Wednesday, July 31, 2002
Dear heart,
why do i feel such aggravation right now? i wanna call everyone "fudge face" or just tell em all to leave me alone... man everyone is freaking irritating right now... is this the doings of PMS? i think so... ARGH! i wanna strangle lil stuffed animals who have no idea what i feel... i hate you! its so very wonderfully liberating to say that...
[[ phrase bowl ]]
"i hate you"
"go away"
"NO!"
"UGH!"
"you are (stupid, conceited, uninteresting, self-involved, insensitive, pissing me off)."
"im done talking to you"
"what?"
"that was the stupidest thing ive heard yet"
"fudge u"
"bye" click
why do i feel such aggravation right now? i wanna call everyone "fudge face" or just tell em all to leave me alone... man everyone is freaking irritating right now... is this the doings of PMS? i think so... ARGH! i wanna strangle lil stuffed animals who have no idea what i feel... i hate you! its so very wonderfully liberating to say that...
[[ phrase bowl ]]
"i hate you"
"go away"
"NO!"
"UGH!"
"you are (stupid, conceited, uninteresting, self-involved, insensitive, pissing me off)."
"im done talking to you"
"what?"
"that was the stupidest thing ive heard yet"
"fudge u"
"bye" click
this heart of mine was broken at 10:41:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
spiders in the bathtub!
such horrors of the world! and once you see one creepy crawling all over the shampoo and the sponge you're about to use... the icky feeling of its lil legs stay with u for quite a while... *shudder* i cant stand even thinking about that THING! ick!!! how dare it invade my space at my most delicate hour? shower time is supposed to be the moment of peace and safety... but NOooOO! mr. eensy weensy had to be a lil punk and pay me a visit... bastard! i DARE him to come back... ok maybe not... but still... grr the world and its spiders! GRRR!!!
spiders in the bathtub!
such horrors of the world! and once you see one creepy crawling all over the shampoo and the sponge you're about to use... the icky feeling of its lil legs stay with u for quite a while... *shudder* i cant stand even thinking about that THING! ick!!! how dare it invade my space at my most delicate hour? shower time is supposed to be the moment of peace and safety... but NOooOO! mr. eensy weensy had to be a lil punk and pay me a visit... bastard! i DARE him to come back... ok maybe not... but still... grr the world and its spiders! GRRR!!!
this heart of mine was broken at 2:37:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
just finished watching amelie... its a french film and personally, ive always found that language sensualy relaxing...
this is a story about a dreamer... and the odd, quirky things that make her different... like she goes to movies because she enjoys watching people in the dark...
"a shy young woman with a pronounced taste for all of life's small pleasures: immersing one's hand in a sack of grain, cracking the crust of a creme brulee with the back of a teaspoon or skipping stones on the Canal Saint Martin. In the night of August 13th 1997, it suddenly hits her: she decides to straighten out other people's lives. But who is going to straighten out her life?"
its just a pretty story about finding what makes you happy and going for it...
sometimes i think i know what that is... and then i rethink at how impossible it can be to ever retain it and hold it at the palm of my hand... no one knows exactly what it is... maybe im still kinda unsure... but i have some idea, i think... the more i think of it, the more this gut-wrenching feeling arises inside of me... its never going to happen... does that mean im never going to be happy? well, happy in the way i want to be... yeah, i can find tid bits of happiness here and there... random snippets of everyday life that i can hold dear... but what about that grand SHeBANG! where it just comes together and im happy... and that one dream ive held secret in the sewers of my heart can finally be let loose...
why must i contemplate about EVERYTHING? well its been awhile actually... just needed inspiration... guess the foreign film did it... touched the writer's nerve hidden underneath the flub... yes and finally i can shut up because i am done... adieu!
just finished watching amelie... its a french film and personally, ive always found that language sensualy relaxing...
this is a story about a dreamer... and the odd, quirky things that make her different... like she goes to movies because she enjoys watching people in the dark...
"a shy young woman with a pronounced taste for all of life's small pleasures: immersing one's hand in a sack of grain, cracking the crust of a creme brulee with the back of a teaspoon or skipping stones on the Canal Saint Martin. In the night of August 13th 1997, it suddenly hits her: she decides to straighten out other people's lives. But who is going to straighten out her life?"
its just a pretty story about finding what makes you happy and going for it...
sometimes i think i know what that is... and then i rethink at how impossible it can be to ever retain it and hold it at the palm of my hand... no one knows exactly what it is... maybe im still kinda unsure... but i have some idea, i think... the more i think of it, the more this gut-wrenching feeling arises inside of me... its never going to happen... does that mean im never going to be happy? well, happy in the way i want to be... yeah, i can find tid bits of happiness here and there... random snippets of everyday life that i can hold dear... but what about that grand SHeBANG! where it just comes together and im happy... and that one dream ive held secret in the sewers of my heart can finally be let loose...
why must i contemplate about EVERYTHING? well its been awhile actually... just needed inspiration... guess the foreign film did it... touched the writer's nerve hidden underneath the flub... yes and finally i can shut up because i am done... adieu!
this heart of mine was broken at 1:58:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
[[ song of the moment ]]
.: superdrag :: sucked out :.
look around could it bring somebody down
if I never made a sound again?
in your eyes you've already spread my thighs
and you're rocking to the next big thing
kissing the bride 45 minutes a side
this was my dream played out rocking routine
who sucked out the feeling?
where'd you go now that everybody knows
and we did a couple shows out there?
look at me I can write a melody
but I can't expect a soul to care
kissing the bride, 45 minutes a side
this was my dream - played out rocking routine
who sucked out the feeling?
kissing the bride, 45 minutes a side
who sucked out the feeling?
[[ download of the moment ]]
.: i'm the only gay eskimo :.
im the only gay eskimo
im the only one i know
im the only gay eskimo in my tribe
i go out seal hunting with my best friend tarka
but all i wanna do is get into his parka
im the only gay eskimo in my tribe
well me and that fluck chuck buck we both like blubber
but me i got this crazy fadish for rubber
im the only gay eskimo in my tribe
i make the wish on the northern lights
that i could find a decent pair of whale skin tights
im the only gay eskimo in my tribe
and the seals the sing now(seal noises)
these cold winter nights are taking there toll
i even get excited when i see the north pole
see the north pole
.: superdrag :: sucked out :.
look around could it bring somebody down
if I never made a sound again?
in your eyes you've already spread my thighs
and you're rocking to the next big thing
kissing the bride 45 minutes a side
this was my dream played out rocking routine
who sucked out the feeling?
where'd you go now that everybody knows
and we did a couple shows out there?
look at me I can write a melody
but I can't expect a soul to care
kissing the bride, 45 minutes a side
this was my dream - played out rocking routine
who sucked out the feeling?
kissing the bride, 45 minutes a side
who sucked out the feeling?
[[ download of the moment ]]
.: i'm the only gay eskimo :.
im the only gay eskimo
im the only one i know
im the only gay eskimo in my tribe
i go out seal hunting with my best friend tarka
but all i wanna do is get into his parka
im the only gay eskimo in my tribe
well me and that fluck chuck buck we both like blubber
but me i got this crazy fadish for rubber
im the only gay eskimo in my tribe
i make the wish on the northern lights
that i could find a decent pair of whale skin tights
im the only gay eskimo in my tribe
and the seals the sing now(seal noises)
these cold winter nights are taking there toll
i even get excited when i see the north pole
see the north pole
this heart of mine was broken at 1:36:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
chris got "irritated" last night... he actually yelled at me and mocked me on how i was supposedly "yelling"... personally i dont remember that at all... i was just thinking how cool it would be if he moved here... i mean, he's a very neato person... and he's adorable... (shhh) but yeah...
he's gonna kill me for this... but look at him... awww! *GRIN*
thats supposed to be a kiss but i got it too soon i think... lol...
chris got "irritated" last night... he actually yelled at me and mocked me on how i was supposedly "yelling"... personally i dont remember that at all... i was just thinking how cool it would be if he moved here... i mean, he's a very neato person... and he's adorable... (shhh) but yeah...
he's gonna kill me for this... but look at him... awww! *GRIN*
thats supposed to be a kiss but i got it too soon i think... lol...
this heart of mine was broken at 10:01:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, July 30, 2002
Dear heart,
just wanted to show u my future husband... but shhh... dont tell him... jude doesnt know it yet... joanne law... sounds peachy =)
just wanted to show u my future husband... but shhh... dont tell him... jude doesnt know it yet... joanne law... sounds peachy =)
this heart of mine was broken at 11:55:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Does your weblog own you?
this heart of mine was broken at 9:50:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, July 29, 2002
Dear heart,
my mom and her friends took me to vegas... the food was awesome and i had the best time... i felt right at home... they even took me to a strip club... with guys!
thunder from down under- australia boys!
(click on it to see a bigger picture)
yeah i look all fat and my arm is all huge... but see that guy on the bottom right? hehe... that sexy man hugged me and drenched me with his sweat... now thats wut i call heaven...
my mom and her friends took me to vegas... the food was awesome and i had the best time... i felt right at home... they even took me to a strip club... with guys!
thunder from down under- australia boys!
(click on it to see a bigger picture)
yeah i look all fat and my arm is all huge... but see that guy on the bottom right? hehe... that sexy man hugged me and drenched me with his sweat... now thats wut i call heaven...
this heart of mine was broken at 9:28:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, July 27, 2002
Dear heart,
went to lakewood again... and wooo! damn that boy still be looking good! and i saw him wearing normal clothes... and FUDGE! just my style of guy... its funny cuz i never really find those...
but im kinda getting scared... he is way too good looking for the likes of me... he's prolly talking to a billion chicks... he could get away with it ya know... just one smile and im sure the lines start to form... grrr... but maybe he might like me? maybe? o PLEASE god! just this once... a fine ass boyfriend who is faithful... and this boy is seriously gorgeous... *sigh... cant be superficial and everything but he's nice too... but then they all are at first...
went to lakewood again... and wooo! damn that boy still be looking good! and i saw him wearing normal clothes... and FUDGE! just my style of guy... its funny cuz i never really find those...
but im kinda getting scared... he is way too good looking for the likes of me... he's prolly talking to a billion chicks... he could get away with it ya know... just one smile and im sure the lines start to form... grrr... but maybe he might like me? maybe? o PLEASE god! just this once... a fine ass boyfriend who is faithful... and this boy is seriously gorgeous... *sigh... cant be superficial and everything but he's nice too... but then they all are at first...
this heart of mine was broken at 9:35:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
[[ random quotes from a heap i found ]]
I want a guy who likes me for my mind not my body...but plays with my body not my mind.
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Pain is only inflicted on those who have a heart.
Never question if you are in love or not, because if you were you wouldn't need to ask!
I want a guy who likes me for my mind not my body...but plays with my body not my mind.
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Pain is only inflicted on those who have a heart.
Never question if you are in love or not, because if you were you wouldn't need to ask!
this heart of mine was broken at 12:29:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
omg yesterday was the weirdest day... i chilled with bryan... we watched goldmember and ate at red robin... but he was acting kind moody and aloof... so who knows... it was our anniversary tho... it woulda been 23 months... damn! almost two years of knowing each other...
well around 6 he was getting tired so he left... and i went to lakewood mall with ging... and fudge!! right when i got in, i noticed this guy working... oh DAMN! he was freaking fine as hell! and then at the end of the night we kinda got to talking... woohoo!
he seems cool and stuff... he aint a drunk/smoker/druggie... and he went to mayfair and he's 18... he even got stuff like homecoming prince and everything... he has the nicest smile ever... *sigh WOWZERS! and that voice man! sexay! heehee... ok i dunno... seems too good to be true... still looking for a flaw... its gotta show soon...
then later i met up with bryan and i kinda gave him an anniversary kiss =P... it was the sweet kind tho... when i think about it now i just smile to myself... which is kinda bad... but dont worry... i know better than to fall in love with him again... oh god... what a day!
omg yesterday was the weirdest day... i chilled with bryan... we watched goldmember and ate at red robin... but he was acting kind moody and aloof... so who knows... it was our anniversary tho... it woulda been 23 months... damn! almost two years of knowing each other...
well around 6 he was getting tired so he left... and i went to lakewood mall with ging... and fudge!! right when i got in, i noticed this guy working... oh DAMN! he was freaking fine as hell! and then at the end of the night we kinda got to talking... woohoo!
he seems cool and stuff... he aint a drunk/smoker/druggie... and he went to mayfair and he's 18... he even got stuff like homecoming prince and everything... he has the nicest smile ever... *sigh WOWZERS! and that voice man! sexay! heehee... ok i dunno... seems too good to be true... still looking for a flaw... its gotta show soon...
then later i met up with bryan and i kinda gave him an anniversary kiss =P... it was the sweet kind tho... when i think about it now i just smile to myself... which is kinda bad... but dont worry... i know better than to fall in love with him again... oh god... what a day!
this heart of mine was broken at 11:35:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, July 25, 2002
[[ my many faces on the freeway ]]
the face when im getting on the freeway... merging is a witch!!!
please let me in!
my face the WHOLE time on there...
am i staying on my lane? is this too fast? too slow?
random nothings have a way of distracting me...
oooo! lookie that! or wtf was that?!
the look of accomplishment after getting off on my exit... i passed my freeway driving lessons (i hope)
i MADE it! im alive!
i hope you enjoyed this demonstration of freeway expressions in response to freeway stress... thank you and please come again soon.
the face when im getting on the freeway... merging is a witch!!!
please let me in!
my face the WHOLE time on there...
am i staying on my lane? is this too fast? too slow?
random nothings have a way of distracting me...
oooo! lookie that! or wtf was that?!
the look of accomplishment after getting off on my exit... i passed my freeway driving lessons (i hope)
i MADE it! im alive!
i hope you enjoyed this demonstration of freeway expressions in response to freeway stress... thank you and please come again soon.
this heart of mine was broken at 11:02:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
tomorrow is the day of anniversaries... i know i seem pathetic to mention such things anymore in lieu of other things that do not exist anymore... but o well... sue me... oh and i think im in PMS mode this week... which means i think A LOT...
[[ random thoughts and speculations ]]
rebound
i noticed every time one of bryan's relationships dont work out, he always ends up with me... when he got scared off by shell, who did he hang out with the tuesday after? you guessed it... me... and what did we do? we kissed... and then we were back to the same old routine... then he met mercury... and when that didnt work out and she broke his heart... who was his new best friend? no other than that stupid ex... so thats what ive noticed... im a good rebound girl... im always there for him... does that make a stupid doormat or a caring friend? you decide...
another instance is jeff... broke up with the love of his life... met me and supposedly had an instant connection... turns out he was in love with her all along... suddenly im left with nothing but fragments of memories... and it makes me wonder... i was the rebound again, huh?
to be or not to be a b*tch
i have come to speculate that niceness gets you nowhere... people walk all over you and you get no respect whatsoever... so why am i innately a moronic nice ass... huh? tell me that...
ok i have my random spurts of meanness but... that is either 1. influence from other people, 2. effects of horomonal embalance, or 3. cuz im just pissed off... now i think ive grown meaner (refer to reason #1)...
you know what ive observed... guys stick around longer when im like that... they try harder... they get nicer... and then i start to like them and the girl-next-door sweetness starts to secrete from my being... and then *poof*... they are gone... or they use me... or they treat me like shit... all from a hint of sugar from the mama... <- that was SO incredibly lame...
so answer this? should i be the all powerful witch or the ever so stufid princess?
imperfections
the best thing about guys is that they have imperfections... without these... how could i ever get over them?
down the list... here we go... (dont be offended if u are below. its nothing personal)
= mj- too nice, too needy, cant get the hint
= pj- he was gay. nuff said
= bryan- lied to me, in love with someone else
= jeff- in love with his ex, too violent,
= shawn- asshole, unpredictable, paranoid
= chris- too far away
= adolfo- one word: "game"
= nitsuj- too young
yeah i know there's more boys... but im getting tired...
on the phone with bryan... random photo of that...
k bye
tomorrow is the day of anniversaries... i know i seem pathetic to mention such things anymore in lieu of other things that do not exist anymore... but o well... sue me... oh and i think im in PMS mode this week... which means i think A LOT...
[[ random thoughts and speculations ]]
rebound
i noticed every time one of bryan's relationships dont work out, he always ends up with me... when he got scared off by shell, who did he hang out with the tuesday after? you guessed it... me... and what did we do? we kissed... and then we were back to the same old routine... then he met mercury... and when that didnt work out and she broke his heart... who was his new best friend? no other than that stupid ex... so thats what ive noticed... im a good rebound girl... im always there for him... does that make a stupid doormat or a caring friend? you decide...
another instance is jeff... broke up with the love of his life... met me and supposedly had an instant connection... turns out he was in love with her all along... suddenly im left with nothing but fragments of memories... and it makes me wonder... i was the rebound again, huh?
to be or not to be a b*tch
i have come to speculate that niceness gets you nowhere... people walk all over you and you get no respect whatsoever... so why am i innately a moronic nice ass... huh? tell me that...
ok i have my random spurts of meanness but... that is either 1. influence from other people, 2. effects of horomonal embalance, or 3. cuz im just pissed off... now i think ive grown meaner (refer to reason #1)...
you know what ive observed... guys stick around longer when im like that... they try harder... they get nicer... and then i start to like them and the girl-next-door sweetness starts to secrete from my being... and then *poof*... they are gone... or they use me... or they treat me like shit... all from a hint of sugar from the mama... <- that was SO incredibly lame...
so answer this? should i be the all powerful witch or the ever so stufid princess?
imperfections
the best thing about guys is that they have imperfections... without these... how could i ever get over them?
down the list... here we go... (dont be offended if u are below. its nothing personal)
= mj- too nice, too needy, cant get the hint
= pj- he was gay. nuff said
= bryan- lied to me, in love with someone else
= jeff- in love with his ex, too violent,
= shawn- asshole, unpredictable, paranoid
= chris- too far away
= adolfo- one word: "game"
= nitsuj- too young
yeah i know there's more boys... but im getting tired...
on the phone with bryan... random photo of that...
k bye
this heart of mine was broken at 10:44:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, July 24, 2002
[[ song of the moment ]]
.: jagged edge :: all out of love :.
I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your smile in my heart
For times when my life feels so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong
I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone
.: jagged edge :: all out of love :.
I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your smile in my heart
For times when my life feels so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong
I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone
this heart of mine was broken at 11:37:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
[[ example of how NOT to be ]]
(song lyrics)
Guess mine is not the first
Heart broken
My eyes are not the first to cry
I'm not the first to know
There's no getting over you
I'm just a fool
Who's willing
To sit around and wait for you
But, baby can't you see?
There's nothing left for me
To do
'Cause I'm hopelessly devoted
To you
My head is saying "Fool forget him"
My heart is saying "Don't let go,
Hold on to the end"
That's what I intend to do
'Cause I'm hopelessly devoted to you
There's nowhere to hide
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm out of my head
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you
I am hopelessly devoted to you
(song lyrics)
Guess mine is not the first
Heart broken
My eyes are not the first to cry
I'm not the first to know
There's no getting over you
I'm just a fool
Who's willing
To sit around and wait for you
But, baby can't you see?
There's nothing left for me
To do
'Cause I'm hopelessly devoted
To you
My head is saying "Fool forget him"
My heart is saying "Don't let go,
Hold on to the end"
That's what I intend to do
'Cause I'm hopelessly devoted to you
There's nowhere to hide
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm out of my head
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you
I am hopelessly devoted to you
this heart of mine was broken at 10:01:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, July 23, 2002
Dear heart,
it hasnt been the best day... it hasnt been the worst either... it was just kinda "ehh"... i chilled at abram's house in the morning... then met up with bryan later... and i also bought a book... oh my... what a day... im gonna start running in the mornings and lose weight... yeah... thas a good idea...
it hasnt been the best day... it hasnt been the worst either... it was just kinda "ehh"... i chilled at abram's house in the morning... then met up with bryan later... and i also bought a book... oh my... what a day... im gonna start running in the mornings and lose weight... yeah... thas a good idea...
this heart of mine was broken at 9:53:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, July 22, 2002
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | Moderate |
| Schizoid: | Low |
| Schizotypal: | Moderate |
| Antisocial: | High |
| Borderline: | Very High |
| Histrionic: | High |
| Narcissistic: | Moderate |
| Avoidant: | High |
| Dependent: | Very High |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | High |
-- Click Here To Take The Test -- | |
this heart of mine was broken at 11:37:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
bryan just left my house after watching part 2 of "the shining"... we both got scared of the green bathtub lady... he even took a picture of me getting scared, that freak... haha... i just had fun today i think... im a lil happier nowadays... just appreciate things more... im really thankful for the friends i have... just realized what a blessing they are to take my mind off of things... i dont think i even mind much that jeff got back with his ex officially... im just happy for them... i dont really need a guy in my life anyway... when things get serious, trouble always follows... its fine having guy friends to chill with... its jus way more laid back with no strings attached or obligations... i love it... one day im gonna want just one person to care about and vice versa... and just want that one person to miss you when you're gone and to think of you when you think no one cares... but right now... i dont think i need that... just want friends... cant stand jealousy right now... or possessiveness... its nice being free... weeeeee!
bryan just left my house after watching part 2 of "the shining"... we both got scared of the green bathtub lady... he even took a picture of me getting scared, that freak... haha... i just had fun today i think... im a lil happier nowadays... just appreciate things more... im really thankful for the friends i have... just realized what a blessing they are to take my mind off of things... i dont think i even mind much that jeff got back with his ex officially... im just happy for them... i dont really need a guy in my life anyway... when things get serious, trouble always follows... its fine having guy friends to chill with... its jus way more laid back with no strings attached or obligations... i love it... one day im gonna want just one person to care about and vice versa... and just want that one person to miss you when you're gone and to think of you when you think no one cares... but right now... i dont think i need that... just want friends... cant stand jealousy right now... or possessiveness... its nice being free... weeeeee!
this heart of mine was broken at 11:20:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
bryan came over last night and watched tv at my house... we watched the shining... its funny cuz we get along so much better now... we played the "guess what commercial this is" game yesterday... ok maybe he KINDA won... but i was catching up... (score: me- 4, him- 16) well, he had an advantage with all those car commercials... grrr...
anyway, ima drive freeway today... wish me luck!
bryan came over last night and watched tv at my house... we watched the shining... its funny cuz we get along so much better now... we played the "guess what commercial this is" game yesterday... ok maybe he KINDA won... but i was catching up... (score: me- 4, him- 16) well, he had an advantage with all those car commercials... grrr...
anyway, ima drive freeway today... wish me luck!
this heart of mine was broken at 10:37:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, July 21, 2002
Dear heart,
ok the sweetest weirdo in the world drew me sumthing... guess who?
i seriously love his cartoons... they are purely original and from what he sees... kinda almost realistic... look! i seem so happy! hehe... i cant stop looking at it... its too adorable... my reason to smile for the day...
thanks! =P
ok the sweetest weirdo in the world drew me sumthing... guess who?
i seriously love his cartoons... they are purely original and from what he sees... kinda almost realistic... look! i seem so happy! hehe... i cant stop looking at it... its too adorable... my reason to smile for the day...
thanks! =P
this heart of mine was broken at 7:33:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
[[ quote of the moment ]]
"alone we stand, together we fall apart"
"alone we stand, together we fall apart"
this heart of mine was broken at 11:46:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i think im gonna start going out with guys who wont mean anything... if he's attractive, i will date him... if he's fun to be around, i'll date him... if he makes me laugh, i'll date him... but if i even feel like im starting to get emotionally invested in someone... toodles! they are out the door... i swear... im a pro at pushing people away... almost suceeded last time too but my heart got in the way... (damn you!)
i ignored him for a night, i didnt wanna talk about things and i didnt feel like going out... but i just took a chance in seeing him in a safe environment, meaning with friends so he wont kiss me... and thats when i knew i f*cked up... cuz after that i started missing him... i started to think of him outside of our phone conversations... i would smile about nothing at all when i thought of him... even when i pushed away, he proved to me that he liked me... that he cared... and i believed him... o with all my heart i believed every word from his mouth because he didnt believe in bullsh*t... and i didnt believe he was capable if giving it... the funny thing was, he was honest the whole time... he did like me... he did sorta care about me in some obselete form or manner... but then he loved her... and nothing beats love... its even kinda pretty when you think about it... thats why he is back with her because they loved each other... even though she fudged up a lot in the end, its love... you forgive and hope they change...
too bad he lost the chance with that really nice chick who lived far away... too bad, huh?
i think im gonna start going out with guys who wont mean anything... if he's attractive, i will date him... if he's fun to be around, i'll date him... if he makes me laugh, i'll date him... but if i even feel like im starting to get emotionally invested in someone... toodles! they are out the door... i swear... im a pro at pushing people away... almost suceeded last time too but my heart got in the way... (damn you!)
i ignored him for a night, i didnt wanna talk about things and i didnt feel like going out... but i just took a chance in seeing him in a safe environment, meaning with friends so he wont kiss me... and thats when i knew i f*cked up... cuz after that i started missing him... i started to think of him outside of our phone conversations... i would smile about nothing at all when i thought of him... even when i pushed away, he proved to me that he liked me... that he cared... and i believed him... o with all my heart i believed every word from his mouth because he didnt believe in bullsh*t... and i didnt believe he was capable if giving it... the funny thing was, he was honest the whole time... he did like me... he did sorta care about me in some obselete form or manner... but then he loved her... and nothing beats love... its even kinda pretty when you think about it... thats why he is back with her because they loved each other... even though she fudged up a lot in the end, its love... you forgive and hope they change...
too bad he lost the chance with that really nice chick who lived far away... too bad, huh?
this heart of mine was broken at 11:40:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
life has become very unstable... i might go out today, i might not... i might chill with you tomorrow, or i might kick it with them... what happened to the stability? the planning? i LIKED that... now its like i have no idea what the day holds for me and its quite intimidating... you know me.. i like control... but its chaos... well not really but its close to it, according to my standards of life...
thinking back on jeff... i realize i never really coulda had him... i think he was sent to me to realize i was over bryan... that there were other stars in the sky to make my wish come true... he belonged to her and i knew that from the start... he just made me forget for a time being... he was her boyfriend the whole time... i was just borrowing him for a bit, or god just lent him to me...
i know there are guys out there that i was meant to be with, i was meant to love and care about... those who arent people i just f*ck around with, date out of boredom, or are friends with benefits... someone to be there for me and just be... ya kno?
lesson i learned from dating jeff:
many guys out there have the ability to treat you right... guys are impulsive and think they are always right... dont date guys with baggage from a past relationship... ex's seem to always find their way back to them (especially if the loved them most)... sometimes we believe what we want to believe
lesson i learned from dating bryan:
falling in love might hurt in the end but its worth it... lovers can end up as friends in the end... dont be so naive in believeing someone could "never" lie to you... dont sacrifice everything for someone who wont do the same... forgiveness should be a one time thing... love can change into different forms... i still love ya, bryan... but in a best friend sorta way... ;)
life has become very unstable... i might go out today, i might not... i might chill with you tomorrow, or i might kick it with them... what happened to the stability? the planning? i LIKED that... now its like i have no idea what the day holds for me and its quite intimidating... you know me.. i like control... but its chaos... well not really but its close to it, according to my standards of life...
thinking back on jeff... i realize i never really coulda had him... i think he was sent to me to realize i was over bryan... that there were other stars in the sky to make my wish come true... he belonged to her and i knew that from the start... he just made me forget for a time being... he was her boyfriend the whole time... i was just borrowing him for a bit, or god just lent him to me...
i know there are guys out there that i was meant to be with, i was meant to love and care about... those who arent people i just f*ck around with, date out of boredom, or are friends with benefits... someone to be there for me and just be... ya kno?
lesson i learned from dating jeff:
many guys out there have the ability to treat you right... guys are impulsive and think they are always right... dont date guys with baggage from a past relationship... ex's seem to always find their way back to them (especially if the loved them most)... sometimes we believe what we want to believe
lesson i learned from dating bryan:
falling in love might hurt in the end but its worth it... lovers can end up as friends in the end... dont be so naive in believeing someone could "never" lie to you... dont sacrifice everything for someone who wont do the same... forgiveness should be a one time thing... love can change into different forms... i still love ya, bryan... but in a best friend sorta way... ;)
this heart of mine was broken at 11:07:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, July 20, 2002
Dear diary,
just woke up... i was way too tired last night to recap my day... anyway, i got my license! woohoo! and bah to those who didnt believe i would pass...
oh and im changing "him's" name to bryan... i dont think he needs the title of "him" anymore... i shall reserve that for a future significant other... a boy who deserves that name...
so bryan and i hung out yesterday and i drove around... it was pretty fun... im just happy i can get along so well with him in spite of all the drama we went through... i swear i can literaly tell him everything... yeah he can get on my nerves when he constantly talks on the cell phone... i personally find that rude... i never realized it till recently... but yeah, i really treasure his friendship... im suprised that it woulda worked out this perfectly... my first love is becoming one of my best friends... and even though he isnt the love of my life after all, at least i know he's gonna be in my life... =)
just woke up... i was way too tired last night to recap my day... anyway, i got my license! woohoo! and bah to those who didnt believe i would pass...
oh and im changing "him's" name to bryan... i dont think he needs the title of "him" anymore... i shall reserve that for a future significant other... a boy who deserves that name...
so bryan and i hung out yesterday and i drove around... it was pretty fun... im just happy i can get along so well with him in spite of all the drama we went through... i swear i can literaly tell him everything... yeah he can get on my nerves when he constantly talks on the cell phone... i personally find that rude... i never realized it till recently... but yeah, i really treasure his friendship... im suprised that it woulda worked out this perfectly... my first love is becoming one of my best friends... and even though he isnt the love of my life after all, at least i know he's gonna be in my life... =)
this heart of mine was broken at 9:28:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, July 19, 2002
Dear heart,
just returned home and im quite (*yawn) tired, i think... i have a damn drivers test tomorrow and im SO not ready- its not even funny...
gosh i make myself sick... im not in the mood to write anything mildly touching or heartfelt... im just tired of the world and the stupid ppl in it... im so over being happy... i was reminded why i used to be so hesitant in feeling that way... happiness doesnt last... it never does... then u get sad all over again and ure not prepared for it... it happens everytime... i dont know why im not smart enough to just stop anything before it starts...
i wonder if he ever thinks of me... or is he too busy with his lil gf... it doesnt matter, does it? im not gonna talk to him again anyway so i might as well get on with my life... im not ruling out the possibilty of seeing him again... but if he dont talk to me for more than a week, then i can start the forgetting process...
yeah that is all... bye
note to self
- guys are liars
- and when you find one who isn't, the truth hurts
just returned home and im quite (*yawn) tired, i think... i have a damn drivers test tomorrow and im SO not ready- its not even funny...
gosh i make myself sick... im not in the mood to write anything mildly touching or heartfelt... im just tired of the world and the stupid ppl in it... im so over being happy... i was reminded why i used to be so hesitant in feeling that way... happiness doesnt last... it never does... then u get sad all over again and ure not prepared for it... it happens everytime... i dont know why im not smart enough to just stop anything before it starts...
i wonder if he ever thinks of me... or is he too busy with his lil gf... it doesnt matter, does it? im not gonna talk to him again anyway so i might as well get on with my life... im not ruling out the possibilty of seeing him again... but if he dont talk to me for more than a week, then i can start the forgetting process...
yeah that is all... bye
note to self
- guys are liars
- and when you find one who isn't, the truth hurts
this heart of mine was broken at 12:13:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, July 18, 2002
Dear heart,
ok im kinda sad about it... but o well... there are more fish in the sea, right?
yeah... there are...
ok im kinda sad about it... but o well... there are more fish in the sea, right?
yeah... there are...
this heart of mine was broken at 12:54:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, July 17, 2002
Dear heart,
im so pathetic... ima take my drivers test soon and i know ima fail... i just know it...
and as for now, im gonna sleep because online holds no joy for me... and i can find no more reason to stay awake and torture myself... gimme the tranguilizer darts... shoot me now... im ready, doctor... Zzzzz
im so pathetic... ima take my drivers test soon and i know ima fail... i just know it...
and as for now, im gonna sleep because online holds no joy for me... and i can find no more reason to stay awake and torture myself... gimme the tranguilizer darts... shoot me now... im ready, doctor... Zzzzz
this heart of mine was broken at 10:23:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
[[ quote of the day ]]
"just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have"
"just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have"
this heart of mine was broken at 10:09:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i just feel like being alone right now... if he can push away, i can too... but this includes everyone... its MY damn job to push people away, i dont know when he got the idea that he could do it too... haha... well last time i tried to, he didnt give up on me and made me stay put... i cant be that weak anymore and let someone do that to me...
why cant he just stop being angry at the world and call me so everything can be better? so i can stop pretending like i dont care already... so i wont have to succumb to going out with meaningless people... i just miss him, thas all... =/
i just feel like being alone right now... if he can push away, i can too... but this includes everyone... its MY damn job to push people away, i dont know when he got the idea that he could do it too... haha... well last time i tried to, he didnt give up on me and made me stay put... i cant be that weak anymore and let someone do that to me...
why cant he just stop being angry at the world and call me so everything can be better? so i can stop pretending like i dont care already... so i wont have to succumb to going out with meaningless people... i just miss him, thas all... =/
this heart of mine was broken at 10:00:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i wrote this at work on monday when i didnt know what was going on:
DEAR
MY STOMACH IS BEING ELUDED BY BUTTERFLIES CRASHING INTO ITS WALLS... IM SO SCARED OF WHAT HAS ALREADY PROBABLY HAPPENED... I WANT TO ASK YOU SO MANY THINGS YET I CANNOT BRING MYSELF TO EVEN BRING UP THE QUESTIONS... MAYBE I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWERS... MAYBE I ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT IS... EXCUSE MY WILDLY BEATING HEART... CAN YOU FEEL IT? IT IS IN YOUR HANDS AND YOU HAVE THE POWER TO BREAK IT OR HOLD IT FOREVER... THIS OVERWHELMING FEAR CONSUMES ME AND I CANNOT THINK ANYMORE...
i wrote this at work on monday when i didnt know what was going on:
DEAR
MY STOMACH IS BEING ELUDED BY BUTTERFLIES CRASHING INTO ITS WALLS... IM SO SCARED OF WHAT HAS ALREADY PROBABLY HAPPENED... I WANT TO ASK YOU SO MANY THINGS YET I CANNOT BRING MYSELF TO EVEN BRING UP THE QUESTIONS... MAYBE I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWERS... MAYBE I ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT IS... EXCUSE MY WILDLY BEATING HEART... CAN YOU FEEL IT? IT IS IN YOUR HANDS AND YOU HAVE THE POWER TO BREAK IT OR HOLD IT FOREVER... THIS OVERWHELMING FEAR CONSUMES ME AND I CANNOT THINK ANYMORE...
this heart of mine was broken at 9:48:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
lookie this picture chris drew as a self portrait... its freaking funny as hell... and its cute cuz it resembles him in some distorted way... haha
lookie this picture chris drew as a self portrait... its freaking funny as hell... and its cute cuz it resembles him in some distorted way... haha
this heart of mine was broken at 10:38:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
thinking back on jeff again, "he says the sun in him dont shine, so i'll wash in the morning sunrise"
i coulda been that for him... to wash away all the grump and anger caught inside his secret frustrations...
[[ song that mighta been for someone ]]
.: elementary :: the rocking horse winner :.
it starts with you
because you say
you're so easy to talk to
and if you want me then
i'll run with every word
and i'll race anything for you
one plus one equals two buckets of rain
pouring through the holes
and draining me in the end
still waiting to hear from you
still wanting to be with you
speak, the rhythm flows
breathe to keep me warm
kissing me
with intentions of kissing you
we met on a poor night
you entangled me into your soft-spoken lines
responding with a stare
i found no reason
tell me the reason for pushing you away
thinking back on jeff again, "he says the sun in him dont shine, so i'll wash in the morning sunrise"
i coulda been that for him... to wash away all the grump and anger caught inside his secret frustrations...
[[ song that mighta been for someone ]]
.: elementary :: the rocking horse winner :.
it starts with you
because you say
you're so easy to talk to
and if you want me then
i'll run with every word
and i'll race anything for you
one plus one equals two buckets of rain
pouring through the holes
and draining me in the end
still waiting to hear from you
still wanting to be with you
speak, the rhythm flows
breathe to keep me warm
kissing me
with intentions of kissing you
we met on a poor night
you entangled me into your soft-spoken lines
responding with a stare
i found no reason
tell me the reason for pushing you away
this heart of mine was broken at 10:26:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
im not as depressed as i thought i would be, which is really funny... i got closure last night, or at least the effort to understand his distance... everything is still a little confusing... i guess its good he still has feelings for me or whatnot... "i like you but i like myself more" kinda thing... and he never said he was getting back with his ex... just that he would care about her rather than it be me in the end... who knows... *shrug... im actually not bothered by this... i just make things more dramatic than they seem... so as of now, im gonna start living my life again...
[[ song of the the morning ]]
.: soon :: thumbelina :.
i know there's someone, somewhere
someone who'll sure to find me soon
after the rain goes
there are rainbows
i'll find my rainbow soon
soon it wont be just pretend
soon a happy ending
love, can you hear me?
if you're near me
sing your song
sure and strong and
soon
but its all good... if he wants me back, then fine... im his for the taking... i just cant wash away everything i felt for him... every memory we spent just cant be erased with words... its not that easy... though sometimes i wish it were... i guess my heart kinda broke last night, but im very hesitant to admit such a thing... i still didnt exactly know the details with him and his ex... but i just wanted us to end up together, is all... was that too much? did that make me a selfish bastard like him? to want someone else because i thought he was wonderful... cuz he is...
damn trying to get over someone already... kinda funny when you think about it... i never thought i'd hafto do it this soon...
but i know deep down inside i'll feel like the first 2 lines of the rocking horse winner song: "today's gone and tomorrow i'll be waiting for you. Yesterday's here and and tomorrow i'll be waiting for you"
im not as depressed as i thought i would be, which is really funny... i got closure last night, or at least the effort to understand his distance... everything is still a little confusing... i guess its good he still has feelings for me or whatnot... "i like you but i like myself more" kinda thing... and he never said he was getting back with his ex... just that he would care about her rather than it be me in the end... who knows... *shrug... im actually not bothered by this... i just make things more dramatic than they seem... so as of now, im gonna start living my life again...
[[ song of the the morning ]]
.: soon :: thumbelina :.
i know there's someone, somewhere
someone who'll sure to find me soon
after the rain goes
there are rainbows
i'll find my rainbow soon
soon it wont be just pretend
soon a happy ending
love, can you hear me?
if you're near me
sing your song
sure and strong and
soon
but its all good... if he wants me back, then fine... im his for the taking... i just cant wash away everything i felt for him... every memory we spent just cant be erased with words... its not that easy... though sometimes i wish it were... i guess my heart kinda broke last night, but im very hesitant to admit such a thing... i still didnt exactly know the details with him and his ex... but i just wanted us to end up together, is all... was that too much? did that make me a selfish bastard like him? to want someone else because i thought he was wonderful... cuz he is...
damn trying to get over someone already... kinda funny when you think about it... i never thought i'd hafto do it this soon...
but i know deep down inside i'll feel like the first 2 lines of the rocking horse winner song: "today's gone and tomorrow i'll be waiting for you. Yesterday's here and and tomorrow i'll be waiting for you"
this heart of mine was broken at 9:38:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, July 16, 2002
[[ song of the moment ]]
How could the one I gave my heart to
Break my heart so bad?
How could the one who made me happy
Make me feel so sad?
Won't somebody tell me
So I can understand?
If you love me
How could you hurt me like that?
How could the one I gave my world to
Throw my world away?
How could the one who said I love you
Say the things you say?
How could the one I was so true to
Just tell me lies?
How could the one I gave my heart to
Break this heart of mine?
Tell me.
How could you be so cold to me
When I gave you everything?
All my love.
All I have inside.
How could you just walk out the door,
How could you not love me anymore?
I thought we had forever.
I can't understand.
How could the one I shared my dreams with
Take my dreams from me?
How could a love that brought such pleasure
Bring such misery?
Won't somebody tell me?
Somebody tell me please.
If you love me
How could you do that to me?
Tell me.
How could the one I gave my heart to
Break my heart so bad?
How could the one who made me happy
Make me feel so sad?
Won't somebody tell me
So I can understand?
If you love me
How could you hurt me like that?
How could the one I gave my world to
Take my world away?
How could the one who said I love you
Say the things you say?
How could the one I was so true to
Just tell me lies?
How could the one I gave my heart to?
Break this heart of mine?
Tell me.
- Aaliyah
How could the one I gave my heart to
Break my heart so bad?
How could the one who made me happy
Make me feel so sad?
Won't somebody tell me
So I can understand?
If you love me
How could you hurt me like that?
How could the one I gave my world to
Throw my world away?
How could the one who said I love you
Say the things you say?
How could the one I was so true to
Just tell me lies?
How could the one I gave my heart to
Break this heart of mine?
Tell me.
How could you be so cold to me
When I gave you everything?
All my love.
All I have inside.
How could you just walk out the door,
How could you not love me anymore?
I thought we had forever.
I can't understand.
How could the one I shared my dreams with
Take my dreams from me?
How could a love that brought such pleasure
Bring such misery?
Won't somebody tell me?
Somebody tell me please.
If you love me
How could you do that to me?
Tell me.
How could the one I gave my heart to
Break my heart so bad?
How could the one who made me happy
Make me feel so sad?
Won't somebody tell me
So I can understand?
If you love me
How could you hurt me like that?
How could the one I gave my world to
Take my world away?
How could the one who said I love you
Say the things you say?
How could the one I was so true to
Just tell me lies?
How could the one I gave my heart to?
Break this heart of mine?
Tell me.
- Aaliyah
this heart of mine was broken at 10:11:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
this should be affecting me a lil more but its not... im just happy about the fact that im going to be an elementary school teacher... woo! wouldnt i just be the best kindergarten teacher ever? i mean, who can ever forget their first teacher... i will be loved... at last!
so back to jeff... i just wanna know what's going on... if he doesnt like me anymore... if he got back with her... i just gotta be told... i'll go away... i wont even bother... ive made my decision that nothing is worth fighting for anymore... dont worry about hurting me... this silence is what is killing me... well its not really killing me or bothering me as it should, but i still think about it... just need closure, i guess...
"dont let me be the last to know... dont hold back, just let it go... i need to hear you say... just dont let me be the last to know"
-britney spears
this should be affecting me a lil more but its not... im just happy about the fact that im going to be an elementary school teacher... woo! wouldnt i just be the best kindergarten teacher ever? i mean, who can ever forget their first teacher... i will be loved... at last!
so back to jeff... i just wanna know what's going on... if he doesnt like me anymore... if he got back with her... i just gotta be told... i'll go away... i wont even bother... ive made my decision that nothing is worth fighting for anymore... dont worry about hurting me... this silence is what is killing me... well its not really killing me or bothering me as it should, but i still think about it... just need closure, i guess...
"dont let me be the last to know... dont hold back, just let it go... i need to hear you say... just dont let me be the last to know"
-britney spears
this heart of mine was broken at 10:03:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i hafto go to work soon so i guess ima hafto rush this entree... basically i went to orientation and ive changed my pre-nursing major to be a liberal studies major... which means im gonna be an elementary school teacher... big step? i think so...
and jeff hasnt made contact with me at all... i dont know whats going on... i dont even care if he got back wiht his ex or got married yesterday... i just wanna know what happened... i hate being in the dark when it comes to relationships... i know im not jumping into conclusions... but if he just decided now to break my already fragile heart, then f*ck off you bastard... lol... hehe felt nice saying that... there are more guys out there... but i wouldnt have minded very much if that guy for me was you... o well
must go now... toodles!
i hafto go to work soon so i guess ima hafto rush this entree... basically i went to orientation and ive changed my pre-nursing major to be a liberal studies major... which means im gonna be an elementary school teacher... big step? i think so...
and jeff hasnt made contact with me at all... i dont know whats going on... i dont even care if he got back wiht his ex or got married yesterday... i just wanna know what happened... i hate being in the dark when it comes to relationships... i know im not jumping into conclusions... but if he just decided now to break my already fragile heart, then f*ck off you bastard... lol... hehe felt nice saying that... there are more guys out there... but i wouldnt have minded very much if that guy for me was you... o well
must go now... toodles!
this heart of mine was broken at 4:33:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, July 15, 2002
Dear heart,
we had a nice conversation last night... kinda got out most of my feelings in the most descreet way possible... "i kinda like jeff but dont tell him" kinda deal... it was kinda cool =) and he actually wanted to really see me today to the point where he was begging... shoot... i wanted to see him too... and then out of nowhere he says something like "i know i dont show it all the time but i really care about you"... ok THAT got my nerves into overdrive that i even got dizzy for like 2 seconds... *sigh
but today everything got confusing... i called him up but then he seemed in a rush and got rid of me quickly... then i called him again before i had to work but he seemed in a rush again so i asked him who he was talking to... without hesitation, he said "my ex"... um, ok... so the good thing in all this is he wasnt lying... but then he said he would never hang up on me for anyone... but he did, and it was HER of all people... so now im stressing... i kno, AGAIN... when will this stop... i believed every word he said last night... but what if it changed with just those 3 words from her... maybe he's been denying all this time that he feels the same and he realizes it now... maybe i was just the rebound after all... maybe i was just too ready to believe his premature emotions... too hungy to realize i was just taking in and eating sh*t... even if it wasnt sh*t, words and promises fade and lose its meaning with time...
im just scared that he'll hurt me... can you blame me? everyone ive ever cared about has... he prolly will later... just didnt anticipate it to be so soon, ya kno? *hmph ok ima try to relax... trying not to stress about what could be nothing... (and what could be something that changes everything) o goodness, im terrible... i need to calm down and pretend it doesnt affect me... BREATHE, girl! he was just talking to his ex... the one he loved the most... the one he said he doesnt even talk to anymore... the one that cries and wants him back... the one he is good at hiding feelings from... the one he still cares about a lot... =( ok that made me feel worse... AHHHH!
we had a nice conversation last night... kinda got out most of my feelings in the most descreet way possible... "i kinda like jeff but dont tell him" kinda deal... it was kinda cool =) and he actually wanted to really see me today to the point where he was begging... shoot... i wanted to see him too... and then out of nowhere he says something like "i know i dont show it all the time but i really care about you"... ok THAT got my nerves into overdrive that i even got dizzy for like 2 seconds... *sigh
but today everything got confusing... i called him up but then he seemed in a rush and got rid of me quickly... then i called him again before i had to work but he seemed in a rush again so i asked him who he was talking to... without hesitation, he said "my ex"... um, ok... so the good thing in all this is he wasnt lying... but then he said he would never hang up on me for anyone... but he did, and it was HER of all people... so now im stressing... i kno, AGAIN... when will this stop... i believed every word he said last night... but what if it changed with just those 3 words from her... maybe he's been denying all this time that he feels the same and he realizes it now... maybe i was just the rebound after all... maybe i was just too ready to believe his premature emotions... too hungy to realize i was just taking in and eating sh*t... even if it wasnt sh*t, words and promises fade and lose its meaning with time...
im just scared that he'll hurt me... can you blame me? everyone ive ever cared about has... he prolly will later... just didnt anticipate it to be so soon, ya kno? *hmph ok ima try to relax... trying not to stress about what could be nothing... (and what could be something that changes everything) o goodness, im terrible... i need to calm down and pretend it doesnt affect me... BREATHE, girl! he was just talking to his ex... the one he loved the most... the one he said he doesnt even talk to anymore... the one that cries and wants him back... the one he is good at hiding feelings from... the one he still cares about a lot... =( ok that made me feel worse... AHHHH!
this heart of mine was broken at 10:20:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, July 14, 2002
Dear heart,
regarding chris' post on the tag-board... i did a lil research and it turns out to be a song by weezer...
[[ suzanne ]]
(not joanne)
Suzanne, you're all that I wanted of a girl
You're all that I need in the world
I'm your child, make me blush, drive me wild
Suzanne, you're all that I wanted
When I met you I was all alone
Cold and hungry cryin' on the phone
You baked me brownies and said, 'Don't you cry'
And gave me the coat off your back
Even Izzy, Slash and Axl Rose
When I call, you put 'em all on hold
And say to me that you'd do anything
And all I can do is say that
I haven't much I can give you in return
Only my heart and a promise not to turn
But I sing to you every day and every night
Suzanne, I'm your man
Suzanne, you're all that I wanted of a girl
You're all that I need in the world
I'm your child, make me blush, drive me wild
Suzanne, you're all that I wanted
Of a girl
regarding chris' post on the tag-board... i did a lil research and it turns out to be a song by weezer...
[[ suzanne ]]
(not joanne)
Suzanne, you're all that I wanted of a girl
You're all that I need in the world
I'm your child, make me blush, drive me wild
Suzanne, you're all that I wanted
When I met you I was all alone
Cold and hungry cryin' on the phone
You baked me brownies and said, 'Don't you cry'
And gave me the coat off your back
Even Izzy, Slash and Axl Rose
When I call, you put 'em all on hold
And say to me that you'd do anything
And all I can do is say that
I haven't much I can give you in return
Only my heart and a promise not to turn
But I sing to you every day and every night
Suzanne, I'm your man
Suzanne, you're all that I wanted of a girl
You're all that I need in the world
I'm your child, make me blush, drive me wild
Suzanne, you're all that I wanted
Of a girl
this heart of mine was broken at 4:31:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
maybe he wasnt lying... maybe im paranoid... or maybe im not and im actually right... either case, the defendant is innocent unless proven guilty... so i'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now...
ANYway... camping was pretty fun... met chris and daniel who i chilled with the first night... we had fun playing with my camera and taking shadow pictures which im sure did not come out... haha... and i got to see wood! it was wonderful... seemed so short for some reason... it didnt feel like the regular camping... im kinda happy right now... muah to everyone...
maybe he wasnt lying... maybe im paranoid... or maybe im not and im actually right... either case, the defendant is innocent unless proven guilty... so i'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now...
ANYway... camping was pretty fun... met chris and daniel who i chilled with the first night... we had fun playing with my camera and taking shadow pictures which im sure did not come out... haha... and i got to see wood! it was wonderful... seemed so short for some reason... it didnt feel like the regular camping... im kinda happy right now... muah to everyone...
this heart of mine was broken at 4:27:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
ok so jeff lied to me... and i just proved my previous speculations that all guys are lying bastards... i thought he was different... but then again they always make me think that way... because i wanna believe them- that they wont bullsh*t me... you know what tho? its always a buncha crap... to think i was stupid enough to believe this one was a keeper... hah! its been 3 weeks and its falling apart... and he acts like its not even happening... *sigh...
ok so jeff lied to me... and i just proved my previous speculations that all guys are lying bastards... i thought he was different... but then again they always make me think that way... because i wanna believe them- that they wont bullsh*t me... you know what tho? its always a buncha crap... to think i was stupid enough to believe this one was a keeper... hah! its been 3 weeks and its falling apart... and he acts like its not even happening... *sigh...
this heart of mine was broken at 4:03:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, July 12, 2002
[[ song of the moment ]]
.: radiohead :: creep :.
When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special
But I 'm a creep
I 'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
She's running out again
She's running out
She run, run, run run
Run
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
.: radiohead :: creep :.
When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special
But I 'm a creep
I 'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
She's running out again
She's running out
She run, run, run run
Run
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
this heart of mine was broken at 4:49:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
so im about to be off to camping... finally time to get away from it all... just need to relax and all that good stuff... i feel bad cuz i wanted to see him today... cuz its his freaking 21st b-day and thas really important...
im not sure if ima miss anything here when im gone... my goodness its just 3 days... no use of getting no sleep over it... i hope everything will be the same when i get back... i hope people actually end up missing me...
oh shawn called today... kinda weird and outta the blue... he IMed me yesterday too but i was packing and he signed off before i got to answer... i dunno, its weird...
but yes, in contrary to previous convictions i have this grotesque feeling that i am wrong... and i am going to miss something... er, actually, someONE... yeah, jeff... it wont be the same without you... i will miss you of all people... thats funny... (dont think i like you or anything) =P
k toodles!
so im about to be off to camping... finally time to get away from it all... just need to relax and all that good stuff... i feel bad cuz i wanted to see him today... cuz its his freaking 21st b-day and thas really important...
im not sure if ima miss anything here when im gone... my goodness its just 3 days... no use of getting no sleep over it... i hope everything will be the same when i get back... i hope people actually end up missing me...
oh shawn called today... kinda weird and outta the blue... he IMed me yesterday too but i was packing and he signed off before i got to answer... i dunno, its weird...
but yes, in contrary to previous convictions i have this grotesque feeling that i am wrong... and i am going to miss something... er, actually, someONE... yeah, jeff... it wont be the same without you... i will miss you of all people... thats funny... (dont think i like you or anything) =P
k toodles!
this heart of mine was broken at 4:32:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
its officially jeff's birthday right now... so HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the dirtiest sanchez i know... haha... its too bad im gonna be off camping... woohoo wood! ok i dunno but i have mad gas right now...
its officially jeff's birthday right now... so HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the dirtiest sanchez i know... haha... its too bad im gonna be off camping... woohoo wood! ok i dunno but i have mad gas right now...
this heart of mine was broken at 12:10:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, July 11, 2002
Dear heart,
i ruin everything, dont i? why am i so damn good at that... ok so i freaked out... no he wants me to just go away and leave him alone... o yeah, thats SO freaking easy! ugh! i really hate being me sometimes... i hate fudging up all the good stuff i get blessed with... im gonna regret this forever huh? o well... the ball is in his park now... its up to him to save or break wutever it is we have...
i ruin everything, dont i? why am i so damn good at that... ok so i freaked out... no he wants me to just go away and leave him alone... o yeah, thats SO freaking easy! ugh! i really hate being me sometimes... i hate fudging up all the good stuff i get blessed with... im gonna regret this forever huh? o well... the ball is in his park now... its up to him to save or break wutever it is we have...
this heart of mine was broken at 12:28:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, July 10, 2002
Dear heart,
this is not the best time for anything... i just want to be left alone by everyone... jeff can get back with his damn ex gf for all i care... im never gonna be her anyway... i can never live up to who she was to him so whats the point in trying to be somebody in his life... ok so i fudged up... i ended up liking this guy... but i cant do that anymore... my heart has been broken so many damn times i dont even think there's anything left of it...
this is not the best time for anything... i just want to be left alone by everyone... jeff can get back with his damn ex gf for all i care... im never gonna be her anyway... i can never live up to who she was to him so whats the point in trying to be somebody in his life... ok so i fudged up... i ended up liking this guy... but i cant do that anymore... my heart has been broken so many damn times i dont even think there's anything left of it...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:55:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, July 09, 2002
Dear heart,
i wonder if things with me and jeff will get serious... so what we kinda like each other? there's just so many differences keeping us apart... i cant understand his constant anger and frustrations... and i piss him off sometimes with my polyanna complex... goddam me! i dont understand my need for constant cheerfulness... im so good at lying to myself, telling me that im happy... that i actually believe it sometimes...
i just missed him today... i hardly even got to talk to him cuz i was doing other things... he told me today that i was more than just a friend... and that he cant act like im his friend cuz i know he's usually a "rude bastard"... he says he wants to act affectionate to me... and i dont mind one bit... i love it when he holds me... like in the arcades, he holds me when i play or when i just stand there... he even holds me when he plays a game... even tho i suspect i am bad luck, he always kisses me softly and tells me to stay for luck... poor boy doesnt understand im some clumpsy jinx who holds no amount of luck in her lifestream...
i just hope things work out between us... i just saw today how ppl's interests change so fast... people are fickle and it scares me... i wanna be one of those lucky people who just find someone who feels the same... and they live, well maybe not happily ever after... but they are happy and together most of the time... fudge, just leave me alone, ok? i like him... dont want anything to fudge this up...
i wonder if things with me and jeff will get serious... so what we kinda like each other? there's just so many differences keeping us apart... i cant understand his constant anger and frustrations... and i piss him off sometimes with my polyanna complex... goddam me! i dont understand my need for constant cheerfulness... im so good at lying to myself, telling me that im happy... that i actually believe it sometimes...
i just missed him today... i hardly even got to talk to him cuz i was doing other things... he told me today that i was more than just a friend... and that he cant act like im his friend cuz i know he's usually a "rude bastard"... he says he wants to act affectionate to me... and i dont mind one bit... i love it when he holds me... like in the arcades, he holds me when i play or when i just stand there... he even holds me when he plays a game... even tho i suspect i am bad luck, he always kisses me softly and tells me to stay for luck... poor boy doesnt understand im some clumpsy jinx who holds no amount of luck in her lifestream...
i just hope things work out between us... i just saw today how ppl's interests change so fast... people are fickle and it scares me... i wanna be one of those lucky people who just find someone who feels the same... and they live, well maybe not happily ever after... but they are happy and together most of the time... fudge, just leave me alone, ok? i like him... dont want anything to fudge this up...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:31:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
just trying to be a good friend and help "him" out... i hope he sees how much i still care for him... he is right... we know each other like no one else does... and its bonded us somehow... i hope he's just not using me for a doormat... or something to keep his time cuz he is lonely... i am quite comfortable with the whole situation that we are good friends and we can tell each other anything and everything... no more lies... no more bullsh*t... he almost knows me more than ging... and ive known her all my life... oh who knows... im just trying to get by... and trying to help my friends get by at the same time... i feel like some goddam hero... up up... and away i go...!
just trying to be a good friend and help "him" out... i hope he sees how much i still care for him... he is right... we know each other like no one else does... and its bonded us somehow... i hope he's just not using me for a doormat... or something to keep his time cuz he is lonely... i am quite comfortable with the whole situation that we are good friends and we can tell each other anything and everything... no more lies... no more bullsh*t... he almost knows me more than ging... and ive known her all my life... oh who knows... im just trying to get by... and trying to help my friends get by at the same time... i feel like some goddam hero... up up... and away i go...!
this heart of mine was broken at 11:08:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
its hard for me to get sad nowadays... i just think about jeff and then i smile... im starting to loathe this growing dependence on him for my happiness... it scares me... but yes... i saw him yesterday and i was too incredibly ecstatic cuz i missed him a lot...
you know wuts funny? me and "him" have become really good friends now... and im totally comfy at how things are now... i wouldnt change a thing... ive never been more honest and im not scared anymore that he's lying to me... cuz he has no need to... im a friend now... and i love it... at least i know i fit somewhere in his life... and he in mine without the akward past feelings getting in the way...
i know ive posted this song before as a link but i think u should read it here... if something ever happened to me and jeff, this is what i would think he could say cuz he treats me so good (*well)... and its like i'd feel no one can understand me like that... god! its been barely 2 weeks and no one has ever made me feel this special... *sigh
.: 112 :: love you like i did :.
Tell me whos gonna look at you
And love you for the person you are
Tell me whos gonna understand
That sometimes you can take things too far
Tell me whos gonna be there when
Times are good and when they are bad
Tell me whos gonna love you girl
The way i loved you
Tell me whos gonna be right there
To wipe your tears whenever you cry
Tell me whos gonna talk it out
To make sure everything is alright
Tell me whos gonna call you on the telephone
When you're all alone
Tell me whos gonna love you girl
Aint nobody gonna do the things i did
Aint nobody gonna kiss the way i kiss
Aint nobody gonna spend the way i spend
Aint nobody gonna love you like i did
Aint nobody gonna be the fool for you
Aint nobody gonna open the doors for you
Aint nobody going through what i went through
Aint nobody gonna love you
Love you like i did...
Anytime you needed a friend
Girl i was right there for you
Anytime you needed love
You could call on me for that too
There is nothing, nothing that i wouldnt do for you
Tell me whos gonna love you girl
The way i loved you
Everything you always wanted
Girl you know i gave it to you
Never had to worry cuz you knew
I would take care of you
And you may find, another man
But cant nobody love you
The way that i loved you
How could you do it?
Baby, how could you (you did me wrong)
Treat me the way you did (you broke my heart)
And how could you leave me?
When you know i did (leave me by myself)
I did everything for you (girl, i did everything for you)
And you'll never find another man to love you the way that i did
Girl nobody... nobody...
Will love you just like me...
its hard for me to get sad nowadays... i just think about jeff and then i smile... im starting to loathe this growing dependence on him for my happiness... it scares me... but yes... i saw him yesterday and i was too incredibly ecstatic cuz i missed him a lot...
you know wuts funny? me and "him" have become really good friends now... and im totally comfy at how things are now... i wouldnt change a thing... ive never been more honest and im not scared anymore that he's lying to me... cuz he has no need to... im a friend now... and i love it... at least i know i fit somewhere in his life... and he in mine without the akward past feelings getting in the way...
i know ive posted this song before as a link but i think u should read it here... if something ever happened to me and jeff, this is what i would think he could say cuz he treats me so good (*well)... and its like i'd feel no one can understand me like that... god! its been barely 2 weeks and no one has ever made me feel this special... *sigh
.: 112 :: love you like i did :.
Tell me whos gonna look at you
And love you for the person you are
Tell me whos gonna understand
That sometimes you can take things too far
Tell me whos gonna be there when
Times are good and when they are bad
Tell me whos gonna love you girl
The way i loved you
Tell me whos gonna be right there
To wipe your tears whenever you cry
Tell me whos gonna talk it out
To make sure everything is alright
Tell me whos gonna call you on the telephone
When you're all alone
Tell me whos gonna love you girl
Aint nobody gonna do the things i did
Aint nobody gonna kiss the way i kiss
Aint nobody gonna spend the way i spend
Aint nobody gonna love you like i did
Aint nobody gonna be the fool for you
Aint nobody gonna open the doors for you
Aint nobody going through what i went through
Aint nobody gonna love you
Love you like i did...
Anytime you needed a friend
Girl i was right there for you
Anytime you needed love
You could call on me for that too
There is nothing, nothing that i wouldnt do for you
Tell me whos gonna love you girl
The way i loved you
Everything you always wanted
Girl you know i gave it to you
Never had to worry cuz you knew
I would take care of you
And you may find, another man
But cant nobody love you
The way that i loved you
How could you do it?
Baby, how could you (you did me wrong)
Treat me the way you did (you broke my heart)
And how could you leave me?
When you know i did (leave me by myself)
I did everything for you (girl, i did everything for you)
And you'll never find another man to love you the way that i did
Girl nobody... nobody...
Will love you just like me...
this heart of mine was broken at 12:02:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, July 07, 2002
[[ quotes of the moment ]]
~ my heart never smiled until i saw you
~ many people have caught my eyes, but only you have caught my heart
~ i will never break your heart, and if i do- i'll break mine too
~ my heart never smiled until i saw you
~ many people have caught my eyes, but only you have caught my heart
~ i will never break your heart, and if i do- i'll break mine too
this heart of mine was broken at 12:01:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
as im listening to that 112 song love you like i did, i cant help but feel ok about today... my eye is itchy, i cant stop sneezing, i have ants in my room, and i just received my monthly friend... haha... its not really the ideal day now, is it? but i dont feel all that bad...
what's your love style?
as im listening to that 112 song love you like i did, i cant help but feel ok about today... my eye is itchy, i cant stop sneezing, i have ants in my room, and i just received my monthly friend... haha... its not really the ideal day now, is it? but i dont feel all that bad...
what's your love style?
this heart of mine was broken at 10:54:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i guess i was wrong... and im gonna stop freaking stressing about ppl... most ppl wont even matter in a matter of 2 months... dude, i really gotta stop making the same mistakes over and over again... i need to start learning form them like im supposed to...and that is my conclusion for the evening... the only conclusion i think i can conclude from all this fluff that makes absolutely no sense... the end
i guess i was wrong... and im gonna stop freaking stressing about ppl... most ppl wont even matter in a matter of 2 months... dude, i really gotta stop making the same mistakes over and over again... i need to start learning form them like im supposed to...and that is my conclusion for the evening... the only conclusion i think i can conclude from all this fluff that makes absolutely no sense... the end
this heart of mine was broken at 1:04:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, July 06, 2002
Dear heart,
i dont understand... what happened? i thought i found a guy i could give my damn heart to... and now im getting it back in tattered pieces in a newly broken way... just when i thought i had it fixed, ya kno? someone messes with it... why is it always me who gets these ppl... the ones who convince you when you dont wanna be convinced... they make you feel things you thought you could never feel again... opened doors you thought had no keys anymore... reopened secrets you thought were locked away in the dark corners of your heart... then PATOOTIE! they're gone... like the wind (ok that was lame =P)
i cant believe i let such a catastrophe happen... maybe im over-reacting... i hope i am... im scared to talk to him later... will he even call me? ok fudge, joanne! you told yourself you wouldnt do this sh*t to yourself... no one is worth it... i hate it when my mushy, needy side tries to take over my tough girl, "i dont care" exterior... GRR!
i dont understand... what happened? i thought i found a guy i could give my damn heart to... and now im getting it back in tattered pieces in a newly broken way... just when i thought i had it fixed, ya kno? someone messes with it... why is it always me who gets these ppl... the ones who convince you when you dont wanna be convinced... they make you feel things you thought you could never feel again... opened doors you thought had no keys anymore... reopened secrets you thought were locked away in the dark corners of your heart... then PATOOTIE! they're gone... like the wind (ok that was lame =P)
i cant believe i let such a catastrophe happen... maybe im over-reacting... i hope i am... im scared to talk to him later... will he even call me? ok fudge, joanne! you told yourself you wouldnt do this sh*t to yourself... no one is worth it... i hate it when my mushy, needy side tries to take over my tough girl, "i dont care" exterior... GRR!
this heart of mine was broken at 10:26:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
see this is what happens when you start caring about someone... they stop... bricks in one hand and cement in the other, im just about ready to build a wall against him... fudge feeling all this... fudge missing him... if he's stopped trying, so have i... im making a point not to try in relationships anymore... they just arent worth the stress... ive learned that... they end eventually and ure giving yourself a break by letting it go sooner...
am i over-reacting about this whole thing? im so myself with him that im acting like some brat all soon in the relationship... i think ive skipped the politeness part... i was always me with him... part fo the reason why i liked him so much... i never felt like i had to hide who i was cuz he'd like me anyway... and maybe he doesnt now... ok i know i AM over-reacting now... he wouldnt bullsh*t me (i hope)...
see this is what happens when you start caring about someone... they stop... bricks in one hand and cement in the other, im just about ready to build a wall against him... fudge feeling all this... fudge missing him... if he's stopped trying, so have i... im making a point not to try in relationships anymore... they just arent worth the stress... ive learned that... they end eventually and ure giving yourself a break by letting it go sooner...
am i over-reacting about this whole thing? im so myself with him that im acting like some brat all soon in the relationship... i think ive skipped the politeness part... i was always me with him... part fo the reason why i liked him so much... i never felt like i had to hide who i was cuz he'd like me anyway... and maybe he doesnt now... ok i know i AM over-reacting now... he wouldnt bullsh*t me (i hope)...
this heart of mine was broken at 1:43:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, July 05, 2002
(( bcr ))
With every single letter
In every single word
There will be a hidden message
About a boy that loves a girl...
Do you care if I don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight
Will you think of me
Will I shake this off
Pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there
Who feels just like me?
There is...
With every single letter
In every single word
There will be a hidden message
About a boy that loves a girl...
Do you care if I don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight
Will you think of me
Will I shake this off
Pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there
Who feels just like me?
There is...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:46:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, July 04, 2002
[[ song playing in my winamp at the moment ]]
.: rocking horse winner :: steps in sand :.
the years pass by
like songs in my memory
like steps in sand
i know that i've been there
like days that don't end
i know that we've been there
if they don't show, if they don't know
how could this all be true
when life strikes down on them?
as the wind passes by
lifting us in the end
the years bass by
and I know i've been there
like steps in sand
i know that we'll be there
if they don't show, if they don't know
how could this be?
a true tragedy
when life strikes down on them
and everyone's time is at hand
as the wind passes by again
don't let it fade away, don't let it blow away
wind carries the sand
that lifts us up in the end
.: rocking horse winner :: steps in sand :.
the years pass by
like songs in my memory
like steps in sand
i know that i've been there
like days that don't end
i know that we've been there
if they don't show, if they don't know
how could this all be true
when life strikes down on them?
as the wind passes by
lifting us in the end
the years bass by
and I know i've been there
like steps in sand
i know that we'll be there
if they don't show, if they don't know
how could this be?
a true tragedy
when life strikes down on them
and everyone's time is at hand
as the wind passes by again
don't let it fade away, don't let it blow away
wind carries the sand
that lifts us up in the end
this heart of mine was broken at 10:21:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
seeing "him" yesterday made me realize a lot of things... i really am starting to like jeff... like its not even funny anymore... its funny how im finally getting over him... and i used to think it was impossible to do that, ya know? but now its like whatev... its just insane cuz im desperately missing jeff right now... and i cant wait to see him tomorrow... i just miss his arms around me... i never understood how he felt about me until yesterday when i was driving home from seeing my ex... i just hope i didnt push him away too much... well he's still sticking around (thank god)...
one time he dropped his pennies and i told him not to pick up the ones who werent heads up cuz it was unlucky... but he told me he knew a thing or two about luck... he was gonna walk into that movie theatre with me and he didnt know how else he could be luckier... AWW! isnt that damn cute?! yet he doesnt understand that maybe im lucky too... i mean, i found sumone who treated me like a damn princess... you know how many times a day i smile because of him? how much my self image has improved cuz of the things he says? do you know how special i feel just with everything he does?
i know i might have to move to vegas but i found a reason to stay... yeah, beb, its you...
seeing "him" yesterday made me realize a lot of things... i really am starting to like jeff... like its not even funny anymore... its funny how im finally getting over him... and i used to think it was impossible to do that, ya know? but now its like whatev... its just insane cuz im desperately missing jeff right now... and i cant wait to see him tomorrow... i just miss his arms around me... i never understood how he felt about me until yesterday when i was driving home from seeing my ex... i just hope i didnt push him away too much... well he's still sticking around (thank god)...
one time he dropped his pennies and i told him not to pick up the ones who werent heads up cuz it was unlucky... but he told me he knew a thing or two about luck... he was gonna walk into that movie theatre with me and he didnt know how else he could be luckier... AWW! isnt that damn cute?! yet he doesnt understand that maybe im lucky too... i mean, i found sumone who treated me like a damn princess... you know how many times a day i smile because of him? how much my self image has improved cuz of the things he says? do you know how special i feel just with everything he does?
i know i might have to move to vegas but i found a reason to stay... yeah, beb, its you...
this heart of mine was broken at 9:58:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, July 02, 2002
Dear heart,
another good day, i might add... jeff took my sister and me for ice cream... then we went to watch spiderman (again for me)... then he took me to the mall... i had fun... and while we were on the freeway, in the sunlight he noticed the hair on my legs... and we both start cracking up and im all attacking him... hehe... it was fun... he wants to see me again tomorrow but i told him no... sheesh... i KNOW we're gonna get bored of this seeing-each-other-every-waking-moment-bit FAST! ok so i feel so comfy around him... i dont understand how someone ive known for barely a week can make me feel good enough about myself where i can act like me... *shrug... he's really nice... and he's actually willing to introduce me to his friends... at least im sure he isnt ashamed of me... =)
anyway the baseball game was fun... damn i wasnt aware that baseball stadiums are where the hotties hang out... why didnt anybody tell me? hehe and we ate SO much food... they had the hugest layered cakes ive ever seen... they smelled damn good too... it was funny cuz they made fun of how i said oreoles (oreeeoleees).... is that wrong? my goodness... it LOOKs like it should be pronounced like that... the angels lost but i still had fun... i might get tickets for the angels and the yankees... if i get two ima bring jeff... if i get 4 ima bring jon and tina along... woohoo! another double date... so im excited... i dunno my plans for the weekend... i duno if ima stay at sarah's or liann's strip club party... im for sure going to the obeservatory with jeff on friday... then maybe we can do something with ging... i like hanging with people when im with him... he's fun! haha... and saturday is that double date for the zoo... how exciting! i dont know... let me smile... go away! =)
another good day, i might add... jeff took my sister and me for ice cream... then we went to watch spiderman (again for me)... then he took me to the mall... i had fun... and while we were on the freeway, in the sunlight he noticed the hair on my legs... and we both start cracking up and im all attacking him... hehe... it was fun... he wants to see me again tomorrow but i told him no... sheesh... i KNOW we're gonna get bored of this seeing-each-other-every-waking-moment-bit FAST! ok so i feel so comfy around him... i dont understand how someone ive known for barely a week can make me feel good enough about myself where i can act like me... *shrug... he's really nice... and he's actually willing to introduce me to his friends... at least im sure he isnt ashamed of me... =)
anyway the baseball game was fun... damn i wasnt aware that baseball stadiums are where the hotties hang out... why didnt anybody tell me? hehe and we ate SO much food... they had the hugest layered cakes ive ever seen... they smelled damn good too... it was funny cuz they made fun of how i said oreoles (oreeeoleees).... is that wrong? my goodness... it LOOKs like it should be pronounced like that... the angels lost but i still had fun... i might get tickets for the angels and the yankees... if i get two ima bring jeff... if i get 4 ima bring jon and tina along... woohoo! another double date... so im excited... i dunno my plans for the weekend... i duno if ima stay at sarah's or liann's strip club party... im for sure going to the obeservatory with jeff on friday... then maybe we can do something with ging... i like hanging with people when im with him... he's fun! haha... and saturday is that double date for the zoo... how exciting! i dont know... let me smile... go away! =)
this heart of mine was broken at 11:24:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, July 01, 2002
Dear heart,
recap of this fun weekend... (damn i saw "jeff" every day this freaking week)
::wednesday::
o watched minority report
::thursday::
o chilled and watched TV
::friday::
o watched "hey arnold" at the AMC
o picked up my check
o found a shady area in the park and just sat there
o later, went to the movies and watched "mr deeds" at town center
::saturday::
o met tina's jon
o played games at The Powerstation in LBTC (w/ tina, jon, may, n jeff)
o walked around bolsa chica
o the search for steve- asked almost everyone in a grey sweater and pants if their name was steve (lol your welcome, may)
o drove to huntington beach to meet steve... everyone was hungry but the couples stayed at the lifeguard tower to talk and snuggle
o all of us were supposed to go to denny's to eat after, but only me and jeff ended up going
::sunday::
o went to family party
o walked to chuck e. cheese
o window shopping at the mall
o watched lilo and stitch (again)
o hung out with abram and them at starbucks
o jeff picked up me and ging
o jeff took us indy car racing in golf n stuff
o took booth pics
o played at the arcades
o before me and ging got out of the car to go home, we played charades in his car until 12:30 =)
ok this was the one of the funnest weekends ive ever had... and all my friends adore him! they think he's incredibly nice and he gets along so well with him... jon and tina are already asking me when the next double date shall be... most guys i go out with would never agree to that... but we are going to the zoo next weekend... how exciting!
im really trying not to like him so much... but he's not ashamed to hold me in public... or come up from behind and kiss me on the cheek while i play a game... and ging even told me that the way he looks at me sometimes... its really sweet... and he holds my hand when he drives... and he let me have FM2 even though he hates my music... he even lets me play my dumb cds... *gosh its amazing how nice he is to me... its funny how he warns me that he's really an ass to other people... so far my friends arent buying that story... they are like asking when to hang out with him again... hehe...
recap of this fun weekend... (damn i saw "jeff" every day this freaking week)
::wednesday::
o watched minority report
::thursday::
o chilled and watched TV
::friday::
o watched "hey arnold" at the AMC
o picked up my check
o found a shady area in the park and just sat there
o later, went to the movies and watched "mr deeds" at town center
::saturday::
o met tina's jon
o played games at The Powerstation in LBTC (w/ tina, jon, may, n jeff)
o walked around bolsa chica
o the search for steve- asked almost everyone in a grey sweater and pants if their name was steve (lol your welcome, may)
o drove to huntington beach to meet steve... everyone was hungry but the couples stayed at the lifeguard tower to talk and snuggle
o all of us were supposed to go to denny's to eat after, but only me and jeff ended up going
::sunday::
o went to family party
o walked to chuck e. cheese
o window shopping at the mall
o watched lilo and stitch (again)
o hung out with abram and them at starbucks
o jeff picked up me and ging
o jeff took us indy car racing in golf n stuff
o took booth pics
o played at the arcades
o before me and ging got out of the car to go home, we played charades in his car until 12:30 =)
ok this was the one of the funnest weekends ive ever had... and all my friends adore him! they think he's incredibly nice and he gets along so well with him... jon and tina are already asking me when the next double date shall be... most guys i go out with would never agree to that... but we are going to the zoo next weekend... how exciting!
im really trying not to like him so much... but he's not ashamed to hold me in public... or come up from behind and kiss me on the cheek while i play a game... and ging even told me that the way he looks at me sometimes... its really sweet... and he holds my hand when he drives... and he let me have FM2 even though he hates my music... he even lets me play my dumb cds... *gosh its amazing how nice he is to me... its funny how he warns me that he's really an ass to other people... so far my friends arent buying that story... they are like asking when to hang out with him again... hehe...
this heart of mine was broken at 9:22:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart