Thursday, February 21, 2008
all it takes
Dear heart,
lately i've been feeling antisocial and i think james absence had a lot to do with it. i am much more cheery when he is part of my sphere and when he is absent, it's like this big empty space. so i act up and alienate everyone else. i even texted myself about not wanting anything to mean something. i want to care about absolutely nothing so life can be as painless as possible. i guess i was just so over feeling- or maybe over feeling that i missed him.
i drove by his place last night and his lamp was on. but not the tv. i'm guessing he was actually sleeping and not ignoring me. i think of the worst possible scenario for everything.
work was fun today though. dan is falcon while i am cerulean panda. we did our "spy mission" and followed kids, questioned their whereabouts, etc. i just have so much fun with him. seriously the best choice as an assistant. he even said he really enjoyed working there and that he looked forward to coming to work. he is weird in such a hilarious way. he makes work pass by too quickly.
anyway i get a text from him when i'm almost off work telling me to call him when he can. it frustrated me because i was just starting to train myself not to think about him and there he was rubbing thought of him all over my brain.
i go to his place even though he is sick. while i drive there i talk to anty about dan and doing that just opens my eyes to how awesome he is. his strange obesession with tuna and rice. i love him! in a non-sexual but i do think he's hot kind of way.
so james is caughing up a storm thanks to me. i study while he watches his game. he tries to get my attention and i play hard to get. finally we kiss and he looked like he was getting chills or something. i didn't feel it this time because all i could think of was getting back to studying but kissing him always brings me down to earth about this whole thing. it reminds me of all the reasons why i stay. i genuinely like him and if staying faithful without commitment shows that, then fine. i don't want anyone else. he gave me a lollipop daisy. and he noticed that i ate hot cheetos cuz of my stained fingers. how observant!
he gave me a time limit to stop "my homework" and pay attention to him. obviously i did not honor is stupid limits but stopped when i felt ready. he tried giving me a 2 minute extension which i violated as well. starting everything was kinda hot. he was taking off my pants so i just got up and my work shirt came off, my thermals, my mickey mouse sports bra until i was stark naked. then he took everything off. we stood there by his open window breathing heavily in front of each other just ready to take the other person. god that's what i call passion!
anyway after our short liaison, we lay there and i had to leave but its always hard to leave. i asked him to be an ass and to kick me out of bed and he just asked me to stay. i like when he holds my face or supports the back of my head with his hand. i don't want anything more. i think less is more. i might be crazy wwith more... it might give the option of breaking up. and you KNOW me, when its that time of the month i always think its time to end things. maybe i need boundaries. not that i will say no if he ever asks or protest if he calls me his gf but... i'm tired of overanalizing this and worrying about it when i'm happy exactly where we are. why do we need to define this when all we really need to know is that it's working?!
now i feel my antisocialism has been lifted thanks to my guy. <- that's how i refer to him.
lately i've been feeling antisocial and i think james absence had a lot to do with it. i am much more cheery when he is part of my sphere and when he is absent, it's like this big empty space. so i act up and alienate everyone else. i even texted myself about not wanting anything to mean something. i want to care about absolutely nothing so life can be as painless as possible. i guess i was just so over feeling- or maybe over feeling that i missed him.
i drove by his place last night and his lamp was on. but not the tv. i'm guessing he was actually sleeping and not ignoring me. i think of the worst possible scenario for everything.
work was fun today though. dan is falcon while i am cerulean panda. we did our "spy mission" and followed kids, questioned their whereabouts, etc. i just have so much fun with him. seriously the best choice as an assistant. he even said he really enjoyed working there and that he looked forward to coming to work. he is weird in such a hilarious way. he makes work pass by too quickly.
anyway i get a text from him when i'm almost off work telling me to call him when he can. it frustrated me because i was just starting to train myself not to think about him and there he was rubbing thought of him all over my brain.
i go to his place even though he is sick. while i drive there i talk to anty about dan and doing that just opens my eyes to how awesome he is. his strange obesession with tuna and rice. i love him! in a non-sexual but i do think he's hot kind of way.
so james is caughing up a storm thanks to me. i study while he watches his game. he tries to get my attention and i play hard to get. finally we kiss and he looked like he was getting chills or something. i didn't feel it this time because all i could think of was getting back to studying but kissing him always brings me down to earth about this whole thing. it reminds me of all the reasons why i stay. i genuinely like him and if staying faithful without commitment shows that, then fine. i don't want anyone else. he gave me a lollipop daisy. and he noticed that i ate hot cheetos cuz of my stained fingers. how observant!
he gave me a time limit to stop "my homework" and pay attention to him. obviously i did not honor is stupid limits but stopped when i felt ready. he tried giving me a 2 minute extension which i violated as well. starting everything was kinda hot. he was taking off my pants so i just got up and my work shirt came off, my thermals, my mickey mouse sports bra until i was stark naked. then he took everything off. we stood there by his open window breathing heavily in front of each other just ready to take the other person. god that's what i call passion!
anyway after our short liaison, we lay there and i had to leave but its always hard to leave. i asked him to be an ass and to kick me out of bed and he just asked me to stay. i like when he holds my face or supports the back of my head with his hand. i don't want anything more. i think less is more. i might be crazy wwith more... it might give the option of breaking up. and you KNOW me, when its that time of the month i always think its time to end things. maybe i need boundaries. not that i will say no if he ever asks or protest if he calls me his gf but... i'm tired of overanalizing this and worrying about it when i'm happy exactly where we are. why do we need to define this when all we really need to know is that it's working?!
now i feel my antisocialism has been lifted thanks to my guy. <- that's how i refer to him.
this heart of mine was broken at 1:37:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart