Saturday, November 10, 2007
i know
Dear heart,
guilty. that's exactly what i am. last night i went to james' house to watch some videos and actually finish up my homework for today. we watched talladega nights which had its moments but i would not consider it a really funny movie. by the end of that, i finished my project. i think he really kinda ruined the movie but unintentionally. he'd start reciting some lines that haven't come yet and i get distracted then they say it and he starts laughing while i just sit there confused. i think he was trying real hard to get some of my attention. i know that about him that he is attention whore like me. he would watch what i was doing very closely so i'd notice him watching me. or he'd stare for a long time until i looked at him. sometimes he would even lean back on me and i'd hug him but then get back to my work and he'd try leaning again. boys are seriously like children.
anyway, he could tell i wasn't as amused as he'd hoped but gave me credit for sitting through it. this is random but he bought me strawberry milk and i think it really helped to keep my spirits up throughout that movie. then i put in arrested development and i don't think he was that amused with it either. i think he was more interested in the fact that i found certain parts funny and he saw it as an opportunity to look into what kind of person i am or something.
he randomly mentions that his sister is having a birthday thing that he was invited to but that she invited stacy, avery's mom, too. he was saying how he wouldn't go and that his sister likes to start drama. i was kind of nonchalant about it but only because it made me go back to our initial problem. now i know that he lied but WHY did he lie? what would compel him to make up such an ellaborate story? what is he trying to cover up? but of course, my short attention span quickly moves on to the movie. i tell him i'm cold and he offered socks or a blanket. i took the blanket. he was holding me in bed and when the first episode ended, we just started kissing. then he excused himself to the bathroom and when he came back i had the next episode playing. it's like the first moment our lips touch before making out, i get chills. even if there was just a not-even 5 minute pause between kissing, when we kissed again my stomach had butterflies. i hate that. i can tell myself all i want that i will not fall into this guy, that i can just make him one of my disposable guys- but then he proves me a liar when he kisses me.
we have sex and he is SO strong- i love it! we're breathless and he is kissing my face and shoulders and i just breathe and look away. we put clothes on and he points out that he really likes my underwear. which reminds me i need to buy new ones cuz all of my collection has some hints of period. haha
anyway we decide to go to del taco afterwards and then i tell him i can't go back inside because it's almost 3 in the morning and i have to be at school at 8:30 in the morning. we kiss goodbye and for some reason, kissing him seems to really work for me. it makes me want to sing and curse at the same time. i smile when he leaves and the moment he closes the door, i say "f*ck! dammit!"
i can just hear the judgement from other people when i tell them what i've done and been doing. i know this because i judge me too. a part of me thinks i'm an insane moron who has very selective memory while another part is just bored and lonely who is willing to explore certain feelings.
anyway the title of this post is from a fiona apple song:
So be it, I’m your crowbar
if that’s what I am so far
until you get out of this mess.
And I will pretend
that I don’t know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I’ll know, I’ll know
And you can use my skin
to bury secrets in
and I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
while I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
I’ll know, I’ll know
Baby,I can’t help you out while she’s still around
So for the time being, I’m being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you’ll just consider this
even if it don’t make sense all the time-
give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
and you’ve early closed your curtains,
I’ll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
and pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It’s ok, don’t need to say it
... and that includes my insanity and bad decisions. to all the warnings against my behavior- i know! =P
guilty. that's exactly what i am. last night i went to james' house to watch some videos and actually finish up my homework for today. we watched talladega nights which had its moments but i would not consider it a really funny movie. by the end of that, i finished my project. i think he really kinda ruined the movie but unintentionally. he'd start reciting some lines that haven't come yet and i get distracted then they say it and he starts laughing while i just sit there confused. i think he was trying real hard to get some of my attention. i know that about him that he is attention whore like me. he would watch what i was doing very closely so i'd notice him watching me. or he'd stare for a long time until i looked at him. sometimes he would even lean back on me and i'd hug him but then get back to my work and he'd try leaning again. boys are seriously like children.
anyway, he could tell i wasn't as amused as he'd hoped but gave me credit for sitting through it. this is random but he bought me strawberry milk and i think it really helped to keep my spirits up throughout that movie. then i put in arrested development and i don't think he was that amused with it either. i think he was more interested in the fact that i found certain parts funny and he saw it as an opportunity to look into what kind of person i am or something.
he randomly mentions that his sister is having a birthday thing that he was invited to but that she invited stacy, avery's mom, too. he was saying how he wouldn't go and that his sister likes to start drama. i was kind of nonchalant about it but only because it made me go back to our initial problem. now i know that he lied but WHY did he lie? what would compel him to make up such an ellaborate story? what is he trying to cover up? but of course, my short attention span quickly moves on to the movie. i tell him i'm cold and he offered socks or a blanket. i took the blanket. he was holding me in bed and when the first episode ended, we just started kissing. then he excused himself to the bathroom and when he came back i had the next episode playing. it's like the first moment our lips touch before making out, i get chills. even if there was just a not-even 5 minute pause between kissing, when we kissed again my stomach had butterflies. i hate that. i can tell myself all i want that i will not fall into this guy, that i can just make him one of my disposable guys- but then he proves me a liar when he kisses me.
we have sex and he is SO strong- i love it! we're breathless and he is kissing my face and shoulders and i just breathe and look away. we put clothes on and he points out that he really likes my underwear. which reminds me i need to buy new ones cuz all of my collection has some hints of period. haha
anyway we decide to go to del taco afterwards and then i tell him i can't go back inside because it's almost 3 in the morning and i have to be at school at 8:30 in the morning. we kiss goodbye and for some reason, kissing him seems to really work for me. it makes me want to sing and curse at the same time. i smile when he leaves and the moment he closes the door, i say "f*ck! dammit!"
i can just hear the judgement from other people when i tell them what i've done and been doing. i know this because i judge me too. a part of me thinks i'm an insane moron who has very selective memory while another part is just bored and lonely who is willing to explore certain feelings.
anyway the title of this post is from a fiona apple song:
So be it, I’m your crowbar
if that’s what I am so far
until you get out of this mess.
And I will pretend
that I don’t know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I’ll know, I’ll know
And you can use my skin
to bury secrets in
and I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
while I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
I’ll know, I’ll know
Baby,I can’t help you out while she’s still around
So for the time being, I’m being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you’ll just consider this
even if it don’t make sense all the time-
give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
and you’ve early closed your curtains,
I’ll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
and pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It’s ok, don’t need to say it
... and that includes my insanity and bad decisions. to all the warnings against my behavior- i know! =P
this heart of mine was broken at 12:31:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart