Friday, March 21, 2008
being good is not so bad
Dear heart,
i genuinely like not hiding something from someone i'm dating. i like the absence of secrets and doubts about each other. i like that the only cheating happens in my nightmares. i like that i can say no to things now or at least avoid situations where i might not be able to say so. i like that we aren't hurting each other or trying to one up on how sad we can make the other person. i like that the time we spend together is filled with laughter, smiles, jokes, and affection instead of mean words, suspicion, paranoia, and tension that you can cut with a knife.
i don't ever want to ruin this. i was watching that episode in sex and the city where aidan is treating carrie like crap cuz he can't forgive her. i never want james to have to forgive me about something. i'm sure i will make mistakes or say something wrong one of these days but it never want it to be to that point where it hurts him like that. i am so happy with him. i don't think i've ever been so happy, or satisfied, or content in any relationship ever. i don't have much to complain about. it's like i finally found the balance: attractive, not a cheater, i can be good to, keeps me entertained, someone who makes my heart skip a beat, and someone who feels almost similarly (maybe).
i'm just so afraid to lose this because its so unbelievable that i can actually feel this way again about someone and not freak out. i'm being really cool about this whole thing. i'm not rushing the "what are we?" question, i'm not being all jealous or possessive, i don't even or won't trip out if he has other plans besides me because i know they are valid and it does not involve screwing someone else. i told him about my nightmare about this girl at a cruise and he said "you know i'd never do that..." and then i think he tries to save himself by adding "... without inviting you."
i wonder if he feels slightly offended that i refer to him as my friend. i know he refers to me as "joanne" which has the hidden assumption that they damn better know who the heck i am. his friends call me "the chick" which i kind of like because "the" is a direct article used for pointing out. i am THE chick, not A chick, or SOME chick. THE chick! i'm into it.
in conclusion, being faithful and not devious and not cheating is not so bad, especially when i know the guy deserves it. i honestly just want to make him happy. that's it. it sounds cheezy but his happinessn is my happiness and somehow i sense that he feels the same way and that's why this whole whatever-it-is works.
i genuinely like not hiding something from someone i'm dating. i like the absence of secrets and doubts about each other. i like that the only cheating happens in my nightmares. i like that i can say no to things now or at least avoid situations where i might not be able to say so. i like that we aren't hurting each other or trying to one up on how sad we can make the other person. i like that the time we spend together is filled with laughter, smiles, jokes, and affection instead of mean words, suspicion, paranoia, and tension that you can cut with a knife.
i don't ever want to ruin this. i was watching that episode in sex and the city where aidan is treating carrie like crap cuz he can't forgive her. i never want james to have to forgive me about something. i'm sure i will make mistakes or say something wrong one of these days but it never want it to be to that point where it hurts him like that. i am so happy with him. i don't think i've ever been so happy, or satisfied, or content in any relationship ever. i don't have much to complain about. it's like i finally found the balance: attractive, not a cheater, i can be good to, keeps me entertained, someone who makes my heart skip a beat, and someone who feels almost similarly (maybe).
i'm just so afraid to lose this because its so unbelievable that i can actually feel this way again about someone and not freak out. i'm being really cool about this whole thing. i'm not rushing the "what are we?" question, i'm not being all jealous or possessive, i don't even or won't trip out if he has other plans besides me because i know they are valid and it does not involve screwing someone else. i told him about my nightmare about this girl at a cruise and he said "you know i'd never do that..." and then i think he tries to save himself by adding "... without inviting you."
i wonder if he feels slightly offended that i refer to him as my friend. i know he refers to me as "joanne" which has the hidden assumption that they damn better know who the heck i am. his friends call me "the chick" which i kind of like because "the" is a direct article used for pointing out. i am THE chick, not A chick, or SOME chick. THE chick! i'm into it.
in conclusion, being faithful and not devious and not cheating is not so bad, especially when i know the guy deserves it. i honestly just want to make him happy. that's it. it sounds cheezy but his happinessn is my happiness and somehow i sense that he feels the same way and that's why this whole whatever-it-is works.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:26:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart