Sunday, October 21, 2007
drama i deserve
Dear heart,
tonight is a projection of many days and nights to come. this morning i asked him the situation about his baby momma. he said they haven't been together since avery was born, haven't slept together since avery was 3. he says she tries to make passes at him sometimes but he always tells her no. but OF COURSE he's gonna tell me that. what is he supposed to say? "i wanna get back with her too but i'm scared she'll hurt me again." or "i make passes at her too but they are always ill-timed." this whole conversation got brought up because i guess avery was upset that he hadn't been spending a lot of time with the mother. i can understand that she wants her family to be together. that kind of outlook on it, i almost want him to get back with her so they can be a family again. i don't know why they broke up and i really don't care to know. all i was concerned about was if she was in his life now. i am really trying to focus on the present and forget about whatever happened in the past and stop worrying about what might happen in the future. anyway, he has a dream that he comes over to pick up avery and his baby momma lets him in. she goes back inside and starts sucking some guy off and tells him to sit down and she'll come in the living room. she tries to hug him but he's upset at her. that whole dream made me think first of all, why is he thinking of that? some harbored jealousy? does he miss her?
see i was getting over those details until now. he was talking to me on the train ride to avery's mom's house. i guess avery was getting bored because he had to get off after half an hour. he sent me this amazing picture of his abs. i told him to call me back when he's coming back on the train. so hour one passes, then two. i text him and usually he just calls me. he was actually texting me back. i told him about some free movie screening on tuesday via text and i was sure he'd call me back then to ensure the details. nothing. instead he texts me with "i would like that. i'll call you tomorrow." it's 8 effin 30! i know he's not going to sleep already so wtf is he doing tonight that he can't call me? he already quit his job so he has nowhere to be early in the morning.
it's obvious. he is going to stay at the baby momma's house. whether he will sleep with her sexually or physically or not, is not even the issue. the issue is if i'm ok with that whole thing. and while i'm deciding how exactly i feel about it all, a bajillion questions are running through my head. is sleeping over there normal? does he sleep on the couch or in bed with her holding her? and if he slept on the couch, would i still be ok with it? maybe he's doing it for the daughter... and maybe they are all going somewhere together as a family tomorrow since he doesn't work. i don't mind family outings. just the whole "sleeping over" thing. it's so damn intimate. we haven't even slept together. he hasn't even felt any of my skin besides my face, arms, and lower back above my butt. i don't even know what kind of underwear he wears.
i don't want to be jealous. i guess i'm more calm than i was when i first received the text. i guess i'm just afraid i'll hear from him tomorrow that he's going to try to work things out with her. i've been in a situation like that where all my paranoid thoughts came true. this happened more than one occasion. actually each time i had a aterrible feeling- i was usually 75% right. if this had to happen, i can consider myself lucky that it happened now than later.
i just finished talking to brenda and she's right. i need to stop worrying. i need to stop preaching how i should act and just do it. i'm being a silly girl. i am effin awesome and he will seriously miss out on something great if he passes me up. either way, i feel better. que sera sera. whatever will be will be.
he's already talked about me to his sister and his mom. that must mean something. you know what? i just need to stop over analyzing all this. we barely know each other. we have gone out on ONE date. what is the big deal?! i need to pump my breaks and learn to cruise. none of this speed racing crap cuz i'll just end up crashing or getting a ticket.
picture of the moment:
i didn't know that was humanly possible for us commonfolk,.
tonight is a projection of many days and nights to come. this morning i asked him the situation about his baby momma. he said they haven't been together since avery was born, haven't slept together since avery was 3. he says she tries to make passes at him sometimes but he always tells her no. but OF COURSE he's gonna tell me that. what is he supposed to say? "i wanna get back with her too but i'm scared she'll hurt me again." or "i make passes at her too but they are always ill-timed." this whole conversation got brought up because i guess avery was upset that he hadn't been spending a lot of time with the mother. i can understand that she wants her family to be together. that kind of outlook on it, i almost want him to get back with her so they can be a family again. i don't know why they broke up and i really don't care to know. all i was concerned about was if she was in his life now. i am really trying to focus on the present and forget about whatever happened in the past and stop worrying about what might happen in the future. anyway, he has a dream that he comes over to pick up avery and his baby momma lets him in. she goes back inside and starts sucking some guy off and tells him to sit down and she'll come in the living room. she tries to hug him but he's upset at her. that whole dream made me think first of all, why is he thinking of that? some harbored jealousy? does he miss her?
see i was getting over those details until now. he was talking to me on the train ride to avery's mom's house. i guess avery was getting bored because he had to get off after half an hour. he sent me this amazing picture of his abs. i told him to call me back when he's coming back on the train. so hour one passes, then two. i text him and usually he just calls me. he was actually texting me back. i told him about some free movie screening on tuesday via text and i was sure he'd call me back then to ensure the details. nothing. instead he texts me with "i would like that. i'll call you tomorrow." it's 8 effin 30! i know he's not going to sleep already so wtf is he doing tonight that he can't call me? he already quit his job so he has nowhere to be early in the morning.
it's obvious. he is going to stay at the baby momma's house. whether he will sleep with her sexually or physically or not, is not even the issue. the issue is if i'm ok with that whole thing. and while i'm deciding how exactly i feel about it all, a bajillion questions are running through my head. is sleeping over there normal? does he sleep on the couch or in bed with her holding her? and if he slept on the couch, would i still be ok with it? maybe he's doing it for the daughter... and maybe they are all going somewhere together as a family tomorrow since he doesn't work. i don't mind family outings. just the whole "sleeping over" thing. it's so damn intimate. we haven't even slept together. he hasn't even felt any of my skin besides my face, arms, and lower back above my butt. i don't even know what kind of underwear he wears.
i don't want to be jealous. i guess i'm more calm than i was when i first received the text. i guess i'm just afraid i'll hear from him tomorrow that he's going to try to work things out with her. i've been in a situation like that where all my paranoid thoughts came true. this happened more than one occasion. actually each time i had a aterrible feeling- i was usually 75% right. if this had to happen, i can consider myself lucky that it happened now than later.
i just finished talking to brenda and she's right. i need to stop worrying. i need to stop preaching how i should act and just do it. i'm being a silly girl. i am effin awesome and he will seriously miss out on something great if he passes me up. either way, i feel better. que sera sera. whatever will be will be.
he's already talked about me to his sister and his mom. that must mean something. you know what? i just need to stop over analyzing all this. we barely know each other. we have gone out on ONE date. what is the big deal?! i need to pump my breaks and learn to cruise. none of this speed racing crap cuz i'll just end up crashing or getting a ticket.
picture of the moment:
i didn't know that was humanly possible for us commonfolk,.
this heart of mine was broken at 9:51:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart