Tuesday, September 11, 2007
easier said than done
Dear heart,
i thought i accepted this whole thing. then he left and i suddenly became emotionally unstable yet again. i hate that crap. why can't i stop being such a damn girl all the time?
i went with him to metro today. he didn't even mean to but sometimes he smiles and it kills me. i forgot what he was smiling about but i had to look away because it just made me so f*cking sad. i couldn't stand it. i just thought about how i first came to love him. i didn't realize it at the time and i just figured i was crazy. i thought the vince thing was giving me nutty ideas. but that almost all-nighter we pulled in his car talking about god-knows-what made me completely confused. it made me want to see him more and more because it just felt so right to be around this stranger.
i can't cry at work. it just looks so unprofessional and psychotic. but right when his hand waved goodbye to me for the last time- it just hit me. this was the end and he was leaving- not only work but me. i never really thought that was possible. i guess i just always imagined him coming up with some heroic gesture so we could live happily ever after like we were supposed to.
i try to tell myself over and over again that i only love him as a friend now and that i have moved on. then i prove myself wrong and i realize i haven't moved at all. rather i'm just standing there looking pathetic and missing him even more. it hurts and there's a lump in my throat. i wish i knew he shared this pain because maybe that would ease it somehow. but he just seems so- like he doesn't even care about me anymore. like this whole thing doesn't even bother him. he's gonna miss me, right? am i that forgetable? am i that easy to walk away from? it doesn't even hurt him just a little? damn! tears at work again! i'm so OVER this crying at my desk bullsh*t! i'm recycling a rough paper napkin with a phone number written on it.
i am just so very devestated and i really have no one to talk to about it. i wish i could share my sorrows with someone. antoinette would just tell me to get over it. sometimes i'd talk about troy and she'd just throw up her hands in defeat like "you guys broke up!" i wouldn't be able to discuss with anthony, either. he just gets all weird about me emotional at all.
when i hugged him, i wanted to be eevie from that 90's show "out of this world" so i could stop time and i was allowed to hug him as long as i want. but i was no half alien girl. i was just me and i had to let go or i was going to give away how much i really didn't want him to go at all. i just feel so lost right now. i thought being completely busy would take my mind away from all this but when i have two seconds to myself, my thoughts are drawn back to him. it's stupid- i KNOW! it's like that divine lyric "i try to get you out of my head but the more that i try, you're back in my mind again."
possible poem ideas:
i miss him like a flower under a blanket of snow would miss the sun.
i want him like a dried up river bank longs for the rain.
break ups suck in general but losing someone you love can really shake things up. it's just so devestating. boys come and go but love really doesn't come knock on my door very often. and it couldn't even stay long. what's wrong with me? why do i ruin everything? i told troy once to never give up on me. in a way, he has.
i still remember this one time i started crying because i remembered how much michael hurt me and how lucky i was to have troy. (i hid under my desk so no one would pass by and see me cry. it was kind of silly but it worked.) i remember being cradled in his arms and i knew i wanted to stay there forever. it feels so scary to be without him. i know its possible to live without him but i don't even want to imagine it. he was the one i told all my problems to. i still want to do that and i hope he doesn't just abandon me completely. the only problem is that who do i talk to about him? not to him, obviously. i guess it will have to be you. you will return to being my only comfort. maybe that's why i haven't written in you the whole time i was with troy. because i never needed to. i shared everything with him. even when i was frustrated with him- i'd talk to him about it.
not only did i lose a boyfriend, a lover, a companion- i lost my other half, my best friend. there's this song called shirts and gloves where it says "it seems like nothings happened until i've shared them with you." that was written for troy and they didn't even know it.
i wish i was over this but it actually is easier said than done.
i thought i accepted this whole thing. then he left and i suddenly became emotionally unstable yet again. i hate that crap. why can't i stop being such a damn girl all the time?
i went with him to metro today. he didn't even mean to but sometimes he smiles and it kills me. i forgot what he was smiling about but i had to look away because it just made me so f*cking sad. i couldn't stand it. i just thought about how i first came to love him. i didn't realize it at the time and i just figured i was crazy. i thought the vince thing was giving me nutty ideas. but that almost all-nighter we pulled in his car talking about god-knows-what made me completely confused. it made me want to see him more and more because it just felt so right to be around this stranger.
i can't cry at work. it just looks so unprofessional and psychotic. but right when his hand waved goodbye to me for the last time- it just hit me. this was the end and he was leaving- not only work but me. i never really thought that was possible. i guess i just always imagined him coming up with some heroic gesture so we could live happily ever after like we were supposed to.
i try to tell myself over and over again that i only love him as a friend now and that i have moved on. then i prove myself wrong and i realize i haven't moved at all. rather i'm just standing there looking pathetic and missing him even more. it hurts and there's a lump in my throat. i wish i knew he shared this pain because maybe that would ease it somehow. but he just seems so- like he doesn't even care about me anymore. like this whole thing doesn't even bother him. he's gonna miss me, right? am i that forgetable? am i that easy to walk away from? it doesn't even hurt him just a little? damn! tears at work again! i'm so OVER this crying at my desk bullsh*t! i'm recycling a rough paper napkin with a phone number written on it.
i am just so very devestated and i really have no one to talk to about it. i wish i could share my sorrows with someone. antoinette would just tell me to get over it. sometimes i'd talk about troy and she'd just throw up her hands in defeat like "you guys broke up!" i wouldn't be able to discuss with anthony, either. he just gets all weird about me emotional at all.
when i hugged him, i wanted to be eevie from that 90's show "out of this world" so i could stop time and i was allowed to hug him as long as i want. but i was no half alien girl. i was just me and i had to let go or i was going to give away how much i really didn't want him to go at all. i just feel so lost right now. i thought being completely busy would take my mind away from all this but when i have two seconds to myself, my thoughts are drawn back to him. it's stupid- i KNOW! it's like that divine lyric "i try to get you out of my head but the more that i try, you're back in my mind again."
possible poem ideas:
i miss him like a flower under a blanket of snow would miss the sun.
i want him like a dried up river bank longs for the rain.
break ups suck in general but losing someone you love can really shake things up. it's just so devestating. boys come and go but love really doesn't come knock on my door very often. and it couldn't even stay long. what's wrong with me? why do i ruin everything? i told troy once to never give up on me. in a way, he has.
i still remember this one time i started crying because i remembered how much michael hurt me and how lucky i was to have troy. (i hid under my desk so no one would pass by and see me cry. it was kind of silly but it worked.) i remember being cradled in his arms and i knew i wanted to stay there forever. it feels so scary to be without him. i know its possible to live without him but i don't even want to imagine it. he was the one i told all my problems to. i still want to do that and i hope he doesn't just abandon me completely. the only problem is that who do i talk to about him? not to him, obviously. i guess it will have to be you. you will return to being my only comfort. maybe that's why i haven't written in you the whole time i was with troy. because i never needed to. i shared everything with him. even when i was frustrated with him- i'd talk to him about it.
not only did i lose a boyfriend, a lover, a companion- i lost my other half, my best friend. there's this song called shirts and gloves where it says "it seems like nothings happened until i've shared them with you." that was written for troy and they didn't even know it.
i wish i was over this but it actually is easier said than done.
this heart of mine was broken at 4:36:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart