Friday, February 28, 2003
Dear heart,
driving around makes me think of so many things i wanna write in here... and then when i actually sit in front of my computer and start to type, my mind goes completely blank... damn my disfunctional short-term memory! i swear i need to take notes all the time for the random inspirations in my life... (hmm, good idea!) i just took my little palm sized journal thing and put it into my purse... o yay! just watch! i'll amaze you with my brilliance, the little notes i take in my head about random people... seriously, i dont know if im just being really self-absorbed or what but i have really interesting thoughts... haha im sure everyone does, but i just find myself fascinating at how out-there i can be... i dont know... i should be getting ready cuz i plan to visit UCI with milo today... i wanna look nice and stuff...
i know this has nothing to do with what i was talking about but... at least now i dont hafto wonder if he's missing me or not... cuz i know the answer... its no. simple and flat-out NO! and i guess that helps me accept things rather than have these lil hopeful wishes that keep me tied to him...
[[ quote of the moment ]]
i'd rather hear the ugly truth than some beautiful lie.
-me (well i think i made it up, but you know these days its difficult to be original)
i'm so excited now knowing my lil thought recorder now lives in my purse... im sure it will come quite handy at moments of enlightenment which happens often wen i'd driving alone... k shower time!
driving around makes me think of so many things i wanna write in here... and then when i actually sit in front of my computer and start to type, my mind goes completely blank... damn my disfunctional short-term memory! i swear i need to take notes all the time for the random inspirations in my life... (hmm, good idea!) i just took my little palm sized journal thing and put it into my purse... o yay! just watch! i'll amaze you with my brilliance, the little notes i take in my head about random people... seriously, i dont know if im just being really self-absorbed or what but i have really interesting thoughts... haha im sure everyone does, but i just find myself fascinating at how out-there i can be... i dont know... i should be getting ready cuz i plan to visit UCI with milo today... i wanna look nice and stuff...
i know this has nothing to do with what i was talking about but... at least now i dont hafto wonder if he's missing me or not... cuz i know the answer... its no. simple and flat-out NO! and i guess that helps me accept things rather than have these lil hopeful wishes that keep me tied to him...
[[ quote of the moment ]]
i'd rather hear the ugly truth than some beautiful lie.
-me (well i think i made it up, but you know these days its difficult to be original)
i'm so excited now knowing my lil thought recorder now lives in my purse... im sure it will come quite handy at moments of enlightenment which happens often wen i'd driving alone... k shower time!
this heart of mine was broken at 3:07:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i was about to b*tch and moan about how irritating people can be today... unfortunately, you might have to miss it this time because of random guy friends that have made me smile tonight...
in other news, i have the weirdest luck... driving to carl's jr for lunch, me and jon saw jungle Guy's car... so i got all excited but horrified as well... we didnt end up catching up to him so when i got back to work, i called... so that was a 27 minute and 55 second phone call... the longest time we've talked over the phone since he got in trouble... whoa that was like jan 28! exactly a month ago... crazy... anyway, he asked if i wanted him to drop off my valentines stuff tonight... so of course i said yes and yet again waited for his call but he never does... its like, i know jungle Guy already... he does everything jungle boy would never do...
so im driving home and listening to his excuse as to why his dad wouldnt let him out... and i just sit there rolling my eyes... but we talk.. i make him laugh and i feel so alive and worth something just hearing him... i drive around a bit and he stays on... we talk about the party on saturday how he's gonna help me with something... so this just felt like me talking to jungle boy even though i know its just jungle Guy trying to play games with my mind again...
so im home trying to find a parking space... and i really hate this because not only do i have to endure this task at school and work, now i have to be burdened with it at my very own neighborhood... damn inconsiderate bastards with cars! let me park in front of my damn house! ahaha anyroad, he told me he was about to go but since im still driving, he'll keep me company... so i take at least 5 minutes or so and sit in my car while its on... cuz im crazy n i missed him... finally i get out of my damn car feeling like a weirdo as neighbors pass me by... when i get inside before he takes a shower, i throw my heart on the ground yet again and ask him to step on it... here's how my heart got beat, battered, broken, and bruised all with one sentence:
me: so can you drop off the sh*t tomorrow?
jg: yeah, i guess i'll force myself
me: dude, what the hell? what happened to you?
jg: i dont know, its just not like before... im just not willing anymore
so thats how a wonderful conversation ended... it was like this slap in the face trying to tell me to wake up... and now my picture perfect imagination of how seeing him might turn out has now vanished... i can just feel his coldness already and it stings just a tad... enough for me to be able to walk away without falling apart... i really loved him but if jungle Guy is all thats left of jungle boy, then forget it... i cant love a stranger... ive only loved jungle boy and i think i will always love him... but lets try to forget the whole jungle packet for now... ima go to sleep n try to talk to his lookalike tomorrow... ahah!
i was about to b*tch and moan about how irritating people can be today... unfortunately, you might have to miss it this time because of random guy friends that have made me smile tonight...
in other news, i have the weirdest luck... driving to carl's jr for lunch, me and jon saw jungle Guy's car... so i got all excited but horrified as well... we didnt end up catching up to him so when i got back to work, i called... so that was a 27 minute and 55 second phone call... the longest time we've talked over the phone since he got in trouble... whoa that was like jan 28! exactly a month ago... crazy... anyway, he asked if i wanted him to drop off my valentines stuff tonight... so of course i said yes and yet again waited for his call but he never does... its like, i know jungle Guy already... he does everything jungle boy would never do...
so im driving home and listening to his excuse as to why his dad wouldnt let him out... and i just sit there rolling my eyes... but we talk.. i make him laugh and i feel so alive and worth something just hearing him... i drive around a bit and he stays on... we talk about the party on saturday how he's gonna help me with something... so this just felt like me talking to jungle boy even though i know its just jungle Guy trying to play games with my mind again...
so im home trying to find a parking space... and i really hate this because not only do i have to endure this task at school and work, now i have to be burdened with it at my very own neighborhood... damn inconsiderate bastards with cars! let me park in front of my damn house! ahaha anyroad, he told me he was about to go but since im still driving, he'll keep me company... so i take at least 5 minutes or so and sit in my car while its on... cuz im crazy n i missed him... finally i get out of my damn car feeling like a weirdo as neighbors pass me by... when i get inside before he takes a shower, i throw my heart on the ground yet again and ask him to step on it... here's how my heart got beat, battered, broken, and bruised all with one sentence:
me: so can you drop off the sh*t tomorrow?
jg: yeah, i guess i'll force myself
me: dude, what the hell? what happened to you?
jg: i dont know, its just not like before... im just not willing anymore
so thats how a wonderful conversation ended... it was like this slap in the face trying to tell me to wake up... and now my picture perfect imagination of how seeing him might turn out has now vanished... i can just feel his coldness already and it stings just a tad... enough for me to be able to walk away without falling apart... i really loved him but if jungle Guy is all thats left of jungle boy, then forget it... i cant love a stranger... ive only loved jungle boy and i think i will always love him... but lets try to forget the whole jungle packet for now... ima go to sleep n try to talk to his lookalike tomorrow... ahah!
this heart of mine was broken at 12:01:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, February 27, 2003
Dear heart,
for one i will refrain me from being my usual self-centered, self-involved self... with a little exception of some self-reflection about my childhood...
well if you don't know already mr. rogers died today... and it saddens me to think he was a victim of malicious rumors about beinh gay or a pervert... this was just a man who wanted to help children gain confidence... he taught the little girl in me so much... to not be afraid to make friends, to share, to use your imagination, to never second guess yourself, and most importantly that it was ok to be who you were... it was a sort of comfort to believe in such safe a neighborhood... and he would always be there to tell me something interesting or let me learn a new thing... its just come to such a shock that he actually died this morning... some of you might laugh at my sympathies for such a man... but he really helped me to accept myself as a child... its hard to be young and feel estranged by who you are... its hard growing up without a mr rogers to watch and learn from that it's a gift to be different...
hmmm i miss the immortalities of a child... the carefreeness that comes with unclouded minds... i often wish i could return to my days of glory... the world was at my very fingertips and i could do whatever i pleased with it...
And I'll be back
When the day is new...
And I'll have more
ideas for you
And you'll have things
You'll want to talk about...
I will too.
for one i will refrain me from being my usual self-centered, self-involved self... with a little exception of some self-reflection about my childhood...
well if you don't know already mr. rogers died today... and it saddens me to think he was a victim of malicious rumors about beinh gay or a pervert... this was just a man who wanted to help children gain confidence... he taught the little girl in me so much... to not be afraid to make friends, to share, to use your imagination, to never second guess yourself, and most importantly that it was ok to be who you were... it was a sort of comfort to believe in such safe a neighborhood... and he would always be there to tell me something interesting or let me learn a new thing... its just come to such a shock that he actually died this morning... some of you might laugh at my sympathies for such a man... but he really helped me to accept myself as a child... its hard to be young and feel estranged by who you are... its hard growing up without a mr rogers to watch and learn from that it's a gift to be different...
hmmm i miss the immortalities of a child... the carefreeness that comes with unclouded minds... i often wish i could return to my days of glory... the world was at my very fingertips and i could do whatever i pleased with it...
And I'll be back
When the day is new...
And I'll have more
ideas for you
And you'll have things
You'll want to talk about...
I will too.
this heart of mine was broken at 2:19:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
so i suppose i guessed right... and i kinda wish i wasnt that time... i didnt see him yet again and he didnt even call to tell me... and i knew this deep down inside that he would flake yet again... get the hint, moron... he doesnt give a sh*t about you! its kinda funny how pathetic im getting... just living off uncertain hopes and i can actually see it killing me slowly... watching the clock, seeing time pass by quickly but not quickly enough that it makes the pain pass any faster or any less, hoping starts to make your heart ache as it diminishes by the second... that's what love did to me... that's me waiting for my jungle boy that never comes... so now i will rename jungle boy's alter ego: jungle Guy! i hope this doesnt make things confusing...
anyway, i heard his voice on the phone today... usually i let other people call for me... so today a samurai sword split my already tore-up heart in two... god! it hurts to hear the uncaring voice on the other end... the voice that will never show any more affection towards me... the voive that i will never hear say "i love you babe" ever again, the way i liked him to say it... like he yearned for me or that he might break if i dont feel the same... *sigh so his valentine gift consisted of a flipside shirt, his chapstick creation, and fresh flowers... which he hasnt given me yet... but i cant wait to get them... i will keep them forever and ever... yes im lame and sound absolutely disgustingly hopeless but f*cking let me relish this knowledge of what im getting... sheesh... akk! i must sleep... spanish test tomorrow! k bye
so i suppose i guessed right... and i kinda wish i wasnt that time... i didnt see him yet again and he didnt even call to tell me... and i knew this deep down inside that he would flake yet again... get the hint, moron... he doesnt give a sh*t about you! its kinda funny how pathetic im getting... just living off uncertain hopes and i can actually see it killing me slowly... watching the clock, seeing time pass by quickly but not quickly enough that it makes the pain pass any faster or any less, hoping starts to make your heart ache as it diminishes by the second... that's what love did to me... that's me waiting for my jungle boy that never comes... so now i will rename jungle boy's alter ego: jungle Guy! i hope this doesnt make things confusing...
anyway, i heard his voice on the phone today... usually i let other people call for me... so today a samurai sword split my already tore-up heart in two... god! it hurts to hear the uncaring voice on the other end... the voice that will never show any more affection towards me... the voive that i will never hear say "i love you babe" ever again, the way i liked him to say it... like he yearned for me or that he might break if i dont feel the same... *sigh so his valentine gift consisted of a flipside shirt, his chapstick creation, and fresh flowers... which he hasnt given me yet... but i cant wait to get them... i will keep them forever and ever... yes im lame and sound absolutely disgustingly hopeless but f*cking let me relish this knowledge of what im getting... sheesh... akk! i must sleep... spanish test tomorrow! k bye
this heart of mine was broken at 12:55:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
Dear heart,
i apologize for the lack of content in todays entree... its my preoccupation on furiously writing my poetry... i dunno, just been inspired lately... doesnt happen a lot for Inspiration is a very rare visitor... *sigh i love it when my pain transforms to beauty... its quite soothing... so feel free to read my poems...
[[ quote of the moment ]]
"Letting go of the past doesn't necessarily mean forgetting it"
i apologize for the lack of content in todays entree... its my preoccupation on furiously writing my poetry... i dunno, just been inspired lately... doesnt happen a lot for Inspiration is a very rare visitor... *sigh i love it when my pain transforms to beauty... its quite soothing... so feel free to read my poems...
[[ quote of the moment ]]
"Letting go of the past doesn't necessarily mean forgetting it"
this heart of mine was broken at 1:03:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
Dear heart,
so begins the torturous countdown to D-day... hmm, im still quite unsure as to what exactly d-day is supposed to mean, but everyone in the movies always use it to describe an important day... so tomorrow night is appointed the time when he gives me my valentines day stuff... a week and 5 days later i'm finally going to see him again... i will finally get to look into the eyes of the new jungle boy... though futile, im gonna search his soul for whatever remains of who he used to be... it's gonna be strange to meet this unwelcomed stranger...
im not even sure what i wanted to accomplish or gain with this one last meeting... did i want him to tell me he missed me then kiss me? so i can keep my hopes up that he still cares and im in his heart deep down inside... i will drive away happy because that's all i wanted to know, confused because he's still not with me, and angry that i will have to live more days of uncertainty...or did i want him to treat me coldly? act aloof and say "sup foo" like im some insignificant nobody... then i can drive away mad as hell hating every last atom of him, resenting any and every memory we once shared, and eventually forgetting him in the future... sure it'll hurt like crazy... yeah, its gonna rip my heart to shreds... but maybe its the easier way... to just be able to hate him... not hate him because i love him, but hate him because he's an *sshole...
my heart aches to see the preview of events that will take place tomorrow... i absolutely hate suprises... especially when you have a feeling that it's going to be 92.57% chance of it being bad... i suggested me picking it up after school today but no... he wanted wednesday night... "i'll call you" he says... i can laugh at his face considering how many times he's said that and me watching that phone waiting for it to ring... when it never does... i could kill him for putting me thru this hell... or maybe im putting me thru this?
so trying to analize the whole timing thing that he chose, i get the following conclusions: 1. he probably has plans for the afternoon with a f*ck buddy and plans on getting some before work today 2. he thinks there wont be enough time to talk or see each other (if that's even what he wants) 3. he wanted to prepare for the worst and needed a day to do this 4. he thinks he can f*ck me tomorrow night, hence the choice of night time and now day 5. that might be the only time from his busy "f*cking girls then tagging" schedule 6. he didnt make it tonight because he has someone to f*ck this evening
my there are so many "f*ck" reasons i came up with... am i really that suspicious? and i dont know which way to look up or down... either way it hurts... having faith just kills you if you're wrong... but being paranoid eats you up while you wait n shoots you down when you're right... i think im loving him less... its only when i talk about how things used to be that i forget where we are now in lieu of our relationships destruction... i need a nap before work... g'nights!
so begins the torturous countdown to D-day... hmm, im still quite unsure as to what exactly d-day is supposed to mean, but everyone in the movies always use it to describe an important day... so tomorrow night is appointed the time when he gives me my valentines day stuff... a week and 5 days later i'm finally going to see him again... i will finally get to look into the eyes of the new jungle boy... though futile, im gonna search his soul for whatever remains of who he used to be... it's gonna be strange to meet this unwelcomed stranger...
im not even sure what i wanted to accomplish or gain with this one last meeting... did i want him to tell me he missed me then kiss me? so i can keep my hopes up that he still cares and im in his heart deep down inside... i will drive away happy because that's all i wanted to know, confused because he's still not with me, and angry that i will have to live more days of uncertainty...or did i want him to treat me coldly? act aloof and say "sup foo" like im some insignificant nobody... then i can drive away mad as hell hating every last atom of him, resenting any and every memory we once shared, and eventually forgetting him in the future... sure it'll hurt like crazy... yeah, its gonna rip my heart to shreds... but maybe its the easier way... to just be able to hate him... not hate him because i love him, but hate him because he's an *sshole...
my heart aches to see the preview of events that will take place tomorrow... i absolutely hate suprises... especially when you have a feeling that it's going to be 92.57% chance of it being bad... i suggested me picking it up after school today but no... he wanted wednesday night... "i'll call you" he says... i can laugh at his face considering how many times he's said that and me watching that phone waiting for it to ring... when it never does... i could kill him for putting me thru this hell... or maybe im putting me thru this?
so trying to analize the whole timing thing that he chose, i get the following conclusions: 1. he probably has plans for the afternoon with a f*ck buddy and plans on getting some before work today 2. he thinks there wont be enough time to talk or see each other (if that's even what he wants) 3. he wanted to prepare for the worst and needed a day to do this 4. he thinks he can f*ck me tomorrow night, hence the choice of night time and now day 5. that might be the only time from his busy "f*cking girls then tagging" schedule 6. he didnt make it tonight because he has someone to f*ck this evening
my there are so many "f*ck" reasons i came up with... am i really that suspicious? and i dont know which way to look up or down... either way it hurts... having faith just kills you if you're wrong... but being paranoid eats you up while you wait n shoots you down when you're right... i think im loving him less... its only when i talk about how things used to be that i forget where we are now in lieu of our relationships destruction... i need a nap before work... g'nights!
this heart of mine was broken at 1:42:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, February 24, 2003
Dear heart,
so i reckon i dont love him anymore... i think i loved the jungle boy i knew... whether that was really him or just an act, that's the man i love... at first it was really hard to accept it but people change... or maybe he just stopped pretending to be someone else and decided to be his own self for a change... this is who he is now and i have to understand that... the boy who used to tell me it was his job to make me happy, the same boy who would have done anything for me, the boy who loved me with all his heart- he's gone... he is never coming back no matter how long i wait or how much i still love him... none of that is going to make a difference... he's moved on and im still stuck in the same limbo between the past i cant leave behind and the present i should be living...
gosh! this is like the hardest part ever... finally the moment of truth has come and im faced with the bitter reality of being alone... so i hold my heart now in yet another heap of broken pieces and cant fully figure out where to go from here... i dont think i can even cry anymore... i dont think i'd let me do that to myself anymore... i've just come to that point where it just hurts so much that my tear glands are going into shock...
people are telling me to work on my spiritual life... that i need god to get through this... but i wouldnt know how to start believing out of the blue... it just seems so convenient of me to just one day believe in god when im alone and hopeless... but when im in love and happy, do i take the time to ponder about what could be causing all this joy? it sucks to be such a fair-weathered friend to a great being... like "please oh please help me get through this" and when he does, i dont think ive ever given him a thank you... or maybe a few times but it was like i blurted out "thank god!" i just find it quite sad to treat beliefs like that... as a form of shelter until you;re better... or maybe i just dont understnad this whole spirituality thing...
eh i need to work out... i'll ponder this later...
[[ quote of the moment ]]
"Religion is for those who are scared to death of hell. Spirituality is for those who have been there."
- some theologian dude
so i reckon i dont love him anymore... i think i loved the jungle boy i knew... whether that was really him or just an act, that's the man i love... at first it was really hard to accept it but people change... or maybe he just stopped pretending to be someone else and decided to be his own self for a change... this is who he is now and i have to understand that... the boy who used to tell me it was his job to make me happy, the same boy who would have done anything for me, the boy who loved me with all his heart- he's gone... he is never coming back no matter how long i wait or how much i still love him... none of that is going to make a difference... he's moved on and im still stuck in the same limbo between the past i cant leave behind and the present i should be living...
gosh! this is like the hardest part ever... finally the moment of truth has come and im faced with the bitter reality of being alone... so i hold my heart now in yet another heap of broken pieces and cant fully figure out where to go from here... i dont think i can even cry anymore... i dont think i'd let me do that to myself anymore... i've just come to that point where it just hurts so much that my tear glands are going into shock...
people are telling me to work on my spiritual life... that i need god to get through this... but i wouldnt know how to start believing out of the blue... it just seems so convenient of me to just one day believe in god when im alone and hopeless... but when im in love and happy, do i take the time to ponder about what could be causing all this joy? it sucks to be such a fair-weathered friend to a great being... like "please oh please help me get through this" and when he does, i dont think ive ever given him a thank you... or maybe a few times but it was like i blurted out "thank god!" i just find it quite sad to treat beliefs like that... as a form of shelter until you;re better... or maybe i just dont understnad this whole spirituality thing...
eh i need to work out... i'll ponder this later...
[[ quote of the moment ]]
"Religion is for those who are scared to death of hell. Spirituality is for those who have been there."
- some theologian dude
this heart of mine was broken at 9:52:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
sometimes you’re wrong about some people... its just so hard to admit it to yourself and accept them for who they really are and not who you thought they were... the way jungle boy is acting now is so-not-how-he-used to be... i could never have imagined him ever treat me so inferiorly... like he doesn’t even make the effort to be my friend anymore... the course of not even a few days can really change people and it hurts... why is it so easy for him to just forget everything? i mean, i really thought i perfected that attitude... but my fatal error came when i started caring...
i still remember those weeks of total immortality... i was going out with 3 guys and was having the best time of my life... i had noel who loved me, jungle boy who i had fun with, and john who was fine as hell... (refer to december archived files) i knew there was something between jungle boy and i that i never had with either noel or john... but i tried to ignored it cuz i was on top of the world and i had forgotten how dangerous feeling genuine love was for me... so i had fun... i dated like any girl would... i chilled with them but scheduled at different times... noel in the morning till the afternoon, john from afternoon wen i leave noel until before it gets dark, and jungle had me after than and all night... so as you can see, my life was fool proof... didn’t think i’d care enough to wanna just date one person... i mean, i hadn’t been single for awhile now... this was my chance to experience attention...
but eventually i just started branching off from the 2 insignificant ones... spent more time with jungle boy because i found any second with him was worth more than hours with the other two... the day all hell broke loose was january 6... this was about the time i first started taking my pill so i got really sick... but i went to visit him after school anyway at his work... he was just so happy saying stuff like “o my GOSH, babe! there’s no girl in that school that can compare to you. you’re so great!” so even though all i wanted to do was lie down, i felt like a million bucks... i just came to visit him... didn’t seem like a big deal to me but to him it was... now at this point, he had said those 3 little words but just to play around... i always told him to never say it unless he meant it or one day he will say it and i wont believe him... well he said it that day and i just laughed at his face as i always did when he said it and warned him the same warning i always give him about the boy who cried wolf... but he was insistent on meaning it this time... so i went home pondering the validity of his claim... and the next two days he kept telling me that and my answer was a mere “babe, please don’t say things you don’t mean”... well wednesday night he came to visit me... we watched ice age and the rest of lilo and stitch... well this one time he was kissing me and hugging me, i just whispered “i love you”... and that sent a jolt throughout my whole body... don’t think i’ve ever meant those words more than that very second and it scared me... it was like falling in love for the first time... i wanted to cry and laugh all at the same time... and hearing it back was absolutely the most beautiful thing ever... i cant even come to explain how right it felt...
this was the integral turnabout and downfall of my immortality... i gave up everyone for the love of this boy... i realized how much more real this was than anything i ever went through with noel... i never thought i’d ever have this much fun just being with a guy... so i slowly let the stone walls of my heart crumble... i let him in and i was invited to his fortress as well... i was happy, he was happy- life was good... i was in love once again and i didn’t think anything could ruin it this time... but i was wrong... one day, he just started to rebuild his again without telling me and i was locked out without a key... i stood outside those walls waiting to be let in again but he never comes... and in a way, im still waiting there...
i don’t know why i keep bringing the past that should have been long buried... its just my way of laughing in the dark... i know i’m torturing myself with happy thoughts... but i can’t bring myself to dwell upon the harshness of my reality... like today i said hi to him and no response at all... funny how silence seems to be the most deafening sound of all... its like a cold slap in the face telling me he doesn’t give a sh*t about me me anymore...
move on, you moron! you know better! but i cant... because the past is the anchor that weighs me down and i’m immobile until i see him one more time... pathetic n sad... i cant believe i’ve returned to this spineless girl who can’t see the cold truth that’s in front of her... he doesn’t love you anymore, joanne... why cant you just swallow that? why can you write it to yourself and still not believe it? are u THAT stupid? i guess its that idiotic thing called blind hope and your never-ending faith on the powers of love... don’t worry- you’ll see... it’s not worth it and one day you’ll become an even more cold-hearted b*tch than you were before... and you will be able to smile at the pain of those wretched broken-hearted boys... muahahaha!
that is- until you meet another boy who just touches your heart and turns my world upside down... cuz there are those rare people you just fall in love with for no reason... and you forget all your defenses from past lessons... you let yourself love and love the loving... until the cycle repeats itself and you’ll be writing the same stupid entrée about your broken heart... i guess you’ll never learn... i’m ashamed to call you myself... ugh! you irk me so.
[[ random text from another blog ]]
sometimes you wish
that your wish
would mean more than just a wish
to someone else
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away
sometimes you’re wrong about some people... its just so hard to admit it to yourself and accept them for who they really are and not who you thought they were... the way jungle boy is acting now is so-not-how-he-used to be... i could never have imagined him ever treat me so inferiorly... like he doesn’t even make the effort to be my friend anymore... the course of not even a few days can really change people and it hurts... why is it so easy for him to just forget everything? i mean, i really thought i perfected that attitude... but my fatal error came when i started caring...
i still remember those weeks of total immortality... i was going out with 3 guys and was having the best time of my life... i had noel who loved me, jungle boy who i had fun with, and john who was fine as hell... (refer to december archived files) i knew there was something between jungle boy and i that i never had with either noel or john... but i tried to ignored it cuz i was on top of the world and i had forgotten how dangerous feeling genuine love was for me... so i had fun... i dated like any girl would... i chilled with them but scheduled at different times... noel in the morning till the afternoon, john from afternoon wen i leave noel until before it gets dark, and jungle had me after than and all night... so as you can see, my life was fool proof... didn’t think i’d care enough to wanna just date one person... i mean, i hadn’t been single for awhile now... this was my chance to experience attention...
but eventually i just started branching off from the 2 insignificant ones... spent more time with jungle boy because i found any second with him was worth more than hours with the other two... the day all hell broke loose was january 6... this was about the time i first started taking my pill so i got really sick... but i went to visit him after school anyway at his work... he was just so happy saying stuff like “o my GOSH, babe! there’s no girl in that school that can compare to you. you’re so great!” so even though all i wanted to do was lie down, i felt like a million bucks... i just came to visit him... didn’t seem like a big deal to me but to him it was... now at this point, he had said those 3 little words but just to play around... i always told him to never say it unless he meant it or one day he will say it and i wont believe him... well he said it that day and i just laughed at his face as i always did when he said it and warned him the same warning i always give him about the boy who cried wolf... but he was insistent on meaning it this time... so i went home pondering the validity of his claim... and the next two days he kept telling me that and my answer was a mere “babe, please don’t say things you don’t mean”... well wednesday night he came to visit me... we watched ice age and the rest of lilo and stitch... well this one time he was kissing me and hugging me, i just whispered “i love you”... and that sent a jolt throughout my whole body... don’t think i’ve ever meant those words more than that very second and it scared me... it was like falling in love for the first time... i wanted to cry and laugh all at the same time... and hearing it back was absolutely the most beautiful thing ever... i cant even come to explain how right it felt...
this was the integral turnabout and downfall of my immortality... i gave up everyone for the love of this boy... i realized how much more real this was than anything i ever went through with noel... i never thought i’d ever have this much fun just being with a guy... so i slowly let the stone walls of my heart crumble... i let him in and i was invited to his fortress as well... i was happy, he was happy- life was good... i was in love once again and i didn’t think anything could ruin it this time... but i was wrong... one day, he just started to rebuild his again without telling me and i was locked out without a key... i stood outside those walls waiting to be let in again but he never comes... and in a way, im still waiting there...
i don’t know why i keep bringing the past that should have been long buried... its just my way of laughing in the dark... i know i’m torturing myself with happy thoughts... but i can’t bring myself to dwell upon the harshness of my reality... like today i said hi to him and no response at all... funny how silence seems to be the most deafening sound of all... its like a cold slap in the face telling me he doesn’t give a sh*t about me me anymore...
move on, you moron! you know better! but i cant... because the past is the anchor that weighs me down and i’m immobile until i see him one more time... pathetic n sad... i cant believe i’ve returned to this spineless girl who can’t see the cold truth that’s in front of her... he doesn’t love you anymore, joanne... why cant you just swallow that? why can you write it to yourself and still not believe it? are u THAT stupid? i guess its that idiotic thing called blind hope and your never-ending faith on the powers of love... don’t worry- you’ll see... it’s not worth it and one day you’ll become an even more cold-hearted b*tch than you were before... and you will be able to smile at the pain of those wretched broken-hearted boys... muahahaha!
that is- until you meet another boy who just touches your heart and turns my world upside down... cuz there are those rare people you just fall in love with for no reason... and you forget all your defenses from past lessons... you let yourself love and love the loving... until the cycle repeats itself and you’ll be writing the same stupid entrée about your broken heart... i guess you’ll never learn... i’m ashamed to call you myself... ugh! you irk me so.
[[ random text from another blog ]]
sometimes you wish
that your wish
would mean more than just a wish
to someone else
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away
this heart of mine was broken at 7:19:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, February 23, 2003
Dear heart,
just letting you know i chickened out of saving myself from ridiculously trememndous pain yet again... im sorry... i unblocked his sn and will wait one more week of torture... if nothing comes about, then im gonna say "f*ck it"... i wish i could just find that guy who used to love me so... he just took a vacation one day and never came back leaving some cold stranger to take his place... i think im partly angry at all this sh*t that im feeling over some guy... i know this because the sides of my shoulders get really hot and i feel like im burning... i guess hate does that to you... i'd rather waste my energy hating the idiot than missing him... both do emerge from the same undeniable fact that yes, i do still sort of love the moron... if i were anyone else, i'd shoot me from stubborness n stupidity...
watch- one day the feeling will fade, i will forget what he meant to me, and he will disappear... its just so hard to find someone these days... like someone who's worth your time... its not even about the looks or the things you guys have in common, its just hard to find someone you can be in love with and have it be ok cuz they love you the same... finding people who have that effect on you, that "click" is just so rare these days...
im aware ive been in love before... but i dont think i ever got along with them as well as me and jungle boy had... seriously, if this lasted a bit longer im sure it would have been a really awesome relationship... something real for a change... no superficialities, no illusions, just love... it was like he was the best lover ever but at the same time the bestest friend too... like he always listened, i think thats why i liked him... so interested in what i said or even when he didnt agree or thought i was kinda werid for thinking one way, he would always take the time to hear every word... he used to let me read to him just to hear my voice... i told him the stories i wrote and he actually liked him... i just showed him who i was and it was great how he accepted everything and vice versa... just remembering this one time he made the name "chessika" for me and i got all excited cuz i thought the name was soooo cool... and he said "babe, i LOVE that about you!" just him saying that made me feel the exact same way... the little things he said that meant everything to me that it touched me so deeply it stung... and talking about him would make me squeal in delight... it was just one of those uncontrollable reactions to the thought of him... but i guess he is pretty stupid for giving up the one girl who felt that way about him... guys are pretty funny... pretty stupid too... yeah, they're both but minus the pretty...
[[ random text from a 13-year-old's blog ]]
welcome to my nightmare
where i see
only things i despise
i am beyond redemption
the infection deludes me
i can wash away every drop of blood from THESE walls
but...
the walls of my mind will remain stained
the voices in my head wont shut up
they poison my mind
kinda makes you wonder what the youth of today are going thru...
just letting you know i chickened out of saving myself from ridiculously trememndous pain yet again... im sorry... i unblocked his sn and will wait one more week of torture... if nothing comes about, then im gonna say "f*ck it"... i wish i could just find that guy who used to love me so... he just took a vacation one day and never came back leaving some cold stranger to take his place... i think im partly angry at all this sh*t that im feeling over some guy... i know this because the sides of my shoulders get really hot and i feel like im burning... i guess hate does that to you... i'd rather waste my energy hating the idiot than missing him... both do emerge from the same undeniable fact that yes, i do still sort of love the moron... if i were anyone else, i'd shoot me from stubborness n stupidity...
watch- one day the feeling will fade, i will forget what he meant to me, and he will disappear... its just so hard to find someone these days... like someone who's worth your time... its not even about the looks or the things you guys have in common, its just hard to find someone you can be in love with and have it be ok cuz they love you the same... finding people who have that effect on you, that "click" is just so rare these days...
im aware ive been in love before... but i dont think i ever got along with them as well as me and jungle boy had... seriously, if this lasted a bit longer im sure it would have been a really awesome relationship... something real for a change... no superficialities, no illusions, just love... it was like he was the best lover ever but at the same time the bestest friend too... like he always listened, i think thats why i liked him... so interested in what i said or even when he didnt agree or thought i was kinda werid for thinking one way, he would always take the time to hear every word... he used to let me read to him just to hear my voice... i told him the stories i wrote and he actually liked him... i just showed him who i was and it was great how he accepted everything and vice versa... just remembering this one time he made the name "chessika" for me and i got all excited cuz i thought the name was soooo cool... and he said "babe, i LOVE that about you!" just him saying that made me feel the exact same way... the little things he said that meant everything to me that it touched me so deeply it stung... and talking about him would make me squeal in delight... it was just one of those uncontrollable reactions to the thought of him... but i guess he is pretty stupid for giving up the one girl who felt that way about him... guys are pretty funny... pretty stupid too... yeah, they're both but minus the pretty...
[[ random text from a 13-year-old's blog ]]
welcome to my nightmare
where i see
only things i despise
i am beyond redemption
the infection deludes me
i can wash away every drop of blood from THESE walls
but...
the walls of my mind will remain stained
the voices in my head wont shut up
they poison my mind
kinda makes you wonder what the youth of today are going thru...
this heart of mine was broken at 1:48:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
its quite difficult to forget someone who's engraved in the depths of your heart... i mean, i am facing reality... his love or whatever thats left of it is dying or maybe has been dead for quite some time now... its just hard to see it happen before my very eyes... to become so unimportant to the one person who means the world to you... it can literally kill a person deep down inside... i dont know why im letting it actually happen to me... i can just take him outta my buddy list n block him forever... and he wont ever even know it...
i guess i cant help but be a little hurt right now... he could have taken 2 seconds to just call me and let me pick up the stuff... but no, he decided to go to a f*cking party when i thought he couldnt go out... you know wut? i dont have to be going thru this, i really dont... i wont anymore... i just blocked him and that was my only way of contact... he wont call me so the phone thing wont be a problem cuz i surely wont call him...
good bye to the boy i used to know, the boy i used to love, and the boy who i used to think the world of... you died today and now i can forget you...
its quite difficult to forget someone who's engraved in the depths of your heart... i mean, i am facing reality... his love or whatever thats left of it is dying or maybe has been dead for quite some time now... its just hard to see it happen before my very eyes... to become so unimportant to the one person who means the world to you... it can literally kill a person deep down inside... i dont know why im letting it actually happen to me... i can just take him outta my buddy list n block him forever... and he wont ever even know it...
i guess i cant help but be a little hurt right now... he could have taken 2 seconds to just call me and let me pick up the stuff... but no, he decided to go to a f*cking party when i thought he couldnt go out... you know wut? i dont have to be going thru this, i really dont... i wont anymore... i just blocked him and that was my only way of contact... he wont call me so the phone thing wont be a problem cuz i surely wont call him...
good bye to the boy i used to know, the boy i used to love, and the boy who i used to think the world of... you died today and now i can forget you...
this heart of mine was broken at 1:25:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, February 22, 2003
Dear heart,
talking to boys are very educational most of the time... they are good decoders for odd boy behaviors... i was talking to a friend till like 3 last night and i was explaining to him my relationship with jungle boy, in hopes that he could find the reason how something so right could end so wrongly... so he listened to me squealing and gushing about the boy that i love most, and this is what he concluded... remember the incidents prior to the start of the relationships decay? he had called me on monday and it seems i could have stopped by to see him, even though he was in trouble since he thought he could use the phone already... so we had a raincheck for the next day and he was supposed to call me... but he didnt... so i was all mad and i decided to call him but his dad said he wasnt home... i took it as jungle boy finding the opportunity to go out and chose that instead of seeing me... this was quite an insult since i always made the effort to see him and it was just rude to do so... but what i didnt know is that his dad was trippin again and he really wasnt allowed to use the phone, just that day... and when the dad said he wasnt home, he meant he was outside in the garage... so i came home and got online...
this was the convo:
* VOLCOM : mauh
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Auto response from P I N K LunatiK :
Continually failing these trials
but you stand by me nonetheless
Phone calls from further away
& messages on my machine,
but I don't ever tell you this distance
seems terrible.
There is no need to test my heart,
with useless space.
These roads go on forever
there'll always be a place
for you
in my heart...
& so do you and I.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
VOLCOM : muah
P I N K LunatiK : hey
P I N K LunatiK : wut happened to u
VOLCOM : i love u
P I N K LunatiK : no u dont
VOLCOM : ill brb'
P I N K LunatiK : where'd u go
VOLCOM : i have to shower still
VOLCOM : brb babe
VOLCOM : stay on
P I N K LunatiK : i was supposed to see u, remember?
P I N K LunatiK : *sigh
P I N K LunatiK : i'll try
VOLCOM : my pops was tripin
VOLCOM : hes a bitch
P I N K LunatiK : but u weren home
VOLCOM : ill call u tosay i miss u ok
P I N K LunatiK : k
VOLCOM : brb
P I N K LunatiK : if im not online wen u get back, just calkl
P I N K LunatiK : im not sleeping, my dad unplugged the internet
P I N K LunatiK : k bye
VOLCOM : your not there
P I N K LunatiK : im here
VOLCOM signed off at 11:45:30 PM.
*screen name changed to protect privacy
see! notice the way i pushed him away... this was the worst he has ever felt when getting into a fight with his dad... he only seemed to be in a good mood because he saw me online... then later it fell apart wen i kept b*tchin at him for nothing n being all selfish... i wouldnt even believe that his dad was trippin again... just thought he was making up stories so i wouldnt get mad... i just never thought how he'd never lie to me... because u know wut, i know he wouldn't... but at that moment, he felt he lost his best friend and lover... like i just fell off the pedestal he put me above everyone else... and i think he resented me a lot after that... and each day that passes, his love for me dies a little... until one day there wont be any left...
i can feel the distance that grows between us every second that passes... well obviously not reffering to miles, but our closeness... we used to be inseparable... why cant i stop living in the past? i cant even see the empty road without him that lies ahead... i guess its wishful thinking that that was the reason of our break up, and not because he lost interest or found someone else... that he really did love me at a point... i asked him too if he really loved me and his response was "joanne u know i do"... its just comforting... or maybe im just believing what i want to believe... or maybe what i believe is true... i dread the day when i look into his heart and cant find me there... its just too scary to even dwell upon...
talking to boys are very educational most of the time... they are good decoders for odd boy behaviors... i was talking to a friend till like 3 last night and i was explaining to him my relationship with jungle boy, in hopes that he could find the reason how something so right could end so wrongly... so he listened to me squealing and gushing about the boy that i love most, and this is what he concluded... remember the incidents prior to the start of the relationships decay? he had called me on monday and it seems i could have stopped by to see him, even though he was in trouble since he thought he could use the phone already... so we had a raincheck for the next day and he was supposed to call me... but he didnt... so i was all mad and i decided to call him but his dad said he wasnt home... i took it as jungle boy finding the opportunity to go out and chose that instead of seeing me... this was quite an insult since i always made the effort to see him and it was just rude to do so... but what i didnt know is that his dad was trippin again and he really wasnt allowed to use the phone, just that day... and when the dad said he wasnt home, he meant he was outside in the garage... so i came home and got online...
this was the convo:
* VOLCOM : mauh
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Auto response from P I N K LunatiK :
Continually failing these trials
but you stand by me nonetheless
Phone calls from further away
& messages on my machine,
but I don't ever tell you this distance
seems terrible.
There is no need to test my heart,
with useless space.
These roads go on forever
there'll always be a place
for you
in my heart...
& so do you and I.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
VOLCOM : muah
P I N K LunatiK : hey
P I N K LunatiK : wut happened to u
VOLCOM : i love u
P I N K LunatiK : no u dont
VOLCOM : ill brb'
P I N K LunatiK : where'd u go
VOLCOM : i have to shower still
VOLCOM : brb babe
VOLCOM : stay on
P I N K LunatiK : i was supposed to see u, remember?
P I N K LunatiK : *sigh
P I N K LunatiK : i'll try
VOLCOM : my pops was tripin
VOLCOM : hes a bitch
P I N K LunatiK : but u weren home
VOLCOM : ill call u tosay i miss u ok
P I N K LunatiK : k
VOLCOM : brb
P I N K LunatiK : if im not online wen u get back, just calkl
P I N K LunatiK : im not sleeping, my dad unplugged the internet
P I N K LunatiK : k bye
VOLCOM : your not there
P I N K LunatiK : im here
VOLCOM signed off at 11:45:30 PM.
*screen name changed to protect privacy
see! notice the way i pushed him away... this was the worst he has ever felt when getting into a fight with his dad... he only seemed to be in a good mood because he saw me online... then later it fell apart wen i kept b*tchin at him for nothing n being all selfish... i wouldnt even believe that his dad was trippin again... just thought he was making up stories so i wouldnt get mad... i just never thought how he'd never lie to me... because u know wut, i know he wouldn't... but at that moment, he felt he lost his best friend and lover... like i just fell off the pedestal he put me above everyone else... and i think he resented me a lot after that... and each day that passes, his love for me dies a little... until one day there wont be any left...
i can feel the distance that grows between us every second that passes... well obviously not reffering to miles, but our closeness... we used to be inseparable... why cant i stop living in the past? i cant even see the empty road without him that lies ahead... i guess its wishful thinking that that was the reason of our break up, and not because he lost interest or found someone else... that he really did love me at a point... i asked him too if he really loved me and his response was "joanne u know i do"... its just comforting... or maybe im just believing what i want to believe... or maybe what i believe is true... i dread the day when i look into his heart and cant find me there... its just too scary to even dwell upon...
this heart of mine was broken at 12:16:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, February 20, 2003
Dear heart,
i have this overwhelming feeling inside that i cant fully explain... it feels like my heart is going to burst with a thousand different moods, and it scares me because something today is touching me much too deeply inside... i suppose getting into an accident forces you to put your life into perspective... like im just incredibly thankful for all the people in my life i usually take for granted... all the tiny miracles that happen every day that we dont think twice about: like getting to work safe or getting to pick up my little sister from school and see her smile when she walks toward the car... akk! my stomach feels like its knotting just thinking about all this... i may be getting a tad bit dramatic, but i cant help it...
i heard a song by norah jones called don't know why and it just wrenched the emotion out of me... im getting hot flashes just listening to it... haha...
you know, i'll get through this sh*t hole stage of my life... and one day, i'll forget all that's happened with some minor yet important distraction in life... temporary relief from all this drama... MMmmm... i want peace... sweet peace...
[[ random blog text of the moment ]]
Forecast for Thurs Feb 20th 100% chance of failure with scattered patches of false hope.
[[ quote of the moment ]]
"In order to be irreplaceable, one must always remain different."
i have this overwhelming feeling inside that i cant fully explain... it feels like my heart is going to burst with a thousand different moods, and it scares me because something today is touching me much too deeply inside... i suppose getting into an accident forces you to put your life into perspective... like im just incredibly thankful for all the people in my life i usually take for granted... all the tiny miracles that happen every day that we dont think twice about: like getting to work safe or getting to pick up my little sister from school and see her smile when she walks toward the car... akk! my stomach feels like its knotting just thinking about all this... i may be getting a tad bit dramatic, but i cant help it...
i heard a song by norah jones called don't know why and it just wrenched the emotion out of me... im getting hot flashes just listening to it... haha...
you know, i'll get through this sh*t hole stage of my life... and one day, i'll forget all that's happened with some minor yet important distraction in life... temporary relief from all this drama... MMmmm... i want peace... sweet peace...
[[ random blog text of the moment ]]
Forecast for Thurs Feb 20th 100% chance of failure with scattered patches of false hope.
[[ quote of the moment ]]
"In order to be irreplaceable, one must always remain different."
this heart of mine was broken at 10:24:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
Dear heart,
what started out to be a quite positive day ended up being a wreck! and no pun intended... i went to school and saw jungle boy's lookalike
in my speech class... seeing him always comforts me for some reason... the lecture wasnt all too boring and the tall guy sat in front of me so i got to hide behind him and write a poem about my secret obsession 
with the clone... i proceded to meet up with milo and i ate... which is always a good thing... although i didnt end up doing my lab or going to my greek mythology class AGAIN! dude i swear im slacking like a loadie... 
we heard about some male awareness thingy so we went and got all this free sh*t... i got a buncha axe deodorant bodyspray... i can get off that sh*t ya know... and scented condoms i know i will never use... but free stuff is always something to be excited about! 
rock on!
well when i was stopped at the light to leave school, a cute boy in the car
next to me said hi... i was really suprised cuz at first he glanced over 
then looked straight ahead again... i thought to myself "cute" but that was it... suddenly he's rolling down his windows and asking me for my name, if i have a boyfriend, and for my number... hehe i gave the answer to all three... he called and we talked n i think i have a date 
tomorrow... weeee!
so i took a good long nap
before work but i guess it was too good and too long cuz i was almost late... and i remembered that i was running on empty and i had to get gas... but on my turn to the gas station, a stupid hairy 
man rams his ugly crown victoria into my beautiful baby sex car... i was so freaking scared! ive never been in a car accident before... so i was almost sh*tting 
in my pants when this burly old dude comes out screaming the f-word fifty 
million times... 
this is about the time when my day was killed...
akk! i swear to god! all this stupid sh*t always happens to me! why o why?!
why cant i just be given one nice day with nothing ruining anything else? huh? answer me that! i dont believe my luck... can you? 
what started out to be a quite positive day ended up being a wreck! and no pun intended... i went to school and saw jungle boy's lookalike
in my speech class... seeing him always comforts me for some reason... the lecture wasnt all too boring and the tall guy sat in front of me so i got to hide behind him and write a poem about my secret obsession with the clone... i proceded to meet up with milo and i ate... which is always a good thing... although i didnt end up doing my lab or going to my greek mythology class AGAIN! dude i swear im slacking like a loadie... we heard about some male awareness thingy so we went and got all this free sh*t... i got a buncha axe deodorant bodyspray... i can get off that sh*t ya know... and scented condoms i know i will never use... but free stuff is always something to be excited about! rock on!
well when i was stopped at the light to leave school, a cute boy in the car
next to me said hi... i was really suprised cuz at first he glanced over then looked straight ahead again... i thought to myself "cute" but that was it... suddenly he's rolling down his windows and asking me for my name, if i have a boyfriend, and for my number... hehe i gave the answer to all three... he called and we talked n i think i have a date tomorrow... weeee!
so i took a good long nap
before work but i guess it was too good and too long cuz i was almost late... and i remembered that i was running on empty and i had to get gas... but on my turn to the gas station, a stupid hairy man rams his ugly crown victoria into my beautiful baby sex car... i was so freaking scared! ive never been in a car accident before... so i was almost sh*tting in my pants when this burly old dude comes out screaming the f-word fifty million times... this is about the time when my day was killed...
akk! i swear to god! all this stupid sh*t always happens to me! why o why?!
why cant i just be given one nice day with nothing ruining anything else? huh? answer me that! i dont believe my luck... can you?
this heart of mine was broken at 9:50:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
Dear heart,
i thought of something today after reading my other sister's joural... she has this section on her definitions of love and it made me rethink what i used to have... if what me and jungle boy had was love, then why wasnt it forever? if it wasnt, then why could i understand almost every example she gave?! just reading about her valentines day reminded me of how beautiful love is... ive forgotten somehow after all this sh*t that ive been thru... ive even learned to resent it and question the purpose of its existence... but seeing their love made me believe again- that its possible... love is out there somewhere, for all of us i think...
i am going to take the time to apologize for my past cynicism about the validity of love... i guess that's what a broken heart does to you... you feel a bit of ugliness from the already not-so-perfect world, and then u deny all the beauty you saw in the first place... not the way to go... because take a look around... do you see the smiles that people wear? do you see the love that fills the air? (oo that rhymes) well just think- if you open your heart then you can be a part of all the joy that you see around you... just stop and smell the roses, forget the aphids and the thorns for just one second and relish its sweet smell... hmm i dont really like that rose fragrance so lets say the jasmine flower...
*sigh get ready for a breakthru moment for clarity and realization:
i loved jungle boy and he love me... but what we had wasnt love... there i said it- i finally admitted it to myself... its hard to explain how that could be... how loving isnt enuf to actually have it be love... confused? thats ok... basically love is forever... you just dont give up when things get bad... you dont let go even when you think you have no strength left to hold on... its about sticking together thru anything and everything... o that reminds me...
(to lilly, chris is trying to make it up to you and i know you're trying to live with the past and i truly belive that is love... because you guys are still there for each other even when it felt like it had all turned to sh*t... and im sorry that was because of me... i really didnt mean to do it to hurt anybody... i know you might always hate me but i hope one day you can find it in your heart to just let it go... and forgive me... stop hating me so much, it'll just eat you up inside... cuz i havent really thought of the whole chris situation till u made yourself known... hang in there because you're lucky enough to find love... dont ever let that go... that is all)
[[ is everything meant to be broken? ]]
if promises are meant to be broken, then what are hearts for?
i thought of something today after reading my other sister's joural... she has this section on her definitions of love and it made me rethink what i used to have... if what me and jungle boy had was love, then why wasnt it forever? if it wasnt, then why could i understand almost every example she gave?! just reading about her valentines day reminded me of how beautiful love is... ive forgotten somehow after all this sh*t that ive been thru... ive even learned to resent it and question the purpose of its existence... but seeing their love made me believe again- that its possible... love is out there somewhere, for all of us i think...
i am going to take the time to apologize for my past cynicism about the validity of love... i guess that's what a broken heart does to you... you feel a bit of ugliness from the already not-so-perfect world, and then u deny all the beauty you saw in the first place... not the way to go... because take a look around... do you see the smiles that people wear? do you see the love that fills the air? (oo that rhymes) well just think- if you open your heart then you can be a part of all the joy that you see around you... just stop and smell the roses, forget the aphids and the thorns for just one second and relish its sweet smell... hmm i dont really like that rose fragrance so lets say the jasmine flower...
*sigh get ready for a breakthru moment for clarity and realization:
i loved jungle boy and he love me... but what we had wasnt love... there i said it- i finally admitted it to myself... its hard to explain how that could be... how loving isnt enuf to actually have it be love... confused? thats ok... basically love is forever... you just dont give up when things get bad... you dont let go even when you think you have no strength left to hold on... its about sticking together thru anything and everything... o that reminds me...
(to lilly, chris is trying to make it up to you and i know you're trying to live with the past and i truly belive that is love... because you guys are still there for each other even when it felt like it had all turned to sh*t... and im sorry that was because of me... i really didnt mean to do it to hurt anybody... i know you might always hate me but i hope one day you can find it in your heart to just let it go... and forgive me... stop hating me so much, it'll just eat you up inside... cuz i havent really thought of the whole chris situation till u made yourself known... hang in there because you're lucky enough to find love... dont ever let that go... that is all)
[[ is everything meant to be broken? ]]
if promises are meant to be broken, then what are hearts for?
this heart of mine was broken at 11:42:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, February 17, 2003
Dear heart,
from minnie's profile...
"i'll remember the laughter as we go our separate ways, but there's so much we're learning, and we cannot be afraid. there's a world outside our door and nothing in our way, but if it's not what we're both looking for, we'll meet again someday..
maybe nothing lasts forever, not the mountains or the sea, but the times we had together they will always be with me.
you always were a special friend. you knew that; I knew that. Only I knew something more. I knew that I loved you, and I have for so long.
I didn't ask for it to be over, but then again, I really never asked for it to begin. For that's the way it is with life, some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance. But even the most beautiful days eventually have their sunsets..
I think I was totally in love at one time. It felt good. When that stopped, it hurt a lot but in the end, I think it has made me better for it and appreciate what it was. Love is a big deal to me. It'll come again eventually..
There are times when your heart rules your mind. Times when emotions overcome reason and logic. Times when you refuse to do anything except follow your heart no matter what pain may follow just to continue feeling the amazing feeling that has invaded your heart. Those are times of temporary insanity and love."
from minnie's profile...
"i'll remember the laughter as we go our separate ways, but there's so much we're learning, and we cannot be afraid. there's a world outside our door and nothing in our way, but if it's not what we're both looking for, we'll meet again someday..
maybe nothing lasts forever, not the mountains or the sea, but the times we had together they will always be with me.
you always were a special friend. you knew that; I knew that. Only I knew something more. I knew that I loved you, and I have for so long.
I didn't ask for it to be over, but then again, I really never asked for it to begin. For that's the way it is with life, some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance. But even the most beautiful days eventually have their sunsets..
I think I was totally in love at one time. It felt good. When that stopped, it hurt a lot but in the end, I think it has made me better for it and appreciate what it was. Love is a big deal to me. It'll come again eventually..
There are times when your heart rules your mind. Times when emotions overcome reason and logic. Times when you refuse to do anything except follow your heart no matter what pain may follow just to continue feeling the amazing feeling that has invaded your heart. Those are times of temporary insanity and love."
this heart of mine was broken at 11:23:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
the events of the past few days are just causing the biggest drama of my life... i dont think all the stuff noel said about jungle boy was true... i think he added some stuff just to make me think less of jungle boy and more of him... damn! so i was all trippin and heartbroken for nothing...
now im scared jungle boy will find out and stop loving me, if he hasnt already... god! i dont need this now... all i wanted was for the guy i love to love me back... is that so f*cking hard? dammit jungle boy... you're the only person i want in my life... please... just stop this loneliness... stop this stupidity... because i love you... and the part that hurts most is that you used to love me...
[[ noel's quote/advice for me ]]
"if you cant love who you want, then love who you're with"
personally, i totally disagree with that... its like giving up on your love and just settling for the next guy who just happens to be there... maybe he knows deep down inside that the person i love isnt him anymore... that it was never him... i can see the whole tragedy of this whole triangle... the one who loves me is a person i can live with (but wont) but never really love, while the one who doesnt love me is the one person i cant ever live without... sick, sad world to be messing with Fate like that... why cant i just be totally oblivious to what went on between me and jungle boy? all that love- why cant i just forget it? why cant i still be blind to thinking that only looks matter? because now i know what love feels like... i know the feeling you get when another person totally completes/complements your life... when two hearts inadvertantly realize they were meant for each other... *shakes head... love is so cruel
the events of the past few days are just causing the biggest drama of my life... i dont think all the stuff noel said about jungle boy was true... i think he added some stuff just to make me think less of jungle boy and more of him... damn! so i was all trippin and heartbroken for nothing...
now im scared jungle boy will find out and stop loving me, if he hasnt already... god! i dont need this now... all i wanted was for the guy i love to love me back... is that so f*cking hard? dammit jungle boy... you're the only person i want in my life... please... just stop this loneliness... stop this stupidity... because i love you... and the part that hurts most is that you used to love me...
[[ noel's quote/advice for me ]]
"if you cant love who you want, then love who you're with"
personally, i totally disagree with that... its like giving up on your love and just settling for the next guy who just happens to be there... maybe he knows deep down inside that the person i love isnt him anymore... that it was never him... i can see the whole tragedy of this whole triangle... the one who loves me is a person i can live with (but wont) but never really love, while the one who doesnt love me is the one person i cant ever live without... sick, sad world to be messing with Fate like that... why cant i just be totally oblivious to what went on between me and jungle boy? all that love- why cant i just forget it? why cant i still be blind to thinking that only looks matter? because now i know what love feels like... i know the feeling you get when another person totally completes/complements your life... when two hearts inadvertantly realize they were meant for each other... *shakes head... love is so cruel
this heart of mine was broken at 4:53:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
interesting perspective of forrest gump's box of chocolates analogy of life done by the random cigarette man from the X-Files:
"Life... is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. You're stuck with this undefinable whipped-mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while, there's a peanut butter cup, or an English toffee. But they're gone too fast, the taste is fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits, filled with hardened jelly and teeth-crunching nuts, and if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you've got left is a... is an empty box... filled with useless, brown paper wrappers."
interesting perspective of forrest gump's box of chocolates analogy of life done by the random cigarette man from the X-Files:
"Life... is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. You're stuck with this undefinable whipped-mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while, there's a peanut butter cup, or an English toffee. But they're gone too fast, the taste is fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits, filled with hardened jelly and teeth-crunching nuts, and if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you've got left is a... is an empty box... filled with useless, brown paper wrappers."
this heart of mine was broken at 12:51:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, February 16, 2003
Dear heart,
i could tell you how f*cking fun that reggae fest was... i could tell you how packed that place was and how everyone was just so chill... i could tell you that i blazed for the first time in my life... first of all, i smoked a grip but i dont think i really got high... and second, its NEVER gonna happen again cuz all ya'll know im a good girl
... i could tell you about how milo and russ are about the neatest people i've kicked it with in a long time, especially milo... i could tell you about me randomly falling asleep hearing that mellow reggae music... i could tell you how the thought of jungle boy didnt even cross my mind once all night... i could tell you that sean paul sang and it made me wanna jump outta my seat and dance... i could tell you about the expensive food and my meal that cost me $7 bucks plus the $4 lemonade... i could tell you about these really dope bracelets milo let me have making me feel like part of the rastafarian crowd (lol)... i coulda told you about seeing all my old friends... or i could tell you about the smile inside that wouldnt go away...
but i wont because i have homework and i have escuela tomorrow... hehe so too bad for you... so guess you're gonna hafto live with the fact that i wont tell you about my day... 
teeheehee... farewell and good night...
[[ random text ]]
"always together, forever apart"
"i'm much too young to let love break my heart"
"this world's an ugly place, but you're so beautiful to me "
"everything i've done, i've done for you/ i move the stars for no one"
i could tell you how f*cking fun that reggae fest was... i could tell you how packed that place was and how everyone was just so chill... i could tell you that i blazed for the first time in my life... first of all, i smoked a grip but i dont think i really got high... and second, its NEVER gonna happen again cuz all ya'll know im a good girl
... i could tell you about how milo and russ are about the neatest people i've kicked it with in a long time, especially milo... i could tell you about me randomly falling asleep hearing that mellow reggae music... i could tell you how the thought of jungle boy didnt even cross my mind once all night... i could tell you that sean paul sang and it made me wanna jump outta my seat and dance... i could tell you about the expensive food and my meal that cost me $7 bucks plus the $4 lemonade... i could tell you about these really dope bracelets milo let me have making me feel like part of the rastafarian crowd (lol)... i coulda told you about seeing all my old friends... or i could tell you about the smile inside that wouldnt go away...
but i wont because i have homework and i have escuela tomorrow... hehe so too bad for you... so guess you're gonna hafto live with the fact that i wont tell you about my day... teeheehee... farewell and good night...
[[ random text ]]
"always together, forever apart"
"i'm much too young to let love break my heart"
"this world's an ugly place, but you're so beautiful to me "
"everything i've done, i've done for you/ i move the stars for no one"
this heart of mine was broken at 11:54:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
yet another confusing day passes with noel... his recent ex gf starts trippin that i was at murray's house and she didnt end up going to noel's party... bah so much drama i care not to discuss as of this moment...
anyroad, the only source of joy in my life is my newly won auction item from eBay... i FINALLY got my hooters outfit!
ooooh! ahhhhhhh!
teeheehee... this is the only thing making me smile... i got all dressed up and imagined what it would be like to be sexy... oh my, dream on, girl! i took this pic last night with my autosnapshot so if i look a little suprised or unready, thats why... and yes my camera sucks, which rationalizes the blurriness... and dont worry, that extra flab you see on me will soon disappear by this time next month... im working out vigorously to achieve a non-fat body... haha
well now i have more of a reason to smile cuz im getting ready for the bob marley fest... omg i cant wait to go! woohoo!
yet another confusing day passes with noel... his recent ex gf starts trippin that i was at murray's house and she didnt end up going to noel's party... bah so much drama i care not to discuss as of this moment...
anyroad, the only source of joy in my life is my newly won auction item from eBay... i FINALLY got my hooters outfit!
ooooh! ahhhhhhh!
teeheehee... this is the only thing making me smile... i got all dressed up and imagined what it would be like to be sexy... oh my, dream on, girl! i took this pic last night with my autosnapshot so if i look a little suprised or unready, thats why... and yes my camera sucks, which rationalizes the blurriness... and dont worry, that extra flab you see on me will soon disappear by this time next month... im working out vigorously to achieve a non-fat body... haha
well now i have more of a reason to smile cuz im getting ready for the bob marley fest... omg i cant wait to go! woohoo!
this heart of mine was broken at 10:33:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, February 15, 2003
Dear heart,
its quite ironic how things just end up the way they do... i started off the day with milo playing ffx at my house and beating this really hard part for me... then i drop off jungle boy's valentines day present but he was out having lunch with his family... so i left and made my way to save-on to buy something for my mom... well i get a call, and it turns out to be noel... he was just letting me know he had my matrix video so i told him i'd stop by to pick it up since it was on the way anyway... but when i got there we kinda chilled a little and he ended up going with me to save-on... he bought his recent "ex" a present and we just decided to go to the mall...
how incredibly weird just to see him again, needless to say spending valentine's day with him... so we're walking around kinda flirting a little... it felt sort of natural being there with him... and when our hands touched as we were walking, i felt a little akward cuz i felt like i was in eighth grade... you know when the two of you are walking and you hands keep brushing up against each other and eventually you just get to hold hands... o geez... so i took my hand elsewhere and started chewing on my nail... well we wuold have random pauses when he was just hold me from behind or hug me like it was ok... and then walking to the other side of the mall, he was teasing me on how i almost grabbed his hand and then he was showing me and we kinda left it... so there we were, holding hands on valentines day like some couple and i couldnt help but have uncontrolled giggles to myself as the thought crossed my mind...
well, we were waiting in line for food and we were holding each other and he just kissed me... and the feeling of overwhelming sh*t came over me... this boy loved me a lot and i hurt him so bad for someone i loved... life can be so unfair sometimes, it makes me mad... well while we ate, he ended up revealing how jungle boy was cheating on me all along... that he was trying to find an excuse to break up with me cuz he was tired of me... so he had the nerve to ask my cousin if he could try to hook me up with someone else or make me like noel again... that just sucks... made me feel like crap all over again...
so maybe the butterflies flying around in my tummy are induced by my newly broken heart... maybe my new interest in my ex bf is for all the wrong reasons... who's gonna stop me? and why does it matter?
its quite ironic how things just end up the way they do... i started off the day with milo playing ffx at my house and beating this really hard part for me... then i drop off jungle boy's valentines day present but he was out having lunch with his family... so i left and made my way to save-on to buy something for my mom... well i get a call, and it turns out to be noel... he was just letting me know he had my matrix video so i told him i'd stop by to pick it up since it was on the way anyway... but when i got there we kinda chilled a little and he ended up going with me to save-on... he bought his recent "ex" a present and we just decided to go to the mall...
how incredibly weird just to see him again, needless to say spending valentine's day with him... so we're walking around kinda flirting a little... it felt sort of natural being there with him... and when our hands touched as we were walking, i felt a little akward cuz i felt like i was in eighth grade... you know when the two of you are walking and you hands keep brushing up against each other and eventually you just get to hold hands... o geez... so i took my hand elsewhere and started chewing on my nail... well we wuold have random pauses when he was just hold me from behind or hug me like it was ok... and then walking to the other side of the mall, he was teasing me on how i almost grabbed his hand and then he was showing me and we kinda left it... so there we were, holding hands on valentines day like some couple and i couldnt help but have uncontrolled giggles to myself as the thought crossed my mind...
well, we were waiting in line for food and we were holding each other and he just kissed me... and the feeling of overwhelming sh*t came over me... this boy loved me a lot and i hurt him so bad for someone i loved... life can be so unfair sometimes, it makes me mad... well while we ate, he ended up revealing how jungle boy was cheating on me all along... that he was trying to find an excuse to break up with me cuz he was tired of me... so he had the nerve to ask my cousin if he could try to hook me up with someone else or make me like noel again... that just sucks... made me feel like crap all over again...
so maybe the butterflies flying around in my tummy are induced by my newly broken heart... maybe my new interest in my ex bf is for all the wrong reasons... who's gonna stop me? and why does it matter?
this heart of mine was broken at 11:59:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, February 13, 2003
Dear heart,
i chopped it off... haha no not jungle boy's thingy, though i think i would equally relish the fact
... but my hair- its short again... i dont fully understand why girls who break up with their boyfriends always end up cutting their hair...
its like some tradition from an unknown source... but it makes me feel like new... it doesnt heal all my wounds or nothing but it sure lends me little wings so i can think that i am capable of flying away... honestly, this type of placebo works every time...
so tomorrow is the the dreaded day... i guess for all you couples, this is supposed to be a good thing... so make me barf
a chicken nugget, ok? god seriously that holiday is totally unfair... like if youre part of a pair, you prolly wouldnt understand... but dont u selfish f*cks ever think of all the lonely ones out there? they are totally discluded from this celebration... its like some almighty being passed out an invitation to this wonderful party called love and someone forgot to send it out to the lonely f*cks of the world... geez, 
thanks for making the day seem better than it already was to us... i know it's quite hypocritical of me because the past few years of my life, i havent been alone on valentines day... something mildly romantic always makes its way to my life ... except this one which is just a piece-of-sh*t-poor-excuse of a valentines day... and it bugs 
the crap noodeles outta me... now i can sympathize with all the ones who were always left out... 
now i know what it feels like to be on the other side, looking in... i never even gave the uncoupled a second thought... and now i have joined their ranks... 
how pathetic and sad...
stupid holiday!
so pardon me if i burst... 
yes i am bitter and im sorry im jealous of all you happy people 
! you render me choiceless and im forced to stay home... either that or be plagued with envy-wrenching visions of the lie that is love... its like a disease and public places are infested with girls holding bouquets of roses, a string of balloons, a huge bear, and 
hearts that rub it in even more that "yes, stupid, its valentines day today and there aint sh*t you can do about it"... 
its almost like those tiny tokens of love taunt and advertise what we dont have... you sick f*cks! leave me in my solitude... stop reminding me of what i used to have... just stop making me feel like sh*t 
because im not as lucky as you... i cant help it that everything is confusing 
right now...
is this really always all my damn fault?!
i try to sum up all the reasons of why is fate allowing me to be lonely this year? what the hell did i do wrong? (haha besides the noel thing, but i did him a favor cuz he's found himself a handful now) is there something wrong with me? did i suddenly grow some hideous deformation 
making all guys run for the hills? or maybe it is true that all the good men are taken... and the ones who are left are whats called yesterday's leftovers... 
sad thought... sometimes i cant help but think, "if only i did this..." or "if this happened, then im sure we still woulda been together"... but i realize my efforts are futile... it wasnt that there was something not right about me... it could be- we just werent right for each other... even though that seems highly impossible right now because i feel so strongly for him... but trying to pick out all my flaws to justify the break is like trying to find the sun by going east... its not gonna happen... there is nothing i coulda done different that woulda changed things... everything happens for a reason, remember? so maybe i shouldnt bother and just live my life and maybe, just maybe i will find my sun... because the sun will come out tomorrow... (unless it rains) 
hehe...
[[ thought of the moment ]]
i miss the days when valentines day was getting candy and little cards from your classmates
i chopped it off... haha no not jungle boy's thingy, though i think i would equally relish the fact
... but my hair- its short again... i dont fully understand why girls who break up with their boyfriends always end up cutting their hair...
its like some tradition from an unknown source... but it makes me feel like new... it doesnt heal all my wounds or nothing but it sure lends me little wings so i can think that i am capable of flying away... honestly, this type of placebo works every time...
so tomorrow is the the dreaded day... i guess for all you couples, this is supposed to be a good thing... so make me barf
a chicken nugget, ok? god seriously that holiday is totally unfair... like if youre part of a pair, you prolly wouldnt understand... but dont u selfish f*cks ever think of all the lonely ones out there? they are totally discluded from this celebration... its like some almighty being passed out an invitation to this wonderful party called love and someone forgot to send it out to the lonely f*cks of the world... geez, thanks for making the day seem better than it already was to us... i know it's quite hypocritical of me because the past few years of my life, i havent been alone on valentines day... something mildly romantic always makes its way to my life ... except this one which is just a piece-of-sh*t-poor-excuse of a valentines day... and it bugs the crap noodeles outta me... now i can sympathize with all the ones who were always left out... now i know what it feels like to be on the other side, looking in... i never even gave the uncoupled a second thought... and now i have joined their ranks... how pathetic and sad...
stupid holiday!
so pardon me if i burst... yes i am bitter and im sorry im jealous of all you happy people ! you render me choiceless and im forced to stay home... either that or be plagued with envy-wrenching visions of the lie that is love... its like a disease and public places are infested with girls holding bouquets of roses, a string of balloons, a huge bear, and hearts that rub it in even more that "yes, stupid, its valentines day today and there aint sh*t you can do about it"... its almost like those tiny tokens of love taunt and advertise what we dont have... you sick f*cks! leave me in my solitude... stop reminding me of what i used to have... just stop making me feel like sh*t because im not as lucky as you... i cant help it that everything is confusing right now...
is this really always all my damn fault?!
i try to sum up all the reasons of why is fate allowing me to be lonely this year? what the hell did i do wrong? (haha besides the noel thing, but i did him a favor cuz he's found himself a handful now) is there something wrong with me? did i suddenly grow some hideous deformation making all guys run for the hills? or maybe it is true that all the good men are taken... and the ones who are left are whats called yesterday's leftovers... sad thought... sometimes i cant help but think, "if only i did this..." or "if this happened, then im sure we still woulda been together"... but i realize my efforts are futile... it wasnt that there was something not right about me... it could be- we just werent right for each other... even though that seems highly impossible right now because i feel so strongly for him... but trying to pick out all my flaws to justify the break is like trying to find the sun by going east... its not gonna happen... there is nothing i coulda done different that woulda changed things... everything happens for a reason, remember? so maybe i shouldnt bother and just live my life and maybe, just maybe i will find my sun... because the sun will come out tomorrow... (unless it rains) hehe...
[[ thought of the moment ]]
i miss the days when valentines day was getting candy and little cards from your classmates
this heart of mine was broken at 10:26:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart
sometimes when you wish about something so hard, so often that you're almost at utter disbelief when it actually comes true... staring at the phone at work, hearing it ring forces my heart to make a silent prayer that it will jungle boy on the other line... and it never really isnt... but 5 minutes before it was time to get off work, my phone rings with an outside caller... i sigh wondering who it could be but in the back of my mind i still hoped... this time it was a deep familiar voice at the other end... i just couldnt believe it... i wanted to scream and punch something at the same time... i felt almost nervous and excited at the same time...
suddenly, i went into hostile, distant mode... it was a little akward trying to hold a normal conversation after what happened and knowing he's not really allowed to talk on the phone... then he asks if i could stop by today... my initial response was a flat out "no" without any question... i mean, who was he to ask me any favors? he was the one who broke it off with some bullsh*t reason... but then the joanne that was still in love with him begged to differ... so i gave it a chance and asked a random co-worker, "yes or no" and him not knowing the question...
"no" he answered quickly. then changed his mind suddenly with, "yes"... this fickleness continued on on to a few more yes's and no's until he stopped at yes and i wanted to punch Fate in the eye... why does the world wish to torture me? i was angry and excited all at the same time... driving to his house, i couldnt help but let this angry hate consume me... he goes inside my car and it was difficult to believe he couldnt feel the sickening smell of avarice towards his rapidly going smile... so we talked and he noted me acting like a "b*tch"... i dont really know what he was expecting, for me to rejoice for seeing him like a stupid girl? like i was supposed to be grateful or something and throw myself at his very feet... im sorry but you arent worth it, hunny... so he tries desperately to hug me and get a kiss from me... i just looked him in the eye with no response as he kissed my lips... i dont know if he can read eyes but mine was screaming "f*ck you. i hate you so much. who do you think you are?" eventually his face being so close to mine finally got to me... i closed my eyes and the missing him feelings just rushed to my heart and head... i guess i hated him most when he reminded me how much i loved him... like taking my invisible knife and stabbing him in the chest...
so the night went on with "i miss you's" and "i love you's" but no mention of getting back together... im not really sure what i expected anymore... ok so he's playing a game... that goes without saying... but i found a way to make it a two-player game and beat him at his own game... i asked him straight out, "why did u ask to see me? you didnt really think i was going to f*ck you, did you?" and he says he knew i wasnt going to but that he just had to see me cuz he missed me... and i laugh to myself because he must think im so stupid that i cant read his lies that are flashing like neon lights as they escape his mouth... the only thing that gets me is the fact that im in love with him still and there's very little chance of being cured of the disease any time soon...
before he leaves we hug outside my car and i forgot every crime he's done to my heart... and we giggle excitedly as we're in each other's arms just like before... i felt the joy i've almost forgotten from days gone by... does he feel that? being in each other's arms feels so f*cking perfect and i cant understand how he can deny something like that... my heart wanted to leap out of my chest to dance with his...
i go home and hate him even more... because i know im still in love with you...
[[ advice/horoscope of the day ]]
"The wind of changes is threatened to touch you by his gentle wing. Try not to allow it to take you off the ground. Otherwise it will carry you away to the other end of the world. "
sometimes when you wish about something so hard, so often that you're almost at utter disbelief when it actually comes true... staring at the phone at work, hearing it ring forces my heart to make a silent prayer that it will jungle boy on the other line... and it never really isnt... but 5 minutes before it was time to get off work, my phone rings with an outside caller... i sigh wondering who it could be but in the back of my mind i still hoped... this time it was a deep familiar voice at the other end... i just couldnt believe it... i wanted to scream and punch something at the same time... i felt almost nervous and excited at the same time...
suddenly, i went into hostile, distant mode... it was a little akward trying to hold a normal conversation after what happened and knowing he's not really allowed to talk on the phone... then he asks if i could stop by today... my initial response was a flat out "no" without any question... i mean, who was he to ask me any favors? he was the one who broke it off with some bullsh*t reason... but then the joanne that was still in love with him begged to differ... so i gave it a chance and asked a random co-worker, "yes or no" and him not knowing the question...
"no" he answered quickly. then changed his mind suddenly with, "yes"... this fickleness continued on on to a few more yes's and no's until he stopped at yes and i wanted to punch Fate in the eye... why does the world wish to torture me? i was angry and excited all at the same time... driving to his house, i couldnt help but let this angry hate consume me... he goes inside my car and it was difficult to believe he couldnt feel the sickening smell of avarice towards his rapidly going smile... so we talked and he noted me acting like a "b*tch"... i dont really know what he was expecting, for me to rejoice for seeing him like a stupid girl? like i was supposed to be grateful or something and throw myself at his very feet... im sorry but you arent worth it, hunny... so he tries desperately to hug me and get a kiss from me... i just looked him in the eye with no response as he kissed my lips... i dont know if he can read eyes but mine was screaming "f*ck you. i hate you so much. who do you think you are?" eventually his face being so close to mine finally got to me... i closed my eyes and the missing him feelings just rushed to my heart and head... i guess i hated him most when he reminded me how much i loved him... like taking my invisible knife and stabbing him in the chest...
so the night went on with "i miss you's" and "i love you's" but no mention of getting back together... im not really sure what i expected anymore... ok so he's playing a game... that goes without saying... but i found a way to make it a two-player game and beat him at his own game... i asked him straight out, "why did u ask to see me? you didnt really think i was going to f*ck you, did you?" and he says he knew i wasnt going to but that he just had to see me cuz he missed me... and i laugh to myself because he must think im so stupid that i cant read his lies that are flashing like neon lights as they escape his mouth... the only thing that gets me is the fact that im in love with him still and there's very little chance of being cured of the disease any time soon...
before he leaves we hug outside my car and i forgot every crime he's done to my heart... and we giggle excitedly as we're in each other's arms just like before... i felt the joy i've almost forgotten from days gone by... does he feel that? being in each other's arms feels so f*cking perfect and i cant understand how he can deny something like that... my heart wanted to leap out of my chest to dance with his...
i go home and hate him even more... because i know im still in love with you...
[[ advice/horoscope of the day ]]
"The wind of changes is threatened to touch you by his gentle wing. Try not to allow it to take you off the ground. Otherwise it will carry you away to the other end of the world. "
this heart of mine was broken at 12:20:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
Dear heart,
rain
i absolutely HATE the rain... well, ok thas a lie because i love it when i dont have school... when i can curl up into my blankie and just sleep through its serene whispers... unfortunately, being outside in the rain is a completely different story... walking to school is a total b*tch cuz its like 15 minutes of walking through puddles and drops of never-ending rain... then having to sit in class halfway drenched and very uncomfy... what a perfect to start the day...
bipolar disorder
anyhoo, i was feeling quite nostalgic yesterday and maybe a little of that got carried over to today... talking to jungle boy jumbles all this emotion to me at the same time which can make for a very interesting result... when he IMs me, its like some invisible punch to my stomach where im scared and excited at the same time... i feel a tad bit hostile at first like "who are YOU to talk to me now?" but then i know if he didnt say hi at all might be just as worse... so im not really sure if erasing him from my memory bank or allowing random contacts with him will take me to the road to recovery... even reading some of the non-aggressive words like "sup" or "hey" make me narrow my eyes and stare at the screen coldly out of blind hatred... its really weird... what frustrates me most was when he told me "i love you" out of nowhere last night and i wasnt sure if he was talking to me... argh! stop playing these stupid little games... dont you see how much that touches me? so deep i think you're gonna wrench out my guts! feeling like this makes me suspect myself of being diagnosed with a bipolar personality where your moods go to both extremes of the rainbow... because lately people have been making an effort to make me laugh or just being there for me in general... such nice gestures and sometimes i feel embarassed cuz i feel like i dont deserve such great people in my life... may, milo, danny... those who've supported me through all this and made me forget to frown but laugh instead...
symptoms of depression
right now im trying to up the activity levels of my life... playing video games and whatnot really take my mind off of a lot of things... talking on the phone, exercising, and reading helps too... but when i do have those momentary gaps of inactivity, i sit ther and have a temporary lapse of leaving reality... but yesterday i read someone else's blog and ive realized that there are other people more insane than me... and somehow that serves as some type of comfort to me in a scary way... i feel more relieved to know there are more f*cked up lives out there besides mine... not to be thankful for other people's suffering, but to have gratitude for the option of tomorrow... eventually things will get better and i will find other worse things to have to get over...
savage fiends!
it's a little irritating for people to read my diary (mostly the male species) and instantly find this misfortune to be an advantage for them... old "friends" have randomly called me to ask if im busy this weekend... dont ya'll think its a lil too soon for that sh*t?! my goodness... im still in love with the damn guy... let it die down a little before trying to make a move... the funny thing about that is that they rpolly expect me to need comforting, that im weak enough to be taken advantage of... haha think again, morons! you better have a lot of tolerance because i have a feeling im gonna act a bit more ruthless than usual to the weenie population... just cuz im broken hearted doesnt mean im weak hearted... each time it breaks, i think it makes it harder to shatter the next time... maybe eventually its just gonna be too f*cked up that no one can ever hurt it again... im still trying to decide if thats a good or bad thing...
rain
i absolutely HATE the rain... well, ok thas a lie because i love it when i dont have school... when i can curl up into my blankie and just sleep through its serene whispers... unfortunately, being outside in the rain is a completely different story... walking to school is a total b*tch cuz its like 15 minutes of walking through puddles and drops of never-ending rain... then having to sit in class halfway drenched and very uncomfy... what a perfect to start the day...
bipolar disorder
anyhoo, i was feeling quite nostalgic yesterday and maybe a little of that got carried over to today... talking to jungle boy jumbles all this emotion to me at the same time which can make for a very interesting result... when he IMs me, its like some invisible punch to my stomach where im scared and excited at the same time... i feel a tad bit hostile at first like "who are YOU to talk to me now?" but then i know if he didnt say hi at all might be just as worse... so im not really sure if erasing him from my memory bank or allowing random contacts with him will take me to the road to recovery... even reading some of the non-aggressive words like "sup" or "hey" make me narrow my eyes and stare at the screen coldly out of blind hatred... its really weird... what frustrates me most was when he told me "i love you" out of nowhere last night and i wasnt sure if he was talking to me... argh! stop playing these stupid little games... dont you see how much that touches me? so deep i think you're gonna wrench out my guts! feeling like this makes me suspect myself of being diagnosed with a bipolar personality where your moods go to both extremes of the rainbow... because lately people have been making an effort to make me laugh or just being there for me in general... such nice gestures and sometimes i feel embarassed cuz i feel like i dont deserve such great people in my life... may, milo, danny... those who've supported me through all this and made me forget to frown but laugh instead...
symptoms of depression
right now im trying to up the activity levels of my life... playing video games and whatnot really take my mind off of a lot of things... talking on the phone, exercising, and reading helps too... but when i do have those momentary gaps of inactivity, i sit ther and have a temporary lapse of leaving reality... but yesterday i read someone else's blog and ive realized that there are other people more insane than me... and somehow that serves as some type of comfort to me in a scary way... i feel more relieved to know there are more f*cked up lives out there besides mine... not to be thankful for other people's suffering, but to have gratitude for the option of tomorrow... eventually things will get better and i will find other worse things to have to get over...
savage fiends!
it's a little irritating for people to read my diary (mostly the male species) and instantly find this misfortune to be an advantage for them... old "friends" have randomly called me to ask if im busy this weekend... dont ya'll think its a lil too soon for that sh*t?! my goodness... im still in love with the damn guy... let it die down a little before trying to make a move... the funny thing about that is that they rpolly expect me to need comforting, that im weak enough to be taken advantage of... haha think again, morons! you better have a lot of tolerance because i have a feeling im gonna act a bit more ruthless than usual to the weenie population... just cuz im broken hearted doesnt mean im weak hearted... each time it breaks, i think it makes it harder to shatter the next time... maybe eventually its just gonna be too f*cked up that no one can ever hurt it again... im still trying to decide if thats a good or bad thing...
this heart of mine was broken at 12:23:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, February 11, 2003
Dear heart,
love is the weirdest sh*t on earth, i swear... here is a random excerpt from a confusing conversation:
P I N K LunatiK: ew i love u f*ckface
** VOLCOM: I LOVE U B*TCH
[[ NOTE for RANDOM INFORMATION ]]
** sn changed to retain privacy
love is the weirdest sh*t on earth, i swear... here is a random excerpt from a confusing conversation:
P I N K LunatiK: ew i love u f*ckface
** VOLCOM: I LOVE U B*TCH
[[ NOTE for RANDOM INFORMATION ]]
** sn changed to retain privacy
this heart of mine was broken at 10:54:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i've lost almost all energy to write to you... i think this used to be a source of comfort but now it just forces me to remember all the bad things in order to fill an entree, and personally i find that sadistic! i would rather focus on playing final fantasy 8 and 10... it really gets my mind off of things... and talking to milo and tina help a lot too... my thoughts are derailed to other things...
most of the time i dont really think about jungle boy anyway... i think i'd rather to just never talk to him ever again... its that simple and painful at the same time... after we trade valentine gifts this friday- i will block him from my buddylist, take his numbers off my phone, take down every memento i have lying around... so it will be like he disappeared or maybe that he didnt exist in the first place... the jungle boy i fell in love with was just a dream... and i wake up next to your normal average jerk-off who was nothing like you thought he was... but im glad that's over with because life will go on... if i keep looking back to the memories and sh*t that has passed, then it will go on without me... cant let that happen...
i've lost almost all energy to write to you... i think this used to be a source of comfort but now it just forces me to remember all the bad things in order to fill an entree, and personally i find that sadistic! i would rather focus on playing final fantasy 8 and 10... it really gets my mind off of things... and talking to milo and tina help a lot too... my thoughts are derailed to other things...
most of the time i dont really think about jungle boy anyway... i think i'd rather to just never talk to him ever again... its that simple and painful at the same time... after we trade valentine gifts this friday- i will block him from my buddylist, take his numbers off my phone, take down every memento i have lying around... so it will be like he disappeared or maybe that he didnt exist in the first place... the jungle boy i fell in love with was just a dream... and i wake up next to your normal average jerk-off who was nothing like you thought he was... but im glad that's over with because life will go on... if i keep looking back to the memories and sh*t that has passed, then it will go on without me... cant let that happen...
this heart of mine was broken at 12:50:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, February 10, 2003
Dear heart,
i think im finally out of words to say... and its really beginning to hit me that i will never be jungle boy's girfriend ever again, nor will he be my boy... its a little hard to believe that he actually gave me up... i mean, what the hell?! i never did anything wrong... maybe thats just how guys are... they never really know what they have until its gone... and he doesnt see that im going to be gone forever, and forever is a very long time... maybe he doesnt care... but i really hope whatever his true reason for the breakup is worth it... hehe or maybe i hope its not... i hope he finds himself utterly miserable without me and realizes the error of his ways... but then by that time it will be too late... i would have already learned to hate him and be bitter about all the wasted time i spent with him... all the pointless memories that we shared... all the love that meant nothing at all... just everything that i didnt have to go through for a stinking month that left me with nothing but my already broken heart...
i just cant believe all that was for nothing... so much drama and all adds up to absolutely nothing in the end... it wasnt even worth my time... these are the times wen i just wish we never met... i didnt hafto feel that kind of love again... the kind that feels like your first time being in love... the most embarassing part is admitting how much i love him and yet that did nothing... love is both a useless and powerful weapon... all i know is that he was damn lucky to have my love...
i think im finally out of words to say... and its really beginning to hit me that i will never be jungle boy's girfriend ever again, nor will he be my boy... its a little hard to believe that he actually gave me up... i mean, what the hell?! i never did anything wrong... maybe thats just how guys are... they never really know what they have until its gone... and he doesnt see that im going to be gone forever, and forever is a very long time... maybe he doesnt care... but i really hope whatever his true reason for the breakup is worth it... hehe or maybe i hope its not... i hope he finds himself utterly miserable without me and realizes the error of his ways... but then by that time it will be too late... i would have already learned to hate him and be bitter about all the wasted time i spent with him... all the pointless memories that we shared... all the love that meant nothing at all... just everything that i didnt have to go through for a stinking month that left me with nothing but my already broken heart...
i just cant believe all that was for nothing... so much drama and all adds up to absolutely nothing in the end... it wasnt even worth my time... these are the times wen i just wish we never met... i didnt hafto feel that kind of love again... the kind that feels like your first time being in love... the most embarassing part is admitting how much i love him and yet that did nothing... love is both a useless and powerful weapon... all i know is that he was damn lucky to have my love...
this heart of mine was broken at 12:11:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, February 09, 2003
Dear heart,
talking to tina comes as such a big relief to me...
everything just feels a little better hearing the truth from a sincere yet comforting voice... and we concluded that the real question is: why would he break up with me? another girl maybe? there must be some *underlying current that we cant see... 
who knows... i dont even want to worry about it as of now... i fully realize now that this is his error... im the best thing that's happened to him... whether he can see that or not is his problem... i treated him like a damn equal, in contrast to how i treat imbecil guys... i would have done anything for him... i kept him satisfied... i could talk to him forever and could always hold his interest... 
i used to make him happy... i could drive and reduce his gas costs... i was smart and he always **learned something from me cuz i truly believe im the smartest girl that boys ever gonna go out with... 
and i kept him out of trouble... i swear if he just decided to see me that day instead of go tagging, he wouldnt be in this mess... but i hold steadfast to my belief of "things happen for a reason"
so life, what do you have planned for me now? what horrors do you wish upon me? what miracles am i lucky enough to experience? what gain am i going to receive from this loss? o im getting a little excited now... what does the future hold for me? besides school and work... is there love? akk! u forgot already? f*ck love! there's no such thing!! you want attention from boys, you want their money, you want a ride... that is all... they hold no love that is worth your while so just dont even think about such distractions... i must sound insane when i directly address myself... o well- sue me... it cant be worse than being alone with broken pieces of a beautiful heart you know you can never put back together...
[[ NOTE for RANDOM INFORMATION ]]
* ive noticed i use the word "underlying" from my ap english class
** he told me once that he wanted a girl like that, who would teach him things cuz he was tired of stupid girls...
talking to tina comes as such a big relief to me...
everything just feels a little better hearing the truth from a sincere yet comforting voice... and we concluded that the real question is: why would he break up with me? another girl maybe? there must be some *underlying current that we cant see... who knows... i dont even want to worry about it as of now... i fully realize now that this is his error... im the best thing that's happened to him... whether he can see that or not is his problem... i treated him like a damn equal, in contrast to how i treat imbecil guys... i would have done anything for him... i kept him satisfied... i could talk to him forever and could always hold his interest... i used to make him happy... i could drive and reduce his gas costs... i was smart and he always **learned something from me cuz i truly believe im the smartest girl that boys ever gonna go out with... and i kept him out of trouble... i swear if he just decided to see me that day instead of go tagging, he wouldnt be in this mess... but i hold steadfast to my belief of "things happen for a reason"
so life, what do you have planned for me now? what horrors do you wish upon me? what miracles am i lucky enough to experience? what gain am i going to receive from this loss? o im getting a little excited now... what does the future hold for me? besides school and work...
is there love? akk! u forgot already? f*ck love! there's no such thing!! you want attention from boys, you want their money, you want a ride... that is all... they hold no love that is worth your while so just dont even think about such distractions... i must sound insane when i directly address myself... o well- sue me... it cant be worse than being alone with broken pieces of a beautiful heart you know you can never put back together...
[[ NOTE for RANDOM INFORMATION ]]
* ive noticed i use the word "underlying" from my ap english class
** he told me once that he wanted a girl like that, who would teach him things cuz he was tired of stupid girls...
this heart of mine was broken at 3:52:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i love painfully honest people... the fact that they dont sugar coat bad news slaps you hard on the face and wakes you up from your dreamworld, which is where im frequently lost in... i told milo and my mom about what jungle boy said and his reason for the breakup... both said, "its just an excuse!" first i was like, "gee thanks for making me feel better"
but i realized the hidden sincerity in that... 
maybe i dont want to know/ think he loves me... i want to believe he hates me, that he's an *ss, that he is just like every other insignificant fish in this ocean of choices... so maybe i can hate him too...
i think its easier not to love... less spontenaeity and excitement on your life...
hmmm, maybe i should put that in more enticing words... not loving means less sh*t going on for u to worry about... does he love me? is he cheating? is he lying? who was that chick? why didnt he call me? where is he? why isnt he home? being alone means never having to stress about another person because you're the only person that matters... you can just focus on yourself and making you happy... yeah- this sounds like something out of a self-help book... well hey, i need to self help myself out of these broken pieces of pumping organ... and although reading this crap might seem a little lame, i really do learn from it later...
i can get through this... i know that... it just- hurts... and i was kinda hoping that part would be skipped in the break-up department... and i kick myself everytime i think about how i put down my defensive walls for this random nobody who really evades every part of my kingdom heart... haha (if u were an rpg fan, u'd understand that pun of that sentence) anyroad, i hate this stage of tears and chest pains... it feels so never-ending and imprisoning...
i just wanna scream and escape but i cant... because the more effort i put forth and the harder i try to remember him- it just sinks me deeper into the quicksand... maybe i shouldnt struggle and just let the feeling take me...
[[ quote of the moment (thanks to milo) ]]
"A mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it, but a kiss
can be even deadlier if you mean it."
batman returns, batman and catwoman
i love painfully honest people... the fact that they dont sugar coat bad news slaps you hard on the face and wakes you up from your dreamworld, which is where im frequently lost in... i told milo and my mom about what jungle boy said and his reason for the breakup... both said, "its just an excuse!" first i was like, "gee thanks for making me feel better"
but i realized the hidden sincerity in that... maybe i dont want to know/ think he loves me... i want to believe he hates me, that he's an *ss, that he is just like every other insignificant fish in this ocean of choices... so maybe i can hate him too...
i think its easier not to love... less spontenaeity and excitement on your life...
hmmm, maybe i should put that in more enticing words... not loving means less sh*t going on for u to worry about... does he love me? is he cheating? is he lying? who was that chick? why didnt he call me? where is he? why isnt he home? being alone means never having to stress about another person because you're the only person that matters... you can just focus on yourself and making you happy... yeah- this sounds like something out of a self-help book... well hey, i need to self help myself out of these broken pieces of pumping organ... and although reading this crap might seem a little lame, i really do learn from it later...
i can get through this... i know that... it just- hurts... and i was kinda hoping that part would be skipped in the break-up department... and i kick myself everytime i think about how i put down my defensive walls for this random nobody who really evades every part of my kingdom heart... haha (if u were an rpg fan, u'd understand that pun of that sentence) anyroad, i hate this stage of tears and chest pains... it feels so never-ending and imprisoning...
i just wanna scream and escape but i cant... because the more effort i put forth and the harder i try to remember him- it just sinks me deeper into the quicksand... maybe i shouldnt struggle and just let the feeling take me...
[[ quote of the moment (thanks to milo) ]]
"A mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it, but a kiss
can be even deadlier if you mean it."
batman returns, batman and catwoman
this heart of mine was broken at 2:45:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart