Thursday, February 22, 2007
so right and so wrong
Dear heart,
anty and i end up at westminster to eat oysters because it's ash wednesday and i cannot eat meat. vince calls and when she hears his ringtone, she's all "oh what the heck?!" so i gues his phone is messed up because he can make calls but when people try to call him, it says the number is unavailable.
anyway, antoinette and i pass by his apartment but i couldn't tell if his car was there or not. so we park and she walked over there to check. one of his neighbors was all, "you checking if that cuh up there is home? checkin if his car is here to see if he's home?" antoinette starts laughing and running towards me and we scream and run to the car. we drive to my work parking lot and just talk about random stuff. my windows were open and we were being so loud. people were getting out from mass and just staring at my car.
then i was going to his place but he calls me. i ask if i can come by and he tells me he is painting. ugh!!! does he not care enough about this situaton talk to me about it? he wanted to do it over the phone but i wanted to do it in person. so we are talking about what i says when i call him, and i inform him that it plays when people change their numbers. he asked me if they changed it because of me. i was SO offended. i was quiet for a bit and then he asks me if i'm there. i say yes and then he says he has to go.
i was SO pissed off! i called antoinette and was SO ready to just go over there, ask for my camera, and never see him again. this was what i was supposed to say: "i'm just here to get my camera then i'm going to leave so this can be done." i know he told me to not come over and i would just seem more psychotic going over there. i was trying to get pumped about it because i was scared sh*tless.
i climb his steps and find that his door is open. i knock on the screen, turn my head and brace myself. i didn't hear him coming to the door and he ended up making me jump with surprise. i could feel my heart jumping out of my chest. i told him i wanted to get my camera. the other part didn't come out. he told me to come in. he got my camera and i said "ok thank you." he said to come in for a bit. so i did. he told me to come into his room. so i did. i sat on his couch. antoinette calls me and leaves a voicemail saying that she hopes i'm not sitting on his couch talking to him. i laughed because that was exavlty what i was doing. i think the laughter partly came from my nervousness.
i say something about moving my car and he tells me he needs to paint anyway, and he usually does alone. he walks me to the door and i turn around and tell him "look, we need to talk an i'd rather do it in person." so we talk.
he tells me that he knows he hasn't seen me and he's been really stressed out. he's afraid that if i think he's doing something, that i will end up doing something in retaliation. and yes, i was that type of person one but i've tried to change since our last talk. i give him my spech about surrendering control and that we can't know what the other person is doing 24/7 so we might as well not go crazy.
what i got from the whole thing is that he didn't want to worry about me so i told him not to. he said it was hard because we start getting attached when we sleep together or spend time together. i completely understand that. but i found it frustrating how he can't ever believe me that i just want him. he's so stubborn in his mindset that anything i tell him doesn't matter. he already has his opinions and anything i tell him won't change his mind.
there were many silences. so i get up and he asks me to look up some information about tattoo guns for him. he says to give it to him next time i see him. uh... i thought we were not going to see each other anymore. when he says he needs to continue to paint, i don't know how i got up the nerve to ask "so are we still going to sleep together?" he kinda laughed and said "we'd work something out."
i turn around and hug him. it was one of those i-miss-you hugs that last a really long time and both are just feeling the other person as if to try to remember what they felt like. the entire time i was thinking that i could love this guy- i really could.
anty and i end up at westminster to eat oysters because it's ash wednesday and i cannot eat meat. vince calls and when she hears his ringtone, she's all "oh what the heck?!" so i gues his phone is messed up because he can make calls but when people try to call him, it says the number is unavailable.
anyway, antoinette and i pass by his apartment but i couldn't tell if his car was there or not. so we park and she walked over there to check. one of his neighbors was all, "you checking if that cuh up there is home? checkin if his car is here to see if he's home?" antoinette starts laughing and running towards me and we scream and run to the car. we drive to my work parking lot and just talk about random stuff. my windows were open and we were being so loud. people were getting out from mass and just staring at my car.
then i was going to his place but he calls me. i ask if i can come by and he tells me he is painting. ugh!!! does he not care enough about this situaton talk to me about it? he wanted to do it over the phone but i wanted to do it in person. so we are talking about what i says when i call him, and i inform him that it plays when people change their numbers. he asked me if they changed it because of me. i was SO offended. i was quiet for a bit and then he asks me if i'm there. i say yes and then he says he has to go.
i was SO pissed off! i called antoinette and was SO ready to just go over there, ask for my camera, and never see him again. this was what i was supposed to say: "i'm just here to get my camera then i'm going to leave so this can be done." i know he told me to not come over and i would just seem more psychotic going over there. i was trying to get pumped about it because i was scared sh*tless.
i climb his steps and find that his door is open. i knock on the screen, turn my head and brace myself. i didn't hear him coming to the door and he ended up making me jump with surprise. i could feel my heart jumping out of my chest. i told him i wanted to get my camera. the other part didn't come out. he told me to come in. he got my camera and i said "ok thank you." he said to come in for a bit. so i did. he told me to come into his room. so i did. i sat on his couch. antoinette calls me and leaves a voicemail saying that she hopes i'm not sitting on his couch talking to him. i laughed because that was exavlty what i was doing. i think the laughter partly came from my nervousness.
i say something about moving my car and he tells me he needs to paint anyway, and he usually does alone. he walks me to the door and i turn around and tell him "look, we need to talk an i'd rather do it in person." so we talk.
he tells me that he knows he hasn't seen me and he's been really stressed out. he's afraid that if i think he's doing something, that i will end up doing something in retaliation. and yes, i was that type of person one but i've tried to change since our last talk. i give him my spech about surrendering control and that we can't know what the other person is doing 24/7 so we might as well not go crazy.
what i got from the whole thing is that he didn't want to worry about me so i told him not to. he said it was hard because we start getting attached when we sleep together or spend time together. i completely understand that. but i found it frustrating how he can't ever believe me that i just want him. he's so stubborn in his mindset that anything i tell him doesn't matter. he already has his opinions and anything i tell him won't change his mind.
there were many silences. so i get up and he asks me to look up some information about tattoo guns for him. he says to give it to him next time i see him. uh... i thought we were not going to see each other anymore. when he says he needs to continue to paint, i don't know how i got up the nerve to ask "so are we still going to sleep together?" he kinda laughed and said "we'd work something out."
i turn around and hug him. it was one of those i-miss-you hugs that last a really long time and both are just feeling the other person as if to try to remember what they felt like. the entire time i was thinking that i could love this guy- i really could.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:53:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart