Monday, February 18, 2008
my problem
Dear heart,
i realized what the problem was. i don't tell people how i feel because i usually have bad experiences with it. it's too out-of-control for me. like with anthony and even though i told vince how i felt when it came down to it, i didn't say it. i wrote it and sometimes it comes off so strong and so unlike me. even with guys i don't end up liking that much, i can't tell them how i really feel or how i don't really feel that much for them. i just don't exaclty know how to go about telling someone exactly how i feel without feeling guilty, feeling like i might lose something, or just being so scared to hear their answer or see their reaction. but at the same time i expect them to know exactly what it is i feel and for them to feel the same exact way. then i start to resent them for not acting on what i want... because they have no idea what it is.
i feel like i try to walk on eggshells when i'm into someone. i don't want any weird uncomfortable confrontations and just act like nothing is wrong so things can always appear safe and secure when underneath the water, the currents toss and turn and are breaking apart rocks.
i'm just scared he'll miss his window. i like him. and although i'm sure someone will eventually come along to erase exactly how it is i feel right now, i want this to last. i don't want to have to look back at this or have him reminisce with me at what he missed out on. i want to be able to talk to him years from now and laugh at what he could have missed if he didn't just go for it with me. i just feel like the time between those who actually do it for me seem so long and empty. it's so hard to feel this way about people. it's difficult to find someone who does it for you and who finds that you kinda do it for them too. right now, things with james are exactlty what i want. i want him and only him. so why can't i just tell him that without feeling like i'm cornering him?
i realized what the problem was. i don't tell people how i feel because i usually have bad experiences with it. it's too out-of-control for me. like with anthony and even though i told vince how i felt when it came down to it, i didn't say it. i wrote it and sometimes it comes off so strong and so unlike me. even with guys i don't end up liking that much, i can't tell them how i really feel or how i don't really feel that much for them. i just don't exaclty know how to go about telling someone exactly how i feel without feeling guilty, feeling like i might lose something, or just being so scared to hear their answer or see their reaction. but at the same time i expect them to know exactly what it is i feel and for them to feel the same exact way. then i start to resent them for not acting on what i want... because they have no idea what it is.
i feel like i try to walk on eggshells when i'm into someone. i don't want any weird uncomfortable confrontations and just act like nothing is wrong so things can always appear safe and secure when underneath the water, the currents toss and turn and are breaking apart rocks.
i'm just scared he'll miss his window. i like him. and although i'm sure someone will eventually come along to erase exactly how it is i feel right now, i want this to last. i don't want to have to look back at this or have him reminisce with me at what he missed out on. i want to be able to talk to him years from now and laugh at what he could have missed if he didn't just go for it with me. i just feel like the time between those who actually do it for me seem so long and empty. it's so hard to feel this way about people. it's difficult to find someone who does it for you and who finds that you kinda do it for them too. right now, things with james are exactlty what i want. i want him and only him. so why can't i just tell him that without feeling like i'm cornering him?
this heart of mine was broken at 12:38:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart