Monday, September 10, 2007
it must have been love, but its over now
Dear heart,
it's funny when you put yourself out there and just get run over by a bus. i guess my motto of "i don't do love" should remain with me. i wrote troy that letter out of frutration and pms. its like i already knew what the response would be especially how he was acting but i was just holding on for a little hope.
i watched "sex and the city" last night. the whole mr. big and aidan thing totally remind me of anthony and troy. first of all, mr. big was this aloof guy who completely broke carrie's heart and one day she just got fed up with it. similarly, anthony's non-relationship label just got old after awhile. hence enters aidan, or in my case troy. awesome guy who just loved you the way you needed to be loved. then carrie and i just screw it up! carrie slept with mr. big and i made out with some co-worker at a party. then the break up. well the episode i saw last night was this one where she sees aidan after awhile and admits that she really misses him. she blurts out that she wants to get back with him and he says "sh*t, i knew you were gonna say something like that. i was ok with the friend thing but i don't think i can do a relationship again." so anyway, she leaves and then comes back because she is sure aidan still feels the same. she awkwardly asks him why not and he screams at her "you broke my HEART!" she runs off and he's all, "carrie, wait!" next thing you know he comes over, without words they just make love. then he starts to act aloof. she repeats that she still loves him and wants him as a boyfriend. he says he needs to think of it. then the next scene is him saying ok and asks carrie to go for a walk with him and his dog.
what a big surprise my life didn't turn out like the movie. damn movie that gave me false hope. it made me think "maybe... if carrie got aidan back and she screwed the love of her life, why couldn't i get a break from a drunken kiss?" but i guess this is for the best. now i can move on. allow myself to not feel guilty if a guy happened to fall onto my lap. i know whatever it is i might fall into next won't come close to love like that. i've had relationships but really- love only happens a couple of times. in my case, i feel like this is my 1.5 times of actual love i've experienced in my life. i think the beginning with bryce was love and turned into a pile of crap. michael can't count as love although i loved him very much. whatever that was will not even come close to love. that was a twisted attachment and dependency thing. now troy- that's what love looked like. i guess most of the time i didn't want to believe it because it was so sureal. like that 80's song goes, "it must have been love, but its over now. it must have been good, but i lost it somehow." i am sad but not as torn apart as i expected to be. i guess because i was already preparing myself for its coming.
i'm glad anthony didn't "allow" me to check my text message when we were out. i think that would have really made me more eager to go home.
it's funny when you put yourself out there and just get run over by a bus. i guess my motto of "i don't do love" should remain with me. i wrote troy that letter out of frutration and pms. its like i already knew what the response would be especially how he was acting but i was just holding on for a little hope.
i watched "sex and the city" last night. the whole mr. big and aidan thing totally remind me of anthony and troy. first of all, mr. big was this aloof guy who completely broke carrie's heart and one day she just got fed up with it. similarly, anthony's non-relationship label just got old after awhile. hence enters aidan, or in my case troy. awesome guy who just loved you the way you needed to be loved. then carrie and i just screw it up! carrie slept with mr. big and i made out with some co-worker at a party. then the break up. well the episode i saw last night was this one where she sees aidan after awhile and admits that she really misses him. she blurts out that she wants to get back with him and he says "sh*t, i knew you were gonna say something like that. i was ok with the friend thing but i don't think i can do a relationship again." so anyway, she leaves and then comes back because she is sure aidan still feels the same. she awkwardly asks him why not and he screams at her "you broke my HEART!" she runs off and he's all, "carrie, wait!" next thing you know he comes over, without words they just make love. then he starts to act aloof. she repeats that she still loves him and wants him as a boyfriend. he says he needs to think of it. then the next scene is him saying ok and asks carrie to go for a walk with him and his dog.
what a big surprise my life didn't turn out like the movie. damn movie that gave me false hope. it made me think "maybe... if carrie got aidan back and she screwed the love of her life, why couldn't i get a break from a drunken kiss?" but i guess this is for the best. now i can move on. allow myself to not feel guilty if a guy happened to fall onto my lap. i know whatever it is i might fall into next won't come close to love like that. i've had relationships but really- love only happens a couple of times. in my case, i feel like this is my 1.5 times of actual love i've experienced in my life. i think the beginning with bryce was love and turned into a pile of crap. michael can't count as love although i loved him very much. whatever that was will not even come close to love. that was a twisted attachment and dependency thing. now troy- that's what love looked like. i guess most of the time i didn't want to believe it because it was so sureal. like that 80's song goes, "it must have been love, but its over now. it must have been good, but i lost it somehow." i am sad but not as torn apart as i expected to be. i guess because i was already preparing myself for its coming.
i'm glad anthony didn't "allow" me to check my text message when we were out. i think that would have really made me more eager to go home.
this heart of mine was broken at 10:21:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart