Friday, November 09, 2007
denial is not just some river in egypt
Dear heart,
i've been taking off work lately just because i've been lacking some motivation, i guess. like they say- idle hands are the devil's playground and i guess that goes for idle time too. maybe it was driving me nuts that i got absolutely no reaction from him regarding his exposed lie. i hated to think that when i hung up on him mid-sentence was going to be the last time i talk to him.
so i'm driving to the library after i had just decided to skip work yet again and i thought of having pho. i text him: it's cold. wanna get some pho? i don't work today. i'm not really expecting a response but as i was checking out my books i saw i had a missed call from him. i call him back right away and it felt like i just met him with how we were gretting each other. i tell him i'd call him later since i was in the library.
i watch 2 movies with my sister: bee movie and 30 days of night. after i do a little homework and then james calls me telling me he just got out of school. he asked if it was too late and i didn't think it was. so i'm driving over there and for a minute i start to feel really paranoid. what if he has ill feelings towards me? what if he plans to either kidnap me, rob me, beat me up, or damage my car in some way? i call brenda and make sure she knows where he lives and where to find me if i turn up missing. so he gets in the car and he mentions about "let's take a look at that new hair." and for some reason i thought he meant his haircut, which is not as cute as before btw.
we go to the pho place and it's as if nothing has happened. he doesn't bring up anything uncomfortable and although the thought of his lies constantly run through my head, i don't mention it either. he pays and i know he's broke but i really don't care for once. when we get back to his house, i stop at where i picked him up. he looked kind of uncomfortable/disappointed/confused and said he had fun. then he suggested that i could come inside if i wanted to. it was early and i didn't really feel like calling it a night yet. it was only 10.
i'm really cold walking to his apartment. he brings me closer and i'm tucked under his arm as he rubs my exposed arm. i feel almost guilty like i just betrayed myself. it's funny though because i really felt like i distance myself enough from him to have any faith in him as a human being or hopes for us in a relationship.
so we're talking about god-knows-what in his room. i don't know exactly how i let it happen but i do remember the moment it did. we were talking and then he just dropped the hand that was supporting him and just leaned towards me. dammit! our lips met and seriously he is not the best kisser. anthony is better. chase is better. a lot of people are way better. but for some reason i get that stupid knot in my stomach. i could hear myself scream "don't" in my head. i hated how a kiss could make you a liar to yourself. so i do feel something for this liar, not that he'll ever know it.
after, it was 12 already and my dad calls me. he doesn't sound angry so i don't feel rushed to get home. we end up playing hot hands and wrestling. then we're laying down talking quietly and i'm afraid i might fall asleep so i just get up and start getting my stuff together. he starts putting his stuff on and walks me to my car. i keep a safe distance to avoid holding his hand or walking with his arms around me. i just hug him good bye and get into my car. i couldn't read the expression in his face because i just close my door and say "bye!" nonchalantly.
i seriously can't believe we went through the entire night not mentioning the pink elephant in the middle of the room.
i've been taking off work lately just because i've been lacking some motivation, i guess. like they say- idle hands are the devil's playground and i guess that goes for idle time too. maybe it was driving me nuts that i got absolutely no reaction from him regarding his exposed lie. i hated to think that when i hung up on him mid-sentence was going to be the last time i talk to him.
so i'm driving to the library after i had just decided to skip work yet again and i thought of having pho. i text him: it's cold. wanna get some pho? i don't work today. i'm not really expecting a response but as i was checking out my books i saw i had a missed call from him. i call him back right away and it felt like i just met him with how we were gretting each other. i tell him i'd call him later since i was in the library.
i watch 2 movies with my sister: bee movie and 30 days of night. after i do a little homework and then james calls me telling me he just got out of school. he asked if it was too late and i didn't think it was. so i'm driving over there and for a minute i start to feel really paranoid. what if he has ill feelings towards me? what if he plans to either kidnap me, rob me, beat me up, or damage my car in some way? i call brenda and make sure she knows where he lives and where to find me if i turn up missing. so he gets in the car and he mentions about "let's take a look at that new hair." and for some reason i thought he meant his haircut, which is not as cute as before btw.
we go to the pho place and it's as if nothing has happened. he doesn't bring up anything uncomfortable and although the thought of his lies constantly run through my head, i don't mention it either. he pays and i know he's broke but i really don't care for once. when we get back to his house, i stop at where i picked him up. he looked kind of uncomfortable/disappointed/confused and said he had fun. then he suggested that i could come inside if i wanted to. it was early and i didn't really feel like calling it a night yet. it was only 10.
i'm really cold walking to his apartment. he brings me closer and i'm tucked under his arm as he rubs my exposed arm. i feel almost guilty like i just betrayed myself. it's funny though because i really felt like i distance myself enough from him to have any faith in him as a human being or hopes for us in a relationship.
so we're talking about god-knows-what in his room. i don't know exactly how i let it happen but i do remember the moment it did. we were talking and then he just dropped the hand that was supporting him and just leaned towards me. dammit! our lips met and seriously he is not the best kisser. anthony is better. chase is better. a lot of people are way better. but for some reason i get that stupid knot in my stomach. i could hear myself scream "don't" in my head. i hated how a kiss could make you a liar to yourself. so i do feel something for this liar, not that he'll ever know it.
after, it was 12 already and my dad calls me. he doesn't sound angry so i don't feel rushed to get home. we end up playing hot hands and wrestling. then we're laying down talking quietly and i'm afraid i might fall asleep so i just get up and start getting my stuff together. he starts putting his stuff on and walks me to my car. i keep a safe distance to avoid holding his hand or walking with his arms around me. i just hug him good bye and get into my car. i couldn't read the expression in his face because i just close my door and say "bye!" nonchalantly.
i seriously can't believe we went through the entire night not mentioning the pink elephant in the middle of the room.
this heart of mine was broken at 1:14:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart