Sunday, March 30, 2003
Dear heart,
we went to take pics yesterday... of course i came out really ugly... i should have known, especially the way i was feeling yesterday... the picture place was all the way in west covina and there was a navy and marines recruiting center right next door... it was suprising when 3 or 4 vans filled with yummy ummy guys came out... one girl was there too but she seemed really manly... i thought about joining the army again... yeah, for all the wrong reasons... when the sergeants started hitting on us, i had the guts to inquire about it even though my friends woulda thought i was crazy... the good thing about is that you dont hafto cut your hair like i thought... they even show you how to put up your hair in stylish ways... then physical benefits came up too... seriously, i'd be buff as hell after that training... i might even be considered attractive compared to the "butch lesbos and manly he-women" there... i just wanna line up with sexy guys in uniform... haha
the day woulda went all good if i didnt end up losing all my make-up... you know how dependant i am on that thing... i was sad as f*ck the whole day... thats tons of money that i don't have but need to spend again... it really got on my nerves... but we ended up going to that club anyway... it was actually fun dancing... no one really attractive... i actually got home really late cuz we ate at denny's right after the club... i wasnt really feeling the whole eating thing... so i kept giving parts of my food away... the host was really cute and he kept smiling at me... i ended up getting his number by the end of the night... im not sure i wanna call yet...
so i went home with my whole body aching wanting to write on this... but the moment i touched my bed, i just passed out... even though i was sore and tired, it just came to my attention how utterly lonely i was... no one to think of that night... no one to say good night to... and no one was thinking of me either... what a sad thought... and it made me wonder if i've ever really felt love... if any of my relationships could really be considered "love"... most of the time you just like the person a lot and get to know everything about them... im still unsure as to what the hell "love" means anymore... the word seems quite misused nowadays...
i went to santa barbara with my family today and i guess that answered my question... yes, i am loved... i just realized that no matter who i was or what i did, these people would always be there for me and care about me... especially my mom... goddam im so lucky to have her... she's like the best mom and best friend anyone could ever have... sometimes i forget to be thankful for the people i have in my life...
we went to take pics yesterday... of course i came out really ugly... i should have known, especially the way i was feeling yesterday... the picture place was all the way in west covina and there was a navy and marines recruiting center right next door... it was suprising when 3 or 4 vans filled with yummy ummy guys came out... one girl was there too but she seemed really manly... i thought about joining the army again... yeah, for all the wrong reasons... when the sergeants started hitting on us, i had the guts to inquire about it even though my friends woulda thought i was crazy... the good thing about is that you dont hafto cut your hair like i thought... they even show you how to put up your hair in stylish ways... then physical benefits came up too... seriously, i'd be buff as hell after that training... i might even be considered attractive compared to the "butch lesbos and manly he-women" there... i just wanna line up with sexy guys in uniform... haha
the day woulda went all good if i didnt end up losing all my make-up... you know how dependant i am on that thing... i was sad as f*ck the whole day... thats tons of money that i don't have but need to spend again... it really got on my nerves... but we ended up going to that club anyway... it was actually fun dancing... no one really attractive... i actually got home really late cuz we ate at denny's right after the club... i wasnt really feeling the whole eating thing... so i kept giving parts of my food away... the host was really cute and he kept smiling at me... i ended up getting his number by the end of the night... im not sure i wanna call yet...
so i went home with my whole body aching wanting to write on this... but the moment i touched my bed, i just passed out... even though i was sore and tired, it just came to my attention how utterly lonely i was... no one to think of that night... no one to say good night to... and no one was thinking of me either... what a sad thought... and it made me wonder if i've ever really felt love... if any of my relationships could really be considered "love"... most of the time you just like the person a lot and get to know everything about them... im still unsure as to what the hell "love" means anymore... the word seems quite misused nowadays...
i went to santa barbara with my family today and i guess that answered my question... yes, i am loved... i just realized that no matter who i was or what i did, these people would always be there for me and care about me... especially my mom... goddam im so lucky to have her... she's like the best mom and best friend anyone could ever have... sometimes i forget to be thankful for the people i have in my life...
this heart of mine was broken at 7:18:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, March 29, 2003
Dear heart,
just finished having a girls night out with tina and may... i had lunch with bryan today before that... then we went to the mall and bought a lot of clothes... like im disgustingly poor and i had the nerve to buy myself 5 shirts, plus one that tina bought me... they are all f*cking cute tho... im like almost ready for summer with the sh*t im buying...
we ended up at the block and you know a lot of guys always try to "holla" at you... its funny just ignoring those horny bastards... we all agreed that we like the attention anyway... we watched "boat trip" and found it was good for a romantic comedy... then they let me loose at the powerhouse... i had fun with the LA machine guns game... its funny cuz guys just start talking to me while i play... and all they do is distract me with their useless banter... so i get hit with a missile and get pissed... but i guess it gets a lot of attention for a girl to play arcades so vigorously... i noticed guys are magnetized to tomboy figures... heehee i love having an audience when im kicking *ss at a game...
anyway, we talk to some guys there but they were asian so i paid no heed... you know im not really attracted to that type... yeah, im asian... well, not really... the philippines is not part of the central asian continent... im considered filipino, so there... i just dont find them attractive, thas all... its just my opinion... we get mcdonalds and we take forever to order... we're still so awake and bumping my music all loud, though im warily looking for cops... we park at taco bell and eat our food there... while taking may home we see two guys trying to jump their cars... one of them was cute so we stopped and talked to them... guess we were in a crazy mood... i have that effect on people, haha! i influence people easily and its funny seeing myself in them... the heartless, cant tie down attitude that i try to radiate... the hyper, no-shame attitude that i put forth... i see it in them and im proud... this black hair is really doing a number on my personality and attitude... i like it... no- i take that back... i f*cking LOVE it! so we all go home with a guy to f*ck with (note: not "f*ck around with", "fuck with" means with play with their minds and have someone to talk to when it gets too boring)
so we had fun... we're taking pictures tomorrow and going clubbing for jophiel's birthday... yay! i cant wait... so much girl power this weekend... it's so weird... i didnt even have a real date planned... and bryan doesnt count cuz he's an ex bf turned to really good friend that i cant see any other way... dating isnt essential tho... keeping life exciting is... with no guy in my life, i can make my life as exciting as it allows me... watch out, world... joanne's gonna live her life... heehee
[[ the irony in test results ]]
What's YOUR sexual fetish?
just finished having a girls night out with tina and may... i had lunch with bryan today before that... then we went to the mall and bought a lot of clothes... like im disgustingly poor and i had the nerve to buy myself 5 shirts, plus one that tina bought me... they are all f*cking cute tho... im like almost ready for summer with the sh*t im buying...
we ended up at the block and you know a lot of guys always try to "holla" at you... its funny just ignoring those horny bastards... we all agreed that we like the attention anyway... we watched "boat trip" and found it was good for a romantic comedy... then they let me loose at the powerhouse... i had fun with the LA machine guns game... its funny cuz guys just start talking to me while i play... and all they do is distract me with their useless banter... so i get hit with a missile and get pissed... but i guess it gets a lot of attention for a girl to play arcades so vigorously... i noticed guys are magnetized to tomboy figures... heehee i love having an audience when im kicking *ss at a game...
anyway, we talk to some guys there but they were asian so i paid no heed... you know im not really attracted to that type... yeah, im asian... well, not really... the philippines is not part of the central asian continent... im considered filipino, so there... i just dont find them attractive, thas all... its just my opinion... we get mcdonalds and we take forever to order... we're still so awake and bumping my music all loud, though im warily looking for cops... we park at taco bell and eat our food there... while taking may home we see two guys trying to jump their cars... one of them was cute so we stopped and talked to them... guess we were in a crazy mood... i have that effect on people, haha! i influence people easily and its funny seeing myself in them... the heartless, cant tie down attitude that i try to radiate... the hyper, no-shame attitude that i put forth... i see it in them and im proud... this black hair is really doing a number on my personality and attitude... i like it... no- i take that back... i f*cking LOVE it! so we all go home with a guy to f*ck with (note: not "f*ck around with", "fuck with" means with play with their minds and have someone to talk to when it gets too boring)
so we had fun... we're taking pictures tomorrow and going clubbing for jophiel's birthday... yay! i cant wait... so much girl power this weekend... it's so weird... i didnt even have a real date planned... and bryan doesnt count cuz he's an ex bf turned to really good friend that i cant see any other way... dating isnt essential tho... keeping life exciting is... with no guy in my life, i can make my life as exciting as it allows me... watch out, world... joanne's gonna live her life... heehee
[[ the irony in test results ]]
What's YOUR sexual fetish?
this heart of mine was broken at 1:20:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, March 28, 2003
Dear heart,
im kinda over everything right now... like nothing really matters... im not really sure if thats a good thing or bad thing... im just taking things as they come... ive transformed myself yet again... i dyed my hair "blue black" but the hints of red in it make me suspicious... basically the hair color gives me strength and makes me feel evil, in a good sorta way of course... hehe...
so this marks the era of the "b*tch's" reign... im leaving goody goody joanne behind and locking her up... she just f*cks things up for me and i wont let her do that anymore... ima let the "new jojo" take over... i wanna see what havoc she can wreack on the world... teeheehee, arent you excited? i sure am...
a pose for danny and his fetish for long black hair in my face...
(girl from the ring?)
im kinda over everything right now... like nothing really matters... im not really sure if thats a good thing or bad thing... im just taking things as they come... ive transformed myself yet again... i dyed my hair "blue black" but the hints of red in it make me suspicious... basically the hair color gives me strength and makes me feel evil, in a good sorta way of course... hehe...
so this marks the era of the "b*tch's" reign... im leaving goody goody joanne behind and locking her up... she just f*cks things up for me and i wont let her do that anymore... ima let the "new jojo" take over... i wanna see what havoc she can wreack on the world... teeheehee, arent you excited? i sure am...
a pose for danny and his fetish for long black hair in my face...
(girl from the ring?)
this heart of mine was broken at 12:25:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
Dear heart,
i suppose you wonder where this confusion is eminating from... well, i dont know if you know but i was never given chuckie's last name... so i panicked, thinking if anything happened to him- i would never know... so i devised this fool-proof scheme to call his cell phone (which he told me he left at home) and pretend we were cal state long beach verifying his last name and address... we had all the loopholes covered... nothing could go wrong! until the unexpected happened... he answered the phone... ok this is where it goes twilight zone for me... at first i was in disbelief, thinking "that doesnt sound like him"... that voice is so cold, uncheerful... chuckie is nothing near that... then he goes on to tell me he doesnt even go to that school...
so this twilight zone has a flushing toilet effect... everything is just going down the drain... everything i thought was true was bullsh*t... and you know me, the one thing i hate most is lying... its like my most extreme pet peeve... i didnt know what to think... what was going on? he SAID he went to kuwait... i cried worrying about his lying *ss...so i eventually call again but as myself... he said he figured it was me being "cal state long beach" since im the only one who he told that to... great! he started everything with a lie! typical! just f*cking typical! then he starts explaining... and im not sure whats true or not anymore... he tells me he is supposed to go to kuwait but they are on standby and must stay at some hotel until they are called... he got his mom to bring him his cell phone and some clothes while he is there... hence, him answering his cell phone... the whole long beach thing "just worked at the time"... so im not sure what the hell to believe... all that fun was just crap? i mean, i dont even see the necessity of lying to me... is he even really in the military? someone please tell me something i can believe... all these newly discovered truths are betraying every memory i ever shared with that guy!
i guess i dont have a very good "bullsh*t detector" as someone once put it... im so f*cking easy to f*ck over... seriously... i think i have this radar that picks up on *ssholes that are only full of sh*t... <- hehe... nice metaphor... i dont even want to tell some of my friends... yeah, i told tina of course... she's my best friend and she was there when we caught all the lies... but anyone else, i know im just going to hear the same ol lecture on how i trust too easily, that i shouldnt be so quick to judge good-looking guys, that i get what i deserve... dude, f*ck all of you! it hurts and if u were in my place, you'd understand that all the sh*t you're saying is just digging the knife even deeper... i dont need this... one day im just gonna take a real knife and jab it in for all of you... is that what you want? you LIKE seeing me in all this misery, dont you? because then your life doesnt seem so f*cking bad compared to mine... you feel good about yourself because you dont hafto go thru the sh*t im going thru... you dont have to cry these all-too-familiar tears... sometimes im not even sure why i cry anymore... most of the time i forget my reasons... i guess i cry any uncried tears from when i try to be strong... i guess the good thing is: i dont cry as much... i physically cant anymore... i think my tear reserves are running out... im sure with the way things are going and all the useless drama bullsh*t that ive experienced so far, im going to end up a cold heartless b*tch by the end of the year... what do you think?
i suppose you wonder where this confusion is eminating from... well, i dont know if you know but i was never given chuckie's last name... so i panicked, thinking if anything happened to him- i would never know... so i devised this fool-proof scheme to call his cell phone (which he told me he left at home) and pretend we were cal state long beach verifying his last name and address... we had all the loopholes covered... nothing could go wrong! until the unexpected happened... he answered the phone... ok this is where it goes twilight zone for me... at first i was in disbelief, thinking "that doesnt sound like him"... that voice is so cold, uncheerful... chuckie is nothing near that... then he goes on to tell me he doesnt even go to that school...
so this twilight zone has a flushing toilet effect... everything is just going down the drain... everything i thought was true was bullsh*t... and you know me, the one thing i hate most is lying... its like my most extreme pet peeve... i didnt know what to think... what was going on? he SAID he went to kuwait... i cried worrying about his lying *ss...so i eventually call again but as myself... he said he figured it was me being "cal state long beach" since im the only one who he told that to... great! he started everything with a lie! typical! just f*cking typical! then he starts explaining... and im not sure whats true or not anymore... he tells me he is supposed to go to kuwait but they are on standby and must stay at some hotel until they are called... he got his mom to bring him his cell phone and some clothes while he is there... hence, him answering his cell phone... the whole long beach thing "just worked at the time"... so im not sure what the hell to believe... all that fun was just crap? i mean, i dont even see the necessity of lying to me... is he even really in the military? someone please tell me something i can believe... all these newly discovered truths are betraying every memory i ever shared with that guy!
i guess i dont have a very good "bullsh*t detector" as someone once put it... im so f*cking easy to f*ck over... seriously... i think i have this radar that picks up on *ssholes that are only full of sh*t... <- hehe... nice metaphor... i dont even want to tell some of my friends... yeah, i told tina of course... she's my best friend and she was there when we caught all the lies... but anyone else, i know im just going to hear the same ol lecture on how i trust too easily, that i shouldnt be so quick to judge good-looking guys, that i get what i deserve... dude, f*ck all of you! it hurts and if u were in my place, you'd understand that all the sh*t you're saying is just digging the knife even deeper... i dont need this... one day im just gonna take a real knife and jab it in for all of you... is that what you want? you LIKE seeing me in all this misery, dont you? because then your life doesnt seem so f*cking bad compared to mine... you feel good about yourself because you dont hafto go thru the sh*t im going thru... you dont have to cry these all-too-familiar tears... sometimes im not even sure why i cry anymore... most of the time i forget my reasons... i guess i cry any uncried tears from when i try to be strong... i guess the good thing is: i dont cry as much... i physically cant anymore... i think my tear reserves are running out... im sure with the way things are going and all the useless drama bullsh*t that ive experienced so far, im going to end up a cold heartless b*tch by the end of the year... what do you think?
this heart of mine was broken at 10:17:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
confusion is the main element in jojo's world at this moment... you don't know what or who to believe... you're not sure if what you know is true or not... i dont understand anything at this moment... its either someone lied about everything... or someone else is lying that he's someone who's lying about something... does that make sense? *sigh i need to think... im trying to reasses the morality of mankind and their ability to deceive...
does everything i touch have to turn to dust? does my every being scream failure? do i have a sign that tells the world "lie to me. im gullible"... where do i find such menaces? im a magnet for drama is all i have to say... and im really getting tired of getting f*cked over... seriously, its getting old... i should know better by now...
confusion is the main element in jojo's world at this moment... you don't know what or who to believe... you're not sure if what you know is true or not... i dont understand anything at this moment... its either someone lied about everything... or someone else is lying that he's someone who's lying about something... does that make sense? *sigh i need to think... im trying to reasses the morality of mankind and their ability to deceive...
does everything i touch have to turn to dust? does my every being scream failure? do i have a sign that tells the world "lie to me. im gullible"... where do i find such menaces? im a magnet for drama is all i have to say... and im really getting tired of getting f*cked over... seriously, its getting old... i should know better by now...
this heart of mine was broken at 1:34:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, March 23, 2003
Dear heart,
this whole chuckie thing is really getting me to watch the news... almost an incessant obsession that i cant tear myself away from... i hear the word "kuwait" and i cringe... i try to imagine myself in his place... what it must be like to see all this dying around you... the thought just crossed my mind but they have girls in the army, huh? do you think he'll meet someone else? i mean, that gives her an advantage over me cuz she went thru the scariest sh*t in his life with him... nothing can shake bonds like that... god! see how fucking self-absorbed and selfish i am?! i completely disgust myself with all this trivial paranoia... i just wish i knew what was going on there... there were 11 injured from that grenade attack... they are now being sent to army hospitals but their identities were not released... if anything, chuckie is working in the hospitals... feeding all the wounded, seeing all their pain, wishing he could just "kill him some iraqies" as he puts it... yeah, he's a cook but i think he's freaking brave as hell... im so proud of what he's doing... trying to "fight for peace"... thats an oxymoron tho... i wish there was a way i could tell him all this... you know what i secretly hope for each time i watch cnn? for them to do a piece on the army hospitals and then them accidentaly film chuckie feeding, cooking, or whatever it is he does... i wanna see his face again... just to make sure he's still there... that it wasnt a dream...
the thing that really pisses me off about this war is the protesters... i mean, f*CK! do you really think protesting and wasting our tax money on gettin your *sses arrested by cops we finance will help? is that really going to stop the war? you want to be heard? go write a f*cking book! write an editorial for a newspaper, for goddsakes! dont cause drama for your mama on the damn streets and waste people's time trying to stop you... its not accompishing anything but even making it worse... its not bringing the troops back... its not going to make this war end sooner... its not going to ease the sleep of the families and loved ones that are out there fighting for bush's stupid cause... yeah, i dont agree on the war either... i think its stupid... but do i go parading the streets trying to show off? NO! i mean, i want the war to stop... i didnt even want it to start in the first place... who does? i want chuckie to come home... i want everyone in the military to be able to go back to where they belong- which is here... i want a whole lot of things... but the whole protesting thing is just giving us another war to fight in our very own backyard...
[[ quote of the moment ]]
"fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity"
this whole chuckie thing is really getting me to watch the news... almost an incessant obsession that i cant tear myself away from... i hear the word "kuwait" and i cringe... i try to imagine myself in his place... what it must be like to see all this dying around you... the thought just crossed my mind but they have girls in the army, huh? do you think he'll meet someone else? i mean, that gives her an advantage over me cuz she went thru the scariest sh*t in his life with him... nothing can shake bonds like that... god! see how fucking self-absorbed and selfish i am?! i completely disgust myself with all this trivial paranoia... i just wish i knew what was going on there... there were 11 injured from that grenade attack... they are now being sent to army hospitals but their identities were not released... if anything, chuckie is working in the hospitals... feeding all the wounded, seeing all their pain, wishing he could just "kill him some iraqies" as he puts it... yeah, he's a cook but i think he's freaking brave as hell... im so proud of what he's doing... trying to "fight for peace"... thats an oxymoron tho... i wish there was a way i could tell him all this... you know what i secretly hope for each time i watch cnn? for them to do a piece on the army hospitals and then them accidentaly film chuckie feeding, cooking, or whatever it is he does... i wanna see his face again... just to make sure he's still there... that it wasnt a dream...
the thing that really pisses me off about this war is the protesters... i mean, f*CK! do you really think protesting and wasting our tax money on gettin your *sses arrested by cops we finance will help? is that really going to stop the war? you want to be heard? go write a f*cking book! write an editorial for a newspaper, for goddsakes! dont cause drama for your mama on the damn streets and waste people's time trying to stop you... its not accompishing anything but even making it worse... its not bringing the troops back... its not going to make this war end sooner... its not going to ease the sleep of the families and loved ones that are out there fighting for bush's stupid cause... yeah, i dont agree on the war either... i think its stupid... but do i go parading the streets trying to show off? NO! i mean, i want the war to stop... i didnt even want it to start in the first place... who does? i want chuckie to come home... i want everyone in the military to be able to go back to where they belong- which is here... i want a whole lot of things... but the whole protesting thing is just giving us another war to fight in our very own backyard...
[[ quote of the moment ]]
"fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity"
this heart of mine was broken at 11:59:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
hearing news on the war on iraq can be a bit much for me... they were talking about these prisoners of war and how they were interviewed and some killed... i saw the horrific, unidentifiable bodies piled on the floor... my thoughts kept imagining chuckie laying there with the rest of those people... i just cant take sh*t like that... i started bawling while eating breakfast with my parents... they thought i was crazy or something... wouldnt you go crazy?! you wonder what the hell is going on... they mention kuwait, they mention people dying, they mention mistreatment of prisoners... but you really just want them to video tape every individual there so you can know if he's still alive, if he's ok, if he's smiling, if he's tired, what he looks like with a shaved head...
each day i have to wonder... and its the helpless wondering that eats me up inside... no one is going to inform me if anything happens to him... the only way i'll hear his name again is if he calls me when he gets back... i dont know his family... i dont have contact with his friends... and it sucks because i'll always be wondering until he returns... he will return... i have to believe that...
i wonder if he takes my picture out of his wallet and thinks of me... i wonder if its thoughts of me that keep him hopeful and eager for home... i wonder if its memories of our last days that get him through his days and nights alone... but maybe its not me at all... and that is the wondering inside me that hurts... ugh! i just dont want him to be scared or hurt... i want him to be ok always... and i want him to come back already... forget the war, come back to me...
hearing news on the war on iraq can be a bit much for me... they were talking about these prisoners of war and how they were interviewed and some killed... i saw the horrific, unidentifiable bodies piled on the floor... my thoughts kept imagining chuckie laying there with the rest of those people... i just cant take sh*t like that... i started bawling while eating breakfast with my parents... they thought i was crazy or something... wouldnt you go crazy?! you wonder what the hell is going on... they mention kuwait, they mention people dying, they mention mistreatment of prisoners... but you really just want them to video tape every individual there so you can know if he's still alive, if he's ok, if he's smiling, if he's tired, what he looks like with a shaved head...
each day i have to wonder... and its the helpless wondering that eats me up inside... no one is going to inform me if anything happens to him... the only way i'll hear his name again is if he calls me when he gets back... i dont know his family... i dont have contact with his friends... and it sucks because i'll always be wondering until he returns... he will return... i have to believe that...
i wonder if he takes my picture out of his wallet and thinks of me... i wonder if its thoughts of me that keep him hopeful and eager for home... i wonder if its memories of our last days that get him through his days and nights alone... but maybe its not me at all... and that is the wondering inside me that hurts... ugh! i just dont want him to be scared or hurt... i want him to be ok always... and i want him to come back already... forget the war, come back to me...
this heart of mine was broken at 10:56:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, March 22, 2003
Dear heart,
take a look back at my february 19 entree... this was the first day i met him:
well when i was stopped at the light to leave school, a cute boy in the car
next to me said hi... i was really suprised cuz at first he glanced over 
then looked straight ahead again... i thought to myself "cute" but that was it... suddenly he's rolling down his windows and asking me for my name, if i have a boyfriend, and for my number... hehe i gave the answer to all three... he called and we talked n i think i have a date 
tomorrow... weeee!
yeah, we planned a date the next day of school... we were going to have lunch or some sh*t like that... unfortunately, that was the day i crashed my car... so the funniest thing is that exactly a month after he got my number, we FINALLY went out... i met him on wednesday february 19 and then had our first date on wednesday march 19... i find that moronically ironic... like dude, why the hell did we wait so damn long?! we coulda had a month... i wasted the month with those stupid idiots... jungle Guy, dopey, fred, noel... akk! i just didnt know better...
i didnt even like him at first... yeah, he was cute... but talking to him made him seem like the overly wreckless type... i didnt like that at all... it just seemed i was too controlled and "lame" compared to him... but you know me, im dont come close to being controlled and im not even in the same dimension with the word lame... maybe its how i always like at first, so cold, distant, overly critical... so he didnt end up being on my priority list... especially the fact that he told me he could be deployed for kuwait any day now made me less eager to get close to this guy... weeks pass and i finally decide to call him while waiting for my mom to join me at the olive garden... i thought he had cingular... so we talked again and he just seemed more agreeable the second time... i laughed like no other, not the polite laughs either... but the cant breathe, im tearing, side hurts kinda laughing... but even that didnt soften my heart towards him...
he calls me that friday and wants to hang out... but i never call and he calls me when im coming home from watching "just married"... so we make plans for next weekend, and at this point im still not sure if really making them to go, or making them to make them... i have this serious problem of planning enjoyment but action anxiety... i make so many dates and only execute few... its just safer that way in case people flake... so i start my week with war on my mind and getting jungle Guy back... and chuckie not even crossing my mind... until he drops the bomb on me tuesday night... he's getting deployed friday... panic fills me all of a sudden... i actually have engaging conversations with this boy and i never even considered really hanging with him... he makes me laugh, he understands my humor- what's wrong with me?! so i ditch work and we get to hang out... and you know what happens after that...
im not really sure the purpose of all this fruitless analizing... this is not going to bring him back... maybe its almost an apology to myself for being so stubborn and close-minded... i missed out on things that we're right in front of me cuz i couldnt stop looking behind me to the fading past... ugh! learn from this, everyone, LEARN FROM THIS!!!!
take a look back at my february 19 entree... this was the first day i met him:
well when i was stopped at the light to leave school, a cute boy in the car
next to me said hi... i was really suprised cuz at first he glanced over then looked straight ahead again... i thought to myself "cute" but that was it... suddenly he's rolling down his windows and asking me for my name, if i have a boyfriend, and for my number... hehe i gave the answer to all three... he called and we talked n i think i have a date tomorrow... weeee!
yeah, we planned a date the next day of school... we were going to have lunch or some sh*t like that... unfortunately, that was the day i crashed my car... so the funniest thing is that exactly a month after he got my number, we FINALLY went out... i met him on wednesday february 19 and then had our first date on wednesday march 19... i find that moronically ironic... like dude, why the hell did we wait so damn long?! we coulda had a month... i wasted the month with those stupid idiots... jungle Guy, dopey, fred, noel... akk! i just didnt know better...
i didnt even like him at first... yeah, he was cute... but talking to him made him seem like the overly wreckless type... i didnt like that at all... it just seemed i was too controlled and "lame" compared to him... but you know me, im dont come close to being controlled and im not even in the same dimension with the word lame... maybe its how i always like at first, so cold, distant, overly critical... so he didnt end up being on my priority list... especially the fact that he told me he could be deployed for kuwait any day now made me less eager to get close to this guy... weeks pass and i finally decide to call him while waiting for my mom to join me at the olive garden... i thought he had cingular... so we talked again and he just seemed more agreeable the second time... i laughed like no other, not the polite laughs either... but the cant breathe, im tearing, side hurts kinda laughing... but even that didnt soften my heart towards him...
he calls me that friday and wants to hang out... but i never call and he calls me when im coming home from watching "just married"... so we make plans for next weekend, and at this point im still not sure if really making them to go, or making them to make them... i have this serious problem of planning enjoyment but action anxiety... i make so many dates and only execute few... its just safer that way in case people flake... so i start my week with war on my mind and getting jungle Guy back... and chuckie not even crossing my mind... until he drops the bomb on me tuesday night... he's getting deployed friday... panic fills me all of a sudden... i actually have engaging conversations with this boy and i never even considered really hanging with him... he makes me laugh, he understands my humor- what's wrong with me?! so i ditch work and we get to hang out... and you know what happens after that...
im not really sure the purpose of all this fruitless analizing... this is not going to bring him back... maybe its almost an apology to myself for being so stubborn and close-minded... i missed out on things that we're right in front of me cuz i couldnt stop looking behind me to the fading past... ugh! learn from this, everyone, LEARN FROM THIS!!!!
this heart of mine was broken at 12:31:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, March 21, 2003
Dear heart,
he just left me... yay! he called me at 7:40 in the AM and asked what i was doing... i shoulda been getting ready for class but... i was still sleeping... so he wanted to meet me up so i just told him to come to my house so he did... he looked really cute in his lil flannel... we sat on the couch and watched rugrats after he took a crap... he was holding it since the freeway and i was clowning on him... we just sat and he held me... he asked me if i was going to miss him again and i said maybe... he looked at me to see if i was serious... i hope he knew that meant yes for me... i have issues with saying yes nowadays... so we're just laying there talking n he wants to sleep cuz he's been up since 6 in the am... but im all hyper and tickling him... im not sure if it bugs or not but if i got too rowdy, he'd just kiss me... hehe that calmed me down every time... then he gets hungry and we go get breakfast at mcdonalds... in the car, he tells me about his troubled high school life... he went to 6 schools: got kicked out of 3 high schools, and 2 continuation schools... but he graduated n made it to long beach state with me... heehee...
so we eat there and we both get soda... most ppl look down upon soda in the morning... well, screw them! haha... and i cant even describe how happy i was to have him spend his last day with me... how he told his friend that he couldnt stop by because he was with me... so we went back to my house and went online... he gets so excited about these strategy games with dark lords or something like that... its cute... i hug him while he's playing on my computer and he shivers every time i brush my cheeck against his neck... then he starts kissing me and looks me straight in the eye and says nothing... and it reaches into the deepest crevices of my heart and squeezes it until i cant breathe anymore...
then he gets a call and its his mom b*tchin for him to get home... so he has to leave... and he pulls me to my couch before he leaves and we kiss like theres no tomorrow... because in fact, we have no tomorrow... no tomorrows together anyway... so i kiss his face, his chin with the cute dimple, his cheeks, his beautiful eyes... and i wanna cry because i know this is going to be the last time i see him... he makes this growling sound, like he always does and i knew i was going to miss that most... so after half an hour just staring at each other in silence... he says he has to go but i take this picture:
then he carries me and i giggle all crazy... he asked me "for a picture or something" so i give the old one of me and tina... i think he wanted more but i said i didnt have time to look for any at the moment... so i walk him to his car and take more pics... and im not even thinking about him leaving... just that he visited me and how he made my day... he told me he was f*cking scared, that he didnt wanna die, that he didnt even wanna go... and i kiss him softly cuz i know it was hard for him to admit that... he told me his friends would ask him about that and he'd deny it like he was looking foward to everything... so i tell him to be careful and he plays around and screams "im off to die"... but before he takes off he gestures for me to come to his window... and we kiss for the last time... i dont want to let him go... i try not to think that this is it... our last everything... our last kiss... our last touch... our last glance at each other... he askes me for the way to the freeway and i tell him... i dont even feel like i miss him yet... nothing is really getting to me yet... i just smile, watch him drive off, and go inside cuz i like him and he likes me too... that was all that mattered at the moment... happiness doesn't visit me often and when it does, i like to keep it there until truth deems it necessary to slap me in the face... *sigh so i'll try to go on with my day, my life like he never happened... because i know thinking about him will just hurt way too much...
he just left me... yay! he called me at 7:40 in the AM and asked what i was doing... i shoulda been getting ready for class but... i was still sleeping... so he wanted to meet me up so i just told him to come to my house so he did... he looked really cute in his lil flannel... we sat on the couch and watched rugrats after he took a crap... he was holding it since the freeway and i was clowning on him... we just sat and he held me... he asked me if i was going to miss him again and i said maybe... he looked at me to see if i was serious... i hope he knew that meant yes for me... i have issues with saying yes nowadays... so we're just laying there talking n he wants to sleep cuz he's been up since 6 in the am... but im all hyper and tickling him... im not sure if it bugs or not but if i got too rowdy, he'd just kiss me... hehe that calmed me down every time... then he gets hungry and we go get breakfast at mcdonalds... in the car, he tells me about his troubled high school life... he went to 6 schools: got kicked out of 3 high schools, and 2 continuation schools... but he graduated n made it to long beach state with me... heehee...
so we eat there and we both get soda... most ppl look down upon soda in the morning... well, screw them! haha... and i cant even describe how happy i was to have him spend his last day with me... how he told his friend that he couldnt stop by because he was with me... so we went back to my house and went online... he gets so excited about these strategy games with dark lords or something like that... its cute... i hug him while he's playing on my computer and he shivers every time i brush my cheeck against his neck... then he starts kissing me and looks me straight in the eye and says nothing... and it reaches into the deepest crevices of my heart and squeezes it until i cant breathe anymore...
then he gets a call and its his mom b*tchin for him to get home... so he has to leave... and he pulls me to my couch before he leaves and we kiss like theres no tomorrow... because in fact, we have no tomorrow... no tomorrows together anyway... so i kiss his face, his chin with the cute dimple, his cheeks, his beautiful eyes... and i wanna cry because i know this is going to be the last time i see him... he makes this growling sound, like he always does and i knew i was going to miss that most... so after half an hour just staring at each other in silence... he says he has to go but i take this picture:
then he carries me and i giggle all crazy... he asked me "for a picture or something" so i give the old one of me and tina... i think he wanted more but i said i didnt have time to look for any at the moment... so i walk him to his car and take more pics... and im not even thinking about him leaving... just that he visited me and how he made my day... he told me he was f*cking scared, that he didnt wanna die, that he didnt even wanna go... and i kiss him softly cuz i know it was hard for him to admit that... he told me his friends would ask him about that and he'd deny it like he was looking foward to everything... so i tell him to be careful and he plays around and screams "im off to die"... but before he takes off he gestures for me to come to his window... and we kiss for the last time... i dont want to let him go... i try not to think that this is it... our last everything... our last kiss... our last touch... our last glance at each other... he askes me for the way to the freeway and i tell him... i dont even feel like i miss him yet... nothing is really getting to me yet... i just smile, watch him drive off, and go inside cuz i like him and he likes me too... that was all that mattered at the moment... happiness doesn't visit me often and when it does, i like to keep it there until truth deems it necessary to slap me in the face... *sigh so i'll try to go on with my day, my life like he never happened... because i know thinking about him will just hurt way too much...
this heart of mine was broken at 10:08:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
so he called me back... and im not really sure how to act... so i was deciding on whether to act all cold-hearted or just the opposite where i'm telling him it sucks that he's leaving... being the idiot that i am, of course i chose the first one... of course when he tried to explain himself to me i just brushed it off with a "dont worry, i dont care..." then he goes on to ask me if i missed him today... and i just said straight out "nope"... did i mean it? NOPE! i just couldnt let him know i gave a shit... that i couldnt stop thinking about it... about him... that i cried this morning because of him... but after that response, he messed around with: "well i didnt miss you either! haha" but you can sense he was kinda embarassed...
then my irritating stubborness continues... he then asks me if im even going to miss him until he comes back... so i said "nope" and when he countered that with a disbelieving, "nope?!" so i cooled down with a "maybe"... im not sure what he's thinking at this point... all i know is i wanna bash myself in the head with the flower vase... so he goes on to assume all the lies im letting him believe: "so im just going to be some guy who passes your mind now and again" and i say "i guess"...
dont you want to kill me? i want to kill me... so i didnt even get to suggest to see him tomorrow... because he went off telling me how he had to pack a lot of stuff and that he'd call me before he leaves or while he's leaving... it just seemed such an inappropriate time... so we hang up with a promise to call me tomorrow... no signs of wanting to say bye to me or anything... but according to him: "i know you knew i had fun... that i wouldnt do that to you" this is in reference to his friend gimli saying how i musta felt wen he canceled on me... how i must have thought that he just wanted to have one date n that would be enough... but he had faith in me that i knew better... even if i didnt and gimli was right, that was comforting knowing all my fears werent true...
ugh! i shoulda told him i was going to miss him... i shouldnt have lied... i should have told him how i felt! i mean, what could i lose? he is leaving tomorrow... anything and everything right now doesnt matter... he might as well know how i feel instead of keeping it inside and have it eat me up inside... i wonder if he'll remember me... if he'll think of me at all... if he'll miss me when he's out there in the spoils of war... if it helps at all, i wanna let him know that i will... maybe it can serve as a source of comfort for him in all his sleepless nights... i just dont know how to tell him exactly... like its gonna be weird and out of the blue... i couldnt admit that i missed him and now i wanna drop the bomb on him that i cant stop thinking about him and that i might actually really like him...
you know the worst part about me is? my self doubt... dude, why cant i just see the completeness of yesterday... how nothing went wrong and maybe this guy really likes me... because i sure like him... i dont know why i cant accept obvious facts... why i hafto go on my worry tangents that "maybe he's in it to hurt me" because i need to learn all guys arent necessarily like that... and chuckie might really have thought well of me... it might not change his "i dont want a girlfriend" attitude but enough so that i know i was something to him... maybe as that cool chick he hung out with once...
i remember talking to him tuesday night and while we were planning our date, he suggested something spontaneous... which was get married... haha! i laughed of course and called him crazy but in the back of my mind, i think i mighta been crazy enough to do it... my first date with a guy was also our wedding day... now that woulda been hilarious... but when he was asking me about him leaving for war, he mentioned coming back... if i was going to miss him until he came back... just the hope of that takes my heart out of orbit... do you really think he'd let me know when he came back? that he might want to go out again... this wishful thinking might do damage on my future relationships... i just need to see him before he leaves... its all i ask... im going to pray tonight and im making some of my close friends pray for me too... i just need that one last wish to come true... then i think i'll be fine... pray for me... please... i cant let go until i see what i was holding onto in the first place...
so he called me back... and im not really sure how to act... so i was deciding on whether to act all cold-hearted or just the opposite where i'm telling him it sucks that he's leaving... being the idiot that i am, of course i chose the first one... of course when he tried to explain himself to me i just brushed it off with a "dont worry, i dont care..." then he goes on to ask me if i missed him today... and i just said straight out "nope"... did i mean it? NOPE! i just couldnt let him know i gave a shit... that i couldnt stop thinking about it... about him... that i cried this morning because of him... but after that response, he messed around with: "well i didnt miss you either! haha" but you can sense he was kinda embarassed...
then my irritating stubborness continues... he then asks me if im even going to miss him until he comes back... so i said "nope" and when he countered that with a disbelieving, "nope?!" so i cooled down with a "maybe"... im not sure what he's thinking at this point... all i know is i wanna bash myself in the head with the flower vase... so he goes on to assume all the lies im letting him believe: "so im just going to be some guy who passes your mind now and again" and i say "i guess"...
dont you want to kill me? i want to kill me... so i didnt even get to suggest to see him tomorrow... because he went off telling me how he had to pack a lot of stuff and that he'd call me before he leaves or while he's leaving... it just seemed such an inappropriate time... so we hang up with a promise to call me tomorrow... no signs of wanting to say bye to me or anything... but according to him: "i know you knew i had fun... that i wouldnt do that to you" this is in reference to his friend gimli saying how i musta felt wen he canceled on me... how i must have thought that he just wanted to have one date n that would be enough... but he had faith in me that i knew better... even if i didnt and gimli was right, that was comforting knowing all my fears werent true...
ugh! i shoulda told him i was going to miss him... i shouldnt have lied... i should have told him how i felt! i mean, what could i lose? he is leaving tomorrow... anything and everything right now doesnt matter... he might as well know how i feel instead of keeping it inside and have it eat me up inside... i wonder if he'll remember me... if he'll think of me at all... if he'll miss me when he's out there in the spoils of war... if it helps at all, i wanna let him know that i will... maybe it can serve as a source of comfort for him in all his sleepless nights... i just dont know how to tell him exactly... like its gonna be weird and out of the blue... i couldnt admit that i missed him and now i wanna drop the bomb on him that i cant stop thinking about him and that i might actually really like him...
you know the worst part about me is? my self doubt... dude, why cant i just see the completeness of yesterday... how nothing went wrong and maybe this guy really likes me... because i sure like him... i dont know why i cant accept obvious facts... why i hafto go on my worry tangents that "maybe he's in it to hurt me" because i need to learn all guys arent necessarily like that... and chuckie might really have thought well of me... it might not change his "i dont want a girlfriend" attitude but enough so that i know i was something to him... maybe as that cool chick he hung out with once...
i remember talking to him tuesday night and while we were planning our date, he suggested something spontaneous... which was get married... haha! i laughed of course and called him crazy but in the back of my mind, i think i mighta been crazy enough to do it... my first date with a guy was also our wedding day... now that woulda been hilarious... but when he was asking me about him leaving for war, he mentioned coming back... if i was going to miss him until he came back... just the hope of that takes my heart out of orbit... do you really think he'd let me know when he came back? that he might want to go out again... this wishful thinking might do damage on my future relationships... i just need to see him before he leaves... its all i ask... im going to pray tonight and im making some of my close friends pray for me too... i just need that one last wish to come true... then i think i'll be fine... pray for me... please... i cant let go until i see what i was holding onto in the first place...
this heart of mine was broken at 12:14:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, March 20, 2003
Dear heart,
i hate when i start caring what the f*ck the other person thinks... am i calling too much? should i call now then? and the familiar feeling of convulsions well up when i stare at my phone ready to dial chuckie's number... so i do and its the voicemail... each time i hear it, makes my heart drop a million stories beneath me... i try to chant "i dont care, i dont care" silently to myself... or sometimes out loud so i can hear me better... i have this eensy weensy hope to see him tomorrow morning... just for one picture so i wont forget him... yes, im psychotic but i NEED to remember him... i dont really understand why yet... the following has nothing to do with my situation but if i was still stupid enough to love jungle boy, this would be for him...
[[ song of the moment ]]
rabiteen :: jack off jill
He said that he would stay forever
forever wasn't very long
He said that he would take the high road
He thought that I was always wrong
He said that he would go his own way
wrapped up my leg and down my spine
He said that he would be the fairest
Drenched in blood and turpentine
I am never going back I don't care what he said
I wish he could see the hate in my head
He said that he would tell no secrets
He said that he would never lie
He said that he would spring eternal
He said that we would never die
Cause when he lied it meant he loved me
And when he lied it meant he cared
And when he lied it meant he loved me
Cause when he lied it meant that he was there
i hate when i start caring what the f*ck the other person thinks... am i calling too much? should i call now then? and the familiar feeling of convulsions well up when i stare at my phone ready to dial chuckie's number... so i do and its the voicemail... each time i hear it, makes my heart drop a million stories beneath me... i try to chant "i dont care, i dont care" silently to myself... or sometimes out loud so i can hear me better... i have this eensy weensy hope to see him tomorrow morning... just for one picture so i wont forget him... yes, im psychotic but i NEED to remember him... i dont really understand why yet... the following has nothing to do with my situation but if i was still stupid enough to love jungle boy, this would be for him...
[[ song of the moment ]]
rabiteen :: jack off jill
He said that he would stay forever
forever wasn't very long
He said that he would take the high road
He thought that I was always wrong
He said that he would go his own way
wrapped up my leg and down my spine
He said that he would be the fairest
Drenched in blood and turpentine
I am never going back I don't care what he said
I wish he could see the hate in my head
He said that he would tell no secrets
He said that he would never lie
He said that he would spring eternal
He said that we would never die
Cause when he lied it meant he loved me
And when he lied it meant he cared
And when he lied it meant he loved me
Cause when he lied it meant that he was there
this heart of mine was broken at 10:37:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i think the reality of him leaving and the impossibilty of chuckie and me ever ending up together is really starting to sink in... i dont know why i continuously invest myself into the hopeless relationships... we had a date this afternoon, ya know... but he had to cancel because his mom wanted him to spend his last day with her and his family... i mean, thats quite understandable... and who am i to even complain when im just a girl who he went out with once... i dont even know why im making such a big deal... i have no say in this, i have no say in his life... i mean, he can do whatev he wants with his last day here... but i feel so damn cheated out of this awesome guy who mighta meant something to me... and maybe even vice versa... im never going to see him ever again... who knows if he'll even remember me when he comes back, if he comes back... its just unbelievable all this sh*t i put myself into...
these are the times when i really hate the world and its problems... i mean, it seems so far away but yet its affecting everyone around me... f*ckin ey, its even affecting me... and the funny thing is, all i really want is to see him again... yeah, poor dying people yaddy yaddy ya... so cant the war just end already? stop all the damn suffering and stop taking all the good men we have...
last night we were joking around and planning our non-existent weekend together... we were planning for disneyland in the morning then have this big ol' bonfire at the beach... at the time, pretending was fun... friday seemed too far away to even think about... but now i see pretending sucks... making empty plans that both of you know cant ever happen sucks... finally having an awesome date with a hot guy two days before being deployed for kuwait sucks... life just sucks like that... just thinking about how much fun we could have had makes everything hurt worse... i swear, my life consists of a string of never-ending heartbreaks... it comes right after each other... i mean, when do i take a breather? why did last night have to be so fun? why couldnt i be bored as hell, like most of my dates with good-looking boys? why couldnt he be dispensable like the rest? why find someone now who i hafto let go so damn soon? its ridiculous! the way the world works is utterly ridiculous!
so i guess last night really was it... our first and last date... how wonderful... i didnt even get to take one picture of him... i didnt even think of it... i thought i was going to see him today... i thought we were going to take lots of pictures in the beach... i thought i was going to be able to spend the day with him... i guess i thought a lot of things... i may have even thought that he was just lying about him leaving... its this sick joke to make me go out with him already since we always postponed it before... that's what i call pathetic wishful thinking... i really hate doing this to myself... im so f*cking sensitive- i hate it! never thought anyone would be able to get to me for a long time cuz of my flawless defense of the thought of jungle boy... then i guess he found a leak, a whole, a blemish on my steadfast wall... all he had to be was himself... give me date without awkward silences... and just understand my humor and click with me like he's known me all my life... you know how rare it is to find guys who really interest me? who like the odd things i treasure? its like one in a million chance... and here he is then there he goes... thats so f*cking lame... f*ck bush! f*ck his stupid lil war thats taking things i care about from me! f*ck chuckie for leaving so soon! and f*ck me for falling for someone so damn fast... idiot!
[[ the main reason why i like him ]]
boys are lame
chuckie is a boy
but he's interesting
so he's special
i think the reality of him leaving and the impossibilty of chuckie and me ever ending up together is really starting to sink in... i dont know why i continuously invest myself into the hopeless relationships... we had a date this afternoon, ya know... but he had to cancel because his mom wanted him to spend his last day with her and his family... i mean, thats quite understandable... and who am i to even complain when im just a girl who he went out with once... i dont even know why im making such a big deal... i have no say in this, i have no say in his life... i mean, he can do whatev he wants with his last day here... but i feel so damn cheated out of this awesome guy who mighta meant something to me... and maybe even vice versa... im never going to see him ever again... who knows if he'll even remember me when he comes back, if he comes back... its just unbelievable all this sh*t i put myself into...
these are the times when i really hate the world and its problems... i mean, it seems so far away but yet its affecting everyone around me... f*ckin ey, its even affecting me... and the funny thing is, all i really want is to see him again... yeah, poor dying people yaddy yaddy ya... so cant the war just end already? stop all the damn suffering and stop taking all the good men we have...
last night we were joking around and planning our non-existent weekend together... we were planning for disneyland in the morning then have this big ol' bonfire at the beach... at the time, pretending was fun... friday seemed too far away to even think about... but now i see pretending sucks... making empty plans that both of you know cant ever happen sucks... finally having an awesome date with a hot guy two days before being deployed for kuwait sucks... life just sucks like that... just thinking about how much fun we could have had makes everything hurt worse... i swear, my life consists of a string of never-ending heartbreaks... it comes right after each other... i mean, when do i take a breather? why did last night have to be so fun? why couldnt i be bored as hell, like most of my dates with good-looking boys? why couldnt he be dispensable like the rest? why find someone now who i hafto let go so damn soon? its ridiculous! the way the world works is utterly ridiculous!
so i guess last night really was it... our first and last date... how wonderful... i didnt even get to take one picture of him... i didnt even think of it... i thought i was going to see him today... i thought we were going to take lots of pictures in the beach... i thought i was going to be able to spend the day with him... i guess i thought a lot of things... i may have even thought that he was just lying about him leaving... its this sick joke to make me go out with him already since we always postponed it before... that's what i call pathetic wishful thinking... i really hate doing this to myself... im so f*cking sensitive- i hate it! never thought anyone would be able to get to me for a long time cuz of my flawless defense of the thought of jungle boy... then i guess he found a leak, a whole, a blemish on my steadfast wall... all he had to be was himself... give me date without awkward silences... and just understand my humor and click with me like he's known me all my life... you know how rare it is to find guys who really interest me? who like the odd things i treasure? its like one in a million chance... and here he is then there he goes... thats so f*cking lame... f*ck bush! f*ck his stupid lil war thats taking things i care about from me! f*ck chuckie for leaving so soon! and f*ck me for falling for someone so damn fast... idiot!
[[ the main reason why i like him ]]
boys are lame
chuckie is a boy
but he's interesting
so he's special
this heart of mine was broken at 11:37:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
Dear heart,
this may come as a big suprise but im not horridly depressed at the moment... im actually far from it... i swear to god i just had the best f*cking date of my life! this guy is SO much fun and the bonus points is that he's fine as hell... omg i can just slap myself to see if this is all just a dream... i guess in a way it is... because on friday he's getting shipped to kuwait to be a cook for the US army... how f*cking convenient, huh? finally found an exceptionally attractive male who is not the least bit lame and where does he go? to war!!!!!
anyroad, the day started normally with speech class and me actually going to greek mythology... i go to therapy and im just thrilled and scared at the same time cuz i cant stop thinking about 5 o'clock... so i take a nap then take a shower and my dad comes home and starts b*tchin as to why i havent picked up my sister yet... so i go but without a care in the world cuz i got a hot date tonight... with lets call him chuckie... so for once, i didnt let my dad get to me and i was in a really good mood towards my sister... told her i loved her and kissed her good bye... which (sadly) is quite rare of me to do... so i hang out at noel's house until then because i didnt feel like showing up for work... i was kind of getting worried since he didnt really call me that much today... my initial insticts projected rejection for me... but then while we were watching "bring it on" he called and i was all happy... so i made my way to crawfords to buy gum... hehe... well eventually he got there and he followed me to the movies... i was so excited because the hottest guy with a smile was following me to the movies... this was SO f*cking unreal!
well before we headed to the front office, he told me to help him get something from his car... and then he pulls out these beautiful roses...
i could have died then... i dont regularly get flowers on dates wen there is no special occasion... so i didnt really know how to react but act all flustered and shoved the damn thing in my car... even though i absolutely loved it...
[[ jojo before and after getting roses ]]
= = > 
anyhoo, so we walked to the movies and he straight up asked me if he could hold my hand, and i was just like sure... we were already having the best time ever just walking to the damn ticket booth... we walk to the theatre doors and he opens my door but i take the other one and open it myself... "look, you're not opening any of your own doors" haha so i went through the one he opened cuz he was just holding it... then we go watch "old school" and sporatically made-out... teeheehee... that was a load of fun... i think the movie was funny... the parts we stopped to watch made us crack up and sh*t... so he takes me to la puente, which is where he lives, to his friend's work... he played this coldplay song called the scientist and he sang it to me, while holding my hand, while he was driving... seriously, this boy got some serious points... he completed my checklist for random acts of kindness from a guy: flowers, touching my hair while he holds me, calling me beautiful, holding my hand while he drives, and singing to me... well thas my personal checklist... and i consider myself lucky to even get one check for the boy im currently dating...
so yeah... his friend is like a security guard for those newly built homes... so he gave me a tour of the empty houses and i was just having a time of my life... he was pretending that we were married like "honey, im home"... and he got a blanket from his car and we snuggled in one of the rooms looking at the stars... it was actually pretty cute... we kissed a lot too... heehee...
after that, we went to his security friend's trailer and watched the news... ok, f*ck that stupid war... as of that moment, it didnt even affect me... at all... i wasnt scared about anything... i was having the best goddamn day in my life and some stupid bombing isnt going to ruin all that... *sigh or maybe it will... this "stupid bombing" is getting him deployed next to enemy territory in 2 days... ugh! i really hate timing... but lets not think of that... well his friend was cool too... lets call him gimli... they enjoyed my company cuz im such a tomboy... i mean, i can be... he even called me cool... i know its lame to be happy about such an overused adjective... but everything that joined my happiness pile seemed to add to my great mood...
here are some random pics of me and the flowers... can you tell i love them?
so i get home and eventually he calls me: conversation is still awesome... i think each time we talk, it gets better... so today was my first date with him... tomorrow will be my last date... how utterly f*cking convenient! o well... everything happens for a reason... i'll miss him, i think... even though i havent known him that long, it seems like we've been going out for a while... yeah, sounds stupid? slap me... haha i wouldnt feel it... too happy... leave me alone... i dont ever usually feel this up in the clouds thing...
so basically jojo and billybob rate this boy:
two thumbs (WAY) up!
[[ lyrics of the evening ]]
coldplay :: the scientist
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming in tales
Heads are a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing tails
And coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start
this may come as a big suprise but im not horridly depressed at the moment... im actually far from it... i swear to god i just had the best f*cking date of my life! this guy is SO much fun and the bonus points is that he's fine as hell... omg i can just slap myself to see if this is all just a dream... i guess in a way it is... because on friday he's getting shipped to kuwait to be a cook for the US army... how f*cking convenient, huh? finally found an exceptionally attractive male who is not the least bit lame and where does he go? to war!!!!!
anyroad, the day started normally with speech class and me actually going to greek mythology... i go to therapy and im just thrilled and scared at the same time cuz i cant stop thinking about 5 o'clock... so i take a nap then take a shower and my dad comes home and starts b*tchin as to why i havent picked up my sister yet... so i go but without a care in the world cuz i got a hot date tonight... with lets call him chuckie... so for once, i didnt let my dad get to me and i was in a really good mood towards my sister... told her i loved her and kissed her good bye... which (sadly) is quite rare of me to do... so i hang out at noel's house until then because i didnt feel like showing up for work... i was kind of getting worried since he didnt really call me that much today... my initial insticts projected rejection for me... but then while we were watching "bring it on" he called and i was all happy... so i made my way to crawfords to buy gum... hehe... well eventually he got there and he followed me to the movies... i was so excited because the hottest guy with a smile was following me to the movies... this was SO f*cking unreal!
well before we headed to the front office, he told me to help him get something from his car... and then he pulls out these beautiful roses...
i could have died then... i dont regularly get flowers on dates wen there is no special occasion... so i didnt really know how to react but act all flustered and shoved the damn thing in my car... even though i absolutely loved it...
[[ jojo before and after getting roses ]]
= = >
anyhoo, so we walked to the movies and he straight up asked me if he could hold my hand, and i was just like sure... we were already having the best time ever just walking to the damn ticket booth... we walk to the theatre doors and he opens my door but i take the other one and open it myself... "look, you're not opening any of your own doors" haha so i went through the one he opened cuz he was just holding it... then we go watch "old school" and sporatically made-out... teeheehee... that was a load of fun... i think the movie was funny... the parts we stopped to watch made us crack up and sh*t... so he takes me to la puente, which is where he lives, to his friend's work... he played this coldplay song called the scientist and he sang it to me, while holding my hand, while he was driving... seriously, this boy got some serious points... he completed my checklist for random acts of kindness from a guy: flowers, touching my hair while he holds me, calling me beautiful, holding my hand while he drives, and singing to me... well thas my personal checklist... and i consider myself lucky to even get one check for the boy im currently dating...
so yeah... his friend is like a security guard for those newly built homes... so he gave me a tour of the empty houses and i was just having a time of my life... he was pretending that we were married like "honey, im home"... and he got a blanket from his car and we snuggled in one of the rooms looking at the stars... it was actually pretty cute... we kissed a lot too... heehee...
after that, we went to his security friend's trailer and watched the news... ok, f*ck that stupid war... as of that moment, it didnt even affect me... at all... i wasnt scared about anything... i was having the best goddamn day in my life and some stupid bombing isnt going to ruin all that... *sigh or maybe it will... this "stupid bombing" is getting him deployed next to enemy territory in 2 days... ugh! i really hate timing... but lets not think of that... well his friend was cool too... lets call him gimli... they enjoyed my company cuz im such a tomboy... i mean, i can be... he even called me cool... i know its lame to be happy about such an overused adjective... but everything that joined my happiness pile seemed to add to my great mood...
here are some random pics of me and the flowers... can you tell i love them?
so i get home and eventually he calls me: conversation is still awesome... i think each time we talk, it gets better... so today was my first date with him... tomorrow will be my last date... how utterly f*cking convenient! o well... everything happens for a reason... i'll miss him, i think... even though i havent known him that long, it seems like we've been going out for a while... yeah, sounds stupid? slap me... haha i wouldnt feel it... too happy... leave me alone... i dont ever usually feel this up in the clouds thing...
so basically jojo and billybob rate this boy:
two thumbs (WAY) up!
[[ lyrics of the evening ]]
coldplay :: the scientist
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming in tales
Heads are a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing tails
And coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start
this heart of mine was broken at 11:01:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, March 17, 2003
Dear heart,
ok so war is coming and i dont even know where to start my repentance... like i just gave up all my silly pride, stopped listening to all the voices of reason in my head and asked to see him... and it blew up in my face... "i feel like everytime i see u, i lead u on..." so i guess that says a lot about my stupid over-analization of certain jungle boy actions and assumptions about feelings that were never really there...
im just really wanna say sorry to myself for letting me love someone that much... my friends say they hate him and i wish i could do the same... but now i guess he has lost importance in my life... and all the fake love i felt for him will disappear with time... i cant believe i loved him... like seriously, he wasnt even cute... i mean, eventually he became the sexiest man alive in my eyes but thats the effects of love blindness... god, who does he think he is? i just wanted to talk to him... to tell him how i felt and see if he'd tell me he loved me to or if he'd give me the words that would set me free... and in a way, he has now... but i'll go on with my life cuz im f*cking better than to be all sad and weepy over some stupid worthless guy... i deserve better...
[[ STD quotes ]]
"sadness is like herpes... you cant see it sometimes but you know its there inside you"
-me
"the difference between true love and syphilis is that syphilis is real and lasts forever"
-danny
ok so war is coming and i dont even know where to start my repentance... like i just gave up all my silly pride, stopped listening to all the voices of reason in my head and asked to see him... and it blew up in my face... "i feel like everytime i see u, i lead u on..." so i guess that says a lot about my stupid over-analization of certain jungle boy actions and assumptions about feelings that were never really there...
im just really wanna say sorry to myself for letting me love someone that much... my friends say they hate him and i wish i could do the same... but now i guess he has lost importance in my life... and all the fake love i felt for him will disappear with time... i cant believe i loved him... like seriously, he wasnt even cute... i mean, eventually he became the sexiest man alive in my eyes but thats the effects of love blindness... god, who does he think he is? i just wanted to talk to him... to tell him how i felt and see if he'd tell me he loved me to or if he'd give me the words that would set me free... and in a way, he has now... but i'll go on with my life cuz im f*cking better than to be all sad and weepy over some stupid worthless guy... i deserve better...
[[ STD quotes ]]
"sadness is like herpes... you cant see it sometimes but you know its there inside you"
-me
"the difference between true love and syphilis is that syphilis is real and lasts forever"
-danny
this heart of mine was broken at 10:25:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, March 16, 2003
[[ updates ]]
* new sound file each week (check side menu for lyrics and song info)
*first real soundfile: my immortal <-- no longer available
yes i just realized it was that easy to have sound files in my lil world with just a simple upload to my domain... yay! i am utterly excited...
( refer to march 12's suicide song for lyrics )
* new sound file each week (check side menu for lyrics and song info)
*first real soundfile: my immortal <-- no longer available
yes i just realized it was that easy to have sound files in my lil world with just a simple upload to my domain... yay! i am utterly excited...
( refer to march 12's suicide song for lyrics )
this heart of mine was broken at 11:14:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, March 15, 2003
Dear heart,
the day seemed quite pleasant enough... i just got finished watching "just married" with may and dopey... for some reason, being silly ol' me- i thought the movie was speaking through the actors to me... like they were telling me something; to take action... if you really want something, you should just go for it... no matter what anyone else says... then if it wasnt meant to be then at least you know you tried... i think that goes for love too... i mean really, who gives a sh*t if his dad hates me? who gives a sh*t if he's as young as the olsen twins? who gives a fuck that he's not some pompously uninteresting college boy who knows where he's going in life? because all that really mattered then was us... being apart but being together, staying together, loving each other no matter what... we were the only two people on earth that really existed...
so now my stupid little heart is taking desperate measures to get him... may went to pass by his house and just sat there with me... i couldnt be any closer to him yet he was so damn far away... i know its dumb to start having faith again because of some movie that told me not to believe when people say "love isnt enough sometimes" because it f*cking is! you just gotta hold on until there's nothing left to hold onto... my hands are bloody from my tears as i refuse to let him go... it hurts... i hate movies like that...
[[ rhyme of the day ]]
roses are red
violets are blue
my heart still says
i love you
then i will wake up in the morning and all the temporary insanity would have left me... and i will come to terms with reality that i am never putting myself through that humiliation in front of the boy who doesnt love me again... its so easier to talk about asking him back and picturing him actually saying yes... but real life just doesnt work like that... a lot of repercussions will erupt from a trivial act such as suggesting another chance...
then i saw another movie called "crush"... it was about some 40 year old headmistress who was once a teacher and reunites with an old student... they fall in love but her friends are skeptical and try to seduce him... they are unsucessful but it was made to look like he was doing something wrong... so she tells him to leave and he does and ends up getting hit by a car and dies... what a f*cking stupid movie!!! argh! love was right there... everyone doubted it and she believed them... now the tears in my eyes just wont stop flowing... i cant stop myself from crying anymore... all my emotional frustration is finally escaping yet again and im not sure how to stop it... i called him and was about ready to just tell him i loved him... and that if he felt the same way theres really no point in being apart... but hearing his voice chilled my bursting heart especially when he got to the part where he questioned my intentions for calling... i cant just call to talk anymore? he was watching tv with his evil dad anyway so it was impossible to get through to him... so ive given up for the day again...
the day seemed quite pleasant enough... i just got finished watching "just married" with may and dopey... for some reason, being silly ol' me- i thought the movie was speaking through the actors to me... like they were telling me something; to take action... if you really want something, you should just go for it... no matter what anyone else says... then if it wasnt meant to be then at least you know you tried... i think that goes for love too... i mean really, who gives a sh*t if his dad hates me? who gives a sh*t if he's as young as the olsen twins? who gives a fuck that he's not some pompously uninteresting college boy who knows where he's going in life? because all that really mattered then was us... being apart but being together, staying together, loving each other no matter what... we were the only two people on earth that really existed...
so now my stupid little heart is taking desperate measures to get him... may went to pass by his house and just sat there with me... i couldnt be any closer to him yet he was so damn far away... i know its dumb to start having faith again because of some movie that told me not to believe when people say "love isnt enough sometimes" because it f*cking is! you just gotta hold on until there's nothing left to hold onto... my hands are bloody from my tears as i refuse to let him go... it hurts... i hate movies like that...
[[ rhyme of the day ]]
roses are red
violets are blue
my heart still says
i love you
then i will wake up in the morning and all the temporary insanity would have left me... and i will come to terms with reality that i am never putting myself through that humiliation in front of the boy who doesnt love me again... its so easier to talk about asking him back and picturing him actually saying yes... but real life just doesnt work like that... a lot of repercussions will erupt from a trivial act such as suggesting another chance...
then i saw another movie called "crush"... it was about some 40 year old headmistress who was once a teacher and reunites with an old student... they fall in love but her friends are skeptical and try to seduce him... they are unsucessful but it was made to look like he was doing something wrong... so she tells him to leave and he does and ends up getting hit by a car and dies... what a f*cking stupid movie!!! argh! love was right there... everyone doubted it and she believed them... now the tears in my eyes just wont stop flowing... i cant stop myself from crying anymore... all my emotional frustration is finally escaping yet again and im not sure how to stop it... i called him and was about ready to just tell him i loved him... and that if he felt the same way theres really no point in being apart... but hearing his voice chilled my bursting heart especially when he got to the part where he questioned my intentions for calling... i cant just call to talk anymore? he was watching tv with his evil dad anyway so it was impossible to get through to him... so ive given up for the day again...
this heart of mine was broken at 1:32:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, March 14, 2003
Dear heart,
today has opened up to be quite a positive day... i was having a coronary because i was gonna give my speech today... and you know me and speaking to a group of people, it just doesnt work out... i guess i hide my nervousness and anxiety real well because i actually got 100% on it! omg i was so suprised! she even called me "animated" with an "engaging smile." i mean, i never really liked her at first but after that she aint so bad after all...
today has opened up to be quite a positive day... i was having a coronary because i was gonna give my speech today... and you know me and speaking to a group of people, it just doesnt work out... i guess i hide my nervousness and anxiety real well because i actually got 100% on it! omg i was so suprised! she even called me "animated" with an "engaging smile." i mean, i never really liked her at first but after that she aint so bad after all...
this heart of mine was broken at 1:11:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
Dear heart,
hmm... im happy to inform you that my heart is in the process of mending itself... i guess it wasnt that hard to figure out the source of pain... if you leave the knife in the wound, it is gonna keep on bleeding... i had to take it out myself so it could finally start to heal... and this is what's happening... ive stepped out from my stupid dream world and have awaken to the bitter reality of pain and lies... life isnt as beautiful as the little girl inside me says it is... f*cking liar! stupid b*tch! ive done quite a good job of forgetting him... except people have a way of reminding me of him today...
i know im over the whole i-want-to-die bit but i found an exceptionally perfect suicide song...
[[ suicide song ]]
my immortal :: evanescence
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along
hmm... im happy to inform you that my heart is in the process of mending itself... i guess it wasnt that hard to figure out the source of pain... if you leave the knife in the wound, it is gonna keep on bleeding... i had to take it out myself so it could finally start to heal... and this is what's happening... ive stepped out from my stupid dream world and have awaken to the bitter reality of pain and lies... life isnt as beautiful as the little girl inside me says it is... f*cking liar! stupid b*tch! ive done quite a good job of forgetting him... except people have a way of reminding me of him today...
i know im over the whole i-want-to-die bit but i found an exceptionally perfect suicide song...
[[ suicide song ]]
my immortal :: evanescence
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along
this heart of mine was broken at 10:49:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
Dear heart,
[[ poem of the moment ]]
you handed me a rose
i handed you my heart
when the petals withered
my heart was torn apart
[[ parting words of the day ]]
"see you in the funny pages"
[[ text from a random blog ]]
IT hurts.
But IT was never there
in the first
Place.
You move on because
you can.
I stand alone because
I want to.
But if you think
For one long minute
IT was never true
-leslie
[[ downloaded song of the moment ]]
picture :: kid rock, sheryl crow
[[ poem of the moment ]]
you handed me a rose
i handed you my heart
when the petals withered
my heart was torn apart
[[ parting words of the day ]]
"see you in the funny pages"
[[ text from a random blog ]]
IT hurts.
But IT was never there
in the first
Place.
You move on because
you can.
I stand alone because
I want to.
But if you think
For one long minute
IT was never true
-leslie
[[ downloaded song of the moment ]]
picture :: kid rock, sheryl crow
this heart of mine was broken at 10:36:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i apologize for the temporary insanity i've been excreting these past few days... im seriously beginning to suspect that i am slightly bipolar or a manic depressive... mostly bipolar cuz of the extremities of my mood swings... its a little hard to say sorry about things i really cant help... i mean, its how i feel...
ive just decided to give up jungle boy/jungle Guy for lent... see how long i'll last with this one... so there are no efforts to talk or see him... stop talking about him and obsessing about him... just stop letting him invade any mind space in general... maybe i'll act a lil more normal if i do...
lately people have been moreso teasing me about eating a lot and being fat... im not sure if they are just f*cking around or they are really trying to tell me something... to be honest, ive become lazy and stopped my everyday workout regime... but i promise to continue it next week after my speech is over with... just too much stress in general to make time... *sigh, i'll make time tonight, ok? feel better? but i dont think ive gained any weight so far... ive looked at the scale and im still 5 pounds less than when i first started working out... i hope i dont just gain it all back... just another load to pile atop my stress heap... thank you... i REALLY needed that, sh*tfaces!
i apologize for the temporary insanity i've been excreting these past few days... im seriously beginning to suspect that i am slightly bipolar or a manic depressive... mostly bipolar cuz of the extremities of my mood swings... its a little hard to say sorry about things i really cant help... i mean, its how i feel...
ive just decided to give up jungle boy/jungle Guy for lent... see how long i'll last with this one... so there are no efforts to talk or see him... stop talking about him and obsessing about him... just stop letting him invade any mind space in general... maybe i'll act a lil more normal if i do...
lately people have been moreso teasing me about eating a lot and being fat... im not sure if they are just f*cking around or they are really trying to tell me something... to be honest, ive become lazy and stopped my everyday workout regime... but i promise to continue it next week after my speech is over with... just too much stress in general to make time... *sigh, i'll make time tonight, ok? feel better? but i dont think ive gained any weight so far... ive looked at the scale and im still 5 pounds less than when i first started working out... i hope i dont just gain it all back... just another load to pile atop my stress heap... thank you... i REALLY needed that, sh*tfaces!
this heart of mine was broken at 12:35:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, March 10, 2003
Dear heart,
so im back again and i suppose it is obvious that i couldnt sleep yet again... i hate really getting into reading someone else's blog because i just read the whole damn thing and i dont end up doing whatever it is i hafto do... the subject of suicide came to my attention... if you're going to judge me after reading this, well f*ck you! this is my damn journal and i can write whatever it is i damn well please...
i really think i scared dopey last night when i kept talking about using that lil knife jungle boy gave me for valentines day
i dont think its the best idea to give a sharp knife to a troubled girl with violent tendencies towards herself... each time i look at it, i just feel like opening my beautiful wrists to see how scarlet rivers run underneath such an ugly surface... i am such a coward... something happens in my life that i cant take, i take any pointed thing nearby and jam it into my palms... the rich feeling of intense pain makes me forget the inner hurt that i cant touch... them i stop and check out my self-inflicted wound and start crying like some idiot because i feel sorry for myself... i really hate me sometimes cuz im so damn pathetic...
its so inconceivable, isnt it? to wanna die at such a young age when you have all this promise ahead of you... to just give up on life when others are fighting to live just one more day... i feel quite selfish at times... and for some reason, disbelief comes with revelations that im mildly suicidal... yeah, i know im always smiling... i always seem like miss f*cking sunshine! but its all an act... it gets too irritating acting sad and being myself cuz people hassle you on "what's wrong?" or "do you wanna talk about it?"... it just makes me feel so goddam abnormal! but im the best liar, i smile and act like this world is a beautiful place even though i can taste the bitter ugliness of it all... being sad about one thing brings all the other bad sh*t that i've bottled up inside to emerge from its watery depths... all the hidden pressures from everyone start to rise up and i just choke at its abundance... i cant be this perfect little doll that you all want me to be...
maybe im just a whiny lil brat who complains too much... maybe i really am overly dramatic... but all i know is im the biggest f*cking coward who sneaks out of her room at night to the kitchen, steals a butcher knife and sits on the floor watching the blade touch her skin... praying that she'll find the courage to just end it all... her mind wanders to thoughts of the love she no longer has and she wonders if dying will make him care again... if this is the only way to make him see her again, even if it is her funeral... could this be the only means for him to realize that he loves her? even though she will never feel his love, at least it is there... her mind is made up, she's sure of it this time... until she begins to cry and think about her sister finding her bloody mess in the kitchen... or thinking about how the failure her parents will feel about their eldest daughter taking the life they gave her... she starts assessing all their sacrifices so they could be where they are that day and her just throwing it all away because she was too self-involved to even consider that...
i feel bad when people hafto hear the sh*t that i go through... it makes me feel so guilty when people cry my tears for me... why worry about me? isnt it normal to plot your own death when your 19 years old? to know every single detail of your last moments on earth... where you'll be, what music will be playing, how they will find you... the thought scares me now when i think about it but at the lowest points of my depressive states, it seems the only way out... but last night, dopey had to withstand the waterfall of my eyes and the undercurrents of my emotions... and i really hate how i drew him in and drowned him... people care too much about me when i really dont give a sh*t anymore... im just too damn fragile that im so used to this breaking inside bullsh*t... you know, i really try hard to be strong and stand on my own two feet... to not let anyone knock me down... but its just so hard sometimes... i can only take so much... and the scary thought that we live for pain invades my head... i dont need to know that the point of life is to test how strong we can be when god throws all these boulders to stop your path... i dont need to know that my life will always be a constant struggle...
sometimes i wish my life was eventless... no drama every damn weekend, no use for unnecessary tears streaming down an already tainted face... i wish i was emotionless... where i cant be happy or sad or mad or anything... where life is just a boring thing we hafto get through and get over with... because really, the living part of life is the thing that kills you... and yes i made up that quote... i have to work now but dont worry about me... i dont think i need help... i'm too much of a coward to go through with any of my schemes anyway... thank god for that sometimes, eh?
so im back again and i suppose it is obvious that i couldnt sleep yet again... i hate really getting into reading someone else's blog because i just read the whole damn thing and i dont end up doing whatever it is i hafto do... the subject of suicide came to my attention... if you're going to judge me after reading this, well f*ck you! this is my damn journal and i can write whatever it is i damn well please...
i really think i scared dopey last night when i kept talking about using that lil knife jungle boy gave me for valentines day
i dont think its the best idea to give a sharp knife to a troubled girl with violent tendencies towards herself... each time i look at it, i just feel like opening my beautiful wrists to see how scarlet rivers run underneath such an ugly surface... i am such a coward... something happens in my life that i cant take, i take any pointed thing nearby and jam it into my palms... the rich feeling of intense pain makes me forget the inner hurt that i cant touch... them i stop and check out my self-inflicted wound and start crying like some idiot because i feel sorry for myself... i really hate me sometimes cuz im so damn pathetic...
its so inconceivable, isnt it? to wanna die at such a young age when you have all this promise ahead of you... to just give up on life when others are fighting to live just one more day... i feel quite selfish at times... and for some reason, disbelief comes with revelations that im mildly suicidal... yeah, i know im always smiling... i always seem like miss f*cking sunshine! but its all an act... it gets too irritating acting sad and being myself cuz people hassle you on "what's wrong?" or "do you wanna talk about it?"... it just makes me feel so goddam abnormal! but im the best liar, i smile and act like this world is a beautiful place even though i can taste the bitter ugliness of it all... being sad about one thing brings all the other bad sh*t that i've bottled up inside to emerge from its watery depths... all the hidden pressures from everyone start to rise up and i just choke at its abundance... i cant be this perfect little doll that you all want me to be...
maybe im just a whiny lil brat who complains too much... maybe i really am overly dramatic... but all i know is im the biggest f*cking coward who sneaks out of her room at night to the kitchen, steals a butcher knife and sits on the floor watching the blade touch her skin... praying that she'll find the courage to just end it all... her mind wanders to thoughts of the love she no longer has and she wonders if dying will make him care again... if this is the only way to make him see her again, even if it is her funeral... could this be the only means for him to realize that he loves her? even though she will never feel his love, at least it is there... her mind is made up, she's sure of it this time... until she begins to cry and think about her sister finding her bloody mess in the kitchen... or thinking about how the failure her parents will feel about their eldest daughter taking the life they gave her... she starts assessing all their sacrifices so they could be where they are that day and her just throwing it all away because she was too self-involved to even consider that...
i feel bad when people hafto hear the sh*t that i go through... it makes me feel so guilty when people cry my tears for me... why worry about me? isnt it normal to plot your own death when your 19 years old? to know every single detail of your last moments on earth... where you'll be, what music will be playing, how they will find you... the thought scares me now when i think about it but at the lowest points of my depressive states, it seems the only way out... but last night, dopey had to withstand the waterfall of my eyes and the undercurrents of my emotions... and i really hate how i drew him in and drowned him... people care too much about me when i really dont give a sh*t anymore... im just too damn fragile that im so used to this breaking inside bullsh*t... you know, i really try hard to be strong and stand on my own two feet... to not let anyone knock me down... but its just so hard sometimes... i can only take so much... and the scary thought that we live for pain invades my head... i dont need to know that the point of life is to test how strong we can be when god throws all these boulders to stop your path... i dont need to know that my life will always be a constant struggle...
sometimes i wish my life was eventless... no drama every damn weekend, no use for unnecessary tears streaming down an already tainted face... i wish i was emotionless... where i cant be happy or sad or mad or anything... where life is just a boring thing we hafto get through and get over with... because really, the living part of life is the thing that kills you... and yes i made up that quote... i have to work now but dont worry about me... i dont think i need help... i'm too much of a coward to go through with any of my schemes anyway... thank god for that sometimes, eh?
this heart of mine was broken at 2:25:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
yet another day with me making my empty plans to see the illustruous jungle Guy... i really hate myself when i do this... my heart gets excited over nothing n i start getting random panic attacks because i cant decide on whether i should go or not... i know he'll get mad cuz he doesnt want his dad seeing me or he'll think we're seeing each other again... big f*ckin deal! damn, why doesnt that guy just let his son live his damn life!! what is so damn horrible about me anyway? besides the fact that i was completely in love with his son and would have done anything for him... that's the only crime im guilty of... really... ah im tired for now... ima take a nap before work...
yet another day with me making my empty plans to see the illustruous jungle Guy... i really hate myself when i do this... my heart gets excited over nothing n i start getting random panic attacks because i cant decide on whether i should go or not... i know he'll get mad cuz he doesnt want his dad seeing me or he'll think we're seeing each other again... big f*ckin deal! damn, why doesnt that guy just let his son live his damn life!! what is so damn horrible about me anyway? besides the fact that i was completely in love with his son and would have done anything for him... that's the only crime im guilty of... really... ah im tired for now... ima take a nap before work...
this heart of mine was broken at 1:47:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
remember that lil pocket diary i take around with me to record my random inspirations, well i havent written much lately because ive been so busy with homework... here's some of the things i wanted to let out on thursday:
work really uses up my happy meter, its not even funny... unless i had the smile energy i once did when me and jungle boy were together, i dont think my good mood lasts very long at work anymore... what a killer, eh? i think because the whole time i had my period, i supressed the PMSing energy... doing that only builds it up and eventually erupts when im unsuspecting... so ive just really been in a bad mood lately
and what kills me most is hearing that work phone ring... i get convulsions just watching that outside caller flash on the lil screen... my heart stops for just a second and a part of me holds my breath and makes a tiny prayer whispering "please let that be him"... but it never is... it's funny how calling him now is like walking through hot coals when before it was as natural as breathing, or as my heart pounding each beat for him... just thinking about the coldness of his dad or him being in the other line really scares me away... i miss him sometimes i feel like im gonna scream at the top of my lungs and just rupture my vocal cords... hearing his voice always touches me in a way that eats away the very insides of my soul...
i really want to see him this weekend but i cant bring myself to call him up and ask... to ask is like the most degrading thing ever... so i postpone it for the next week since i always seem to procrastinate everything... not realizing every day keeps us farther apart from how things use to be and its harder for us to try... he walked away one day and due to past experiences, i refused to chase after him... now i not the error because i took off after him much too late because now matter how fast i run, he'll always be a million miles ahead of me already...
[[ things i might randomly blurt over the phone as an opening line ]]
+ don't let your dad's hate for me influence your heart that knows being in each others life is imperative
+ remember you used to love me once; i used to mean something, a lot actually... remember when i meant everything to you?
+ don't let him take me completely out of your life because i cant survive without you in mine
+ if i cant be the one you love, at least let me be there and watch you get those loving eyes again, even if it is for someone else
+ words cant come close to describing how strong it felt to just be your friend, your companion... when i could just be near you and we could stay there for hours that felt like minutes
[[ old profile]]
Love...
Have you ever been in love?
Horrible isn't it?
It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside and mess you up.
You build up these defenses. You build up this armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then this stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...
You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They something stupid like one day kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore
Love takes hostages. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "Maybe we should be friends" or "How very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain
Nothing should be able to do that
Especially not Love
remember that lil pocket diary i take around with me to record my random inspirations, well i havent written much lately because ive been so busy with homework... here's some of the things i wanted to let out on thursday:
work really uses up my happy meter, its not even funny... unless i had the smile energy i once did when me and jungle boy were together, i dont think my good mood lasts very long at work anymore... what a killer, eh? i think because the whole time i had my period, i supressed the PMSing energy... doing that only builds it up and eventually erupts when im unsuspecting... so ive just really been in a bad mood lately
and what kills me most is hearing that work phone ring... i get convulsions just watching that outside caller flash on the lil screen... my heart stops for just a second and a part of me holds my breath and makes a tiny prayer whispering "please let that be him"... but it never is... it's funny how calling him now is like walking through hot coals when before it was as natural as breathing, or as my heart pounding each beat for him... just thinking about the coldness of his dad or him being in the other line really scares me away... i miss him sometimes i feel like im gonna scream at the top of my lungs and just rupture my vocal cords... hearing his voice always touches me in a way that eats away the very insides of my soul...
i really want to see him this weekend but i cant bring myself to call him up and ask... to ask is like the most degrading thing ever... so i postpone it for the next week since i always seem to procrastinate everything... not realizing every day keeps us farther apart from how things use to be and its harder for us to try... he walked away one day and due to past experiences, i refused to chase after him... now i not the error because i took off after him much too late because now matter how fast i run, he'll always be a million miles ahead of me already...
[[ things i might randomly blurt over the phone as an opening line ]]
+ don't let your dad's hate for me influence your heart that knows being in each others life is imperative
+ remember you used to love me once; i used to mean something, a lot actually... remember when i meant everything to you?
+ don't let him take me completely out of your life because i cant survive without you in mine
+ if i cant be the one you love, at least let me be there and watch you get those loving eyes again, even if it is for someone else
+ words cant come close to describing how strong it felt to just be your friend, your companion... when i could just be near you and we could stay there for hours that felt like minutes
[[ old profile]]
Love...
Have you ever been in love?
Horrible isn't it?
It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside and mess you up.
You build up these defenses. You build up this armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then this stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...
You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They something stupid like one day kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore
Love takes hostages. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "Maybe we should be friends" or "How very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain
Nothing should be able to do that
Especially not Love
this heart of mine was broken at 12:11:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, March 09, 2003
Dear heart,
i dont even know how to describe the sequence of events that took place this weekend... it just sucks how excited i was about it and seeing how it all turned out... let's recap everything...
<< Friday >>
ok i started with a good day at school because we turned in our speech outlines so our teacher was reading it and we had free time... yay! and i was reading people's fortunes and i really liked the random attention that my skills was attracting... also because the jungle boy lookalike finally talked to me... he shared that he wanted 5 kids when i was trying to predict his offspring... oddly enough, he got 5 boys and he was excited... look at all my expectations for him... they all get shot down at our first conversation... he's nothing at all like jungle boy except for the fact that he sorta kinda looks and dresses like him... but everything else inside that really counts is a completely different someone else... how disappointing! bah, life goes on, right?
anyway i just get ready for everything before picking up may... i do random errands i really didnt mind running... so first we go to the mall to try to find cute party clothes... unfortunately, i found a decent shirt that would match jungle boy's necklace for me... so i pick up two friends n we head to that cerritos party... it was pretty gay cuz i knew a lot of people there that i really didnt like... so considering it being cerritos, the party broke up at 9:30... this was the breaking point of my mood being killed... so may met up with a guy friend of hers n just decided to not ride with me but with him... and we head to another party in whittier, where she ditches me for that stupid guy friend... so that really pisses me off... and i end up crying in a car filled with boys i had to take home from the party... the night ended roughly and getting home made me completely exhausted...
<< Saturday >>
i wake up very disappointed... because i just had those terribly vivid dreams where you think its really happening... i dreamt of waking up in jungle boy's bed and he asks me to watch his brother cuz he has to go somewhere real quick... i was so tired i just tug at his hand and he lays down next to me and i hug him from behind... i never do that anymore, in fact i never did that really unless he asked me... i always liked being held... i think afer the bryan thing, i stopped being so damn affectionate... but then i felt so happy and complete and i just took it for granted that i felt him next to me... so without another thought, i dozed back to bed and found myself waking to an empty room, an empty bed, and an empty heart filled with empty memories...
so the whole morning i was just feeling lazy... i dont think i got up from bed until 5 or so and thas only cuz milo told me he was coming so we could go buy a game shark kinda thing called codebreakers for my ps2... so i get ready n i ended up staying there until 9 just playing ffx and trying to beat it... i go pick up dopey and head to his friends house to meet up for a party... my heart raced because i knew jungle boy was gonna be there too... but then i got there n he acted aloof n i think this was the first time i met jungle Guy... so we head to LA and almost get lost but eventually found it... it was hard to find parking... well it was quite exciting considering there were like 11 boys n me... i just felt so damn special... haha...
at first the party had people hiding in corners refusing to dance, so me and murray started dancing to start them off... then i dont know when but it just started getting crowded and they told me to try these balloons... i dont think i totally comprehended it when they told me it would mess me up... i mean, come on! it was a stupid balloon... what could helium do? well nothing! because it wasnt helium, it was nos... so after a few seconds, i just fell back n i felt a million times lighter... i felt like a feather and each time i'd fall, one of the 11 boys would catch me and it felt like clouds were saving me... eventually i start dancing with one of jungle Guy's really attractive friend... well i think we started dancing before i got messed up... cuz i was telling all his friends to dance n he said, "i'll dance if you dance with me" so that obviously was not the problem... its so hard to find dance partners these days with guys trying to prove their thugish exterior by bobbing their heads up and down... but this boy could dance!
let's call him fred... ok here's his 411... he's 19, he drives and has a car, he goes to school at cerritos college, he works at UPS, he djs, he dances, he's fine as hell, and he actually paid attention to me... so needless to say, i ended up kissing him... but i think its because i saw jungle Guy try to get some pretty chick messed up off that balloon... i got mad n revenge burned in my heart... thats why it was easier to just let myself go...
basically, jungle Guy didnt give a rat's *ss about me... he let me get messed up, laughed at me acting stupid, and he woulda left me without directions home from that party... he told me to chill there, but partly cuz he thought me unfit to drive... it was just such a new thing to meet this horrible new jungle Guy, so cold and stranger-like... i couldnt even picture him ever being my boyfriend once... seriously when i really think about it, i knew i wasnt invincible to drugs... and i knew that balloon would f*ck me up... but i just wanted to impress him... wanted to make him laugh at me again... i just couldnt realize that before making him laugh made him love me more, now seeing my stupidity only pushed him away... it made him love me less if there was any left... made him lose whatever respect he had for me... i just needed an excuse to kiss him... but i couldnt even do that right... i got messed up, pushed him away, saw him talk to some chick, got jealous, kissed his friend, and ruined everything i worked so hard for... dammit!
<< Sunday >>
i guess that's today... did absolutey nothing but play video games and watch movies with my family... i talked to dopey all day... then i saw jungle Guy online n i started having seisures... its so hard just to see him online because it gives me pricklies down the back of my neck... because im at constant war with myself on whether to talk to him or not... will he answer? if he does, will he say more than just "hi" or "sup"? will he be nice? will he say something else that will cut the deepest wound inside the depths of my heart (yet again)? after i started hyperventelating, dopey convinced me to just IM him already... so i did... and he reminds me of how messed up i was yesterday, that i made a fool of myself, and that everyone was laughing at me... then he goes on to say "i heard you're a GAH hoodrat now..." ouch, that stung! (GAH is his group of friends by the way) i dont know if he was referring to dopey or fred... maybe he meant both... i really dont want to analize the validity of that comment... then jungle guy gets even worse, and i didnt even think he could... he says "when was the last time you called" and i asked him why... so he says "make it the last..."
that just pushed me over the edge... remember dopey is still on the phone so i seek sanctuary on my bed and curl myself into a lil ball and cry... i dont remember feeling this horrible in quite a long time so it felt like new... just fresh wounds from lips that used to ease all my pain with words like "babe i love you"... at times i doubt if it ever really happened: if our times together really existed or was it just a manifestation of what i wanted in a relationship... was being that happy just a dream? so if you think calling him was hard before, try imagining how it is if he tells u that he doesnt want it happening again... but i summed up the courage and dialed those 7 numbers and he ends up picking up... the funny thing was, he was in the best mood... he was listening to music n even asked if i wanted to hear it... like nothing wrong just happened... he asked what was wrong with me and laughed that i thought he was serious... he told me i was going insane...
at this point, the knife he gave me for valentines day was in my hand... i was just about ready to make myself cry with empty threats of suicide yet again... but now it found a new destination... o how i would have wanted to stab him then... this detestable creature known as jungle Guy has completely taken over... he killed my jungle boy, so now justice must be served... such violence i speak of that i know i can never go through with... he still has the face of the boy i love... he is still the boy i love somewhere in there... its amazing at how some things deteriorate so damn quickly... like my happiness with jungle boy was one that ive never felt before... so overwhelmingly completing... and then it just stops like the steady flow of water when it reaches the waterfall... and i wish happiness would stay just a tad bit longer sometimes...
[[ quote of the moment ]]
"sometimes living is the part of life that kills you" -me
i dont even know how to describe the sequence of events that took place this weekend... it just sucks how excited i was about it and seeing how it all turned out... let's recap everything...
<< Friday >>
ok i started with a good day at school because we turned in our speech outlines so our teacher was reading it and we had free time... yay! and i was reading people's fortunes and i really liked the random attention that my skills was attracting... also because the jungle boy lookalike finally talked to me... he shared that he wanted 5 kids when i was trying to predict his offspring... oddly enough, he got 5 boys and he was excited... look at all my expectations for him... they all get shot down at our first conversation... he's nothing at all like jungle boy except for the fact that he sorta kinda looks and dresses like him... but everything else inside that really counts is a completely different someone else... how disappointing! bah, life goes on, right?
anyway i just get ready for everything before picking up may... i do random errands i really didnt mind running... so first we go to the mall to try to find cute party clothes... unfortunately, i found a decent shirt that would match jungle boy's necklace for me... so i pick up two friends n we head to that cerritos party... it was pretty gay cuz i knew a lot of people there that i really didnt like... so considering it being cerritos, the party broke up at 9:30... this was the breaking point of my mood being killed... so may met up with a guy friend of hers n just decided to not ride with me but with him... and we head to another party in whittier, where she ditches me for that stupid guy friend... so that really pisses me off... and i end up crying in a car filled with boys i had to take home from the party... the night ended roughly and getting home made me completely exhausted...
<< Saturday >>
i wake up very disappointed... because i just had those terribly vivid dreams where you think its really happening... i dreamt of waking up in jungle boy's bed and he asks me to watch his brother cuz he has to go somewhere real quick... i was so tired i just tug at his hand and he lays down next to me and i hug him from behind... i never do that anymore, in fact i never did that really unless he asked me... i always liked being held... i think afer the bryan thing, i stopped being so damn affectionate... but then i felt so happy and complete and i just took it for granted that i felt him next to me... so without another thought, i dozed back to bed and found myself waking to an empty room, an empty bed, and an empty heart filled with empty memories...
so the whole morning i was just feeling lazy... i dont think i got up from bed until 5 or so and thas only cuz milo told me he was coming so we could go buy a game shark kinda thing called codebreakers for my ps2... so i get ready n i ended up staying there until 9 just playing ffx and trying to beat it... i go pick up dopey and head to his friends house to meet up for a party... my heart raced because i knew jungle boy was gonna be there too... but then i got there n he acted aloof n i think this was the first time i met jungle Guy... so we head to LA and almost get lost but eventually found it... it was hard to find parking... well it was quite exciting considering there were like 11 boys n me... i just felt so damn special... haha...
at first the party had people hiding in corners refusing to dance, so me and murray started dancing to start them off... then i dont know when but it just started getting crowded and they told me to try these balloons... i dont think i totally comprehended it when they told me it would mess me up... i mean, come on! it was a stupid balloon... what could helium do? well nothing! because it wasnt helium, it was nos... so after a few seconds, i just fell back n i felt a million times lighter... i felt like a feather and each time i'd fall, one of the 11 boys would catch me and it felt like clouds were saving me... eventually i start dancing with one of jungle Guy's really attractive friend... well i think we started dancing before i got messed up... cuz i was telling all his friends to dance n he said, "i'll dance if you dance with me" so that obviously was not the problem... its so hard to find dance partners these days with guys trying to prove their thugish exterior by bobbing their heads up and down... but this boy could dance!
let's call him fred... ok here's his 411... he's 19, he drives and has a car, he goes to school at cerritos college, he works at UPS, he djs, he dances, he's fine as hell, and he actually paid attention to me... so needless to say, i ended up kissing him... but i think its because i saw jungle Guy try to get some pretty chick messed up off that balloon... i got mad n revenge burned in my heart... thats why it was easier to just let myself go...
basically, jungle Guy didnt give a rat's *ss about me... he let me get messed up, laughed at me acting stupid, and he woulda left me without directions home from that party... he told me to chill there, but partly cuz he thought me unfit to drive... it was just such a new thing to meet this horrible new jungle Guy, so cold and stranger-like... i couldnt even picture him ever being my boyfriend once... seriously when i really think about it, i knew i wasnt invincible to drugs... and i knew that balloon would f*ck me up... but i just wanted to impress him... wanted to make him laugh at me again... i just couldnt realize that before making him laugh made him love me more, now seeing my stupidity only pushed him away... it made him love me less if there was any left... made him lose whatever respect he had for me... i just needed an excuse to kiss him... but i couldnt even do that right... i got messed up, pushed him away, saw him talk to some chick, got jealous, kissed his friend, and ruined everything i worked so hard for... dammit!
<< Sunday >>
i guess that's today... did absolutey nothing but play video games and watch movies with my family... i talked to dopey all day... then i saw jungle Guy online n i started having seisures... its so hard just to see him online because it gives me pricklies down the back of my neck... because im at constant war with myself on whether to talk to him or not... will he answer? if he does, will he say more than just "hi" or "sup"? will he be nice? will he say something else that will cut the deepest wound inside the depths of my heart (yet again)? after i started hyperventelating, dopey convinced me to just IM him already... so i did... and he reminds me of how messed up i was yesterday, that i made a fool of myself, and that everyone was laughing at me... then he goes on to say "i heard you're a GAH hoodrat now..." ouch, that stung! (GAH is his group of friends by the way) i dont know if he was referring to dopey or fred... maybe he meant both... i really dont want to analize the validity of that comment... then jungle guy gets even worse, and i didnt even think he could... he says "when was the last time you called" and i asked him why... so he says "make it the last..."
that just pushed me over the edge... remember dopey is still on the phone so i seek sanctuary on my bed and curl myself into a lil ball and cry... i dont remember feeling this horrible in quite a long time so it felt like new... just fresh wounds from lips that used to ease all my pain with words like "babe i love you"... at times i doubt if it ever really happened: if our times together really existed or was it just a manifestation of what i wanted in a relationship... was being that happy just a dream? so if you think calling him was hard before, try imagining how it is if he tells u that he doesnt want it happening again... but i summed up the courage and dialed those 7 numbers and he ends up picking up... the funny thing was, he was in the best mood... he was listening to music n even asked if i wanted to hear it... like nothing wrong just happened... he asked what was wrong with me and laughed that i thought he was serious... he told me i was going insane...
at this point, the knife he gave me for valentines day was in my hand... i was just about ready to make myself cry with empty threats of suicide yet again... but now it found a new destination... o how i would have wanted to stab him then... this detestable creature known as jungle Guy has completely taken over... he killed my jungle boy, so now justice must be served... such violence i speak of that i know i can never go through with... he still has the face of the boy i love... he is still the boy i love somewhere in there... its amazing at how some things deteriorate so damn quickly... like my happiness with jungle boy was one that ive never felt before... so overwhelmingly completing... and then it just stops like the steady flow of water when it reaches the waterfall... and i wish happiness would stay just a tad bit longer sometimes...
[[ quote of the moment ]]
"sometimes living is the part of life that kills you" -me
this heart of mine was broken at 8:39:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, March 05, 2003
Dear heart,
i guess there's two ways i go about in a relationship... i either really
care or i 
dont... i either give it all or give u none at all... sometimes the ones where you dont really give a f*ck are better... its the kind where you know its not going anywhere and you know in your heart both of you are going out for the wrong reasons... i dont really put the effort and if it doesnt work out, like i already knew it wouldnt, i can live my life happy that i forecasted this storm...
then there are those where i gave them my all... the ones i gave my heart to... the ones i let in my crazy lil world, my neuroticaly silly world... those dont come often but when they
show up, i know they are worth it... seriously, i can be the best girlfriend if i want to be... but thats when i really dont understand break ups... if i gave you everything i could and it still wasnt good enough, then what can i do? its like a hopeless case... so when it ends, i hafto ask myself what i did wrong... 
like my friend paul used to say: trying to find what you could have done different to make it work is like going east and looking for the sun... the journey is endless yet you never find what you're looking for... i guess the only thing to conclude is that jungle boy is 
a f*cking idiot... how could he let me go when i was the only girl who "was in it for the love of him"? *sigh but you cant tell people's heart what to do or who to love... and if one day it decided there wasnt any room for me in there, i couldnt prevent that, could i? guess not... 
i guess it goes without saying that when you decide to fall for someone, make sure they are willing to catch you and not let you just
splatter to a gazillion itty bitty pieces...
i guess there's two ways i go about in a relationship... i either really
care or i dont... i either give it all or give u none at all... sometimes the ones where you dont really give a f*ck are better... its the kind where you know its not going anywhere and you know in your heart both of you are going out for the wrong reasons... i dont really put the effort and if it doesnt work out, like i already knew it wouldnt, i can live my life happy that i forecasted this storm...
then there are those where i gave them my all... the ones i gave my heart to... the ones i let in my crazy lil world, my neuroticaly silly world... those dont come often but when they
show up, i know they are worth it... seriously, i can be the best girlfriend if i want to be... but thats when i really dont understand break ups... if i gave you everything i could and it still wasnt good enough, then what can i do? its like a hopeless case... so when it ends, i hafto ask myself what i did wrong... like my friend paul used to say: trying to find what you could have done different to make it work is like going east and looking for the sun... the journey is endless yet you never find what you're looking for... i guess the only thing to conclude is that jungle boy is a f*cking idiot... how could he let me go when i was the only girl who "was in it for the love of him"? *sigh but you cant tell people's heart what to do or who to love... and if one day it decided there wasnt any room for me in there, i couldnt prevent that, could i? guess not...
i guess it goes without saying that when you decide to fall for someone, make sure they are willing to catch you and not let you just
splatter to a gazillion itty bitty pieces...
this heart of mine was broken at 1:33:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i found class pointless
so i skipped it to write you... today my heart ached more than usual, like it yearned for him or something... i made plans in my head to visit him at work... i can just picture it now, he'll come out of his car with a perplexed look 
and ask what im doing there... and the only thing i can tell him is the obvious truth that "dammit! i miss you..." 
and he'll prolly explain how im not supposed to act on those feelings anymore and once again remind me that it is over... dont you think i know that? dont you think the empty space that you left behind burns me with nothing but memories of you whose sole purpose is to torture me? its been over for 3 weeks now and i must learn to accept it...
but when did i lose my right to tell him i miss him? when has it been not ok to tell him how i feel? what i loved about our relationship was i could tell him anything i want and vice versa... and now, saying "i love you"
is a sin... i hafto constantly find an excuse as to why im calling him or why i wanna see him... its just not simple anymore like i wanna talk or i just wanna see you... trying to think up excuses in the car, 
the hopelessness settles in that i cant be away from him... sometimes i feel like i've taken a step forward but then it seems the love thing always draws me back to where i started...
sometimes i just wanna beg him back... i know it sounds silly and
weak-hearted of me but i really cant take it most of the time... it hurts and im tired of the feeling... i forget that it might hurt too to be with him again... but my heart refuses to listen to reason and i just wanna show up one day and throw myself at his feet and see where that takes me... o god 
if i heard this from anyone elses mouth i would slap some sense into them... cuz thats just f*cking 
pathetic... but i cant hear what reason has to say cuz my heart's beat is drumming much too fast and loud for me to notice... maybe this idea would have been easier if we JUST broke up since i knew i still had some space in that locked heart of his... but now its like i left one day and when i came back, the locks were changed 
and my key wont work anymore... his heart is foreign territory now and stepping in might result in my destruction yet again... but these are strong ideas i dare not act upon... i have some sense, ya know... thank god 
for that...
i found class pointless
so i skipped it to write you... today my heart ached more than usual, like it yearned for him or something... i made plans in my head to visit him at work... i can just picture it now, he'll come out of his car with a perplexed look and ask what im doing there... and the only thing i can tell him is the obvious truth that "dammit! i miss you..." and he'll prolly explain how im not supposed to act on those feelings anymore and once again remind me that it is over... dont you think i know that? dont you think the empty space that you left behind burns me with nothing but memories of you whose sole purpose is to torture me? its been over for 3 weeks now and i must learn to accept it...
but when did i lose my right to tell him i miss him? when has it been not ok to tell him how i feel? what i loved about our relationship was i could tell him anything i want and vice versa... and now, saying "i love you"
is a sin... i hafto constantly find an excuse as to why im calling him or why i wanna see him... its just not simple anymore like i wanna talk or i just wanna see you... trying to think up excuses in the car, the hopelessness settles in that i cant be away from him... sometimes i feel like i've taken a step forward but then it seems the love thing always draws me back to where i started...
sometimes i just wanna beg him back... i know it sounds silly and
weak-hearted of me but i really cant take it most of the time... it hurts and im tired of the feeling... i forget that it might hurt too to be with him again... but my heart refuses to listen to reason and i just wanna show up one day and throw myself at his feet and see where that takes me... o god if i heard this from anyone elses mouth i would slap some sense into them... cuz thats just f*cking pathetic... but i cant hear what reason has to say cuz my heart's beat is drumming much too fast and loud for me to notice... maybe this idea would have been easier if we JUST broke up since i knew i still had some space in that locked heart of his... but now its like i left one day and when i came back, the locks were changed and my key wont work anymore... his heart is foreign territory now and stepping in might result in my destruction yet again... but these are strong ideas i dare not act upon... i have some sense, ya know... thank god for that...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:16:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i do such sinful things i can
shoot myself... my fingers refuse to listen to me and it continues to dial jungle boy's number even tho im trying to distance myself from his influences... im having quite a bit of distraction from random people lately and im glad...
toady was an ok day... it was milo's birthday and i bought him a balloon... hehe... i have a funny story about how i was supposed to suprise him... i was gonna tie it to his car and have him see it in the morning... so i call him and his cousin mike is over and i tell him about my hush plan... so i go to milo's house and see his aunt standing in the front... she looked like she was about to tell milo i was here so i told her "nooo! shh! this is a suprise" so i was about to tie the the balloon string on his side mirrors when a loud alarm/honking noise scared the sh*t outta me... eep! so i jump and just tell his aunt to take the balloon since he has an alarm but she just looks at me then the car then back at me then the car again... so finally i follow her eyes and see a figure in the car... i realize its milo laughing his *ss off cuz he knew i was coming the whole time! stupid mike couldnt keep his mouth shut! lol but it was funny!
so i drive home and my mind wanders to thoughts of jungle boy... gosh darnit i do miss him sometimes! some times more than others... i guess its wen you're alone and have that time to think... i really hate those moments... they are your weakest hour... im usually my strongest when my life is filled with distraction... i guess the drive home at night is usually a bad time for that... hearing his voice sent cupids arrow piercing my chameleon heart... i wonder about him sometimes... i wonder things a girlfriend should think about, which i am so not... i really hate that unnecessary paranoia for someone who is none of your concern... its pointless and makes me feel lame... akk! gimme cruthes... hehe k im bored of writing in this... nights!
i do such sinful things i can
shoot myself... my fingers refuse to listen to me and it continues to dial jungle boy's number even tho im trying to distance myself from his influences... im having quite a bit of distraction from random people lately and im glad...
toady was an ok day... it was milo's birthday and i bought him a balloon... hehe... i have a funny story about how i was supposed to suprise him... i was gonna tie it to his car and have him see it in the morning... so i call him and his cousin mike is over and i tell him about my hush plan... so i go to milo's house and see his aunt standing in the front... she looked like she was about to tell milo i was here so i told her "nooo! shh! this is a suprise" so i was about to tie the the balloon string on his side mirrors when a loud alarm/honking noise scared the sh*t outta me... eep! so i jump and just tell his aunt to take the balloon since he has an alarm but she just looks at me then the car then back at me then the car again... so finally i follow her eyes and see a figure in the car... i realize its milo laughing his *ss off cuz he knew i was coming the whole time! stupid mike couldnt keep his mouth shut! lol but it was funny!
so i drive home and my mind wanders to thoughts of jungle boy... gosh darnit i do miss him sometimes! some times more than others... i guess its wen you're alone and have that time to think... i really hate those moments... they are your weakest hour... im usually my strongest when my life is filled with distraction... i guess the drive home at night is usually a bad time for that... hearing his voice sent cupids arrow piercing my chameleon heart... i wonder about him sometimes... i wonder things a girlfriend should think about, which i am so not... i really hate that unnecessary paranoia for someone who is none of your concern... its pointless and makes me feel lame... akk! gimme cruthes... hehe k im bored of writing in this... nights!
this heart of mine was broken at 12:11:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
Dear heart,
grounds for my feelings lately are very unstable... one minute im sure that im still crazy about jungle boy and then the next its kinda like "meh"... maybe im just stuck thinking i still feel that way when my heart really wants another because my mind is so used to the whole "i love jungle boy blah blah blah"... but then its really hard to love someone who doesnt love you anymore... its not as fulfilling as if it were reciprocated... i guess he's just becoming a blur in the sweet memories we used to share...
most of the time now, i dont really think much of him... unless i see him online or have him call me, but even then im so used to his not being around... im just glad we arent together anymore cuz i have absolutely no one to worry about... im focused on me now and what makes me happy... the clarity that comes after every major breakup is uncanny... i guess seeing him on sunday was a must in my life... i had to know for myself that he was suferring too, even if it was just a lil bit... i needed to hear that he missed me too... that i wasnt the only one loving the past... in a way, i feel some lil triumphs over him knowing stuff like that... and you know what, by feeling like i won, i really did get a prize... i won my heart back... its mine again and ima take better care of it... its not his anymore, you see... dont think he knew how to take care of it in the first place... i was about ready to give up and just let him have it and do whatev he wanted with it, but good thing i changed my mind... but even though he doesnt have my heart anymore, he will always be the rightful holder of it...
see how i just put a whole entree to waste with one ending sentence... haha o well...
but im planning to see dopey today... must get ready now...
grounds for my feelings lately are very unstable... one minute im sure that im still crazy about jungle boy and then the next its kinda like "meh"... maybe im just stuck thinking i still feel that way when my heart really wants another because my mind is so used to the whole "i love jungle boy blah blah blah"... but then its really hard to love someone who doesnt love you anymore... its not as fulfilling as if it were reciprocated... i guess he's just becoming a blur in the sweet memories we used to share...
most of the time now, i dont really think much of him... unless i see him online or have him call me, but even then im so used to his not being around... im just glad we arent together anymore cuz i have absolutely no one to worry about... im focused on me now and what makes me happy... the clarity that comes after every major breakup is uncanny... i guess seeing him on sunday was a must in my life... i had to know for myself that he was suferring too, even if it was just a lil bit... i needed to hear that he missed me too... that i wasnt the only one loving the past... in a way, i feel some lil triumphs over him knowing stuff like that... and you know what, by feeling like i won, i really did get a prize... i won my heart back... its mine again and ima take better care of it... its not his anymore, you see... dont think he knew how to take care of it in the first place... i was about ready to give up and just let him have it and do whatev he wanted with it, but good thing i changed my mind... but even though he doesnt have my heart anymore, he will always be the rightful holder of it...
see how i just put a whole entree to waste with one ending sentence... haha o well...
but im planning to see dopey today... must get ready now...
this heart of mine was broken at 1:13:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, March 02, 2003
Dear heart,
the inevitable has finally come to pass and im not sure what the outcome really is... was that a good thing or bad thing? i have no damn idea...
hmm lets rewind for just a second...
i went to a family party and then went to the mall with my cousins and noel... so he called and wondered if i called yesterday... so i started talking about the party at pico last night that he missed...
his reaction: "oh you went? thank god i didnt go..." that just sent a samurai sword 
slashing my heart to bits... maybe he was mad 
about last night? well then he sounded like he really didnt wanna talk n eventually made some excuse that he had to eat... so wutev! ugh!
it turns out i got a ride home from the family party and so i decided to pick up my sh*t finally... seriously i didnt even know what to expect... my heart was pumpin so hard i thought my mom could see it thru my shirt... butterflies in my tummy were making me 
sick... seriously i dont even remember what it was like to love him or how it feels to be loved by him... all i do know is that whatever it is, its still very present in me and the only thought my mind emits is that im butt-crazy in love with him... its one of those things that cant be helped... his coldness for the past 2 days really stings the smile i try to wear to hide the pain... so i drive there prepared that things will never be like it was before, no matter how badly i want it to be so... we've distanced ourselves so much in the past 2 weeks that im not sure who he is anymore... this new jungle Guy fellow... see, ive never really met him in person... just over the phone and from that i absolutely 
abhore him!!
finally i see his house and i honk the horn and see him peak out... if i thought my heart was beating hard before, you should have heard it then... i thought it was gonna leap outta my chest and start
dancing... so i see him come out the door and i dont think i could have ever really be ready for this moment... 
so this was jungle Guy... he gave me a one hug and it was a good one except it was one-handed... he tried to talk about my car and just sat inside... i was trying not to feel akward in front of this stranger... so he makes me sit on the passenger side and i dont know... im not really sure how it happened but he 
kissed me... he noted the oddness of us acting "all lovey dovey" but didnt seem to wanna stop... so here was jungle boy again sitting in front of me... kissing me, 
loving me without words... he said something like "this is why i didnt want to see you because i know i miss you"... so i said "this was why i wanted to get my stuff so i COULD see u"... so we were being really honest with each other... theres no other way with him... i love him enough not to lie to him, i guess...
when i had to leave and he did too, it was just like before... where he couldnt leave me... god it used to be so hard to leave each other and here we are again saying our 10 minute goodbyes again... it just makes my
heart do flip flops... is this a good thing? what the heck is going on? i know he's seeing some 20-year-old white stripper who has a kid and is fine as hell... but for some reason, that didnt bother me one bit... all that mattered was he was there holding me and wanting to stay as much i did... he even did the "babe", "baby", and "hunny" deal... which always comforts me in a weird way... i almost forgot how very much in love i was with him and tonight reminded me of all that... i think we're cool now tho... like he's gonna stop acting like a d*ck cuz now i know its just his way of hiding how he misses me... whilst me on the other case wears it on my damn sleeve...
i kinda wanna hide these facts from others cuz i know im gonna get some big ol lecture at what this all "really means"... but you know what, i dont really give a f*ck as of this moment... all that matters is that im happy
and i havent been for awhile now... i really need this emotional break (as in recess)... you know, i was about to think and analize every action and word until i make myself depressed... but no, 
not this time... im just gonna let myself sleep and be happy for once... no more worrying... just for tonight... im gonna close my eyes and smile because whatev reality is before me does not exist as of now... 
good night!
the inevitable has finally come to pass and im not sure what the outcome really is... was that a good thing or bad thing? i have no damn idea...
hmm lets rewind for just a second...
i went to a family party and then went to the mall with my cousins and noel... so he called and wondered if i called yesterday... so i started talking about the party at pico last night that he missed...
his reaction: "oh you went? thank god i didnt go..." that just sent a samurai sword slashing my heart to bits... maybe he was mad about last night? well then he sounded like he really didnt wanna talk n eventually made some excuse that he had to eat... so wutev! ugh!
it turns out i got a ride home from the family party and so i decided to pick up my sh*t finally... seriously i didnt even know what to expect...
my heart was pumpin so hard i thought my mom could see it thru my shirt... butterflies in my tummy were making me sick... seriously i dont even remember what it was like to love him or how it feels to be loved by him... all i do know is that whatever it is, its still very present in me and the only thought my mind emits is that im butt-crazy in love with him... its one of those things that cant be helped... his coldness for the past 2 days really stings the smile i try to wear to hide the pain... so i drive there prepared that things will never be like it was before, no matter how badly i want it to be so... we've distanced ourselves so much in the past 2 weeks that im not sure who he is anymore... this new jungle Guy fellow... see, ive never really met him in person... just over the phone and from that i absolutely abhore him!!
finally i see his house and i honk the horn and see him peak out... if i thought my heart was beating hard before, you should have heard it then... i thought it was gonna leap outta my chest and start
dancing... so i see him come out the door and i dont think i could have ever really be ready for this moment... so this was jungle Guy... he gave me a one hug and it was a good one except it was one-handed... he tried to talk about my car and just sat inside... i was trying not to feel akward in front of this stranger... so he makes me sit on the passenger side and i dont know... im not really sure how it happened but he kissed me... he noted the oddness of us acting "all lovey dovey" but didnt seem to wanna stop... so here was jungle boy again sitting in front of me... kissing me, loving me without words... he said something like "this is why i didnt want to see you because i know i miss you"... so i said "this was why i wanted to get my stuff so i COULD see u"... so we were being really honest with each other... theres no other way with him... i love him enough not to lie to him, i guess...
when i had to leave and he did too, it was just like before... where he couldnt leave me... god it used to be so hard to leave each other and here we are again saying our 10 minute goodbyes again... it just makes my
heart do flip flops... is this a good thing? what the heck is going on? i know he's seeing some 20-year-old white stripper who has a kid and is fine as hell... but for some reason, that didnt bother me one bit... all that mattered was he was there holding me and wanting to stay as much i did... he even did the "babe", "baby", and "hunny" deal... which always comforts me in a weird way... i almost forgot how very much in love i was with him and tonight reminded me of all that... i think we're cool now tho... like he's gonna stop acting like a d*ck cuz now i know its just his way of hiding how he misses me... whilst me on the other case wears it on my damn sleeve...
i kinda wanna hide these facts from others cuz i know im gonna get some big ol lecture at what this all "really means"... but you know what, i dont really give a f*ck as of this moment... all that matters is that im happy
and i havent been for awhile now... i really need this emotional break (as in recess)... you know, i was about to think and analize every action and word until i make myself depressed... but no, not this time... im just gonna let myself sleep and be happy for once... no more worrying... just for tonight... im gonna close my eyes and smile because whatev reality is before me does not exist as of now... good night!
this heart of mine was broken at 11:30:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart