Monday, January 22, 2007
will i really send this?
Dear heart,
I just wanted to apologize for the way I have been acting lately. I have been asking nosey questions which is unexcusable because I really have no right to be asking those things. It's just I feel like I'm really starting to like you. Sometimes people do or say crazy things and it's because they are afraid of getting hurt. I guess acting that way is a way of making sure nothing is going to sneak up behind them and bite them in the ass.
We haven't known each other that long and we really don't know each other well enough to know what kind of person the other is. I don't know what kind of person you were in your past relationships: if you lied, cheated, murdered someone, whatever, but like you said, we should find those things out for ourselves. I don't know if you'll crush my heart into smitherines but then I don't know either if you're the one for me. Kinda creepy to be thinking about it so early but hey! All relationships started somewhere. Really, it doesn't matter what we were like before with other people or what we did. All that matters is how we are with each other. All I really ask for is honesty. No matter how much it hurts, I want to hear the truth and I promise you that you will get the same in return. I always expect this from people I associate myself with (friends, lovers, family, co-workers, etc.) so I'm just letting you know straight up how important that is. I might be paranoid about things but I am pretty trusting and will believe what people say. Once I am lied to, that trust is seriously lost forever. But I want you to know that you can trust me, and I won't lie to you. I know it's only words but- what do we have right now? Just know that I have never given you any reason to distrust me so I should have the benefit of the doubt. So let's trust each other and just go with it. I hate the uncertainties of trust, though. It's like you say "Here, take care of this" to someone else and really expect them to do so. All you can really do is take what they gave you and take care of it, hoping they are doing the same. That's what I hate about trusting other people- the out-of-controlness! I NEED control in my life. Sometimes I try to talk myself out of liking you, which is what I always do so it won't hurt so much if you it doesn't work out.
Like I was saying, I am paranoid, but then again so are you. I don't know if that combination is necessarily a good thing but at least we understand each other. I don't know about you but I've had a pretty shitty past, so some of my suspicion and jealousy might stem from that. And sometimes you don't really help with some of the things you do like when you left the couch to talk to some girl on the phone in your room, introducing me as "Chessa" like you don't want your friends to know my real name like you're trying to hide me (do you feel I'm not good enough for you or do your friends think you're with some other girl and bringing me along would just be drama for you?), texting at god-forsaken hours to god-knows-who, your random let-me-call-you-back's (why do you suddenly need to hang up?), or when you put me on hold and never came back (i still wonder who you left me for), and when you don't answer your phone. I realize people can't pick up their phone all the time but really I've had bad experiences with unanswered phone calls where I get anxiety over it because I can imagine a million possibilites of why it's not being answered. Overall though, I think it's just my personality. I like attention and if someone I'm giving my undivided attention to is giving their attention elsewhere, whether I am with them or not, I might get a little upset. I mean I have gone out with guys and not give a rats ass who they saw or what they did just because I didn't really care enough about them. If I ever found out about anyone else, they would have been gone but I wasn't stressing out about it just because I didn't think it would go anywhere anyway.
Seeing as how it's been a little more than a month, this might sound like a psychotic letter. But I can see myself with you. I can just see this going places. I can see myself falling for you. I can see myself getting to that point of complete trust that no matter what crazy thoughts I have in my mind, I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and just believe you won't hurt me.
When we spend time together, I genuinely enjoy myself with whatever we're doing. Simple things like running with you, watching you work out at the park, staying in at your place and laughing at arrested development with you, watching you paint, laying beside you- just solidify the fact that I have a blast with you. It's just the whole "being with you" that feels like where I should be. God! That sounds so corny! I mean, I feel so comfortable with you. I even felt it the first time I went to your place- this instant comfort like we knew each other already. With a lot of guys, I can already feel myself getting bored with them. That's why I don't have a boyfriend- because I get bored easily. I'm never afraid that I'll get bored with you because I already know it's not going to happen.
I just feel like my feelings are escalating faster than yours are and it's scaring me. I'm tired of feelings things for people who won't ever care enough about me. I mean, I'm sure you care at some degree but when I care... I REALLY do. Then it starts to show and then you might feel like "Cool, I can so take advantage of this" and then I'm screwed. I've already been fucked over so many times and I'm tired of fucking people over so why can't it all just stop right now. It's hard to find someone who just does it for you. Someone you want to just be with and to be good to. I honestly think i found that in you. I don't even know if you want that or are ready for all that.
I just hate feeling this way about you. Hey, I can't control this shit! I can just see myself slowly slipping into this feeling for you. I want to keep a part of me distant. I want to just dip one foot in this thing, but it seems I've already stepped forward and the other foot is getting ready to join the other. I know you just got out of a relationship but it's been awhile since I've cared enough about someone to write a letter like this and let them know how I'm feeling. I didn't think i could feel this way again about someone.
Speaking about past relationships, I don't know exactly how soon your break-up was before we met but I am just clarifying for the last time if it's really over. And I hope it was a decent amount of time for you to grieve so I am not some kind of rebound chick. I know you really don't want to talk about it and maybe it's best that I don't hear about it because knowing me- I'll just torture myself with it over and over again. But if you ever have issues with it and it affects how you act around me or treat me- you need to let me know what's going on. It's not cool to be left completely in the dark when things that shouldn't affect me start to spill over on me, you know?
I feel like this letter is starting to sound crazier with each line but I think it had to come out somehow. This is how I've been feeling and that's why I've been the way I am. If you think all this information is too much, too soon- let me know. I can seriously turn crap off like this like a switch. I realize this is a lot and it hasn't been that long that we've been seeing each other so it's understandable if you're a little freaked out. I'm not expecting anything from you. If you decide to stop talking to me, don't worry about it. But really- all you need to do is to just let me know that I sound like a crazy-person and to stop feeling this way about you. I recommend to do it via text for less confrontation and akwardness. Trust me- this letter was pretty damn hard to write and actually giving it was even harder. But if you're reading this, then I got the balls to do it. I think this letter was more for me just so I could sort my thoughts but now you're reading it. This is my side of the story but I still don't know yours. I try not to get my hopes up but I can't help it each time I see you.
I just wanted to apologize for the way I have been acting lately. I have been asking nosey questions which is unexcusable because I really have no right to be asking those things. It's just I feel like I'm really starting to like you. Sometimes people do or say crazy things and it's because they are afraid of getting hurt. I guess acting that way is a way of making sure nothing is going to sneak up behind them and bite them in the ass.
We haven't known each other that long and we really don't know each other well enough to know what kind of person the other is. I don't know what kind of person you were in your past relationships: if you lied, cheated, murdered someone, whatever, but like you said, we should find those things out for ourselves. I don't know if you'll crush my heart into smitherines but then I don't know either if you're the one for me. Kinda creepy to be thinking about it so early but hey! All relationships started somewhere. Really, it doesn't matter what we were like before with other people or what we did. All that matters is how we are with each other. All I really ask for is honesty. No matter how much it hurts, I want to hear the truth and I promise you that you will get the same in return. I always expect this from people I associate myself with (friends, lovers, family, co-workers, etc.) so I'm just letting you know straight up how important that is. I might be paranoid about things but I am pretty trusting and will believe what people say. Once I am lied to, that trust is seriously lost forever. But I want you to know that you can trust me, and I won't lie to you. I know it's only words but- what do we have right now? Just know that I have never given you any reason to distrust me so I should have the benefit of the doubt. So let's trust each other and just go with it. I hate the uncertainties of trust, though. It's like you say "Here, take care of this" to someone else and really expect them to do so. All you can really do is take what they gave you and take care of it, hoping they are doing the same. That's what I hate about trusting other people- the out-of-controlness! I NEED control in my life. Sometimes I try to talk myself out of liking you, which is what I always do so it won't hurt so much if you it doesn't work out.
Like I was saying, I am paranoid, but then again so are you. I don't know if that combination is necessarily a good thing but at least we understand each other. I don't know about you but I've had a pretty shitty past, so some of my suspicion and jealousy might stem from that. And sometimes you don't really help with some of the things you do like when you left the couch to talk to some girl on the phone in your room, introducing me as "Chessa" like you don't want your friends to know my real name like you're trying to hide me (do you feel I'm not good enough for you or do your friends think you're with some other girl and bringing me along would just be drama for you?), texting at god-forsaken hours to god-knows-who, your random let-me-call-you-back's (why do you suddenly need to hang up?), or when you put me on hold and never came back (i still wonder who you left me for), and when you don't answer your phone. I realize people can't pick up their phone all the time but really I've had bad experiences with unanswered phone calls where I get anxiety over it because I can imagine a million possibilites of why it's not being answered. Overall though, I think it's just my personality. I like attention and if someone I'm giving my undivided attention to is giving their attention elsewhere, whether I am with them or not, I might get a little upset. I mean I have gone out with guys and not give a rats ass who they saw or what they did just because I didn't really care enough about them. If I ever found out about anyone else, they would have been gone but I wasn't stressing out about it just because I didn't think it would go anywhere anyway.
Seeing as how it's been a little more than a month, this might sound like a psychotic letter. But I can see myself with you. I can just see this going places. I can see myself falling for you. I can see myself getting to that point of complete trust that no matter what crazy thoughts I have in my mind, I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and just believe you won't hurt me.
When we spend time together, I genuinely enjoy myself with whatever we're doing. Simple things like running with you, watching you work out at the park, staying in at your place and laughing at arrested development with you, watching you paint, laying beside you- just solidify the fact that I have a blast with you. It's just the whole "being with you" that feels like where I should be. God! That sounds so corny! I mean, I feel so comfortable with you. I even felt it the first time I went to your place- this instant comfort like we knew each other already. With a lot of guys, I can already feel myself getting bored with them. That's why I don't have a boyfriend- because I get bored easily. I'm never afraid that I'll get bored with you because I already know it's not going to happen.
I just feel like my feelings are escalating faster than yours are and it's scaring me. I'm tired of feelings things for people who won't ever care enough about me. I mean, I'm sure you care at some degree but when I care... I REALLY do. Then it starts to show and then you might feel like "Cool, I can so take advantage of this" and then I'm screwed. I've already been fucked over so many times and I'm tired of fucking people over so why can't it all just stop right now. It's hard to find someone who just does it for you. Someone you want to just be with and to be good to. I honestly think i found that in you. I don't even know if you want that or are ready for all that.
I just hate feeling this way about you. Hey, I can't control this shit! I can just see myself slowly slipping into this feeling for you. I want to keep a part of me distant. I want to just dip one foot in this thing, but it seems I've already stepped forward and the other foot is getting ready to join the other. I know you just got out of a relationship but it's been awhile since I've cared enough about someone to write a letter like this and let them know how I'm feeling. I didn't think i could feel this way again about someone.
Speaking about past relationships, I don't know exactly how soon your break-up was before we met but I am just clarifying for the last time if it's really over. And I hope it was a decent amount of time for you to grieve so I am not some kind of rebound chick. I know you really don't want to talk about it and maybe it's best that I don't hear about it because knowing me- I'll just torture myself with it over and over again. But if you ever have issues with it and it affects how you act around me or treat me- you need to let me know what's going on. It's not cool to be left completely in the dark when things that shouldn't affect me start to spill over on me, you know?
I feel like this letter is starting to sound crazier with each line but I think it had to come out somehow. This is how I've been feeling and that's why I've been the way I am. If you think all this information is too much, too soon- let me know. I can seriously turn crap off like this like a switch. I realize this is a lot and it hasn't been that long that we've been seeing each other so it's understandable if you're a little freaked out. I'm not expecting anything from you. If you decide to stop talking to me, don't worry about it. But really- all you need to do is to just let me know that I sound like a crazy-person and to stop feeling this way about you. I recommend to do it via text for less confrontation and akwardness. Trust me- this letter was pretty damn hard to write and actually giving it was even harder. But if you're reading this, then I got the balls to do it. I think this letter was more for me just so I could sort my thoughts but now you're reading it. This is my side of the story but I still don't know yours. I try not to get my hopes up but I can't help it each time I see you.
this heart of mine was broken at 10:06:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart