Saturday, March 01, 2008
impromptu vacation
Dear heart,
I’m not even kidding… but I have fallen in love with him. The kind of feeling that shakes your inner core, both exciting and scary at the same time. I thought I was already at this point but tonight just knocked me over the edge. I don’t want to spoil the ending yet so let me start with the past three days.
Tuesday
I have a paper due for my poetry class so I make up some lame excuse at work as to why I need to leave early. I go home, work on it, and then head to class. It turns out it was due on Thursday! Ugh! That annoyed me but at the same time it was done and maybe I could improve it somehow.
After I went to Chronic Tacos and bought food for James, his friend Clay, me. They were at James’ house because they just got finished with their league game. They swear kobe is the best player in the nba. I tell them that they are in love with kobe and james says i'm jealous! We eat and then as they watch basketball, I try to study for my test. Unfortunately I started smoking and that’s always a bad idea. I end up just wanting to fall asleep. I am so tired that I suggest we don’t go to work tomorrow and go to Disneyland instead.
Two hours later, I was taking my sister to school. I text him and ask if he’s willing to call in so we could go to Disneyland. He calls me back and he said he’s about to call in. I take forever to get ready and get to his house at 10:30- half an hour late! We eat Hawaiian barbecue by his house where I spill my food all over myself. It almost got on my white shorts. Then we take the bus to Disneyland since we didn’t want to pay the minimum $10 for parking.
The first thing we go on is that California ride. I got to smell all the things he said I was going to smell like the trees, the ocean, and even the oranges! Then we go on the ride like the Big Foot Rapids ride at Knott’s. We got soaked. It was funny because he was carrying my purse and the outside got totally soaked.
Then I don’t even know how the next part happened. He was going to make me ride this really scary roller coaster. I got upset that he didn’t want to take a picture with me even after I said I would ride it. I was talking crap about riding it and he was like “so you’re not going to go skydiving with me for my birthday?” I almost wanted to say yes because I just love it when he shares things with me but I would seriously die! That was the scariest ride I have ever been on, seriously! He thought I cried but really I was just pretending to be in shock so he could feel bad. He told me he was proud of me and we kept talking about it.
While we waited for the bus, he had his shirt off and all these chicks driving by kept checking him out, I guess. I think he told me to go over there but I didn’t see the point to acting like he’s mine when I know he pretty much is. We got on the bus and some guy flagged me down to let me know there was an available seat next to him. James had a weird like I-Can’t-believe-it smile. I told him to sit next to me. I guess when I was doing that, some ok looking guy gave the guy next to me a look and nodded about me. And then the guy next to me tried to take a picture of me on his phone. SO creepy! When we were crossing the street and I was talking about how I couldn’t believe what that guy did, and he said sorry about being a cock block. And then goes on to say, “If you want me to be upset about this, let me know.” I just said it was a little late but since he brought it up, I kind of wanted a negative, semi-possessive reaction to that.
So then I study for a bit because I had a test and we kept kissing and turning each other on. I was about to leave and he was putting some underwear on that I rethought my saying no. I closed the door and he pulls down my shorts… it was AMAZING! Holy crap! So I drive to school and talk to Leilu. It made me feel special that she still considers me her girlfriend after all this time.
After my test I go watch him play basketball. I play a little and knock over my drink. Then I just talk to Leilu on the phone and when his first game was over, he said something like he was playing like a god and I’m not even watching. He’s all moody after and I ask him if he still wants me to come over or if he’s over people right now. He told me to give him a minute. He feeds me some chicken and asparagus which was SO good.
I guess I am tired from all the food that while he watches Boondock Saints, I fall asleep in his arms. I keep making threats to leave and it was really for attention purposes. I got a little upset when we were going to bed and he turned the other way. I told him he didn’t have to walk me out and I think he was hurt by that. He said he’d walk me to the door and I shake my head. What I meant to say was I don’t want to leave, make me stay. I think he got sick of me telling him no that he said “fine” or something like that and sat down. It felt like a slap in the face that I just went outside and closed his door. I wanted him to come after me but he didn’t. It was the first power struggle that I lost. I went back inside and the lights and tv were off. He was turning off the alarm he set for me at 2. There was an awkward moment of silence and I realized I need to stop acting up. This was our first almost fight.
The next day I sleep in until 1 and call him thinking he’d be at work. I wasn’t even going to call him but found that he was sitting at home bored. I suggest the beach and get ready. I finally get there and it was 2. He’s still in his weird funk and sounds kind of quiet. We look forward to eating taco bell but it was closed! WTF?! We sit at the beach but its so cold. We talk crap about each other and he randomly makes fun of me. He tries to fight with me but I tease him about being weak because of his legs.
I have the great idea of charo chicken but in the end he still wants his taco bell. We go in his room and eat our food while watching transformers. I have him alarm it for 6 so I can go to class. I don’t know how we started fooling around but I was all over him when we were done. He walks me to my car and I suggest playing basketball later because he told me earlier “I can’t believe you played basketball without me.”
I go to my poetry class and all we do is turn in our papers. I call him right after and he’s watching tv and tells me I can come over or come by if I want. Sweet! I go there and first we watch some basketball game. We lay around a bit because his bed is just so damn comfortable and having him there holding me makes it worse. We finally get ready for basketball and I drop him off so I can buy a jamba. The chick tells me its closed 2 minutes before its 9. I went to starbucks instead. When I get there, first we play “PIG” and I win! Then we do a one on one and I totally lose. We do our free throw average thing and he got 6 out of 10 and I could only do 2. It was fun playing with him. We walk back to the car and my zipper breaks and we start cracking up. I love that I have these I-can’t-breathe laughter with him. We drove back to his place but stop at the circle K first next to is house. I get some Gatorade, orange soda, and some cheese and sour cream. I am hesitant because I don’t want my breath to smell and he told me he didn’t care if my breath smelled.
We start boondock saints yet again. When I open the bag, it smells of fart. I eat it and he has a little. When we lay down, I’m a bit embarrassed and cover my mouth with the blanket. He calls me booty breath but still tries to move my face to kiss him. It tugs at little heart strings when he’s openly showing me that it doesn’t matter my breath smells of death, especially since I’m all insecure about it. He will kiss me anyway. Then there was a point where he starts caressing my face which I can’t recall him every doing the ENTIRE face and for THAT long. Then he moves my face towards his and gives me these earth shattering kisses. My heart is pumping, my face is getting hot, and I get this scared feeling at the pit of my stomach.
We’re not even making out, just tiny kisses that include pauses where we put our foreheads together. All I could think was that I was in love. Could he feel this too? Seriously, how can you kiss someone just like that and not feel like all the walls have crumbled and its time to let the other person in? I wanted to say it. I was surprised he didn’t. I love you. God! Why is it so complicated to say crap like that?! Why didn’t he say it at that moment? Is he scared like me to fall in love or is he trying to be careful not to make what we have complicated?
I’m not even kidding… but I have fallen in love with him. The kind of feeling that shakes your inner core, both exciting and scary at the same time. I thought I was already at this point but tonight just knocked me over the edge. I don’t want to spoil the ending yet so let me start with the past three days.
Tuesday
I have a paper due for my poetry class so I make up some lame excuse at work as to why I need to leave early. I go home, work on it, and then head to class. It turns out it was due on Thursday! Ugh! That annoyed me but at the same time it was done and maybe I could improve it somehow.
After I went to Chronic Tacos and bought food for James, his friend Clay, me. They were at James’ house because they just got finished with their league game. They swear kobe is the best player in the nba. I tell them that they are in love with kobe and james says i'm jealous! We eat and then as they watch basketball, I try to study for my test. Unfortunately I started smoking and that’s always a bad idea. I end up just wanting to fall asleep. I am so tired that I suggest we don’t go to work tomorrow and go to Disneyland instead.
Two hours later, I was taking my sister to school. I text him and ask if he’s willing to call in so we could go to Disneyland. He calls me back and he said he’s about to call in. I take forever to get ready and get to his house at 10:30- half an hour late! We eat Hawaiian barbecue by his house where I spill my food all over myself. It almost got on my white shorts. Then we take the bus to Disneyland since we didn’t want to pay the minimum $10 for parking.
The first thing we go on is that California ride. I got to smell all the things he said I was going to smell like the trees, the ocean, and even the oranges! Then we go on the ride like the Big Foot Rapids ride at Knott’s. We got soaked. It was funny because he was carrying my purse and the outside got totally soaked.
Then I don’t even know how the next part happened. He was going to make me ride this really scary roller coaster. I got upset that he didn’t want to take a picture with me even after I said I would ride it. I was talking crap about riding it and he was like “so you’re not going to go skydiving with me for my birthday?” I almost wanted to say yes because I just love it when he shares things with me but I would seriously die! That was the scariest ride I have ever been on, seriously! He thought I cried but really I was just pretending to be in shock so he could feel bad. He told me he was proud of me and we kept talking about it.
While we waited for the bus, he had his shirt off and all these chicks driving by kept checking him out, I guess. I think he told me to go over there but I didn’t see the point to acting like he’s mine when I know he pretty much is. We got on the bus and some guy flagged me down to let me know there was an available seat next to him. James had a weird like I-Can’t-believe-it smile. I told him to sit next to me. I guess when I was doing that, some ok looking guy gave the guy next to me a look and nodded about me. And then the guy next to me tried to take a picture of me on his phone. SO creepy! When we were crossing the street and I was talking about how I couldn’t believe what that guy did, and he said sorry about being a cock block. And then goes on to say, “If you want me to be upset about this, let me know.” I just said it was a little late but since he brought it up, I kind of wanted a negative, semi-possessive reaction to that.
So then I study for a bit because I had a test and we kept kissing and turning each other on. I was about to leave and he was putting some underwear on that I rethought my saying no. I closed the door and he pulls down my shorts… it was AMAZING! Holy crap! So I drive to school and talk to Leilu. It made me feel special that she still considers me her girlfriend after all this time.
After my test I go watch him play basketball. I play a little and knock over my drink. Then I just talk to Leilu on the phone and when his first game was over, he said something like he was playing like a god and I’m not even watching. He’s all moody after and I ask him if he still wants me to come over or if he’s over people right now. He told me to give him a minute. He feeds me some chicken and asparagus which was SO good.
I guess I am tired from all the food that while he watches Boondock Saints, I fall asleep in his arms. I keep making threats to leave and it was really for attention purposes. I got a little upset when we were going to bed and he turned the other way. I told him he didn’t have to walk me out and I think he was hurt by that. He said he’d walk me to the door and I shake my head. What I meant to say was I don’t want to leave, make me stay. I think he got sick of me telling him no that he said “fine” or something like that and sat down. It felt like a slap in the face that I just went outside and closed his door. I wanted him to come after me but he didn’t. It was the first power struggle that I lost. I went back inside and the lights and tv were off. He was turning off the alarm he set for me at 2. There was an awkward moment of silence and I realized I need to stop acting up. This was our first almost fight.
The next day I sleep in until 1 and call him thinking he’d be at work. I wasn’t even going to call him but found that he was sitting at home bored. I suggest the beach and get ready. I finally get there and it was 2. He’s still in his weird funk and sounds kind of quiet. We look forward to eating taco bell but it was closed! WTF?! We sit at the beach but its so cold. We talk crap about each other and he randomly makes fun of me. He tries to fight with me but I tease him about being weak because of his legs.
I have the great idea of charo chicken but in the end he still wants his taco bell. We go in his room and eat our food while watching transformers. I have him alarm it for 6 so I can go to class. I don’t know how we started fooling around but I was all over him when we were done. He walks me to my car and I suggest playing basketball later because he told me earlier “I can’t believe you played basketball without me.”
I go to my poetry class and all we do is turn in our papers. I call him right after and he’s watching tv and tells me I can come over or come by if I want. Sweet! I go there and first we watch some basketball game. We lay around a bit because his bed is just so damn comfortable and having him there holding me makes it worse. We finally get ready for basketball and I drop him off so I can buy a jamba. The chick tells me its closed 2 minutes before its 9. I went to starbucks instead. When I get there, first we play “PIG” and I win! Then we do a one on one and I totally lose. We do our free throw average thing and he got 6 out of 10 and I could only do 2. It was fun playing with him. We walk back to the car and my zipper breaks and we start cracking up. I love that I have these I-can’t-breathe laughter with him. We drove back to his place but stop at the circle K first next to is house. I get some Gatorade, orange soda, and some cheese and sour cream. I am hesitant because I don’t want my breath to smell and he told me he didn’t care if my breath smelled.
We start boondock saints yet again. When I open the bag, it smells of fart. I eat it and he has a little. When we lay down, I’m a bit embarrassed and cover my mouth with the blanket. He calls me booty breath but still tries to move my face to kiss him. It tugs at little heart strings when he’s openly showing me that it doesn’t matter my breath smells of death, especially since I’m all insecure about it. He will kiss me anyway. Then there was a point where he starts caressing my face which I can’t recall him every doing the ENTIRE face and for THAT long. Then he moves my face towards his and gives me these earth shattering kisses. My heart is pumping, my face is getting hot, and I get this scared feeling at the pit of my stomach.
We’re not even making out, just tiny kisses that include pauses where we put our foreheads together. All I could think was that I was in love. Could he feel this too? Seriously, how can you kiss someone just like that and not feel like all the walls have crumbled and its time to let the other person in? I wanted to say it. I was surprised he didn’t. I love you. God! Why is it so complicated to say crap like that?! Why didn’t he say it at that moment? Is he scared like me to fall in love or is he trying to be careful not to make what we have complicated?
this heart of mine was broken at 12:45:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart