Sunday, November 04, 2007
jail is a fleeting illusion... he's just not that into you!
Dear heart,
james finally calls me today where his excuse for his absence was that he was taken to jail on his supsended license charge. initially i was excited about the whole possibility of jail and him not actually ignoring me. but he was. he didn't "get locked up" until thursday. how utterly convenient! i now think that my midnight call last night gave him the courage to make up a lie and call me again. maybe before that when i stopped calling him on thursday, he might have given up assuming i would never talk to him again if he came up with any story. me calling last night when in lee's backseat while he was at the liquor store (i will hafto tell you my adventure with brenda later!) was the only reason why he called me again.
i think the whole thing has put me off to james. even when he was talking, i was rolling my eyes at random things he said that would usually amuse me. i never did that before. then i realized, he's really not worth it. i've been through this crap with michael and i don't wish to repeat the worst years of my life. i don't care if he has a nice body, i wouldn't care if he has 13-inch member which he doesn't- i still would not go through all that ever again.
i started over analyzing everything and realized that he might have been lying to me the entire time. how convenient that he lost his phone a day after we met, quit his job a week after we went out, and got his truck stolen and damaged the same weekend... now he apparantly has gone to jail as well. all these explain times where he goes missing. it seems he's digging himself into a whole. eventually he'll run out of stories or i will seriously give him props for creativity.
i'm tired of giving second chances, especially when he hasn't even asked for it. i'm really into honesty and i've made that very clear at the beginning. but if he's lying to me about a bunch of crap, i don't want to even bother. it reminds me of when i was with michael and i'd be so paranoid but then he'd make ME feel crazy for being paranoid cuz he'd have some elaborate lie to calm my nerves, making me feel my gut instincts were completely irrational. i hate that. i hate feeling crazy when i know in my heart i'm right.
i've made too many mistakes on the account of my boredom. i've wasted too much of my time due to loneliness. like in sex and the city when they ask whether it is better to fake it or be alone- i say, be alone. no stress and faking it just leads to attachment to the wrong kind of people, which will be an obstacle for possible mr. rights. i can now admit i make terrible relationship choices. i'm way too emotionally driven and i never take a pause to think about things logically. now i'm pausing.
i'm not going to lie to myself and say i'm never going to talk to james again but i'm not calling him anymore. if he wants to talk to me or hang out with me, he can ask me out. i refuse to make any effort from this point on.
i remember being so ecstatic about the jail thing but now... it's just another reason why he's so not worth it and inevitablly "he's just not that into me" after all.
james finally calls me today where his excuse for his absence was that he was taken to jail on his supsended license charge. initially i was excited about the whole possibility of jail and him not actually ignoring me. but he was. he didn't "get locked up" until thursday. how utterly convenient! i now think that my midnight call last night gave him the courage to make up a lie and call me again. maybe before that when i stopped calling him on thursday, he might have given up assuming i would never talk to him again if he came up with any story. me calling last night when in lee's backseat while he was at the liquor store (i will hafto tell you my adventure with brenda later!) was the only reason why he called me again.
i think the whole thing has put me off to james. even when he was talking, i was rolling my eyes at random things he said that would usually amuse me. i never did that before. then i realized, he's really not worth it. i've been through this crap with michael and i don't wish to repeat the worst years of my life. i don't care if he has a nice body, i wouldn't care if he has 13-inch member which he doesn't- i still would not go through all that ever again.
i started over analyzing everything and realized that he might have been lying to me the entire time. how convenient that he lost his phone a day after we met, quit his job a week after we went out, and got his truck stolen and damaged the same weekend... now he apparantly has gone to jail as well. all these explain times where he goes missing. it seems he's digging himself into a whole. eventually he'll run out of stories or i will seriously give him props for creativity.
i'm tired of giving second chances, especially when he hasn't even asked for it. i'm really into honesty and i've made that very clear at the beginning. but if he's lying to me about a bunch of crap, i don't want to even bother. it reminds me of when i was with michael and i'd be so paranoid but then he'd make ME feel crazy for being paranoid cuz he'd have some elaborate lie to calm my nerves, making me feel my gut instincts were completely irrational. i hate that. i hate feeling crazy when i know in my heart i'm right.
i've made too many mistakes on the account of my boredom. i've wasted too much of my time due to loneliness. like in sex and the city when they ask whether it is better to fake it or be alone- i say, be alone. no stress and faking it just leads to attachment to the wrong kind of people, which will be an obstacle for possible mr. rights. i can now admit i make terrible relationship choices. i'm way too emotionally driven and i never take a pause to think about things logically. now i'm pausing.
i'm not going to lie to myself and say i'm never going to talk to james again but i'm not calling him anymore. if he wants to talk to me or hang out with me, he can ask me out. i refuse to make any effort from this point on.
i remember being so ecstatic about the jail thing but now... it's just another reason why he's so not worth it and inevitablly "he's just not that into me" after all.
this heart of mine was broken at 11:02:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart