Wednesday, December 06, 2006
guilt makes you hallucinate
Dear heart,
i just came back from the comedy club with anthony. a lot of mixed messages throughout the night. we went to wendy's before we left for the show. i guess some guy was staring at my "melons" and he noticed. he said the guy stared at them and then at him. anthony was all, "he was checking if i saw him look at my melons. that's right. they are MY melons." i brush it off but can't help but blush at the possessive pronouns used. we have random serious talks. i think i mentioned michael and then he remindingly warns me that if i ever speak to him, that he won't speak to me at all. "what we have here is over." he then told me i was a really nice girl and that i deserve someone really good. he asked if i knew that and i nodded. he said just by the way i treat him, he can tell i'd be a good girlfriend. i took that as a compliment but it made me a little sad. if i'd be such a good girlfriend, why doesn't he want me as his? a FULL one! he then pretends that he doesn't want to have sex anymore. that he wants to be friends- no more, no less. he was kidding but i didn't really see the point of that joke's exisence.
i really enjoy randomly laughing with him, and it tickles me when i realize his laugh was created by me. i tell him random stories on the way home and he is amazed by me. he can't believe i sing AND dance in the car. i showed him some examples of different actions corresponding to different song moods and genres.
we get to his place and we do it. i ask him randomly how he'd go about telling someone he doesn't wanna have sex with them anymore. he tells me that he would do it just like he did when he pretended with me, except with the "just kidding" part left out. he says he does it when he thinks a girl is attached- by his definition is someone who gets mad about him and other girls like they think they're the only one. speeches like that really hurt me. i don't know what iron-clad armor he wears around his heart but normal people under normal circumstances would feel a hurt if someone they are seeing is screwing someone else, whether they were with or not with a person.
we start kissing again. for some reason, each time i look at him in the dark i see dago. i feel scared and kinda look away. it's almost like guilt staring me in the face. but who do i feel guilty with? i kinda freak out inside because i feel like he KNOWS. i close my eyes and remember the wonderful lips of anthony. but all joking and corny-ness aside, do you think it MEANS somthing?
it turns out his friend henry hear us again. he gets pissed saying there is a motel across the way that charges per hour. i felt bad but WHY WAS HE NOT WEARING THE PLUGS I GAVE HIM?! i know its cold and we are both getting sick so i hug him inside his house. he still puts on his shoes and jacket to walk me out. we hug for a bit and then he kinda gives me little kisses on my lips. i wrinkle my nose. was he being cute with me? as i am driving on the freeway, he texts me (he finds it pointless to text after 9. JUST CALL!) with "Thanx 4 2nite! Good nite!" From anyone else, that would have been a whatever text. but that was actually very nice of him to thank me. i know that was out-of-character on his part. it made my night end happily. i talk to dago for a bit with hopes to see him another day this week. sounds GOOD to me.
i just came back from the comedy club with anthony. a lot of mixed messages throughout the night. we went to wendy's before we left for the show. i guess some guy was staring at my "melons" and he noticed. he said the guy stared at them and then at him. anthony was all, "he was checking if i saw him look at my melons. that's right. they are MY melons." i brush it off but can't help but blush at the possessive pronouns used. we have random serious talks. i think i mentioned michael and then he remindingly warns me that if i ever speak to him, that he won't speak to me at all. "what we have here is over." he then told me i was a really nice girl and that i deserve someone really good. he asked if i knew that and i nodded. he said just by the way i treat him, he can tell i'd be a good girlfriend. i took that as a compliment but it made me a little sad. if i'd be such a good girlfriend, why doesn't he want me as his? a FULL one! he then pretends that he doesn't want to have sex anymore. that he wants to be friends- no more, no less. he was kidding but i didn't really see the point of that joke's exisence.
i really enjoy randomly laughing with him, and it tickles me when i realize his laugh was created by me. i tell him random stories on the way home and he is amazed by me. he can't believe i sing AND dance in the car. i showed him some examples of different actions corresponding to different song moods and genres.
we get to his place and we do it. i ask him randomly how he'd go about telling someone he doesn't wanna have sex with them anymore. he tells me that he would do it just like he did when he pretended with me, except with the "just kidding" part left out. he says he does it when he thinks a girl is attached- by his definition is someone who gets mad about him and other girls like they think they're the only one. speeches like that really hurt me. i don't know what iron-clad armor he wears around his heart but normal people under normal circumstances would feel a hurt if someone they are seeing is screwing someone else, whether they were with or not with a person.
we start kissing again. for some reason, each time i look at him in the dark i see dago. i feel scared and kinda look away. it's almost like guilt staring me in the face. but who do i feel guilty with? i kinda freak out inside because i feel like he KNOWS. i close my eyes and remember the wonderful lips of anthony. but all joking and corny-ness aside, do you think it MEANS somthing?
it turns out his friend henry hear us again. he gets pissed saying there is a motel across the way that charges per hour. i felt bad but WHY WAS HE NOT WEARING THE PLUGS I GAVE HIM?! i know its cold and we are both getting sick so i hug him inside his house. he still puts on his shoes and jacket to walk me out. we hug for a bit and then he kinda gives me little kisses on my lips. i wrinkle my nose. was he being cute with me? as i am driving on the freeway, he texts me (he finds it pointless to text after 9. JUST CALL!) with "Thanx 4 2nite! Good nite!" From anyone else, that would have been a whatever text. but that was actually very nice of him to thank me. i know that was out-of-character on his part. it made my night end happily. i talk to dago for a bit with hopes to see him another day this week. sounds GOOD to me.
this heart of mine was broken at 1:03:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart