Sunday, October 21, 2007
already
Dear heart,
i think i have intimacy issues because i'm already starting to talk myself out of this guy. i have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that i really want to get rid of. it's a mixture of worry and anxiety for the unknown and "what am i getting myself into?"
i just got off the phone with him and it sucks how i can honestly say i'm laughing about 80% of the time and the 20% is when we are having deep conversations that just stimulate my morals, ideas, and perspective.
i just don't know if i'm ready for all this. we had the whole baby momma drama/avery talk. he's kinda iffy about getting into relationships because that would mean introducing her to avery and she's already been bugging him about why he and the mom aren't together. then he doesn't want her to think he's trying to replace the mom.
i had this conversation with chris yesterday and i was having the same worries. i'm not saying we're getting married but i'd be like a stepmom. then chris said something really smart. avery won't need a second mother because she already has one. all i really need to be in her life is a friend who makes her dad happy. i loved that answer because its true. just because he has a daughter doesn't mean he has to stop breathing or living or at least dating. he's still young!
but back to how i feel about the whole deal. i'm still freaking out about him for some reason. not really when i'm talking to him but after. or sometimes he'll say something that makes me think- i don't have to talk to this guy anymore. and it's not even anything serious. it's just minor confessions or flaws i feel like i won't want to deal with. i usually go through this crap at least 3-6 months later. it hasn't even been 3 weeks yet and i'm already assessing his flaws. maybe the child thing really accelerated the judgement process of this guy. i can't fool around with some guy with a child for 3 months. things are a lot more complicated with a child involved. do i really want to be put through the drama? is it a smart idea to open myself up to this guy and get emotionally invested in his situation? i could back away now. i really could. but then i TALK to him and it would be ridiculous to. he's so awesome! but then i realize too that the longer i talk to him, the more i will see how awesome he is and it might make it harder for me to just leave one day when i know i shouldn't be there. i don't know why but this whole thing is making me want to scream. it's effin stressful but i'm making it so!
i guess the two things that are kinda influencing my emotional turmoil is #1: the fact that he just quit his job like today. he said he's been thinking of working with kids for awhile now. i just don't do unemployed guys. they can't go out and i am NOT paying for them. i am no ones sugar momma. and #2 is that he's a pothead. i smoke sometimes but he smokes ALL the time. that is a major turn off and knowing me, in the longrun that would really bother me. i can smoke weed but if people i care about do it- i get all protective. it's hypocritical and annoying but it would eventually really bother me. but then i already knew that about him in the beginning and i'm not going to try to change him because i know that never works out. being jobless bothers me but it doesn't necessarily mean it'll be forever. the weed thing isn't even that big a deal. i know it won't interrupt his life, our life- whatever. i just can't get it out of my head and i can't let it stop getting to me.
knowing those 2 things, i just want to not pick up his calls anymore. it's a jerky move- i KNOW! but... how else can i do it? tell him those things bother me? i don't even wanna hear him convince me it'll be ok or even hear that he's fine with me not talking to him ever again. i don't want to hear it. i just want to forget him. but its hard. i like him. it's hard for me to walk away from crap... and even moreso when i still have feelings for the person.
i find myself constantly contradicting what i say. i want to distance myself slowly from him yet the instance he calls, i get all giddy and pick up the phone. not immediately after i talk to him but when the warm feelings go away, i start to think "i can't do it. i really can't keep this whole thing going."
maybe the answers will fall into my lap but i won't hold my breath. i really don't know what to do.
i think i have intimacy issues because i'm already starting to talk myself out of this guy. i have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that i really want to get rid of. it's a mixture of worry and anxiety for the unknown and "what am i getting myself into?"
i just got off the phone with him and it sucks how i can honestly say i'm laughing about 80% of the time and the 20% is when we are having deep conversations that just stimulate my morals, ideas, and perspective.
i just don't know if i'm ready for all this. we had the whole baby momma drama/avery talk. he's kinda iffy about getting into relationships because that would mean introducing her to avery and she's already been bugging him about why he and the mom aren't together. then he doesn't want her to think he's trying to replace the mom.
i had this conversation with chris yesterday and i was having the same worries. i'm not saying we're getting married but i'd be like a stepmom. then chris said something really smart. avery won't need a second mother because she already has one. all i really need to be in her life is a friend who makes her dad happy. i loved that answer because its true. just because he has a daughter doesn't mean he has to stop breathing or living or at least dating. he's still young!
but back to how i feel about the whole deal. i'm still freaking out about him for some reason. not really when i'm talking to him but after. or sometimes he'll say something that makes me think- i don't have to talk to this guy anymore. and it's not even anything serious. it's just minor confessions or flaws i feel like i won't want to deal with. i usually go through this crap at least 3-6 months later. it hasn't even been 3 weeks yet and i'm already assessing his flaws. maybe the child thing really accelerated the judgement process of this guy. i can't fool around with some guy with a child for 3 months. things are a lot more complicated with a child involved. do i really want to be put through the drama? is it a smart idea to open myself up to this guy and get emotionally invested in his situation? i could back away now. i really could. but then i TALK to him and it would be ridiculous to. he's so awesome! but then i realize too that the longer i talk to him, the more i will see how awesome he is and it might make it harder for me to just leave one day when i know i shouldn't be there. i don't know why but this whole thing is making me want to scream. it's effin stressful but i'm making it so!
i guess the two things that are kinda influencing my emotional turmoil is #1: the fact that he just quit his job like today. he said he's been thinking of working with kids for awhile now. i just don't do unemployed guys. they can't go out and i am NOT paying for them. i am no ones sugar momma. and #2 is that he's a pothead. i smoke sometimes but he smokes ALL the time. that is a major turn off and knowing me, in the longrun that would really bother me. i can smoke weed but if people i care about do it- i get all protective. it's hypocritical and annoying but it would eventually really bother me. but then i already knew that about him in the beginning and i'm not going to try to change him because i know that never works out. being jobless bothers me but it doesn't necessarily mean it'll be forever. the weed thing isn't even that big a deal. i know it won't interrupt his life, our life- whatever. i just can't get it out of my head and i can't let it stop getting to me.
knowing those 2 things, i just want to not pick up his calls anymore. it's a jerky move- i KNOW! but... how else can i do it? tell him those things bother me? i don't even wanna hear him convince me it'll be ok or even hear that he's fine with me not talking to him ever again. i don't want to hear it. i just want to forget him. but its hard. i like him. it's hard for me to walk away from crap... and even moreso when i still have feelings for the person.
i find myself constantly contradicting what i say. i want to distance myself slowly from him yet the instance he calls, i get all giddy and pick up the phone. not immediately after i talk to him but when the warm feelings go away, i start to think "i can't do it. i really can't keep this whole thing going."
maybe the answers will fall into my lap but i won't hold my breath. i really don't know what to do.
this heart of mine was broken at 10:24:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart