Wednesday, January 30, 2008
a telltale signs of lameness: a checklist update
Dear heart,
i have officially accepted the fact that i am THAT into james. i can finally surrender to the lameness of knowing i am ready for a relationship with him if he so chooses.
there was some model looking guy in my comm 330 class and he gave me his number. the thing is i would never use it recreationally, just educationally. when it comes down to it, i would choose james over anyone. hot or gorgeous, tall or medium, buff or skinny, thug or GQ, rich or starving student, if they aren't james then they don't matter.
i just think how they won't make me feel the way he does which is an effortless caring and vulnerability that feels safe. i can't walk away from them the way i do when i leave him which is disappointment that i can't continue spending time with him at that moment but realize i just had the best time of my life doing whatever it is because it was with him.
i just know now that i don't want anyone else but him. kissing, holding someone's hand, or other romantic gestures seem pointles with other people. i can live off his smiles and knowing i caused them. i can drown in his laughter and feel like i can sink deep into him forever.
[X] does saying "i love you, james" just roll of my tongue? can i imagine myself ever saying that to him?
YES! sometimes i say it out loud in the car after i leave him or when we get off the phone.
[] can i picture myself getting physical with him and be content with it for the rest of the year?
[] looking forward 5, 10, even 40 years from now, can i picture myself with him? could i stand it that long?
i can see myself with him. i can see us having problems with the daughter issue and baby momma drama, but i am willing to work it out with him because he is so worth it.
[] would i really survive having to witness annoying habit here every day of my life?
his flakiness makes me want to shoot him or stop talking to him forever but as a flake myself, sometimes flaking on someone doesn't necessarily reflect your feelings. it could signify cowardice, laziness, or opportunistic choices.
[] what would my family think if i took him to a family party?
he seems friendly enough so i'm sure he'd get along great with everyone. i'd just be scared to bring up that he has a daughter.
[] am i the only one who finds him attractive or will my friends approve?
according to anty, he isn't ugly but he's not hot. to me, i think he is so sexy. i try to look at him objectively but i can see the james i know and love. to me he's good-looking, but his heart just makes him look like gold.
[] do i like him enough NOT to cheat on him (ever)?
honestly, yes.
i wish i could tell him all this. almost like a congratulations. i honestly have not had this kind of enlightenment since mario. that was almost 2 years ago and even then it was an impulse realization that was premature to make. i have been dating james since october and although things were rocky in the beginning, it's evolved to this do-able concoction. even the troy thing was a little forced. i felt a lot of pressure from him. this james epiphany seemed too natural and so right. will he ever want to be with me or will he too miss his door opening like most guys lucky enough to be given the chance?
i have officially accepted the fact that i am THAT into james. i can finally surrender to the lameness of knowing i am ready for a relationship with him if he so chooses.
there was some model looking guy in my comm 330 class and he gave me his number. the thing is i would never use it recreationally, just educationally. when it comes down to it, i would choose james over anyone. hot or gorgeous, tall or medium, buff or skinny, thug or GQ, rich or starving student, if they aren't james then they don't matter.
i just think how they won't make me feel the way he does which is an effortless caring and vulnerability that feels safe. i can't walk away from them the way i do when i leave him which is disappointment that i can't continue spending time with him at that moment but realize i just had the best time of my life doing whatever it is because it was with him.
i just know now that i don't want anyone else but him. kissing, holding someone's hand, or other romantic gestures seem pointles with other people. i can live off his smiles and knowing i caused them. i can drown in his laughter and feel like i can sink deep into him forever.
[X] does saying "i love you, james" just roll of my tongue? can i imagine myself ever saying that to him?
YES! sometimes i say it out loud in the car after i leave him or when we get off the phone.
[] can i picture myself getting physical with him and be content with it for the rest of the year?
[] looking forward 5, 10, even 40 years from now, can i picture myself with him? could i stand it that long?
i can see myself with him. i can see us having problems with the daughter issue and baby momma drama, but i am willing to work it out with him because he is so worth it.
[] would i really survive having to witness annoying habit here every day of my life?
his flakiness makes me want to shoot him or stop talking to him forever but as a flake myself, sometimes flaking on someone doesn't necessarily reflect your feelings. it could signify cowardice, laziness, or opportunistic choices.
[] what would my family think if i took him to a family party?
he seems friendly enough so i'm sure he'd get along great with everyone. i'd just be scared to bring up that he has a daughter.
[] am i the only one who finds him attractive or will my friends approve?
according to anty, he isn't ugly but he's not hot. to me, i think he is so sexy. i try to look at him objectively but i can see the james i know and love. to me he's good-looking, but his heart just makes him look like gold.
[] do i like him enough NOT to cheat on him (ever)?
honestly, yes.
i wish i could tell him all this. almost like a congratulations. i honestly have not had this kind of enlightenment since mario. that was almost 2 years ago and even then it was an impulse realization that was premature to make. i have been dating james since october and although things were rocky in the beginning, it's evolved to this do-able concoction. even the troy thing was a little forced. i felt a lot of pressure from him. this james epiphany seemed too natural and so right. will he ever want to be with me or will he too miss his door opening like most guys lucky enough to be given the chance?
this heart of mine was broken at 9:52:00 PM
1 people tried to mend this shattered heart
1 people tried to mend this shattered heart