Thursday, April 02, 2009
sample letter to my lover's baby momma
Dear her,
I don't even know how to start this letter, because I realize that we don't know each other very well. I am not writing this letter trying to be your best friend though I hope we both start to gain some insight into each other. I would just like to let you know that I'm not a bad person and I really care about James. He misses Avery so much. He talks about her all the time. I know he hasn't called. The way you guys wait for his call, he does the same thing. I hate the excuse that he's not calling because you guys haven't called either or that you guys don't want him to call because he hasn't heard from you. He likes to feel wanted which is probably the main reason why he is so disheartened that Avery doesn't call him before she goes to bed the way she used to. I am certainly not excusing his absence nor do I approve of it at all. I think both parites need to make the effort to get in contact with the other.
Every little girl needs her daddy. I know that. I think what James is most scared of is the fact that one day you and I are going to have to meet and either judge each other, talk crap about each other, or just create this uncomfortable moment. I'm not a bitch; I'm actually very nice. Even if you were hostile to me when we met, I wouldn't go off or act crazy. I think we are both adults and can be civil. James is always full of excuses and loves to procrastinate. In this case, he is procrastinating the inevitable awkward moment of all four of us together. I think it would be easier if he knew we weren't going to battle it out or make some tense silent moment in front of Avery.
I know we're not necessarily going to like each other at first but I would like to talk you in person just so we can get that out of the way and actually see each other as actual people rather than the idea of "the other woman." Maybe we can go have lunch or something while James hangs out with Avery. Just writing that is already freaking me out but you know what, I am willing to try. It may be weird at first but if we get used to the idea of the other person, maybe we won't be so against it. I'm going to be around for a long time. You and I are going to be involved in each other's lives somehow so we might as well try to get along. Even if we don't like each other, I think we should all try to tolerate each other for Avery sake. So James won't have an excuse to postpone seeing the daughter that he misses and Avery can spend time with the father that she needs.
Because James' car is a piece of crap, he can't really drive far distances. I tell him that I'm willing to drive wherever he has to meet up with Avery. He's told me that you'd most likely be against anyone you don't know to drive your daughter around. I want you to get to know me so James and I can pick her up instead of inconveniencing you to drop her off. I'm sure James and wants alone time with Avery and I'm willing to drop them off somewhere too. We can make it an every other week thing so Avery can see her Dad more often. How do Sundays look for you guys?
I know this is out of nowhere but I want James to be happy. I know he is when he sees or talks to Avery. His face lights up. Unfortunately, he tends to avoid situations and confrontations. Maybe by you and me working together, something can change. Besides, what I've heard from Shirley and James, we are apparantly a lot alike. Based on what I've read from your facebook, I hate to admit that they are probably more right than they realize. In an alternate universe I think we could be really good friends. Perhaps by some miracle, we can be something close to that in this one.
Feel free to message me back or call me. James lost his phone last week so I wouldn't mind if you or Avery called looking for him.
(instert number here)
Sincerely,
Me
P.S.
We still have Avery's Christmas present. Maybe we can give that to her soon?
I don't even know how to start this letter, because I realize that we don't know each other very well. I am not writing this letter trying to be your best friend though I hope we both start to gain some insight into each other. I would just like to let you know that I'm not a bad person and I really care about James. He misses Avery so much. He talks about her all the time. I know he hasn't called. The way you guys wait for his call, he does the same thing. I hate the excuse that he's not calling because you guys haven't called either or that you guys don't want him to call because he hasn't heard from you. He likes to feel wanted which is probably the main reason why he is so disheartened that Avery doesn't call him before she goes to bed the way she used to. I am certainly not excusing his absence nor do I approve of it at all. I think both parites need to make the effort to get in contact with the other.
Every little girl needs her daddy. I know that. I think what James is most scared of is the fact that one day you and I are going to have to meet and either judge each other, talk crap about each other, or just create this uncomfortable moment. I'm not a bitch; I'm actually very nice. Even if you were hostile to me when we met, I wouldn't go off or act crazy. I think we are both adults and can be civil. James is always full of excuses and loves to procrastinate. In this case, he is procrastinating the inevitable awkward moment of all four of us together. I think it would be easier if he knew we weren't going to battle it out or make some tense silent moment in front of Avery.
I know we're not necessarily going to like each other at first but I would like to talk you in person just so we can get that out of the way and actually see each other as actual people rather than the idea of "the other woman." Maybe we can go have lunch or something while James hangs out with Avery. Just writing that is already freaking me out but you know what, I am willing to try. It may be weird at first but if we get used to the idea of the other person, maybe we won't be so against it. I'm going to be around for a long time. You and I are going to be involved in each other's lives somehow so we might as well try to get along. Even if we don't like each other, I think we should all try to tolerate each other for Avery sake. So James won't have an excuse to postpone seeing the daughter that he misses and Avery can spend time with the father that she needs.
Because James' car is a piece of crap, he can't really drive far distances. I tell him that I'm willing to drive wherever he has to meet up with Avery. He's told me that you'd most likely be against anyone you don't know to drive your daughter around. I want you to get to know me so James and I can pick her up instead of inconveniencing you to drop her off. I'm sure James and wants alone time with Avery and I'm willing to drop them off somewhere too. We can make it an every other week thing so Avery can see her Dad more often. How do Sundays look for you guys?
I know this is out of nowhere but I want James to be happy. I know he is when he sees or talks to Avery. His face lights up. Unfortunately, he tends to avoid situations and confrontations. Maybe by you and me working together, something can change. Besides, what I've heard from Shirley and James, we are apparantly a lot alike. Based on what I've read from your facebook, I hate to admit that they are probably more right than they realize. In an alternate universe I think we could be really good friends. Perhaps by some miracle, we can be something close to that in this one.
Feel free to message me back or call me. James lost his phone last week so I wouldn't mind if you or Avery called looking for him.
(instert number here)
Sincerely,
Me
P.S.
We still have Avery's Christmas present. Maybe we can give that to her soon?
this heart of mine was broken at 11:20:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, October 06, 2008
to a non-specific boy- personal monologue
Dear heart,
look i'm really sorry about lying to you, cheating on you, ignoring your calls, avoiding you in public, rolling my eyes when you told me how you felt about me, blah blah blah... all that crap i put you through. you were the last person i ever wanted to hurt. you're a really good person and you don't deserve how i treated you but... you let me. you know i still love you, baby.
ok i'm lying again. my bad! maybe i'm not really that sorry. do you realize how irritating you became the moment we got together?! all you wanted to do was use up all my free time! i mean, i liked hanging out with you in the beginning but then you made it feel like being with you was a CHORE! i can't stand needy people and that's what you became! i AM sorry you found out the way you did but i just didn't want to hear your whining anymore. i'm sorry i called you a bitch when you cried all those times but after the third time seeing you cry in a week, YEAH, it got old. i was heartless, i know, but at least i wasn't a fucking little girl about it. i'm sorry you're not the one for me and i'm sorry i was too chicken-shit to let you know. here's a piece of advice from someone who has some experience in... well, you: grow some balls and get a life. maybe you'll meet someone who won't walk all over you after all.
look i'm really sorry about lying to you, cheating on you, ignoring your calls, avoiding you in public, rolling my eyes when you told me how you felt about me, blah blah blah... all that crap i put you through. you were the last person i ever wanted to hurt. you're a really good person and you don't deserve how i treated you but... you let me. you know i still love you, baby.
ok i'm lying again. my bad! maybe i'm not really that sorry. do you realize how irritating you became the moment we got together?! all you wanted to do was use up all my free time! i mean, i liked hanging out with you in the beginning but then you made it feel like being with you was a CHORE! i can't stand needy people and that's what you became! i AM sorry you found out the way you did but i just didn't want to hear your whining anymore. i'm sorry i called you a bitch when you cried all those times but after the third time seeing you cry in a week, YEAH, it got old. i was heartless, i know, but at least i wasn't a fucking little girl about it. i'm sorry you're not the one for me and i'm sorry i was too chicken-shit to let you know. here's a piece of advice from someone who has some experience in... well, you: grow some balls and get a life. maybe you'll meet someone who won't walk all over you after all.
this heart of mine was broken at 5:47:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, August 29, 2008
work irony
Dear heart,
i guess i stopped going to work because i felt unappreciated. made up some crap about depression and all these excuses to not go.
today i found out i got an award for volunteer development. hah! ironic how i'm gone and i actually got recognized out of my whole effin branch.
i guess i stopped going to work because i felt unappreciated. made up some crap about depression and all these excuses to not go.
today i found out i got an award for volunteer development. hah! ironic how i'm gone and i actually got recognized out of my whole effin branch.
this heart of mine was broken at 4:09:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, August 28, 2008
because i noticed
Dear heart,
james would kill me for noticing this crap but...
the office comparisons:
1. jim was compared to larry bird in episode 5, season 1 in the b-ball game. dan's nickname is bird with refernce to larry bird.
2. jim was nicknamed "big tuna" by andy. dan eats tuna every day and loves it.
3. roy and pam are engaged and have been for a LONG time. james and i are engaged and i feel will be for a long time.
4. roy works in a warehouse, im and pam work in the office. james works in a warehouse, dan and i work at an office.
5. dan and jim play basketball similarly and are tall and lanky.
6. roy and jim played basketball against each other. james and dan did as well. there is a hint of rivalry in their demeanor.
james would kill me for noticing this crap but...
the office comparisons:
1. jim was compared to larry bird in episode 5, season 1 in the b-ball game. dan's nickname is bird with refernce to larry bird.
2. jim was nicknamed "big tuna" by andy. dan eats tuna every day and loves it.
3. roy and pam are engaged and have been for a LONG time. james and i are engaged and i feel will be for a long time.
4. roy works in a warehouse, im and pam work in the office. james works in a warehouse, dan and i work at an office.
5. dan and jim play basketball similarly and are tall and lanky.
6. roy and jim played basketball against each other. james and dan did as well. there is a hint of rivalry in their demeanor.
this heart of mine was broken at 6:36:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, August 22, 2008
MIA
Dear heart,
it's been months since i've written you. nothing is going right anymore. i don't have a job, i failed all my classes last semester, i gained all my weight back and then some, and to top it all off- i'm back at my parents house WITH james. now that would have been fine but the past few nights he's slept here, he's different. he used to hold me when we'd go to bed. now he just rolls over. i don't understand it and it hurts. i want to say something to him but i know he'll just say he's tired. i guess i've wanted to shut out all parts of my life because i knew no one would really understand what i was going through. but james seemed to. he just loved me so much. now i can't help but wonder if he's disgusted of how fat i've become and he's just faking it so he can stay here.
it's been months since i've written you. nothing is going right anymore. i don't have a job, i failed all my classes last semester, i gained all my weight back and then some, and to top it all off- i'm back at my parents house WITH james. now that would have been fine but the past few nights he's slept here, he's different. he used to hold me when we'd go to bed. now he just rolls over. i don't understand it and it hurts. i want to say something to him but i know he'll just say he's tired. i guess i've wanted to shut out all parts of my life because i knew no one would really understand what i was going through. but james seemed to. he just loved me so much. now i can't help but wonder if he's disgusted of how fat i've become and he's just faking it so he can stay here.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:43:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, April 06, 2008
realizations
Dear heart,
thursday i called him dan and i actually hurt him. he acted distant at the basketball courts.
friday he tells me officially for the first time that he missed me that day. he even confessed that he hasn't liked anyone this much in a long time. i stayed quiet but he was telling me exactly how i felt for him.
i had such a great weekend. he even bought me marvel vs. capcom the game for my ps2! that is one of those he-knows-me gifts. i love it. unfortuantely, i bought it already and happen to mention that i did. his face just fell when i told him. ugh i ruin everything!
but i'm so crazy about him and we're so damn happy. i don't know where we can go from here... and surprisingly... things are getting better every day. our feelings seem to be getting even stronger than the day before.
crazy how my love life is soaring and my other parts of my functional life are failing.
thursday i called him dan and i actually hurt him. he acted distant at the basketball courts.
friday he tells me officially for the first time that he missed me that day. he even confessed that he hasn't liked anyone this much in a long time. i stayed quiet but he was telling me exactly how i felt for him.
i had such a great weekend. he even bought me marvel vs. capcom the game for my ps2! that is one of those he-knows-me gifts. i love it. unfortuantely, i bought it already and happen to mention that i did. his face just fell when i told him. ugh i ruin everything!
but i'm so crazy about him and we're so damn happy. i don't know where we can go from here... and surprisingly... things are getting better every day. our feelings seem to be getting even stronger than the day before.
crazy how my love life is soaring and my other parts of my functional life are failing.
this heart of mine was broken at 11:43:00 PM
1 people tried to mend this shattered heart
1 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, April 04, 2008
why i can't say i love you
Dear heart,
I can't tell you that I love you.
I'd rather assure you that if you ever needed any part of me- I'm yours.
If you need a hand for help or just to hold for comfort, the palms of my hands have reservations for you.
If you need a shoulder to cry on or just to sleep on when you're tired, you're welcome to warm the cold shoulder i offer everyone else.
I want you to know that I would never leave your side or let go of your hand... unless you asked me to. That, in in spite of my short attention span, I'm willing to promise my company until you tire of it.
I won't tell you that I love you.
I've told too many people that and it meant nothing while you mean everything.
This is not love.
I know this because I've been in love before and this is much more than that.
I can't love you because my love is fickle and I'm always ready to share it with someone else.
Except with you- I don't want to share this with anyone else but the only person who makes me feel this way.
I know nothing out there comes mildly close to this. I am completely and utterly satisfied with you and it would be ridiculious and pointless to even consider anyone else.
Love used to be planning for the future of a church wedding, 2.5 kids. and a white picket fence.
But this isn't like that at all.
I just plan to be with you and going through my days enjoying you because it seems to be more productive when we are. Any given situation becomes more enjoyable 10-fold when you are a part of it.
Each day of the past 6 months has felt like the first date, the first kiss, the first realization that you might really like somebody... but with growing awareness and acceptance of the other person.
This can't be love.
I've honestly never felt this way about anyone.
This is better than love.
I can't even compare this (what we have) to love because love hurts, and our situation is not about that at all.
This has been the farthest from hurt I have ever been.
No one-upping each other on who can hurt the other more, no worry, no playing frustrating mind games.
I'm not scared that you'd hurt me even though I know you could do the most damage.
I feel like we're in this to not only making ourselves happy by being in the complany of the other person but making sure the other person is happy.
I constantly plot your happiness where knowing you're smiling will get me through any bad day.
This selflessness usually doesn't come with the love business.
Love is more of a reassurance, a justification, an apology to hurt someone: "I know I messed up but I love you so forgive me! Love is all about forgiveness."
There's no need for that Get-Out-Of-Jail Card with us when it's all about Passing Go and Collecting $200!
I have to admit that sometimes I feel weak and I want to tell you that I love you.
But I can't ad won't.
I refuse to ruin what we have with that 4-letter word!
I'm scared that if I say it- it would break the spell of this amazing thing that going on between us.
I'm just too freaking ecstatic that I found someone like you.
In a small amount of time, I feel like I know you.
There are no words to describe how i feel about you or what it is we have here, espeically NOT with the word "love."
I wish there was something I could say to you to express how much you mean to me.
But all I have are the hundreds of words in this letter and I still feel like it's not enough.
I hope this explains part of my heart that I am giving to you.
I can't tell you that I love you.
I'd rather assure you that if you ever needed any part of me- I'm yours.
If you need a hand for help or just to hold for comfort, the palms of my hands have reservations for you.
If you need a shoulder to cry on or just to sleep on when you're tired, you're welcome to warm the cold shoulder i offer everyone else.
I want you to know that I would never leave your side or let go of your hand... unless you asked me to. That, in in spite of my short attention span, I'm willing to promise my company until you tire of it.
I won't tell you that I love you.
I've told too many people that and it meant nothing while you mean everything.
This is not love.
I know this because I've been in love before and this is much more than that.
I can't love you because my love is fickle and I'm always ready to share it with someone else.
Except with you- I don't want to share this with anyone else but the only person who makes me feel this way.
I know nothing out there comes mildly close to this. I am completely and utterly satisfied with you and it would be ridiculious and pointless to even consider anyone else.
Love used to be planning for the future of a church wedding, 2.5 kids. and a white picket fence.
But this isn't like that at all.
I just plan to be with you and going through my days enjoying you because it seems to be more productive when we are. Any given situation becomes more enjoyable 10-fold when you are a part of it.
Each day of the past 6 months has felt like the first date, the first kiss, the first realization that you might really like somebody... but with growing awareness and acceptance of the other person.
This can't be love.
I've honestly never felt this way about anyone.
This is better than love.
I can't even compare this (what we have) to love because love hurts, and our situation is not about that at all.
This has been the farthest from hurt I have ever been.
No one-upping each other on who can hurt the other more, no worry, no playing frustrating mind games.
I'm not scared that you'd hurt me even though I know you could do the most damage.
I feel like we're in this to not only making ourselves happy by being in the complany of the other person but making sure the other person is happy.
I constantly plot your happiness where knowing you're smiling will get me through any bad day.
This selflessness usually doesn't come with the love business.
Love is more of a reassurance, a justification, an apology to hurt someone: "I know I messed up but I love you so forgive me! Love is all about forgiveness."
There's no need for that Get-Out-Of-Jail Card with us when it's all about Passing Go and Collecting $200!
I have to admit that sometimes I feel weak and I want to tell you that I love you.
But I can't ad won't.
I refuse to ruin what we have with that 4-letter word!
I'm scared that if I say it- it would break the spell of this amazing thing that going on between us.
I'm just too freaking ecstatic that I found someone like you.
In a small amount of time, I feel like I know you.
There are no words to describe how i feel about you or what it is we have here, espeically NOT with the word "love."
I wish there was something I could say to you to express how much you mean to me.
But all I have are the hundreds of words in this letter and I still feel like it's not enough.
I hope this explains part of my heart that I am giving to you.
this heart of mine was broken at 10:40:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, April 03, 2008
this will be quick
Dear heart,
he's buying me chucks. i am probably deeply in love with him and i wish there was some way i could admit that to him and openly to myself. oh well, 10 orgasms last night!
he's buying me chucks. i am probably deeply in love with him and i wish there was some way i could admit that to him and openly to myself. oh well, 10 orgasms last night!
this heart of mine was broken at 1:24:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
we could be in love
Dear heart,
things said/done to clue me in:
- i am the greatest because i take care of him. (he can't say when because "he can't talk.")
- his mom's friend said his gf was nice and made him happy
- feeds me chocolate, gets my drink, and caters to my every whim before i even have a cnance to ask for it
- told me he'd write me a letter that he hasn't written since high school. he said i'd be there next to him because i was his inspiration.
- he said he had a long day because he wasn't hanging out with me
- he tells me he was thinking of me today
- is worried that 6 months is coming up
- never wants me to leave when i am laying next to him
- hugs me right under his chin, near his armpit, on his shoulder... my favorite place to be
- likes to fix my hair
- asked if i missed him when i was in san francisco
- told me he had a dream about me: secret nightmare and our road trip
- tries to look cute for me
- thinks its cool i can hang out with his mom when only 2 of his best friends can do it
- thinks i'm so sweet for buying his family souveniers (even his daughter)
- likes when i call him dq or call him out when he's being dramatic
- when i say james, he thinks i'm gonna tell him it's over
- picks me flowers (recently got me a rose)
- calls me cuteness, or just tender petnames that he uses for his daughter too
- my fortune cookie said: "You don't need to search forever, happiness is sitting right next to you." while we were in my parents bed together
- he knows the faces i make like when i sing the whatever song, i bop my head and pucker my lips
- scared of 6 months: "so i guess i shouldn't look forward to surfing this summer."
things said/done to clue me in:
- i am the greatest because i take care of him. (he can't say when because "he can't talk.")
- his mom's friend said his gf was nice and made him happy
- feeds me chocolate, gets my drink, and caters to my every whim before i even have a cnance to ask for it
- told me he'd write me a letter that he hasn't written since high school. he said i'd be there next to him because i was his inspiration.
- he said he had a long day because he wasn't hanging out with me
- he tells me he was thinking of me today
- is worried that 6 months is coming up
- never wants me to leave when i am laying next to him
- hugs me right under his chin, near his armpit, on his shoulder... my favorite place to be
- likes to fix my hair
- asked if i missed him when i was in san francisco
- told me he had a dream about me: secret nightmare and our road trip
- tries to look cute for me
- thinks its cool i can hang out with his mom when only 2 of his best friends can do it
- thinks i'm so sweet for buying his family souveniers (even his daughter)
- likes when i call him dq or call him out when he's being dramatic
- when i say james, he thinks i'm gonna tell him it's over
- picks me flowers (recently got me a rose)
- calls me cuteness, or just tender petnames that he uses for his daughter too
- my fortune cookie said: "You don't need to search forever, happiness is sitting right next to you." while we were in my parents bed together
- he knows the faces i make like when i sing the whatever song, i bop my head and pucker my lips
- scared of 6 months: "so i guess i shouldn't look forward to surfing this summer."
this heart of mine was broken at 4:52:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, March 22, 2008
mental picture
Dear heart,
i thought he was going to smack me or try to bug me but he took me in his arms and told me to take a mental picture of the yellow moon because it lasted longer. he said he would remember what i was wearing, what everything looked like, etc. i was trying hard not to show how severely my heart was melting. i kept questioning about forgetting to remember.
i thought he was going to smack me or try to bug me but he took me in his arms and told me to take a mental picture of the yellow moon because it lasted longer. he said he would remember what i was wearing, what everything looked like, etc. i was trying hard not to show how severely my heart was melting. i kept questioning about forgetting to remember.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:20:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, March 21, 2008
being good is not so bad
Dear heart,
i genuinely like not hiding something from someone i'm dating. i like the absence of secrets and doubts about each other. i like that the only cheating happens in my nightmares. i like that i can say no to things now or at least avoid situations where i might not be able to say so. i like that we aren't hurting each other or trying to one up on how sad we can make the other person. i like that the time we spend together is filled with laughter, smiles, jokes, and affection instead of mean words, suspicion, paranoia, and tension that you can cut with a knife.
i don't ever want to ruin this. i was watching that episode in sex and the city where aidan is treating carrie like crap cuz he can't forgive her. i never want james to have to forgive me about something. i'm sure i will make mistakes or say something wrong one of these days but it never want it to be to that point where it hurts him like that. i am so happy with him. i don't think i've ever been so happy, or satisfied, or content in any relationship ever. i don't have much to complain about. it's like i finally found the balance: attractive, not a cheater, i can be good to, keeps me entertained, someone who makes my heart skip a beat, and someone who feels almost similarly (maybe).
i'm just so afraid to lose this because its so unbelievable that i can actually feel this way again about someone and not freak out. i'm being really cool about this whole thing. i'm not rushing the "what are we?" question, i'm not being all jealous or possessive, i don't even or won't trip out if he has other plans besides me because i know they are valid and it does not involve screwing someone else. i told him about my nightmare about this girl at a cruise and he said "you know i'd never do that..." and then i think he tries to save himself by adding "... without inviting you."
i wonder if he feels slightly offended that i refer to him as my friend. i know he refers to me as "joanne" which has the hidden assumption that they damn better know who the heck i am. his friends call me "the chick" which i kind of like because "the" is a direct article used for pointing out. i am THE chick, not A chick, or SOME chick. THE chick! i'm into it.
in conclusion, being faithful and not devious and not cheating is not so bad, especially when i know the guy deserves it. i honestly just want to make him happy. that's it. it sounds cheezy but his happinessn is my happiness and somehow i sense that he feels the same way and that's why this whole whatever-it-is works.
i genuinely like not hiding something from someone i'm dating. i like the absence of secrets and doubts about each other. i like that the only cheating happens in my nightmares. i like that i can say no to things now or at least avoid situations where i might not be able to say so. i like that we aren't hurting each other or trying to one up on how sad we can make the other person. i like that the time we spend together is filled with laughter, smiles, jokes, and affection instead of mean words, suspicion, paranoia, and tension that you can cut with a knife.
i don't ever want to ruin this. i was watching that episode in sex and the city where aidan is treating carrie like crap cuz he can't forgive her. i never want james to have to forgive me about something. i'm sure i will make mistakes or say something wrong one of these days but it never want it to be to that point where it hurts him like that. i am so happy with him. i don't think i've ever been so happy, or satisfied, or content in any relationship ever. i don't have much to complain about. it's like i finally found the balance: attractive, not a cheater, i can be good to, keeps me entertained, someone who makes my heart skip a beat, and someone who feels almost similarly (maybe).
i'm just so afraid to lose this because its so unbelievable that i can actually feel this way again about someone and not freak out. i'm being really cool about this whole thing. i'm not rushing the "what are we?" question, i'm not being all jealous or possessive, i don't even or won't trip out if he has other plans besides me because i know they are valid and it does not involve screwing someone else. i told him about my nightmare about this girl at a cruise and he said "you know i'd never do that..." and then i think he tries to save himself by adding "... without inviting you."
i wonder if he feels slightly offended that i refer to him as my friend. i know he refers to me as "joanne" which has the hidden assumption that they damn better know who the heck i am. his friends call me "the chick" which i kind of like because "the" is a direct article used for pointing out. i am THE chick, not A chick, or SOME chick. THE chick! i'm into it.
in conclusion, being faithful and not devious and not cheating is not so bad, especially when i know the guy deserves it. i honestly just want to make him happy. that's it. it sounds cheezy but his happinessn is my happiness and somehow i sense that he feels the same way and that's why this whole whatever-it-is works.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:26:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, March 16, 2008
highlights to remember
Dear heart,
- he said i looked really cute (when i bowl) and asked if he could take pictures of me as i bowled
- he comes up to me and tells me, "hey beautiful" when coming back from bowling a ball
- while eating del taco, he looks at me and says, "you're so pretty" while holding my face into a kiss.
- i want to be amazing at something and then he said that i was amazing. he tells me i'm amazing at being joanne.
- his friend clay calls me "the chick." he tells james he wants to bang me once me and james "break up." oooh! does that tick james off!
- he said i looked really cute (when i bowl) and asked if he could take pictures of me as i bowled
- he comes up to me and tells me, "hey beautiful" when coming back from bowling a ball
- while eating del taco, he looks at me and says, "you're so pretty" while holding my face into a kiss.
- i want to be amazing at something and then he said that i was amazing. he tells me i'm amazing at being joanne.
- his friend clay calls me "the chick." he tells james he wants to bang me once me and james "break up." oooh! does that tick james off!
this heart of mine was broken at 11:50:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
the chick, a shredded hand, and a wet morning
Dear heart,
this is what my weekend consisted of.
friday night i went to james' even though he was a bit late getting there so we could go to disneyland.
this is what my weekend consisted of.
friday night i went to james' even though he was a bit late getting there so we could go to disneyland.
this heart of mine was broken at 11:36:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, March 13, 2008
i know no one cares
Dear heart,
all i have are these happy stories of james. i can't talk about it really because it seems so boring and only for my enjoyment. we watched vantage point last night. we were all comfy in the seats, we kiss before entering the theater together, he gave me a piggy back ride down the stairs, and he thought i looked nice today but forgot to tell me. i guess he had a lot of fun at the beach because he even said he doesn't really like to go to the beach if he's not surfing but according to him "that was so much fun." how cute!
so we lay there talking FOREVER in the dark. we kiss this amazing kiss and it didn't matter i was on my period. i tried to leave but he lured me back to bed by making a little spot for me to lay. when i'm in his arms, it's so easy to knock out. he always has a tough time falling asleep so he drinks or smokes before bed but when he doesn't need to when i'm there. i'm just so comfortable when he's next to me.
we make plans for the weekend. i tell him to keep me company cuz antoinette is mad at me right now and my parents are going away for the weekend. we plan to cook for each other. i think we decide i make indian food for lunch and he's doing something fancy for dinner. i can't wait! i asked if he wanted to go to disneyland this friday cuz our pass closes for the next 2 weeks. i told him he could see tinkerbell, i can beat him at buzz lightyear, and we can kiss under the fireworks. the last one is really all i care to do.
i leave him at 4:15 this morning and he still walks me to my car. i swear i never knew i could be this happy and satisfied by a person before.
all i have are these happy stories of james. i can't talk about it really because it seems so boring and only for my enjoyment. we watched vantage point last night. we were all comfy in the seats, we kiss before entering the theater together, he gave me a piggy back ride down the stairs, and he thought i looked nice today but forgot to tell me. i guess he had a lot of fun at the beach because he even said he doesn't really like to go to the beach if he's not surfing but according to him "that was so much fun." how cute!
so we lay there talking FOREVER in the dark. we kiss this amazing kiss and it didn't matter i was on my period. i tried to leave but he lured me back to bed by making a little spot for me to lay. when i'm in his arms, it's so easy to knock out. he always has a tough time falling asleep so he drinks or smokes before bed but when he doesn't need to when i'm there. i'm just so comfortable when he's next to me.
we make plans for the weekend. i tell him to keep me company cuz antoinette is mad at me right now and my parents are going away for the weekend. we plan to cook for each other. i think we decide i make indian food for lunch and he's doing something fancy for dinner. i can't wait! i asked if he wanted to go to disneyland this friday cuz our pass closes for the next 2 weeks. i told him he could see tinkerbell, i can beat him at buzz lightyear, and we can kiss under the fireworks. the last one is really all i care to do.
i leave him at 4:15 this morning and he still walks me to my car. i swear i never knew i could be this happy and satisfied by a person before.
this heart of mine was broken at 8:22:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
wanna know a secret?
Dear heart,
"you're the sweetest guy i've ever met."
- jenna from 13 going on 30
he really is. he wanted to play basketball today. while he went downstairs to get me some porkchops before we leave, i pretend to fall asleep. i like to do that for some reason. when he comes back in, he's being really quiet and i wonder why he hasn't woken me to get up yet. suddenly i feel him taking off my shoes, trying to move my legs to the bed and when i refused that, he carries me to the pillows and gives me the blanket. i pretended i didn't know what he was doing but that was the sweetest thing to do. i wasn't even awake to acknowledge his good deed and he still did it anyway. just the way he always leans over to kiss me, i love it.
we went to the beach today and i was kinda jealous when he was staring at some chick bend over. we wrestled which was fun and he held me upside down. then we spent the rest of the time laying out as he lay over me and we talked. we love to do that. we walked on the beach too but the water was cold so he refused to go in. we were walking to the bathroom and he said something like "i don't know if we're both dorks or i'm cool but i like dorks." it was funny. i pretend like i was shocked by his comment and tried to attack him prostesting that i, in fact, was the cool one.
he misses his daughter and i wish i could help him in some way so he doesn't hafto without leaving me out of the picture. daughter-time means no-joanne-time. like i want him to see her but that would mean his absence in my life. no long talks, no kisses, no sweet words, no holding him, no him. i'm selfish.
"you're the sweetest guy i've ever met."
- jenna from 13 going on 30
he really is. he wanted to play basketball today. while he went downstairs to get me some porkchops before we leave, i pretend to fall asleep. i like to do that for some reason. when he comes back in, he's being really quiet and i wonder why he hasn't woken me to get up yet. suddenly i feel him taking off my shoes, trying to move my legs to the bed and when i refused that, he carries me to the pillows and gives me the blanket. i pretended i didn't know what he was doing but that was the sweetest thing to do. i wasn't even awake to acknowledge his good deed and he still did it anyway. just the way he always leans over to kiss me, i love it.
we went to the beach today and i was kinda jealous when he was staring at some chick bend over. we wrestled which was fun and he held me upside down. then we spent the rest of the time laying out as he lay over me and we talked. we love to do that. we walked on the beach too but the water was cold so he refused to go in. we were walking to the bathroom and he said something like "i don't know if we're both dorks or i'm cool but i like dorks." it was funny. i pretend like i was shocked by his comment and tried to attack him prostesting that i, in fact, was the cool one.
he misses his daughter and i wish i could help him in some way so he doesn't hafto without leaving me out of the picture. daughter-time means no-joanne-time. like i want him to see her but that would mean his absence in my life. no long talks, no kisses, no sweet words, no holding him, no him. i'm selfish.
this heart of mine was broken at 1:14:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
looking through his phone
Dear heart,
it's bad. i know. i didn't want to but the old joanne was so curious to know what was going on behind the scenes. this happened last night by the way. we went to a powwow yesterday, saw my boss les, and then went to eat at olive garden. after, we went to the block and planned to watch a movie but it didn't happen because we were both tired. i bought a love poem book james recommended and the sequel to the diary of a wimpy kid. we took some booth pictures and we look really funny. anyway we get home, try to hold off on sex until after his shower but i tease him. sex was SO good- you don't even know!
while he showers i see it sitting atop his dresser. it taunts me and calls out my name. he just got in the shower and i could hear the water. i walk over to his phone, open it and read the inbox. it had messages mostly from me but some from stacey. i got a bit weirded out that she would have a message that started with "new haircut" like who cares about you! but then i remember their daughter.
i close it and lay back down. i feel ever more guilty that i found nothing. oh wait! what about the sent messages?! i got up the nerve check again and there it was. i text to stacey "it was nice talking to you today. i miss your voice i don't know why. have a great day beautiful." blood rushed to my face. are you serious? is this michael and gloria relived? my heart fell and i felt so discouraged. i close the evil phone and lay down. i didn't even have plans to leave or to have him come into his room and find that i'm gone. none of that. just knowing i won't be able to act like nothing is wrong. and then the thought occured to me: he has talked to stacey many times over in front of me and never did he sound mildly affectionate. it was probably for his daughter who he probably texted. he talks to her like that.
then it made me feel worse that i almost acted stupid for something i wasn't supposed to be doing to a guy who deserves better than that.
it's bad. i know. i didn't want to but the old joanne was so curious to know what was going on behind the scenes. this happened last night by the way. we went to a powwow yesterday, saw my boss les, and then went to eat at olive garden. after, we went to the block and planned to watch a movie but it didn't happen because we were both tired. i bought a love poem book james recommended and the sequel to the diary of a wimpy kid. we took some booth pictures and we look really funny. anyway we get home, try to hold off on sex until after his shower but i tease him. sex was SO good- you don't even know!
while he showers i see it sitting atop his dresser. it taunts me and calls out my name. he just got in the shower and i could hear the water. i walk over to his phone, open it and read the inbox. it had messages mostly from me but some from stacey. i got a bit weirded out that she would have a message that started with "new haircut" like who cares about you! but then i remember their daughter.
i close it and lay back down. i feel ever more guilty that i found nothing. oh wait! what about the sent messages?! i got up the nerve check again and there it was. i text to stacey "it was nice talking to you today. i miss your voice i don't know why. have a great day beautiful." blood rushed to my face. are you serious? is this michael and gloria relived? my heart fell and i felt so discouraged. i close the evil phone and lay down. i didn't even have plans to leave or to have him come into his room and find that i'm gone. none of that. just knowing i won't be able to act like nothing is wrong. and then the thought occured to me: he has talked to stacey many times over in front of me and never did he sound mildly affectionate. it was probably for his daughter who he probably texted. he talks to her like that.
then it made me feel worse that i almost acted stupid for something i wasn't supposed to be doing to a guy who deserves better than that.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:59:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, March 07, 2008
oh no
Dear heart,
Dear heart,
james calls me around 8:30 in the morning, which is always a nice way to wake up, and asked if i was interested in hanging out with him and his mom tonight. i said yes and that would have been fine and dandy and all but now he's not picking up his phone. i know he does this every few months but i hope he's not doing this now...
and it turns out- he is.
i am probably over-reacting. he has probably smoked too much weed and fallen asleep. it happens. or he might have "helped" the lady who got beat up last night and as a "thank you" had sex with him and he stayed with her as a courtesy. hey, i'm creative and it's not necessarily that far from possibility. i mean, he did call me his "female friend" to her when he offered to meet her at the courtyard but he'd bring me along.
i'm trying not to trip about the whole thing. i have sent the following messages. i hope it does not scare him away into never talking to me again:
7:03 are we still hanging out with your mom? did you get the info? if not, do you still wanna do something anyway? let me know.
8:05 oh no! are we not hanging out after all? i really don't wanna stay home tonight. can you text me if this isn't going to happen so i can at least catch a movie with anty or my sis? i'd feel bad if i did something else after i said i'd go with you guys without hearing from you so let me know. it's cool if you found something else to do cuz i'll see you tomorrow. text or call me soon please
8:33 most of the time you make me so happy but sometimes you can make me sad... like now. i'll see you tomorrow? call me
i feel pathetic and sad. i should just sleep and get over this. hope i hear from him tomorrow. if not, i can always be over it.
Dear heart,
james calls me around 8:30 in the morning, which is always a nice way to wake up, and asked if i was interested in hanging out with him and his mom tonight. i said yes and that would have been fine and dandy and all but now he's not picking up his phone. i know he does this every few months but i hope he's not doing this now...
and it turns out- he is.
i am probably over-reacting. he has probably smoked too much weed and fallen asleep. it happens. or he might have "helped" the lady who got beat up last night and as a "thank you" had sex with him and he stayed with her as a courtesy. hey, i'm creative and it's not necessarily that far from possibility. i mean, he did call me his "female friend" to her when he offered to meet her at the courtyard but he'd bring me along.
i'm trying not to trip about the whole thing. i have sent the following messages. i hope it does not scare him away into never talking to me again:
7:03 are we still hanging out with your mom? did you get the info? if not, do you still wanna do something anyway? let me know.
8:05 oh no! are we not hanging out after all? i really don't wanna stay home tonight. can you text me if this isn't going to happen so i can at least catch a movie with anty or my sis? i'd feel bad if i did something else after i said i'd go with you guys without hearing from you so let me know. it's cool if you found something else to do cuz i'll see you tomorrow. text or call me soon please
8:33 most of the time you make me so happy but sometimes you can make me sad... like now. i'll see you tomorrow? call me
i feel pathetic and sad. i should just sleep and get over this. hope i hear from him tomorrow. if not, i can always be over it.
this heart of mine was broken at 7:43:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
because it's wednesday already
Dear heart,
a poem about last night:
It's easiest to slip into slumber
when any part of you is gently touching and
subtly warming my body
chilled by the breath of your half open window.
You know I am wearing
your white long sleeves, your gray sweat pants,
and my secret smile hidden underneath my closed eyes
that you uncover when you brush my hair away.
Although my temperature is climbing treetops,
I still press myself against you
starting forest fires between us
igniting tiny explosions from our fingertips.
You caress the space between my brows
so i can fall asleep and let loose
the soft, feminine snoring that you prefer
over my deep bellowing ones.
Suddenly I feel roots growing beneath me
penetrating deep into the mattress
preventing me from leaving
where I abandon any hope to act responsibly.
You clockless room hardly whispers
how late I am as time sprints to 1:30 am
leaving me behind in the dust
because I just wish for everything to stand still.
Please pry me loose from your clutches
and escort me back
to the reality I was vacationing from.
a poem about last night:
It's easiest to slip into slumber
when any part of you is gently touching and
subtly warming my body
chilled by the breath of your half open window.
You know I am wearing
your white long sleeves, your gray sweat pants,
and my secret smile hidden underneath my closed eyes
that you uncover when you brush my hair away.
Although my temperature is climbing treetops,
I still press myself against you
starting forest fires between us
igniting tiny explosions from our fingertips.
You caress the space between my brows
so i can fall asleep and let loose
the soft, feminine snoring that you prefer
over my deep bellowing ones.
Suddenly I feel roots growing beneath me
penetrating deep into the mattress
preventing me from leaving
where I abandon any hope to act responsibly.
You clockless room hardly whispers
how late I am as time sprints to 1:30 am
leaving me behind in the dust
because I just wish for everything to stand still.
Please pry me loose from your clutches
and escort me back
to the reality I was vacationing from.
this heart of mine was broken at 11:02:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
additional day
Dear heart,
i added another day to my vacation. since i came home really late sunday night, i thought it a good idea to take monday off. i call him on my way to school and make my proposal. he calls me when i'm in class. i tell him that i had date night with anty. he's all saying that he's selfish and she takes up all my free time. like all butt-hurt "i see how it is." he even said it's because i don't like him anymore.
we decide to go to disneyland. first we eat lunch at tortilla jo's and he puts me in the shade. we go on the train thing first and get off to ride pirates but it was closed so we go to the haunted mansion instead. we see this lady with a really big ass and talk about her. anyway, we totally do dirty things in there. next we go to the buzz lightyear ride and i totally lose. he buys me a soda. then we go to space mountain and i love how amused he is when i scream. then we ride autopia since he's never before. we're talking crap to each other and he says something like "what's your name? are you tuesday or wednesday?" ooooh! i would randomly bring that up. he drives terribly on purpose but its fun. we take pictures for our drivers license photo. he buys me cotton candy and i make a note of how amazing it is that they invented it. we go on buzz lightyear again and he's feeding me when we're in line. i lose AGAIN and then i was ready to leave
we go back to his place and he's supposed to get a haircut. i give him a choice to do it or get a haircut and of course he chooses the first one. we lay there watching sports and i don't even wanna leave. i hate leaving him. but i do. i come back to drop off lucille's leftovers for him. his mom opens the door and i had to knock on his door since he wasn't answering.
i saw him for 7 days straight and he said now i can't call him for 3 days. haha. that's a lot. what am i doing?! that ruins stuff!
random observation:
it bothers me more when he refers to her by her name than as "avery's mom." her name makes her a person, an ex, a threat... just the title gives her only a functional presence as his daughters mom, nothing more.
i added another day to my vacation. since i came home really late sunday night, i thought it a good idea to take monday off. i call him on my way to school and make my proposal. he calls me when i'm in class. i tell him that i had date night with anty. he's all saying that he's selfish and she takes up all my free time. like all butt-hurt "i see how it is." he even said it's because i don't like him anymore.
we decide to go to disneyland. first we eat lunch at tortilla jo's and he puts me in the shade. we go on the train thing first and get off to ride pirates but it was closed so we go to the haunted mansion instead. we see this lady with a really big ass and talk about her. anyway, we totally do dirty things in there. next we go to the buzz lightyear ride and i totally lose. he buys me a soda. then we go to space mountain and i love how amused he is when i scream. then we ride autopia since he's never before. we're talking crap to each other and he says something like "what's your name? are you tuesday or wednesday?" ooooh! i would randomly bring that up. he drives terribly on purpose but its fun. we take pictures for our drivers license photo. he buys me cotton candy and i make a note of how amazing it is that they invented it. we go on buzz lightyear again and he's feeding me when we're in line. i lose AGAIN and then i was ready to leave
we go back to his place and he's supposed to get a haircut. i give him a choice to do it or get a haircut and of course he chooses the first one. we lay there watching sports and i don't even wanna leave. i hate leaving him. but i do. i come back to drop off lucille's leftovers for him. his mom opens the door and i had to knock on his door since he wasn't answering.
i saw him for 7 days straight and he said now i can't call him for 3 days. haha. that's a lot. what am i doing?! that ruins stuff!
random observation:
it bothers me more when he refers to her by her name than as "avery's mom." her name makes her a person, an ex, a threat... just the title gives her only a functional presence as his daughters mom, nothing more.
this heart of mine was broken at 8:44:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, March 03, 2008
crazy in love
Dear heart,
i guess james got drunk at clay's house. had to rescue him. i climbed an effin wall to get to him! crazy! i mentioned how we saw each other a lot this week and he said, "i know. i don't know what to do. i feel deprived." i guess missing me even if he's drunk still says something. i told him "i was all 'awww he missed me' but then you were really drunk." he got all serious and said something like "you don't think i miss you?"
we go back to his room and he is just a sweetheart with his little boy voice. he had bought me chicken nuggets and a big mac cuz he knows i love it. i was really full but he still kept trying to feed me. he said he wanted to make me happy. that he liked feeding me because i get happy when i eat. that was his observation. he would feed me and kiss me. i swear he needs to stop or i will profess my undying love for him already. i like drunk james. he told me i was cute too. he countered my comment about him being all cutesy when he's drunk. he said i was cute and that i say cute things. we kiss like forever. i told him that i'd miss him like this. i had to drive back to get my big mac. i totally love james!
i guess james got drunk at clay's house. had to rescue him. i climbed an effin wall to get to him! crazy! i mentioned how we saw each other a lot this week and he said, "i know. i don't know what to do. i feel deprived." i guess missing me even if he's drunk still says something. i told him "i was all 'awww he missed me' but then you were really drunk." he got all serious and said something like "you don't think i miss you?"
we go back to his room and he is just a sweetheart with his little boy voice. he had bought me chicken nuggets and a big mac cuz he knows i love it. i was really full but he still kept trying to feed me. he said he wanted to make me happy. that he liked feeding me because i get happy when i eat. that was his observation. he would feed me and kiss me. i swear he needs to stop or i will profess my undying love for him already. i like drunk james. he told me i was cute too. he countered my comment about him being all cutesy when he's drunk. he said i was cute and that i say cute things. we kiss like forever. i told him that i'd miss him like this. i had to drive back to get my big mac. i totally love james!
this heart of mine was broken at 2:56:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, March 02, 2008
icky love stuff
Dear heart,
so i probably feel that i love james. even though we haven't said it, i know his feelings are starting to escalate like mine. just how he handles me and takes care of me like i'm precious or something. i love that he's worried about 6 months...
so i probably feel that i love james. even though we haven't said it, i know his feelings are starting to escalate like mine. just how he handles me and takes care of me like i'm precious or something. i love that he's worried about 6 months...
this heart of mine was broken at 2:20:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, March 01, 2008
my vacation cont.
Dear heart,
he got off work at 2 and i went to pick him up. driving back and looking for food, he saw some guy need help pushing his truck. he just jumps out of my car and goes to help. it was really cute what a good samaritan he was. we then hopped back into the car and continued with our dilemma of what we were going to eat. i had a craving for steak so he took me to el torito to eat. it was funny cuz we get so clumsy around each other. i can't remember what dumb thing i did but he totally spilled water all over himself.
then we went to costco to look for a ps2 but found nothing. he wanted to go to ross and i end up buying a dress and a bathing suit. it was cute that after he goes to the bathroom, he comes up to me, tells me where he'll be, kisses me, then says he'll find me. i don't know why i find such mundane details so adorable.
he was supposed to go out with his friends and i was supposed to go to newport for brenda's birthday. he decides he needs to clean his room and shouldn't go out and i wasn't cute plus no one would go with me. i think we were both hoping the other person wasnt going out so we could end up hanging out together. we decide to pick up some weed from his friend and then go back to his place. we smoke and try to watch boondock saints again. i can't remember how it happened... i think i was kissing the side of his mouth and then he just sits up and starts kissing me, pushing me back onto his bed. i came first and then he did. that hardly ever happens. it was great! we turn all the stuff off and go to bed by 12. i call my parents at 3:40 telling them i wasn't coming home. i was totally supposed to leave way before that but he just takes me in his arms and tells me to stay. i'm so freaking easy, i swear!
the next day i feel him rubbing up behind me and we do it at like 7:36 in the morning. this totally wakes us up and we sit there just talking about random crap until we realize its two hours later. we decide that we're hungry and head to mimi's for breakfast/lunch. some
he got off work at 2 and i went to pick him up. driving back and looking for food, he saw some guy need help pushing his truck. he just jumps out of my car and goes to help. it was really cute what a good samaritan he was. we then hopped back into the car and continued with our dilemma of what we were going to eat. i had a craving for steak so he took me to el torito to eat. it was funny cuz we get so clumsy around each other. i can't remember what dumb thing i did but he totally spilled water all over himself.
then we went to costco to look for a ps2 but found nothing. he wanted to go to ross and i end up buying a dress and a bathing suit. it was cute that after he goes to the bathroom, he comes up to me, tells me where he'll be, kisses me, then says he'll find me. i don't know why i find such mundane details so adorable.
he was supposed to go out with his friends and i was supposed to go to newport for brenda's birthday. he decides he needs to clean his room and shouldn't go out and i wasn't cute plus no one would go with me. i think we were both hoping the other person wasnt going out so we could end up hanging out together. we decide to pick up some weed from his friend and then go back to his place. we smoke and try to watch boondock saints again. i can't remember how it happened... i think i was kissing the side of his mouth and then he just sits up and starts kissing me, pushing me back onto his bed. i came first and then he did. that hardly ever happens. it was great! we turn all the stuff off and go to bed by 12. i call my parents at 3:40 telling them i wasn't coming home. i was totally supposed to leave way before that but he just takes me in his arms and tells me to stay. i'm so freaking easy, i swear!
the next day i feel him rubbing up behind me and we do it at like 7:36 in the morning. this totally wakes us up and we sit there just talking about random crap until we realize its two hours later. we decide that we're hungry and head to mimi's for breakfast/lunch. some
this heart of mine was broken at 12:52:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
impromptu vacation
Dear heart,
I’m not even kidding… but I have fallen in love with him. The kind of feeling that shakes your inner core, both exciting and scary at the same time. I thought I was already at this point but tonight just knocked me over the edge. I don’t want to spoil the ending yet so let me start with the past three days.
Tuesday
I have a paper due for my poetry class so I make up some lame excuse at work as to why I need to leave early. I go home, work on it, and then head to class. It turns out it was due on Thursday! Ugh! That annoyed me but at the same time it was done and maybe I could improve it somehow.
After I went to Chronic Tacos and bought food for James, his friend Clay, me. They were at James’ house because they just got finished with their league game. They swear kobe is the best player in the nba. I tell them that they are in love with kobe and james says i'm jealous! We eat and then as they watch basketball, I try to study for my test. Unfortunately I started smoking and that’s always a bad idea. I end up just wanting to fall asleep. I am so tired that I suggest we don’t go to work tomorrow and go to Disneyland instead.
Two hours later, I was taking my sister to school. I text him and ask if he’s willing to call in so we could go to Disneyland. He calls me back and he said he’s about to call in. I take forever to get ready and get to his house at 10:30- half an hour late! We eat Hawaiian barbecue by his house where I spill my food all over myself. It almost got on my white shorts. Then we take the bus to Disneyland since we didn’t want to pay the minimum $10 for parking.
The first thing we go on is that California ride. I got to smell all the things he said I was going to smell like the trees, the ocean, and even the oranges! Then we go on the ride like the Big Foot Rapids ride at Knott’s. We got soaked. It was funny because he was carrying my purse and the outside got totally soaked.
Then I don’t even know how the next part happened. He was going to make me ride this really scary roller coaster. I got upset that he didn’t want to take a picture with me even after I said I would ride it. I was talking crap about riding it and he was like “so you’re not going to go skydiving with me for my birthday?” I almost wanted to say yes because I just love it when he shares things with me but I would seriously die! That was the scariest ride I have ever been on, seriously! He thought I cried but really I was just pretending to be in shock so he could feel bad. He told me he was proud of me and we kept talking about it.
While we waited for the bus, he had his shirt off and all these chicks driving by kept checking him out, I guess. I think he told me to go over there but I didn’t see the point to acting like he’s mine when I know he pretty much is. We got on the bus and some guy flagged me down to let me know there was an available seat next to him. James had a weird like I-Can’t-believe-it smile. I told him to sit next to me. I guess when I was doing that, some ok looking guy gave the guy next to me a look and nodded about me. And then the guy next to me tried to take a picture of me on his phone. SO creepy! When we were crossing the street and I was talking about how I couldn’t believe what that guy did, and he said sorry about being a cock block. And then goes on to say, “If you want me to be upset about this, let me know.” I just said it was a little late but since he brought it up, I kind of wanted a negative, semi-possessive reaction to that.
So then I study for a bit because I had a test and we kept kissing and turning each other on. I was about to leave and he was putting some underwear on that I rethought my saying no. I closed the door and he pulls down my shorts… it was AMAZING! Holy crap! So I drive to school and talk to Leilu. It made me feel special that she still considers me her girlfriend after all this time.
After my test I go watch him play basketball. I play a little and knock over my drink. Then I just talk to Leilu on the phone and when his first game was over, he said something like he was playing like a god and I’m not even watching. He’s all moody after and I ask him if he still wants me to come over or if he’s over people right now. He told me to give him a minute. He feeds me some chicken and asparagus which was SO good.
I guess I am tired from all the food that while he watches Boondock Saints, I fall asleep in his arms. I keep making threats to leave and it was really for attention purposes. I got a little upset when we were going to bed and he turned the other way. I told him he didn’t have to walk me out and I think he was hurt by that. He said he’d walk me to the door and I shake my head. What I meant to say was I don’t want to leave, make me stay. I think he got sick of me telling him no that he said “fine” or something like that and sat down. It felt like a slap in the face that I just went outside and closed his door. I wanted him to come after me but he didn’t. It was the first power struggle that I lost. I went back inside and the lights and tv were off. He was turning off the alarm he set for me at 2. There was an awkward moment of silence and I realized I need to stop acting up. This was our first almost fight.
The next day I sleep in until 1 and call him thinking he’d be at work. I wasn’t even going to call him but found that he was sitting at home bored. I suggest the beach and get ready. I finally get there and it was 2. He’s still in his weird funk and sounds kind of quiet. We look forward to eating taco bell but it was closed! WTF?! We sit at the beach but its so cold. We talk crap about each other and he randomly makes fun of me. He tries to fight with me but I tease him about being weak because of his legs.
I have the great idea of charo chicken but in the end he still wants his taco bell. We go in his room and eat our food while watching transformers. I have him alarm it for 6 so I can go to class. I don’t know how we started fooling around but I was all over him when we were done. He walks me to my car and I suggest playing basketball later because he told me earlier “I can’t believe you played basketball without me.”
I go to my poetry class and all we do is turn in our papers. I call him right after and he’s watching tv and tells me I can come over or come by if I want. Sweet! I go there and first we watch some basketball game. We lay around a bit because his bed is just so damn comfortable and having him there holding me makes it worse. We finally get ready for basketball and I drop him off so I can buy a jamba. The chick tells me its closed 2 minutes before its 9. I went to starbucks instead. When I get there, first we play “PIG” and I win! Then we do a one on one and I totally lose. We do our free throw average thing and he got 6 out of 10 and I could only do 2. It was fun playing with him. We walk back to the car and my zipper breaks and we start cracking up. I love that I have these I-can’t-breathe laughter with him. We drove back to his place but stop at the circle K first next to is house. I get some Gatorade, orange soda, and some cheese and sour cream. I am hesitant because I don’t want my breath to smell and he told me he didn’t care if my breath smelled.
We start boondock saints yet again. When I open the bag, it smells of fart. I eat it and he has a little. When we lay down, I’m a bit embarrassed and cover my mouth with the blanket. He calls me booty breath but still tries to move my face to kiss him. It tugs at little heart strings when he’s openly showing me that it doesn’t matter my breath smells of death, especially since I’m all insecure about it. He will kiss me anyway. Then there was a point where he starts caressing my face which I can’t recall him every doing the ENTIRE face and for THAT long. Then he moves my face towards his and gives me these earth shattering kisses. My heart is pumping, my face is getting hot, and I get this scared feeling at the pit of my stomach.
We’re not even making out, just tiny kisses that include pauses where we put our foreheads together. All I could think was that I was in love. Could he feel this too? Seriously, how can you kiss someone just like that and not feel like all the walls have crumbled and its time to let the other person in? I wanted to say it. I was surprised he didn’t. I love you. God! Why is it so complicated to say crap like that?! Why didn’t he say it at that moment? Is he scared like me to fall in love or is he trying to be careful not to make what we have complicated?
I’m not even kidding… but I have fallen in love with him. The kind of feeling that shakes your inner core, both exciting and scary at the same time. I thought I was already at this point but tonight just knocked me over the edge. I don’t want to spoil the ending yet so let me start with the past three days.
Tuesday
I have a paper due for my poetry class so I make up some lame excuse at work as to why I need to leave early. I go home, work on it, and then head to class. It turns out it was due on Thursday! Ugh! That annoyed me but at the same time it was done and maybe I could improve it somehow.
After I went to Chronic Tacos and bought food for James, his friend Clay, me. They were at James’ house because they just got finished with their league game. They swear kobe is the best player in the nba. I tell them that they are in love with kobe and james says i'm jealous! We eat and then as they watch basketball, I try to study for my test. Unfortunately I started smoking and that’s always a bad idea. I end up just wanting to fall asleep. I am so tired that I suggest we don’t go to work tomorrow and go to Disneyland instead.
Two hours later, I was taking my sister to school. I text him and ask if he’s willing to call in so we could go to Disneyland. He calls me back and he said he’s about to call in. I take forever to get ready and get to his house at 10:30- half an hour late! We eat Hawaiian barbecue by his house where I spill my food all over myself. It almost got on my white shorts. Then we take the bus to Disneyland since we didn’t want to pay the minimum $10 for parking.
The first thing we go on is that California ride. I got to smell all the things he said I was going to smell like the trees, the ocean, and even the oranges! Then we go on the ride like the Big Foot Rapids ride at Knott’s. We got soaked. It was funny because he was carrying my purse and the outside got totally soaked.
Then I don’t even know how the next part happened. He was going to make me ride this really scary roller coaster. I got upset that he didn’t want to take a picture with me even after I said I would ride it. I was talking crap about riding it and he was like “so you’re not going to go skydiving with me for my birthday?” I almost wanted to say yes because I just love it when he shares things with me but I would seriously die! That was the scariest ride I have ever been on, seriously! He thought I cried but really I was just pretending to be in shock so he could feel bad. He told me he was proud of me and we kept talking about it.
While we waited for the bus, he had his shirt off and all these chicks driving by kept checking him out, I guess. I think he told me to go over there but I didn’t see the point to acting like he’s mine when I know he pretty much is. We got on the bus and some guy flagged me down to let me know there was an available seat next to him. James had a weird like I-Can’t-believe-it smile. I told him to sit next to me. I guess when I was doing that, some ok looking guy gave the guy next to me a look and nodded about me. And then the guy next to me tried to take a picture of me on his phone. SO creepy! When we were crossing the street and I was talking about how I couldn’t believe what that guy did, and he said sorry about being a cock block. And then goes on to say, “If you want me to be upset about this, let me know.” I just said it was a little late but since he brought it up, I kind of wanted a negative, semi-possessive reaction to that.
So then I study for a bit because I had a test and we kept kissing and turning each other on. I was about to leave and he was putting some underwear on that I rethought my saying no. I closed the door and he pulls down my shorts… it was AMAZING! Holy crap! So I drive to school and talk to Leilu. It made me feel special that she still considers me her girlfriend after all this time.
After my test I go watch him play basketball. I play a little and knock over my drink. Then I just talk to Leilu on the phone and when his first game was over, he said something like he was playing like a god and I’m not even watching. He’s all moody after and I ask him if he still wants me to come over or if he’s over people right now. He told me to give him a minute. He feeds me some chicken and asparagus which was SO good.
I guess I am tired from all the food that while he watches Boondock Saints, I fall asleep in his arms. I keep making threats to leave and it was really for attention purposes. I got a little upset when we were going to bed and he turned the other way. I told him he didn’t have to walk me out and I think he was hurt by that. He said he’d walk me to the door and I shake my head. What I meant to say was I don’t want to leave, make me stay. I think he got sick of me telling him no that he said “fine” or something like that and sat down. It felt like a slap in the face that I just went outside and closed his door. I wanted him to come after me but he didn’t. It was the first power struggle that I lost. I went back inside and the lights and tv were off. He was turning off the alarm he set for me at 2. There was an awkward moment of silence and I realized I need to stop acting up. This was our first almost fight.
The next day I sleep in until 1 and call him thinking he’d be at work. I wasn’t even going to call him but found that he was sitting at home bored. I suggest the beach and get ready. I finally get there and it was 2. He’s still in his weird funk and sounds kind of quiet. We look forward to eating taco bell but it was closed! WTF?! We sit at the beach but its so cold. We talk crap about each other and he randomly makes fun of me. He tries to fight with me but I tease him about being weak because of his legs.
I have the great idea of charo chicken but in the end he still wants his taco bell. We go in his room and eat our food while watching transformers. I have him alarm it for 6 so I can go to class. I don’t know how we started fooling around but I was all over him when we were done. He walks me to my car and I suggest playing basketball later because he told me earlier “I can’t believe you played basketball without me.”
I go to my poetry class and all we do is turn in our papers. I call him right after and he’s watching tv and tells me I can come over or come by if I want. Sweet! I go there and first we watch some basketball game. We lay around a bit because his bed is just so damn comfortable and having him there holding me makes it worse. We finally get ready for basketball and I drop him off so I can buy a jamba. The chick tells me its closed 2 minutes before its 9. I went to starbucks instead. When I get there, first we play “PIG” and I win! Then we do a one on one and I totally lose. We do our free throw average thing and he got 6 out of 10 and I could only do 2. It was fun playing with him. We walk back to the car and my zipper breaks and we start cracking up. I love that I have these I-can’t-breathe laughter with him. We drove back to his place but stop at the circle K first next to is house. I get some Gatorade, orange soda, and some cheese and sour cream. I am hesitant because I don’t want my breath to smell and he told me he didn’t care if my breath smelled.
We start boondock saints yet again. When I open the bag, it smells of fart. I eat it and he has a little. When we lay down, I’m a bit embarrassed and cover my mouth with the blanket. He calls me booty breath but still tries to move my face to kiss him. It tugs at little heart strings when he’s openly showing me that it doesn’t matter my breath smells of death, especially since I’m all insecure about it. He will kiss me anyway. Then there was a point where he starts caressing my face which I can’t recall him every doing the ENTIRE face and for THAT long. Then he moves my face towards his and gives me these earth shattering kisses. My heart is pumping, my face is getting hot, and I get this scared feeling at the pit of my stomach.
We’re not even making out, just tiny kisses that include pauses where we put our foreheads together. All I could think was that I was in love. Could he feel this too? Seriously, how can you kiss someone just like that and not feel like all the walls have crumbled and its time to let the other person in? I wanted to say it. I was surprised he didn’t. I love you. God! Why is it so complicated to say crap like that?! Why didn’t he say it at that moment? Is he scared like me to fall in love or is he trying to be careful not to make what we have complicated?
this heart of mine was broken at 12:45:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, February 25, 2008
thursday night
Dear heart,
i forgot to talk about coming over on thursday. i come by and we make plans to eat. we try to suggest other things but came down to pho. he wanted to go to ross and i tell him ross, then dvd planet. we end up just going to dvd planet and then get pho. brenda picks up tickets to v20 from the pho place. i get a birthday card that made me laugh. i realize im much less paranoid when it comes to james. i've toned down my craziness. we go back to his place and watch transformers but got too distracted with each other. i tell him that i shouldn't have come up cuz now he's gonna have to eventually walk me back to my car and its raining. he said he wasn't and i made a pouty face. he says "look how mcuh i spoil you." or something like that and i cover my face because i know its true. i fall asleep there and he walks me to my car at 4 in the morning.
friday i felt guilty about not really asking him to go to v2o. i was making and taking so many calls about giving out tickets that it was rude to not invite him. he said it was cool and to call me later even if i'm drunk since he enjoys calls like that or first thing when i wake up. i call him back to suggest going jersey shopping in the morning. obviously my hangover stood in the way of that plan... oh well. all is well.
=)
i forgot to talk about coming over on thursday. i come by and we make plans to eat. we try to suggest other things but came down to pho. he wanted to go to ross and i tell him ross, then dvd planet. we end up just going to dvd planet and then get pho. brenda picks up tickets to v20 from the pho place. i get a birthday card that made me laugh. i realize im much less paranoid when it comes to james. i've toned down my craziness. we go back to his place and watch transformers but got too distracted with each other. i tell him that i shouldn't have come up cuz now he's gonna have to eventually walk me back to my car and its raining. he said he wasn't and i made a pouty face. he says "look how mcuh i spoil you." or something like that and i cover my face because i know its true. i fall asleep there and he walks me to my car at 4 in the morning.
friday i felt guilty about not really asking him to go to v2o. i was making and taking so many calls about giving out tickets that it was rude to not invite him. he said it was cool and to call me later even if i'm drunk since he enjoys calls like that or first thing when i wake up. i call him back to suggest going jersey shopping in the morning. obviously my hangover stood in the way of that plan... oh well. all is well.
=)
this heart of mine was broken at 1:22:00 AM
1 people tried to mend this shattered heart
1 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, February 24, 2008
v2o, lakers/clippers game, and some baskteball
Dear heart,
on friday i went to v2o. yeah so i drank too much too soon and i totally got sick. there was some drama with mario's "ex" which was actually his gf who he lived with. there was the brian situation yet again and i think it was more that i liked the attention. both of them told me i looked good. =) that's what i want to hear from ex-lovers. i just drank waaay too much and passed out at anty's house. i called james at 8:36 (according to him) and told him of my headache. he called me again when it was almost 11 but "i wasn't having a conversation" or something like that. i ate panera with antoinette and went home and threw it all up. i went to pick up james for the game. i parked at his neighbors spot and almost got my car towed. his neighbor kept saying "james' girlfriend" and i had to look away from embarassment. i was secretly relishing that and the fact that james was not arguing with it.
we were talking crap to each other the whole way there but it was fun. he keeps me on my toes and i'm really into that. we saw dan there and it was funny that he kept having to move cuz he was totally hiding in the first floor bathroom stall. i got a lakers jersey and a billion pictures with james. he was waiting for me to change into my jersey and he was on the phone when i came out. he was telling someone something about a valentines present. he told me thanks for the tickets and kisses me. the guy next to us was annoying him and even asked him what a "clipper" was. i kiss him to distract him from his hatred. when we got back near the car, he picks me up and we kiss. i love kissing him.
we go get food at del taco. he was teasing me about my comment about the town center, and he told me to stop acting so tough all the time. waiting for our food in the drive-thru, "anyone else but you" played and he was all "its that song from juno. aww." and kisses my arm like i played it just for him. we try to watch transformers again but he had a headache and wanted to sleep. i molested him and we did it. i told him how i executed my plan and he said something about always getting what i want and pointed out my big smile.
it was hard to sleep and his comment about it being hot led me to believe he wanted me off him. in the morning he brings up how i'm being dramatic, and then i point out how he is dramatic too. we watch some surf movie and some guy i thought i was in love with turns out resembling james. we then get ready to go grab some food before he plays basketball. some black guy playing refers to me as "his girl" and i completely love the lack of arguing over that. i meet his friend dan and clay is there too. there were almost 2 fights with him and i love how tough he gets and how much he can talk crap. it's cute. i was really enjoying not having any make up on and still feeling ok about myself.
then we went to clay's house. he was talking to his mom and mentions that i ended up watching his game and it was cool. i love that his friends know me by name like he talks about me or something. we're in the car and he mentions that he likes my nail. that "it's cute" and its hard for me to accept compliments so i tell him its ugly but then thank him when i realized i should never talk anyone out of a compliment. clay mentions how cute we are. him opening my doors or i guess just how he's acting, clay says he never sees this side of him, that it's cute. i get embarassed and hope james doesn't start acting like a jerk to show off. he doesn't. he gives a piggyback ride all the way up the stairs. we play videogames and at first his friend was pissing me off cuz he wouldn't let me play. james let me and i totally beat his friend. then i play against james and he murders me. i fall asleep and wake up to a phone call from my mom. she is a bit upset about not being home almost the entire weekend.
our drive home was quiet but intimate. he had his hand on my leg and kinda caressing/holding my hand. he tells me that it was the first time we hung out that much and he thought it was cool. i pointed out another time but he said that i've been hanging out with him since 5 yesterday and it was almost 10 today. i told him i had fun which is all i could say without sounding cheesy or saying something corny. when we said our goodbyes, we gave each other a real kiss. he told me thanks for hanging out with him and i thanked him awkwardly for winning me in basketball. i try not to make it so damn obvious how into him i am.
i know now that i don't need the title. i'm happy and content with exactly how things are right now. this doesn't need a label because its working without it.
on friday i went to v2o. yeah so i drank too much too soon and i totally got sick. there was some drama with mario's "ex" which was actually his gf who he lived with. there was the brian situation yet again and i think it was more that i liked the attention. both of them told me i looked good. =) that's what i want to hear from ex-lovers. i just drank waaay too much and passed out at anty's house. i called james at 8:36 (according to him) and told him of my headache. he called me again when it was almost 11 but "i wasn't having a conversation" or something like that. i ate panera with antoinette and went home and threw it all up. i went to pick up james for the game. i parked at his neighbors spot and almost got my car towed. his neighbor kept saying "james' girlfriend" and i had to look away from embarassment. i was secretly relishing that and the fact that james was not arguing with it.
we were talking crap to each other the whole way there but it was fun. he keeps me on my toes and i'm really into that. we saw dan there and it was funny that he kept having to move cuz he was totally hiding in the first floor bathroom stall. i got a lakers jersey and a billion pictures with james. he was waiting for me to change into my jersey and he was on the phone when i came out. he was telling someone something about a valentines present. he told me thanks for the tickets and kisses me. the guy next to us was annoying him and even asked him what a "clipper" was. i kiss him to distract him from his hatred. when we got back near the car, he picks me up and we kiss. i love kissing him.
we go get food at del taco. he was teasing me about my comment about the town center, and he told me to stop acting so tough all the time. waiting for our food in the drive-thru, "anyone else but you" played and he was all "its that song from juno. aww." and kisses my arm like i played it just for him. we try to watch transformers again but he had a headache and wanted to sleep. i molested him and we did it. i told him how i executed my plan and he said something about always getting what i want and pointed out my big smile.
it was hard to sleep and his comment about it being hot led me to believe he wanted me off him. in the morning he brings up how i'm being dramatic, and then i point out how he is dramatic too. we watch some surf movie and some guy i thought i was in love with turns out resembling james. we then get ready to go grab some food before he plays basketball. some black guy playing refers to me as "his girl" and i completely love the lack of arguing over that. i meet his friend dan and clay is there too. there were almost 2 fights with him and i love how tough he gets and how much he can talk crap. it's cute. i was really enjoying not having any make up on and still feeling ok about myself.
then we went to clay's house. he was talking to his mom and mentions that i ended up watching his game and it was cool. i love that his friends know me by name like he talks about me or something. we're in the car and he mentions that he likes my nail. that "it's cute" and its hard for me to accept compliments so i tell him its ugly but then thank him when i realized i should never talk anyone out of a compliment. clay mentions how cute we are. him opening my doors or i guess just how he's acting, clay says he never sees this side of him, that it's cute. i get embarassed and hope james doesn't start acting like a jerk to show off. he doesn't. he gives a piggyback ride all the way up the stairs. we play videogames and at first his friend was pissing me off cuz he wouldn't let me play. james let me and i totally beat his friend. then i play against james and he murders me. i fall asleep and wake up to a phone call from my mom. she is a bit upset about not being home almost the entire weekend.
our drive home was quiet but intimate. he had his hand on my leg and kinda caressing/holding my hand. he tells me that it was the first time we hung out that much and he thought it was cool. i pointed out another time but he said that i've been hanging out with him since 5 yesterday and it was almost 10 today. i told him i had fun which is all i could say without sounding cheesy or saying something corny. when we said our goodbyes, we gave each other a real kiss. he told me thanks for hanging out with him and i thanked him awkwardly for winning me in basketball. i try not to make it so damn obvious how into him i am.
i know now that i don't need the title. i'm happy and content with exactly how things are right now. this doesn't need a label because its working without it.
this heart of mine was broken at 10:20:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, February 22, 2008
making good choices
Dear heart,
i am really bad when it comes to temptation. while i'm declining an offer, somewhere in the back of my mind there's a little voice (that is louder when it comes to different people) that keeps saying "why not?" it's hard. especially for me. i picked up my stuff from georgy today and sometimes when i'm talking to him, our faces are just so close. or all the touchyness, the closeness, just an all out recipe for trouble. he asked me if i wanted to come inside and i made excuses about wearing a lot of layers and being too hot indoors. when he let me go, part of me wanted him to try a little harder. i was disappointed and i almost wanted to kiss him.
i am really bad when it comes to temptation. while i'm declining an offer, somewhere in the back of my mind there's a little voice (that is louder when it comes to different people) that keeps saying "why not?" it's hard. especially for me. i picked up my stuff from georgy today and sometimes when i'm talking to him, our faces are just so close. or all the touchyness, the closeness, just an all out recipe for trouble. he asked me if i wanted to come inside and i made excuses about wearing a lot of layers and being too hot indoors. when he let me go, part of me wanted him to try a little harder. i was disappointed and i almost wanted to kiss him.
this heart of mine was broken at 8:44:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, February 21, 2008
i can't wait
Dear heart,
i'm sure i can't wait for the day when i can have my own place and you can come over and fall asleep surrounded by my mess. i can't wait for the day when i'm sick of you coming over or when we're sick of each others company for a bit but love each other anyway.
i'm sure i can't wait for the day when i can have my own place and you can come over and fall asleep surrounded by my mess. i can't wait for the day when i'm sick of you coming over or when we're sick of each others company for a bit but love each other anyway.
this heart of mine was broken at 2:15:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
all it takes
Dear heart,
lately i've been feeling antisocial and i think james absence had a lot to do with it. i am much more cheery when he is part of my sphere and when he is absent, it's like this big empty space. so i act up and alienate everyone else. i even texted myself about not wanting anything to mean something. i want to care about absolutely nothing so life can be as painless as possible. i guess i was just so over feeling- or maybe over feeling that i missed him.
i drove by his place last night and his lamp was on. but not the tv. i'm guessing he was actually sleeping and not ignoring me. i think of the worst possible scenario for everything.
work was fun today though. dan is falcon while i am cerulean panda. we did our "spy mission" and followed kids, questioned their whereabouts, etc. i just have so much fun with him. seriously the best choice as an assistant. he even said he really enjoyed working there and that he looked forward to coming to work. he is weird in such a hilarious way. he makes work pass by too quickly.
anyway i get a text from him when i'm almost off work telling me to call him when he can. it frustrated me because i was just starting to train myself not to think about him and there he was rubbing thought of him all over my brain.
i go to his place even though he is sick. while i drive there i talk to anty about dan and doing that just opens my eyes to how awesome he is. his strange obesession with tuna and rice. i love him! in a non-sexual but i do think he's hot kind of way.
so james is caughing up a storm thanks to me. i study while he watches his game. he tries to get my attention and i play hard to get. finally we kiss and he looked like he was getting chills or something. i didn't feel it this time because all i could think of was getting back to studying but kissing him always brings me down to earth about this whole thing. it reminds me of all the reasons why i stay. i genuinely like him and if staying faithful without commitment shows that, then fine. i don't want anyone else. he gave me a lollipop daisy. and he noticed that i ate hot cheetos cuz of my stained fingers. how observant!
he gave me a time limit to stop "my homework" and pay attention to him. obviously i did not honor is stupid limits but stopped when i felt ready. he tried giving me a 2 minute extension which i violated as well. starting everything was kinda hot. he was taking off my pants so i just got up and my work shirt came off, my thermals, my mickey mouse sports bra until i was stark naked. then he took everything off. we stood there by his open window breathing heavily in front of each other just ready to take the other person. god that's what i call passion!
anyway after our short liaison, we lay there and i had to leave but its always hard to leave. i asked him to be an ass and to kick me out of bed and he just asked me to stay. i like when he holds my face or supports the back of my head with his hand. i don't want anything more. i think less is more. i might be crazy wwith more... it might give the option of breaking up. and you KNOW me, when its that time of the month i always think its time to end things. maybe i need boundaries. not that i will say no if he ever asks or protest if he calls me his gf but... i'm tired of overanalizing this and worrying about it when i'm happy exactly where we are. why do we need to define this when all we really need to know is that it's working?!
now i feel my antisocialism has been lifted thanks to my guy. <- that's how i refer to him.
lately i've been feeling antisocial and i think james absence had a lot to do with it. i am much more cheery when he is part of my sphere and when he is absent, it's like this big empty space. so i act up and alienate everyone else. i even texted myself about not wanting anything to mean something. i want to care about absolutely nothing so life can be as painless as possible. i guess i was just so over feeling- or maybe over feeling that i missed him.
i drove by his place last night and his lamp was on. but not the tv. i'm guessing he was actually sleeping and not ignoring me. i think of the worst possible scenario for everything.
work was fun today though. dan is falcon while i am cerulean panda. we did our "spy mission" and followed kids, questioned their whereabouts, etc. i just have so much fun with him. seriously the best choice as an assistant. he even said he really enjoyed working there and that he looked forward to coming to work. he is weird in such a hilarious way. he makes work pass by too quickly.
anyway i get a text from him when i'm almost off work telling me to call him when he can. it frustrated me because i was just starting to train myself not to think about him and there he was rubbing thought of him all over my brain.
i go to his place even though he is sick. while i drive there i talk to anty about dan and doing that just opens my eyes to how awesome he is. his strange obesession with tuna and rice. i love him! in a non-sexual but i do think he's hot kind of way.
so james is caughing up a storm thanks to me. i study while he watches his game. he tries to get my attention and i play hard to get. finally we kiss and he looked like he was getting chills or something. i didn't feel it this time because all i could think of was getting back to studying but kissing him always brings me down to earth about this whole thing. it reminds me of all the reasons why i stay. i genuinely like him and if staying faithful without commitment shows that, then fine. i don't want anyone else. he gave me a lollipop daisy. and he noticed that i ate hot cheetos cuz of my stained fingers. how observant!
he gave me a time limit to stop "my homework" and pay attention to him. obviously i did not honor is stupid limits but stopped when i felt ready. he tried giving me a 2 minute extension which i violated as well. starting everything was kinda hot. he was taking off my pants so i just got up and my work shirt came off, my thermals, my mickey mouse sports bra until i was stark naked. then he took everything off. we stood there by his open window breathing heavily in front of each other just ready to take the other person. god that's what i call passion!
anyway after our short liaison, we lay there and i had to leave but its always hard to leave. i asked him to be an ass and to kick me out of bed and he just asked me to stay. i like when he holds my face or supports the back of my head with his hand. i don't want anything more. i think less is more. i might be crazy wwith more... it might give the option of breaking up. and you KNOW me, when its that time of the month i always think its time to end things. maybe i need boundaries. not that i will say no if he ever asks or protest if he calls me his gf but... i'm tired of overanalizing this and worrying about it when i'm happy exactly where we are. why do we need to define this when all we really need to know is that it's working?!
now i feel my antisocialism has been lifted thanks to my guy. <- that's how i refer to him.
this heart of mine was broken at 1:37:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
because i have no balls
Dear heart,
i really like someone
but i just came to accept the fact
that i will NEVER EVER
have the guts
to tell him how i feel
so
i decided
that i will not feel like this
anymore
because it's pointless
if i can't even admit it
to that person.
i'll pretend it never happened
and maybe one day
it won't be pretend anymore
and i'll be over
feeling out-of-control
and confused
and excited
about this guy.
the end.
i really like someone
but i just came to accept the fact
that i will NEVER EVER
have the guts
to tell him how i feel
so
i decided
that i will not feel like this
anymore
because it's pointless
if i can't even admit it
to that person.
i'll pretend it never happened
and maybe one day
it won't be pretend anymore
and i'll be over
feeling out-of-control
and confused
and excited
about this guy.
the end.
this heart of mine was broken at 11:05:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, February 18, 2008
my problem
Dear heart,
i realized what the problem was. i don't tell people how i feel because i usually have bad experiences with it. it's too out-of-control for me. like with anthony and even though i told vince how i felt when it came down to it, i didn't say it. i wrote it and sometimes it comes off so strong and so unlike me. even with guys i don't end up liking that much, i can't tell them how i really feel or how i don't really feel that much for them. i just don't exaclty know how to go about telling someone exactly how i feel without feeling guilty, feeling like i might lose something, or just being so scared to hear their answer or see their reaction. but at the same time i expect them to know exactly what it is i feel and for them to feel the same exact way. then i start to resent them for not acting on what i want... because they have no idea what it is.
i feel like i try to walk on eggshells when i'm into someone. i don't want any weird uncomfortable confrontations and just act like nothing is wrong so things can always appear safe and secure when underneath the water, the currents toss and turn and are breaking apart rocks.
i'm just scared he'll miss his window. i like him. and although i'm sure someone will eventually come along to erase exactly how it is i feel right now, i want this to last. i don't want to have to look back at this or have him reminisce with me at what he missed out on. i want to be able to talk to him years from now and laugh at what he could have missed if he didn't just go for it with me. i just feel like the time between those who actually do it for me seem so long and empty. it's so hard to feel this way about people. it's difficult to find someone who does it for you and who finds that you kinda do it for them too. right now, things with james are exactlty what i want. i want him and only him. so why can't i just tell him that without feeling like i'm cornering him?
i realized what the problem was. i don't tell people how i feel because i usually have bad experiences with it. it's too out-of-control for me. like with anthony and even though i told vince how i felt when it came down to it, i didn't say it. i wrote it and sometimes it comes off so strong and so unlike me. even with guys i don't end up liking that much, i can't tell them how i really feel or how i don't really feel that much for them. i just don't exaclty know how to go about telling someone exactly how i feel without feeling guilty, feeling like i might lose something, or just being so scared to hear their answer or see their reaction. but at the same time i expect them to know exactly what it is i feel and for them to feel the same exact way. then i start to resent them for not acting on what i want... because they have no idea what it is.
i feel like i try to walk on eggshells when i'm into someone. i don't want any weird uncomfortable confrontations and just act like nothing is wrong so things can always appear safe and secure when underneath the water, the currents toss and turn and are breaking apart rocks.
i'm just scared he'll miss his window. i like him. and although i'm sure someone will eventually come along to erase exactly how it is i feel right now, i want this to last. i don't want to have to look back at this or have him reminisce with me at what he missed out on. i want to be able to talk to him years from now and laugh at what he could have missed if he didn't just go for it with me. i just feel like the time between those who actually do it for me seem so long and empty. it's so hard to feel this way about people. it's difficult to find someone who does it for you and who finds that you kinda do it for them too. right now, things with james are exactlty what i want. i want him and only him. so why can't i just tell him that without feeling like i'm cornering him?
this heart of mine was broken at 12:38:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
what exactly do you want?
Dear heart,
you go around preaching that you don't want a relationship and that you're happy with the way things are... but the truth is, sweetie, you're f*cking lying to yourself. you KNOW you want to be his girlfriend. you know you want to be able to tell the world that he's yours and that you belong to someone too. you know you're tired of the uncertainties of the future even when he makes plans to teach you how to surf in the summer to assure that you see him, you know its not enough. even though you're sure for the most part that he isn't seeing anyone else, it doesn't matter. you just want to know for both of you that you're not wasting your fidelity yet again. because you KNOW that you've been too good this year. he deserves it, you know? because of how he makes you feel when you're around him, talking to him, touching him, kissing him, laughing with him, or just being next to him. nothing and no one else is worth ruining all that. maybe you expect him to feel that way too and want you all him to himself. but that's the thing, he already does.
what the hell do you want from him? more? is that what you really want? because what if he can't give more- because of his daughter? his baby momma? his lifestyle? just because he might not be ready right now? then would you really walk away from this? you haven't been this happy about someone in awhile. and even though he can make you miserable, it's only when he doesn't call right away or when he actually is living his life without you for a few moments, which is exactly what you need right now, it isn't like the miserable i used to feel. it's not the intentional hurt and betrayal that people used to put me through.
you go around preaching that you don't want a relationship and that you're happy with the way things are... but the truth is, sweetie, you're f*cking lying to yourself. you KNOW you want to be his girlfriend. you know you want to be able to tell the world that he's yours and that you belong to someone too. you know you're tired of the uncertainties of the future even when he makes plans to teach you how to surf in the summer to assure that you see him, you know its not enough. even though you're sure for the most part that he isn't seeing anyone else, it doesn't matter. you just want to know for both of you that you're not wasting your fidelity yet again. because you KNOW that you've been too good this year. he deserves it, you know? because of how he makes you feel when you're around him, talking to him, touching him, kissing him, laughing with him, or just being next to him. nothing and no one else is worth ruining all that. maybe you expect him to feel that way too and want you all him to himself. but that's the thing, he already does.
what the hell do you want from him? more? is that what you really want? because what if he can't give more- because of his daughter? his baby momma? his lifestyle? just because he might not be ready right now? then would you really walk away from this? you haven't been this happy about someone in awhile. and even though he can make you miserable, it's only when he doesn't call right away or when he actually is living his life without you for a few moments, which is exactly what you need right now, it isn't like the miserable i used to feel. it's not the intentional hurt and betrayal that people used to put me through.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:00:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, February 16, 2008
better than before
Dear heart,
i was listening to the fesit song "let it die" which mentions the beauty in the beginning and how most would give anything to just go back to the beginning of it all. theb thing is, what has occurred between me and james lately has been so much better than the beginning. i think this whole thing is just so amazing because hanging out with him is a combination of effortless conversation, natural enjoyment, and seamsless laughter.
i swear sometimes i could love him if i knew he was still willing to offer that.
i was listening to the fesit song "let it die" which mentions the beauty in the beginning and how most would give anything to just go back to the beginning of it all. theb thing is, what has occurred between me and james lately has been so much better than the beginning. i think this whole thing is just so amazing because hanging out with him is a combination of effortless conversation, natural enjoyment, and seamsless laughter.
i swear sometimes i could love him if i knew he was still willing to offer that.
this heart of mine was broken at 10:28:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
realizations and assessment
Dear heart,
reading over my diary, i realize that sometimes i get so caught up in analysis and how i feel about any given situation that i forget the actual events that might be worth mentioning.
like on wednesday, i hardly talked about how i looked or how he acted. pretty much, i looked like death. i had work clothes and my thick YMCA jacket. i was wearing my victoria secrets thermals. i got off work and i was going to antoinette's. i talked to him and let him go since he seemed preoccupied. i got some food and headed to antoinette's when he told me i was welcome to come by. i think i was trying to imply to drop off his mouth piece since i just saw him the day before and i didn't want to seem excessive. i made up an excuse and made a U-turn to his place. i know, i know. i'm not the poster-child for choosing friends over lovers.
as i drive to his place, i warn him of how i look. i walk towards him and i eat my jollibee while he watches tv. i let him taste the filipino spagjetti but he is a bit hesitant at first. he goes and takes a shower and he swears he will be 3 minutes because i protest it'll be too long. i tell him i need to leave in 20 minutes. he seems a bit upset but tells me he can't stop me. so he takes a quick shower and joins me in bed. i snuggle into him and for some reason i get really hot. usually i like his window closed but i was burning up. i took off my thermals and i was a bit embarassed about my mickey mouse sports bra. as i lay there and watch whatver was on the tv, he kisses me on the forehead at least twice. those times are when i think he can actually feel the way i feel about him. and that i might actually be able to love somebody again.
reading over my diary, i realize that sometimes i get so caught up in analysis and how i feel about any given situation that i forget the actual events that might be worth mentioning.
like on wednesday, i hardly talked about how i looked or how he acted. pretty much, i looked like death. i had work clothes and my thick YMCA jacket. i was wearing my victoria secrets thermals. i got off work and i was going to antoinette's. i talked to him and let him go since he seemed preoccupied. i got some food and headed to antoinette's when he told me i was welcome to come by. i think i was trying to imply to drop off his mouth piece since i just saw him the day before and i didn't want to seem excessive. i made up an excuse and made a U-turn to his place. i know, i know. i'm not the poster-child for choosing friends over lovers.
as i drive to his place, i warn him of how i look. i walk towards him and i eat my jollibee while he watches tv. i let him taste the filipino spagjetti but he is a bit hesitant at first. he goes and takes a shower and he swears he will be 3 minutes because i protest it'll be too long. i tell him i need to leave in 20 minutes. he seems a bit upset but tells me he can't stop me. so he takes a quick shower and joins me in bed. i snuggle into him and for some reason i get really hot. usually i like his window closed but i was burning up. i took off my thermals and i was a bit embarassed about my mickey mouse sports bra. as i lay there and watch whatver was on the tv, he kisses me on the forehead at least twice. those times are when i think he can actually feel the way i feel about him. and that i might actually be able to love somebody again.
this heart of mine was broken at 8:25:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, February 15, 2008
ugh
Dear heart,
i feel... ugh right now. i didn't want to see him but since he texted me that he was going to hang out with avery tonight, i don't know- something inside me is almost jealous, incredulous, and suspicious. i want to distance myself from him. i want to tell him to not call me for awhile. i want him to just go away. i don't want to think about him or hear from him but without pushing him completely away in case i change my mind later. i just won't call. how about that! ok!
i feel... ugh right now. i didn't want to see him but since he texted me that he was going to hang out with avery tonight, i don't know- something inside me is almost jealous, incredulous, and suspicious. i want to distance myself from him. i want to tell him to not call me for awhile. i want him to just go away. i don't want to think about him or hear from him but without pushing him completely away in case i change my mind later. i just won't call. how about that! ok!
this heart of mine was broken at 10:57:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, February 14, 2008
trying not to freak out about valentines day
Dear heart,
ok i don't know why james is being so weird about valentines day. when we're around each other, i sometimes feel like he could plan something great because he likes me that much. and at the same time, i feel like i'm just expecting way too much. maybe since we aren't even together he doesn't want the pressure of valentines day. i mean, whether he does/gets me something or not does not affect how i feel about him. i like him. i love where we are. i just want some kind of acknowledgement like he might actually want to do something nice for me on a romantic day. maybe to show me that i'm not just some chick he sleeps with. i don't even care if he hand picks a flower or gives me a paperclip shaped as a heart- i'll be happy with anything.
ok so i came to his place and i was asking what he was doing tomorrow and he said he might play basketball. i asked him when he'd be done and he said he didn't know. it almost frustrated me that he'd rather play sports than leave a slot open for me on valentines day. then the kissing and holding crap makes me believe otherwise. it makes me want to believe there is something more. that he'll suprise me at work because he was asking when i went in and when i got off. i don't know. if he decides to play basketball, i'm just going to dinner with the girls. i don't want that pressure or stress of waiting for him, yet again. maybe i shouldn't call. he should call. i feel kinda anxious about this whole thing. maybe i'm putting too much faith in what we have? maybe i think there's something between us that really is only coming from my end!
i can't take this. it's making me nuts. i don't even want to think about it anymore. valentines day is a holiday invented by greeting cards so why am i letting it affect me so? ugh!
i hate that i'm still randomly picturing him showing up to my work with flowers and me actually smiling about it right now. then i just switch back and forth between that and seeing myself waiting for that moment and end up feeling more hopeless with every minute that passes that he really doesn't care about me enough to outwardly spend valentines day with me. =(
i'm done. good night.
ok i don't know why james is being so weird about valentines day. when we're around each other, i sometimes feel like he could plan something great because he likes me that much. and at the same time, i feel like i'm just expecting way too much. maybe since we aren't even together he doesn't want the pressure of valentines day. i mean, whether he does/gets me something or not does not affect how i feel about him. i like him. i love where we are. i just want some kind of acknowledgement like he might actually want to do something nice for me on a romantic day. maybe to show me that i'm not just some chick he sleeps with. i don't even care if he hand picks a flower or gives me a paperclip shaped as a heart- i'll be happy with anything.
ok so i came to his place and i was asking what he was doing tomorrow and he said he might play basketball. i asked him when he'd be done and he said he didn't know. it almost frustrated me that he'd rather play sports than leave a slot open for me on valentines day. then the kissing and holding crap makes me believe otherwise. it makes me want to believe there is something more. that he'll suprise me at work because he was asking when i went in and when i got off. i don't know. if he decides to play basketball, i'm just going to dinner with the girls. i don't want that pressure or stress of waiting for him, yet again. maybe i shouldn't call. he should call. i feel kinda anxious about this whole thing. maybe i'm putting too much faith in what we have? maybe i think there's something between us that really is only coming from my end!
i can't take this. it's making me nuts. i don't even want to think about it anymore. valentines day is a holiday invented by greeting cards so why am i letting it affect me so? ugh!
i hate that i'm still randomly picturing him showing up to my work with flowers and me actually smiling about it right now. then i just switch back and forth between that and seeing myself waiting for that moment and end up feeling more hopeless with every minute that passes that he really doesn't care about me enough to outwardly spend valentines day with me. =(
i'm done. good night.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:53:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
no one
Dear heart,
i'm glad you can't be sick of me talking about james. i just realized that even when i'm not around him, the crap coming out of my mouth is about him.
yesterday was a really bad day at work. there were a lot of kids ditching and getting caught. so i was pretty busy. i'm glad dan recognized all my hard work when he mentioned this: "do you ever see yourself? you're on the phone, on the walkie talkie and telling someone else to hold on the green walkie talkie." thank goodness someone noticed how effing hard my job is.
anyway instead of going to class, i go to james' game. he played well but they lost. he apologized for not paying much attention to me when he played. i know its because he's SO in the zone. we go to target and i go shopping for our valentines day party at work. while i was looking through some stuff, i get a call from a ringtone that i thoughgt "hmm, i really like this song." it turns out james called me to hear what his ringtone was. i was so embarassed. i told him he couldn't be near me or talk to me or look at me at the moment. OMG now he probably thinks i am so in love with him. i even told him about the poem i wrote and how much he was going to like it. i just want to tell him i got him tickets to that game he'd give his right penis for.
anyway i was just feeling down and so we went to food for less to get a naked drink since jamba or juice it up was closed. his friend dan calls and i guess his fiance breaks it off with him. james was a bit excited to get his drinking buddy back and i was scared i was going to lose my partner in crime. oh NO! everytime he mentioned how they used to go out, all i could see was them hitting on everygirl. what was he gonna say? that he was dating someone? i doubt it. but then again i can't waste my time dwelling on it and just ruining the time i do have with him.
we go back to his place and we just laugh and poke fun at each other. i sighed after sex and the city and he repeated it back to me insinuating that it had meaning. i told him he was dramatic while kissing his neck. i love how we have this baby talk voice and it makes me just want to go with whatever it is we're talking about.
when we were kissing, i kept thinking how much i loved kissing him and that liking it that much would probably prevent me from even thinking of touching my lips to anyone else without extreme guilt. i liked that he wanted me to stay. he couldn't tell me to leave. he told me i could leave from there to school. god i wish. i liked sleeping there. it was just way comfortable. i told him that i fall asleep there because its just so comfortable but i always wake up in a panic. then the one time we could sleep in without panic, we were not-so-comfortable (at brett's).
i don't know if he has this much fun with any other girl or significant other before. everything just feels right. it's like undeniable or something how utterly compatible we are and that we might actually be really good together.
ps. random memory- he thought it was cute when i called him "deafy" which meant he was deaf. and he like my made up quote of "partially right is better than not right at all and in our case, since you're not partially right, you're wrong!"
i'm glad you can't be sick of me talking about james. i just realized that even when i'm not around him, the crap coming out of my mouth is about him.
yesterday was a really bad day at work. there were a lot of kids ditching and getting caught. so i was pretty busy. i'm glad dan recognized all my hard work when he mentioned this: "do you ever see yourself? you're on the phone, on the walkie talkie and telling someone else to hold on the green walkie talkie." thank goodness someone noticed how effing hard my job is.
anyway instead of going to class, i go to james' game. he played well but they lost. he apologized for not paying much attention to me when he played. i know its because he's SO in the zone. we go to target and i go shopping for our valentines day party at work. while i was looking through some stuff, i get a call from a ringtone that i thoughgt "hmm, i really like this song." it turns out james called me to hear what his ringtone was. i was so embarassed. i told him he couldn't be near me or talk to me or look at me at the moment. OMG now he probably thinks i am so in love with him. i even told him about the poem i wrote and how much he was going to like it. i just want to tell him i got him tickets to that game he'd give his right penis for.
anyway i was just feeling down and so we went to food for less to get a naked drink since jamba or juice it up was closed. his friend dan calls and i guess his fiance breaks it off with him. james was a bit excited to get his drinking buddy back and i was scared i was going to lose my partner in crime. oh NO! everytime he mentioned how they used to go out, all i could see was them hitting on everygirl. what was he gonna say? that he was dating someone? i doubt it. but then again i can't waste my time dwelling on it and just ruining the time i do have with him.
we go back to his place and we just laugh and poke fun at each other. i sighed after sex and the city and he repeated it back to me insinuating that it had meaning. i told him he was dramatic while kissing his neck. i love how we have this baby talk voice and it makes me just want to go with whatever it is we're talking about.
when we were kissing, i kept thinking how much i loved kissing him and that liking it that much would probably prevent me from even thinking of touching my lips to anyone else without extreme guilt. i liked that he wanted me to stay. he couldn't tell me to leave. he told me i could leave from there to school. god i wish. i liked sleeping there. it was just way comfortable. i told him that i fall asleep there because its just so comfortable but i always wake up in a panic. then the one time we could sleep in without panic, we were not-so-comfortable (at brett's).
i don't know if he has this much fun with any other girl or significant other before. everything just feels right. it's like undeniable or something how utterly compatible we are and that we might actually be really good together.
ps. random memory- he thought it was cute when i called him "deafy" which meant he was deaf. and he like my made up quote of "partially right is better than not right at all and in our case, since you're not partially right, you're wrong!"
this heart of mine was broken at 10:27:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, February 11, 2008
good idea? bad idea!
Dear heart,
after wicked, we go to brett's house for a sleepover. we watch movies but for some reason i am particularly NOT in the mood for their joking. i actually feel like crying and i blame it on my upcoming period. i just snuggle into james quietly.
then we got this crappy seat to sleep on and i guess he was upset about having to sleep there. i try to touch him but he wasn't even getting hard at first. he kept thinking of how he was going to explain this to me but his reason was that he was mad, not at me but at the couch, brett, and being uncomfortable.
after wicked, we go to brett's house for a sleepover. we watch movies but for some reason i am particularly NOT in the mood for their joking. i actually feel like crying and i blame it on my upcoming period. i just snuggle into james quietly.
then we got this crappy seat to sleep on and i guess he was upset about having to sleep there. i try to touch him but he wasn't even getting hard at first. he kept thinking of how he was going to explain this to me but his reason was that he was mad, not at me but at the couch, brett, and being uncomfortable.
this heart of mine was broken at 10:56:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
spending a day with james
Dear heart,
friday i spent the evening with antoinette. she was late and so i ended up talking on the phone with james. he was just going to stay home on a friday night. i figure, if he's seeing some other chick that would be the night to go out with her. anyway, i watch atonement with anty and it was SUCH a depressing movie. oh GOD it made me so mad. i drove home all depressed and pissed off. i stay up a little and finally went to bed around 2 or 3 in the morning.
i got a call from him around 8:45. he kept asking what i was doing that day and that he wanted to wait until 9 to call. that's cute how he almost couldn't wait to talk to me since he called me earlier than that. i invite him to my house so i go pick him up. he wanted to go get a haircut first so we went to some place by his house. he said it's been 2 years since he got his hair cut in a barber shop. he "needed my help." he wanted me to tell the lady how i wanted her to cut his hair. it was so weird and cute and relationship-y of us. when she was almost done, she asked ME if the haircut was ok. i was a little uncomfortable and unsure of what i was supposed to say cuz i mean, it was HIS hair. i just nod. he laughs because he said it was funny that the lady didn't know who to ask: him or me. that's a lot of power to give me. i got to shape his hair. that must mean SOMEthing. at least that my opinion matters.
then we drove home to pick up my sister and we go to wingstop. he pays for the food and i buy rice. then we go back to my place and play some video games. it was fun. melanie left to the other room and we fool around. when we were done, i was ready to go. he goes with me to best buy and then to the mall to get my phone. i love walking while holding his hand. he might not be that attractive but the fact that i probably love him, i think he is SO hot! this guy from att who i only gave my number to because he said he was going to tell me when this pink phone came in asked me last week if he could text or call me to get to know me better. i was all hugging james, making sure that guy knew i was semi-taken. i kept playing with my phone and i guess he hated the lack of attention. even though he'd be looking at shoes, he'd notice me not paying attention to him and we'd move on.
after everything we head to his place. he had this idea where if i went to play basketball with him, we'd watch a movie and i could pick whatever it was. on our way to his house to pick up his basketball clothes, he called his mom for no reason telling her that he basically spent the day with me and that he went with me to get my phone etc. it was cool that he just said my name and she knew who it was, well cuz she knows me but it just seemed so... familiar. that people are supposed to know me now. realizing i was spending the day with him gave me a good feeling. it was our first time actually doing that.
he changed and we went to some park near his house. he gave me sweats, a sweater, and a blanket. i was still cold. i read a book and explored my phone as he played ball. he was really good. afterwards, i could sense his eagerness of my approval. "did you watch me at least? i'm pretty good, right?" =D something like that. so then we go eat pho and maybe it was cuz i was hight but DAMN that was so good. i had another embarassing moment. i start singing that chris brown song "with you" not realizing the outside seating had no plastic to at least block out a bit of my volume. he was all "yeah there's no cover." i hate it! i am always so embarassing with him!
we go back to his place and we lay around for a bit but he says he needs to shower. i kinda like how he leaves me in his room. i always reach for him and he'll come back to give me a tender little kiss. SO cute! i guess i fall asleep cuz when i wake up he is watching 300 and is laying beside me. i ask him why he didn't wake me and he said i was sleeping. that i was snoring but his voice sounded like "aww." he kept asking why i was embarassed. his voiced cooed and he would randomly kiss me. he even let me hug this money his daughter gave him for fathers day. he was about to go to the bathroom and i was hugging it and he told me i could hold it but not too long or he'd get jealous, then takes it back immediately with a just kidding.
i love how he treats me. i think we do it like one and a half times and we fall asleep. i wake up and it is too late, yet again. i am SO dead. he puts his alarm for 7 and we keep snoozing it. there was a miscommunication where he says something about alarming it for 7:15 and i take it as him saying that was the time. then we kept snoozing for "5 more minutes" until it was way late and i was like "why did you not make me LEAVE?!"
each day i spend with him just makes me realize how i wouldn't mind just being with him already. what would be the difference with how we are right now? maybe i'd be different... so i guess i can say i like where we are now. *sigh i just don't know how to get the best of both worlds. i want security but also the nonchalantness and unconfrontational we are in this freedom...
but yes. saturday was the best day ever!
friday i spent the evening with antoinette. she was late and so i ended up talking on the phone with james. he was just going to stay home on a friday night. i figure, if he's seeing some other chick that would be the night to go out with her. anyway, i watch atonement with anty and it was SUCH a depressing movie. oh GOD it made me so mad. i drove home all depressed and pissed off. i stay up a little and finally went to bed around 2 or 3 in the morning.
i got a call from him around 8:45. he kept asking what i was doing that day and that he wanted to wait until 9 to call. that's cute how he almost couldn't wait to talk to me since he called me earlier than that. i invite him to my house so i go pick him up. he wanted to go get a haircut first so we went to some place by his house. he said it's been 2 years since he got his hair cut in a barber shop. he "needed my help." he wanted me to tell the lady how i wanted her to cut his hair. it was so weird and cute and relationship-y of us. when she was almost done, she asked ME if the haircut was ok. i was a little uncomfortable and unsure of what i was supposed to say cuz i mean, it was HIS hair. i just nod. he laughs because he said it was funny that the lady didn't know who to ask: him or me. that's a lot of power to give me. i got to shape his hair. that must mean SOMEthing. at least that my opinion matters.
then we drove home to pick up my sister and we go to wingstop. he pays for the food and i buy rice. then we go back to my place and play some video games. it was fun. melanie left to the other room and we fool around. when we were done, i was ready to go. he goes with me to best buy and then to the mall to get my phone. i love walking while holding his hand. he might not be that attractive but the fact that i probably love him, i think he is SO hot! this guy from att who i only gave my number to because he said he was going to tell me when this pink phone came in asked me last week if he could text or call me to get to know me better. i was all hugging james, making sure that guy knew i was semi-taken. i kept playing with my phone and i guess he hated the lack of attention. even though he'd be looking at shoes, he'd notice me not paying attention to him and we'd move on.
after everything we head to his place. he had this idea where if i went to play basketball with him, we'd watch a movie and i could pick whatever it was. on our way to his house to pick up his basketball clothes, he called his mom for no reason telling her that he basically spent the day with me and that he went with me to get my phone etc. it was cool that he just said my name and she knew who it was, well cuz she knows me but it just seemed so... familiar. that people are supposed to know me now. realizing i was spending the day with him gave me a good feeling. it was our first time actually doing that.
he changed and we went to some park near his house. he gave me sweats, a sweater, and a blanket. i was still cold. i read a book and explored my phone as he played ball. he was really good. afterwards, i could sense his eagerness of my approval. "did you watch me at least? i'm pretty good, right?" =D something like that. so then we go eat pho and maybe it was cuz i was hight but DAMN that was so good. i had another embarassing moment. i start singing that chris brown song "with you" not realizing the outside seating had no plastic to at least block out a bit of my volume. he was all "yeah there's no cover." i hate it! i am always so embarassing with him!
we go back to his place and we lay around for a bit but he says he needs to shower. i kinda like how he leaves me in his room. i always reach for him and he'll come back to give me a tender little kiss. SO cute! i guess i fall asleep cuz when i wake up he is watching 300 and is laying beside me. i ask him why he didn't wake me and he said i was sleeping. that i was snoring but his voice sounded like "aww." he kept asking why i was embarassed. his voiced cooed and he would randomly kiss me. he even let me hug this money his daughter gave him for fathers day. he was about to go to the bathroom and i was hugging it and he told me i could hold it but not too long or he'd get jealous, then takes it back immediately with a just kidding.
i love how he treats me. i think we do it like one and a half times and we fall asleep. i wake up and it is too late, yet again. i am SO dead. he puts his alarm for 7 and we keep snoozing it. there was a miscommunication where he says something about alarming it for 7:15 and i take it as him saying that was the time. then we kept snoozing for "5 more minutes" until it was way late and i was like "why did you not make me LEAVE?!"
each day i spend with him just makes me realize how i wouldn't mind just being with him already. what would be the difference with how we are right now? maybe i'd be different... so i guess i can say i like where we are now. *sigh i just don't know how to get the best of both worlds. i want security but also the nonchalantness and unconfrontational we are in this freedom...
but yes. saturday was the best day ever!
this heart of mine was broken at 12:21:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, February 09, 2008
thank god i hold off on my insanities
Dear heart,
so last post he said he was going to call me back. but didn't. i fell asleep but woke up at 12 to find no missed call and i was thoroughly upset. i cried and pouted in bed mumbling things about being sick of it and how i'm so over him. i wake up with still some crappy feelings but did some work before heading to work since i had a lot going on that day. i end up getting a text from him: "Want to go for a walk on the beach?" i'm thinking WTF?! he decides to forget to call me last night and all of a sudden tries to be mildly romantic?! i don't get it!
i guess he didn't have work so he told me he'd take the bus to long beach and meet me there. we TRIED long beach but it smelled like sewer so we just decided to eat. we ate at the taqueria and he thought the food was good. i warned him that last time ordering the chile verde burrito made my *ss bleed. he said i must be really comfortable with him to share something like that. i'm not sure if that was necessarily a good or bad thing.
then he went with me to go site shopping. it was cute though, like we were a couple. i don't think i've had that much fun grocery shopping ever! i told him he had his "white tendencies" when he kept using the shopping cart as a skateboard-like gadget. i like switching who gets to push the cart, or pushing it together, pulling when he is riding it, and even pushing it while i ride it.
we go to starbucks and my dramatic side wished vince was there to see this. then we pick up some uniforms from the gym. he stays in the car. i take really long and i guess i "ruined" his suprise of having a wicked song ready to play for me. he says "see deep down inside i can be romantic even though it doesn't seem like it." somewhere in my heart i cross my fingers that it comes out for valentines day. i drop him off near my school and i am already supposed to be at work! we had an important site visit that day but i was effing around with james!!!
i met jim who was going to be our campaign captain. we were dressed as superheroes for that kick-off dinner. then i call james and i come over. we go to a burger place and food for less while i am STILL wearing my costume! we go back to his place and i try to explain to his mom in passing why i looked the way i did. we go upstairs to his room and watch tv. we watch 300 and smoke a little. i hate when i do that cuz i get so tired and so i woke up at 4 in the morning and drove home. i was just so lazy and i was going to not even stay that late but OF COURSE i did. either way, i had an awesome day with him.
so last post he said he was going to call me back. but didn't. i fell asleep but woke up at 12 to find no missed call and i was thoroughly upset. i cried and pouted in bed mumbling things about being sick of it and how i'm so over him. i wake up with still some crappy feelings but did some work before heading to work since i had a lot going on that day. i end up getting a text from him: "Want to go for a walk on the beach?" i'm thinking WTF?! he decides to forget to call me last night and all of a sudden tries to be mildly romantic?! i don't get it!
i guess he didn't have work so he told me he'd take the bus to long beach and meet me there. we TRIED long beach but it smelled like sewer so we just decided to eat. we ate at the taqueria and he thought the food was good. i warned him that last time ordering the chile verde burrito made my *ss bleed. he said i must be really comfortable with him to share something like that. i'm not sure if that was necessarily a good or bad thing.
then he went with me to go site shopping. it was cute though, like we were a couple. i don't think i've had that much fun grocery shopping ever! i told him he had his "white tendencies" when he kept using the shopping cart as a skateboard-like gadget. i like switching who gets to push the cart, or pushing it together, pulling when he is riding it, and even pushing it while i ride it.
we go to starbucks and my dramatic side wished vince was there to see this. then we pick up some uniforms from the gym. he stays in the car. i take really long and i guess i "ruined" his suprise of having a wicked song ready to play for me. he says "see deep down inside i can be romantic even though it doesn't seem like it." somewhere in my heart i cross my fingers that it comes out for valentines day. i drop him off near my school and i am already supposed to be at work! we had an important site visit that day but i was effing around with james!!!
i met jim who was going to be our campaign captain. we were dressed as superheroes for that kick-off dinner. then i call james and i come over. we go to a burger place and food for less while i am STILL wearing my costume! we go back to his place and i try to explain to his mom in passing why i looked the way i did. we go upstairs to his room and watch tv. we watch 300 and smoke a little. i hate when i do that cuz i get so tired and so i woke up at 4 in the morning and drove home. i was just so lazy and i was going to not even stay that late but OF COURSE i did. either way, i had an awesome day with him.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:40:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
can i give him initiative by not calling?
Dear heart,
last night i want to his house after school. we watched 300. he died his hair black and i love it. i love when he looks at me when i watch tv and he brushesmy bangs to the side, away from my eyes. i love that we poke fun at each other about everything and how i can be a total weirdo with him and he can find it amusing. during the ending credits of 300, there was some chanting that i decided to mock and do weird hand movements. when i realized what i had done, i got so embarassed. it was something i'd do in front of family or antoinette who already know that i am a strange one. but he thought it was so funny. i apologize and he says, "no, that was so funny." but in an appreciative tone. then i say something about it being enya and he said he was just thinking it and made me feel so smart and witty.
it's kinda bugging me because i have been doing most of the calling or asking to hang out. he answers or calls me back but there is a lack of intitiative again. anyway i call him and he said he'd call me back cuz he was eating. i'm glad he picked up the phone but it made me wonder who he was eating with. then he calls me 15minutes later saying he was about to hop in the shower and that he wanted to tell me and that if he could call me after. i like him being considerate but how about some initiative?!
last night i want to his house after school. we watched 300. he died his hair black and i love it. i love when he looks at me when i watch tv and he brushesmy bangs to the side, away from my eyes. i love that we poke fun at each other about everything and how i can be a total weirdo with him and he can find it amusing. during the ending credits of 300, there was some chanting that i decided to mock and do weird hand movements. when i realized what i had done, i got so embarassed. it was something i'd do in front of family or antoinette who already know that i am a strange one. but he thought it was so funny. i apologize and he says, "no, that was so funny." but in an appreciative tone. then i say something about it being enya and he said he was just thinking it and made me feel so smart and witty.
it's kinda bugging me because i have been doing most of the calling or asking to hang out. he answers or calls me back but there is a lack of intitiative again. anyway i call him and he said he'd call me back cuz he was eating. i'm glad he picked up the phone but it made me wonder who he was eating with. then he calls me 15minutes later saying he was about to hop in the shower and that he wanted to tell me and that if he could call me after. i like him being considerate but how about some initiative?!
this heart of mine was broken at 10:47:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, February 03, 2008
underneath it all
Dear heart,
despite my efforts to mask my feminine tendencies, i have come to realize that i am just like any other person in this world who wants to find love and keep it for the rest of your life. i guess it doesn't matter if i ever get married, have kids, or any of that. i just want a partner in my life that i love romantically, physically, emotionally, and mentally. no matter how many men i go through out of boredom, fear, or just plain rejection- i have faith that there is someone out there for me who won't be in it just to hurt me. some nice guy that can actually make me a better person rather than get irritated of them and eventually taking them for granted.
i don't know if its because he is the only candidate, but james just suprises me sometimes. there are really moments where i don't understand why we aren't together. i have so much fun with him! every conversation we have is this seamless intricacy of witty jokes, daily occurances, or just deep moral/ethical issues. then we're around each other and i literally feel like i'm high. him being around me just makes me feel good and giddy and... well, just happy. i don't know if i make him feel anything close to that and most of the time i try to hide the fact that he affects me that much, but its there.
it's gotten to that scary portion where even though i wanted to, i couldn't just walk away from this unscathed.
despite my efforts to mask my feminine tendencies, i have come to realize that i am just like any other person in this world who wants to find love and keep it for the rest of your life. i guess it doesn't matter if i ever get married, have kids, or any of that. i just want a partner in my life that i love romantically, physically, emotionally, and mentally. no matter how many men i go through out of boredom, fear, or just plain rejection- i have faith that there is someone out there for me who won't be in it just to hurt me. some nice guy that can actually make me a better person rather than get irritated of them and eventually taking them for granted.
i don't know if its because he is the only candidate, but james just suprises me sometimes. there are really moments where i don't understand why we aren't together. i have so much fun with him! every conversation we have is this seamless intricacy of witty jokes, daily occurances, or just deep moral/ethical issues. then we're around each other and i literally feel like i'm high. him being around me just makes me feel good and giddy and... well, just happy. i don't know if i make him feel anything close to that and most of the time i try to hide the fact that he affects me that much, but its there.
it's gotten to that scary portion where even though i wanted to, i couldn't just walk away from this unscathed.
this heart of mine was broken at 9:33:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
best night ever and worst morning to wake up to
Dear heart,
last night we went to boomers in irvine. omg it was so fun. we get there and we do batting cages. i am actually good at fast softball pitches! he gets in trouble for not wearing a helmet. while i was hitting those softball pitches, some fat white chicks started talking to him. it got me pissed and my hands hurt from the lack of gripping the bat. then he hits it and he's really good. i felt good to know that those idiots were drooling over him and he was gonna go home with me and give me some.
then we go to the car, smoke a little, then go-kart racing. i was behind some slow ass asian person and he swears that he won the race. it was fun though. after we climb those wall things james went on the hardest level and he did really well but didn't make it to the top. some girls behind us were saying that "your boyfriend is spiderman." it secretly made me proud inside. i didn't reply back to them. i just cheer him on warning him that he can't give up or he'll never forgive himself. when he gets down, he keeps looking up longingly. i had to take him by the hand and lead him to where i was going to climb. i actually made it to the top. i didn't have too much trouble getting up there but it was still a nice rush. i love that he tells me he's proud of me.
after we go laser tagging and some stupid high school kids are being annoying in front of us. then we go laser tagging with some girls and i have to admit i was a bit jealous of the comraderie. they even took a picture of him which made me look away cuz it annoyed me a bit. then we go inside and eat mcdonalds. i think some security guard who was telling james to put on a helmet was in LOVE with him. then we play some videogames like that snowmobile ride, basketball, the bowling thing, and air hockey. when he was putting the tokens for air hockey, he randomly kissed me all passionately. we exchange our tickets for tokens. i got a glow in the dark ring and he got a parachute guy and a praying mantis. we go back to the car to smoke more before bowling. unfortunately there was a 4 person minimum per lane.
i'm sure he spent a lot of money. i think the only thing i spent money on was the baseball tokens and i only got away with that because he was in the cages when i bought it. he wasn't there to stop me. we go back to his place and i think we watch frequency. i wasn't paying much attention to it because i was super high. we do it like a million times and it felt amazing! we fell asleep and i woke up at 6:30. i should have left but we do it AGAIN and i just pass out right away. i wake up again at 9:30 and i have 4 missed calls from my mom with a threatening text. i lay around till about 11:30. we try to come up with excuses as to how i didn't come home last night. well, it was mostly me trying to throw out reasons and james being the logic, telling me they won't believe that.
there was a momentary drawback to my faith in him. hanging on his mirror is a golden heart necklace. i doubt it belongs to him and if it was his mom's, why would it be in there? could it be some other girl's? was i really foolish enough to think i was the only one?
then when i leave to go to my car, james' mom is downstairs!!! so the first time i meet her, i have a bad case of sex hair. and to think, this woman only knows me from the noises i make at night in her sons bedroom. it's been 3 months. but she says she's heard a lot of good things about me. i don't know if that's something polite to say or he really talks about me. we briefly mention the cd i made her and about good taste in music for liking norah jones. it was the worst though! i looked like death, and i'm barely meeting her after coming to her house so many damn times. it was just a bad situation. now i am hungry but don't wanna face everyone who knows i didn't come home last night.
last night we went to boomers in irvine. omg it was so fun. we get there and we do batting cages. i am actually good at fast softball pitches! he gets in trouble for not wearing a helmet. while i was hitting those softball pitches, some fat white chicks started talking to him. it got me pissed and my hands hurt from the lack of gripping the bat. then he hits it and he's really good. i felt good to know that those idiots were drooling over him and he was gonna go home with me and give me some.
then we go to the car, smoke a little, then go-kart racing. i was behind some slow ass asian person and he swears that he won the race. it was fun though. after we climb those wall things james went on the hardest level and he did really well but didn't make it to the top. some girls behind us were saying that "your boyfriend is spiderman." it secretly made me proud inside. i didn't reply back to them. i just cheer him on warning him that he can't give up or he'll never forgive himself. when he gets down, he keeps looking up longingly. i had to take him by the hand and lead him to where i was going to climb. i actually made it to the top. i didn't have too much trouble getting up there but it was still a nice rush. i love that he tells me he's proud of me.
after we go laser tagging and some stupid high school kids are being annoying in front of us. then we go laser tagging with some girls and i have to admit i was a bit jealous of the comraderie. they even took a picture of him which made me look away cuz it annoyed me a bit. then we go inside and eat mcdonalds. i think some security guard who was telling james to put on a helmet was in LOVE with him. then we play some videogames like that snowmobile ride, basketball, the bowling thing, and air hockey. when he was putting the tokens for air hockey, he randomly kissed me all passionately. we exchange our tickets for tokens. i got a glow in the dark ring and he got a parachute guy and a praying mantis. we go back to the car to smoke more before bowling. unfortunately there was a 4 person minimum per lane.
i'm sure he spent a lot of money. i think the only thing i spent money on was the baseball tokens and i only got away with that because he was in the cages when i bought it. he wasn't there to stop me. we go back to his place and i think we watch frequency. i wasn't paying much attention to it because i was super high. we do it like a million times and it felt amazing! we fell asleep and i woke up at 6:30. i should have left but we do it AGAIN and i just pass out right away. i wake up again at 9:30 and i have 4 missed calls from my mom with a threatening text. i lay around till about 11:30. we try to come up with excuses as to how i didn't come home last night. well, it was mostly me trying to throw out reasons and james being the logic, telling me they won't believe that.
there was a momentary drawback to my faith in him. hanging on his mirror is a golden heart necklace. i doubt it belongs to him and if it was his mom's, why would it be in there? could it be some other girl's? was i really foolish enough to think i was the only one?
then when i leave to go to my car, james' mom is downstairs!!! so the first time i meet her, i have a bad case of sex hair. and to think, this woman only knows me from the noises i make at night in her sons bedroom. it's been 3 months. but she says she's heard a lot of good things about me. i don't know if that's something polite to say or he really talks about me. we briefly mention the cd i made her and about good taste in music for liking norah jones. it was the worst though! i looked like death, and i'm barely meeting her after coming to her house so many damn times. it was just a bad situation. now i am hungry but don't wanna face everyone who knows i didn't come home last night.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:44:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, February 01, 2008
valentine poem: under construction
Dear heart,
instead of a card from the supermart
i decided to make you one from the heart
it didn't cost nothing, it wasn't store bought
it
how do i say this without sounding cheesy
or tell you what's up without sounding easy
i knew right then since the first time met
instead of a card from the supermart
i decided to make you one from the heart
it didn't cost nothing, it wasn't store bought
it
how do i say this without sounding cheesy
or tell you what's up without sounding easy
i knew right then since the first time met
this heart of mine was broken at 8:16:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
a telltale signs of lameness: a checklist update
Dear heart,
i have officially accepted the fact that i am THAT into james. i can finally surrender to the lameness of knowing i am ready for a relationship with him if he so chooses.
there was some model looking guy in my comm 330 class and he gave me his number. the thing is i would never use it recreationally, just educationally. when it comes down to it, i would choose james over anyone. hot or gorgeous, tall or medium, buff or skinny, thug or GQ, rich or starving student, if they aren't james then they don't matter.
i just think how they won't make me feel the way he does which is an effortless caring and vulnerability that feels safe. i can't walk away from them the way i do when i leave him which is disappointment that i can't continue spending time with him at that moment but realize i just had the best time of my life doing whatever it is because it was with him.
i just know now that i don't want anyone else but him. kissing, holding someone's hand, or other romantic gestures seem pointles with other people. i can live off his smiles and knowing i caused them. i can drown in his laughter and feel like i can sink deep into him forever.
[X] does saying "i love you, james" just roll of my tongue? can i imagine myself ever saying that to him?
YES! sometimes i say it out loud in the car after i leave him or when we get off the phone.
[] can i picture myself getting physical with him and be content with it for the rest of the year?
[] looking forward 5, 10, even 40 years from now, can i picture myself with him? could i stand it that long?
i can see myself with him. i can see us having problems with the daughter issue and baby momma drama, but i am willing to work it out with him because he is so worth it.
[] would i really survive having to witness annoying habit here every day of my life?
his flakiness makes me want to shoot him or stop talking to him forever but as a flake myself, sometimes flaking on someone doesn't necessarily reflect your feelings. it could signify cowardice, laziness, or opportunistic choices.
[] what would my family think if i took him to a family party?
he seems friendly enough so i'm sure he'd get along great with everyone. i'd just be scared to bring up that he has a daughter.
[] am i the only one who finds him attractive or will my friends approve?
according to anty, he isn't ugly but he's not hot. to me, i think he is so sexy. i try to look at him objectively but i can see the james i know and love. to me he's good-looking, but his heart just makes him look like gold.
[] do i like him enough NOT to cheat on him (ever)?
honestly, yes.
i wish i could tell him all this. almost like a congratulations. i honestly have not had this kind of enlightenment since mario. that was almost 2 years ago and even then it was an impulse realization that was premature to make. i have been dating james since october and although things were rocky in the beginning, it's evolved to this do-able concoction. even the troy thing was a little forced. i felt a lot of pressure from him. this james epiphany seemed too natural and so right. will he ever want to be with me or will he too miss his door opening like most guys lucky enough to be given the chance?
i have officially accepted the fact that i am THAT into james. i can finally surrender to the lameness of knowing i am ready for a relationship with him if he so chooses.
there was some model looking guy in my comm 330 class and he gave me his number. the thing is i would never use it recreationally, just educationally. when it comes down to it, i would choose james over anyone. hot or gorgeous, tall or medium, buff or skinny, thug or GQ, rich or starving student, if they aren't james then they don't matter.
i just think how they won't make me feel the way he does which is an effortless caring and vulnerability that feels safe. i can't walk away from them the way i do when i leave him which is disappointment that i can't continue spending time with him at that moment but realize i just had the best time of my life doing whatever it is because it was with him.
i just know now that i don't want anyone else but him. kissing, holding someone's hand, or other romantic gestures seem pointles with other people. i can live off his smiles and knowing i caused them. i can drown in his laughter and feel like i can sink deep into him forever.
[X] does saying "i love you, james" just roll of my tongue? can i imagine myself ever saying that to him?
YES! sometimes i say it out loud in the car after i leave him or when we get off the phone.
[] can i picture myself getting physical with him and be content with it for the rest of the year?
[] looking forward 5, 10, even 40 years from now, can i picture myself with him? could i stand it that long?
i can see myself with him. i can see us having problems with the daughter issue and baby momma drama, but i am willing to work it out with him because he is so worth it.
[] would i really survive having to witness annoying habit here every day of my life?
his flakiness makes me want to shoot him or stop talking to him forever but as a flake myself, sometimes flaking on someone doesn't necessarily reflect your feelings. it could signify cowardice, laziness, or opportunistic choices.
[] what would my family think if i took him to a family party?
he seems friendly enough so i'm sure he'd get along great with everyone. i'd just be scared to bring up that he has a daughter.
[] am i the only one who finds him attractive or will my friends approve?
according to anty, he isn't ugly but he's not hot. to me, i think he is so sexy. i try to look at him objectively but i can see the james i know and love. to me he's good-looking, but his heart just makes him look like gold.
[] do i like him enough NOT to cheat on him (ever)?
honestly, yes.
i wish i could tell him all this. almost like a congratulations. i honestly have not had this kind of enlightenment since mario. that was almost 2 years ago and even then it was an impulse realization that was premature to make. i have been dating james since october and although things were rocky in the beginning, it's evolved to this do-able concoction. even the troy thing was a little forced. i felt a lot of pressure from him. this james epiphany seemed too natural and so right. will he ever want to be with me or will he too miss his door opening like most guys lucky enough to be given the chance?
this heart of mine was broken at 9:52:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
already starting bad habits
Dear heart,
so i was supposed to work out this morning according to my schedule but i got caught up on the computer and totally didn't do it. plus i had this thing where i was supposed to be home BY 11 because i have class at 8 that i cannot be late for. what time is it? it's like 3 in the morning and i fell asleep at james' house. i finally woke up at 2 but i swear i wanted to just lay there with him. and he smelled SO good today too. we watched shooter and it was pretty good from what i saw. i was wearing work clothes and i warned him on the phone that i was ugly. he pretended to change his mind about me coming over. when he saw me, he said "ugly? get out of here." i know it was nothing special and there were no major events but i always feel like i just had the best time of my life. i honestly can't remember the last person i felt that for or the last time i did. but james time is consistently the opposite of disappointing. i just can't find the word. i don't even wanna mess this up with any random boy distractions.
so i was supposed to work out this morning according to my schedule but i got caught up on the computer and totally didn't do it. plus i had this thing where i was supposed to be home BY 11 because i have class at 8 that i cannot be late for. what time is it? it's like 3 in the morning and i fell asleep at james' house. i finally woke up at 2 but i swear i wanted to just lay there with him. and he smelled SO good today too. we watched shooter and it was pretty good from what i saw. i was wearing work clothes and i warned him on the phone that i was ugly. he pretended to change his mind about me coming over. when he saw me, he said "ugly? get out of here." i know it was nothing special and there were no major events but i always feel like i just had the best time of my life. i honestly can't remember the last person i felt that for or the last time i did. but james time is consistently the opposite of disappointing. i just can't find the word. i don't even wanna mess this up with any random boy distractions.
this heart of mine was broken at 3:13:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
the knowing
Dear heart,
it was always my favorite in my ap english class.
a poem by sharon olds:
Afterwards, when we have slept, paradise-
comaed, and woken, we lie a long time
looking at each other.
I do not know what he sees, but I see
eyes of surpassing tenderness
and calm, a calm like the dignity
of matter. I love the open ocean
Blue-grey-green of his iris, I love
the curve of it against the white,
that curve the sight of what has caused me
to come, when he's quite still, deep
inside me. I have never seen a curve
like that, except the earth from outer
space. I don't know where he got
his kindness without self-regard,
almost without self, and yet
he chose one woman, instead of the others.
By knowing him, I get to know
the piruty of the animal
which mates for life. Sometimes he is slighlty
smiling, but mostly he just gazes at me gazing,
his entire face lit. I love
to see it change if I cry- there is no worry,
no pity, a graver radiance. If we
are on our backs, side to side,
with our faces turned fully to face each other,
I can hear a tear from my lower eye
hit the sheet, as if it is an early day on earth,
and then the upper eye's tears
braid the sluice down through the lower eyebrow
like the invention of farming, irrigation, a non-nomadic people.
I am so lucky that I know him.
This is the only way to know him.
I am the only one who knows him.
When I wake again, he is still looking at me,
as if he is eternal. For an hour
we wake and doze, and slowly I know
that though we are sated, though we are hardly
touching, this is the coming the other
coming brought us to the edge of- we are entering,
deeper and deeper, gaze by gaze,
this place beyond the other places,
beyond the body itself, we are making
love.
it was always my favorite in my ap english class.
a poem by sharon olds:
Afterwards, when we have slept, paradise-
comaed, and woken, we lie a long time
looking at each other.
I do not know what he sees, but I see
eyes of surpassing tenderness
and calm, a calm like the dignity
of matter. I love the open ocean
Blue-grey-green of his iris, I love
the curve of it against the white,
that curve the sight of what has caused me
to come, when he's quite still, deep
inside me. I have never seen a curve
like that, except the earth from outer
space. I don't know where he got
his kindness without self-regard,
almost without self, and yet
he chose one woman, instead of the others.
By knowing him, I get to know
the piruty of the animal
which mates for life. Sometimes he is slighlty
smiling, but mostly he just gazes at me gazing,
his entire face lit. I love
to see it change if I cry- there is no worry,
no pity, a graver radiance. If we
are on our backs, side to side,
with our faces turned fully to face each other,
I can hear a tear from my lower eye
hit the sheet, as if it is an early day on earth,
and then the upper eye's tears
braid the sluice down through the lower eyebrow
like the invention of farming, irrigation, a non-nomadic people.
I am so lucky that I know him.
This is the only way to know him.
I am the only one who knows him.
When I wake again, he is still looking at me,
as if he is eternal. For an hour
we wake and doze, and slowly I know
that though we are sated, though we are hardly
touching, this is the coming the other
coming brought us to the edge of- we are entering,
deeper and deeper, gaze by gaze,
this place beyond the other places,
beyond the body itself, we are making
love.
this heart of mine was broken at 9:54:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
am i being too much?
Dear heart,
i expected to see him today because i had no school after work but i guess he played some league game in oceanside. before then, i texted him about coming by and got no reply. this is when i start getting my panties in a twist. but then i called him around 12 after my nap and he picks up. his mood was significantly better and he didn't sound like he did yesterday. i love him sharing stories because it makes me comfortable to share my random anecdotes.
we were discussing our ice skating experience and i told him how i hated being bad at things. i always felt and looked like i was going to fall. but all my complaining was turned upside down when he was like "but you looked cute on the ice." i guess that's all that really matters. even though my skills weren't impressing him, at least he still appreciated my effort.
but i feel like since saturday, i've been a little too much. first of all, i sang him a song, made his mom a cd, and have been the one who calls. i need to control myself a little more because it's when i do this that i come off as needy and i scare guys away or have them start taking me for granted. i just need to tone down my efforts. it's hard though when i like someone. all i want to do is see them or make them happy with random acts or gifts. but i realize that guys respond to neglect because he'll feel the thrill of "the chase."
valentines day is coming up and i seriously wonder if he'll get me anything or if we're doing anything. i know i have class but i hope he won't use that as an excuse to go do something else. if he does something, then he's into me in that way that could progress into something more. if not, then he's still kinda into me but not like i want it to be. do girls always have these little ultimatums in their head? there are so many things he can do to make me happy... where it ranges from "that's cool. you remembered!" to "OMG i freaking almost love you!" i hate when i think of the possibilites because i can be so disgustingly romantic and i, not expect, but have high hopes for people to match my creativity.
From least to greatest:
1 . . . texting me a happy valentines day
2 . . . calling me to wish me happy valentines day
3 . . . spending time with me
4 . . . having a card for me when i come over
5 . . . having a flower or a stuffed animal waiting for me at his place
6 . . . flowers when i see him
7 . . . flowers sent to my work
8 . . . he has dinner plans for us: either out or he cooks
9 . . . does something cheestastic like sing for me
10 . . . (needs a paragraph so see below)
this is my ultimate valentines day fantasy. first he sends flowers to my work, it doesn't matter what kind as long as school staff and my staff see someone cares about me. we have plans for dinner and he greets me with a bouquet of multicolored gerber daisies. then we have a converation about our "situation" and he decides to make it offical. i play the uncertainty card and tell him i need to think about it even though i am screaming yes in my head. we go back to his place and waiting on his bed for me there is either a stuffed animal, or random little gift that has some special meaning to us, or a card that spills his guts. we make love at least twice and then we do our bathroom routine that i have come to look forward to and love. we listen to romantic music while having our normal random conversations about everything while he holds me and kisses the back of my shoulders or my neck. i stay till the last possible moment where i can still go home before my mom gets up for work. then while he kisses me goodbye at my car, i tell him i want to be with him. OMG! that would be the best valentines day ever!
when i read it over, i want to laugh because i know it'll never happen. nothing even slightly close to that would happen. with my luck, he'd probably go see his daughter that day and spend valentines day with two females more important than me. i think i wouldn't be upset if that happened, just extremely disappointed. maybe utterly devastated too but hey. whatever right? i am in no relationship so there are no obligations. and maybe in some ways its a good thing. i think i'd be heartbroken if he was my boyfriend and yet he can't/didn't spend valentines day with me. maybe its all for the best.
this is always how things pan out for me. i start thinking of the best possible outcome and accepting that it will probably never happen. then i go by worst case scenarios and go off that.
i think i need to take a step back. school and work are way more important than some uncertain almost-relationship.
i expected to see him today because i had no school after work but i guess he played some league game in oceanside. before then, i texted him about coming by and got no reply. this is when i start getting my panties in a twist. but then i called him around 12 after my nap and he picks up. his mood was significantly better and he didn't sound like he did yesterday. i love him sharing stories because it makes me comfortable to share my random anecdotes.
we were discussing our ice skating experience and i told him how i hated being bad at things. i always felt and looked like i was going to fall. but all my complaining was turned upside down when he was like "but you looked cute on the ice." i guess that's all that really matters. even though my skills weren't impressing him, at least he still appreciated my effort.
but i feel like since saturday, i've been a little too much. first of all, i sang him a song, made his mom a cd, and have been the one who calls. i need to control myself a little more because it's when i do this that i come off as needy and i scare guys away or have them start taking me for granted. i just need to tone down my efforts. it's hard though when i like someone. all i want to do is see them or make them happy with random acts or gifts. but i realize that guys respond to neglect because he'll feel the thrill of "the chase."
valentines day is coming up and i seriously wonder if he'll get me anything or if we're doing anything. i know i have class but i hope he won't use that as an excuse to go do something else. if he does something, then he's into me in that way that could progress into something more. if not, then he's still kinda into me but not like i want it to be. do girls always have these little ultimatums in their head? there are so many things he can do to make me happy... where it ranges from "that's cool. you remembered!" to "OMG i freaking almost love you!" i hate when i think of the possibilites because i can be so disgustingly romantic and i, not expect, but have high hopes for people to match my creativity.
From least to greatest:
1 . . . texting me a happy valentines day
2 . . . calling me to wish me happy valentines day
3 . . . spending time with me
4 . . . having a card for me when i come over
5 . . . having a flower or a stuffed animal waiting for me at his place
6 . . . flowers when i see him
7 . . . flowers sent to my work
8 . . . he has dinner plans for us: either out or he cooks
9 . . . does something cheestastic like sing for me
10 . . . (needs a paragraph so see below)
this is my ultimate valentines day fantasy. first he sends flowers to my work, it doesn't matter what kind as long as school staff and my staff see someone cares about me. we have plans for dinner and he greets me with a bouquet of multicolored gerber daisies. then we have a converation about our "situation" and he decides to make it offical. i play the uncertainty card and tell him i need to think about it even though i am screaming yes in my head. we go back to his place and waiting on his bed for me there is either a stuffed animal, or random little gift that has some special meaning to us, or a card that spills his guts. we make love at least twice and then we do our bathroom routine that i have come to look forward to and love. we listen to romantic music while having our normal random conversations about everything while he holds me and kisses the back of my shoulders or my neck. i stay till the last possible moment where i can still go home before my mom gets up for work. then while he kisses me goodbye at my car, i tell him i want to be with him. OMG! that would be the best valentines day ever!
when i read it over, i want to laugh because i know it'll never happen. nothing even slightly close to that would happen. with my luck, he'd probably go see his daughter that day and spend valentines day with two females more important than me. i think i wouldn't be upset if that happened, just extremely disappointed. maybe utterly devastated too but hey. whatever right? i am in no relationship so there are no obligations. and maybe in some ways its a good thing. i think i'd be heartbroken if he was my boyfriend and yet he can't/didn't spend valentines day with me. maybe its all for the best.
this is always how things pan out for me. i start thinking of the best possible outcome and accepting that it will probably never happen. then i go by worst case scenarios and go off that.
i think i need to take a step back. school and work are way more important than some uncertain almost-relationship.
this heart of mine was broken at 1:48:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, January 28, 2008
two steps forward and maybe a step back?
Dear heart,
i went out with co-workers friday night and called james after to see what he was doing. i was a little bitter just because we didn't really talk that much the day before. i called him after work and he was playing basketball with brett and i was with anty. he told me to call him after our movie. i didn't end up watching the movie and called him but he didn't answer. he didn't call back that night. i call him friday morning, no answer but he calls me later and i don't pick up. he leaves me some message about missing a call from me and to change my voicemail cuz he thought it was unprofessional.
anyway, i call him and i come over. we watch the last part of rambo. we start to listen to music and he finds out that i liked norah jones and he gets all excited. he says his mom loves norah jones and that now i can hang out with his mom. after one commonality? i almost laugh because he is just all about the idea of hanging out with his mom. he asks what i'm doing next weekend and says we have to do something with her. so we lay there listening to "what am i to you" in repeat and then some kenny g. he says that no one sees this side of him. when he says things like that, i feel special but i don't give any response or show any signs that any of this is just melting my b*tch heart.
we randomly kiss but just relax. i like that he looks at me while i pretend to think about the song playing. really- i'm thinking about how he's looking at me and how every single word of that song is whispering the secret of my feelings to us. everytime i try to leave, he pulls me back. i try to leave around 4 and then we end up doing it because i realized it might be awhile till we get to again. we go do our bathroom ritual and start talking loudly about what we should do next time. suddenly we hear his mom's door slam. i felt bad. there goes the idea for next weekend.
then the next day, we go ice skating. it was colder than i anticipated and he gives me his jacket. when we say bye, he picks me up and then we kiss. today was weird though. he doesn't text or call me at all. but he does pick up when i called him later that night. except the conversation isn't the same. he seems bored or preoccupied or not as talkative.
i hate feeling like he could really be into me and that maybe sometime soon this might become something. then he just distances himself. it makes me want to distance myself too. i wish i felt less for him than what i do. i watched game plan and felt some minor animosity towards the daughter. avery will never like me and she will always want him to be with her mother. he will always love avery more than me. stacy will always have the use avery to bend james to her will. and i will always just be another girl who won't ever mean as much as all the other women in his life. ugh!
i went out with co-workers friday night and called james after to see what he was doing. i was a little bitter just because we didn't really talk that much the day before. i called him after work and he was playing basketball with brett and i was with anty. he told me to call him after our movie. i didn't end up watching the movie and called him but he didn't answer. he didn't call back that night. i call him friday morning, no answer but he calls me later and i don't pick up. he leaves me some message about missing a call from me and to change my voicemail cuz he thought it was unprofessional.
anyway, i call him and i come over. we watch the last part of rambo. we start to listen to music and he finds out that i liked norah jones and he gets all excited. he says his mom loves norah jones and that now i can hang out with his mom. after one commonality? i almost laugh because he is just all about the idea of hanging out with his mom. he asks what i'm doing next weekend and says we have to do something with her. so we lay there listening to "what am i to you" in repeat and then some kenny g. he says that no one sees this side of him. when he says things like that, i feel special but i don't give any response or show any signs that any of this is just melting my b*tch heart.
we randomly kiss but just relax. i like that he looks at me while i pretend to think about the song playing. really- i'm thinking about how he's looking at me and how every single word of that song is whispering the secret of my feelings to us. everytime i try to leave, he pulls me back. i try to leave around 4 and then we end up doing it because i realized it might be awhile till we get to again. we go do our bathroom ritual and start talking loudly about what we should do next time. suddenly we hear his mom's door slam. i felt bad. there goes the idea for next weekend.
then the next day, we go ice skating. it was colder than i anticipated and he gives me his jacket. when we say bye, he picks me up and then we kiss. today was weird though. he doesn't text or call me at all. but he does pick up when i called him later that night. except the conversation isn't the same. he seems bored or preoccupied or not as talkative.
i hate feeling like he could really be into me and that maybe sometime soon this might become something. then he just distances himself. it makes me want to distance myself too. i wish i felt less for him than what i do. i watched game plan and felt some minor animosity towards the daughter. avery will never like me and she will always want him to be with her mother. he will always love avery more than me. stacy will always have the use avery to bend james to her will. and i will always just be another girl who won't ever mean as much as all the other women in his life. ugh!
this heart of mine was broken at 12:05:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, January 24, 2008
maybe they mean something
Dear heart,
here are some random specifics i was sharing with antoinette and she feels like we should just stop beating around the bush and make it official already.
i admitted that he kinda freaked out when he saw the engagement-looking ring on my finger. he said he could have sworn it was on my ring finger. i laugh it off and say something like "oh, you didn't know?!" he luaghs too and tells me that he doesn't want to know.
:/ i interpret that as our thing being casual so he doesn't care to think about my extracurricular (or extramarital) activities
:) Antoinette says he doesn't want to hear about it cuz he doesn't want to hear about me with other guys cuz it would hurt him or something.
We have this new after-sex ritual where we go hand-in-hand to the bathroom and clean ourselves and pee in front of each other. before it was us doing this individually, taking turns to go to the bathroom. somehow it became a team effort where he pees in front of me, that was fine but then he had me pee saying he wasn't going to look but continues the conversation as i pee. then it became this almost natural part of our routine after getting it on.
:) apparantly, most couples do NOT do this. she sees this much intimacy as signs of practically being married already.
:/ I know how to differentiate comfortability and physical intimacy as opposed to emotional intimacy and relatinship progression. basically, it's not that big of a deal to me.
here are some random specifics i was sharing with antoinette and she feels like we should just stop beating around the bush and make it official already.
i admitted that he kinda freaked out when he saw the engagement-looking ring on my finger. he said he could have sworn it was on my ring finger. i laugh it off and say something like "oh, you didn't know?!" he luaghs too and tells me that he doesn't want to know.
:/ i interpret that as our thing being casual so he doesn't care to think about my extracurricular (or extramarital) activities
:) Antoinette says he doesn't want to hear about it cuz he doesn't want to hear about me with other guys cuz it would hurt him or something.
We have this new after-sex ritual where we go hand-in-hand to the bathroom and clean ourselves and pee in front of each other. before it was us doing this individually, taking turns to go to the bathroom. somehow it became a team effort where he pees in front of me, that was fine but then he had me pee saying he wasn't going to look but continues the conversation as i pee. then it became this almost natural part of our routine after getting it on.
:) apparantly, most couples do NOT do this. she sees this much intimacy as signs of practically being married already.
:/ I know how to differentiate comfortability and physical intimacy as opposed to emotional intimacy and relatinship progression. basically, it's not that big of a deal to me.
this heart of mine was broken at 10:24:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
less than three or <3
Dear heart,
i just came from james' house and we watched 3:10 to yuma. i actually cried and i think he found it adorable. we were kinda playing powerstruggle in bed by turning away and seeing who would come hug the other first. i NEVER gave in. i like that he serves me my food. i like that he just looks at me and then kisses me. i love how his lips feel against mine and how they seem to be the only thing that shakes my inner core. i like that we can laugh all the time making that time go by too damn fast. i like that we gave each other our business cards. i like that he has the post it i gave him on his fridge. i like that he knows i have a picture of him in my work folder and he didn't freak out about it. i like that he kissed me fifty thousand times tonight before i got to go inside the car. i love that he gave me a rose just before i drove off...
i just came from james' house and we watched 3:10 to yuma. i actually cried and i think he found it adorable. we were kinda playing powerstruggle in bed by turning away and seeing who would come hug the other first. i NEVER gave in. i like that he serves me my food. i like that he just looks at me and then kisses me. i love how his lips feel against mine and how they seem to be the only thing that shakes my inner core. i like that we can laugh all the time making that time go by too damn fast. i like that we gave each other our business cards. i like that he has the post it i gave him on his fridge. i like that he knows i have a picture of him in my work folder and he didn't freak out about it. i like that he kissed me fifty thousand times tonight before i got to go inside the car. i love that he gave me a rose just before i drove off...
this heart of mine was broken at 3:08:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
james version 2.1
Dear heart,
james has seriously become a completely different person this year. like... acting more like he's a boyfriend. he's become very demanding of my attention and time lately. we've seen each other more this month than the three months prior put together.
like monday i was giving him a choice on whether we should hang out that day or tuesday. he said he was selfish and would choose both days. when i came over before chicago, i was a bit tired and he ran to the liquor store for me and got me strawberry milk. he's always checking if i'm comfortable and catering to my every whim.
so i end up seeing him monday because i just came from chicago the day before. he confesses that he "actually" thought of me when i was in chicago. it sounded almost insulting but i knew it was a big deal that he thought of me. he said he thought he should tell me because he felt like he was keeping it from me or something.
so basically we watch movies and he cried AGAIN at million dollar baby. this is the second time he has cried in a movie with me. it's adorable but he's two up on me with the crying thing. he tells me about some relatives that die and how he felt about them and then soon realizes that he hadn't told even his friends how he felt about that. he was all "wow you know me more than my friends." i just stayed quiet cuz i really didn't know what to say. i just love how he babies me sometimes. i like that... and i love that its only sometimes. cuz there are times when i'm trying to get his attention. but not that night. everytime i tried to get up to leave, he'd pull me back to bed. we talked about religion and death and god-knows-what until almost 4, while having sex 3 times. haha. but hey he's quick so there was a lot of talking. i was so tired we just fell asleep and then i woke up again at 5 in the morning and he walks me to my car even though its raining.
and now he calls ALOT! it's nuts how much initiative he has now to give me a ring. i want to call him sometimes but i hold off a little and he ends up calling me. i love it. can't wait for what's more to come.
james has seriously become a completely different person this year. like... acting more like he's a boyfriend. he's become very demanding of my attention and time lately. we've seen each other more this month than the three months prior put together.
like monday i was giving him a choice on whether we should hang out that day or tuesday. he said he was selfish and would choose both days. when i came over before chicago, i was a bit tired and he ran to the liquor store for me and got me strawberry milk. he's always checking if i'm comfortable and catering to my every whim.
so i end up seeing him monday because i just came from chicago the day before. he confesses that he "actually" thought of me when i was in chicago. it sounded almost insulting but i knew it was a big deal that he thought of me. he said he thought he should tell me because he felt like he was keeping it from me or something.
so basically we watch movies and he cried AGAIN at million dollar baby. this is the second time he has cried in a movie with me. it's adorable but he's two up on me with the crying thing. he tells me about some relatives that die and how he felt about them and then soon realizes that he hadn't told even his friends how he felt about that. he was all "wow you know me more than my friends." i just stayed quiet cuz i really didn't know what to say. i just love how he babies me sometimes. i like that... and i love that its only sometimes. cuz there are times when i'm trying to get his attention. but not that night. everytime i tried to get up to leave, he'd pull me back to bed. we talked about religion and death and god-knows-what until almost 4, while having sex 3 times. haha. but hey he's quick so there was a lot of talking. i was so tired we just fell asleep and then i woke up again at 5 in the morning and he walks me to my car even though its raining.
and now he calls ALOT! it's nuts how much initiative he has now to give me a ring. i want to call him sometimes but i hold off a little and he ends up calling me. i love it. can't wait for what's more to come.
this heart of mine was broken at 2:04:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, January 07, 2008
when have i had enough?
Dear heart,
there's a weird embalance between the happiness i feel when i am with him and the utter devestation when we are apart. it's not even missing him but his flakiness and unavailability. maybe its the thing that has kept me interested all this time but... now it's come to a point where it hurts sometimes. i don't handle missed calls well.
right now i call him and i guess he was sleeping but he answered anyway. then he said it was ok cuz he had to turn off his dvd player anyway. he told me he was thinking of calling me earlier today. that he argued with himself about it and i guess the part that did not call won. then i asked for his reason why and he said something maybe i was ___ and i couldn't hear. when i asked him to repeat himself, he just hung up. now he's not answering his phone. i don't get it.
i should just end things. he's making me want to revert to the throwing up business. i hate it. it's all i could think of. i'm too f*cking nice to him. i treat him too damn special. he's not worth it. really, no one is. does he even know how lucky he is to have someone like me? i have a good job, a car, going to school, i'm popular with the boys but all i seem to want is him. maybe i make that too obvious and he thinks he can use it against me. well, i'm not going to answer his calls if he doesn't call me back tonight.
there's a weird embalance between the happiness i feel when i am with him and the utter devestation when we are apart. it's not even missing him but his flakiness and unavailability. maybe its the thing that has kept me interested all this time but... now it's come to a point where it hurts sometimes. i don't handle missed calls well.
right now i call him and i guess he was sleeping but he answered anyway. then he said it was ok cuz he had to turn off his dvd player anyway. he told me he was thinking of calling me earlier today. that he argued with himself about it and i guess the part that did not call won. then i asked for his reason why and he said something maybe i was ___ and i couldn't hear. when i asked him to repeat himself, he just hung up. now he's not answering his phone. i don't get it.
i should just end things. he's making me want to revert to the throwing up business. i hate it. it's all i could think of. i'm too f*cking nice to him. i treat him too damn special. he's not worth it. really, no one is. does he even know how lucky he is to have someone like me? i have a good job, a car, going to school, i'm popular with the boys but all i seem to want is him. maybe i make that too obvious and he thinks he can use it against me. well, i'm not going to answer his calls if he doesn't call me back tonight.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:48:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
details
Dear heart,
i've been spening a lot of time with james lately but i never got to go into details of all our encounters.
so monday was when we went to the mall. i think i wrote about that already.
next time i saw him was... well i think i talked to him on wednesday and of course i feel like its the best conversation of my life. i try to get it out of him as to where my party is but he doesn't tell me. he calls me right after i eat with my coworkers and mentions that he might "kill my game" if he goes to my party. i just laugh at him. i think i ask him to do something but i guess he promised brett that he'd go to a ducks game with him. so he calls me randomly telling me that, then again to tell me he just got out of the game, and finally when he got home. this is when he is feeling down about his daughter. he can't believe that i got him to go to the mall with me. i took that as him saying "i like you that much." or maybe he was just sorry for flaking again. when he called me i was debating on whether to get a $1300 computer. he tells me that i shouldn't get it because i might be too busy and have no time for james. haha i thought that was cute. then he mentions about being a loner now and how he hasn't had a new years kiss these past 2 years. i think its been longer than that for me, which makes me even sadder. out of nowheren he mentions that he shouldn't have gone to the hockey game and should have hung out with me instead. he said that he wouldn't be so lonely. before we get off he tells me he wants to do something before saturday.
i text him thursday that i don't have work on friday and suggest either a movie or disneyland. i try calling him and his phone is completely off. i get really annoyed but then he calls me around 10 and tells me he left his phone at home and it wasn't charging. i convince him to watch juno with me and he's a little iffy about it cuz he is against chick flicks. i look up the times and he was going to make himself some food. we have a moment of indecisivenss about who calls who back and for how long. he said he'd call me after he got his sandwich but then changes it to me calling him in 7 minutes when i got the times. of course i wait a little longer. it's cute because before we hung up, he told me he was excited when i picked up the phone. i was so surprised. he was all, "is that ok?" and i thought he said, "is that gay?" and i tell him no. he's like, "no?!" we clarify things and make a date for the next day.
friday he calls me when i'm getting ready for work. he forgot what he was going to tell me. i thought he was going to cancel on our date but he didn't. i told him i had to get ready and that i would call him later. i call him when i got off work but he didn't answer. he finally calls me back when i'm at the store with my mom. i ask him to bring an umbrella because its raining and when he gives me a hard time, i realize i don't want to carry that thing around. so i told him nevermind and he actually thought i was mad at him.
i've been spening a lot of time with james lately but i never got to go into details of all our encounters.
so monday was when we went to the mall. i think i wrote about that already.
next time i saw him was... well i think i talked to him on wednesday and of course i feel like its the best conversation of my life. i try to get it out of him as to where my party is but he doesn't tell me. he calls me right after i eat with my coworkers and mentions that he might "kill my game" if he goes to my party. i just laugh at him. i think i ask him to do something but i guess he promised brett that he'd go to a ducks game with him. so he calls me randomly telling me that, then again to tell me he just got out of the game, and finally when he got home. this is when he is feeling down about his daughter. he can't believe that i got him to go to the mall with me. i took that as him saying "i like you that much." or maybe he was just sorry for flaking again. when he called me i was debating on whether to get a $1300 computer. he tells me that i shouldn't get it because i might be too busy and have no time for james. haha i thought that was cute. then he mentions about being a loner now and how he hasn't had a new years kiss these past 2 years. i think its been longer than that for me, which makes me even sadder. out of nowheren he mentions that he shouldn't have gone to the hockey game and should have hung out with me instead. he said that he wouldn't be so lonely. before we get off he tells me he wants to do something before saturday.
i text him thursday that i don't have work on friday and suggest either a movie or disneyland. i try calling him and his phone is completely off. i get really annoyed but then he calls me around 10 and tells me he left his phone at home and it wasn't charging. i convince him to watch juno with me and he's a little iffy about it cuz he is against chick flicks. i look up the times and he was going to make himself some food. we have a moment of indecisivenss about who calls who back and for how long. he said he'd call me after he got his sandwich but then changes it to me calling him in 7 minutes when i got the times. of course i wait a little longer. it's cute because before we hung up, he told me he was excited when i picked up the phone. i was so surprised. he was all, "is that ok?" and i thought he said, "is that gay?" and i tell him no. he's like, "no?!" we clarify things and make a date for the next day.
friday he calls me when i'm getting ready for work. he forgot what he was going to tell me. i thought he was going to cancel on our date but he didn't. i told him i had to get ready and that i would call him later. i call him when i got off work but he didn't answer. he finally calls me back when i'm at the store with my mom. i ask him to bring an umbrella because its raining and when he gives me a hard time, i realize i don't want to carry that thing around. so i told him nevermind and he actually thought i was mad at him.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:42:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, January 06, 2008
two nights in a row
Dear heart,
i had delicious food
yesterday = pho at pho hoa
today = MEAT at green fields
fantastic people as company
yesterday = james
today = sister; anty, sunny, eddie, dana, mai, rochelle, rhea, mike;anty, james, and brett
planned enjoyment
yesterday = movie (i ♥ juno)
today = eating and singing/drinking/dancing
random enjoyment
yesterday = watching mean girls and wrestling
today = playing scrabble and cards
and staying out till god-forsaken hours... like now.
good night.
i had delicious food
yesterday = pho at pho hoa
today = MEAT at green fields
fantastic people as company
yesterday = james
today = sister; anty, sunny, eddie, dana, mai, rochelle, rhea, mike;anty, james, and brett
planned enjoyment
yesterday = movie (i ♥ juno)
today = eating and singing/drinking/dancing
random enjoyment
yesterday = watching mean girls and wrestling
today = playing scrabble and cards
and staying out till god-forsaken hours... like now.
good night.
this heart of mine was broken at 5:21:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, January 03, 2008
new and improved?
Dear heart,
his daughter has not been calling him lately and for some reason its making him more attentive to me, maybe due to loneliness. he actually told me that he was excited when i picked up the phone. at the time, i didn't know how to react to that. i should have said something cocky like "of COURSE you were excited it was me." but then i just end up saying something like, "well i usually pick up my phone... unless i don't." i am SO lame!
his daughter has not been calling him lately and for some reason its making him more attentive to me, maybe due to loneliness. he actually told me that he was excited when i picked up the phone. at the time, i didn't know how to react to that. i should have said something cocky like "of COURSE you were excited it was me." but then i just end up saying something like, "well i usually pick up my phone... unless i don't." i am SO lame!
this heart of mine was broken at 11:55:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
asking for what you want is the first step to getting what you want
Dear heart,
so sunday james never ends up calling me. anty comes over anyway and we go stalking james and his friends house. haha. then we go to starbucks and borders and just laugh at random crap.
i text james my non-chalant "another time then? =)" like it doesn't bother me that he just flaked on me without calling. anty leaves my room pretty late like at 2:30 and i was tired before then. right when she leaves, i'm all up so i go on the space and actually stay up till 5 in the morning.
for some reason, i start to feel a little bad and i actually had the guts to text him about it. "Sometimes i don't understand you. I think i shake it off all those times because i like you and talking to you or hanging out with you makes me forget things. I wish you'd tell me if things came up. I'm really cool and understanding, if you can't tell already. I can take it if you can't hang out with me. I just wanted to let you know for next time because it hurts when you just leave me hanging. Call me later."
when i was texting that and reading it over, i started to cry. i really liked him but i didn't want to feel that kind of pain anymore just for caring about someone. i didn't care anymore if it made me seem girly or needy, but i had to let him know that crap bothers me.
in the morning he calls me and leaves a message with some excuse i don't believe. i just text him to go to the mall with me and he does come with me. he looked so cute and we were both wearing blue. he helped me pick out my dress and went to every store with and waited as i tried on clothes. he has bad anxiety around crowds. once i accidentally left him trapped behind some people and he told me never to do it again.
it just made me happy. i felt like a couple and i knew he hated the mall because of the crowd but i knew he felt bad. i'm glad we went.
so sunday james never ends up calling me. anty comes over anyway and we go stalking james and his friends house. haha. then we go to starbucks and borders and just laugh at random crap.
i text james my non-chalant "another time then? =)" like it doesn't bother me that he just flaked on me without calling. anty leaves my room pretty late like at 2:30 and i was tired before then. right when she leaves, i'm all up so i go on the space and actually stay up till 5 in the morning.
for some reason, i start to feel a little bad and i actually had the guts to text him about it. "Sometimes i don't understand you. I think i shake it off all those times because i like you and talking to you or hanging out with you makes me forget things. I wish you'd tell me if things came up. I'm really cool and understanding, if you can't tell already. I can take it if you can't hang out with me. I just wanted to let you know for next time because it hurts when you just leave me hanging. Call me later."
when i was texting that and reading it over, i started to cry. i really liked him but i didn't want to feel that kind of pain anymore just for caring about someone. i didn't care anymore if it made me seem girly or needy, but i had to let him know that crap bothers me.
in the morning he calls me and leaves a message with some excuse i don't believe. i just text him to go to the mall with me and he does come with me. he looked so cute and we were both wearing blue. he helped me pick out my dress and went to every store with and waited as i tried on clothes. he has bad anxiety around crowds. once i accidentally left him trapped behind some people and he told me never to do it again.
it just made me happy. i felt like a couple and i knew he hated the mall because of the crowd but i knew he felt bad. i'm glad we went.
this heart of mine was broken at 3:48:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, December 31, 2007
sandy
Dear heart,
so i read a bulletin mickey posted on myspace and there were numerous answers of this person named sandy. so i wrote this:
aww i thought i was your only one. who is this sandy person? i'm cool kissing someone with girl FRIENDS but i'm not ok with kissing someone who's kissing other people. if you wanna be with me, you're with me. if not, have fun with that.
-jo
i waited a little to send the message. mickey calls me and tells me a story about some lesbian friend he has and that he messes with her girlfriend. i'm guessing this is sandy. so i don't send the message. imagine if i did though. haha
so i read a bulletin mickey posted on myspace and there were numerous answers of this person named sandy. so i wrote this:
aww i thought i was your only one. who is this sandy person? i'm cool kissing someone with girl FRIENDS but i'm not ok with kissing someone who's kissing other people. if you wanna be with me, you're with me. if not, have fun with that.
-jo
i waited a little to send the message. mickey calls me and tells me a story about some lesbian friend he has and that he messes with her girlfriend. i'm guessing this is sandy. so i don't send the message. imagine if i did though. haha
this heart of mine was broken at 3:35:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, December 30, 2007
keep it positive
Dear heart,
i was just about to write something negative on you but then james called and my whole day has turned upside down. he didn't call me all yesterday and i invited him out with me and anty. then he called me like around 5 and my mood just elevated to the heavens.
its terrifying to find someone who makes the icky love stuff not feel so lame.
i was just about to write something negative on you but then james called and my whole day has turned upside down. he didn't call me all yesterday and i invited him out with me and anty. then he called me like around 5 and my mood just elevated to the heavens.
its terrifying to find someone who makes the icky love stuff not feel so lame.
this heart of mine was broken at 4:53:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, December 29, 2007
still the one
Dear heart,
i didn't even tell you that last sunday (dec. 23) i went to james' house so finish watching spy game. couldn't really accomplish that because we kept randomly making out through the movie. the best thing was when i got there. he had strawberry milk ready for me when i got there. very thoughtful. i love it.
anyway, james asked me to hang out today... but with his friends! this might not sound like a major crisis but i recentle met some guy who works at the mall and he left me a hickey. yes a damn hickey on my neck. i thought it was hot but i never expected to see james tonight. i was tripping out! omg! what was i going to tell him if he sees it? i got suggestions like rubbing a penny or a silver spoon on it or something. i just ended up putting make up on it and hoping he won't notice. but i did kinda want him to notice. maybe it can wake him to the reality of our status. does he want to be exclusive or are we still allowed to have free-for-alls?
so i got there and seriously his friend brett is so awesome. he works with special ed kids, nice apartment, nice room, season tickets to the ducks, good taste in movies, etc. i got along with him really well. i even taught him how to make rice. they were all happy when the rice was cooked. it was so adorable. i had a ton of fun. we watched dexter and some episodes from the office.
he introduced me to the FRIENDS!!!! that's a step. in a way, we're moving forward. i'm quite content with everything thats going on with james. i know there are other distractions here and there but once/if we get together, i am completely his. that is who i want to be with. that is who i have feelings for. that is who i feel i can fit into his life and friends and circle. that is who i know can make me happy and i will do my best to make them equally so.
i was randomly thirsty and he walked with me to the 24 hour ralphs in huntington and bought me a whole orange peach mango juice. i didn't even want him to pay for it. when i said "it's ok" like he didn't have to by it, he looked at me like i was crazy. one of the things i love about that guy. he pays for things, i get along with his friends who are not jerks or immature, we can talk to each other, the way he kisses me or holds me sends me to the moon. it would be so tragic if all this i feel is not equally matched by him. its a common mistake for people to assume their feelings on other people. i know a lot of guys who like me "a lot" and probably think i feel the same way when honestly, everyone else is nothing. i will drop them in a heartbeat for james. seriously.
what did i learn from this hickey scare? make up is a good cover for it and it won't rub off, like i had initially feared. the end.
i didn't even tell you that last sunday (dec. 23) i went to james' house so finish watching spy game. couldn't really accomplish that because we kept randomly making out through the movie. the best thing was when i got there. he had strawberry milk ready for me when i got there. very thoughtful. i love it.
anyway, james asked me to hang out today... but with his friends! this might not sound like a major crisis but i recentle met some guy who works at the mall and he left me a hickey. yes a damn hickey on my neck. i thought it was hot but i never expected to see james tonight. i was tripping out! omg! what was i going to tell him if he sees it? i got suggestions like rubbing a penny or a silver spoon on it or something. i just ended up putting make up on it and hoping he won't notice. but i did kinda want him to notice. maybe it can wake him to the reality of our status. does he want to be exclusive or are we still allowed to have free-for-alls?
so i got there and seriously his friend brett is so awesome. he works with special ed kids, nice apartment, nice room, season tickets to the ducks, good taste in movies, etc. i got along with him really well. i even taught him how to make rice. they were all happy when the rice was cooked. it was so adorable. i had a ton of fun. we watched dexter and some episodes from the office.
he introduced me to the FRIENDS!!!! that's a step. in a way, we're moving forward. i'm quite content with everything thats going on with james. i know there are other distractions here and there but once/if we get together, i am completely his. that is who i want to be with. that is who i have feelings for. that is who i feel i can fit into his life and friends and circle. that is who i know can make me happy and i will do my best to make them equally so.
i was randomly thirsty and he walked with me to the 24 hour ralphs in huntington and bought me a whole orange peach mango juice. i didn't even want him to pay for it. when i said "it's ok" like he didn't have to by it, he looked at me like i was crazy. one of the things i love about that guy. he pays for things, i get along with his friends who are not jerks or immature, we can talk to each other, the way he kisses me or holds me sends me to the moon. it would be so tragic if all this i feel is not equally matched by him. its a common mistake for people to assume their feelings on other people. i know a lot of guys who like me "a lot" and probably think i feel the same way when honestly, everyone else is nothing. i will drop them in a heartbeat for james. seriously.
what did i learn from this hickey scare? make up is a good cover for it and it won't rub off, like i had initially feared. the end.
this heart of mine was broken at 3:53:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, December 13, 2007
i'm probably not a good idea
Dear heart,
i don't even know why i flirt with these random people because i know i will get bored with them and hurt them somehow by discarding them once i am done with them.
i don't even know why i flirt with these random people because i know i will get bored with them and hurt them somehow by discarding them once i am done with them.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:28:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, November 30, 2007
how it should be
Dear heart,
so i just came back from my date with james. we went to eat pho. he got a call from his daughter and i just adore how he talks to her. he was saying something about her being his baby, calling her beautiful, and telling her he loved her like a bajillion times. it was very endearing. he even apologized and to not get jealous, and then going back and correcting himself that i should be jealous. i just laughed at him.
then we left and i drove to the block. for some reason my mind was stuck on taking the 91 and not really listening to him when he told me to take the 22. i guess he was having a hard time holding his tongue and saying something about women drivers.
we watched hitman and LOVED it! it was almost like a first date. first we were barely toughing, then our elbows touching, then finally his hand on my leg and then the holding hands. outside i snuggled into him as we talked non-stop about things i can't even recall now. i just laugh laugh laugh with him though. that's why i love spending time with him so much.
we got to his place but stopped at the liquor store first. he bought me chocolate milk which always merits bonus points. we were in his room and watched a very terrible johnny depp movie. after he puts on another movie that actually interested me. unfortunately it was already 3 in the morning. as we watched the videos, we randomly kissed but i wasn't into getting it on. i just enjoyed kissing him and continued watching the movie.
then the mood killer: we hear a noise in the bathroom and he asked me if i remembered when his mom fell in the bathroom cuz her feet are broken. she BARELY broke her feet like last week and i haven't been there since so... yeah. wrong person, buddy! was he really having some other chick lay on his california king bed with him watching movies? i was just ready to leave. he walked me to my car and we kissed goodbye.
i hate that we have fun and i feel something for him yet all these fine details that serve as warning signs to this guy. ugh! it's frustrating!
either way, i enjoyed myself on our date. i didn't spend a penny and i wasn't pressured to do anything i didn't want to do at all. that's how my dates should be. then why can't he be the guy he should be? i miss having someone to love and don't tell james but i kinda want that to be him... oh well. so much for wishful thinking.
so i just came back from my date with james. we went to eat pho. he got a call from his daughter and i just adore how he talks to her. he was saying something about her being his baby, calling her beautiful, and telling her he loved her like a bajillion times. it was very endearing. he even apologized and to not get jealous, and then going back and correcting himself that i should be jealous. i just laughed at him.
then we left and i drove to the block. for some reason my mind was stuck on taking the 91 and not really listening to him when he told me to take the 22. i guess he was having a hard time holding his tongue and saying something about women drivers.
we watched hitman and LOVED it! it was almost like a first date. first we were barely toughing, then our elbows touching, then finally his hand on my leg and then the holding hands. outside i snuggled into him as we talked non-stop about things i can't even recall now. i just laugh laugh laugh with him though. that's why i love spending time with him so much.
we got to his place but stopped at the liquor store first. he bought me chocolate milk which always merits bonus points. we were in his room and watched a very terrible johnny depp movie. after he puts on another movie that actually interested me. unfortunately it was already 3 in the morning. as we watched the videos, we randomly kissed but i wasn't into getting it on. i just enjoyed kissing him and continued watching the movie.
then the mood killer: we hear a noise in the bathroom and he asked me if i remembered when his mom fell in the bathroom cuz her feet are broken. she BARELY broke her feet like last week and i haven't been there since so... yeah. wrong person, buddy! was he really having some other chick lay on his california king bed with him watching movies? i was just ready to leave. he walked me to my car and we kissed goodbye.
i hate that we have fun and i feel something for him yet all these fine details that serve as warning signs to this guy. ugh! it's frustrating!
either way, i enjoyed myself on our date. i didn't spend a penny and i wasn't pressured to do anything i didn't want to do at all. that's how my dates should be. then why can't he be the guy he should be? i miss having someone to love and don't tell james but i kinda want that to be him... oh well. so much for wishful thinking.
this heart of mine was broken at 3:57:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, November 29, 2007
still james
Dear heart,
i remember why i'd chose james over anyone any day. because he's effin hilarious and i seriously cannot stop laughing when i talk to him. i have fun and he stimulates me mentally and emotionally.
vlad said he'd call me after work and he hasn't. and i'm not even bothered by it because i just spent an hour and 39 minutes talking to the one i actually have feelings for.
tomorrow is our date. we're gonna eat pho and watch hitman. heck yes! i'm so damn excited!
i remember why i'd chose james over anyone any day. because he's effin hilarious and i seriously cannot stop laughing when i talk to him. i have fun and he stimulates me mentally and emotionally.
vlad said he'd call me after work and he hasn't. and i'm not even bothered by it because i just spent an hour and 39 minutes talking to the one i actually have feelings for.
tomorrow is our date. we're gonna eat pho and watch hitman. heck yes! i'm so damn excited!
this heart of mine was broken at 1:43:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
because i can't control how i feel
Dear heart,
i hate that vladimir is so attentive and yet i feel nothing for him. no butterflies, no excited feelings- NOTHING! don't get me wrong, the sex is fantastic! WAAAAY better than anyone in a long time. but then it's just that. we talk and i don't really care about our conversation. i am not stimulated mentally or emotionally. and he's smart. he likes movies that make you think. he's a lot like me in so many ways like pretending to sleep to avoid a question, little sayings that i thought were only popular via my mouth. he also loves to hold me and kiss me and caress me and hold my hand in the car. those are usually big plusses.
but all that doesn't matter i guess because james calls and my heart races. we hang up and i'm left with a smile on my face. james has been a bit flakey lately and i really haven't seen him since my last post about seeing him. but i talked to him yesterday and he told me about all these job interviews and the fact he has to care for his grandma and his mom who broke her foot. when i talk to james, things just flow. i don't even feel the time pass and i'm not concentrating on thinking about the next question to keep it going.
maybe i feel that way towards vladimir because i've emotionally set up defenses against him because his actions are pointed towards the homosexual bracket. or amybe its that he is hispanic and i'm always more susceptible to the white guy. they are basically the same person. they both have very fit bodies, VERY active, are quick to fight, and they both used to have trucks but is currently not driving right now. only difference is james is a pothead and an alcoholic dad who pays for everything and vladimir is a broke mexican with homosexcual tendencies who wears briefs and speedos. i need to stop faking relationships with these pointless guys. when i clearly assess the situation, i don't see myself with either of them. moreso james because he is prettier. but i don't think he feels anything for me.
i don't like feelings. i'm so over it. too complicated!
i hate that vladimir is so attentive and yet i feel nothing for him. no butterflies, no excited feelings- NOTHING! don't get me wrong, the sex is fantastic! WAAAAY better than anyone in a long time. but then it's just that. we talk and i don't really care about our conversation. i am not stimulated mentally or emotionally. and he's smart. he likes movies that make you think. he's a lot like me in so many ways like pretending to sleep to avoid a question, little sayings that i thought were only popular via my mouth. he also loves to hold me and kiss me and caress me and hold my hand in the car. those are usually big plusses.
but all that doesn't matter i guess because james calls and my heart races. we hang up and i'm left with a smile on my face. james has been a bit flakey lately and i really haven't seen him since my last post about seeing him. but i talked to him yesterday and he told me about all these job interviews and the fact he has to care for his grandma and his mom who broke her foot. when i talk to james, things just flow. i don't even feel the time pass and i'm not concentrating on thinking about the next question to keep it going.
maybe i feel that way towards vladimir because i've emotionally set up defenses against him because his actions are pointed towards the homosexual bracket. or amybe its that he is hispanic and i'm always more susceptible to the white guy. they are basically the same person. they both have very fit bodies, VERY active, are quick to fight, and they both used to have trucks but is currently not driving right now. only difference is james is a pothead and an alcoholic dad who pays for everything and vladimir is a broke mexican with homosexcual tendencies who wears briefs and speedos. i need to stop faking relationships with these pointless guys. when i clearly assess the situation, i don't see myself with either of them. moreso james because he is prettier. but i don't think he feels anything for me.
i don't like feelings. i'm so over it. too complicated!
this heart of mine was broken at 10:31:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, November 25, 2007
vladimir
Dear heart,
I don't anything about you except your name, your occupation, our mutual friends, and where you live.
I don't know you favorite song or what kind of songs you like except for that Flogging Molly cd you were playing in your room. I don’t know what movies interest you but I only know of certain movies that you own because you had them readily strewn about on your bedroom floor. I also figured out that you like tomatoes but you don’t eat pork. I just have no clue as to what is your favorite food or what dish makes you gag at the sound or smell of it. I don’t know your stands on abortion or immigration but I know that you don't mind kissing me when I have onion breath or having me under your arm all night long. From what I can tell, you like to cuddle and kiss me as often as you can. I just don’t know if it’s just me or if you do that to all the girls. I don’t know your secrets or your insecurities but I know you have rough hands that your embarrassed of. Just to let you know, I love how they feel against my tender face or my soft skin because they remind me of how tough you are and how you don’t take crap from anyone.
I don’t even know what you’re doing half the time or what you’re thinking when you sit there quietly, but I know that you like to check in with me to tell me what you’re doing and you always seem to call right when I start to think of you. I also know that when I miss your call, you like to leave me messages even if it’s just calling to say hello. I don’t know what childhood story goes with each scar on your body but I know how soft your body is against mine and how rough you can handle me but in the way that rocks my world. I don’t know how many girls you’ve melted with your kiss but I know how you can kiss with your whole tongue in my mouth which is when I pull away, but you draw me back in with those lips...
I don't know what you've been through in your past or what kind of girls you fall for but I know that you love carrying me everywhere with my legs wrapped around your waist while making out with me. I don't know if you'd treat me right or if you'd end up being someone I’d want to forget but I know you're not embarrassed to talk about me to your friends or tell people that you are with me doing something as if they already knew who I was. I don't know if you'd lie to me but I do know that you lied about your car being stolen because you're too embarrassed to admit that you crashed it and did a hit and run while you were drunk. I don’t know how many girls have felt you inside of them but I know you like to shower after we make passionate love to each other.
But I don't even know if you are straight or a closet homosexual because I can't understand how a straight man can know everyone at a gay bar and dance with gay men in his underwear. I also know if a guy even hints at that idea, they would be bloody mess in a minute. I don’t know how long this not knowing will go on but I do know that I will stick around even if your relatives ask me prying questions that I secretly love answering. I’m still hoping that one day when they ask, I can say, “Yes, I’m his girlfriend.”
I don't anything about you except your name, your occupation, our mutual friends, and where you live.
I don't know you favorite song or what kind of songs you like except for that Flogging Molly cd you were playing in your room. I don’t know what movies interest you but I only know of certain movies that you own because you had them readily strewn about on your bedroom floor. I also figured out that you like tomatoes but you don’t eat pork. I just have no clue as to what is your favorite food or what dish makes you gag at the sound or smell of it. I don’t know your stands on abortion or immigration but I know that you don't mind kissing me when I have onion breath or having me under your arm all night long. From what I can tell, you like to cuddle and kiss me as often as you can. I just don’t know if it’s just me or if you do that to all the girls. I don’t know your secrets or your insecurities but I know you have rough hands that your embarrassed of. Just to let you know, I love how they feel against my tender face or my soft skin because they remind me of how tough you are and how you don’t take crap from anyone.
I don’t even know what you’re doing half the time or what you’re thinking when you sit there quietly, but I know that you like to check in with me to tell me what you’re doing and you always seem to call right when I start to think of you. I also know that when I miss your call, you like to leave me messages even if it’s just calling to say hello. I don’t know what childhood story goes with each scar on your body but I know how soft your body is against mine and how rough you can handle me but in the way that rocks my world. I don’t know how many girls you’ve melted with your kiss but I know how you can kiss with your whole tongue in my mouth which is when I pull away, but you draw me back in with those lips...
I don't know what you've been through in your past or what kind of girls you fall for but I know that you love carrying me everywhere with my legs wrapped around your waist while making out with me. I don't know if you'd treat me right or if you'd end up being someone I’d want to forget but I know you're not embarrassed to talk about me to your friends or tell people that you are with me doing something as if they already knew who I was. I don't know if you'd lie to me but I do know that you lied about your car being stolen because you're too embarrassed to admit that you crashed it and did a hit and run while you were drunk. I don’t know how many girls have felt you inside of them but I know you like to shower after we make passionate love to each other.
But I don't even know if you are straight or a closet homosexual because I can't understand how a straight man can know everyone at a gay bar and dance with gay men in his underwear. I also know if a guy even hints at that idea, they would be bloody mess in a minute. I don’t know how long this not knowing will go on but I do know that I will stick around even if your relatives ask me prying questions that I secretly love answering. I’m still hoping that one day when they ask, I can say, “Yes, I’m his girlfriend.”
this heart of mine was broken at 5:25:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, November 15, 2007
slowly but surely
Dear heart,
i know its late and i should be asleep but i just came from james' house and i wanted to write about it.
today was a really bad day at work. i seriously just wanted to walk out of there and quit. i texted people on advice and james actually knew what to say. he said to be strong and to not get mad cuz it'll just ruin my day. he told me to just look forward to milk which he meant the strawberry milk he bought for me at his house. it made me smile. the other advice that made me smile was from vee where he said "you can't quit the Y. you ARE the Y!" i liked that.
anyway, after work i came home and vented to my mom a bit. then i drove to his house with some videos. since he was having a terrible day too due to baby momma drama, i brought him a piece of cake from home and this "shit list" thing where you write people's offenses. we watch movies and he says almost akwardly that it was nice to see me and that i look good. i was a bit taken back because it came from nowhere. he actually gets a text from stacy and he had to go call her back. i guess she doesn't pick up and he tries to explain things to me but i don't really wanna hear it. i don't think i can be too supportive of the baby momma thing. my brain just seems to check out when he mentions her. but he explains that she texted him something about the daughter not being important and then when he tried calling her, the phone was off. he left a message and we continued watching. we start to get a bit closer and i guess she calls him back. i ask him if he needed to get that and he says something like getting a taste of her own medicine.
we start kissing and i'm barely getting off my rag so i was worried about bleeding. i check in the bathroom and nothing. we do it and there's blood. he mentions it and when i start to apologize he tells me not to worry about it. that was 11. we basically sit and talk in his room until 2. he starts to feel nauseaus. i felt bad for him. eventually i start to get my stuff together and he puts his shirt on. he walks me out and mentions about the last time he had avery, hence when he "went to jail." i figured he spent it with avery's mom but i guess he did hang with his daughter.
maybe he lied because he didn't have money for pho or he was still in that area that he didn't know how to tell me he couldn't go. it's messed up but i do it too. i know how intimidating telling someone "i can't go after all" can be. then each day that passed just made it worse that he had to come up with some elaborate story, like i usually do, to excuse himself. it's wrong to lie and i'm sure he lies about random crap but then so do i. i guess i'm slowly piecing this puzzle together as to why i should or should not hate him.
i know its late and i should be asleep but i just came from james' house and i wanted to write about it.
today was a really bad day at work. i seriously just wanted to walk out of there and quit. i texted people on advice and james actually knew what to say. he said to be strong and to not get mad cuz it'll just ruin my day. he told me to just look forward to milk which he meant the strawberry milk he bought for me at his house. it made me smile. the other advice that made me smile was from vee where he said "you can't quit the Y. you ARE the Y!" i liked that.
anyway, after work i came home and vented to my mom a bit. then i drove to his house with some videos. since he was having a terrible day too due to baby momma drama, i brought him a piece of cake from home and this "shit list" thing where you write people's offenses. we watch movies and he says almost akwardly that it was nice to see me and that i look good. i was a bit taken back because it came from nowhere. he actually gets a text from stacy and he had to go call her back. i guess she doesn't pick up and he tries to explain things to me but i don't really wanna hear it. i don't think i can be too supportive of the baby momma thing. my brain just seems to check out when he mentions her. but he explains that she texted him something about the daughter not being important and then when he tried calling her, the phone was off. he left a message and we continued watching. we start to get a bit closer and i guess she calls him back. i ask him if he needed to get that and he says something like getting a taste of her own medicine.
we start kissing and i'm barely getting off my rag so i was worried about bleeding. i check in the bathroom and nothing. we do it and there's blood. he mentions it and when i start to apologize he tells me not to worry about it. that was 11. we basically sit and talk in his room until 2. he starts to feel nauseaus. i felt bad for him. eventually i start to get my stuff together and he puts his shirt on. he walks me out and mentions about the last time he had avery, hence when he "went to jail." i figured he spent it with avery's mom but i guess he did hang with his daughter.
maybe he lied because he didn't have money for pho or he was still in that area that he didn't know how to tell me he couldn't go. it's messed up but i do it too. i know how intimidating telling someone "i can't go after all" can be. then each day that passed just made it worse that he had to come up with some elaborate story, like i usually do, to excuse himself. it's wrong to lie and i'm sure he lies about random crap but then so do i. i guess i'm slowly piecing this puzzle together as to why i should or should not hate him.
this heart of mine was broken at 2:41:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, November 10, 2007
i know
Dear heart,
guilty. that's exactly what i am. last night i went to james' house to watch some videos and actually finish up my homework for today. we watched talladega nights which had its moments but i would not consider it a really funny movie. by the end of that, i finished my project. i think he really kinda ruined the movie but unintentionally. he'd start reciting some lines that haven't come yet and i get distracted then they say it and he starts laughing while i just sit there confused. i think he was trying real hard to get some of my attention. i know that about him that he is attention whore like me. he would watch what i was doing very closely so i'd notice him watching me. or he'd stare for a long time until i looked at him. sometimes he would even lean back on me and i'd hug him but then get back to my work and he'd try leaning again. boys are seriously like children.
anyway, he could tell i wasn't as amused as he'd hoped but gave me credit for sitting through it. this is random but he bought me strawberry milk and i think it really helped to keep my spirits up throughout that movie. then i put in arrested development and i don't think he was that amused with it either. i think he was more interested in the fact that i found certain parts funny and he saw it as an opportunity to look into what kind of person i am or something.
he randomly mentions that his sister is having a birthday thing that he was invited to but that she invited stacy, avery's mom, too. he was saying how he wouldn't go and that his sister likes to start drama. i was kind of nonchalant about it but only because it made me go back to our initial problem. now i know that he lied but WHY did he lie? what would compel him to make up such an ellaborate story? what is he trying to cover up? but of course, my short attention span quickly moves on to the movie. i tell him i'm cold and he offered socks or a blanket. i took the blanket. he was holding me in bed and when the first episode ended, we just started kissing. then he excused himself to the bathroom and when he came back i had the next episode playing. it's like the first moment our lips touch before making out, i get chills. even if there was just a not-even 5 minute pause between kissing, when we kissed again my stomach had butterflies. i hate that. i can tell myself all i want that i will not fall into this guy, that i can just make him one of my disposable guys- but then he proves me a liar when he kisses me.
we have sex and he is SO strong- i love it! we're breathless and he is kissing my face and shoulders and i just breathe and look away. we put clothes on and he points out that he really likes my underwear. which reminds me i need to buy new ones cuz all of my collection has some hints of period. haha
anyway we decide to go to del taco afterwards and then i tell him i can't go back inside because it's almost 3 in the morning and i have to be at school at 8:30 in the morning. we kiss goodbye and for some reason, kissing him seems to really work for me. it makes me want to sing and curse at the same time. i smile when he leaves and the moment he closes the door, i say "f*ck! dammit!"
i can just hear the judgement from other people when i tell them what i've done and been doing. i know this because i judge me too. a part of me thinks i'm an insane moron who has very selective memory while another part is just bored and lonely who is willing to explore certain feelings.
anyway the title of this post is from a fiona apple song:
So be it, I’m your crowbar
if that’s what I am so far
until you get out of this mess.
And I will pretend
that I don’t know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I’ll know, I’ll know
And you can use my skin
to bury secrets in
and I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
while I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
I’ll know, I’ll know
Baby,I can’t help you out while she’s still around
So for the time being, I’m being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you’ll just consider this
even if it don’t make sense all the time-
give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
and you’ve early closed your curtains,
I’ll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
and pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It’s ok, don’t need to say it
... and that includes my insanity and bad decisions. to all the warnings against my behavior- i know! =P
guilty. that's exactly what i am. last night i went to james' house to watch some videos and actually finish up my homework for today. we watched talladega nights which had its moments but i would not consider it a really funny movie. by the end of that, i finished my project. i think he really kinda ruined the movie but unintentionally. he'd start reciting some lines that haven't come yet and i get distracted then they say it and he starts laughing while i just sit there confused. i think he was trying real hard to get some of my attention. i know that about him that he is attention whore like me. he would watch what i was doing very closely so i'd notice him watching me. or he'd stare for a long time until i looked at him. sometimes he would even lean back on me and i'd hug him but then get back to my work and he'd try leaning again. boys are seriously like children.
anyway, he could tell i wasn't as amused as he'd hoped but gave me credit for sitting through it. this is random but he bought me strawberry milk and i think it really helped to keep my spirits up throughout that movie. then i put in arrested development and i don't think he was that amused with it either. i think he was more interested in the fact that i found certain parts funny and he saw it as an opportunity to look into what kind of person i am or something.
he randomly mentions that his sister is having a birthday thing that he was invited to but that she invited stacy, avery's mom, too. he was saying how he wouldn't go and that his sister likes to start drama. i was kind of nonchalant about it but only because it made me go back to our initial problem. now i know that he lied but WHY did he lie? what would compel him to make up such an ellaborate story? what is he trying to cover up? but of course, my short attention span quickly moves on to the movie. i tell him i'm cold and he offered socks or a blanket. i took the blanket. he was holding me in bed and when the first episode ended, we just started kissing. then he excused himself to the bathroom and when he came back i had the next episode playing. it's like the first moment our lips touch before making out, i get chills. even if there was just a not-even 5 minute pause between kissing, when we kissed again my stomach had butterflies. i hate that. i can tell myself all i want that i will not fall into this guy, that i can just make him one of my disposable guys- but then he proves me a liar when he kisses me.
we have sex and he is SO strong- i love it! we're breathless and he is kissing my face and shoulders and i just breathe and look away. we put clothes on and he points out that he really likes my underwear. which reminds me i need to buy new ones cuz all of my collection has some hints of period. haha
anyway we decide to go to del taco afterwards and then i tell him i can't go back inside because it's almost 3 in the morning and i have to be at school at 8:30 in the morning. we kiss goodbye and for some reason, kissing him seems to really work for me. it makes me want to sing and curse at the same time. i smile when he leaves and the moment he closes the door, i say "f*ck! dammit!"
i can just hear the judgement from other people when i tell them what i've done and been doing. i know this because i judge me too. a part of me thinks i'm an insane moron who has very selective memory while another part is just bored and lonely who is willing to explore certain feelings.
anyway the title of this post is from a fiona apple song:
So be it, I’m your crowbar
if that’s what I am so far
until you get out of this mess.
And I will pretend
that I don’t know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I’ll know, I’ll know
And you can use my skin
to bury secrets in
and I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
while I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
I’ll know, I’ll know
Baby,I can’t help you out while she’s still around
So for the time being, I’m being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you’ll just consider this
even if it don’t make sense all the time-
give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
and you’ve early closed your curtains,
I’ll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
and pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It’s ok, don’t need to say it
... and that includes my insanity and bad decisions. to all the warnings against my behavior- i know! =P
this heart of mine was broken at 12:31:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, November 09, 2007
denial is not just some river in egypt
Dear heart,
i've been taking off work lately just because i've been lacking some motivation, i guess. like they say- idle hands are the devil's playground and i guess that goes for idle time too. maybe it was driving me nuts that i got absolutely no reaction from him regarding his exposed lie. i hated to think that when i hung up on him mid-sentence was going to be the last time i talk to him.
so i'm driving to the library after i had just decided to skip work yet again and i thought of having pho. i text him: it's cold. wanna get some pho? i don't work today. i'm not really expecting a response but as i was checking out my books i saw i had a missed call from him. i call him back right away and it felt like i just met him with how we were gretting each other. i tell him i'd call him later since i was in the library.
i watch 2 movies with my sister: bee movie and 30 days of night. after i do a little homework and then james calls me telling me he just got out of school. he asked if it was too late and i didn't think it was. so i'm driving over there and for a minute i start to feel really paranoid. what if he has ill feelings towards me? what if he plans to either kidnap me, rob me, beat me up, or damage my car in some way? i call brenda and make sure she knows where he lives and where to find me if i turn up missing. so he gets in the car and he mentions about "let's take a look at that new hair." and for some reason i thought he meant his haircut, which is not as cute as before btw.
we go to the pho place and it's as if nothing has happened. he doesn't bring up anything uncomfortable and although the thought of his lies constantly run through my head, i don't mention it either. he pays and i know he's broke but i really don't care for once. when we get back to his house, i stop at where i picked him up. he looked kind of uncomfortable/disappointed/confused and said he had fun. then he suggested that i could come inside if i wanted to. it was early and i didn't really feel like calling it a night yet. it was only 10.
i'm really cold walking to his apartment. he brings me closer and i'm tucked under his arm as he rubs my exposed arm. i feel almost guilty like i just betrayed myself. it's funny though because i really felt like i distance myself enough from him to have any faith in him as a human being or hopes for us in a relationship.
so we're talking about god-knows-what in his room. i don't know exactly how i let it happen but i do remember the moment it did. we were talking and then he just dropped the hand that was supporting him and just leaned towards me. dammit! our lips met and seriously he is not the best kisser. anthony is better. chase is better. a lot of people are way better. but for some reason i get that stupid knot in my stomach. i could hear myself scream "don't" in my head. i hated how a kiss could make you a liar to yourself. so i do feel something for this liar, not that he'll ever know it.
after, it was 12 already and my dad calls me. he doesn't sound angry so i don't feel rushed to get home. we end up playing hot hands and wrestling. then we're laying down talking quietly and i'm afraid i might fall asleep so i just get up and start getting my stuff together. he starts putting his stuff on and walks me to my car. i keep a safe distance to avoid holding his hand or walking with his arms around me. i just hug him good bye and get into my car. i couldn't read the expression in his face because i just close my door and say "bye!" nonchalantly.
i seriously can't believe we went through the entire night not mentioning the pink elephant in the middle of the room.
i've been taking off work lately just because i've been lacking some motivation, i guess. like they say- idle hands are the devil's playground and i guess that goes for idle time too. maybe it was driving me nuts that i got absolutely no reaction from him regarding his exposed lie. i hated to think that when i hung up on him mid-sentence was going to be the last time i talk to him.
so i'm driving to the library after i had just decided to skip work yet again and i thought of having pho. i text him: it's cold. wanna get some pho? i don't work today. i'm not really expecting a response but as i was checking out my books i saw i had a missed call from him. i call him back right away and it felt like i just met him with how we were gretting each other. i tell him i'd call him later since i was in the library.
i watch 2 movies with my sister: bee movie and 30 days of night. after i do a little homework and then james calls me telling me he just got out of school. he asked if it was too late and i didn't think it was. so i'm driving over there and for a minute i start to feel really paranoid. what if he has ill feelings towards me? what if he plans to either kidnap me, rob me, beat me up, or damage my car in some way? i call brenda and make sure she knows where he lives and where to find me if i turn up missing. so he gets in the car and he mentions about "let's take a look at that new hair." and for some reason i thought he meant his haircut, which is not as cute as before btw.
we go to the pho place and it's as if nothing has happened. he doesn't bring up anything uncomfortable and although the thought of his lies constantly run through my head, i don't mention it either. he pays and i know he's broke but i really don't care for once. when we get back to his house, i stop at where i picked him up. he looked kind of uncomfortable/disappointed/confused and said he had fun. then he suggested that i could come inside if i wanted to. it was early and i didn't really feel like calling it a night yet. it was only 10.
i'm really cold walking to his apartment. he brings me closer and i'm tucked under his arm as he rubs my exposed arm. i feel almost guilty like i just betrayed myself. it's funny though because i really felt like i distance myself enough from him to have any faith in him as a human being or hopes for us in a relationship.
so we're talking about god-knows-what in his room. i don't know exactly how i let it happen but i do remember the moment it did. we were talking and then he just dropped the hand that was supporting him and just leaned towards me. dammit! our lips met and seriously he is not the best kisser. anthony is better. chase is better. a lot of people are way better. but for some reason i get that stupid knot in my stomach. i could hear myself scream "don't" in my head. i hated how a kiss could make you a liar to yourself. so i do feel something for this liar, not that he'll ever know it.
after, it was 12 already and my dad calls me. he doesn't sound angry so i don't feel rushed to get home. we end up playing hot hands and wrestling. then we're laying down talking quietly and i'm afraid i might fall asleep so i just get up and start getting my stuff together. he starts putting his stuff on and walks me to my car. i keep a safe distance to avoid holding his hand or walking with his arms around me. i just hug him good bye and get into my car. i couldn't read the expression in his face because i just close my door and say "bye!" nonchalantly.
i seriously can't believe we went through the entire night not mentioning the pink elephant in the middle of the room.
this heart of mine was broken at 1:14:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
empty
Dear heart,
the worse part about purging someone out of your life is the need to go back in order to erase. i was deleting pictures of him on my phone and each one it reminded me of when i didn't know any better, when i actually had hope that there were decent human beings you can meet at a bar.
i don't know why people ruin it for themselves. we had so much fun. and i was seriously non-psycho enough for him where i think i could have put up with a lot. i'm understanding, he just had to give me the opportunity to understand.
on my phone, i usually keep all his missed and received calls and all the calls i've made to him. i delete everyone else i call just so i don't hafto go down such a long list. anyway, i put DELETE ALL and of course it asks me if i REALLY want to do that. i start thinking to myself, do i? although i know i made the right decision, i second guess just seeing him one more time or even playing along for a little while to catch him in a lie. i guess that would just lead to more trouble. i seem to get caught up in pointless agendas because of my boredom. i find my boredom quite dangerous actually. anyway, so i finally press YES i want to delete all... and the saddest thing happened: the word EMPTY popped up with a warning exclamation sign... it really made me think.
the worse part about purging someone out of your life is the need to go back in order to erase. i was deleting pictures of him on my phone and each one it reminded me of when i didn't know any better, when i actually had hope that there were decent human beings you can meet at a bar.
i don't know why people ruin it for themselves. we had so much fun. and i was seriously non-psycho enough for him where i think i could have put up with a lot. i'm understanding, he just had to give me the opportunity to understand.
on my phone, i usually keep all his missed and received calls and all the calls i've made to him. i delete everyone else i call just so i don't hafto go down such a long list. anyway, i put DELETE ALL and of course it asks me if i REALLY want to do that. i start thinking to myself, do i? although i know i made the right decision, i second guess just seeing him one more time or even playing along for a little while to catch him in a lie. i guess that would just lead to more trouble. i seem to get caught up in pointless agendas because of my boredom. i find my boredom quite dangerous actually. anyway, so i finally press YES i want to delete all... and the saddest thing happened: the word EMPTY popped up with a warning exclamation sign... it really made me think.
this heart of mine was broken at 9:41:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
that's all folks!
Dear heart,
now i have solid proof that he lied to me about the jail thing. i caught him slip up about watching the football game SATURDAY night when he was supposed to be in jail until his release at "6:00 am sunday."
anyway, i'm talking to him and i get caught up in conversation that i feel like i'm almost allowing his lie to be ok. so i freak out and i just hang up! yes, HANG UP while he is in the middle of a sentence about something i didn't care about. i just couldn't stand bearing one more minute of the lie... the whole thing was a goddamn lie!
then i text him with: "If you were in jail, how did you watch that college football game saturday night? Were you really in jail or just busy? I liked you because you were honest from the beginning. I didn't think to doubt you until i caught the discrepancy."
and he hasn't called or responded to it at all. i called- no answer. so i guess that's it. hah! what a relief and disappointment!
now i have solid proof that he lied to me about the jail thing. i caught him slip up about watching the football game SATURDAY night when he was supposed to be in jail until his release at "6:00 am sunday."
anyway, i'm talking to him and i get caught up in conversation that i feel like i'm almost allowing his lie to be ok. so i freak out and i just hang up! yes, HANG UP while he is in the middle of a sentence about something i didn't care about. i just couldn't stand bearing one more minute of the lie... the whole thing was a goddamn lie!
then i text him with: "If you were in jail, how did you watch that college football game saturday night? Were you really in jail or just busy? I liked you because you were honest from the beginning. I didn't think to doubt you until i caught the discrepancy."
and he hasn't called or responded to it at all. i called- no answer. so i guess that's it. hah! what a relief and disappointment!
this heart of mine was broken at 12:06:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, November 04, 2007
jail is a fleeting illusion... he's just not that into you!
Dear heart,
james finally calls me today where his excuse for his absence was that he was taken to jail on his supsended license charge. initially i was excited about the whole possibility of jail and him not actually ignoring me. but he was. he didn't "get locked up" until thursday. how utterly convenient! i now think that my midnight call last night gave him the courage to make up a lie and call me again. maybe before that when i stopped calling him on thursday, he might have given up assuming i would never talk to him again if he came up with any story. me calling last night when in lee's backseat while he was at the liquor store (i will hafto tell you my adventure with brenda later!) was the only reason why he called me again.
i think the whole thing has put me off to james. even when he was talking, i was rolling my eyes at random things he said that would usually amuse me. i never did that before. then i realized, he's really not worth it. i've been through this crap with michael and i don't wish to repeat the worst years of my life. i don't care if he has a nice body, i wouldn't care if he has 13-inch member which he doesn't- i still would not go through all that ever again.
i started over analyzing everything and realized that he might have been lying to me the entire time. how convenient that he lost his phone a day after we met, quit his job a week after we went out, and got his truck stolen and damaged the same weekend... now he apparantly has gone to jail as well. all these explain times where he goes missing. it seems he's digging himself into a whole. eventually he'll run out of stories or i will seriously give him props for creativity.
i'm tired of giving second chances, especially when he hasn't even asked for it. i'm really into honesty and i've made that very clear at the beginning. but if he's lying to me about a bunch of crap, i don't want to even bother. it reminds me of when i was with michael and i'd be so paranoid but then he'd make ME feel crazy for being paranoid cuz he'd have some elaborate lie to calm my nerves, making me feel my gut instincts were completely irrational. i hate that. i hate feeling crazy when i know in my heart i'm right.
i've made too many mistakes on the account of my boredom. i've wasted too much of my time due to loneliness. like in sex and the city when they ask whether it is better to fake it or be alone- i say, be alone. no stress and faking it just leads to attachment to the wrong kind of people, which will be an obstacle for possible mr. rights. i can now admit i make terrible relationship choices. i'm way too emotionally driven and i never take a pause to think about things logically. now i'm pausing.
i'm not going to lie to myself and say i'm never going to talk to james again but i'm not calling him anymore. if he wants to talk to me or hang out with me, he can ask me out. i refuse to make any effort from this point on.
i remember being so ecstatic about the jail thing but now... it's just another reason why he's so not worth it and inevitablly "he's just not that into me" after all.
james finally calls me today where his excuse for his absence was that he was taken to jail on his supsended license charge. initially i was excited about the whole possibility of jail and him not actually ignoring me. but he was. he didn't "get locked up" until thursday. how utterly convenient! i now think that my midnight call last night gave him the courage to make up a lie and call me again. maybe before that when i stopped calling him on thursday, he might have given up assuming i would never talk to him again if he came up with any story. me calling last night when in lee's backseat while he was at the liquor store (i will hafto tell you my adventure with brenda later!) was the only reason why he called me again.
i think the whole thing has put me off to james. even when he was talking, i was rolling my eyes at random things he said that would usually amuse me. i never did that before. then i realized, he's really not worth it. i've been through this crap with michael and i don't wish to repeat the worst years of my life. i don't care if he has a nice body, i wouldn't care if he has 13-inch member which he doesn't- i still would not go through all that ever again.
i started over analyzing everything and realized that he might have been lying to me the entire time. how convenient that he lost his phone a day after we met, quit his job a week after we went out, and got his truck stolen and damaged the same weekend... now he apparantly has gone to jail as well. all these explain times where he goes missing. it seems he's digging himself into a whole. eventually he'll run out of stories or i will seriously give him props for creativity.
i'm tired of giving second chances, especially when he hasn't even asked for it. i'm really into honesty and i've made that very clear at the beginning. but if he's lying to me about a bunch of crap, i don't want to even bother. it reminds me of when i was with michael and i'd be so paranoid but then he'd make ME feel crazy for being paranoid cuz he'd have some elaborate lie to calm my nerves, making me feel my gut instincts were completely irrational. i hate that. i hate feeling crazy when i know in my heart i'm right.
i've made too many mistakes on the account of my boredom. i've wasted too much of my time due to loneliness. like in sex and the city when they ask whether it is better to fake it or be alone- i say, be alone. no stress and faking it just leads to attachment to the wrong kind of people, which will be an obstacle for possible mr. rights. i can now admit i make terrible relationship choices. i'm way too emotionally driven and i never take a pause to think about things logically. now i'm pausing.
i'm not going to lie to myself and say i'm never going to talk to james again but i'm not calling him anymore. if he wants to talk to me or hang out with me, he can ask me out. i refuse to make any effort from this point on.
i remember being so ecstatic about the jail thing but now... it's just another reason why he's so not worth it and inevitablly "he's just not that into me" after all.
this heart of mine was broken at 11:02:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, November 02, 2007
theories or wishful thinking
Dear heart,
talking to brenda yesterday, it inspired me to make a list of possibilites as to WHY the F*** james hasn't contacted me at all:
1. he might have realized we would never work because of avery.
2. he might still feel upset about the monday night incident.
3. he got back with avery's mom.
4. he lost his phone.
5. he broke his phone.
6. he was killed in somwe tragic accident or intended murder.
7. he is injured and in the hopsital.
8. he found something better to do that night, flaked, and now finds it awkward to call me.
9. he met another girl that he likes better.
10. he got what he wanted from me and found no more reason to continue this relationship.
11. i might have given it up too soon and now he either thinks i do it all the time or is bored without the challenge.
12. he is going through some drama that he doesn't want to involve me in.
13. he realizes he hasn't liked someone like this that it is freaking him out and he's pushing me away.
14. he fell into some hardcore drugs that has him staying at dirty hotels and he's too embarassed to let anyone know about it.
15. maybe i'm too much for him too soon that he needs space.
16. he has no balls and can't tell me that he's just not that into me.
17. he got kidnapped by some hoodlums hired by avery's mom.
that's all i've got right now but i have a wild imagination so who knows what i will add to my list later. it still baffles me at how blatant this rejection is. even though i've been strong and not called/texted him, i still can't help but think about when and where exactly things went wrong. it was all going so well. it's as if he just disappeared. it's a big blow to my ego. i hate it. i just wish i had some clue as to what the f*** was going on!
talking to brenda yesterday, it inspired me to make a list of possibilites as to WHY the F*** james hasn't contacted me at all:
1. he might have realized we would never work because of avery.
2. he might still feel upset about the monday night incident.
3. he got back with avery's mom.
4. he lost his phone.
5. he broke his phone.
6. he was killed in somwe tragic accident or intended murder.
7. he is injured and in the hopsital.
8. he found something better to do that night, flaked, and now finds it awkward to call me.
9. he met another girl that he likes better.
10. he got what he wanted from me and found no more reason to continue this relationship.
11. i might have given it up too soon and now he either thinks i do it all the time or is bored without the challenge.
12. he is going through some drama that he doesn't want to involve me in.
13. he realizes he hasn't liked someone like this that it is freaking him out and he's pushing me away.
14. he fell into some hardcore drugs that has him staying at dirty hotels and he's too embarassed to let anyone know about it.
15. maybe i'm too much for him too soon that he needs space.
16. he has no balls and can't tell me that he's just not that into me.
17. he got kidnapped by some hoodlums hired by avery's mom.
that's all i've got right now but i have a wild imagination so who knows what i will add to my list later. it still baffles me at how blatant this rejection is. even though i've been strong and not called/texted him, i still can't help but think about when and where exactly things went wrong. it was all going so well. it's as if he just disappeared. it's a big blow to my ego. i hate it. i just wish i had some clue as to what the f*** was going on!
this heart of mine was broken at 9:40:00 PM
1 people tried to mend this shattered heart
1 people tried to mend this shattered heart
what if i fall further than you? (reprise)
Dear heart,
i just finished watching when berger broke up with carrie via post-it. the last entry inspired me to watch it and i guess its human nature to find connections with EVERYthing but i feel like that's how it is. he's this fantastic, hilarious guy who has some issues... which spills over and eventually leaves the already nutso girl in more confusion than she began with.
the ingrid michaelson song called giving up is what brought upon my title. it's basically a song mentioning all the things that might go wrong, but the person is gonna give up worrying and thinking something else might be better because amidst it all, she's happy where she is.
i don't know the point of it all. i just wish he'd just tell me something... ANYthing. even "you make me sick. you're an ugly biatch and i can't stand you." i'd take that. i dyed my hair black on whim because of all this. i'm not regretting it yet but people's reactions are advising me otherwise. i need this color right now too. not only cuz its winter and people always look a bit silly with summer hair for this season... but because black hair makes me strong. like i'm not gonna take anyone's crap. and i really won't. so forget berger/james. i'm not gonna wait around for him. right?
i just finished watching when berger broke up with carrie via post-it. the last entry inspired me to watch it and i guess its human nature to find connections with EVERYthing but i feel like that's how it is. he's this fantastic, hilarious guy who has some issues... which spills over and eventually leaves the already nutso girl in more confusion than she began with.
the ingrid michaelson song called giving up is what brought upon my title. it's basically a song mentioning all the things that might go wrong, but the person is gonna give up worrying and thinking something else might be better because amidst it all, she's happy where she is.
i don't know the point of it all. i just wish he'd just tell me something... ANYthing. even "you make me sick. you're an ugly biatch and i can't stand you." i'd take that. i dyed my hair black on whim because of all this. i'm not regretting it yet but people's reactions are advising me otherwise. i need this color right now too. not only cuz its winter and people always look a bit silly with summer hair for this season... but because black hair makes me strong. like i'm not gonna take anyone's crap. and i really won't. so forget berger/james. i'm not gonna wait around for him. right?
this heart of mine was broken at 12:28:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, November 01, 2007
what if i fall further than you?
Dear heart,
i should be used to disappearing acts by now. either i'm great at doing it or people seem to know how to just duck out of my life with not so much as a "i'm sorry. i can't. don't hate me." maybe this doesn't happen as often as i make it seem but... man, do i feel stupid right now! it really felt like it came out of left field. everything was going so well. i actually thought he was a decent human being. someone who made my paranoid thoughts null and void where he deserved the benefit of the doubt. but i was all wrong. WRONG WRONG WRONG!
i can't say it enough to myself how utterly wrong i was about him. hoe completely blind i was and how foolish i feel for actually believing in someone like him.
i just wanna wallow in this emptiness i suddenly feel. after troy, i missed him but i was ok with that. for a long time i was empty and i was used to it. then james comes along filling me with all this hope and then taking it away makes me hunger for what i thought i might be able to have. it makes me notice how completely starved i am for whatever it is i thought he had to offer- companionship.
i should be used to disappearing acts by now. either i'm great at doing it or people seem to know how to just duck out of my life with not so much as a "i'm sorry. i can't. don't hate me." maybe this doesn't happen as often as i make it seem but... man, do i feel stupid right now! it really felt like it came out of left field. everything was going so well. i actually thought he was a decent human being. someone who made my paranoid thoughts null and void where he deserved the benefit of the doubt. but i was all wrong. WRONG WRONG WRONG!
i can't say it enough to myself how utterly wrong i was about him. hoe completely blind i was and how foolish i feel for actually believing in someone like him.
i just wanna wallow in this emptiness i suddenly feel. after troy, i missed him but i was ok with that. for a long time i was empty and i was used to it. then james comes along filling me with all this hope and then taking it away makes me hunger for what i thought i might be able to have. it makes me notice how completely starved i am for whatever it is i thought he had to offer- companionship.
this heart of mine was broken at 9:40:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, October 29, 2007
so we're not playing games?
Dear heart,
for some reason, i figure he's not calling because we're playing some sort of game and obviously i'm not really winning. i end up texting him something about actually cleaning my room today. he texted me back with "you me smile" which was supposed to be "you make me smile." that was a good enough excuse to call him and clarify. except we just started talking about random crap again and didn't start talking about what he meant by his text until towards the ending half of the conversation.
what i like most about him is that maybe he's an honest guy. a non-cheater? is that getting my hopes up too high? like, he is so busy playing sports and staying active that all that activity takes up his day. he'll make time to hang out with me but he has a life that has nothing to do with me and i LOVE it! it's so sexy. like i want to be a part of it even though i'm not too interested in it. weird...
anyway, i hope he can make time for me this week. i have to sound unavailable and busy so he'll want to set up some kind of an appointment with me. it seems all the days this week are blocked off: monday- class for me, tuesday- anty day, wednesday- trick or treating with anty and mel/ him with his daughter (and baby momma?), thursday- maybe but i have AU trainings, friday- class/avery, saturday- class & hanson/avery, sunday- avery. how do i get him to hang out with me on thursday and still have him believe it was his idea?! now that's a project i need to be working on...
for some reason, i figure he's not calling because we're playing some sort of game and obviously i'm not really winning. i end up texting him something about actually cleaning my room today. he texted me back with "you me smile" which was supposed to be "you make me smile." that was a good enough excuse to call him and clarify. except we just started talking about random crap again and didn't start talking about what he meant by his text until towards the ending half of the conversation.
what i like most about him is that maybe he's an honest guy. a non-cheater? is that getting my hopes up too high? like, he is so busy playing sports and staying active that all that activity takes up his day. he'll make time to hang out with me but he has a life that has nothing to do with me and i LOVE it! it's so sexy. like i want to be a part of it even though i'm not too interested in it. weird...
anyway, i hope he can make time for me this week. i have to sound unavailable and busy so he'll want to set up some kind of an appointment with me. it seems all the days this week are blocked off: monday- class for me, tuesday- anty day, wednesday- trick or treating with anty and mel/ him with his daughter (and baby momma?), thursday- maybe but i have AU trainings, friday- class/avery, saturday- class & hanson/avery, sunday- avery. how do i get him to hang out with me on thursday and still have him believe it was his idea?! now that's a project i need to be working on...
this heart of mine was broken at 1:13:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, October 28, 2007
easier thought than done
Dear heart,
i find myself wondering if i've been too much too soon. i guess i'm so used to being a certain way after sex that i can't remember acting and being such a sap. i guess with most things i just try to get it over with because i saw it as a reason for men to be fake and just try to impress you when they really just want to get into your pants.
even though its only been 3 dates, which was really 2 weeks later, i feel like i really wanted to wait with this one. i knew i liked him aside from his parental status, his drug addiction and alcoholism, and unemployment. i would try to use these reasons or find new ones to just talk myself out of liking him. but like most things, it's easier thought then done. when we're around each other, it's amazing how i feel like there's nothing to worry about at all. i feel like he's all about me when he's holding my hand, holding me, and slowly holding my heart. and there are no paranoid thoughts when he is around. it's almost impossible to even believe he wants someone else because he makes me feel so fabulous and special. then we're apart and it slowly hits me how equally fabulous he is. i don't know how a guy like him can act the way he does with me. i don't even read the jerk element from him.
then tell me why he hasn't called me all day. maybe i'm becoming too needy and he senses it. i really try not to but then i can't help wanting to communicate with him so i text or call him. i made a resolution that i wouldn't call or text until he does it to me. but so far today- NOTHING! if he can hold his own, then i don't see why i can't. i really need to separate my affections from being dependent on people. i should be the non-clingy woman i always preach my girlfriends to be...
i find myself wondering if i've been too much too soon. i guess i'm so used to being a certain way after sex that i can't remember acting and being such a sap. i guess with most things i just try to get it over with because i saw it as a reason for men to be fake and just try to impress you when they really just want to get into your pants.
even though its only been 3 dates, which was really 2 weeks later, i feel like i really wanted to wait with this one. i knew i liked him aside from his parental status, his drug addiction and alcoholism, and unemployment. i would try to use these reasons or find new ones to just talk myself out of liking him. but like most things, it's easier thought then done. when we're around each other, it's amazing how i feel like there's nothing to worry about at all. i feel like he's all about me when he's holding my hand, holding me, and slowly holding my heart. and there are no paranoid thoughts when he is around. it's almost impossible to even believe he wants someone else because he makes me feel so fabulous and special. then we're apart and it slowly hits me how equally fabulous he is. i don't know how a guy like him can act the way he does with me. i don't even read the jerk element from him.
then tell me why he hasn't called me all day. maybe i'm becoming too needy and he senses it. i really try not to but then i can't help wanting to communicate with him so i text or call him. i made a resolution that i wouldn't call or text until he does it to me. but so far today- NOTHING! if he can hold his own, then i don't see why i can't. i really need to separate my affections from being dependent on people. i should be the non-clingy woman i always preach my girlfriends to be...
this heart of mine was broken at 8:33:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
halloween haunt and its aftermaths
Dear heart,
yesterday, james and i went to halloween haunt. i can't fully recall all the other times i've gone to a halloween haunt type of amusement park but this had to be the best out of all those times. seriously.
first we went to some maze in the mystery lodge. of course i was scared but it really amused him! he would help scare! it was terrible! but the more scared i got, the more fun he looked like he was having. he even left me sometimes but not in a menacing way. it was playful and then i'd be in his arms again. standing in line was actually very entertaining. we'd be wrapped up in each other and for the longest time even after we got there, i didn't kiss him. we'd just kinda brush our noses together and breathe deeply. it was hot. he called me a tease and when i protested, he admitted that he liked it cuz it made things interesting.
he really wanted to watch a show or something so i told him we'd check the times. we go on the spider maze in the calico train. that's when we finally kissed. god! i feel it in the pit of my stomache and it reminds me how much i'm really feeling him. we get into this train with 4 really tall, according to him, gay guys. this guy offers to give me his glow stick and even after telling us they got it at the 99cent store so it was ok, james gave the guy $2 anyway. the end of that ride had the yeti thing and it freaked me out. i screamed bloody murder but it also gave me an excuse to bury my face into him. after, we watched this show and it was funny cuz it was a lot of pop culture jokes. we're both pretty short and he offers to carry me. i would actually feel comfortable and unfat if he carried me but i liked being at his level hugging him, or having him hugging me from behind, or me turning around to look at him and he'd kiss me. now that's WAY more fun than being on his shoulders. the rest of the night, i felt like i was floating like the fog that randomly came out of those dispensers. monsters and james trying to scare me, holding hands, kissing and momentarily making out in public, taking booth pictures, making jokes and stories about people, sharing things about each other, smiling, laughing, and just acting like teenagers in love. it was just so fun!
i look cheesy but he's adorable!
anyway, we go back to his place but stop at del taco first. we eat in his room and start talking on his bed. now the bad part...
so we're making out and things got a little heavy and honestly, even though i told myself i wouldn't, it really felt like the perfect time. so we do it and it's really HOT! and damn that boy's body is SMOLDERING! but then i guess i shush him, which i didn't realize, and he stops. i think he stops cuz i thought he came and that freaked me out. we're both quiet for what seemed like years and then i ask him if he came because he did not have a condom on. i seriously was freaking out. so he's still inside me and we take turns with our nervous awkward laughter. i told him i had to go to the bathroom. i go back and his clothes are on and things are just WEIRD! we're both over analyzers and we're sitting there quietly, stealing glances at each other, catching the other person holding an awkward smile. it was really bad. he says he's never had an awkward moment like this and it makes me feel like crap. he said something about changing how he feels. me being self-absored little joanne, i instantly think he's referring to me. i guess he was just rethinking his manhood for some reason. he said it would change how he feels about his performance. i just wanted to get out of there but thought things would be worse if i did cuz then we'd be left to think about it apart without the comfort of the other person.
thankfully, we lay back down comfortably with my legs on top of his. we start kissing and then we try again. thank god for that cuz the awkwardness go away. i figure nothing can get more awkward than that so we can only go up from there. i just don't want to act like such a girl. but its hard when you really like someone and you just want to be around them and be all about them. i know you can't do that and i won't. i'll keep him wanting to hold me down and keep things "interesting" for everyone. but like i said, it's gonna be hard.
i hate how much i feel for him. i thought i was above that. i can have sex and just go on my merry way, even get over it afterwards. now... he's making me feel like some dumb girl who wants to give herself to him. it's dumb and i hate being like that. i feel so out-of-control and pathetic. i guess i just won't show it. problem resolved.
yesterday, james and i went to halloween haunt. i can't fully recall all the other times i've gone to a halloween haunt type of amusement park but this had to be the best out of all those times. seriously.
first we went to some maze in the mystery lodge. of course i was scared but it really amused him! he would help scare! it was terrible! but the more scared i got, the more fun he looked like he was having. he even left me sometimes but not in a menacing way. it was playful and then i'd be in his arms again. standing in line was actually very entertaining. we'd be wrapped up in each other and for the longest time even after we got there, i didn't kiss him. we'd just kinda brush our noses together and breathe deeply. it was hot. he called me a tease and when i protested, he admitted that he liked it cuz it made things interesting.
he really wanted to watch a show or something so i told him we'd check the times. we go on the spider maze in the calico train. that's when we finally kissed. god! i feel it in the pit of my stomache and it reminds me how much i'm really feeling him. we get into this train with 4 really tall, according to him, gay guys. this guy offers to give me his glow stick and even after telling us they got it at the 99cent store so it was ok, james gave the guy $2 anyway. the end of that ride had the yeti thing and it freaked me out. i screamed bloody murder but it also gave me an excuse to bury my face into him. after, we watched this show and it was funny cuz it was a lot of pop culture jokes. we're both pretty short and he offers to carry me. i would actually feel comfortable and unfat if he carried me but i liked being at his level hugging him, or having him hugging me from behind, or me turning around to look at him and he'd kiss me. now that's WAY more fun than being on his shoulders. the rest of the night, i felt like i was floating like the fog that randomly came out of those dispensers. monsters and james trying to scare me, holding hands, kissing and momentarily making out in public, taking booth pictures, making jokes and stories about people, sharing things about each other, smiling, laughing, and just acting like teenagers in love. it was just so fun!
i look cheesy but he's adorable!
anyway, we go back to his place but stop at del taco first. we eat in his room and start talking on his bed. now the bad part...
so we're making out and things got a little heavy and honestly, even though i told myself i wouldn't, it really felt like the perfect time. so we do it and it's really HOT! and damn that boy's body is SMOLDERING! but then i guess i shush him, which i didn't realize, and he stops. i think he stops cuz i thought he came and that freaked me out. we're both quiet for what seemed like years and then i ask him if he came because he did not have a condom on. i seriously was freaking out. so he's still inside me and we take turns with our nervous awkward laughter. i told him i had to go to the bathroom. i go back and his clothes are on and things are just WEIRD! we're both over analyzers and we're sitting there quietly, stealing glances at each other, catching the other person holding an awkward smile. it was really bad. he says he's never had an awkward moment like this and it makes me feel like crap. he said something about changing how he feels. me being self-absored little joanne, i instantly think he's referring to me. i guess he was just rethinking his manhood for some reason. he said it would change how he feels about his performance. i just wanted to get out of there but thought things would be worse if i did cuz then we'd be left to think about it apart without the comfort of the other person.
thankfully, we lay back down comfortably with my legs on top of his. we start kissing and then we try again. thank god for that cuz the awkwardness go away. i figure nothing can get more awkward than that so we can only go up from there. i just don't want to act like such a girl. but its hard when you really like someone and you just want to be around them and be all about them. i know you can't do that and i won't. i'll keep him wanting to hold me down and keep things "interesting" for everyone. but like i said, it's gonna be hard.
i hate how much i feel for him. i thought i was above that. i can have sex and just go on my merry way, even get over it afterwards. now... he's making me feel like some dumb girl who wants to give herself to him. it's dumb and i hate being like that. i feel so out-of-control and pathetic. i guess i just won't show it. problem resolved.
this heart of mine was broken at 2:49:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
MIA
Dear heart,
this morning after math class, eddie scared me that scary farm might be sold out so i tell james to try to buy it today. he sounded a bitpreoccupied and then i thought i might have sounded bossy/demanding when i know he has all this drama going on in his life. i texted him an apology and he replied with "stop. you're good."
so that is the last i heard from him. i texted him that since he has a new phone, if he wanted a new picture of me. NOTHING! i got off work late today at 9 and he didn't pick up when i called. maybe he's sleeping? i hope everything is ok. i won't freak out to him but... i'll freak out to you?
i guess i am not as stressed because i trust him completely. may that be a smart decision or not, he hasn't given me any reason not to. in the back of my mind, thoughts of hardcore drugs, him getting tired of me, another chick, baby momma, and drinking AGAIN plague my mind as reasons as to why he's not picking up his phone. i would call again but i figured he sees my missed call. i left a message. if he doesn't or can't call me back from that, it will be the same result if i call him- NO ANSWER! so instead of looking desperate or need, i'll let him call me.
i hope he doesn't break or lose his phone again. i guess i'll just sleep it off and wait to see if he calls/texts me tomorrow.
if he doesn't, i'll be sad but i'm sure i can come up with or make up a reason why it would never have worked out anyway. haha. i really hope he has some good excuse tomorrow. good night!
this morning after math class, eddie scared me that scary farm might be sold out so i tell james to try to buy it today. he sounded a bitpreoccupied and then i thought i might have sounded bossy/demanding when i know he has all this drama going on in his life. i texted him an apology and he replied with "stop. you're good."
so that is the last i heard from him. i texted him that since he has a new phone, if he wanted a new picture of me. NOTHING! i got off work late today at 9 and he didn't pick up when i called. maybe he's sleeping? i hope everything is ok. i won't freak out to him but... i'll freak out to you?
i guess i am not as stressed because i trust him completely. may that be a smart decision or not, he hasn't given me any reason not to. in the back of my mind, thoughts of hardcore drugs, him getting tired of me, another chick, baby momma, and drinking AGAIN plague my mind as reasons as to why he's not picking up his phone. i would call again but i figured he sees my missed call. i left a message. if he doesn't or can't call me back from that, it will be the same result if i call him- NO ANSWER! so instead of looking desperate or need, i'll let him call me.
i hope he doesn't break or lose his phone again. i guess i'll just sleep it off and wait to see if he calls/texts me tomorrow.
if he doesn't, i'll be sad but i'm sure i can come up with or make up a reason why it would never have worked out anyway. haha. i really hope he has some good excuse tomorrow. good night!
this heart of mine was broken at 11:42:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
2nd date
Dear heart,
yesterday i got off work early to watch a free movie screening at huntington beach. since i was all paranoid about him having to tell me something where it turned out to be his truck getting stolen, he doesn't have a car right now. so i drove SIDE STREETS from long beach to stanton because the 405 and 22 were probably packed at that hour. we get there and i guess they are full so we miss the movie. for some reason, HE feels bad about "making us miss the movie." he took me to eat at islands and although he does not have a job anymore, he still paid for everything. it was really cold in there cuz she sat is right near the air conditioning. he kept feeling bad that i was cold. randomly, he would stop eating to rub my arms which were, i have to admit, quite icy. of course i finish eating first because i eat pretty damn fast. when i was done, he made me snuggle into him while he ate and just managed with his fork in his right hand.
we went to barnes and nobles next. he seemed completely lost in there and instructed me to show him around to the "good authors." we end up at the children's section and i read him some book i love. it was really very cute as we sat on the carpet, he's holding me while i read to him and show him the pictures. we walk around a bit and when i stop to read the back of a book, he comes up behind me and just hugs me. his arms aren't around my waist but around my shoulders where it makes me lean back into him and i smile to myself.
as we walk hand in hand to the car, we talk about things that i can't remember. not like i ever do but the laughing part. i can't stop laughing or smiling when i'm around him. when we were leaving the parking lot, he decides he has to pee so we stop at the bed, bath and beyond store to use their restroom. after he uses the restroom, we sit on massage chairs, talk about how he loves cooking, tried to find a salas tosser (haha), made fun of the random gadgets, and made embarassing jokes about things in the store. i told him we should go to the world market which he labeled "pic and save for the rich people." we look around and for some reason when we found an empty aisle, we started kissing. it was only a few seconds but it was pretty intense. we kinda look each other a little embarassed or shy or something equally endearing.
we stop at starbucks and sit outside. though we tried to put the chairs as close as possible, it was never close enough. he ended up picking me up from my chair onto his lap. i got really comfortable. i was tucked under his arm and he was almost cradling me. we talk about random things like cops and hookers and god-knows what else, but throughout he would lean down or i would look up for a small kiss. finally, a starbucks worker told us "one person per seat please." he looked like he was having a bad day so f- him. i sat in my own chair and i already explained to james how much i hated being in trouble. he knew i wanted to leave so we did.
we got to his place and i went inside. said hi to his grandmother but his mom was sleeping. i saw what avery looked like. she's ok. not as cute as i would have imagined. there's this cute build a bear he has that says "i love you, daddy" in her voice. anyway, we start making out and it got pretty heavy. thankfully, i stood my ground and he even mentions that he likes trouble and he loves to be told no. good! there are a lot of "no's" that are gonna come out of my mouth. i almost want to say yes but i really like how things are. i like him, too. i don't want me to get sick of him already and sometimes sex has a way of humanizing a guy to me. whatever pedestal he's in, he's gonna get knocked down. i guess i think like a boy and whether they think the same way about me, it doesn't really matter. i think that's what i like most about james. i don't feel pressured at all. i'm sure he'd bone me if i let him but what guy could really say no to a girl except a virgin?
at 12 midnight, i told him i had to go. he walked me to my car and said something cute like "drive safe, ok?" haha ok?! i think the "ok" part sounded silly but adorable. i was driving home and didn't want to seem eager by calling or texting. thankfully he texted me something clever like "if you're looking at this, you should be driving. J/K. drive safe." i told him i felt like i was in a video game and i guess that worried him cuz he called me. he waited till i was almost home before getting off the phone.
it's scary how much i like him because he's funny and interesting and not because he's so effin HOT! well that helps though...
yesterday i got off work early to watch a free movie screening at huntington beach. since i was all paranoid about him having to tell me something where it turned out to be his truck getting stolen, he doesn't have a car right now. so i drove SIDE STREETS from long beach to stanton because the 405 and 22 were probably packed at that hour. we get there and i guess they are full so we miss the movie. for some reason, HE feels bad about "making us miss the movie." he took me to eat at islands and although he does not have a job anymore, he still paid for everything. it was really cold in there cuz she sat is right near the air conditioning. he kept feeling bad that i was cold. randomly, he would stop eating to rub my arms which were, i have to admit, quite icy. of course i finish eating first because i eat pretty damn fast. when i was done, he made me snuggle into him while he ate and just managed with his fork in his right hand.
we went to barnes and nobles next. he seemed completely lost in there and instructed me to show him around to the "good authors." we end up at the children's section and i read him some book i love. it was really very cute as we sat on the carpet, he's holding me while i read to him and show him the pictures. we walk around a bit and when i stop to read the back of a book, he comes up behind me and just hugs me. his arms aren't around my waist but around my shoulders where it makes me lean back into him and i smile to myself.
as we walk hand in hand to the car, we talk about things that i can't remember. not like i ever do but the laughing part. i can't stop laughing or smiling when i'm around him. when we were leaving the parking lot, he decides he has to pee so we stop at the bed, bath and beyond store to use their restroom. after he uses the restroom, we sit on massage chairs, talk about how he loves cooking, tried to find a salas tosser (haha), made fun of the random gadgets, and made embarassing jokes about things in the store. i told him we should go to the world market which he labeled "pic and save for the rich people." we look around and for some reason when we found an empty aisle, we started kissing. it was only a few seconds but it was pretty intense. we kinda look each other a little embarassed or shy or something equally endearing.
we stop at starbucks and sit outside. though we tried to put the chairs as close as possible, it was never close enough. he ended up picking me up from my chair onto his lap. i got really comfortable. i was tucked under his arm and he was almost cradling me. we talk about random things like cops and hookers and god-knows what else, but throughout he would lean down or i would look up for a small kiss. finally, a starbucks worker told us "one person per seat please." he looked like he was having a bad day so f- him. i sat in my own chair and i already explained to james how much i hated being in trouble. he knew i wanted to leave so we did.
we got to his place and i went inside. said hi to his grandmother but his mom was sleeping. i saw what avery looked like. she's ok. not as cute as i would have imagined. there's this cute build a bear he has that says "i love you, daddy" in her voice. anyway, we start making out and it got pretty heavy. thankfully, i stood my ground and he even mentions that he likes trouble and he loves to be told no. good! there are a lot of "no's" that are gonna come out of my mouth. i almost want to say yes but i really like how things are. i like him, too. i don't want me to get sick of him already and sometimes sex has a way of humanizing a guy to me. whatever pedestal he's in, he's gonna get knocked down. i guess i think like a boy and whether they think the same way about me, it doesn't really matter. i think that's what i like most about james. i don't feel pressured at all. i'm sure he'd bone me if i let him but what guy could really say no to a girl except a virgin?
at 12 midnight, i told him i had to go. he walked me to my car and said something cute like "drive safe, ok?" haha ok?! i think the "ok" part sounded silly but adorable. i was driving home and didn't want to seem eager by calling or texting. thankfully he texted me something clever like "if you're looking at this, you should be driving. J/K. drive safe." i told him i felt like i was in a video game and i guess that worried him cuz he called me. he waited till i was almost home before getting off the phone.
it's scary how much i like him because he's funny and interesting and not because he's so effin HOT! well that helps though...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:07:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, October 22, 2007
for once
Dear heart,
i was wrong about being paranoid and by actually giving him the benefit of the doubt, or making it seem like it on his end- he didn't go and so something stupid. never thought this day would come!
i was wrong about being paranoid and by actually giving him the benefit of the doubt, or making it seem like it on his end- he didn't go and so something stupid. never thought this day would come!
this heart of mine was broken at 11:01:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, October 21, 2007
drama i deserve
Dear heart,
tonight is a projection of many days and nights to come. this morning i asked him the situation about his baby momma. he said they haven't been together since avery was born, haven't slept together since avery was 3. he says she tries to make passes at him sometimes but he always tells her no. but OF COURSE he's gonna tell me that. what is he supposed to say? "i wanna get back with her too but i'm scared she'll hurt me again." or "i make passes at her too but they are always ill-timed." this whole conversation got brought up because i guess avery was upset that he hadn't been spending a lot of time with the mother. i can understand that she wants her family to be together. that kind of outlook on it, i almost want him to get back with her so they can be a family again. i don't know why they broke up and i really don't care to know. all i was concerned about was if she was in his life now. i am really trying to focus on the present and forget about whatever happened in the past and stop worrying about what might happen in the future. anyway, he has a dream that he comes over to pick up avery and his baby momma lets him in. she goes back inside and starts sucking some guy off and tells him to sit down and she'll come in the living room. she tries to hug him but he's upset at her. that whole dream made me think first of all, why is he thinking of that? some harbored jealousy? does he miss her?
see i was getting over those details until now. he was talking to me on the train ride to avery's mom's house. i guess avery was getting bored because he had to get off after half an hour. he sent me this amazing picture of his abs. i told him to call me back when he's coming back on the train. so hour one passes, then two. i text him and usually he just calls me. he was actually texting me back. i told him about some free movie screening on tuesday via text and i was sure he'd call me back then to ensure the details. nothing. instead he texts me with "i would like that. i'll call you tomorrow." it's 8 effin 30! i know he's not going to sleep already so wtf is he doing tonight that he can't call me? he already quit his job so he has nowhere to be early in the morning.
it's obvious. he is going to stay at the baby momma's house. whether he will sleep with her sexually or physically or not, is not even the issue. the issue is if i'm ok with that whole thing. and while i'm deciding how exactly i feel about it all, a bajillion questions are running through my head. is sleeping over there normal? does he sleep on the couch or in bed with her holding her? and if he slept on the couch, would i still be ok with it? maybe he's doing it for the daughter... and maybe they are all going somewhere together as a family tomorrow since he doesn't work. i don't mind family outings. just the whole "sleeping over" thing. it's so damn intimate. we haven't even slept together. he hasn't even felt any of my skin besides my face, arms, and lower back above my butt. i don't even know what kind of underwear he wears.
i don't want to be jealous. i guess i'm more calm than i was when i first received the text. i guess i'm just afraid i'll hear from him tomorrow that he's going to try to work things out with her. i've been in a situation like that where all my paranoid thoughts came true. this happened more than one occasion. actually each time i had a aterrible feeling- i was usually 75% right. if this had to happen, i can consider myself lucky that it happened now than later.
i just finished talking to brenda and she's right. i need to stop worrying. i need to stop preaching how i should act and just do it. i'm being a silly girl. i am effin awesome and he will seriously miss out on something great if he passes me up. either way, i feel better. que sera sera. whatever will be will be.
he's already talked about me to his sister and his mom. that must mean something. you know what? i just need to stop over analyzing all this. we barely know each other. we have gone out on ONE date. what is the big deal?! i need to pump my breaks and learn to cruise. none of this speed racing crap cuz i'll just end up crashing or getting a ticket.
picture of the moment:
i didn't know that was humanly possible for us commonfolk,.
tonight is a projection of many days and nights to come. this morning i asked him the situation about his baby momma. he said they haven't been together since avery was born, haven't slept together since avery was 3. he says she tries to make passes at him sometimes but he always tells her no. but OF COURSE he's gonna tell me that. what is he supposed to say? "i wanna get back with her too but i'm scared she'll hurt me again." or "i make passes at her too but they are always ill-timed." this whole conversation got brought up because i guess avery was upset that he hadn't been spending a lot of time with the mother. i can understand that she wants her family to be together. that kind of outlook on it, i almost want him to get back with her so they can be a family again. i don't know why they broke up and i really don't care to know. all i was concerned about was if she was in his life now. i am really trying to focus on the present and forget about whatever happened in the past and stop worrying about what might happen in the future. anyway, he has a dream that he comes over to pick up avery and his baby momma lets him in. she goes back inside and starts sucking some guy off and tells him to sit down and she'll come in the living room. she tries to hug him but he's upset at her. that whole dream made me think first of all, why is he thinking of that? some harbored jealousy? does he miss her?
see i was getting over those details until now. he was talking to me on the train ride to avery's mom's house. i guess avery was getting bored because he had to get off after half an hour. he sent me this amazing picture of his abs. i told him to call me back when he's coming back on the train. so hour one passes, then two. i text him and usually he just calls me. he was actually texting me back. i told him about some free movie screening on tuesday via text and i was sure he'd call me back then to ensure the details. nothing. instead he texts me with "i would like that. i'll call you tomorrow." it's 8 effin 30! i know he's not going to sleep already so wtf is he doing tonight that he can't call me? he already quit his job so he has nowhere to be early in the morning.
it's obvious. he is going to stay at the baby momma's house. whether he will sleep with her sexually or physically or not, is not even the issue. the issue is if i'm ok with that whole thing. and while i'm deciding how exactly i feel about it all, a bajillion questions are running through my head. is sleeping over there normal? does he sleep on the couch or in bed with her holding her? and if he slept on the couch, would i still be ok with it? maybe he's doing it for the daughter... and maybe they are all going somewhere together as a family tomorrow since he doesn't work. i don't mind family outings. just the whole "sleeping over" thing. it's so damn intimate. we haven't even slept together. he hasn't even felt any of my skin besides my face, arms, and lower back above my butt. i don't even know what kind of underwear he wears.
i don't want to be jealous. i guess i'm more calm than i was when i first received the text. i guess i'm just afraid i'll hear from him tomorrow that he's going to try to work things out with her. i've been in a situation like that where all my paranoid thoughts came true. this happened more than one occasion. actually each time i had a aterrible feeling- i was usually 75% right. if this had to happen, i can consider myself lucky that it happened now than later.
i just finished talking to brenda and she's right. i need to stop worrying. i need to stop preaching how i should act and just do it. i'm being a silly girl. i am effin awesome and he will seriously miss out on something great if he passes me up. either way, i feel better. que sera sera. whatever will be will be.
he's already talked about me to his sister and his mom. that must mean something. you know what? i just need to stop over analyzing all this. we barely know each other. we have gone out on ONE date. what is the big deal?! i need to pump my breaks and learn to cruise. none of this speed racing crap cuz i'll just end up crashing or getting a ticket.
picture of the moment:
i didn't know that was humanly possible for us commonfolk,.
this heart of mine was broken at 9:51:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
already
Dear heart,
i think i have intimacy issues because i'm already starting to talk myself out of this guy. i have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that i really want to get rid of. it's a mixture of worry and anxiety for the unknown and "what am i getting myself into?"
i just got off the phone with him and it sucks how i can honestly say i'm laughing about 80% of the time and the 20% is when we are having deep conversations that just stimulate my morals, ideas, and perspective.
i just don't know if i'm ready for all this. we had the whole baby momma drama/avery talk. he's kinda iffy about getting into relationships because that would mean introducing her to avery and she's already been bugging him about why he and the mom aren't together. then he doesn't want her to think he's trying to replace the mom.
i had this conversation with chris yesterday and i was having the same worries. i'm not saying we're getting married but i'd be like a stepmom. then chris said something really smart. avery won't need a second mother because she already has one. all i really need to be in her life is a friend who makes her dad happy. i loved that answer because its true. just because he has a daughter doesn't mean he has to stop breathing or living or at least dating. he's still young!
but back to how i feel about the whole deal. i'm still freaking out about him for some reason. not really when i'm talking to him but after. or sometimes he'll say something that makes me think- i don't have to talk to this guy anymore. and it's not even anything serious. it's just minor confessions or flaws i feel like i won't want to deal with. i usually go through this crap at least 3-6 months later. it hasn't even been 3 weeks yet and i'm already assessing his flaws. maybe the child thing really accelerated the judgement process of this guy. i can't fool around with some guy with a child for 3 months. things are a lot more complicated with a child involved. do i really want to be put through the drama? is it a smart idea to open myself up to this guy and get emotionally invested in his situation? i could back away now. i really could. but then i TALK to him and it would be ridiculous to. he's so awesome! but then i realize too that the longer i talk to him, the more i will see how awesome he is and it might make it harder for me to just leave one day when i know i shouldn't be there. i don't know why but this whole thing is making me want to scream. it's effin stressful but i'm making it so!
i guess the two things that are kinda influencing my emotional turmoil is #1: the fact that he just quit his job like today. he said he's been thinking of working with kids for awhile now. i just don't do unemployed guys. they can't go out and i am NOT paying for them. i am no ones sugar momma. and #2 is that he's a pothead. i smoke sometimes but he smokes ALL the time. that is a major turn off and knowing me, in the longrun that would really bother me. i can smoke weed but if people i care about do it- i get all protective. it's hypocritical and annoying but it would eventually really bother me. but then i already knew that about him in the beginning and i'm not going to try to change him because i know that never works out. being jobless bothers me but it doesn't necessarily mean it'll be forever. the weed thing isn't even that big a deal. i know it won't interrupt his life, our life- whatever. i just can't get it out of my head and i can't let it stop getting to me.
knowing those 2 things, i just want to not pick up his calls anymore. it's a jerky move- i KNOW! but... how else can i do it? tell him those things bother me? i don't even wanna hear him convince me it'll be ok or even hear that he's fine with me not talking to him ever again. i don't want to hear it. i just want to forget him. but its hard. i like him. it's hard for me to walk away from crap... and even moreso when i still have feelings for the person.
i find myself constantly contradicting what i say. i want to distance myself slowly from him yet the instance he calls, i get all giddy and pick up the phone. not immediately after i talk to him but when the warm feelings go away, i start to think "i can't do it. i really can't keep this whole thing going."
maybe the answers will fall into my lap but i won't hold my breath. i really don't know what to do.
i think i have intimacy issues because i'm already starting to talk myself out of this guy. i have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that i really want to get rid of. it's a mixture of worry and anxiety for the unknown and "what am i getting myself into?"
i just got off the phone with him and it sucks how i can honestly say i'm laughing about 80% of the time and the 20% is when we are having deep conversations that just stimulate my morals, ideas, and perspective.
i just don't know if i'm ready for all this. we had the whole baby momma drama/avery talk. he's kinda iffy about getting into relationships because that would mean introducing her to avery and she's already been bugging him about why he and the mom aren't together. then he doesn't want her to think he's trying to replace the mom.
i had this conversation with chris yesterday and i was having the same worries. i'm not saying we're getting married but i'd be like a stepmom. then chris said something really smart. avery won't need a second mother because she already has one. all i really need to be in her life is a friend who makes her dad happy. i loved that answer because its true. just because he has a daughter doesn't mean he has to stop breathing or living or at least dating. he's still young!
but back to how i feel about the whole deal. i'm still freaking out about him for some reason. not really when i'm talking to him but after. or sometimes he'll say something that makes me think- i don't have to talk to this guy anymore. and it's not even anything serious. it's just minor confessions or flaws i feel like i won't want to deal with. i usually go through this crap at least 3-6 months later. it hasn't even been 3 weeks yet and i'm already assessing his flaws. maybe the child thing really accelerated the judgement process of this guy. i can't fool around with some guy with a child for 3 months. things are a lot more complicated with a child involved. do i really want to be put through the drama? is it a smart idea to open myself up to this guy and get emotionally invested in his situation? i could back away now. i really could. but then i TALK to him and it would be ridiculous to. he's so awesome! but then i realize too that the longer i talk to him, the more i will see how awesome he is and it might make it harder for me to just leave one day when i know i shouldn't be there. i don't know why but this whole thing is making me want to scream. it's effin stressful but i'm making it so!
i guess the two things that are kinda influencing my emotional turmoil is #1: the fact that he just quit his job like today. he said he's been thinking of working with kids for awhile now. i just don't do unemployed guys. they can't go out and i am NOT paying for them. i am no ones sugar momma. and #2 is that he's a pothead. i smoke sometimes but he smokes ALL the time. that is a major turn off and knowing me, in the longrun that would really bother me. i can smoke weed but if people i care about do it- i get all protective. it's hypocritical and annoying but it would eventually really bother me. but then i already knew that about him in the beginning and i'm not going to try to change him because i know that never works out. being jobless bothers me but it doesn't necessarily mean it'll be forever. the weed thing isn't even that big a deal. i know it won't interrupt his life, our life- whatever. i just can't get it out of my head and i can't let it stop getting to me.
knowing those 2 things, i just want to not pick up his calls anymore. it's a jerky move- i KNOW! but... how else can i do it? tell him those things bother me? i don't even wanna hear him convince me it'll be ok or even hear that he's fine with me not talking to him ever again. i don't want to hear it. i just want to forget him. but its hard. i like him. it's hard for me to walk away from crap... and even moreso when i still have feelings for the person.
i find myself constantly contradicting what i say. i want to distance myself slowly from him yet the instance he calls, i get all giddy and pick up the phone. not immediately after i talk to him but when the warm feelings go away, i start to think "i can't do it. i really can't keep this whole thing going."
maybe the answers will fall into my lap but i won't hold my breath. i really don't know what to do.
this heart of mine was broken at 10:24:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
opportunity
Dear heart,
failure is the opportuniy to begin again more intelligently. and after all the failed relationships- i hope something with james goes right.
failure is the opportuniy to begin again more intelligently. and after all the failed relationships- i hope something with james goes right.
this heart of mine was broken at 1:51:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, October 19, 2007
knotts!
Dear heart,
he just called me. =D <- that is the cheezy smile i am wearing on my face. i know we talked about going to knotts scary farm next friday. he really wants to go and will hopefully find how and when to get tickets. i warned him of how much of a scaredy cat i am and he almost assures me that if anything touches me he is going to "react." i plead with him not to touch them at all! anyway, i heard him talk to his daughter and it was just the cutest thing. he spoils her completely. i guess he bought her 3 outfits today! haha he tells her he'll get off the phone soon but then she takes a shower and we talk a bit longer. i can't remember what the conversation was about but i can just remember this feeling when i talk to him. like there's a permanent cheezy smile embedded within me. i mentioned writing in my diary and he was very interested in what i wrote. i told him stuff and he asked what kind of stuff. then i told him stuff stuff. he laughs. then i tell him that he can wonder all his life but he will never be able to read that ever. it almost sounded mean but he sounded almost impressed but did the "oh daaaamn!" sound like i just dissed him. of course i apologize but he tells me he completely understands that and he has no problem whatsoever. i can hear a little girl's voice in the background sounding impatient. he asks my plans for the night and asks if he can call me back.
so the end for now. i'll tell you everything when he calls back.
he just called me. =D <- that is the cheezy smile i am wearing on my face. i know we talked about going to knotts scary farm next friday. he really wants to go and will hopefully find how and when to get tickets. i warned him of how much of a scaredy cat i am and he almost assures me that if anything touches me he is going to "react." i plead with him not to touch them at all! anyway, i heard him talk to his daughter and it was just the cutest thing. he spoils her completely. i guess he bought her 3 outfits today! haha he tells her he'll get off the phone soon but then she takes a shower and we talk a bit longer. i can't remember what the conversation was about but i can just remember this feeling when i talk to him. like there's a permanent cheezy smile embedded within me. i mentioned writing in my diary and he was very interested in what i wrote. i told him stuff and he asked what kind of stuff. then i told him stuff stuff. he laughs. then i tell him that he can wonder all his life but he will never be able to read that ever. it almost sounded mean but he sounded almost impressed but did the "oh daaaamn!" sound like i just dissed him. of course i apologize but he tells me he completely understands that and he has no problem whatsoever. i can hear a little girl's voice in the background sounding impatient. he asks my plans for the night and asks if he can call me back.
so the end for now. i'll tell you everything when he calls back.
this heart of mine was broken at 9:39:00 PM
1 people tried to mend this shattered heart
1 people tried to mend this shattered heart
checklist update
Dear heart,
i know i shouldn't even be reading that silly checklist i made a bajillion years ago but...
james...
x keeps his promises (heck yes!)
x no smoking (smokes only when he is wasted)
x drinks with me (has been drinking with me)
x drives (with a suspended license but is getting back in 4 weeks)
x 21 and over (25)
x has a job (a lot of money in construction)
x attractive or endearingly cute (HOT!!)
x makes me laugh (all the time)
x i can make him laugh (thank goodness)
x has a car (it's a truck! can you believe it?)
x tough on the outside, a softy when it comes to me (the stories he tells, he seems like a touch guy but i can't see it. he's such a sweetheart!)
- no hardcore drugs (he has done some bad things in the past but who hasn't?!)
x gets along with my friends (gets along with brenda but hasn't met any of the other ones yet.)
x can get jealous (he hates when i talk about movie stars)
? trusts me to let me go out with guy friends (so far, haven't gone out with any guy friends)
x honest, even when it hurts (that's a check!)
? can go shopping with me and tells me what he likes on me (don't know if he'd be into that but i can't wait)
x kisses nice (o goodness yes!)
x does little sweet things (opening doors and paying for things can count for now)
x calls all the time (not ALL the time which is actually what is keeping me really interested)
x has a cell phone (which he always picks up the phone even to tell me he's busy)
x smells good- either cologne sexy or has a natural comforting smell which i judge for myself (he says he wears tag and i told him to watch out)
? parents love me (haven't met his mom yet)
? friends love me (his friend at the bar was quiet but i heard him encourage james to get my number)
x likes seafood and asian food (everthing but squid but is willing to try it again for me)
? cooks for me (not yet but i know he CAN cook)
x let's me be in control (the teasing him is his way of surrendering control)
x is in control (even though i may act like i can tell him what to do, one word and i'd seriously do almost anything but don't tell him that)
- not abusive (he's pushed a girl who was trying punching him at a club)
x i can joke with (always)
x pokes fun at me and vice versa (best part of our conversations)
x loves my weirdness (he actually really does)
x wears beach clothing or GQ clothes or skater clothes (i adore how he dresses. i wouldn't change a thing)
x respect privacy (never pries)
? my best friend (not yet)
x smart (he's always spurting some random information and its so cute because he gets embarassed)
x goes to school (mon-wed nights)
? my parents like him (not there yet)
? doesn't have a significant ex who can come back (didn't get into that yet)
x no girlfriend (asked when he first asked for my number)
x can act mature but also playful with me (he is the epitome of this)
? i can play-fight with like wrestling (not yet but i'm sure we will)
- likes falling asleep on the phone (he "ok byes" me when he needs to go to bed)
x likes my music (he's tolerant of it)
- shy but opens up to me (not shy at all but he admits he tells me more than he should)
? will never cheat (you never know that until later and even then you might still not be sure)
x won't drive me to cheat (he keeps me interested, he gives me space, and he's hot! so i think i'll stay faithful to this one if we ever get together)
x flirts with me (i love how he flirts with me)
? can say im beautiful even when i dont have make-up on (haven't gotten that comfortable yet)
? let's me dress him or style his hair (he asked me how he should cut his hair but aren't there yet)
? goes to church with me (i don't know)
x loves to kiss me, hold me, touch me (YES!)
x publicly displays his affection
x sings even when he can't (so i've heard)
? chooses me over his friends (i wonder what happens when that situation arises)
? would do anything for me (who knows? its early!)
x likes coffee (starbucks last night)
x wears shorts sometimes (basketball shorts)
- not a workaholic (he works a lot but he finds time for other things)
? puts himself in my place when we fight (no fights yet)
x isn't all talk but no action (exactly)
? holds me when we sleep (haven't slept together yet. we've only made out at this point)
? can fart in front of me (not yet)
? can fart in front of him (oh definitely not yet!)
x joins me when im weird (yeah he actually does join me)
x listens to my problems, even when they are about him (he checks on me and how my day is but i haven't had a problem with him yet.
[[ RECOMMENDED ]]
- wears glasses (don't think so but i'm not sure)
x watches chick flicks or willing to watch foreign films (he's very open to things)
x lives within a 20 minute radius of my house (stanton is less than 15 minutes)
? takes me shopping (he hasn't)
- likes to read (only recently and its a psych book)
? good in bed (i hope so)
- goes to my school (no. chapman university)
- new in bed (not at all. hello? child!)
? loves coffee the way i make it (never made him coffee)
? boxers! (i don't even know that yet! can you believe it?)
x sings in the shower (so he tells me)
? picks flowers for me (not yet)
- british, australian, french accents (he hates british accents)
- watches smallville or dawsons creek (no but i don't anymore either)
? financially secure (RICH) (he makes a lot of money but he spends a lot too so i'm not sure)
? has no girl pals but me (i doubt that)
- rarely hangs with the boys and takes me when he does (he's always playing basketball but one day i'll watch him)
- a fireman (construction workers are even better. dirty rough hands, rock hard abs, and sweaty torsos! yum!)
x drives a truck (heck yes!)
x wears flip flops (i don't know but do you know he color codes his shoe arrangement
x half white? hehe (both halves are white)
i know i shouldn't even be reading that silly checklist i made a bajillion years ago but...
james...
x keeps his promises (heck yes!)
x no smoking (smokes only when he is wasted)
x drinks with me (has been drinking with me)
x drives (with a suspended license but is getting back in 4 weeks)
x 21 and over (25)
x has a job (a lot of money in construction)
x attractive or endearingly cute (HOT!!)
x makes me laugh (all the time)
x i can make him laugh (thank goodness)
x has a car (it's a truck! can you believe it?)
x tough on the outside, a softy when it comes to me (the stories he tells, he seems like a touch guy but i can't see it. he's such a sweetheart!)
- no hardcore drugs (he has done some bad things in the past but who hasn't?!)
x gets along with my friends (gets along with brenda but hasn't met any of the other ones yet.)
x can get jealous (he hates when i talk about movie stars)
? trusts me to let me go out with guy friends (so far, haven't gone out with any guy friends)
x honest, even when it hurts (that's a check!)
? can go shopping with me and tells me what he likes on me (don't know if he'd be into that but i can't wait)
x kisses nice (o goodness yes!)
x does little sweet things (opening doors and paying for things can count for now)
x calls all the time (not ALL the time which is actually what is keeping me really interested)
x has a cell phone (which he always picks up the phone even to tell me he's busy)
x smells good- either cologne sexy or has a natural comforting smell which i judge for myself (he says he wears tag and i told him to watch out)
? parents love me (haven't met his mom yet)
? friends love me (his friend at the bar was quiet but i heard him encourage james to get my number)
x likes seafood and asian food (everthing but squid but is willing to try it again for me)
? cooks for me (not yet but i know he CAN cook)
x let's me be in control (the teasing him is his way of surrendering control)
x is in control (even though i may act like i can tell him what to do, one word and i'd seriously do almost anything but don't tell him that)
- not abusive (he's pushed a girl who was trying punching him at a club)
x i can joke with (always)
x pokes fun at me and vice versa (best part of our conversations)
x loves my weirdness (he actually really does)
x wears beach clothing or GQ clothes or skater clothes (i adore how he dresses. i wouldn't change a thing)
x respect privacy (never pries)
? my best friend (not yet)
x smart (he's always spurting some random information and its so cute because he gets embarassed)
x goes to school (mon-wed nights)
? my parents like him (not there yet)
? doesn't have a significant ex who can come back (didn't get into that yet)
x no girlfriend (asked when he first asked for my number)
x can act mature but also playful with me (he is the epitome of this)
? i can play-fight with like wrestling (not yet but i'm sure we will)
- likes falling asleep on the phone (he "ok byes" me when he needs to go to bed)
x likes my music (he's tolerant of it)
- shy but opens up to me (not shy at all but he admits he tells me more than he should)
? will never cheat (you never know that until later and even then you might still not be sure)
x won't drive me to cheat (he keeps me interested, he gives me space, and he's hot! so i think i'll stay faithful to this one if we ever get together)
x flirts with me (i love how he flirts with me)
? can say im beautiful even when i dont have make-up on (haven't gotten that comfortable yet)
? let's me dress him or style his hair (he asked me how he should cut his hair but aren't there yet)
? goes to church with me (i don't know)
x loves to kiss me, hold me, touch me (YES!)
x publicly displays his affection
x sings even when he can't (so i've heard)
? chooses me over his friends (i wonder what happens when that situation arises)
? would do anything for me (who knows? its early!)
x likes coffee (starbucks last night)
x wears shorts sometimes (basketball shorts)
- not a workaholic (he works a lot but he finds time for other things)
? puts himself in my place when we fight (no fights yet)
x isn't all talk but no action (exactly)
? holds me when we sleep (haven't slept together yet. we've only made out at this point)
? can fart in front of me (not yet)
? can fart in front of him (oh definitely not yet!)
x joins me when im weird (yeah he actually does join me)
x listens to my problems, even when they are about him (he checks on me and how my day is but i haven't had a problem with him yet.
[[ RECOMMENDED ]]
- wears glasses (don't think so but i'm not sure)
x watches chick flicks or willing to watch foreign films (he's very open to things)
x lives within a 20 minute radius of my house (stanton is less than 15 minutes)
? takes me shopping (he hasn't)
- likes to read (only recently and its a psych book)
? good in bed (i hope so)
- goes to my school (no. chapman university)
- new in bed (not at all. hello? child!)
? loves coffee the way i make it (never made him coffee)
? boxers! (i don't even know that yet! can you believe it?)
x sings in the shower (so he tells me)
? picks flowers for me (not yet)
- british, australian, french accents (he hates british accents)
- watches smallville or dawsons creek (no but i don't anymore either)
? financially secure (RICH) (he makes a lot of money but he spends a lot too so i'm not sure)
? has no girl pals but me (i doubt that)
- rarely hangs with the boys and takes me when he does (he's always playing basketball but one day i'll watch him)
- a fireman (construction workers are even better. dirty rough hands, rock hard abs, and sweaty torsos! yum!)
x drives a truck (heck yes!)
x wears flip flops (i don't know but do you know he color codes his shoe arrangement
x half white? hehe (both halves are white)
this heart of mine was broken at 8:44:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
phone etiquette
Dear heart,
i've just noticed how adorable james' phone etiquette is. once i called him and he was at his neighbors house. he told me he was gonna go and cook his mom dinner afterwards, which is by the way too damn sweet of him. he also takes his mom out to dinner often. i love it! anyway, he didn't want to be rude so i told him to call me back when he was done. he calls me 15 minutes later and confessed that since he overanalyzes things like me, he wasn't sure what i meant about calling me back: if i meant after his neighbors house or after he cooks his mom some dinner. then he kinda feels dumb because he couldn't stop thinking about it. i had to laugh but in a non condescending way. i told him that he could have called me whenever. i meant that he should call me when he was done with everything but the fact that he was calling was no problem at all. i'm glad i'm not the only crazy one. but it was cute how considerate he was.
and today another phone thing happened. he has his daughter this weekend and he was at the mall with her and his sister. i told him i'd just talk to him later since he was busy. first he assures me he is not really busy but he is gonna walk around with them and grab something to eat. he then procedes to ask if he can call me after that. i said sure and he actually said thank you. then we got off the phone with a "ok bye." btw, he does the same thing i do. the "ok bye" and hang up right away. it makes me laugh. anyway, we hung up and i was confused what warranted the thank you. it just came out of nowhere and i wasn't sure if it was towards me or to someone else. so i had to call back and make sure. he answered with "what did i do now?" haha i gave him my high-pitched "what?!" and asked him why he said thank you. i guess he was thanking me because i said he could call me later. i started giggling and i guess he found that amusing and we're just full on laughing. we "ok byed" and i let out a scream. why is he so effin cool? seriously? and when does an honest, gentlemanly, hilariously sarcastic, sweetheart ever have a body like THAT?!
i've just noticed how adorable james' phone etiquette is. once i called him and he was at his neighbors house. he told me he was gonna go and cook his mom dinner afterwards, which is by the way too damn sweet of him. he also takes his mom out to dinner often. i love it! anyway, he didn't want to be rude so i told him to call me back when he was done. he calls me 15 minutes later and confessed that since he overanalyzes things like me, he wasn't sure what i meant about calling me back: if i meant after his neighbors house or after he cooks his mom some dinner. then he kinda feels dumb because he couldn't stop thinking about it. i had to laugh but in a non condescending way. i told him that he could have called me whenever. i meant that he should call me when he was done with everything but the fact that he was calling was no problem at all. i'm glad i'm not the only crazy one. but it was cute how considerate he was.
and today another phone thing happened. he has his daughter this weekend and he was at the mall with her and his sister. i told him i'd just talk to him later since he was busy. first he assures me he is not really busy but he is gonna walk around with them and grab something to eat. he then procedes to ask if he can call me after that. i said sure and he actually said thank you. then we got off the phone with a "ok bye." btw, he does the same thing i do. the "ok bye" and hang up right away. it makes me laugh. anyway, we hung up and i was confused what warranted the thank you. it just came out of nowhere and i wasn't sure if it was towards me or to someone else. so i had to call back and make sure. he answered with "what did i do now?" haha i gave him my high-pitched "what?!" and asked him why he said thank you. i guess he was thanking me because i said he could call me later. i started giggling and i guess he found that amusing and we're just full on laughing. we "ok byed" and i let out a scream. why is he so effin cool? seriously? and when does an honest, gentlemanly, hilariously sarcastic, sweetheart ever have a body like THAT?!
this heart of mine was broken at 8:17:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
first date
Dear heart,
so FINALLY i hung out with james last night. to my surprise, it was everything i expected and more. it almost started off bad because when he left his house to come to mine, he said he had to pull over because he was having some trouble. when i asked him about it in the car, he told me it was baby momma drama. immediately there were sirens going off in my head. but i really like how honest he is with everything. i find that the most attractive quality these days. anyway, i was iffy about watching a movie. i mean, you can't really talk and get to know each other but we decide on good luck chuck anyway. it was early so i suggested some starbucks. we sat on ONE of those couches but were very comfortable. we started talking about god-knnows-what. for some reason, i'm always picking on him about something. when my alarm goes off, he ACTUALLY finishes off the words to the camp anawana song which is a BIG PLUS. i was impressed. before starbucks, we kind of just walked next to each other and randomly bumped each other. but after we got up to walk to the movies, we walked with his arm around me.
in the theater, we told the other person to find a seat and that we didn't care. we were holding hands and just stood on the stairs FOREVER! we were both being stubborn about picking a seat. finally, he pointed to one and i told him that looked good. now i'm not really into making out while a good movie is playing but we would randomly kiss and then look up to funny parts. i mean, we didn't do it THAT much but i'm sure we missed a handful of jokes or funny scenes. and when we would, he would apologize. it was funny how we incessantly apologized to each other all night long. while we were kissing, it suddenly hit me. this wasn't those "hey it's fun kissing you" deal. i was actually starting to like this guy. it kinda freaked me out. my head kept screaming "best date ever!" i guess it's just cuz we get along so well PLUS the chemistry. seriously, i am not that into muscles but his are so hot. no really. his body is rock hard and i had my hand on his arm and he accidentally flexed it cuz he moved his hand to cup my face and i FELT it! i had to stop and giggle a little bit. i couldn't even believe it.
when we drove home, i realized he opens doors. i just never noticed because it was so seamless into the whole date. also he pays for everything. i'm into that. i usually feel uncomfortable when guys do that, but i really appreciated it especially since i'm practically broke. so we get out of the car and he gives me a really cute innocent kiss goodbye and i ask him if he has to be home yet. when he told me no, i actually suggested going into the car and making out. i wasn't even slick and said "talking" or something. obviously he does not turn me down and he holds my hand and walks me to my door. it wasn't even all making out. we're both so talkative that we'd kiss and talk about something then the other person would say something cute or interesting that we'd kiss again. oh my god, it was awesome! the best part is i never felt pressured to go any further than make out.
he suggested we hang out again cuz he had fun and i agreed. he has his daughter this weekend so i'm guessing next weekend or during the week. i warned him that next weekend was my last weekend before my fri/sat class. he immediately suggested we go to knotts scary farm and i was excited because i've been wanting to go and i was gonna say something to him but thought he might find it too soon. i like him making future plans cuz maybe i'll hang out with this guy a little more. i kinda don't wanna get my hopes up and i'm really trying to watch what i say or do to scare him off.
right now i'm enjoying this beginning. eventually i might ruin it all or he might ruin it for himself. either way, i know i like someone again and not just because he's hot or a good kisser but cuz we have so much fun together. it is only the beginning and things are always beautiful in the beginning but who cares. i'm happy and i guess that's all that matters.
p.s.
i woke up with a text:
I had a good time. Thanks! Good night
isn't that something i should be saying? i mean, he paid for everything and gave me the time of my life. even though it's simple, it brought a smile to my face.
so FINALLY i hung out with james last night. to my surprise, it was everything i expected and more. it almost started off bad because when he left his house to come to mine, he said he had to pull over because he was having some trouble. when i asked him about it in the car, he told me it was baby momma drama. immediately there were sirens going off in my head. but i really like how honest he is with everything. i find that the most attractive quality these days. anyway, i was iffy about watching a movie. i mean, you can't really talk and get to know each other but we decide on good luck chuck anyway. it was early so i suggested some starbucks. we sat on ONE of those couches but were very comfortable. we started talking about god-knnows-what. for some reason, i'm always picking on him about something. when my alarm goes off, he ACTUALLY finishes off the words to the camp anawana song which is a BIG PLUS. i was impressed. before starbucks, we kind of just walked next to each other and randomly bumped each other. but after we got up to walk to the movies, we walked with his arm around me.
in the theater, we told the other person to find a seat and that we didn't care. we were holding hands and just stood on the stairs FOREVER! we were both being stubborn about picking a seat. finally, he pointed to one and i told him that looked good. now i'm not really into making out while a good movie is playing but we would randomly kiss and then look up to funny parts. i mean, we didn't do it THAT much but i'm sure we missed a handful of jokes or funny scenes. and when we would, he would apologize. it was funny how we incessantly apologized to each other all night long. while we were kissing, it suddenly hit me. this wasn't those "hey it's fun kissing you" deal. i was actually starting to like this guy. it kinda freaked me out. my head kept screaming "best date ever!" i guess it's just cuz we get along so well PLUS the chemistry. seriously, i am not that into muscles but his are so hot. no really. his body is rock hard and i had my hand on his arm and he accidentally flexed it cuz he moved his hand to cup my face and i FELT it! i had to stop and giggle a little bit. i couldn't even believe it.
when we drove home, i realized he opens doors. i just never noticed because it was so seamless into the whole date. also he pays for everything. i'm into that. i usually feel uncomfortable when guys do that, but i really appreciated it especially since i'm practically broke. so we get out of the car and he gives me a really cute innocent kiss goodbye and i ask him if he has to be home yet. when he told me no, i actually suggested going into the car and making out. i wasn't even slick and said "talking" or something. obviously he does not turn me down and he holds my hand and walks me to my door. it wasn't even all making out. we're both so talkative that we'd kiss and talk about something then the other person would say something cute or interesting that we'd kiss again. oh my god, it was awesome! the best part is i never felt pressured to go any further than make out.
he suggested we hang out again cuz he had fun and i agreed. he has his daughter this weekend so i'm guessing next weekend or during the week. i warned him that next weekend was my last weekend before my fri/sat class. he immediately suggested we go to knotts scary farm and i was excited because i've been wanting to go and i was gonna say something to him but thought he might find it too soon. i like him making future plans cuz maybe i'll hang out with this guy a little more. i kinda don't wanna get my hopes up and i'm really trying to watch what i say or do to scare him off.
right now i'm enjoying this beginning. eventually i might ruin it all or he might ruin it for himself. either way, i know i like someone again and not just because he's hot or a good kisser but cuz we have so much fun together. it is only the beginning and things are always beautiful in the beginning but who cares. i'm happy and i guess that's all that matters.
p.s.
i woke up with a text:
I had a good time. Thanks! Good night
isn't that something i should be saying? i mean, he paid for everything and gave me the time of my life. even though it's simple, it brought a smile to my face.
this heart of mine was broken at 8:17:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
not tonight
Dear heart,
i don't know what it is but when i don't get immediate reponses for texts or calls to james- i start having minor panic attacks where i swear he's changed his mind about me. but i've played it cool and never let him see how unglued i get. and of course, eventually he calls and soothes all my worries giving me more evidence at how truly paranoid i can be for no reason. it is anty day today so i was kinda mopey with her because he hadn't called me back yet. then he calls me while we're at ross and i guess he's had a looooong day at work. we joke about random things and i kinda wanted to stay on the phone but i didn't want to be rude so i asked if i could just call him later. and he said definitely. it turns out i JUST got done right now watching legally blonde the musical with anty and he doesn't pick up because he's probably already sleeping. i know he has work at 4:30 in the morning and i'm sure he usually stays up till 12 when i make him lose track of time talking to me.
i remember we were talking about how we noticed right after we got off the phone that we talked for 3 hours when it seemed so much less. it's funny how he brought it up and was surprised to find i knew exactly what he meant. i miss our nightly chat. i know its only been 2 days in a row but i was looking forward to 3 in a row. i don't regret spending all that time with anty at all but i just wish he coulda stayed up a little longer. i need to stop being selfish. hopefully i talk to him tomorrow and we go out soon... *cross my fingers it'll be tomorrow. i just wanna get this first date over and done with. i feel like each day the anxiety just builds because we have such a fantastic time over the phone and seeing each other is just out of arms reach. it's going to be either tomorrow or thursday but i want it tomorrow so i can see him once this weekend without having it seem excessive. a day or two in between dates is just what it needs to keep it exciting and even have us slightly maybe even miss each other.
argh i guess i should just go to bed...
i don't know what it is but when i don't get immediate reponses for texts or calls to james- i start having minor panic attacks where i swear he's changed his mind about me. but i've played it cool and never let him see how unglued i get. and of course, eventually he calls and soothes all my worries giving me more evidence at how truly paranoid i can be for no reason. it is anty day today so i was kinda mopey with her because he hadn't called me back yet. then he calls me while we're at ross and i guess he's had a looooong day at work. we joke about random things and i kinda wanted to stay on the phone but i didn't want to be rude so i asked if i could just call him later. and he said definitely. it turns out i JUST got done right now watching legally blonde the musical with anty and he doesn't pick up because he's probably already sleeping. i know he has work at 4:30 in the morning and i'm sure he usually stays up till 12 when i make him lose track of time talking to me.
i remember we were talking about how we noticed right after we got off the phone that we talked for 3 hours when it seemed so much less. it's funny how he brought it up and was surprised to find i knew exactly what he meant. i miss our nightly chat. i know its only been 2 days in a row but i was looking forward to 3 in a row. i don't regret spending all that time with anty at all but i just wish he coulda stayed up a little longer. i need to stop being selfish. hopefully i talk to him tomorrow and we go out soon... *cross my fingers it'll be tomorrow. i just wanna get this first date over and done with. i feel like each day the anxiety just builds because we have such a fantastic time over the phone and seeing each other is just out of arms reach. it's going to be either tomorrow or thursday but i want it tomorrow so i can see him once this weekend without having it seem excessive. a day or two in between dates is just what it needs to keep it exciting and even have us slightly maybe even miss each other.
argh i guess i should just go to bed...
this heart of mine was broken at 12:14:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
pluses and minuses
Dear heart,
so i met a guy named james at belmont station. it's kinda funny HOW we started talking though i didn't realize it at the time. some random asian guy tells me that his friend thinks i'm cute- and i don't know who he pointed out or why he'd say that since james didn't even know him but the first person i saw was james so i introduce myself to him. we start dancing and talking, and i'm confident this whole time cuz i think this guy asked his friend to tell me he thought i was cute. but in reality, this was not the case.
so anyway, i've been talking to him lately. we have yet to hang out but being on the phone seems so fun- it seems impossible to imagine any other way with him. i actually thought he didn't want to talk to me because although he had my number- he didn't call me the next day. i even texted him and no reply. then i get a call on sunday and apparantly he left his phone at the gym and he barely got it back that day. i was relieved and he even teased me about how i almost sounded worried about him not calling me back. i was actually INCREDIBLY disappointed when i thought i'd never see him again. not only was he attractive, he didn't seem like a horny bastard.
last night we talked for 3 hours. he mentions that he hasn't talked to anyone on the phone like that in a really long time. i guess we get really into things because he tells me that he has a 7 year old daughter named avery. normally, this would freak me out but it just seems so insignificant when he seems so damn awesome! some of the things he tells me about himself, i know he's not proud of but i really appreciate the honesty. i guess he finds it relieving too.
then he calls me after he plays basketball today but i had to watch the recorded HEROES so i told him i'd call him back. when we started talking, time just goes by so fast. he has to wake up at 4:30 in the morning cuz he does construction so keeping him up until 1:30 is not the nicest thing for me to do, except he doesn't want to get off the phone. i'm kinda scared that he doesn't remember what i look like or he has some prettier verison of how i really look in his head. i mean, hey it was dark. you never know. we've been trying to plan our first date but we have discovered that we are both over-analytical and indecisive which is the worst combo ever! so we sit and talk about all the possibilites of our outings but can't reach concrete decisions.
this is what we've come up with so far: ice cream, walking around, and movies at the long beach town center. we're not sure if we should go out on wed or thursday because obviously we both say "it doesn't matter what day." he was going to send me a picture of him tomorrow just in case i forgot what he looked like but decided against it since he thought finding each other would be far more interesting. just the thought of it was already giving me anxiety but in a way, i like that. it's exciting which means he's exciting and i'm down with exciting. it's been awhile since i've had a decent conversation with a guy i was attracted to. anthony is just cute but cannot carry a conversation to save his life. i have guy friends who i can talk to for days but i wouldn't touch em with a 10 foot pole.
the thing is i hope its not too soon. i know i'm not completely over troy but i'm not going to let this guy slip away until that happens. who knows when the day will come where i don't miss troy. but who knows if that day comes that i'll meet a guy who can keep my interest, make me laugh, make me feel smart and funny and pretty at the same time... while being freaking hot! it's just rare.
i guess his only minus is the kid thing. it seemed a bigger deal before i talked to brenda but she made me realize, the baby momma isn't even in the picture and i love kids anyway. plus that means he wouldn't want a kid from me so i wouldn't hafto go to the physical pain to give him one. not that i'm thinking of the possibilites of marrying this guy to have a conversation like that or anything. i'm just saying. when he talks about his daughter, it sounds so adorable and it's not like something like an obstacle. i know i have an issue of being number one and the only one... but if i had to share my pedestal with anyone, i'd rather it be his little girl to sit on my lap.
BEST LINE of the moment:
"Just because you can heal, Claire, doesn't mean i want to see you get hurt." or something like that. (HEROES)
so i met a guy named james at belmont station. it's kinda funny HOW we started talking though i didn't realize it at the time. some random asian guy tells me that his friend thinks i'm cute- and i don't know who he pointed out or why he'd say that since james didn't even know him but the first person i saw was james so i introduce myself to him. we start dancing and talking, and i'm confident this whole time cuz i think this guy asked his friend to tell me he thought i was cute. but in reality, this was not the case.
so anyway, i've been talking to him lately. we have yet to hang out but being on the phone seems so fun- it seems impossible to imagine any other way with him. i actually thought he didn't want to talk to me because although he had my number- he didn't call me the next day. i even texted him and no reply. then i get a call on sunday and apparantly he left his phone at the gym and he barely got it back that day. i was relieved and he even teased me about how i almost sounded worried about him not calling me back. i was actually INCREDIBLY disappointed when i thought i'd never see him again. not only was he attractive, he didn't seem like a horny bastard.
last night we talked for 3 hours. he mentions that he hasn't talked to anyone on the phone like that in a really long time. i guess we get really into things because he tells me that he has a 7 year old daughter named avery. normally, this would freak me out but it just seems so insignificant when he seems so damn awesome! some of the things he tells me about himself, i know he's not proud of but i really appreciate the honesty. i guess he finds it relieving too.
then he calls me after he plays basketball today but i had to watch the recorded HEROES so i told him i'd call him back. when we started talking, time just goes by so fast. he has to wake up at 4:30 in the morning cuz he does construction so keeping him up until 1:30 is not the nicest thing for me to do, except he doesn't want to get off the phone. i'm kinda scared that he doesn't remember what i look like or he has some prettier verison of how i really look in his head. i mean, hey it was dark. you never know. we've been trying to plan our first date but we have discovered that we are both over-analytical and indecisive which is the worst combo ever! so we sit and talk about all the possibilites of our outings but can't reach concrete decisions.
this is what we've come up with so far: ice cream, walking around, and movies at the long beach town center. we're not sure if we should go out on wed or thursday because obviously we both say "it doesn't matter what day." he was going to send me a picture of him tomorrow just in case i forgot what he looked like but decided against it since he thought finding each other would be far more interesting. just the thought of it was already giving me anxiety but in a way, i like that. it's exciting which means he's exciting and i'm down with exciting. it's been awhile since i've had a decent conversation with a guy i was attracted to. anthony is just cute but cannot carry a conversation to save his life. i have guy friends who i can talk to for days but i wouldn't touch em with a 10 foot pole.
the thing is i hope its not too soon. i know i'm not completely over troy but i'm not going to let this guy slip away until that happens. who knows when the day will come where i don't miss troy. but who knows if that day comes that i'll meet a guy who can keep my interest, make me laugh, make me feel smart and funny and pretty at the same time... while being freaking hot! it's just rare.
i guess his only minus is the kid thing. it seemed a bigger deal before i talked to brenda but she made me realize, the baby momma isn't even in the picture and i love kids anyway. plus that means he wouldn't want a kid from me so i wouldn't hafto go to the physical pain to give him one. not that i'm thinking of the possibilites of marrying this guy to have a conversation like that or anything. i'm just saying. when he talks about his daughter, it sounds so adorable and it's not like something like an obstacle. i know i have an issue of being number one and the only one... but if i had to share my pedestal with anyone, i'd rather it be his little girl to sit on my lap.
BEST LINE of the moment:
"Just because you can heal, Claire, doesn't mean i want to see you get hurt." or something like that. (HEROES)
this heart of mine was broken at 12:44:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, October 08, 2007
quarter life crisis?
Dear heart,
They call it the"Quarter-life Crisis"
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and
start realizing that there are many things about
yourself that you didn't know and may not like.
You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be
in a year or two, but then get scared because you
barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that,
maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close
to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever
met, and the people you have lost
touch with are some of the most important ones.
What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that
too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere,
but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to
what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are
looking for a job and realizing that you are going to
have to start at the bottom and that scares you
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others
are doing and find yourself judging more than usual
because suddenly you realize that you have certain
boundaries in your life and are constantly adding
things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.
One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.
You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life.
You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly,
change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past
with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting
further and further away, and there is nothing to do but
stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you
loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed
and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that
you want to get to know better.
Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and
cannot figure out why you are doing this because you
know that you aren't a bad person.
One night stands and random hook ups start to look
cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look
pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over
and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics
because you cannot seem to make a decision.
You worry about loans, money, the future and making a
life for yourself... and while winning the race would
be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this
relates to it. We are in our best of times and our
worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this
whole thing out.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human,
enough hope to make you happy.
AM I GOING THROUGH THIS?!
They call it the"Quarter-life Crisis"
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and
start realizing that there are many things about
yourself that you didn't know and may not like.
You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be
in a year or two, but then get scared because you
barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that,
maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close
to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever
met, and the people you have lost
touch with are some of the most important ones.
What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that
too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere,
but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to
what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are
looking for a job and realizing that you are going to
have to start at the bottom and that scares you
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others
are doing and find yourself judging more than usual
because suddenly you realize that you have certain
boundaries in your life and are constantly adding
things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.
One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.
You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life.
You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly,
change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past
with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting
further and further away, and there is nothing to do but
stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you
loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed
and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that
you want to get to know better.
Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and
cannot figure out why you are doing this because you
know that you aren't a bad person.
One night stands and random hook ups start to look
cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look
pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over
and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics
because you cannot seem to make a decision.
You worry about loans, money, the future and making a
life for yourself... and while winning the race would
be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this
relates to it. We are in our best of times and our
worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this
whole thing out.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human,
enough hope to make you happy.
AM I GOING THROUGH THIS?!
this heart of mine was broken at 8:35:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, September 17, 2007
too much for a monday
Dear heart,
this morning started out decently enough. i hung out with joana and since i took the day off for my academic advising, i pretty much spent breaks with her. anyway for lunch we get hungry so we head to chronic tacos. i get a text from david and he said he tried to call me but i didn't answer. wtf?! when was that?! of course i get pretty excited. i mean after all, this was the guy i purposely waited around for while pretending to meet lara after class. i lived off getting a hello and once i got a hug from him. i just freeze up with him though so the chance is just blown with that simple fact. anyway, i don't know we exchanged numbers. it was probably a little after or maybe before my accident. either way, we got each others number and never utilized it. i think anty and i visited him at work once. he's just so damn gorgeous that i'm just get completely brain dead when i'm around him. back to his text- so i call him and he starts talking like a nervous kid and i can't understand why he, of all people, would be nervous talking to me. i remember he left me a comment on myspace in the beginning of school mentioning seeing me at school with a question mark.
i'm not dumb. i'm sure he is quite the womanizer. i mean, LOOK AT HIM! but at that second, i don't think of such negativity. i tell him that i'm eating at chronic tacos and he asks me where it is. i figured he wanted to know for future reference. then he says something like i'll meet you up there then. i was so stunned that i was just like "um, ok." when i hung up, i squealed out loud to joana. so he comes by and i see him go inside. i turn my head and pretend i don't see him. i don't want to go chasing some guy. so then i see the reflection in the window that he is coming up behind me and he squeezes my shoulders. normal reaction= flinch in fear of pain in the collarbone area, actual reaction= just happy he is actually touching me, see how retarded my reflexes are! i just thought of how he called his phone retarded and it just seems odd that he would use that word. i guess i just have him on this pedestal that any human-like attribute seems out of this world.
then i introduce him to joana. he asks for a hug and gives me a hug. if he wasn't there, i would seriously have screamed. haha he's very talkative and asks me a bunch of questions, which i found much wittier answers to when he left. i was scared to talk because i thought there might be food in my mouth since i JUST ate. then he said he was going to an angel's game and that he had to start his homework. we said our farewell and guess what? ANOTHER HUG! you can't even imagine how effin happy i was at this point. he told me to call him on tuesday/thursdays so we could do lunch. these are times that i actually just wanna quit work. then he leaves and i see that he has a mustang and not the truck i had hoped for. i finally let all my excitement out to joana and regret not mentioning that i love the angels. damn!
then it went downhill from there. i realized 2 classes i was taking counted double so now i need to find 2 classes to replace them pronto! while i was being frantic, i just wanted to give up like i always did. unfortunately, in all my worrying i lost this book i was avidly reading. thankfully the class i tried to add was very interesting and hilarious.
i wrote a bunch of angry poems that i am proud of. more of i-give-up poems. those are always better than the pathetic hopeful ones i've been writing. i should sleep or do something more productive. blah.
this morning started out decently enough. i hung out with joana and since i took the day off for my academic advising, i pretty much spent breaks with her. anyway for lunch we get hungry so we head to chronic tacos. i get a text from david and he said he tried to call me but i didn't answer. wtf?! when was that?! of course i get pretty excited. i mean after all, this was the guy i purposely waited around for while pretending to meet lara after class. i lived off getting a hello and once i got a hug from him. i just freeze up with him though so the chance is just blown with that simple fact. anyway, i don't know we exchanged numbers. it was probably a little after or maybe before my accident. either way, we got each others number and never utilized it. i think anty and i visited him at work once. he's just so damn gorgeous that i'm just get completely brain dead when i'm around him. back to his text- so i call him and he starts talking like a nervous kid and i can't understand why he, of all people, would be nervous talking to me. i remember he left me a comment on myspace in the beginning of school mentioning seeing me at school with a question mark.
i'm not dumb. i'm sure he is quite the womanizer. i mean, LOOK AT HIM! but at that second, i don't think of such negativity. i tell him that i'm eating at chronic tacos and he asks me where it is. i figured he wanted to know for future reference. then he says something like i'll meet you up there then. i was so stunned that i was just like "um, ok." when i hung up, i squealed out loud to joana. so he comes by and i see him go inside. i turn my head and pretend i don't see him. i don't want to go chasing some guy. so then i see the reflection in the window that he is coming up behind me and he squeezes my shoulders. normal reaction= flinch in fear of pain in the collarbone area, actual reaction= just happy he is actually touching me, see how retarded my reflexes are! i just thought of how he called his phone retarded and it just seems odd that he would use that word. i guess i just have him on this pedestal that any human-like attribute seems out of this world.
then i introduce him to joana. he asks for a hug and gives me a hug. if he wasn't there, i would seriously have screamed. haha he's very talkative and asks me a bunch of questions, which i found much wittier answers to when he left. i was scared to talk because i thought there might be food in my mouth since i JUST ate. then he said he was going to an angel's game and that he had to start his homework. we said our farewell and guess what? ANOTHER HUG! you can't even imagine how effin happy i was at this point. he told me to call him on tuesday/thursdays so we could do lunch. these are times that i actually just wanna quit work. then he leaves and i see that he has a mustang and not the truck i had hoped for. i finally let all my excitement out to joana and regret not mentioning that i love the angels. damn!
then it went downhill from there. i realized 2 classes i was taking counted double so now i need to find 2 classes to replace them pronto! while i was being frantic, i just wanted to give up like i always did. unfortunately, in all my worrying i lost this book i was avidly reading. thankfully the class i tried to add was very interesting and hilarious.
i wrote a bunch of angry poems that i am proud of. more of i-give-up poems. those are always better than the pathetic hopeful ones i've been writing. i should sleep or do something more productive. blah.
this heart of mine was broken at 11:00:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
easier said than done
Dear heart,
i thought i accepted this whole thing. then he left and i suddenly became emotionally unstable yet again. i hate that crap. why can't i stop being such a damn girl all the time?
i went with him to metro today. he didn't even mean to but sometimes he smiles and it kills me. i forgot what he was smiling about but i had to look away because it just made me so f*cking sad. i couldn't stand it. i just thought about how i first came to love him. i didn't realize it at the time and i just figured i was crazy. i thought the vince thing was giving me nutty ideas. but that almost all-nighter we pulled in his car talking about god-knows-what made me completely confused. it made me want to see him more and more because it just felt so right to be around this stranger.
i can't cry at work. it just looks so unprofessional and psychotic. but right when his hand waved goodbye to me for the last time- it just hit me. this was the end and he was leaving- not only work but me. i never really thought that was possible. i guess i just always imagined him coming up with some heroic gesture so we could live happily ever after like we were supposed to.
i try to tell myself over and over again that i only love him as a friend now and that i have moved on. then i prove myself wrong and i realize i haven't moved at all. rather i'm just standing there looking pathetic and missing him even more. it hurts and there's a lump in my throat. i wish i knew he shared this pain because maybe that would ease it somehow. but he just seems so- like he doesn't even care about me anymore. like this whole thing doesn't even bother him. he's gonna miss me, right? am i that forgetable? am i that easy to walk away from? it doesn't even hurt him just a little? damn! tears at work again! i'm so OVER this crying at my desk bullsh*t! i'm recycling a rough paper napkin with a phone number written on it.
i am just so very devestated and i really have no one to talk to about it. i wish i could share my sorrows with someone. antoinette would just tell me to get over it. sometimes i'd talk about troy and she'd just throw up her hands in defeat like "you guys broke up!" i wouldn't be able to discuss with anthony, either. he just gets all weird about me emotional at all.
when i hugged him, i wanted to be eevie from that 90's show "out of this world" so i could stop time and i was allowed to hug him as long as i want. but i was no half alien girl. i was just me and i had to let go or i was going to give away how much i really didn't want him to go at all. i just feel so lost right now. i thought being completely busy would take my mind away from all this but when i have two seconds to myself, my thoughts are drawn back to him. it's stupid- i KNOW! it's like that divine lyric "i try to get you out of my head but the more that i try, you're back in my mind again."
possible poem ideas:
i miss him like a flower under a blanket of snow would miss the sun.
i want him like a dried up river bank longs for the rain.
break ups suck in general but losing someone you love can really shake things up. it's just so devestating. boys come and go but love really doesn't come knock on my door very often. and it couldn't even stay long. what's wrong with me? why do i ruin everything? i told troy once to never give up on me. in a way, he has.
i still remember this one time i started crying because i remembered how much michael hurt me and how lucky i was to have troy. (i hid under my desk so no one would pass by and see me cry. it was kind of silly but it worked.) i remember being cradled in his arms and i knew i wanted to stay there forever. it feels so scary to be without him. i know its possible to live without him but i don't even want to imagine it. he was the one i told all my problems to. i still want to do that and i hope he doesn't just abandon me completely. the only problem is that who do i talk to about him? not to him, obviously. i guess it will have to be you. you will return to being my only comfort. maybe that's why i haven't written in you the whole time i was with troy. because i never needed to. i shared everything with him. even when i was frustrated with him- i'd talk to him about it.
not only did i lose a boyfriend, a lover, a companion- i lost my other half, my best friend. there's this song called shirts and gloves where it says "it seems like nothings happened until i've shared them with you." that was written for troy and they didn't even know it.
i wish i was over this but it actually is easier said than done.
i thought i accepted this whole thing. then he left and i suddenly became emotionally unstable yet again. i hate that crap. why can't i stop being such a damn girl all the time?
i went with him to metro today. he didn't even mean to but sometimes he smiles and it kills me. i forgot what he was smiling about but i had to look away because it just made me so f*cking sad. i couldn't stand it. i just thought about how i first came to love him. i didn't realize it at the time and i just figured i was crazy. i thought the vince thing was giving me nutty ideas. but that almost all-nighter we pulled in his car talking about god-knows-what made me completely confused. it made me want to see him more and more because it just felt so right to be around this stranger.
i can't cry at work. it just looks so unprofessional and psychotic. but right when his hand waved goodbye to me for the last time- it just hit me. this was the end and he was leaving- not only work but me. i never really thought that was possible. i guess i just always imagined him coming up with some heroic gesture so we could live happily ever after like we were supposed to.
i try to tell myself over and over again that i only love him as a friend now and that i have moved on. then i prove myself wrong and i realize i haven't moved at all. rather i'm just standing there looking pathetic and missing him even more. it hurts and there's a lump in my throat. i wish i knew he shared this pain because maybe that would ease it somehow. but he just seems so- like he doesn't even care about me anymore. like this whole thing doesn't even bother him. he's gonna miss me, right? am i that forgetable? am i that easy to walk away from? it doesn't even hurt him just a little? damn! tears at work again! i'm so OVER this crying at my desk bullsh*t! i'm recycling a rough paper napkin with a phone number written on it.
i am just so very devestated and i really have no one to talk to about it. i wish i could share my sorrows with someone. antoinette would just tell me to get over it. sometimes i'd talk about troy and she'd just throw up her hands in defeat like "you guys broke up!" i wouldn't be able to discuss with anthony, either. he just gets all weird about me emotional at all.
when i hugged him, i wanted to be eevie from that 90's show "out of this world" so i could stop time and i was allowed to hug him as long as i want. but i was no half alien girl. i was just me and i had to let go or i was going to give away how much i really didn't want him to go at all. i just feel so lost right now. i thought being completely busy would take my mind away from all this but when i have two seconds to myself, my thoughts are drawn back to him. it's stupid- i KNOW! it's like that divine lyric "i try to get you out of my head but the more that i try, you're back in my mind again."
possible poem ideas:
i miss him like a flower under a blanket of snow would miss the sun.
i want him like a dried up river bank longs for the rain.
break ups suck in general but losing someone you love can really shake things up. it's just so devestating. boys come and go but love really doesn't come knock on my door very often. and it couldn't even stay long. what's wrong with me? why do i ruin everything? i told troy once to never give up on me. in a way, he has.
i still remember this one time i started crying because i remembered how much michael hurt me and how lucky i was to have troy. (i hid under my desk so no one would pass by and see me cry. it was kind of silly but it worked.) i remember being cradled in his arms and i knew i wanted to stay there forever. it feels so scary to be without him. i know its possible to live without him but i don't even want to imagine it. he was the one i told all my problems to. i still want to do that and i hope he doesn't just abandon me completely. the only problem is that who do i talk to about him? not to him, obviously. i guess it will have to be you. you will return to being my only comfort. maybe that's why i haven't written in you the whole time i was with troy. because i never needed to. i shared everything with him. even when i was frustrated with him- i'd talk to him about it.
not only did i lose a boyfriend, a lover, a companion- i lost my other half, my best friend. there's this song called shirts and gloves where it says "it seems like nothings happened until i've shared them with you." that was written for troy and they didn't even know it.
i wish i was over this but it actually is easier said than done.
this heart of mine was broken at 4:36:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, September 10, 2007
unexpectations from anthony
Dear heart,
things with anthony are so strange. like he always acts very platonic then drops bombs when i don't see it coming. we went to eat on saturday and a converstion went like this:
him: i'm really excited!
me: why? cuz you're eating sumi salad?
him: no because i get to hang out with you.
me: ookkk.... you swear.
him: no, really. i haven't seen you in a long time.
me: well, you sure don't act like it.
him: just because i don't act like it, doesn't mean i don't feel it.
me: that's true.
then random conversations about him washing and vaccuming his car because he was gonna see me. i laughed at him because i always think its a joke but he's serious. he mentions that he's always trying to impress me. it was almost adorable that mr. popularity wanted to impress lil ol me. anyway, we end up watching mr. beans holiday and though i thought he would hate it- we laughed throughout the entire movie. then last night he came by after some date. he wanted to come inside to say hi to my parents but i told him it was too late. he just parked in my driveway and we talked for a bit. he told me i looked pretty cuz i hardly had any make-up on. when guys tell me that crap, i always think they are full of it.
then today we went to borders and anna's linens. i wanted to buy a candle and look at books. i think i've been seeing him way too much. i guess i'm trying to occupy my time as i waited for troy's response. hanging out with anthony helped me realize that there was life after love. i had friends. and maybe eventually troy would be my friend. i love him so much and i never want to lose him. it's weird but i think i was in love with troy but not crazy about him. i don't know how to explain that but i was thinking about it when driving home. i haven't been crazy about someone since... michael? i guess being crazy about someone is just never getting enough of someone even after the first couple of months.
anyway, the 20th is coming and that is 100 days. i can't believe anthony was right that it wouldn't last that long. i could have bet my life on it that we would have still been together for AT LEAST christmas time. actually, i really never saw it end with troy and now it has and i must move on.
random troy thought:
it's funny how he says it can never work with me yet he lusts over some girl who will never even love him. i was being my stalker self and looking through her page and saw this guy call her babe. i clicked on the plain looking mexican guy and saw one of her comments to him was i love you in german. i know she will never say that to him yet he holds on for a chance at that unrequited love. life is funny like that, i guess. i hope he misses me forever. i hope he misses me more than her. i hope he regrets every day not being with me. sounds like its time for another poem. but this time- no pathetic "take me back" crap. just pure sadness, hurt, and anger is always the best recipe in my poems.
i'm taking thursday off just because. i think i shall work on my storytelling projects then maybe spend it with anthony since its his day off. i think i will call him right now to confirm. go to bed! this has been one loooong day! but i am proud of your 37 minute cardio and 40 crunches both sides, and 40 normal ab crunches. working out is the best when you're stressed!
things with anthony are so strange. like he always acts very platonic then drops bombs when i don't see it coming. we went to eat on saturday and a converstion went like this:
him: i'm really excited!
me: why? cuz you're eating sumi salad?
him: no because i get to hang out with you.
me: ookkk.... you swear.
him: no, really. i haven't seen you in a long time.
me: well, you sure don't act like it.
him: just because i don't act like it, doesn't mean i don't feel it.
me: that's true.
then random conversations about him washing and vaccuming his car because he was gonna see me. i laughed at him because i always think its a joke but he's serious. he mentions that he's always trying to impress me. it was almost adorable that mr. popularity wanted to impress lil ol me. anyway, we end up watching mr. beans holiday and though i thought he would hate it- we laughed throughout the entire movie. then last night he came by after some date. he wanted to come inside to say hi to my parents but i told him it was too late. he just parked in my driveway and we talked for a bit. he told me i looked pretty cuz i hardly had any make-up on. when guys tell me that crap, i always think they are full of it.
then today we went to borders and anna's linens. i wanted to buy a candle and look at books. i think i've been seeing him way too much. i guess i'm trying to occupy my time as i waited for troy's response. hanging out with anthony helped me realize that there was life after love. i had friends. and maybe eventually troy would be my friend. i love him so much and i never want to lose him. it's weird but i think i was in love with troy but not crazy about him. i don't know how to explain that but i was thinking about it when driving home. i haven't been crazy about someone since... michael? i guess being crazy about someone is just never getting enough of someone even after the first couple of months.
anyway, the 20th is coming and that is 100 days. i can't believe anthony was right that it wouldn't last that long. i could have bet my life on it that we would have still been together for AT LEAST christmas time. actually, i really never saw it end with troy and now it has and i must move on.
random troy thought:
it's funny how he says it can never work with me yet he lusts over some girl who will never even love him. i was being my stalker self and looking through her page and saw this guy call her babe. i clicked on the plain looking mexican guy and saw one of her comments to him was i love you in german. i know she will never say that to him yet he holds on for a chance at that unrequited love. life is funny like that, i guess. i hope he misses me forever. i hope he misses me more than her. i hope he regrets every day not being with me. sounds like its time for another poem. but this time- no pathetic "take me back" crap. just pure sadness, hurt, and anger is always the best recipe in my poems.
i'm taking thursday off just because. i think i shall work on my storytelling projects then maybe spend it with anthony since its his day off. i think i will call him right now to confirm. go to bed! this has been one loooong day! but i am proud of your 37 minute cardio and 40 crunches both sides, and 40 normal ab crunches. working out is the best when you're stressed!
this heart of mine was broken at 10:39:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
it must have been love, but its over now
Dear heart,
it's funny when you put yourself out there and just get run over by a bus. i guess my motto of "i don't do love" should remain with me. i wrote troy that letter out of frutration and pms. its like i already knew what the response would be especially how he was acting but i was just holding on for a little hope.
i watched "sex and the city" last night. the whole mr. big and aidan thing totally remind me of anthony and troy. first of all, mr. big was this aloof guy who completely broke carrie's heart and one day she just got fed up with it. similarly, anthony's non-relationship label just got old after awhile. hence enters aidan, or in my case troy. awesome guy who just loved you the way you needed to be loved. then carrie and i just screw it up! carrie slept with mr. big and i made out with some co-worker at a party. then the break up. well the episode i saw last night was this one where she sees aidan after awhile and admits that she really misses him. she blurts out that she wants to get back with him and he says "sh*t, i knew you were gonna say something like that. i was ok with the friend thing but i don't think i can do a relationship again." so anyway, she leaves and then comes back because she is sure aidan still feels the same. she awkwardly asks him why not and he screams at her "you broke my HEART!" she runs off and he's all, "carrie, wait!" next thing you know he comes over, without words they just make love. then he starts to act aloof. she repeats that she still loves him and wants him as a boyfriend. he says he needs to think of it. then the next scene is him saying ok and asks carrie to go for a walk with him and his dog.
what a big surprise my life didn't turn out like the movie. damn movie that gave me false hope. it made me think "maybe... if carrie got aidan back and she screwed the love of her life, why couldn't i get a break from a drunken kiss?" but i guess this is for the best. now i can move on. allow myself to not feel guilty if a guy happened to fall onto my lap. i know whatever it is i might fall into next won't come close to love like that. i've had relationships but really- love only happens a couple of times. in my case, i feel like this is my 1.5 times of actual love i've experienced in my life. i think the beginning with bryce was love and turned into a pile of crap. michael can't count as love although i loved him very much. whatever that was will not even come close to love. that was a twisted attachment and dependency thing. now troy- that's what love looked like. i guess most of the time i didn't want to believe it because it was so sureal. like that 80's song goes, "it must have been love, but its over now. it must have been good, but i lost it somehow." i am sad but not as torn apart as i expected to be. i guess because i was already preparing myself for its coming.
i'm glad anthony didn't "allow" me to check my text message when we were out. i think that would have really made me more eager to go home.
it's funny when you put yourself out there and just get run over by a bus. i guess my motto of "i don't do love" should remain with me. i wrote troy that letter out of frutration and pms. its like i already knew what the response would be especially how he was acting but i was just holding on for a little hope.
i watched "sex and the city" last night. the whole mr. big and aidan thing totally remind me of anthony and troy. first of all, mr. big was this aloof guy who completely broke carrie's heart and one day she just got fed up with it. similarly, anthony's non-relationship label just got old after awhile. hence enters aidan, or in my case troy. awesome guy who just loved you the way you needed to be loved. then carrie and i just screw it up! carrie slept with mr. big and i made out with some co-worker at a party. then the break up. well the episode i saw last night was this one where she sees aidan after awhile and admits that she really misses him. she blurts out that she wants to get back with him and he says "sh*t, i knew you were gonna say something like that. i was ok with the friend thing but i don't think i can do a relationship again." so anyway, she leaves and then comes back because she is sure aidan still feels the same. she awkwardly asks him why not and he screams at her "you broke my HEART!" she runs off and he's all, "carrie, wait!" next thing you know he comes over, without words they just make love. then he starts to act aloof. she repeats that she still loves him and wants him as a boyfriend. he says he needs to think of it. then the next scene is him saying ok and asks carrie to go for a walk with him and his dog.
what a big surprise my life didn't turn out like the movie. damn movie that gave me false hope. it made me think "maybe... if carrie got aidan back and she screwed the love of her life, why couldn't i get a break from a drunken kiss?" but i guess this is for the best. now i can move on. allow myself to not feel guilty if a guy happened to fall onto my lap. i know whatever it is i might fall into next won't come close to love like that. i've had relationships but really- love only happens a couple of times. in my case, i feel like this is my 1.5 times of actual love i've experienced in my life. i think the beginning with bryce was love and turned into a pile of crap. michael can't count as love although i loved him very much. whatever that was will not even come close to love. that was a twisted attachment and dependency thing. now troy- that's what love looked like. i guess most of the time i didn't want to believe it because it was so sureal. like that 80's song goes, "it must have been love, but its over now. it must have been good, but i lost it somehow." i am sad but not as torn apart as i expected to be. i guess because i was already preparing myself for its coming.
i'm glad anthony didn't "allow" me to check my text message when we were out. i think that would have really made me more eager to go home.
this heart of mine was broken at 10:21:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, September 03, 2007
the mistake
Dear heart,
it amazes me how someone you hardly know can write something so accurate of how your situation is that it feels like they've read your heart...
What is it that you call me
When you’re alone with him
And how could you forget me
After all we meant
I was your happy ending
And you were my escape
But now I’m just a memory
And you a big mistake
So tell me did you see the changes coming
Was I only here to hold on to
While you made you choices like a movie
That’s playing things that no one ever ever knew
Except for you
And I could use some company right now
And I could be alive if I knew how
But you left me all alone and now I’m blind
To all the things that I once had in mind
To all the things that I have left behind
By: Brandon
it amazes me how someone you hardly know can write something so accurate of how your situation is that it feels like they've read your heart...
What is it that you call me
When you’re alone with him
And how could you forget me
After all we meant
I was your happy ending
And you were my escape
But now I’m just a memory
And you a big mistake
So tell me did you see the changes coming
Was I only here to hold on to
While you made you choices like a movie
That’s playing things that no one ever ever knew
Except for you
And I could use some company right now
And I could be alive if I knew how
But you left me all alone and now I’m blind
To all the things that I once had in mind
To all the things that I have left behind
By: Brandon
this heart of mine was broken at 10:46:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
green-eyed monsters and other evils
Dear heart,
yes, yes i realize i have not written in you in forever. since the troy thing happened, i haven't really had much to complain about so i didn't need you to vent. as usual, there are normal inconveniences of work piling up like pancakes in front of an anorexic but life is moderately stable. the only thing with troy is trying to hide it from everyone while we wear puppy dog looks and i-love-you eyes for each other. but that's not why i'm writing to you.
it's dumb. i don't know why it's bothering me so much. it shouldn't even matter but it does for some reason. so chris is "in a relationship." there's always a certain slap-in-the-fac feeling when someone you used to love is with someone else. i'm not saying i'm in love with him now but maybe in the back of my mind i always figured he'd be the one for me. i know now that meeting someone like troy has obviously changed my mind about a lot of things but... still. it's human to be selfish. i have my savings account so i can go to chicago one day and visit him. i guess i figured knowing him this long- something has to come out in the end. i havn't even met him and he's made me feel things that most guys here aren't even close to making me feel.
i feel like its kharma! troy has this girl he used to "love" named jenna who he met online. i'm sure she felt as i did when she found out troy has a gf AND lost his virginity to me. i am well aware that all kinds of jealousy must have sprouted. but you don't understand! i am the queen of jealousy! everyone at work is asking me what's wrong because i'm so quiet. it's all i can think of. even before when i thought there was a possibility of a woman in his life, i'd feel all anxious inside. i thought venting might help but really- the problem is still there. well, its not really a "problem" but dammit it bothers me! i keep thinking over and over again about them kissing and he just makin him happy. it makes me sick to my stomach! i don't know why and i hate feeling like a crazy person.
he would never even guess that this could bother me. it's been so long since we had feelings for each other. but it SO does. now if i ever have the money to visit him, he has a girlfriend and all the things i planned for our first meeting will be shot to sh*t! hope i get over this soon.
yes, yes i realize i have not written in you in forever. since the troy thing happened, i haven't really had much to complain about so i didn't need you to vent. as usual, there are normal inconveniences of work piling up like pancakes in front of an anorexic but life is moderately stable. the only thing with troy is trying to hide it from everyone while we wear puppy dog looks and i-love-you eyes for each other. but that's not why i'm writing to you.
it's dumb. i don't know why it's bothering me so much. it shouldn't even matter but it does for some reason. so chris is "in a relationship." there's always a certain slap-in-the-fac feeling when someone you used to love is with someone else. i'm not saying i'm in love with him now but maybe in the back of my mind i always figured he'd be the one for me. i know now that meeting someone like troy has obviously changed my mind about a lot of things but... still. it's human to be selfish. i have my savings account so i can go to chicago one day and visit him. i guess i figured knowing him this long- something has to come out in the end. i havn't even met him and he's made me feel things that most guys here aren't even close to making me feel.
i feel like its kharma! troy has this girl he used to "love" named jenna who he met online. i'm sure she felt as i did when she found out troy has a gf AND lost his virginity to me. i am well aware that all kinds of jealousy must have sprouted. but you don't understand! i am the queen of jealousy! everyone at work is asking me what's wrong because i'm so quiet. it's all i can think of. even before when i thought there was a possibility of a woman in his life, i'd feel all anxious inside. i thought venting might help but really- the problem is still there. well, its not really a "problem" but dammit it bothers me! i keep thinking over and over again about them kissing and he just makin him happy. it makes me sick to my stomach! i don't know why and i hate feeling like a crazy person.
he would never even guess that this could bother me. it's been so long since we had feelings for each other. but it SO does. now if i ever have the money to visit him, he has a girlfriend and all the things i planned for our first meeting will be shot to sh*t! hope i get over this soon.
this heart of mine was broken at 11:05:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, March 11, 2007
new hair
Dear heart,
i love my new dark hair. i feel it gives me power.
but before i go on and on about why i think so, i need to tell you about last night. vince said he was going to stop by my place last night. i just got way too excited because it had been so long since he's shown any effort in this. an hour passes and he hasn't called me yet. after mny unanswered calls, he finally picks up and asks what i'm still doing up so late. i told him in a quiet voice that i was waiting for him. i hated to sound so pathetic. he sounded frustrated or something and said "what if i told you i wasn't coming tonight?" a tear fell from my eye. he never disappoints to disappoint me. really.
i told him i was going to sleep and i called troy. i'm crying a little and troy says "you really think he's just too busy for you" or something like that and i just start sobbing. why was i putting myself through this?! i had another surge of "i'm going to break it off with him."
i told troy i'd call him back so i could call vince to leave a message that i was done, yet again. unfortunately he picked up. i told him i wanted to leave a message but he told me to just talk to him. i really couldn't.
this was my prepard speech:
i am tired of wasting my time waiting around for you. i don't know why i do it. you don't ask me to wait for you but i find myself saving time for you every day just in case we can do something. in the beginning it was just the sex that really got me sticking around but ever since my birthday when you spent the night, i saw you as something more. maybe its my fault that i started feeling things for you without even clarifying if we were supposed to be doing so. and if feelings were not part of this arrangement, i would rather know than act like a silly girl with a crush. i'm a big girl. i can handle it. may it be sex or company we're in it for, it's still been awhile since i felt like you've made time for me. if you want things to work, you make it work. this means all the effort can't come from me. and maybe the lack of effort from your part has made me realize that it doesn't matter how good sex was or how much fun we had when we spent time together, all that is gone now. it's been too long since i can remember feeling that way. i feel like i'm living off that happiness but i think its coming close to empty. i feel like i'm saving myself for you even though we're not together and i can't do that anymore. maybe when you have more time or want to make more time for me, you can give me a call. but until then, i think it would just hurt less to not talk to you and have this hope dangling in front of me like something with you might happen.
my long speech was cut down to "i feel like i'm always waiting for you." he says, "it's just tonight." i told him that it was all the time. i don't know how he does it but i calm down and even feel silly for crying like that. he wants to fall asleep on the phone for some reason. maybe he feels bad that he made me cry.
this morning i felt better. i got dressed to kill and eat it raw. i walk into starbucks, order my drink. his mouth dropped. i hardly made any contact with him. when i finally do, he says he likes my hair and gave me a thumbs up. i could feel his eyes on me as i act aloof waiting for my drink. he tells me he'll call me later. i could hear the eagerness of his voice.
i got to work less than a minute later and vince was calling already. he asked me what time i got off and told me to be available around 4. haha so i got it like that, now? i'm thinking of stopping by starbucks after work and printing out my above speech and giving it to him.
i love my new dark hair. i feel it gives me power.
but before i go on and on about why i think so, i need to tell you about last night. vince said he was going to stop by my place last night. i just got way too excited because it had been so long since he's shown any effort in this. an hour passes and he hasn't called me yet. after mny unanswered calls, he finally picks up and asks what i'm still doing up so late. i told him in a quiet voice that i was waiting for him. i hated to sound so pathetic. he sounded frustrated or something and said "what if i told you i wasn't coming tonight?" a tear fell from my eye. he never disappoints to disappoint me. really.
i told him i was going to sleep and i called troy. i'm crying a little and troy says "you really think he's just too busy for you" or something like that and i just start sobbing. why was i putting myself through this?! i had another surge of "i'm going to break it off with him."
i told troy i'd call him back so i could call vince to leave a message that i was done, yet again. unfortunately he picked up. i told him i wanted to leave a message but he told me to just talk to him. i really couldn't.
this was my prepard speech:
i am tired of wasting my time waiting around for you. i don't know why i do it. you don't ask me to wait for you but i find myself saving time for you every day just in case we can do something. in the beginning it was just the sex that really got me sticking around but ever since my birthday when you spent the night, i saw you as something more. maybe its my fault that i started feeling things for you without even clarifying if we were supposed to be doing so. and if feelings were not part of this arrangement, i would rather know than act like a silly girl with a crush. i'm a big girl. i can handle it. may it be sex or company we're in it for, it's still been awhile since i felt like you've made time for me. if you want things to work, you make it work. this means all the effort can't come from me. and maybe the lack of effort from your part has made me realize that it doesn't matter how good sex was or how much fun we had when we spent time together, all that is gone now. it's been too long since i can remember feeling that way. i feel like i'm living off that happiness but i think its coming close to empty. i feel like i'm saving myself for you even though we're not together and i can't do that anymore. maybe when you have more time or want to make more time for me, you can give me a call. but until then, i think it would just hurt less to not talk to you and have this hope dangling in front of me like something with you might happen.
my long speech was cut down to "i feel like i'm always waiting for you." he says, "it's just tonight." i told him that it was all the time. i don't know how he does it but i calm down and even feel silly for crying like that. he wants to fall asleep on the phone for some reason. maybe he feels bad that he made me cry.
this morning i felt better. i got dressed to kill and eat it raw. i walk into starbucks, order my drink. his mouth dropped. i hardly made any contact with him. when i finally do, he says he likes my hair and gave me a thumbs up. i could feel his eyes on me as i act aloof waiting for my drink. he tells me he'll call me later. i could hear the eagerness of his voice.
i got to work less than a minute later and vince was calling already. he asked me what time i got off and told me to be available around 4. haha so i got it like that, now? i'm thinking of stopping by starbucks after work and printing out my above speech and giving it to him.
this heart of mine was broken at 1:19:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
so much for classy
Dear heart,
i ended it with vince via text message:
I'm done waiting fpr you. If you cred enough about this, you woulda made time for me. But you didn't and it hurt and i'm over feeling that way.
but he texted me with:
So ur gona go fuk some one else basically, got it
me:
What? I'm not f*cking anyone or planning to f*ck ne1. But since ur probably f*cking other ppl cuz its obvious u don't miss f*cking me, i'm over this. I tried
him:
U tryd? Ivn been working on projects like crazy
me:
You told me you'd call me yesterday and it hurts waiting for you and getting disappointed every time
i ended it with vince via text message:
I'm done waiting fpr you. If you cred enough about this, you woulda made time for me. But you didn't and it hurt and i'm over feeling that way.
but he texted me with:
So ur gona go fuk some one else basically, got it
me:
What? I'm not f*cking anyone or planning to f*ck ne1. But since ur probably f*cking other ppl cuz its obvious u don't miss f*cking me, i'm over this. I tried
him:
U tryd? Ivn been working on projects like crazy
me:
You told me you'd call me yesterday and it hurts waiting for you and getting disappointed every time
this heart of mine was broken at 10:47:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
trojan horse
Dear heart,
i haven't really been able to update you on much. i don't know why i didn't mention how i got home on friday. i still didn't get my car back. i was asking vince to pick me up but i guess he wasn't in long beach. a co-worker troy ended up taking me home. on our way home, i asked if he was hungry. first we went to gamestop then we went to eat at L&L's. after we walk around target but it was closing. we sit and talk in the car for a bit and decide he needs gum and i have a craving for strawberry milk. we go to 7/11 or am/pm. i can't remember. we sit in the car and talk FOREVER. i think we went home around 4:30 am!
then on sunday we went to borders and studied together. i've just been hanging out with him WAY too much. this is SO not a good time to add another boy on the list. whoever said you can never have too many boys obviously went out with 3 at the same time.
i haven't really been able to update you on much. i don't know why i didn't mention how i got home on friday. i still didn't get my car back. i was asking vince to pick me up but i guess he wasn't in long beach. a co-worker troy ended up taking me home. on our way home, i asked if he was hungry. first we went to gamestop then we went to eat at L&L's. after we walk around target but it was closing. we sit and talk in the car for a bit and decide he needs gum and i have a craving for strawberry milk. we go to 7/11 or am/pm. i can't remember. we sit in the car and talk FOREVER. i think we went home around 4:30 am!
then on sunday we went to borders and studied together. i've just been hanging out with him WAY too much. this is SO not a good time to add another boy on the list. whoever said you can never have too many boys obviously went out with 3 at the same time.
this heart of mine was broken at 9:11:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, February 25, 2007
heina
Dear heart,
last night i was talking to vince while he was painting with his friend. his friend asked him who it was and he said, "my heina." that brought me to different levels of joy. i didn't want to bring it up and break the spell of the moment. i just left it. it made me feel guilty about all my paranoid thoughts that day.
last night i was talking to vince while he was painting with his friend. his friend asked him who it was and he said, "my heina." that brought me to different levels of joy. i didn't want to bring it up and break the spell of the moment. i just left it. it made me feel guilty about all my paranoid thoughts that day.
this heart of mine was broken at 1:43:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, February 22, 2007
speech
Dear heart,
i don't really know how you feel about me and i already know we have some issues but i'm starting to really like you. i love spending time with you. i like laughing at the same things and at all our random little inside jokes. i enjoy myself when we're sitting around, when we're wrestling on your floor, and when we're on the phone together even if we're talking, staying on while we're doing other things, or falling asleep.
i know you must have a lot of things going on in your life that might stress you out but i can be there for you. i want to be there for you. i don't want to be one of those things that you worry about. i'm going to do my best so you'll never have to be wondering about where i am or what i'm doing. please know that i will never do anything to hurt you. i care about you and all i want to do is to make you happy.
i need you to talk to me about things. don't look at it as getting me involved; look at it as if you're letting me in. nothing that you can share with me will ever scare me away. i also want you to be more reliable. maybe answering your phone or just making a point to see me once in awhile can make all the difference.
i know we are "just friends" right now with a whole lot of benefits. i don't know if that's all you want from this whole situation but to be honest with you, i want to be with you. i'm not sure if the fact that we're not together makes us jealous because of the infinite possibilities of what the other person "can" do without the real commitment of being in a relationship, and i'm not really sure if being together will calm that down or make it worse. but you're the only person i want to be with and i want to be the only person you're with. i don't know if you're ready for something like that or if you even want to be in a relationship with me, but i'm just letting you know what i've been feeling.
if you're not, i'm fine with that. just don't act differently towards me now that you know how i feel about you.
i don't really know how you feel about me and i already know we have some issues but i'm starting to really like you. i love spending time with you. i like laughing at the same things and at all our random little inside jokes. i enjoy myself when we're sitting around, when we're wrestling on your floor, and when we're on the phone together even if we're talking, staying on while we're doing other things, or falling asleep.
i know you must have a lot of things going on in your life that might stress you out but i can be there for you. i want to be there for you. i don't want to be one of those things that you worry about. i'm going to do my best so you'll never have to be wondering about where i am or what i'm doing. please know that i will never do anything to hurt you. i care about you and all i want to do is to make you happy.
i need you to talk to me about things. don't look at it as getting me involved; look at it as if you're letting me in. nothing that you can share with me will ever scare me away. i also want you to be more reliable. maybe answering your phone or just making a point to see me once in awhile can make all the difference.
i know we are "just friends" right now with a whole lot of benefits. i don't know if that's all you want from this whole situation but to be honest with you, i want to be with you. i'm not sure if the fact that we're not together makes us jealous because of the infinite possibilities of what the other person "can" do without the real commitment of being in a relationship, and i'm not really sure if being together will calm that down or make it worse. but you're the only person i want to be with and i want to be the only person you're with. i don't know if you're ready for something like that or if you even want to be in a relationship with me, but i'm just letting you know what i've been feeling.
if you're not, i'm fine with that. just don't act differently towards me now that you know how i feel about you.
this heart of mine was broken at 1:55:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
so right and so wrong
Dear heart,
anty and i end up at westminster to eat oysters because it's ash wednesday and i cannot eat meat. vince calls and when she hears his ringtone, she's all "oh what the heck?!" so i gues his phone is messed up because he can make calls but when people try to call him, it says the number is unavailable.
anyway, antoinette and i pass by his apartment but i couldn't tell if his car was there or not. so we park and she walked over there to check. one of his neighbors was all, "you checking if that cuh up there is home? checkin if his car is here to see if he's home?" antoinette starts laughing and running towards me and we scream and run to the car. we drive to my work parking lot and just talk about random stuff. my windows were open and we were being so loud. people were getting out from mass and just staring at my car.
then i was going to his place but he calls me. i ask if i can come by and he tells me he is painting. ugh!!! does he not care enough about this situaton talk to me about it? he wanted to do it over the phone but i wanted to do it in person. so we are talking about what i says when i call him, and i inform him that it plays when people change their numbers. he asked me if they changed it because of me. i was SO offended. i was quiet for a bit and then he asks me if i'm there. i say yes and then he says he has to go.
i was SO pissed off! i called antoinette and was SO ready to just go over there, ask for my camera, and never see him again. this was what i was supposed to say: "i'm just here to get my camera then i'm going to leave so this can be done." i know he told me to not come over and i would just seem more psychotic going over there. i was trying to get pumped about it because i was scared sh*tless.
i climb his steps and find that his door is open. i knock on the screen, turn my head and brace myself. i didn't hear him coming to the door and he ended up making me jump with surprise. i could feel my heart jumping out of my chest. i told him i wanted to get my camera. the other part didn't come out. he told me to come in. he got my camera and i said "ok thank you." he said to come in for a bit. so i did. he told me to come into his room. so i did. i sat on his couch. antoinette calls me and leaves a voicemail saying that she hopes i'm not sitting on his couch talking to him. i laughed because that was exavlty what i was doing. i think the laughter partly came from my nervousness.
i say something about moving my car and he tells me he needs to paint anyway, and he usually does alone. he walks me to the door and i turn around and tell him "look, we need to talk an i'd rather do it in person." so we talk.
he tells me that he knows he hasn't seen me and he's been really stressed out. he's afraid that if i think he's doing something, that i will end up doing something in retaliation. and yes, i was that type of person one but i've tried to change since our last talk. i give him my spech about surrendering control and that we can't know what the other person is doing 24/7 so we might as well not go crazy.
what i got from the whole thing is that he didn't want to worry about me so i told him not to. he said it was hard because we start getting attached when we sleep together or spend time together. i completely understand that. but i found it frustrating how he can't ever believe me that i just want him. he's so stubborn in his mindset that anything i tell him doesn't matter. he already has his opinions and anything i tell him won't change his mind.
there were many silences. so i get up and he asks me to look up some information about tattoo guns for him. he says to give it to him next time i see him. uh... i thought we were not going to see each other anymore. when he says he needs to continue to paint, i don't know how i got up the nerve to ask "so are we still going to sleep together?" he kinda laughed and said "we'd work something out."
i turn around and hug him. it was one of those i-miss-you hugs that last a really long time and both are just feeling the other person as if to try to remember what they felt like. the entire time i was thinking that i could love this guy- i really could.
anty and i end up at westminster to eat oysters because it's ash wednesday and i cannot eat meat. vince calls and when she hears his ringtone, she's all "oh what the heck?!" so i gues his phone is messed up because he can make calls but when people try to call him, it says the number is unavailable.
anyway, antoinette and i pass by his apartment but i couldn't tell if his car was there or not. so we park and she walked over there to check. one of his neighbors was all, "you checking if that cuh up there is home? checkin if his car is here to see if he's home?" antoinette starts laughing and running towards me and we scream and run to the car. we drive to my work parking lot and just talk about random stuff. my windows were open and we were being so loud. people were getting out from mass and just staring at my car.
then i was going to his place but he calls me. i ask if i can come by and he tells me he is painting. ugh!!! does he not care enough about this situaton talk to me about it? he wanted to do it over the phone but i wanted to do it in person. so we are talking about what i says when i call him, and i inform him that it plays when people change their numbers. he asked me if they changed it because of me. i was SO offended. i was quiet for a bit and then he asks me if i'm there. i say yes and then he says he has to go.
i was SO pissed off! i called antoinette and was SO ready to just go over there, ask for my camera, and never see him again. this was what i was supposed to say: "i'm just here to get my camera then i'm going to leave so this can be done." i know he told me to not come over and i would just seem more psychotic going over there. i was trying to get pumped about it because i was scared sh*tless.
i climb his steps and find that his door is open. i knock on the screen, turn my head and brace myself. i didn't hear him coming to the door and he ended up making me jump with surprise. i could feel my heart jumping out of my chest. i told him i wanted to get my camera. the other part didn't come out. he told me to come in. he got my camera and i said "ok thank you." he said to come in for a bit. so i did. he told me to come into his room. so i did. i sat on his couch. antoinette calls me and leaves a voicemail saying that she hopes i'm not sitting on his couch talking to him. i laughed because that was exavlty what i was doing. i think the laughter partly came from my nervousness.
i say something about moving my car and he tells me he needs to paint anyway, and he usually does alone. he walks me to the door and i turn around and tell him "look, we need to talk an i'd rather do it in person." so we talk.
he tells me that he knows he hasn't seen me and he's been really stressed out. he's afraid that if i think he's doing something, that i will end up doing something in retaliation. and yes, i was that type of person one but i've tried to change since our last talk. i give him my spech about surrendering control and that we can't know what the other person is doing 24/7 so we might as well not go crazy.
what i got from the whole thing is that he didn't want to worry about me so i told him not to. he said it was hard because we start getting attached when we sleep together or spend time together. i completely understand that. but i found it frustrating how he can't ever believe me that i just want him. he's so stubborn in his mindset that anything i tell him doesn't matter. he already has his opinions and anything i tell him won't change his mind.
there were many silences. so i get up and he asks me to look up some information about tattoo guns for him. he says to give it to him next time i see him. uh... i thought we were not going to see each other anymore. when he says he needs to continue to paint, i don't know how i got up the nerve to ask "so are we still going to sleep together?" he kinda laughed and said "we'd work something out."
i turn around and hug him. it was one of those i-miss-you hugs that last a really long time and both are just feeling the other person as if to try to remember what they felt like. the entire time i was thinking that i could love this guy- i really could.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:53:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
this can only happen to someone like me
Dear heart,
i think vince is moving. and his phone is not working so i think he changed his number. i can't believe he would just abandon me like that. i am so OVER all of this! i am frustrated and i really don't know what to do from here.
i know i gave up drinking for lent but this is an emergency!!! i'm so glad antoinette is coming over here so i need not drink alone.
i think vince is moving. and his phone is not working so i think he changed his number. i can't believe he would just abandon me like that. i am so OVER all of this! i am frustrated and i really don't know what to do from here.
i know i gave up drinking for lent but this is an emergency!!! i'm so glad antoinette is coming over here so i need not drink alone.
this heart of mine was broken at 5:36:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
letting someone make me lonely
Dear heart,
i always tried to live by the words of toni morrison. she said to never let anyone make you lonely. be alone because you want to be alone and that it is your choice. it sounded more profound coming from her.
but vince has been messing with me. he calls me to tell me ther's nothing wrong but that he'll call me back later and doesn't. that drives me nuts. so i left him a message last night saying that i don't know what's going on with him. even though he says there's nothing wrong, i KNOW there is. this is not typical behavior. i told him that i felt silly calling all the time.
maybe we'll break it off. i don't even care. it's better than how i feel right now or the torture of wondering what is going on. or is it? will not seeing him on purpose really be so much better than knowing there's still a possibility of seeing each other in the future? i don't even know but it is driving me crazy.
i really miss him. i feel like i need to talk to him so badly. to talk to him about everthing.
i always tried to live by the words of toni morrison. she said to never let anyone make you lonely. be alone because you want to be alone and that it is your choice. it sounded more profound coming from her.
but vince has been messing with me. he calls me to tell me ther's nothing wrong but that he'll call me back later and doesn't. that drives me nuts. so i left him a message last night saying that i don't know what's going on with him. even though he says there's nothing wrong, i KNOW there is. this is not typical behavior. i told him that i felt silly calling all the time.
maybe we'll break it off. i don't even care. it's better than how i feel right now or the torture of wondering what is going on. or is it? will not seeing him on purpose really be so much better than knowing there's still a possibility of seeing each other in the future? i don't even know but it is driving me crazy.
i really miss him. i feel like i need to talk to him so badly. to talk to him about everthing.
this heart of mine was broken at 10:32:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
for lent
Dear heart,
i am giving up cussing and drinking.
other things i will TRY to do for lent but will be very hard for me:
- no gossiping
- stop lying
- rethink about acting on paranoid thoughts
- not drive past vince's just to see if he's home
- no soda (even coke zero)
- really work out monday, wednesday, and thursday
- actually work the whole time i'm at work
- go on myspace only twice a day: when i get to work and when i get home from work
- stop being vindictive
- go to class
- do all my homework, including the readings
i am giving up cussing and drinking.
other things i will TRY to do for lent but will be very hard for me:
- no gossiping
- stop lying
- rethink about acting on paranoid thoughts
- not drive past vince's just to see if he's home
- no soda (even coke zero)
- really work out monday, wednesday, and thursday
- actually work the whole time i'm at work
- go on myspace only twice a day: when i get to work and when i get home from work
- stop being vindictive
- go to class
- do all my homework, including the readings
this heart of mine was broken at 10:20:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, February 19, 2007
why does avoiding feel like the best option?
Dear heart,
i went to his apartment and was going to confront him about what he was doing last night. but then we started sitting there and i couldn't do it. we were happy and play-pushing and randomly giggling about god-knows-what. as i walk away, i kick myself in the *ss because i should have brought it up. now pieceing little clues together, i think he is moving. that's why he hasn't been home a lot because he is looking for a place in pomona. i saw it on this piece of paper tha he found a studio apartment and the contact was a 909 number.
maybe that's why he doesn't want to bring it up because that would lead to discussions about what we plan to do about that. i feel like it is just going to end up with decisions about it being best that we don't continue seeing each other because it will be poitless if we continue this charade if we know it's no going to last.
i think i'm on edge because of that. i don't know why he's acting the way he has been. why we haven't fallen asleep on the phone together anymore. i feel like he's pulling away and checking out already. i kind of wanted this to work out. or did i?
i went to his apartment and was going to confront him about what he was doing last night. but then we started sitting there and i couldn't do it. we were happy and play-pushing and randomly giggling about god-knows-what. as i walk away, i kick myself in the *ss because i should have brought it up. now pieceing little clues together, i think he is moving. that's why he hasn't been home a lot because he is looking for a place in pomona. i saw it on this piece of paper tha he found a studio apartment and the contact was a 909 number.
maybe that's why he doesn't want to bring it up because that would lead to discussions about what we plan to do about that. i feel like it is just going to end up with decisions about it being best that we don't continue seeing each other because it will be poitless if we continue this charade if we know it's no going to last.
i think i'm on edge because of that. i don't know why he's acting the way he has been. why we haven't fallen asleep on the phone together anymore. i feel like he's pulling away and checking out already. i kind of wanted this to work out. or did i?
this heart of mine was broken at 1:01:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
lying and missing
Dear heart,
i got off the phone with him around 11 last night and he said he was going to paint. he said he might call me "tonight or just call me tomorrow." i call him to tell him good night but he doesn't answer. how weird that he was painting and doesn't answer. i mean, i know he can get all into it but he could have called back at least.
so this morning, i wanted to stop by. since my bosses were out, i was going to be a little late but he wasn't home!!! what the heck?! were did he go last night? what or who did he end up doing last night?! the questions are running wildly through my mind. i didn't want to be like this. i hate when i am like this. but why all the ommitted information? herbert used to always say "lying by ommission." will he tell me what's going on? i think we really need that talk after all.
i'm going to stop by over there and see what happens. i swear, if he isn't at his place there's gonna be hell to pay. this crap needs to end anyway.
i got off the phone with him around 11 last night and he said he was going to paint. he said he might call me "tonight or just call me tomorrow." i call him to tell him good night but he doesn't answer. how weird that he was painting and doesn't answer. i mean, i know he can get all into it but he could have called back at least.
so this morning, i wanted to stop by. since my bosses were out, i was going to be a little late but he wasn't home!!! what the heck?! were did he go last night? what or who did he end up doing last night?! the questions are running wildly through my mind. i didn't want to be like this. i hate when i am like this. but why all the ommitted information? herbert used to always say "lying by ommission." will he tell me what's going on? i think we really need that talk after all.
i'm going to stop by over there and see what happens. i swear, if he isn't at his place there's gonna be hell to pay. this crap needs to end anyway.
this heart of mine was broken at 10:27:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, February 18, 2007
why it won't work out
Dear heart,
why is it that when you get what you've always asked for- it isn't necessarily what you wanted?
vince is a perfect example of that. i've been wanting to meet someone that i can be myself with. vince appreciates, encourages, even joins in my corniness. some guys will give me a weird look with some of the things i am into, but he is just so amused by it. sometimes i say off-the-wall things that i'm sure would sound obsurd to any other person but when he hears it he'll just laugh because he knows exactly what i'm talking about.
i feel like we're always on the same page. we have random little jokes that i'm sure a lot of people won't find hilarious. we can watch something and laugh at the exact same times. that might seem like something ordinary but you'd be surprised about the things i find funny and when i laugh, sometimes no one does. but he does. once he texted me that he thought it was lovely that we laugh about the same things.
antoinette actually likes him and she HATES everyone i date! i think she didn't like him at one point when he "broke up" with me but that's because it hurt me and she didn't like that. but as a person, he is cool according to her. she says he is just like me. that's why all three of us can get along so well because we're all so alike. her theory on his craziness is that he probably doesn't want a girlfriend but he likes me a lot so he doesn't know how to act. basically vince is a male version of antoinette who i have amazing sex with. speaking of sex, OMG i am not even kidding you when i say he is THE best. i've had many lovers and by far no one compares to him. that much chemistry and passion has got to cause some kind of explosion.
you'd think that being in sync, same sense of humor, approval from friends, and incredible adventures in the bedroom might equal great relationship- but it doesn't! god a relationship with vince would be chaos filled with suspicion and accusations. i can just see it now. i think the key ingredient we're missing for that perfect package to be a relationship is the trust. we are so damn paranoid of he other person. the difference between the two of us is that if i have some paranoid thoughts and i hear a reasonable explanation, then i stop my craziness and dowse the fire of jealousy. vince, on the other hand, has paranoid thoughts and is so damn stubborn that an explanation won't settle him, instead fan the flame of his suspicion and will just make him angrier. i think in each relationship, you need that blind-trust or you'll just go crazy with all the wondering, which will drive any relationship to the ground.
i don't know if its because we aren't together and the infinite possibilities of what the other person is allowed to be doing drives us mad, or if it will get worse once we're together because now we are in a relationship and cheating would be a direct personal attack. i can just imagine being with vince. he is just so set in his thinking that anything i would say won't penetrate through. i would never win an arguement where i would have to always give in or shut up. the only difficult factor in the whole thing is all the other reasons why we're so good together.
why is it that when you get what you've always asked for- it isn't necessarily what you wanted?
vince is a perfect example of that. i've been wanting to meet someone that i can be myself with. vince appreciates, encourages, even joins in my corniness. some guys will give me a weird look with some of the things i am into, but he is just so amused by it. sometimes i say off-the-wall things that i'm sure would sound obsurd to any other person but when he hears it he'll just laugh because he knows exactly what i'm talking about.
i feel like we're always on the same page. we have random little jokes that i'm sure a lot of people won't find hilarious. we can watch something and laugh at the exact same times. that might seem like something ordinary but you'd be surprised about the things i find funny and when i laugh, sometimes no one does. but he does. once he texted me that he thought it was lovely that we laugh about the same things.
antoinette actually likes him and she HATES everyone i date! i think she didn't like him at one point when he "broke up" with me but that's because it hurt me and she didn't like that. but as a person, he is cool according to her. she says he is just like me. that's why all three of us can get along so well because we're all so alike. her theory on his craziness is that he probably doesn't want a girlfriend but he likes me a lot so he doesn't know how to act. basically vince is a male version of antoinette who i have amazing sex with. speaking of sex, OMG i am not even kidding you when i say he is THE best. i've had many lovers and by far no one compares to him. that much chemistry and passion has got to cause some kind of explosion.
you'd think that being in sync, same sense of humor, approval from friends, and incredible adventures in the bedroom might equal great relationship- but it doesn't! god a relationship with vince would be chaos filled with suspicion and accusations. i can just see it now. i think the key ingredient we're missing for that perfect package to be a relationship is the trust. we are so damn paranoid of he other person. the difference between the two of us is that if i have some paranoid thoughts and i hear a reasonable explanation, then i stop my craziness and dowse the fire of jealousy. vince, on the other hand, has paranoid thoughts and is so damn stubborn that an explanation won't settle him, instead fan the flame of his suspicion and will just make him angrier. i think in each relationship, you need that blind-trust or you'll just go crazy with all the wondering, which will drive any relationship to the ground.
i don't know if its because we aren't together and the infinite possibilities of what the other person is allowed to be doing drives us mad, or if it will get worse once we're together because now we are in a relationship and cheating would be a direct personal attack. i can just imagine being with vince. he is just so set in his thinking that anything i would say won't penetrate through. i would never win an arguement where i would have to always give in or shut up. the only difficult factor in the whole thing is all the other reasons why we're so good together.
this heart of mine was broken at 9:24:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, February 16, 2007
better than expected
Dear heart,
this is what i HATE about vince. i'm all pumped up for rejection and breaking up when i can't remember being happier with him. i came over after work, ate, and watched the rest of arrested development. he walked me to my car and gave me the biggest hug ever. like always, he tells me to call him when i get home. then finishes up with, "did you hear me?"
i go home and was talking to antoinette. he called and asked if i got home ok. he starts talking to me like he wanted to stay on the line. i was scared to tell him that antoinette was on the other line because i was afraid he wouldn't believe me and start a fight, even if it was the actual truth. when he decided to continue painting, i call anty back.
i call him later and his phone is acting up. he calls me back and asks me what's wrong. i tell him i'm going to bed but he made no indications of wanting to get off the phone. i ask if he wanted me to let him go or if he wanted to stay and sleep with me. his reply: "i'll stay if you want."
i am still wondering about what happened the night before when he didn't feel like falling asleep with me on the phone, since it has become this way regular thing. i tried asking him about it before i left his place, but he said he had to paint already and that he would talk to me about it later. so OBVIOUSLY, its not THAT important? i mean, he can't be trying to break up with me if he's acting the way he is while still knowing that he needs to talk to me about something... right?! unless maybe that's why he keeps putting it off because he had made up his mind to break up with me or know that it wasn't going to work out or that another woman has come into the picture- but he didn't want to tell me yet because i know how to make him feel good.
i would be severely hurt and intensely infuriated if after all that he broke it off or he was seeing someone else. i'm sorry but that is way f*cked up to lead me on for days when he KNEW it was over. but if it isn't that, then it has to be some issues he's having within him. i can live with that. in fact, i LIVE for stuff like that because it makes me want to help.
i think i've seen him every day this week. let's see- monday, i actually can't remember what i did. maybe i didn't see him. tuesday was when i stopped at starbucks and got the douche chill on my cup. then i came to starbucks after my lab to read up for my next class. while sitting there, vince was off so we went to albertsons and bought some bagels, beer, and a dvd of snatch. i go to school and take my test. i get out early so i call up vince and he tells me to come over. he's supposed to go to pomona cuz his brother is making some turkey thing. but i come over and after rolling around the floor trying to wrestle, we do it. wednesday was valetines day so i came over for a bit and kissed his face. yesterday, i saw him for lunch and after work. now today i saw him real quick when i went to the "post office." then stopped by at his work after i got off.
things seem so comfortable with him. i feel more relaxed about the whole thing. i think i'm starting to trust him now. like i have my normal paranoid thoughts, but i stop myself long enough to be proven wrong. it's happened so much that i hardly have prolonged paranoid thoughts anymore. its been a little over than 2 months and besides the random psychotic, jealous outbursts from him- i can see myself being in this relationship with him.
antoinette is not making this better. everyone at work hates him because i tell them stories of how crazy he can be. but then antoinette says he acts that way because he probably doesn't want a girlfriend but really likes me and can't deal with the fact that i'm not his girlfriend. i liked that theory. things have been good with him. i didn't think that could happen, especially the episode we had wednesday evening. the big "talk" that was supposed to happen yesterday was supposed to be the end of us as we know it. but we haven't ended yet, then again we haven't had the talk yet either. it just doesn't seem plausible for him to act the way he has been when he's really just setting me up for a break-up. he wouldn't do that, right?! he's not THAT f*cked up.
i wonder how long this honeymoon period will last. i don't think i've fought so much or had this much drama with any boy in such a short period of time. maybe things will be better if we got together. maybe we'll calm down a little more because maybe the worry of our lack of an official title that might be misconstrewed when dealing with other flirtations would have diminished with his a question. but i can't ask him. i want to but i want to believe that he wants to be with me.
this is what i HATE about vince. i'm all pumped up for rejection and breaking up when i can't remember being happier with him. i came over after work, ate, and watched the rest of arrested development. he walked me to my car and gave me the biggest hug ever. like always, he tells me to call him when i get home. then finishes up with, "did you hear me?"
i go home and was talking to antoinette. he called and asked if i got home ok. he starts talking to me like he wanted to stay on the line. i was scared to tell him that antoinette was on the other line because i was afraid he wouldn't believe me and start a fight, even if it was the actual truth. when he decided to continue painting, i call anty back.
i call him later and his phone is acting up. he calls me back and asks me what's wrong. i tell him i'm going to bed but he made no indications of wanting to get off the phone. i ask if he wanted me to let him go or if he wanted to stay and sleep with me. his reply: "i'll stay if you want."
i am still wondering about what happened the night before when he didn't feel like falling asleep with me on the phone, since it has become this way regular thing. i tried asking him about it before i left his place, but he said he had to paint already and that he would talk to me about it later. so OBVIOUSLY, its not THAT important? i mean, he can't be trying to break up with me if he's acting the way he is while still knowing that he needs to talk to me about something... right?! unless maybe that's why he keeps putting it off because he had made up his mind to break up with me or know that it wasn't going to work out or that another woman has come into the picture- but he didn't want to tell me yet because i know how to make him feel good.
i would be severely hurt and intensely infuriated if after all that he broke it off or he was seeing someone else. i'm sorry but that is way f*cked up to lead me on for days when he KNEW it was over. but if it isn't that, then it has to be some issues he's having within him. i can live with that. in fact, i LIVE for stuff like that because it makes me want to help.
i think i've seen him every day this week. let's see- monday, i actually can't remember what i did. maybe i didn't see him. tuesday was when i stopped at starbucks and got the douche chill on my cup. then i came to starbucks after my lab to read up for my next class. while sitting there, vince was off so we went to albertsons and bought some bagels, beer, and a dvd of snatch. i go to school and take my test. i get out early so i call up vince and he tells me to come over. he's supposed to go to pomona cuz his brother is making some turkey thing. but i come over and after rolling around the floor trying to wrestle, we do it. wednesday was valetines day so i came over for a bit and kissed his face. yesterday, i saw him for lunch and after work. now today i saw him real quick when i went to the "post office." then stopped by at his work after i got off.
things seem so comfortable with him. i feel more relaxed about the whole thing. i think i'm starting to trust him now. like i have my normal paranoid thoughts, but i stop myself long enough to be proven wrong. it's happened so much that i hardly have prolonged paranoid thoughts anymore. its been a little over than 2 months and besides the random psychotic, jealous outbursts from him- i can see myself being in this relationship with him.
antoinette is not making this better. everyone at work hates him because i tell them stories of how crazy he can be. but then antoinette says he acts that way because he probably doesn't want a girlfriend but really likes me and can't deal with the fact that i'm not his girlfriend. i liked that theory. things have been good with him. i didn't think that could happen, especially the episode we had wednesday evening. the big "talk" that was supposed to happen yesterday was supposed to be the end of us as we know it. but we haven't ended yet, then again we haven't had the talk yet either. it just doesn't seem plausible for him to act the way he has been when he's really just setting me up for a break-up. he wouldn't do that, right?! he's not THAT f*cked up.
i wonder how long this honeymoon period will last. i don't think i've fought so much or had this much drama with any boy in such a short period of time. maybe things will be better if we got together. maybe we'll calm down a little more because maybe the worry of our lack of an official title that might be misconstrewed when dealing with other flirtations would have diminished with his a question. but i can't ask him. i want to but i want to believe that he wants to be with me.
this heart of mine was broken at 10:44:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, February 15, 2007
after lunch
Dear heart,
so i came back from lunch after seeing him to "talk." uh... yeah. there was no talking involved. i came over and he made an omelet sandwich that he was feeding me. i was ready for negativity and hurtful words. instead i was getting a free lunch and a good time. i sat next to him and he was caressing me. we sat there for a bit while i had my legs over his knees and just snuggling against him. he mentioned that he needed to talk to me and i told him that i knew that which was the reason why i was there. he tried to get up and i hold him down and pout "no." he tells me to close the door and i do. when i get back, he is lying down on the couch. he tells me to make myself comfortable. i lay on top of him and snuggle into his neck. i keep mentioning that he needs to talk to me and all i get as a response is silence.
eventually we start to do it. it was good, for the most part. i mean, he's still the best sex ever but it didn't compare to all the other times. anyway, we didn't have a chance to talk. i kind of really wanted to get it over with just so i don't have to think about it and worry all day. it's just hard to kill a good moment with him. we were so happy and i always drink up any time when he's not acting like a psycho. it's hard to resist the good moments with him because the bad times are just so utterly unbelievable. but now i must wonder about what the heck he was going to talk to me about until i see him again. i mean, i shouldn't worry about it or even think about it because that wouldn't make sense to stress about it, because it wouldn't matter if this was over, remember? i just like knowing things right away. i hate having dark clouds looming over me. i just want it to rain already so the rainbows and sunshine can come already.
i was taking a shower this mornind and it made me think about the way people love. when we start a shower, it starts off cold which is how we all are when we haven't fallen in love yet. we're all pretty cold until someone comes along and warms us up inside. and that's how first love is- the moment the water starts to warm up. it's hot and steamy and basically that is all the love and warmth you can give. but as people take showers after you, it's still warm but you lose a little of the heat. it will never be like the first person who took a shower. eventually there will be no heat left and you're just showering with cold water, which is what happens sometimes. all your love is used up and you're just cold inside. it's hard to get warm and optimistic again. if you wait a bit, the hot water might come back but its never the same. just a random analogy/metaphore or whatever.
a co-worker suggested that he might be bipolar because his moods do change (snap fingers) like that. even his friend told me that he noticed that about him. one minute he can be fine then one thing can happen and he transforms into this crazy person. he's seriously has a case of the jekyl/hyde syndrome. i just talked to him right now and he sounded cool with me. he said he should be home so to call him when i got off.
so i came back from lunch after seeing him to "talk." uh... yeah. there was no talking involved. i came over and he made an omelet sandwich that he was feeding me. i was ready for negativity and hurtful words. instead i was getting a free lunch and a good time. i sat next to him and he was caressing me. we sat there for a bit while i had my legs over his knees and just snuggling against him. he mentioned that he needed to talk to me and i told him that i knew that which was the reason why i was there. he tried to get up and i hold him down and pout "no." he tells me to close the door and i do. when i get back, he is lying down on the couch. he tells me to make myself comfortable. i lay on top of him and snuggle into his neck. i keep mentioning that he needs to talk to me and all i get as a response is silence.
eventually we start to do it. it was good, for the most part. i mean, he's still the best sex ever but it didn't compare to all the other times. anyway, we didn't have a chance to talk. i kind of really wanted to get it over with just so i don't have to think about it and worry all day. it's just hard to kill a good moment with him. we were so happy and i always drink up any time when he's not acting like a psycho. it's hard to resist the good moments with him because the bad times are just so utterly unbelievable. but now i must wonder about what the heck he was going to talk to me about until i see him again. i mean, i shouldn't worry about it or even think about it because that wouldn't make sense to stress about it, because it wouldn't matter if this was over, remember? i just like knowing things right away. i hate having dark clouds looming over me. i just want it to rain already so the rainbows and sunshine can come already.
i was taking a shower this mornind and it made me think about the way people love. when we start a shower, it starts off cold which is how we all are when we haven't fallen in love yet. we're all pretty cold until someone comes along and warms us up inside. and that's how first love is- the moment the water starts to warm up. it's hot and steamy and basically that is all the love and warmth you can give. but as people take showers after you, it's still warm but you lose a little of the heat. it will never be like the first person who took a shower. eventually there will be no heat left and you're just showering with cold water, which is what happens sometimes. all your love is used up and you're just cold inside. it's hard to get warm and optimistic again. if you wait a bit, the hot water might come back but its never the same. just a random analogy/metaphore or whatever.
a co-worker suggested that he might be bipolar because his moods do change (snap fingers) like that. even his friend told me that he noticed that about him. one minute he can be fine then one thing can happen and he transforms into this crazy person. he's seriously has a case of the jekyl/hyde syndrome. i just talked to him right now and he sounded cool with me. he said he should be home so to call him when i got off.
this heart of mine was broken at 4:14:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
enough is enough
Dear heart,
after work, i stopped by vince's even though he wasn't picking up his phone. he looked nice with a sweater and this button down brown shirt. we spent an hour and a half just being next to each other. i was smelling him then rubbing my face against his face, ear, and neck. then i kiss him all over and massage his head. it starts to hit me that i'm starting to like him a lot.
when 8:00 rolls around, he tells me that he has to leave to pomona. when driving away, i think about what he could possibly have planned to look that good and go all the way to pomona for. but i wasn't going to be that person anymore. that's his choice and that's his life. i don' want to be crazy with him because we're not together and it shouldn't matter. he has no reason to be faithul to me except for the fact that it might hurt me. but some of the things he has said has hurt me more than what he ever could do to me.
i was watching american idol with my sister and i went to my computer real quick when there was a commercial. she starts calling me but just ignore her. i figured american idol was back and she just wanted me to come back an watch. well, she comes into my room and gives me the home phone. i thought it was my parents but all i heard was, "what the f*ck are you doing?" whaat?! was the first thing to come into my mind. he was tripping because i didn't answer my phone, which i left in the living room for not even 2 minutes. i couldn't BELIEVE he called my house!!!
i was cooking and we just got along like that spitting our jokes again back and forth. later he asked if i wanted to stop by his place. i told him i could after my parents went to sleep. i was on vicodon so i was fallig asleep. suddenly i get a call at midnight telling me not to leave yet. he sounds weird and i'm confused. he says he'll call me back. so i ask him if i was still coming over later or like another day. he says later but then says something about not really wanting me to sleep over that night. uh... ok. see, now THAT hurt me. i ask him if there is something wrong and he said we'll talk about it tomorrow. he asked when i was done with my stuff and i was confused. what stuff? i told him i got off at 6:30 and he made a sound like "that late?" i told him i'd meet him for my lunch so we could talk. i ask him if i should be worried and he said he doesn't know. i know FOR SURE it's not a good thing or he would have just told me. i ask if it was my fault and he said no which was a relief, for once. but still i know it's something bad so... maybe he's gonna tell me that he's actually seeing someone else or getting back with an ex or something.
i'm feeling very independent today. i thought if he was gonna try breaking up with me again, i'd be fine and acually be relieved. i mean, he is WAY too damn dramatic. i thought i was complicated, but he is something else. two complicated people will just cause major complications. i was seriously ready for anything he threw at me. i was dreading "lunch time" all day long. i was even thinking that if he didn't break it off, i probably would because i was just SO SICK of his crap!
after work, i stopped by vince's even though he wasn't picking up his phone. he looked nice with a sweater and this button down brown shirt. we spent an hour and a half just being next to each other. i was smelling him then rubbing my face against his face, ear, and neck. then i kiss him all over and massage his head. it starts to hit me that i'm starting to like him a lot.
when 8:00 rolls around, he tells me that he has to leave to pomona. when driving away, i think about what he could possibly have planned to look that good and go all the way to pomona for. but i wasn't going to be that person anymore. that's his choice and that's his life. i don' want to be crazy with him because we're not together and it shouldn't matter. he has no reason to be faithul to me except for the fact that it might hurt me. but some of the things he has said has hurt me more than what he ever could do to me.
i was watching american idol with my sister and i went to my computer real quick when there was a commercial. she starts calling me but just ignore her. i figured american idol was back and she just wanted me to come back an watch. well, she comes into my room and gives me the home phone. i thought it was my parents but all i heard was, "what the f*ck are you doing?" whaat?! was the first thing to come into my mind. he was tripping because i didn't answer my phone, which i left in the living room for not even 2 minutes. i couldn't BELIEVE he called my house!!!
i was cooking and we just got along like that spitting our jokes again back and forth. later he asked if i wanted to stop by his place. i told him i could after my parents went to sleep. i was on vicodon so i was fallig asleep. suddenly i get a call at midnight telling me not to leave yet. he sounds weird and i'm confused. he says he'll call me back. so i ask him if i was still coming over later or like another day. he says later but then says something about not really wanting me to sleep over that night. uh... ok. see, now THAT hurt me. i ask him if there is something wrong and he said we'll talk about it tomorrow. he asked when i was done with my stuff and i was confused. what stuff? i told him i got off at 6:30 and he made a sound like "that late?" i told him i'd meet him for my lunch so we could talk. i ask him if i should be worried and he said he doesn't know. i know FOR SURE it's not a good thing or he would have just told me. i ask if it was my fault and he said no which was a relief, for once. but still i know it's something bad so... maybe he's gonna tell me that he's actually seeing someone else or getting back with an ex or something.
i'm feeling very independent today. i thought if he was gonna try breaking up with me again, i'd be fine and acually be relieved. i mean, he is WAY too damn dramatic. i thought i was complicated, but he is something else. two complicated people will just cause major complications. i was seriously ready for anything he threw at me. i was dreading "lunch time" all day long. i was even thinking that if he didn't break it off, i probably would because i was just SO SICK of his crap!
this heart of mine was broken at 10:01:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
single-awareness day
Dear heart,
i baked vince some peanut butter cookies because those are his favorites. i also made him this arrested development card. it said, "i heard it was valentines day, and i just wanted to say- i know i go bananas, then again you do, too. We wonder WHO WHERE WHEN and WHAT DID THEY DO? Instead of being blue, let's think of all our laughter. Instead of freaking out, let's make love and cuddle after. Because of all the guys I know, you're the only one. Come on! It's valetine's day so let's have some fun." Yeah, it's a bit lame. i haven't even heard from him since i gave it to him this morning when i was running late for JA.
i wonder what i shall end up doing tonight. i really just want to go to vince's to cuddle and watch the last disc of arrested development. but i don't even know what time he gets off or if he's doing something tonight. i feel particularly cold today and everyone thinks i'm a martian for wearin my puffy jacket around. i think i'm cold because my heart is empty. there is no fire in my life. actually vince is the fire in the life and anthony seems to be the fan. but what happens when you're far from both and you just can't feel the warmth.
i feel all these things that i can't really explain right now. almost everyone has left early because it is valentines day and they have someone worth it to spend it with. while i sit here in the office waiting for some kind of sign that vince cares enough to call me or want to hang out with me on valentines day. there are days when i can be alone- when i even CRAVE that alone time. but not today. anyday but today.
i called vince again and his voicemail changed which means he was not at work this whole time. what has he been doing? did the card freak him out? did he have plans with some other person for valetines day? did he go all out for someone else? ugh i'm so sick of today. i just wish it would be OVER already.
i baked vince some peanut butter cookies because those are his favorites. i also made him this arrested development card. it said, "i heard it was valentines day, and i just wanted to say- i know i go bananas, then again you do, too. We wonder WHO WHERE WHEN and WHAT DID THEY DO? Instead of being blue, let's think of all our laughter. Instead of freaking out, let's make love and cuddle after. Because of all the guys I know, you're the only one. Come on! It's valetine's day so let's have some fun." Yeah, it's a bit lame. i haven't even heard from him since i gave it to him this morning when i was running late for JA.
i wonder what i shall end up doing tonight. i really just want to go to vince's to cuddle and watch the last disc of arrested development. but i don't even know what time he gets off or if he's doing something tonight. i feel particularly cold today and everyone thinks i'm a martian for wearin my puffy jacket around. i think i'm cold because my heart is empty. there is no fire in my life. actually vince is the fire in the life and anthony seems to be the fan. but what happens when you're far from both and you just can't feel the warmth.
i feel all these things that i can't really explain right now. almost everyone has left early because it is valentines day and they have someone worth it to spend it with. while i sit here in the office waiting for some kind of sign that vince cares enough to call me or want to hang out with me on valentines day. there are days when i can be alone- when i even CRAVE that alone time. but not today. anyday but today.
i called vince again and his voicemail changed which means he was not at work this whole time. what has he been doing? did the card freak him out? did he have plans with some other person for valetines day? did he go all out for someone else? ugh i'm so sick of today. i just wish it would be OVER already.
this heart of mine was broken at 3:27:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, February 12, 2007
surrender control
Dear heart,
i think i will make a conscious decision to just trust vince from now on. i'm just going to surrender control. thinking about what he COULD be doing is affecting what i could be doing with my life. if he's going to screw this up, that's his problem. there ARE other guys.
there is anthony who is actually honest and the best relationship i've ever been in. maybe it's the fact that i have other things to distract me from the occasional distance. either way he is there enough for me to not stress out and he is away enough for me to still get those butterflies when i see him. i think that is why the anthony is working out best. i'm not constantly trying to control the situation. i just let him be. i mean, i tried to in the beginning and would stress about it but i think we've moved forward a lot further than any girl that had escalating stress about what's been going on between her and anthony. the thing that really helps ease things with anthony is that i trust him completely. it's hard for me to put that trust on anyone but he has it. i know he'd tell me the truth no matter how much it hurts. but in that way, it can hurt less.
the way i see it, i just can't do anything about what he does and making it my idee fixe doesn't help my attitude towards him that might influence what he might be doing behind my back. the only thing i can control is how i act or how i receive his actions. and now, i will just dust it off my shoulders. i still like him and would like to someday be in a crazy, dramatic relationship with him. but for now, we aren't together so why am i acting like we are? why am i stressing out over someone who might not even be noteworthy in the future?
but he can't trust me, and i wish he would surrender control. i mean, really. what can he do? you will never be with a person 24/7 knowing every little thing that they do, so drop the stress and let them be. put your trust on someone that they won't do anything stupid. cuz that's what i'm doing and i feel like it's just this big weight off my shoulder.
i think i will make a conscious decision to just trust vince from now on. i'm just going to surrender control. thinking about what he COULD be doing is affecting what i could be doing with my life. if he's going to screw this up, that's his problem. there ARE other guys.
there is anthony who is actually honest and the best relationship i've ever been in. maybe it's the fact that i have other things to distract me from the occasional distance. either way he is there enough for me to not stress out and he is away enough for me to still get those butterflies when i see him. i think that is why the anthony is working out best. i'm not constantly trying to control the situation. i just let him be. i mean, i tried to in the beginning and would stress about it but i think we've moved forward a lot further than any girl that had escalating stress about what's been going on between her and anthony. the thing that really helps ease things with anthony is that i trust him completely. it's hard for me to put that trust on anyone but he has it. i know he'd tell me the truth no matter how much it hurts. but in that way, it can hurt less.
the way i see it, i just can't do anything about what he does and making it my idee fixe doesn't help my attitude towards him that might influence what he might be doing behind my back. the only thing i can control is how i act or how i receive his actions. and now, i will just dust it off my shoulders. i still like him and would like to someday be in a crazy, dramatic relationship with him. but for now, we aren't together so why am i acting like we are? why am i stressing out over someone who might not even be noteworthy in the future?
but he can't trust me, and i wish he would surrender control. i mean, really. what can he do? you will never be with a person 24/7 knowing every little thing that they do, so drop the stress and let them be. put your trust on someone that they won't do anything stupid. cuz that's what i'm doing and i feel like it's just this big weight off my shoulder.
this heart of mine was broken at 5:52:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
it's getting bad
Dear heart,
i think my bulimia is getting a little uncontrollable. i used to only throw up when i felt like i over-ate but now i feel like i over-eat with EVERY meal. but i feel really sick to my stomache after eating. i don't know what to do. i just ate a cup of strawberry ice cream and i knew it had to go. i need to start eating properly or all that money wasted on food will keep being flushed down the toilet, literally.
i think my bulimia is getting a little uncontrollable. i used to only throw up when i felt like i over-ate but now i feel like i over-eat with EVERY meal. but i feel really sick to my stomache after eating. i don't know what to do. i just ate a cup of strawberry ice cream and i knew it had to go. i need to start eating properly or all that money wasted on food will keep being flushed down the toilet, literally.
this heart of mine was broken at 1:54:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, February 10, 2007
KRS ONE!
Dear heart,
i ended up going to the blue cafe with vince last night. we got in free to watch KRS ONE. OMG! it was SO much fun! the energy of that crowd was so intense and vince standing behind me with his arms around me while we move to the beat was AWESOME. then he'd lead me somewhere by holding my hand. i think i'm really into that. i just feel like a little girl helplessly being led by a stronger, more capable person. it taps into the damsel in distress side of me.
that kettle and pineapple i had got me a little tipsy. he was introducing me to some of his friends and someone named Big Bird asked if i was his girl. a first he said, "yeah," then "kind of," and finally, "just for tonight." i hit him and says "i'm just kidding" after a long pause. i don't know what he was kidding about exactly but we were both relieved to change the subject.
we walked to the car and made random jokes about arrested development. we were watching my random clips on my zen while driving. we got to his place and had some bomb sex. we sat on the couch and fell asleep. i asked for a blanket because i got cold. he went to his room, made his bed, and told me to get in.
he gets ready for bed and joins me. i didn't even go home in the morning. i just stayed. one of my first memories of this morning was his hand on my waist pulling me closer to him. when i was fully awake, we entangle our legs and had great wake-up sex. SO great, in fact, that right after he made an exclamation that showed it was WOW, because it really was. he tells me he has to take care of some stuff in pomona and i was already an hour and a half late to work.
so far, my morning is starting out wonderfully. PLUS my mom didn't even notice that i didn't come home last night. SO excited about that fact. i was already thinking up stories that could have been a reasonable excuse to not come home last night.
there's a valentines dance tonight and i have no date. i asked vince and he said he'll let me know if he'd be back in long beach by then. i'm taking that as a no. i told anthony about it but i knew he wouldn't wanna go anyway. i felt kinda sh*tty because anthony called me last night and i couln't answer because vince was already walking to the car and i couldn't act or say the same things if he was there. i called and told him i went to a hip hop show last night. i hate when he asks me questions that force me to lie. he asked me who i went with and i told him mari and his friends. he told me he didn't know what he was doing tonight and asked what i was doing. too bad i had the dance.
i watch WICKED tomorrow with my mom and sister but i hope i can see anthony afterwards and watch pan labyrinth with him. unfotunately, i'm kind of in that attachment phase with vince again. whenever there are a few consecutive days of seeing him and really having fun, it really makes me want to spend every waking moment with him. the sleeping together thing and waking up to someone really gets me. i think that's what made me like anthony so much more when he would sleep over. that's what made me like vince a lot fairly quickly in the beginning. he was always sleeping over and coming over. gosh i can be so easy! all they have to do is sleep with me, but not in the way most people may think.
i ended up going to the blue cafe with vince last night. we got in free to watch KRS ONE. OMG! it was SO much fun! the energy of that crowd was so intense and vince standing behind me with his arms around me while we move to the beat was AWESOME. then he'd lead me somewhere by holding my hand. i think i'm really into that. i just feel like a little girl helplessly being led by a stronger, more capable person. it taps into the damsel in distress side of me.
that kettle and pineapple i had got me a little tipsy. he was introducing me to some of his friends and someone named Big Bird asked if i was his girl. a first he said, "yeah," then "kind of," and finally, "just for tonight." i hit him and says "i'm just kidding" after a long pause. i don't know what he was kidding about exactly but we were both relieved to change the subject.
we walked to the car and made random jokes about arrested development. we were watching my random clips on my zen while driving. we got to his place and had some bomb sex. we sat on the couch and fell asleep. i asked for a blanket because i got cold. he went to his room, made his bed, and told me to get in.
he gets ready for bed and joins me. i didn't even go home in the morning. i just stayed. one of my first memories of this morning was his hand on my waist pulling me closer to him. when i was fully awake, we entangle our legs and had great wake-up sex. SO great, in fact, that right after he made an exclamation that showed it was WOW, because it really was. he tells me he has to take care of some stuff in pomona and i was already an hour and a half late to work.
so far, my morning is starting out wonderfully. PLUS my mom didn't even notice that i didn't come home last night. SO excited about that fact. i was already thinking up stories that could have been a reasonable excuse to not come home last night.
there's a valentines dance tonight and i have no date. i asked vince and he said he'll let me know if he'd be back in long beach by then. i'm taking that as a no. i told anthony about it but i knew he wouldn't wanna go anyway. i felt kinda sh*tty because anthony called me last night and i couln't answer because vince was already walking to the car and i couldn't act or say the same things if he was there. i called and told him i went to a hip hop show last night. i hate when he asks me questions that force me to lie. he asked me who i went with and i told him mari and his friends. he told me he didn't know what he was doing tonight and asked what i was doing. too bad i had the dance.
i watch WICKED tomorrow with my mom and sister but i hope i can see anthony afterwards and watch pan labyrinth with him. unfotunately, i'm kind of in that attachment phase with vince again. whenever there are a few consecutive days of seeing him and really having fun, it really makes me want to spend every waking moment with him. the sleeping together thing and waking up to someone really gets me. i think that's what made me like anthony so much more when he would sleep over. that's what made me like vince a lot fairly quickly in the beginning. he was always sleeping over and coming over. gosh i can be so easy! all they have to do is sleep with me, but not in the way most people may think.
this heart of mine was broken at 9:56:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, February 09, 2007
i choose you!
Dear heart,
sandra brought up the question that if it really came down to it, who would i choose: anthony or vince?
where i am with anthony is a miracle. i think this is the further he has ever been with any girl. he posted that question thing online where you could ask him any 1 question and he would hafto answer it truthfully. i asked, "if you actually wanted a girlfriend right now, would you ever consider me as that girl?" and he replies with "yes u r very sweet to me, the nicest that any girl has ever been to me!" that is SO not like the anthony i first met. i also really like the fact that there is never really any drama or pressure with him. he has never been mad at me and each time we see each other is just this great experience. i can talk to him and we've had some deep conversations but i love the phone and he can't last on it. even though its not a noticeable problem, but sometimes i get lonely and i want to talk to someone but phone time with him won't last more than maybe 15 minutes tops and that RARELY happens. his maturity level isn't (uh... how do we say?)"developed" yet. i hate how he talks about wangs and all that crap all the time always trying to look hard. he is an excellent kisser and alright in bed.
vince, on the other hand, is all kinds of drama every day of the damn week! he' jealous of any and everyone that is near me. he's paranoid and he never believes anything that i say. he's so quick to accuse me and he NEVER picks up his damn phone. you KNOW how much i hate that. but besides all that, i can talk to him on the phone for hours. he's one of those people i can just sit with and not speak while doing our own thing. i can be on the phone with him while he paints and i'm on the computer. or we fall asleep on the phone together. and when we hang out, it's so fun. we laugh at the same things and i just feel so much more alive with him. but i don't even kiss vince, except he is the best sex i have ever had.
i really thought about it and at first i thought i wanted them the same, but in different ways. but when it really comes down to it i would choose vince. like i said, i can see myself with him. the "half-relationship bit" is just not gonna work forever for me. vince and i already act like this couple who'd been together forever. so natural and even the possiveness comes almost naturally too.
i can't believe i've reached my decision. i'm not going to do anything about that now in case i change my mind later. but if vince ever asked me to be with him, i would let anthony go.
sandra brought up the question that if it really came down to it, who would i choose: anthony or vince?
where i am with anthony is a miracle. i think this is the further he has ever been with any girl. he posted that question thing online where you could ask him any 1 question and he would hafto answer it truthfully. i asked, "if you actually wanted a girlfriend right now, would you ever consider me as that girl?" and he replies with "yes u r very sweet to me, the nicest that any girl has ever been to me!" that is SO not like the anthony i first met. i also really like the fact that there is never really any drama or pressure with him. he has never been mad at me and each time we see each other is just this great experience. i can talk to him and we've had some deep conversations but i love the phone and he can't last on it. even though its not a noticeable problem, but sometimes i get lonely and i want to talk to someone but phone time with him won't last more than maybe 15 minutes tops and that RARELY happens. his maturity level isn't (uh... how do we say?)"developed" yet. i hate how he talks about wangs and all that crap all the time always trying to look hard. he is an excellent kisser and alright in bed.
vince, on the other hand, is all kinds of drama every day of the damn week! he' jealous of any and everyone that is near me. he's paranoid and he never believes anything that i say. he's so quick to accuse me and he NEVER picks up his damn phone. you KNOW how much i hate that. but besides all that, i can talk to him on the phone for hours. he's one of those people i can just sit with and not speak while doing our own thing. i can be on the phone with him while he paints and i'm on the computer. or we fall asleep on the phone together. and when we hang out, it's so fun. we laugh at the same things and i just feel so much more alive with him. but i don't even kiss vince, except he is the best sex i have ever had.
i really thought about it and at first i thought i wanted them the same, but in different ways. but when it really comes down to it i would choose vince. like i said, i can see myself with him. the "half-relationship bit" is just not gonna work forever for me. vince and i already act like this couple who'd been together forever. so natural and even the possiveness comes almost naturally too.
i can't believe i've reached my decision. i'm not going to do anything about that now in case i change my mind later. but if vince ever asked me to be with him, i would let anthony go.
this heart of mine was broken at 7:58:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
what a day!
Dear heart,
we had the campaign dinner yesterday and we were all excited to go in our pirate outfits. leonard was drawing a pen ink tattoo of DOWN on my knuckles while he had TOWN. he even said we could say we were "married" and that we were "mates" it just feels weird because of our past. he was holding my hand and drawing on it. then anthony calls me because he is downstairs to pick me up for lunch.
i go to lunch with israel and anthony to that mexican hole-in-the-wall place that made my *ss burn. i got invited to go to vegas with maria, izzy, anthony, connie and some other girls and guys. so basically 6 girls and 8 guys. OMG!
when we were leaving, i bump into israel and he says something about me trying to get up on his wang. anthony looks at me and asks if that was true. i gave him a look and say, "yeah i am." he goes on to say how it's over between us then. so i shrug and tel him fine or alright. i find it confusing that he can want to end things (even though he was pretending) when we weren't even in anything that can be over. i remembered what roxy said that he wanted me all for himself.
he chills at my office for a bit and sees the picture of himself on my bulletin board. thank god i took that picture of vince and me at my birthday down when we "broke up" last week. he asks me about guys at work and my relations with them. someone called me and i ignored their call. he said it was messed up and if he ever found out that i did that to him, which i have, it would be over. why all the threats all of a sudden of things being OVER between us when i don't remember it ever starting? and would it be ok if i started talking like that?
i go to that dinner and leonard and i are showing off our DOWN and TOWN tattoos. we make plans to hang out after the dinner. i'm almost home when he calls me and he invites me to a pre-party at his friend's house. so i head to long beach and call him when i get out the freeway. he didn't answer so i go to vince's place. when i get there, leonard calls me and i talk to him about hanging out. vince asked me who it was and i informed him it was my ex boss.
i ended up going to belmont station with vince and jordie. leonard calls me when we get there and i'm trying to tell him that i probably won't be able to hang out and he calls me whack. i'm trying to explain myself and don't really notice how vince is acting which i'm sure he's pretty pissed about how i'm talking to leonard.
at the bar, leonard called me to ask if i was having fun and to be safe. when i come back from the bathroom, i see vince talking to some gay guy and i guess he is telling him how much he looks like K-FED... kevin federline. and he starts introducing him to girls that are K-FED fans. it was really pissing me off. once jordie told me he'd buy me a shot and i go to the bar. i turn around and vince is talking to that gay guy and some chick. i was so pissed off i went to the bathroom and called anthony. he was about to sleep but sounded happy to hear from me. i felt better knowing he was out there somewhere caring about me. i came back out with a fake smile.
vince starts asking if i had an "emergency phone call." then anthony calls me back and asked if i was going home yet because he wanted to see me. at this point, vince is just really pissed off and so am i. i hate that all these girls are getting introduced to him, taking pictures with him, and touching him! but when we'd hear a good song, we'd forget our anger and dance together. i LOVE how he dances! so damn talented!
anyway, we end up in better terms. he is so drunk and driving like a madman thru the alleys without even pausing to see if cars were coming when crossing the intersection. OMG! then we stop by carls jr and some people in front of us were taking forever on their order. they were acting dumb and reving up the car and honking. i was so damn embarassed to be in the car.
he drops me off at my car and asks me what i'm gonna do. i mess around and say, "ima go party." first of all, its 2:30 in the morning. secondly, you could see it in my face that i was joking. but i guess drunks can't see that. he says something about hooking up with my ex boss. or that he thinks i'm messing around with other people. when i deny it, he says he doesn't believe me. i tell him to stop, kiss his neck, and tell him i'd meet him at his place. we get inside and he just hugs me for a long time. then we lie down and he brings it up again. then he starts saying stupid crap that, i swear, was going to make me get up, walk away, and never talk to him forever. he was all, "i think you're seeing other people but hey its not my goods, right?" um ok... he can SO change that. i could be his so easily. i really could. all he'd hafto do was ask. but he hasn't so why the hell is he tripping?
he ends up passing out and i tuck him in and drive home. he calls me in the morning and asked me what happened the night before. i recap it for him and he tells me to come over before work. so i do. we just cuddle in bed. see! that's what i'm talking about. that comfort makes me delusional like i truly believe that being in vince's arms is where i should be.
we had the campaign dinner yesterday and we were all excited to go in our pirate outfits. leonard was drawing a pen ink tattoo of DOWN on my knuckles while he had TOWN. he even said we could say we were "married" and that we were "mates" it just feels weird because of our past. he was holding my hand and drawing on it. then anthony calls me because he is downstairs to pick me up for lunch.
i go to lunch with israel and anthony to that mexican hole-in-the-wall place that made my *ss burn. i got invited to go to vegas with maria, izzy, anthony, connie and some other girls and guys. so basically 6 girls and 8 guys. OMG!
when we were leaving, i bump into israel and he says something about me trying to get up on his wang. anthony looks at me and asks if that was true. i gave him a look and say, "yeah i am." he goes on to say how it's over between us then. so i shrug and tel him fine or alright. i find it confusing that he can want to end things (even though he was pretending) when we weren't even in anything that can be over. i remembered what roxy said that he wanted me all for himself.
he chills at my office for a bit and sees the picture of himself on my bulletin board. thank god i took that picture of vince and me at my birthday down when we "broke up" last week. he asks me about guys at work and my relations with them. someone called me and i ignored their call. he said it was messed up and if he ever found out that i did that to him, which i have, it would be over. why all the threats all of a sudden of things being OVER between us when i don't remember it ever starting? and would it be ok if i started talking like that?
i go to that dinner and leonard and i are showing off our DOWN and TOWN tattoos. we make plans to hang out after the dinner. i'm almost home when he calls me and he invites me to a pre-party at his friend's house. so i head to long beach and call him when i get out the freeway. he didn't answer so i go to vince's place. when i get there, leonard calls me and i talk to him about hanging out. vince asked me who it was and i informed him it was my ex boss.
i ended up going to belmont station with vince and jordie. leonard calls me when we get there and i'm trying to tell him that i probably won't be able to hang out and he calls me whack. i'm trying to explain myself and don't really notice how vince is acting which i'm sure he's pretty pissed about how i'm talking to leonard.
at the bar, leonard called me to ask if i was having fun and to be safe. when i come back from the bathroom, i see vince talking to some gay guy and i guess he is telling him how much he looks like K-FED... kevin federline. and he starts introducing him to girls that are K-FED fans. it was really pissing me off. once jordie told me he'd buy me a shot and i go to the bar. i turn around and vince is talking to that gay guy and some chick. i was so pissed off i went to the bathroom and called anthony. he was about to sleep but sounded happy to hear from me. i felt better knowing he was out there somewhere caring about me. i came back out with a fake smile.
vince starts asking if i had an "emergency phone call." then anthony calls me back and asked if i was going home yet because he wanted to see me. at this point, vince is just really pissed off and so am i. i hate that all these girls are getting introduced to him, taking pictures with him, and touching him! but when we'd hear a good song, we'd forget our anger and dance together. i LOVE how he dances! so damn talented!
anyway, we end up in better terms. he is so drunk and driving like a madman thru the alleys without even pausing to see if cars were coming when crossing the intersection. OMG! then we stop by carls jr and some people in front of us were taking forever on their order. they were acting dumb and reving up the car and honking. i was so damn embarassed to be in the car.
he drops me off at my car and asks me what i'm gonna do. i mess around and say, "ima go party." first of all, its 2:30 in the morning. secondly, you could see it in my face that i was joking. but i guess drunks can't see that. he says something about hooking up with my ex boss. or that he thinks i'm messing around with other people. when i deny it, he says he doesn't believe me. i tell him to stop, kiss his neck, and tell him i'd meet him at his place. we get inside and he just hugs me for a long time. then we lie down and he brings it up again. then he starts saying stupid crap that, i swear, was going to make me get up, walk away, and never talk to him forever. he was all, "i think you're seeing other people but hey its not my goods, right?" um ok... he can SO change that. i could be his so easily. i really could. all he'd hafto do was ask. but he hasn't so why the hell is he tripping?
he ends up passing out and i tuck him in and drive home. he calls me in the morning and asked me what happened the night before. i recap it for him and he tells me to come over before work. so i do. we just cuddle in bed. see! that's what i'm talking about. that comfort makes me delusional like i truly believe that being in vince's arms is where i should be.
this heart of mine was broken at 3:40:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
he's got a way with me
Dear heart,
anthony has a way of making me happy with just the simple things that he does. it was his day off today and he wanted to have lunch with me. he was gonna drive all the way to downtown long beach to do so. unfortunately, my co-workers and i were on a mission to find pirate accesories for our theme dinner tomorrow.
i was supposed to see him after work but i really felt like spending some time with vince because i knew it was one of those days where he got off early. so i talked to anthony on the phone and he didn't sound up to going out either which was perfect. we postpone his lunch offer for tomorrow. he's gonna drive to my work and pick me up and take me to that excellent mexican food place that made my *ss bleed. haha
i'm at vince's and he looks like he had a bad day. i give him a massage and we watch an episode of arrested development. we do it and i leave. i watch american idol with my family and then prepare my food for tomorrow.
i check myspace and i find an angry comment from antoinette. she wanted to go to club bang next saturday but i'm going to that hockey game with anthony. i feel frustrated because usually when i have a problem i tell her and now i couldn't. oddly enough the first person i talk to is anthony. i tell him about it and he thought i didn't want to go anymore. he then informs me that he is sleeping at his friend's house. but he will definitely make it to lunch tomorrow. i tell him about my intestinal adventures with a chile verde burrito and i remembered how much he liked my stories. he is at some girls house but is just talking to me like what she thinks doesn't matter- which i'm sure it really doesn't. we hang up and i don't feel threatened at all.
well... maybe a little because i proceed to text him with "are you gonna wang bang your friend? i don't care if you are. i was just wondering." he calls me back telling me that she is ugly to him. i hear her in the background and i guess she wants to talk to me. it was roxy but she assures me that they are friends and if he's sleeping over, he's gonna sleep outside (her room). she told me she met me at the movies and she was apologizing for looking ugly that day and i was saying she was pretty.
anthony gets back on the phone and asks me if i'm wang banging some other guys and i had to lie. what could i really tell him? yes? i ask him back and he says no. he tells me that he just asked because i did. and then i hear roxy say in the background that he's asking because he wants me all to himself. the funny thing was he didn't argue with it or disagree. he didn't even get flustered. he confirms lunch with me tomorrow and says goodnight. i repeat that i do NOT care but i was just wondering. i don't know who i was trying to fool because i wasn't too convincing.
vince called me right now. he was just telling me good night. we exchanged a few of our inside jokes and went on our merry ways. will a half-boyfriend and an almost relationship equal to a zero valentine again this year? i sure hope not. vince doesn't care enough about me to do something for me for valentines day. i'm sure that day doesn't even register in the mind of anthony. so i guess i must hide out at home while i watch my happily married parents be in love and watch american idol...
anthony has a way of making me happy with just the simple things that he does. it was his day off today and he wanted to have lunch with me. he was gonna drive all the way to downtown long beach to do so. unfortunately, my co-workers and i were on a mission to find pirate accesories for our theme dinner tomorrow.
i was supposed to see him after work but i really felt like spending some time with vince because i knew it was one of those days where he got off early. so i talked to anthony on the phone and he didn't sound up to going out either which was perfect. we postpone his lunch offer for tomorrow. he's gonna drive to my work and pick me up and take me to that excellent mexican food place that made my *ss bleed. haha
i'm at vince's and he looks like he had a bad day. i give him a massage and we watch an episode of arrested development. we do it and i leave. i watch american idol with my family and then prepare my food for tomorrow.
i check myspace and i find an angry comment from antoinette. she wanted to go to club bang next saturday but i'm going to that hockey game with anthony. i feel frustrated because usually when i have a problem i tell her and now i couldn't. oddly enough the first person i talk to is anthony. i tell him about it and he thought i didn't want to go anymore. he then informs me that he is sleeping at his friend's house. but he will definitely make it to lunch tomorrow. i tell him about my intestinal adventures with a chile verde burrito and i remembered how much he liked my stories. he is at some girls house but is just talking to me like what she thinks doesn't matter- which i'm sure it really doesn't. we hang up and i don't feel threatened at all.
well... maybe a little because i proceed to text him with "are you gonna wang bang your friend? i don't care if you are. i was just wondering." he calls me back telling me that she is ugly to him. i hear her in the background and i guess she wants to talk to me. it was roxy but she assures me that they are friends and if he's sleeping over, he's gonna sleep outside (her room). she told me she met me at the movies and she was apologizing for looking ugly that day and i was saying she was pretty.
anthony gets back on the phone and asks me if i'm wang banging some other guys and i had to lie. what could i really tell him? yes? i ask him back and he says no. he tells me that he just asked because i did. and then i hear roxy say in the background that he's asking because he wants me all to himself. the funny thing was he didn't argue with it or disagree. he didn't even get flustered. he confirms lunch with me tomorrow and says goodnight. i repeat that i do NOT care but i was just wondering. i don't know who i was trying to fool because i wasn't too convincing.
vince called me right now. he was just telling me good night. we exchanged a few of our inside jokes and went on our merry ways. will a half-boyfriend and an almost relationship equal to a zero valentine again this year? i sure hope not. vince doesn't care enough about me to do something for me for valentines day. i'm sure that day doesn't even register in the mind of anthony. so i guess i must hide out at home while i watch my happily married parents be in love and watch american idol...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:51:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, February 05, 2007
not-talking-about-things works
Dear heart,
i think vince and i are seeing each other again. thursday i didn't call him at all. at like one in the morning, he texted me "how was your day?" i told him it went by fast because i was a sub at a school. then the next day i text him that it was scary being in the office by myself. he texted me back with "what time are u at the office till?" i told him 6:30. he called me when i was almost off work but i missed it because i was in the bathroom. i played it cool talking to him because i really didn't care at this point. and i was still a little angry but confused as to why he is talking to me. he tells me to call him when i get off work.
i call and he's asking me what i'm doing that night. i tell him all the possibilites which were a hip hop show, manhattan beach, the pike, or pete's after-show party. he told me he'd call me around 9 when it's free and see what's up. antoinette and i ended up going to the Pike with brian from work. vince kept calling that night! he wanted to meet us up there but i just ignored his call because i knew seeing him might kill my night. so i talk to him later and he falls asleep on the phone with me. i laughed saying it was either because i was boring or he was just really tired.
the next day i had work at 7. i was a little late so i was rushing. vince called me a littl before lunch but i couldn't pick up because i was in the training. he was just wondering if i was at the office because he wanted to stop by and see me real quick. i told him i'd call him when i got off. i finally got off around 4 and he didn't answer his phone so i just stopped by.
it's weird how i think i'd "catch him" doing something if i just show up at his place. but he was just painting all kinds of genius. i sleep on his couch and he gets on the phone talking to some girl about her problems. i get up to go to my car to get m jacket. he thinks i'm leaving so he gets up and asks "what's that all about?"
when i come back in, he told me he thought for sure i was leaving. we sit on the couch for a bit in silence. i didn't want to touch him because i didn't want him to think that JUST because i came over, everything was ok. because it really wasn't. i don't know how we started wrestling but we did and he wasn't going easy on me. i have bruises to prove it! then... we started trying to take each others pants/shorts off as part of our rough-housing. i don't know at what point wrestling changed to "i want you, again." i remember laying there after and thinking "damn! what does this mean?"
on monday, i come by during my break between school and work to his place. we eat and just lay there caressing each other because we're too full to do anything. i didn't want to leave. later that night, i'm looking at some pictures of a dress i fell in love with at anthropologie
i think vince and i are seeing each other again. thursday i didn't call him at all. at like one in the morning, he texted me "how was your day?" i told him it went by fast because i was a sub at a school. then the next day i text him that it was scary being in the office by myself. he texted me back with "what time are u at the office till?" i told him 6:30. he called me when i was almost off work but i missed it because i was in the bathroom. i played it cool talking to him because i really didn't care at this point. and i was still a little angry but confused as to why he is talking to me. he tells me to call him when i get off work.
i call and he's asking me what i'm doing that night. i tell him all the possibilites which were a hip hop show, manhattan beach, the pike, or pete's after-show party. he told me he'd call me around 9 when it's free and see what's up. antoinette and i ended up going to the Pike with brian from work. vince kept calling that night! he wanted to meet us up there but i just ignored his call because i knew seeing him might kill my night. so i talk to him later and he falls asleep on the phone with me. i laughed saying it was either because i was boring or he was just really tired.
the next day i had work at 7. i was a little late so i was rushing. vince called me a littl before lunch but i couldn't pick up because i was in the training. he was just wondering if i was at the office because he wanted to stop by and see me real quick. i told him i'd call him when i got off. i finally got off around 4 and he didn't answer his phone so i just stopped by.
it's weird how i think i'd "catch him" doing something if i just show up at his place. but he was just painting all kinds of genius. i sleep on his couch and he gets on the phone talking to some girl about her problems. i get up to go to my car to get m jacket. he thinks i'm leaving so he gets up and asks "what's that all about?"
when i come back in, he told me he thought for sure i was leaving. we sit on the couch for a bit in silence. i didn't want to touch him because i didn't want him to think that JUST because i came over, everything was ok. because it really wasn't. i don't know how we started wrestling but we did and he wasn't going easy on me. i have bruises to prove it! then... we started trying to take each others pants/shorts off as part of our rough-housing. i don't know at what point wrestling changed to "i want you, again." i remember laying there after and thinking "damn! what does this mean?"
on monday, i come by during my break between school and work to his place. we eat and just lay there caressing each other because we're too full to do anything. i didn't want to leave. later that night, i'm looking at some pictures of a dress i fell in love with at anthropologie
this heart of mine was broken at 10:37:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, February 02, 2007
bad decision
Dear heart,
that last letter.... yeah.... i should NOT have sent it! from there, it all went downhill. now we have stopped seeing each other and it almost sucks if i still had the capacity to give a sh*t. ok, so i do. a little.
he called me right now but i wasn't in my office. i haven't talked to him since wednesday night when he ended things. my tummy is doing sommersaults and i don't think that's healthy. ok so he called again and he said to call him after work. what does that mean? does he want to see me? he can't just DO that. what does he think? or maybe its closure. i still need my camera and charger back. i am supposed to eat dinner with eddie after work.
what if he wants to see me? do i really want to see him right now? i just ate chicken lunch meat and my breath is kicking. not that i expect any mouth contact. i do want to have sex with him. he's like the best i've ever had. but i don't want him to think its that easy. wednesday night hurt. it's funny because even though you think you're over feelings and all that emotion crap- you get hurt to remind you that you're still human. sometimes i forget that i am. i feel like i'm above it all.
that last letter.... yeah.... i should NOT have sent it! from there, it all went downhill. now we have stopped seeing each other and it almost sucks if i still had the capacity to give a sh*t. ok, so i do. a little.
he called me right now but i wasn't in my office. i haven't talked to him since wednesday night when he ended things. my tummy is doing sommersaults and i don't think that's healthy. ok so he called again and he said to call him after work. what does that mean? does he want to see me? he can't just DO that. what does he think? or maybe its closure. i still need my camera and charger back. i am supposed to eat dinner with eddie after work.
what if he wants to see me? do i really want to see him right now? i just ate chicken lunch meat and my breath is kicking. not that i expect any mouth contact. i do want to have sex with him. he's like the best i've ever had. but i don't want him to think its that easy. wednesday night hurt. it's funny because even though you think you're over feelings and all that emotion crap- you get hurt to remind you that you're still human. sometimes i forget that i am. i feel like i'm above it all.
this heart of mine was broken at 9:33:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, January 22, 2007
will i really send this?
Dear heart,
I just wanted to apologize for the way I have been acting lately. I have been asking nosey questions which is unexcusable because I really have no right to be asking those things. It's just I feel like I'm really starting to like you. Sometimes people do or say crazy things and it's because they are afraid of getting hurt. I guess acting that way is a way of making sure nothing is going to sneak up behind them and bite them in the ass.
We haven't known each other that long and we really don't know each other well enough to know what kind of person the other is. I don't know what kind of person you were in your past relationships: if you lied, cheated, murdered someone, whatever, but like you said, we should find those things out for ourselves. I don't know if you'll crush my heart into smitherines but then I don't know either if you're the one for me. Kinda creepy to be thinking about it so early but hey! All relationships started somewhere. Really, it doesn't matter what we were like before with other people or what we did. All that matters is how we are with each other. All I really ask for is honesty. No matter how much it hurts, I want to hear the truth and I promise you that you will get the same in return. I always expect this from people I associate myself with (friends, lovers, family, co-workers, etc.) so I'm just letting you know straight up how important that is. I might be paranoid about things but I am pretty trusting and will believe what people say. Once I am lied to, that trust is seriously lost forever. But I want you to know that you can trust me, and I won't lie to you. I know it's only words but- what do we have right now? Just know that I have never given you any reason to distrust me so I should have the benefit of the doubt. So let's trust each other and just go with it. I hate the uncertainties of trust, though. It's like you say "Here, take care of this" to someone else and really expect them to do so. All you can really do is take what they gave you and take care of it, hoping they are doing the same. That's what I hate about trusting other people- the out-of-controlness! I NEED control in my life. Sometimes I try to talk myself out of liking you, which is what I always do so it won't hurt so much if you it doesn't work out.
Like I was saying, I am paranoid, but then again so are you. I don't know if that combination is necessarily a good thing but at least we understand each other. I don't know about you but I've had a pretty shitty past, so some of my suspicion and jealousy might stem from that. And sometimes you don't really help with some of the things you do like when you left the couch to talk to some girl on the phone in your room, introducing me as "Chessa" like you don't want your friends to know my real name like you're trying to hide me (do you feel I'm not good enough for you or do your friends think you're with some other girl and bringing me along would just be drama for you?), texting at god-forsaken hours to god-knows-who, your random let-me-call-you-back's (why do you suddenly need to hang up?), or when you put me on hold and never came back (i still wonder who you left me for), and when you don't answer your phone. I realize people can't pick up their phone all the time but really I've had bad experiences with unanswered phone calls where I get anxiety over it because I can imagine a million possibilites of why it's not being answered. Overall though, I think it's just my personality. I like attention and if someone I'm giving my undivided attention to is giving their attention elsewhere, whether I am with them or not, I might get a little upset. I mean I have gone out with guys and not give a rats ass who they saw or what they did just because I didn't really care enough about them. If I ever found out about anyone else, they would have been gone but I wasn't stressing out about it just because I didn't think it would go anywhere anyway.
Seeing as how it's been a little more than a month, this might sound like a psychotic letter. But I can see myself with you. I can just see this going places. I can see myself falling for you. I can see myself getting to that point of complete trust that no matter what crazy thoughts I have in my mind, I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and just believe you won't hurt me.
When we spend time together, I genuinely enjoy myself with whatever we're doing. Simple things like running with you, watching you work out at the park, staying in at your place and laughing at arrested development with you, watching you paint, laying beside you- just solidify the fact that I have a blast with you. It's just the whole "being with you" that feels like where I should be. God! That sounds so corny! I mean, I feel so comfortable with you. I even felt it the first time I went to your place- this instant comfort like we knew each other already. With a lot of guys, I can already feel myself getting bored with them. That's why I don't have a boyfriend- because I get bored easily. I'm never afraid that I'll get bored with you because I already know it's not going to happen.
I just feel like my feelings are escalating faster than yours are and it's scaring me. I'm tired of feelings things for people who won't ever care enough about me. I mean, I'm sure you care at some degree but when I care... I REALLY do. Then it starts to show and then you might feel like "Cool, I can so take advantage of this" and then I'm screwed. I've already been fucked over so many times and I'm tired of fucking people over so why can't it all just stop right now. It's hard to find someone who just does it for you. Someone you want to just be with and to be good to. I honestly think i found that in you. I don't even know if you want that or are ready for all that.
I just hate feeling this way about you. Hey, I can't control this shit! I can just see myself slowly slipping into this feeling for you. I want to keep a part of me distant. I want to just dip one foot in this thing, but it seems I've already stepped forward and the other foot is getting ready to join the other. I know you just got out of a relationship but it's been awhile since I've cared enough about someone to write a letter like this and let them know how I'm feeling. I didn't think i could feel this way again about someone.
Speaking about past relationships, I don't know exactly how soon your break-up was before we met but I am just clarifying for the last time if it's really over. And I hope it was a decent amount of time for you to grieve so I am not some kind of rebound chick. I know you really don't want to talk about it and maybe it's best that I don't hear about it because knowing me- I'll just torture myself with it over and over again. But if you ever have issues with it and it affects how you act around me or treat me- you need to let me know what's going on. It's not cool to be left completely in the dark when things that shouldn't affect me start to spill over on me, you know?
I feel like this letter is starting to sound crazier with each line but I think it had to come out somehow. This is how I've been feeling and that's why I've been the way I am. If you think all this information is too much, too soon- let me know. I can seriously turn crap off like this like a switch. I realize this is a lot and it hasn't been that long that we've been seeing each other so it's understandable if you're a little freaked out. I'm not expecting anything from you. If you decide to stop talking to me, don't worry about it. But really- all you need to do is to just let me know that I sound like a crazy-person and to stop feeling this way about you. I recommend to do it via text for less confrontation and akwardness. Trust me- this letter was pretty damn hard to write and actually giving it was even harder. But if you're reading this, then I got the balls to do it. I think this letter was more for me just so I could sort my thoughts but now you're reading it. This is my side of the story but I still don't know yours. I try not to get my hopes up but I can't help it each time I see you.
I just wanted to apologize for the way I have been acting lately. I have been asking nosey questions which is unexcusable because I really have no right to be asking those things. It's just I feel like I'm really starting to like you. Sometimes people do or say crazy things and it's because they are afraid of getting hurt. I guess acting that way is a way of making sure nothing is going to sneak up behind them and bite them in the ass.
We haven't known each other that long and we really don't know each other well enough to know what kind of person the other is. I don't know what kind of person you were in your past relationships: if you lied, cheated, murdered someone, whatever, but like you said, we should find those things out for ourselves. I don't know if you'll crush my heart into smitherines but then I don't know either if you're the one for me. Kinda creepy to be thinking about it so early but hey! All relationships started somewhere. Really, it doesn't matter what we were like before with other people or what we did. All that matters is how we are with each other. All I really ask for is honesty. No matter how much it hurts, I want to hear the truth and I promise you that you will get the same in return. I always expect this from people I associate myself with (friends, lovers, family, co-workers, etc.) so I'm just letting you know straight up how important that is. I might be paranoid about things but I am pretty trusting and will believe what people say. Once I am lied to, that trust is seriously lost forever. But I want you to know that you can trust me, and I won't lie to you. I know it's only words but- what do we have right now? Just know that I have never given you any reason to distrust me so I should have the benefit of the doubt. So let's trust each other and just go with it. I hate the uncertainties of trust, though. It's like you say "Here, take care of this" to someone else and really expect them to do so. All you can really do is take what they gave you and take care of it, hoping they are doing the same. That's what I hate about trusting other people- the out-of-controlness! I NEED control in my life. Sometimes I try to talk myself out of liking you, which is what I always do so it won't hurt so much if you it doesn't work out.
Like I was saying, I am paranoid, but then again so are you. I don't know if that combination is necessarily a good thing but at least we understand each other. I don't know about you but I've had a pretty shitty past, so some of my suspicion and jealousy might stem from that. And sometimes you don't really help with some of the things you do like when you left the couch to talk to some girl on the phone in your room, introducing me as "Chessa" like you don't want your friends to know my real name like you're trying to hide me (do you feel I'm not good enough for you or do your friends think you're with some other girl and bringing me along would just be drama for you?), texting at god-forsaken hours to god-knows-who, your random let-me-call-you-back's (why do you suddenly need to hang up?), or when you put me on hold and never came back (i still wonder who you left me for), and when you don't answer your phone. I realize people can't pick up their phone all the time but really I've had bad experiences with unanswered phone calls where I get anxiety over it because I can imagine a million possibilites of why it's not being answered. Overall though, I think it's just my personality. I like attention and if someone I'm giving my undivided attention to is giving their attention elsewhere, whether I am with them or not, I might get a little upset. I mean I have gone out with guys and not give a rats ass who they saw or what they did just because I didn't really care enough about them. If I ever found out about anyone else, they would have been gone but I wasn't stressing out about it just because I didn't think it would go anywhere anyway.
Seeing as how it's been a little more than a month, this might sound like a psychotic letter. But I can see myself with you. I can just see this going places. I can see myself falling for you. I can see myself getting to that point of complete trust that no matter what crazy thoughts I have in my mind, I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and just believe you won't hurt me.
When we spend time together, I genuinely enjoy myself with whatever we're doing. Simple things like running with you, watching you work out at the park, staying in at your place and laughing at arrested development with you, watching you paint, laying beside you- just solidify the fact that I have a blast with you. It's just the whole "being with you" that feels like where I should be. God! That sounds so corny! I mean, I feel so comfortable with you. I even felt it the first time I went to your place- this instant comfort like we knew each other already. With a lot of guys, I can already feel myself getting bored with them. That's why I don't have a boyfriend- because I get bored easily. I'm never afraid that I'll get bored with you because I already know it's not going to happen.
I just feel like my feelings are escalating faster than yours are and it's scaring me. I'm tired of feelings things for people who won't ever care enough about me. I mean, I'm sure you care at some degree but when I care... I REALLY do. Then it starts to show and then you might feel like "Cool, I can so take advantage of this" and then I'm screwed. I've already been fucked over so many times and I'm tired of fucking people over so why can't it all just stop right now. It's hard to find someone who just does it for you. Someone you want to just be with and to be good to. I honestly think i found that in you. I don't even know if you want that or are ready for all that.
I just hate feeling this way about you. Hey, I can't control this shit! I can just see myself slowly slipping into this feeling for you. I want to keep a part of me distant. I want to just dip one foot in this thing, but it seems I've already stepped forward and the other foot is getting ready to join the other. I know you just got out of a relationship but it's been awhile since I've cared enough about someone to write a letter like this and let them know how I'm feeling. I didn't think i could feel this way again about someone.
Speaking about past relationships, I don't know exactly how soon your break-up was before we met but I am just clarifying for the last time if it's really over. And I hope it was a decent amount of time for you to grieve so I am not some kind of rebound chick. I know you really don't want to talk about it and maybe it's best that I don't hear about it because knowing me- I'll just torture myself with it over and over again. But if you ever have issues with it and it affects how you act around me or treat me- you need to let me know what's going on. It's not cool to be left completely in the dark when things that shouldn't affect me start to spill over on me, you know?
I feel like this letter is starting to sound crazier with each line but I think it had to come out somehow. This is how I've been feeling and that's why I've been the way I am. If you think all this information is too much, too soon- let me know. I can seriously turn crap off like this like a switch. I realize this is a lot and it hasn't been that long that we've been seeing each other so it's understandable if you're a little freaked out. I'm not expecting anything from you. If you decide to stop talking to me, don't worry about it. But really- all you need to do is to just let me know that I sound like a crazy-person and to stop feeling this way about you. I recommend to do it via text for less confrontation and akwardness. Trust me- this letter was pretty damn hard to write and actually giving it was even harder. But if you're reading this, then I got the balls to do it. I think this letter was more for me just so I could sort my thoughts but now you're reading it. This is my side of the story but I still don't know yours. I try not to get my hopes up but I can't help it each time I see you.
this heart of mine was broken at 10:06:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, January 21, 2007
too much of something is bad enough
Dear heart,
i think i am over anthony. i know things can't really be like it was before. my feelings for vince have become increasingly stronger and i swear i want to see him all the damn time. i know it can get annoying and i'm SO not trying to do that but... i just want to see him. being with him makes me so comfortable and safe and happy. it's so weird. it's just how things have been lately. like we're already a couple.
i think i am over anthony. i know things can't really be like it was before. my feelings for vince have become increasingly stronger and i swear i want to see him all the damn time. i know it can get annoying and i'm SO not trying to do that but... i just want to see him. being with him makes me so comfortable and safe and happy. it's so weird. it's just how things have been lately. like we're already a couple.
this heart of mine was broken at 2:42:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, January 19, 2007
best day off ever!
Dear heart,
yesterday i woke up just not wanting to go to work. i was already late and felt like sleeping in just a little more. so i decided to skip it. i went to vince's and brought a banana and a poptart. he was pleasantly suprised. we cuddle, watch tv, eat, make love, and decide to go for a run. we drive to the beach and just go running towards the pier. it was heaven. then we walked back to the car and got some food. we re-watched some episodes of arrested development just to laugh at our favorite parts. then he had to go to work. he didn't want to go. we kept lagging on actually leaving his apartment. he did end up going to work and i ended up going to the Long Beach Museum of Art and the Museum of Latin American Art in long beach. i just liked looking at these amazing and sometimes horrendous artworks by myself. it made me feel things and i liked it. i went to borders and read some poetry and felt myself getting sick so i just headed home. overall though, i had the best, most relaxing day ever.
dammit! with the absence of anthony has me getting more attached to vince. udanthony's car is broken so he's staying at his parents house and is not really allowed out. i don't even remember what it was like to feel anything for anthony and it scares me. vince has limitless possibilites to hurt me because i don't know what i'm getting with him. anthony has set out the blueprints of what it is like to be with him and there are no suprises. if something hurts me, i am ready for its arrival. with vince, it's always hot or cold. sometimes i feel like i can do this and see myself with him forever and then there are times where i swear i will just stop talking to him completely cuz he pisses me off so much.
it's weird. all i know now is that vince and i are getting closer and that means more opportunites of getting hurt and to a higher degree of pain. GREAAAAT!
yesterday i woke up just not wanting to go to work. i was already late and felt like sleeping in just a little more. so i decided to skip it. i went to vince's and brought a banana and a poptart. he was pleasantly suprised. we cuddle, watch tv, eat, make love, and decide to go for a run. we drive to the beach and just go running towards the pier. it was heaven. then we walked back to the car and got some food. we re-watched some episodes of arrested development just to laugh at our favorite parts. then he had to go to work. he didn't want to go. we kept lagging on actually leaving his apartment. he did end up going to work and i ended up going to the Long Beach Museum of Art and the Museum of Latin American Art in long beach. i just liked looking at these amazing and sometimes horrendous artworks by myself. it made me feel things and i liked it. i went to borders and read some poetry and felt myself getting sick so i just headed home. overall though, i had the best, most relaxing day ever.
dammit! with the absence of anthony has me getting more attached to vince. udanthony's car is broken so he's staying at his parents house and is not really allowed out. i don't even remember what it was like to feel anything for anthony and it scares me. vince has limitless possibilites to hurt me because i don't know what i'm getting with him. anthony has set out the blueprints of what it is like to be with him and there are no suprises. if something hurts me, i am ready for its arrival. with vince, it's always hot or cold. sometimes i feel like i can do this and see myself with him forever and then there are times where i swear i will just stop talking to him completely cuz he pisses me off so much.
it's weird. all i know now is that vince and i are getting closer and that means more opportunites of getting hurt and to a higher degree of pain. GREAAAAT!
this heart of mine was broken at 2:27:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
collision
Dear heart,
as you know, i am a paranoid, jealous crazy-person. may it be from past experiences or just the type of person i am, i can't help being that way when i start liking someone. if i'm not really into someone i'm dating, then why get jealous? ok maybe i can act a little possessive just for natural reasons but really CARE in that way where you have psychotic hypotheses on what they could possibly be doing to hurt you. i feel like i'm starting to get there with vince. i'm liking him to the point where it could hurt me if he left. for some reason, when i think of vince i can only compare him to jack berger from sex and the city. he seems like this insecure guy that has some baggage who seems worth taking a chance with because you two get along so well when really in the end it will just end up being this pointless thing that you allowed yourself to hurt you.
the fact that he is a crazy-person too makes it all the more difficult to get along with him. brenda and i discussed this about being with normal people because they never suspect you of doing the crazy things that you do because they can't fathom it. now if two crazies are put together, they are in sync but not in a good way. they will be fully aware of the psychotic activities and thoughts of the other person and that is NEVER a good thing. besides his lunacism, he has MORE crap that makes me crazier. he has a bad habit of not picking up his phone. i effin hate that SO damn much- you don't even know! and he constantly does it. sometimes i just want to end it because he's not answering his phone but then again he does the same crap. which is funny because when he does it- i think he's nuts! but then when i keep getting his voicemail, my messages become more crazed.
i just feel like vince and i meshing is a really bad idea full of drama and suspicion. so why am i still here?
as you know, i am a paranoid, jealous crazy-person. may it be from past experiences or just the type of person i am, i can't help being that way when i start liking someone. if i'm not really into someone i'm dating, then why get jealous? ok maybe i can act a little possessive just for natural reasons but really CARE in that way where you have psychotic hypotheses on what they could possibly be doing to hurt you. i feel like i'm starting to get there with vince. i'm liking him to the point where it could hurt me if he left. for some reason, when i think of vince i can only compare him to jack berger from sex and the city. he seems like this insecure guy that has some baggage who seems worth taking a chance with because you two get along so well when really in the end it will just end up being this pointless thing that you allowed yourself to hurt you.
the fact that he is a crazy-person too makes it all the more difficult to get along with him. brenda and i discussed this about being with normal people because they never suspect you of doing the crazy things that you do because they can't fathom it. now if two crazies are put together, they are in sync but not in a good way. they will be fully aware of the psychotic activities and thoughts of the other person and that is NEVER a good thing. besides his lunacism, he has MORE crap that makes me crazier. he has a bad habit of not picking up his phone. i effin hate that SO damn much- you don't even know! and he constantly does it. sometimes i just want to end it because he's not answering his phone but then again he does the same crap. which is funny because when he does it- i think he's nuts! but then when i keep getting his voicemail, my messages become more crazed.
i just feel like vince and i meshing is a really bad idea full of drama and suspicion. so why am i still here?
this heart of mine was broken at 5:52:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
starting work, getting worked, and working out
Dear heart,
i started work yesterday. i forgot how much i missed it. i was at a point where i was so burnt out that i was ready for a vacation. i finally got the break i needed when i got into my accident. a nice way of looking at it.
i've been seeing vince a whole lot. last thursday, we go drink together with his friend jordie. we get so drunk and we're all dancing at this belmont station in long beach. then we eat at this mexican restaurant brite spot or something. i can tell that we probably won't get along if i ever get drunk in the future. i'm ridiculously flirty when i'm drunk and he's ridiculously jealous when he is. not a good mix. i swear when we were in that restaurant- i was making eyes at some guy. good thing he didn't see. when i passed by that guy, he said something to me and vince saw. he was talking sh*t. then suddenly i hear something like "you don't love me. you don't love me." i just remember rolling my eyes, but my head low enough near my food that he didn't see me.
he drives me home and when he parks near my house, we start doing it. his windows are not tilted. i don't think we were even trying to be discreet because we were so drunk. we move into my room and continue. it was like 4:30 in the morning. we pass out right after and i had to be up at 8 because my mom and i had to pick up my xrays to take to my doctor's appointment at 9:30 in lynwood. damn i was so dizzy when i woke up. we tried another crack at getting it on but i was so dehydrated that we couldn't.
i was really excited because i thought i was going to be able to drive but my parents always pull the plug on me last minute. i was all ready to go to some lounge in long beach with some girl friends but they were acting all stupid. it made me so mad i cried and ruined my make-up. i was so pissed. i just cried to vince and he came over and watched arrested development. i freaking love that show now. it totally cheered me up from the damper my parents put on my night. we didn't even do anything. just laughed together and made new inside jokes to say to each other.
then sunday was my day with anthony. it's his only day off. but i already made plans with vince. i actually ended up choosing vince over anthony. it made me feel like crap. he kept calling and usually then ringtone that made me smile, made me break a sweat. we watched more arrested development. i think we're both obsessed with that show. now everytime we see each other we say things like "i'm the LAST cop..." or "douche chill." we just crack up. it never gets old. i wonder if it'll get old. i fall asleep there and end up waking him at 5 in the morning to take me home. then i had my first day of work.
i have decided to start working out again. justin and anthony have already asked me when was the last time i went to the gym. so after work todat, i'm going to continue my workout regime once again. i'm aiming to lose 10 lbs and i'll feel perfect. i'm doing the crazy diet thing again. *crosses fingers* hope i reach my goal.
i started work yesterday. i forgot how much i missed it. i was at a point where i was so burnt out that i was ready for a vacation. i finally got the break i needed when i got into my accident. a nice way of looking at it.
i've been seeing vince a whole lot. last thursday, we go drink together with his friend jordie. we get so drunk and we're all dancing at this belmont station in long beach. then we eat at this mexican restaurant brite spot or something. i can tell that we probably won't get along if i ever get drunk in the future. i'm ridiculously flirty when i'm drunk and he's ridiculously jealous when he is. not a good mix. i swear when we were in that restaurant- i was making eyes at some guy. good thing he didn't see. when i passed by that guy, he said something to me and vince saw. he was talking sh*t. then suddenly i hear something like "you don't love me. you don't love me." i just remember rolling my eyes, but my head low enough near my food that he didn't see me.
he drives me home and when he parks near my house, we start doing it. his windows are not tilted. i don't think we were even trying to be discreet because we were so drunk. we move into my room and continue. it was like 4:30 in the morning. we pass out right after and i had to be up at 8 because my mom and i had to pick up my xrays to take to my doctor's appointment at 9:30 in lynwood. damn i was so dizzy when i woke up. we tried another crack at getting it on but i was so dehydrated that we couldn't.
i was really excited because i thought i was going to be able to drive but my parents always pull the plug on me last minute. i was all ready to go to some lounge in long beach with some girl friends but they were acting all stupid. it made me so mad i cried and ruined my make-up. i was so pissed. i just cried to vince and he came over and watched arrested development. i freaking love that show now. it totally cheered me up from the damper my parents put on my night. we didn't even do anything. just laughed together and made new inside jokes to say to each other.
then sunday was my day with anthony. it's his only day off. but i already made plans with vince. i actually ended up choosing vince over anthony. it made me feel like crap. he kept calling and usually then ringtone that made me smile, made me break a sweat. we watched more arrested development. i think we're both obsessed with that show. now everytime we see each other we say things like "i'm the LAST cop..." or "douche chill." we just crack up. it never gets old. i wonder if it'll get old. i fall asleep there and end up waking him at 5 in the morning to take me home. then i had my first day of work.
i have decided to start working out again. justin and anthony have already asked me when was the last time i went to the gym. so after work todat, i'm going to continue my workout regime once again. i'm aiming to lose 10 lbs and i'll feel perfect. i'm doing the crazy diet thing again. *crosses fingers* hope i reach my goal.
this heart of mine was broken at 4:09:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, January 07, 2007
but you already knew that
Dear heart,
vince is crazy! but, hence the title. i spent the day with anthony. he picked me up and i kept him company as he did his laundry. we go back to his place and watch one of the movies i brought with me. out of office space, poolhall junkies, and a foreign film malena- he chooses the foreign film. i was pleasantly surprised. but before we watch it, we do it. he warns me that it's been awhile so he might "nut fast." i asked him, "when was the last time we did it?" he kept answering "with you." but i meant when that actually was... and it was christmas eve. it HAS been awhile. i never really noticed its absence because i was too busy with vince. sex wasn't bad either. h
after we watch the movie and he actually enjoys it. my phone went off and he wanted me to turn it off so i put it on silent. henry comes home later. we watch office space with him. anthony gets hungry and we leave real quick to get some food. when i get back, i left my phone on the couch. i guess vince calls and i miss it and he's trippin! he says something about thinking i was with guy friends and that he thinks i am sleeping with other people besides him and that he wanted me to call him for "closure" or something. OMG! he is crazy!
i try to play it off like i'm at the movies with brenda and that i haven't heard his message yet. but he's all pissed. he texted me "i'll be busy, late." i call him when i got home and i was yelling trying to defend myself. but he acts like i'm over-reacting and we talk about it. we came to realize how we are both extremely paranoid. and this is why i think things with vince will never work out. two people with that much crazy in them can only drive each other crazy and eventually cause some kind of major explosion or something.
vince is crazy! but, hence the title. i spent the day with anthony. he picked me up and i kept him company as he did his laundry. we go back to his place and watch one of the movies i brought with me. out of office space, poolhall junkies, and a foreign film malena- he chooses the foreign film. i was pleasantly surprised. but before we watch it, we do it. he warns me that it's been awhile so he might "nut fast." i asked him, "when was the last time we did it?" he kept answering "with you." but i meant when that actually was... and it was christmas eve. it HAS been awhile. i never really noticed its absence because i was too busy with vince. sex wasn't bad either. h
after we watch the movie and he actually enjoys it. my phone went off and he wanted me to turn it off so i put it on silent. henry comes home later. we watch office space with him. anthony gets hungry and we leave real quick to get some food. when i get back, i left my phone on the couch. i guess vince calls and i miss it and he's trippin! he says something about thinking i was with guy friends and that he thinks i am sleeping with other people besides him and that he wanted me to call him for "closure" or something. OMG! he is crazy!
i try to play it off like i'm at the movies with brenda and that i haven't heard his message yet. but he's all pissed. he texted me "i'll be busy, late." i call him when i got home and i was yelling trying to defend myself. but he acts like i'm over-reacting and we talk about it. we came to realize how we are both extremely paranoid. and this is why i think things with vince will never work out. two people with that much crazy in them can only drive each other crazy and eventually cause some kind of major explosion or something.
this heart of mine was broken at 11:32:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
yo-yo promises
Dear heart,
so ever since my birthday, i've been hanging out with vince a lot. he sleeps over a lot and once i stole the car and drove to his place- but only after i stopped by anthony's house while he was sleeping and kept farting. haha! i even spent the night at his place last saturday. my mom was SO pissed, it was funny.
today he picks me up after he does his laundry and we go to his place. he does henna on my hand and he reads my poems as we think of illustrations to do. his roommate was home so we close his door and get it on silently. no really- best sex i've had in ages, no, best sex that i can remember. after, we go eat at chen's, we share shrimp fried rice but he gave me all the shrimp. he got some orange bean curd tofu and i got ribs. yum! after, we get some alcohol, more condoms, and chips and head back to his place. we watch arrested development, which is actually a pretty hilarious show.
in the middle of us watching that, he gets this phone call and i could hear a girl. he gets up and takes it in the other room. i sit there thinking how i could allow some stupid guy to hurt me again. i wanted to just go over to him and say i wished to go home now. but i didn't. i'm a coward who hates confrontation. i couldn't stop thinking that this would be the last time i would ever speak to him ever again.
his roommate leaves and we start doing stuff but i couldn't really stay wet. i was thinking way too much. then he takes me home and i immediately call anthony. he said he is coming home from a wedding. so i take the keys and head over there. when i am almost there, he calls me and tells me that there are a bunch of drunk wangs there and he doesn't want me to be around that so to just turn back. i told him i was almost there and i was just going to say hi to him and not go inside.
i get there and he gives me those tight hugs that i know and love. it has actually been awhile since i have received them because his hugs recently were distant and safe because he was afraid to hurt me. actually it even kinda hurt when he hugged me, but i sucked it up. i yelped a little a when he asked if it hurt, i shook my head and hugged him even longer. he asked if i wanted to come inside really quick. he actually looked pretty attractive in the light. he was all in his suit. i say hi to adrian and joaquin but no henry. a little disappointed at that fact. he walks me to my car and we hug.
i drive off and when i am going on the freeway, he calls me and says, "hey joanne. i'm sorry, ok?" i didn't know for what. i asked him what he did. "i didn't know these drunk wangs were here. but i'll hang out with you tomorrow. i'll pick you up." he said he promises to call me tomorrow, actually later since its the next day already. i thought the apology thing was sweet. i smiled. i texted vince that i felt bad when he took the call in the other room and he said sorry about that when he called a few minutes later. not as meaningful coming from him. he asked me what i was doing and i told him i was driving to my friend lara's house but she was sleeping.
he calls me a few minutes ago and asked if i was really driving to my friend's house. and i replied with undoubted certainty, "yeah." this is called the lying game that i hate to play. i never play this with anthony and that is why i like him so damn much. i swear if that boy just wants to be with me- we'd be. but he doesn't and vince is the next best thing so...
"is it easier to fake it than be alone?" -sex and the city
so ever since my birthday, i've been hanging out with vince a lot. he sleeps over a lot and once i stole the car and drove to his place- but only after i stopped by anthony's house while he was sleeping and kept farting. haha! i even spent the night at his place last saturday. my mom was SO pissed, it was funny.
today he picks me up after he does his laundry and we go to his place. he does henna on my hand and he reads my poems as we think of illustrations to do. his roommate was home so we close his door and get it on silently. no really- best sex i've had in ages, no, best sex that i can remember. after, we go eat at chen's, we share shrimp fried rice but he gave me all the shrimp. he got some orange bean curd tofu and i got ribs. yum! after, we get some alcohol, more condoms, and chips and head back to his place. we watch arrested development, which is actually a pretty hilarious show.
in the middle of us watching that, he gets this phone call and i could hear a girl. he gets up and takes it in the other room. i sit there thinking how i could allow some stupid guy to hurt me again. i wanted to just go over to him and say i wished to go home now. but i didn't. i'm a coward who hates confrontation. i couldn't stop thinking that this would be the last time i would ever speak to him ever again.
his roommate leaves and we start doing stuff but i couldn't really stay wet. i was thinking way too much. then he takes me home and i immediately call anthony. he said he is coming home from a wedding. so i take the keys and head over there. when i am almost there, he calls me and tells me that there are a bunch of drunk wangs there and he doesn't want me to be around that so to just turn back. i told him i was almost there and i was just going to say hi to him and not go inside.
i get there and he gives me those tight hugs that i know and love. it has actually been awhile since i have received them because his hugs recently were distant and safe because he was afraid to hurt me. actually it even kinda hurt when he hugged me, but i sucked it up. i yelped a little a when he asked if it hurt, i shook my head and hugged him even longer. he asked if i wanted to come inside really quick. he actually looked pretty attractive in the light. he was all in his suit. i say hi to adrian and joaquin but no henry. a little disappointed at that fact. he walks me to my car and we hug.
i drive off and when i am going on the freeway, he calls me and says, "hey joanne. i'm sorry, ok?" i didn't know for what. i asked him what he did. "i didn't know these drunk wangs were here. but i'll hang out with you tomorrow. i'll pick you up." he said he promises to call me tomorrow, actually later since its the next day already. i thought the apology thing was sweet. i smiled. i texted vince that i felt bad when he took the call in the other room and he said sorry about that when he called a few minutes later. not as meaningful coming from him. he asked me what i was doing and i told him i was driving to my friend lara's house but she was sleeping.
he calls me a few minutes ago and asked if i was really driving to my friend's house. and i replied with undoubted certainty, "yeah." this is called the lying game that i hate to play. i never play this with anthony and that is why i like him so damn much. i swear if that boy just wants to be with me- we'd be. but he doesn't and vince is the next best thing so...
"is it easier to fake it than be alone?" -sex and the city
this heart of mine was broken at 1:13:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, January 04, 2007
another birthday
Dear heart,
the past few days, psycho vince is starting to grow on me. well let me start from my birthday.
izzy invited me to hang out with anthony and his friends for new years eve. unfortunately my parents were being stupid and i couldn't go. i just ended up crying all night and taking a lot of medication.
the next day was my party. even though there were some group clashing, i still made time for everyone. antoinette could not stand anthony because he came into my room talking about how lame guitar hero was. she was so pissed that she had to leave the room. i rotated from being outside in the blistering cold where the only warmth were the warmers where antoinette, eddie, dana, and tha were to my room with all the wangs.
suddenly, vince calls me telling me was there. i had a minor heartattack cuz i figured anthony would have left by the time vince got there. and i KNOW how vince gets crazy so i did NOT want any drama happening. luckily, vince went outside and anthony was in my room. it was easier to spend time with them individually.
anyway, anthony asks me to do his nails and he is holding me from behind while i buff his nails. then he goes on to do mine. he told me he didn't know how but i said he had to learn. i get up to play guitarhero real quick and had every intention in going back into anthony's arms. when i'm done, i head towards anthony until vince comes in and i just sit down where i am. i can tell anthony noticed the sudden changes in my attitude. i didn't even turn around to look at him once. my cheeks burned as both my lovers were in my room at the same time.
anthony suddenly announces that they are leaving after the current song in guitarhero. he was all comfortable just laying on my bed until vince showed up and now he wanted to leave. thankfully, when anthony and his friends get up to leave- vince was in the bathroom so i could go outside and hug anthony goodbye.
vince says he had to talk to me about something- something little. um... ok. he asked if anthony was my ex boyfriend and i replied with a horrified "NO!" i made a face at that comment. i asked him what would make him thing that and he said there were pictures of him all over my room. i admitted a little but lied a lot more. i said we used to "like each other for a week." that he was never my ex boyfriend but we're really good friends. then vince goes on to say that he felt some chemistry between us. hmmm... i was trying so hard not to be obvious.
vince was very amazed at how many family and friends showed up to my birthday. he was the last to leave and he snuck back in to spend the night. it was a good night. we laughed about my slang dictionary. it was the first time i actually sat back and thought "maybe" about him. sex was amazing, as usual- both that night and in the morning.
so that was the drama for your mama. nothing that special. just another birthday- but with no candles on the cake.
the past few days, psycho vince is starting to grow on me. well let me start from my birthday.
izzy invited me to hang out with anthony and his friends for new years eve. unfortunately my parents were being stupid and i couldn't go. i just ended up crying all night and taking a lot of medication.
the next day was my party. even though there were some group clashing, i still made time for everyone. antoinette could not stand anthony because he came into my room talking about how lame guitar hero was. she was so pissed that she had to leave the room. i rotated from being outside in the blistering cold where the only warmth were the warmers where antoinette, eddie, dana, and tha were to my room with all the wangs.
suddenly, vince calls me telling me was there. i had a minor heartattack cuz i figured anthony would have left by the time vince got there. and i KNOW how vince gets crazy so i did NOT want any drama happening. luckily, vince went outside and anthony was in my room. it was easier to spend time with them individually.
anyway, anthony asks me to do his nails and he is holding me from behind while i buff his nails. then he goes on to do mine. he told me he didn't know how but i said he had to learn. i get up to play guitarhero real quick and had every intention in going back into anthony's arms. when i'm done, i head towards anthony until vince comes in and i just sit down where i am. i can tell anthony noticed the sudden changes in my attitude. i didn't even turn around to look at him once. my cheeks burned as both my lovers were in my room at the same time.
anthony suddenly announces that they are leaving after the current song in guitarhero. he was all comfortable just laying on my bed until vince showed up and now he wanted to leave. thankfully, when anthony and his friends get up to leave- vince was in the bathroom so i could go outside and hug anthony goodbye.
vince says he had to talk to me about something- something little. um... ok. he asked if anthony was my ex boyfriend and i replied with a horrified "NO!" i made a face at that comment. i asked him what would make him thing that and he said there were pictures of him all over my room. i admitted a little but lied a lot more. i said we used to "like each other for a week." that he was never my ex boyfriend but we're really good friends. then vince goes on to say that he felt some chemistry between us. hmmm... i was trying so hard not to be obvious.
vince was very amazed at how many family and friends showed up to my birthday. he was the last to leave and he snuck back in to spend the night. it was a good night. we laughed about my slang dictionary. it was the first time i actually sat back and thought "maybe" about him. sex was amazing, as usual- both that night and in the morning.
so that was the drama for your mama. nothing that special. just another birthday- but with no candles on the cake.
this heart of mine was broken at 9:48:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, December 31, 2006
it's really been that long
Dear heart,
i hung out with nathan on tuesday. OMG that man is so gorgeous and smart and family-oriented. i love it! i love it so much i don't wanna ruin it by being myself. so i'm completely quiet with him. i overthink what i'm going to say to him which just ends up being a really long silence. i want to say witty things or equally genius remarks but it's impossible when he's looking into my eyes or smiling with those lips.
so we stop at CVS to buy some alcohol. we sit in the car a bit and he drinks some. i drink like a cup and we head to my house. i like that he is very personable even to my dad. he didn't seem intimidated at all and even introduced himself. we play guitarhero 2 and he is AMAZING at it. we also play eyetoy with my sister. we had the best time!
then we went to get taco bell. i was starving. we ate and just talked in the car about god-knows-what. he told me he bought his parents a trip to an island for 3 days because they've done a lot for him and made him the man he is today. OMG perfect answer! and he said we had a great-looking family. "your dad is a good-looking guy, your mom is gorgeous, and you and your sister- wow!" oh LORD where did this guy come from?
i don't know how i ended up giving him a massage in his backseat. he has a f350 by the way and i LOVE LOVE LOVE trucks! it is a sexy truck- i must tell you. so that right there is big brownie points. we're talking about something and all of a sudden he kisses me. OMG the best kisser ever. better than anthony, better than all the best kissers i've ever encountered. everything was perfect.
i just feel like he does this all the time. he is way too popular and hot to be going out with someone like me. really! i can honestly say that this guy is WAY too good for me. i know i should hold on to it but i'm scared. i feel like this would be the greatest disappointment ever.
anyway i get drunk at dave and busters. everyone hated anthony for some reason but really he was the only one telling me to stop drinking because he was worried about me. i can't remember half the things that went on but i remember falling on my ass, no, actually falling on my arm. i remember making out with brian. oh god! that had mistake written all over it. and antoinette pointed out that anthony looked jealous because i kept hanging out with brian. i call him afterwards and he asked me if i was ok and how i was getting home. he said he wanted to stay but his friends drove and they wanted to leave.
tha drops me off at home. i wanted to see him so badly that i stole my parents' miata and drove to the t.p. he wasn't there! only henry, adrian, and joaquin were there. they forbade me to drive home drunk so i slept on anthony's couch. next thing i know, i have my feet over henry and he is rubbing my feet. i just fall asleep like that until my alarm went off at 3:00 in the morning. i get up and i thank everyone because adrian and joaquin are still awake. henry walks me to my car and i give him a big hug. i think i was still super drunk because i thought i momentarily attracted to him.
i hung out with nathan on tuesday. OMG that man is so gorgeous and smart and family-oriented. i love it! i love it so much i don't wanna ruin it by being myself. so i'm completely quiet with him. i overthink what i'm going to say to him which just ends up being a really long silence. i want to say witty things or equally genius remarks but it's impossible when he's looking into my eyes or smiling with those lips.
so we stop at CVS to buy some alcohol. we sit in the car a bit and he drinks some. i drink like a cup and we head to my house. i like that he is very personable even to my dad. he didn't seem intimidated at all and even introduced himself. we play guitarhero 2 and he is AMAZING at it. we also play eyetoy with my sister. we had the best time!
then we went to get taco bell. i was starving. we ate and just talked in the car about god-knows-what. he told me he bought his parents a trip to an island for 3 days because they've done a lot for him and made him the man he is today. OMG perfect answer! and he said we had a great-looking family. "your dad is a good-looking guy, your mom is gorgeous, and you and your sister- wow!" oh LORD where did this guy come from?
i don't know how i ended up giving him a massage in his backseat. he has a f350 by the way and i LOVE LOVE LOVE trucks! it is a sexy truck- i must tell you. so that right there is big brownie points. we're talking about something and all of a sudden he kisses me. OMG the best kisser ever. better than anthony, better than all the best kissers i've ever encountered. everything was perfect.
i just feel like he does this all the time. he is way too popular and hot to be going out with someone like me. really! i can honestly say that this guy is WAY too good for me. i know i should hold on to it but i'm scared. i feel like this would be the greatest disappointment ever.
anyway i get drunk at dave and busters. everyone hated anthony for some reason but really he was the only one telling me to stop drinking because he was worried about me. i can't remember half the things that went on but i remember falling on my ass, no, actually falling on my arm. i remember making out with brian. oh god! that had mistake written all over it. and antoinette pointed out that anthony looked jealous because i kept hanging out with brian. i call him afterwards and he asked me if i was ok and how i was getting home. he said he wanted to stay but his friends drove and they wanted to leave.
tha drops me off at home. i wanted to see him so badly that i stole my parents' miata and drove to the t.p. he wasn't there! only henry, adrian, and joaquin were there. they forbade me to drive home drunk so i slept on anthony's couch. next thing i know, i have my feet over henry and he is rubbing my feet. i just fall asleep like that until my alarm went off at 3:00 in the morning. i get up and i thank everyone because adrian and joaquin are still awake. henry walks me to my car and i give him a big hug. i think i was still super drunk because i thought i momentarily attracted to him.
this heart of mine was broken at 9:57:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
SnM
Dear heart,
i forgot to mention that vince came over last night. for some reason, he brings out the wild, violent side of me. we're pretty rough and i love it! sex with him takes my damn breath away. but sometimes you get so into it that you don't feel how much it hurts until afterwards.
so this morning, my hips are all scratched up and bruised. it seriously hurts so bad because it's all raw right there. we did it again though when we both woke up. the crazy thing is i think he made me bleed. like, i've been done with my period for days now and there was a hint of blood afterwards. maybe we did it too hard or he went in too deep? i shudder just thinking about it. but at the time, it's amazing and now... it hurts to even put underwear on. dammit!
oh, but i talked to nathan this morning. OMG! he is awesome. i think his family is rich because he lives in uptown whittier or "avocado heights" where he has acres of land or something about his horses. he is so smart too! he was talking to me about making bombs and half the things he said went over my head, but i love a man who has a passion and knows his stuff. then i ask him if he likes video games and he asked me if i did and to please say yes, and i say "heck yes!" and he's all "i love you!" it was funny. so maybe i'm going to see him later tonight.
i forgot to mention that vince came over last night. for some reason, he brings out the wild, violent side of me. we're pretty rough and i love it! sex with him takes my damn breath away. but sometimes you get so into it that you don't feel how much it hurts until afterwards.
so this morning, my hips are all scratched up and bruised. it seriously hurts so bad because it's all raw right there. we did it again though when we both woke up. the crazy thing is i think he made me bleed. like, i've been done with my period for days now and there was a hint of blood afterwards. maybe we did it too hard or he went in too deep? i shudder just thinking about it. but at the time, it's amazing and now... it hurts to even put underwear on. dammit!
oh, but i talked to nathan this morning. OMG! he is awesome. i think his family is rich because he lives in uptown whittier or "avocado heights" where he has acres of land or something about his horses. he is so smart too! he was talking to me about making bombs and half the things he said went over my head, but i love a man who has a passion and knows his stuff. then i ask him if he likes video games and he asked me if i did and to please say yes, and i say "heck yes!" and he's all "i love you!" it was funny. so maybe i'm going to see him later tonight.
this heart of mine was broken at 2:01:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
too many boys
Dear heart,
went to chilli's for tha's welcome back thing. i got a little tipsy and started calling people and inviting them to maggie's pub. it was my friend eddie's friend's birthday there. so i invite my friend peter who i used to have class with and i went on a date wit him but i didn't like his smell because he smelled of matches so i never went out with him again. anyway yeah, he came. but then while i was there i started finding this guy named jose very attractive. so i kinda chatted with him a bit and its crazy cuz eddie new him from middle school. then antoinette liked some meathead guy who was attractive but you could tell he was a moron. i tried talking to him for her but she got shy and went to the bathroom. he was such a jerk! he was all he had the golden ticket and that he had magnums and that if i hooked up with his friend, he would hook up with antoinette and go back to their apartment. EW! i just walked away.
then i went to look for antoinette in the bathroom and told her what an idiot he was and she said she could tell. we started playing with these rolling chairs right outside the restroom but somehow i get up and go back to everyone else. i turn around and wonder what the hell happened to antoinette. when she comes back, she tells me that she told some gorgeous guy that i thought he was attractive. OMG! i mentioned him right when we got in but thought nothing of it. but goodness, she was like in love with him but i knew she was a good friend because she still forwarded him over to me. she said he was ok from far away but when she got up close, he was beautiful. you should see his smile. i could die!
so she takes me over there and i took like 5 minutes to get the nerve to talk to him. he said he noticed me before but he's a bitch and won't talk to girls. i told him i never woulda said anything to him if it wasn't for antoinette. i love her. did i mention that already? he tells me he's gonna say hi to his friend and then i thought it was some kind of nice rejection so i just left. i was all bummed out.
then this cute guy across the table kept staring at me but there was a chick and guy with him. i didn't know who was the chick's bf- him or the other one. when she goes to the bathroom, i yell across the room if that was his gf. it was funny cuz he was about to say no, then kind of, then yeah. his hand was doing that airplane side to side thing that meant "ehhh... sort of." everyone saw his answer change from not really to yeah. he knew he was gonna get in trouble. he still told me to come over. i told him hi and he said his name was jerell. he asked me if i went there often and i told him no that i was there to celebrate a birthday and my friend's visit from japan. i get pulled back by eddie saying i don't need to get into a fight right now cuz i'm injured so i should NOT be talking to anybody's man.
he said we were leaving so i got my stuff ready. i wave bye to jerell. as i'm headed towards the door, nathan comes up to me and asks me if i'm leaving. i tell him yes and that i thought he was rejecting me because he didn't come back. i guess he did come back but i left already. he said, "that would never happen. i think you're adorable." or something like that. so he asked for my number and i just got down his and called it so he could have my number on his phone. i hug him and tell him it was really nice to meet him. i say bye to his friends and he's all surprised i remember all their names. i'm just good at remembering names when i'm drunk but don't ask me after the fact.
right when i walk out, jose is there. he asked if i was leaving. he hugs me and didn't let go. for some reason, we were both hesitant to walk away. he wanted to hang out sometime so i got his number and called him. i walked away from there with 2 numbers. OMG! so much fun! i think nathan is way too good-looking and way too good for me. dammit!
went to chilli's for tha's welcome back thing. i got a little tipsy and started calling people and inviting them to maggie's pub. it was my friend eddie's friend's birthday there. so i invite my friend peter who i used to have class with and i went on a date wit him but i didn't like his smell because he smelled of matches so i never went out with him again. anyway yeah, he came. but then while i was there i started finding this guy named jose very attractive. so i kinda chatted with him a bit and its crazy cuz eddie new him from middle school. then antoinette liked some meathead guy who was attractive but you could tell he was a moron. i tried talking to him for her but she got shy and went to the bathroom. he was such a jerk! he was all he had the golden ticket and that he had magnums and that if i hooked up with his friend, he would hook up with antoinette and go back to their apartment. EW! i just walked away.
then i went to look for antoinette in the bathroom and told her what an idiot he was and she said she could tell. we started playing with these rolling chairs right outside the restroom but somehow i get up and go back to everyone else. i turn around and wonder what the hell happened to antoinette. when she comes back, she tells me that she told some gorgeous guy that i thought he was attractive. OMG! i mentioned him right when we got in but thought nothing of it. but goodness, she was like in love with him but i knew she was a good friend because she still forwarded him over to me. she said he was ok from far away but when she got up close, he was beautiful. you should see his smile. i could die!
so she takes me over there and i took like 5 minutes to get the nerve to talk to him. he said he noticed me before but he's a bitch and won't talk to girls. i told him i never woulda said anything to him if it wasn't for antoinette. i love her. did i mention that already? he tells me he's gonna say hi to his friend and then i thought it was some kind of nice rejection so i just left. i was all bummed out.
then this cute guy across the table kept staring at me but there was a chick and guy with him. i didn't know who was the chick's bf- him or the other one. when she goes to the bathroom, i yell across the room if that was his gf. it was funny cuz he was about to say no, then kind of, then yeah. his hand was doing that airplane side to side thing that meant "ehhh... sort of." everyone saw his answer change from not really to yeah. he knew he was gonna get in trouble. he still told me to come over. i told him hi and he said his name was jerell. he asked me if i went there often and i told him no that i was there to celebrate a birthday and my friend's visit from japan. i get pulled back by eddie saying i don't need to get into a fight right now cuz i'm injured so i should NOT be talking to anybody's man.
he said we were leaving so i got my stuff ready. i wave bye to jerell. as i'm headed towards the door, nathan comes up to me and asks me if i'm leaving. i tell him yes and that i thought he was rejecting me because he didn't come back. i guess he did come back but i left already. he said, "that would never happen. i think you're adorable." or something like that. so he asked for my number and i just got down his and called it so he could have my number on his phone. i hug him and tell him it was really nice to meet him. i say bye to his friends and he's all surprised i remember all their names. i'm just good at remembering names when i'm drunk but don't ask me after the fact.
right when i walk out, jose is there. he asked if i was leaving. he hugs me and didn't let go. for some reason, we were both hesitant to walk away. he wanted to hang out sometime so i got his number and called him. i walked away from there with 2 numbers. OMG! so much fun! i think nathan is way too good-looking and way too good for me. dammit!
this heart of mine was broken at 12:01:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
i hate her!!!!
Dear heart,
omg i just checked anthony's page and i guess he hung out with roxy today and that stupid idiot is trying to be like me posting pics "that he loves" on the space. UGH!!!! i effin hate her so much. i can't even remember the good day we had christmas eve because this anger is blinding me! god!
fine... ok friday- he came over. it was cute because he's always randomly jealous of celebrities i find attractive. he saw eric balfour posted up and he's all "you want his wang." then he said he wanted to do his hair like him. he asked me if i wanted this guys wang and i told him yes even though he had a small weenie. and he asked me why. i told him because he has a sexy body. anthony says, "if i made my body like that, would you want my wang too?" i found it adorable because in so many ways i was alreads his.
then christmas eve, i had a gift exchange with tha, eddie, and antoinette at starbucks. i swear i give really good presents. AND i saw michelle kwan at kabukis. no one believed me that it was her and i didn't have the guts to ask for her autograph or a picture with her because she was with her family and i didn't wanna bug her.
anyway, anthony picks me up and we play halo 2 at the tp with his other roommates. he decides to take a nap so juan is entertaining me with card games and trying to hook up the super nintendo for me. we settle on watching badnews bears. i made anthony lay his head on my lap so i could sit near him. then he just starts watching the movie and hugging me. i guess i miss this type of affection from him. his friends tried to convince him to go to some party with them which had a lot of brujas but he was al "na!" the moment they left, he starts coming close to me and trying to get my attention. i tell him i'm watching the movie so he pauses it and sits next to me. he tells me that its been a really long time and he tries to kiss me. i turn my head because i think i was still a little bitter about discovering that he thinks making out is boring. i tell him to help me with my clothes and i find it cute how awkwardly helpful he is.
i lay down on the couch and i feel weird because its been awhile since i've been naked with him and i felt a little guilty about the vince thing. we starts to kiss me and i can't imagine how anyone can think this is boring. he's the same. kissing me during the entire lovemaking. even when we aren't face to face, he leans over and tries to kiss me. i just felt so hungry for his kisses and really that's all i wanted to do. suprisingly he improved somehow and sex was not bad at all. after, we lay on the couch with just our underwear. he lays on me and we watch the rest of the movie.
after he goes on myspace and tells all his friends merry xmas. i'm all, "what about me?" and he says he's already saying it in person. he told me not to get jealous. haha i turned red. then i guess he was typing something and he turns around and says, "hey i'm only saying love because that's her name. lovejoy. so don't get mad and think i'm calling a girl 'love' ok?" i told him i wasn't even reading what he was writing, but all i could think was that i didn't know i was allowed to be angry at something like that. then why was he being apologetic or making excuses? would he feel the need to make excuses to anybody else?
i told him i had to be home because my dad kept calling me cuz they were waiting for me to go to a family party. he drives me home and i invite him to my birthday thing. i ask him if he's going to take me with him to the ducks game that i got him tickets to for christmas. he kinda laughs about it like "no duh" but i had to be sure.
vince stops by the same night just to see me. he said he needed to see me. i know he's psychotic but talking to him SOMEtimes makes me forget. like, things with vince are moving at a faster pace than it is with anthony and i'm drawn to that. well i think anything compared to getting to a relationship with anthony is considered fast. it's like racing a snail against a blade of grass. i feel a bit guilty because things wih anthony just felt rekindled and here i was with vince. vince even called during lovemaking with anthony. when i heard the ringtone, i wanted to throw my phone against the wall.
today, it was random calls from vince. just telling me that he was thinking of me and randomly flirting with me. i called anthony but he was in the car. he still took the time to ask me how my family party went and told me about his. i heard some girls in the background but thought nothing of it. i GUESS that was roxy. who knows where they went or how deeply he has fallen for her or her for him, but all that doesn't matter. because the thing that is really irking me is the fact that she is number 4 on his top friends now. ok, i'm sorry but she was just one before me and she jumped that many spaces?! wtf did she do? turn his damn d*ck into gold?! i'm so annoyed its making my collarbone hurt. i hate her. but i have now made my profile private where they hafto know my last name and e-mail to request to be my friend. yeah so she can go crazy about what he writes me now. stupid b*tch!
f****CK!!!!
omg i just checked anthony's page and i guess he hung out with roxy today and that stupid idiot is trying to be like me posting pics "that he loves" on the space. UGH!!!! i effin hate her so much. i can't even remember the good day we had christmas eve because this anger is blinding me! god!
fine... ok friday- he came over. it was cute because he's always randomly jealous of celebrities i find attractive. he saw eric balfour posted up and he's all "you want his wang." then he said he wanted to do his hair like him. he asked me if i wanted this guys wang and i told him yes even though he had a small weenie. and he asked me why. i told him because he has a sexy body. anthony says, "if i made my body like that, would you want my wang too?" i found it adorable because in so many ways i was alreads his.
then christmas eve, i had a gift exchange with tha, eddie, and antoinette at starbucks. i swear i give really good presents. AND i saw michelle kwan at kabukis. no one believed me that it was her and i didn't have the guts to ask for her autograph or a picture with her because she was with her family and i didn't wanna bug her.
anyway, anthony picks me up and we play halo 2 at the tp with his other roommates. he decides to take a nap so juan is entertaining me with card games and trying to hook up the super nintendo for me. we settle on watching badnews bears. i made anthony lay his head on my lap so i could sit near him. then he just starts watching the movie and hugging me. i guess i miss this type of affection from him. his friends tried to convince him to go to some party with them which had a lot of brujas but he was al "na!" the moment they left, he starts coming close to me and trying to get my attention. i tell him i'm watching the movie so he pauses it and sits next to me. he tells me that its been a really long time and he tries to kiss me. i turn my head because i think i was still a little bitter about discovering that he thinks making out is boring. i tell him to help me with my clothes and i find it cute how awkwardly helpful he is.
i lay down on the couch and i feel weird because its been awhile since i've been naked with him and i felt a little guilty about the vince thing. we starts to kiss me and i can't imagine how anyone can think this is boring. he's the same. kissing me during the entire lovemaking. even when we aren't face to face, he leans over and tries to kiss me. i just felt so hungry for his kisses and really that's all i wanted to do. suprisingly he improved somehow and sex was not bad at all. after, we lay on the couch with just our underwear. he lays on me and we watch the rest of the movie.
after he goes on myspace and tells all his friends merry xmas. i'm all, "what about me?" and he says he's already saying it in person. he told me not to get jealous. haha i turned red. then i guess he was typing something and he turns around and says, "hey i'm only saying love because that's her name. lovejoy. so don't get mad and think i'm calling a girl 'love' ok?" i told him i wasn't even reading what he was writing, but all i could think was that i didn't know i was allowed to be angry at something like that. then why was he being apologetic or making excuses? would he feel the need to make excuses to anybody else?
i told him i had to be home because my dad kept calling me cuz they were waiting for me to go to a family party. he drives me home and i invite him to my birthday thing. i ask him if he's going to take me with him to the ducks game that i got him tickets to for christmas. he kinda laughs about it like "no duh" but i had to be sure.
vince stops by the same night just to see me. he said he needed to see me. i know he's psychotic but talking to him SOMEtimes makes me forget. like, things with vince are moving at a faster pace than it is with anthony and i'm drawn to that. well i think anything compared to getting to a relationship with anthony is considered fast. it's like racing a snail against a blade of grass. i feel a bit guilty because things wih anthony just felt rekindled and here i was with vince. vince even called during lovemaking with anthony. when i heard the ringtone, i wanted to throw my phone against the wall.
today, it was random calls from vince. just telling me that he was thinking of me and randomly flirting with me. i called anthony but he was in the car. he still took the time to ask me how my family party went and told me about his. i heard some girls in the background but thought nothing of it. i GUESS that was roxy. who knows where they went or how deeply he has fallen for her or her for him, but all that doesn't matter. because the thing that is really irking me is the fact that she is number 4 on his top friends now. ok, i'm sorry but she was just one before me and she jumped that many spaces?! wtf did she do? turn his damn d*ck into gold?! i'm so annoyed its making my collarbone hurt. i hate her. but i have now made my profile private where they hafto know my last name and e-mail to request to be my friend. yeah so she can go crazy about what he writes me now. stupid b*tch!
f****CK!!!!
this heart of mine was broken at 1:16:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, December 23, 2006
if men are from mars, then vince is from pluto!
Dear heart,
explain to me WHY my statement of "i wish you were here" is turned into an interogation session?!
let me start from the very beginning... or at least from where the last post left off. he calls me back and i ask him what's wrong. he says he doesn't want to talk about it. by that time, i'm not sure if its about me or another chick. what just happened here?
it's silent for a bit and he asks me if i'm feeling better and if i've taken my medicine. he asked me what i did. then its silent again. so i got up the nerve to say "i wish you were here." then the shit hits the fan. he says SOMEthing about pretending i'm not playin' him or some crap. i don't understand. he tells me that he thinks i don't mean it and i kinda laugh at him because i didn't know if he was being serious. oh yeah. he was serious. he asked my why him. and i said i don't know. then he said, if you don't know you better start to rethink stuff. something like that. ok... if i knew all that was going to come out from my little comment, i NEVER would have said anything. was he freakin serious? i tell him that i like him around. i ask "don't you like being here?" and he's all "don't turn this around on me." what the HELL is that supposed to mean?
i feel like i'm going out of my mind. he is WAY too dramatic WAY too soon. i feel like just not talking to him ever. sex was "off the hook" but not worth all this frustration. really. it's insane how horrible it was to be put on the spot like that and then not being able to do the same to him. i can just imagine a relationship with him. i would never win a fight. he would always turn it around on me somehow. i think i'm going to block him from my phone. damn! right when i was almost starting to like him.
i was thinking of texting him "i don't know what's going on in your life but i really can't handle a lot of drama right now. if you have an ex or a jealous girl you are dating, i don't want to be involved. i like you so when you're through with that, give me a call. if its something else, then you need to talk to me because i don't like being in the dark. i understand privacy but don't take your problems out on me and not explain yourself." that should be a letter but i kinda don't want to have to see him. the thought of him is scaring me right now. he sounds relaxed but there's this crazy alien living inside him that's insecure and comes out randomly. i don't want to encounter that alien ever again but i'm scared that's who he really is. he's just WAY too much!
i can honestly say i met someone crazier than brenda and me. well, one who is more obvious about it.
explain to me WHY my statement of "i wish you were here" is turned into an interogation session?!
let me start from the very beginning... or at least from where the last post left off. he calls me back and i ask him what's wrong. he says he doesn't want to talk about it. by that time, i'm not sure if its about me or another chick. what just happened here?
it's silent for a bit and he asks me if i'm feeling better and if i've taken my medicine. he asked me what i did. then its silent again. so i got up the nerve to say "i wish you were here." then the shit hits the fan. he says SOMEthing about pretending i'm not playin' him or some crap. i don't understand. he tells me that he thinks i don't mean it and i kinda laugh at him because i didn't know if he was being serious. oh yeah. he was serious. he asked my why him. and i said i don't know. then he said, if you don't know you better start to rethink stuff. something like that. ok... if i knew all that was going to come out from my little comment, i NEVER would have said anything. was he freakin serious? i tell him that i like him around. i ask "don't you like being here?" and he's all "don't turn this around on me." what the HELL is that supposed to mean?
i feel like i'm going out of my mind. he is WAY too dramatic WAY too soon. i feel like just not talking to him ever. sex was "off the hook" but not worth all this frustration. really. it's insane how horrible it was to be put on the spot like that and then not being able to do the same to him. i can just imagine a relationship with him. i would never win a fight. he would always turn it around on me somehow. i think i'm going to block him from my phone. damn! right when i was almost starting to like him.
i was thinking of texting him "i don't know what's going on in your life but i really can't handle a lot of drama right now. if you have an ex or a jealous girl you are dating, i don't want to be involved. i like you so when you're through with that, give me a call. if its something else, then you need to talk to me because i don't like being in the dark. i understand privacy but don't take your problems out on me and not explain yourself." that should be a letter but i kinda don't want to have to see him. the thought of him is scaring me right now. he sounds relaxed but there's this crazy alien living inside him that's insecure and comes out randomly. i don't want to encounter that alien ever again but i'm scared that's who he really is. he's just WAY too much!
i can honestly say i met someone crazier than brenda and me. well, one who is more obvious about it.
this heart of mine was broken at 1:35:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
wtf?!
Dear heart,
vince and i were supposed to do something tonight. he flakes out on me and doesn't answer his phone. next thing you know, four hours later i get a call from him and its some girl asking for rebecca. i tell her no and eventually she hangs up. i was a little pissed. was he with that girl again? the one girl who he was seeing and she was checking up on who's been calling. his number shows up again but this time he answers. he starts yelling at me like what guy just answered my phone right now. what?! i was alone in my room!!!
so he starts asking me who it was and i keep telling him that i don't know. i tell him about the girl who called from his phone asking for rebecca. i don't understand. but he is mad. i told him his phone sucked and he got all defensive saying, "and your phone doesn't?" i was trying to be light-hearted even though my mouth was dry and a little pissed off that i heard a girl on the other line and that he is accusing me of something i didn't do.
i start to ask questions about the guy who answered my phone. he starts to ask if i knew who it was. OMG! didn't i already tell him i was alone?! i tell him again that i am by myself in my room. he suddenly tells me he'll give me a call back which means he's mad. i ask him why and he said he'll just call me back.
i'm so frustrated. i don't need this right now. i don't. i just wish he'd answer his phone and talk to me. god!
vince and i were supposed to do something tonight. he flakes out on me and doesn't answer his phone. next thing you know, four hours later i get a call from him and its some girl asking for rebecca. i tell her no and eventually she hangs up. i was a little pissed. was he with that girl again? the one girl who he was seeing and she was checking up on who's been calling. his number shows up again but this time he answers. he starts yelling at me like what guy just answered my phone right now. what?! i was alone in my room!!!
so he starts asking me who it was and i keep telling him that i don't know. i tell him about the girl who called from his phone asking for rebecca. i don't understand. but he is mad. i told him his phone sucked and he got all defensive saying, "and your phone doesn't?" i was trying to be light-hearted even though my mouth was dry and a little pissed off that i heard a girl on the other line and that he is accusing me of something i didn't do.
i start to ask questions about the guy who answered my phone. he starts to ask if i knew who it was. OMG! didn't i already tell him i was alone?! i tell him again that i am by myself in my room. he suddenly tells me he'll give me a call back which means he's mad. i ask him why and he said he'll just call me back.
i'm so frustrated. i don't need this right now. i don't. i just wish he'd answer his phone and talk to me. god!
this heart of mine was broken at 12:37:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, December 22, 2006
not ready to move on yet
Dear heart,
wednesday night, vince ended up sleeping over and sleeping with me. haha! exactly! OMG! sex was AMAZING! that's the only word to describe it. in the morning, he's very helpful. he helps me take my clothes off, in a non-sexual way, because it's pretty difficult to take off a shirt with a broken clavicle. he's constantly worried about me which is endearing. and goodness i LOVE his voice. he sounds like all calm but in a seductive way.
anyway, i go shopping with anthony and his friend drew. he told me he thought my hat was ugly. haha. geez! i saw brenda there and i was relieved to have some other source of estrogen in the group. it's scary how much anthony is similar to her boyfriend! it freaks me out! we take brenda to her car and then he takes drew home. we go to his t.p. and juan is there. juan was actually being nice to me. i thought he hated me. of all his non-kenny friends, juan is the one i have the most in common with. he's smart, likes going to museums, like's the history channel or any kind of learning channel. i think all his friends love me. they were talking about how annoying it is when girls are at the t.p. except me, of course because i'm cool. it's funny how henry caters to me when i'm there. even juan does things for me around the t.p. "joanne looks cold. i'm gonna turn the heater on." or "you need to take your pill? let me get you some water." does anthony understand to do these things? NO!
i'm not saying i am over anthony. i am still unsure as to where vince is going to go. there was the issue of the girl who called me. she said she was the girl he is seeing. so what happened to her? i don't know but i kind of didn't feel the same for anthony. like i was going to be more willing to let him go if wanted to be let go. you know? but then i watch videos or hear sound clips of him laughing and i realize i can't just not talk to him. i do have fun with him. things have just hit a wall right now that i'm injured. i think he's scared to hurt me if he comes too close. who knows. and the lack of physical affection just changes stuff, ya know?
now vince isn't afraid of touching me, obviously. but is that the only thing influencing me now? physical proof of feelings? because i just need to see anthony smile to know i still have feelings for him. i don't even know if i feel anything for vince.
wednesday night, vince ended up sleeping over and sleeping with me. haha! exactly! OMG! sex was AMAZING! that's the only word to describe it. in the morning, he's very helpful. he helps me take my clothes off, in a non-sexual way, because it's pretty difficult to take off a shirt with a broken clavicle. he's constantly worried about me which is endearing. and goodness i LOVE his voice. he sounds like all calm but in a seductive way.
anyway, i go shopping with anthony and his friend drew. he told me he thought my hat was ugly. haha. geez! i saw brenda there and i was relieved to have some other source of estrogen in the group. it's scary how much anthony is similar to her boyfriend! it freaks me out! we take brenda to her car and then he takes drew home. we go to his t.p. and juan is there. juan was actually being nice to me. i thought he hated me. of all his non-kenny friends, juan is the one i have the most in common with. he's smart, likes going to museums, like's the history channel or any kind of learning channel. i think all his friends love me. they were talking about how annoying it is when girls are at the t.p. except me, of course because i'm cool. it's funny how henry caters to me when i'm there. even juan does things for me around the t.p. "joanne looks cold. i'm gonna turn the heater on." or "you need to take your pill? let me get you some water." does anthony understand to do these things? NO!
i'm not saying i am over anthony. i am still unsure as to where vince is going to go. there was the issue of the girl who called me. she said she was the girl he is seeing. so what happened to her? i don't know but i kind of didn't feel the same for anthony. like i was going to be more willing to let him go if wanted to be let go. you know? but then i watch videos or hear sound clips of him laughing and i realize i can't just not talk to him. i do have fun with him. things have just hit a wall right now that i'm injured. i think he's scared to hurt me if he comes too close. who knows. and the lack of physical affection just changes stuff, ya know?
now vince isn't afraid of touching me, obviously. but is that the only thing influencing me now? physical proof of feelings? because i just need to see anthony smile to know i still have feelings for him. i don't even know if i feel anything for vince.
this heart of mine was broken at 4:36:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
ARGH!!!!
Dear heart,
ok so he was supposed to coe at 10:00 and sneak in. he calls and i'm all excited to pick up the phone. he sounded weird and he says my name in a way where he's trying to prepare me for something. then: "don't be mad, ok?" he didn't want to come because he didn't want to sneak into my room. he's all paranoid that my dad already knows him and he doesn't want to get caught here. he promises a sincere promise that we'll hang out tomorrow and he gets off early so he'll pick me up then. i'm so busy being mad and trying to convince him to come over that i overlook the sincere sorryness in his voice. before he even got to say bye, i say bye and hang up.
i was so angry. i am on my rag so my frustration was being magnified to a hundred. i started pouting and throwing my phone across the room screaming i hated him. i was seriously in tears from being so upset. i texted him that i took a shower for him because i thought he was coming over. i told him he didn't have to sneak out- just in. then he texts me back: yes i know! you know that i hate sneaking into your house! i don't want to get caught cuz your dad knows who i am now! i told you tomorrow for sure! good night i'm going to bed! again i throw my phone across the room.
after a few minutes i calm down for a bit. am i crazy? anthony is NOT a normal guy. acting that way is going to get me the boot! he's come so far in this half relationship and i'm just pushing him back to where we started. i don't want to be those other girls. if i ruined it- i don't know what i'm going to do.
so of course i call him after i get my head on straight. he sounds like he was sleeping and i told him i was sorry. he said it was ok. i couldn't read his tone thru the sleepiness. my stomache is in knotts.
and then my escape was vince. so he wanted to come over. then i was feeling a bit lazy cuz it hurts to put clothes on. he gets all huffy like he felt like i didn't want to see him. OMG! boys are so f*cking stupid!!!! i hate them all! i'm so over all that! this is the problem with too many guys! they all decide to piss you off at the same time and you're screwed. people should know better than to act like this to me when i'm on my rag!
ok so he was supposed to coe at 10:00 and sneak in. he calls and i'm all excited to pick up the phone. he sounded weird and he says my name in a way where he's trying to prepare me for something. then: "don't be mad, ok?" he didn't want to come because he didn't want to sneak into my room. he's all paranoid that my dad already knows him and he doesn't want to get caught here. he promises a sincere promise that we'll hang out tomorrow and he gets off early so he'll pick me up then. i'm so busy being mad and trying to convince him to come over that i overlook the sincere sorryness in his voice. before he even got to say bye, i say bye and hang up.
i was so angry. i am on my rag so my frustration was being magnified to a hundred. i started pouting and throwing my phone across the room screaming i hated him. i was seriously in tears from being so upset. i texted him that i took a shower for him because i thought he was coming over. i told him he didn't have to sneak out- just in. then he texts me back: yes i know! you know that i hate sneaking into your house! i don't want to get caught cuz your dad knows who i am now! i told you tomorrow for sure! good night i'm going to bed! again i throw my phone across the room.
after a few minutes i calm down for a bit. am i crazy? anthony is NOT a normal guy. acting that way is going to get me the boot! he's come so far in this half relationship and i'm just pushing him back to where we started. i don't want to be those other girls. if i ruined it- i don't know what i'm going to do.
so of course i call him after i get my head on straight. he sounds like he was sleeping and i told him i was sorry. he said it was ok. i couldn't read his tone thru the sleepiness. my stomache is in knotts.
and then my escape was vince. so he wanted to come over. then i was feeling a bit lazy cuz it hurts to put clothes on. he gets all huffy like he felt like i didn't want to see him. OMG! boys are so f*cking stupid!!!! i hate them all! i'm so over all that! this is the problem with too many guys! they all decide to piss you off at the same time and you're screwed. people should know better than to act like this to me when i'm on my rag!
this heart of mine was broken at 10:49:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
i hope no one kills kenny
Dear heart,
i am thankful for my new anthony informant, kenny.
current information gathered:
kenny: i know wang can get else where
kenny: but i know he likes u
kenny: he just has a wall
kenny: no one can get by
more...
jo: so did he ever SAY he liked me or.. was it just an observation
kenny: all i remember was that
kenny: he was really feeling u
kenny: and u wwere his type
kenny: thats what he told me
kenny: and that u were great
kenny: u payd for his taco bell
kenny: and he likes hanging iwth u
and i realized something- just because things aren't being said doesn't mean they aren't being felt. i have all these feelings for anthony that i might never tell him but they are there. and maybe he doesn't say he likes hanging out with me but doesn't mean he doesn't think it or feel it.
the thing that bothers me is that he was with maria last night. why?! and then today i checked his comments and i guess he comments some chick about going christmas shopping with him and his friends. why doesn't he ask me? because i'm injured? because he's shopping for me too? or he just wants an excuse to hang out with these stupid b*tches? explain that to me. i wonder if he bought her food last night. i wonder what his fascination with her could be. i wonder if she's a backstabbing, lying whore who secretly wants to hook up with him just because. and he can't say no! what is he going to say? there is no real excuse to turn anyone down. he doesn't have a girlfriend and saying that he has a half-girlfriend will just sound completely absurd!
maybe that half relationship titles are for us. like a secret we both have but no one can know about it. vince sure as hell doesn't think i have a half-relationship or will he ever know that. how do you really explain that to people?! vince said we were dating yesterday and it kind of freaked me out. i think i have some commitment phobias like anthony but not when it comes to him. i talked to vince until 2 in the morning. he has such a sexy voice!
anyway, i need to finish my project or i'm going to fail my class. worry about anthony later. i think i'm going to hang out with him today. but who knows.
i am thankful for my new anthony informant, kenny.
current information gathered:
kenny: i know wang can get else where
kenny: but i know he likes u
kenny: he just has a wall
kenny: no one can get by
more...
jo: so did he ever SAY he liked me or.. was it just an observation
kenny: all i remember was that
kenny: he was really feeling u
kenny: and u wwere his type
kenny: thats what he told me
kenny: and that u were great
kenny: u payd for his taco bell
kenny: and he likes hanging iwth u
and i realized something- just because things aren't being said doesn't mean they aren't being felt. i have all these feelings for anthony that i might never tell him but they are there. and maybe he doesn't say he likes hanging out with me but doesn't mean he doesn't think it or feel it.
the thing that bothers me is that he was with maria last night. why?! and then today i checked his comments and i guess he comments some chick about going christmas shopping with him and his friends. why doesn't he ask me? because i'm injured? because he's shopping for me too? or he just wants an excuse to hang out with these stupid b*tches? explain that to me. i wonder if he bought her food last night. i wonder what his fascination with her could be. i wonder if she's a backstabbing, lying whore who secretly wants to hook up with him just because. and he can't say no! what is he going to say? there is no real excuse to turn anyone down. he doesn't have a girlfriend and saying that he has a half-girlfriend will just sound completely absurd!
maybe that half relationship titles are for us. like a secret we both have but no one can know about it. vince sure as hell doesn't think i have a half-relationship or will he ever know that. how do you really explain that to people?! vince said we were dating yesterday and it kind of freaked me out. i think i have some commitment phobias like anthony but not when it comes to him. i talked to vince until 2 in the morning. he has such a sexy voice!
anyway, i need to finish my project or i'm going to fail my class. worry about anthony later. i think i'm going to hang out with him today. but who knows.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:47:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, December 18, 2006
i don't know anymore
Dear heart,
i finally saw him today. nothing significant. watched part of troy and then his friend wanted to be taken home. so he took me home after he dropped off his friend. everything was all- not like we left off at all. i asked if he could come out and hug me and we kissed. his eyes were open. i hate that. i feel it means less when they just watch you. it's funny how he knows how long it's been since we last saw each other. it's either because it was an elaborate plan to not see me until there was no other reason left or... no he can't miss me because if he did, he would have seen me.
i don't know. questions on whether i'm dunzo plague me. god! we were making such great progress too! stupid accident! i guess it shows how much he really cares. but anthony is not the relationship type so he has no clue on how to act in this situation. it just bothers me more because that roxy b*tch commented about getting drunk on new years and how she loves him and misses him. i hate her so much. if he spends my birthday with her, i'll die. i will.
he asked me today if i'd mind if he wang banged another bruja in front of me. i gave him that "are you serious?" look. but i was answering my phone a lot with guy voices on the other end and me using my cute girly voice that i don't think i ever really use with him. i was checking the space and he was reading my messages right behind me. and that cute guy from school messaged me which of course i got excited about. maybe it was my never-ending phone that got him annoyed. he had his arm around me when i started the movie but then my phone kept ringing and he asked me to take it off. it would still vibrate and after i checked it, his arm wasn't there anymore.
i'm trying to get over this because i can feel it fading. i don't know if i have it in me to fight for him. i'm helpless. i can't go see him like before. all the effort is going to be up to him and that's a bit much, even if i was him. i know it wasn't my fault but the fact that i can't drive is probably a big turn off. i'm really trying to not let this hurt me. i don't think it can effect me as it might have if i didn't almost lose my life- what's losing another guy? but it sucks when he randomly reminds me why i like him so much just by being around him for a couple of hours. what to do!
i finally saw him today. nothing significant. watched part of troy and then his friend wanted to be taken home. so he took me home after he dropped off his friend. everything was all- not like we left off at all. i asked if he could come out and hug me and we kissed. his eyes were open. i hate that. i feel it means less when they just watch you. it's funny how he knows how long it's been since we last saw each other. it's either because it was an elaborate plan to not see me until there was no other reason left or... no he can't miss me because if he did, he would have seen me.
i don't know. questions on whether i'm dunzo plague me. god! we were making such great progress too! stupid accident! i guess it shows how much he really cares. but anthony is not the relationship type so he has no clue on how to act in this situation. it just bothers me more because that roxy b*tch commented about getting drunk on new years and how she loves him and misses him. i hate her so much. if he spends my birthday with her, i'll die. i will.
he asked me today if i'd mind if he wang banged another bruja in front of me. i gave him that "are you serious?" look. but i was answering my phone a lot with guy voices on the other end and me using my cute girly voice that i don't think i ever really use with him. i was checking the space and he was reading my messages right behind me. and that cute guy from school messaged me which of course i got excited about. maybe it was my never-ending phone that got him annoyed. he had his arm around me when i started the movie but then my phone kept ringing and he asked me to take it off. it would still vibrate and after i checked it, his arm wasn't there anymore.
i'm trying to get over this because i can feel it fading. i don't know if i have it in me to fight for him. i'm helpless. i can't go see him like before. all the effort is going to be up to him and that's a bit much, even if i was him. i know it wasn't my fault but the fact that i can't drive is probably a big turn off. i'm really trying to not let this hurt me. i don't think it can effect me as it might have if i didn't almost lose my life- what's losing another guy? but it sucks when he randomly reminds me why i like him so much just by being around him for a couple of hours. what to do!
this heart of mine was broken at 1:43:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, December 16, 2006
From my AP English book
Dear heart,
"You think because he doesn't love you that you are worthless.
You think because he doesn't want you anymore that he's right- that his judgement and opinion of you are correct.
If he throws you out, then you are garbage.
You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him.
Don't.
It's a bad word, 'belong.' Especially when you put it with someone you love.
Love shouldn't be like that.
You can't own a human being.
You can't lose what you don't own.
Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you?
You really want someone like that?
Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door?
You don't, do you? And neither does he.
You're turning your whole life to him, Your whole life, girl.
And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him?
He can't value you more than you value yourself."
-Guitar talking to Hagar
Pretty Woman. Who wanted to kill for love, die for love. The pride, the conceit of these doormat women amazed him. They were always women who had been spoiled children. Whose whims had been taken seriously by adults and who grew up to b e the stingiest, greediest people on earth and out of their stinginess grew their stingy little love that ate everything in sight. They could not believe or accept the fact that they were unloved; they believed the world itself was off balance when it appeared as though they were not loved. Why did they think they were so loveable? Why did they think their brand of love was better than, or even as good as, anybody else's? But they did. And they loved their love so much they would kill anybody who got in its way.
Ch. 13, pg 306. Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison.
"You think because he doesn't love you that you are worthless.
You think because he doesn't want you anymore that he's right- that his judgement and opinion of you are correct.
If he throws you out, then you are garbage.
You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him.
Don't.
It's a bad word, 'belong.' Especially when you put it with someone you love.
Love shouldn't be like that.
You can't own a human being.
You can't lose what you don't own.
Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you?
You really want someone like that?
Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door?
You don't, do you? And neither does he.
You're turning your whole life to him, Your whole life, girl.
And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him?
He can't value you more than you value yourself."
-Guitar talking to Hagar
Pretty Woman. Who wanted to kill for love, die for love. The pride, the conceit of these doormat women amazed him. They were always women who had been spoiled children. Whose whims had been taken seriously by adults and who grew up to b e the stingiest, greediest people on earth and out of their stinginess grew their stingy little love that ate everything in sight. They could not believe or accept the fact that they were unloved; they believed the world itself was off balance when it appeared as though they were not loved. Why did they think they were so loveable? Why did they think their brand of love was better than, or even as good as, anybody else's? But they did. And they loved their love so much they would kill anybody who got in its way.
Ch. 13, pg 306. Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison.
this heart of mine was broken at 11:54:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, December 14, 2006
short minus the sweetness
Dear heart,
ok. car accident on tuesday. car blew up. broken clavicle. anthony visited. haven't seen him since then. went clubbing but i'm ok with it.
i like that he calls me first for each new day. the situation is fitting me way too perfectly. no real commitment so no real betrayal. affection, importance, care. i still smell his acura jacket before i go to bed. hope i see him tomorrow.
ok. car accident on tuesday. car blew up. broken clavicle. anthony visited. haven't seen him since then. went clubbing but i'm ok with it.
i like that he calls me first for each new day. the situation is fitting me way too perfectly. no real commitment so no real betrayal. affection, importance, care. i still smell his acura jacket before i go to bed. hope i see him tomorrow.
this heart of mine was broken at 11:59:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, December 11, 2006
need some space
Dear heart,
ok first off let's do a weekend recap. let's see. saturday, i didn't really get to talk to him. maybe on the phone randomly but nothing significant. he went with his parents to anaheim hills. i, on the other hand, went to bob's holiday party. it was better than i thought but i left by 10. it was raining and i was wearing a tubetop and heels.
anyway i stop by vince, the starbucks guy''s pad and just hung out with him for an hour or so. he's very attractive and he's an artist. OMG! his artwork is amazing! he does graphic design for his real job and starbucks for extra cash. that's a relief. i'm sorry but you can't be 23 and working at starbucks. there'd just be something wrong there.
after that, i drive home because there is nothing to do. but before i reach my destination, i play stalker and drive by his t.p. his car wasn't there. then i drove by his parent's house and saw his car there. that's another relief.
the next day was a busy day. at 11, i went to heritage park to take pictures of anty and her brothers for their mom's xmas present. then i went to a baptism. i was kinda pissed because i found out that my dad didn't want me to get a car until i became "more responsible" and kept my room/car clean. GAY! i was so annoyed at chuch. thankfully, he called me and i couldn't pick up but it still made me smile. when i got out, i called him right away and he just makes me laugh all the time, i love it. he apologizes for not calling me but says he was with his parents and that he just woke up. he even messaged me on myspace explaining his whereabouts and his do-abouts, which i found completely unnecessary but very comforting.
anyway, i go to his friend izzy's birthday party. i'm driving to his t.p. and i crash into the side fence thingy of a freeway onramp. the floor was wet and i guess i was going a bit fast and i lost control. there's a scratch but the car was fine. i, on the other hand, was shaking and ready to cry. i call him instantly and find some comfort in the fact that he is incredibly worried about me.
we go to gameworks and i feel weird because they are making fun of the fact that he is wearing a suit and i was the only asian person in their group. everyone but anthony spoke spanish so i felt out of the loop. so i bought izzy a birthday shot and then there were 4 other girls there. i offer a round of shots just so it would break the ice. 3 took my offer. and by the end of the night, they were buying me drinks. i was so wasted. like completely. we eventually move to acapulco and there was this really hot guy with his plain girlfriend. all the girls were drooling over him. maria, the girl he went to dinner with, told me that "wang might get mad" if i keep looking over or commenting about the guy. then later izzy tells me that i'm a down-ass chick. he says that anythony never brings his girls around his friends and he ALWAYS brings me around so i must really be cool. another friend of his telling me that i'm different from other girls. i love it.
so it's time to go home and he gets pulled over. thankfully he is responsible and hasn't drank a drop of alcohol. if he drives he always orders "coke on the rocks." haha so the officer notices i've had too much to drink, anthony says he's just trying to get me home, and i lean over and ask if we can just go. so he let's us go. he says he got lucky cuz i was here. i was so drunk i was falling all over the place at his t.p. he would not allow me to leave. he begged me to stay. i was feeding off that and kept trying to leave to see how much he cared. i don't know how we started doing it but from what i remember, it was GOOD! i fell asleep in his arms. i woke up with my arm asleep. i move to the other end of the couch and fall asleep. i wake up at 4:30, say goodbye, and stumble to my car. when i got home, i threw up what i could but it was more dry heaving and painful stomache contractions.
this morning i could NOT wake up for anything. my body hurt and i told my boss i'd be in two hours late. haha she was cool with it. when i got to work at 10, he called me. he asked if i was ok and wanted to discuss some events of the evening. maritza was walking up with me so i told him i'd call him back. anyway, lara kept bugging me to call anthony because kenny's phone was broken and we were the only link. i guess her constant forcing me to call him made him tell kenny that i've been calling a lot. UGH! i freaking knew it and this was lara's fault. i was so annoyed. this is what i get for helping people. i never want to be annoying to him and now i am afraid to call him. 5 steps backward from where we were?
anyway, they were discussing presents and he guessed what i got him but kenny told him i got him a video game. hopefully that threw him off the scent. then anthony asks kenny what he should get me and kenny suggested making me a build-a-bear. OMG! awesome idea. i always wanted a boy to give me one. i swear i was just thinking of telling kenny to tell anthony to get it for me. kenny is a freaking genius!
so i post a comment on anthony's myspace with a pic of the two of us. i don't know about him, but i think that might be crossing the line. like i don't know why i'm in such denial of him but he's very open about me. like i don't want to kill my game with pictures or references to him. but he doesn't mind pictures. he even wanted the slideshow i sent izzy which had tons of pics of me and him.
right now, i sent him an apology about my calling too much and gave my reasons. i don't think we're gonna talk tonight but i'm cool with that. i feel like it's getting to the point of too much, too soon. i think we need a little space but not a negative kind. i can actually live with space right now but i know i'll miss him later.
ok first off let's do a weekend recap. let's see. saturday, i didn't really get to talk to him. maybe on the phone randomly but nothing significant. he went with his parents to anaheim hills. i, on the other hand, went to bob's holiday party. it was better than i thought but i left by 10. it was raining and i was wearing a tubetop and heels.
anyway i stop by vince, the starbucks guy''s pad and just hung out with him for an hour or so. he's very attractive and he's an artist. OMG! his artwork is amazing! he does graphic design for his real job and starbucks for extra cash. that's a relief. i'm sorry but you can't be 23 and working at starbucks. there'd just be something wrong there.
after that, i drive home because there is nothing to do. but before i reach my destination, i play stalker and drive by his t.p. his car wasn't there. then i drove by his parent's house and saw his car there. that's another relief.
the next day was a busy day. at 11, i went to heritage park to take pictures of anty and her brothers for their mom's xmas present. then i went to a baptism. i was kinda pissed because i found out that my dad didn't want me to get a car until i became "more responsible" and kept my room/car clean. GAY! i was so annoyed at chuch. thankfully, he called me and i couldn't pick up but it still made me smile. when i got out, i called him right away and he just makes me laugh all the time, i love it. he apologizes for not calling me but says he was with his parents and that he just woke up. he even messaged me on myspace explaining his whereabouts and his do-abouts, which i found completely unnecessary but very comforting.
anyway, i go to his friend izzy's birthday party. i'm driving to his t.p. and i crash into the side fence thingy of a freeway onramp. the floor was wet and i guess i was going a bit fast and i lost control. there's a scratch but the car was fine. i, on the other hand, was shaking and ready to cry. i call him instantly and find some comfort in the fact that he is incredibly worried about me.
we go to gameworks and i feel weird because they are making fun of the fact that he is wearing a suit and i was the only asian person in their group. everyone but anthony spoke spanish so i felt out of the loop. so i bought izzy a birthday shot and then there were 4 other girls there. i offer a round of shots just so it would break the ice. 3 took my offer. and by the end of the night, they were buying me drinks. i was so wasted. like completely. we eventually move to acapulco and there was this really hot guy with his plain girlfriend. all the girls were drooling over him. maria, the girl he went to dinner with, told me that "wang might get mad" if i keep looking over or commenting about the guy. then later izzy tells me that i'm a down-ass chick. he says that anythony never brings his girls around his friends and he ALWAYS brings me around so i must really be cool. another friend of his telling me that i'm different from other girls. i love it.
 |
so it's time to go home and he gets pulled over. thankfully he is responsible and hasn't drank a drop of alcohol. if he drives he always orders "coke on the rocks." haha so the officer notices i've had too much to drink, anthony says he's just trying to get me home, and i lean over and ask if we can just go. so he let's us go. he says he got lucky cuz i was here. i was so drunk i was falling all over the place at his t.p. he would not allow me to leave. he begged me to stay. i was feeding off that and kept trying to leave to see how much he cared. i don't know how we started doing it but from what i remember, it was GOOD! i fell asleep in his arms. i woke up with my arm asleep. i move to the other end of the couch and fall asleep. i wake up at 4:30, say goodbye, and stumble to my car. when i got home, i threw up what i could but it was more dry heaving and painful stomache contractions.
this morning i could NOT wake up for anything. my body hurt and i told my boss i'd be in two hours late. haha she was cool with it. when i got to work at 10, he called me. he asked if i was ok and wanted to discuss some events of the evening. maritza was walking up with me so i told him i'd call him back. anyway, lara kept bugging me to call anthony because kenny's phone was broken and we were the only link. i guess her constant forcing me to call him made him tell kenny that i've been calling a lot. UGH! i freaking knew it and this was lara's fault. i was so annoyed. this is what i get for helping people. i never want to be annoying to him and now i am afraid to call him. 5 steps backward from where we were?
anyway, they were discussing presents and he guessed what i got him but kenny told him i got him a video game. hopefully that threw him off the scent. then anthony asks kenny what he should get me and kenny suggested making me a build-a-bear. OMG! awesome idea. i always wanted a boy to give me one. i swear i was just thinking of telling kenny to tell anthony to get it for me. kenny is a freaking genius!
so i post a comment on anthony's myspace with a pic of the two of us. i don't know about him, but i think that might be crossing the line. like i don't know why i'm in such denial of him but he's very open about me. like i don't want to kill my game with pictures or references to him. but he doesn't mind pictures. he even wanted the slideshow i sent izzy which had tons of pics of me and him.
right now, i sent him an apology about my calling too much and gave my reasons. i don't think we're gonna talk tonight but i'm cool with that. i feel like it's getting to the point of too much, too soon. i think we need a little space but not a negative kind. i can actually live with space right now but i know i'll miss him later.
this heart of mine was broken at 9:46:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, December 09, 2006
another lovely night
Dear heart,
anthony is like SO sick right now. last night he was taking a nap when i came over. he was coughing and his nose was running. but he took me to the movies anyway. apocalypto was sold out and i suggested deja vu. i already asked him before if we could watch holiday but when i told him it was a love story, he's all "naw!" but then he said we could watch it. in the theatre, we were just snuggling and laughing about everything. or he'd look at me or i'd look at him and start cracking up for some reason.
favorite line ever: "i like corny. i'm looking for corny." - iris, kate winslet i was all in love with jude law. anthony was all "you want this guy's wang or what?" i nodded with a "duh!" expression. then he asks "more than me??" i thought that was kind of a cute question but i answer, "he's jude law!!!"
i cry like 10 times throughout the movie. he would look at me and ask if i was crying. i'd try to hide it but he knew. when the movie ended, he said he almost cried at this one part. he said it was "a phenomenal film." he said it's making him feel all warm inside. i like when he says things like that because it just sounds so awkward coming from him but i know he means it.
we went to his place and my phone is ringing off the hook. i pretend like i'm leaving and each time he says "you're leaving already?" and i tell him no. we make love and it was actually really good today. since my phone was still ringing at 2 in the morning, he asked nicely if i could put it on vibrate. we snuggle and fall asleep. i had a nightmare but felt better he was there. i went back to bed and then his alarm woke me. it was 5:30! i got ready to go and hugged him goodbye.
i get this text from lara that she had to tell me something that i might want to know. i kept calling her but she didn't tell me till this morning. i guess she was talking to kenny and he was telling her that anthony likes me a lot. that he never treats or talks about a girl like he does with me. that i'm really different, special to him. that made me happy.
i talk to vince from starbucks and dago. dago said he'd go to the ymca prom with me. he'd be fun to take. i talked to anthony for a bit and i was just so excited about the present i got him. he LOVES hockey and the mighty ducks and i got bryce to sell me his kings vs ducks tickets. he asked me what i was doing tonight and i told him my boss' holiday party. he asked how long i would stay because he was inviting me to izzy's birthday party, the brother of that girl he went out with. i told him if i left early, i'd go. he said for me to go only if it wasn't lame. he said he'd call me later.
he hasn't called me yet and i feel it's because i told him i got him the best present ever. hope he didn't get all weird about that. i even messaged him on myspace about how i just wanted to get one for him even tho i know he's not the buying-presents kinda guy. i told him he was one of my favorite people and so i bought presents for all my friends, why not him. yeah so i hope he's ok with all of it. he sounded a little freaked out.
anthony is like SO sick right now. last night he was taking a nap when i came over. he was coughing and his nose was running. but he took me to the movies anyway. apocalypto was sold out and i suggested deja vu. i already asked him before if we could watch holiday but when i told him it was a love story, he's all "naw!" but then he said we could watch it. in the theatre, we were just snuggling and laughing about everything. or he'd look at me or i'd look at him and start cracking up for some reason.
favorite line ever: "i like corny. i'm looking for corny." - iris, kate winslet i was all in love with jude law. anthony was all "you want this guy's wang or what?" i nodded with a "duh!" expression. then he asks "more than me??" i thought that was kind of a cute question but i answer, "he's jude law!!!"
i cry like 10 times throughout the movie. he would look at me and ask if i was crying. i'd try to hide it but he knew. when the movie ended, he said he almost cried at this one part. he said it was "a phenomenal film." he said it's making him feel all warm inside. i like when he says things like that because it just sounds so awkward coming from him but i know he means it.
we went to his place and my phone is ringing off the hook. i pretend like i'm leaving and each time he says "you're leaving already?" and i tell him no. we make love and it was actually really good today. since my phone was still ringing at 2 in the morning, he asked nicely if i could put it on vibrate. we snuggle and fall asleep. i had a nightmare but felt better he was there. i went back to bed and then his alarm woke me. it was 5:30! i got ready to go and hugged him goodbye.
i get this text from lara that she had to tell me something that i might want to know. i kept calling her but she didn't tell me till this morning. i guess she was talking to kenny and he was telling her that anthony likes me a lot. that he never treats or talks about a girl like he does with me. that i'm really different, special to him. that made me happy.
i talk to vince from starbucks and dago. dago said he'd go to the ymca prom with me. he'd be fun to take. i talked to anthony for a bit and i was just so excited about the present i got him. he LOVES hockey and the mighty ducks and i got bryce to sell me his kings vs ducks tickets. he asked me what i was doing tonight and i told him my boss' holiday party. he asked how long i would stay because he was inviting me to izzy's birthday party, the brother of that girl he went out with. i told him if i left early, i'd go. he said for me to go only if it wasn't lame. he said he'd call me later.
he hasn't called me yet and i feel it's because i told him i got him the best present ever. hope he didn't get all weird about that. i even messaged him on myspace about how i just wanted to get one for him even tho i know he's not the buying-presents kinda guy. i told him he was one of my favorite people and so i bought presents for all my friends, why not him. yeah so i hope he's ok with all of it. he sounded a little freaked out.
this heart of mine was broken at 11:35:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, December 08, 2006
back to normal
Dear heart,
he calls me again randomly asking me what i'm doing at work. he tells me he can't make it to the holiday party because he has to go to anaheim hills with his family that night. i was cool with that. at least it wasn't some other reason where he had control or choice in the matter. i needed some time off from him anyway. it's just- we've been seeing each other WAY too much and i don't want us to get sick of each other. it's called space. use it. i remember this one book said something about going to seperate corners and be away from each other for awhile. then come together and tell each other all about it. i always liked that idea.
tonight we have decided to watch a movie. i tried to be unpredictable with suggestions of bowling or ice skating but he said that wasn't fun with two people. so we went with the idea we always went with- movie. he wanted to watch it a little later because he wanted to nap first so we were gonna watch Apocalypto at 10:20. i told him i might hafto leave the house and do something because after a certain time, i can't leave my house. "why don't you just come over the t.p?" i thought he was going to be sleeping but he told he just wants me there. i told him i'd bring entertainment and he says "yeah! bring yourself." he's dumb. i told him i was bringing my gameboy advance and he told me to bring it. isn't that JUST what i said? haha
so he "threatens" me that i better shower before i come over. i ask him if he showered and he said this morning. but then if he worked all day... but i do smell a little funky down there. honestly, it smells like vomit. i don't know how but it does! i told him about it too. we were laughing about it. i think... i will shave for him today. anyway, he's teasing me then begging me to please shower. i was going to but i wanted to give him a hard time. i love it when he says my name. when he pleaded, he's all, "joaaaaanne!" it was cute. i could have died but i didn't.
hopefully there will be no brujas over there for me to be weird over. i hope he doesn't bring up what happened last night, why i started drinking, or if(and/or)why i was mad. i wouldn't know how to not lie and not be obvious about the truth with my facial expressions. things like that- it's hard to lie because part of me wants him to know. i think that's why. when i lie, i'm good at it because all of me wants to hide whatever i'm lying about.
i can't WAIT to get off work... god it's draggin! i hope i get my card back. i'm kinda scared if they lost it or something. damn i hate leaving things behind when i'm drunk.
he calls me again randomly asking me what i'm doing at work. he tells me he can't make it to the holiday party because he has to go to anaheim hills with his family that night. i was cool with that. at least it wasn't some other reason where he had control or choice in the matter. i needed some time off from him anyway. it's just- we've been seeing each other WAY too much and i don't want us to get sick of each other. it's called space. use it. i remember this one book said something about going to seperate corners and be away from each other for awhile. then come together and tell each other all about it. i always liked that idea.
tonight we have decided to watch a movie. i tried to be unpredictable with suggestions of bowling or ice skating but he said that wasn't fun with two people. so we went with the idea we always went with- movie. he wanted to watch it a little later because he wanted to nap first so we were gonna watch Apocalypto at 10:20. i told him i might hafto leave the house and do something because after a certain time, i can't leave my house. "why don't you just come over the t.p?" i thought he was going to be sleeping but he told he just wants me there. i told him i'd bring entertainment and he says "yeah! bring yourself." he's dumb. i told him i was bringing my gameboy advance and he told me to bring it. isn't that JUST what i said? haha
so he "threatens" me that i better shower before i come over. i ask him if he showered and he said this morning. but then if he worked all day... but i do smell a little funky down there. honestly, it smells like vomit. i don't know how but it does! i told him about it too. we were laughing about it. i think... i will shave for him today. anyway, he's teasing me then begging me to please shower. i was going to but i wanted to give him a hard time. i love it when he says my name. when he pleaded, he's all, "joaaaaanne!" it was cute. i could have died but i didn't.
hopefully there will be no brujas over there for me to be weird over. i hope he doesn't bring up what happened last night, why i started drinking, or if(and/or)why i was mad. i wouldn't know how to not lie and not be obvious about the truth with my facial expressions. things like that- it's hard to lie because part of me wants him to know. i think that's why. when i lie, i'm good at it because all of me wants to hide whatever i'm lying about.
i can't WAIT to get off work... god it's draggin! i hope i get my card back. i'm kinda scared if they lost it or something. damn i hate leaving things behind when i'm drunk.
this heart of mine was broken at 4:49:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
the eventual 2 steps back
Dear heart,
with every step forward, there is the eventual step backwards. everything was all good with the anthony thing, slowly but surely moving forward. i couldn't be happier. then life had to throw me road blocks. that's just how it is.
so yesterday after work, brenda and i go to guppys. instead of playing video games, she asked if i wanted us to go to anthony's t.p. and hang out. uh... HECK YES! so we call him and tell him we're coming over. when we got there, a black suv passed us with a hispanic girl in there using the phone. i thought nothing of it, but for some reason i thought, "that would be funny if she knew anthony..." i don't know how that thought crossed my head but it did. he is outside his t.p. saying we can chill for 10 minutes and then he has to eat. i told him we'd go with him. whenever he goes and gets something to eat, he always takes me with him. he looks at me confused. "didn't you guys just eat." i still did not get it.
he finally explains that he's having dinner with his "sister's friend." my mind went through all the people i remember from his sister's myspace. she had pretty friends. we went inside and i was already feeling awkward. when i am not happy, it shows. i try to hide the fact that it hurts like hell but i can feel my smile starting to look fake. at first, it was funny with him trying to get brenda to talk. i love that about him. right when you think he'd be unfriendly, he's someone i want to show to everyone. then he asks if we want to meet his "sister's friend" then corrects himself. "friend's sister." this really pretty older looking hispanic girl comes in. my heart drops. could everyone see it in my face that i wanted to scream? i notice her wearing a puffer jacket like me, except hers was black. i couldn't even look at her. i couldn't even look at him. my eyes stayed glued to family guy. when he said they had to go, i got up and headed for the door. brenda didn't know how to open it so i twisted the knob and let myself out. i was starting to feel claustrophobic in there.
before we walk off, he hugs me the same tight hugs that i love. but i couldn't return the effort. i had to throw up. brenda and i started walking away then running. it was time to go to a bar. we went to the friar's first but i guess it was grandparent night! we went to T.J.'s in placentia. it was fun, i think. i just couldn't remember half the crap that was happening. i remember slide shows.
he texted me something like "r u mad? cuz it seemed like u r?" uh... YES!!!! so i call him back and tell him i'm not mad. he asked if i was "twisted" and i said no. he said he could tell in my voice that i am. i don't remember how long after i call him again and say "ok, i don't care or anything. like i REALLY don't care but... are you gonna have sex with her?" he told me it wasn't like that. she even wanted to talk to me. she cleared things up like she's 24. she's old. she has 2 kids. anthony is a baby. it's not even like that. she even offers to go over where i was. but anthony had work the next day so he said to just come by when i was done. he didn't want me driving "twisted" though. I'm glad he cares enough about me to not want me to die. haha
we go to their place after and i don't remember half the things that happen or that is said. i just remember him taking back what he said about not being able to be my friend if i got a boyfriend. so i could get a boyfriend. he asked me if i found someone and i told him no. i feel like me being like that and saying those things pushes him away from me. whatever progress happened when he came back from vegas seemed to be erased by one evening. will things change? will he not feel the same way about me?
i texted him last night if it was ok if he talks to me while i drive home. i called him right when i got into the car. his phone was off. so he doesn't care. i don't care. i staggered to my bed and fell asleep almost instantly. in the morning, i was awakened by a phone call from anthony. even though it was disturbing my precious beauty sleep, i had to get up for work anyway and it brought a smile to my face to wake up to the sound of his voice. he apologized for barely getting my text this morning. he said he turned his phone off last night. well duh. so i tell him i'd call him later cuz i was going back to bed. he told me to get ready for work so i won't be late.
i felt like crap. i was still stumbling over EVERYthing. and then i realize i left my atm card at the bar. god! i hate getting drunk sometimes. it's so hard to remember stuff. i go to work and when i get there, i realize i left my wallet at home. what's worse- there were free tickets to this Video Game Awards at 5:30 but i had work and so did anthony and he'd never skip it because he's responsible. it's cute but unfortunate.
so i'm doing data, actually on myspace, but i get a call on my work phone. it was anthony pretending to be some indian guy named habib. it was hilarious. i pretended that i thought he was eddie making me go to a meeting. he laughs at me for not knowing it was him but i knew. i just wanted him to feel like he actually tricked me. he asked me about the meeting i'm going to, asked me how i felt, and made conversation about my day. so i guess not TOO MUCH has changed. he even left a comment about his prank phone call. i just get happy about his rare and far between comments on the space. then he randomly calls me while i'm having lunch and i asked if he wanted to join me for that holiday party. he said no before but now he said he had to see cuz he thinks he might go somewhere with his family. but it was cute how he seemed almost pursuaded by my whining. i asked him if he was busy later and he said he had no plans. hope that means i get to see him.
i think i saw him everyday this week. oh wait, not monday. i had to watch heroes. no... i saw him. nevermind. that's when i brought gifts to his friends. yeah so i did see him every day this week. i hope he doesn't mind. i know he doesn't mind my company. i remember being in the room with him and he pulls me under the covers and i keep apologizing for disturbing his sleep and he says he doesn't mind.
i need to go home and shower because i am so dirty and ugly right now. he was all asking me what i was wearing and worried that i was showing my bajongas at work. haha geez. it suprises me that he wasn't upset at my reaction to his dinner with that girl. that was SO an action of an "attached" chick and he actually tried to ease my worry by having me talk to that girl. i don't think he would have done that with any other girl who might have started getting attached. he's probably guessed that i am attached but i guess it's not something we are discussing in fear of destroying what we have. he probably doesn't want to break it off with me and he's already informed me that a conversation about being attached would mark the start of that. i hope i am still somewhat special to him. i wonder if he's really getting me a present.
it's funny because sometimes you make a lot of progress and keep moving forward. then something happens and you take some steps back and you swear you can't recover. but you know what? you can! with just one step at a time, you just might get to where you want to be.
with every step forward, there is the eventual step backwards. everything was all good with the anthony thing, slowly but surely moving forward. i couldn't be happier. then life had to throw me road blocks. that's just how it is.
so yesterday after work, brenda and i go to guppys. instead of playing video games, she asked if i wanted us to go to anthony's t.p. and hang out. uh... HECK YES! so we call him and tell him we're coming over. when we got there, a black suv passed us with a hispanic girl in there using the phone. i thought nothing of it, but for some reason i thought, "that would be funny if she knew anthony..." i don't know how that thought crossed my head but it did. he is outside his t.p. saying we can chill for 10 minutes and then he has to eat. i told him we'd go with him. whenever he goes and gets something to eat, he always takes me with him. he looks at me confused. "didn't you guys just eat." i still did not get it.
he finally explains that he's having dinner with his "sister's friend." my mind went through all the people i remember from his sister's myspace. she had pretty friends. we went inside and i was already feeling awkward. when i am not happy, it shows. i try to hide the fact that it hurts like hell but i can feel my smile starting to look fake. at first, it was funny with him trying to get brenda to talk. i love that about him. right when you think he'd be unfriendly, he's someone i want to show to everyone. then he asks if we want to meet his "sister's friend" then corrects himself. "friend's sister." this really pretty older looking hispanic girl comes in. my heart drops. could everyone see it in my face that i wanted to scream? i notice her wearing a puffer jacket like me, except hers was black. i couldn't even look at her. i couldn't even look at him. my eyes stayed glued to family guy. when he said they had to go, i got up and headed for the door. brenda didn't know how to open it so i twisted the knob and let myself out. i was starting to feel claustrophobic in there.
before we walk off, he hugs me the same tight hugs that i love. but i couldn't return the effort. i had to throw up. brenda and i started walking away then running. it was time to go to a bar. we went to the friar's first but i guess it was grandparent night! we went to T.J.'s in placentia. it was fun, i think. i just couldn't remember half the crap that was happening. i remember slide shows.
he texted me something like "r u mad? cuz it seemed like u r?" uh... YES!!!! so i call him back and tell him i'm not mad. he asked if i was "twisted" and i said no. he said he could tell in my voice that i am. i don't remember how long after i call him again and say "ok, i don't care or anything. like i REALLY don't care but... are you gonna have sex with her?" he told me it wasn't like that. she even wanted to talk to me. she cleared things up like she's 24. she's old. she has 2 kids. anthony is a baby. it's not even like that. she even offers to go over where i was. but anthony had work the next day so he said to just come by when i was done. he didn't want me driving "twisted" though. I'm glad he cares enough about me to not want me to die. haha
we go to their place after and i don't remember half the things that happen or that is said. i just remember him taking back what he said about not being able to be my friend if i got a boyfriend. so i could get a boyfriend. he asked me if i found someone and i told him no. i feel like me being like that and saying those things pushes him away from me. whatever progress happened when he came back from vegas seemed to be erased by one evening. will things change? will he not feel the same way about me?
i texted him last night if it was ok if he talks to me while i drive home. i called him right when i got into the car. his phone was off. so he doesn't care. i don't care. i staggered to my bed and fell asleep almost instantly. in the morning, i was awakened by a phone call from anthony. even though it was disturbing my precious beauty sleep, i had to get up for work anyway and it brought a smile to my face to wake up to the sound of his voice. he apologized for barely getting my text this morning. he said he turned his phone off last night. well duh. so i tell him i'd call him later cuz i was going back to bed. he told me to get ready for work so i won't be late.
i felt like crap. i was still stumbling over EVERYthing. and then i realize i left my atm card at the bar. god! i hate getting drunk sometimes. it's so hard to remember stuff. i go to work and when i get there, i realize i left my wallet at home. what's worse- there were free tickets to this Video Game Awards at 5:30 but i had work and so did anthony and he'd never skip it because he's responsible. it's cute but unfortunate.
so i'm doing data, actually on myspace, but i get a call on my work phone. it was anthony pretending to be some indian guy named habib. it was hilarious. i pretended that i thought he was eddie making me go to a meeting. he laughs at me for not knowing it was him but i knew. i just wanted him to feel like he actually tricked me. he asked me about the meeting i'm going to, asked me how i felt, and made conversation about my day. so i guess not TOO MUCH has changed. he even left a comment about his prank phone call. i just get happy about his rare and far between comments on the space. then he randomly calls me while i'm having lunch and i asked if he wanted to join me for that holiday party. he said no before but now he said he had to see cuz he thinks he might go somewhere with his family. but it was cute how he seemed almost pursuaded by my whining. i asked him if he was busy later and he said he had no plans. hope that means i get to see him.
i think i saw him everyday this week. oh wait, not monday. i had to watch heroes. no... i saw him. nevermind. that's when i brought gifts to his friends. yeah so i did see him every day this week. i hope he doesn't mind. i know he doesn't mind my company. i remember being in the room with him and he pulls me under the covers and i keep apologizing for disturbing his sleep and he says he doesn't mind.
i need to go home and shower because i am so dirty and ugly right now. he was all asking me what i was wearing and worried that i was showing my bajongas at work. haha geez. it suprises me that he wasn't upset at my reaction to his dinner with that girl. that was SO an action of an "attached" chick and he actually tried to ease my worry by having me talk to that girl. i don't think he would have done that with any other girl who might have started getting attached. he's probably guessed that i am attached but i guess it's not something we are discussing in fear of destroying what we have. he probably doesn't want to break it off with me and he's already informed me that a conversation about being attached would mark the start of that. i hope i am still somewhat special to him. i wonder if he's really getting me a present.
it's funny because sometimes you make a lot of progress and keep moving forward. then something happens and you take some steps back and you swear you can't recover. but you know what? you can! with just one step at a time, you just might get to where you want to be.
this heart of mine was broken at 9:06:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, December 07, 2006
checking up on me
Dear heart,
it's funny how he calls me on my work phone. it kinda gives me a reason to get excited about picking up the phone. anyway like i said already, he's sick and is going straight home tonight. he asked me what was going on tonight. i was confused. he wasn't going to see me. but then he goes, "i know i'm going to bed but i want to know what YOU'RE doing." it's like he's checking up on me or keeping me on check or something. so i told him i was going to eat dinner with brenda and play video games. he asked me where and i told him at guppys and he asked if i was going to get some boba loca after. i told him i don't think i'm allowed to drink that because there's too much sugar. he asked me how long i've been on my diet and i told him since september 27. he remembers how much weight i lost and he tells me he's trying to gain weight. we bullsh*t for a bit more and then he tells me "can i get back to work now?" in a joking way. we both laugh and he told me he'd call me later. yeah, it was random but i find him questioning my whereabouts very boyfriend-like.
it's funny how he calls me on my work phone. it kinda gives me a reason to get excited about picking up the phone. anyway like i said already, he's sick and is going straight home tonight. he asked me what was going on tonight. i was confused. he wasn't going to see me. but then he goes, "i know i'm going to bed but i want to know what YOU'RE doing." it's like he's checking up on me or keeping me on check or something. so i told him i was going to eat dinner with brenda and play video games. he asked me where and i told him at guppys and he asked if i was going to get some boba loca after. i told him i don't think i'm allowed to drink that because there's too much sugar. he asked me how long i've been on my diet and i told him since september 27. he remembers how much weight i lost and he tells me he's trying to gain weight. we bullsh*t for a bit more and then he tells me "can i get back to work now?" in a joking way. we both laugh and he told me he'd call me later. yeah, it was random but i find him questioning my whereabouts very boyfriend-like.
this heart of mine was broken at 3:43:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
someone special
Dear heart,
i got my lover sick. i feel really bad about that. he sounds all calm but tired. he said when he gets home, he's just gonna go to bed.
ok last night was awesome. first of all, i'm trying to hook up lara with his friend kenny. so kenny messages me with his screenname and we talk online. i casually bring up if anthony ever talks about me. kenny asked what i meant. so i asked if he ever says anything nice about me. basically, he always says good things about me. and i wondered if he talks about me like i'm just another chick he's banging. these were kenny's exact words. "no. you're someone special to him." OMG! whaaat???? that just threw me in a good version of the twilight zone. he finishes up with "he's just not the relationship type." and really, i've learned to live with that. whatever we have right now is better than what actual relationships have been like. in anthony's case, i get honesty, affection, priority (and being special), and company. so i can't complain.
anyway, kenny starts telling me that he said one bad thing- that he hopes i don't get him a christmas present. well, i knew that about him. that he doesn't get presents for people. but i guess he was asking advice from kenny on what to get me. he doesn't know what to get a girl thats why he hates buying presents. he has never given a girl a present so he asked kenny to help him out with that stuff. i'm very suprised that he would even think of buying me a present. i was already getting him something and wasn't really expecting anything in return. it just made me feel good that i was "someone special." you KNOW that's all i really ask for in a guy: that i am different than other girls, that i am a favorite somehow.
so he comes over and we watch family guy. he is sick and i apologize to him for getting him sick. he's like you better be! i try to move so i'm not hugging him but he pulls me close and tells me he's kidding. we made love and he even felt dangerous and tried it the other way. it felt pretty good. but when he was kissing my neck and i was kissing his shoulder, it hits me. i REALLY like him a lot. i think it's gotten to the point where it's just so overwhelming how i feel about him. it scared me a little. i was just so happy i didn't want any of this to end. after, he kisses me and just looks at me for a long time. he brushes the hair out of my eyes. i tell him he can spend the night and he turns off my laptop and snuggles into me. we giggle about random things like him being predictable and i said i was unpredictable. as he kisses the back of my shoulders, he teases me that he already can tell what i'm going to say, ask him, or do. he hugs me closer and we just laugh quietly for no reason. we randomly blow our noses and pass my tissue paper back and forth. this is a random memory but once he asked me if i'd rub his back and i was all "yeah right." then he goes, "i'd do it for you." and i felt bad because i would have done it for him if it didn't sound like a dominance question.
eventually, i tell him good night and he says it too. i hug him from behind but tell him i wanted a kiss before we went to bed. he turns around, cups my face with his hand and gives me a kiss that could stop earthquakes. the alarm sounds at 5:15. he looks at the time and hugs me tighter. he tells me he'll leave at 5:30. he hugs me where his head is on my chest and he's hugging my torso. he looks at me for a couple of seconds and i kiss him. he puts his head back down and i rub his back. we stay like that for awhile until he leaves. i didn't want him to leave and i could tell he didn't want to either. i put some clothes on and we hold each other for a bit before he jumps out my window. i jump back into bed with a squeal. i still can't get over the fact that i'm someone special to someone like anthony.
i got my lover sick. i feel really bad about that. he sounds all calm but tired. he said when he gets home, he's just gonna go to bed.
ok last night was awesome. first of all, i'm trying to hook up lara with his friend kenny. so kenny messages me with his screenname and we talk online. i casually bring up if anthony ever talks about me. kenny asked what i meant. so i asked if he ever says anything nice about me. basically, he always says good things about me. and i wondered if he talks about me like i'm just another chick he's banging. these were kenny's exact words. "no. you're someone special to him." OMG! whaaat???? that just threw me in a good version of the twilight zone. he finishes up with "he's just not the relationship type." and really, i've learned to live with that. whatever we have right now is better than what actual relationships have been like. in anthony's case, i get honesty, affection, priority (and being special), and company. so i can't complain.
anyway, kenny starts telling me that he said one bad thing- that he hopes i don't get him a christmas present. well, i knew that about him. that he doesn't get presents for people. but i guess he was asking advice from kenny on what to get me. he doesn't know what to get a girl thats why he hates buying presents. he has never given a girl a present so he asked kenny to help him out with that stuff. i'm very suprised that he would even think of buying me a present. i was already getting him something and wasn't really expecting anything in return. it just made me feel good that i was "someone special." you KNOW that's all i really ask for in a guy: that i am different than other girls, that i am a favorite somehow.
so he comes over and we watch family guy. he is sick and i apologize to him for getting him sick. he's like you better be! i try to move so i'm not hugging him but he pulls me close and tells me he's kidding. we made love and he even felt dangerous and tried it the other way. it felt pretty good. but when he was kissing my neck and i was kissing his shoulder, it hits me. i REALLY like him a lot. i think it's gotten to the point where it's just so overwhelming how i feel about him. it scared me a little. i was just so happy i didn't want any of this to end. after, he kisses me and just looks at me for a long time. he brushes the hair out of my eyes. i tell him he can spend the night and he turns off my laptop and snuggles into me. we giggle about random things like him being predictable and i said i was unpredictable. as he kisses the back of my shoulders, he teases me that he already can tell what i'm going to say, ask him, or do. he hugs me closer and we just laugh quietly for no reason. we randomly blow our noses and pass my tissue paper back and forth. this is a random memory but once he asked me if i'd rub his back and i was all "yeah right." then he goes, "i'd do it for you." and i felt bad because i would have done it for him if it didn't sound like a dominance question.
eventually, i tell him good night and he says it too. i hug him from behind but tell him i wanted a kiss before we went to bed. he turns around, cups my face with his hand and gives me a kiss that could stop earthquakes. the alarm sounds at 5:15. he looks at the time and hugs me tighter. he tells me he'll leave at 5:30. he hugs me where his head is on my chest and he's hugging my torso. he looks at me for a couple of seconds and i kiss him. he puts his head back down and i rub his back. we stay like that for awhile until he leaves. i didn't want him to leave and i could tell he didn't want to either. i put some clothes on and we hold each other for a bit before he jumps out my window. i jump back into bed with a squeal. i still can't get over the fact that i'm someone special to someone like anthony.
this heart of mine was broken at 1:47:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Lunch Update
Dear heart,
for lunch, i brought my office mate sandra with me. maybe i could get a second opinion about him. i was a bit scared. sandra is a talkative girl but i kinda didn't wanna hear how bad he was for me and blah blah blah. suprisingly, in the car he kept making an effort to start conversations. walking to rubios, he kept "bumping" into me. it was kinda cute. he has a thing for hair in pippi longstocking braids and coincidentally i had my hair like that today. he said it looked very nice. it's just funny how he says things and how he sounds saying it. he asked if i showered today because i told him the only reason i would ever put my hair in a ponytail, put my hair in braids, or do anything to my hair besides keep it down is if i didn't shower. i punch him but he assures me with the fact that he didn't shower today either. i just laughed at him.
lara's sister was the manager at rubios and she gave us like a 50% discount. it was awesome! i really didn't expect things to go that well. it was cute having this little lunch out of nowhere. my friends meeting his friends and having them actually get along- it was surreal. ok he had a 20-year-old asian friend and i had a 32-year-old hispanic lady. but everyone was cool. she thought he was cute and really nice. she really liked him. before she was pushing for dago, but now meeting anthony she prefers him. i told her i'd let her meet dago so she could make choices for me. haha
for lunch, i brought my office mate sandra with me. maybe i could get a second opinion about him. i was a bit scared. sandra is a talkative girl but i kinda didn't wanna hear how bad he was for me and blah blah blah. suprisingly, in the car he kept making an effort to start conversations. walking to rubios, he kept "bumping" into me. it was kinda cute. he has a thing for hair in pippi longstocking braids and coincidentally i had my hair like that today. he said it looked very nice. it's just funny how he says things and how he sounds saying it. he asked if i showered today because i told him the only reason i would ever put my hair in a ponytail, put my hair in braids, or do anything to my hair besides keep it down is if i didn't shower. i punch him but he assures me with the fact that he didn't shower today either. i just laughed at him.
lara's sister was the manager at rubios and she gave us like a 50% discount. it was awesome! i really didn't expect things to go that well. it was cute having this little lunch out of nowhere. my friends meeting his friends and having them actually get along- it was surreal. ok he had a 20-year-old asian friend and i had a 32-year-old hispanic lady. but everyone was cool. she thought he was cute and really nice. she really liked him. before she was pushing for dago, but now meeting anthony she prefers him. i told her i'd let her meet dago so she could make choices for me. haha
this heart of mine was broken at 5:01:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
LUNCH
Dear heart,
anthony just called me and asked if i wanted to have lunch with him. it was kinda cute because he sounded a little shy and awkward asking me out. i don't remember hearing that uncertainty in his voice since... well, i felt it in a text he sent but i actually never heard him be so unsure of himself. i'm excited. i know it's just lunch but it's with him and he invited me. everything is special when it comes to him. maybe i can stop by at toyota after... OMG i'm a terrible person.
anthony just called me and asked if i wanted to have lunch with him. it was kinda cute because he sounded a little shy and awkward asking me out. i don't remember hearing that uncertainty in his voice since... well, i felt it in a text he sent but i actually never heard him be so unsure of himself. i'm excited. i know it's just lunch but it's with him and he invited me. everything is special when it comes to him. maybe i can stop by at toyota after... OMG i'm a terrible person.
this heart of mine was broken at 11:27:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
guilt makes you hallucinate
Dear heart,
i just came back from the comedy club with anthony. a lot of mixed messages throughout the night. we went to wendy's before we left for the show. i guess some guy was staring at my "melons" and he noticed. he said the guy stared at them and then at him. anthony was all, "he was checking if i saw him look at my melons. that's right. they are MY melons." i brush it off but can't help but blush at the possessive pronouns used. we have random serious talks. i think i mentioned michael and then he remindingly warns me that if i ever speak to him, that he won't speak to me at all. "what we have here is over." he then told me i was a really nice girl and that i deserve someone really good. he asked if i knew that and i nodded. he said just by the way i treat him, he can tell i'd be a good girlfriend. i took that as a compliment but it made me a little sad. if i'd be such a good girlfriend, why doesn't he want me as his? a FULL one! he then pretends that he doesn't want to have sex anymore. that he wants to be friends- no more, no less. he was kidding but i didn't really see the point of that joke's exisence.
i really enjoy randomly laughing with him, and it tickles me when i realize his laugh was created by me. i tell him random stories on the way home and he is amazed by me. he can't believe i sing AND dance in the car. i showed him some examples of different actions corresponding to different song moods and genres.
we get to his place and we do it. i ask him randomly how he'd go about telling someone he doesn't wanna have sex with them anymore. he tells me that he would do it just like he did when he pretended with me, except with the "just kidding" part left out. he says he does it when he thinks a girl is attached- by his definition is someone who gets mad about him and other girls like they think they're the only one. speeches like that really hurt me. i don't know what iron-clad armor he wears around his heart but normal people under normal circumstances would feel a hurt if someone they are seeing is screwing someone else, whether they were with or not with a person.
we start kissing again. for some reason, each time i look at him in the dark i see dago. i feel scared and kinda look away. it's almost like guilt staring me in the face. but who do i feel guilty with? i kinda freak out inside because i feel like he KNOWS. i close my eyes and remember the wonderful lips of anthony. but all joking and corny-ness aside, do you think it MEANS somthing?
it turns out his friend henry hear us again. he gets pissed saying there is a motel across the way that charges per hour. i felt bad but WHY WAS HE NOT WEARING THE PLUGS I GAVE HIM?! i know its cold and we are both getting sick so i hug him inside his house. he still puts on his shoes and jacket to walk me out. we hug for a bit and then he kinda gives me little kisses on my lips. i wrinkle my nose. was he being cute with me? as i am driving on the freeway, he texts me (he finds it pointless to text after 9. JUST CALL!) with "Thanx 4 2nite! Good nite!" From anyone else, that would have been a whatever text. but that was actually very nice of him to thank me. i know that was out-of-character on his part. it made my night end happily. i talk to dago for a bit with hopes to see him another day this week. sounds GOOD to me.
i just came back from the comedy club with anthony. a lot of mixed messages throughout the night. we went to wendy's before we left for the show. i guess some guy was staring at my "melons" and he noticed. he said the guy stared at them and then at him. anthony was all, "he was checking if i saw him look at my melons. that's right. they are MY melons." i brush it off but can't help but blush at the possessive pronouns used. we have random serious talks. i think i mentioned michael and then he remindingly warns me that if i ever speak to him, that he won't speak to me at all. "what we have here is over." he then told me i was a really nice girl and that i deserve someone really good. he asked if i knew that and i nodded. he said just by the way i treat him, he can tell i'd be a good girlfriend. i took that as a compliment but it made me a little sad. if i'd be such a good girlfriend, why doesn't he want me as his? a FULL one! he then pretends that he doesn't want to have sex anymore. that he wants to be friends- no more, no less. he was kidding but i didn't really see the point of that joke's exisence.
i really enjoy randomly laughing with him, and it tickles me when i realize his laugh was created by me. i tell him random stories on the way home and he is amazed by me. he can't believe i sing AND dance in the car. i showed him some examples of different actions corresponding to different song moods and genres.
we get to his place and we do it. i ask him randomly how he'd go about telling someone he doesn't wanna have sex with them anymore. he tells me that he would do it just like he did when he pretended with me, except with the "just kidding" part left out. he says he does it when he thinks a girl is attached- by his definition is someone who gets mad about him and other girls like they think they're the only one. speeches like that really hurt me. i don't know what iron-clad armor he wears around his heart but normal people under normal circumstances would feel a hurt if someone they are seeing is screwing someone else, whether they were with or not with a person.
we start kissing again. for some reason, each time i look at him in the dark i see dago. i feel scared and kinda look away. it's almost like guilt staring me in the face. but who do i feel guilty with? i kinda freak out inside because i feel like he KNOWS. i close my eyes and remember the wonderful lips of anthony. but all joking and corny-ness aside, do you think it MEANS somthing?
it turns out his friend henry hear us again. he gets pissed saying there is a motel across the way that charges per hour. i felt bad but WHY WAS HE NOT WEARING THE PLUGS I GAVE HIM?! i know its cold and we are both getting sick so i hug him inside his house. he still puts on his shoes and jacket to walk me out. we hug for a bit and then he kinda gives me little kisses on my lips. i wrinkle my nose. was he being cute with me? as i am driving on the freeway, he texts me (he finds it pointless to text after 9. JUST CALL!) with "Thanx 4 2nite! Good nite!" From anyone else, that would have been a whatever text. but that was actually very nice of him to thank me. i know that was out-of-character on his part. it made my night end happily. i talk to dago for a bit with hopes to see him another day this week. sounds GOOD to me.
this heart of mine was broken at 1:03:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
screwing around, screwing up, and good screwing
Dear heart,
last night i stopped over the t.p. with gifts for him and his friends. i guess i was in SUCH a good mood with my cute outfit and then him treating me like his new girlfriend or something. his friend henry was a little upset the night before because we were pretty loud having sex and then after we LOVE to just talk and talk. in dead silence, whispers sound freakin loud. so he was sleeping and he HAD his headphones on but i guess his music stopped and all he could hear was us. so i bought him earplugs for an I'm-sorry present and he said i was awesome and forgave me. his other friend izzy got hot cheetos since he always asks for it whenever someone goes into a store and then my anthony got a mint chapstick and a 12 pack of condoms. he was very happy with that. his friends were all saying that they "like jojo."
while i sat there, they teased him about changing his status on myspace to "in a relationship." and then henry was like, "no it should be 'married.'" i was mortified but he didn't say anything. he just sat there and smiled. i looked at him like "help me" and he just smiled a little embarassed. had he told his friends about being in a HALF RELATIONSHIP with me? then he asked if i wanted to go with him to hunt for ceviche. so i went along for the ride. before going into the restaurant, he offered me his sweater because he said people were going to stare at my "bajongas." it's funny how he's always so worried and paranoid about that- people staring at my parts. i liked the whole wearing-his-sweater thing. it felt very couply.
when we got back to his t.p. i had to go because i had to go home and watch HEROES. he was eating but when he i told him i was leaving, he puts it down and tells me he's going to walk me to my car. it's weird because we walked and just randomly glanced at each other and smiled with that knowing look, like we both had a secret. i LOVE when he says my name. we hug and he kisses me. we looked at each other and asked if we had bad breath. he started walking away and told me he'd see me tomorrow. i go into my car with a smile. dago? dago who?
so then i get home and my throat is scratchy. i take some nyquil and i never realized how WELL that thing works. towards the end of HEROES, i was ready to pass out. dago said he was going to visit me and sneak into my room but i guess he had a work outing or something. so i just fell asleep. i get a call from him at 2 something in the morning and he's drunk. he asks if he can still come over and what could i say but yes. i asked him why he wanted to come over and he said "to sleep." he comes and he looks SO gorgeous. his cheeks were red from the alcohol. i helped him out of his clothes like it was the most natural thing in the world and snuggle under the covers. he starts kissing me and wants to do it. he even manages to get my underwear off. i stand my ground about not doing it. after he tells me he's glad we didn't do it. i ask him how long i should wait. "a month. 2 years and i'll be in love with you." uh... two effin years?! NO FREAKIN' WAY! he is TOO DAMN good-looking to pass up. but i want to hold for a month just... for me.
so we go to bed. he asked to use the restroom in the morning and thank goodness no one was home because he was throwing up in there for a good 15 minutes. when he got out, i got him some advil and water. we watch an episode of family guy but he was falling asleep. so i turn it off and he goes back to sleep. i take a shower and get ready. he wakes up and we play video games. he gets frustrated because i keep winning. he says he's very competitive so he wouldn't stop playing until he won. after that i had to get ready for work. i lay down for a bit and we start kissing. then we get into the whole "he wants to have sex" thing. i know i shouldn't listen but i want him too. he aked me if i had a condom and i told him where it was. i don't know WHY! it just came out! so then he takes one out and opens it. when i see that, i suddenly felt guilty. i remember finding it rude when i THOUGHT anthony used one of the condoms i bought with other people. now i was guilty of the very thing i was upset about. he puts it on and i felt it would be wasted if we didn't use it. it's weird because he kind of forces my legs open and pushes it in me. in any other circumstance, i would consider that scary but right when i felt it, OMG it was the sh*t!!! he is INCREDIBLE in bed.
random comparison:
♥ anthony is a killer kisser.
♠ dago is a mediocre make-out partner.
♥ anthony is usually a boring, but tender lover.
♠ dago is a passionate, rough, and amazing sexual partner.
anyway, when we are done the guilt settles in more deeply than i ever would have imagined. OMG! now i was screwing 2 guys that i really liked so now i was betraying 2 guys i really liked. i need to stop. i need to put a stop to one of them... but who? i like the possibility of dago. he is the type my family would like and who i could introduce to my friends. anthony is the type i enjoy just being next to him. my relationship with him is more relaxed and natural, but dago its more official and very structured. i don't know how to explain it. i feel bad that i had sex with him but it was SO great it's hard to regret. the only thing is that anthony called me while i was getting dressed and i just felt like crap. i hated missing his phone call.
now i am going to watch a comedy show with anthony and dago wants to come over after. of course neither of them know about the fact that i am in the company of the other. i suck. my heart can't even stay happy about either of these boys because it's too busy feeling guilty about it.
last night i stopped over the t.p. with gifts for him and his friends. i guess i was in SUCH a good mood with my cute outfit and then him treating me like his new girlfriend or something. his friend henry was a little upset the night before because we were pretty loud having sex and then after we LOVE to just talk and talk. in dead silence, whispers sound freakin loud. so he was sleeping and he HAD his headphones on but i guess his music stopped and all he could hear was us. so i bought him earplugs for an I'm-sorry present and he said i was awesome and forgave me. his other friend izzy got hot cheetos since he always asks for it whenever someone goes into a store and then my anthony got a mint chapstick and a 12 pack of condoms. he was very happy with that. his friends were all saying that they "like jojo."
while i sat there, they teased him about changing his status on myspace to "in a relationship." and then henry was like, "no it should be 'married.'" i was mortified but he didn't say anything. he just sat there and smiled. i looked at him like "help me" and he just smiled a little embarassed. had he told his friends about being in a HALF RELATIONSHIP with me? then he asked if i wanted to go with him to hunt for ceviche. so i went along for the ride. before going into the restaurant, he offered me his sweater because he said people were going to stare at my "bajongas." it's funny how he's always so worried and paranoid about that- people staring at my parts. i liked the whole wearing-his-sweater thing. it felt very couply.
when we got back to his t.p. i had to go because i had to go home and watch HEROES. he was eating but when he i told him i was leaving, he puts it down and tells me he's going to walk me to my car. it's weird because we walked and just randomly glanced at each other and smiled with that knowing look, like we both had a secret. i LOVE when he says my name. we hug and he kisses me. we looked at each other and asked if we had bad breath. he started walking away and told me he'd see me tomorrow. i go into my car with a smile. dago? dago who?
so then i get home and my throat is scratchy. i take some nyquil and i never realized how WELL that thing works. towards the end of HEROES, i was ready to pass out. dago said he was going to visit me and sneak into my room but i guess he had a work outing or something. so i just fell asleep. i get a call from him at 2 something in the morning and he's drunk. he asks if he can still come over and what could i say but yes. i asked him why he wanted to come over and he said "to sleep." he comes and he looks SO gorgeous. his cheeks were red from the alcohol. i helped him out of his clothes like it was the most natural thing in the world and snuggle under the covers. he starts kissing me and wants to do it. he even manages to get my underwear off. i stand my ground about not doing it. after he tells me he's glad we didn't do it. i ask him how long i should wait. "a month. 2 years and i'll be in love with you." uh... two effin years?! NO FREAKIN' WAY! he is TOO DAMN good-looking to pass up. but i want to hold for a month just... for me.
so we go to bed. he asked to use the restroom in the morning and thank goodness no one was home because he was throwing up in there for a good 15 minutes. when he got out, i got him some advil and water. we watch an episode of family guy but he was falling asleep. so i turn it off and he goes back to sleep. i take a shower and get ready. he wakes up and we play video games. he gets frustrated because i keep winning. he says he's very competitive so he wouldn't stop playing until he won. after that i had to get ready for work. i lay down for a bit and we start kissing. then we get into the whole "he wants to have sex" thing. i know i shouldn't listen but i want him too. he aked me if i had a condom and i told him where it was. i don't know WHY! it just came out! so then he takes one out and opens it. when i see that, i suddenly felt guilty. i remember finding it rude when i THOUGHT anthony used one of the condoms i bought with other people. now i was guilty of the very thing i was upset about. he puts it on and i felt it would be wasted if we didn't use it. it's weird because he kind of forces my legs open and pushes it in me. in any other circumstance, i would consider that scary but right when i felt it, OMG it was the sh*t!!! he is INCREDIBLE in bed.
random comparison:
♥ anthony is a killer kisser.
♠ dago is a mediocre make-out partner.
♥ anthony is usually a boring, but tender lover.
♠ dago is a passionate, rough, and amazing sexual partner.
anyway, when we are done the guilt settles in more deeply than i ever would have imagined. OMG! now i was screwing 2 guys that i really liked so now i was betraying 2 guys i really liked. i need to stop. i need to put a stop to one of them... but who? i like the possibility of dago. he is the type my family would like and who i could introduce to my friends. anthony is the type i enjoy just being next to him. my relationship with him is more relaxed and natural, but dago its more official and very structured. i don't know how to explain it. i feel bad that i had sex with him but it was SO great it's hard to regret. the only thing is that anthony called me while i was getting dressed and i just felt like crap. i hated missing his phone call.
now i am going to watch a comedy show with anthony and dago wants to come over after. of course neither of them know about the fact that i am in the company of the other. i suck. my heart can't even stay happy about either of these boys because it's too busy feeling guilty about it.
this heart of mine was broken at 4:24:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, December 04, 2006
new and improved anthony
Dear heart,
how great are conversations with him now! we're actually flirty and stuff over the phone and i feel comfortable calling him whenever rather than trying to give myself these rules and limits on how often i should be talking to this guy. then one of the times i call him, he asked me if i wanted to talk. i was confused. about what? he's like "about your day." so i just started talking about it and asked him about his. the weird thing is that he told me before that he HATES talking on the phone. like he said just tell him what you need to say or what he needs to know and then hang up. but he actually wanted to TALK! it kinda gave me a momentary shock that i had to recover from. but we just talked for a bit. he was really interested in hearing about my day, but then he is always a good listener about EVERYthing that i say. i really like that about him.
dago was kinda pissing me off because he decided to go into work on his day off. uh, i'm sorry i'm not INTO that workaholic crap! when michael was a sales person for L.A. Fitness and i'm sorry, the whole work priority over you thing was SO not worth it. i need attention and i need someone reliable. he says sometimes he has to get off at 10 and ends up leaving work at 12. uh... i'm not into that. i'd go crazy from my already present trust issues. maybe i need to try to suck it up but really- unanswered phone calls piss me off. anthony always answers his phone. dago might be "at work" but i get all suspicious. is he hitting on someone like when he hit on me? DAMN! look at me. already acting crazy with dago. i'm over acting crazy with anthony. things with him are chill and perfect right now. gosh.
i really have more confidence in this relationship. his newfound niceness and almost boyfriend-like qualities have given me some power to just ask and say things that i want. i told him that i wanted to come over after work just to show him my outfit and make out with him, but that i couldn't stay long. usually i would ask him if he wanted to and have so much internal conflict if i should ask him or not, and if that was looking too attached. now i have booked him for tomorrow and friday for comedy shows. that's like future planning. that's what people in "HALF RELATIONSHIPS" do. haha! i love how things are with him. who knew... who knew!
how great are conversations with him now! we're actually flirty and stuff over the phone and i feel comfortable calling him whenever rather than trying to give myself these rules and limits on how often i should be talking to this guy. then one of the times i call him, he asked me if i wanted to talk. i was confused. about what? he's like "about your day." so i just started talking about it and asked him about his. the weird thing is that he told me before that he HATES talking on the phone. like he said just tell him what you need to say or what he needs to know and then hang up. but he actually wanted to TALK! it kinda gave me a momentary shock that i had to recover from. but we just talked for a bit. he was really interested in hearing about my day, but then he is always a good listener about EVERYthing that i say. i really like that about him.
dago was kinda pissing me off because he decided to go into work on his day off. uh, i'm sorry i'm not INTO that workaholic crap! when michael was a sales person for L.A. Fitness and i'm sorry, the whole work priority over you thing was SO not worth it. i need attention and i need someone reliable. he says sometimes he has to get off at 10 and ends up leaving work at 12. uh... i'm not into that. i'd go crazy from my already present trust issues. maybe i need to try to suck it up but really- unanswered phone calls piss me off. anthony always answers his phone. dago might be "at work" but i get all suspicious. is he hitting on someone like when he hit on me? DAMN! look at me. already acting crazy with dago. i'm over acting crazy with anthony. things with him are chill and perfect right now. gosh.
i really have more confidence in this relationship. his newfound niceness and almost boyfriend-like qualities have given me some power to just ask and say things that i want. i told him that i wanted to come over after work just to show him my outfit and make out with him, but that i couldn't stay long. usually i would ask him if he wanted to and have so much internal conflict if i should ask him or not, and if that was looking too attached. now i have booked him for tomorrow and friday for comedy shows. that's like future planning. that's what people in "HALF RELATIONSHIPS" do. haha! i love how things are with him. who knew... who knew!
this heart of mine was broken at 3:08:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart