Saturday, May 31, 2003
Dear heart,
my height of irritation kept reaching its peak yesterday... me and kyle kept arguing yesterday... he wanted me to buy him cigarettes but i told him i didnt want to contribute to his death... so i started laughing at him because he really thought i'd do it for him... i guess i spoiled him so much before he thinks he can just ask and have it appear... so he hung up on me... it made me so mad i threw my phone across the room...
eventually i call him back and ask him if he still wants me to see him, but in a threatening manner... he apologizes and says "very much" like yes he really wants a visit... i could hear it in his voice that he was sorry but i was still mad... NO ONE hangs up one me dammit! so we're talking and i think he tells me he has to get off the phone now so i just hang up without saying goodbye... he gets pissed at me again... i really dont think people going through withdrawal mesh well with people on PMS... now i hafto get ready so i can start my day... i need to pick up my check then tina...
my height of irritation kept reaching its peak yesterday... me and kyle kept arguing yesterday... he wanted me to buy him cigarettes but i told him i didnt want to contribute to his death... so i started laughing at him because he really thought i'd do it for him... i guess i spoiled him so much before he thinks he can just ask and have it appear... so he hung up on me... it made me so mad i threw my phone across the room...
eventually i call him back and ask him if he still wants me to see him, but in a threatening manner... he apologizes and says "very much" like yes he really wants a visit... i could hear it in his voice that he was sorry but i was still mad... NO ONE hangs up one me dammit! so we're talking and i think he tells me he has to get off the phone now so i just hang up without saying goodbye... he gets pissed at me again... i really dont think people going through withdrawal mesh well with people on PMS... now i hafto get ready so i can start my day... i need to pick up my check then tina...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:43:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, May 30, 2003
Dear heart,
i woke up at 8 today like some loser...
kyle and i didnt get off the phone in a nice way last night... he kept getting mad every time i talked about another person... first of all, i just wanted a lil comfort... i told him that pina colada likes someone else... i was completely and utterly heartbroken... but instead of feeling sorry for me he was happy! the f*cker was relishing in my misery... so he pissed me off and i felt like hurling my phone across my pink room... i was so close to hanging up on his insensitive *ss...
when i started talking sh*t to him, he got mad... he's all "who are you with? who do you love? why the f*ck do you care so much?" he just cant understand... i felt alone... i thought he'd comfort me... most guys are accepting with having a bi-sexual girlfriend, even though im not... i think he doesnt want a homo-sexual, bi-sexual. or even a hetero-sexual girlfriend... he wants a kyle-sexual girl... and him being that only kyle...
he started accusing me of liking girls and he KNOWS how much that pisses me off... cuz when it really comes down to it, i dont! i just like her... its so hard to explain... yes, girls are beautiful... but they are damn annoying and idiotic too! she is different... she's not like other girls... every time i tell kyle about my momentary lapses of bisexuality, he just gets mad... but i like being honest about my feelings with him... takes a big load from my chest...
then i try to reassue him by telling him how i dont want to hang out with other boys but him... like time with them is meaningless and pointless... but he goes on to ask what made me bring this up... so i told him about shawn and john asking me to chill... it just seems quite wrong now... look at me! before it would the next best thing... like i cant have my bf, so i settle for my guy friends... but now i understand what pina colada meant when she talked about her morals and cheating... i think you only get morals when you truly love someone... but this only makes him madder... he wanted to get off the phone with me... even though i didnt feel like talking to him anymore, i didnt want him to go... whenever im not talking to him, i miss him... i tried to keep him on but he said something that hurt me:
him: i need to go now.
me: why?
him: i need to talk to someone about this
me: talk to me
him: i cant
me: why not?!
him: i need to talk to someone who understands what im going through right now
me: oh...
i felt so powerless... im SORRY i dont understand the need for drugs... im SORRY i dont have a drug history i can relate to... im SORRY i stress him out when i try to help... im SORRY that everything i try to tell him doesnt matter but when it comes from a fellow druggie- its validated... everything they have told him, i've talked to him about it before and he would just brush it off like "no you dont know what you're talking about." well, f*ck! i may not know what exactly he's going through but i do know what's best for him... im compassionate and can look into a person's problems... you know how overly analytical i am... but no... i cant help because he wont let me... i just dont have the qualifications, i guesss...
i started tearing when he told me... i was so hurt... but then he made it all better... we had a nice goodbye... i dont think i can bear to leave each other mad... and he told me he was in love with me... we talked about it before... i think it was saturday... how we loved each other but we weren't sure if we were in love... i knew at that time that i was in love with him but i didnt want him to know... he asked me if i loved him or if i was in love with him... i didnt answer... but he goes on to say he loves me but he doesnt know if he's in love... now last night out of nowhere and in the middle of me saying goodnight, he blurts out: "joanne, im in love with you. you know that?" i tell him to shut up and we continue with our sweet "i'll miss you till tomorrow" and "love you's" etc...
when we hang up, i didnt feel better... i cried a bit and tried to get some sleep... i ended up calling shawn and we stayed up just exchanging riddles until one in the morning... then i went to bed and had dreams about gingerbread men... very disturbing... dont feel the necessity to discuss such things...
i woke up at 8 today like some loser...
kyle and i didnt get off the phone in a nice way last night... he kept getting mad every time i talked about another person... first of all, i just wanted a lil comfort... i told him that pina colada likes someone else... i was completely and utterly heartbroken... but instead of feeling sorry for me he was happy! the f*cker was relishing in my misery... so he pissed me off and i felt like hurling my phone across my pink room... i was so close to hanging up on his insensitive *ss...
when i started talking sh*t to him, he got mad... he's all "who are you with? who do you love? why the f*ck do you care so much?" he just cant understand... i felt alone... i thought he'd comfort me... most guys are accepting with having a bi-sexual girlfriend, even though im not... i think he doesnt want a homo-sexual, bi-sexual. or even a hetero-sexual girlfriend... he wants a kyle-sexual girl... and him being that only kyle...
he started accusing me of liking girls and he KNOWS how much that pisses me off... cuz when it really comes down to it, i dont! i just like her... its so hard to explain... yes, girls are beautiful... but they are damn annoying and idiotic too! she is different... she's not like other girls... every time i tell kyle about my momentary lapses of bisexuality, he just gets mad... but i like being honest about my feelings with him... takes a big load from my chest...
then i try to reassue him by telling him how i dont want to hang out with other boys but him... like time with them is meaningless and pointless... but he goes on to ask what made me bring this up... so i told him about shawn and john asking me to chill... it just seems quite wrong now... look at me! before it would the next best thing... like i cant have my bf, so i settle for my guy friends... but now i understand what pina colada meant when she talked about her morals and cheating... i think you only get morals when you truly love someone... but this only makes him madder... he wanted to get off the phone with me... even though i didnt feel like talking to him anymore, i didnt want him to go... whenever im not talking to him, i miss him... i tried to keep him on but he said something that hurt me:
him: i need to go now.
me: why?
him: i need to talk to someone about this
me: talk to me
him: i cant
me: why not?!
him: i need to talk to someone who understands what im going through right now
me: oh...
i felt so powerless... im SORRY i dont understand the need for drugs... im SORRY i dont have a drug history i can relate to... im SORRY i stress him out when i try to help... im SORRY that everything i try to tell him doesnt matter but when it comes from a fellow druggie- its validated... everything they have told him, i've talked to him about it before and he would just brush it off like "no you dont know what you're talking about." well, f*ck! i may not know what exactly he's going through but i do know what's best for him... im compassionate and can look into a person's problems... you know how overly analytical i am... but no... i cant help because he wont let me... i just dont have the qualifications, i guesss...
i started tearing when he told me... i was so hurt... but then he made it all better... we had a nice goodbye... i dont think i can bear to leave each other mad... and he told me he was in love with me... we talked about it before... i think it was saturday... how we loved each other but we weren't sure if we were in love... i knew at that time that i was in love with him but i didnt want him to know... he asked me if i loved him or if i was in love with him... i didnt answer... but he goes on to say he loves me but he doesnt know if he's in love... now last night out of nowhere and in the middle of me saying goodnight, he blurts out: "joanne, im in love with you. you know that?" i tell him to shut up and we continue with our sweet "i'll miss you till tomorrow" and "love you's" etc...
when we hang up, i didnt feel better... i cried a bit and tried to get some sleep... i ended up calling shawn and we stayed up just exchanging riddles until one in the morning... then i went to bed and had dreams about gingerbread men... very disturbing... dont feel the necessity to discuss such things...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:30:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, May 29, 2003
Dear heart,
i got to visit kyle at the detox place called cider house... i was just so happy to see him and he was suprised that i would be late for work just so i could visit his *ss... i stayed for no more than 15 minutes but at least i got to see him... i got to kiss him and have me wrapped in his arms... time with him is never enough for me but the fact that i havent seen him all day yesterday and i just got to see him for a few today really got to me... i really missed him... so i felt like being a bad girl... i left work for an hour and didnt even clock out... i rushed over to the cider house... i stayed a little longer and we went outside to talk...
for a second, i wanted to leave... just break up with him and flee the awful place... he was talking funny... i dont know why... he was trying to be a cholo or sumthing but he wasnt playing around... "stop it, ey..." or "sumthing, sumthing, ey" i didnt like it! i wanted to slap and tell him to shut up... he was starting to remind me of all the other creepy people in the place... and all he could talk about were the lectures, the guest speakers, his meetings... i kinda wanted our time together to be just about us... i didnt want to think about drugs or his problem or anything else for that matter... i cant handle talking about sh*t like that... but then again, he needs to talk about it... he wants to talk about it with me... its so confusing because i really dont want to hear it sometimes... the thought just disgusts me... he just randomly claims "im a pothead, baby." ugh! i wanted to scream and run to the exit... i didnt want to be near him... i didnt want to have to be there... i started to think selfishly... why did i have to sacrifice my freedom just to see him? after all, it was his fault he had a problem... why did he have to involve me? i never asked for any of this when i consented into my relationship...
thankfully, it dawned on me... i was here for a reason... i would give up my weekends for a reason... and that reason is him... kyle is the man i love... i would do anything and everything for him... like i said, he's worth it... i know nothing in life is for certain but i know this will all pay off in the end... i really care about him... i dont remember caring this much about anyone in a long time... actually, i dont remember EVER caring about someone this much! its a new feeling but i like it...
before we use to say "i love you's" whenever we felt it... him saying those three words didnt always mean he would be reciprocated, or vice versa... the only time we ever tell the other person we love them in the same minute is when we say it at the exact same time... i guess we just said it when the feeling overwhelmed us and it had to be said... it wasnt part of our goodbyes or our good nights... but now its different... when we get off, he always tells me he loves me... when he sees me before i go, he has to tell me... and i say it back... i know it doesnt seem like a big deal but i think he needs to hear it now... like he NEEDS to... i guess being in there you need all the love you can get...
he wrote me a letter in our notebook... it was really sweet... he said something like he didnt need weed... he had better things going on in his life like me... or that there was a quote that you can conquer anything with love and that he finally has that... when i get the notebook back again, i'll write out the letter... *sigh... im in love... sucks, doesnt it?
i got to visit kyle at the detox place called cider house... i was just so happy to see him and he was suprised that i would be late for work just so i could visit his *ss... i stayed for no more than 15 minutes but at least i got to see him... i got to kiss him and have me wrapped in his arms... time with him is never enough for me but the fact that i havent seen him all day yesterday and i just got to see him for a few today really got to me... i really missed him... so i felt like being a bad girl... i left work for an hour and didnt even clock out... i rushed over to the cider house... i stayed a little longer and we went outside to talk...
for a second, i wanted to leave... just break up with him and flee the awful place... he was talking funny... i dont know why... he was trying to be a cholo or sumthing but he wasnt playing around... "stop it, ey..." or "sumthing, sumthing, ey" i didnt like it! i wanted to slap and tell him to shut up... he was starting to remind me of all the other creepy people in the place... and all he could talk about were the lectures, the guest speakers, his meetings... i kinda wanted our time together to be just about us... i didnt want to think about drugs or his problem or anything else for that matter... i cant handle talking about sh*t like that... but then again, he needs to talk about it... he wants to talk about it with me... its so confusing because i really dont want to hear it sometimes... the thought just disgusts me... he just randomly claims "im a pothead, baby." ugh! i wanted to scream and run to the exit... i didnt want to be near him... i didnt want to have to be there... i started to think selfishly... why did i have to sacrifice my freedom just to see him? after all, it was his fault he had a problem... why did he have to involve me? i never asked for any of this when i consented into my relationship...
thankfully, it dawned on me... i was here for a reason... i would give up my weekends for a reason... and that reason is him... kyle is the man i love... i would do anything and everything for him... like i said, he's worth it... i know nothing in life is for certain but i know this will all pay off in the end... i really care about him... i dont remember caring this much about anyone in a long time... actually, i dont remember EVER caring about someone this much! its a new feeling but i like it...
before we use to say "i love you's" whenever we felt it... him saying those three words didnt always mean he would be reciprocated, or vice versa... the only time we ever tell the other person we love them in the same minute is when we say it at the exact same time... i guess we just said it when the feeling overwhelmed us and it had to be said... it wasnt part of our goodbyes or our good nights... but now its different... when we get off, he always tells me he loves me... when he sees me before i go, he has to tell me... and i say it back... i know it doesnt seem like a big deal but i think he needs to hear it now... like he NEEDS to... i guess being in there you need all the love you can get...
he wrote me a letter in our notebook... it was really sweet... he said something like he didnt need weed... he had better things going on in his life like me... or that there was a quote that you can conquer anything with love and that he finally has that... when i get the notebook back again, i'll write out the letter... *sigh... im in love... sucks, doesnt it?
this heart of mine was broken at 9:56:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
o how i loved nickelodeon back then...
Clarissa Explains it All. Little brothers piss you
off and your best friend climbs up a ladder...
But of course that's not weird to you because
you're Clarissa Darling
What's Your 90's Nickelodeon Show?
brought to you by Quizilla
[[ let's not forget ]]
+ legends of the hidden temple
+ salute to your shorts
+ are you afraid of the dark?
+ pete and pete
+ alex mac
+ hey dude
+ rocko's modern life
(remember any more? feel free to refresh my memory...)
o how i loved nickelodeon back then...
Clarissa Explains it All. Little brothers piss you
off and your best friend climbs up a ladder...
But of course that's not weird to you because
you're Clarissa Darling
What's Your 90's Nickelodeon Show?
brought to you by Quizilla
[[ let's not forget ]]
+ legends of the hidden temple
+ salute to your shorts
+ are you afraid of the dark?
+ pete and pete
+ alex mac
+ hey dude
+ rocko's modern life
(remember any more? feel free to refresh my memory...)
this heart of mine was broken at 9:48:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
Dear heart,
i changed my mind... maybe i do miss the little booger... ugh! i dont know why i kept looking at my phone and expected a missed call from him even though i know he's not allowed to use the phone past 8... argh! i hate that home he is in... thank god its only for 6 more days... im counting the hours... literally... i long for friday... that is when i dont have my stupid job and i can go see him... must i really have to wait that long?! 2 whole days... doesnt seem right... you shouldnt let lovers be separated for THAT long... it just isnt right, i tell you!
im kinda excited to get our notebook back... i wonder what he's written... i've wanted so badly to write him too... its insane as to how much i miss that guy and i just saw him yesterday... 3:20 pm to be exact was the last glance i got of that lanky tall white dude... haha...
my sweetie... i miss you... come home... i dont know about you but life sucks when you're not around... i know i have it better since i have freedom but still... im self-centered but all i know is that i feel lonely without you...
missing you would be half as painful if i knew you missed me too
[[ rhyme i can't get out of my head ]]
"the cheese stands alone"
i changed my mind... maybe i do miss the little booger... ugh! i dont know why i kept looking at my phone and expected a missed call from him even though i know he's not allowed to use the phone past 8... argh! i hate that home he is in... thank god its only for 6 more days... im counting the hours... literally... i long for friday... that is when i dont have my stupid job and i can go see him... must i really have to wait that long?! 2 whole days... doesnt seem right... you shouldnt let lovers be separated for THAT long... it just isnt right, i tell you!
im kinda excited to get our notebook back... i wonder what he's written... i've wanted so badly to write him too... its insane as to how much i miss that guy and i just saw him yesterday... 3:20 pm to be exact was the last glance i got of that lanky tall white dude... haha...
my sweetie... i miss you... come home... i dont know about you but life sucks when you're not around... i know i have it better since i have freedom but still... im self-centered but all i know is that i feel lonely without you...
missing you would be half as painful if i knew you missed me too
[[ rhyme i can't get out of my head ]]
"the cheese stands alone"
this heart of mine was broken at 11:19:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
today was a livable day... went job hunting with tina in the morning... i signed up for a melo and i've decided to use that as a photo journal like pina colada... sounds interesting enough...
kyle called me from the place today... he seems bit less stressed... he even sounds like he's enjoying his time there... he told me he's been writing me a lot... i bet he is... i wouldnt know what to do in a place like that... i'd be bored out of my mind... thank god i can visit him this weekend... im not really looking forward to going there... that place makes me feel uncomforrable and queasy... but i guess the seeing him part makes it all worth it... i didnt miss him as much as i thought i would... but i would zone out a lot at work just thinking about him... but i didnt ache for him... not like i expected... i kinda accepted everything and im ok now... maybe this is what it means to grow up...
[[ hightlight of the day ]]
i discovered what the word "jimmy" meant... it means condom!
today was a livable day... went job hunting with tina in the morning... i signed up for a melo and i've decided to use that as a photo journal like pina colada... sounds interesting enough...
kyle called me from the place today... he seems bit less stressed... he even sounds like he's enjoying his time there... he told me he's been writing me a lot... i bet he is... i wouldnt know what to do in a place like that... i'd be bored out of my mind... thank god i can visit him this weekend... im not really looking forward to going there... that place makes me feel uncomforrable and queasy... but i guess the seeing him part makes it all worth it... i didnt miss him as much as i thought i would... but i would zone out a lot at work just thinking about him... but i didnt ache for him... not like i expected... i kinda accepted everything and im ok now... maybe this is what it means to grow up...
[[ hightlight of the day ]]
i discovered what the word "jimmy" meant... it means condom!
| Your Ultimate Purity Score Is... | ||
| Category | Your Score | Average |
| Self-Lovin' | 56.7% Explored the pleasures of the flesh | 63.7% |
| Shamelessness | 71.4% It takes a couple of drinks | 78.5% |
| Sex Drive | 52.6% A fool for love, but not always | 76.7% |
| Straightness | 17.9% Knows the other body type like a map | 43.1% |
| Gayness | 92.9% Repressed, are we? | 81.9% |
| Fucking Sick | 92% Refreshingly normal | 89.2% |
| You are 64.71% pure Average Score: 71.5% | ||
this heart of mine was broken at 10:02:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
he called me last night... it felt so great to hear his voice... he liked where he was... told me lots of stories about his day... i was glad to hear them... the next seven days, his visting hours are 3-8... but then we agreed that there were weekends... he told me he was going to write me a long emotional letter in our notebook telling me everything about him: who he was, who he is, and who he hopes to be one day...
once, his dad told him he had to spill his guts to someone and he told me he wanted me to be that person... maybe half the sh*t i read i won't agree with... i may not even WANT to know what a hopeless druggie he was back then... maybe i want to retain my idealistic dream of who he is now... my kyle... he would never DO stuff like that... cuz deep in my heart, i cant be with someone who would... but maybe this detox deal is the thing that will change him... but no matter what, i'll be here for him... i dont remember wanting something so badly to work out... so i will stand by him as much as my heart can withstand...
i went to sleep at 2 last night... i couldnt stop thinking about him, i guess... i made something...
he called me last night... it felt so great to hear his voice... he liked where he was... told me lots of stories about his day... i was glad to hear them... the next seven days, his visting hours are 3-8... but then we agreed that there were weekends... he told me he was going to write me a long emotional letter in our notebook telling me everything about him: who he was, who he is, and who he hopes to be one day...
once, his dad told him he had to spill his guts to someone and he told me he wanted me to be that person... maybe half the sh*t i read i won't agree with... i may not even WANT to know what a hopeless druggie he was back then... maybe i want to retain my idealistic dream of who he is now... my kyle... he would never DO stuff like that... cuz deep in my heart, i cant be with someone who would... but maybe this detox deal is the thing that will change him... but no matter what, i'll be here for him... i dont remember wanting something so badly to work out... so i will stand by him as much as my heart can withstand...
i went to sleep at 2 last night... i couldnt stop thinking about him, i guess... i made something...
this heart of mine was broken at 10:23:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
Dear heart,
*sniff... today i said goodbye to my boyfriend... no- we didn't break up... but he had to go away for a little while to get himself on track again... hmm, where do i begin my story?
right after i posted my entry yesterday, he called me from his friend's house telling me he was going to a bbq but that he had no idea where he was going to sleep tonight... so i suggested to skip the bbq and to just come over since no one was home and sleep over for the evening... he was iffy at first and was scared of getting caught... he told me he'd call me back and 40 minutes later he tells me he's like a few minutes away from my house...
so i let him in and we chill in my room... he tells me that he's decided to put himself in detox so he'll hafto stay in one of those homes... he said he didnt have the balls to tell me at first... i know it sounds selfish but i dont want him to go... the first week, he's on lock-down... im not sure exactly what that means but im sure he cant see me or talk to me... the next 30 days after that he's allowed visitors yet only from 3-8... the sh*tty thing about that is i work from 3:30-9:00! so does that mean i wont see him those 30 days as well?! that's just going to kill me! he was terrified of getting caught but he said he had to spend one last night with me... it made me sad to think that night and the next morning was all we really had together... but we tried to make the most of it... we took some cam pics... some remembrance of our day...
jojo and kyle starring in...
[[ creation of a perfect kiss ]]
french kiss? looks more like a porno kiss to me... haha! no way... too vulgar for a picture perfect moment...
friendly kiss on the cheek? yeah right! way too childish for a perfectly romantic kiss...
ta da! that's what i was looking for... the classic kiss consisting of two lips brushing against each other... *sigh
when someone came home he went into my closet and made himself comfy... we whispered throughout the night until we went to bed around 11:30 or so thinking he had to work the next day... our plan was for him to sneak out when my dad took my sister to school... the only problem was neither my parents went to work today... so i decided he live in my closet for the rest of the week... he agreed at first... that is, until i left to go somewhere with tina and left him in there for an hour... he was willing to stay there for 5 hours while i was at work but seeing how difficult it was to sit in that wretched closet for 1 hour changed his mind...
so i took him to the home... it was all the way in whittier and he promised to call me when he could... my heart ached trying to remember everything i can... he says "you act like this is going to be forever. i'll see you soon. don't worry." but i had to worry... that's just how i am... he knows i'll miss him a grip... my heart will forever be reserved for him... at least tina is down here... her man is up north so we can chill together and exchange longing sighs over our MIA boyfriends... thank god for tiny miracles... i can get through this as long as she's here...
as of now, he hasnt called me yet... im a little worried but i'll try to keep faith... faith dares the soul to look beyond what the eyes can see...
You are Persephone, from "The Matrix." Tough cookie, you are, yet there are strains of sadness and desire that lie beneath you- of course, you wouldn't want anyone to know. You're too busy putting up a facade.
What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
*sniff... today i said goodbye to my boyfriend... no- we didn't break up... but he had to go away for a little while to get himself on track again... hmm, where do i begin my story?
right after i posted my entry yesterday, he called me from his friend's house telling me he was going to a bbq but that he had no idea where he was going to sleep tonight... so i suggested to skip the bbq and to just come over since no one was home and sleep over for the evening... he was iffy at first and was scared of getting caught... he told me he'd call me back and 40 minutes later he tells me he's like a few minutes away from my house...
so i let him in and we chill in my room... he tells me that he's decided to put himself in detox so he'll hafto stay in one of those homes... he said he didnt have the balls to tell me at first... i know it sounds selfish but i dont want him to go... the first week, he's on lock-down... im not sure exactly what that means but im sure he cant see me or talk to me... the next 30 days after that he's allowed visitors yet only from 3-8... the sh*tty thing about that is i work from 3:30-9:00! so does that mean i wont see him those 30 days as well?! that's just going to kill me! he was terrified of getting caught but he said he had to spend one last night with me... it made me sad to think that night and the next morning was all we really had together... but we tried to make the most of it... we took some cam pics... some remembrance of our day...
jojo and kyle starring in...
[[ creation of a perfect kiss ]]
french kiss? looks more like a porno kiss to me... haha! no way... too vulgar for a picture perfect moment...
friendly kiss on the cheek? yeah right! way too childish for a perfectly romantic kiss...
ta da! that's what i was looking for... the classic kiss consisting of two lips brushing against each other... *sigh
when someone came home he went into my closet and made himself comfy... we whispered throughout the night until we went to bed around 11:30 or so thinking he had to work the next day... our plan was for him to sneak out when my dad took my sister to school... the only problem was neither my parents went to work today... so i decided he live in my closet for the rest of the week... he agreed at first... that is, until i left to go somewhere with tina and left him in there for an hour... he was willing to stay there for 5 hours while i was at work but seeing how difficult it was to sit in that wretched closet for 1 hour changed his mind...
so i took him to the home... it was all the way in whittier and he promised to call me when he could... my heart ached trying to remember everything i can... he says "you act like this is going to be forever. i'll see you soon. don't worry." but i had to worry... that's just how i am... he knows i'll miss him a grip... my heart will forever be reserved for him... at least tina is down here... her man is up north so we can chill together and exchange longing sighs over our MIA boyfriends... thank god for tiny miracles... i can get through this as long as she's here...
as of now, he hasnt called me yet... im a little worried but i'll try to keep faith... faith dares the soul to look beyond what the eyes can see...
You are Persephone, from "The Matrix." Tough cookie, you are, yet there are strains of sadness and desire that lie beneath you- of course, you wouldn't want anyone to know. You're too busy putting up a facade.
What Matrix Persona Are You?
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this heart of mine was broken at 10:21:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, May 26, 2003
Dear heart,
there is so much trouble in our lives right now... kyle got kicked out of his house and doesnt know where to go... he just woke up yesterday morning and they told him to get his stuff and go... go? go where? he has no other place TO go!
i've tried to help him but the harder i try, the more trouble i get into... and that wont help because that just results in me getting everything taken away, leaving me with no means to help him...
we went to the baseball game even tho he wasnt in the best mood... he put on his best smile and attitude just for me... i almost got into an accident on the freeway when some stupid asian lady didnt look at her blindspot... thank god for my quick driving skills i managed to swerve to the next lane, avoid the car that was next to me, and remain in the center of the line between both cars... that was scary! it was cute how we matched with our red baseball shirts... we ate some carls jr at the game... it was pretty hot even tho the sun wasnt out... we'd be happy one minute and then the next he'd slip into his worries and he'd be all quiet... we left at the 7th inning/half time wutev thing... went to a family party and he met my grandma and other family members... we had fun... i ate a lot...
eventually i took him home and he needed to use my phone... unfortunately, my dad kept calling for me to be home but i told him not to pick it up because i knew what he was going to say anyway... so i left 10 mintues later and my dad was tripping... he took my car keys again... argh! i really hate him...
last night i wanted to run away... just leave the house and go to god-knows-where... too bad i live in the ghetto and walking around aimlessly at night would be detrimental to my health... so i called my cousin ging and stayed at her place for the night... i waited for kyle's call but it never came...
this morning i was gladly awaken by a call from a payphone... who knows where he slept last night... just wandering aimlessly in his skateboard, i bet... but he informed me that he stayed at his cousins house till he had to go to work this morning... then he skateboarded from cerritos all the way to my cousin's house in bellflower just to see me... we spent time together on this bench... he wrote me in our notebook... oh, how i love him so... i cant bear the thought of losing him...
it seems im bad luck... all my boyfriends always have the threat of being kicked out when they are with me... but ive learned... this time im not going to be selfish... im going to love as if it's never going to hurt... im going to give my all to kyle... im gonna be by his side and support him through everything he has to undergo right now... i dont know why i love him so much now... im really taken with him, its incredible... i know what it feels like to love again... its so difficult to explain how right it feels to be together...
sometimes i wish i never met him or fell for him... i would have no worries right now... none at all... but i wouldnt trade one second with him for a worry-free life... he's worth every tear i cried last night, every angry word i've shouted to my parents, every sleepless night i've spent worrying about him, every person i turned down to be with him... kyle is the love of my life... i'd go through everything a hundred times over just to be with him, just to know we'll end up together...
there is so much trouble in our lives right now... kyle got kicked out of his house and doesnt know where to go... he just woke up yesterday morning and they told him to get his stuff and go... go? go where? he has no other place TO go!
i've tried to help him but the harder i try, the more trouble i get into... and that wont help because that just results in me getting everything taken away, leaving me with no means to help him...
we went to the baseball game even tho he wasnt in the best mood... he put on his best smile and attitude just for me... i almost got into an accident on the freeway when some stupid asian lady didnt look at her blindspot... thank god for my quick driving skills i managed to swerve to the next lane, avoid the car that was next to me, and remain in the center of the line between both cars... that was scary! it was cute how we matched with our red baseball shirts... we ate some carls jr at the game... it was pretty hot even tho the sun wasnt out... we'd be happy one minute and then the next he'd slip into his worries and he'd be all quiet... we left at the 7th inning/half time wutev thing... went to a family party and he met my grandma and other family members... we had fun... i ate a lot...
eventually i took him home and he needed to use my phone... unfortunately, my dad kept calling for me to be home but i told him not to pick it up because i knew what he was going to say anyway... so i left 10 mintues later and my dad was tripping... he took my car keys again... argh! i really hate him...
last night i wanted to run away... just leave the house and go to god-knows-where... too bad i live in the ghetto and walking around aimlessly at night would be detrimental to my health... so i called my cousin ging and stayed at her place for the night... i waited for kyle's call but it never came...
this morning i was gladly awaken by a call from a payphone... who knows where he slept last night... just wandering aimlessly in his skateboard, i bet... but he informed me that he stayed at his cousins house till he had to go to work this morning... then he skateboarded from cerritos all the way to my cousin's house in bellflower just to see me... we spent time together on this bench... he wrote me in our notebook... oh, how i love him so... i cant bear the thought of losing him...
it seems im bad luck... all my boyfriends always have the threat of being kicked out when they are with me... but ive learned... this time im not going to be selfish... im going to love as if it's never going to hurt... im going to give my all to kyle... im gonna be by his side and support him through everything he has to undergo right now... i dont know why i love him so much now... im really taken with him, its incredible... i know what it feels like to love again... its so difficult to explain how right it feels to be together...
sometimes i wish i never met him or fell for him... i would have no worries right now... none at all... but i wouldnt trade one second with him for a worry-free life... he's worth every tear i cried last night, every angry word i've shouted to my parents, every sleepless night i've spent worrying about him, every person i turned down to be with him... kyle is the love of my life... i'd go through everything a hundred times over just to be with him, just to know we'll end up together...
this heart of mine was broken at 5:59:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, May 25, 2003
Dear heart,
i really hate not having the time to write in you... it makes writing in you again so long and unmeaningful... like i dont even know the feelings i felt anymore at the moment so its hard to describe it with meaning... and just a note, it doesnt help when i hear my dad's irritating voice continuously reminding me of stupid random sh*t... so let's start this catch up time...
[[ thursday ]]
ok thursday night has a lot to do with wednesday night because kyle forgets to call me back and it really got me mad... i waited all night but my phone never rang! anyway i was mad in the morning and i was supposed to take him to work... my mentality was "f*ck that! he doesnt call me... but waking up the next day loses the anger part in me and just has that “i need to confront him about this” leaking out of my bloodstream... so i went to his house early and he explains how he just fell asleep... reasonable answer, i suppose... so we’re off to work but im in a good mood for some reason... i go home and cook myself some breakfast... then i crash on the couch and watch the anne of avonlea videos i have from the SJ library... when i was reaching the end of the second video which was like 3 and a half hours or so later, i get a call from kyle and he has an hour break... so i go to visit him... im all ghetto in my boxers and gray tank top... nevertheless i walk with him to am pm and get some food... we chill and flirt a little in front of this asian cuisine place... hehe i talk like we just barely started going out because of my fascination with our flirting sessions...
anyway i go home, go to work, and have fun because no one was there except me and my 2 guy co-workers so we bump up the music and feel like dancing... then i tell my parents me and my co-workers are eating out so i got to stay out till 10:30... haha big deal? well, it’s a weekday for me and im usually harassed if im not home by 9:45... anyway i visit kyle and we eat at in ‘n’ out... i take him home then i go home... but my house was empty which meant everyone was sleeping... so when kyle called me to say goodnight, i told him that he could have SO slept over that night... so he gets a ride from his friend and he shows up at my front door... we tiptoe in my room and even though i have a speech test the next day, i get ready for bed and snuggle next to him... i turn out the lights, we make love, and then i turn over and fall asleep...
[[ friday ]]
i wake up in his arms again and i really don’t understand it... he complains that i didn’t want to be held last night... like i didn’t want him to be there... i did want him there but i just didn’t feel all too huggy huggy for some reason... so i get ready for school and we leave for his work... im a bit stressed out because im taking him to work at 7:20 but i need to be in school by 8 to take my final and i still didn’t study yet... so im hauling ass to school and i get there on time... i take my test which didn’t seem all too bad (i looked over the notes while driving on the 605 freeway)... the boy in my speech class that looks like jungle boy said bye to me and i felt all special because he didn’t say that to anyone else... *sigh... silly random school crushes... so me, di, and bree eat breakfast with bree’s boy who looks like taylor hanson, but i mean that in a very good way... you know how much i ADORE hanson... hehe im serious too... since i was in class, my phone was on silent and didn’t hear the calls my boyfriend made cuz his boss sent everyone home that day... but i finally got the message and i went to pick him up...
we go to my house and TRY to take a nap but we were too restless even though we were tired... so we take a shower and while i put on make up, he falls asleep...
that's him sleeping! heehee!
check it out! you can see me in the mirror!
so while i was trying to wake his *ss up, the sleepiness infects me and i end up knocked out next to him but he’s holding me all tight... i felt comfy... life is good... see at this point i didn’t mind all the arms and holding bit... i didn’t need my space anymore... so then we go to his brothers house and i play with his lil nephews for a bit... then we go to town center and watch bruce almighty... he laughed at me because i kept bawling... like MAD tears too! haha! i felt stupid and he made me lose my crying mood... he teases me about it later and i blush... im such a GIRL, i swear... then we go to chad’s party and he actually had fun... im so used to anti-social, anti-fun boyfriends- it was cool to see him dance and sing along to the songs and greet all my friends... then we chill at starbucks a bit then we get taco bell for my dumb dad then we go to his home...
[[ saturday ]] <-- hey that’s today!
went to a wedding in the morning... that was pretty bleh... then i picked up kyle to go to Newport with me... we get her a present at the mall then go to my house to finish off my picture frame idea... we fool around and then leave... we head to newport beach and i tell him stories i made up... he made me sad when he asked me if i loved him or if i was in love with him... i whispered “in love or both” but i guess he didn’t hear me... so he kinda got upset like “i’d tell you. i mean, i love you but i don’t know about being in love yet. i don’t really want to be in love. its scary.” look, bub! im in love with you and it scares me sh*tless but im still loving it... so if ima jump into this cold water, you better be jumping in with me... some cop questions us about some random theft near the place we were parked... then we ate with di’s friends... they seem nice and her man friend is pretty cool too... we eventually go home... me and kyle have an emotionally intimate time driving home... im all leaning to his side and he put his head on me and randomly kisses it while we listen to slow jams... his random whispers of ‘i love you’ sweetened the deal...
i get home and my dad pisses the hell outta me... so much i can see my future... im gonna marry all early just to get away from his stupidity... and im SO not f*cking around... i’d be happier if i didn’t hafto live with him and abide by his pointless rules and insecurities... he’s lame... i cant believe he’s my dad...
im excited about the angel’s game tomorrow... hope i don’t hafto be home RIGHT after... kyle wanted to spend the day with me (again)... but i don’t mind... do you think we see each other way too much?! im even gonna see him all day monday for our memorial day bbq... i don’t seem to mind his company much... i love being around him because he is my other half... or twin, to seem more independent... that’s what i love about him so much... we are so the same so its easy to understand each other... so being ourselves, even showing our odd sides are normal... but i need to sleep... i’ll recap about the came tomorrow... MUAH!
i really hate not having the time to write in you... it makes writing in you again so long and unmeaningful... like i dont even know the feelings i felt anymore at the moment so its hard to describe it with meaning... and just a note, it doesnt help when i hear my dad's irritating voice continuously reminding me of stupid random sh*t... so let's start this catch up time...
[[ thursday ]]
ok thursday night has a lot to do with wednesday night because kyle forgets to call me back and it really got me mad... i waited all night but my phone never rang! anyway i was mad in the morning and i was supposed to take him to work... my mentality was "f*ck that! he doesnt call me... but waking up the next day loses the anger part in me and just has that “i need to confront him about this” leaking out of my bloodstream... so i went to his house early and he explains how he just fell asleep... reasonable answer, i suppose... so we’re off to work but im in a good mood for some reason... i go home and cook myself some breakfast... then i crash on the couch and watch the anne of avonlea videos i have from the SJ library... when i was reaching the end of the second video which was like 3 and a half hours or so later, i get a call from kyle and he has an hour break... so i go to visit him... im all ghetto in my boxers and gray tank top... nevertheless i walk with him to am pm and get some food... we chill and flirt a little in front of this asian cuisine place... hehe i talk like we just barely started going out because of my fascination with our flirting sessions...
anyway i go home, go to work, and have fun because no one was there except me and my 2 guy co-workers so we bump up the music and feel like dancing... then i tell my parents me and my co-workers are eating out so i got to stay out till 10:30... haha big deal? well, it’s a weekday for me and im usually harassed if im not home by 9:45... anyway i visit kyle and we eat at in ‘n’ out... i take him home then i go home... but my house was empty which meant everyone was sleeping... so when kyle called me to say goodnight, i told him that he could have SO slept over that night... so he gets a ride from his friend and he shows up at my front door... we tiptoe in my room and even though i have a speech test the next day, i get ready for bed and snuggle next to him... i turn out the lights, we make love, and then i turn over and fall asleep...
[[ friday ]]
i wake up in his arms again and i really don’t understand it... he complains that i didn’t want to be held last night... like i didn’t want him to be there... i did want him there but i just didn’t feel all too huggy huggy for some reason... so i get ready for school and we leave for his work... im a bit stressed out because im taking him to work at 7:20 but i need to be in school by 8 to take my final and i still didn’t study yet... so im hauling ass to school and i get there on time... i take my test which didn’t seem all too bad (i looked over the notes while driving on the 605 freeway)... the boy in my speech class that looks like jungle boy said bye to me and i felt all special because he didn’t say that to anyone else... *sigh... silly random school crushes... so me, di, and bree eat breakfast with bree’s boy who looks like taylor hanson, but i mean that in a very good way... you know how much i ADORE hanson... hehe im serious too... since i was in class, my phone was on silent and didn’t hear the calls my boyfriend made cuz his boss sent everyone home that day... but i finally got the message and i went to pick him up...
we go to my house and TRY to take a nap but we were too restless even though we were tired... so we take a shower and while i put on make up, he falls asleep...
that's him sleeping! heehee!
check it out! you can see me in the mirror!
so while i was trying to wake his *ss up, the sleepiness infects me and i end up knocked out next to him but he’s holding me all tight... i felt comfy... life is good... see at this point i didn’t mind all the arms and holding bit... i didn’t need my space anymore... so then we go to his brothers house and i play with his lil nephews for a bit... then we go to town center and watch bruce almighty... he laughed at me because i kept bawling... like MAD tears too! haha! i felt stupid and he made me lose my crying mood... he teases me about it later and i blush... im such a GIRL, i swear... then we go to chad’s party and he actually had fun... im so used to anti-social, anti-fun boyfriends- it was cool to see him dance and sing along to the songs and greet all my friends... then we chill at starbucks a bit then we get taco bell for my dumb dad then we go to his home...
[[ saturday ]] <-- hey that’s today!
went to a wedding in the morning... that was pretty bleh... then i picked up kyle to go to Newport with me... we get her a present at the mall then go to my house to finish off my picture frame idea... we fool around and then leave... we head to newport beach and i tell him stories i made up... he made me sad when he asked me if i loved him or if i was in love with him... i whispered “in love or both” but i guess he didn’t hear me... so he kinda got upset like “i’d tell you. i mean, i love you but i don’t know about being in love yet. i don’t really want to be in love. its scary.” look, bub! im in love with you and it scares me sh*tless but im still loving it... so if ima jump into this cold water, you better be jumping in with me... some cop questions us about some random theft near the place we were parked... then we ate with di’s friends... they seem nice and her man friend is pretty cool too... we eventually go home... me and kyle have an emotionally intimate time driving home... im all leaning to his side and he put his head on me and randomly kisses it while we listen to slow jams... his random whispers of ‘i love you’ sweetened the deal...
i get home and my dad pisses the hell outta me... so much i can see my future... im gonna marry all early just to get away from his stupidity... and im SO not f*cking around... i’d be happier if i didn’t hafto live with him and abide by his pointless rules and insecurities... he’s lame... i cant believe he’s my dad...
im excited about the angel’s game tomorrow... hope i don’t hafto be home RIGHT after... kyle wanted to spend the day with me (again)... but i don’t mind... do you think we see each other way too much?! im even gonna see him all day monday for our memorial day bbq... i don’t seem to mind his company much... i love being around him because he is my other half... or twin, to seem more independent... that’s what i love about him so much... we are so the same so its easy to understand each other... so being ourselves, even showing our odd sides are normal... but i need to sleep... i’ll recap about the came tomorrow... MUAH!
this heart of mine was broken at 1:21:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
Dear heart,
tuesday wasnt all too fun... i left work early just to see the lil booger... i missed him a lot cuz i didnt even get to see him that whole day... anyway he told me he wrote me a sweet loving letter... so when i got home, i eagerly read my notebook... ugh! that's all i can say: "UGH!" it was a hostile letter telling me he was paranoid that i might leave him and he hates how i try to joke about his lying...
first of all, i dont understand why he wouldnt trust me of all people... ok maybe if i were him i wouldnt either but i never gave him any reason not to, ya know? suprisingly, i've been a very good girl... i cant believe he has the nerve to accuse me of lying when HE was the one who lied... ok maybe i kinda threatened him that i was gonna start lying to him from now on because he deserved it but i just did that to piss him off or at least scare the bejeezuz outta him... guess it worked and now he's all "who was that? were you on the phone right now? are you lying?! tell me!" o MY god! he's driving me nuts!
anyway kyle didnt go to work again today he skated all the way to my house in the morning... he brought me a donut and waited for me to finish my final paper... then he drove me to school... we ate there and sold my books... not much came out of that... we went back to my place and we decide to watch some oldschool movies... we ended up watching witches where this lil boy is turned into this white mouse... well, my mom left my house a bit so we went at it... but then she came back right away so we were all scared! we were so worn out that when i got back from answering the door, we both just fell asleep... we didnt even finish watching the middle of the movie... next thing i know its 3 which is 2 and a half hours since we closed our eyes... i quickly got dressed for work and woke kyle's lazy *ss up...
i see him after work but he doesnt end up sleeping over like he's supposed to... grr! o well... i need to write in our journals now... nights!
tuesday wasnt all too fun... i left work early just to see the lil booger... i missed him a lot cuz i didnt even get to see him that whole day... anyway he told me he wrote me a sweet loving letter... so when i got home, i eagerly read my notebook... ugh! that's all i can say: "UGH!" it was a hostile letter telling me he was paranoid that i might leave him and he hates how i try to joke about his lying...
first of all, i dont understand why he wouldnt trust me of all people... ok maybe if i were him i wouldnt either but i never gave him any reason not to, ya know? suprisingly, i've been a very good girl... i cant believe he has the nerve to accuse me of lying when HE was the one who lied... ok maybe i kinda threatened him that i was gonna start lying to him from now on because he deserved it but i just did that to piss him off or at least scare the bejeezuz outta him... guess it worked and now he's all "who was that? were you on the phone right now? are you lying?! tell me!" o MY god! he's driving me nuts!
anyway kyle didnt go to work again today he skated all the way to my house in the morning... he brought me a donut and waited for me to finish my final paper... then he drove me to school... we ate there and sold my books... not much came out of that... we went back to my place and we decide to watch some oldschool movies... we ended up watching witches where this lil boy is turned into this white mouse... well, my mom left my house a bit so we went at it... but then she came back right away so we were all scared! we were so worn out that when i got back from answering the door, we both just fell asleep... we didnt even finish watching the middle of the movie... next thing i know its 3 which is 2 and a half hours since we closed our eyes... i quickly got dressed for work and woke kyle's lazy *ss up...
i see him after work but he doesnt end up sleeping over like he's supposed to... grr! o well... i need to write in our journals now... nights!
this heart of mine was broken at 10:50:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
Dear heart,
i didnt get to tell you the occurences of yesterday... well i went to kyle house after i took my sis to school... he woke up late for work so he decided to skip it and just spend the morning with me...
we started off with mcdonalds... i love their bacon bagel breakfast sandwiches... kyle suggests going to the balls area... i was up for it so we jumped in and had the time of our lives just throwing balls at each other... suddenly, the manager lady is yelling at us like its the end of the damn world... "get out! dont you two have any shame?!" first of all, i didnt think there was an age limit and i told her that but she snapped at me and said i should have more common sense... "did you guys have FUN in there?!" suggesting we were doing naughty things in there... omg! what the hell?! i dont know what SHE does in the balls playpen but we were just content throwing balls at each other...
then we head off to heritage park... the island was closed so we just took a walk and talked about things... i can tell he's really trying to tell me everything... tells me random drug stories i dont really want to hear... he was confessing me some story that happened the night before but i just tuned him out... i didnt want to listen... every word made me love him less... so i saw his lips move but not a sound came out of it... i started falling into a dream... his face morphed into a body with a tux... he was in front of the alter waiting for me... gosh! it was our wedding day... then i snapped out of it and heard the end of his too long story and the image shattered...
i cant do it! personality-wise: i can spend all the days of my life with him... but substance-wise: no f*cking way! i will never understand his need for cigarrettes, alcohol, or drugs... you know how much i HATE that... i cant imagine a future with man who has other prioritiesmore important than me in his life... but i guess you can't change people... and i can either accept it or let him go... if it really came to that i'd let him go... but right now i just cant... my feelings for him are too over-whelming to just forget about... i dont know why i meet these supposedly wonderful guys who turn out someone completely different... this world is full of liars but their lies are what's keeping me hopeful...
is there really someone out there for me? i give such good advice about how there is always someone better... you may think that what you feel is real or that you're never going to find someone like them... but everyone is different... you're not going to find anyone who is exactly like someone else... and why would you want to anyway? you broke up with them for a reason and if you get with someone who is just like them then its the same damn thing, right?! i just really love how perfectly me and kyly click... im sure i may be able to click that same way, if not better, with someone else... but i cant even imagine that far off into my future...
at times im in denial... i refuse to believe this great guy is addicted to that sh*t! i just want him to tell me sometimes that he was kidding about the weed... that he's just testing me... but he tries to tell me time and again that its the truth... the real truth that i must either live with or live without him... he was even going to show me the stash of weed he had in his pants... i shuddered with disgust at the thought of him carrying drugs around with me... i hate him when i think about that wretched thing influencing him... sometimes i just want to give up and call it quits... but being without him seems so intolerable... why does life always serve me with the most simple questions yet the most complex decisions?
i didnt get to tell you the occurences of yesterday... well i went to kyle house after i took my sis to school... he woke up late for work so he decided to skip it and just spend the morning with me...
we started off with mcdonalds... i love their bacon bagel breakfast sandwiches... kyle suggests going to the balls area... i was up for it so we jumped in and had the time of our lives just throwing balls at each other... suddenly, the manager lady is yelling at us like its the end of the damn world... "get out! dont you two have any shame?!" first of all, i didnt think there was an age limit and i told her that but she snapped at me and said i should have more common sense... "did you guys have FUN in there?!" suggesting we were doing naughty things in there... omg! what the hell?! i dont know what SHE does in the balls playpen but we were just content throwing balls at each other...
then we head off to heritage park... the island was closed so we just took a walk and talked about things... i can tell he's really trying to tell me everything... tells me random drug stories i dont really want to hear... he was confessing me some story that happened the night before but i just tuned him out... i didnt want to listen... every word made me love him less... so i saw his lips move but not a sound came out of it... i started falling into a dream... his face morphed into a body with a tux... he was in front of the alter waiting for me... gosh! it was our wedding day... then i snapped out of it and heard the end of his too long story and the image shattered...
i cant do it! personality-wise: i can spend all the days of my life with him... but substance-wise: no f*cking way! i will never understand his need for cigarrettes, alcohol, or drugs... you know how much i HATE that... i cant imagine a future with man who has other prioritiesmore important than me in his life... but i guess you can't change people... and i can either accept it or let him go... if it really came to that i'd let him go... but right now i just cant... my feelings for him are too over-whelming to just forget about... i dont know why i meet these supposedly wonderful guys who turn out someone completely different... this world is full of liars but their lies are what's keeping me hopeful...
is there really someone out there for me? i give such good advice about how there is always someone better... you may think that what you feel is real or that you're never going to find someone like them... but everyone is different... you're not going to find anyone who is exactly like someone else... and why would you want to anyway? you broke up with them for a reason and if you get with someone who is just like them then its the same damn thing, right?! i just really love how perfectly me and kyly click... im sure i may be able to click that same way, if not better, with someone else... but i cant even imagine that far off into my future...
at times im in denial... i refuse to believe this great guy is addicted to that sh*t! i just want him to tell me sometimes that he was kidding about the weed... that he's just testing me... but he tries to tell me time and again that its the truth... the real truth that i must either live with or live without him... he was even going to show me the stash of weed he had in his pants... i shuddered with disgust at the thought of him carrying drugs around with me... i hate him when i think about that wretched thing influencing him... sometimes i just want to give up and call it quits... but being without him seems so intolerable... why does life always serve me with the most simple questions yet the most complex decisions?
this heart of mine was broken at 12:57:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
just got done with finals...
[[ quizzies to relax the mind ]]
You are a symbolic dream
What kind of dream are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Juno - Juno is the Queen of Gods in Greek/Roman mythology. She often has sneaking feelings that everyone is going behind her back, which tend to make her rather bad tempered and sour at times. However, Juno is trustworthy, faithful, romantic, and loyal. She is the goddess of
motherhood and rules over all gods.
Who's your inner pagan goddess?
brought to you by Quizilla
>
What Drink Are You?
just got done with finals...
[[ quizzies to relax the mind ]]
You are a symbolic dream
What kind of dream are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Juno - Juno is the Queen of Gods in Greek/Roman mythology. She often has sneaking feelings that everyone is going behind her back, which tend to make her rather bad tempered and sour at times. However, Juno is trustworthy, faithful, romantic, and loyal. She is the goddess of
motherhood and rules over all gods.
Who's your inner pagan goddess?
brought to you by Quizilla
| I'm a Moonflower. I only bloom at night and I'm pollinated by moths. Kinky, huh? This flower means "I dream of love" and I do. What bloom are you? by Polly_Snodgrass |
>
What Drink Are You?
this heart of mine was broken at 12:31:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, May 18, 2003
Dear heart,
[[ portrait of frustration ]]
before the news, one is unaware of the inevitable destruction
then the bomb is dropped and the smile disappears... the once cheerful face has turned sour
here comes the look of sadness... why does sh*t always seem to happen to me?!
the last look is a result of a bitter heart... this is the face of evil and vengeance!
[[ song of the moment ]]
miss independent :: kelly clarkson
Miss Independent
Miss Self sufficient
Miss Keep your distance
Miss Unafraid
Miss Out of my way
Miss Don't let a man interfere
Miss On your own
Miss Almost rown
Miss Never let a man off her throne
So by keeping her heart protected
She'd never ever feel rejected
Little Miss Apprehensive
Said ooh, she fell in Love
What is the feelin' takin' over?
Thinkin' no one could open the door
Surprise! it's time!
To feel what's real
What happened to Miss Independent?
No more the need for me to miss him
Goodbye …. on you
Real Love …. is true.
Misguided Heart
Miss Play it smart
Miss If you wanna use that line- you better not start
But she miscalculated
She didn't want to end up jaded
And Miss Miss decided not to miss out of true love
So, by changing a misconception
She went in a new direction
And found inside she felt a connection
She fell in Love
Why Miss Independent walked away?
No talk for love that came her way
She looked in the mirror, and thought today
what happened to Miss No longer afraid
What took some time for Love to see
how beautiful Love could truly be
no more talk of what can that "be" mean
I'm so glad I finally feel
[[ portrait of frustration ]]
before the news, one is unaware of the inevitable destruction
then the bomb is dropped and the smile disappears... the once cheerful face has turned sour
here comes the look of sadness... why does sh*t always seem to happen to me?!
the last look is a result of a bitter heart... this is the face of evil and vengeance!
[[ song of the moment ]]
miss independent :: kelly clarkson
Miss Independent
Miss Self sufficient
Miss Keep your distance
Miss Unafraid
Miss Out of my way
Miss Don't let a man interfere
Miss On your own
Miss Almost rown
Miss Never let a man off her throne
So by keeping her heart protected
She'd never ever feel rejected
Little Miss Apprehensive
Said ooh, she fell in Love
What is the feelin' takin' over?
Thinkin' no one could open the door
Surprise! it's time!
To feel what's real
What happened to Miss Independent?
No more the need for me to miss him
Goodbye …. on you
Real Love …. is true.
Misguided Heart
Miss Play it smart
Miss If you wanna use that line- you better not start
But she miscalculated
She didn't want to end up jaded
And Miss Miss decided not to miss out of true love
So, by changing a misconception
She went in a new direction
And found inside she felt a connection
She fell in Love
Why Miss Independent walked away?
No talk for love that came her way
She looked in the mirror, and thought today
what happened to Miss No longer afraid
What took some time for Love to see
how beautiful Love could truly be
no more talk of what can that "be" mean
I'm so glad I finally feel
this heart of mine was broken at 11:47:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
outside influences can really make you see things clearer...
[[ perfection ]]
noel's argument:
"you must face reality, no one is perfect. every one is bad in their own way. would you rather have a man who cheated on you but never did drugs or a man who treated you like a princess but smoked weed."
pina colada's point:
"why can't you have both?!"
my position:
"i totally agree with my pina colada... how i see it- why should i hafto settle?! i know what i want and what i deserve. i know im tired of having so many boyfriends. i really want to work things out but im not just going to give up let my standards go because im too lazy. i will search all my life if i hafto for that perfect man. all i know is i wont settle for less than what i know will make me happy."
[[ lying ]]
bryan's argument:
"first of all he lied to you! how can you trust someone who lied to you from the start? and you fell in love with someone who was just the image he wanted you to believe. knowing me, i wouldnt break up with them right away because it's just hard to do that. but months from now it will eventually lead to that."
mei's point:
"i think the reason why you're mad isnt the fact that he lied nor the finding that he smokes weed. you've been with guys who did. it was just different with him because you could see yourself with him in the future. you were serious and it was just a big disappointment. that is why you care so much because you love him. i can tell."
my position:
"both have very good points. bryan is right and knows from personal experiences with me that 'yes you might try to work it out because you like the person but from that point, the promise of forever starts to disappear. people last because they have that initial idea that they are meant for each other. then one mistake can change the mindset of one or both persons and the damages are irrepairable. you cant ever see the person the same way or see forever in your path together. and once that thought crosses your mind, there's not turning back. this is the turning point of all ruined relationships.
mei is right as well. i do love with him and i know it was supposed to be different this time. that is why i'm tripping out cuz im so confused. i love him but i hate him so much. i cant stand him being near me at all but when he walks away- its like he's taking a piece of me with him. i've come to need him and it sickens me. i know i cant let him go- especially right now. everyone is telling me to give it a try anyway. to see how i feel. maybe a break isnt what i need. i need to know what i feel now and if it doesnt feel right, then i can go with the break option. i really dont know about anything anymore. i confuse myself even more when i think of it."
outside influences can really make you see things clearer...
[[ perfection ]]
noel's argument:
"you must face reality, no one is perfect. every one is bad in their own way. would you rather have a man who cheated on you but never did drugs or a man who treated you like a princess but smoked weed."
pina colada's point:
"why can't you have both?!"
my position:
"i totally agree with my pina colada... how i see it- why should i hafto settle?! i know what i want and what i deserve. i know im tired of having so many boyfriends. i really want to work things out but im not just going to give up let my standards go because im too lazy. i will search all my life if i hafto for that perfect man. all i know is i wont settle for less than what i know will make me happy."
[[ lying ]]
bryan's argument:
"first of all he lied to you! how can you trust someone who lied to you from the start? and you fell in love with someone who was just the image he wanted you to believe. knowing me, i wouldnt break up with them right away because it's just hard to do that. but months from now it will eventually lead to that."
mei's point:
"i think the reason why you're mad isnt the fact that he lied nor the finding that he smokes weed. you've been with guys who did. it was just different with him because you could see yourself with him in the future. you were serious and it was just a big disappointment. that is why you care so much because you love him. i can tell."
my position:
"both have very good points. bryan is right and knows from personal experiences with me that 'yes you might try to work it out because you like the person but from that point, the promise of forever starts to disappear. people last because they have that initial idea that they are meant for each other. then one mistake can change the mindset of one or both persons and the damages are irrepairable. you cant ever see the person the same way or see forever in your path together. and once that thought crosses your mind, there's not turning back. this is the turning point of all ruined relationships.
mei is right as well. i do love with him and i know it was supposed to be different this time. that is why i'm tripping out cuz im so confused. i love him but i hate him so much. i cant stand him being near me at all but when he walks away- its like he's taking a piece of me with him. i've come to need him and it sickens me. i know i cant let him go- especially right now. everyone is telling me to give it a try anyway. to see how i feel. maybe a break isnt what i need. i need to know what i feel now and if it doesnt feel right, then i can go with the break option. i really dont know about anything anymore. i confuse myself even more when i think of it."
this heart of mine was broken at 10:29:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
my happiness has a way of being temporary... its always like that... i dont really know if im being too dramatic as usual or if i have a reason to be mad... but the one person i didnt think could hurt me actually did... it was hard to swallow at first...
ok here goes... kyle lied to me... its kinda difficult for me to discuss cuz it makes me feel like an idiot... that somehow it was partly my fault... he told me about his past about drugs and drinking... promised me that he stopped and everything... tonight he smoked weed in front of me... he tells me later he does it on purpose so he could tell me that he never stopped... am i over-reacting about it? it already bothered me that he smoked tonight but knowing he was lying to me this whole time... now that's a different story... i should have known tho... i mean, he rocks sublime... says he'll advertise legalizing marijuana even tho he "doesnt do it anymore"...
so right now im confused... i know i shouldnt be talking about the whole lying issue because i lied too... its quite hypocritical of me and when it really comes down to it, at least he told me the truth... but then again i always provide excuses for these stupid boys... they dont deserve it... i know what i want and i dont see why i should stick around if they arent it... not only will i never be completely happy, its just provides the inevitability of failure... but then again, whats the big deal?
right now im at war with myself... people tell me to listen to my heart... but how can i do that when its currently lost in battle with my mind... like i dont know if i should just forgive this or just break it off... i just feel like ive had too many guys in such a short period of time... im tired of waiting for the next f*cker to come along and break my heart... i kinda want to stick around this time... to try to work things out instead of just letting the damn thing end... but on the other hand, i cant ever trust him again... he's a liar to me now and that's how i will always see him... yes i do love him but i realized that i dont love him as much anymore... a lil piece of the heart i have given him has started to melt away... i dont know if the feeling will continue and only get worse or if i will eventually get over it...
see, this is where the bad joanne part comes out... i can easily forgive at the moment but i cant ever forget... reminders just fuel my already hateful heart... it will only drive me to vengeance and a loss of conscience... knowing me, i will lie about everything... just telling him the truths that hurt... yeah, rubbing that sh*t in until he wants to leave me... but it will always be his fault cuz he lied...
i was thinking that relationships are about sacrifices... i gave up my life of boys and fun to be with him... so he can sleep at night and not have to worry about me... so why cant he give this up? its just weed... he swears its his life... maybe he has to choose what's more important to him... it sounds so cruel to give him my lingering ultimatum... we can still hang out and act like we're together... but unless he stops smoking weed, im gonna go out with other guys... but if he wants to see another chick, then he cant see me anymore... you're only allowed one broken relationship sacrifice per person... it sounds so blackmail... maybe "if you love me you'll" is a better approach... his decision will be less restricted and i'll know that if he chooses me, it wasnt because i was threatening him... i dont even know... i feel like doing bad things right now... he's lucky the weekends over... or i could be causing havoc elsewhere...
it just hurts right now... like i feel so disgusted with him... his lying lips that have kissed me so many times with my eyes shut so tightle... trusting ever inch of his deceitful body... and the moment he dropped the bomb on me, i lost a lot of things: my buddy, my confidant, my dream, my boyfriend... i dont know who this kyle is... what i do know- i dont really like... he's a pot head and a liar... can it get any worse? not in my eyes... well, if he was a cheater then that would definitely cut the cake now, would it? but the cheating deal goes with the lying thing... all i know right now is that i hate him... i want to kill him...
i dont want to be with him but how can i leave him when i cant live without him... he's shown me what life is like with him and i got used to that... i really dont want to remember days when he wasnt a part of it... im going in circles and i dont know who to listen to... my heart and mind are both telling me yes and no, except they alternate sides... thus proving my theory on how my life is never-ending drama...
[[ quizzies ]]
You are Pyrokinetic!
What's Your Magic Power?
brought to you by Quizilla
wow, you're heart is made of all things fluffy.
while it's nice to know that you're so full of
love, you annoy the hell out of me and other
people. but dont worry about it, you make
people feel good about them selves and are the
perfect girlfriend as you care. dont let
yourself get burnt, you have a rare heart
what is your heart made of?
brought to you by Quizilla
my happiness has a way of being temporary... its always like that... i dont really know if im being too dramatic as usual or if i have a reason to be mad... but the one person i didnt think could hurt me actually did... it was hard to swallow at first...
ok here goes... kyle lied to me... its kinda difficult for me to discuss cuz it makes me feel like an idiot... that somehow it was partly my fault... he told me about his past about drugs and drinking... promised me that he stopped and everything... tonight he smoked weed in front of me... he tells me later he does it on purpose so he could tell me that he never stopped... am i over-reacting about it? it already bothered me that he smoked tonight but knowing he was lying to me this whole time... now that's a different story... i should have known tho... i mean, he rocks sublime... says he'll advertise legalizing marijuana even tho he "doesnt do it anymore"...
so right now im confused... i know i shouldnt be talking about the whole lying issue because i lied too... its quite hypocritical of me and when it really comes down to it, at least he told me the truth... but then again i always provide excuses for these stupid boys... they dont deserve it... i know what i want and i dont see why i should stick around if they arent it... not only will i never be completely happy, its just provides the inevitability of failure... but then again, whats the big deal?
right now im at war with myself... people tell me to listen to my heart... but how can i do that when its currently lost in battle with my mind... like i dont know if i should just forgive this or just break it off... i just feel like ive had too many guys in such a short period of time... im tired of waiting for the next f*cker to come along and break my heart... i kinda want to stick around this time... to try to work things out instead of just letting the damn thing end... but on the other hand, i cant ever trust him again... he's a liar to me now and that's how i will always see him... yes i do love him but i realized that i dont love him as much anymore... a lil piece of the heart i have given him has started to melt away... i dont know if the feeling will continue and only get worse or if i will eventually get over it...
see, this is where the bad joanne part comes out... i can easily forgive at the moment but i cant ever forget... reminders just fuel my already hateful heart... it will only drive me to vengeance and a loss of conscience... knowing me, i will lie about everything... just telling him the truths that hurt... yeah, rubbing that sh*t in until he wants to leave me... but it will always be his fault cuz he lied...
i was thinking that relationships are about sacrifices... i gave up my life of boys and fun to be with him... so he can sleep at night and not have to worry about me... so why cant he give this up? its just weed... he swears its his life... maybe he has to choose what's more important to him... it sounds so cruel to give him my lingering ultimatum... we can still hang out and act like we're together... but unless he stops smoking weed, im gonna go out with other guys... but if he wants to see another chick, then he cant see me anymore... you're only allowed one broken relationship sacrifice per person... it sounds so blackmail... maybe "if you love me you'll" is a better approach... his decision will be less restricted and i'll know that if he chooses me, it wasnt because i was threatening him... i dont even know... i feel like doing bad things right now... he's lucky the weekends over... or i could be causing havoc elsewhere...
it just hurts right now... like i feel so disgusted with him... his lying lips that have kissed me so many times with my eyes shut so tightle... trusting ever inch of his deceitful body... and the moment he dropped the bomb on me, i lost a lot of things: my buddy, my confidant, my dream, my boyfriend... i dont know who this kyle is... what i do know- i dont really like... he's a pot head and a liar... can it get any worse? not in my eyes... well, if he was a cheater then that would definitely cut the cake now, would it? but the cheating deal goes with the lying thing... all i know right now is that i hate him... i want to kill him...
i dont want to be with him but how can i leave him when i cant live without him... he's shown me what life is like with him and i got used to that... i really dont want to remember days when he wasnt a part of it... im going in circles and i dont know who to listen to... my heart and mind are both telling me yes and no, except they alternate sides... thus proving my theory on how my life is never-ending drama...
[[ quizzies ]]
You are Pyrokinetic!
What's Your Magic Power?
brought to you by Quizilla
wow, you're heart is made of all things fluffy.
while it's nice to know that you're so full of
love, you annoy the hell out of me and other
people. but dont worry about it, you make
people feel good about them selves and are the
perfect girlfriend as you care. dont let
yourself get burnt, you have a rare heart
what is your heart made of?
brought to you by Quizilla
this heart of mine was broken at 12:55:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, May 17, 2003
Dear heart,
my life is a roller coaster... and here's why:
[[ thursday ]]
ok it started out a pretty good day... i went to spanish class and some chick complimented me that i wear the hottest clothes and that she always thought so... she said it ouloud too and i got kinda embrassed so i thanked her and ignored her the rest of the day... then i left my lab early to see kyle... but then i ate first... on my way to his house, i got a f*king ticket! i was going 55 in a 35 mph zone... argh! i dont have the money to pay for that sh*t!!!! anyway i get to his house and he's still out with his friends... and im feeling really frustrated so i cry why he calls me and i drive home in tears... im such a wimp... i get ready for ging's confirmation... we go and church had a grip of hotties- ... im upset because that lil f*cker didnt call me at all!!! and knowing him he usually does... so at seven or so i call his work and he's all apologizing for not seeing me and how he misses me... i was so ready to go off on him until he explains that his friend wouldnt take him home and just took him everywhere... that he was all grumpy the whole time...
anyway we went to denny's to eat and he randomly gave me a lil letter saying he wanted to grow old with me... "so old we'd hafto change each other's diapers"... i thought it was cute... then he took a plastic flower from an arrangement and gave it to me... he's can be so corny- its cute... i went to the bathroom and when i come out he attacks me with kisses... god! i missed him to... eventually i went home but was all happy anyway...
i finally talked to pina colada... she kept telling me she was in a bad mood that day but it didnt seem like it... we talked for a long ass time until kyle called me... he got all weird when i told her... "i thought you dont talk to her anymore" and i explained to him she just wanted to be left alone for awhile and that was why i didnt get to talk to her... it was of no decision on my part...
[[ friday ]]
kyle decides to wake up all early again just to go to school with me... he called himself a dork that he goes to school when he doesnt hafto... he walked me to class while he chilled in the music lounge and wrote me a letter in our notebook... i found out my greek myth class got canceled so we just decided to visit the japanese gardens... it was pretty there with big ol' fish... then walking to my car you'd NEVER guess who i saw... it was chuckie and his girlfriend ready to leave the parking lot... omg!!! i started hyper-ventelating... then we pass by them and he stares at me for a second and looks away... pretty slick... i dont know- it was nerve-raking! so then we go to my house and i take a shower and get ready... we go eat at hometown buffet and have this talk about our sexual past that just gets us both mad... i really hate comparing people and he asks me to do that! i couldnt lie to him so most of the time he was just disappointed...
then the idea dawns on him that he's not going to work today... that he's gonna spend the whole day with me... and i get so happy... so guess where we go? to the gym! can you imagine me in a gym? it was fun tho... we went on the treadmill, then on the bikes... after he taught me how to play raquetball... he kept winning but im getting better... right after all that sweating we went to the pool and swam some laps... it was relaxing tho... and all my make-up washed off... i usually freak out when guys see me without makeup but bleh... im his love... he doesnt care... teeheehee
so then i go home to change and we go eat at in 'n' out... then head off to universal city walk... that was fun... right when we parked- i dont know where it came from but we just started making out... it started with a lil kiss before we got out of the car that turned into this long *ss session... i really love kissing him... then we walk around... he's so animated like me- i love it! we saw this club and wanted to go inside... but we just danced right outside of it cuz we didnt wanna pay... i bought a dating 8 ball... we were asking questions and were really suprised when it kept answering correctly... i dont know how it ended up being 11:30 already but we were running to the car so cinderella could be home before her dad turns her into a pumpkin... he suggests we listen to oldies on our way home... he said that guys only listen to oldies when they are with their gf's cuz its all romantic songs... its fun just singing in the car with him... we got all into "i will survive!" it was hilarious...
i dont want any of this to end... im so incredibly happy with him... im scared to open my eyes and have this all be a dream... if it is, i never want to wake from it...
my life is a roller coaster... and here's why:
[[ thursday ]]
ok it started out a pretty good day... i went to spanish class and some chick complimented me that i wear the hottest clothes and that she always thought so... she said it ouloud too and i got kinda embrassed so i thanked her and ignored her the rest of the day... then i left my lab early to see kyle... but then i ate first... on my way to his house, i got a f*king ticket! i was going 55 in a 35 mph zone... argh! i dont have the money to pay for that sh*t!!!! anyway i get to his house and he's still out with his friends... and im feeling really frustrated so i cry why he calls me and i drive home in tears... im such a wimp... i get ready for ging's confirmation... we go and church had a grip of hotties- ... im upset because that lil f*cker didnt call me at all!!! and knowing him he usually does... so at seven or so i call his work and he's all apologizing for not seeing me and how he misses me... i was so ready to go off on him until he explains that his friend wouldnt take him home and just took him everywhere... that he was all grumpy the whole time...
anyway we went to denny's to eat and he randomly gave me a lil letter saying he wanted to grow old with me... "so old we'd hafto change each other's diapers"... i thought it was cute... then he took a plastic flower from an arrangement and gave it to me... he's can be so corny- its cute... i went to the bathroom and when i come out he attacks me with kisses... god! i missed him to... eventually i went home but was all happy anyway...
i finally talked to pina colada... she kept telling me she was in a bad mood that day but it didnt seem like it... we talked for a long ass time until kyle called me... he got all weird when i told her... "i thought you dont talk to her anymore" and i explained to him she just wanted to be left alone for awhile and that was why i didnt get to talk to her... it was of no decision on my part...
[[ friday ]]
kyle decides to wake up all early again just to go to school with me... he called himself a dork that he goes to school when he doesnt hafto... he walked me to class while he chilled in the music lounge and wrote me a letter in our notebook... i found out my greek myth class got canceled so we just decided to visit the japanese gardens... it was pretty there with big ol' fish... then walking to my car you'd NEVER guess who i saw... it was chuckie and his girlfriend ready to leave the parking lot... omg!!! i started hyper-ventelating... then we pass by them and he stares at me for a second and looks away... pretty slick... i dont know- it was nerve-raking! so then we go to my house and i take a shower and get ready... we go eat at hometown buffet and have this talk about our sexual past that just gets us both mad... i really hate comparing people and he asks me to do that! i couldnt lie to him so most of the time he was just disappointed...
then the idea dawns on him that he's not going to work today... that he's gonna spend the whole day with me... and i get so happy... so guess where we go? to the gym! can you imagine me in a gym? it was fun tho... we went on the treadmill, then on the bikes... after he taught me how to play raquetball... he kept winning but im getting better... right after all that sweating we went to the pool and swam some laps... it was relaxing tho... and all my make-up washed off... i usually freak out when guys see me without makeup but bleh... im his love... he doesnt care... teeheehee
so then i go home to change and we go eat at in 'n' out... then head off to universal city walk... that was fun... right when we parked- i dont know where it came from but we just started making out... it started with a lil kiss before we got out of the car that turned into this long *ss session... i really love kissing him... then we walk around... he's so animated like me- i love it! we saw this club and wanted to go inside... but we just danced right outside of it cuz we didnt wanna pay... i bought a dating 8 ball... we were asking questions and were really suprised when it kept answering correctly... i dont know how it ended up being 11:30 already but we were running to the car so cinderella could be home before her dad turns her into a pumpkin... he suggests we listen to oldies on our way home... he said that guys only listen to oldies when they are with their gf's cuz its all romantic songs... its fun just singing in the car with him... we got all into "i will survive!" it was hilarious...
i dont want any of this to end... im so incredibly happy with him... im scared to open my eyes and have this all be a dream... if it is, i never want to wake from it...
this heart of mine was broken at 10:21:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, May 15, 2003
Dear heart,
[[ quiz time ]]
Which flock do you follow?
this quiz was made by alanna
How random are you?
this quiz was made by alanna
Do you cluck or do you roar?
this quiz was made by alanna
What DragonBall Girl Are You?
What DragonBall Guy Are You?
Who's Your Anime Boyfriend?
if i was an anime gf i'd be...
Who's Your Anime Girlfriend?
What Anime Type Are You?
What Anime Vampire Are You?
GOOD SOURCE!
[[ quiz time ]]
Which flock do you follow?
this quiz was made by alanna
How random are you?
this quiz was made by alanna
Do you cluck or do you roar?
this quiz was made by alanna
What DragonBall Girl Are You?
What DragonBall Guy Are You?
Who's Your Anime Boyfriend?
if i was an anime gf i'd be...
Who's Your Anime Girlfriend?
What Anime Type Are You?
What Anime Vampire Are You?
GOOD SOURCE!
this heart of mine was broken at 12:58:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i read pina colada's journal last night... just a lot of things went through my head but basically it all came down to having me feel bad... it sucks that she has doubts about whether i'll be there for her or not... i know ive been quite absorbed in my relationship with kyle... but it doesnt mean i stopped caring... i just havent talked to her... and i dont wanna bug her by calling cuz she wanted to be left alone... she had a dream about me... i still dont know what it was about... i dont ever talk to her anymore that she can even tell me... i wish she did tho...
god! all my friends from school must think im going nuts... they always tell me "i read your journal" when they see me around... i dont really know EXACTLY what that means... are you just telling me that or do you want to address something? my best suggestion is just to comment... any questions or concerns? that's what the comment boxes are for...
i read pina colada's journal last night... just a lot of things went through my head but basically it all came down to having me feel bad... it sucks that she has doubts about whether i'll be there for her or not... i know ive been quite absorbed in my relationship with kyle... but it doesnt mean i stopped caring... i just havent talked to her... and i dont wanna bug her by calling cuz she wanted to be left alone... she had a dream about me... i still dont know what it was about... i dont ever talk to her anymore that she can even tell me... i wish she did tho...
god! all my friends from school must think im going nuts... they always tell me "i read your journal" when they see me around... i dont really know EXACTLY what that means... are you just telling me that or do you want to address something? my best suggestion is just to comment... any questions or concerns? that's what the comment boxes are for...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:46:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
Dear heart,
i dont know exactly what i did to deserve such a perfect boyfriend... everything else that happened today was a blur... all i know is that kyle called me right when i got to the norwalk library to drop off my books... he said to meet him at kfc so i did... i was so excited to see him... our notebook idea was progressing nicely... we decided that we would just use one instead of constantly exchanging two... he wrote me something and i didnt wanna read it till i got to work... we were just chillin but ifelt really hyper and energized and talked really really fast like omgdoyouknowwhathappenedtoday?... yeah... im nuts... i drank that new expresso and cream from starbucks with 2 shots of expresso... some people thought it was was too strong... i say: "good stuff!"
anyway he tells me about some jobs he wants to apply for... so being the nice girl that i am, i let him borrow my car so he can drive to these places... he's gonna get his car next week anyway... so he drops me off at work and im kinda worried cuz i never let anyone use my car, especially without me in it... but when i was going down the stairs, i read his letter and i just couldnt stop smiling... seriously made my whole f*cking day at work... i totally forgot about my precious car... he picks me up at 6 and reveals to me that he washed my car for me... isnt that so f*cking sweet?! dude! i was kissing him with all my thank you's... then while he's driving- i put the little sun thingy down and a rose drops to my lap... SUPRISE! i coulda dyed... i turned red because no one has ever been this nice to me before... i never know how to react to kind gestures... but i told him thank you and that i hated him for being so damn nice... but you know deep inside me i was dancing with all that expresso running through my blood... we went to the bank then went to eat... i dont know what happens the rest of the day because he wasnt part if it so it wasnt significant...
so that is my day... and that , my friends, is my sweet *ss boyfriend kyle...
[[ fav. quote from him ]]
"she got this pen from the swap meet. that's right! she's ghetto like that"
(he meant that in a good way of course)
Your Heart is Red
What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla
i dont know exactly what i did to deserve such a perfect boyfriend... everything else that happened today was a blur... all i know is that kyle called me right when i got to the norwalk library to drop off my books... he said to meet him at kfc so i did... i was so excited to see him... our notebook idea was progressing nicely... we decided that we would just use one instead of constantly exchanging two... he wrote me something and i didnt wanna read it till i got to work... we were just chillin but ifelt really hyper and energized and talked really really fast like omgdoyouknowwhathappenedtoday?... yeah... im nuts... i drank that new expresso and cream from starbucks with 2 shots of expresso... some people thought it was was too strong... i say: "good stuff!"
anyway he tells me about some jobs he wants to apply for... so being the nice girl that i am, i let him borrow my car so he can drive to these places... he's gonna get his car next week anyway... so he drops me off at work and im kinda worried cuz i never let anyone use my car, especially without me in it... but when i was going down the stairs, i read his letter and i just couldnt stop smiling... seriously made my whole f*cking day at work... i totally forgot about my precious car... he picks me up at 6 and reveals to me that he washed my car for me... isnt that so f*cking sweet?! dude! i was kissing him with all my thank you's... then while he's driving- i put the little sun thingy down and a rose drops to my lap... SUPRISE! i coulda dyed... i turned red because no one has ever been this nice to me before... i never know how to react to kind gestures... but i told him thank you and that i hated him for being so damn nice... but you know deep inside me i was dancing with all that expresso running through my blood... we went to the bank then went to eat... i dont know what happens the rest of the day because he wasnt part if it so it wasnt significant...
so that is my day... and that , my friends, is my sweet *ss boyfriend kyle...
[[ fav. quote from him ]]
"she got this pen from the swap meet. that's right! she's ghetto like that"
(he meant that in a good way of course)
Your Heart is Red
What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla
this heart of mine was broken at 10:30:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
yesterday was another fun day with kyle... he called me in the morning while i was dropping off the pics at save on... he decided to come to class with me again... so he drops me off near my classroom... i had my oral test in spanish... i think i did wretched... he meets me up right after class... we ate at carls jr... and we were trying to keep getting each other jealous...and then getting each other back... but we concluded that we did sh*t like that cuz we're best friends... we can mess around by talking about other people because we know that even though "yes they are fine," we're confident enough to know we have each other and thats all we need... we're happy together and who'd want to f*ck that up?! i like being called his lil buddy... it makes me feel really close to him... we drive home and watch a sublime dvd at his pad... im so tired i keep falling asleep... he gets mad cuz he's obsessed with sublime and he wants me to learn all about them... but i was just to damn exhausted from my surmounting amount of stress and the extensive lack of sleep lately... so we go visit his dad and drop off videos... then he takes me to my house to change for work... we chill at his pad till i hafto leave... i really hate leaving him tho...
so no one was working late with me... i use it to my advantage and take an hour break at 6:00 to visit kyle... then we got free in 'n' out at my work at 8 so i took another break then... i didnt get much done tho... hope no one noticed... right now im at school doing lab hours for my spanish class... i only have 2 hours and i need 16 by next tuesday or i fail... grr! i need to go to work early today so i can go to my cousin's confirmation practive... then i get to see my bf so i'm excited... i live for the next moment with him... he had this really cute idea about these notebooks we got free from MTV's campus invasion... we decorated them and we trade em each time we see each other so we're always writing letters to each other... he's so romantic... the funny tihng was- i thought of the idea first but dismissed it because i thought he mighta found it kinda lame... but then he comes out with it and now he gets the credit... i decorated mine last night and mine is really cute... his just has a bob marley sticker... guys really need more imagination! haha... im kinda really stressed out right now... i have so much sh*t to do before work at 2... library books, making sure my granda doesnt forget my sister, and seeing my baby... argh! when will the stress end?! hopefully after finals... then i can focus on losing weight and exercising!
yesterday was another fun day with kyle... he called me in the morning while i was dropping off the pics at save on... he decided to come to class with me again... so he drops me off near my classroom... i had my oral test in spanish... i think i did wretched... he meets me up right after class... we ate at carls jr... and we were trying to keep getting each other jealous...and then getting each other back... but we concluded that we did sh*t like that cuz we're best friends... we can mess around by talking about other people because we know that even though "yes they are fine," we're confident enough to know we have each other and thats all we need... we're happy together and who'd want to f*ck that up?! i like being called his lil buddy... it makes me feel really close to him... we drive home and watch a sublime dvd at his pad... im so tired i keep falling asleep... he gets mad cuz he's obsessed with sublime and he wants me to learn all about them... but i was just to damn exhausted from my surmounting amount of stress and the extensive lack of sleep lately... so we go visit his dad and drop off videos... then he takes me to my house to change for work... we chill at his pad till i hafto leave... i really hate leaving him tho...
so no one was working late with me... i use it to my advantage and take an hour break at 6:00 to visit kyle... then we got free in 'n' out at my work at 8 so i took another break then... i didnt get much done tho... hope no one noticed... right now im at school doing lab hours for my spanish class... i only have 2 hours and i need 16 by next tuesday or i fail... grr! i need to go to work early today so i can go to my cousin's confirmation practive... then i get to see my bf so i'm excited... i live for the next moment with him... he had this really cute idea about these notebooks we got free from MTV's campus invasion... we decorated them and we trade em each time we see each other so we're always writing letters to each other... he's so romantic... the funny tihng was- i thought of the idea first but dismissed it because i thought he mighta found it kinda lame... but then he comes out with it and now he gets the credit... i decorated mine last night and mine is really cute... his just has a bob marley sticker... guys really need more imagination! haha... im kinda really stressed out right now... i have so much sh*t to do before work at 2... library books, making sure my granda doesnt forget my sister, and seeing my baby... argh! when will the stress end?! hopefully after finals... then i can focus on losing weight and exercising!
this heart of mine was broken at 11:49:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, May 12, 2003
Dear heart,
i had the best f*cking weekend ever! at first, i didnt think it would turn out that way... it was having a pretty crappy start...
[[ saturday ]]
i saw kyle on saturday before he went to work and it just didnt feel right being with him... he seemed distant and estranged... i tried to ignore but the sinking feeling of dread was there... anyway, after i dropped him off there was really nothing to do... i drove around aimlessly and even passed by jungle Guy's house like in my old stalker days... gave me a quick rush but no satisfaction... until i get a call from mei... BAM! she hits me with the great news that tina was coming down! it was a spur of the moment idea from her boyfriend... i was so excited... i picked up mei and went back to my house to dl songs for a cd we could bump while we cruise...she finally gets here like 11: 30 and i was just bursting with excitement! i missed her so damn much!
so of course we went to eat at denny's... kyle greeted tina as "hey you're that famous chick" since i always talked about her... well, mei's boyfriend's friends came later and were acting up... they started smart-talking my bf! bastards! eventually we leave and im confused because kyle is being really nice... like nothing was wrong at all... maybe it was just me who was feeling the bad stuff, eh? i got in the car and waited for him to come outside and say bye to me... but he was so busy and i thought he was flirting with somone through the window... so i got pissed and drove away... but i didnt care... tina was here and that was all that really mattered... we took a drive... to long beach, then NEAR the beach, and back... it was dope! we were just having fun driving... i didnt care how much gas i wasted... eventually my dad keeps calling and i knew i had to be home... before 2 at least... i had to see kyle before i headed home so i stopped by his work again... he was still busy but he managed to sneak out and kiss me good night... it was all i really needed to complete my night... the thing to leave me with a smile on my face as i go home... his co-worker came out looking for him so he had to go back...
tina and her bf ended up sleeping with me IN MY BED! interesting... i havent had a sleepover in forever and it was with a girl AND a GUY?! crazy... i sort of wished kyle coulda pretended he was tina's bf so he could sleep over too... dammit! anyway we stayed up talking till 3:24 or so... then fell asleep... kyle woke me up at 4:32 when he got home... the funny thing was, things were back to normal... we talked like nothing was ever wrong... like he never chose to chill with his guy friends rather than spend the whole day with me... but i was just happy... we were flirting again... heehee...
[[ sunday ]]
the next morning i pick him up and take him to town center with us... but i had to go back home to help with the b-day party for my parents... kyle came with me and i had to cut veggies... he just watched tv on the couch AFTER he met my parents for the first time... when they left, we kinda fooled around and then i went back to work as kitchen staff... eventually we play ps2 and we're go at it at DOA2... at first he beat me but i went on a 10 in a row winning streak... the last 3 he won, i think... grr! it was fun though...
after that, mei, tina and eric came back from the beach... eric decides to take my bf for a ride... i was all suspicious that they were up to no good... when they came back with bags and bags of soda- i felt like shit... i seriouslythought they went out to buy sodas for the party... turns out my mom just came home and they just helped her take the bags in... i laughed when kyle told me cuz i felt stupid!
so we all started singing karaoke... dude we had the best time! even my boyfriend was singing... disney songs are the best kind to play around with... eventually tina and eric leave around 7 or so... i know kyle is gonna miss eric... they got along so damn well... i like that... my best friend's boyfriend can be best friends with my boyfriend! that would be the ideal plan for summer... never-ending double dates!
i had a speech the next day so i had to get copies of my visual aid... so i wanted to go to kinkos... me and kyle needed to escape the family scene for a bit anyway and make out or something... haha! unfortunately, my cousin ging and her boyfriend decided to come with us... i mean, they're cool to hang out with but we just wanted to be alone at that point... when we got back, we had a crazy idea for him to sleep over because eric got to do it and he didnt think it fair... so i devised an idea to pretend to leave the house and have him sneak into my side windows while i drive to his house and back without him... it actually worked!!! after getting back from his place, i changed into sleeping clothes and he took off his work clothes and just wore his boxers and his thin white shirt... we made love and then i got crackin with my speech... he just watched me while i typed up my outline... i was worried that he'd get bored... i just felt so happy though... i've always wanted that- my boyfriend there while i do homework... like we live together or something... i didnt even rehearse my speech and decided to wake up at 6 in the AM to do that cuz i was so f*cking tired...
by the time i went to bed, he was already sleeping... aww! my poor baby... but right when i got in the covers, he woke up... i felt bad... i know he never gets any sleep anymore because of me... we cuddled, then started kissing and one thing led to another and we ended up doing it again... heehee... after that, i rolled over and fell asleep... he kept trying to pull me closer but i was fine the way i was...
[[ monday ]]
i woke up with the damn alarm... i didnt know how i ended up all snuggled next to him in his arms but it felt great to wake up to him... ive never slept with a guy through the night before (except eric but tina cancels him out! haha)... i kept snoozing my phone alarm and i dont know if that annoyed him or not cuz he'd hafto wake up too... eventually he just ended up holding my phone instead of having me reach for it each time... when i decided to actually get up, we gave each other kissies with out nasty morning breath... being the smell-oriented person i am, i should have been disgusted... but not with him... i just felt so comfortable with him... like this is where i belonged... usually im skeptical of the thought of finding the one to spend your life with at my age... i cringe at the thought of marriage and pity those who have already planned their lives with another person... but when it comes to kyle, things are different... all signs in my head point to yes... i can imagine looking forward to each day with him for the rest of my life... its really creepy huh? i woulda thought so...
anyway i hop in the shower while he goes back to bed... i hafto hurry cuz i need to sneak him out when my mom takes my sis to school... good thing my dad was still sleeping... so i get ready and he helps me pick out professional looking clothing for my speech... we go to his house real quick so he can change and head off to school... i was panicked cuz my outline didn't print out correctly which means i hafto haul *ss to the library to print it out... it was all the way at the end of campus... so we run hand in hand... and he tries to make jokes that only stress me out more... but he made me smile nonetheless... walking to class we find that theres a campus invasion by mtv that day! yay! perfect day to take him to school...
so i go and do my speech... i miss one point but i was in a good mood anyway cuz he was waiting outside for me... we have breakfast and walk around... then we walk to the japanese gardens but they were closed... so we walked all the way back to campus to chill after determining our trouble with trying to find parking if we left and came back... it was 10:45 and campus invasion was at 12... i go to the class i skipped and wait outside to ask anyone what we did... they did nothing but watch the matrix... GOOD! so i take kyle to the music lounge... and we grab a bean bag and couch and knock out... we slept till 12:10... that is until i woke up from his snoring... i wonder if anyone else heard him... he was pretty loud and everyone else in there was sleeping too... we whisper about the music they are playing and just listen awhile... then we head back down to the student union and join MTV's fun... we watch talib kwali (<- is that his name?) but kyle was kinda acting grumpy... he informed me later it was because he was trying to smoke less but people were making it hard for him when they smoke right in front of his face... we finally go home but i still chill with him till 3... i spent 26 hours with this boy straight! amazing!
its my parents b-day today so they took me to lunch... i had to rush cuz i went during work... *sigh... this weekend was perfect... my best friend and boyfriend shared it with me... what more could i ask for? they are all i really need... and add her bf eric to that... its more than perfect! cant wait till she comes back down... eric is coming down the end of may... i bet kyle is excited about that... cant wait for summer... it will be great for all four of us...
i had the best f*cking weekend ever! at first, i didnt think it would turn out that way... it was having a pretty crappy start...
[[ saturday ]]
i saw kyle on saturday before he went to work and it just didnt feel right being with him... he seemed distant and estranged... i tried to ignore but the sinking feeling of dread was there... anyway, after i dropped him off there was really nothing to do... i drove around aimlessly and even passed by jungle Guy's house like in my old stalker days... gave me a quick rush but no satisfaction... until i get a call from mei... BAM! she hits me with the great news that tina was coming down! it was a spur of the moment idea from her boyfriend... i was so excited... i picked up mei and went back to my house to dl songs for a cd we could bump while we cruise...she finally gets here like 11: 30 and i was just bursting with excitement! i missed her so damn much!
so of course we went to eat at denny's... kyle greeted tina as "hey you're that famous chick" since i always talked about her... well, mei's boyfriend's friends came later and were acting up... they started smart-talking my bf! bastards! eventually we leave and im confused because kyle is being really nice... like nothing was wrong at all... maybe it was just me who was feeling the bad stuff, eh? i got in the car and waited for him to come outside and say bye to me... but he was so busy and i thought he was flirting with somone through the window... so i got pissed and drove away... but i didnt care... tina was here and that was all that really mattered... we took a drive... to long beach, then NEAR the beach, and back... it was dope! we were just having fun driving... i didnt care how much gas i wasted... eventually my dad keeps calling and i knew i had to be home... before 2 at least... i had to see kyle before i headed home so i stopped by his work again... he was still busy but he managed to sneak out and kiss me good night... it was all i really needed to complete my night... the thing to leave me with a smile on my face as i go home... his co-worker came out looking for him so he had to go back...
tina and her bf ended up sleeping with me IN MY BED! interesting... i havent had a sleepover in forever and it was with a girl AND a GUY?! crazy... i sort of wished kyle coulda pretended he was tina's bf so he could sleep over too... dammit! anyway we stayed up talking till 3:24 or so... then fell asleep... kyle woke me up at 4:32 when he got home... the funny thing was, things were back to normal... we talked like nothing was ever wrong... like he never chose to chill with his guy friends rather than spend the whole day with me... but i was just happy... we were flirting again... heehee...
[[ sunday ]]
the next morning i pick him up and take him to town center with us... but i had to go back home to help with the b-day party for my parents... kyle came with me and i had to cut veggies... he just watched tv on the couch AFTER he met my parents for the first time... when they left, we kinda fooled around and then i went back to work as kitchen staff... eventually we play ps2 and we're go at it at DOA2... at first he beat me but i went on a 10 in a row winning streak... the last 3 he won, i think... grr! it was fun though...
after that, mei, tina and eric came back from the beach... eric decides to take my bf for a ride... i was all suspicious that they were up to no good... when they came back with bags and bags of soda- i felt like shit... i seriouslythought they went out to buy sodas for the party... turns out my mom just came home and they just helped her take the bags in... i laughed when kyle told me cuz i felt stupid!
so we all started singing karaoke... dude we had the best time! even my boyfriend was singing... disney songs are the best kind to play around with... eventually tina and eric leave around 7 or so... i know kyle is gonna miss eric... they got along so damn well... i like that... my best friend's boyfriend can be best friends with my boyfriend! that would be the ideal plan for summer... never-ending double dates!
i had a speech the next day so i had to get copies of my visual aid... so i wanted to go to kinkos... me and kyle needed to escape the family scene for a bit anyway and make out or something... haha! unfortunately, my cousin ging and her boyfriend decided to come with us... i mean, they're cool to hang out with but we just wanted to be alone at that point... when we got back, we had a crazy idea for him to sleep over because eric got to do it and he didnt think it fair... so i devised an idea to pretend to leave the house and have him sneak into my side windows while i drive to his house and back without him... it actually worked!!! after getting back from his place, i changed into sleeping clothes and he took off his work clothes and just wore his boxers and his thin white shirt... we made love and then i got crackin with my speech... he just watched me while i typed up my outline... i was worried that he'd get bored... i just felt so happy though... i've always wanted that- my boyfriend there while i do homework... like we live together or something... i didnt even rehearse my speech and decided to wake up at 6 in the AM to do that cuz i was so f*cking tired...
by the time i went to bed, he was already sleeping... aww! my poor baby... but right when i got in the covers, he woke up... i felt bad... i know he never gets any sleep anymore because of me... we cuddled, then started kissing and one thing led to another and we ended up doing it again... heehee... after that, i rolled over and fell asleep... he kept trying to pull me closer but i was fine the way i was...
[[ monday ]]
i woke up with the damn alarm... i didnt know how i ended up all snuggled next to him in his arms but it felt great to wake up to him... ive never slept with a guy through the night before (except eric but tina cancels him out! haha)... i kept snoozing my phone alarm and i dont know if that annoyed him or not cuz he'd hafto wake up too... eventually he just ended up holding my phone instead of having me reach for it each time... when i decided to actually get up, we gave each other kissies with out nasty morning breath... being the smell-oriented person i am, i should have been disgusted... but not with him... i just felt so comfortable with him... like this is where i belonged... usually im skeptical of the thought of finding the one to spend your life with at my age... i cringe at the thought of marriage and pity those who have already planned their lives with another person... but when it comes to kyle, things are different... all signs in my head point to yes... i can imagine looking forward to each day with him for the rest of my life... its really creepy huh? i woulda thought so...
anyway i hop in the shower while he goes back to bed... i hafto hurry cuz i need to sneak him out when my mom takes my sis to school... good thing my dad was still sleeping... so i get ready and he helps me pick out professional looking clothing for my speech... we go to his house real quick so he can change and head off to school... i was panicked cuz my outline didn't print out correctly which means i hafto haul *ss to the library to print it out... it was all the way at the end of campus... so we run hand in hand... and he tries to make jokes that only stress me out more... but he made me smile nonetheless... walking to class we find that theres a campus invasion by mtv that day! yay! perfect day to take him to school...
so i go and do my speech... i miss one point but i was in a good mood anyway cuz he was waiting outside for me... we have breakfast and walk around... then we walk to the japanese gardens but they were closed... so we walked all the way back to campus to chill after determining our trouble with trying to find parking if we left and came back... it was 10:45 and campus invasion was at 12... i go to the class i skipped and wait outside to ask anyone what we did... they did nothing but watch the matrix... GOOD! so i take kyle to the music lounge... and we grab a bean bag and couch and knock out... we slept till 12:10... that is until i woke up from his snoring... i wonder if anyone else heard him... he was pretty loud and everyone else in there was sleeping too... we whisper about the music they are playing and just listen awhile... then we head back down to the student union and join MTV's fun... we watch talib kwali (<- is that his name?) but kyle was kinda acting grumpy... he informed me later it was because he was trying to smoke less but people were making it hard for him when they smoke right in front of his face... we finally go home but i still chill with him till 3... i spent 26 hours with this boy straight! amazing!
its my parents b-day today so they took me to lunch... i had to rush cuz i went during work... *sigh... this weekend was perfect... my best friend and boyfriend shared it with me... what more could i ask for? they are all i really need... and add her bf eric to that... its more than perfect! cant wait till she comes back down... eric is coming down the end of may... i bet kyle is excited about that... cant wait for summer... it will be great for all four of us...
this heart of mine was broken at 10:21:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, May 11, 2003
Dear heart,
im so excited... my best friend drove down here at the spur of the moment! yay! her bf is so nice that he took her down here cuz she's been feeling homesick...
( continue later )
im so excited... my best friend drove down here at the spur of the moment! yay! her bf is so nice that he took her down here cuz she's been feeling homesick...
( continue later )
this heart of mine was broken at 10:37:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, May 10, 2003
Dear heart,
i've learned the importance of friendship... when your significant other is causing turmoil in your life- where do you turn? i used to have this theory that when i got a bf, i didnt need my guy friends anymore... it was just less confusing to just have one guy in your life to worry about, to talk to each night, to chill with... and less stressfful for my boyfriend that he needs not worry about me with other guy... but now i note the error of my ways... maybe its more convenient to have lots of guy friends... when kyle leaves me lonely, where am i to turn? yeah, mei is cool but she has a bf now... she's busy with him... and most of my girl friends have boyfriends that they would rather chill with than me...
my weekends are getting really lame because of kyle... dont get me wrong- hanging with him is the best! i love my boyfriend! but then at night, when he leaves me what can i do? all i do is stop at denny's before ending my gay night to see him... i miss partying, i miss clubbing, i miss dinner and movies in the evening with boys... i wish i could share these things with him... but he really cant and i understand that... do i ask for too much? am i too needy of his time?
ok i have a reason to write every entree... this one was because of a confusing phone call from him... he called me at 12:15 or so... he informed me that he woke up at 11:30 so that means he didnt call me RIGHT when he got up... he always used to- but i thought nothing of it... then he asks me what im doing then tells me he's seeing his dad today... then he wanted to get off... it was just eerie how he wasnt being nice and sweet to me, like he usually is, but not mean or hostile either... so then i call him back and ask if i was going to see him today... i needed to know if i should make disposable plans that i could just ditch if he wanted to see me or definite plans so i dont hafto wait for his call and just let myself have fun... first he gets mad that i called his grandma's line then he wanted to know what i was doing... i still didnt know tho! sheesh! so he's like "i'll just call you later" and i say "ok" then he hangs up... no goodbye or anything! wtf was that?! i dont understand...
i dont even know WHY i waste my weekends at denny's when i could be having fun... why i waste brain space thinking of him when i there are so much other sh*t i hafto worry about... why i strain my heart by missing him when i should know better than to get all soft over some random guy... yeah, i know he already got to me... i know he found a niche in the wall that surrounds my fragile little heart... i dont know how i'd take it if my heart was broken again... im sorry but 4 heartbreaks in a span of 5 months is way too damn much, donthcha think? i sure know how to pick em, huh? you dont think he's cheating on me, do you? i think that would literally kill me if i found that... or maybe he's getting sick of seeing me all the damn time... is that it? i just spent so much time with him because i thought he WANTED to see me... that he needed to in order to function with the rest of his day...
im gonna have fun today and turn my phone off... dont need to know that he wants to see me or not... if he doesnt call, then i would never know... if he does, then good for him but im not gonna be a stupid girl and waste my time waiting around all day for his *ss... ima get ready now... f*ck guys! argh! i hate you all!
i've learned the importance of friendship... when your significant other is causing turmoil in your life- where do you turn? i used to have this theory that when i got a bf, i didnt need my guy friends anymore... it was just less confusing to just have one guy in your life to worry about, to talk to each night, to chill with... and less stressfful for my boyfriend that he needs not worry about me with other guy... but now i note the error of my ways... maybe its more convenient to have lots of guy friends... when kyle leaves me lonely, where am i to turn? yeah, mei is cool but she has a bf now... she's busy with him... and most of my girl friends have boyfriends that they would rather chill with than me...
my weekends are getting really lame because of kyle... dont get me wrong- hanging with him is the best! i love my boyfriend! but then at night, when he leaves me what can i do? all i do is stop at denny's before ending my gay night to see him... i miss partying, i miss clubbing, i miss dinner and movies in the evening with boys... i wish i could share these things with him... but he really cant and i understand that... do i ask for too much? am i too needy of his time?
ok i have a reason to write every entree... this one was because of a confusing phone call from him... he called me at 12:15 or so... he informed me that he woke up at 11:30 so that means he didnt call me RIGHT when he got up... he always used to- but i thought nothing of it... then he asks me what im doing then tells me he's seeing his dad today... then he wanted to get off... it was just eerie how he wasnt being nice and sweet to me, like he usually is, but not mean or hostile either... so then i call him back and ask if i was going to see him today... i needed to know if i should make disposable plans that i could just ditch if he wanted to see me or definite plans so i dont hafto wait for his call and just let myself have fun... first he gets mad that i called his grandma's line then he wanted to know what i was doing... i still didnt know tho! sheesh! so he's like "i'll just call you later" and i say "ok" then he hangs up... no goodbye or anything! wtf was that?! i dont understand...
i dont even know WHY i waste my weekends at denny's when i could be having fun... why i waste brain space thinking of him when i there are so much other sh*t i hafto worry about... why i strain my heart by missing him when i should know better than to get all soft over some random guy... yeah, i know he already got to me... i know he found a niche in the wall that surrounds my fragile little heart... i dont know how i'd take it if my heart was broken again... im sorry but 4 heartbreaks in a span of 5 months is way too damn much, donthcha think? i sure know how to pick em, huh? you dont think he's cheating on me, do you? i think that would literally kill me if i found that... or maybe he's getting sick of seeing me all the damn time... is that it? i just spent so much time with him because i thought he WANTED to see me... that he needed to in order to function with the rest of his day...
im gonna have fun today and turn my phone off... dont need to know that he wants to see me or not... if he doesnt call, then i would never know... if he does, then good for him but im not gonna be a stupid girl and waste my time waiting around all day for his *ss... ima get ready now... f*ck guys! argh! i hate you all!
this heart of mine was broken at 1:17:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
[[ horoscope of the day ]]
"You are going to make a fairy tale the fact? Act and you will manage to do it. Only choose a good fairy tale, not a terrifying one"
omg they said my name on the radio last night... mei and her boyfriend took me with them to signal hill after we ate at thai bbq... they walked around waatching the stars while i sat in the car lonely as hell... so i started to think of kyle and that desiree song that says "but watching stars without you- my soul cries"... i just missed him and wish he could see me at night... i hate his graveyard shift at denny's... argh! anyway i called up KOST 103.5 and started talking to that lady that i missed my boyfriend and how great he was... so then she picked out a song for us and did a dedication over the radio! it was so cool hearing my name and his name together... awww!
lately the only thing in my life that means anything is kyle... everyone i care about isnt really around anymore... tina is still up in berkely, pina colada needs to be alone, and milo is too busy with his pcn friends... *sigh those are the only friends that really stick around- the ones who matter... ive been very grumpy lately tho... ive noticed that i have PMS before, furing, and after my rag... i dont really find that normal, do you? i think i need help... ive just been very angry.., well, maybe a lil bipolar... one minute having the best time of my life with kyle then giving him dirty looks for doing/saying something little that irks me... actually, i can be smiling one minute then punching my hand the next... its weird... i think i do need help...
[[ horoscope of the day ]]
"You are going to make a fairy tale the fact? Act and you will manage to do it. Only choose a good fairy tale, not a terrifying one"
omg they said my name on the radio last night... mei and her boyfriend took me with them to signal hill after we ate at thai bbq... they walked around waatching the stars while i sat in the car lonely as hell... so i started to think of kyle and that desiree song that says "but watching stars without you- my soul cries"... i just missed him and wish he could see me at night... i hate his graveyard shift at denny's... argh! anyway i called up KOST 103.5 and started talking to that lady that i missed my boyfriend and how great he was... so then she picked out a song for us and did a dedication over the radio! it was so cool hearing my name and his name together... awww!
lately the only thing in my life that means anything is kyle... everyone i care about isnt really around anymore... tina is still up in berkely, pina colada needs to be alone, and milo is too busy with his pcn friends... *sigh those are the only friends that really stick around- the ones who matter... ive been very grumpy lately tho... ive noticed that i have PMS before, furing, and after my rag... i dont really find that normal, do you? i think i need help... ive just been very angry.., well, maybe a lil bipolar... one minute having the best time of my life with kyle then giving him dirty looks for doing/saying something little that irks me... actually, i can be smiling one minute then punching my hand the next... its weird... i think i do need help...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:30:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, May 09, 2003
Dear heart,
quizzies to start off my day...
I'm Rachel Green from Friends!
Take the Friends Quiz here.
created by
stomps.
You are.."Summer Wind was Always our
Song". You're a super nostalgic one..who
always dwells in the past..and can't except
that life isn't fair. Hearts change..oh-so
nostalgic one..so just look to the future.
Which Ataris song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
(jungle boy?)
quizzies to start off my day...
 | Love-a-Lot Bear |
I'm Rachel Green from Friends!
Take the Friends Quiz here.
created by
stomps.
You are.."Summer Wind was Always our
Song". You're a super nostalgic one..who
always dwells in the past..and can't except
that life isn't fair. Hearts change..oh-so
nostalgic one..so just look to the future.
Which Ataris song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
(jungle boy?)
this heart of mine was broken at 10:39:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i just did a horrible thing right now... i kinda regressed in my "moving on from jungle boy" deal... ok dont slap me but i called him... i put my number on block and just called him... omg! when i heard his voice, all the memories flooded back to me... this overwhelming feeling of regret and loneliness is filling me...
dude i was so happy with him... i dont think i would have ever cheated on him... even if the finest man alive woulda asked for a kiss- i would have said no... i still remember all the lil things he used to do for me... the person he used to be to me... i havent seen him since (checking my archives) march 13 and i havent talked to him since march 17... how strange to have someone so important to you at one point be reduced to just a faint memory... does he ever think of me? does he ever regret losing someone like me? "you're great, babe" was a common phrase that escaped his lips... god! im reading what i had written before... i know i was really happy then... sheesh... just when i thought i erased him from my mind, his memory comes creeping back in... i dont know how he came up... i was just really bored and i wanted to check if his cell was working now... i guess so, huh... it wasnt the best of my ideas to get un-bored... it just made me uneasy and sad about him all over again... i really hate that...
i miss him... no doubt about that... i want to see him for a second and look into his eyes and see if a hint of me still lives in his heart... or has he closed it so tightly that no air can get in? was i ever in his heart? because he infiltrated every crevice of mine...
[[ random entree to learn from ]]
i've learned to love more freely and to give more space... because love is like sand at the palm of your hand... close it up too tightly and you lose a lot of it... i think thats a quote or a metaphor ive heard before... i can get used to this... he can miss me and i will learn to distance myself from such feelings... im learning the art of crying silent tears... im still unsure of the possible psychological or physical health risks that accompany such a new trade, but it doesnt matter... im tired of showing my feelings... im tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve- cuz its just going to get really dirty that way... i'll keep it away from the hands of the world even though i know theres an invisible chain that binds me to jungle boy... and his damn finger prints are all over my heart... its his- and he knows it...
looking back is horrible... its behind you for a reason... i think we shouldnt mess with the past... it brings back skeletons you really dont want to deal with... ugh! now i cant stop thinking of him... i always loved his voice... it was so soothing to me... i want to see him again! is that so wrong?! why am i having evil thoughts? me and kyle arent even having problems right now...
at the moment, my baby is actually injured... he got into a go-cart accident... he is all scratched up and he's all whiney and cute right now cuz "it hurts, baby"... it just made me remember the last time i saw jungle Guy... how he broke his ankle and i actually carried him to the kitchen cuz it hurt for him to walk... look at what i freaking did for that boy! i was so in love with him- its nuts! maybe i still am in some microscopic way... its difficult to just forget feelings like that... i thought i did when chuckie came along but really he was just a distraction... and avoiding things never solve anything... cuz they eventually come back to haunt you... why was i so in love with jungle boy? where did those overwhelming feelings of love erupt from?! i have never felt that way about anyone... it was so intense my heart could have an overload from it... its just so difficult trying to describe what i went through being with jungle boy... some of the happiest days of my pointless life... sometimes i wish i could go back... sometimes i wish i could have just stayed there...
but i see where i am now and im pretty happy... kyle is such a kick-ass boyfriend its not even funny... we do have fun together... he makes me smile and laugh... maybe its better not to compare things... it just lessens the experience and my appreciation of it... i need to stop thinking "im happy now but i know i was happier then" because its unfair... right now my memory is distorted and all i can think of are the good ol days... not that me and jungle boy ever really fought... just the last few times were hard because of the whole distance thing... then we broke up and that's when the bad memories started... he morphed into this mondo d*ck... the way i see it, it really hurt him to see me... he even admitted to me once that it was something he dreaded because he knew how he would feel again... now, i know he probably cant even imagine ever loving me... i wonder how he looks back at what we had... that is, if he even takes the time to look back... i doubt that too...
how is it that guys get over things just like that? its so easy for them to forget... why does distancing themselves from hurtful situations come as second nature to them? it must really be easy being a guy... i wish i could bump into him somewhere... yeah i know... there i go talking about seeing him again... i cant help it... its like i yearn for the sight of him... i need to stop this momentary obsession with my ex... its not healthy for my current relationship...
*sigh must sleep now
i just did a horrible thing right now... i kinda regressed in my "moving on from jungle boy" deal... ok dont slap me but i called him... i put my number on block and just called him... omg! when i heard his voice, all the memories flooded back to me... this overwhelming feeling of regret and loneliness is filling me...
dude i was so happy with him... i dont think i would have ever cheated on him... even if the finest man alive woulda asked for a kiss- i would have said no... i still remember all the lil things he used to do for me... the person he used to be to me... i havent seen him since (checking my archives) march 13 and i havent talked to him since march 17... how strange to have someone so important to you at one point be reduced to just a faint memory... does he ever think of me? does he ever regret losing someone like me? "you're great, babe" was a common phrase that escaped his lips... god! im reading what i had written before... i know i was really happy then... sheesh... just when i thought i erased him from my mind, his memory comes creeping back in... i dont know how he came up... i was just really bored and i wanted to check if his cell was working now... i guess so, huh... it wasnt the best of my ideas to get un-bored... it just made me uneasy and sad about him all over again... i really hate that...
i miss him... no doubt about that... i want to see him for a second and look into his eyes and see if a hint of me still lives in his heart... or has he closed it so tightly that no air can get in? was i ever in his heart? because he infiltrated every crevice of mine...
[[ random entree to learn from ]]
i've learned to love more freely and to give more space... because love is like sand at the palm of your hand... close it up too tightly and you lose a lot of it... i think thats a quote or a metaphor ive heard before... i can get used to this... he can miss me and i will learn to distance myself from such feelings... im learning the art of crying silent tears... im still unsure of the possible psychological or physical health risks that accompany such a new trade, but it doesnt matter... im tired of showing my feelings... im tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve- cuz its just going to get really dirty that way... i'll keep it away from the hands of the world even though i know theres an invisible chain that binds me to jungle boy... and his damn finger prints are all over my heart... its his- and he knows it...
looking back is horrible... its behind you for a reason... i think we shouldnt mess with the past... it brings back skeletons you really dont want to deal with... ugh! now i cant stop thinking of him... i always loved his voice... it was so soothing to me... i want to see him again! is that so wrong?! why am i having evil thoughts? me and kyle arent even having problems right now...
at the moment, my baby is actually injured... he got into a go-cart accident... he is all scratched up and he's all whiney and cute right now cuz "it hurts, baby"... it just made me remember the last time i saw jungle Guy... how he broke his ankle and i actually carried him to the kitchen cuz it hurt for him to walk... look at what i freaking did for that boy! i was so in love with him- its nuts! maybe i still am in some microscopic way... its difficult to just forget feelings like that... i thought i did when chuckie came along but really he was just a distraction... and avoiding things never solve anything... cuz they eventually come back to haunt you... why was i so in love with jungle boy? where did those overwhelming feelings of love erupt from?! i have never felt that way about anyone... it was so intense my heart could have an overload from it... its just so difficult trying to describe what i went through being with jungle boy... some of the happiest days of my pointless life... sometimes i wish i could go back... sometimes i wish i could have just stayed there...
but i see where i am now and im pretty happy... kyle is such a kick-ass boyfriend its not even funny... we do have fun together... he makes me smile and laugh... maybe its better not to compare things... it just lessens the experience and my appreciation of it... i need to stop thinking "im happy now but i know i was happier then" because its unfair... right now my memory is distorted and all i can think of are the good ol days... not that me and jungle boy ever really fought... just the last few times were hard because of the whole distance thing... then we broke up and that's when the bad memories started... he morphed into this mondo d*ck... the way i see it, it really hurt him to see me... he even admitted to me once that it was something he dreaded because he knew how he would feel again... now, i know he probably cant even imagine ever loving me... i wonder how he looks back at what we had... that is, if he even takes the time to look back... i doubt that too...
how is it that guys get over things just like that? its so easy for them to forget... why does distancing themselves from hurtful situations come as second nature to them? it must really be easy being a guy... i wish i could bump into him somewhere... yeah i know... there i go talking about seeing him again... i cant help it... its like i yearn for the sight of him... i need to stop this momentary obsession with my ex... its not healthy for my current relationship...
*sigh must sleep now
this heart of mine was broken at 12:25:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, May 08, 2003
Dear heart,
the poison from my heart is slowly spreading throughout my whole body... the rich feeling of being alive is surging through every cell in me... and who is to blame? kyle! dude, its so disgusting how im falling head over heels in love with this guy... im just so happy- it scares me sometimes...
damn i must make this quick! i miss pina colada... but she wants to be left alone... that makes me sad... =(
You are burning
What Self-Mutilation Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
the poison from my heart is slowly spreading throughout my whole body... the rich feeling of being alive is surging through every cell in me... and who is to blame? kyle! dude, its so disgusting how im falling head over heels in love with this guy... im just so happy- it scares me sometimes...
damn i must make this quick! i miss pina colada... but she wants to be left alone... that makes me sad... =(
You are burning
What Self-Mutilation Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
this heart of mine was broken at 11:18:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
Dear heart,
its must be really hard to be in a relationship with me... i must be kept happy all the time... that is the only key to success in my relationships... cuz when im not happy, neither are they... if a guy is good to me, i am seriously the best girlfriend... im loyal, energetic, loving, giving, affectionate, cheerful... basically he can have his way with me... then he pisses me off, thats when you worry... every boy should count themselves lucky not to be my bf when im not happy in a relationship... im not a straight-shooter when it comes to revenge or malice... im not the type of person who'll walk up to you and just stab you... im the kind who visits you every night and slips poison into the milk you drink before bed... im what you call a backdoor murderer... i dispise confrontations... so i resort to schemes that dont involve interaction... its the worst way to hurt someone... if anything, id pay someone to kill my husband for me...
when i get hurt, i want the other person to hurt too... when im sad, i want to do bad things behind their backs even though i'd never tell them because... well, i really dont know why i do it... my mentality is a twisted one: "you make me mad so im gonna do something that could make you mad. if you piss me off again and we break up, i can rub it in your damn face." and the thing i am most refering to is infidelity.... *gasp some good hearted people wont even think twice about that subject... its just a flat out "NO!" like my pina colada who unfortunately would never cheat on her bf with absolutely anyone... its just way against her morals... but then there are evil b*tches like me who'd do it at a drop of a hat... i am so selfish and paranoid that it comes easy for someone like me... first of all, i hate the feeling that i might be missing out on something better... or im holding myself back when i dont have to... you only live once, right? then the paranoia comes in where im scared being faithful shows weakness... i guess after the whole bryan thing, not cheating is the pathetic way to live cuz they're cheating on you too anyway... its not an excuse really, just one of my many reasons as to why i do it... cheating is such a bad habit... that sh*t happens every day because people have a way of justifying everything that they do... and that sickens me... people need to have a better conscience... especially me...
the reason why i mentioned this is chuckie called me this morning... it was quite unexpected, but then again arent all his calls out of nowhere? its like he disappears and then he just pops in and acts like he's gonna stick around... he makes all these plans with you but never calls you the next day to actually execute it... anyway, at the same time kyle made me mad today... he was supposed to go out with me... even though i really had nowhere to go i was upset that he wanted to wait for his friend to come home... yeah, i know im a spoiled brat... but i started acting up like i always do... he was already grumpy cuz he has all these tickets to pay off this month or they will turn into warrants... then he still needs to get his car back and get his phone too... two things that ive been pushing him to get already... but he cant get his phone back till he pays his $300 phone bill all cuz of me... so basically he's having a lot of pressure right now and im not really helping... i think he finally decided to go somewhere with me but leaves a note on his friends car... then chuckie calls so kyle gets mad and changes his mind... so i sped off and leave him... but as always, i come back and i saw that the note he left was gone... then he sees me and talks to me a bit and asks "can you just let me go?" so im like "fine. whatev" and go away... he tries to be all nice and kissy kissy when we part, but i am so mad i coulda ripped his lips off his f*cking face... as i drove away, i called chuckie...
this is why i hate me... i get mad- the first option to calm me down is to talk/hang out with the one person he'd hate for me to be with... or do something he doesnt want me doing just so i can feel satisfied that in some way im pissing him off too even though he doesnt know it... i really need to stop being so damn vindictive... i can be so evil... see, when me and kyle are happy- every other boy in this world is annoying and not worth my time... i dont see the point in talking to them or hanging out with them... but then we fight and it seems that every boy is so sweet and nice to me- unlike him... makes me want to be near them... i really have some frustration issues that i must seek help for... how do i stop my stupid mentality from telling myself cheating is ok? cuz i KNOW its not... hearing about it just makes me so angry cuz i find it SO wrong... i can lecture all day and night about the pain of it and how its so stupid to do... but hypocriticaly, i am a cheater... i dont know how to change my ways... but then i know i must for kyle because he is such a great guy... i care about him a whole lot and i dont want an insignificant boy to break whatever great thing we have right now...
this would normally not come from my mouth but- i could see myself with him! i could see our beautiful child as we take care of lil kyle together... and what our wedding day would be like- the flowers, my gown, the rings, our faces when we say "i do"... i can imagine waking up to him every morning and just being excited because its another day with the man i love... ugh! i know they are naiive thoughts... especially since ive known him a little less than 2 months... but he's really the type of guy i could spend my whole life with... and i dont want to f*ck that up... not for some stupid whim, not for some pride thing that "he cant cheat on me first", and definitely not for some cute face who'd never amount to the great guy kyle is... i just need the strength to say no to temptation...
the thing i notice that arouses my wrath is absence... i hate having to miss him... that's why every sunday night/monday morning when we're on the phone- we're always fighting or at least have me acting all b*tchy... cuz i hate being away from him... and sunday is the only day of the week that we're apart... i cant stand it and it makes me frustrated... is it so bad to want to always be around him? f*ck space! its funny cuz in the beginning it used to bug the sh*t outta me when he smothered me by calling all the damn time... now his cell is gone and he cant really use the phone in his grandma's house a lot makes his calls less... and it makes me crave it- his calls, his voice... its hard for me to be alone... i hate it... its one of my ultimate fears of life... i want a guy who'll always be there for me and i already told him if he cant do that for me, then we have a problem... i know he's trying and i love him for that... yeah, i love him... and not for just that... *sigh
its must be really hard to be in a relationship with me... i must be kept happy all the time... that is the only key to success in my relationships... cuz when im not happy, neither are they... if a guy is good to me, i am seriously the best girlfriend... im loyal, energetic, loving, giving, affectionate, cheerful... basically he can have his way with me... then he pisses me off, thats when you worry... every boy should count themselves lucky not to be my bf when im not happy in a relationship... im not a straight-shooter when it comes to revenge or malice... im not the type of person who'll walk up to you and just stab you... im the kind who visits you every night and slips poison into the milk you drink before bed... im what you call a backdoor murderer... i dispise confrontations... so i resort to schemes that dont involve interaction... its the worst way to hurt someone... if anything, id pay someone to kill my husband for me...
when i get hurt, i want the other person to hurt too... when im sad, i want to do bad things behind their backs even though i'd never tell them because... well, i really dont know why i do it... my mentality is a twisted one: "you make me mad so im gonna do something that could make you mad. if you piss me off again and we break up, i can rub it in your damn face." and the thing i am most refering to is infidelity.... *gasp some good hearted people wont even think twice about that subject... its just a flat out "NO!" like my pina colada who unfortunately would never cheat on her bf with absolutely anyone... its just way against her morals... but then there are evil b*tches like me who'd do it at a drop of a hat... i am so selfish and paranoid that it comes easy for someone like me... first of all, i hate the feeling that i might be missing out on something better... or im holding myself back when i dont have to... you only live once, right? then the paranoia comes in where im scared being faithful shows weakness... i guess after the whole bryan thing, not cheating is the pathetic way to live cuz they're cheating on you too anyway... its not an excuse really, just one of my many reasons as to why i do it... cheating is such a bad habit... that sh*t happens every day because people have a way of justifying everything that they do... and that sickens me... people need to have a better conscience... especially me...
the reason why i mentioned this is chuckie called me this morning... it was quite unexpected, but then again arent all his calls out of nowhere? its like he disappears and then he just pops in and acts like he's gonna stick around... he makes all these plans with you but never calls you the next day to actually execute it... anyway, at the same time kyle made me mad today... he was supposed to go out with me... even though i really had nowhere to go i was upset that he wanted to wait for his friend to come home... yeah, i know im a spoiled brat... but i started acting up like i always do... he was already grumpy cuz he has all these tickets to pay off this month or they will turn into warrants... then he still needs to get his car back and get his phone too... two things that ive been pushing him to get already... but he cant get his phone back till he pays his $300 phone bill all cuz of me... so basically he's having a lot of pressure right now and im not really helping... i think he finally decided to go somewhere with me but leaves a note on his friends car... then chuckie calls so kyle gets mad and changes his mind... so i sped off and leave him... but as always, i come back and i saw that the note he left was gone... then he sees me and talks to me a bit and asks "can you just let me go?" so im like "fine. whatev" and go away... he tries to be all nice and kissy kissy when we part, but i am so mad i coulda ripped his lips off his f*cking face... as i drove away, i called chuckie...
this is why i hate me... i get mad- the first option to calm me down is to talk/hang out with the one person he'd hate for me to be with... or do something he doesnt want me doing just so i can feel satisfied that in some way im pissing him off too even though he doesnt know it... i really need to stop being so damn vindictive... i can be so evil... see, when me and kyle are happy- every other boy in this world is annoying and not worth my time... i dont see the point in talking to them or hanging out with them... but then we fight and it seems that every boy is so sweet and nice to me- unlike him... makes me want to be near them... i really have some frustration issues that i must seek help for... how do i stop my stupid mentality from telling myself cheating is ok? cuz i KNOW its not... hearing about it just makes me so angry cuz i find it SO wrong... i can lecture all day and night about the pain of it and how its so stupid to do... but hypocriticaly, i am a cheater... i dont know how to change my ways... but then i know i must for kyle because he is such a great guy... i care about him a whole lot and i dont want an insignificant boy to break whatever great thing we have right now...
this would normally not come from my mouth but- i could see myself with him! i could see our beautiful child as we take care of lil kyle together... and what our wedding day would be like- the flowers, my gown, the rings, our faces when we say "i do"... i can imagine waking up to him every morning and just being excited because its another day with the man i love... ugh! i know they are naiive thoughts... especially since ive known him a little less than 2 months... but he's really the type of guy i could spend my whole life with... and i dont want to f*ck that up... not for some stupid whim, not for some pride thing that "he cant cheat on me first", and definitely not for some cute face who'd never amount to the great guy kyle is... i just need the strength to say no to temptation...
the thing i notice that arouses my wrath is absence... i hate having to miss him... that's why every sunday night/monday morning when we're on the phone- we're always fighting or at least have me acting all b*tchy... cuz i hate being away from him... and sunday is the only day of the week that we're apart... i cant stand it and it makes me frustrated... is it so bad to want to always be around him? f*ck space! its funny cuz in the beginning it used to bug the sh*t outta me when he smothered me by calling all the damn time... now his cell is gone and he cant really use the phone in his grandma's house a lot makes his calls less... and it makes me crave it- his calls, his voice... its hard for me to be alone... i hate it... its one of my ultimate fears of life... i want a guy who'll always be there for me and i already told him if he cant do that for me, then we have a problem... i know he's trying and i love him for that... yeah, i love him... and not for just that... *sigh
this heart of mine was broken at 10:37:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
boredom at work made me and my friend maria play dress-up yesterday... i put make up on her and she braided my hair... random pics... i cant really write much... im late for school...
i got me a new bandana... dont i feel "ghetto".... (right, tina? heehee)
im a gangsta chick... heehee... dont tell!
what about this contraption? a jLo hat...
rawr! i feel sexay... haha jp
free enneagram test
boredom at work made me and my friend maria play dress-up yesterday... i put make up on her and she braided my hair... random pics... i cant really write much... im late for school...
i got me a new bandana... dont i feel "ghetto".... (right, tina? heehee)
im a gangsta chick... heehee... dont tell!
what about this contraption? a jLo hat...
rawr! i feel sexay... haha jp
free enneagram test
this heart of mine was broken at 9:04:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, May 04, 2003
Dear heart,
i am SO sick its not even funny... well not exactly fever sick but i have a pretty bad cold... ive been watching the road rules/real world battle of the sexes on MTV all day and have used about 98234792 tissues for my nose... i cant taste anything and i wish i could just smell something- anything! even my disgusting stench from not showering today! but my only means of joy are when i sneeze.. o joyous sneeze... you allow me to breathe for that .00065 second... all the congested snot in my olfactory glands are being released and im allowed to experience the sweet air that ive come to take for granted...i have taken so many cough drops that havent worked at all... i think that second when i blow my nose or sneeze and i could taste/smell something- its just the cough drops... i cant even taste its lemony goodness... just the few seconds of momentary relief when i bite into it because i want fast results...
i wish kyle would call me... i think he's the ticket to recovery... maybe this whole thing is love sickness... or maybe i just caught an ugly cold... i need my rest... muah to ya'll...
i am SO sick its not even funny... well not exactly fever sick but i have a pretty bad cold... ive been watching the road rules/real world battle of the sexes on MTV all day and have used about 98234792 tissues for my nose... i cant taste anything and i wish i could just smell something- anything! even my disgusting stench from not showering today! but my only means of joy are when i sneeze.. o joyous sneeze... you allow me to breathe for that .00065 second... all the congested snot in my olfactory glands are being released and im allowed to experience the sweet air that ive come to take for granted...i have taken so many cough drops that havent worked at all... i think that second when i blow my nose or sneeze and i could taste/smell something- its just the cough drops... i cant even taste its lemony goodness... just the few seconds of momentary relief when i bite into it because i want fast results...
i wish kyle would call me... i think he's the ticket to recovery... maybe this whole thing is love sickness... or maybe i just caught an ugly cold... i need my rest... muah to ya'll...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:58:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i just remembered how much i loathed sundays... not only do i not get to see my boyfriend, i basically stay home and do nothing all day but do the laundry... i mean seriously a TOTAL waste of a day... the worst part is all i can do is sulk and wander aimlessly around the house whilst kyle is at a DUB car show... whatever that is...
ive become so pathetic and ive come to the realization that im slowly falling in love with him... yes, again... ya think i would learn from all the sh*t ive been through... i should know better by now... but i dont and this random boy has really gotten to me... i thought i had it made in the beginning because i never thought this boy would have me... i was mastering the art of unattachment... to like enough but not to love... i really hate this feeling- you dont even know... its like this overwhelming feeling of surrender and it freaks me out... this isnt supposed to happen... i was doing so well with my being single and all... i didnt need a boyfriend right now... he just kinda showed up and laid it out for me... then like some sneaky robber, he stole my heart away... just like that... i didnt even know how it happened just that it did... and this is totally threatening to my emotional stability...
see when a guy gets to me- they have power over me... its like they unknowingly control everything i do... basically my heart is in their hands and i do whatever it is my heart tells me... thats the way i was made and that is what is slowly destroying me... but whoever holds my heart holds the key... i wish i could say that no one can hold it anymore because its mine... it belongs in my hand where i am the master of its actions... but i cant because that would be a lie... someone has taken it from me yet again... and they didnt hafto steal it or rip it out from my chest... i gave it to him... to kyle... because i trust him... i see something in him that i tried to ignore at first... and now i could see what he saw in us... the countless times he stuck around even after hearing all my guy adventures while we were going out... he let me have my space, my fun, my freedom... and still had the confidence to know i would end up with him... i know he wanted to just let me go countless of times... but he didnt... he stuck around and thats something most guys in my life didnt...
right now the scariest thing for me is to be proven wrong by him... for him to be just like every other *sshole ive met... he has my heart right now and its up to him to either take care of it or smash it up even worse... im like shivering with fear right now... i dont even want to think about it... im trying to keep an open mind and heart... for him... for us... and im REALLY crossing my fingers that this wont end up being another bullsh*t relationship... that this will end up as something great... or maybe yet, not end at all... i just have so many hopes in this relationship... but experience has taught me to avoid hope because it only makes you feel stupid in the end if it doesnt turn out like you planned... so im very torn right now... to love or not to love... yes that really IS my damn question, is it?
i had absolutely no contact with pina colada today... she musta been busy and im scared to call her because her bf might be there... i just realized how nervous i get when im on the phone with her... i hope she doesnt notice it... its usually so easy for me to talk to people... its hard enough to talk to a guy you like but what about a girl? how are you supposed to go about talking about things? do i seem too eager? did i just say something stupid? am i making her upset at all? am i annoying her now?! hehe all these negative thoughts run through my mind the whole time and i think THAT is the source of my idioticness... argh...
i was just on the phone with mei and its been brought to my attention how my mentality has changed these past few weeks... every since travis left, i realized something... my heart and eyes finally opened and suddenly saw kyle... i went from "let's party next weekend! girls night out! break guys hearts cuz they deserve it! just have fun and say NO to relationships... its almost as bad as drugs and alcohol!" to "i miss kyle... where is he? you know what he did? he is sooooo sweet..." its come to kyle this and kyle that... god! can you say "boring"? ive totally lost it for this boy... i finally understand his frustration when trying to explain how perfect we were together... i used to think he was nuts... but now we both are and thats ok with me... i love this feeling and hate it at the same time... being in love sucks because its the best thing in the world!
You are a seductress! You use your beautiful body
and hypnotizing eyes to reel in your prey, and
go in for the kill after they have fallen in
love with you. It is truely a fatal attraction
that kills them. Perhaps, you sometimes fall in
love yourself. Behold the power of woman!
What Kind Of Evil Bitch Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Hopelessly Romantic Geezer Named Alfred
What's Your Personality Type?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're the loving smile,the one that is entirely
devoted to others,especially that one
person.You really can't get them out of your
head,but then,you don't really want to.
What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
i just remembered how much i loathed sundays... not only do i not get to see my boyfriend, i basically stay home and do nothing all day but do the laundry... i mean seriously a TOTAL waste of a day... the worst part is all i can do is sulk and wander aimlessly around the house whilst kyle is at a DUB car show... whatever that is...
ive become so pathetic and ive come to the realization that im slowly falling in love with him... yes, again... ya think i would learn from all the sh*t ive been through... i should know better by now... but i dont and this random boy has really gotten to me... i thought i had it made in the beginning because i never thought this boy would have me... i was mastering the art of unattachment... to like enough but not to love... i really hate this feeling- you dont even know... its like this overwhelming feeling of surrender and it freaks me out... this isnt supposed to happen... i was doing so well with my being single and all... i didnt need a boyfriend right now... he just kinda showed up and laid it out for me... then like some sneaky robber, he stole my heart away... just like that... i didnt even know how it happened just that it did... and this is totally threatening to my emotional stability...
see when a guy gets to me- they have power over me... its like they unknowingly control everything i do... basically my heart is in their hands and i do whatever it is my heart tells me... thats the way i was made and that is what is slowly destroying me... but whoever holds my heart holds the key... i wish i could say that no one can hold it anymore because its mine... it belongs in my hand where i am the master of its actions... but i cant because that would be a lie... someone has taken it from me yet again... and they didnt hafto steal it or rip it out from my chest... i gave it to him... to kyle... because i trust him... i see something in him that i tried to ignore at first... and now i could see what he saw in us... the countless times he stuck around even after hearing all my guy adventures while we were going out... he let me have my space, my fun, my freedom... and still had the confidence to know i would end up with him... i know he wanted to just let me go countless of times... but he didnt... he stuck around and thats something most guys in my life didnt...
right now the scariest thing for me is to be proven wrong by him... for him to be just like every other *sshole ive met... he has my heart right now and its up to him to either take care of it or smash it up even worse... im like shivering with fear right now... i dont even want to think about it... im trying to keep an open mind and heart... for him... for us... and im REALLY crossing my fingers that this wont end up being another bullsh*t relationship... that this will end up as something great... or maybe yet, not end at all... i just have so many hopes in this relationship... but experience has taught me to avoid hope because it only makes you feel stupid in the end if it doesnt turn out like you planned... so im very torn right now... to love or not to love... yes that really IS my damn question, is it?
i had absolutely no contact with pina colada today... she musta been busy and im scared to call her because her bf might be there... i just realized how nervous i get when im on the phone with her... i hope she doesnt notice it... its usually so easy for me to talk to people... its hard enough to talk to a guy you like but what about a girl? how are you supposed to go about talking about things? do i seem too eager? did i just say something stupid? am i making her upset at all? am i annoying her now?! hehe all these negative thoughts run through my mind the whole time and i think THAT is the source of my idioticness... argh...
i was just on the phone with mei and its been brought to my attention how my mentality has changed these past few weeks... every since travis left, i realized something... my heart and eyes finally opened and suddenly saw kyle... i went from "let's party next weekend! girls night out! break guys hearts cuz they deserve it! just have fun and say NO to relationships... its almost as bad as drugs and alcohol!" to "i miss kyle... where is he? you know what he did? he is sooooo sweet..." its come to kyle this and kyle that... god! can you say "boring"? ive totally lost it for this boy... i finally understand his frustration when trying to explain how perfect we were together... i used to think he was nuts... but now we both are and thats ok with me... i love this feeling and hate it at the same time... being in love sucks because its the best thing in the world!
You are a seductress! You use your beautiful body
and hypnotizing eyes to reel in your prey, and
go in for the kill after they have fallen in
love with you. It is truely a fatal attraction
that kills them. Perhaps, you sometimes fall in
love yourself. Behold the power of woman!
What Kind Of Evil Bitch Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Hopelessly Romantic Geezer Named Alfred
What's Your Personality Type?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're the loving smile,the one that is entirely
devoted to others,especially that one
person.You really can't get them out of your
head,but then,you don't really want to.
What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
this heart of mine was broken at 5:14:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart