Monday, June 30, 2003
Dear heart,
i missed a very important appointment with my lawyer and my insurance because of the simple stupid excuse of forgetting... so i tried to make it up to myself and get me out of this wretched mood...
as you can see, i made a new layout... i personally like it better than anything ive ever done... im not too sure what other people will think... not that i really care... its not their journal... k im gonna shower... enjoy the new look...
i missed a very important appointment with my lawyer and my insurance because of the simple stupid excuse of forgetting... so i tried to make it up to myself and get me out of this wretched mood...
as you can see, i made a new layout... i personally like it better than anything ive ever done... im not too sure what other people will think... not that i really care... its not their journal... k im gonna shower... enjoy the new look...
this heart of mine was broken at 12:55:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i have come to realize how utterly alone i feel sometimes... i have pushed every person so far away that i actually go days without people calling me... before it was like i would be ringing every 5 minutes... i hated turning my phone off in fear of missing an important call... now i wont even notice if ive turned my phone off for hours... i KNOW no ones going to call... i even leave my phone at home sometimes... at first, i couldnt bear to live without it... not having my phone was like losing an arm... i couldnt function...
now i really dont talk to anyone... i dont see anyone... i dont do anything... im not really sure if im complaining cuz i really dont mind seeing kyle all the time... this is my choice after all, he never asked me to do it even though he wanted me to... when i go out when i could be seeing him, it makes me feel sh*tty... like i dont want to be there but be where he is... i have all this guilt like "i shouldnt be having this fun" even though i really dont half the time cuz all im doing is worrying and missing him anyway... i know i shouldnt be but i really dont know what i can do to change how i feel sometimes... im quite the martyr these days... and i dont think i really hate it all too much...
its just nights like this when it all sinks in to the inevitable conclusion that im quite a lonely broad without kyle... god i sound so pathetically needy and if i knew myself right now 3 months ago, i would have literally slapped some sense into me... i hate how ive become... i dont know why it always comes down to this... i always get so unhealthily attached to people...
i know im happy with kyle... when im with him, its great most of the time... we fit together, ya know? one of those cute couples... the kind that make u sick just by looking at em... the kind you know you'll see a few years still together and being just as cuddly as you saw them the first time...
yet sometimes i think that even though im happy with kyle, there's a chance that i could be happier... is it wrong to think that? to want more... we're suppose to appreciate what we have... and i do that... so why does it feel like such a sin to dream of something better... to picture my life 10 years from now with another man who's nothing like kyle... who's someone i couldnt even dream of being real because he seems just too perfect for me...
ugh i hate these evil thoughts... but its not the same thoughts as when i wrote about me and noel... how i always said there was something missing between us... i always felt it but he never understood... he didnt understand a lot of things tho... but there isnt anything missing with kyle... except maybe for him... like sometimes i need him to say goodnight to me right before i go to bed... or stay on the phone with me for hours on sundays when i cant see him and not really say anything cuz im doing the laundry or watching something on tv but just being there for the company... or just be able to see him whenever i wanted like before... any free time i had, i would just drive to him and know he'd be there happy to see me... now i vegetate in front of the tv watching clueless over and OVER again... i go online and go on websites repeatedly even though i know what it looks like but theres just really nothing better to do...
i dont know what i want... im just being weird cuz my rag is due soon... *crosses fingers* maybe its the pms thats making me all introspective... maybe this hormonal imbalance is what's causing me to feel lonely and depressed... yeah thats it... i'll get over this in a week or two... maybe even tomorrow... you know me... im just weird like that.
i have come to realize how utterly alone i feel sometimes... i have pushed every person so far away that i actually go days without people calling me... before it was like i would be ringing every 5 minutes... i hated turning my phone off in fear of missing an important call... now i wont even notice if ive turned my phone off for hours... i KNOW no ones going to call... i even leave my phone at home sometimes... at first, i couldnt bear to live without it... not having my phone was like losing an arm... i couldnt function...
now i really dont talk to anyone... i dont see anyone... i dont do anything... im not really sure if im complaining cuz i really dont mind seeing kyle all the time... this is my choice after all, he never asked me to do it even though he wanted me to... when i go out when i could be seeing him, it makes me feel sh*tty... like i dont want to be there but be where he is... i have all this guilt like "i shouldnt be having this fun" even though i really dont half the time cuz all im doing is worrying and missing him anyway... i know i shouldnt be but i really dont know what i can do to change how i feel sometimes... im quite the martyr these days... and i dont think i really hate it all too much...
its just nights like this when it all sinks in to the inevitable conclusion that im quite a lonely broad without kyle... god i sound so pathetically needy and if i knew myself right now 3 months ago, i would have literally slapped some sense into me... i hate how ive become... i dont know why it always comes down to this... i always get so unhealthily attached to people...
i know im happy with kyle... when im with him, its great most of the time... we fit together, ya know? one of those cute couples... the kind that make u sick just by looking at em... the kind you know you'll see a few years still together and being just as cuddly as you saw them the first time...
yet sometimes i think that even though im happy with kyle, there's a chance that i could be happier... is it wrong to think that? to want more... we're suppose to appreciate what we have... and i do that... so why does it feel like such a sin to dream of something better... to picture my life 10 years from now with another man who's nothing like kyle... who's someone i couldnt even dream of being real because he seems just too perfect for me...
ugh i hate these evil thoughts... but its not the same thoughts as when i wrote about me and noel... how i always said there was something missing between us... i always felt it but he never understood... he didnt understand a lot of things tho... but there isnt anything missing with kyle... except maybe for him... like sometimes i need him to say goodnight to me right before i go to bed... or stay on the phone with me for hours on sundays when i cant see him and not really say anything cuz im doing the laundry or watching something on tv but just being there for the company... or just be able to see him whenever i wanted like before... any free time i had, i would just drive to him and know he'd be there happy to see me... now i vegetate in front of the tv watching clueless over and OVER again... i go online and go on websites repeatedly even though i know what it looks like but theres just really nothing better to do...
i dont know what i want... im just being weird cuz my rag is due soon... *crosses fingers* maybe its the pms thats making me all introspective... maybe this hormonal imbalance is what's causing me to feel lonely and depressed... yeah thats it... i'll get over this in a week or two... maybe even tomorrow... you know me... im just weird like that.
this heart of mine was broken at 12:48:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, June 29, 2003
Dear heart,
today was average... nothing really wonderful yet nothing incredibly terrible either... when i first got there he told me it was one of those days... i guess he wasnt his cheery self... he pulled the same sh*t with me like he did last weekend about leaving and letting him sleep for a couple of hours and coming back... thankfully, i didnt have intentions of relapsing... and i had things to do so i ate at olive graden with my cousin and her bf... then i went back to him and he was in a meeting...
everything after that seemed quite insignificant... we were rowdier than usual today... we were beating each other up, chasing each other down the halls, being really rough with each other... it was kinda fun... then before i left, they were watching super troopers... its pretty funny... he sat on the floor and i was on the couch behind him just holding him... steves mom was sitting next to me, steve in front of her and the dad was sitting on the table... it felt like we were watching tv was a family... he asked me if i thought he was a hottie and i said, "to me, you are." but thats only because i love him... before he was ok, i guess... i didnt really see him that well at first tho... then i asked him if he thought i was and he said, "yeah, i tell you that every day even though you dont like to hear it." haha i was like in my head you do? when? how come im never here when you say this? where was i?
then it was 10 and time to leave... what a disappointment... i hate being home early... i wish i could just stay there with him forever... i dont know... our relationship is really weird... we have a really good day, then a bad day, and it repeats into this cycle... i consider ok days as a bad day... because its not great... i had a great day yesterday so today could only be "ok"... why cant i be happy all the time? is that too damn much to ask?
today was average... nothing really wonderful yet nothing incredibly terrible either... when i first got there he told me it was one of those days... i guess he wasnt his cheery self... he pulled the same sh*t with me like he did last weekend about leaving and letting him sleep for a couple of hours and coming back... thankfully, i didnt have intentions of relapsing... and i had things to do so i ate at olive graden with my cousin and her bf... then i went back to him and he was in a meeting...
everything after that seemed quite insignificant... we were rowdier than usual today... we were beating each other up, chasing each other down the halls, being really rough with each other... it was kinda fun... then before i left, they were watching super troopers... its pretty funny... he sat on the floor and i was on the couch behind him just holding him... steves mom was sitting next to me, steve in front of her and the dad was sitting on the table... it felt like we were watching tv was a family... he asked me if i thought he was a hottie and i said, "to me, you are." but thats only because i love him... before he was ok, i guess... i didnt really see him that well at first tho... then i asked him if he thought i was and he said, "yeah, i tell you that every day even though you dont like to hear it." haha i was like in my head you do? when? how come im never here when you say this? where was i?
then it was 10 and time to leave... what a disappointment... i hate being home early... i wish i could just stay there with him forever... i dont know... our relationship is really weird... we have a really good day, then a bad day, and it repeats into this cycle... i consider ok days as a bad day... because its not great... i had a great day yesterday so today could only be "ok"... why cant i be happy all the time? is that too damn much to ask?
this heart of mine was broken at 12:04:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, June 28, 2003
Dear heart,
i can honestly say that i just had a fulfilling day... i started off waking up pretty early, considering it is summer and i had nowhere to be... i got on my dad's computer and found some old game i never finished called king's quest I... well, they have this thing called walkthroughs online that they never had before... being the cheater that i am, (haha) i finished that game in like 2 hours... its so old it was on 3 floppy disks and you had to run it thru MS DOS... that's what i call old school... then i picked up my check, went to mcdonalds with my sister, and ate our food at the park with our dog... i actually decided to pay attention to that b*tch... haha, my lil doggie is so cute tho now that she has her new haircut... then i took my sister to my granny's house and got ready to visit kyle...
i saw him working in the kitchen and suprised him with 2 packs of cigarettes, a new lighter, and a grip load of candy... he took me outside and we sat under this big tree... he was telling me about his day and how people were pissing him off... then we started hugging each other and kissing like we havent seen each other for days... i always love that part of our day- the wanting, the eagerness for each other... after awhile we went back upstairs... he had to shower so i just waited around for him...
i love it that he told me last night "you know how many people up there f*cking love you?! if i had a chick visit me, i wouldn't hear the end of it." this was after i confessed my utter fear of going to florida for 2 weeks and have her take my place in the visiting department... but thank god he assured me that it wasnt going to happen... being a nice person has its benefits... hehe... so i just hung out at the monitors office... the monitor kevin was one of the people who always tell kyle how lucky he is to have me... remember that greeting card i got awhile back? well, kevin suggested it to kyle that he get me one and paid for it... isnt that absolutely nice of him?! he let us use the quiet room today too...
kyle and i were kissing on the couch and he was paricularly loving today... its like all he wanted to do was kiss... he wouldnt let our lips part... then before doing it, he said, "let's make love. none of this sex or f*cking business. make love to me, baby." it sounds funny just typing it now but it really made me want me to cry... as we made love, it was beautiful... i almost forgot what it felt like... i've only made love ONCE before this time... its funny, cuz you can really feel the difference... it wasnt about how good it felt, even tho it did... it was about feeling close to one another... im not most people, im not that lucky to really know how to make love... but sometimes it happens and it hits me how overpowering love is... we just kept repeating i love you's, looking into each other's eyes, and kissing each others shoulders...
after that, we went to the leisure room where they were watching jurassic park 3... we sat in the back and held hands... we said it felt like watching a movie together like an actual date... we joke around stuff like that because we miss it so much... when i had to leave, i came home and cooked some eggs for my dad and sister... i felt like i did a whole lot today... no random drama or any little thing to make me upset at all... im not saying it was the best day of my life, but it was a good day... i've learned to appreciate those cuz they dont come too often... today it came for me...
[[ quote of the day]]
"what is it that makes you happy? because this is what makes me happy, being with you"
-vanilla sky
i can honestly say that i just had a fulfilling day... i started off waking up pretty early, considering it is summer and i had nowhere to be... i got on my dad's computer and found some old game i never finished called king's quest I... well, they have this thing called walkthroughs online that they never had before... being the cheater that i am, (haha) i finished that game in like 2 hours... its so old it was on 3 floppy disks and you had to run it thru MS DOS... that's what i call old school... then i picked up my check, went to mcdonalds with my sister, and ate our food at the park with our dog... i actually decided to pay attention to that b*tch... haha, my lil doggie is so cute tho now that she has her new haircut... then i took my sister to my granny's house and got ready to visit kyle...
i saw him working in the kitchen and suprised him with 2 packs of cigarettes, a new lighter, and a grip load of candy... he took me outside and we sat under this big tree... he was telling me about his day and how people were pissing him off... then we started hugging each other and kissing like we havent seen each other for days... i always love that part of our day- the wanting, the eagerness for each other... after awhile we went back upstairs... he had to shower so i just waited around for him...
i love it that he told me last night "you know how many people up there f*cking love you?! if i had a chick visit me, i wouldn't hear the end of it." this was after i confessed my utter fear of going to florida for 2 weeks and have her take my place in the visiting department... but thank god he assured me that it wasnt going to happen... being a nice person has its benefits... hehe... so i just hung out at the monitors office... the monitor kevin was one of the people who always tell kyle how lucky he is to have me... remember that greeting card i got awhile back? well, kevin suggested it to kyle that he get me one and paid for it... isnt that absolutely nice of him?! he let us use the quiet room today too...
kyle and i were kissing on the couch and he was paricularly loving today... its like all he wanted to do was kiss... he wouldnt let our lips part... then before doing it, he said, "let's make love. none of this sex or f*cking business. make love to me, baby." it sounds funny just typing it now but it really made me want me to cry... as we made love, it was beautiful... i almost forgot what it felt like... i've only made love ONCE before this time... its funny, cuz you can really feel the difference... it wasnt about how good it felt, even tho it did... it was about feeling close to one another... im not most people, im not that lucky to really know how to make love... but sometimes it happens and it hits me how overpowering love is... we just kept repeating i love you's, looking into each other's eyes, and kissing each others shoulders...
after that, we went to the leisure room where they were watching jurassic park 3... we sat in the back and held hands... we said it felt like watching a movie together like an actual date... we joke around stuff like that because we miss it so much... when i had to leave, i came home and cooked some eggs for my dad and sister... i felt like i did a whole lot today... no random drama or any little thing to make me upset at all... im not saying it was the best day of my life, but it was a good day... i've learned to appreciate those cuz they dont come too often... today it came for me...
[[ quote of the day]]
"what is it that makes you happy? because this is what makes me happy, being with you"
-vanilla sky
this heart of mine was broken at 12:51:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, June 27, 2003
Dear heart,
today was supposed to be a good day... it almost started out that way... i dont mean to brag but i consider myself one of the best girlfriends in the world =P haha... i made two batches of delicious chocolate chip cookies and macadamian/white chocolate cookies for him... i wrote him this 3-paged letter and i was just in an over-all good mood... went to work and it actually wasnt that bad... we were talking about sex and homosexuality... my friend maria is funny cuz she's such a homophobic... then i got off and i was blasting my tv themes cd which was playing ducktales at the time... people were laughing at me cuz i was singing along as i drove away...
when i got there i was all smiles... i was excited for something but i didnt know what... unfortunately, his face told me that it wasnt a good day... we had random little fights about stupid sh*t i cant even remember... he told me "i was acting weird" but that's cuz he was acting real stupid... i was in an awesome mood before i got there... we'd be sitting and im on his lap... one minute he's kissing my back and blowing my hair... then he blurts out something that starts out to be something sweet like "i dont just believe in us. i have faith. cuz belief with action comes faith. at first i believed in us but seeing all the things we've been thru really gave me faith like we're going to be together forever." then he makes this whole thing grounds for an argument...
i think he's just mad that i didnt get him his black chucks... like i said, im superstitious so when tina told me that buying anyone shoes meant they were either going to "walk all over you" or "walk away from you"... i told him that and he got all butt hurt like "i feel like im in a relationship with you and your friends." i mean, where the f*CK did THAT come from?!
then when we're back from the meeting, he leaves me on the couch for like ever... steve's parents were all worried about me... gosh, they are really understanding... they said when he's in here, he might be going thru some major mood swings... so steve called him out cuz it was like 3 minutes till visting hours were over and i still didnt get to see him... i dont go ther to f*cking sit on that couch... i go there to spend our precious lil 2 hours together... when he finally gets out, he wrote me a letter in our notebook...
we went downstairs and we were quiet... i turned my phone on and i heard my mom trippin cuz she found out about my ticket... argh! SO not what i needed right now... then i told him that i think i hafto go and he mentions that his letter is kinda mean... that he's just talking sh*t... and for some reason, that just induced tears from my eyes... we started to talk but it wasnt good either... just talking about what was going on and how we were dealing with it, meaning his gloria situation and my chuckie situation... he says we're on the same boat that they are calling more because we ignore them now... but that we are both trying to tell them to leave us alone... so we swapped warr stories trying to beat each other every time... like "oh yeah, well he/she did this..." talking about that just got us madder...
i didnt even realize it was getting late... that it was WAY past visiting hours and i had to be home by 10:20... i didnt give a sh*t... we talk a little more and he told me even before when he first said he loved me, he felt it but he wasnt sure if he really meant it... and supposedly now he knows he loves me... that he would do anything for me... i couldnt even bear to say it back because he should already know i love him... i do so much for him and if he cant see that then i dont know what else to do...
time goes by pretty damn fast and next thing you know its almost 11... steve comes down to check on us cuz he was worried... we are normally very happy people who are bouncing off walls and stuff... they were telling me to turn on a lighter... steve was impressed how i didnt know how... he had yet to find another girl who didnt know how to light a lighter... he said thats the kind of girl he wants... and kyle agreed... they were all proud of me... but i just really dont know how and when they tell me to start from higher up, i get scared that the fire will touch my fingers and burn me...
after this, i decide to go home and realize my mom went to the movies... but my dad was home and he woulda killed me if he found me coming in late... so i snuck in quietly and went to bed... unfortuantely, this was the most restless night ever... i tossed and turned but nothing... i got up at 9 feeling like i slept for 5 minutes... its wretched... i hope today is a better day...
today was supposed to be a good day... it almost started out that way... i dont mean to brag but i consider myself one of the best girlfriends in the world =P haha... i made two batches of delicious chocolate chip cookies and macadamian/white chocolate cookies for him... i wrote him this 3-paged letter and i was just in an over-all good mood... went to work and it actually wasnt that bad... we were talking about sex and homosexuality... my friend maria is funny cuz she's such a homophobic... then i got off and i was blasting my tv themes cd which was playing ducktales at the time... people were laughing at me cuz i was singing along as i drove away...
when i got there i was all smiles... i was excited for something but i didnt know what... unfortunately, his face told me that it wasnt a good day... we had random little fights about stupid sh*t i cant even remember... he told me "i was acting weird" but that's cuz he was acting real stupid... i was in an awesome mood before i got there... we'd be sitting and im on his lap... one minute he's kissing my back and blowing my hair... then he blurts out something that starts out to be something sweet like "i dont just believe in us. i have faith. cuz belief with action comes faith. at first i believed in us but seeing all the things we've been thru really gave me faith like we're going to be together forever." then he makes this whole thing grounds for an argument...
i think he's just mad that i didnt get him his black chucks... like i said, im superstitious so when tina told me that buying anyone shoes meant they were either going to "walk all over you" or "walk away from you"... i told him that and he got all butt hurt like "i feel like im in a relationship with you and your friends." i mean, where the f*CK did THAT come from?!
then when we're back from the meeting, he leaves me on the couch for like ever... steve's parents were all worried about me... gosh, they are really understanding... they said when he's in here, he might be going thru some major mood swings... so steve called him out cuz it was like 3 minutes till visting hours were over and i still didnt get to see him... i dont go ther to f*cking sit on that couch... i go there to spend our precious lil 2 hours together... when he finally gets out, he wrote me a letter in our notebook...
we went downstairs and we were quiet... i turned my phone on and i heard my mom trippin cuz she found out about my ticket... argh! SO not what i needed right now... then i told him that i think i hafto go and he mentions that his letter is kinda mean... that he's just talking sh*t... and for some reason, that just induced tears from my eyes... we started to talk but it wasnt good either... just talking about what was going on and how we were dealing with it, meaning his gloria situation and my chuckie situation... he says we're on the same boat that they are calling more because we ignore them now... but that we are both trying to tell them to leave us alone... so we swapped warr stories trying to beat each other every time... like "oh yeah, well he/she did this..." talking about that just got us madder...
i didnt even realize it was getting late... that it was WAY past visiting hours and i had to be home by 10:20... i didnt give a sh*t... we talk a little more and he told me even before when he first said he loved me, he felt it but he wasnt sure if he really meant it... and supposedly now he knows he loves me... that he would do anything for me... i couldnt even bear to say it back because he should already know i love him... i do so much for him and if he cant see that then i dont know what else to do...
time goes by pretty damn fast and next thing you know its almost 11... steve comes down to check on us cuz he was worried... we are normally very happy people who are bouncing off walls and stuff... they were telling me to turn on a lighter... steve was impressed how i didnt know how... he had yet to find another girl who didnt know how to light a lighter... he said thats the kind of girl he wants... and kyle agreed... they were all proud of me... but i just really dont know how and when they tell me to start from higher up, i get scared that the fire will touch my fingers and burn me...
after this, i decide to go home and realize my mom went to the movies... but my dad was home and he woulda killed me if he found me coming in late... so i snuck in quietly and went to bed... unfortuantely, this was the most restless night ever... i tossed and turned but nothing... i got up at 9 feeling like i slept for 5 minutes... its wretched... i hope today is a better day...
this heart of mine was broken at 10:06:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, June 26, 2003
Dear heart,
an interesting game:
but the eerie thing is:
notice how i die a month before him in a drive-by shooting... a month later, he cant take life without me and he commits suicide... hehe reasonable enough =P
an interesting game:
but the eerie thing is:
notice how i die a month before him in a drive-by shooting... a month later, he cant take life without me and he commits suicide... hehe reasonable enough =P
this heart of mine was broken at 11:33:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
Dear heart,
i dont know whats going on with me... one day i feel great, the other i feel like crap, now today again it was all gravy... first of all, it was a roller coaster day... it started out pretty ok... i spent some time with my sister... played with my dog... then i went to work...
work is when things became a lil sh*tty... just things that people did were bugging the hell outta me... i just had to leave there... i left early cuz i felt ugly and i didnt want to be there... ugh! i just wasnt feeling ANYthing at that moment...
so i dragged myself to see kyle... like i said, i felt ugly cuz i put my hair up... as i was walking to the door, some guy from the support building was staring at me and asked if i was coming to the meeting upstairs... the dad mumbles, "you wish!" and steve's mom was walking next to me and said, "no, joanne is going to the one her bf is in." haha steve's parents are kick*ss! i sat next to michael and wasnt even smiling... i sat next to him and i got the biggest hug ever... it just washed away all the bad mood in me... he then began to tell me that i looked pretty that day... heehee... i dont know... it was just random nice sh*t he was saying to me that was making me feel like i was a f*cking lottery winner...
during the whole meeting, we would be all lovey lovey... caressing each others hands, face... he holding me tight the whole time... we flirted and you know how much i love flirting with this guy... even tho he is my damn boyfriend... when we got out from break, someone called us "mr. and mrs. kyle"... i pretended to be upset and said, "why cant it be mr. and mrs. joanne?" then we sat down...
he started to say stuff that made me uncomfy but at the same time give me butterflies: "arent you excited to be mrs. diaz? i know you dont like talking about marriage and stuff but that would be cool, huh, baby?" i just laughed nervously and kissed him... like i always do... cuz really, i hate talking about it... it scares me... it sounds so naive and immature to talk about marriage at our age, ya know? but it flatters me when kyle mentions it... because it forces me to dream a little... to be able to see us like he can for those few seconds the words escape his lips... of course it fades immediately after because contrary to popular belief, i do live in the real world... im not dumb... i might not end up with this guy and then again i might... the trick is to not let it get to me... que sera, sera, right? whatever will be, will be... i dont want to get stuck on empty hopes and dreams because i hate having them not come to reality time and again... i dream and hope of today with kyle... yesterday didnt matter, and tomorrow can be dealt with later... today is what im worried about... but so far, there's nothing to worry about...
i lived happily ever after with my prince charming tonight... he gave me a kiss goodbye that literally swept me off of my feet... these are the moments where i feel lucky to be in love...
i dont know whats going on with me... one day i feel great, the other i feel like crap, now today again it was all gravy... first of all, it was a roller coaster day... it started out pretty ok... i spent some time with my sister... played with my dog... then i went to work...
work is when things became a lil sh*tty... just things that people did were bugging the hell outta me... i just had to leave there... i left early cuz i felt ugly and i didnt want to be there... ugh! i just wasnt feeling ANYthing at that moment...
so i dragged myself to see kyle... like i said, i felt ugly cuz i put my hair up... as i was walking to the door, some guy from the support building was staring at me and asked if i was coming to the meeting upstairs... the dad mumbles, "you wish!" and steve's mom was walking next to me and said, "no, joanne is going to the one her bf is in." haha steve's parents are kick*ss! i sat next to michael and wasnt even smiling... i sat next to him and i got the biggest hug ever... it just washed away all the bad mood in me... he then began to tell me that i looked pretty that day... heehee... i dont know... it was just random nice sh*t he was saying to me that was making me feel like i was a f*cking lottery winner...
during the whole meeting, we would be all lovey lovey... caressing each others hands, face... he holding me tight the whole time... we flirted and you know how much i love flirting with this guy... even tho he is my damn boyfriend... when we got out from break, someone called us "mr. and mrs. kyle"... i pretended to be upset and said, "why cant it be mr. and mrs. joanne?" then we sat down...
he started to say stuff that made me uncomfy but at the same time give me butterflies: "arent you excited to be mrs. diaz? i know you dont like talking about marriage and stuff but that would be cool, huh, baby?" i just laughed nervously and kissed him... like i always do... cuz really, i hate talking about it... it scares me... it sounds so naive and immature to talk about marriage at our age, ya know? but it flatters me when kyle mentions it... because it forces me to dream a little... to be able to see us like he can for those few seconds the words escape his lips... of course it fades immediately after because contrary to popular belief, i do live in the real world... im not dumb... i might not end up with this guy and then again i might... the trick is to not let it get to me... que sera, sera, right? whatever will be, will be... i dont want to get stuck on empty hopes and dreams because i hate having them not come to reality time and again... i dream and hope of today with kyle... yesterday didnt matter, and tomorrow can be dealt with later... today is what im worried about... but so far, there's nothing to worry about...
i lived happily ever after with my prince charming tonight... he gave me a kiss goodbye that literally swept me off of my feet... these are the moments where i feel lucky to be in love...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:50:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
im not a fan of online convos on a blog... but i was talking to chuckie... sh*t he says really can get to me... but his mind is so consumed by something else that i really dont understand him...
[[ random lines from chuckie ]]
1) that is stupid first of all you dont really care about him any way just like i dont care about leah its weird that we both stay in relationships that we dont like but fuck micheal he dosent like you talking to other guys because it make him feel like shit either hes real hot or has alot of somthing you want but trust me you will not end up with him he cant tell you what to do leah has no hold over me because she trust me even though she should not
2) look you are way to beautiful to waste on him and his stupid shit
3) i really care about you even if yo dont care about me and i want you to be happy
4) look you need to dump him for real because hes anti progresz
5) if you where mine you would love it i wouldnt cheat on you
6) he's a druggie... that's not your problem
he must think im some idiot... i know what he's trying to do... it amazes me the lengths that people would go to get into your pants... its disgusting! it almost made me cry trying to defend kyle... i dont know if i was starting to tear because he was saying what i wanted to hear or if he was saying things that are partly true or i was just so tired of defending him against everyone, even myself... that conversation got me so frustrated... i love kyle... i hate people who question that because i know in my heart that its true... im trying so hard to behave and it sucks that he's trying to make me do otherwise... god! this made me really f*cking mad! why cant he just leave me be? and why the hell cant i tell him to do that? im such a f*cking coward... but im strong enough to make a stand about us... its so disrespectful to my relationship and to the man i love... dude! wtf?! who does he think he is... his mind is so twisted... people are so egotistical and self-centered... he swears im just gonna break up with kyle and get with him, like he wants me to... im sorry, life doesnt work that way... and to think, he has the nerve to ask me sh*t like that after lying to me so many damn times... it sickens me... i must have a big sign on my forehead that says "im a moron! lie to me please!" ugh!
im not a fan of online convos on a blog... but i was talking to chuckie... sh*t he says really can get to me... but his mind is so consumed by something else that i really dont understand him...
[[ random lines from chuckie ]]
1) that is stupid first of all you dont really care about him any way just like i dont care about leah its weird that we both stay in relationships that we dont like but fuck micheal he dosent like you talking to other guys because it make him feel like shit either hes real hot or has alot of somthing you want but trust me you will not end up with him he cant tell you what to do leah has no hold over me because she trust me even though she should not
2) look you are way to beautiful to waste on him and his stupid shit
3) i really care about you even if yo dont care about me and i want you to be happy
4) look you need to dump him for real because hes anti progresz
5) if you where mine you would love it i wouldnt cheat on you
6) he's a druggie... that's not your problem
he must think im some idiot... i know what he's trying to do... it amazes me the lengths that people would go to get into your pants... its disgusting! it almost made me cry trying to defend kyle... i dont know if i was starting to tear because he was saying what i wanted to hear or if he was saying things that are partly true or i was just so tired of defending him against everyone, even myself... that conversation got me so frustrated... i love kyle... i hate people who question that because i know in my heart that its true... im trying so hard to behave and it sucks that he's trying to make me do otherwise... god! this made me really f*cking mad! why cant he just leave me be? and why the hell cant i tell him to do that? im such a f*cking coward... but im strong enough to make a stand about us... its so disrespectful to my relationship and to the man i love... dude! wtf?! who does he think he is... his mind is so twisted... people are so egotistical and self-centered... he swears im just gonna break up with kyle and get with him, like he wants me to... im sorry, life doesnt work that way... and to think, he has the nerve to ask me sh*t like that after lying to me so many damn times... it sickens me... i must have a big sign on my forehead that says "im a moron! lie to me please!" ugh!
this heart of mine was broken at 12:59:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
today was actually a perfect day... its quite rare to experience those these days, especially if you're me...
it started pretty early considering it is my 10:00 spanish day... but i woke up early so i could eat breakfast with milo at school... that woke me up, at least... then i kept missing my calls but i couldnt call back cuz it was private number... so while i was walking to class, i finally heard the ring and picked it up... it turns out to be jungle boy... what a(n) [pleasant/unpleasant] suprise! well he tells me he broke his ankle and suggested me to visit so i agreed to after class... as luck would have it, my class got canceled! so yip!
i head over to his place and i end up taking care of him: massaging his leg, feeding him, carrying him to the table... yes i am a very sweet girl (strong too) and it makes me sick... and as we hold each other on the couch watching blue crush and triple XxX, i start to question if i really mean(t) anything to him... why can't he just love me again? look what a perfect girlfriend i am! is he f*cking blind? but i shook those thoughts away because im tired of being my own killjoy... i just wanted to enjoy my moment showing love to the boy who owns my heart... i wonder if he ever kicks himself for leaving me... or does he ever ask himself as to why we broke up in the first place? anyway, i stay there for more than 3 hours... this is like the most time ive spent with him since we've broken up... and it was just our time... i forgot my stupid lenten promise and felt really guilty to give it up so easily... "love" really f*cks up your mentality sometimes...
so i leave and pick up noel so he can run errands with me... so i pick up my sister, take a shower, then go to a carwash... then i went to his house and played with the kids... yay! his family still loves me... so i take him to school and then i head for milo's house... i end up sleeping there while they played shinobi cuz i was so tired... a call wakes me up and its fred and we had a date planned earlier but i just forgot... but since i was hungry, i decided to leave and have him go eat with me... so i get to his house and his friends are there, who are quite flirtatious i might add... almost to a point of shame... but he's the best looking out of all of them so yay! we play basketball and just have fun hanging out... finally i told him i had to go home and he asks again if i wanted to be in a relationship... heehee, i just laughed, called him silly, and went in my car...
on my way home, i decided to stop by dopey's house... seriously, ive missed this boy most... i havent seen him since tuesday... well i stop by his pad and we kinda just hug outside... i couldnt stay long cuz my dad was trippin again... so yes... that was my day... i saw every boy that is important in my life right now... the only problem is, i didnt make a lot of time to prepare my speech... im stupid... so now i know ima sound stupid tomorrow... wish me luck anyway!
today was actually a perfect day... its quite rare to experience those these days, especially if you're me...
it started pretty early considering it is my 10:00 spanish day... but i woke up early so i could eat breakfast with milo at school... that woke me up, at least... then i kept missing my calls but i couldnt call back cuz it was private number... so while i was walking to class, i finally heard the ring and picked it up... it turns out to be jungle boy... what a(n) [pleasant/unpleasant] suprise! well he tells me he broke his ankle and suggested me to visit so i agreed to after class... as luck would have it, my class got canceled! so yip!
i head over to his place and i end up taking care of him: massaging his leg, feeding him, carrying him to the table... yes i am a very sweet girl (strong too) and it makes me sick... and as we hold each other on the couch watching blue crush and triple XxX, i start to question if i really mean(t) anything to him... why can't he just love me again? look what a perfect girlfriend i am! is he f*cking blind? but i shook those thoughts away because im tired of being my own killjoy... i just wanted to enjoy my moment showing love to the boy who owns my heart... i wonder if he ever kicks himself for leaving me... or does he ever ask himself as to why we broke up in the first place? anyway, i stay there for more than 3 hours... this is like the most time ive spent with him since we've broken up... and it was just our time... i forgot my stupid lenten promise and felt really guilty to give it up so easily... "love" really f*cks up your mentality sometimes...
so i leave and pick up noel so he can run errands with me... so i pick up my sister, take a shower, then go to a carwash... then i went to his house and played with the kids... yay! his family still loves me... so i take him to school and then i head for milo's house... i end up sleeping there while they played shinobi cuz i was so tired... a call wakes me up and its fred and we had a date planned earlier but i just forgot... but since i was hungry, i decided to leave and have him go eat with me... so i get to his house and his friends are there, who are quite flirtatious i might add... almost to a point of shame... but he's the best looking out of all of them so yay! we play basketball and just have fun hanging out... finally i told him i had to go home and he asks again if i wanted to be in a relationship... heehee, i just laughed, called him silly, and went in my car...
on my way home, i decided to stop by dopey's house... seriously, ive missed this boy most... i havent seen him since tuesday... well i stop by his pad and we kinda just hug outside... i couldnt stay long cuz my dad was trippin again... so yes... that was my day... i saw every boy that is important in my life right now... the only problem is, i didnt make a lot of time to prepare my speech... im stupid... so now i know ima sound stupid tomorrow... wish me luck anyway!
this heart of mine was broken at 12:31:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
Dear heart,
today was hard for me... it was one of those times again where i didnt feel like being there... i just felt so trapped but i wanted to run out of those doors... why was i wasting my life in that place with him? what did i do to deserve such a punishment? i never did drugs... that's not me... i dont have a problem like him...
it started to eat away at me slowly as to my intentions for being there... i didnt need to be there... i act like he's the only man in this world... i swear i wont find another love just as good, and maybe even better than the one i have... there must be a good looking man who will treat me right that doesnt have all this baggage... why cant i ever have normal relationships?
why cant i bump into my prince charming in the rain and have him ask me into a coffee shop to talk... then at the end of our conversation, we realize that we are perfect for each other... there is nothing devastatingly wrong with him... maybe he bites his nails or has an over-bearing father- you know, things people can look past... he doesnt have a drug problem, a past of cheating, a family that hates you, a lying problem, a deficiency for giving affection, an exgirlfriend he cant get over, a tendency to verbally, mentally, or physically abuse me in any way, or a conversational disadvantage of being boring... and all this comes from experience from many guys i "fell in love" with... yeah, minx was right... i do fall for guys way too fast and way too much... but then im usually not happy... they always end up breaking my heart or something happens... maybe what i meant to say in my previous entry was that its not every day you fall in love and stay happy about it...
then i read his letter and it kinda made me feel like sh*t... it was telling me how he really loved me and how he realizes that every day... ugh! why am i such a selfish b*tch?!
today was hard for me... it was one of those times again where i didnt feel like being there... i just felt so trapped but i wanted to run out of those doors... why was i wasting my life in that place with him? what did i do to deserve such a punishment? i never did drugs... that's not me... i dont have a problem like him...
it started to eat away at me slowly as to my intentions for being there... i didnt need to be there... i act like he's the only man in this world... i swear i wont find another love just as good, and maybe even better than the one i have... there must be a good looking man who will treat me right that doesnt have all this baggage... why cant i ever have normal relationships?
why cant i bump into my prince charming in the rain and have him ask me into a coffee shop to talk... then at the end of our conversation, we realize that we are perfect for each other... there is nothing devastatingly wrong with him... maybe he bites his nails or has an over-bearing father- you know, things people can look past... he doesnt have a drug problem, a past of cheating, a family that hates you, a lying problem, a deficiency for giving affection, an exgirlfriend he cant get over, a tendency to verbally, mentally, or physically abuse me in any way, or a conversational disadvantage of being boring... and all this comes from experience from many guys i "fell in love" with... yeah, minx was right... i do fall for guys way too fast and way too much... but then im usually not happy... they always end up breaking my heart or something happens... maybe what i meant to say in my previous entry was that its not every day you fall in love and stay happy about it...
then i read his letter and it kinda made me feel like sh*t... it was telling me how he really loved me and how he realizes that every day... ugh! why am i such a selfish b*tch?!
this heart of mine was broken at 11:54:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, June 23, 2003
Dear heart,
i know i constantly question my reasons for doing so much for him... for sacrificing my time just to be with him... sometimes im not too sure if its all worth it... then i go see him and he reminds me of all the reasons why i do all that... and it all comes down to the fact that i love him... this is what love is all about... its about giving up lil sh*t to add up to this big wonderful thing... i really liked how he was today... he was being affectionate and i was actually in the mood for it... we have such bad timing with our needs sometimes that sometimes when i need to be held, he's being normal and the times when he's lovey dovey, im just whatev about the whole thing...
he did all the things i adore... like running his fingres thru my hair while looking into my eyes, caressing my shoulders and neck and back, tenderly touching my face like i was something special... he leans over and whispers that he loves me... its like he reads my mind because just the other day i was complaining about wanting to hear it... i mean, he always acts like it but sometimes you need him to say it... the funny thing is he told me like 3 times today...
he also told me about this dream he had last night... he was getting married... i was trying to joke and asked if i was in it as at least the bridesmaid... he laughed at me and told me that his ex turned out to be a bridesmaid... i made a face... i really hate that b*tch... but i was the one he was dreaming of marrying so i didnt complain... he told me he missed me all day... i love it when he tells me sh*t like that... cuz im always feeling like that... cuts my yearning in half knowing he feels the same... he was hugging me all hard and repeating "we were getting married." it just made me want to cry because he seemed so happy... i wanted to share that dream too... i wanted it to be more than just a damn dream... ugh! im such a silly girl... because honestly, i cant really see myself married yet... like i can picture me in that poofy beautiful wedding dress walking towards the altar... there's someone waiting for me but his identity is still unknown... kyle hasnt fully covinced me to make me see him in that man's blank face... but he really comes close to it sometimes... he started telling me how lucky he felt to be with a "beautiful woman" like me... he looks at me and repeats "really lucky"... and i hate weird confrontative romantic moments... so i told him to shut up and tried to change the subject... i got really happy tho... i felt all special... hehe see words like that make my week... that sh*t will last me for days...
anyway, we were in our own little world today... we didnt even feel like socializing... just sitting there in the benches necking... i know if i saw us, it would made me sick... or have me embarassed for us... but nothing mattered... its like we needed each other... kissing this time felt like we havent in ages... i even forgot for a second that people were there... we continued our friskiness in the quiet room but this time it was very passionate... the whole looking into each others eyes deal... i felt really close to him... when he was done, we sat there and he told me to never leave... it really made me miss him sleeping over... i hate having to ever leave him... he walked me downstairs and i didnt want this whole atmosphere to end... i didnt want our spell to be broken... tomorrow will be a different day and i know that i will continue to question again... but for now, i feel content... and thankful for my love... its not everyday you fall in love... maybe im the one who got lucky...
i know i constantly question my reasons for doing so much for him... for sacrificing my time just to be with him... sometimes im not too sure if its all worth it... then i go see him and he reminds me of all the reasons why i do all that... and it all comes down to the fact that i love him... this is what love is all about... its about giving up lil sh*t to add up to this big wonderful thing... i really liked how he was today... he was being affectionate and i was actually in the mood for it... we have such bad timing with our needs sometimes that sometimes when i need to be held, he's being normal and the times when he's lovey dovey, im just whatev about the whole thing...
he did all the things i adore... like running his fingres thru my hair while looking into my eyes, caressing my shoulders and neck and back, tenderly touching my face like i was something special... he leans over and whispers that he loves me... its like he reads my mind because just the other day i was complaining about wanting to hear it... i mean, he always acts like it but sometimes you need him to say it... the funny thing is he told me like 3 times today...
he also told me about this dream he had last night... he was getting married... i was trying to joke and asked if i was in it as at least the bridesmaid... he laughed at me and told me that his ex turned out to be a bridesmaid... i made a face... i really hate that b*tch... but i was the one he was dreaming of marrying so i didnt complain... he told me he missed me all day... i love it when he tells me sh*t like that... cuz im always feeling like that... cuts my yearning in half knowing he feels the same... he was hugging me all hard and repeating "we were getting married." it just made me want to cry because he seemed so happy... i wanted to share that dream too... i wanted it to be more than just a damn dream... ugh! im such a silly girl... because honestly, i cant really see myself married yet... like i can picture me in that poofy beautiful wedding dress walking towards the altar... there's someone waiting for me but his identity is still unknown... kyle hasnt fully covinced me to make me see him in that man's blank face... but he really comes close to it sometimes... he started telling me how lucky he felt to be with a "beautiful woman" like me... he looks at me and repeats "really lucky"... and i hate weird confrontative romantic moments... so i told him to shut up and tried to change the subject... i got really happy tho... i felt all special... hehe see words like that make my week... that sh*t will last me for days...
anyway, we were in our own little world today... we didnt even feel like socializing... just sitting there in the benches necking... i know if i saw us, it would made me sick... or have me embarassed for us... but nothing mattered... its like we needed each other... kissing this time felt like we havent in ages... i even forgot for a second that people were there... we continued our friskiness in the quiet room but this time it was very passionate... the whole looking into each others eyes deal... i felt really close to him... when he was done, we sat there and he told me to never leave... it really made me miss him sleeping over... i hate having to ever leave him... he walked me downstairs and i didnt want this whole atmosphere to end... i didnt want our spell to be broken... tomorrow will be a different day and i know that i will continue to question again... but for now, i feel content... and thankful for my love... its not everyday you fall in love... maybe im the one who got lucky...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:03:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
sunday wasnt actually that bad for once... i developed some pics and they turned out ok... went to the mall with my sister and ging... i actually got to be free today... we rented videos but before that we visited kyle... i gave him some candy and he got all happy...
i had a dream about him last night... i was annoyed of him but at the same time trying to see him... i know this is random but i wonder if he misses her... sometimes i wanna go back to the way things were before he came into my life... i miss my care-free attitude... the one that wouldnt ever get me into trouble or ever let my feelings be hurt... i was invincible at one point and i thought nothing could stand in my way... but something always does... a random boy happened to stumble upon my heart and decided to keep the damn thing... sometimes i really pray that this is worth it... that it will all end up good in the end... that im not wasting my time and weekends visiting him when i could be having the best summer of my life...
thats my main fear, i think... that maybe all of this isnt worth the effort... that i should just let go now... really assessing this whole thing, i have no real benefits in this except seeing my love happy... or having time to spend with him... thats all... and sometimes im not sure if he is a good trade for everything else in my life...
sunday wasnt actually that bad for once... i developed some pics and they turned out ok... went to the mall with my sister and ging... i actually got to be free today... we rented videos but before that we visited kyle... i gave him some candy and he got all happy...
i had a dream about him last night... i was annoyed of him but at the same time trying to see him... i know this is random but i wonder if he misses her... sometimes i wanna go back to the way things were before he came into my life... i miss my care-free attitude... the one that wouldnt ever get me into trouble or ever let my feelings be hurt... i was invincible at one point and i thought nothing could stand in my way... but something always does... a random boy happened to stumble upon my heart and decided to keep the damn thing... sometimes i really pray that this is worth it... that it will all end up good in the end... that im not wasting my time and weekends visiting him when i could be having the best summer of my life...
thats my main fear, i think... that maybe all of this isnt worth the effort... that i should just let go now... really assessing this whole thing, i have no real benefits in this except seeing my love happy... or having time to spend with him... thats all... and sometimes im not sure if he is a good trade for everything else in my life...
this heart of mine was broken at 12:46:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, June 22, 2003
Dear heart,
going to those meeting with kyle made me realize something today... i am an addict too... i have my own addictions that i cant get over, where i cant help but constantly relapse... its just little random sh*t that sparks it too... i mean, im pretty good and i think im over my stupid addiction... and one day something happens and BOOM- im at it again! im really f*cked up sometimes... and im not talking about drugs, alcohol, or sex... its a completely mutated obsession of something long ago... argh!
today i brought him in 'n' out... he was eternally grateful of course but he just ate... he forced it down anyway and enjoyed every damn bite... hehe... we got the room today so that was fun... we got so tired we slept there most of the damn day... we eventually had to leave but he was tired... so he asked if i could just come back so he could sleep because he didnt want to leave me wandering around, which i would have been perfectly fine with... "i dont trust these people with you" o for crying out loud, can anyone get any more paranoid?! so i left kinda pissed and decided to almost indulge myself in my hopeless addiction... thank god it didnt completely come through... i was confused and talked to tina about it...
i got back to cider house and he was just damn chipper... he didnt sleep after all because he forgot he had duties... which made me mad because he almost drove me to my insanity yet again... *sigh, this is supposed to be my own journal and im supposed to feel free to say whatever the f*ck it is i want to say but it doesnt work that way nowadays... people i know read this...
anyway i sat in the meeting mad as hell... i didnt want to be there... my mind was just so f*cked up to the close call of another relapse that i couldnt stand them talking about the shit we need in our life... because i know i needed them too... i was one of them- an addict... i need the courage and the self control to just say no to myself next time... i need love so i wont even think of bad sh*t like that... those are some of the things they discussed in there that just sent me into a war game inside my mind... i totally zoned out and just got mad at kyle for making faces at a lil girl... i dont know if i was jealous or wut but i just felt like walking out of there... wen we got out, i still wasnt feeling better... "almost" doesnt count but "almosts" to me will get me to the point of having it count...
we watched navy seals in the meeting room with his friends... we sat on a couch near the back and talked about sex... haha just talking about it turned us one... but we were powerless to do anything... i love it when we just look at each other and he leans over to kiss me... it makes me feel like im in some f*cking romantic movie or some sh*t... its such a stupid girl question to ask but i mumbled, "do you love me?" oh gag me with dried old dog anal secretions... i was just all into the moment... looking deeply into his eyes and all... "with all my heart" was his answer... i made a face like i always do and think he is lying... i dont even know why i ask cuz i wont believe him anyway... just cuz i dont believe, doesnt mean i dont like him saying it... yeah, girls are confusing... i would know, i am one... haha
so we go downstairs and take pictures with steve's parents... i'll post pics later... i know sometimes i think love is bullsh*t... sometimes i think kyle just bullsh*ts me with it, i dont really know what his intentions could be to do that but maybe he's just a sadist or whatnot... hehe not really... but its so hard to believe in that when ive been thru all this failed relationship crap... but what i do know is i feel like i love him... who knows if its real or if im just overly infatuated with this boy... my heart tells me that i am so i'll go with it... and my eyes are telling me im tired so i think i'll go with that too...
going to those meeting with kyle made me realize something today... i am an addict too... i have my own addictions that i cant get over, where i cant help but constantly relapse... its just little random sh*t that sparks it too... i mean, im pretty good and i think im over my stupid addiction... and one day something happens and BOOM- im at it again! im really f*cked up sometimes... and im not talking about drugs, alcohol, or sex... its a completely mutated obsession of something long ago... argh!
today i brought him in 'n' out... he was eternally grateful of course but he just ate... he forced it down anyway and enjoyed every damn bite... hehe... we got the room today so that was fun... we got so tired we slept there most of the damn day... we eventually had to leave but he was tired... so he asked if i could just come back so he could sleep because he didnt want to leave me wandering around, which i would have been perfectly fine with... "i dont trust these people with you" o for crying out loud, can anyone get any more paranoid?! so i left kinda pissed and decided to almost indulge myself in my hopeless addiction... thank god it didnt completely come through... i was confused and talked to tina about it...
i got back to cider house and he was just damn chipper... he didnt sleep after all because he forgot he had duties... which made me mad because he almost drove me to my insanity yet again... *sigh, this is supposed to be my own journal and im supposed to feel free to say whatever the f*ck it is i want to say but it doesnt work that way nowadays... people i know read this...
anyway i sat in the meeting mad as hell... i didnt want to be there... my mind was just so f*cked up to the close call of another relapse that i couldnt stand them talking about the shit we need in our life... because i know i needed them too... i was one of them- an addict... i need the courage and the self control to just say no to myself next time... i need love so i wont even think of bad sh*t like that... those are some of the things they discussed in there that just sent me into a war game inside my mind... i totally zoned out and just got mad at kyle for making faces at a lil girl... i dont know if i was jealous or wut but i just felt like walking out of there... wen we got out, i still wasnt feeling better... "almost" doesnt count but "almosts" to me will get me to the point of having it count...
we watched navy seals in the meeting room with his friends... we sat on a couch near the back and talked about sex... haha just talking about it turned us one... but we were powerless to do anything... i love it when we just look at each other and he leans over to kiss me... it makes me feel like im in some f*cking romantic movie or some sh*t... its such a stupid girl question to ask but i mumbled, "do you love me?" oh gag me with dried old dog anal secretions... i was just all into the moment... looking deeply into his eyes and all... "with all my heart" was his answer... i made a face like i always do and think he is lying... i dont even know why i ask cuz i wont believe him anyway... just cuz i dont believe, doesnt mean i dont like him saying it... yeah, girls are confusing... i would know, i am one... haha
so we go downstairs and take pictures with steve's parents... i'll post pics later... i know sometimes i think love is bullsh*t... sometimes i think kyle just bullsh*ts me with it, i dont really know what his intentions could be to do that but maybe he's just a sadist or whatnot... hehe not really... but its so hard to believe in that when ive been thru all this failed relationship crap... but what i do know is i feel like i love him... who knows if its real or if im just overly infatuated with this boy... my heart tells me that i am so i'll go with it... and my eyes are telling me im tired so i think i'll go with that too...
this heart of mine was broken at 12:51:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, June 21, 2003
Dear heart,
i am not bitter... no i am not upset at the fact that i got home at 10:15 on a friday night... no i am not mad that it did not feel like a friday at all, but just another weekday... no i am not disappointed that i wasnt screaming "TGIF" down my street as i drove away instead im mumbling to myself like "are you serious? its friday today? no its not..." and lastly no you are not a dumb*ss for believing all my sarcasm right now...
im not saying it was a bad day... it really wasnt... the thing that bugged me was it just felt like any normal day... not a friday, not my "free day" as i call it... so i stayed home all day until 5 when it was time to visit kyle... he's always so happy to see me that its really worth it sometimes... i think the whole lack-of-sleep thing is really getting to me... i was so tired that the moment we sat down for the meeting, i was already starting to doze off... i slept thru the first speaker, which i thought was quite rude on my part... but i really couldnt help it...
i dont know why im so superstitious but i say the stupidest sh*t because of it sometimes... "we're not gonna end up together, you know." i just blurted it out right when we were hugging each other outside... see im so f*cking honest with him, he constantly sees the moronic side of me, he hears the insane paranoid thoughts that circulate in my brain... he stops and looks at me like "what did you just say?" and i tried to explain myself...
earlier in the day i was doing some weird voodoo crud to see how many kids and what kind he was having... he is going to have a boy... the bad thing about that is im having one girl... so this basically means we arent having each other's children... which doesnt add up to equal being with each other in the future... he thought i was crazy and kinda dumb for believing stuff like that... but how else am i supposed to determine whether he is right for me? powers beyond my own do that... my judgment is cloudy and f*cked up... so i must rely on other sources... it sounds really lame, i know... just reading it makes me give myself the look that he gave me like i was out of my mind...
we started kissing after that... i dont know if he figured that would change my mind... well, it made me not think of it anymore but the seed of doubt has been planted and has taken root... you cant get rid of that sh*t cuz im superstitious as hell... i read my tarot cards 2 days before finding out bryan cheated on me and it told me to beware of heartbreak... to be prepared for change... i was like "huh? naw... it cant be that bad. maybe a bad test score?" that sh*t was bad...
i can be so weird... but we are happy... maybe we arent doing the stuff normal couples do like go to movies or go out for dinner, instead we sit in meetings and wait for our food in the kitchen/cafeteria... but we do have fun and its enough to just be with each other... im not really complaining... i just really long for what my friday nights use to be like... he's sober 24 days and im proud of him... august 6 he gets out and we will finally be allowed to live normally and have a regular relationship, with the occasional meetings to attend... i cant wait ;)
i am not bitter... no i am not upset at the fact that i got home at 10:15 on a friday night... no i am not mad that it did not feel like a friday at all, but just another weekday... no i am not disappointed that i wasnt screaming "TGIF" down my street as i drove away instead im mumbling to myself like "are you serious? its friday today? no its not..." and lastly no you are not a dumb*ss for believing all my sarcasm right now...
im not saying it was a bad day... it really wasnt... the thing that bugged me was it just felt like any normal day... not a friday, not my "free day" as i call it... so i stayed home all day until 5 when it was time to visit kyle... he's always so happy to see me that its really worth it sometimes... i think the whole lack-of-sleep thing is really getting to me... i was so tired that the moment we sat down for the meeting, i was already starting to doze off... i slept thru the first speaker, which i thought was quite rude on my part... but i really couldnt help it...
i dont know why im so superstitious but i say the stupidest sh*t because of it sometimes... "we're not gonna end up together, you know." i just blurted it out right when we were hugging each other outside... see im so f*cking honest with him, he constantly sees the moronic side of me, he hears the insane paranoid thoughts that circulate in my brain... he stops and looks at me like "what did you just say?" and i tried to explain myself...
earlier in the day i was doing some weird voodoo crud to see how many kids and what kind he was having... he is going to have a boy... the bad thing about that is im having one girl... so this basically means we arent having each other's children... which doesnt add up to equal being with each other in the future... he thought i was crazy and kinda dumb for believing stuff like that... but how else am i supposed to determine whether he is right for me? powers beyond my own do that... my judgment is cloudy and f*cked up... so i must rely on other sources... it sounds really lame, i know... just reading it makes me give myself the look that he gave me like i was out of my mind...
we started kissing after that... i dont know if he figured that would change my mind... well, it made me not think of it anymore but the seed of doubt has been planted and has taken root... you cant get rid of that sh*t cuz im superstitious as hell... i read my tarot cards 2 days before finding out bryan cheated on me and it told me to beware of heartbreak... to be prepared for change... i was like "huh? naw... it cant be that bad. maybe a bad test score?" that sh*t was bad...
i can be so weird... but we are happy... maybe we arent doing the stuff normal couples do like go to movies or go out for dinner, instead we sit in meetings and wait for our food in the kitchen/cafeteria... but we do have fun and its enough to just be with each other... im not really complaining... i just really long for what my friday nights use to be like... he's sober 24 days and im proud of him... august 6 he gets out and we will finally be allowed to live normally and have a regular relationship, with the occasional meetings to attend... i cant wait ;)
this heart of mine was broken at 12:10:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, June 20, 2003
Dear heart,
blah! new layout... do you like it? it seems kinda cheesy but i worked hard on it... can you comment if you prefer this one or revert to my old one?
thanks...
blah! new layout... do you like it? it seems kinda cheesy but i worked hard on it... can you comment if you prefer this one or revert to my old one?
thanks...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:27:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, June 19, 2003
Dear heart,
i f*cking KNEW it!!!
You are a... Love Dream!
What Kind of Dream Are You
brought to you by Quizilla
anyroad, today was a decent day... like i said, that cider place has become my second home with steve's parents as my adopted ones... it would be weird not to go there everyday... when i go to florida for 2 weeks, i dont know how i will survive... ive become so dependent on the effect that place has on me... all my homies in there- such genuine people it amazes me... it makes me want to cry thinking about the relationships that form in that place...
i really am happy with kyle... we were talking about moving somewhere far from here and i agreed at first, but i like the beach... i love california... if we move, i want to live in san diego... i cant wait till we get our sh*t together... i want him to get his own place already so i can sleep over there whenever i want... that can be my third home, since second place goes to the cider house... when he is done with that program, i want to take steve and his parents with us... they are too cool... they really feel like one of our own... its great... when i grow old and get married, i want it to be just like them... happy, honest, and a good looking couple... hehe...
there really isnt much to write... nothing really going on... i was talking to kyle about pina colada today... how i miss her sometimes but she's irritated with everyone again and i dont want to get on her bad side, if im not there already... sometimes i wish i could have that effect on her where i call her up and just make her day... take away her bad mood... i hope she's ok... kyle has learned to listen to my stories about her... he's learning to trust me now... he's starting to understand the difference between a crush and cheating on him... i wouldnt do that... not to him anyway... i love that fool way too much... yeah, i've seriously become a softie... he tamed me... holy crap, can you believe its been done? someone finally tamed my wild, wild heart...
i f*cking KNEW it!!!
You are a... Love Dream!
What Kind of Dream Are You
brought to you by Quizilla
anyroad, today was a decent day... like i said, that cider place has become my second home with steve's parents as my adopted ones... it would be weird not to go there everyday... when i go to florida for 2 weeks, i dont know how i will survive... ive become so dependent on the effect that place has on me... all my homies in there- such genuine people it amazes me... it makes me want to cry thinking about the relationships that form in that place...
i really am happy with kyle... we were talking about moving somewhere far from here and i agreed at first, but i like the beach... i love california... if we move, i want to live in san diego... i cant wait till we get our sh*t together... i want him to get his own place already so i can sleep over there whenever i want... that can be my third home, since second place goes to the cider house... when he is done with that program, i want to take steve and his parents with us... they are too cool... they really feel like one of our own... its great... when i grow old and get married, i want it to be just like them... happy, honest, and a good looking couple... hehe...
there really isnt much to write... nothing really going on... i was talking to kyle about pina colada today... how i miss her sometimes but she's irritated with everyone again and i dont want to get on her bad side, if im not there already... sometimes i wish i could have that effect on her where i call her up and just make her day... take away her bad mood... i hope she's ok... kyle has learned to listen to my stories about her... he's learning to trust me now... he's starting to understand the difference between a crush and cheating on him... i wouldnt do that... not to him anyway... i love that fool way too much... yeah, i've seriously become a softie... he tamed me... holy crap, can you believe its been done? someone finally tamed my wild, wild heart...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:25:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
(1:08 AM)
Dear heart,
as i sip the last gulps of my second helping of a frappucino, i soon realize it was going to be yet another sleepless night... its been quite common the past 2 weeks... you'd think i'd be tired by now... ive slept no earlier than 2 every night just cuz i couldnt sleep... i'd be playing with my picture it or have some little project i assign myself... except for last night, of course because i actually got to sleep at 11:57... i was just too frustrated to even stay awake and i couldnt really put myself to do anything... i guess im ready to write a really long entry that i will keep writing until i get ready to pass out...
on my way to cider house, i really thought i would end up feeling worse in there... i was cranky and i wanted to run over a couple of random passersby... when i got there, i was looking for him for a good 2 minutes... i was looking for him everywhere until i finally found him outside... i had all this baggage in my heart but the moment our eyes met, it all just melted away in that second... i saw his big goofy smile and his head full of cute teddy bear hair, and i had to smile back... he does that to me, ya know... he has that much power... to make my day sh*tty or splendid... it amazes me how we could go through some f*cked up sh*t and still get that "complete" feeling when we are together... to still have it feel right between us...
he really liked that 6-paged letter i wrote... i actually found it quite hostile but i guess he appreciated the blunt honesty, which was the reason why he fell in love with me in the first place... he called it "dope" and said i was a good writer... that i knew how to put words together... now i wanted to re-read whatever the hell i wrote... i didnt really think much of it when i was writing... it was more like me pouring out what was inside on this piece of paper... it was my heart's whispers escaping through this pen... i've really tried to be completely honest in the relationship... i just found that it works and it makes things simple because there are no hidden meanings or messages... its just what it is...
i think kyle is the only person who is not in my family that has seen me without makeup for more than 5 minutes... yeah, friends have seen me but i always had to put some on right away... i always felet so naked and empty without my beloved make-up... it has came to the point of obsession where i cant go anywhere without it... but i have woken up to kyle so many times with no hint of the mask on my face and still felt pretty... most importantly, i felt comfortable... like it was ok to look like this... what was he gonna do? break up with me just cuz i look like sh*t when i first get up? it has become this intense fear for people to see me without anything on... cuz i feel too damn exposed, it makes me nervous... i have really become quite dependent on make-up... sad to say but its true... but i dont have that fear with kyle... what i really love about this whole relationship is that i feel like he truly knows me because i never hid a thing from him... and amidst all that, he still accepts me for all i am... i think i always hold back a little with everyone because im scared of their disapproval... its not like that with kyle...
sometimes even my mom doesnt get me and she is like my best friend... like last night, one of the reasons why i slept all early was that she really pissed me off... she comes home from a party telling me that my cousin is going to be a nurse... i mean, that's nice... good for her... what did she want me to do about it? then she continues on to say "she's going to make more money than you." seriously, who the f*ck cares? i want to to be a damn teacher... doesnt she think i know they dont make good money? doesnt she understand that i have contemplated being a nurse a million times over and found no joy in the thought... i would choose doing something i love for just about nothing rather than something i dont care about for a lot... i have the brain capacity to be a nurse... im a smart girl- i can be whatever the hell i want to be just as long as i put my mind to it... it's just i dont want to be a nurse... you know how complete i feel when im in a class with those kids... i loved volunteering! i miss my kids when im not there... i can honestly wake up every day with a smile knowing im going to a room with those precious children... i could never feel that way about going to a hospital... its just not me...
i know the issue of money comes up a lot when choosing a career but f*ck money! i hate money even though i need it... maybe that's why i hate it so much... why cant we all just do what we love to do? where every person makes a big contribution in society by doing what they love to do best... not like sleeping or any lazy piece of crap activity like that but rela work... i think life would be simpler without the concept of money... i know i dream of anarchy but i guess it seems simple enough in my head...
im actually doing three things at once... im writing on you, editing pictures, and trying to create a poem to match the damn thing so i can post it on my melo... im going to get going on the last two since i think im over-writing, if that's even possible... im not tired at all so i might continue with you when im done... let's hope i get tired and go nap now...
( i ended up sleeping at 5:30 or so and woke up at 9... im so f*cking tired)
Dear heart,
as i sip the last gulps of my second helping of a frappucino, i soon realize it was going to be yet another sleepless night... its been quite common the past 2 weeks... you'd think i'd be tired by now... ive slept no earlier than 2 every night just cuz i couldnt sleep... i'd be playing with my picture it or have some little project i assign myself... except for last night, of course because i actually got to sleep at 11:57... i was just too frustrated to even stay awake and i couldnt really put myself to do anything... i guess im ready to write a really long entry that i will keep writing until i get ready to pass out...
on my way to cider house, i really thought i would end up feeling worse in there... i was cranky and i wanted to run over a couple of random passersby... when i got there, i was looking for him for a good 2 minutes... i was looking for him everywhere until i finally found him outside... i had all this baggage in my heart but the moment our eyes met, it all just melted away in that second... i saw his big goofy smile and his head full of cute teddy bear hair, and i had to smile back... he does that to me, ya know... he has that much power... to make my day sh*tty or splendid... it amazes me how we could go through some f*cked up sh*t and still get that "complete" feeling when we are together... to still have it feel right between us...
he really liked that 6-paged letter i wrote... i actually found it quite hostile but i guess he appreciated the blunt honesty, which was the reason why he fell in love with me in the first place... he called it "dope" and said i was a good writer... that i knew how to put words together... now i wanted to re-read whatever the hell i wrote... i didnt really think much of it when i was writing... it was more like me pouring out what was inside on this piece of paper... it was my heart's whispers escaping through this pen... i've really tried to be completely honest in the relationship... i just found that it works and it makes things simple because there are no hidden meanings or messages... its just what it is...
i think kyle is the only person who is not in my family that has seen me without makeup for more than 5 minutes... yeah, friends have seen me but i always had to put some on right away... i always felet so naked and empty without my beloved make-up... it has came to the point of obsession where i cant go anywhere without it... but i have woken up to kyle so many times with no hint of the mask on my face and still felt pretty... most importantly, i felt comfortable... like it was ok to look like this... what was he gonna do? break up with me just cuz i look like sh*t when i first get up? it has become this intense fear for people to see me without anything on... cuz i feel too damn exposed, it makes me nervous... i have really become quite dependent on make-up... sad to say but its true... but i dont have that fear with kyle... what i really love about this whole relationship is that i feel like he truly knows me because i never hid a thing from him... and amidst all that, he still accepts me for all i am... i think i always hold back a little with everyone because im scared of their disapproval... its not like that with kyle...
sometimes even my mom doesnt get me and she is like my best friend... like last night, one of the reasons why i slept all early was that she really pissed me off... she comes home from a party telling me that my cousin is going to be a nurse... i mean, that's nice... good for her... what did she want me to do about it? then she continues on to say "she's going to make more money than you." seriously, who the f*ck cares? i want to to be a damn teacher... doesnt she think i know they dont make good money? doesnt she understand that i have contemplated being a nurse a million times over and found no joy in the thought... i would choose doing something i love for just about nothing rather than something i dont care about for a lot... i have the brain capacity to be a nurse... im a smart girl- i can be whatever the hell i want to be just as long as i put my mind to it... it's just i dont want to be a nurse... you know how complete i feel when im in a class with those kids... i loved volunteering! i miss my kids when im not there... i can honestly wake up every day with a smile knowing im going to a room with those precious children... i could never feel that way about going to a hospital... its just not me...
i know the issue of money comes up a lot when choosing a career but f*ck money! i hate money even though i need it... maybe that's why i hate it so much... why cant we all just do what we love to do? where every person makes a big contribution in society by doing what they love to do best... not like sleeping or any lazy piece of crap activity like that but rela work... i think life would be simpler without the concept of money... i know i dream of anarchy but i guess it seems simple enough in my head...
im actually doing three things at once... im writing on you, editing pictures, and trying to create a poem to match the damn thing so i can post it on my melo... im going to get going on the last two since i think im over-writing, if that's even possible... im not tired at all so i might continue with you when im done... let's hope i get tired and go nap now...
( i ended up sleeping at 5:30 or so and woke up at 9... im so f*cking tired)
this heart of mine was broken at 10:03:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
Dear heart,
ive made a new online friend... im so anti-social when it comes to chatting with strangers these days... i have this growing annoyance of people trying to tell me about themselves and its like "who the fuck cares?!" its all just silly chatter to me... what do you freaking want from me anyway? oh, this doesnt apply to people i already know... just so you wont think i hate you all...
this hasnt really been the best day of my life... i woke up from some horrid dreams about cheating on kyle... it got me so mad cuz im really trying to be the best gf ever... then i get on the computer and just feel so burdened with all the sh*t i hafto do before i go on all those pointless vacations in july... lets see
[[ to do list ]]
+ pay speeding ticket
+ take traffic school
+ pay parking ticket
+ fill out bank investigation
+ order strip club tickets for people at work
+ pack for camping, make sure to have clothes left for florida
+ find the whole in my tires
+ go to the damn gym
i hope thats all... ugh! i hate looking at that... that will cost a good $250 easy and 5 hours of my life... i dont have either of those things...
huh? where was i? o yeah, online friend... fished this one out of melo... nice boy... i just thought of mentioning him because he promised to be back to help me cope with all this...
*sigh i will never be that special someone to anyone... ive just about given up on that... i really try not to let things get to me but they do... im overly jealous and im helpless to my own emotions... i read pina colada's journal and what that chick wrote really got to me... it was really sweet and sincere... kinda wished i thought that one up... but thats how i feel for kyle too... like "here i am. im for you. no bull, just me." it touched my heart and that's what really got to me... thats everything i would have wanted to say... and the fact is, i didnt say it... it was this random girl who said it and i felt her silently triumphing over me... what irked about it touching my heart was that i didnt touch hers... i cant touch people's hearts... not even my boyfriend's... i know part of him belongs to that stupid whore... i think i want a heart collection but its not looking so good... all i have is my own but the tiny pieces that no one else wants... my heart has been taken and broken, used and abused... damn my heart! and damn yours because i cannot have it!
gosh! reading myself is getting me irritated... all i do is whine and complain! geezus!!!
ok hope i dont act up with kyle tonight... i sort of enjoy this loving streak between us... *sigh too much sighing today... but that boy really does it for me... i would be saner if he was out of that place... wen he gets out, he will sleep with me every night... i think i need him there when i wake up... to remind me that love isnt just a dream...
ive made a new online friend... im so anti-social when it comes to chatting with strangers these days... i have this growing annoyance of people trying to tell me about themselves and its like "who the fuck cares?!" its all just silly chatter to me... what do you freaking want from me anyway? oh, this doesnt apply to people i already know... just so you wont think i hate you all...
this hasnt really been the best day of my life... i woke up from some horrid dreams about cheating on kyle... it got me so mad cuz im really trying to be the best gf ever... then i get on the computer and just feel so burdened with all the sh*t i hafto do before i go on all those pointless vacations in july... lets see
[[ to do list ]]
+ pay speeding ticket
+ take traffic school
+ pay parking ticket
+ fill out bank investigation
+ order strip club tickets for people at work
+ pack for camping, make sure to have clothes left for florida
+ find the whole in my tires
+ go to the damn gym
i hope thats all... ugh! i hate looking at that... that will cost a good $250 easy and 5 hours of my life... i dont have either of those things...
huh? where was i? o yeah, online friend... fished this one out of melo... nice boy... i just thought of mentioning him because he promised to be back to help me cope with all this...
*sigh i will never be that special someone to anyone... ive just about given up on that... i really try not to let things get to me but they do... im overly jealous and im helpless to my own emotions... i read pina colada's journal and what that chick wrote really got to me... it was really sweet and sincere... kinda wished i thought that one up... but thats how i feel for kyle too... like "here i am. im for you. no bull, just me." it touched my heart and that's what really got to me... thats everything i would have wanted to say... and the fact is, i didnt say it... it was this random girl who said it and i felt her silently triumphing over me... what irked about it touching my heart was that i didnt touch hers... i cant touch people's hearts... not even my boyfriend's... i know part of him belongs to that stupid whore... i think i want a heart collection but its not looking so good... all i have is my own but the tiny pieces that no one else wants... my heart has been taken and broken, used and abused... damn my heart! and damn yours because i cannot have it!
gosh! reading myself is getting me irritated... all i do is whine and complain! geezus!!!
ok hope i dont act up with kyle tonight... i sort of enjoy this loving streak between us... *sigh too much sighing today... but that boy really does it for me... i would be saner if he was out of that place... wen he gets out, he will sleep with me every night... i think i need him there when i wake up... to remind me that love isnt just a dream...
this heart of mine was broken at 1:41:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
Dear heart,
its hard keeping up with 3 journals... as you know i have a melo now and also i started this log of things me and kyle do in my csulb homework planner... so i rarely have time for you, my sweet...
today i had a job interview for power station... dont think that went all too well... i felt too nervous like my mouth couldnt open right... i guess that speech class did nothing for my articulation... some hottie from anchor blue talked to me... dude, ive always noticed this guy... then i went to see kyle but there was so much traffic, it went from 10 minutes away to 30 cuz i took an impatient way out... i got there and he was happy i brought him candy... i think we are good again... like yesterday too, we were all lovey dovey... we used the quiet room today and while we were getting it on i started to think about a lot of things... how possible and quite easy it was for me to cheat on him while he was in there... but then i thought: "so THIS is how you have a relationship the right way." where i wait to have sex with my man when it is possible and not go looking for other alternatives... i mean this in refernce to other things besides sex too... like have guys even as company... i could get a part-time bf easy... someone to kick it with in the mornings... instead i spend mornings online and cruisin melo... its funny how ive gotten quite addicted to that thing...
anyroad, we were lying there on that couch and realized we hadnt done that in a long time... we couldnt imagine that he had ever slept with me in my own bed... it seemed too good to have been real... i really miss those days too... just sleeping next to him and have to wake up to his snoring *ss each break of morning... it was great... see, things like that paint a pretty picture in my head at how things could be... he was saying how he was in there because of me and our future... "our future" that sounded too nice to admit... he just needs to stop with the lying bullsh*t... cuz it pushes me farther away from him each time and forever erasing a part of whatever image is in my head...
i really do love him... and i dont know if i mentioned it but he cut his hair... he will always look cute but i personally liked the long spikes better... bah! it'll grow back... im going to create some more ish in melo... sorry again for deserting u so...
its hard keeping up with 3 journals... as you know i have a melo now and also i started this log of things me and kyle do in my csulb homework planner... so i rarely have time for you, my sweet...
today i had a job interview for power station... dont think that went all too well... i felt too nervous like my mouth couldnt open right... i guess that speech class did nothing for my articulation... some hottie from anchor blue talked to me... dude, ive always noticed this guy... then i went to see kyle but there was so much traffic, it went from 10 minutes away to 30 cuz i took an impatient way out... i got there and he was happy i brought him candy... i think we are good again... like yesterday too, we were all lovey dovey... we used the quiet room today and while we were getting it on i started to think about a lot of things... how possible and quite easy it was for me to cheat on him while he was in there... but then i thought: "so THIS is how you have a relationship the right way." where i wait to have sex with my man when it is possible and not go looking for other alternatives... i mean this in refernce to other things besides sex too... like have guys even as company... i could get a part-time bf easy... someone to kick it with in the mornings... instead i spend mornings online and cruisin melo... its funny how ive gotten quite addicted to that thing...
anyroad, we were lying there on that couch and realized we hadnt done that in a long time... we couldnt imagine that he had ever slept with me in my own bed... it seemed too good to have been real... i really miss those days too... just sleeping next to him and have to wake up to his snoring *ss each break of morning... it was great... see, things like that paint a pretty picture in my head at how things could be... he was saying how he was in there because of me and our future... "our future" that sounded too nice to admit... he just needs to stop with the lying bullsh*t... cuz it pushes me farther away from him each time and forever erasing a part of whatever image is in my head...
i really do love him... and i dont know if i mentioned it but he cut his hair... he will always look cute but i personally liked the long spikes better... bah! it'll grow back... im going to create some more ish in melo... sorry again for deserting u so...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:00:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, June 15, 2003
Dear heart,
things didnt really start out ok yesterday... i got there and he was playing basketball so i stopped at a tree and talked on the phone... i didnt really feel like saying hi or anything... so he got mad that i was on the phone and i got mad that he was playing ball... i didnt hear him when he told me to sit with him so i walked off pretending like i left... watched him from the window while i knew he was talking about me to one of his friends... eventually he came up and we made up, kind of...
basically it wasnt the best day ever... i felt weird with him... but we had a nice goodbye... i wrote him a 6 page letter... he wanted me to share my feelings so he got it... he gave me his belt...
went to denny's and found out later he cut his hair... all his friends there were asking about him... tina, mei, and i took pics...
me, mei, tina
things didnt really start out ok yesterday... i got there and he was playing basketball so i stopped at a tree and talked on the phone... i didnt really feel like saying hi or anything... so he got mad that i was on the phone and i got mad that he was playing ball... i didnt hear him when he told me to sit with him so i walked off pretending like i left... watched him from the window while i knew he was talking about me to one of his friends... eventually he came up and we made up, kind of...
basically it wasnt the best day ever... i felt weird with him... but we had a nice goodbye... i wrote him a 6 page letter... he wanted me to share my feelings so he got it... he gave me his belt...
went to denny's and found out later he cut his hair... all his friends there were asking about him... tina, mei, and i took pics...
me, mei, tina
this heart of mine was broken at 11:32:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, June 14, 2003
Dear heart,
this is my time to vent about all the sh*t that's happening to me...
last night i was in one of those AA meetings with kyle... yes, unfortunately my weekends have ended up consisiting of those... well, yesterday it had girls talking about their alcohol problems and he whispers something to me like "im not saying this because i have feelings for her but i wish gloria could be here to realize her problem." it all started with that comment about his stupid ex... it hurt me and scared me at the same time because he was making my greatest fears and insecurities come to life... i knew i could never understand him in that "drug level" because i dont know what its like to have a substance-abuse problem... but i always imagined she would own up to her alcoholism and end up going to one of those meetings with him... then they will be back together again, even though im sure he wont be able to admit it at first... they will support each other thru their time of need and he will never have to say sh*t like "i need to talk to someone who understands me right now." just him saying that brought it all too close and it freaked me out... so i sat there with my face in the brink of tears but trying to hold it in so his friends wouldnt be able to see me... when it was done i called up tina because i needed to get it out... i was starting to let my anger consume me and it was driving me nuts... but then he comments about me using the phone when it's our time together... so i hang up and he tries to advise me on how to fill our gap- communication... he goes on like i share stuff with him but never my feelings... its always like a story but without the heart... he stressed on its importance so i started spilling about how his comment bothered me... i told him my insecurities about it and why it bothered me... when he was trying to assure me that he feels nothing for her, more crap comes out...
remember when he wanted to break up with me? it wasnt because i was stressing him out... it was because she wanted him to leave that place... i dont have that power over him and i know that... i cant change the course of his stupid life with one word... thats all she had to say was that she wanted him to just go away from that place and go to her... it was that f*cking easy and it bothered me because i wasnt allowed to tell him that... i was just supposed to be ok with everything because "i loved him" and i was supposed to let him get better... its just so damn unfair when i really think about it... it was that easy for him to give up everything... and for what? her... of all things... i understand what its like to not be able to get over an ex... ive been through that... i also know a thing or two about having your current never amount to all the things the person meant to you... they spent years of their life together and all we have is 2 months... how can you even compare the two... its a losing battle... i cant ever be her.. i will never have that effect on him... but you know what, i dont f*cking want to... i remember what it felt like to not feel good enough for someone... but you know what? i f*cking am... i swear to god... im a much better person than she will ever be...
im tired of being second wheel... the one they just settled for... i want to be the one and only girl in his life... i mean, i can handle his stupid drug problem, random family problems, and his lack-of-money problems... but i cant handle a her-problem... i dont do well with competition... im not the type to ever fight for a guy, to talk sh*t to girls who want my bf... when it comes down to it, its his choice... and id feel stupid saying "he's my man" when he might end up with her and making me feel like the moron... and the thing that bothers me is that his reasoning for not being with is not because he knows im better than her but that he knows being with me will be less hurtful... he can see the destructive path when she's at the end and he can see her already f*cking up... like he's already tried that way... but he nows being with a good girl like me is a sh*t-free life... i guess she always told him that she would visit and it would never happen... and its like, ok- i always keep my promises and you need me to get thru this thing... when you're done with this program, are you done with me? is that all you f*cking needed me for? i can leave now? he doesnt understand that if i EVER f*cking saw that b*tch in one of his meetings- i would never go back there... i dont care how many times he would call me or anything, i would never ever go back to that place... id probably end up going 100 in my car and purposely crashing it into a wall anyway... but now thats a different story that i dont want to get into now...
basically, i deserve better than this... i dont need this in my life... i always thought that history was the only useful subject where we use it not to learn about famous people and their conquests, but to learn about their mistakes and errors... so we can learn from them... and the person i should learn from the most is myself... ive been thru this... my problem is i want to believe the guy... i want to believe the good in him wont lie to me... wont hurt me... the main reason is because i "love"... and that is the very thing that holds me back forever and a day... stupid temporary feelings that feel like the most important thing at the moment... you'd think i would know better now... and in a way, i do... i know he doesnt deserve all this sh*t i do for him... i understand now that it was my error to love so deeply yet again... its my damn fault i always make excuses for them like "its ok he hurt me because..." reading some sh*t i wrote about that day really makes me think... i over-analize things and that is a little reason why i need a journal... to remember what happened in my eyes and then if i find new info later, i can compare notes... im so damn trusting, it makes me sick... i cared about him so much... i would have done any and everything for him... and dammit, i should have known better...
but now everything is different... like i want it to be the same again but it wont ever be... this is his second lie to me and both times he's played it off like "it was ok for me to lie because im telling you the truth now." i dont want someone like that... i really deserve better... and honestly, i cant see myself with him anymore... i cant even see us past tomorrow... like today i dont think i should see him... but my mind is telling me "see him one more time to tie loose ends" but i know it wont be the last time... he will have some major bullsh*t ready that i will want to believe and it will keep me coming back for more bullsh*t... i cant keep doing that to myself anymore... because any pain that i feel again will be on me... it was my fault that i let it happen... the first lie from him was the weed thing... that was his bad to lie so i gave him a second chance... but then his second lie was something a little more important and i dont think people deserve a third chance... i dont even think people deserve a second one just because it gives them an excuse to be able to f*ck up that first time and know they will get away with it... yes, people make mistakes but they can also stop them... people have a brain and they think for themselves... it is not an excuse to f*ck up because it was their choice, whatever their justifications are... i loved him at one point, i think... i was about ready to just give me up for the sake of him... but i realize that cant happen... i am worth something! but if im so damn worthless to myself, how do i expect someone to find worth in me?
[[ old journal entry to learn from ]]
why am i so hungry for love? i think because he doesnt love me that im worthless... i think because he doesnt want me anymore that he is right...that his judgement and opinion of me are correct... if he throws me out then im garbage... i think he belongs to me... but only cuz i want to belong to him... i shouldnt... "belong" is a bad word... especially when you put it with someone you love... love shouldnt be like that... you cant own a human being... you cant lose what you dont own... what if i did own him? could i love somebody who was absolutely nothing without me? would i really want someone like that? somebody who falls apart when i walk out the door? i dont... and neither does he... im turning my whole life to him... and if it means so little to me that i can just give it away, hand it to him... then why should it mean any more to him? he cant value me more than i value myself...
people look at me and think, "pretty girl. poor little pretty girl... who wanted to kill for love- die for love..."
while i think, " look at me... no wonder he didnt love me... i look like her- that stupid, fat girl in the mirror... i'd hate me too if i was him... i have nothing left to live for if he doesnt love me... i am willing to sacrifice my life for the sake of love... my love... that he will understand what he lost"
but i just need to understand its not about dying for love, but living for it... to make him realize instead to what he had and what he could still have... maybe even a better me who changed for myself... and lived for myself... not for him... that i dont need him... why would you want someone who didnt want to be with you? its just common sense... if you're not enough in their mind then you will never be enouhg... like he will never be enough...
(song of solomon)
this is my time to vent about all the sh*t that's happening to me...
last night i was in one of those AA meetings with kyle... yes, unfortunately my weekends have ended up consisiting of those... well, yesterday it had girls talking about their alcohol problems and he whispers something to me like "im not saying this because i have feelings for her but i wish gloria could be here to realize her problem." it all started with that comment about his stupid ex... it hurt me and scared me at the same time because he was making my greatest fears and insecurities come to life... i knew i could never understand him in that "drug level" because i dont know what its like to have a substance-abuse problem... but i always imagined she would own up to her alcoholism and end up going to one of those meetings with him... then they will be back together again, even though im sure he wont be able to admit it at first... they will support each other thru their time of need and he will never have to say sh*t like "i need to talk to someone who understands me right now." just him saying that brought it all too close and it freaked me out... so i sat there with my face in the brink of tears but trying to hold it in so his friends wouldnt be able to see me... when it was done i called up tina because i needed to get it out... i was starting to let my anger consume me and it was driving me nuts... but then he comments about me using the phone when it's our time together... so i hang up and he tries to advise me on how to fill our gap- communication... he goes on like i share stuff with him but never my feelings... its always like a story but without the heart... he stressed on its importance so i started spilling about how his comment bothered me... i told him my insecurities about it and why it bothered me... when he was trying to assure me that he feels nothing for her, more crap comes out...
remember when he wanted to break up with me? it wasnt because i was stressing him out... it was because she wanted him to leave that place... i dont have that power over him and i know that... i cant change the course of his stupid life with one word... thats all she had to say was that she wanted him to just go away from that place and go to her... it was that f*cking easy and it bothered me because i wasnt allowed to tell him that... i was just supposed to be ok with everything because "i loved him" and i was supposed to let him get better... its just so damn unfair when i really think about it... it was that easy for him to give up everything... and for what? her... of all things... i understand what its like to not be able to get over an ex... ive been through that... i also know a thing or two about having your current never amount to all the things the person meant to you... they spent years of their life together and all we have is 2 months... how can you even compare the two... its a losing battle... i cant ever be her.. i will never have that effect on him... but you know what, i dont f*cking want to... i remember what it felt like to not feel good enough for someone... but you know what? i f*cking am... i swear to god... im a much better person than she will ever be...
im tired of being second wheel... the one they just settled for... i want to be the one and only girl in his life... i mean, i can handle his stupid drug problem, random family problems, and his lack-of-money problems... but i cant handle a her-problem... i dont do well with competition... im not the type to ever fight for a guy, to talk sh*t to girls who want my bf... when it comes down to it, its his choice... and id feel stupid saying "he's my man" when he might end up with her and making me feel like the moron... and the thing that bothers me is that his reasoning for not being with is not because he knows im better than her but that he knows being with me will be less hurtful... he can see the destructive path when she's at the end and he can see her already f*cking up... like he's already tried that way... but he nows being with a good girl like me is a sh*t-free life... i guess she always told him that she would visit and it would never happen... and its like, ok- i always keep my promises and you need me to get thru this thing... when you're done with this program, are you done with me? is that all you f*cking needed me for? i can leave now? he doesnt understand that if i EVER f*cking saw that b*tch in one of his meetings- i would never go back there... i dont care how many times he would call me or anything, i would never ever go back to that place... id probably end up going 100 in my car and purposely crashing it into a wall anyway... but now thats a different story that i dont want to get into now...
basically, i deserve better than this... i dont need this in my life... i always thought that history was the only useful subject where we use it not to learn about famous people and their conquests, but to learn about their mistakes and errors... so we can learn from them... and the person i should learn from the most is myself... ive been thru this... my problem is i want to believe the guy... i want to believe the good in him wont lie to me... wont hurt me... the main reason is because i "love"... and that is the very thing that holds me back forever and a day... stupid temporary feelings that feel like the most important thing at the moment... you'd think i would know better now... and in a way, i do... i know he doesnt deserve all this sh*t i do for him... i understand now that it was my error to love so deeply yet again... its my damn fault i always make excuses for them like "its ok he hurt me because..." reading some sh*t i wrote about that day really makes me think... i over-analize things and that is a little reason why i need a journal... to remember what happened in my eyes and then if i find new info later, i can compare notes... im so damn trusting, it makes me sick... i cared about him so much... i would have done any and everything for him... and dammit, i should have known better...
but now everything is different... like i want it to be the same again but it wont ever be... this is his second lie to me and both times he's played it off like "it was ok for me to lie because im telling you the truth now." i dont want someone like that... i really deserve better... and honestly, i cant see myself with him anymore... i cant even see us past tomorrow... like today i dont think i should see him... but my mind is telling me "see him one more time to tie loose ends" but i know it wont be the last time... he will have some major bullsh*t ready that i will want to believe and it will keep me coming back for more bullsh*t... i cant keep doing that to myself anymore... because any pain that i feel again will be on me... it was my fault that i let it happen... the first lie from him was the weed thing... that was his bad to lie so i gave him a second chance... but then his second lie was something a little more important and i dont think people deserve a third chance... i dont even think people deserve a second one just because it gives them an excuse to be able to f*ck up that first time and know they will get away with it... yes, people make mistakes but they can also stop them... people have a brain and they think for themselves... it is not an excuse to f*ck up because it was their choice, whatever their justifications are... i loved him at one point, i think... i was about ready to just give me up for the sake of him... but i realize that cant happen... i am worth something! but if im so damn worthless to myself, how do i expect someone to find worth in me?
[[ old journal entry to learn from ]]
why am i so hungry for love? i think because he doesnt love me that im worthless... i think because he doesnt want me anymore that he is right...that his judgement and opinion of me are correct... if he throws me out then im garbage... i think he belongs to me... but only cuz i want to belong to him... i shouldnt... "belong" is a bad word... especially when you put it with someone you love... love shouldnt be like that... you cant own a human being... you cant lose what you dont own... what if i did own him? could i love somebody who was absolutely nothing without me? would i really want someone like that? somebody who falls apart when i walk out the door? i dont... and neither does he... im turning my whole life to him... and if it means so little to me that i can just give it away, hand it to him... then why should it mean any more to him? he cant value me more than i value myself...
people look at me and think, "pretty girl. poor little pretty girl... who wanted to kill for love- die for love..."
while i think, " look at me... no wonder he didnt love me... i look like her- that stupid, fat girl in the mirror... i'd hate me too if i was him... i have nothing left to live for if he doesnt love me... i am willing to sacrifice my life for the sake of love... my love... that he will understand what he lost"
but i just need to understand its not about dying for love, but living for it... to make him realize instead to what he had and what he could still have... maybe even a better me who changed for myself... and lived for myself... not for him... that i dont need him... why would you want someone who didnt want to be with you? its just common sense... if you're not enough in their mind then you will never be enouhg... like he will never be enough...
(song of solomon)
this heart of mine was broken at 12:25:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, June 12, 2003
Dear heart,
ive decided not to post quizzes here anymore but on love letters from a lunatic... but then i had to show u guys this one!!!
You want a lover like Aries, one who knows what he / she wants and goes after it.
You fall for assertive Aries almost instantly... the only sign powerful enough to sweep you off your feet.
Your Aries is dominant and romantic - bringing you lots of adventure.
You are attracted to people who are completely in charge.
Nothing turns you on more than surrendering completely, to the right person.
Symbols of power turn you on - from flashy cars to an Aries with lots of charm.
The trade off is that your Aries has trouble commiting and lack stamina.
You'll have to try extra hard to make the relationship fresh and fiery.
Keep that burst of passion going past the third date, and you are on your way!
What Sign Should Your Lover Be?
KYLE IS AN ARIES!!! ROCK AND ROLL...
ive decided not to post quizzes here anymore but on love letters from a lunatic... but then i had to show u guys this one!!!
You'll Fall in Love With An Aries!
You want a lover like Aries, one who knows what he / she wants and goes after it.
You fall for assertive Aries almost instantly... the only sign powerful enough to sweep you off your feet.
Your Aries is dominant and romantic - bringing you lots of adventure.
You are attracted to people who are completely in charge.
Nothing turns you on more than surrendering completely, to the right person.
Symbols of power turn you on - from flashy cars to an Aries with lots of charm.
The trade off is that your Aries has trouble commiting and lack stamina.
You'll have to try extra hard to make the relationship fresh and fiery.
Keep that burst of passion going past the third date, and you are on your way!
What Sign Should Your Lover Be?
KYLE IS AN ARIES!!! ROCK AND ROLL...
this heart of mine was broken at 1:01:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
Dear heart,
me and kyle had two loving days in a row... yesterday he was sick... made me feel kinda sorry for the poor chap... today we got to use the quiet room... yay! all i can say is "f*cking finally!!!!" now we have found a way around the abstinence problem...
he got me a greeting card... for no special reason or occasion... no one ever does that for me... it was like, "why?!" and the answer would be "just because"... it was pretty sweet... im really starting to get used to the cider house... all the people already know me and i talk to everyone... its like my second home... im kinda glad kyle is there for awhile... i would miss everyone like steve and his parents... hector who had the courage to hug me... aldell aka "bushman" who was always very friendly... benny who was just so damn inviting- didnt hurt that he was a cutie either... i actually look forward to my daily visits there... i dont think i can get tired of that place... sometimes i dont feel like i belong but thats kyle's fault... he intentionally excludes me like he needs understanding but he doesnt think i can do it because i was never into drugs or had any addictions... doesnt my rice addiction count? but then again all asian people would be in there for that... haha... sometimes i wanna talk in the meetings... just tell everyone how i feel about this whole thing... but i dont think anyone would want to listen to ms. 2% milk... ok, not a very good name since i HATE milk... i just enjoy my time there now... its like a perfect place for guys because they can actually talk about their feelings in there... no shame in it... you can cry and someone will be there to lend you a shoulder... no one to call u a wussy or anything... i wish i could live there too... heehee... it seems like a never-ending sleepover to me... almost like an every day retreat... lucky guy! haha i guess that's what i get for not having any serious addictions...
me and kyle had two loving days in a row... yesterday he was sick... made me feel kinda sorry for the poor chap... today we got to use the quiet room... yay! all i can say is "f*cking finally!!!!" now we have found a way around the abstinence problem...
he got me a greeting card... for no special reason or occasion... no one ever does that for me... it was like, "why?!" and the answer would be "just because"... it was pretty sweet... im really starting to get used to the cider house... all the people already know me and i talk to everyone... its like my second home... im kinda glad kyle is there for awhile... i would miss everyone like steve and his parents... hector who had the courage to hug me... aldell aka "bushman" who was always very friendly... benny who was just so damn inviting- didnt hurt that he was a cutie either... i actually look forward to my daily visits there... i dont think i can get tired of that place... sometimes i dont feel like i belong but thats kyle's fault... he intentionally excludes me like he needs understanding but he doesnt think i can do it because i was never into drugs or had any addictions... doesnt my rice addiction count? but then again all asian people would be in there for that... haha... sometimes i wanna talk in the meetings... just tell everyone how i feel about this whole thing... but i dont think anyone would want to listen to ms. 2% milk... ok, not a very good name since i HATE milk... i just enjoy my time there now... its like a perfect place for guys because they can actually talk about their feelings in there... no shame in it... you can cry and someone will be there to lend you a shoulder... no one to call u a wussy or anything... i wish i could live there too... heehee... it seems like a never-ending sleepover to me... almost like an every day retreat... lucky guy! haha i guess that's what i get for not having any serious addictions...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:16:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, June 09, 2003
Dear heart,
yet another day with kyle... so whats new? i went to the cider house like at 1:00 and he was in a meeting... i met up some chicks who had their husband in it too and we had small talk... then kyle came out and we went downstairs... i saw people playing volleyball so i instantly left his side to play... 2 minutes into the game i broke my favorite slippers... argh! but that didnt faze me... i took them off and continued kicking *ss... haha... then i went to my car real quick to fetch some extra shoes... instead i found high heels, but they were shoe apparel so i used them... took them off, of coure but i used them to walk around... when i got back, kyle was playing... he hates volleyball and he said he doesnt know how to play... he turned out to be really good... i was so impressed... he was wearing this ucla shirt too with his arms all nice... haha i was like, "god dammit my boy is sexy!" so i played again but on his team... he was so good i was so damn proud... after we were done, he took a shower upstairs and i washed my nasty, dirty feet in the girls bathroom... i did myself up again cuz i looked f*cking nasty...
then i went to talk to some of his friends... he came down and we just chilled outside... eventually we got to take a lil walk and we sat under this big ol' tree... we kissed like we havent seen each other forever... it makes my heart flutter just thinking about it... then in broad daylight, we made love on the bench... its a lil trickier than u might imagine... after that, he read me some stuff he got from the place, inspirational stuff- and i felt really close to him... we got back and realized we missed dinner... *shrug... well worth it, i think...
it was almost time for the second meeting and i was excited to go because they were all sharing that night... i wanted to hear everyone's story... but the thing that sucks is that kyle wanted me to do him a favor: " can u not be at the meeting tonight? i want to share and i dont think i can let it all out if you are there." i thought he wanted to tell me everything?! i want to understand him but how can i when he doesnt let me in? it hurt, though i did kind of understand as to where he was coming from... i'd feel awkward too if i was sharing about my life to a crowd and have my lover there... i mean, maybe im more comfortable if it was just me and him... so maybe im kinda over-reacting... but i was mad anyway... i felt so left out like i wasnt a part of this... even though i try so hard to be... im there for him but he doesnt meet me halfway... so i left him and pretended like i was ok with everything... he gave me a kiss and a hug goodbye telling him i was going to see him tomorrow... i called up tina's bf and he was meeting mei's bf at town center so i decided to tag along... i ate there and sat awhile and talked to them... then i left at 9:15 so i could get to kyle right when his meeting ended... i got there and was in time for the holding hands and prayer bit... we went outside and he was acting really weird... distant and sad... he was all red and i wasnt sure if he was crying... he sat in a corner and had me sit on his lap... he told me he was lost... we hugged and i think he was crying... then he got up suddenly remembering some responsibility he had to take care of and took off... when he got back he was all smiles and jokes again... i was so confused... i asked him if he was ok and he said he didnt want to talk about it... but he was dancing and acting all happy... it made me wonder if he had some to smoke... made me think a lot of things... eventually visiting hours were over and he walked me to the front... we kissed and we wanted to watch each other leave so we stood there waiting for the other person to walk away... i left that place being more sure about my feelings for him... i hope he did too...
i really dont understand him sometimes... i wish i knew what was going on inside of him... i cant help him if i dont know what the problem is... i feel so helpless sometimes... so powerless to do anything...
yet another day with kyle... so whats new? i went to the cider house like at 1:00 and he was in a meeting... i met up some chicks who had their husband in it too and we had small talk... then kyle came out and we went downstairs... i saw people playing volleyball so i instantly left his side to play... 2 minutes into the game i broke my favorite slippers... argh! but that didnt faze me... i took them off and continued kicking *ss... haha... then i went to my car real quick to fetch some extra shoes... instead i found high heels, but they were shoe apparel so i used them... took them off, of coure but i used them to walk around... when i got back, kyle was playing... he hates volleyball and he said he doesnt know how to play... he turned out to be really good... i was so impressed... he was wearing this ucla shirt too with his arms all nice... haha i was like, "god dammit my boy is sexy!" so i played again but on his team... he was so good i was so damn proud... after we were done, he took a shower upstairs and i washed my nasty, dirty feet in the girls bathroom... i did myself up again cuz i looked f*cking nasty...
then i went to talk to some of his friends... he came down and we just chilled outside... eventually we got to take a lil walk and we sat under this big ol' tree... we kissed like we havent seen each other forever... it makes my heart flutter just thinking about it... then in broad daylight, we made love on the bench... its a lil trickier than u might imagine... after that, he read me some stuff he got from the place, inspirational stuff- and i felt really close to him... we got back and realized we missed dinner... *shrug... well worth it, i think...
it was almost time for the second meeting and i was excited to go because they were all sharing that night... i wanted to hear everyone's story... but the thing that sucks is that kyle wanted me to do him a favor: " can u not be at the meeting tonight? i want to share and i dont think i can let it all out if you are there." i thought he wanted to tell me everything?! i want to understand him but how can i when he doesnt let me in? it hurt, though i did kind of understand as to where he was coming from... i'd feel awkward too if i was sharing about my life to a crowd and have my lover there... i mean, maybe im more comfortable if it was just me and him... so maybe im kinda over-reacting... but i was mad anyway... i felt so left out like i wasnt a part of this... even though i try so hard to be... im there for him but he doesnt meet me halfway... so i left him and pretended like i was ok with everything... he gave me a kiss and a hug goodbye telling him i was going to see him tomorrow... i called up tina's bf and he was meeting mei's bf at town center so i decided to tag along... i ate there and sat awhile and talked to them... then i left at 9:15 so i could get to kyle right when his meeting ended... i got there and was in time for the holding hands and prayer bit... we went outside and he was acting really weird... distant and sad... he was all red and i wasnt sure if he was crying... he sat in a corner and had me sit on his lap... he told me he was lost... we hugged and i think he was crying... then he got up suddenly remembering some responsibility he had to take care of and took off... when he got back he was all smiles and jokes again... i was so confused... i asked him if he was ok and he said he didnt want to talk about it... but he was dancing and acting all happy... it made me wonder if he had some to smoke... made me think a lot of things... eventually visiting hours were over and he walked me to the front... we kissed and we wanted to watch each other leave so we stood there waiting for the other person to walk away... i left that place being more sure about my feelings for him... i hope he did too...
i really dont understand him sometimes... i wish i knew what was going on inside of him... i cant help him if i dont know what the problem is... i feel so helpless sometimes... so powerless to do anything...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:59:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, June 07, 2003
Dear heart,
i just realized something tonight... i f*cking love my boyfriend... seriously... i dont even feel like doing anything when it doesnt involve him... i even came home early just cuz i couldnt see him anymore... you know me... i would NEVER come home early especially if i can only really go out twice a week... im not gonna waste one... but now its not wasting... its just conserving... i dont know... that didnt make sense but basically, i didnt want to be out anymore...
love makes me do idiotic things... see, now i know for a fact i wont be cheating anymore... my love for kyle has given me morals i never thought i had... i think i had them for jungle boy but he didnt stick around long enough to appreciate it... but i hate having some naggy conscience on my back... it never lets me have any fun... i guess that is a good thing for kyle but not for me... but it is good for us, so maybe its worth it, yeah?
so i guess this means im going to be a born-again virgin... *barf... oh, kill me now... voltaire said, "It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue." haha... but since im gonna remain faithful this time, i guess i hafto wait for his *ss to get out of primary in order for me to get sum lovin'... to actually wait for him and not f*ck around... maybe he's worth it, ya know? who knows... but i love him and that is all i know...
i just realized something tonight... i f*cking love my boyfriend... seriously... i dont even feel like doing anything when it doesnt involve him... i even came home early just cuz i couldnt see him anymore... you know me... i would NEVER come home early especially if i can only really go out twice a week... im not gonna waste one... but now its not wasting... its just conserving... i dont know... that didnt make sense but basically, i didnt want to be out anymore...
love makes me do idiotic things... see, now i know for a fact i wont be cheating anymore... my love for kyle has given me morals i never thought i had... i think i had them for jungle boy but he didnt stick around long enough to appreciate it... but i hate having some naggy conscience on my back... it never lets me have any fun... i guess that is a good thing for kyle but not for me... but it is good for us, so maybe its worth it, yeah?
so i guess this means im going to be a born-again virgin... *barf... oh, kill me now... voltaire said, "It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue." haha... but since im gonna remain faithful this time, i guess i hafto wait for his *ss to get out of primary in order for me to get sum lovin'... to actually wait for him and not f*ck around... maybe he's worth it, ya know? who knows... but i love him and that is all i know...
this heart of mine was broken at 1:08:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, June 06, 2003
Dear heart,
the start of a disasterous day... first of all, it ironically started with me in a really good mood... but that was only because i thought my boyfriend was allowed 2 hours of freedom in which i was supposed to kiddnap him and bring him back to my place to take advantage of the sexless boy... but it turns out he couldnt... he had a "buddy" that has to follow his ass and vice versa... not only did i get all dressed up for nothing, some leftover PMS leaked out from underneath... what does that mean? simply that i suddenly felt impotent and out of control... i wanted to stab everyone and anyone who was passing us... there was some unexplained anger welling up from inside that i couldnt contain...
then my mom calls me to pick up my sister and i look at the time and realizee that was in 7 minutes... i didnt want to leave because this was our only time together... but i left anyway and told him i would be back... not really in the best mood, i drove the kid to my grandma's house and went back to target... the minute i stepped into the store, more bouts of anger erupted... i wanted to scream... i circled the store about 2 and a half times ... i breathed in and out, trying to contain the screaming voice in my head... but each step i took made me even madder when there was no sight of him... i eventually left... mad as hell... circled the place a couple of times and waited at least 45 minutes for him... ugh!
i sat in my car all mad and tears were escaping my nicely made up eyes... i hated smearing my make-up... i hate him for making me smear it... i evenutally left as i randomly punched my steering wheel... hard too... but i didnt sound the horn... that would have irritated the hell outta me and then i would have went nuts in my car and crashed it or something...
not a good start of a friday... of my weekend that i have longed for since monday... ugh! i hate him sometimes for being such a thoughtless idiot!
the start of a disasterous day... first of all, it ironically started with me in a really good mood... but that was only because i thought my boyfriend was allowed 2 hours of freedom in which i was supposed to kiddnap him and bring him back to my place to take advantage of the sexless boy... but it turns out he couldnt... he had a "buddy" that has to follow his ass and vice versa... not only did i get all dressed up for nothing, some leftover PMS leaked out from underneath... what does that mean? simply that i suddenly felt impotent and out of control... i wanted to stab everyone and anyone who was passing us... there was some unexplained anger welling up from inside that i couldnt contain...
then my mom calls me to pick up my sister and i look at the time and realizee that was in 7 minutes... i didnt want to leave because this was our only time together... but i left anyway and told him i would be back... not really in the best mood, i drove the kid to my grandma's house and went back to target... the minute i stepped into the store, more bouts of anger erupted... i wanted to scream... i circled the store about 2 and a half times ... i breathed in and out, trying to contain the screaming voice in my head... but each step i took made me even madder when there was no sight of him... i eventually left... mad as hell... circled the place a couple of times and waited at least 45 minutes for him... ugh!
i sat in my car all mad and tears were escaping my nicely made up eyes... i hated smearing my make-up... i hate him for making me smear it... i evenutally left as i randomly punched my steering wheel... hard too... but i didnt sound the horn... that would have irritated the hell outta me and then i would have went nuts in my car and crashed it or something...
not a good start of a friday... of my weekend that i have longed for since monday... ugh! i hate him sometimes for being such a thoughtless idiot!
this heart of mine was broken at 4:33:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, June 05, 2003
Dear heart,
kyle missed me a lot today... he wrote like 6 pages in our notebook... i was pretending to get jealous that some old woman gave him a hug when he got his new prayer keychain so he asked some guy if he would ever hug me, and the guy said "sure!" and made his move... i started laughing... he thought everyone would be scared to hug me... now he's all worried and paranoid like he cant trust anyone there... he's so funny... he's getting really clingy and i feel bad when i dont reciprocate his eagerness for me... i mean, yes i care but lately i havent been in the mood to really make the effort to be all lovey dovey back... like we were on this bench and he's going on about how much he missed me and that he didnt think i was going to show up and how sad he felt... then he looked at me all seriously and told me he loved me... i just kissed him... sometimes i cant bear to say it... i have no idea why... he's going up to primary tomorrow so the countdown for the 60 days start... *sigh... let's get this sh*t over with so we can get on with our lives, shall we?
kyle missed me a lot today... he wrote like 6 pages in our notebook... i was pretending to get jealous that some old woman gave him a hug when he got his new prayer keychain so he asked some guy if he would ever hug me, and the guy said "sure!" and made his move... i started laughing... he thought everyone would be scared to hug me... now he's all worried and paranoid like he cant trust anyone there... he's so funny... he's getting really clingy and i feel bad when i dont reciprocate his eagerness for me... i mean, yes i care but lately i havent been in the mood to really make the effort to be all lovey dovey back... like we were on this bench and he's going on about how much he missed me and that he didnt think i was going to show up and how sad he felt... then he looked at me all seriously and told me he loved me... i just kissed him... sometimes i cant bear to say it... i have no idea why... he's going up to primary tomorrow so the countdown for the 60 days start... *sigh... let's get this sh*t over with so we can get on with our lives, shall we?
this heart of mine was broken at 11:28:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i found a good way to occupy my time but without betraying kyle... usually when im lonely, i end up talking and flirting with my random guy friends... sometimes even setting up times where we can hang out... which i have now realized is utterly wrong... i mean, i wouldnt want him doing that so i should respect him and see it from his point of view... since i wont be conversing with him over the phone for a long time, i am going to be very lonely... instead of doing my normal destructive routine, i have found joy in editing pictures... it keeps me company when im up at 3:00 in the morning and it allows my longing to be realized...
i do miss him... lying in bed all alone kills me sometimes... i reach over to his side of the bed and imagine him laying next to me... i really miss those days... i really miss him... but i guess i dont dwell on that as much because i do see him... not like before or not as much but enough to let me know he's still my love... that we belong together... i wish they had a computer there... so he can write me... or go online and talk to me, at least... i hafto get ready now...
i found a good way to occupy my time but without betraying kyle... usually when im lonely, i end up talking and flirting with my random guy friends... sometimes even setting up times where we can hang out... which i have now realized is utterly wrong... i mean, i wouldnt want him doing that so i should respect him and see it from his point of view... since i wont be conversing with him over the phone for a long time, i am going to be very lonely... instead of doing my normal destructive routine, i have found joy in editing pictures... it keeps me company when im up at 3:00 in the morning and it allows my longing to be realized...
i do miss him... lying in bed all alone kills me sometimes... i reach over to his side of the bed and imagine him laying next to me... i really miss those days... i really miss him... but i guess i dont dwell on that as much because i do see him... not like before or not as much but enough to let me know he's still my love... that we belong together... i wish they had a computer there... so he can write me... or go online and talk to me, at least... i hafto get ready now...
this heart of mine was broken at 1:03:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
Dear heart,
things with kyle are going way too good right now... im quite happy it scares me... i've solved our bickering problem... im not calling him anymore... its that simple... we only fight over the phone so if we arent on the phone then we cant fight! gosh! im so f*cking smart...
so he's all lovey dovey and he stopped taking me for granted... it helps that random men that he lives with is telling him how lucky he is to have a lady like me... a guy has an actual crush on me and has voiced it to him... he has watched us sitting outside from his bedroom window... creepy thought... since the revelation of such facts, he's become a bit more clingy and affectionate and i dont mind it one bit... he was holding me during one of his meetings and he poked at my fat... i slapped him playfully but he said "i love that." then kissed me as he whispered, "i love you." SWOON! hehe kyle actually asked me to make out with him while we were all watching american psycho... i laughed... but he was serious... so we were all kissing and then the man had to come out and tell me visiting hours were over... time DOES fly when you're having fun... and so does your zipper... hehe
things with kyle are going way too good right now... im quite happy it scares me... i've solved our bickering problem... im not calling him anymore... its that simple... we only fight over the phone so if we arent on the phone then we cant fight! gosh! im so f*cking smart...
so he's all lovey dovey and he stopped taking me for granted... it helps that random men that he lives with is telling him how lucky he is to have a lady like me... a guy has an actual crush on me and has voiced it to him... he has watched us sitting outside from his bedroom window... creepy thought... since the revelation of such facts, he's become a bit more clingy and affectionate and i dont mind it one bit... he was holding me during one of his meetings and he poked at my fat... i slapped him playfully but he said "i love that." then kissed me as he whispered, "i love you." SWOON! hehe kyle actually asked me to make out with him while we were all watching american psycho... i laughed... but he was serious... so we were all kissing and then the man had to come out and tell me visiting hours were over... time DOES fly when you're having fun... and so does your zipper... hehe
this heart of mine was broken at 11:21:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
our problems have really gotten to him... he told me that we needed to talk later... that just bugged the hell outta me cuz i couldnt stop thing about what it could be... i was asking him about it but he said he changed his mind and that i would just get mad if i found out... after a bribe for a dollar, he told me... i guess he had thoughts of not needing this relationship... i just stress him out and make him want to smoke... the whole purpose of this totally metamorphasized in just a couple of days... it went from "i need a place to stay" to "im doing this for us and our future" to "im doing this for me and you're getting in the way"... it hurt and i felt bitter...
but then i remembered i had thoughts of leaving too... this was hard on both of us and the random bickerings dont help... i just never told him because i got over it and i knew better... im going to stick with him thru the end...
like that pretenders song called "i'll stand by you," it said:
"when you're standing at the crossroads,
dont know which path to choose
let me come along
cuz even if you're wrong
i'll stand by you"
when i came back for the night meeting, everyone was being really nice to me... benny made me a sandwich and he offered me his jacket too... very gentlemanly druggies, i must say... kyle's dad asked me what the meetings did for me... and i told him it made me understand him and his problems cuz i honestly don't... i cant comprehend the need for drugs when im sad or mad... i cant sympathize with being so dependent on desensitizers...
so yesterday i went to see him again but he was in a better mood... he came out from his room, led me to the couch, and just hugged me real tight... and he wouldnt let go... we went outside and sat on the benches while his friend talked to us about wanting to get hooked up with one of my friends... kyle was all bragging how i changed my whole work schedule just so i could visit him... then they were talking about females but then he looked at me and said he had the best one out there... he had a normal girl and he loved it that i was clean as a newborn child... i wouldnt really say that but oh well... then when he left us alone we kissed a little and he reminded me that he loved me... i just kissed him... i guess i was still a little hurt from the day before and couldnt bear to let him hear what he wanted...
later that night after work, i went to one of the meetings... we were holding hands but i guess we really wanted each other... the whole carressing of palms was really turning me on... there was a break in between and his friends told him to have a leash having a lady like me... i dont know exactly what the f*ck that meant but it got me mad... when the meeting was done, we sat in the back while everyone watched k-pax... we made out like two kids who just discovered the joy of kissing... before i left, some stranger was all "you were still using when you had someone like her?! what's wrong with you?" made me feel good and he looked kind of embarassed... he gave me a real kiss before i left... no sissy peck on the lips... but a full on tongue-and-all kiss...
im really trying by best to hold my tongue and not cause drama... its hard for me cuz i am seriously this big drama queen... and the fact that its i have PMS makes it even harder cuz i just wanna start sh*t with everyone...
our problems have really gotten to him... he told me that we needed to talk later... that just bugged the hell outta me cuz i couldnt stop thing about what it could be... i was asking him about it but he said he changed his mind and that i would just get mad if i found out... after a bribe for a dollar, he told me... i guess he had thoughts of not needing this relationship... i just stress him out and make him want to smoke... the whole purpose of this totally metamorphasized in just a couple of days... it went from "i need a place to stay" to "im doing this for us and our future" to "im doing this for me and you're getting in the way"... it hurt and i felt bitter...
but then i remembered i had thoughts of leaving too... this was hard on both of us and the random bickerings dont help... i just never told him because i got over it and i knew better... im going to stick with him thru the end...
like that pretenders song called "i'll stand by you," it said:
"when you're standing at the crossroads,
dont know which path to choose
let me come along
cuz even if you're wrong
i'll stand by you"
when i came back for the night meeting, everyone was being really nice to me... benny made me a sandwich and he offered me his jacket too... very gentlemanly druggies, i must say... kyle's dad asked me what the meetings did for me... and i told him it made me understand him and his problems cuz i honestly don't... i cant comprehend the need for drugs when im sad or mad... i cant sympathize with being so dependent on desensitizers...
so yesterday i went to see him again but he was in a better mood... he came out from his room, led me to the couch, and just hugged me real tight... and he wouldnt let go... we went outside and sat on the benches while his friend talked to us about wanting to get hooked up with one of my friends... kyle was all bragging how i changed my whole work schedule just so i could visit him... then they were talking about females but then he looked at me and said he had the best one out there... he had a normal girl and he loved it that i was clean as a newborn child... i wouldnt really say that but oh well... then when he left us alone we kissed a little and he reminded me that he loved me... i just kissed him... i guess i was still a little hurt from the day before and couldnt bear to let him hear what he wanted...
later that night after work, i went to one of the meetings... we were holding hands but i guess we really wanted each other... the whole carressing of palms was really turning me on... there was a break in between and his friends told him to have a leash having a lady like me... i dont know exactly what the f*ck that meant but it got me mad... when the meeting was done, we sat in the back while everyone watched k-pax... we made out like two kids who just discovered the joy of kissing... before i left, some stranger was all "you were still using when you had someone like her?! what's wrong with you?" made me feel good and he looked kind of embarassed... he gave me a real kiss before i left... no sissy peck on the lips... but a full on tongue-and-all kiss...
im really trying by best to hold my tongue and not cause drama... its hard for me cuz i am seriously this big drama queen... and the fact that its i have PMS makes it even harder cuz i just wanna start sh*t with everyone...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:45:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, June 02, 2003
Dear heart,
[[ quiz time ]]
Hey Princess! Get off your cell phone and listen
up! There is more to life than the mall, boys,
and your hair. You are the typical look-
obsessed, popular "cool" girl.
What kind of typical high school character from a movie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
YAY!!! I LOVE THIS MOVIE!
Grover on Ecstasy
You're funny, you're loveable, you're entertaining,
you like to call yourself "Super
Grover!"--You're obviously on ecstasy.
But that's why we love you. Be careful, ok?
Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are a temptress
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
[[ quiz time ]]
Hey Princess! Get off your cell phone and listen
up! There is more to life than the mall, boys,
and your hair. You are the typical look-
obsessed, popular "cool" girl.
What kind of typical high school character from a movie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
YAY!!! I LOVE THIS MOVIE!
Grover on Ecstasy
You're funny, you're loveable, you're entertaining,
you like to call yourself "Super
Grover!"--You're obviously on ecstasy.
But that's why we love you. Be careful, ok?
Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are a temptress
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
this heart of mine was broken at 1:47:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i don’t think i’ve ever missed him this much... the moment i stepped out of the cider house’s door, i had an undeniable craving for him... my heart pounded wildly and for one second i wanted to say “f*ck it. im gonna stay forever. don’t care if i get in trouble, don’t care if he gets in trouble. i just need to be with him right now.” i don’t know where it came from exactly... i couldn’t bear the thought of him not being near me... like right now, i feel like crying... he just doesn’t know how much it sucks to be me... i’m here for him... but he’s not there for me... he seriously can’t... i need him to hang out with me... i cant just go to that place and sit with him all summer... it just isn’t right! i want to go to the beach with my boyfriend... go shopping with him... have him drive me everywhere i want to go...
this is seriously getting to me... i dont know how long i can stand him being in there... i know he was only supposed to stay until wednesday which is 7 days, but he thinks he needs the 60 days.... 60 days?! is he insane?! does he think im super woman? he thinks i can handle this whole arrangement for more than a week? he must be out of his mind... i miss him so badly now... i crave him but he's only been there for 4 days... i cant do 60... i really cant... please i need strength to hold on to the man i love... to not cheat... to not give up on us...
i don’t think i’ve ever missed him this much... the moment i stepped out of the cider house’s door, i had an undeniable craving for him... my heart pounded wildly and for one second i wanted to say “f*ck it. im gonna stay forever. don’t care if i get in trouble, don’t care if he gets in trouble. i just need to be with him right now.” i don’t know where it came from exactly... i couldn’t bear the thought of him not being near me... like right now, i feel like crying... he just doesn’t know how much it sucks to be me... i’m here for him... but he’s not there for me... he seriously can’t... i need him to hang out with me... i cant just go to that place and sit with him all summer... it just isn’t right! i want to go to the beach with my boyfriend... go shopping with him... have him drive me everywhere i want to go...
this is seriously getting to me... i dont know how long i can stand him being in there... i know he was only supposed to stay until wednesday which is 7 days, but he thinks he needs the 60 days.... 60 days?! is he insane?! does he think im super woman? he thinks i can handle this whole arrangement for more than a week? he must be out of his mind... i miss him so badly now... i crave him but he's only been there for 4 days... i cant do 60... i really cant... please i need strength to hold on to the man i love... to not cheat... to not give up on us...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:34:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i need to recap my weekend for my own good... if i dont, then i will lose track of my life and i will be completely lost when analizing the occurences of later consequences of my present actions... haha, psychotic? i hope so =)
[[ friday ]]
ok so i pick up my check and realize my work f*cked up on it... they gave me like $200 dollars more than i deserved... first of all, im per diem and that means i get paid by day... i get no benefits but i have freedom where i can skip work, do less or more hours, and have the flexibility i need... and this means no vacation time... but the idiots gave me the vacation time i got "saved up" which wasnt supposed to be saving in the first place... so even though i was mad i got all happy because i got over paid... especially since i havent been working as much yet still my paycheck was off the hook! me and tina go to the mall and shop... i bought a pink top and a moulin rouge looking orange top... then we realize time has run out and it was time to pick up my sister...
i pick her up and take her to her grandma's house... then i rush off to kyle, still kinda mad but excited to see the bastard... i reach the door and he opens it for me... he always does that... i dont know how he knows when i get there because they really dont have a lot of windows around there... so we sit down and talk a little... we go outside and try to avoid the sunlight by going under the palm tree shade... we talk about the hang up incidences before and it just makes us a little madder... we have random fights where i end up looking away and wishing i didnt have to be there... then he asks me for money which pisses me off even more... i offer him 2 dollars but he wants my twenty... this was my hard-earned money! f*ck him if he wants to take it from me...
then i thought i was being selfish... i end up giving it to him before i left but it made me so freaking angry... i needed that money and he thinks just because he's in there and im working he can take me for all i have?! ok maybe im over-reacting but i leave the place all frustrated... he kinda sensed it but i assured him with kisses that everything was fine... i call tina right after and start screaming my head off at the nerve of him to ask me for money! i'd never ask anyone for money... and i buy him things which is like a voluntary use of my money... you cant ASK for it!
i get tina and she is kinda scared cuz she senses the PMS fire within... i wanted to run over all things happy... like this stupid little dog... we eat at hometown buffet and i just love that place so i feel better... we ask the people who pick your plate how to eat a tostada bowl... he doesnt know but we leave him a nice thank you note anyway... we meet up cat and eralyn and go to the block... we took forever so we didnt have time for a movie... we just chilled at starbucks and i stole a malt glass... heehee... i call kyle to tell him i wasnt going to end up being able to visit him...
[[ saturday ]]
ok i guess he was expecting to see me at 11:00 when visiting hours opened... but its a saturday and he MUST be out of his mind... i did wake up at 9 though... just felt like being online... i call him around 11:45 and i start getting ready... my mom keeps making me do things and adding dishes to the pile and it gets me stressed out... i wanted to attend one of the meetings there... i get all my sh*t done but had no time to curl my hair... i get there anyway and they are about to start the meeting... we sit and read this book and people share stories... i meet his 2 black friends who are interested in all the girls in my picture wallet... then i realize i hafto go watch a movie with tina already...
i pick her up and we watch finding nemo... it was funny and we thought it was kinda scary... but you know us, we're whimps... i always have fun with her... we crack up about some burger king drive-in person who is so soft-spoken... ah- you had to be there... well i pick up mei and take them both to tina's house... then i go back to kyle... i got to meet more of his friends... i really got along with bradley... i met him yesterday but i got to know him better today... we had a lot of things in common... we were getting kyle some coffee... he waited for me as i got my jacket from the car... we went upstairs to primary, but kyle couldnt come cuz detox people arent allowed upstairs... so i mix kyle's coffee with all this sugar... we go down to give it to him... i didnt even realize that he was getting mad at me... he says im over friendly... and he thought i was talking to bradley too much when i was supposed to be visiting him...
visiting hours are until 10 but i stay there until 12... bradley is chilling with us the whole time... he randomly compliments me that i look really pretty or that i have cute feet etc... i feel all cool cuz he's cute but i think he'd be cuter if he shaved... i liked him always paying attention to what i said... there would be 10 converstations happening at once but when i would say something he would always respond even when no one else heard me... i dont know why i wasted a paragraph on him...
so i leave kyle at 12 ... i know he wanted to keep me there cuz he didnt want me going to the party... it was our 2 month anyway so i stayed...
[[ sunday ]]
nothing really significant... i visit him randomly for short bouts of time... any time where i can escape for some legitimate reason like dropping off film, renting a video, etc... i see bradley the last time i visited and he sat next to me as he made kyle clean his cup clean... he lets him borrow his cup for coffee because detox people arent allowed caffeine... but bradley keeps complaining that he still smells coffee in it and he LOATHES coffee... so bradley is sitting next to me on the couch and trying to talk to me but i already feel guilty about yesterday... i dont want people to think anything... i pay more attention to kyle today... today was all about him...
so that was your weekened... remember it well...
i need to recap my weekend for my own good... if i dont, then i will lose track of my life and i will be completely lost when analizing the occurences of later consequences of my present actions... haha, psychotic? i hope so =)
[[ friday ]]
ok so i pick up my check and realize my work f*cked up on it... they gave me like $200 dollars more than i deserved... first of all, im per diem and that means i get paid by day... i get no benefits but i have freedom where i can skip work, do less or more hours, and have the flexibility i need... and this means no vacation time... but the idiots gave me the vacation time i got "saved up" which wasnt supposed to be saving in the first place... so even though i was mad i got all happy because i got over paid... especially since i havent been working as much yet still my paycheck was off the hook! me and tina go to the mall and shop... i bought a pink top and a moulin rouge looking orange top... then we realize time has run out and it was time to pick up my sister...
i pick her up and take her to her grandma's house... then i rush off to kyle, still kinda mad but excited to see the bastard... i reach the door and he opens it for me... he always does that... i dont know how he knows when i get there because they really dont have a lot of windows around there... so we sit down and talk a little... we go outside and try to avoid the sunlight by going under the palm tree shade... we talk about the hang up incidences before and it just makes us a little madder... we have random fights where i end up looking away and wishing i didnt have to be there... then he asks me for money which pisses me off even more... i offer him 2 dollars but he wants my twenty... this was my hard-earned money! f*ck him if he wants to take it from me...
then i thought i was being selfish... i end up giving it to him before i left but it made me so freaking angry... i needed that money and he thinks just because he's in there and im working he can take me for all i have?! ok maybe im over-reacting but i leave the place all frustrated... he kinda sensed it but i assured him with kisses that everything was fine... i call tina right after and start screaming my head off at the nerve of him to ask me for money! i'd never ask anyone for money... and i buy him things which is like a voluntary use of my money... you cant ASK for it!
i get tina and she is kinda scared cuz she senses the PMS fire within... i wanted to run over all things happy... like this stupid little dog... we eat at hometown buffet and i just love that place so i feel better... we ask the people who pick your plate how to eat a tostada bowl... he doesnt know but we leave him a nice thank you note anyway... we meet up cat and eralyn and go to the block... we took forever so we didnt have time for a movie... we just chilled at starbucks and i stole a malt glass... heehee... i call kyle to tell him i wasnt going to end up being able to visit him...
[[ saturday ]]
ok i guess he was expecting to see me at 11:00 when visiting hours opened... but its a saturday and he MUST be out of his mind... i did wake up at 9 though... just felt like being online... i call him around 11:45 and i start getting ready... my mom keeps making me do things and adding dishes to the pile and it gets me stressed out... i wanted to attend one of the meetings there... i get all my sh*t done but had no time to curl my hair... i get there anyway and they are about to start the meeting... we sit and read this book and people share stories... i meet his 2 black friends who are interested in all the girls in my picture wallet... then i realize i hafto go watch a movie with tina already...
i pick her up and we watch finding nemo... it was funny and we thought it was kinda scary... but you know us, we're whimps... i always have fun with her... we crack up about some burger king drive-in person who is so soft-spoken... ah- you had to be there... well i pick up mei and take them both to tina's house... then i go back to kyle... i got to meet more of his friends... i really got along with bradley... i met him yesterday but i got to know him better today... we had a lot of things in common... we were getting kyle some coffee... he waited for me as i got my jacket from the car... we went upstairs to primary, but kyle couldnt come cuz detox people arent allowed upstairs... so i mix kyle's coffee with all this sugar... we go down to give it to him... i didnt even realize that he was getting mad at me... he says im over friendly... and he thought i was talking to bradley too much when i was supposed to be visiting him...
visiting hours are until 10 but i stay there until 12... bradley is chilling with us the whole time... he randomly compliments me that i look really pretty or that i have cute feet etc... i feel all cool cuz he's cute but i think he'd be cuter if he shaved... i liked him always paying attention to what i said... there would be 10 converstations happening at once but when i would say something he would always respond even when no one else heard me... i dont know why i wasted a paragraph on him...
so i leave kyle at 12 ... i know he wanted to keep me there cuz he didnt want me going to the party... it was our 2 month anyway so i stayed...
[[ sunday ]]
nothing really significant... i visit him randomly for short bouts of time... any time where i can escape for some legitimate reason like dropping off film, renting a video, etc... i see bradley the last time i visited and he sat next to me as he made kyle clean his cup clean... he lets him borrow his cup for coffee because detox people arent allowed caffeine... but bradley keeps complaining that he still smells coffee in it and he LOATHES coffee... so bradley is sitting next to me on the couch and trying to talk to me but i already feel guilty about yesterday... i dont want people to think anything... i pay more attention to kyle today... today was all about him...
so that was your weekened... remember it well...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:31:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart