Sunday, October 28, 2007
halloween haunt and its aftermaths
Dear heart,
yesterday, james and i went to halloween haunt. i can't fully recall all the other times i've gone to a halloween haunt type of amusement park but this had to be the best out of all those times. seriously.
first we went to some maze in the mystery lodge. of course i was scared but it really amused him! he would help scare! it was terrible! but the more scared i got, the more fun he looked like he was having. he even left me sometimes but not in a menacing way. it was playful and then i'd be in his arms again. standing in line was actually very entertaining. we'd be wrapped up in each other and for the longest time even after we got there, i didn't kiss him. we'd just kinda brush our noses together and breathe deeply. it was hot. he called me a tease and when i protested, he admitted that he liked it cuz it made things interesting.
he really wanted to watch a show or something so i told him we'd check the times. we go on the spider maze in the calico train. that's when we finally kissed. god! i feel it in the pit of my stomache and it reminds me how much i'm really feeling him. we get into this train with 4 really tall, according to him, gay guys. this guy offers to give me his glow stick and even after telling us they got it at the 99cent store so it was ok, james gave the guy $2 anyway. the end of that ride had the yeti thing and it freaked me out. i screamed bloody murder but it also gave me an excuse to bury my face into him. after, we watched this show and it was funny cuz it was a lot of pop culture jokes. we're both pretty short and he offers to carry me. i would actually feel comfortable and unfat if he carried me but i liked being at his level hugging him, or having him hugging me from behind, or me turning around to look at him and he'd kiss me. now that's WAY more fun than being on his shoulders. the rest of the night, i felt like i was floating like the fog that randomly came out of those dispensers. monsters and james trying to scare me, holding hands, kissing and momentarily making out in public, taking booth pictures, making jokes and stories about people, sharing things about each other, smiling, laughing, and just acting like teenagers in love. it was just so fun!
i look cheesy but he's adorable!
anyway, we go back to his place but stop at del taco first. we eat in his room and start talking on his bed. now the bad part...
so we're making out and things got a little heavy and honestly, even though i told myself i wouldn't, it really felt like the perfect time. so we do it and it's really HOT! and damn that boy's body is SMOLDERING! but then i guess i shush him, which i didn't realize, and he stops. i think he stops cuz i thought he came and that freaked me out. we're both quiet for what seemed like years and then i ask him if he came because he did not have a condom on. i seriously was freaking out. so he's still inside me and we take turns with our nervous awkward laughter. i told him i had to go to the bathroom. i go back and his clothes are on and things are just WEIRD! we're both over analyzers and we're sitting there quietly, stealing glances at each other, catching the other person holding an awkward smile. it was really bad. he says he's never had an awkward moment like this and it makes me feel like crap. he said something about changing how he feels. me being self-absored little joanne, i instantly think he's referring to me. i guess he was just rethinking his manhood for some reason. he said it would change how he feels about his performance. i just wanted to get out of there but thought things would be worse if i did cuz then we'd be left to think about it apart without the comfort of the other person.
thankfully, we lay back down comfortably with my legs on top of his. we start kissing and then we try again. thank god for that cuz the awkwardness go away. i figure nothing can get more awkward than that so we can only go up from there. i just don't want to act like such a girl. but its hard when you really like someone and you just want to be around them and be all about them. i know you can't do that and i won't. i'll keep him wanting to hold me down and keep things "interesting" for everyone. but like i said, it's gonna be hard.
i hate how much i feel for him. i thought i was above that. i can have sex and just go on my merry way, even get over it afterwards. now... he's making me feel like some dumb girl who wants to give herself to him. it's dumb and i hate being like that. i feel so out-of-control and pathetic. i guess i just won't show it. problem resolved.
yesterday, james and i went to halloween haunt. i can't fully recall all the other times i've gone to a halloween haunt type of amusement park but this had to be the best out of all those times. seriously.
first we went to some maze in the mystery lodge. of course i was scared but it really amused him! he would help scare! it was terrible! but the more scared i got, the more fun he looked like he was having. he even left me sometimes but not in a menacing way. it was playful and then i'd be in his arms again. standing in line was actually very entertaining. we'd be wrapped up in each other and for the longest time even after we got there, i didn't kiss him. we'd just kinda brush our noses together and breathe deeply. it was hot. he called me a tease and when i protested, he admitted that he liked it cuz it made things interesting.
he really wanted to watch a show or something so i told him we'd check the times. we go on the spider maze in the calico train. that's when we finally kissed. god! i feel it in the pit of my stomache and it reminds me how much i'm really feeling him. we get into this train with 4 really tall, according to him, gay guys. this guy offers to give me his glow stick and even after telling us they got it at the 99cent store so it was ok, james gave the guy $2 anyway. the end of that ride had the yeti thing and it freaked me out. i screamed bloody murder but it also gave me an excuse to bury my face into him. after, we watched this show and it was funny cuz it was a lot of pop culture jokes. we're both pretty short and he offers to carry me. i would actually feel comfortable and unfat if he carried me but i liked being at his level hugging him, or having him hugging me from behind, or me turning around to look at him and he'd kiss me. now that's WAY more fun than being on his shoulders. the rest of the night, i felt like i was floating like the fog that randomly came out of those dispensers. monsters and james trying to scare me, holding hands, kissing and momentarily making out in public, taking booth pictures, making jokes and stories about people, sharing things about each other, smiling, laughing, and just acting like teenagers in love. it was just so fun!
i look cheesy but he's adorable!
anyway, we go back to his place but stop at del taco first. we eat in his room and start talking on his bed. now the bad part...
so we're making out and things got a little heavy and honestly, even though i told myself i wouldn't, it really felt like the perfect time. so we do it and it's really HOT! and damn that boy's body is SMOLDERING! but then i guess i shush him, which i didn't realize, and he stops. i think he stops cuz i thought he came and that freaked me out. we're both quiet for what seemed like years and then i ask him if he came because he did not have a condom on. i seriously was freaking out. so he's still inside me and we take turns with our nervous awkward laughter. i told him i had to go to the bathroom. i go back and his clothes are on and things are just WEIRD! we're both over analyzers and we're sitting there quietly, stealing glances at each other, catching the other person holding an awkward smile. it was really bad. he says he's never had an awkward moment like this and it makes me feel like crap. he said something about changing how he feels. me being self-absored little joanne, i instantly think he's referring to me. i guess he was just rethinking his manhood for some reason. he said it would change how he feels about his performance. i just wanted to get out of there but thought things would be worse if i did cuz then we'd be left to think about it apart without the comfort of the other person.
thankfully, we lay back down comfortably with my legs on top of his. we start kissing and then we try again. thank god for that cuz the awkwardness go away. i figure nothing can get more awkward than that so we can only go up from there. i just don't want to act like such a girl. but its hard when you really like someone and you just want to be around them and be all about them. i know you can't do that and i won't. i'll keep him wanting to hold me down and keep things "interesting" for everyone. but like i said, it's gonna be hard.
i hate how much i feel for him. i thought i was above that. i can have sex and just go on my merry way, even get over it afterwards. now... he's making me feel like some dumb girl who wants to give herself to him. it's dumb and i hate being like that. i feel so out-of-control and pathetic. i guess i just won't show it. problem resolved.
this heart of mine was broken at 2:49:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart