Thursday, April 02, 2009
sample letter to my lover's baby momma
Dear her,
I don't even know how to start this letter, because I realize that we don't know each other very well. I am not writing this letter trying to be your best friend though I hope we both start to gain some insight into each other. I would just like to let you know that I'm not a bad person and I really care about James. He misses Avery so much. He talks about her all the time. I know he hasn't called. The way you guys wait for his call, he does the same thing. I hate the excuse that he's not calling because you guys haven't called either or that you guys don't want him to call because he hasn't heard from you. He likes to feel wanted which is probably the main reason why he is so disheartened that Avery doesn't call him before she goes to bed the way she used to. I am certainly not excusing his absence nor do I approve of it at all. I think both parites need to make the effort to get in contact with the other.
Every little girl needs her daddy. I know that. I think what James is most scared of is the fact that one day you and I are going to have to meet and either judge each other, talk crap about each other, or just create this uncomfortable moment. I'm not a bitch; I'm actually very nice. Even if you were hostile to me when we met, I wouldn't go off or act crazy. I think we are both adults and can be civil. James is always full of excuses and loves to procrastinate. In this case, he is procrastinating the inevitable awkward moment of all four of us together. I think it would be easier if he knew we weren't going to battle it out or make some tense silent moment in front of Avery.
I know we're not necessarily going to like each other at first but I would like to talk you in person just so we can get that out of the way and actually see each other as actual people rather than the idea of "the other woman." Maybe we can go have lunch or something while James hangs out with Avery. Just writing that is already freaking me out but you know what, I am willing to try. It may be weird at first but if we get used to the idea of the other person, maybe we won't be so against it. I'm going to be around for a long time. You and I are going to be involved in each other's lives somehow so we might as well try to get along. Even if we don't like each other, I think we should all try to tolerate each other for Avery sake. So James won't have an excuse to postpone seeing the daughter that he misses and Avery can spend time with the father that she needs.
Because James' car is a piece of crap, he can't really drive far distances. I tell him that I'm willing to drive wherever he has to meet up with Avery. He's told me that you'd most likely be against anyone you don't know to drive your daughter around. I want you to get to know me so James and I can pick her up instead of inconveniencing you to drop her off. I'm sure James and wants alone time with Avery and I'm willing to drop them off somewhere too. We can make it an every other week thing so Avery can see her Dad more often. How do Sundays look for you guys?
I know this is out of nowhere but I want James to be happy. I know he is when he sees or talks to Avery. His face lights up. Unfortunately, he tends to avoid situations and confrontations. Maybe by you and me working together, something can change. Besides, what I've heard from Shirley and James, we are apparantly a lot alike. Based on what I've read from your facebook, I hate to admit that they are probably more right than they realize. In an alternate universe I think we could be really good friends. Perhaps by some miracle, we can be something close to that in this one.
Feel free to message me back or call me. James lost his phone last week so I wouldn't mind if you or Avery called looking for him.
(instert number here)
Sincerely,
Me
P.S.
We still have Avery's Christmas present. Maybe we can give that to her soon?
I don't even know how to start this letter, because I realize that we don't know each other very well. I am not writing this letter trying to be your best friend though I hope we both start to gain some insight into each other. I would just like to let you know that I'm not a bad person and I really care about James. He misses Avery so much. He talks about her all the time. I know he hasn't called. The way you guys wait for his call, he does the same thing. I hate the excuse that he's not calling because you guys haven't called either or that you guys don't want him to call because he hasn't heard from you. He likes to feel wanted which is probably the main reason why he is so disheartened that Avery doesn't call him before she goes to bed the way she used to. I am certainly not excusing his absence nor do I approve of it at all. I think both parites need to make the effort to get in contact with the other.
Every little girl needs her daddy. I know that. I think what James is most scared of is the fact that one day you and I are going to have to meet and either judge each other, talk crap about each other, or just create this uncomfortable moment. I'm not a bitch; I'm actually very nice. Even if you were hostile to me when we met, I wouldn't go off or act crazy. I think we are both adults and can be civil. James is always full of excuses and loves to procrastinate. In this case, he is procrastinating the inevitable awkward moment of all four of us together. I think it would be easier if he knew we weren't going to battle it out or make some tense silent moment in front of Avery.
I know we're not necessarily going to like each other at first but I would like to talk you in person just so we can get that out of the way and actually see each other as actual people rather than the idea of "the other woman." Maybe we can go have lunch or something while James hangs out with Avery. Just writing that is already freaking me out but you know what, I am willing to try. It may be weird at first but if we get used to the idea of the other person, maybe we won't be so against it. I'm going to be around for a long time. You and I are going to be involved in each other's lives somehow so we might as well try to get along. Even if we don't like each other, I think we should all try to tolerate each other for Avery sake. So James won't have an excuse to postpone seeing the daughter that he misses and Avery can spend time with the father that she needs.
Because James' car is a piece of crap, he can't really drive far distances. I tell him that I'm willing to drive wherever he has to meet up with Avery. He's told me that you'd most likely be against anyone you don't know to drive your daughter around. I want you to get to know me so James and I can pick her up instead of inconveniencing you to drop her off. I'm sure James and wants alone time with Avery and I'm willing to drop them off somewhere too. We can make it an every other week thing so Avery can see her Dad more often. How do Sundays look for you guys?
I know this is out of nowhere but I want James to be happy. I know he is when he sees or talks to Avery. His face lights up. Unfortunately, he tends to avoid situations and confrontations. Maybe by you and me working together, something can change. Besides, what I've heard from Shirley and James, we are apparantly a lot alike. Based on what I've read from your facebook, I hate to admit that they are probably more right than they realize. In an alternate universe I think we could be really good friends. Perhaps by some miracle, we can be something close to that in this one.
Feel free to message me back or call me. James lost his phone last week so I wouldn't mind if you or Avery called looking for him.
(instert number here)
Sincerely,
Me
P.S.
We still have Avery's Christmas present. Maybe we can give that to her soon?
this heart of mine was broken at 11:20:00 AM
27 people tried to mend this shattered heart
27 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, October 06, 2008
to a non-specific boy- personal monologue
Dear heart,
look i'm really sorry about lying to you, cheating on you, ignoring your calls, avoiding you in public, rolling my eyes when you told me how you felt about me, blah blah blah... all that crap i put you through. you were the last person i ever wanted to hurt. you're a really good person and you don't deserve how i treated you but... you let me. you know i still love you, baby.
ok i'm lying again. my bad! maybe i'm not really that sorry. do you realize how irritating you became the moment we got together?! all you wanted to do was use up all my free time! i mean, i liked hanging out with you in the beginning but then you made it feel like being with you was a CHORE! i can't stand needy people and that's what you became! i AM sorry you found out the way you did but i just didn't want to hear your whining anymore. i'm sorry i called you a bitch when you cried all those times but after the third time seeing you cry in a week, YEAH, it got old. i was heartless, i know, but at least i wasn't a fucking little girl about it. i'm sorry you're not the one for me and i'm sorry i was too chicken-shit to let you know. here's a piece of advice from someone who has some experience in... well, you: grow some balls and get a life. maybe you'll meet someone who won't walk all over you after all.
look i'm really sorry about lying to you, cheating on you, ignoring your calls, avoiding you in public, rolling my eyes when you told me how you felt about me, blah blah blah... all that crap i put you through. you were the last person i ever wanted to hurt. you're a really good person and you don't deserve how i treated you but... you let me. you know i still love you, baby.
ok i'm lying again. my bad! maybe i'm not really that sorry. do you realize how irritating you became the moment we got together?! all you wanted to do was use up all my free time! i mean, i liked hanging out with you in the beginning but then you made it feel like being with you was a CHORE! i can't stand needy people and that's what you became! i AM sorry you found out the way you did but i just didn't want to hear your whining anymore. i'm sorry i called you a bitch when you cried all those times but after the third time seeing you cry in a week, YEAH, it got old. i was heartless, i know, but at least i wasn't a fucking little girl about it. i'm sorry you're not the one for me and i'm sorry i was too chicken-shit to let you know. here's a piece of advice from someone who has some experience in... well, you: grow some balls and get a life. maybe you'll meet someone who won't walk all over you after all.
this heart of mine was broken at 5:47:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, August 29, 2008
work irony
Dear heart,
i guess i stopped going to work because i felt unappreciated. made up some crap about depression and all these excuses to not go.
today i found out i got an award for volunteer development. hah! ironic how i'm gone and i actually got recognized out of my whole effin branch.
i guess i stopped going to work because i felt unappreciated. made up some crap about depression and all these excuses to not go.
today i found out i got an award for volunteer development. hah! ironic how i'm gone and i actually got recognized out of my whole effin branch.
this heart of mine was broken at 4:09:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, August 28, 2008
because i noticed
Dear heart,
james would kill me for noticing this crap but...
the office comparisons:
1. jim was compared to larry bird in episode 5, season 1 in the b-ball game. dan's nickname is bird with refernce to larry bird.
2. jim was nicknamed "big tuna" by andy. dan eats tuna every day and loves it.
3. roy and pam are engaged and have been for a LONG time. james and i are engaged and i feel will be for a long time.
4. roy works in a warehouse, im and pam work in the office. james works in a warehouse, dan and i work at an office.
5. dan and jim play basketball similarly and are tall and lanky.
6. roy and jim played basketball against each other. james and dan did as well. there is a hint of rivalry in their demeanor.
james would kill me for noticing this crap but...
the office comparisons:
1. jim was compared to larry bird in episode 5, season 1 in the b-ball game. dan's nickname is bird with refernce to larry bird.
2. jim was nicknamed "big tuna" by andy. dan eats tuna every day and loves it.
3. roy and pam are engaged and have been for a LONG time. james and i are engaged and i feel will be for a long time.
4. roy works in a warehouse, im and pam work in the office. james works in a warehouse, dan and i work at an office.
5. dan and jim play basketball similarly and are tall and lanky.
6. roy and jim played basketball against each other. james and dan did as well. there is a hint of rivalry in their demeanor.
this heart of mine was broken at 6:36:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, August 22, 2008
MIA
Dear heart,
it's been months since i've written you. nothing is going right anymore. i don't have a job, i failed all my classes last semester, i gained all my weight back and then some, and to top it all off- i'm back at my parents house WITH james. now that would have been fine but the past few nights he's slept here, he's different. he used to hold me when we'd go to bed. now he just rolls over. i don't understand it and it hurts. i want to say something to him but i know he'll just say he's tired. i guess i've wanted to shut out all parts of my life because i knew no one would really understand what i was going through. but james seemed to. he just loved me so much. now i can't help but wonder if he's disgusted of how fat i've become and he's just faking it so he can stay here.
it's been months since i've written you. nothing is going right anymore. i don't have a job, i failed all my classes last semester, i gained all my weight back and then some, and to top it all off- i'm back at my parents house WITH james. now that would have been fine but the past few nights he's slept here, he's different. he used to hold me when we'd go to bed. now he just rolls over. i don't understand it and it hurts. i want to say something to him but i know he'll just say he's tired. i guess i've wanted to shut out all parts of my life because i knew no one would really understand what i was going through. but james seemed to. he just loved me so much. now i can't help but wonder if he's disgusted of how fat i've become and he's just faking it so he can stay here.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:43:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, April 06, 2008
realizations
Dear heart,
thursday i called him dan and i actually hurt him. he acted distant at the basketball courts.
friday he tells me officially for the first time that he missed me that day. he even confessed that he hasn't liked anyone this much in a long time. i stayed quiet but he was telling me exactly how i felt for him.
i had such a great weekend. he even bought me marvel vs. capcom the game for my ps2! that is one of those he-knows-me gifts. i love it. unfortuantely, i bought it already and happen to mention that i did. his face just fell when i told him. ugh i ruin everything!
but i'm so crazy about him and we're so damn happy. i don't know where we can go from here... and surprisingly... things are getting better every day. our feelings seem to be getting even stronger than the day before.
crazy how my love life is soaring and my other parts of my functional life are failing.
thursday i called him dan and i actually hurt him. he acted distant at the basketball courts.
friday he tells me officially for the first time that he missed me that day. he even confessed that he hasn't liked anyone this much in a long time. i stayed quiet but he was telling me exactly how i felt for him.
i had such a great weekend. he even bought me marvel vs. capcom the game for my ps2! that is one of those he-knows-me gifts. i love it. unfortuantely, i bought it already and happen to mention that i did. his face just fell when i told him. ugh i ruin everything!
but i'm so crazy about him and we're so damn happy. i don't know where we can go from here... and surprisingly... things are getting better every day. our feelings seem to be getting even stronger than the day before.
crazy how my love life is soaring and my other parts of my functional life are failing.
this heart of mine was broken at 11:43:00 PM
1 people tried to mend this shattered heart
1 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, April 04, 2008
why i can't say i love you
Dear heart,
I can't tell you that I love you.
I'd rather assure you that if you ever needed any part of me- I'm yours.
If you need a hand for help or just to hold for comfort, the palms of my hands have reservations for you.
If you need a shoulder to cry on or just to sleep on when you're tired, you're welcome to warm the cold shoulder i offer everyone else.
I want you to know that I would never leave your side or let go of your hand... unless you asked me to. That, in in spite of my short attention span, I'm willing to promise my company until you tire of it.
I won't tell you that I love you.
I've told too many people that and it meant nothing while you mean everything.
This is not love.
I know this because I've been in love before and this is much more than that.
I can't love you because my love is fickle and I'm always ready to share it with someone else.
Except with you- I don't want to share this with anyone else but the only person who makes me feel this way.
I know nothing out there comes mildly close to this. I am completely and utterly satisfied with you and it would be ridiculious and pointless to even consider anyone else.
Love used to be planning for the future of a church wedding, 2.5 kids. and a white picket fence.
But this isn't like that at all.
I just plan to be with you and going through my days enjoying you because it seems to be more productive when we are. Any given situation becomes more enjoyable 10-fold when you are a part of it.
Each day of the past 6 months has felt like the first date, the first kiss, the first realization that you might really like somebody... but with growing awareness and acceptance of the other person.
This can't be love.
I've honestly never felt this way about anyone.
This is better than love.
I can't even compare this (what we have) to love because love hurts, and our situation is not about that at all.
This has been the farthest from hurt I have ever been.
No one-upping each other on who can hurt the other more, no worry, no playing frustrating mind games.
I'm not scared that you'd hurt me even though I know you could do the most damage.
I feel like we're in this to not only making ourselves happy by being in the complany of the other person but making sure the other person is happy.
I constantly plot your happiness where knowing you're smiling will get me through any bad day.
This selflessness usually doesn't come with the love business.
Love is more of a reassurance, a justification, an apology to hurt someone: "I know I messed up but I love you so forgive me! Love is all about forgiveness."
There's no need for that Get-Out-Of-Jail Card with us when it's all about Passing Go and Collecting $200!
I have to admit that sometimes I feel weak and I want to tell you that I love you.
But I can't ad won't.
I refuse to ruin what we have with that 4-letter word!
I'm scared that if I say it- it would break the spell of this amazing thing that going on between us.
I'm just too freaking ecstatic that I found someone like you.
In a small amount of time, I feel like I know you.
There are no words to describe how i feel about you or what it is we have here, espeically NOT with the word "love."
I wish there was something I could say to you to express how much you mean to me.
But all I have are the hundreds of words in this letter and I still feel like it's not enough.
I hope this explains part of my heart that I am giving to you.
I can't tell you that I love you.
I'd rather assure you that if you ever needed any part of me- I'm yours.
If you need a hand for help or just to hold for comfort, the palms of my hands have reservations for you.
If you need a shoulder to cry on or just to sleep on when you're tired, you're welcome to warm the cold shoulder i offer everyone else.
I want you to know that I would never leave your side or let go of your hand... unless you asked me to. That, in in spite of my short attention span, I'm willing to promise my company until you tire of it.
I won't tell you that I love you.
I've told too many people that and it meant nothing while you mean everything.
This is not love.
I know this because I've been in love before and this is much more than that.
I can't love you because my love is fickle and I'm always ready to share it with someone else.
Except with you- I don't want to share this with anyone else but the only person who makes me feel this way.
I know nothing out there comes mildly close to this. I am completely and utterly satisfied with you and it would be ridiculious and pointless to even consider anyone else.
Love used to be planning for the future of a church wedding, 2.5 kids. and a white picket fence.
But this isn't like that at all.
I just plan to be with you and going through my days enjoying you because it seems to be more productive when we are. Any given situation becomes more enjoyable 10-fold when you are a part of it.
Each day of the past 6 months has felt like the first date, the first kiss, the first realization that you might really like somebody... but with growing awareness and acceptance of the other person.
This can't be love.
I've honestly never felt this way about anyone.
This is better than love.
I can't even compare this (what we have) to love because love hurts, and our situation is not about that at all.
This has been the farthest from hurt I have ever been.
No one-upping each other on who can hurt the other more, no worry, no playing frustrating mind games.
I'm not scared that you'd hurt me even though I know you could do the most damage.
I feel like we're in this to not only making ourselves happy by being in the complany of the other person but making sure the other person is happy.
I constantly plot your happiness where knowing you're smiling will get me through any bad day.
This selflessness usually doesn't come with the love business.
Love is more of a reassurance, a justification, an apology to hurt someone: "I know I messed up but I love you so forgive me! Love is all about forgiveness."
There's no need for that Get-Out-Of-Jail Card with us when it's all about Passing Go and Collecting $200!
I have to admit that sometimes I feel weak and I want to tell you that I love you.
But I can't ad won't.
I refuse to ruin what we have with that 4-letter word!
I'm scared that if I say it- it would break the spell of this amazing thing that going on between us.
I'm just too freaking ecstatic that I found someone like you.
In a small amount of time, I feel like I know you.
There are no words to describe how i feel about you or what it is we have here, espeically NOT with the word "love."
I wish there was something I could say to you to express how much you mean to me.
But all I have are the hundreds of words in this letter and I still feel like it's not enough.
I hope this explains part of my heart that I am giving to you.
this heart of mine was broken at 10:40:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, April 03, 2008
this will be quick
Dear heart,
he's buying me chucks. i am probably deeply in love with him and i wish there was some way i could admit that to him and openly to myself. oh well, 10 orgasms last night!
he's buying me chucks. i am probably deeply in love with him and i wish there was some way i could admit that to him and openly to myself. oh well, 10 orgasms last night!
this heart of mine was broken at 1:24:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
we could be in love
Dear heart,
things said/done to clue me in:
- i am the greatest because i take care of him. (he can't say when because "he can't talk.")
- his mom's friend said his gf was nice and made him happy
- feeds me chocolate, gets my drink, and caters to my every whim before i even have a cnance to ask for it
- told me he'd write me a letter that he hasn't written since high school. he said i'd be there next to him because i was his inspiration.
- he said he had a long day because he wasn't hanging out with me
- he tells me he was thinking of me today
- is worried that 6 months is coming up
- never wants me to leave when i am laying next to him
- hugs me right under his chin, near his armpit, on his shoulder... my favorite place to be
- likes to fix my hair
- asked if i missed him when i was in san francisco
- told me he had a dream about me: secret nightmare and our road trip
- tries to look cute for me
- thinks its cool i can hang out with his mom when only 2 of his best friends can do it
- thinks i'm so sweet for buying his family souveniers (even his daughter)
- likes when i call him dq or call him out when he's being dramatic
- when i say james, he thinks i'm gonna tell him it's over
- picks me flowers (recently got me a rose)
- calls me cuteness, or just tender petnames that he uses for his daughter too
- my fortune cookie said: "You don't need to search forever, happiness is sitting right next to you." while we were in my parents bed together
- he knows the faces i make like when i sing the whatever song, i bop my head and pucker my lips
- scared of 6 months: "so i guess i shouldn't look forward to surfing this summer."
things said/done to clue me in:
- i am the greatest because i take care of him. (he can't say when because "he can't talk.")
- his mom's friend said his gf was nice and made him happy
- feeds me chocolate, gets my drink, and caters to my every whim before i even have a cnance to ask for it
- told me he'd write me a letter that he hasn't written since high school. he said i'd be there next to him because i was his inspiration.
- he said he had a long day because he wasn't hanging out with me
- he tells me he was thinking of me today
- is worried that 6 months is coming up
- never wants me to leave when i am laying next to him
- hugs me right under his chin, near his armpit, on his shoulder... my favorite place to be
- likes to fix my hair
- asked if i missed him when i was in san francisco
- told me he had a dream about me: secret nightmare and our road trip
- tries to look cute for me
- thinks its cool i can hang out with his mom when only 2 of his best friends can do it
- thinks i'm so sweet for buying his family souveniers (even his daughter)
- likes when i call him dq or call him out when he's being dramatic
- when i say james, he thinks i'm gonna tell him it's over
- picks me flowers (recently got me a rose)
- calls me cuteness, or just tender petnames that he uses for his daughter too
- my fortune cookie said: "You don't need to search forever, happiness is sitting right next to you." while we were in my parents bed together
- he knows the faces i make like when i sing the whatever song, i bop my head and pucker my lips
- scared of 6 months: "so i guess i shouldn't look forward to surfing this summer."
this heart of mine was broken at 4:52:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, March 22, 2008
mental picture
Dear heart,
i thought he was going to smack me or try to bug me but he took me in his arms and told me to take a mental picture of the yellow moon because it lasted longer. he said he would remember what i was wearing, what everything looked like, etc. i was trying hard not to show how severely my heart was melting. i kept questioning about forgetting to remember.
i thought he was going to smack me or try to bug me but he took me in his arms and told me to take a mental picture of the yellow moon because it lasted longer. he said he would remember what i was wearing, what everything looked like, etc. i was trying hard not to show how severely my heart was melting. i kept questioning about forgetting to remember.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:20:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, March 21, 2008
being good is not so bad
Dear heart,
i genuinely like not hiding something from someone i'm dating. i like the absence of secrets and doubts about each other. i like that the only cheating happens in my nightmares. i like that i can say no to things now or at least avoid situations where i might not be able to say so. i like that we aren't hurting each other or trying to one up on how sad we can make the other person. i like that the time we spend together is filled with laughter, smiles, jokes, and affection instead of mean words, suspicion, paranoia, and tension that you can cut with a knife.
i don't ever want to ruin this. i was watching that episode in sex and the city where aidan is treating carrie like crap cuz he can't forgive her. i never want james to have to forgive me about something. i'm sure i will make mistakes or say something wrong one of these days but it never want it to be to that point where it hurts him like that. i am so happy with him. i don't think i've ever been so happy, or satisfied, or content in any relationship ever. i don't have much to complain about. it's like i finally found the balance: attractive, not a cheater, i can be good to, keeps me entertained, someone who makes my heart skip a beat, and someone who feels almost similarly (maybe).
i'm just so afraid to lose this because its so unbelievable that i can actually feel this way again about someone and not freak out. i'm being really cool about this whole thing. i'm not rushing the "what are we?" question, i'm not being all jealous or possessive, i don't even or won't trip out if he has other plans besides me because i know they are valid and it does not involve screwing someone else. i told him about my nightmare about this girl at a cruise and he said "you know i'd never do that..." and then i think he tries to save himself by adding "... without inviting you."
i wonder if he feels slightly offended that i refer to him as my friend. i know he refers to me as "joanne" which has the hidden assumption that they damn better know who the heck i am. his friends call me "the chick" which i kind of like because "the" is a direct article used for pointing out. i am THE chick, not A chick, or SOME chick. THE chick! i'm into it.
in conclusion, being faithful and not devious and not cheating is not so bad, especially when i know the guy deserves it. i honestly just want to make him happy. that's it. it sounds cheezy but his happinessn is my happiness and somehow i sense that he feels the same way and that's why this whole whatever-it-is works.
i genuinely like not hiding something from someone i'm dating. i like the absence of secrets and doubts about each other. i like that the only cheating happens in my nightmares. i like that i can say no to things now or at least avoid situations where i might not be able to say so. i like that we aren't hurting each other or trying to one up on how sad we can make the other person. i like that the time we spend together is filled with laughter, smiles, jokes, and affection instead of mean words, suspicion, paranoia, and tension that you can cut with a knife.
i don't ever want to ruin this. i was watching that episode in sex and the city where aidan is treating carrie like crap cuz he can't forgive her. i never want james to have to forgive me about something. i'm sure i will make mistakes or say something wrong one of these days but it never want it to be to that point where it hurts him like that. i am so happy with him. i don't think i've ever been so happy, or satisfied, or content in any relationship ever. i don't have much to complain about. it's like i finally found the balance: attractive, not a cheater, i can be good to, keeps me entertained, someone who makes my heart skip a beat, and someone who feels almost similarly (maybe).
i'm just so afraid to lose this because its so unbelievable that i can actually feel this way again about someone and not freak out. i'm being really cool about this whole thing. i'm not rushing the "what are we?" question, i'm not being all jealous or possessive, i don't even or won't trip out if he has other plans besides me because i know they are valid and it does not involve screwing someone else. i told him about my nightmare about this girl at a cruise and he said "you know i'd never do that..." and then i think he tries to save himself by adding "... without inviting you."
i wonder if he feels slightly offended that i refer to him as my friend. i know he refers to me as "joanne" which has the hidden assumption that they damn better know who the heck i am. his friends call me "the chick" which i kind of like because "the" is a direct article used for pointing out. i am THE chick, not A chick, or SOME chick. THE chick! i'm into it.
in conclusion, being faithful and not devious and not cheating is not so bad, especially when i know the guy deserves it. i honestly just want to make him happy. that's it. it sounds cheezy but his happinessn is my happiness and somehow i sense that he feels the same way and that's why this whole whatever-it-is works.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:26:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, March 16, 2008
highlights to remember
Dear heart,
- he said i looked really cute (when i bowl) and asked if he could take pictures of me as i bowled
- he comes up to me and tells me, "hey beautiful" when coming back from bowling a ball
- while eating del taco, he looks at me and says, "you're so pretty" while holding my face into a kiss.
- i want to be amazing at something and then he said that i was amazing. he tells me i'm amazing at being joanne.
- his friend clay calls me "the chick." he tells james he wants to bang me once me and james "break up." oooh! does that tick james off!
- he said i looked really cute (when i bowl) and asked if he could take pictures of me as i bowled
- he comes up to me and tells me, "hey beautiful" when coming back from bowling a ball
- while eating del taco, he looks at me and says, "you're so pretty" while holding my face into a kiss.
- i want to be amazing at something and then he said that i was amazing. he tells me i'm amazing at being joanne.
- his friend clay calls me "the chick." he tells james he wants to bang me once me and james "break up." oooh! does that tick james off!
this heart of mine was broken at 11:50:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
the chick, a shredded hand, and a wet morning
Dear heart,
this is what my weekend consisted of.
friday night i went to james' even though he was a bit late getting there so we could go to disneyland.
this is what my weekend consisted of.
friday night i went to james' even though he was a bit late getting there so we could go to disneyland.
this heart of mine was broken at 11:36:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, March 13, 2008
i know no one cares
Dear heart,
all i have are these happy stories of james. i can't talk about it really because it seems so boring and only for my enjoyment. we watched vantage point last night. we were all comfy in the seats, we kiss before entering the theater together, he gave me a piggy back ride down the stairs, and he thought i looked nice today but forgot to tell me. i guess he had a lot of fun at the beach because he even said he doesn't really like to go to the beach if he's not surfing but according to him "that was so much fun." how cute!
so we lay there talking FOREVER in the dark. we kiss this amazing kiss and it didn't matter i was on my period. i tried to leave but he lured me back to bed by making a little spot for me to lay. when i'm in his arms, it's so easy to knock out. he always has a tough time falling asleep so he drinks or smokes before bed but when he doesn't need to when i'm there. i'm just so comfortable when he's next to me.
we make plans for the weekend. i tell him to keep me company cuz antoinette is mad at me right now and my parents are going away for the weekend. we plan to cook for each other. i think we decide i make indian food for lunch and he's doing something fancy for dinner. i can't wait! i asked if he wanted to go to disneyland this friday cuz our pass closes for the next 2 weeks. i told him he could see tinkerbell, i can beat him at buzz lightyear, and we can kiss under the fireworks. the last one is really all i care to do.
i leave him at 4:15 this morning and he still walks me to my car. i swear i never knew i could be this happy and satisfied by a person before.
all i have are these happy stories of james. i can't talk about it really because it seems so boring and only for my enjoyment. we watched vantage point last night. we were all comfy in the seats, we kiss before entering the theater together, he gave me a piggy back ride down the stairs, and he thought i looked nice today but forgot to tell me. i guess he had a lot of fun at the beach because he even said he doesn't really like to go to the beach if he's not surfing but according to him "that was so much fun." how cute!
so we lay there talking FOREVER in the dark. we kiss this amazing kiss and it didn't matter i was on my period. i tried to leave but he lured me back to bed by making a little spot for me to lay. when i'm in his arms, it's so easy to knock out. he always has a tough time falling asleep so he drinks or smokes before bed but when he doesn't need to when i'm there. i'm just so comfortable when he's next to me.
we make plans for the weekend. i tell him to keep me company cuz antoinette is mad at me right now and my parents are going away for the weekend. we plan to cook for each other. i think we decide i make indian food for lunch and he's doing something fancy for dinner. i can't wait! i asked if he wanted to go to disneyland this friday cuz our pass closes for the next 2 weeks. i told him he could see tinkerbell, i can beat him at buzz lightyear, and we can kiss under the fireworks. the last one is really all i care to do.
i leave him at 4:15 this morning and he still walks me to my car. i swear i never knew i could be this happy and satisfied by a person before.
this heart of mine was broken at 8:22:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
wanna know a secret?
Dear heart,
"you're the sweetest guy i've ever met."
- jenna from 13 going on 30
he really is. he wanted to play basketball today. while he went downstairs to get me some porkchops before we leave, i pretend to fall asleep. i like to do that for some reason. when he comes back in, he's being really quiet and i wonder why he hasn't woken me to get up yet. suddenly i feel him taking off my shoes, trying to move my legs to the bed and when i refused that, he carries me to the pillows and gives me the blanket. i pretended i didn't know what he was doing but that was the sweetest thing to do. i wasn't even awake to acknowledge his good deed and he still did it anyway. just the way he always leans over to kiss me, i love it.
we went to the beach today and i was kinda jealous when he was staring at some chick bend over. we wrestled which was fun and he held me upside down. then we spent the rest of the time laying out as he lay over me and we talked. we love to do that. we walked on the beach too but the water was cold so he refused to go in. we were walking to the bathroom and he said something like "i don't know if we're both dorks or i'm cool but i like dorks." it was funny. i pretend like i was shocked by his comment and tried to attack him prostesting that i, in fact, was the cool one.
he misses his daughter and i wish i could help him in some way so he doesn't hafto without leaving me out of the picture. daughter-time means no-joanne-time. like i want him to see her but that would mean his absence in my life. no long talks, no kisses, no sweet words, no holding him, no him. i'm selfish.
"you're the sweetest guy i've ever met."
- jenna from 13 going on 30
he really is. he wanted to play basketball today. while he went downstairs to get me some porkchops before we leave, i pretend to fall asleep. i like to do that for some reason. when he comes back in, he's being really quiet and i wonder why he hasn't woken me to get up yet. suddenly i feel him taking off my shoes, trying to move my legs to the bed and when i refused that, he carries me to the pillows and gives me the blanket. i pretended i didn't know what he was doing but that was the sweetest thing to do. i wasn't even awake to acknowledge his good deed and he still did it anyway. just the way he always leans over to kiss me, i love it.
we went to the beach today and i was kinda jealous when he was staring at some chick bend over. we wrestled which was fun and he held me upside down. then we spent the rest of the time laying out as he lay over me and we talked. we love to do that. we walked on the beach too but the water was cold so he refused to go in. we were walking to the bathroom and he said something like "i don't know if we're both dorks or i'm cool but i like dorks." it was funny. i pretend like i was shocked by his comment and tried to attack him prostesting that i, in fact, was the cool one.
he misses his daughter and i wish i could help him in some way so he doesn't hafto without leaving me out of the picture. daughter-time means no-joanne-time. like i want him to see her but that would mean his absence in my life. no long talks, no kisses, no sweet words, no holding him, no him. i'm selfish.
this heart of mine was broken at 1:14:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
looking through his phone
Dear heart,
it's bad. i know. i didn't want to but the old joanne was so curious to know what was going on behind the scenes. this happened last night by the way. we went to a powwow yesterday, saw my boss les, and then went to eat at olive garden. after, we went to the block and planned to watch a movie but it didn't happen because we were both tired. i bought a love poem book james recommended and the sequel to the diary of a wimpy kid. we took some booth pictures and we look really funny. anyway we get home, try to hold off on sex until after his shower but i tease him. sex was SO good- you don't even know!
while he showers i see it sitting atop his dresser. it taunts me and calls out my name. he just got in the shower and i could hear the water. i walk over to his phone, open it and read the inbox. it had messages mostly from me but some from stacey. i got a bit weirded out that she would have a message that started with "new haircut" like who cares about you! but then i remember their daughter.
i close it and lay back down. i feel ever more guilty that i found nothing. oh wait! what about the sent messages?! i got up the nerve check again and there it was. i text to stacey "it was nice talking to you today. i miss your voice i don't know why. have a great day beautiful." blood rushed to my face. are you serious? is this michael and gloria relived? my heart fell and i felt so discouraged. i close the evil phone and lay down. i didn't even have plans to leave or to have him come into his room and find that i'm gone. none of that. just knowing i won't be able to act like nothing is wrong. and then the thought occured to me: he has talked to stacey many times over in front of me and never did he sound mildly affectionate. it was probably for his daughter who he probably texted. he talks to her like that.
then it made me feel worse that i almost acted stupid for something i wasn't supposed to be doing to a guy who deserves better than that.
it's bad. i know. i didn't want to but the old joanne was so curious to know what was going on behind the scenes. this happened last night by the way. we went to a powwow yesterday, saw my boss les, and then went to eat at olive garden. after, we went to the block and planned to watch a movie but it didn't happen because we were both tired. i bought a love poem book james recommended and the sequel to the diary of a wimpy kid. we took some booth pictures and we look really funny. anyway we get home, try to hold off on sex until after his shower but i tease him. sex was SO good- you don't even know!
while he showers i see it sitting atop his dresser. it taunts me and calls out my name. he just got in the shower and i could hear the water. i walk over to his phone, open it and read the inbox. it had messages mostly from me but some from stacey. i got a bit weirded out that she would have a message that started with "new haircut" like who cares about you! but then i remember their daughter.
i close it and lay back down. i feel ever more guilty that i found nothing. oh wait! what about the sent messages?! i got up the nerve check again and there it was. i text to stacey "it was nice talking to you today. i miss your voice i don't know why. have a great day beautiful." blood rushed to my face. are you serious? is this michael and gloria relived? my heart fell and i felt so discouraged. i close the evil phone and lay down. i didn't even have plans to leave or to have him come into his room and find that i'm gone. none of that. just knowing i won't be able to act like nothing is wrong. and then the thought occured to me: he has talked to stacey many times over in front of me and never did he sound mildly affectionate. it was probably for his daughter who he probably texted. he talks to her like that.
then it made me feel worse that i almost acted stupid for something i wasn't supposed to be doing to a guy who deserves better than that.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:59:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, March 07, 2008
oh no
Dear heart,
Dear heart,
james calls me around 8:30 in the morning, which is always a nice way to wake up, and asked if i was interested in hanging out with him and his mom tonight. i said yes and that would have been fine and dandy and all but now he's not picking up his phone. i know he does this every few months but i hope he's not doing this now...
and it turns out- he is.
i am probably over-reacting. he has probably smoked too much weed and fallen asleep. it happens. or he might have "helped" the lady who got beat up last night and as a "thank you" had sex with him and he stayed with her as a courtesy. hey, i'm creative and it's not necessarily that far from possibility. i mean, he did call me his "female friend" to her when he offered to meet her at the courtyard but he'd bring me along.
i'm trying not to trip about the whole thing. i have sent the following messages. i hope it does not scare him away into never talking to me again:
7:03 are we still hanging out with your mom? did you get the info? if not, do you still wanna do something anyway? let me know.
8:05 oh no! are we not hanging out after all? i really don't wanna stay home tonight. can you text me if this isn't going to happen so i can at least catch a movie with anty or my sis? i'd feel bad if i did something else after i said i'd go with you guys without hearing from you so let me know. it's cool if you found something else to do cuz i'll see you tomorrow. text or call me soon please
8:33 most of the time you make me so happy but sometimes you can make me sad... like now. i'll see you tomorrow? call me
i feel pathetic and sad. i should just sleep and get over this. hope i hear from him tomorrow. if not, i can always be over it.
Dear heart,
james calls me around 8:30 in the morning, which is always a nice way to wake up, and asked if i was interested in hanging out with him and his mom tonight. i said yes and that would have been fine and dandy and all but now he's not picking up his phone. i know he does this every few months but i hope he's not doing this now...
and it turns out- he is.
i am probably over-reacting. he has probably smoked too much weed and fallen asleep. it happens. or he might have "helped" the lady who got beat up last night and as a "thank you" had sex with him and he stayed with her as a courtesy. hey, i'm creative and it's not necessarily that far from possibility. i mean, he did call me his "female friend" to her when he offered to meet her at the courtyard but he'd bring me along.
i'm trying not to trip about the whole thing. i have sent the following messages. i hope it does not scare him away into never talking to me again:
7:03 are we still hanging out with your mom? did you get the info? if not, do you still wanna do something anyway? let me know.
8:05 oh no! are we not hanging out after all? i really don't wanna stay home tonight. can you text me if this isn't going to happen so i can at least catch a movie with anty or my sis? i'd feel bad if i did something else after i said i'd go with you guys without hearing from you so let me know. it's cool if you found something else to do cuz i'll see you tomorrow. text or call me soon please
8:33 most of the time you make me so happy but sometimes you can make me sad... like now. i'll see you tomorrow? call me
i feel pathetic and sad. i should just sleep and get over this. hope i hear from him tomorrow. if not, i can always be over it.
this heart of mine was broken at 7:43:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
because it's wednesday already
Dear heart,
a poem about last night:
It's easiest to slip into slumber
when any part of you is gently touching and
subtly warming my body
chilled by the breath of your half open window.
You know I am wearing
your white long sleeves, your gray sweat pants,
and my secret smile hidden underneath my closed eyes
that you uncover when you brush my hair away.
Although my temperature is climbing treetops,
I still press myself against you
starting forest fires between us
igniting tiny explosions from our fingertips.
You caress the space between my brows
so i can fall asleep and let loose
the soft, feminine snoring that you prefer
over my deep bellowing ones.
Suddenly I feel roots growing beneath me
penetrating deep into the mattress
preventing me from leaving
where I abandon any hope to act responsibly.
You clockless room hardly whispers
how late I am as time sprints to 1:30 am
leaving me behind in the dust
because I just wish for everything to stand still.
Please pry me loose from your clutches
and escort me back
to the reality I was vacationing from.
a poem about last night:
It's easiest to slip into slumber
when any part of you is gently touching and
subtly warming my body
chilled by the breath of your half open window.
You know I am wearing
your white long sleeves, your gray sweat pants,
and my secret smile hidden underneath my closed eyes
that you uncover when you brush my hair away.
Although my temperature is climbing treetops,
I still press myself against you
starting forest fires between us
igniting tiny explosions from our fingertips.
You caress the space between my brows
so i can fall asleep and let loose
the soft, feminine snoring that you prefer
over my deep bellowing ones.
Suddenly I feel roots growing beneath me
penetrating deep into the mattress
preventing me from leaving
where I abandon any hope to act responsibly.
You clockless room hardly whispers
how late I am as time sprints to 1:30 am
leaving me behind in the dust
because I just wish for everything to stand still.
Please pry me loose from your clutches
and escort me back
to the reality I was vacationing from.
this heart of mine was broken at 11:02:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
additional day
Dear heart,
i added another day to my vacation. since i came home really late sunday night, i thought it a good idea to take monday off. i call him on my way to school and make my proposal. he calls me when i'm in class. i tell him that i had date night with anty. he's all saying that he's selfish and she takes up all my free time. like all butt-hurt "i see how it is." he even said it's because i don't like him anymore.
we decide to go to disneyland. first we eat lunch at tortilla jo's and he puts me in the shade. we go on the train thing first and get off to ride pirates but it was closed so we go to the haunted mansion instead. we see this lady with a really big ass and talk about her. anyway, we totally do dirty things in there. next we go to the buzz lightyear ride and i totally lose. he buys me a soda. then we go to space mountain and i love how amused he is when i scream. then we ride autopia since he's never before. we're talking crap to each other and he says something like "what's your name? are you tuesday or wednesday?" ooooh! i would randomly bring that up. he drives terribly on purpose but its fun. we take pictures for our drivers license photo. he buys me cotton candy and i make a note of how amazing it is that they invented it. we go on buzz lightyear again and he's feeding me when we're in line. i lose AGAIN and then i was ready to leave
we go back to his place and he's supposed to get a haircut. i give him a choice to do it or get a haircut and of course he chooses the first one. we lay there watching sports and i don't even wanna leave. i hate leaving him. but i do. i come back to drop off lucille's leftovers for him. his mom opens the door and i had to knock on his door since he wasn't answering.
i saw him for 7 days straight and he said now i can't call him for 3 days. haha. that's a lot. what am i doing?! that ruins stuff!
random observation:
it bothers me more when he refers to her by her name than as "avery's mom." her name makes her a person, an ex, a threat... just the title gives her only a functional presence as his daughters mom, nothing more.
i added another day to my vacation. since i came home really late sunday night, i thought it a good idea to take monday off. i call him on my way to school and make my proposal. he calls me when i'm in class. i tell him that i had date night with anty. he's all saying that he's selfish and she takes up all my free time. like all butt-hurt "i see how it is." he even said it's because i don't like him anymore.
we decide to go to disneyland. first we eat lunch at tortilla jo's and he puts me in the shade. we go on the train thing first and get off to ride pirates but it was closed so we go to the haunted mansion instead. we see this lady with a really big ass and talk about her. anyway, we totally do dirty things in there. next we go to the buzz lightyear ride and i totally lose. he buys me a soda. then we go to space mountain and i love how amused he is when i scream. then we ride autopia since he's never before. we're talking crap to each other and he says something like "what's your name? are you tuesday or wednesday?" ooooh! i would randomly bring that up. he drives terribly on purpose but its fun. we take pictures for our drivers license photo. he buys me cotton candy and i make a note of how amazing it is that they invented it. we go on buzz lightyear again and he's feeding me when we're in line. i lose AGAIN and then i was ready to leave
we go back to his place and he's supposed to get a haircut. i give him a choice to do it or get a haircut and of course he chooses the first one. we lay there watching sports and i don't even wanna leave. i hate leaving him. but i do. i come back to drop off lucille's leftovers for him. his mom opens the door and i had to knock on his door since he wasn't answering.
i saw him for 7 days straight and he said now i can't call him for 3 days. haha. that's a lot. what am i doing?! that ruins stuff!
random observation:
it bothers me more when he refers to her by her name than as "avery's mom." her name makes her a person, an ex, a threat... just the title gives her only a functional presence as his daughters mom, nothing more.
this heart of mine was broken at 8:44:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, March 03, 2008
crazy in love
Dear heart,
i guess james got drunk at clay's house. had to rescue him. i climbed an effin wall to get to him! crazy! i mentioned how we saw each other a lot this week and he said, "i know. i don't know what to do. i feel deprived." i guess missing me even if he's drunk still says something. i told him "i was all 'awww he missed me' but then you were really drunk." he got all serious and said something like "you don't think i miss you?"
we go back to his room and he is just a sweetheart with his little boy voice. he had bought me chicken nuggets and a big mac cuz he knows i love it. i was really full but he still kept trying to feed me. he said he wanted to make me happy. that he liked feeding me because i get happy when i eat. that was his observation. he would feed me and kiss me. i swear he needs to stop or i will profess my undying love for him already. i like drunk james. he told me i was cute too. he countered my comment about him being all cutesy when he's drunk. he said i was cute and that i say cute things. we kiss like forever. i told him that i'd miss him like this. i had to drive back to get my big mac. i totally love james!
i guess james got drunk at clay's house. had to rescue him. i climbed an effin wall to get to him! crazy! i mentioned how we saw each other a lot this week and he said, "i know. i don't know what to do. i feel deprived." i guess missing me even if he's drunk still says something. i told him "i was all 'awww he missed me' but then you were really drunk." he got all serious and said something like "you don't think i miss you?"
we go back to his room and he is just a sweetheart with his little boy voice. he had bought me chicken nuggets and a big mac cuz he knows i love it. i was really full but he still kept trying to feed me. he said he wanted to make me happy. that he liked feeding me because i get happy when i eat. that was his observation. he would feed me and kiss me. i swear he needs to stop or i will profess my undying love for him already. i like drunk james. he told me i was cute too. he countered my comment about him being all cutesy when he's drunk. he said i was cute and that i say cute things. we kiss like forever. i told him that i'd miss him like this. i had to drive back to get my big mac. i totally love james!
this heart of mine was broken at 2:56:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, March 02, 2008
icky love stuff
Dear heart,
so i probably feel that i love james. even though we haven't said it, i know his feelings are starting to escalate like mine. just how he handles me and takes care of me like i'm precious or something. i love that he's worried about 6 months...
so i probably feel that i love james. even though we haven't said it, i know his feelings are starting to escalate like mine. just how he handles me and takes care of me like i'm precious or something. i love that he's worried about 6 months...
this heart of mine was broken at 2:20:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, March 01, 2008
my vacation cont.
Dear heart,
he got off work at 2 and i went to pick him up. driving back and looking for food, he saw some guy need help pushing his truck. he just jumps out of my car and goes to help. it was really cute what a good samaritan he was. we then hopped back into the car and continued with our dilemma of what we were going to eat. i had a craving for steak so he took me to el torito to eat. it was funny cuz we get so clumsy around each other. i can't remember what dumb thing i did but he totally spilled water all over himself.
then we went to costco to look for a ps2 but found nothing. he wanted to go to ross and i end up buying a dress and a bathing suit. it was cute that after he goes to the bathroom, he comes up to me, tells me where he'll be, kisses me, then says he'll find me. i don't know why i find such mundane details so adorable.
he was supposed to go out with his friends and i was supposed to go to newport for brenda's birthday. he decides he needs to clean his room and shouldn't go out and i wasn't cute plus no one would go with me. i think we were both hoping the other person wasnt going out so we could end up hanging out together. we decide to pick up some weed from his friend and then go back to his place. we smoke and try to watch boondock saints again. i can't remember how it happened... i think i was kissing the side of his mouth and then he just sits up and starts kissing me, pushing me back onto his bed. i came first and then he did. that hardly ever happens. it was great! we turn all the stuff off and go to bed by 12. i call my parents at 3:40 telling them i wasn't coming home. i was totally supposed to leave way before that but he just takes me in his arms and tells me to stay. i'm so freaking easy, i swear!
the next day i feel him rubbing up behind me and we do it at like 7:36 in the morning. this totally wakes us up and we sit there just talking about random crap until we realize its two hours later. we decide that we're hungry and head to mimi's for breakfast/lunch. some
he got off work at 2 and i went to pick him up. driving back and looking for food, he saw some guy need help pushing his truck. he just jumps out of my car and goes to help. it was really cute what a good samaritan he was. we then hopped back into the car and continued with our dilemma of what we were going to eat. i had a craving for steak so he took me to el torito to eat. it was funny cuz we get so clumsy around each other. i can't remember what dumb thing i did but he totally spilled water all over himself.
then we went to costco to look for a ps2 but found nothing. he wanted to go to ross and i end up buying a dress and a bathing suit. it was cute that after he goes to the bathroom, he comes up to me, tells me where he'll be, kisses me, then says he'll find me. i don't know why i find such mundane details so adorable.
he was supposed to go out with his friends and i was supposed to go to newport for brenda's birthday. he decides he needs to clean his room and shouldn't go out and i wasn't cute plus no one would go with me. i think we were both hoping the other person wasnt going out so we could end up hanging out together. we decide to pick up some weed from his friend and then go back to his place. we smoke and try to watch boondock saints again. i can't remember how it happened... i think i was kissing the side of his mouth and then he just sits up and starts kissing me, pushing me back onto his bed. i came first and then he did. that hardly ever happens. it was great! we turn all the stuff off and go to bed by 12. i call my parents at 3:40 telling them i wasn't coming home. i was totally supposed to leave way before that but he just takes me in his arms and tells me to stay. i'm so freaking easy, i swear!
the next day i feel him rubbing up behind me and we do it at like 7:36 in the morning. this totally wakes us up and we sit there just talking about random crap until we realize its two hours later. we decide that we're hungry and head to mimi's for breakfast/lunch. some
this heart of mine was broken at 12:52:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
impromptu vacation
Dear heart,
I’m not even kidding… but I have fallen in love with him. The kind of feeling that shakes your inner core, both exciting and scary at the same time. I thought I was already at this point but tonight just knocked me over the edge. I don’t want to spoil the ending yet so let me start with the past three days.
Tuesday
I have a paper due for my poetry class so I make up some lame excuse at work as to why I need to leave early. I go home, work on it, and then head to class. It turns out it was due on Thursday! Ugh! That annoyed me but at the same time it was done and maybe I could improve it somehow.
After I went to Chronic Tacos and bought food for James, his friend Clay, me. They were at James’ house because they just got finished with their league game. They swear kobe is the best player in the nba. I tell them that they are in love with kobe and james says i'm jealous! We eat and then as they watch basketball, I try to study for my test. Unfortunately I started smoking and that’s always a bad idea. I end up just wanting to fall asleep. I am so tired that I suggest we don’t go to work tomorrow and go to Disneyland instead.
Two hours later, I was taking my sister to school. I text him and ask if he’s willing to call in so we could go to Disneyland. He calls me back and he said he’s about to call in. I take forever to get ready and get to his house at 10:30- half an hour late! We eat Hawaiian barbecue by his house where I spill my food all over myself. It almost got on my white shorts. Then we take the bus to Disneyland since we didn’t want to pay the minimum $10 for parking.
The first thing we go on is that California ride. I got to smell all the things he said I was going to smell like the trees, the ocean, and even the oranges! Then we go on the ride like the Big Foot Rapids ride at Knott’s. We got soaked. It was funny because he was carrying my purse and the outside got totally soaked.
Then I don’t even know how the next part happened. He was going to make me ride this really scary roller coaster. I got upset that he didn’t want to take a picture with me even after I said I would ride it. I was talking crap about riding it and he was like “so you’re not going to go skydiving with me for my birthday?” I almost wanted to say yes because I just love it when he shares things with me but I would seriously die! That was the scariest ride I have ever been on, seriously! He thought I cried but really I was just pretending to be in shock so he could feel bad. He told me he was proud of me and we kept talking about it.
While we waited for the bus, he had his shirt off and all these chicks driving by kept checking him out, I guess. I think he told me to go over there but I didn’t see the point to acting like he’s mine when I know he pretty much is. We got on the bus and some guy flagged me down to let me know there was an available seat next to him. James had a weird like I-Can’t-believe-it smile. I told him to sit next to me. I guess when I was doing that, some ok looking guy gave the guy next to me a look and nodded about me. And then the guy next to me tried to take a picture of me on his phone. SO creepy! When we were crossing the street and I was talking about how I couldn’t believe what that guy did, and he said sorry about being a cock block. And then goes on to say, “If you want me to be upset about this, let me know.” I just said it was a little late but since he brought it up, I kind of wanted a negative, semi-possessive reaction to that.
So then I study for a bit because I had a test and we kept kissing and turning each other on. I was about to leave and he was putting some underwear on that I rethought my saying no. I closed the door and he pulls down my shorts… it was AMAZING! Holy crap! So I drive to school and talk to Leilu. It made me feel special that she still considers me her girlfriend after all this time.
After my test I go watch him play basketball. I play a little and knock over my drink. Then I just talk to Leilu on the phone and when his first game was over, he said something like he was playing like a god and I’m not even watching. He’s all moody after and I ask him if he still wants me to come over or if he’s over people right now. He told me to give him a minute. He feeds me some chicken and asparagus which was SO good.
I guess I am tired from all the food that while he watches Boondock Saints, I fall asleep in his arms. I keep making threats to leave and it was really for attention purposes. I got a little upset when we were going to bed and he turned the other way. I told him he didn’t have to walk me out and I think he was hurt by that. He said he’d walk me to the door and I shake my head. What I meant to say was I don’t want to leave, make me stay. I think he got sick of me telling him no that he said “fine” or something like that and sat down. It felt like a slap in the face that I just went outside and closed his door. I wanted him to come after me but he didn’t. It was the first power struggle that I lost. I went back inside and the lights and tv were off. He was turning off the alarm he set for me at 2. There was an awkward moment of silence and I realized I need to stop acting up. This was our first almost fight.
The next day I sleep in until 1 and call him thinking he’d be at work. I wasn’t even going to call him but found that he was sitting at home bored. I suggest the beach and get ready. I finally get there and it was 2. He’s still in his weird funk and sounds kind of quiet. We look forward to eating taco bell but it was closed! WTF?! We sit at the beach but its so cold. We talk crap about each other and he randomly makes fun of me. He tries to fight with me but I tease him about being weak because of his legs.
I have the great idea of charo chicken but in the end he still wants his taco bell. We go in his room and eat our food while watching transformers. I have him alarm it for 6 so I can go to class. I don’t know how we started fooling around but I was all over him when we were done. He walks me to my car and I suggest playing basketball later because he told me earlier “I can’t believe you played basketball without me.”
I go to my poetry class and all we do is turn in our papers. I call him right after and he’s watching tv and tells me I can come over or come by if I want. Sweet! I go there and first we watch some basketball game. We lay around a bit because his bed is just so damn comfortable and having him there holding me makes it worse. We finally get ready for basketball and I drop him off so I can buy a jamba. The chick tells me its closed 2 minutes before its 9. I went to starbucks instead. When I get there, first we play “PIG” and I win! Then we do a one on one and I totally lose. We do our free throw average thing and he got 6 out of 10 and I could only do 2. It was fun playing with him. We walk back to the car and my zipper breaks and we start cracking up. I love that I have these I-can’t-breathe laughter with him. We drove back to his place but stop at the circle K first next to is house. I get some Gatorade, orange soda, and some cheese and sour cream. I am hesitant because I don’t want my breath to smell and he told me he didn’t care if my breath smelled.
We start boondock saints yet again. When I open the bag, it smells of fart. I eat it and he has a little. When we lay down, I’m a bit embarrassed and cover my mouth with the blanket. He calls me booty breath but still tries to move my face to kiss him. It tugs at little heart strings when he’s openly showing me that it doesn’t matter my breath smells of death, especially since I’m all insecure about it. He will kiss me anyway. Then there was a point where he starts caressing my face which I can’t recall him every doing the ENTIRE face and for THAT long. Then he moves my face towards his and gives me these earth shattering kisses. My heart is pumping, my face is getting hot, and I get this scared feeling at the pit of my stomach.
We’re not even making out, just tiny kisses that include pauses where we put our foreheads together. All I could think was that I was in love. Could he feel this too? Seriously, how can you kiss someone just like that and not feel like all the walls have crumbled and its time to let the other person in? I wanted to say it. I was surprised he didn’t. I love you. God! Why is it so complicated to say crap like that?! Why didn’t he say it at that moment? Is he scared like me to fall in love or is he trying to be careful not to make what we have complicated?
I’m not even kidding… but I have fallen in love with him. The kind of feeling that shakes your inner core, both exciting and scary at the same time. I thought I was already at this point but tonight just knocked me over the edge. I don’t want to spoil the ending yet so let me start with the past three days.
Tuesday
I have a paper due for my poetry class so I make up some lame excuse at work as to why I need to leave early. I go home, work on it, and then head to class. It turns out it was due on Thursday! Ugh! That annoyed me but at the same time it was done and maybe I could improve it somehow.
After I went to Chronic Tacos and bought food for James, his friend Clay, me. They were at James’ house because they just got finished with their league game. They swear kobe is the best player in the nba. I tell them that they are in love with kobe and james says i'm jealous! We eat and then as they watch basketball, I try to study for my test. Unfortunately I started smoking and that’s always a bad idea. I end up just wanting to fall asleep. I am so tired that I suggest we don’t go to work tomorrow and go to Disneyland instead.
Two hours later, I was taking my sister to school. I text him and ask if he’s willing to call in so we could go to Disneyland. He calls me back and he said he’s about to call in. I take forever to get ready and get to his house at 10:30- half an hour late! We eat Hawaiian barbecue by his house where I spill my food all over myself. It almost got on my white shorts. Then we take the bus to Disneyland since we didn’t want to pay the minimum $10 for parking.
The first thing we go on is that California ride. I got to smell all the things he said I was going to smell like the trees, the ocean, and even the oranges! Then we go on the ride like the Big Foot Rapids ride at Knott’s. We got soaked. It was funny because he was carrying my purse and the outside got totally soaked.
Then I don’t even know how the next part happened. He was going to make me ride this really scary roller coaster. I got upset that he didn’t want to take a picture with me even after I said I would ride it. I was talking crap about riding it and he was like “so you’re not going to go skydiving with me for my birthday?” I almost wanted to say yes because I just love it when he shares things with me but I would seriously die! That was the scariest ride I have ever been on, seriously! He thought I cried but really I was just pretending to be in shock so he could feel bad. He told me he was proud of me and we kept talking about it.
While we waited for the bus, he had his shirt off and all these chicks driving by kept checking him out, I guess. I think he told me to go over there but I didn’t see the point to acting like he’s mine when I know he pretty much is. We got on the bus and some guy flagged me down to let me know there was an available seat next to him. James had a weird like I-Can’t-believe-it smile. I told him to sit next to me. I guess when I was doing that, some ok looking guy gave the guy next to me a look and nodded about me. And then the guy next to me tried to take a picture of me on his phone. SO creepy! When we were crossing the street and I was talking about how I couldn’t believe what that guy did, and he said sorry about being a cock block. And then goes on to say, “If you want me to be upset about this, let me know.” I just said it was a little late but since he brought it up, I kind of wanted a negative, semi-possessive reaction to that.
So then I study for a bit because I had a test and we kept kissing and turning each other on. I was about to leave and he was putting some underwear on that I rethought my saying no. I closed the door and he pulls down my shorts… it was AMAZING! Holy crap! So I drive to school and talk to Leilu. It made me feel special that she still considers me her girlfriend after all this time.
After my test I go watch him play basketball. I play a little and knock over my drink. Then I just talk to Leilu on the phone and when his first game was over, he said something like he was playing like a god and I’m not even watching. He’s all moody after and I ask him if he still wants me to come over or if he’s over people right now. He told me to give him a minute. He feeds me some chicken and asparagus which was SO good.
I guess I am tired from all the food that while he watches Boondock Saints, I fall asleep in his arms. I keep making threats to leave and it was really for attention purposes. I got a little upset when we were going to bed and he turned the other way. I told him he didn’t have to walk me out and I think he was hurt by that. He said he’d walk me to the door and I shake my head. What I meant to say was I don’t want to leave, make me stay. I think he got sick of me telling him no that he said “fine” or something like that and sat down. It felt like a slap in the face that I just went outside and closed his door. I wanted him to come after me but he didn’t. It was the first power struggle that I lost. I went back inside and the lights and tv were off. He was turning off the alarm he set for me at 2. There was an awkward moment of silence and I realized I need to stop acting up. This was our first almost fight.
The next day I sleep in until 1 and call him thinking he’d be at work. I wasn’t even going to call him but found that he was sitting at home bored. I suggest the beach and get ready. I finally get there and it was 2. He’s still in his weird funk and sounds kind of quiet. We look forward to eating taco bell but it was closed! WTF?! We sit at the beach but its so cold. We talk crap about each other and he randomly makes fun of me. He tries to fight with me but I tease him about being weak because of his legs.
I have the great idea of charo chicken but in the end he still wants his taco bell. We go in his room and eat our food while watching transformers. I have him alarm it for 6 so I can go to class. I don’t know how we started fooling around but I was all over him when we were done. He walks me to my car and I suggest playing basketball later because he told me earlier “I can’t believe you played basketball without me.”
I go to my poetry class and all we do is turn in our papers. I call him right after and he’s watching tv and tells me I can come over or come by if I want. Sweet! I go there and first we watch some basketball game. We lay around a bit because his bed is just so damn comfortable and having him there holding me makes it worse. We finally get ready for basketball and I drop him off so I can buy a jamba. The chick tells me its closed 2 minutes before its 9. I went to starbucks instead. When I get there, first we play “PIG” and I win! Then we do a one on one and I totally lose. We do our free throw average thing and he got 6 out of 10 and I could only do 2. It was fun playing with him. We walk back to the car and my zipper breaks and we start cracking up. I love that I have these I-can’t-breathe laughter with him. We drove back to his place but stop at the circle K first next to is house. I get some Gatorade, orange soda, and some cheese and sour cream. I am hesitant because I don’t want my breath to smell and he told me he didn’t care if my breath smelled.
We start boondock saints yet again. When I open the bag, it smells of fart. I eat it and he has a little. When we lay down, I’m a bit embarrassed and cover my mouth with the blanket. He calls me booty breath but still tries to move my face to kiss him. It tugs at little heart strings when he’s openly showing me that it doesn’t matter my breath smells of death, especially since I’m all insecure about it. He will kiss me anyway. Then there was a point where he starts caressing my face which I can’t recall him every doing the ENTIRE face and for THAT long. Then he moves my face towards his and gives me these earth shattering kisses. My heart is pumping, my face is getting hot, and I get this scared feeling at the pit of my stomach.
We’re not even making out, just tiny kisses that include pauses where we put our foreheads together. All I could think was that I was in love. Could he feel this too? Seriously, how can you kiss someone just like that and not feel like all the walls have crumbled and its time to let the other person in? I wanted to say it. I was surprised he didn’t. I love you. God! Why is it so complicated to say crap like that?! Why didn’t he say it at that moment? Is he scared like me to fall in love or is he trying to be careful not to make what we have complicated?
this heart of mine was broken at 12:45:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, February 25, 2008
thursday night
Dear heart,
i forgot to talk about coming over on thursday. i come by and we make plans to eat. we try to suggest other things but came down to pho. he wanted to go to ross and i tell him ross, then dvd planet. we end up just going to dvd planet and then get pho. brenda picks up tickets to v20 from the pho place. i get a birthday card that made me laugh. i realize im much less paranoid when it comes to james. i've toned down my craziness. we go back to his place and watch transformers but got too distracted with each other. i tell him that i shouldn't have come up cuz now he's gonna have to eventually walk me back to my car and its raining. he said he wasn't and i made a pouty face. he says "look how mcuh i spoil you." or something like that and i cover my face because i know its true. i fall asleep there and he walks me to my car at 4 in the morning.
friday i felt guilty about not really asking him to go to v2o. i was making and taking so many calls about giving out tickets that it was rude to not invite him. he said it was cool and to call me later even if i'm drunk since he enjoys calls like that or first thing when i wake up. i call him back to suggest going jersey shopping in the morning. obviously my hangover stood in the way of that plan... oh well. all is well.
=)
i forgot to talk about coming over on thursday. i come by and we make plans to eat. we try to suggest other things but came down to pho. he wanted to go to ross and i tell him ross, then dvd planet. we end up just going to dvd planet and then get pho. brenda picks up tickets to v20 from the pho place. i get a birthday card that made me laugh. i realize im much less paranoid when it comes to james. i've toned down my craziness. we go back to his place and watch transformers but got too distracted with each other. i tell him that i shouldn't have come up cuz now he's gonna have to eventually walk me back to my car and its raining. he said he wasn't and i made a pouty face. he says "look how mcuh i spoil you." or something like that and i cover my face because i know its true. i fall asleep there and he walks me to my car at 4 in the morning.
friday i felt guilty about not really asking him to go to v2o. i was making and taking so many calls about giving out tickets that it was rude to not invite him. he said it was cool and to call me later even if i'm drunk since he enjoys calls like that or first thing when i wake up. i call him back to suggest going jersey shopping in the morning. obviously my hangover stood in the way of that plan... oh well. all is well.
=)
this heart of mine was broken at 1:22:00 AM
1 people tried to mend this shattered heart
1 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, February 24, 2008
v2o, lakers/clippers game, and some baskteball
Dear heart,
on friday i went to v2o. yeah so i drank too much too soon and i totally got sick. there was some drama with mario's "ex" which was actually his gf who he lived with. there was the brian situation yet again and i think it was more that i liked the attention. both of them told me i looked good. =) that's what i want to hear from ex-lovers. i just drank waaay too much and passed out at anty's house. i called james at 8:36 (according to him) and told him of my headache. he called me again when it was almost 11 but "i wasn't having a conversation" or something like that. i ate panera with antoinette and went home and threw it all up. i went to pick up james for the game. i parked at his neighbors spot and almost got my car towed. his neighbor kept saying "james' girlfriend" and i had to look away from embarassment. i was secretly relishing that and the fact that james was not arguing with it.
we were talking crap to each other the whole way there but it was fun. he keeps me on my toes and i'm really into that. we saw dan there and it was funny that he kept having to move cuz he was totally hiding in the first floor bathroom stall. i got a lakers jersey and a billion pictures with james. he was waiting for me to change into my jersey and he was on the phone when i came out. he was telling someone something about a valentines present. he told me thanks for the tickets and kisses me. the guy next to us was annoying him and even asked him what a "clipper" was. i kiss him to distract him from his hatred. when we got back near the car, he picks me up and we kiss. i love kissing him.
we go get food at del taco. he was teasing me about my comment about the town center, and he told me to stop acting so tough all the time. waiting for our food in the drive-thru, "anyone else but you" played and he was all "its that song from juno. aww." and kisses my arm like i played it just for him. we try to watch transformers again but he had a headache and wanted to sleep. i molested him and we did it. i told him how i executed my plan and he said something about always getting what i want and pointed out my big smile.
it was hard to sleep and his comment about it being hot led me to believe he wanted me off him. in the morning he brings up how i'm being dramatic, and then i point out how he is dramatic too. we watch some surf movie and some guy i thought i was in love with turns out resembling james. we then get ready to go grab some food before he plays basketball. some black guy playing refers to me as "his girl" and i completely love the lack of arguing over that. i meet his friend dan and clay is there too. there were almost 2 fights with him and i love how tough he gets and how much he can talk crap. it's cute. i was really enjoying not having any make up on and still feeling ok about myself.
then we went to clay's house. he was talking to his mom and mentions that i ended up watching his game and it was cool. i love that his friends know me by name like he talks about me or something. we're in the car and he mentions that he likes my nail. that "it's cute" and its hard for me to accept compliments so i tell him its ugly but then thank him when i realized i should never talk anyone out of a compliment. clay mentions how cute we are. him opening my doors or i guess just how he's acting, clay says he never sees this side of him, that it's cute. i get embarassed and hope james doesn't start acting like a jerk to show off. he doesn't. he gives a piggyback ride all the way up the stairs. we play videogames and at first his friend was pissing me off cuz he wouldn't let me play. james let me and i totally beat his friend. then i play against james and he murders me. i fall asleep and wake up to a phone call from my mom. she is a bit upset about not being home almost the entire weekend.
our drive home was quiet but intimate. he had his hand on my leg and kinda caressing/holding my hand. he tells me that it was the first time we hung out that much and he thought it was cool. i pointed out another time but he said that i've been hanging out with him since 5 yesterday and it was almost 10 today. i told him i had fun which is all i could say without sounding cheesy or saying something corny. when we said our goodbyes, we gave each other a real kiss. he told me thanks for hanging out with him and i thanked him awkwardly for winning me in basketball. i try not to make it so damn obvious how into him i am.
i know now that i don't need the title. i'm happy and content with exactly how things are right now. this doesn't need a label because its working without it.
on friday i went to v2o. yeah so i drank too much too soon and i totally got sick. there was some drama with mario's "ex" which was actually his gf who he lived with. there was the brian situation yet again and i think it was more that i liked the attention. both of them told me i looked good. =) that's what i want to hear from ex-lovers. i just drank waaay too much and passed out at anty's house. i called james at 8:36 (according to him) and told him of my headache. he called me again when it was almost 11 but "i wasn't having a conversation" or something like that. i ate panera with antoinette and went home and threw it all up. i went to pick up james for the game. i parked at his neighbors spot and almost got my car towed. his neighbor kept saying "james' girlfriend" and i had to look away from embarassment. i was secretly relishing that and the fact that james was not arguing with it.
we were talking crap to each other the whole way there but it was fun. he keeps me on my toes and i'm really into that. we saw dan there and it was funny that he kept having to move cuz he was totally hiding in the first floor bathroom stall. i got a lakers jersey and a billion pictures with james. he was waiting for me to change into my jersey and he was on the phone when i came out. he was telling someone something about a valentines present. he told me thanks for the tickets and kisses me. the guy next to us was annoying him and even asked him what a "clipper" was. i kiss him to distract him from his hatred. when we got back near the car, he picks me up and we kiss. i love kissing him.
we go get food at del taco. he was teasing me about my comment about the town center, and he told me to stop acting so tough all the time. waiting for our food in the drive-thru, "anyone else but you" played and he was all "its that song from juno. aww." and kisses my arm like i played it just for him. we try to watch transformers again but he had a headache and wanted to sleep. i molested him and we did it. i told him how i executed my plan and he said something about always getting what i want and pointed out my big smile.
it was hard to sleep and his comment about it being hot led me to believe he wanted me off him. in the morning he brings up how i'm being dramatic, and then i point out how he is dramatic too. we watch some surf movie and some guy i thought i was in love with turns out resembling james. we then get ready to go grab some food before he plays basketball. some black guy playing refers to me as "his girl" and i completely love the lack of arguing over that. i meet his friend dan and clay is there too. there were almost 2 fights with him and i love how tough he gets and how much he can talk crap. it's cute. i was really enjoying not having any make up on and still feeling ok about myself.
then we went to clay's house. he was talking to his mom and mentions that i ended up watching his game and it was cool. i love that his friends know me by name like he talks about me or something. we're in the car and he mentions that he likes my nail. that "it's cute" and its hard for me to accept compliments so i tell him its ugly but then thank him when i realized i should never talk anyone out of a compliment. clay mentions how cute we are. him opening my doors or i guess just how he's acting, clay says he never sees this side of him, that it's cute. i get embarassed and hope james doesn't start acting like a jerk to show off. he doesn't. he gives a piggyback ride all the way up the stairs. we play videogames and at first his friend was pissing me off cuz he wouldn't let me play. james let me and i totally beat his friend. then i play against james and he murders me. i fall asleep and wake up to a phone call from my mom. she is a bit upset about not being home almost the entire weekend.
our drive home was quiet but intimate. he had his hand on my leg and kinda caressing/holding my hand. he tells me that it was the first time we hung out that much and he thought it was cool. i pointed out another time but he said that i've been hanging out with him since 5 yesterday and it was almost 10 today. i told him i had fun which is all i could say without sounding cheesy or saying something corny. when we said our goodbyes, we gave each other a real kiss. he told me thanks for hanging out with him and i thanked him awkwardly for winning me in basketball. i try not to make it so damn obvious how into him i am.
i know now that i don't need the title. i'm happy and content with exactly how things are right now. this doesn't need a label because its working without it.
this heart of mine was broken at 10:20:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, February 22, 2008
making good choices
Dear heart,
i am really bad when it comes to temptation. while i'm declining an offer, somewhere in the back of my mind there's a little voice (that is louder when it comes to different people) that keeps saying "why not?" it's hard. especially for me. i picked up my stuff from georgy today and sometimes when i'm talking to him, our faces are just so close. or all the touchyness, the closeness, just an all out recipe for trouble. he asked me if i wanted to come inside and i made excuses about wearing a lot of layers and being too hot indoors. when he let me go, part of me wanted him to try a little harder. i was disappointed and i almost wanted to kiss him.
i am really bad when it comes to temptation. while i'm declining an offer, somewhere in the back of my mind there's a little voice (that is louder when it comes to different people) that keeps saying "why not?" it's hard. especially for me. i picked up my stuff from georgy today and sometimes when i'm talking to him, our faces are just so close. or all the touchyness, the closeness, just an all out recipe for trouble. he asked me if i wanted to come inside and i made excuses about wearing a lot of layers and being too hot indoors. when he let me go, part of me wanted him to try a little harder. i was disappointed and i almost wanted to kiss him.
this heart of mine was broken at 8:44:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, February 21, 2008
i can't wait
Dear heart,
i'm sure i can't wait for the day when i can have my own place and you can come over and fall asleep surrounded by my mess. i can't wait for the day when i'm sick of you coming over or when we're sick of each others company for a bit but love each other anyway.
i'm sure i can't wait for the day when i can have my own place and you can come over and fall asleep surrounded by my mess. i can't wait for the day when i'm sick of you coming over or when we're sick of each others company for a bit but love each other anyway.
this heart of mine was broken at 2:15:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
all it takes
Dear heart,
lately i've been feeling antisocial and i think james absence had a lot to do with it. i am much more cheery when he is part of my sphere and when he is absent, it's like this big empty space. so i act up and alienate everyone else. i even texted myself about not wanting anything to mean something. i want to care about absolutely nothing so life can be as painless as possible. i guess i was just so over feeling- or maybe over feeling that i missed him.
i drove by his place last night and his lamp was on. but not the tv. i'm guessing he was actually sleeping and not ignoring me. i think of the worst possible scenario for everything.
work was fun today though. dan is falcon while i am cerulean panda. we did our "spy mission" and followed kids, questioned their whereabouts, etc. i just have so much fun with him. seriously the best choice as an assistant. he even said he really enjoyed working there and that he looked forward to coming to work. he is weird in such a hilarious way. he makes work pass by too quickly.
anyway i get a text from him when i'm almost off work telling me to call him when he can. it frustrated me because i was just starting to train myself not to think about him and there he was rubbing thought of him all over my brain.
i go to his place even though he is sick. while i drive there i talk to anty about dan and doing that just opens my eyes to how awesome he is. his strange obesession with tuna and rice. i love him! in a non-sexual but i do think he's hot kind of way.
so james is caughing up a storm thanks to me. i study while he watches his game. he tries to get my attention and i play hard to get. finally we kiss and he looked like he was getting chills or something. i didn't feel it this time because all i could think of was getting back to studying but kissing him always brings me down to earth about this whole thing. it reminds me of all the reasons why i stay. i genuinely like him and if staying faithful without commitment shows that, then fine. i don't want anyone else. he gave me a lollipop daisy. and he noticed that i ate hot cheetos cuz of my stained fingers. how observant!
he gave me a time limit to stop "my homework" and pay attention to him. obviously i did not honor is stupid limits but stopped when i felt ready. he tried giving me a 2 minute extension which i violated as well. starting everything was kinda hot. he was taking off my pants so i just got up and my work shirt came off, my thermals, my mickey mouse sports bra until i was stark naked. then he took everything off. we stood there by his open window breathing heavily in front of each other just ready to take the other person. god that's what i call passion!
anyway after our short liaison, we lay there and i had to leave but its always hard to leave. i asked him to be an ass and to kick me out of bed and he just asked me to stay. i like when he holds my face or supports the back of my head with his hand. i don't want anything more. i think less is more. i might be crazy wwith more... it might give the option of breaking up. and you KNOW me, when its that time of the month i always think its time to end things. maybe i need boundaries. not that i will say no if he ever asks or protest if he calls me his gf but... i'm tired of overanalizing this and worrying about it when i'm happy exactly where we are. why do we need to define this when all we really need to know is that it's working?!
now i feel my antisocialism has been lifted thanks to my guy. <- that's how i refer to him.
lately i've been feeling antisocial and i think james absence had a lot to do with it. i am much more cheery when he is part of my sphere and when he is absent, it's like this big empty space. so i act up and alienate everyone else. i even texted myself about not wanting anything to mean something. i want to care about absolutely nothing so life can be as painless as possible. i guess i was just so over feeling- or maybe over feeling that i missed him.
i drove by his place last night and his lamp was on. but not the tv. i'm guessing he was actually sleeping and not ignoring me. i think of the worst possible scenario for everything.
work was fun today though. dan is falcon while i am cerulean panda. we did our "spy mission" and followed kids, questioned their whereabouts, etc. i just have so much fun with him. seriously the best choice as an assistant. he even said he really enjoyed working there and that he looked forward to coming to work. he is weird in such a hilarious way. he makes work pass by too quickly.
anyway i get a text from him when i'm almost off work telling me to call him when he can. it frustrated me because i was just starting to train myself not to think about him and there he was rubbing thought of him all over my brain.
i go to his place even though he is sick. while i drive there i talk to anty about dan and doing that just opens my eyes to how awesome he is. his strange obesession with tuna and rice. i love him! in a non-sexual but i do think he's hot kind of way.
so james is caughing up a storm thanks to me. i study while he watches his game. he tries to get my attention and i play hard to get. finally we kiss and he looked like he was getting chills or something. i didn't feel it this time because all i could think of was getting back to studying but kissing him always brings me down to earth about this whole thing. it reminds me of all the reasons why i stay. i genuinely like him and if staying faithful without commitment shows that, then fine. i don't want anyone else. he gave me a lollipop daisy. and he noticed that i ate hot cheetos cuz of my stained fingers. how observant!
he gave me a time limit to stop "my homework" and pay attention to him. obviously i did not honor is stupid limits but stopped when i felt ready. he tried giving me a 2 minute extension which i violated as well. starting everything was kinda hot. he was taking off my pants so i just got up and my work shirt came off, my thermals, my mickey mouse sports bra until i was stark naked. then he took everything off. we stood there by his open window breathing heavily in front of each other just ready to take the other person. god that's what i call passion!
anyway after our short liaison, we lay there and i had to leave but its always hard to leave. i asked him to be an ass and to kick me out of bed and he just asked me to stay. i like when he holds my face or supports the back of my head with his hand. i don't want anything more. i think less is more. i might be crazy wwith more... it might give the option of breaking up. and you KNOW me, when its that time of the month i always think its time to end things. maybe i need boundaries. not that i will say no if he ever asks or protest if he calls me his gf but... i'm tired of overanalizing this and worrying about it when i'm happy exactly where we are. why do we need to define this when all we really need to know is that it's working?!
now i feel my antisocialism has been lifted thanks to my guy. <- that's how i refer to him.
this heart of mine was broken at 1:37:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
because i have no balls
Dear heart,
i really like someone
but i just came to accept the fact
that i will NEVER EVER
have the guts
to tell him how i feel
so
i decided
that i will not feel like this
anymore
because it's pointless
if i can't even admit it
to that person.
i'll pretend it never happened
and maybe one day
it won't be pretend anymore
and i'll be over
feeling out-of-control
and confused
and excited
about this guy.
the end.
i really like someone
but i just came to accept the fact
that i will NEVER EVER
have the guts
to tell him how i feel
so
i decided
that i will not feel like this
anymore
because it's pointless
if i can't even admit it
to that person.
i'll pretend it never happened
and maybe one day
it won't be pretend anymore
and i'll be over
feeling out-of-control
and confused
and excited
about this guy.
the end.
this heart of mine was broken at 11:05:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, February 18, 2008
my problem
Dear heart,
i realized what the problem was. i don't tell people how i feel because i usually have bad experiences with it. it's too out-of-control for me. like with anthony and even though i told vince how i felt when it came down to it, i didn't say it. i wrote it and sometimes it comes off so strong and so unlike me. even with guys i don't end up liking that much, i can't tell them how i really feel or how i don't really feel that much for them. i just don't exaclty know how to go about telling someone exactly how i feel without feeling guilty, feeling like i might lose something, or just being so scared to hear their answer or see their reaction. but at the same time i expect them to know exactly what it is i feel and for them to feel the same exact way. then i start to resent them for not acting on what i want... because they have no idea what it is.
i feel like i try to walk on eggshells when i'm into someone. i don't want any weird uncomfortable confrontations and just act like nothing is wrong so things can always appear safe and secure when underneath the water, the currents toss and turn and are breaking apart rocks.
i'm just scared he'll miss his window. i like him. and although i'm sure someone will eventually come along to erase exactly how it is i feel right now, i want this to last. i don't want to have to look back at this or have him reminisce with me at what he missed out on. i want to be able to talk to him years from now and laugh at what he could have missed if he didn't just go for it with me. i just feel like the time between those who actually do it for me seem so long and empty. it's so hard to feel this way about people. it's difficult to find someone who does it for you and who finds that you kinda do it for them too. right now, things with james are exactlty what i want. i want him and only him. so why can't i just tell him that without feeling like i'm cornering him?
i realized what the problem was. i don't tell people how i feel because i usually have bad experiences with it. it's too out-of-control for me. like with anthony and even though i told vince how i felt when it came down to it, i didn't say it. i wrote it and sometimes it comes off so strong and so unlike me. even with guys i don't end up liking that much, i can't tell them how i really feel or how i don't really feel that much for them. i just don't exaclty know how to go about telling someone exactly how i feel without feeling guilty, feeling like i might lose something, or just being so scared to hear their answer or see their reaction. but at the same time i expect them to know exactly what it is i feel and for them to feel the same exact way. then i start to resent them for not acting on what i want... because they have no idea what it is.
i feel like i try to walk on eggshells when i'm into someone. i don't want any weird uncomfortable confrontations and just act like nothing is wrong so things can always appear safe and secure when underneath the water, the currents toss and turn and are breaking apart rocks.
i'm just scared he'll miss his window. i like him. and although i'm sure someone will eventually come along to erase exactly how it is i feel right now, i want this to last. i don't want to have to look back at this or have him reminisce with me at what he missed out on. i want to be able to talk to him years from now and laugh at what he could have missed if he didn't just go for it with me. i just feel like the time between those who actually do it for me seem so long and empty. it's so hard to feel this way about people. it's difficult to find someone who does it for you and who finds that you kinda do it for them too. right now, things with james are exactlty what i want. i want him and only him. so why can't i just tell him that without feeling like i'm cornering him?
this heart of mine was broken at 12:38:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
what exactly do you want?
Dear heart,
you go around preaching that you don't want a relationship and that you're happy with the way things are... but the truth is, sweetie, you're f*cking lying to yourself. you KNOW you want to be his girlfriend. you know you want to be able to tell the world that he's yours and that you belong to someone too. you know you're tired of the uncertainties of the future even when he makes plans to teach you how to surf in the summer to assure that you see him, you know its not enough. even though you're sure for the most part that he isn't seeing anyone else, it doesn't matter. you just want to know for both of you that you're not wasting your fidelity yet again. because you KNOW that you've been too good this year. he deserves it, you know? because of how he makes you feel when you're around him, talking to him, touching him, kissing him, laughing with him, or just being next to him. nothing and no one else is worth ruining all that. maybe you expect him to feel that way too and want you all him to himself. but that's the thing, he already does.
what the hell do you want from him? more? is that what you really want? because what if he can't give more- because of his daughter? his baby momma? his lifestyle? just because he might not be ready right now? then would you really walk away from this? you haven't been this happy about someone in awhile. and even though he can make you miserable, it's only when he doesn't call right away or when he actually is living his life without you for a few moments, which is exactly what you need right now, it isn't like the miserable i used to feel. it's not the intentional hurt and betrayal that people used to put me through.
you go around preaching that you don't want a relationship and that you're happy with the way things are... but the truth is, sweetie, you're f*cking lying to yourself. you KNOW you want to be his girlfriend. you know you want to be able to tell the world that he's yours and that you belong to someone too. you know you're tired of the uncertainties of the future even when he makes plans to teach you how to surf in the summer to assure that you see him, you know its not enough. even though you're sure for the most part that he isn't seeing anyone else, it doesn't matter. you just want to know for both of you that you're not wasting your fidelity yet again. because you KNOW that you've been too good this year. he deserves it, you know? because of how he makes you feel when you're around him, talking to him, touching him, kissing him, laughing with him, or just being next to him. nothing and no one else is worth ruining all that. maybe you expect him to feel that way too and want you all him to himself. but that's the thing, he already does.
what the hell do you want from him? more? is that what you really want? because what if he can't give more- because of his daughter? his baby momma? his lifestyle? just because he might not be ready right now? then would you really walk away from this? you haven't been this happy about someone in awhile. and even though he can make you miserable, it's only when he doesn't call right away or when he actually is living his life without you for a few moments, which is exactly what you need right now, it isn't like the miserable i used to feel. it's not the intentional hurt and betrayal that people used to put me through.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:00:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, February 16, 2008
better than before
Dear heart,
i was listening to the fesit song "let it die" which mentions the beauty in the beginning and how most would give anything to just go back to the beginning of it all. theb thing is, what has occurred between me and james lately has been so much better than the beginning. i think this whole thing is just so amazing because hanging out with him is a combination of effortless conversation, natural enjoyment, and seamsless laughter.
i swear sometimes i could love him if i knew he was still willing to offer that.
i was listening to the fesit song "let it die" which mentions the beauty in the beginning and how most would give anything to just go back to the beginning of it all. theb thing is, what has occurred between me and james lately has been so much better than the beginning. i think this whole thing is just so amazing because hanging out with him is a combination of effortless conversation, natural enjoyment, and seamsless laughter.
i swear sometimes i could love him if i knew he was still willing to offer that.
this heart of mine was broken at 10:28:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
realizations and assessment
Dear heart,
reading over my diary, i realize that sometimes i get so caught up in analysis and how i feel about any given situation that i forget the actual events that might be worth mentioning.
like on wednesday, i hardly talked about how i looked or how he acted. pretty much, i looked like death. i had work clothes and my thick YMCA jacket. i was wearing my victoria secrets thermals. i got off work and i was going to antoinette's. i talked to him and let him go since he seemed preoccupied. i got some food and headed to antoinette's when he told me i was welcome to come by. i think i was trying to imply to drop off his mouth piece since i just saw him the day before and i didn't want to seem excessive. i made up an excuse and made a U-turn to his place. i know, i know. i'm not the poster-child for choosing friends over lovers.
as i drive to his place, i warn him of how i look. i walk towards him and i eat my jollibee while he watches tv. i let him taste the filipino spagjetti but he is a bit hesitant at first. he goes and takes a shower and he swears he will be 3 minutes because i protest it'll be too long. i tell him i need to leave in 20 minutes. he seems a bit upset but tells me he can't stop me. so he takes a quick shower and joins me in bed. i snuggle into him and for some reason i get really hot. usually i like his window closed but i was burning up. i took off my thermals and i was a bit embarassed about my mickey mouse sports bra. as i lay there and watch whatver was on the tv, he kisses me on the forehead at least twice. those times are when i think he can actually feel the way i feel about him. and that i might actually be able to love somebody again.
reading over my diary, i realize that sometimes i get so caught up in analysis and how i feel about any given situation that i forget the actual events that might be worth mentioning.
like on wednesday, i hardly talked about how i looked or how he acted. pretty much, i looked like death. i had work clothes and my thick YMCA jacket. i was wearing my victoria secrets thermals. i got off work and i was going to antoinette's. i talked to him and let him go since he seemed preoccupied. i got some food and headed to antoinette's when he told me i was welcome to come by. i think i was trying to imply to drop off his mouth piece since i just saw him the day before and i didn't want to seem excessive. i made up an excuse and made a U-turn to his place. i know, i know. i'm not the poster-child for choosing friends over lovers.
as i drive to his place, i warn him of how i look. i walk towards him and i eat my jollibee while he watches tv. i let him taste the filipino spagjetti but he is a bit hesitant at first. he goes and takes a shower and he swears he will be 3 minutes because i protest it'll be too long. i tell him i need to leave in 20 minutes. he seems a bit upset but tells me he can't stop me. so he takes a quick shower and joins me in bed. i snuggle into him and for some reason i get really hot. usually i like his window closed but i was burning up. i took off my thermals and i was a bit embarassed about my mickey mouse sports bra. as i lay there and watch whatver was on the tv, he kisses me on the forehead at least twice. those times are when i think he can actually feel the way i feel about him. and that i might actually be able to love somebody again.
this heart of mine was broken at 8:25:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, February 15, 2008
ugh
Dear heart,
i feel... ugh right now. i didn't want to see him but since he texted me that he was going to hang out with avery tonight, i don't know- something inside me is almost jealous, incredulous, and suspicious. i want to distance myself from him. i want to tell him to not call me for awhile. i want him to just go away. i don't want to think about him or hear from him but without pushing him completely away in case i change my mind later. i just won't call. how about that! ok!
i feel... ugh right now. i didn't want to see him but since he texted me that he was going to hang out with avery tonight, i don't know- something inside me is almost jealous, incredulous, and suspicious. i want to distance myself from him. i want to tell him to not call me for awhile. i want him to just go away. i don't want to think about him or hear from him but without pushing him completely away in case i change my mind later. i just won't call. how about that! ok!
this heart of mine was broken at 10:57:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, February 14, 2008
trying not to freak out about valentines day
Dear heart,
ok i don't know why james is being so weird about valentines day. when we're around each other, i sometimes feel like he could plan something great because he likes me that much. and at the same time, i feel like i'm just expecting way too much. maybe since we aren't even together he doesn't want the pressure of valentines day. i mean, whether he does/gets me something or not does not affect how i feel about him. i like him. i love where we are. i just want some kind of acknowledgement like he might actually want to do something nice for me on a romantic day. maybe to show me that i'm not just some chick he sleeps with. i don't even care if he hand picks a flower or gives me a paperclip shaped as a heart- i'll be happy with anything.
ok so i came to his place and i was asking what he was doing tomorrow and he said he might play basketball. i asked him when he'd be done and he said he didn't know. it almost frustrated me that he'd rather play sports than leave a slot open for me on valentines day. then the kissing and holding crap makes me believe otherwise. it makes me want to believe there is something more. that he'll suprise me at work because he was asking when i went in and when i got off. i don't know. if he decides to play basketball, i'm just going to dinner with the girls. i don't want that pressure or stress of waiting for him, yet again. maybe i shouldn't call. he should call. i feel kinda anxious about this whole thing. maybe i'm putting too much faith in what we have? maybe i think there's something between us that really is only coming from my end!
i can't take this. it's making me nuts. i don't even want to think about it anymore. valentines day is a holiday invented by greeting cards so why am i letting it affect me so? ugh!
i hate that i'm still randomly picturing him showing up to my work with flowers and me actually smiling about it right now. then i just switch back and forth between that and seeing myself waiting for that moment and end up feeling more hopeless with every minute that passes that he really doesn't care about me enough to outwardly spend valentines day with me. =(
i'm done. good night.
ok i don't know why james is being so weird about valentines day. when we're around each other, i sometimes feel like he could plan something great because he likes me that much. and at the same time, i feel like i'm just expecting way too much. maybe since we aren't even together he doesn't want the pressure of valentines day. i mean, whether he does/gets me something or not does not affect how i feel about him. i like him. i love where we are. i just want some kind of acknowledgement like he might actually want to do something nice for me on a romantic day. maybe to show me that i'm not just some chick he sleeps with. i don't even care if he hand picks a flower or gives me a paperclip shaped as a heart- i'll be happy with anything.
ok so i came to his place and i was asking what he was doing tomorrow and he said he might play basketball. i asked him when he'd be done and he said he didn't know. it almost frustrated me that he'd rather play sports than leave a slot open for me on valentines day. then the kissing and holding crap makes me believe otherwise. it makes me want to believe there is something more. that he'll suprise me at work because he was asking when i went in and when i got off. i don't know. if he decides to play basketball, i'm just going to dinner with the girls. i don't want that pressure or stress of waiting for him, yet again. maybe i shouldn't call. he should call. i feel kinda anxious about this whole thing. maybe i'm putting too much faith in what we have? maybe i think there's something between us that really is only coming from my end!
i can't take this. it's making me nuts. i don't even want to think about it anymore. valentines day is a holiday invented by greeting cards so why am i letting it affect me so? ugh!
i hate that i'm still randomly picturing him showing up to my work with flowers and me actually smiling about it right now. then i just switch back and forth between that and seeing myself waiting for that moment and end up feeling more hopeless with every minute that passes that he really doesn't care about me enough to outwardly spend valentines day with me. =(
i'm done. good night.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:53:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
no one
Dear heart,
i'm glad you can't be sick of me talking about james. i just realized that even when i'm not around him, the crap coming out of my mouth is about him.
yesterday was a really bad day at work. there were a lot of kids ditching and getting caught. so i was pretty busy. i'm glad dan recognized all my hard work when he mentioned this: "do you ever see yourself? you're on the phone, on the walkie talkie and telling someone else to hold on the green walkie talkie." thank goodness someone noticed how effing hard my job is.
anyway instead of going to class, i go to james' game. he played well but they lost. he apologized for not paying much attention to me when he played. i know its because he's SO in the zone. we go to target and i go shopping for our valentines day party at work. while i was looking through some stuff, i get a call from a ringtone that i thoughgt "hmm, i really like this song." it turns out james called me to hear what his ringtone was. i was so embarassed. i told him he couldn't be near me or talk to me or look at me at the moment. OMG now he probably thinks i am so in love with him. i even told him about the poem i wrote and how much he was going to like it. i just want to tell him i got him tickets to that game he'd give his right penis for.
anyway i was just feeling down and so we went to food for less to get a naked drink since jamba or juice it up was closed. his friend dan calls and i guess his fiance breaks it off with him. james was a bit excited to get his drinking buddy back and i was scared i was going to lose my partner in crime. oh NO! everytime he mentioned how they used to go out, all i could see was them hitting on everygirl. what was he gonna say? that he was dating someone? i doubt it. but then again i can't waste my time dwelling on it and just ruining the time i do have with him.
we go back to his place and we just laugh and poke fun at each other. i sighed after sex and the city and he repeated it back to me insinuating that it had meaning. i told him he was dramatic while kissing his neck. i love how we have this baby talk voice and it makes me just want to go with whatever it is we're talking about.
when we were kissing, i kept thinking how much i loved kissing him and that liking it that much would probably prevent me from even thinking of touching my lips to anyone else without extreme guilt. i liked that he wanted me to stay. he couldn't tell me to leave. he told me i could leave from there to school. god i wish. i liked sleeping there. it was just way comfortable. i told him that i fall asleep there because its just so comfortable but i always wake up in a panic. then the one time we could sleep in without panic, we were not-so-comfortable (at brett's).
i don't know if he has this much fun with any other girl or significant other before. everything just feels right. it's like undeniable or something how utterly compatible we are and that we might actually be really good together.
ps. random memory- he thought it was cute when i called him "deafy" which meant he was deaf. and he like my made up quote of "partially right is better than not right at all and in our case, since you're not partially right, you're wrong!"
i'm glad you can't be sick of me talking about james. i just realized that even when i'm not around him, the crap coming out of my mouth is about him.
yesterday was a really bad day at work. there were a lot of kids ditching and getting caught. so i was pretty busy. i'm glad dan recognized all my hard work when he mentioned this: "do you ever see yourself? you're on the phone, on the walkie talkie and telling someone else to hold on the green walkie talkie." thank goodness someone noticed how effing hard my job is.
anyway instead of going to class, i go to james' game. he played well but they lost. he apologized for not paying much attention to me when he played. i know its because he's SO in the zone. we go to target and i go shopping for our valentines day party at work. while i was looking through some stuff, i get a call from a ringtone that i thoughgt "hmm, i really like this song." it turns out james called me to hear what his ringtone was. i was so embarassed. i told him he couldn't be near me or talk to me or look at me at the moment. OMG now he probably thinks i am so in love with him. i even told him about the poem i wrote and how much he was going to like it. i just want to tell him i got him tickets to that game he'd give his right penis for.
anyway i was just feeling down and so we went to food for less to get a naked drink since jamba or juice it up was closed. his friend dan calls and i guess his fiance breaks it off with him. james was a bit excited to get his drinking buddy back and i was scared i was going to lose my partner in crime. oh NO! everytime he mentioned how they used to go out, all i could see was them hitting on everygirl. what was he gonna say? that he was dating someone? i doubt it. but then again i can't waste my time dwelling on it and just ruining the time i do have with him.
we go back to his place and we just laugh and poke fun at each other. i sighed after sex and the city and he repeated it back to me insinuating that it had meaning. i told him he was dramatic while kissing his neck. i love how we have this baby talk voice and it makes me just want to go with whatever it is we're talking about.
when we were kissing, i kept thinking how much i loved kissing him and that liking it that much would probably prevent me from even thinking of touching my lips to anyone else without extreme guilt. i liked that he wanted me to stay. he couldn't tell me to leave. he told me i could leave from there to school. god i wish. i liked sleeping there. it was just way comfortable. i told him that i fall asleep there because its just so comfortable but i always wake up in a panic. then the one time we could sleep in without panic, we were not-so-comfortable (at brett's).
i don't know if he has this much fun with any other girl or significant other before. everything just feels right. it's like undeniable or something how utterly compatible we are and that we might actually be really good together.
ps. random memory- he thought it was cute when i called him "deafy" which meant he was deaf. and he like my made up quote of "partially right is better than not right at all and in our case, since you're not partially right, you're wrong!"
this heart of mine was broken at 10:27:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, February 11, 2008
good idea? bad idea!
Dear heart,
after wicked, we go to brett's house for a sleepover. we watch movies but for some reason i am particularly NOT in the mood for their joking. i actually feel like crying and i blame it on my upcoming period. i just snuggle into james quietly.
then we got this crappy seat to sleep on and i guess he was upset about having to sleep there. i try to touch him but he wasn't even getting hard at first. he kept thinking of how he was going to explain this to me but his reason was that he was mad, not at me but at the couch, brett, and being uncomfortable.
after wicked, we go to brett's house for a sleepover. we watch movies but for some reason i am particularly NOT in the mood for their joking. i actually feel like crying and i blame it on my upcoming period. i just snuggle into james quietly.
then we got this crappy seat to sleep on and i guess he was upset about having to sleep there. i try to touch him but he wasn't even getting hard at first. he kept thinking of how he was going to explain this to me but his reason was that he was mad, not at me but at the couch, brett, and being uncomfortable.
this heart of mine was broken at 10:56:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
spending a day with james
Dear heart,
friday i spent the evening with antoinette. she was late and so i ended up talking on the phone with james. he was just going to stay home on a friday night. i figure, if he's seeing some other chick that would be the night to go out with her. anyway, i watch atonement with anty and it was SUCH a depressing movie. oh GOD it made me so mad. i drove home all depressed and pissed off. i stay up a little and finally went to bed around 2 or 3 in the morning.
i got a call from him around 8:45. he kept asking what i was doing that day and that he wanted to wait until 9 to call. that's cute how he almost couldn't wait to talk to me since he called me earlier than that. i invite him to my house so i go pick him up. he wanted to go get a haircut first so we went to some place by his house. he said it's been 2 years since he got his hair cut in a barber shop. he "needed my help." he wanted me to tell the lady how i wanted her to cut his hair. it was so weird and cute and relationship-y of us. when she was almost done, she asked ME if the haircut was ok. i was a little uncomfortable and unsure of what i was supposed to say cuz i mean, it was HIS hair. i just nod. he laughs because he said it was funny that the lady didn't know who to ask: him or me. that's a lot of power to give me. i got to shape his hair. that must mean SOMEthing. at least that my opinion matters.
then we drove home to pick up my sister and we go to wingstop. he pays for the food and i buy rice. then we go back to my place and play some video games. it was fun. melanie left to the other room and we fool around. when we were done, i was ready to go. he goes with me to best buy and then to the mall to get my phone. i love walking while holding his hand. he might not be that attractive but the fact that i probably love him, i think he is SO hot! this guy from att who i only gave my number to because he said he was going to tell me when this pink phone came in asked me last week if he could text or call me to get to know me better. i was all hugging james, making sure that guy knew i was semi-taken. i kept playing with my phone and i guess he hated the lack of attention. even though he'd be looking at shoes, he'd notice me not paying attention to him and we'd move on.
after everything we head to his place. he had this idea where if i went to play basketball with him, we'd watch a movie and i could pick whatever it was. on our way to his house to pick up his basketball clothes, he called his mom for no reason telling her that he basically spent the day with me and that he went with me to get my phone etc. it was cool that he just said my name and she knew who it was, well cuz she knows me but it just seemed so... familiar. that people are supposed to know me now. realizing i was spending the day with him gave me a good feeling. it was our first time actually doing that.
he changed and we went to some park near his house. he gave me sweats, a sweater, and a blanket. i was still cold. i read a book and explored my phone as he played ball. he was really good. afterwards, i could sense his eagerness of my approval. "did you watch me at least? i'm pretty good, right?" =D something like that. so then we go eat pho and maybe it was cuz i was hight but DAMN that was so good. i had another embarassing moment. i start singing that chris brown song "with you" not realizing the outside seating had no plastic to at least block out a bit of my volume. he was all "yeah there's no cover." i hate it! i am always so embarassing with him!
we go back to his place and we lay around for a bit but he says he needs to shower. i kinda like how he leaves me in his room. i always reach for him and he'll come back to give me a tender little kiss. SO cute! i guess i fall asleep cuz when i wake up he is watching 300 and is laying beside me. i ask him why he didn't wake me and he said i was sleeping. that i was snoring but his voice sounded like "aww." he kept asking why i was embarassed. his voiced cooed and he would randomly kiss me. he even let me hug this money his daughter gave him for fathers day. he was about to go to the bathroom and i was hugging it and he told me i could hold it but not too long or he'd get jealous, then takes it back immediately with a just kidding.
i love how he treats me. i think we do it like one and a half times and we fall asleep. i wake up and it is too late, yet again. i am SO dead. he puts his alarm for 7 and we keep snoozing it. there was a miscommunication where he says something about alarming it for 7:15 and i take it as him saying that was the time. then we kept snoozing for "5 more minutes" until it was way late and i was like "why did you not make me LEAVE?!"
each day i spend with him just makes me realize how i wouldn't mind just being with him already. what would be the difference with how we are right now? maybe i'd be different... so i guess i can say i like where we are now. *sigh i just don't know how to get the best of both worlds. i want security but also the nonchalantness and unconfrontational we are in this freedom...
but yes. saturday was the best day ever!
friday i spent the evening with antoinette. she was late and so i ended up talking on the phone with james. he was just going to stay home on a friday night. i figure, if he's seeing some other chick that would be the night to go out with her. anyway, i watch atonement with anty and it was SUCH a depressing movie. oh GOD it made me so mad. i drove home all depressed and pissed off. i stay up a little and finally went to bed around 2 or 3 in the morning.
i got a call from him around 8:45. he kept asking what i was doing that day and that he wanted to wait until 9 to call. that's cute how he almost couldn't wait to talk to me since he called me earlier than that. i invite him to my house so i go pick him up. he wanted to go get a haircut first so we went to some place by his house. he said it's been 2 years since he got his hair cut in a barber shop. he "needed my help." he wanted me to tell the lady how i wanted her to cut his hair. it was so weird and cute and relationship-y of us. when she was almost done, she asked ME if the haircut was ok. i was a little uncomfortable and unsure of what i was supposed to say cuz i mean, it was HIS hair. i just nod. he laughs because he said it was funny that the lady didn't know who to ask: him or me. that's a lot of power to give me. i got to shape his hair. that must mean SOMEthing. at least that my opinion matters.
then we drove home to pick up my sister and we go to wingstop. he pays for the food and i buy rice. then we go back to my place and play some video games. it was fun. melanie left to the other room and we fool around. when we were done, i was ready to go. he goes with me to best buy and then to the mall to get my phone. i love walking while holding his hand. he might not be that attractive but the fact that i probably love him, i think he is SO hot! this guy from att who i only gave my number to because he said he was going to tell me when this pink phone came in asked me last week if he could text or call me to get to know me better. i was all hugging james, making sure that guy knew i was semi-taken. i kept playing with my phone and i guess he hated the lack of attention. even though he'd be looking at shoes, he'd notice me not paying attention to him and we'd move on.
after everything we head to his place. he had this idea where if i went to play basketball with him, we'd watch a movie and i could pick whatever it was. on our way to his house to pick up his basketball clothes, he called his mom for no reason telling her that he basically spent the day with me and that he went with me to get my phone etc. it was cool that he just said my name and she knew who it was, well cuz she knows me but it just seemed so... familiar. that people are supposed to know me now. realizing i was spending the day with him gave me a good feeling. it was our first time actually doing that.
he changed and we went to some park near his house. he gave me sweats, a sweater, and a blanket. i was still cold. i read a book and explored my phone as he played ball. he was really good. afterwards, i could sense his eagerness of my approval. "did you watch me at least? i'm pretty good, right?" =D something like that. so then we go eat pho and maybe it was cuz i was hight but DAMN that was so good. i had another embarassing moment. i start singing that chris brown song "with you" not realizing the outside seating had no plastic to at least block out a bit of my volume. he was all "yeah there's no cover." i hate it! i am always so embarassing with him!
we go back to his place and we lay around for a bit but he says he needs to shower. i kinda like how he leaves me in his room. i always reach for him and he'll come back to give me a tender little kiss. SO cute! i guess i fall asleep cuz when i wake up he is watching 300 and is laying beside me. i ask him why he didn't wake me and he said i was sleeping. that i was snoring but his voice sounded like "aww." he kept asking why i was embarassed. his voiced cooed and he would randomly kiss me. he even let me hug this money his daughter gave him for fathers day. he was about to go to the bathroom and i was hugging it and he told me i could hold it but not too long or he'd get jealous, then takes it back immediately with a just kidding.
i love how he treats me. i think we do it like one and a half times and we fall asleep. i wake up and it is too late, yet again. i am SO dead. he puts his alarm for 7 and we keep snoozing it. there was a miscommunication where he says something about alarming it for 7:15 and i take it as him saying that was the time. then we kept snoozing for "5 more minutes" until it was way late and i was like "why did you not make me LEAVE?!"
each day i spend with him just makes me realize how i wouldn't mind just being with him already. what would be the difference with how we are right now? maybe i'd be different... so i guess i can say i like where we are now. *sigh i just don't know how to get the best of both worlds. i want security but also the nonchalantness and unconfrontational we are in this freedom...
but yes. saturday was the best day ever!
this heart of mine was broken at 12:21:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, February 09, 2008
thank god i hold off on my insanities
Dear heart,
so last post he said he was going to call me back. but didn't. i fell asleep but woke up at 12 to find no missed call and i was thoroughly upset. i cried and pouted in bed mumbling things about being sick of it and how i'm so over him. i wake up with still some crappy feelings but did some work before heading to work since i had a lot going on that day. i end up getting a text from him: "Want to go for a walk on the beach?" i'm thinking WTF?! he decides to forget to call me last night and all of a sudden tries to be mildly romantic?! i don't get it!
i guess he didn't have work so he told me he'd take the bus to long beach and meet me there. we TRIED long beach but it smelled like sewer so we just decided to eat. we ate at the taqueria and he thought the food was good. i warned him that last time ordering the chile verde burrito made my *ss bleed. he said i must be really comfortable with him to share something like that. i'm not sure if that was necessarily a good or bad thing.
then he went with me to go site shopping. it was cute though, like we were a couple. i don't think i've had that much fun grocery shopping ever! i told him he had his "white tendencies" when he kept using the shopping cart as a skateboard-like gadget. i like switching who gets to push the cart, or pushing it together, pulling when he is riding it, and even pushing it while i ride it.
we go to starbucks and my dramatic side wished vince was there to see this. then we pick up some uniforms from the gym. he stays in the car. i take really long and i guess i "ruined" his suprise of having a wicked song ready to play for me. he says "see deep down inside i can be romantic even though it doesn't seem like it." somewhere in my heart i cross my fingers that it comes out for valentines day. i drop him off near my school and i am already supposed to be at work! we had an important site visit that day but i was effing around with james!!!
i met jim who was going to be our campaign captain. we were dressed as superheroes for that kick-off dinner. then i call james and i come over. we go to a burger place and food for less while i am STILL wearing my costume! we go back to his place and i try to explain to his mom in passing why i looked the way i did. we go upstairs to his room and watch tv. we watch 300 and smoke a little. i hate when i do that cuz i get so tired and so i woke up at 4 in the morning and drove home. i was just so lazy and i was going to not even stay that late but OF COURSE i did. either way, i had an awesome day with him.
so last post he said he was going to call me back. but didn't. i fell asleep but woke up at 12 to find no missed call and i was thoroughly upset. i cried and pouted in bed mumbling things about being sick of it and how i'm so over him. i wake up with still some crappy feelings but did some work before heading to work since i had a lot going on that day. i end up getting a text from him: "Want to go for a walk on the beach?" i'm thinking WTF?! he decides to forget to call me last night and all of a sudden tries to be mildly romantic?! i don't get it!
i guess he didn't have work so he told me he'd take the bus to long beach and meet me there. we TRIED long beach but it smelled like sewer so we just decided to eat. we ate at the taqueria and he thought the food was good. i warned him that last time ordering the chile verde burrito made my *ss bleed. he said i must be really comfortable with him to share something like that. i'm not sure if that was necessarily a good or bad thing.
then he went with me to go site shopping. it was cute though, like we were a couple. i don't think i've had that much fun grocery shopping ever! i told him he had his "white tendencies" when he kept using the shopping cart as a skateboard-like gadget. i like switching who gets to push the cart, or pushing it together, pulling when he is riding it, and even pushing it while i ride it.
we go to starbucks and my dramatic side wished vince was there to see this. then we pick up some uniforms from the gym. he stays in the car. i take really long and i guess i "ruined" his suprise of having a wicked song ready to play for me. he says "see deep down inside i can be romantic even though it doesn't seem like it." somewhere in my heart i cross my fingers that it comes out for valentines day. i drop him off near my school and i am already supposed to be at work! we had an important site visit that day but i was effing around with james!!!
i met jim who was going to be our campaign captain. we were dressed as superheroes for that kick-off dinner. then i call james and i come over. we go to a burger place and food for less while i am STILL wearing my costume! we go back to his place and i try to explain to his mom in passing why i looked the way i did. we go upstairs to his room and watch tv. we watch 300 and smoke a little. i hate when i do that cuz i get so tired and so i woke up at 4 in the morning and drove home. i was just so lazy and i was going to not even stay that late but OF COURSE i did. either way, i had an awesome day with him.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:40:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
can i give him initiative by not calling?
Dear heart,
last night i want to his house after school. we watched 300. he died his hair black and i love it. i love when he looks at me when i watch tv and he brushesmy bangs to the side, away from my eyes. i love that we poke fun at each other about everything and how i can be a total weirdo with him and he can find it amusing. during the ending credits of 300, there was some chanting that i decided to mock and do weird hand movements. when i realized what i had done, i got so embarassed. it was something i'd do in front of family or antoinette who already know that i am a strange one. but he thought it was so funny. i apologize and he says, "no, that was so funny." but in an appreciative tone. then i say something about it being enya and he said he was just thinking it and made me feel so smart and witty.
it's kinda bugging me because i have been doing most of the calling or asking to hang out. he answers or calls me back but there is a lack of intitiative again. anyway i call him and he said he'd call me back cuz he was eating. i'm glad he picked up the phone but it made me wonder who he was eating with. then he calls me 15minutes later saying he was about to hop in the shower and that he wanted to tell me and that if he could call me after. i like him being considerate but how about some initiative?!
last night i want to his house after school. we watched 300. he died his hair black and i love it. i love when he looks at me when i watch tv and he brushesmy bangs to the side, away from my eyes. i love that we poke fun at each other about everything and how i can be a total weirdo with him and he can find it amusing. during the ending credits of 300, there was some chanting that i decided to mock and do weird hand movements. when i realized what i had done, i got so embarassed. it was something i'd do in front of family or antoinette who already know that i am a strange one. but he thought it was so funny. i apologize and he says, "no, that was so funny." but in an appreciative tone. then i say something about it being enya and he said he was just thinking it and made me feel so smart and witty.
it's kinda bugging me because i have been doing most of the calling or asking to hang out. he answers or calls me back but there is a lack of intitiative again. anyway i call him and he said he'd call me back cuz he was eating. i'm glad he picked up the phone but it made me wonder who he was eating with. then he calls me 15minutes later saying he was about to hop in the shower and that he wanted to tell me and that if he could call me after. i like him being considerate but how about some initiative?!
this heart of mine was broken at 10:47:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, February 03, 2008
underneath it all
Dear heart,
despite my efforts to mask my feminine tendencies, i have come to realize that i am just like any other person in this world who wants to find love and keep it for the rest of your life. i guess it doesn't matter if i ever get married, have kids, or any of that. i just want a partner in my life that i love romantically, physically, emotionally, and mentally. no matter how many men i go through out of boredom, fear, or just plain rejection- i have faith that there is someone out there for me who won't be in it just to hurt me. some nice guy that can actually make me a better person rather than get irritated of them and eventually taking them for granted.
i don't know if its because he is the only candidate, but james just suprises me sometimes. there are really moments where i don't understand why we aren't together. i have so much fun with him! every conversation we have is this seamless intricacy of witty jokes, daily occurances, or just deep moral/ethical issues. then we're around each other and i literally feel like i'm high. him being around me just makes me feel good and giddy and... well, just happy. i don't know if i make him feel anything close to that and most of the time i try to hide the fact that he affects me that much, but its there.
it's gotten to that scary portion where even though i wanted to, i couldn't just walk away from this unscathed.
despite my efforts to mask my feminine tendencies, i have come to realize that i am just like any other person in this world who wants to find love and keep it for the rest of your life. i guess it doesn't matter if i ever get married, have kids, or any of that. i just want a partner in my life that i love romantically, physically, emotionally, and mentally. no matter how many men i go through out of boredom, fear, or just plain rejection- i have faith that there is someone out there for me who won't be in it just to hurt me. some nice guy that can actually make me a better person rather than get irritated of them and eventually taking them for granted.
i don't know if its because he is the only candidate, but james just suprises me sometimes. there are really moments where i don't understand why we aren't together. i have so much fun with him! every conversation we have is this seamless intricacy of witty jokes, daily occurances, or just deep moral/ethical issues. then we're around each other and i literally feel like i'm high. him being around me just makes me feel good and giddy and... well, just happy. i don't know if i make him feel anything close to that and most of the time i try to hide the fact that he affects me that much, but its there.
it's gotten to that scary portion where even though i wanted to, i couldn't just walk away from this unscathed.
this heart of mine was broken at 9:33:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
best night ever and worst morning to wake up to
Dear heart,
last night we went to boomers in irvine. omg it was so fun. we get there and we do batting cages. i am actually good at fast softball pitches! he gets in trouble for not wearing a helmet. while i was hitting those softball pitches, some fat white chicks started talking to him. it got me pissed and my hands hurt from the lack of gripping the bat. then he hits it and he's really good. i felt good to know that those idiots were drooling over him and he was gonna go home with me and give me some.
then we go to the car, smoke a little, then go-kart racing. i was behind some slow ass asian person and he swears that he won the race. it was fun though. after we climb those wall things james went on the hardest level and he did really well but didn't make it to the top. some girls behind us were saying that "your boyfriend is spiderman." it secretly made me proud inside. i didn't reply back to them. i just cheer him on warning him that he can't give up or he'll never forgive himself. when he gets down, he keeps looking up longingly. i had to take him by the hand and lead him to where i was going to climb. i actually made it to the top. i didn't have too much trouble getting up there but it was still a nice rush. i love that he tells me he's proud of me.
after we go laser tagging and some stupid high school kids are being annoying in front of us. then we go laser tagging with some girls and i have to admit i was a bit jealous of the comraderie. they even took a picture of him which made me look away cuz it annoyed me a bit. then we go inside and eat mcdonalds. i think some security guard who was telling james to put on a helmet was in LOVE with him. then we play some videogames like that snowmobile ride, basketball, the bowling thing, and air hockey. when he was putting the tokens for air hockey, he randomly kissed me all passionately. we exchange our tickets for tokens. i got a glow in the dark ring and he got a parachute guy and a praying mantis. we go back to the car to smoke more before bowling. unfortunately there was a 4 person minimum per lane.
i'm sure he spent a lot of money. i think the only thing i spent money on was the baseball tokens and i only got away with that because he was in the cages when i bought it. he wasn't there to stop me. we go back to his place and i think we watch frequency. i wasn't paying much attention to it because i was super high. we do it like a million times and it felt amazing! we fell asleep and i woke up at 6:30. i should have left but we do it AGAIN and i just pass out right away. i wake up again at 9:30 and i have 4 missed calls from my mom with a threatening text. i lay around till about 11:30. we try to come up with excuses as to how i didn't come home last night. well, it was mostly me trying to throw out reasons and james being the logic, telling me they won't believe that.
there was a momentary drawback to my faith in him. hanging on his mirror is a golden heart necklace. i doubt it belongs to him and if it was his mom's, why would it be in there? could it be some other girl's? was i really foolish enough to think i was the only one?
then when i leave to go to my car, james' mom is downstairs!!! so the first time i meet her, i have a bad case of sex hair. and to think, this woman only knows me from the noises i make at night in her sons bedroom. it's been 3 months. but she says she's heard a lot of good things about me. i don't know if that's something polite to say or he really talks about me. we briefly mention the cd i made her and about good taste in music for liking norah jones. it was the worst though! i looked like death, and i'm barely meeting her after coming to her house so many damn times. it was just a bad situation. now i am hungry but don't wanna face everyone who knows i didn't come home last night.
last night we went to boomers in irvine. omg it was so fun. we get there and we do batting cages. i am actually good at fast softball pitches! he gets in trouble for not wearing a helmet. while i was hitting those softball pitches, some fat white chicks started talking to him. it got me pissed and my hands hurt from the lack of gripping the bat. then he hits it and he's really good. i felt good to know that those idiots were drooling over him and he was gonna go home with me and give me some.
then we go to the car, smoke a little, then go-kart racing. i was behind some slow ass asian person and he swears that he won the race. it was fun though. after we climb those wall things james went on the hardest level and he did really well but didn't make it to the top. some girls behind us were saying that "your boyfriend is spiderman." it secretly made me proud inside. i didn't reply back to them. i just cheer him on warning him that he can't give up or he'll never forgive himself. when he gets down, he keeps looking up longingly. i had to take him by the hand and lead him to where i was going to climb. i actually made it to the top. i didn't have too much trouble getting up there but it was still a nice rush. i love that he tells me he's proud of me.
after we go laser tagging and some stupid high school kids are being annoying in front of us. then we go laser tagging with some girls and i have to admit i was a bit jealous of the comraderie. they even took a picture of him which made me look away cuz it annoyed me a bit. then we go inside and eat mcdonalds. i think some security guard who was telling james to put on a helmet was in LOVE with him. then we play some videogames like that snowmobile ride, basketball, the bowling thing, and air hockey. when he was putting the tokens for air hockey, he randomly kissed me all passionately. we exchange our tickets for tokens. i got a glow in the dark ring and he got a parachute guy and a praying mantis. we go back to the car to smoke more before bowling. unfortunately there was a 4 person minimum per lane.
i'm sure he spent a lot of money. i think the only thing i spent money on was the baseball tokens and i only got away with that because he was in the cages when i bought it. he wasn't there to stop me. we go back to his place and i think we watch frequency. i wasn't paying much attention to it because i was super high. we do it like a million times and it felt amazing! we fell asleep and i woke up at 6:30. i should have left but we do it AGAIN and i just pass out right away. i wake up again at 9:30 and i have 4 missed calls from my mom with a threatening text. i lay around till about 11:30. we try to come up with excuses as to how i didn't come home last night. well, it was mostly me trying to throw out reasons and james being the logic, telling me they won't believe that.
there was a momentary drawback to my faith in him. hanging on his mirror is a golden heart necklace. i doubt it belongs to him and if it was his mom's, why would it be in there? could it be some other girl's? was i really foolish enough to think i was the only one?
then when i leave to go to my car, james' mom is downstairs!!! so the first time i meet her, i have a bad case of sex hair. and to think, this woman only knows me from the noises i make at night in her sons bedroom. it's been 3 months. but she says she's heard a lot of good things about me. i don't know if that's something polite to say or he really talks about me. we briefly mention the cd i made her and about good taste in music for liking norah jones. it was the worst though! i looked like death, and i'm barely meeting her after coming to her house so many damn times. it was just a bad situation. now i am hungry but don't wanna face everyone who knows i didn't come home last night.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:44:00 PM
1 people tried to mend this shattered heart
1 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, February 01, 2008
valentine poem: under construction
Dear heart,
instead of a card from the supermart
i decided to make you one from the heart
it didn't cost nothing, it wasn't store bought
it
how do i say this without sounding cheesy
or tell you what's up without sounding easy
i knew right then since the first time met
instead of a card from the supermart
i decided to make you one from the heart
it didn't cost nothing, it wasn't store bought
it
how do i say this without sounding cheesy
or tell you what's up without sounding easy
i knew right then since the first time met
this heart of mine was broken at 8:16:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
a telltale signs of lameness: a checklist update
Dear heart,
i have officially accepted the fact that i am THAT into james. i can finally surrender to the lameness of knowing i am ready for a relationship with him if he so chooses.
there was some model looking guy in my comm 330 class and he gave me his number. the thing is i would never use it recreationally, just educationally. when it comes down to it, i would choose james over anyone. hot or gorgeous, tall or medium, buff or skinny, thug or GQ, rich or starving student, if they aren't james then they don't matter.
i just think how they won't make me feel the way he does which is an effortless caring and vulnerability that feels safe. i can't walk away from them the way i do when i leave him which is disappointment that i can't continue spending time with him at that moment but realize i just had the best time of my life doing whatever it is because it was with him.
i just know now that i don't want anyone else but him. kissing, holding someone's hand, or other romantic gestures seem pointles with other people. i can live off his smiles and knowing i caused them. i can drown in his laughter and feel like i can sink deep into him forever.
[X] does saying "i love you, james" just roll of my tongue? can i imagine myself ever saying that to him?
YES! sometimes i say it out loud in the car after i leave him or when we get off the phone.
[] can i picture myself getting physical with him and be content with it for the rest of the year?
[] looking forward 5, 10, even 40 years from now, can i picture myself with him? could i stand it that long?
i can see myself with him. i can see us having problems with the daughter issue and baby momma drama, but i am willing to work it out with him because he is so worth it.
[] would i really survive having to witness annoying habit here every day of my life?
his flakiness makes me want to shoot him or stop talking to him forever but as a flake myself, sometimes flaking on someone doesn't necessarily reflect your feelings. it could signify cowardice, laziness, or opportunistic choices.
[] what would my family think if i took him to a family party?
he seems friendly enough so i'm sure he'd get along great with everyone. i'd just be scared to bring up that he has a daughter.
[] am i the only one who finds him attractive or will my friends approve?
according to anty, he isn't ugly but he's not hot. to me, i think he is so sexy. i try to look at him objectively but i can see the james i know and love. to me he's good-looking, but his heart just makes him look like gold.
[] do i like him enough NOT to cheat on him (ever)?
honestly, yes.
i wish i could tell him all this. almost like a congratulations. i honestly have not had this kind of enlightenment since mario. that was almost 2 years ago and even then it was an impulse realization that was premature to make. i have been dating james since october and although things were rocky in the beginning, it's evolved to this do-able concoction. even the troy thing was a little forced. i felt a lot of pressure from him. this james epiphany seemed too natural and so right. will he ever want to be with me or will he too miss his door opening like most guys lucky enough to be given the chance?
i have officially accepted the fact that i am THAT into james. i can finally surrender to the lameness of knowing i am ready for a relationship with him if he so chooses.
there was some model looking guy in my comm 330 class and he gave me his number. the thing is i would never use it recreationally, just educationally. when it comes down to it, i would choose james over anyone. hot or gorgeous, tall or medium, buff or skinny, thug or GQ, rich or starving student, if they aren't james then they don't matter.
i just think how they won't make me feel the way he does which is an effortless caring and vulnerability that feels safe. i can't walk away from them the way i do when i leave him which is disappointment that i can't continue spending time with him at that moment but realize i just had the best time of my life doing whatever it is because it was with him.
i just know now that i don't want anyone else but him. kissing, holding someone's hand, or other romantic gestures seem pointles with other people. i can live off his smiles and knowing i caused them. i can drown in his laughter and feel like i can sink deep into him forever.
[X] does saying "i love you, james" just roll of my tongue? can i imagine myself ever saying that to him?
YES! sometimes i say it out loud in the car after i leave him or when we get off the phone.
[] can i picture myself getting physical with him and be content with it for the rest of the year?
[] looking forward 5, 10, even 40 years from now, can i picture myself with him? could i stand it that long?
i can see myself with him. i can see us having problems with the daughter issue and baby momma drama, but i am willing to work it out with him because he is so worth it.
[] would i really survive having to witness annoying habit here every day of my life?
his flakiness makes me want to shoot him or stop talking to him forever but as a flake myself, sometimes flaking on someone doesn't necessarily reflect your feelings. it could signify cowardice, laziness, or opportunistic choices.
[] what would my family think if i took him to a family party?
he seems friendly enough so i'm sure he'd get along great with everyone. i'd just be scared to bring up that he has a daughter.
[] am i the only one who finds him attractive or will my friends approve?
according to anty, he isn't ugly but he's not hot. to me, i think he is so sexy. i try to look at him objectively but i can see the james i know and love. to me he's good-looking, but his heart just makes him look like gold.
[] do i like him enough NOT to cheat on him (ever)?
honestly, yes.
i wish i could tell him all this. almost like a congratulations. i honestly have not had this kind of enlightenment since mario. that was almost 2 years ago and even then it was an impulse realization that was premature to make. i have been dating james since october and although things were rocky in the beginning, it's evolved to this do-able concoction. even the troy thing was a little forced. i felt a lot of pressure from him. this james epiphany seemed too natural and so right. will he ever want to be with me or will he too miss his door opening like most guys lucky enough to be given the chance?
this heart of mine was broken at 9:52:00 PM
1 people tried to mend this shattered heart
1 people tried to mend this shattered heart
already starting bad habits
Dear heart,
so i was supposed to work out this morning according to my schedule but i got caught up on the computer and totally didn't do it. plus i had this thing where i was supposed to be home BY 11 because i have class at 8 that i cannot be late for. what time is it? it's like 3 in the morning and i fell asleep at james' house. i finally woke up at 2 but i swear i wanted to just lay there with him. and he smelled SO good today too. we watched shooter and it was pretty good from what i saw. i was wearing work clothes and i warned him on the phone that i was ugly. he pretended to change his mind about me coming over. when he saw me, he said "ugly? get out of here." i know it was nothing special and there were no major events but i always feel like i just had the best time of my life. i honestly can't remember the last person i felt that for or the last time i did. but james time is consistently the opposite of disappointing. i just can't find the word. i don't even wanna mess this up with any random boy distractions.
so i was supposed to work out this morning according to my schedule but i got caught up on the computer and totally didn't do it. plus i had this thing where i was supposed to be home BY 11 because i have class at 8 that i cannot be late for. what time is it? it's like 3 in the morning and i fell asleep at james' house. i finally woke up at 2 but i swear i wanted to just lay there with him. and he smelled SO good today too. we watched shooter and it was pretty good from what i saw. i was wearing work clothes and i warned him on the phone that i was ugly. he pretended to change his mind about me coming over. when he saw me, he said "ugly? get out of here." i know it was nothing special and there were no major events but i always feel like i just had the best time of my life. i honestly can't remember the last person i felt that for or the last time i did. but james time is consistently the opposite of disappointing. i just can't find the word. i don't even wanna mess this up with any random boy distractions.
this heart of mine was broken at 3:13:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
the knowing
Dear heart,
it was always my favorite in my ap english class.
a poem by sharon olds:
Afterwards, when we have slept, paradise-
comaed, and woken, we lie a long time
looking at each other.
I do not know what he sees, but I see
eyes of surpassing tenderness
and calm, a calm like the dignity
of matter. I love the open ocean
Blue-grey-green of his iris, I love
the curve of it against the white,
that curve the sight of what has caused me
to come, when he's quite still, deep
inside me. I have never seen a curve
like that, except the earth from outer
space. I don't know where he got
his kindness without self-regard,
almost without self, and yet
he chose one woman, instead of the others.
By knowing him, I get to know
the piruty of the animal
which mates for life. Sometimes he is slighlty
smiling, but mostly he just gazes at me gazing,
his entire face lit. I love
to see it change if I cry- there is no worry,
no pity, a graver radiance. If we
are on our backs, side to side,
with our faces turned fully to face each other,
I can hear a tear from my lower eye
hit the sheet, as if it is an early day on earth,
and then the upper eye's tears
braid the sluice down through the lower eyebrow
like the invention of farming, irrigation, a non-nomadic people.
I am so lucky that I know him.
This is the only way to know him.
I am the only one who knows him.
When I wake again, he is still looking at me,
as if he is eternal. For an hour
we wake and doze, and slowly I know
that though we are sated, though we are hardly
touching, this is the coming the other
coming brought us to the edge of- we are entering,
deeper and deeper, gaze by gaze,
this place beyond the other places,
beyond the body itself, we are making
love.
it was always my favorite in my ap english class.
a poem by sharon olds:
Afterwards, when we have slept, paradise-
comaed, and woken, we lie a long time
looking at each other.
I do not know what he sees, but I see
eyes of surpassing tenderness
and calm, a calm like the dignity
of matter. I love the open ocean
Blue-grey-green of his iris, I love
the curve of it against the white,
that curve the sight of what has caused me
to come, when he's quite still, deep
inside me. I have never seen a curve
like that, except the earth from outer
space. I don't know where he got
his kindness without self-regard,
almost without self, and yet
he chose one woman, instead of the others.
By knowing him, I get to know
the piruty of the animal
which mates for life. Sometimes he is slighlty
smiling, but mostly he just gazes at me gazing,
his entire face lit. I love
to see it change if I cry- there is no worry,
no pity, a graver radiance. If we
are on our backs, side to side,
with our faces turned fully to face each other,
I can hear a tear from my lower eye
hit the sheet, as if it is an early day on earth,
and then the upper eye's tears
braid the sluice down through the lower eyebrow
like the invention of farming, irrigation, a non-nomadic people.
I am so lucky that I know him.
This is the only way to know him.
I am the only one who knows him.
When I wake again, he is still looking at me,
as if he is eternal. For an hour
we wake and doze, and slowly I know
that though we are sated, though we are hardly
touching, this is the coming the other
coming brought us to the edge of- we are entering,
deeper and deeper, gaze by gaze,
this place beyond the other places,
beyond the body itself, we are making
love.
this heart of mine was broken at 9:54:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
am i being too much?
Dear heart,
i expected to see him today because i had no school after work but i guess he played some league game in oceanside. before then, i texted him about coming by and got no reply. this is when i start getting my panties in a twist. but then i called him around 12 after my nap and he picks up. his mood was significantly better and he didn't sound like he did yesterday. i love him sharing stories because it makes me comfortable to share my random anecdotes.
we were discussing our ice skating experience and i told him how i hated being bad at things. i always felt and looked like i was going to fall. but all my complaining was turned upside down when he was like "but you looked cute on the ice." i guess that's all that really matters. even though my skills weren't impressing him, at least he still appreciated my effort.
but i feel like since saturday, i've been a little too much. first of all, i sang him a song, made his mom a cd, and have been the one who calls. i need to control myself a little more because it's when i do this that i come off as needy and i scare guys away or have them start taking me for granted. i just need to tone down my efforts. it's hard though when i like someone. all i want to do is see them or make them happy with random acts or gifts. but i realize that guys respond to neglect because he'll feel the thrill of "the chase."
valentines day is coming up and i seriously wonder if he'll get me anything or if we're doing anything. i know i have class but i hope he won't use that as an excuse to go do something else. if he does something, then he's into me in that way that could progress into something more. if not, then he's still kinda into me but not like i want it to be. do girls always have these little ultimatums in their head? there are so many things he can do to make me happy... where it ranges from "that's cool. you remembered!" to "OMG i freaking almost love you!" i hate when i think of the possibilites because i can be so disgustingly romantic and i, not expect, but have high hopes for people to match my creativity.
From least to greatest:
1 . . . texting me a happy valentines day
2 . . . calling me to wish me happy valentines day
3 . . . spending time with me
4 . . . having a card for me when i come over
5 . . . having a flower or a stuffed animal waiting for me at his place
6 . . . flowers when i see him
7 . . . flowers sent to my work
8 . . . he has dinner plans for us: either out or he cooks
9 . . . does something cheestastic like sing for me
10 . . . (needs a paragraph so see below)
this is my ultimate valentines day fantasy. first he sends flowers to my work, it doesn't matter what kind as long as school staff and my staff see someone cares about me. we have plans for dinner and he greets me with a bouquet of multicolored gerber daisies. then we have a converation about our "situation" and he decides to make it offical. i play the uncertainty card and tell him i need to think about it even though i am screaming yes in my head. we go back to his place and waiting on his bed for me there is either a stuffed animal, or random little gift that has some special meaning to us, or a card that spills his guts. we make love at least twice and then we do our bathroom routine that i have come to look forward to and love. we listen to romantic music while having our normal random conversations about everything while he holds me and kisses the back of my shoulders or my neck. i stay till the last possible moment where i can still go home before my mom gets up for work. then while he kisses me goodbye at my car, i tell him i want to be with him. OMG! that would be the best valentines day ever!
when i read it over, i want to laugh because i know it'll never happen. nothing even slightly close to that would happen. with my luck, he'd probably go see his daughter that day and spend valentines day with two females more important than me. i think i wouldn't be upset if that happened, just extremely disappointed. maybe utterly devastated too but hey. whatever right? i am in no relationship so there are no obligations. and maybe in some ways its a good thing. i think i'd be heartbroken if he was my boyfriend and yet he can't/didn't spend valentines day with me. maybe its all for the best.
this is always how things pan out for me. i start thinking of the best possible outcome and accepting that it will probably never happen. then i go by worst case scenarios and go off that.
i think i need to take a step back. school and work are way more important than some uncertain almost-relationship.
i expected to see him today because i had no school after work but i guess he played some league game in oceanside. before then, i texted him about coming by and got no reply. this is when i start getting my panties in a twist. but then i called him around 12 after my nap and he picks up. his mood was significantly better and he didn't sound like he did yesterday. i love him sharing stories because it makes me comfortable to share my random anecdotes.
we were discussing our ice skating experience and i told him how i hated being bad at things. i always felt and looked like i was going to fall. but all my complaining was turned upside down when he was like "but you looked cute on the ice." i guess that's all that really matters. even though my skills weren't impressing him, at least he still appreciated my effort.
but i feel like since saturday, i've been a little too much. first of all, i sang him a song, made his mom a cd, and have been the one who calls. i need to control myself a little more because it's when i do this that i come off as needy and i scare guys away or have them start taking me for granted. i just need to tone down my efforts. it's hard though when i like someone. all i want to do is see them or make them happy with random acts or gifts. but i realize that guys respond to neglect because he'll feel the thrill of "the chase."
valentines day is coming up and i seriously wonder if he'll get me anything or if we're doing anything. i know i have class but i hope he won't use that as an excuse to go do something else. if he does something, then he's into me in that way that could progress into something more. if not, then he's still kinda into me but not like i want it to be. do girls always have these little ultimatums in their head? there are so many things he can do to make me happy... where it ranges from "that's cool. you remembered!" to "OMG i freaking almost love you!" i hate when i think of the possibilites because i can be so disgustingly romantic and i, not expect, but have high hopes for people to match my creativity.
From least to greatest:
1 . . . texting me a happy valentines day
2 . . . calling me to wish me happy valentines day
3 . . . spending time with me
4 . . . having a card for me when i come over
5 . . . having a flower or a stuffed animal waiting for me at his place
6 . . . flowers when i see him
7 . . . flowers sent to my work
8 . . . he has dinner plans for us: either out or he cooks
9 . . . does something cheestastic like sing for me
10 . . . (needs a paragraph so see below)
this is my ultimate valentines day fantasy. first he sends flowers to my work, it doesn't matter what kind as long as school staff and my staff see someone cares about me. we have plans for dinner and he greets me with a bouquet of multicolored gerber daisies. then we have a converation about our "situation" and he decides to make it offical. i play the uncertainty card and tell him i need to think about it even though i am screaming yes in my head. we go back to his place and waiting on his bed for me there is either a stuffed animal, or random little gift that has some special meaning to us, or a card that spills his guts. we make love at least twice and then we do our bathroom routine that i have come to look forward to and love. we listen to romantic music while having our normal random conversations about everything while he holds me and kisses the back of my shoulders or my neck. i stay till the last possible moment where i can still go home before my mom gets up for work. then while he kisses me goodbye at my car, i tell him i want to be with him. OMG! that would be the best valentines day ever!
when i read it over, i want to laugh because i know it'll never happen. nothing even slightly close to that would happen. with my luck, he'd probably go see his daughter that day and spend valentines day with two females more important than me. i think i wouldn't be upset if that happened, just extremely disappointed. maybe utterly devastated too but hey. whatever right? i am in no relationship so there are no obligations. and maybe in some ways its a good thing. i think i'd be heartbroken if he was my boyfriend and yet he can't/didn't spend valentines day with me. maybe its all for the best.
this is always how things pan out for me. i start thinking of the best possible outcome and accepting that it will probably never happen. then i go by worst case scenarios and go off that.
i think i need to take a step back. school and work are way more important than some uncertain almost-relationship.
this heart of mine was broken at 1:48:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, January 28, 2008
two steps forward and maybe a step back?
Dear heart,
i went out with co-workers friday night and called james after to see what he was doing. i was a little bitter just because we didn't really talk that much the day before. i called him after work and he was playing basketball with brett and i was with anty. he told me to call him after our movie. i didn't end up watching the movie and called him but he didn't answer. he didn't call back that night. i call him friday morning, no answer but he calls me later and i don't pick up. he leaves me some message about missing a call from me and to change my voicemail cuz he thought it was unprofessional.
anyway, i call him and i come over. we watch the last part of rambo. we start to listen to music and he finds out that i liked norah jones and he gets all excited. he says his mom loves norah jones and that now i can hang out with his mom. after one commonality? i almost laugh because he is just all about the idea of hanging out with his mom. he asks what i'm doing next weekend and says we have to do something with her. so we lay there listening to "what am i to you" in repeat and then some kenny g. he says that no one sees this side of him. when he says things like that, i feel special but i don't give any response or show any signs that any of this is just melting my b*tch heart.
we randomly kiss but just relax. i like that he looks at me while i pretend to think about the song playing. really- i'm thinking about how he's looking at me and how every single word of that song is whispering the secret of my feelings to us. everytime i try to leave, he pulls me back. i try to leave around 4 and then we end up doing it because i realized it might be awhile till we get to again. we go do our bathroom ritual and start talking loudly about what we should do next time. suddenly we hear his mom's door slam. i felt bad. there goes the idea for next weekend.
then the next day, we go ice skating. it was colder than i anticipated and he gives me his jacket. when we say bye, he picks me up and then we kiss. today was weird though. he doesn't text or call me at all. but he does pick up when i called him later that night. except the conversation isn't the same. he seems bored or preoccupied or not as talkative.
i hate feeling like he could really be into me and that maybe sometime soon this might become something. then he just distances himself. it makes me want to distance myself too. i wish i felt less for him than what i do. i watched game plan and felt some minor animosity towards the daughter. avery will never like me and she will always want him to be with her mother. he will always love avery more than me. stacy will always have the use avery to bend james to her will. and i will always just be another girl who won't ever mean as much as all the other women in his life. ugh!
i went out with co-workers friday night and called james after to see what he was doing. i was a little bitter just because we didn't really talk that much the day before. i called him after work and he was playing basketball with brett and i was with anty. he told me to call him after our movie. i didn't end up watching the movie and called him but he didn't answer. he didn't call back that night. i call him friday morning, no answer but he calls me later and i don't pick up. he leaves me some message about missing a call from me and to change my voicemail cuz he thought it was unprofessional.
anyway, i call him and i come over. we watch the last part of rambo. we start to listen to music and he finds out that i liked norah jones and he gets all excited. he says his mom loves norah jones and that now i can hang out with his mom. after one commonality? i almost laugh because he is just all about the idea of hanging out with his mom. he asks what i'm doing next weekend and says we have to do something with her. so we lay there listening to "what am i to you" in repeat and then some kenny g. he says that no one sees this side of him. when he says things like that, i feel special but i don't give any response or show any signs that any of this is just melting my b*tch heart.
we randomly kiss but just relax. i like that he looks at me while i pretend to think about the song playing. really- i'm thinking about how he's looking at me and how every single word of that song is whispering the secret of my feelings to us. everytime i try to leave, he pulls me back. i try to leave around 4 and then we end up doing it because i realized it might be awhile till we get to again. we go do our bathroom ritual and start talking loudly about what we should do next time. suddenly we hear his mom's door slam. i felt bad. there goes the idea for next weekend.
then the next day, we go ice skating. it was colder than i anticipated and he gives me his jacket. when we say bye, he picks me up and then we kiss. today was weird though. he doesn't text or call me at all. but he does pick up when i called him later that night. except the conversation isn't the same. he seems bored or preoccupied or not as talkative.
i hate feeling like he could really be into me and that maybe sometime soon this might become something. then he just distances himself. it makes me want to distance myself too. i wish i felt less for him than what i do. i watched game plan and felt some minor animosity towards the daughter. avery will never like me and she will always want him to be with her mother. he will always love avery more than me. stacy will always have the use avery to bend james to her will. and i will always just be another girl who won't ever mean as much as all the other women in his life. ugh!
this heart of mine was broken at 12:05:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, January 24, 2008
maybe they mean something
Dear heart,
here are some random specifics i was sharing with antoinette and she feels like we should just stop beating around the bush and make it official already.
i admitted that he kinda freaked out when he saw the engagement-looking ring on my finger. he said he could have sworn it was on my ring finger. i laugh it off and say something like "oh, you didn't know?!" he luaghs too and tells me that he doesn't want to know.
:/ i interpret that as our thing being casual so he doesn't care to think about my extracurricular (or extramarital) activities
:) Antoinette says he doesn't want to hear about it cuz he doesn't want to hear about me with other guys cuz it would hurt him or something.
We have this new after-sex ritual where we go hand-in-hand to the bathroom and clean ourselves and pee in front of each other. before it was us doing this individually, taking turns to go to the bathroom. somehow it became a team effort where he pees in front of me, that was fine but then he had me pee saying he wasn't going to look but continues the conversation as i pee. then it became this almost natural part of our routine after getting it on.
:) apparantly, most couples do NOT do this. she sees this much intimacy as signs of practically being married already.
:/ I know how to differentiate comfortability and physical intimacy as opposed to emotional intimacy and relatinship progression. basically, it's not that big of a deal to me.
here are some random specifics i was sharing with antoinette and she feels like we should just stop beating around the bush and make it official already.
i admitted that he kinda freaked out when he saw the engagement-looking ring on my finger. he said he could have sworn it was on my ring finger. i laugh it off and say something like "oh, you didn't know?!" he luaghs too and tells me that he doesn't want to know.
:/ i interpret that as our thing being casual so he doesn't care to think about my extracurricular (or extramarital) activities
:) Antoinette says he doesn't want to hear about it cuz he doesn't want to hear about me with other guys cuz it would hurt him or something.
We have this new after-sex ritual where we go hand-in-hand to the bathroom and clean ourselves and pee in front of each other. before it was us doing this individually, taking turns to go to the bathroom. somehow it became a team effort where he pees in front of me, that was fine but then he had me pee saying he wasn't going to look but continues the conversation as i pee. then it became this almost natural part of our routine after getting it on.
:) apparantly, most couples do NOT do this. she sees this much intimacy as signs of practically being married already.
:/ I know how to differentiate comfortability and physical intimacy as opposed to emotional intimacy and relatinship progression. basically, it's not that big of a deal to me.
this heart of mine was broken at 10:24:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
less than three or <3
Dear heart,
i just came from james' house and we watched 3:10 to yuma. i actually cried and i think he found it adorable. we were kinda playing powerstruggle in bed by turning away and seeing who would come hug the other first. i NEVER gave in. i like that he serves me my food. i like that he just looks at me and then kisses me. i love how his lips feel against mine and how they seem to be the only thing that shakes my inner core. i like that we can laugh all the time making that time go by too damn fast. i like that we gave each other our business cards. i like that he has the post it i gave him on his fridge. i like that he knows i have a picture of him in my work folder and he didn't freak out about it. i like that he kissed me fifty thousand times tonight before i got to go inside the car. i love that he gave me a rose just before i drove off...
i just came from james' house and we watched 3:10 to yuma. i actually cried and i think he found it adorable. we were kinda playing powerstruggle in bed by turning away and seeing who would come hug the other first. i NEVER gave in. i like that he serves me my food. i like that he just looks at me and then kisses me. i love how his lips feel against mine and how they seem to be the only thing that shakes my inner core. i like that we can laugh all the time making that time go by too damn fast. i like that we gave each other our business cards. i like that he has the post it i gave him on his fridge. i like that he knows i have a picture of him in my work folder and he didn't freak out about it. i like that he kissed me fifty thousand times tonight before i got to go inside the car. i love that he gave me a rose just before i drove off...
this heart of mine was broken at 3:08:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
james version 2.1
Dear heart,
james has seriously become a completely different person this year. like... acting more like he's a boyfriend. he's become very demanding of my attention and time lately. we've seen each other more this month than the three months prior put together.
like monday i was giving him a choice on whether we should hang out that day or tuesday. he said he was selfish and would choose both days. when i came over before chicago, i was a bit tired and he ran to the liquor store for me and got me strawberry milk. he's always checking if i'm comfortable and catering to my every whim.
so i end up seeing him monday because i just came from chicago the day before. he confesses that he "actually" thought of me when i was in chicago. it sounded almost insulting but i knew it was a big deal that he thought of me. he said he thought he should tell me because he felt like he was keeping it from me or something.
so basically we watch movies and he cried AGAIN at million dollar baby. this is the second time he has cried in a movie with me. it's adorable but he's two up on me with the crying thing. he tells me about some relatives that die and how he felt about them and then soon realizes that he hadn't told even his friends how he felt about that. he was all "wow you know me more than my friends." i just stayed quiet cuz i really didn't know what to say. i just love how he babies me sometimes. i like that... and i love that its only sometimes. cuz there are times when i'm trying to get his attention. but not that night. everytime i tried to get up to leave, he'd pull me back to bed. we talked about religion and death and god-knows-what until almost 4, while having sex 3 times. haha. but hey he's quick so there was a lot of talking. i was so tired we just fell asleep and then i woke up again at 5 in the morning and he walks me to my car even though its raining.
and now he calls ALOT! it's nuts how much initiative he has now to give me a ring. i want to call him sometimes but i hold off a little and he ends up calling me. i love it. can't wait for what's more to come.
james has seriously become a completely different person this year. like... acting more like he's a boyfriend. he's become very demanding of my attention and time lately. we've seen each other more this month than the three months prior put together.
like monday i was giving him a choice on whether we should hang out that day or tuesday. he said he was selfish and would choose both days. when i came over before chicago, i was a bit tired and he ran to the liquor store for me and got me strawberry milk. he's always checking if i'm comfortable and catering to my every whim.
so i end up seeing him monday because i just came from chicago the day before. he confesses that he "actually" thought of me when i was in chicago. it sounded almost insulting but i knew it was a big deal that he thought of me. he said he thought he should tell me because he felt like he was keeping it from me or something.
so basically we watch movies and he cried AGAIN at million dollar baby. this is the second time he has cried in a movie with me. it's adorable but he's two up on me with the crying thing. he tells me about some relatives that die and how he felt about them and then soon realizes that he hadn't told even his friends how he felt about that. he was all "wow you know me more than my friends." i just stayed quiet cuz i really didn't know what to say. i just love how he babies me sometimes. i like that... and i love that its only sometimes. cuz there are times when i'm trying to get his attention. but not that night. everytime i tried to get up to leave, he'd pull me back to bed. we talked about religion and death and god-knows-what until almost 4, while having sex 3 times. haha. but hey he's quick so there was a lot of talking. i was so tired we just fell asleep and then i woke up again at 5 in the morning and he walks me to my car even though its raining.
and now he calls ALOT! it's nuts how much initiative he has now to give me a ring. i want to call him sometimes but i hold off a little and he ends up calling me. i love it. can't wait for what's more to come.
this heart of mine was broken at 2:04:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, January 07, 2008
when have i had enough?
Dear heart,
there's a weird embalance between the happiness i feel when i am with him and the utter devestation when we are apart. it's not even missing him but his flakiness and unavailability. maybe its the thing that has kept me interested all this time but... now it's come to a point where it hurts sometimes. i don't handle missed calls well.
right now i call him and i guess he was sleeping but he answered anyway. then he said it was ok cuz he had to turn off his dvd player anyway. he told me he was thinking of calling me earlier today. that he argued with himself about it and i guess the part that did not call won. then i asked for his reason why and he said something maybe i was ___ and i couldn't hear. when i asked him to repeat himself, he just hung up. now he's not answering his phone. i don't get it.
i should just end things. he's making me want to revert to the throwing up business. i hate it. it's all i could think of. i'm too f*cking nice to him. i treat him too damn special. he's not worth it. really, no one is. does he even know how lucky he is to have someone like me? i have a good job, a car, going to school, i'm popular with the boys but all i seem to want is him. maybe i make that too obvious and he thinks he can use it against me. well, i'm not going to answer his calls if he doesn't call me back tonight.
there's a weird embalance between the happiness i feel when i am with him and the utter devestation when we are apart. it's not even missing him but his flakiness and unavailability. maybe its the thing that has kept me interested all this time but... now it's come to a point where it hurts sometimes. i don't handle missed calls well.
right now i call him and i guess he was sleeping but he answered anyway. then he said it was ok cuz he had to turn off his dvd player anyway. he told me he was thinking of calling me earlier today. that he argued with himself about it and i guess the part that did not call won. then i asked for his reason why and he said something maybe i was ___ and i couldn't hear. when i asked him to repeat himself, he just hung up. now he's not answering his phone. i don't get it.
i should just end things. he's making me want to revert to the throwing up business. i hate it. it's all i could think of. i'm too f*cking nice to him. i treat him too damn special. he's not worth it. really, no one is. does he even know how lucky he is to have someone like me? i have a good job, a car, going to school, i'm popular with the boys but all i seem to want is him. maybe i make that too obvious and he thinks he can use it against me. well, i'm not going to answer his calls if he doesn't call me back tonight.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:48:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart