Friday, December 08, 2006
the eventual 2 steps back
Dear heart,
with every step forward, there is the eventual step backwards. everything was all good with the anthony thing, slowly but surely moving forward. i couldn't be happier. then life had to throw me road blocks. that's just how it is.
so yesterday after work, brenda and i go to guppys. instead of playing video games, she asked if i wanted us to go to anthony's t.p. and hang out. uh... HECK YES! so we call him and tell him we're coming over. when we got there, a black suv passed us with a hispanic girl in there using the phone. i thought nothing of it, but for some reason i thought, "that would be funny if she knew anthony..." i don't know how that thought crossed my head but it did. he is outside his t.p. saying we can chill for 10 minutes and then he has to eat. i told him we'd go with him. whenever he goes and gets something to eat, he always takes me with him. he looks at me confused. "didn't you guys just eat." i still did not get it.
he finally explains that he's having dinner with his "sister's friend." my mind went through all the people i remember from his sister's myspace. she had pretty friends. we went inside and i was already feeling awkward. when i am not happy, it shows. i try to hide the fact that it hurts like hell but i can feel my smile starting to look fake. at first, it was funny with him trying to get brenda to talk. i love that about him. right when you think he'd be unfriendly, he's someone i want to show to everyone. then he asks if we want to meet his "sister's friend" then corrects himself. "friend's sister." this really pretty older looking hispanic girl comes in. my heart drops. could everyone see it in my face that i wanted to scream? i notice her wearing a puffer jacket like me, except hers was black. i couldn't even look at her. i couldn't even look at him. my eyes stayed glued to family guy. when he said they had to go, i got up and headed for the door. brenda didn't know how to open it so i twisted the knob and let myself out. i was starting to feel claustrophobic in there.
before we walk off, he hugs me the same tight hugs that i love. but i couldn't return the effort. i had to throw up. brenda and i started walking away then running. it was time to go to a bar. we went to the friar's first but i guess it was grandparent night! we went to T.J.'s in placentia. it was fun, i think. i just couldn't remember half the crap that was happening. i remember slide shows.
he texted me something like "r u mad? cuz it seemed like u r?" uh... YES!!!! so i call him back and tell him i'm not mad. he asked if i was "twisted" and i said no. he said he could tell in my voice that i am. i don't remember how long after i call him again and say "ok, i don't care or anything. like i REALLY don't care but... are you gonna have sex with her?" he told me it wasn't like that. she even wanted to talk to me. she cleared things up like she's 24. she's old. she has 2 kids. anthony is a baby. it's not even like that. she even offers to go over where i was. but anthony had work the next day so he said to just come by when i was done. he didn't want me driving "twisted" though. I'm glad he cares enough about me to not want me to die. haha
we go to their place after and i don't remember half the things that happen or that is said. i just remember him taking back what he said about not being able to be my friend if i got a boyfriend. so i could get a boyfriend. he asked me if i found someone and i told him no. i feel like me being like that and saying those things pushes him away from me. whatever progress happened when he came back from vegas seemed to be erased by one evening. will things change? will he not feel the same way about me?
i texted him last night if it was ok if he talks to me while i drive home. i called him right when i got into the car. his phone was off. so he doesn't care. i don't care. i staggered to my bed and fell asleep almost instantly. in the morning, i was awakened by a phone call from anthony. even though it was disturbing my precious beauty sleep, i had to get up for work anyway and it brought a smile to my face to wake up to the sound of his voice. he apologized for barely getting my text this morning. he said he turned his phone off last night. well duh. so i tell him i'd call him later cuz i was going back to bed. he told me to get ready for work so i won't be late.
i felt like crap. i was still stumbling over EVERYthing. and then i realize i left my atm card at the bar. god! i hate getting drunk sometimes. it's so hard to remember stuff. i go to work and when i get there, i realize i left my wallet at home. what's worse- there were free tickets to this Video Game Awards at 5:30 but i had work and so did anthony and he'd never skip it because he's responsible. it's cute but unfortunate.
so i'm doing data, actually on myspace, but i get a call on my work phone. it was anthony pretending to be some indian guy named habib. it was hilarious. i pretended that i thought he was eddie making me go to a meeting. he laughs at me for not knowing it was him but i knew. i just wanted him to feel like he actually tricked me. he asked me about the meeting i'm going to, asked me how i felt, and made conversation about my day. so i guess not TOO MUCH has changed. he even left a comment about his prank phone call. i just get happy about his rare and far between comments on the space. then he randomly calls me while i'm having lunch and i asked if he wanted to join me for that holiday party. he said no before but now he said he had to see cuz he thinks he might go somewhere with his family. but it was cute how he seemed almost pursuaded by my whining. i asked him if he was busy later and he said he had no plans. hope that means i get to see him.
i think i saw him everyday this week. oh wait, not monday. i had to watch heroes. no... i saw him. nevermind. that's when i brought gifts to his friends. yeah so i did see him every day this week. i hope he doesn't mind. i know he doesn't mind my company. i remember being in the room with him and he pulls me under the covers and i keep apologizing for disturbing his sleep and he says he doesn't mind.
i need to go home and shower because i am so dirty and ugly right now. he was all asking me what i was wearing and worried that i was showing my bajongas at work. haha geez. it suprises me that he wasn't upset at my reaction to his dinner with that girl. that was SO an action of an "attached" chick and he actually tried to ease my worry by having me talk to that girl. i don't think he would have done that with any other girl who might have started getting attached. he's probably guessed that i am attached but i guess it's not something we are discussing in fear of destroying what we have. he probably doesn't want to break it off with me and he's already informed me that a conversation about being attached would mark the start of that. i hope i am still somewhat special to him. i wonder if he's really getting me a present.
it's funny because sometimes you make a lot of progress and keep moving forward. then something happens and you take some steps back and you swear you can't recover. but you know what? you can! with just one step at a time, you just might get to where you want to be.
with every step forward, there is the eventual step backwards. everything was all good with the anthony thing, slowly but surely moving forward. i couldn't be happier. then life had to throw me road blocks. that's just how it is.
so yesterday after work, brenda and i go to guppys. instead of playing video games, she asked if i wanted us to go to anthony's t.p. and hang out. uh... HECK YES! so we call him and tell him we're coming over. when we got there, a black suv passed us with a hispanic girl in there using the phone. i thought nothing of it, but for some reason i thought, "that would be funny if she knew anthony..." i don't know how that thought crossed my head but it did. he is outside his t.p. saying we can chill for 10 minutes and then he has to eat. i told him we'd go with him. whenever he goes and gets something to eat, he always takes me with him. he looks at me confused. "didn't you guys just eat." i still did not get it.
he finally explains that he's having dinner with his "sister's friend." my mind went through all the people i remember from his sister's myspace. she had pretty friends. we went inside and i was already feeling awkward. when i am not happy, it shows. i try to hide the fact that it hurts like hell but i can feel my smile starting to look fake. at first, it was funny with him trying to get brenda to talk. i love that about him. right when you think he'd be unfriendly, he's someone i want to show to everyone. then he asks if we want to meet his "sister's friend" then corrects himself. "friend's sister." this really pretty older looking hispanic girl comes in. my heart drops. could everyone see it in my face that i wanted to scream? i notice her wearing a puffer jacket like me, except hers was black. i couldn't even look at her. i couldn't even look at him. my eyes stayed glued to family guy. when he said they had to go, i got up and headed for the door. brenda didn't know how to open it so i twisted the knob and let myself out. i was starting to feel claustrophobic in there.
before we walk off, he hugs me the same tight hugs that i love. but i couldn't return the effort. i had to throw up. brenda and i started walking away then running. it was time to go to a bar. we went to the friar's first but i guess it was grandparent night! we went to T.J.'s in placentia. it was fun, i think. i just couldn't remember half the crap that was happening. i remember slide shows.
he texted me something like "r u mad? cuz it seemed like u r?" uh... YES!!!! so i call him back and tell him i'm not mad. he asked if i was "twisted" and i said no. he said he could tell in my voice that i am. i don't remember how long after i call him again and say "ok, i don't care or anything. like i REALLY don't care but... are you gonna have sex with her?" he told me it wasn't like that. she even wanted to talk to me. she cleared things up like she's 24. she's old. she has 2 kids. anthony is a baby. it's not even like that. she even offers to go over where i was. but anthony had work the next day so he said to just come by when i was done. he didn't want me driving "twisted" though. I'm glad he cares enough about me to not want me to die. haha
we go to their place after and i don't remember half the things that happen or that is said. i just remember him taking back what he said about not being able to be my friend if i got a boyfriend. so i could get a boyfriend. he asked me if i found someone and i told him no. i feel like me being like that and saying those things pushes him away from me. whatever progress happened when he came back from vegas seemed to be erased by one evening. will things change? will he not feel the same way about me?
i texted him last night if it was ok if he talks to me while i drive home. i called him right when i got into the car. his phone was off. so he doesn't care. i don't care. i staggered to my bed and fell asleep almost instantly. in the morning, i was awakened by a phone call from anthony. even though it was disturbing my precious beauty sleep, i had to get up for work anyway and it brought a smile to my face to wake up to the sound of his voice. he apologized for barely getting my text this morning. he said he turned his phone off last night. well duh. so i tell him i'd call him later cuz i was going back to bed. he told me to get ready for work so i won't be late.
i felt like crap. i was still stumbling over EVERYthing. and then i realize i left my atm card at the bar. god! i hate getting drunk sometimes. it's so hard to remember stuff. i go to work and when i get there, i realize i left my wallet at home. what's worse- there were free tickets to this Video Game Awards at 5:30 but i had work and so did anthony and he'd never skip it because he's responsible. it's cute but unfortunate.
so i'm doing data, actually on myspace, but i get a call on my work phone. it was anthony pretending to be some indian guy named habib. it was hilarious. i pretended that i thought he was eddie making me go to a meeting. he laughs at me for not knowing it was him but i knew. i just wanted him to feel like he actually tricked me. he asked me about the meeting i'm going to, asked me how i felt, and made conversation about my day. so i guess not TOO MUCH has changed. he even left a comment about his prank phone call. i just get happy about his rare and far between comments on the space. then he randomly calls me while i'm having lunch and i asked if he wanted to join me for that holiday party. he said no before but now he said he had to see cuz he thinks he might go somewhere with his family. but it was cute how he seemed almost pursuaded by my whining. i asked him if he was busy later and he said he had no plans. hope that means i get to see him.
i think i saw him everyday this week. oh wait, not monday. i had to watch heroes. no... i saw him. nevermind. that's when i brought gifts to his friends. yeah so i did see him every day this week. i hope he doesn't mind. i know he doesn't mind my company. i remember being in the room with him and he pulls me under the covers and i keep apologizing for disturbing his sleep and he says he doesn't mind.
i need to go home and shower because i am so dirty and ugly right now. he was all asking me what i was wearing and worried that i was showing my bajongas at work. haha geez. it suprises me that he wasn't upset at my reaction to his dinner with that girl. that was SO an action of an "attached" chick and he actually tried to ease my worry by having me talk to that girl. i don't think he would have done that with any other girl who might have started getting attached. he's probably guessed that i am attached but i guess it's not something we are discussing in fear of destroying what we have. he probably doesn't want to break it off with me and he's already informed me that a conversation about being attached would mark the start of that. i hope i am still somewhat special to him. i wonder if he's really getting me a present.
it's funny because sometimes you make a lot of progress and keep moving forward. then something happens and you take some steps back and you swear you can't recover. but you know what? you can! with just one step at a time, you just might get to where you want to be.
this heart of mine was broken at 9:06:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart