Friday, February 16, 2007
better than expected
Dear heart,
this is what i HATE about vince. i'm all pumped up for rejection and breaking up when i can't remember being happier with him. i came over after work, ate, and watched the rest of arrested development. he walked me to my car and gave me the biggest hug ever. like always, he tells me to call him when i get home. then finishes up with, "did you hear me?"
i go home and was talking to antoinette. he called and asked if i got home ok. he starts talking to me like he wanted to stay on the line. i was scared to tell him that antoinette was on the other line because i was afraid he wouldn't believe me and start a fight, even if it was the actual truth. when he decided to continue painting, i call anty back.
i call him later and his phone is acting up. he calls me back and asks me what's wrong. i tell him i'm going to bed but he made no indications of wanting to get off the phone. i ask if he wanted me to let him go or if he wanted to stay and sleep with me. his reply: "i'll stay if you want."
i am still wondering about what happened the night before when he didn't feel like falling asleep with me on the phone, since it has become this way regular thing. i tried asking him about it before i left his place, but he said he had to paint already and that he would talk to me about it later. so OBVIOUSLY, its not THAT important? i mean, he can't be trying to break up with me if he's acting the way he is while still knowing that he needs to talk to me about something... right?! unless maybe that's why he keeps putting it off because he had made up his mind to break up with me or know that it wasn't going to work out or that another woman has come into the picture- but he didn't want to tell me yet because i know how to make him feel good.
i would be severely hurt and intensely infuriated if after all that he broke it off or he was seeing someone else. i'm sorry but that is way f*cked up to lead me on for days when he KNEW it was over. but if it isn't that, then it has to be some issues he's having within him. i can live with that. in fact, i LIVE for stuff like that because it makes me want to help.
i think i've seen him every day this week. let's see- monday, i actually can't remember what i did. maybe i didn't see him. tuesday was when i stopped at starbucks and got the douche chill on my cup. then i came to starbucks after my lab to read up for my next class. while sitting there, vince was off so we went to albertsons and bought some bagels, beer, and a dvd of snatch. i go to school and take my test. i get out early so i call up vince and he tells me to come over. he's supposed to go to pomona cuz his brother is making some turkey thing. but i come over and after rolling around the floor trying to wrestle, we do it. wednesday was valetines day so i came over for a bit and kissed his face. yesterday, i saw him for lunch and after work. now today i saw him real quick when i went to the "post office." then stopped by at his work after i got off.
things seem so comfortable with him. i feel more relaxed about the whole thing. i think i'm starting to trust him now. like i have my normal paranoid thoughts, but i stop myself long enough to be proven wrong. it's happened so much that i hardly have prolonged paranoid thoughts anymore. its been a little over than 2 months and besides the random psychotic, jealous outbursts from him- i can see myself being in this relationship with him.
antoinette is not making this better. everyone at work hates him because i tell them stories of how crazy he can be. but then antoinette says he acts that way because he probably doesn't want a girlfriend but really likes me and can't deal with the fact that i'm not his girlfriend. i liked that theory. things have been good with him. i didn't think that could happen, especially the episode we had wednesday evening. the big "talk" that was supposed to happen yesterday was supposed to be the end of us as we know it. but we haven't ended yet, then again we haven't had the talk yet either. it just doesn't seem plausible for him to act the way he has been when he's really just setting me up for a break-up. he wouldn't do that, right?! he's not THAT f*cked up.
i wonder how long this honeymoon period will last. i don't think i've fought so much or had this much drama with any boy in such a short period of time. maybe things will be better if we got together. maybe we'll calm down a little more because maybe the worry of our lack of an official title that might be misconstrewed when dealing with other flirtations would have diminished with his a question. but i can't ask him. i want to but i want to believe that he wants to be with me.
this is what i HATE about vince. i'm all pumped up for rejection and breaking up when i can't remember being happier with him. i came over after work, ate, and watched the rest of arrested development. he walked me to my car and gave me the biggest hug ever. like always, he tells me to call him when i get home. then finishes up with, "did you hear me?"
i go home and was talking to antoinette. he called and asked if i got home ok. he starts talking to me like he wanted to stay on the line. i was scared to tell him that antoinette was on the other line because i was afraid he wouldn't believe me and start a fight, even if it was the actual truth. when he decided to continue painting, i call anty back.
i call him later and his phone is acting up. he calls me back and asks me what's wrong. i tell him i'm going to bed but he made no indications of wanting to get off the phone. i ask if he wanted me to let him go or if he wanted to stay and sleep with me. his reply: "i'll stay if you want."
i am still wondering about what happened the night before when he didn't feel like falling asleep with me on the phone, since it has become this way regular thing. i tried asking him about it before i left his place, but he said he had to paint already and that he would talk to me about it later. so OBVIOUSLY, its not THAT important? i mean, he can't be trying to break up with me if he's acting the way he is while still knowing that he needs to talk to me about something... right?! unless maybe that's why he keeps putting it off because he had made up his mind to break up with me or know that it wasn't going to work out or that another woman has come into the picture- but he didn't want to tell me yet because i know how to make him feel good.
i would be severely hurt and intensely infuriated if after all that he broke it off or he was seeing someone else. i'm sorry but that is way f*cked up to lead me on for days when he KNEW it was over. but if it isn't that, then it has to be some issues he's having within him. i can live with that. in fact, i LIVE for stuff like that because it makes me want to help.
i think i've seen him every day this week. let's see- monday, i actually can't remember what i did. maybe i didn't see him. tuesday was when i stopped at starbucks and got the douche chill on my cup. then i came to starbucks after my lab to read up for my next class. while sitting there, vince was off so we went to albertsons and bought some bagels, beer, and a dvd of snatch. i go to school and take my test. i get out early so i call up vince and he tells me to come over. he's supposed to go to pomona cuz his brother is making some turkey thing. but i come over and after rolling around the floor trying to wrestle, we do it. wednesday was valetines day so i came over for a bit and kissed his face. yesterday, i saw him for lunch and after work. now today i saw him real quick when i went to the "post office." then stopped by at his work after i got off.
things seem so comfortable with him. i feel more relaxed about the whole thing. i think i'm starting to trust him now. like i have my normal paranoid thoughts, but i stop myself long enough to be proven wrong. it's happened so much that i hardly have prolonged paranoid thoughts anymore. its been a little over than 2 months and besides the random psychotic, jealous outbursts from him- i can see myself being in this relationship with him.
antoinette is not making this better. everyone at work hates him because i tell them stories of how crazy he can be. but then antoinette says he acts that way because he probably doesn't want a girlfriend but really likes me and can't deal with the fact that i'm not his girlfriend. i liked that theory. things have been good with him. i didn't think that could happen, especially the episode we had wednesday evening. the big "talk" that was supposed to happen yesterday was supposed to be the end of us as we know it. but we haven't ended yet, then again we haven't had the talk yet either. it just doesn't seem plausible for him to act the way he has been when he's really just setting me up for a break-up. he wouldn't do that, right?! he's not THAT f*cked up.
i wonder how long this honeymoon period will last. i don't think i've fought so much or had this much drama with any boy in such a short period of time. maybe things will be better if we got together. maybe we'll calm down a little more because maybe the worry of our lack of an official title that might be misconstrewed when dealing with other flirtations would have diminished with his a question. but i can't ask him. i want to but i want to believe that he wants to be with me.
this heart of mine was broken at 10:44:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart