Wednesday, November 28, 2007
because i can't control how i feel
Dear heart,
i hate that vladimir is so attentive and yet i feel nothing for him. no butterflies, no excited feelings- NOTHING! don't get me wrong, the sex is fantastic! WAAAAY better than anyone in a long time. but then it's just that. we talk and i don't really care about our conversation. i am not stimulated mentally or emotionally. and he's smart. he likes movies that make you think. he's a lot like me in so many ways like pretending to sleep to avoid a question, little sayings that i thought were only popular via my mouth. he also loves to hold me and kiss me and caress me and hold my hand in the car. those are usually big plusses.
but all that doesn't matter i guess because james calls and my heart races. we hang up and i'm left with a smile on my face. james has been a bit flakey lately and i really haven't seen him since my last post about seeing him. but i talked to him yesterday and he told me about all these job interviews and the fact he has to care for his grandma and his mom who broke her foot. when i talk to james, things just flow. i don't even feel the time pass and i'm not concentrating on thinking about the next question to keep it going.
maybe i feel that way towards vladimir because i've emotionally set up defenses against him because his actions are pointed towards the homosexual bracket. or amybe its that he is hispanic and i'm always more susceptible to the white guy. they are basically the same person. they both have very fit bodies, VERY active, are quick to fight, and they both used to have trucks but is currently not driving right now. only difference is james is a pothead and an alcoholic dad who pays for everything and vladimir is a broke mexican with homosexcual tendencies who wears briefs and speedos. i need to stop faking relationships with these pointless guys. when i clearly assess the situation, i don't see myself with either of them. moreso james because he is prettier. but i don't think he feels anything for me.
i don't like feelings. i'm so over it. too complicated!
i hate that vladimir is so attentive and yet i feel nothing for him. no butterflies, no excited feelings- NOTHING! don't get me wrong, the sex is fantastic! WAAAAY better than anyone in a long time. but then it's just that. we talk and i don't really care about our conversation. i am not stimulated mentally or emotionally. and he's smart. he likes movies that make you think. he's a lot like me in so many ways like pretending to sleep to avoid a question, little sayings that i thought were only popular via my mouth. he also loves to hold me and kiss me and caress me and hold my hand in the car. those are usually big plusses.
but all that doesn't matter i guess because james calls and my heart races. we hang up and i'm left with a smile on my face. james has been a bit flakey lately and i really haven't seen him since my last post about seeing him. but i talked to him yesterday and he told me about all these job interviews and the fact he has to care for his grandma and his mom who broke her foot. when i talk to james, things just flow. i don't even feel the time pass and i'm not concentrating on thinking about the next question to keep it going.
maybe i feel that way towards vladimir because i've emotionally set up defenses against him because his actions are pointed towards the homosexual bracket. or amybe its that he is hispanic and i'm always more susceptible to the white guy. they are basically the same person. they both have very fit bodies, VERY active, are quick to fight, and they both used to have trucks but is currently not driving right now. only difference is james is a pothead and an alcoholic dad who pays for everything and vladimir is a broke mexican with homosexcual tendencies who wears briefs and speedos. i need to stop faking relationships with these pointless guys. when i clearly assess the situation, i don't see myself with either of them. moreso james because he is prettier. but i don't think he feels anything for me.
i don't like feelings. i'm so over it. too complicated!
this heart of mine was broken at 10:31:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart