Tuesday, January 29, 2008
am i being too much?
Dear heart,
i expected to see him today because i had no school after work but i guess he played some league game in oceanside. before then, i texted him about coming by and got no reply. this is when i start getting my panties in a twist. but then i called him around 12 after my nap and he picks up. his mood was significantly better and he didn't sound like he did yesterday. i love him sharing stories because it makes me comfortable to share my random anecdotes.
we were discussing our ice skating experience and i told him how i hated being bad at things. i always felt and looked like i was going to fall. but all my complaining was turned upside down when he was like "but you looked cute on the ice." i guess that's all that really matters. even though my skills weren't impressing him, at least he still appreciated my effort.
but i feel like since saturday, i've been a little too much. first of all, i sang him a song, made his mom a cd, and have been the one who calls. i need to control myself a little more because it's when i do this that i come off as needy and i scare guys away or have them start taking me for granted. i just need to tone down my efforts. it's hard though when i like someone. all i want to do is see them or make them happy with random acts or gifts. but i realize that guys respond to neglect because he'll feel the thrill of "the chase."
valentines day is coming up and i seriously wonder if he'll get me anything or if we're doing anything. i know i have class but i hope he won't use that as an excuse to go do something else. if he does something, then he's into me in that way that could progress into something more. if not, then he's still kinda into me but not like i want it to be. do girls always have these little ultimatums in their head? there are so many things he can do to make me happy... where it ranges from "that's cool. you remembered!" to "OMG i freaking almost love you!" i hate when i think of the possibilites because i can be so disgustingly romantic and i, not expect, but have high hopes for people to match my creativity.
From least to greatest:
1 . . . texting me a happy valentines day
2 . . . calling me to wish me happy valentines day
3 . . . spending time with me
4 . . . having a card for me when i come over
5 . . . having a flower or a stuffed animal waiting for me at his place
6 . . . flowers when i see him
7 . . . flowers sent to my work
8 . . . he has dinner plans for us: either out or he cooks
9 . . . does something cheestastic like sing for me
10 . . . (needs a paragraph so see below)
this is my ultimate valentines day fantasy. first he sends flowers to my work, it doesn't matter what kind as long as school staff and my staff see someone cares about me. we have plans for dinner and he greets me with a bouquet of multicolored gerber daisies. then we have a converation about our "situation" and he decides to make it offical. i play the uncertainty card and tell him i need to think about it even though i am screaming yes in my head. we go back to his place and waiting on his bed for me there is either a stuffed animal, or random little gift that has some special meaning to us, or a card that spills his guts. we make love at least twice and then we do our bathroom routine that i have come to look forward to and love. we listen to romantic music while having our normal random conversations about everything while he holds me and kisses the back of my shoulders or my neck. i stay till the last possible moment where i can still go home before my mom gets up for work. then while he kisses me goodbye at my car, i tell him i want to be with him. OMG! that would be the best valentines day ever!
when i read it over, i want to laugh because i know it'll never happen. nothing even slightly close to that would happen. with my luck, he'd probably go see his daughter that day and spend valentines day with two females more important than me. i think i wouldn't be upset if that happened, just extremely disappointed. maybe utterly devastated too but hey. whatever right? i am in no relationship so there are no obligations. and maybe in some ways its a good thing. i think i'd be heartbroken if he was my boyfriend and yet he can't/didn't spend valentines day with me. maybe its all for the best.
this is always how things pan out for me. i start thinking of the best possible outcome and accepting that it will probably never happen. then i go by worst case scenarios and go off that.
i think i need to take a step back. school and work are way more important than some uncertain almost-relationship.
i expected to see him today because i had no school after work but i guess he played some league game in oceanside. before then, i texted him about coming by and got no reply. this is when i start getting my panties in a twist. but then i called him around 12 after my nap and he picks up. his mood was significantly better and he didn't sound like he did yesterday. i love him sharing stories because it makes me comfortable to share my random anecdotes.
we were discussing our ice skating experience and i told him how i hated being bad at things. i always felt and looked like i was going to fall. but all my complaining was turned upside down when he was like "but you looked cute on the ice." i guess that's all that really matters. even though my skills weren't impressing him, at least he still appreciated my effort.
but i feel like since saturday, i've been a little too much. first of all, i sang him a song, made his mom a cd, and have been the one who calls. i need to control myself a little more because it's when i do this that i come off as needy and i scare guys away or have them start taking me for granted. i just need to tone down my efforts. it's hard though when i like someone. all i want to do is see them or make them happy with random acts or gifts. but i realize that guys respond to neglect because he'll feel the thrill of "the chase."
valentines day is coming up and i seriously wonder if he'll get me anything or if we're doing anything. i know i have class but i hope he won't use that as an excuse to go do something else. if he does something, then he's into me in that way that could progress into something more. if not, then he's still kinda into me but not like i want it to be. do girls always have these little ultimatums in their head? there are so many things he can do to make me happy... where it ranges from "that's cool. you remembered!" to "OMG i freaking almost love you!" i hate when i think of the possibilites because i can be so disgustingly romantic and i, not expect, but have high hopes for people to match my creativity.
From least to greatest:
1 . . . texting me a happy valentines day
2 . . . calling me to wish me happy valentines day
3 . . . spending time with me
4 . . . having a card for me when i come over
5 . . . having a flower or a stuffed animal waiting for me at his place
6 . . . flowers when i see him
7 . . . flowers sent to my work
8 . . . he has dinner plans for us: either out or he cooks
9 . . . does something cheestastic like sing for me
10 . . . (needs a paragraph so see below)
this is my ultimate valentines day fantasy. first he sends flowers to my work, it doesn't matter what kind as long as school staff and my staff see someone cares about me. we have plans for dinner and he greets me with a bouquet of multicolored gerber daisies. then we have a converation about our "situation" and he decides to make it offical. i play the uncertainty card and tell him i need to think about it even though i am screaming yes in my head. we go back to his place and waiting on his bed for me there is either a stuffed animal, or random little gift that has some special meaning to us, or a card that spills his guts. we make love at least twice and then we do our bathroom routine that i have come to look forward to and love. we listen to romantic music while having our normal random conversations about everything while he holds me and kisses the back of my shoulders or my neck. i stay till the last possible moment where i can still go home before my mom gets up for work. then while he kisses me goodbye at my car, i tell him i want to be with him. OMG! that would be the best valentines day ever!
when i read it over, i want to laugh because i know it'll never happen. nothing even slightly close to that would happen. with my luck, he'd probably go see his daughter that day and spend valentines day with two females more important than me. i think i wouldn't be upset if that happened, just extremely disappointed. maybe utterly devastated too but hey. whatever right? i am in no relationship so there are no obligations. and maybe in some ways its a good thing. i think i'd be heartbroken if he was my boyfriend and yet he can't/didn't spend valentines day with me. maybe its all for the best.
this is always how things pan out for me. i start thinking of the best possible outcome and accepting that it will probably never happen. then i go by worst case scenarios and go off that.
i think i need to take a step back. school and work are way more important than some uncertain almost-relationship.
this heart of mine was broken at 1:48:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart