Friday, May 31, 2002
Dear heart,
i graduate today... im so excited... i feel so happy... everything is going perfect... even though like 3 other ppl have my dress... well my freshman sister gave me a personalized album... it was cute... everything is so cute today... im like floating... oh yeah, and shawn drew a picture of me... it was kinda sweet... and odd... because he said it looks exactly like me, its scary... im all HEY!
pics of my NHS stole...
yay im an SJ graduate!!!
i graduate today... im so excited... i feel so happy... everything is going perfect... even though like 3 other ppl have my dress... well my freshman sister gave me a personalized album... it was cute... everything is so cute today... im like floating... oh yeah, and shawn drew a picture of me... it was kinda sweet... and odd... because he said it looks exactly like me, its scary... im all HEY!
pics of my NHS stole...
yay im an SJ graduate!!!
this heart of mine was broken at 1:48:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, May 30, 2002
[[ a song for no one ]]
he should be you
He doesn't taste like you
He doesn't touch like you
No, I know he can't replace
What never, never went away
There is no substitute
For what I shared with you
No, I know it's not the same
When he, when he calls my name
Does he know that when he's looking in my eyes
I'm thinking in the back of my mind
Thought I was over you
Thought I had spent enough
Time alone living, living on my own
I guess I fooled myself
By thinking I could tell
A broken heart when it should start
Do you know how hard I've tried to let him in
Kept thinking that in time there'd be a spark
How do I let him know
How do I let him go
What'll I say to him to explain
It's not that I don't care
It's just that it's not fair
When I look at him I feel this way
He should be you
How can it be
That the man I wanna love
Is not the man who's loving me
It should be you, it should be me
Don't want to hurt him but it's true
He should be, he should be you
he should be you
He doesn't taste like you
He doesn't touch like you
No, I know he can't replace
What never, never went away
There is no substitute
For what I shared with you
No, I know it's not the same
When he, when he calls my name
Does he know that when he's looking in my eyes
I'm thinking in the back of my mind
Thought I was over you
Thought I had spent enough
Time alone living, living on my own
I guess I fooled myself
By thinking I could tell
A broken heart when it should start
Do you know how hard I've tried to let him in
Kept thinking that in time there'd be a spark
How do I let him know
How do I let him go
What'll I say to him to explain
It's not that I don't care
It's just that it's not fair
When I look at him I feel this way
He should be you
How can it be
That the man I wanna love
Is not the man who's loving me
It should be you, it should be me
Don't want to hurt him but it's true
He should be, he should be you
this heart of mine was broken at 11:58:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
![What Seven Deadly Sin Are YOU? [?]](http://www.sakuracardz.com/questionmark/sevensinslust.gif) | |
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this heart of mine was broken at 11:47:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i think i AM going to be ok... but for real this time... after graduation i know i wont see him anymore... he will be working and every spare moment he'll have will be spent with her... so i wont even trouble myself... dont want to set myself up for that kind of hurt anymore... im finally understanding what he feels and sees... and i hate to admit it, love, but u were right... it just wont work out this time... unless we can forget all the hurt and sh*t we put each other through, then we really cant go back to whatever we were... cuz its really always gonna have the same ending... you cant really forget something like that anyhoo... and who would want to? this reminder is what is giving me strength to move on...
maybe i wont even miss him as much as i would... not talking to him or seeing him, i mean... cuz he isnt talking to me anymore anyway... it doesnt really make a difference, does it? guess not... f*ck... ima miss him, huh?
[[ lyrics of the moment ]]
o like it or not
i think i AM going to be ok... but for real this time... after graduation i know i wont see him anymore... he will be working and every spare moment he'll have will be spent with her... so i wont even trouble myself... dont want to set myself up for that kind of hurt anymore... im finally understanding what he feels and sees... and i hate to admit it, love, but u were right... it just wont work out this time... unless we can forget all the hurt and sh*t we put each other through, then we really cant go back to whatever we were... cuz its really always gonna have the same ending... you cant really forget something like that anyhoo... and who would want to? this reminder is what is giving me strength to move on...
maybe i wont even miss him as much as i would... not talking to him or seeing him, i mean... cuz he isnt talking to me anymore anyway... it doesnt really make a difference, does it? guess not... f*ck... ima miss him, huh?
[[ lyrics of the moment ]]
o like it or not
this heart of mine was broken at 10:42:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
something just hit me right now... that boy i knew back then is never coming back... things arent gonna change... and when he cussed at me, the thought just kept running through my head over and over again... i really miss that guy and all the goofy feelings he gave me...
we were happy, you know... we were different back then... things were different... and i just dont want u to forget that... its obvious that no matter how much two people love each other... its not enough anymore... it comes to a point where things like that dont matter... and i used to have this chocolate covered image of how we used to be... caramelized to perfection... but then just now i saw through all the sweetness and remembered all the hurt i went thru... i had my first anxiety/panic attack because of him... i sat on my bed sweating and shaking, still unable to believe what he did... to this day, i dont think the concept has fully sunk in yet... its my defense mechanisms, i suppose... knowing that reality will be too much for me... i'd probably have a breakdown... that comes later in life, i guess... so im saving it till then...
and yeah i hurt him too... i thought it would be my moment of triumph to get him back... except i really didnt do something as severe as him... but in any case, it made everything worse... it hurt him and that hurt me... cuz i love him... i think it hurt me more than it did him... and i kick myself every day for doing that... for losing that trust... i hope he's kicking himself too... cuz he f*cked up what we had first... he broke the only trust i could grant another person... a guy, at that... does he not understand i woulda stood by his side thru anything and everything... he could treat me like shit for all i care but dont go around behind my back... dont take advantage of the lil faith i had in men that i put all on you... and i just wish it didnt have to happen... but dwelling in the past doesnt help... it just attracts tears to form around my eyes...
i still remember the day he asked to see me after i lied to him yet again... and we were in my room and i thought i was over him... i just thought it was over... i didnt even know WHY he wanted to see me... to hit me? to cuss at me? but he came cuz he missed me and he cried... and i knew then that i fucking love this guy... why the fuck do we do stupid shit to hurt each other... he was all i ever wanted... why wasnt i? why did we make it come to this? why couldnt we have just been there for each other when the other person was hurting? not the person who actually caused it... why couldnt we just love each other like we once did so perfectly... so what it got boring at a point? so what we irritated each other a bunch? so what we couldnt see each other as much? things like that pass... its a phase! why couldnt we wait... why couldnt it be real love that could endure through stuff like that? why?!
fuck i hafto go to work... and im all red and tear-stained... damn writing with feeling!
[[ suggestion of the moment ]]
Believe in me, because I don't believe in anything
something just hit me right now... that boy i knew back then is never coming back... things arent gonna change... and when he cussed at me, the thought just kept running through my head over and over again... i really miss that guy and all the goofy feelings he gave me...
we were happy, you know... we were different back then... things were different... and i just dont want u to forget that... its obvious that no matter how much two people love each other... its not enough anymore... it comes to a point where things like that dont matter... and i used to have this chocolate covered image of how we used to be... caramelized to perfection... but then just now i saw through all the sweetness and remembered all the hurt i went thru... i had my first anxiety/panic attack because of him... i sat on my bed sweating and shaking, still unable to believe what he did... to this day, i dont think the concept has fully sunk in yet... its my defense mechanisms, i suppose... knowing that reality will be too much for me... i'd probably have a breakdown... that comes later in life, i guess... so im saving it till then...
and yeah i hurt him too... i thought it would be my moment of triumph to get him back... except i really didnt do something as severe as him... but in any case, it made everything worse... it hurt him and that hurt me... cuz i love him... i think it hurt me more than it did him... and i kick myself every day for doing that... for losing that trust... i hope he's kicking himself too... cuz he f*cked up what we had first... he broke the only trust i could grant another person... a guy, at that... does he not understand i woulda stood by his side thru anything and everything... he could treat me like shit for all i care but dont go around behind my back... dont take advantage of the lil faith i had in men that i put all on you... and i just wish it didnt have to happen... but dwelling in the past doesnt help... it just attracts tears to form around my eyes...
i still remember the day he asked to see me after i lied to him yet again... and we were in my room and i thought i was over him... i just thought it was over... i didnt even know WHY he wanted to see me... to hit me? to cuss at me? but he came cuz he missed me and he cried... and i knew then that i fucking love this guy... why the fuck do we do stupid shit to hurt each other... he was all i ever wanted... why wasnt i? why did we make it come to this? why couldnt we have just been there for each other when the other person was hurting? not the person who actually caused it... why couldnt we just love each other like we once did so perfectly... so what it got boring at a point? so what we irritated each other a bunch? so what we couldnt see each other as much? things like that pass... its a phase! why couldnt we wait... why couldnt it be real love that could endure through stuff like that? why?!
fuck i hafto go to work... and im all red and tear-stained... damn writing with feeling!
[[ suggestion of the moment ]]
Believe in me, because I don't believe in anything
this heart of mine was broken at 10:36:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
tomorrow is graduation and i wonder if he'll remember to go... i wonder if he'll think about her the whole time... or when he is bored... i wonder if he'll remember he loved me once... or is every second with her letting him forget... i guess it is for the best... at least one of us will be ok...
tomorrow... too much emotion bottle up for one day... i know its just waiting to explode... worry, joy, regret, appreciation, love, paranoia, loneliness, and accomplishment... does he even really want to go? i hope he doesnt feel like he owes it to me... he's probably leaving early for his lil gf... i mean, this IS the only time they can spend time together... he works otherwise...
tomorrow is graduation and i wonder if he'll remember to go... i wonder if he'll think about her the whole time... or when he is bored... i wonder if he'll remember he loved me once... or is every second with her letting him forget... i guess it is for the best... at least one of us will be ok...
tomorrow... too much emotion bottle up for one day... i know its just waiting to explode... worry, joy, regret, appreciation, love, paranoia, loneliness, and accomplishment... does he even really want to go? i hope he doesnt feel like he owes it to me... he's probably leaving early for his lil gf... i mean, this IS the only time they can spend time together... he works otherwise...
this heart of mine was broken at 10:35:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
im back to whine and complain about my life again... god im irritating! but i guess i cope with that by finding other ppl just as guilty...
so basically i see it now... everything is changing... things are getting serious... i bet she is the first thing he calls when he gets home and last thing he hears before he goes to bed... and when he sees my number on his caller id, he refuses to answer it... but now she is a different story... he probably calls her a lot... she's probably someone special to him... and im probably just jojo again... plain ol jojo who means nothing... just some girl he used to love... but not anymore... just some girl who's hands are empty without his heart... he took it away... just some girl who has a space between her chest... he forgot to give her heart back...
yeah, i know.... waaa waaa waaa... all i do is whine about it... it doesnt help does it... it helps me, i guess... i learn better next time... or so i'd like to believe...
im back to whine and complain about my life again... god im irritating! but i guess i cope with that by finding other ppl just as guilty...
so basically i see it now... everything is changing... things are getting serious... i bet she is the first thing he calls when he gets home and last thing he hears before he goes to bed... and when he sees my number on his caller id, he refuses to answer it... but now she is a different story... he probably calls her a lot... she's probably someone special to him... and im probably just jojo again... plain ol jojo who means nothing... just some girl he used to love... but not anymore... just some girl who's hands are empty without his heart... he took it away... just some girl who has a space between her chest... he forgot to give her heart back...
yeah, i know.... waaa waaa waaa... all i do is whine about it... it doesnt help does it... it helps me, i guess... i learn better next time... or so i'd like to believe...
this heart of mine was broken at 2:06:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, May 29, 2002
Dear heart,
just wanted to say thanks to those ppl who dance with me in the wee hours of night... who allow me to bother them incessantly even if its like 2 o'clock where they are... for making me crack up in my sensitive time... for giving me faith in people... thanks for those who have always seemed to be there since forever... who never really grew apart from me (not counting distance)... i appreciate those i get along with so well no matter what... who make me feel like its ok to just be me sometimes... really... thanks chris...
(im sorry... i know how u hate compliments or wutnot... this isnt a compliment, remember? its a fact)
just wanted to say thanks to those ppl who dance with me in the wee hours of night... who allow me to bother them incessantly even if its like 2 o'clock where they are... for making me crack up in my sensitive time... for giving me faith in people... thanks for those who have always seemed to be there since forever... who never really grew apart from me (not counting distance)... i appreciate those i get along with so well no matter what... who make me feel like its ok to just be me sometimes... really... thanks chris...
(im sorry... i know how u hate compliments or wutnot... this isnt a compliment, remember? its a fact)
this heart of mine was broken at 3:24:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, May 28, 2002
[[ thought of the evening ]]
perhaps that is what it means to be human. to feel and to love. because if anything, the one thing that we probably all seek, the one thing that makes us soar, is falling in love. being in love. to be loved. but maybe love scares us as well. for the higher you soar, the further you fall. and one does fall, quite hard. love cannot be forever, because life is not...
perhaps that is what it means to be human. to feel and to love. because if anything, the one thing that we probably all seek, the one thing that makes us soar, is falling in love. being in love. to be loved. but maybe love scares us as well. for the higher you soar, the further you fall. and one does fall, quite hard. love cannot be forever, because life is not...
this heart of mine was broken at 1:21:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i should be sleeping now or studying for my physics final... but i dont think its happening... just thinking about today... he came to watch a movie and we didnt finish... we are supposed to watch it again when we have time... but then he said he's gonna be working alot now so... i dont think thats ever happening either...
i guess i should be glad we arent together anymore... cuz i wont be seeing him anyway... since he is working totally full time now plus his other job... that leaves no time for some nothing in his life like me... he will have to make room for friends, of course... and his gf... but me? he'll be like, "who's that?" so unless i get a new curfew or i drive down there... seeing him will be, as of now, NON-EXISTENT... not that it will matter much to him...
anyway, he'll be seeing more of his gf who prolly visits him at work or whatnot... and i noticed when i refer to her as "his gf", he doesnt protest... so i guess they are kinda together now... ah, who cares... you swear like its not easy to snag a bf... cuz fellows are just lined up for that crap... but see, i dont just want a bf... i want to fall in love... to be in love... and i havent found anyone who does that for me... who touches me half as deeply as "him" ever did... cuz he really did sumthing to my heart that made me radiate with love... and i wanna find sumthing like that again...
maybe thas y i wanted him back cuz i think its still in him... to be that guy he used to be to me... to love me as much as he used to... but i guess that guy is never coming back... maybe he was never that guy... it was just the beginning and you never really know the whole person then...
the funny thing is, i never took a moment for granted... i realized that... if we went somewhere and there were good-looking guys, i'd think "i have the best looking guy in the world and im so lucky to have him"... i was just lucky to have him like he was lucky to have me... i mean, i'd give up a room of hotties for him... to be with him... yeah i guess im just gay like that...
how long will it take until i meet sumone who makes me feel like that again? how long will it take until he does? thoughts i shouldnt be thinking about right now... and... that is all...
i should be sleeping now or studying for my physics final... but i dont think its happening... just thinking about today... he came to watch a movie and we didnt finish... we are supposed to watch it again when we have time... but then he said he's gonna be working alot now so... i dont think thats ever happening either...
i guess i should be glad we arent together anymore... cuz i wont be seeing him anyway... since he is working totally full time now plus his other job... that leaves no time for some nothing in his life like me... he will have to make room for friends, of course... and his gf... but me? he'll be like, "who's that?" so unless i get a new curfew or i drive down there... seeing him will be, as of now, NON-EXISTENT... not that it will matter much to him...
anyway, he'll be seeing more of his gf who prolly visits him at work or whatnot... and i noticed when i refer to her as "his gf", he doesnt protest... so i guess they are kinda together now... ah, who cares... you swear like its not easy to snag a bf... cuz fellows are just lined up for that crap... but see, i dont just want a bf... i want to fall in love... to be in love... and i havent found anyone who does that for me... who touches me half as deeply as "him" ever did... cuz he really did sumthing to my heart that made me radiate with love... and i wanna find sumthing like that again...
maybe thas y i wanted him back cuz i think its still in him... to be that guy he used to be to me... to love me as much as he used to... but i guess that guy is never coming back... maybe he was never that guy... it was just the beginning and you never really know the whole person then...
the funny thing is, i never took a moment for granted... i realized that... if we went somewhere and there were good-looking guys, i'd think "i have the best looking guy in the world and im so lucky to have him"... i was just lucky to have him like he was lucky to have me... i mean, i'd give up a room of hotties for him... to be with him... yeah i guess im just gay like that...
how long will it take until i meet sumone who makes me feel like that again? how long will it take until he does? thoughts i shouldnt be thinking about right now... and... that is all...
this heart of mine was broken at 1:00:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i bought my graduation dress today... its all white and i feel like im some bride... my sister helped humor me by giving me a veil and dressing up as a flower girl...
and it wouldn't be complete without the nose pickers...
i bought my graduation dress today... its all white and i feel like im some bride... my sister helped humor me by giving me a veil and dressing up as a flower girl...
and it wouldn't be complete without the nose pickers...
this heart of mine was broken at 12:47:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, May 27, 2002
Dear heart,
its late and i have fashioned the messy look atop my head...
hmmm... (i like this pose now, i think) is it just me or do i look mad? i just look odd...
i am quite restless yet again... i wish for rain to put me to sleep... i wish for a kiss to send me off to dreamland... i wish for love to help me get through nights like this... i wish for wishes to come true so i could stop wishing already...
its late and i have fashioned the messy look atop my head...
hmmm... (i like this pose now, i think) is it just me or do i look mad? i just look odd...
i am quite restless yet again... i wish for rain to put me to sleep... i wish for a kiss to send me off to dreamland... i wish for love to help me get through nights like this... i wish for wishes to come true so i could stop wishing already...
this heart of mine was broken at 12:57:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, May 26, 2002
[[ favorite ozma lyics ]]
= apple trees
= the ups and downs
= battle scars
= no one nees to know
= iceland
= rain of the golden gorilla
= apple trees
= the ups and downs
= battle scars
= no one nees to know
= iceland
= rain of the golden gorilla
this heart of mine was broken at 11:11:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i wonder if she is the last thing he hears before he falls asleep... or maybe they fall asleep on the phone together... like we used to do... while i fall asleep to the cold emptiness of my room and wish sumone out there was making it a little easier by thinking about me... i dont really know what he thinks when he sees me... or what he feels when he hugs me... im not sure if he feels forced to kiss me or that he actually wants to... so many things im not sure of anymore... and im not sure i want to be sure of them...
i had to tell him i love him tonight... i mean, its less futile than saying it to a picture... and a "me too" was sufficient i guess... except i remember he only said that when he started seeing her and prolly couldnt bear to lie to me... not about that... and i wonder if he still really does... sometimes i wish i knew what was in that heart of his... i wish i knew him better... because i thought i did once... but he always has a way of proving me wrong... and im tired of thinking he's on way when he's the other and thinking he is when he's not... i dont know... i just wish i was still sure he loved me...
well thats all folks... ima watch harry potter now since he wont let me finish our movie... *wink and gun* (haha, brought to you by chris)
i wonder if she is the last thing he hears before he falls asleep... or maybe they fall asleep on the phone together... like we used to do... while i fall asleep to the cold emptiness of my room and wish sumone out there was making it a little easier by thinking about me... i dont really know what he thinks when he sees me... or what he feels when he hugs me... im not sure if he feels forced to kiss me or that he actually wants to... so many things im not sure of anymore... and im not sure i want to be sure of them...
i had to tell him i love him tonight... i mean, its less futile than saying it to a picture... and a "me too" was sufficient i guess... except i remember he only said that when he started seeing her and prolly couldnt bear to lie to me... not about that... and i wonder if he still really does... sometimes i wish i knew what was in that heart of his... i wish i knew him better... because i thought i did once... but he always has a way of proving me wrong... and im tired of thinking he's on way when he's the other and thinking he is when he's not... i dont know... i just wish i was still sure he loved me...
well thats all folks... ima watch harry potter now since he wont let me finish our movie... *wink and gun* (haha, brought to you by chris)
this heart of mine was broken at 10:36:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
it would have been a year and 9 months today... yeah just wanted to point that out... 21 months... but its not our anniversary anymore... so it would be just like "hey we've known each other this long"... but to me, its like "i've been living this long"... and loving you every day...
it would have been a year and 9 months today... yeah just wanted to point that out... 21 months... but its not our anniversary anymore... so it would be just like "hey we've known each other this long"... but to me, its like "i've been living this long"... and loving you every day...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:57:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
o my goodness... last night, paprika popped my concert cherry... i went to my first-ever show! and i had a blast... i didnt fit in there cuz everyone was dressed all alternative or whatnot while i was all girly girl... but it was cool anyway... usually i dont even like that screaming music... but being there like 5 steps away from the band really gets to u... i was like screaming and losing my voice... and before i went to sleep, i could still hear a faint buzz in my ears... it was quite odd... and then after we met at downtown disney to eat and then she took me home cuz i had to be back already... i cant believe my dad said yes... i was happy... quite suprising of him...
dazed eyes of the de-virginized concert virgin
me and my ticket... it was AWESOME!!!
a calendar of shows...
hmmm... should i go to another one? (hell yes!!)
o my goodness... last night, paprika popped my concert cherry... i went to my first-ever show! and i had a blast... i didnt fit in there cuz everyone was dressed all alternative or whatnot while i was all girly girl... but it was cool anyway... usually i dont even like that screaming music... but being there like 5 steps away from the band really gets to u... i was like screaming and losing my voice... and before i went to sleep, i could still hear a faint buzz in my ears... it was quite odd... and then after we met at downtown disney to eat and then she took me home cuz i had to be back already... i cant believe my dad said yes... i was happy... quite suprising of him...
dazed eyes of the de-virginized concert virgin
me and my ticket... it was AWESOME!!!
a calendar of shows...
hmmm... should i go to another one? (hell yes!!)
this heart of mine was broken at 11:36:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, May 25, 2002
[[ random dc lyrics of the moment ]]
((for oct. 18))
i heard about...
the cool girls that you spent them with.
well I guess I should have heard of them from you.
i guess I should have heard of them from you.
don't you see, don't you see,
that the charade is over?
and all the "Best Deceptions" and "Clever Cover Story" awards go to you
so kiss me hard
'cause this will be the last time that I let you.
you will be back someday
and this awkward kiss that tells of other people's lips
will be of service
to keeping you away
i heard about your regrets
i heard that you were feeling sorry
i heard from someone that you wish you could set things right between us
well I guess I should have heard of them from you
i guess I should have heard of them from you
i'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers
i'll be all right when my hands get warm
ignoring the phone
id rather say nothing
id rather you'd never heard my voice
too late to be gracious
and you do not warrant long good-byes
you're calling too late
((for oct. 18))
i heard about...
the cool girls that you spent them with.
well I guess I should have heard of them from you.
i guess I should have heard of them from you.
don't you see, don't you see,
that the charade is over?
and all the "Best Deceptions" and "Clever Cover Story" awards go to you
so kiss me hard
'cause this will be the last time that I let you.
you will be back someday
and this awkward kiss that tells of other people's lips
will be of service
to keeping you away
i heard about your regrets
i heard that you were feeling sorry
i heard from someone that you wish you could set things right between us
well I guess I should have heard of them from you
i guess I should have heard of them from you
i'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers
i'll be all right when my hands get warm
ignoring the phone
id rather say nothing
id rather you'd never heard my voice
too late to be gracious
and you do not warrant long good-byes
you're calling too late
this heart of mine was broken at 10:04:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
it is another morning and i cant believe i woke up late and missed bosco's graduation... damn me! i'd go off on my love tangents right now but i just wanna dwell on the fact that this is the last weekend of my senior year... like seriously... its not hitting me that tuesday starts finals and friday is graduation... that i may never see those people again...
and tina, my bestest friend ever who is moving like 7 hours away from me... where am i going to find someone who can totally understand me? who laughs at absolutely nothing with me? who can just do embarassingly absurd things with me to amuse ourselves? tell me where i can get another friend like that...
and i stand by my ground that my next relationship should be like a friendship... to try to weed out jealousy cuz that really kills a lot of things... like tina has other friends... ones she goes out with, takes pictures with, etc... but i know im her best friend... no matter what i know that deep in my heart... and she knows she is mine... i may sit with other people or go out with other friends instead of her but she's not going to trip on me because it is ok... cuz we understand the independence in this relationship and it makes it stronger... we can breathe and yet we can be around each other all the time too...
its funny how there hasnt been one moment where i was bored with her... we'd always have something to complain about, joke about, make fun of... and we don't really get into fights... yeah we get irritated of each other sometimes... but that stuff happens... and it doesnt last more than a day and we talk about it... (sorry, tina, for that time with b.w.) and yes... she knows quite a lot about me... even though its weird that "him" knows more... like he knows EVERYthing about me... every dark secret, every embarassment and drightening thing that makes me me... well, almost everything... the heart is a vast wasteland of secrets no one can fully explore... i'm going to miss it all... friends, senior year, tina... yeah and maybe "him" cuz in a way im losing him forever too... i already have...
it is another morning and i cant believe i woke up late and missed bosco's graduation... damn me! i'd go off on my love tangents right now but i just wanna dwell on the fact that this is the last weekend of my senior year... like seriously... its not hitting me that tuesday starts finals and friday is graduation... that i may never see those people again...
and tina, my bestest friend ever who is moving like 7 hours away from me... where am i going to find someone who can totally understand me? who laughs at absolutely nothing with me? who can just do embarassingly absurd things with me to amuse ourselves? tell me where i can get another friend like that...
and i stand by my ground that my next relationship should be like a friendship... to try to weed out jealousy cuz that really kills a lot of things... like tina has other friends... ones she goes out with, takes pictures with, etc... but i know im her best friend... no matter what i know that deep in my heart... and she knows she is mine... i may sit with other people or go out with other friends instead of her but she's not going to trip on me because it is ok... cuz we understand the independence in this relationship and it makes it stronger... we can breathe and yet we can be around each other all the time too...
its funny how there hasnt been one moment where i was bored with her... we'd always have something to complain about, joke about, make fun of... and we don't really get into fights... yeah we get irritated of each other sometimes... but that stuff happens... and it doesnt last more than a day and we talk about it... (sorry, tina, for that time with b.w.) and yes... she knows quite a lot about me... even though its weird that "him" knows more... like he knows EVERYthing about me... every dark secret, every embarassment and drightening thing that makes me me... well, almost everything... the heart is a vast wasteland of secrets no one can fully explore... i'm going to miss it all... friends, senior year, tina... yeah and maybe "him" cuz in a way im losing him forever too... i already have...
this heart of mine was broken at 9:48:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i have given up my stupid pride and asked him back... and i know you think me pathetic... but i really don't care what anyone thinks anymore... he is all that matters... i dont even know what his reaction will be... its 95% sure to be a "no it wont work this time"... but there's still hope... that 5% gives a girl some damn initiative, dont it? i just have a lot of faith in us... that we were supposed to be together... i've seen the boys of this world and they will never be you... and you are all i want... why would i want a xerox copy when i can have the original? i just want you... you make me feel something that i cant get from anyone else... love... i love you... my life means nothing without you...
*crosses fingers*
but if the answer is no like the obvious is saying... then i will give up completely... you will see the difference in my entrees... i will lose that light inside of me because love fuels that... without it, i am cold and empty... pray for me... pray for us... pray for love all over the world...
i have given up my stupid pride and asked him back... and i know you think me pathetic... but i really don't care what anyone thinks anymore... he is all that matters... i dont even know what his reaction will be... its 95% sure to be a "no it wont work this time"... but there's still hope... that 5% gives a girl some damn initiative, dont it? i just have a lot of faith in us... that we were supposed to be together... i've seen the boys of this world and they will never be you... and you are all i want... why would i want a xerox copy when i can have the original? i just want you... you make me feel something that i cant get from anyone else... love... i love you... my life means nothing without you...
*crosses fingers*
but if the answer is no like the obvious is saying... then i will give up completely... you will see the difference in my entrees... i will lose that light inside of me because love fuels that... without it, i am cold and empty... pray for me... pray for us... pray for love all over the world...
this heart of mine was broken at 1:28:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, May 24, 2002
[[ random enlightenments of the day ]]
+ i'd rather be a coward then brave because being brave hurts
+ if you have to resort to violence, you've already lost
+ if you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it
+ you always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows ( this is SOOO me!)
+ England and America are two countries separated by the same language
+ friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together (for tina)
+ you may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try
+ in the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends
+ if you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. don't complain.
+ the greatest happiness you can have is knowing that you do not necessarily require happiness
+ you can live a lifetime and, at the end of it, know more about other people than you know about yourself
+ i destroy my enemy when I make him my friend
+ if we want things to stay the way they are, thngs have got to change
+ who's more foolish? the fool, or the fool who follows him? (the fool who cannot see love staring him straight in the eye, or the fool who cannot understand the fool doesn't love her anymore?)
+ it's not the length of life, but the depth of life
+ i'd rather be a coward then brave because being brave hurts
+ if you have to resort to violence, you've already lost
+ if you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it
+ you always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows ( this is SOOO me!)
+ England and America are two countries separated by the same language
+ friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together (for tina)
+ you may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try
+ in the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends
+ if you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. don't complain.
+ the greatest happiness you can have is knowing that you do not necessarily require happiness
+ you can live a lifetime and, at the end of it, know more about other people than you know about yourself
+ i destroy my enemy when I make him my friend
+ if we want things to stay the way they are, thngs have got to change
+ who's more foolish? the fool, or the fool who follows him? (the fool who cannot see love staring him straight in the eye, or the fool who cannot understand the fool doesn't love her anymore?)
+ it's not the length of life, but the depth of life
this heart of mine was broken at 4:26:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i guess he has another love interest yet again... and i guess im ok with it now... i just want him to be happy... i hope he's found what he was searching for... cuz i could tell he was already sure he wasnt ever gonna find it in me... its kinda hard feeling like i do right now... its so unexplainable...
i always say things to myself like "if this doesn't happen, then we werent meant to be"... and time and time again it tells me it wasnt... and i guess i just cant get a hint... its called persistance... which is an annoying quality i loathe about myself... i posses the 3 curses of peoplekind: faith, hope, and love... faith in the hope of love... where everything but your heart tells you no... i just wish hearts didnt whisper so loud... sumtimes i wish i didnt have any so it wouldnt have to get all broken and everything...
but yes... i hafto say it again... to remind myself... that i hope that girl makes him incredibly happy... cuz i sure did try... and i must get used to her being more important than me... i must be prepared for stuff like that... cuz the only thing holding on for us is the memories and thats fading fast... "memories are like ghosts... they only matter when they are living"... i NEED to understand that in a couple of months he'll be saying like "ew, pinklunatik"... and i wont even know him anymore...
its over, jojo... it is... f*cking get over it already... like chris said... "someday he's going to find someone who means everything to him" so these girls who are becoming more important... and who he will eventually love more than me, if not already... they will be like pebbles compared to the girl chris mentioned... that is the person that will forever shred my heart to pieces... yet then again i will have someone too... life will be wonderful... and even though it hurts me sometimes, it just wont matter that he doesnt love me anymore... cuz someone else does and i'll love them just as much... yeah... thats it... *sigh
[[ motto of the day ]]
We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.
i guess he has another love interest yet again... and i guess im ok with it now... i just want him to be happy... i hope he's found what he was searching for... cuz i could tell he was already sure he wasnt ever gonna find it in me... its kinda hard feeling like i do right now... its so unexplainable...
i always say things to myself like "if this doesn't happen, then we werent meant to be"... and time and time again it tells me it wasnt... and i guess i just cant get a hint... its called persistance... which is an annoying quality i loathe about myself... i posses the 3 curses of peoplekind: faith, hope, and love... faith in the hope of love... where everything but your heart tells you no... i just wish hearts didnt whisper so loud... sumtimes i wish i didnt have any so it wouldnt have to get all broken and everything...
but yes... i hafto say it again... to remind myself... that i hope that girl makes him incredibly happy... cuz i sure did try... and i must get used to her being more important than me... i must be prepared for stuff like that... cuz the only thing holding on for us is the memories and thats fading fast... "memories are like ghosts... they only matter when they are living"... i NEED to understand that in a couple of months he'll be saying like "ew, pinklunatik"... and i wont even know him anymore...
its over, jojo... it is... f*cking get over it already... like chris said... "someday he's going to find someone who means everything to him" so these girls who are becoming more important... and who he will eventually love more than me, if not already... they will be like pebbles compared to the girl chris mentioned... that is the person that will forever shred my heart to pieces... yet then again i will have someone too... life will be wonderful... and even though it hurts me sometimes, it just wont matter that he doesnt love me anymore... cuz someone else does and i'll love them just as much... yeah... thats it... *sigh
[[ motto of the day ]]
We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.
this heart of mine was broken at 2:14:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, May 23, 2002
Dear heart,
you will miss me... and this is why:
((today))
- 1: shower
- 2: take pictures with HE
- 3: chill with HE
- 4: gradnight!!!!
((tomorrow))
- 1: sleep!
- 2: chill and talk time at the block
- 3: j's sleepover
((saturday))
- 1: bosco's graduation
- 2: starbucks with the cool kids
- 3: finally... GO HOME!
aren't ya'll gonna miss me?
you will miss me... and this is why:
((today))
- 1: shower
- 2: take pictures with HE
- 3: chill with HE
- 4: gradnight!!!!
((tomorrow))
- 1: sleep!
- 2: chill and talk time at the block
- 3: j's sleepover
((saturday))
- 1: bosco's graduation
- 2: starbucks with the cool kids
- 3: finally... GO HOME!
aren't ya'll gonna miss me?
this heart of mine was broken at 3:10:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, May 21, 2002
[[ movie quote of the moment]]
:brought to you by ocean's 11:
ocean: does he make you laugh?
tess: he doesnt make me cry
now THAT was killa... lol... very good point...
:brought to you by ocean's 11:
ocean: does he make you laugh?
tess: he doesnt make me cry
now THAT was killa... lol... very good point...
this heart of mine was broken at 3:19:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, May 20, 2002
Dear heart,
im listening to this cd that played after i lost my virginity... and im just tearing like an idiot... "and it's telling me it might be you... all of my life"... how fudging depressing! i gave him so much you know... even the one thing that made me special... and he will have it forever... whilst i have nothing... not even his love... i wasnt even the one... he wasnt even the one... so why did i just give that up? i gave it so easily... as if it were mine to give... it didnt even belong to me to begin with... it was that sweet innocent girl i grew up with... she used to hold on to it so dearly... promising herself only the love of her life could take it away from her...
but i was selfish and i made decisions to keep the love of my life... but it doesnt really work... thats not the thing to make someone love you... you are the only thing you can use to get someone to love you... what you say, your smile, all the things u cant control... and if they cant do it... then its not your fault, i guess...
i just wanted to apologize to the girl i used to be... for all the promises i broke... for all the things i sacrificed just to grow up... for putting myself in positions where i knew i'd get hurt but did it anyway all because of this never-failing faith of love in my heart... the good stuff that made me who i was... that formed the mold of that tiny child... has come to haunt me... and prove to be my hardest flaw to overcome... i have the eyes of a child but the scars of a war-hero... i know im barely 18 but ive been through so much... too much for someone my age... like heart-wrenching drama i didnt really think happened in real life... not to someone as young as me anyway...
im just sad... i hate contemplating my virginity... or the non-existence of it... god, oh WHY did you make me grow up? why did you make me see things that split my eyes open to the real world? why couldnt you leave me in dreamland? it was nice there...
*points to mom's tummy... I WANNA GO BACK!!
im listening to this cd that played after i lost my virginity... and im just tearing like an idiot... "and it's telling me it might be you... all of my life"... how fudging depressing! i gave him so much you know... even the one thing that made me special... and he will have it forever... whilst i have nothing... not even his love... i wasnt even the one... he wasnt even the one... so why did i just give that up? i gave it so easily... as if it were mine to give... it didnt even belong to me to begin with... it was that sweet innocent girl i grew up with... she used to hold on to it so dearly... promising herself only the love of her life could take it away from her...
but i was selfish and i made decisions to keep the love of my life... but it doesnt really work... thats not the thing to make someone love you... you are the only thing you can use to get someone to love you... what you say, your smile, all the things u cant control... and if they cant do it... then its not your fault, i guess...
i just wanted to apologize to the girl i used to be... for all the promises i broke... for all the things i sacrificed just to grow up... for putting myself in positions where i knew i'd get hurt but did it anyway all because of this never-failing faith of love in my heart... the good stuff that made me who i was... that formed the mold of that tiny child... has come to haunt me... and prove to be my hardest flaw to overcome... i have the eyes of a child but the scars of a war-hero... i know im barely 18 but ive been through so much... too much for someone my age... like heart-wrenching drama i didnt really think happened in real life... not to someone as young as me anyway...
im just sad... i hate contemplating my virginity... or the non-existence of it... god, oh WHY did you make me grow up? why did you make me see things that split my eyes open to the real world? why couldnt you leave me in dreamland? it was nice there...
*points to mom's tummy... I WANNA GO BACK!!
this heart of mine was broken at 11:36:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
so much HE drama today its not even funny... but all this made me miss shawn for some reason... like he met them and they always ask about him... i just havent had the time for him lately... and when he calls, i tell him i'll call him back but i always seem to forget... i just kinda miss his smile and his idiotic ways... is that wrong?
oh yeah... i just got pics back from my parents' b-day... we look cute together... it makes me sick... its like the extremes of opposite emotions... when i think of when he lied to me and made me feel awful about myself, i like almost hate him and have this overwhelming feeling of hurt and betrayal... and then there are the good memories, it's like i fall in love with him all over again... and i wonder if it will always have to be either one of those... will there ever be an in-between where i can just love him but not be IN love with him... and i just feel ok with him being not part of my life...? is there a plankton of a chance? hehe... aint that corny...
so much HE drama today its not even funny... but all this made me miss shawn for some reason... like he met them and they always ask about him... i just havent had the time for him lately... and when he calls, i tell him i'll call him back but i always seem to forget... i just kinda miss his smile and his idiotic ways... is that wrong?
oh yeah... i just got pics back from my parents' b-day... we look cute together... it makes me sick... its like the extremes of opposite emotions... when i think of when he lied to me and made me feel awful about myself, i like almost hate him and have this overwhelming feeling of hurt and betrayal... and then there are the good memories, it's like i fall in love with him all over again... and i wonder if it will always have to be either one of those... will there ever be an in-between where i can just love him but not be IN love with him... and i just feel ok with him being not part of my life...? is there a plankton of a chance? hehe... aint that corny...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:26:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, May 19, 2002
Dear heart,
loneliness DOES bring insanity... i go shopping and buy mindeless and extrememly useless toys... but for some odd reason i love it! well shopping at brea mall yest, this patheticness possessed me to buy "the original dump kit"....
haha well actually i wasnt the one who got dumped... but it seems that way now for some reason... here is what this $10 dollar package entails...:
-a rotten hate letter to tell the guy what a "jerkface" he was... haha...
-a voodoo doll to torture your heartbreaking loved one... and making him SUFFER! i mean, he broke your heart, now its your turn to "stick it to him"... this is so weird!
-and most importantly, the rubber band... so in case u ever have a minor relapse of affection for him, u can "snap" yourself out of it... LITERALLY... it hurt too... i think i have a buncha marks now...
*items not pictured*
-soap to "wash your hands" of him completely...
-bull's eye target with a space to put his picture in the middle... (suggestion: use a picture where he's looking especially smug)
-and a dart... to be used with the item above...
-lapel pin that says "stop me/ before i date again... used for deflecting men until you're ready to date...
dump kit= $10.00
amusement with these fun gadgets: PRICELESS! teeheehee
loneliness DOES bring insanity... i go shopping and buy mindeless and extrememly useless toys... but for some odd reason i love it! well shopping at brea mall yest, this patheticness possessed me to buy "the original dump kit"....
haha well actually i wasnt the one who got dumped... but it seems that way now for some reason... here is what this $10 dollar package entails...:
-a rotten hate letter to tell the guy what a "jerkface" he was... haha...
-a voodoo doll to torture your heartbreaking loved one... and making him SUFFER! i mean, he broke your heart, now its your turn to "stick it to him"... this is so weird!
-and most importantly, the rubber band... so in case u ever have a minor relapse of affection for him, u can "snap" yourself out of it... LITERALLY... it hurt too... i think i have a buncha marks now...
*items not pictured*
-soap to "wash your hands" of him completely...
-bull's eye target with a space to put his picture in the middle... (suggestion: use a picture where he's looking especially smug)
-and a dart... to be used with the item above...
-lapel pin that says "stop me/ before i date again... used for deflecting men until you're ready to date...
dump kit= $10.00
amusement with these fun gadgets: PRICELESS! teeheehee
this heart of mine was broken at 11:08:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
my eyes are a little more open now... and he's right... im acting like we're still together and we're not... its over... forever... and it was difficult for me at first to let go of my first love... to understand that this was never meant to be... but i guess i will learn... and each day im accepting all of this more and more... i will survive...
feelings are fickle... like i visited stan today... and he has this really fine friend named justin... he was talking to me while stan was helping a customer... he's all "you brought that expresso all the way here for me?" i like roll my eyes and say "sure y not." and then he asked for a sip so i let him... and we started talking... asking if i was stan's gf... i was like nope... now this boy was dangerously attractive... that is all...
i feel sorta embarssed holding back all this time... cuz i'd sumtimes forget that i'll never be his girl again... its one of those things that can be a lil hard to accept... i mean, a year and 7 months of memories just doesnt disappear like that... how can u get over that sh*t? i mean, i know im gonna love again... but is it gonna be the same? will i forever compare him to my first love... no two people are alike... i hafto understand that... and then again i thought i'd never get over chaz and i truly believed i'd compare everyone to him... but i got over it... and i have no more feelings whatsoever... but that wasnt real love... this is... or WAS real love... right? and no
it sucks wen u actually believed it was meant to be... that you two were meant to be together... i guess thas why i kept fighting and trying... but i supposed he's right... he knew it all along... we really didnt belong together... the one-sided-faith gig doesnt really work anyhoo... it's gotta come from both sides... from both hearts... and maybe thas what we were missing... agreement between our hearts... the only think we could agree on is that we loved each other... but i guess sometimes that just isnt enough for people... it isnt... so what else is left out there to be enough?
my eyes are a little more open now... and he's right... im acting like we're still together and we're not... its over... forever... and it was difficult for me at first to let go of my first love... to understand that this was never meant to be... but i guess i will learn... and each day im accepting all of this more and more... i will survive...
feelings are fickle... like i visited stan today... and he has this really fine friend named justin... he was talking to me while stan was helping a customer... he's all "you brought that expresso all the way here for me?" i like roll my eyes and say "sure y not." and then he asked for a sip so i let him... and we started talking... asking if i was stan's gf... i was like nope... now this boy was dangerously attractive... that is all...
i feel sorta embarssed holding back all this time... cuz i'd sumtimes forget that i'll never be his girl again... its one of those things that can be a lil hard to accept... i mean, a year and 7 months of memories just doesnt disappear like that... how can u get over that sh*t? i mean, i know im gonna love again... but is it gonna be the same? will i forever compare him to my first love... no two people are alike... i hafto understand that... and then again i thought i'd never get over chaz and i truly believed i'd compare everyone to him... but i got over it... and i have no more feelings whatsoever... but that wasnt real love... this is... or WAS real love... right? and no
it sucks wen u actually believed it was meant to be... that you two were meant to be together... i guess thas why i kept fighting and trying... but i supposed he's right... he knew it all along... we really didnt belong together... the one-sided-faith gig doesnt really work anyhoo... it's gotta come from both sides... from both hearts... and maybe thas what we were missing... agreement between our hearts... the only think we could agree on is that we loved each other... but i guess sometimes that just isnt enough for people... it isnt... so what else is left out there to be enough?
this heart of mine was broken at 10:39:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
yeah, ive just saved you some heartbreak... so even though im crying, it'll be ok... hold my hand and we shall move on together... im just really emotionally drained right now... and i just wish i could be a lil robot that felt nothing at all... no regret, no worry, no pain... or push a lil button that stops the hurting... why cant it be that easy? please be strong this time... please... im going to bed finally.... ive given up at 2... mark this on your calendar... ive finally given up on us may 19, 2:00 am... its ok... this is the closure i needed... im tired of crying... and these, i hope, will be the last tears i cry over u...
yeah, ive just saved you some heartbreak... so even though im crying, it'll be ok... hold my hand and we shall move on together... im just really emotionally drained right now... and i just wish i could be a lil robot that felt nothing at all... no regret, no worry, no pain... or push a lil button that stops the hurting... why cant it be that easy? please be strong this time... please... im going to bed finally.... ive given up at 2... mark this on your calendar... ive finally given up on us may 19, 2:00 am... its ok... this is the closure i needed... im tired of crying... and these, i hope, will be the last tears i cry over u...
this heart of mine was broken at 2:06:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
its early morning and i still havent slept yet... i think part of me is waiting for him to get home and wont let me go to bed... i can just imagine him doing things we used to do with another girl... except i could never stay out this late... and even if i could, he wouldnt stay with me... like he gets bored with me so easily... i dont get it... im just not fun anymore, i guess... and when he spends time with me, its always a dull moment... in contrary to what it used to be... things change, i guess... people change too and forget to tell each other... *sigh
it felt like sunday today... well it actually is sunday already... but u know what i mean... and this will be my last week of real school... i feel so whatev about it and i wish i could hold on to every single second... i have a pimple in my nose and its irritating... i wish he'd just call already so i'd stop worrying about this boy i have no reason to be worried about... i really shoulda gotten with stan, huh? find sumeone to take up my time so i can just stop thinking about him already... i hate feeling like this, is all... i dont even feel like offering you people a cookie tonight... =(
its early morning and i still havent slept yet... i think part of me is waiting for him to get home and wont let me go to bed... i can just imagine him doing things we used to do with another girl... except i could never stay out this late... and even if i could, he wouldnt stay with me... like he gets bored with me so easily... i dont get it... im just not fun anymore, i guess... and when he spends time with me, its always a dull moment... in contrary to what it used to be... things change, i guess... people change too and forget to tell each other... *sigh
it felt like sunday today... well it actually is sunday already... but u know what i mean... and this will be my last week of real school... i feel so whatev about it and i wish i could hold on to every single second... i have a pimple in my nose and its irritating... i wish he'd just call already so i'd stop worrying about this boy i have no reason to be worried about... i really shoulda gotten with stan, huh? find sumeone to take up my time so i can just stop thinking about him already... i hate feeling like this, is all... i dont even feel like offering you people a cookie tonight... =(
this heart of mine was broken at 1:44:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, May 18, 2002
Dear heart,
its funny that when he has to go out with friends, he leaves like 1:30 to go see them... but when its me, its like 4 o'clock before he even starts getting ready... what does that tell you about me? what does that tell you about what kind of worth i have in his eyes? i guess not much... maybe i should go out with stan tonight... he says he wants to ask me to be his gf in person... i didnt wanna go cuz i thought i was gonna say no...
but why dont i just say yes? see where this relationship takes me... i mean, it cant be that bad, right? i hafto give ppl some kind of chance or i will never experience anything... never learn... never live...
its funny that when he has to go out with friends, he leaves like 1:30 to go see them... but when its me, its like 4 o'clock before he even starts getting ready... what does that tell you about me? what does that tell you about what kind of worth i have in his eyes? i guess not much... maybe i should go out with stan tonight... he says he wants to ask me to be his gf in person... i didnt wanna go cuz i thought i was gonna say no...
but why dont i just say yes? see where this relationship takes me... i mean, it cant be that bad, right? i hafto give ppl some kind of chance or i will never experience anything... never learn... never live...
this heart of mine was broken at 1:50:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i was just thinking about depression... and i think we're all a little depressed inside... so consumed by our insecurities and self criticism... we blame ourselves for the past, pressure ourselves about the future... and our present is sort of wasted doing that... and with depression... and my only defense is this natural ant-depressant inside of me... this smile, this optimistic attitude that i wish people could see through... i dont think its that bad tho... cuz most of the time, its this that keeps me alive... that keeps me going thru the day... this need to always seem like im happy... but pretending works because sometimes i forget that im playing a part...
and i actually become part of that smiling girl...
but then again when tragedy strikes, i get hit with it harder... it becomes harder to pretend and act like everything is peachy... that would kill me inside and just explode when i get home...and all this frustration comes out into a form of tears and angry words towards myself.
i dont know why im even discussing this... im fine pretending right now cuz, like i said, ive forgotten that i am... and i feel pretty good... its just lotsa ppl i know take anti-depressants... and they act kinda weird and happy... but im naturally like that... and yeah... just noticed... i wonder how i'd be if i took those pills... cookie, anyone?
[[ quote of the moment ]]
"pretend like you're happy, and then forget that you're pretending"
i was just thinking about depression... and i think we're all a little depressed inside... so consumed by our insecurities and self criticism... we blame ourselves for the past, pressure ourselves about the future... and our present is sort of wasted doing that... and with depression... and my only defense is this natural ant-depressant inside of me... this smile, this optimistic attitude that i wish people could see through... i dont think its that bad tho... cuz most of the time, its this that keeps me alive... that keeps me going thru the day... this need to always seem like im happy... but pretending works because sometimes i forget that im playing a part...
and i actually become part of that smiling girl...
but then again when tragedy strikes, i get hit with it harder... it becomes harder to pretend and act like everything is peachy... that would kill me inside and just explode when i get home...and all this frustration comes out into a form of tears and angry words towards myself.
i dont know why im even discussing this... im fine pretending right now cuz, like i said, ive forgotten that i am... and i feel pretty good... its just lotsa ppl i know take anti-depressants... and they act kinda weird and happy... but im naturally like that... and yeah... just noticed... i wonder how i'd be if i took those pills... cookie, anyone?
[[ quote of the moment ]]
"pretend like you're happy, and then forget that you're pretending"
this heart of mine was broken at 9:52:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, May 17, 2002
Dear heart,
what an extremely glorious day... i feel like i could just burst because this gushy feeling of life is overpowering... even over my pms... i went out with mah girls today... hahaha! we had so much fun just bonding and whatnot... i went shopping and bought useless things that made me happy...then we just sat and talked like we couldnt get enough of everything we had to say... they are so freaking fun to be around... it amazes me! and i think we got diane hooked on us cuz she got to experience wut fun ppl we are and she is set on hanging out with us during summer...
seeing him wasnt really an expected agenda of the day... i fugured he'd flake yet again... but we ended up hanging out... even tho he was kinda grumpy at first for numerous reasons, he really sealed my perfect day... we were talking about him today too... and yeah, i really loved him... and we were really happy... must relish in rare moment of bliss... i cant describe it... the world seems so much prettier today... i thought about a lot of things today... and this song was playing and it really made me think...
[[ thought/song of the moment ]]
What if we were wrong about each other?
What if you were really made for me?
What if we was supposed to be together?
Would that not mean anything?
How can you be sure that things are better?
If you can't be sure
Your heart is still here with me
Still wanting me
beatiful and awakens the evil thing inside called hope... and suddenly fear strikes my heart... but i have this weird feeling that he doesnt love me as much... i know its random paranoia acting up again... but the way he had to get off the phone was odd... he didnt even sound tired... hmmm... but i try to ignore gut feelings like that which i usually regret later... but yeah... it kills supposedly happy moments... will worry about that tomorrow... must be happy... even for a lil bit... let me smile for a second longer... cookie, anyone?
what an extremely glorious day... i feel like i could just burst because this gushy feeling of life is overpowering... even over my pms... i went out with mah girls today... hahaha! we had so much fun just bonding and whatnot... i went shopping and bought useless things that made me happy...then we just sat and talked like we couldnt get enough of everything we had to say... they are so freaking fun to be around... it amazes me! and i think we got diane hooked on us cuz she got to experience wut fun ppl we are and she is set on hanging out with us during summer...
seeing him wasnt really an expected agenda of the day... i fugured he'd flake yet again... but we ended up hanging out... even tho he was kinda grumpy at first for numerous reasons, he really sealed my perfect day... we were talking about him today too... and yeah, i really loved him... and we were really happy... must relish in rare moment of bliss... i cant describe it... the world seems so much prettier today... i thought about a lot of things today... and this song was playing and it really made me think...
[[ thought/song of the moment ]]
What if we were wrong about each other?
What if you were really made for me?
What if we was supposed to be together?
Would that not mean anything?
How can you be sure that things are better?
If you can't be sure
Your heart is still here with me
Still wanting me
beatiful and awakens the evil thing inside called hope... and suddenly fear strikes my heart... but i have this weird feeling that he doesnt love me as much... i know its random paranoia acting up again... but the way he had to get off the phone was odd... he didnt even sound tired... hmmm... but i try to ignore gut feelings like that which i usually regret later... but yeah... it kills supposedly happy moments... will worry about that tomorrow... must be happy... even for a lil bit... let me smile for a second longer... cookie, anyone?
this heart of mine was broken at 11:23:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, May 16, 2002
[[ movie of the moment ]]
peek achoo!
[[ what i noticed ]]
i enjoy comments... too much, i think... i scroll down my journal and read past comments over and over again until i am sick of it all which never really happens... so i keep reading old ones until i see some new comment magically appearing... so help a disfunctional human being... comment! attack me and insult me... pity me and feel sorry for what i am... connect with me and understand... either way, you make me feel more alive each time you do...
[[ revised philosphy ]]
i am sh*t
i feel like sh*t
im tired of feeling like sh*t
im tired of feeling like me... cookie, anyone?
peek achoo!
[[ what i noticed ]]
i enjoy comments... too much, i think... i scroll down my journal and read past comments over and over again until i am sick of it all which never really happens... so i keep reading old ones until i see some new comment magically appearing... so help a disfunctional human being... comment! attack me and insult me... pity me and feel sorry for what i am... connect with me and understand... either way, you make me feel more alive each time you do...
[[ revised philosphy ]]
i am sh*t
i feel like sh*t
im tired of feeling like sh*t
im tired of feeling like me... cookie, anyone?
this heart of mine was broken at 11:34:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
[[ best friend's wedding quote ]]
"kimmy says if you love someone, you just say it. right there, out loud. or the moment just... passes you by"
is it considered erratically suspicious to call someone and just tell them you love them first and foremost? i just wanted to tell someone how i felt... i guess that quote was plaguing me today... but all i got was a hostile answer after the i love you too... "what did you do?" my GOODness... is it so weird to do that? i mean, if i could i would call him up every time i thought about how much i loved him... but then that would be like 100 million times a day so i have a feeling it might get a lil played out... so i just save it for extreme moments of abundance of this feeling... anyway its not a very good idea because we are broken up and ive lost my right to tell him that...
haha... how utterly pathetic i was today... for a milisecond, i felt the need of a significant other... a BOYFRIEND! i had this overwhelming feeling of desperation for one... like if someone asked me at that second, i woulda screamed out "yes! YES! please... im so sick of being alone"... i mean, i could LEARN to love people, right? to compromise my ideals and wants for the available... these boys arent even that bad... theres absolutely nothing wrong with any of them... just that they arent right for me... but i could get over that right? i mean, what am i being so damn picky about?
but you see how picky i am with my thai food order and that only goes in my mouth... ew... that sounded bad... it was supposed to be a revised cher quote... "You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet"... yeah, yeah... it was a lame attempt... so sue me... give me a cookie while you're at it... and i seriously have no idea where the constant mention of a cookie has sprouted from... but yes... it sounds cute to me...
well im over that now... im myself again... im not really sure if thats such a good thing... darnit! you know i go through these odd phases when a certain punctuation invades my peachy world... im off to bed and packing for the beach or the promenade... whatever that is... hehe i MUST say it... cookie, anyone?
[[ best friend's wedding quote ]]
"kimmy says if you love someone, you just say it. right there, out loud. or the moment just... passes you by"
is it considered erratically suspicious to call someone and just tell them you love them first and foremost? i just wanted to tell someone how i felt... i guess that quote was plaguing me today... but all i got was a hostile answer after the i love you too... "what did you do?" my GOODness... is it so weird to do that? i mean, if i could i would call him up every time i thought about how much i loved him... but then that would be like 100 million times a day so i have a feeling it might get a lil played out... so i just save it for extreme moments of abundance of this feeling... anyway its not a very good idea because we are broken up and ive lost my right to tell him that...
haha... how utterly pathetic i was today... for a milisecond, i felt the need of a significant other... a BOYFRIEND! i had this overwhelming feeling of desperation for one... like if someone asked me at that second, i woulda screamed out "yes! YES! please... im so sick of being alone"... i mean, i could LEARN to love people, right? to compromise my ideals and wants for the available... these boys arent even that bad... theres absolutely nothing wrong with any of them... just that they arent right for me... but i could get over that right? i mean, what am i being so damn picky about?
but you see how picky i am with my thai food order and that only goes in my mouth... ew... that sounded bad... it was supposed to be a revised cher quote... "You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet"... yeah, yeah... it was a lame attempt... so sue me... give me a cookie while you're at it... and i seriously have no idea where the constant mention of a cookie has sprouted from... but yes... it sounds cute to me...
well im over that now... im myself again... im not really sure if thats such a good thing... darnit! you know i go through these odd phases when a certain punctuation invades my peachy world... im off to bed and packing for the beach or the promenade... whatever that is... hehe i MUST say it... cookie, anyone?
this heart of mine was broken at 11:27:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i had so much going through my head today... so much more passion in my heart i wanted to express in here but it is lost... it was scattered by the wind of distractions today... ugh! how frustrating... o well... cookie, anyone?
i had so much going through my head today... so much more passion in my heart i wanted to express in here but it is lost... it was scattered by the wind of distractions today... ugh! how frustrating... o well... cookie, anyone?
this heart of mine was broken at 9:39:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, May 15, 2002
[[ randomness of the day ]]
i am sh*t
im tired of sh*t
im tired of me... cookie, anyone?
i am sh*t
im tired of sh*t
im tired of me... cookie, anyone?
this heart of mine was broken at 11:33:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i seriously think i am going insane... either that or im starting to form an unhealthy obsession for this journal... now it seems every single incident of my day is narrated by a little voice inside of me... making random commentaries as i do here... forming absurd conclusions and trying to analyze people's every word and every action... and i already plan the dramatization of a situation in here... and im furious because of the inaccesibility of a computer with internet connection that could bring me to this cyber sanctuary... i wish i could write every stupid thought in my head... because to me its not stupid... and when i read anything i write over again, i think "oooh! thats SO true!"
its like everything comes out when i write to you... every crack of my already disfigured heart... every crack of a smile my lips try to create... god! i feel so "not me" that i dont even feel like singing... ive read half a book that i wasnt assigned to read... and flipped thru the pages of a book im SUPPOSED to read to see how long it would be until i might have to stop if i ever start... i even put my phone on silent so i wouldnt hear people bothering me... torturing me with a certain song that seems to cause this mass flood of memories...
i really see no point in seeing him... we're not going anywhere... we're not pushing forward in this relationship...he's only gotten worse with making me worry by making weekdays a part of his "staying up all night" excursions... he knows he doesnt wanna get back together with me... so why must i continue to ask if he's busy this weekend? and allowing him to break the tiny wings of my hope... i dont even know what i hope for anymore... cuz everything is just so damn hopeless... i wanna go out with someone who i can see tomorrow with... i want to start seeing someone where our relationship is actually gonna end up as something... but that guy hasnt strolled by yet... i kno there might be silly boys willing to do that... to BE that for me... but i dont want them... confusing as it may be... i DONT know what i want... all i know is that whatever it is, its not something thats in front of me right now...
or maybe it is... yeah, i know what i want... but its too unmentionable to type here.... (makes note to self)... ANYway... the reason why i persistently beseech him to come see me is only because i miss and love him still... stupid and selfish as it is, i still feel that way... i know, i do this to myself... its my own fault cuz i set myself up for this sh*t... and for what? love... ew! love...
tuesday was almost like a test... that he failed, unfortunately... this has been plaguing me all today... i know guys hate it when girls play their lil games or make secret tests they have no clue they are being entered in... but it was a test i could ace over and over again... with my hands tied behind my back... i mean, he gave me ALL i wanted... except for the very thing that i would need to make everything complete... and its that stupid thing love again... its all i really asked for... and i was denied it... even his hugs were unbearably cold... like he was repulsed of me... i know, he was sick... i should give the boy some credit for driving all the way down here... and i do... its just odd how he failed my test... i could be dying of ovarian cancer and still pass the test with flying colors... but thas me... and im different...
i seriously think i am going insane... either that or im starting to form an unhealthy obsession for this journal... now it seems every single incident of my day is narrated by a little voice inside of me... making random commentaries as i do here... forming absurd conclusions and trying to analyze people's every word and every action... and i already plan the dramatization of a situation in here... and im furious because of the inaccesibility of a computer with internet connection that could bring me to this cyber sanctuary... i wish i could write every stupid thought in my head... because to me its not stupid... and when i read anything i write over again, i think "oooh! thats SO true!"
its like everything comes out when i write to you... every crack of my already disfigured heart... every crack of a smile my lips try to create... god! i feel so "not me" that i dont even feel like singing... ive read half a book that i wasnt assigned to read... and flipped thru the pages of a book im SUPPOSED to read to see how long it would be until i might have to stop if i ever start... i even put my phone on silent so i wouldnt hear people bothering me... torturing me with a certain song that seems to cause this mass flood of memories...
i really see no point in seeing him... we're not going anywhere... we're not pushing forward in this relationship...he's only gotten worse with making me worry by making weekdays a part of his "staying up all night" excursions... he knows he doesnt wanna get back together with me... so why must i continue to ask if he's busy this weekend? and allowing him to break the tiny wings of my hope... i dont even know what i hope for anymore... cuz everything is just so damn hopeless... i wanna go out with someone who i can see tomorrow with... i want to start seeing someone where our relationship is actually gonna end up as something... but that guy hasnt strolled by yet... i kno there might be silly boys willing to do that... to BE that for me... but i dont want them... confusing as it may be... i DONT know what i want... all i know is that whatever it is, its not something thats in front of me right now...
or maybe it is... yeah, i know what i want... but its too unmentionable to type here.... (makes note to self)... ANYway... the reason why i persistently beseech him to come see me is only because i miss and love him still... stupid and selfish as it is, i still feel that way... i know, i do this to myself... its my own fault cuz i set myself up for this sh*t... and for what? love... ew! love...
tuesday was almost like a test... that he failed, unfortunately... this has been plaguing me all today... i know guys hate it when girls play their lil games or make secret tests they have no clue they are being entered in... but it was a test i could ace over and over again... with my hands tied behind my back... i mean, he gave me ALL i wanted... except for the very thing that i would need to make everything complete... and its that stupid thing love again... its all i really asked for... and i was denied it... even his hugs were unbearably cold... like he was repulsed of me... i know, he was sick... i should give the boy some credit for driving all the way down here... and i do... its just odd how he failed my test... i could be dying of ovarian cancer and still pass the test with flying colors... but thas me... and im different...
this heart of mine was broken at 10:48:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i am SO sick of everyone's sh*t... im so sick of bullsh*t... im so sick of thinking everyones full of bullsh*t... when some really arent... but my stupid past anger is being redirected to the guys i know today... i dont have the heart to blame him so i blame everyone else... isnt that just SO wrong?
im so sick of feeling like sh*t... im so sick of feeling sh*t... cuz feeling has really gotten me into withdrawals... its funny how i always tell myself things like "dont talk to him anymore", "dont see him anymore", "remember he hurt you?", "he's lying again", or "stop worrying about him because you know you'd just DIE if u knew wut he was doing right now"... i try not to listen to these paranaoid rants.... but then one day it all sinks in and then i explode with all the bottled up frustration inside... and guess when it comes? a week or so before my rag...
how utterly convenient! im not sure if i act different wen im on it or if i act more myself... who am i really? ppl say "dont mind me, im on my rag" but maybe thats who they really are... we become more brutally honest when we have our hormones being imbalanced because we lose our ability to shame and shed the masks that society has molded us into... personally, i become way more dramatic when i have pms... and thats a very scary thing if im already a so-called "drama queen" when im my normal (<-ha!) self... its like on my regular days: "i touched a rose" but on pms days its like: "i let the petal's lips kiss the tips of my fingers"...kisses... *sigh
im just so sick of being alone... i really want a new boyfriend already... but truthfully, none of these boys are cutting it... i just wanna share a kiss that means something again... and make love to a boy who only wants to do that with me... but in my reality its not like that... kisses arent promises... holding someones hand doesnt mean they are gonna be around forever... making love doesnt stop anyone from making that same thing with anyone else... i wish everything was simple again... or maybe it never really was...
i just wanna grow up already and stop mooning over some guy like a lovesick idiot schoolgirl... even tho that title defines everything that i am... i just dont wanna be that girl anymore... i see so many strong girls out there... so independent... and i almost hate them out of envy... i try every day to be as tough as you... but i cant even come close to be half the woman that you are...
i am SO sick of everyone's sh*t... im so sick of bullsh*t... im so sick of thinking everyones full of bullsh*t... when some really arent... but my stupid past anger is being redirected to the guys i know today... i dont have the heart to blame him so i blame everyone else... isnt that just SO wrong?
im so sick of feeling like sh*t... im so sick of feeling sh*t... cuz feeling has really gotten me into withdrawals... its funny how i always tell myself things like "dont talk to him anymore", "dont see him anymore", "remember he hurt you?", "he's lying again", or "stop worrying about him because you know you'd just DIE if u knew wut he was doing right now"... i try not to listen to these paranaoid rants.... but then one day it all sinks in and then i explode with all the bottled up frustration inside... and guess when it comes? a week or so before my rag...
how utterly convenient! im not sure if i act different wen im on it or if i act more myself... who am i really? ppl say "dont mind me, im on my rag" but maybe thats who they really are... we become more brutally honest when we have our hormones being imbalanced because we lose our ability to shame and shed the masks that society has molded us into... personally, i become way more dramatic when i have pms... and thats a very scary thing if im already a so-called "drama queen" when im my normal (<-ha!) self... its like on my regular days: "i touched a rose" but on pms days its like: "i let the petal's lips kiss the tips of my fingers"...kisses... *sigh
im just so sick of being alone... i really want a new boyfriend already... but truthfully, none of these boys are cutting it... i just wanna share a kiss that means something again... and make love to a boy who only wants to do that with me... but in my reality its not like that... kisses arent promises... holding someones hand doesnt mean they are gonna be around forever... making love doesnt stop anyone from making that same thing with anyone else... i wish everything was simple again... or maybe it never really was...
i just wanna grow up already and stop mooning over some guy like a lovesick idiot schoolgirl... even tho that title defines everything that i am... i just dont wanna be that girl anymore... i see so many strong girls out there... so independent... and i almost hate them out of envy... i try every day to be as tough as you... but i cant even come close to be half the woman that you are...
this heart of mine was broken at 10:35:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, May 14, 2002
[[ cher's wise words of the day ]]
everyone has attitude.
everyone needs attude.
but not everyone has the attitude they need.
everyone has attitude.
everyone needs attude.
but not everyone has the attitude they need.
this heart of mine was broken at 11:24:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
im not sure exactly how im feeling today... like im happy i saw him and stuff... its been so long... (ahem) but yeah... he didnt seem all that happy to be with me... like he just watned to GO already, ya know? i know he was sick and all... but he gets better all of a sudden when im not around... and he goes places tonight... is he really where he said he'd be? is he taking a girl there or is he meeting with her?
i know im paranoid... and how many times do i have to stress this but IM NOT SUPPOSED TO CARE... i seriously have absolutely no claim on that boy... so what am i tripping about? i dunno, maybe im just totally petrified of being lied to... i guess thats my worst fear... im so sick and tired of being the naive dumbass who thinks everything is okely dokely... when the truth is, my world is all fudged up beyond repair... so when i do find out, its like "whaaat?!" and it sucks even more cuz im caught off guard and unprepared for the worst... if i knew the sequence of hurtful events that would occur, at least i can like wait for it and maybe even try to avoid it... i know, there is no real way to prepare for heartache... but i just hate lies... that is all...
im not sure exactly how im feeling today... like im happy i saw him and stuff... its been so long... (ahem) but yeah... he didnt seem all that happy to be with me... like he just watned to GO already, ya know? i know he was sick and all... but he gets better all of a sudden when im not around... and he goes places tonight... is he really where he said he'd be? is he taking a girl there or is he meeting with her?
i know im paranoid... and how many times do i have to stress this but IM NOT SUPPOSED TO CARE... i seriously have absolutely no claim on that boy... so what am i tripping about? i dunno, maybe im just totally petrified of being lied to... i guess thats my worst fear... im so sick and tired of being the naive dumbass who thinks everything is okely dokely... when the truth is, my world is all fudged up beyond repair... so when i do find out, its like "whaaat?!" and it sucks even more cuz im caught off guard and unprepared for the worst... if i knew the sequence of hurtful events that would occur, at least i can like wait for it and maybe even try to avoid it... i know, there is no real way to prepare for heartache... but i just hate lies... that is all...
this heart of mine was broken at 10:15:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, May 13, 2002
Dear heart,
ok so he isnt picking up his phone or answering my texts... so yeah this time the excuse is "sleeping"... nice... i should be asking "with who?" next time... i dont even know WHY is still put up with this... why i continue to torture myself by talking to him... seeing him... kissing him... ugh!
oh well... i bought my beach top for friday... im excited... i hope it turns out fun... im gonna have a talk with my parents about extending my curfew... i mean, COME on... im 18 and i STILL hafto be home by 9... my gosh! 14 year olds get home later than i do... so yes... im hoping for some change... but whats the use... who am i gonna stay out with?
ok so he isnt picking up his phone or answering my texts... so yeah this time the excuse is "sleeping"... nice... i should be asking "with who?" next time... i dont even know WHY is still put up with this... why i continue to torture myself by talking to him... seeing him... kissing him... ugh!
oh well... i bought my beach top for friday... im excited... i hope it turns out fun... im gonna have a talk with my parents about extending my curfew... i mean, COME on... im 18 and i STILL hafto be home by 9... my gosh! 14 year olds get home later than i do... so yes... im hoping for some change... but whats the use... who am i gonna stay out with?
this heart of mine was broken at 10:48:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
[[ jojo's top 9 songs of the week]]
~^~ Brian McKnight- 6, 8, 12
~^~ Deborah Cox- Where do we go from here
~^~ Donna Cruz- Only me and you
~^~ Gloria Gaynor- I will survive
~^~ Dream- I dont like anyone
~^~ Eden's Crush- Love this way
~^~ Foo Fighters- Everlong
~^~ Forte- All i want
~^~ Frente- Bizarre Love Triangle
[[ ultimate song of the week ]]
I realize you're seeing someone new
I don't believe she knows you like I do
Your temperamental moody side, the one you always try to hide from me
But I know when you have some thing on your mind
You've been trying to tell me for the longest time
And before you break my heart in two,
There's something I've been trying to say to you
But the words get in the way
There's so much I want to say
But it's locked deep inside and if you look in my eyes,
We might fall in love again.
I won't even start to cry, and before we say goodbye
I tried to say "I love you"
But the words got in the way
Your heart has always been an open door
But baby I don't even know you any more
And despite the fact it's hurting me,
I know the time has come to set you free
But the words get in the way
There's so much I want to say
But it's locked deep inside and if you look in my eyes,
We might fall in love again
I won't even start to cry, and before we say goodbye
I tried to say "I love you", but the words got in the way
I'm trying to say "I love you"
But the words get in the way...
(gloria estefan- words get in the way)
~^~ Brian McKnight- 6, 8, 12
~^~ Deborah Cox- Where do we go from here
~^~ Donna Cruz- Only me and you
~^~ Gloria Gaynor- I will survive
~^~ Dream- I dont like anyone
~^~ Eden's Crush- Love this way
~^~ Foo Fighters- Everlong
~^~ Forte- All i want
~^~ Frente- Bizarre Love Triangle
[[ ultimate song of the week ]]
I realize you're seeing someone new
I don't believe she knows you like I do
Your temperamental moody side, the one you always try to hide from me
But I know when you have some thing on your mind
You've been trying to tell me for the longest time
And before you break my heart in two,
There's something I've been trying to say to you
But the words get in the way
There's so much I want to say
But it's locked deep inside and if you look in my eyes,
We might fall in love again.
I won't even start to cry, and before we say goodbye
I tried to say "I love you"
But the words got in the way
Your heart has always been an open door
But baby I don't even know you any more
And despite the fact it's hurting me,
I know the time has come to set you free
But the words get in the way
There's so much I want to say
But it's locked deep inside and if you look in my eyes,
We might fall in love again
I won't even start to cry, and before we say goodbye
I tried to say "I love you", but the words got in the way
I'm trying to say "I love you"
But the words get in the way...
(gloria estefan- words get in the way)
this heart of mine was broken at 1:21:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i have but an hour before my AP econ test... and i barely studied... eep!
but we had a sweet g'night last night... i wasnt expecting it... but it fit the day... and he never ever used to give me kisses without me asking... well must get ready for school... just wanted to tell u... k bye
i have but an hour before my AP econ test... and i barely studied... eep!
but we had a sweet g'night last night... i wasnt expecting it... but it fit the day... and he never ever used to give me kisses without me asking... well must get ready for school... just wanted to tell u... k bye
this heart of mine was broken at 7:06:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, May 12, 2002
Dear heart,
"When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth"
i consulted someone today and i was sadly informed that he's lying to me? it cant be, right? cuz... we just saw each other today and we're good friends and he needs not lie to me... i hope she's not right... let nothing ruin what i feel right now... please...
and i have an AP econ test i SHOULD be studying for... but i will fail anyway so i really dont see the point... o well... make me barf
[[ site of the day ]]
sleeping positions- and what they say about your relationship
"When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth"
i consulted someone today and i was sadly informed that he's lying to me? it cant be, right? cuz... we just saw each other today and we're good friends and he needs not lie to me... i hope she's not right... let nothing ruin what i feel right now... please...
and i have an AP econ test i SHOULD be studying for... but i will fail anyway so i really dont see the point... o well... make me barf
[[ site of the day ]]
sleeping positions- and what they say about your relationship
this heart of mine was broken at 10:06:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
[[ quiz of the day ]]
how well do you know me?
i wonder who makes the hall of fame and whatnot... have fun!!
ps. "him" cheated so thas why he has the top score... =Þ
[[ second quizzie of the day ]]
How clueless about Clueless are you?
and when you're done... here is referencefor the second quiz...
how well do you know me?
i wonder who makes the hall of fame and whatnot... have fun!!
ps. "him" cheated so thas why he has the top score... =Þ
[[ second quizzie of the day ]]
How clueless about Clueless are you?
and when you're done... here is referencefor the second quiz...
this heart of mine was broken at 9:48:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
[[ random quotes of the moment ]]
"Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love"
"I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them"
"The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper"
"Enjoy yourself. If you can't enjoy yourself, enjoy somebody else"
"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget"
"Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love"
"I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them"
"The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper"
"Enjoy yourself. If you can't enjoy yourself, enjoy somebody else"
"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget"
this heart of mine was broken at 9:46:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
[[ story poem of the moment ]]
(digression of relapse and false hope... )
Bob, will you let me love you in your restaurant?
i will let you make me a sandwich of your invention and i will eat and call it a jojo sandwich, then you will kiss my lips and taste the mayonnaise and that is how you shall love me in my restaurant
Bob, will you come to my empty pink room and help me set up my daybed?
yes, and i will put the screws in loosely so that when we move on it, later, it will rock like a cradle and then you will know you are my baby
Bob, i am sitting on my chair by the window. Will you come out of the kitchen and watch the people with me?
yes, and then we will race to your bed, i will win and we will tangle up on your comforter while the sweat rains from our stomachs and foreheads
Bob, the stars are sitting in tonight like gumball gems in a little girl's jewelry box. Later can we drive to the park?
yes, and we can go the long way past the jungle gym. i will push you on the swing but promise me you'll hold tight. if you fall i might disappear
Bob, can we make a baby together? I want to be a big pregnant woman with a loved face and give you a squalling red daughter.
no, but i will come inside of you and you will be my daughter
Bob, will you stay the night with me and sleep so close that we are one person?
no, but i will lay down on your sheets and taste you. there will be feathers of you on my tongue and then i will never forget you
Bob, when we are in line at the convenince store can i put my hands in your back pockets and my lips and nose in your baseball shirt and feel the crook of your shoulder blade?
no, but later you can lay against me and almost touch me and when i go, i will leave my shirt for you to sleep in so that always at night you will be pressed up against the thought of me
Bob, if i weep and want to wait until you need me, will you promise that someday you will need me?
no, but i will sit in silence while you rage. you can knock the chairs down any mountain. i will always be the same and you will always wait
Bob, will you climb on top of the dumpster and steal the sun for me? It's just hanging there and I want it.
no, i will burn my finger. no one can have the sun: its on loan from god. but i will draw a picture of it and send it to you from HERE and then you can smooth out the paper and you will have a piece of me as well as the sun
Bob, it's so hot here, and I think I'm being born. Will you come back from WHEREVER you are and baptise me with sex and cool water?
i will come back from HERE. i will smooth the damp spiky hairs from behind the back of your wet neck and then i will lick the salt of it. then i will leave
Bob, WHEREVER you are is so far away. How will i know how you love me?
i have left you. that is how you will know
litany (revised)- carolyn creedon
(digression of relapse and false hope... )
Bob, will you let me love you in your restaurant?
i will let you make me a sandwich of your invention and i will eat and call it a jojo sandwich, then you will kiss my lips and taste the mayonnaise and that is how you shall love me in my restaurant
Bob, will you come to my empty pink room and help me set up my daybed?
yes, and i will put the screws in loosely so that when we move on it, later, it will rock like a cradle and then you will know you are my baby
Bob, i am sitting on my chair by the window. Will you come out of the kitchen and watch the people with me?
yes, and then we will race to your bed, i will win and we will tangle up on your comforter while the sweat rains from our stomachs and foreheads
Bob, the stars are sitting in tonight like gumball gems in a little girl's jewelry box. Later can we drive to the park?
yes, and we can go the long way past the jungle gym. i will push you on the swing but promise me you'll hold tight. if you fall i might disappear
Bob, can we make a baby together? I want to be a big pregnant woman with a loved face and give you a squalling red daughter.
no, but i will come inside of you and you will be my daughter
Bob, will you stay the night with me and sleep so close that we are one person?
no, but i will lay down on your sheets and taste you. there will be feathers of you on my tongue and then i will never forget you
Bob, when we are in line at the convenince store can i put my hands in your back pockets and my lips and nose in your baseball shirt and feel the crook of your shoulder blade?
no, but later you can lay against me and almost touch me and when i go, i will leave my shirt for you to sleep in so that always at night you will be pressed up against the thought of me
Bob, if i weep and want to wait until you need me, will you promise that someday you will need me?
no, but i will sit in silence while you rage. you can knock the chairs down any mountain. i will always be the same and you will always wait
Bob, will you climb on top of the dumpster and steal the sun for me? It's just hanging there and I want it.
no, i will burn my finger. no one can have the sun: its on loan from god. but i will draw a picture of it and send it to you from HERE and then you can smooth out the paper and you will have a piece of me as well as the sun
Bob, it's so hot here, and I think I'm being born. Will you come back from WHEREVER you are and baptise me with sex and cool water?
i will come back from HERE. i will smooth the damp spiky hairs from behind the back of your wet neck and then i will lick the salt of it. then i will leave
Bob, WHEREVER you are is so far away. How will i know how you love me?
i have left you. that is how you will know
litany (revised)- carolyn creedon
this heart of mine was broken at 8:05:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
it can be so hard seeing him sumtimes... i wish no one was here... so we could have just held each other the whole time... did he miss me at all? he seemed so non-chalant like this sort of thing happened all the time... just looking at him made me wanna ravage him on the spot... like rape him or something... is that wrong? teeheehee... and when we kissed good bye... you could tell how hungry i was for it...
i could hear everyone whisper and gosspi... "i thought they broke up" or "i told u they look nice together" or "he's so handsome"... oh goodness... you swear i CANT understand every word you are saying... dont DO this to me... i miss him more than you all do... but its harder for me to hide it cuz i dont speak bisaya very well... but oh well... i saw him... i'll get over it... i hope i see him again soon...
it can be so hard seeing him sumtimes... i wish no one was here... so we could have just held each other the whole time... did he miss me at all? he seemed so non-chalant like this sort of thing happened all the time... just looking at him made me wanna ravage him on the spot... like rape him or something... is that wrong? teeheehee... and when we kissed good bye... you could tell how hungry i was for it...
i could hear everyone whisper and gosspi... "i thought they broke up" or "i told u they look nice together" or "he's so handsome"... oh goodness... you swear i CANT understand every word you are saying... dont DO this to me... i miss him more than you all do... but its harder for me to hide it cuz i dont speak bisaya very well... but oh well... i saw him... i'll get over it... i hope i see him again soon...
this heart of mine was broken at 7:17:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
boys are quite confusing... me and shawn had a fight last night... yes, ANOTHER one... it was so stupid... he called me weak cuz i believe in people's words... when they are usually full of bullshizzy... and he concludes thas y i get hurt and ppl take advantage of me... and he's all mad about this whole thing and i DONT understand... and he swears i can help the way i am...
he's still pushing the relationship... like he wants more... but ive told him already... im happy just hanging out as friends... be casual about everything... i dont wanna hafto worry about him too... cuz i have enuf to worry about... and its funny cuz i dont worry about him... yeah, he still looks really good... he still has the same annoying laugh and weird humor... but thats perfect for a friend... not my new bf...
so basically we bickered furiously last night... and then he asks me out next week in the midst of a silence... and i must say again... i DONT understand! but i dont wanna go out next weekend actually... anyway, we have half day on friday so HE is going to the beach and my double date with rita is in full bloom... whatever that means... saturday is free... but who knows... i know shawn wants to go out on friday... but too bad... im not giving up my friends for you... ure SO not worth it... lol, im sad... i know... *shrug... shoot me...
oh yeah...
H A P P Y // M O T H E R S // D A Y!
and happy birthday mom and dad... and prince and herbie! heehee
boys are quite confusing... me and shawn had a fight last night... yes, ANOTHER one... it was so stupid... he called me weak cuz i believe in people's words... when they are usually full of bullshizzy... and he concludes thas y i get hurt and ppl take advantage of me... and he's all mad about this whole thing and i DONT understand... and he swears i can help the way i am...
he's still pushing the relationship... like he wants more... but ive told him already... im happy just hanging out as friends... be casual about everything... i dont wanna hafto worry about him too... cuz i have enuf to worry about... and its funny cuz i dont worry about him... yeah, he still looks really good... he still has the same annoying laugh and weird humor... but thats perfect for a friend... not my new bf...
so basically we bickered furiously last night... and then he asks me out next week in the midst of a silence... and i must say again... i DONT understand! but i dont wanna go out next weekend actually... anyway, we have half day on friday so HE is going to the beach and my double date with rita is in full bloom... whatever that means... saturday is free... but who knows... i know shawn wants to go out on friday... but too bad... im not giving up my friends for you... ure SO not worth it... lol, im sad... i know... *shrug... shoot me...
oh yeah...
H A P P Y // M O T H E R S // D A Y!
and happy birthday mom and dad... and prince and herbie! heehee
this heart of mine was broken at 7:44:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, May 11, 2002
Dear heart,
the flower picture above is a perfect representation of beauty down the drain... literally... or it could mean finding salvation when there seems to be no hope left... check out all my new quizzies and test on the side menu for ya'll to enjoy...
just realized im going back to the way i was back before i met him... the liking ppl easily and then in the long run, find some flaw i cant stand... where i gotta step back and say... "we wont work out because..." how i see it... if i can see the end before it begins, its a VERY BAD sign... i mean, u can have doubts later but the beginning is supposed to be the time wen u discover all the things you love about each other... how perfect you are together... if its already falling apart when its suppose to be your time for building, then thas jus screaming danger... our honeymoon period lasted a long time... i remember that... i was so afraid of something going wrong but nothing ever did... we just fell deeper and deeper in love... i miss those times...
like i know going out is fun... but its so lonely at night... no "i love you's" to send me off to dreamland... but see... i dont want it from just ANYone... i want it to be from SOMEone i love too... but theres something missing in these ppl i meet... im not desperate and i know what i want... so why must i settle for them? as belle said, "i want so much more than they've got planned..."
sex is prevelant in young boys' brains... it sickens me... i think its all they want... thas why they always seem to ask me dumb, suggestive questions about it... o barf! today this boy asks me: "what is it about sex with "him" that you like so much?" and i answered that with 3 words... "i love him"
i had to wait 2 years to find "him"... to find a guy who's imperfections i loved and accepted... who made me fall in love everyday instead of think how it's gonna end... i saw sumthing in him... and i havent seen that in anyone else yet... im keeping my eyes peeled... yet im also keeping him close... yes, i want a bf right now... but i refuse to commit to these morons! and thats all ive got to say about that... =)
the flower picture above is a perfect representation of beauty down the drain... literally... or it could mean finding salvation when there seems to be no hope left... check out all my new quizzies and test on the side menu for ya'll to enjoy...
just realized im going back to the way i was back before i met him... the liking ppl easily and then in the long run, find some flaw i cant stand... where i gotta step back and say... "we wont work out because..." how i see it... if i can see the end before it begins, its a VERY BAD sign... i mean, u can have doubts later but the beginning is supposed to be the time wen u discover all the things you love about each other... how perfect you are together... if its already falling apart when its suppose to be your time for building, then thas jus screaming danger... our honeymoon period lasted a long time... i remember that... i was so afraid of something going wrong but nothing ever did... we just fell deeper and deeper in love... i miss those times...
like i know going out is fun... but its so lonely at night... no "i love you's" to send me off to dreamland... but see... i dont want it from just ANYone... i want it to be from SOMEone i love too... but theres something missing in these ppl i meet... im not desperate and i know what i want... so why must i settle for them? as belle said, "i want so much more than they've got planned..."
sex is prevelant in young boys' brains... it sickens me... i think its all they want... thas why they always seem to ask me dumb, suggestive questions about it... o barf! today this boy asks me: "what is it about sex with "him" that you like so much?" and i answered that with 3 words... "i love him"
i had to wait 2 years to find "him"... to find a guy who's imperfections i loved and accepted... who made me fall in love everyday instead of think how it's gonna end... i saw sumthing in him... and i havent seen that in anyone else yet... im keeping my eyes peeled... yet im also keeping him close... yes, i want a bf right now... but i refuse to commit to these morons! and thats all ive got to say about that... =)
this heart of mine was broken at 10:51:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
so he just confirmed he is at that party... greaaat... i wonder wut he's doing... i wonder who he's flirting with... or how many numbers he'll rack in tonight... i wonder if the one for him is in that very same party... just waiting to meet him... i wonder...
getting over this... really quickly...
so he just confirmed he is at that party... greaaat... i wonder wut he's doing... i wonder who he's flirting with... or how many numbers he'll rack in tonight... i wonder if the one for him is in that very same party... just waiting to meet him... i wonder...
getting over this... really quickly...
this heart of mine was broken at 9:26:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
ok its like 9 sumthing now and im supposed to believe he's still at work... i wonder who it is this time... just remembering his "dont worry"s worries me... he says that when he senses that i will be worried about some future action of his... oh god... my deepest fears keep coming true... why does he think im still very stupid? why must he continue to lie to me even when we arent together and he's not supposed to have any reason to? i can handle the truth... may it be cold and harsh... it grows with age and comes out eventually... so wont you give it to me before it escapes and makes its way to me... and if it comes to that, you will never hear from me again... not even a friend... not even as an acquaintance...
next time you even think of lying to me... keep this thought in your head: is it REALLY worth losing our friendship? everything we've been thu? is it really worth losing me?
this is your last warning... no more lies... please... is it SO much to ask? i know i sound insane... im just terribly afraid right now that ive fallen victim to yet another one of your lies... so i hope you have a good ass excuse... for our sake...
ok its like 9 sumthing now and im supposed to believe he's still at work... i wonder who it is this time... just remembering his "dont worry"s worries me... he says that when he senses that i will be worried about some future action of his... oh god... my deepest fears keep coming true... why does he think im still very stupid? why must he continue to lie to me even when we arent together and he's not supposed to have any reason to? i can handle the truth... may it be cold and harsh... it grows with age and comes out eventually... so wont you give it to me before it escapes and makes its way to me... and if it comes to that, you will never hear from me again... not even a friend... not even as an acquaintance...
next time you even think of lying to me... keep this thought in your head: is it REALLY worth losing our friendship? everything we've been thu? is it really worth losing me?
this is your last warning... no more lies... please... is it SO much to ask? i know i sound insane... im just terribly afraid right now that ive fallen victim to yet another one of your lies... so i hope you have a good ass excuse... for our sake...
this heart of mine was broken at 9:25:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
this day is going by wonderfully... i just got finished watching the helga marathon... that girls obsession is all too familiar... haha... i was like screaming from joy... im afraid my sister is a lil afraid of me now... it was just too cute... *sigh... love... its so... pretty...
theres a party tonight but i dont really feel like going... im actually immensly content with the doing nothing brigade... oh no... i just thought of something... there was another party scheduled for tonight... it was "him's" friend's party... ew... a college party... where he will probably invite that stupid girl he met at work... *gasp... maybe thas why he couldnt see me today... =( how mean... well i hope im not being lied to... i really hate that... please... im so sick of it all...
must immerse my activities into the nothingness again... must play ps2 to forget this random enlightening and hoping that im wrong... for once, please let me be wrong... dont let future discoveries betray all my memories of these past few weeks...
this day is going by wonderfully... i just got finished watching the helga marathon... that girls obsession is all too familiar... haha... i was like screaming from joy... im afraid my sister is a lil afraid of me now... it was just too cute... *sigh... love... its so... pretty...
theres a party tonight but i dont really feel like going... im actually immensly content with the doing nothing brigade... oh no... i just thought of something... there was another party scheduled for tonight... it was "him's" friend's party... ew... a college party... where he will probably invite that stupid girl he met at work... *gasp... maybe thas why he couldnt see me today... =( how mean... well i hope im not being lied to... i really hate that... please... im so sick of it all...
must immerse my activities into the nothingness again... must play ps2 to forget this random enlightening and hoping that im wrong... for once, please let me be wrong... dont let future discoveries betray all my memories of these past few weeks...
this heart of mine was broken at 6:15:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
im actually looking forward to a day with nothing to do... i havent had one of these in a LONG while... its like i can do ANYthing i want... well i will be productive at the end of the day... but this morning i shall vegetate on the couch and watch helga for "hey arnold"... she reminds me of me... haha... poor girl... and then i shall watch a long lost video... something i've been dying to see... or something inspiring...
i just realized how busy i've been lately... and its a relief in itself that today holds absolutely nothing for me... im actually gona play my ps2 again... the last time was like... whoa... way back when... i must try to beat ffx or keep playing shadow hearts... oh who knows... maybe i should just play my dear ff8 on my comp... either way... im doing sumthing i havent been able to have a chance to do since forever...
i get to have fun and hang otu with my coolio g sis...
yes that is mini me... or so ppl say... yes... must go now and do nothing... =D
im actually looking forward to a day with nothing to do... i havent had one of these in a LONG while... its like i can do ANYthing i want... well i will be productive at the end of the day... but this morning i shall vegetate on the couch and watch helga for "hey arnold"... she reminds me of me... haha... poor girl... and then i shall watch a long lost video... something i've been dying to see... or something inspiring...
i just realized how busy i've been lately... and its a relief in itself that today holds absolutely nothing for me... im actually gona play my ps2 again... the last time was like... whoa... way back when... i must try to beat ffx or keep playing shadow hearts... oh who knows... maybe i should just play my dear ff8 on my comp... either way... im doing sumthing i havent been able to have a chance to do since forever...
i get to have fun and hang otu with my coolio g sis...
yes that is mini me... or so ppl say... yes... must go now and do nothing... =D
this heart of mine was broken at 11:08:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, May 10, 2002
Dear heart,
i apologize for the previous entree... i think i was going temporarily insane... this loneliness is really getting to me... dont get any ideas... im really ok without you... disregard these tears because you are imagining them... and the absence of a smile is not there... its filled with secret giggles hidden behind my lips... so worry not about me... im not falling apart without you... im just... yeah...
i apologize for the previous entree... i think i was going temporarily insane... this loneliness is really getting to me... dont get any ideas... im really ok without you... disregard these tears because you are imagining them... and the absence of a smile is not there... its filled with secret giggles hidden behind my lips... so worry not about me... im not falling apart without you... im just... yeah...
this heart of mine was broken at 10:13:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
just got home from yet another pointless outing... went to buy cards... i woulda bought something more creative but he rolled his eyes at everything i picked up... but anyway... we chilled at the mall then to town center... i called shawn "him" again... i swear, its becoming a really bad habit... he was all disgusted too... "oh WHAT the HELL?! UGH, man!" haha i was telling myself not to call him that today but i guess by thinking that, the probability of it became worse... i feel bad for him...
and i hate it sometimes when he takes me home... cuz i get the same lecture... why wont i let him get close... its the same old thing everytime... "what are you afraid of?" i USED to be scared of falling for him but now i can see that has become impossible at his point... im just scared that by indulging some frivolous act, i could lose"him" forever... yeah, yeah, yeah... i KNOW ive lost him... i kNOW we've broken up... i KNOW im not supposed to keep holding back on his account... but i do... because i love him still for some reason... and it bothers me so... yet i cannot do a thing to change it...
im tired tho... im gonna go lay down...
before i forget... ice cream, this is for you... download it!
just got home from yet another pointless outing... went to buy cards... i woulda bought something more creative but he rolled his eyes at everything i picked up... but anyway... we chilled at the mall then to town center... i called shawn "him" again... i swear, its becoming a really bad habit... he was all disgusted too... "oh WHAT the HELL?! UGH, man!" haha i was telling myself not to call him that today but i guess by thinking that, the probability of it became worse... i feel bad for him...
and i hate it sometimes when he takes me home... cuz i get the same lecture... why wont i let him get close... its the same old thing everytime... "what are you afraid of?" i USED to be scared of falling for him but now i can see that has become impossible at his point... im just scared that by indulging some frivolous act, i could lose"him" forever... yeah, yeah, yeah... i KNOW ive lost him... i kNOW we've broken up... i KNOW im not supposed to keep holding back on his account... but i do... because i love him still for some reason... and it bothers me so... yet i cannot do a thing to change it...
im tired tho... im gonna go lay down...
before i forget... ice cream, this is for you... download it!
this heart of mine was broken at 9:41:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
*feeling*
SO VERY ashamed of being me... and missing "him"
"reading*
the hell with love (poems to mend the broken heart) edited by esselman and velez
*watching*
my life fall apart... hahahahahahaha
*listening*
"silly"- deniece williams
*random thoughts and speculations*
- i am a moron, huh?
- what is the point of seeing shawn today?
- does this mean i like no one again?
- "and tho my heart cant take no more, i wont keep running back to you"
- should i join the army? =D
- i wanna dance
- i wonder if he really is at work...
- serindipity is so tight! makes me believe in love again
SO VERY ashamed of being me... and missing "him"
"reading*
the hell with love (poems to mend the broken heart) edited by esselman and velez
*watching*
my life fall apart... hahahahahahaha
*listening*
"silly"- deniece williams
*random thoughts and speculations*
- i am a moron, huh?
- what is the point of seeing shawn today?
- does this mean i like no one again?
- "and tho my heart cant take no more, i wont keep running back to you"
- should i join the army? =D
- i wanna dance
- i wonder if he really is at work...
- serindipity is so tight! makes me believe in love again
this heart of mine was broken at 4:38:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i almost forgot to mention our school agenda... we had the best HE potluck ever! and next weekend we are having yet another outing to the beach... loads of fun in store! and then me and rita are gonna have a double date with our lovers... hahaha... hers is lynne and mine is tina... its gonna be awesome... friends are always very neato... school goes by fast because of em...
shawn just asked me to go with him to buy a mother's day present so i guess i shall join him... i need to buy her something anyway... i kinda wish i coulda spent the day with "him"... i just want a hug... i just want to see him... maybe a kiss... to touch his hand... damn relapse!!! please, god! let me see him tomorrow... dont let him find a reason not to... to find sumthing or someONE else to do... o yeah... and its pepay's b-day tomorrow... hm... gotta get a gift for her too...
[[ mrs hand's quote of the day]]
"a girl wrapped up in herself makes a very small package"
must find faith in love... ima watch serindipity while i wait...
i almost forgot to mention our school agenda... we had the best HE potluck ever! and next weekend we are having yet another outing to the beach... loads of fun in store! and then me and rita are gonna have a double date with our lovers... hahaha... hers is lynne and mine is tina... its gonna be awesome... friends are always very neato... school goes by fast because of em...
shawn just asked me to go with him to buy a mother's day present so i guess i shall join him... i need to buy her something anyway... i kinda wish i coulda spent the day with "him"... i just want a hug... i just want to see him... maybe a kiss... to touch his hand... damn relapse!!! please, god! let me see him tomorrow... dont let him find a reason not to... to find sumthing or someONE else to do... o yeah... and its pepay's b-day tomorrow... hm... gotta get a gift for her too...
[[ mrs hand's quote of the day]]
"a girl wrapped up in herself makes a very small package"
must find faith in love... ima watch serindipity while i wait...
this heart of mine was broken at 4:22:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i saw the most hilarious site! its like this redramatization of romeo and juliet... its soooo funny...
but yes... recap of yesterday... ok, who can say EMBARASSMENT? say it with me everyone... im like utterly mortified... aakk! but yes... at least i got over it the fast way... i can never ever face him again... not even talk to him... its just too unthinkable to think what the conversation will be like... but yes im building a bridge... hahaha im like gonna go insane thinking about it... im so extremely nerdy... only i could put myself at such discomfort... seriously... how gay am i!
and to top it all off... "him" met a freaking girl at work... oh woop dee doo! and she's perfect for him... how disturbing... and i like just broke down crying last night cuz it was too much stress... damn the world! but whatver... they can get married for all i care... (hmph!) i dont understand why we still get so jealous... i mean, its been a more than a month... get over it! how pathetic am i??? but then before we went to bed, he told me he loved me... and he knows every living, breathing part of me feels the exact same way... why is life confusing?
and today i was really keeping my fingers crossed that i'd see him... cuz its been like 2 weeks and im afraid to admit how much ive missed him since then... my GOD! it just kills me when i get tx msgs at school saying he has to work meaning another weekend will pass without each other... and it will be like this forever and ever... i really try to not let it affect me all too much... cuz im not supposed to care if i see him or not... and the work excuse? isnt that the reason WHY we broke up in the first place? isnt that where he fudged up? and if he is out with some unknown stranger, i hope he has fun... UGH! damn him...
too much going on... too much to worry about... do you think i'll go crazy too?
too late...
i saw the most hilarious site! its like this redramatization of romeo and juliet... its soooo funny...
but yes... recap of yesterday... ok, who can say EMBARASSMENT? say it with me everyone... im like utterly mortified... aakk! but yes... at least i got over it the fast way... i can never ever face him again... not even talk to him... its just too unthinkable to think what the conversation will be like... but yes im building a bridge... hahaha im like gonna go insane thinking about it... im so extremely nerdy... only i could put myself at such discomfort... seriously... how gay am i!
and to top it all off... "him" met a freaking girl at work... oh woop dee doo! and she's perfect for him... how disturbing... and i like just broke down crying last night cuz it was too much stress... damn the world! but whatver... they can get married for all i care... (hmph!) i dont understand why we still get so jealous... i mean, its been a more than a month... get over it! how pathetic am i??? but then before we went to bed, he told me he loved me... and he knows every living, breathing part of me feels the exact same way... why is life confusing?
and today i was really keeping my fingers crossed that i'd see him... cuz its been like 2 weeks and im afraid to admit how much ive missed him since then... my GOD! it just kills me when i get tx msgs at school saying he has to work meaning another weekend will pass without each other... and it will be like this forever and ever... i really try to not let it affect me all too much... cuz im not supposed to care if i see him or not... and the work excuse? isnt that the reason WHY we broke up in the first place? isnt that where he fudged up? and if he is out with some unknown stranger, i hope he has fun... UGH! damn him...
too much going on... too much to worry about... do you think i'll go crazy too?
too late...
this heart of mine was broken at 4:06:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, May 08, 2002
[[ thought of the day ]]
"the best way to get even with someone is to forget"
[[ most adorable away msg of the moment ]]
when i'm running in cerritos for cross country or track, sometimes ppl like to yell things from their cars, but most of the time i can't understand them. One time i did understand him though, he yelled, "why are you running? no one is chasing you!" I wish more people were like that.
"the best way to get even with someone is to forget"
[[ most adorable away msg of the moment ]]
when i'm running in cerritos for cross country or track, sometimes ppl like to yell things from their cars, but most of the time i can't understand them. One time i did understand him though, he yelled, "why are you running? no one is chasing you!" I wish more people were like that.
this heart of mine was broken at 6:52:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
seriously, writing to you is like therapy... it totally gets all my shizzy out... pouring my heart out on my little keyboard really helps me deal with things... with inner frustrations and whatnot... and its funny looking back at it all... im such a hopeless GIRL! like its pathetic and incurable... how i dream and strive for that perfect guy who can love me and i can love him... yet stay guarded and picky at the same time... being influenced by the guys in my life, i try to put up this "who gives a shizzy" kinda thang... but i dont work like that... yes i can be a jerk... i break hearts too... with every stolen heart, there is someone else left empty handed...
im just trying to analize what kind of person i am... cuz i am sane... i think... i want a simple thing but everything makes it so complicated... i just want a bf who wont lie to me... and just love me... for whatver i am... and then to make it difficult, he cant treat me too good or i'll take advantage of him... but he has to make me feel special... he has to be at least aestheically pleasing... cuz come ON... you KNOW thats important... like all the little things i used to prefer just dont matter sumtimes cuz no one can be all that...
i wanted a guy who can wrote poetry, sings, romantic, funny, atheletic, dresses nice, doesnt smoke, drink, or do drugs, my parents like him, (half white and asian guys) <- preferable but not a necessity... but see those things can be overlooked if he's overall right for me... and i determine what that is... just like i said time and time again, i want sumone who'd fight for me... k maybe also a shy guy who'll only open up to me... thas y i like the seemingly cold guys... cuz i feel the need to break down their walls... to let them let me in... its like some passion of mine...
flirts are always cool cuz u feel all good when they flirt with you... and its easier for me to understand them... but then i guess i need a challenge... and who knows who else they flirt with... well im supposedly a "flirt" according to my ex... but if u call smiling while talking "flirting" then whatever... i dont know... i KNOW when i flirt... and he used to say i did when i didnt... or didnt mean to... oh who cares... seriously my next boyfriend, im making sure we have some understanding not to hurt each other... to not lie and not do stupid things that we know in our hearts would hurt the other person... to just make that choice not to be bad... to love as u want to be loved... i dont know... why am i talking about this? im gone way off into a tangent... wasnt i talking about how this was my therapy... oh well... i shall continue that thought elsewhere... or some other day... im gonna take a nap now... MUAH
seriously, writing to you is like therapy... it totally gets all my shizzy out... pouring my heart out on my little keyboard really helps me deal with things... with inner frustrations and whatnot... and its funny looking back at it all... im such a hopeless GIRL! like its pathetic and incurable... how i dream and strive for that perfect guy who can love me and i can love him... yet stay guarded and picky at the same time... being influenced by the guys in my life, i try to put up this "who gives a shizzy" kinda thang... but i dont work like that... yes i can be a jerk... i break hearts too... with every stolen heart, there is someone else left empty handed...
im just trying to analize what kind of person i am... cuz i am sane... i think... i want a simple thing but everything makes it so complicated... i just want a bf who wont lie to me... and just love me... for whatver i am... and then to make it difficult, he cant treat me too good or i'll take advantage of him... but he has to make me feel special... he has to be at least aestheically pleasing... cuz come ON... you KNOW thats important... like all the little things i used to prefer just dont matter sumtimes cuz no one can be all that...
i wanted a guy who can wrote poetry, sings, romantic, funny, atheletic, dresses nice, doesnt smoke, drink, or do drugs, my parents like him, (half white and asian guys) <- preferable but not a necessity... but see those things can be overlooked if he's overall right for me... and i determine what that is... just like i said time and time again, i want sumone who'd fight for me... k maybe also a shy guy who'll only open up to me... thas y i like the seemingly cold guys... cuz i feel the need to break down their walls... to let them let me in... its like some passion of mine...
flirts are always cool cuz u feel all good when they flirt with you... and its easier for me to understand them... but then i guess i need a challenge... and who knows who else they flirt with... well im supposedly a "flirt" according to my ex... but if u call smiling while talking "flirting" then whatever... i dont know... i KNOW when i flirt... and he used to say i did when i didnt... or didnt mean to... oh who cares... seriously my next boyfriend, im making sure we have some understanding not to hurt each other... to not lie and not do stupid things that we know in our hearts would hurt the other person... to just make that choice not to be bad... to love as u want to be loved... i dont know... why am i talking about this? im gone way off into a tangent... wasnt i talking about how this was my therapy... oh well... i shall continue that thought elsewhere... or some other day... im gonna take a nap now... MUAH
this heart of mine was broken at 6:31:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
thanks to my ever-so convincing acting skills... i got off work early today! oh yip! i sumtimes look forward to school and gushing about how cute alan is... seriously, theres like a fan club... its funny... poor boy, he doesnt even realize how gorgeous he is... its so hard trying to act non-chalant... cuz im like hyper-ventalating inside... gosh... it feels like one of those silly school girl crushes... actually this is exactly that... where you and your friends just giggle secretly amongst yourself exchanging random anecdotes with past memories with him...
but you know what... he's going to grad night with me!!! not vette or rez but moi! can u believe it?! well, im not getting my hopes up... nothing will happen... this will simply remain a platonic outing... its gonna be awesome though... its like all the radio stations have their won area there and its like u can hop around and pick the music and just dance... all in disneyland... all in one night! im exhausted just thinking about it...
what an amazing coincidence... i took off work early and he, because of a test, had to miss track... so we were talking right now... hehe thats just weird right there... now im glad i got off work... and you know his standards of a girl is someone who's shorter than him, funny, and smart... and "i would like a girl that wouldn't get bored iwth me"... those were his exact words... with the misspelling and everything... *sigh... i dont think anyone could ever get bored with him... or staring at that smile... i told him it was nice and he was like "well, i smile and laugh alot"... i could just imagine him saying that as if it were some enlightening suggestion from a little boy... awww... ok im stopping... toodles
thanks to my ever-so convincing acting skills... i got off work early today! oh yip! i sumtimes look forward to school and gushing about how cute alan is... seriously, theres like a fan club... its funny... poor boy, he doesnt even realize how gorgeous he is... its so hard trying to act non-chalant... cuz im like hyper-ventalating inside... gosh... it feels like one of those silly school girl crushes... actually this is exactly that... where you and your friends just giggle secretly amongst yourself exchanging random anecdotes with past memories with him...
but you know what... he's going to grad night with me!!! not vette or rez but moi! can u believe it?! well, im not getting my hopes up... nothing will happen... this will simply remain a platonic outing... its gonna be awesome though... its like all the radio stations have their won area there and its like u can hop around and pick the music and just dance... all in disneyland... all in one night! im exhausted just thinking about it...
what an amazing coincidence... i took off work early and he, because of a test, had to miss track... so we were talking right now... hehe thats just weird right there... now im glad i got off work... and you know his standards of a girl is someone who's shorter than him, funny, and smart... and "i would like a girl that wouldn't get bored iwth me"... those were his exact words... with the misspelling and everything... *sigh... i dont think anyone could ever get bored with him... or staring at that smile... i told him it was nice and he was like "well, i smile and laugh alot"... i could just imagine him saying that as if it were some enlightening suggestion from a little boy... awww... ok im stopping... toodles
this heart of mine was broken at 5:39:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, May 07, 2002
Dear heart,
he said yes!!!
teeheehee! =D you know im never this happy... but woohoo!!! he was even excited about it...
[[ reason to smile #1 ]]
me: we have grad night, you know... and i was wondering if you could go with me
allan: can i?
me: yes!!
allan: well, when is it?
me: may 23
allan: whoa! that's coming up
me: yeah... and?
allan: that'd be awesome
me: o MY goshness! lets go!!
allan: sure sure, i'll go
me: really? its 70 dollars
allan: why is it so expensive?
me: its cali4nia adventure plus dinner and disneyland
allan: i'll pull some strings with my parents. i'm spoiled, they'll let me go
me: haha ure spoiled, eh?
allan: to an extent
me: how exciting!
allan: yes it is. i cant believe youre asking me
me: well im actually doing someone a favor (ahem me)
allan: oh really? who?
me: for embarrasment reasons, the person will remain nameless
allan: is it anyboyd i know?
me: obviously
allan: but i didn't meet that many ppl. except for u, vette, and rez
me: well its the ppl uve met
allan: oh... that really narrows it down... :o)
me: no!!! dont even think things... haha
allan: wow. sounds fun
so yes... thats how it went... and then he told me to remind him to leave in 5 minutes cuz he had to study for another AP test... aww he's so smart...! but he stayed on for like 15 minutes more cuz we were just teasing each other about being ghetto... hehe now i can go to sleep happy...
and you know how much i f*cking hate cussing... so dont do it... or dont talk to me... bye now
he said yes!!!
teeheehee! =D you know im never this happy... but woohoo!!! he was even excited about it...
[[ reason to smile #1 ]]
me: we have grad night, you know... and i was wondering if you could go with me
allan: can i?
me: yes!!
allan: well, when is it?
me: may 23
allan: whoa! that's coming up
me: yeah... and?
allan: that'd be awesome
me: o MY goshness! lets go!!
allan: sure sure, i'll go
me: really? its 70 dollars
allan: why is it so expensive?
me: its cali4nia adventure plus dinner and disneyland
allan: i'll pull some strings with my parents. i'm spoiled, they'll let me go
me: haha ure spoiled, eh?
allan: to an extent
me: how exciting!
allan: yes it is. i cant believe youre asking me
me: well im actually doing someone a favor (ahem me)
allan: oh really? who?
me: for embarrasment reasons, the person will remain nameless
allan: is it anyboyd i know?
me: obviously
allan: but i didn't meet that many ppl. except for u, vette, and rez
me: well its the ppl uve met
allan: oh... that really narrows it down... :o)
me: no!!! dont even think things... haha
allan: wow. sounds fun
so yes... thats how it went... and then he told me to remind him to leave in 5 minutes cuz he had to study for another AP test... aww he's so smart...! but he stayed on for like 15 minutes more cuz we were just teasing each other about being ghetto... hehe now i can go to sleep happy...
and you know how much i f*cking hate cussing... so dont do it... or dont talk to me... bye now
this heart of mine was broken at 10:59:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
do you ever have those days when you feel like no matter who you are and what you do, you will never be good enough? im quite frustrated with being deeply infatuated with someone who might never see you "that way" because they are just so extremely, inexplicably perfect... they are smart, the finest guy ever, and athletic... to add to it all- he is shy and not conceited... he's actually a naively innocent guy who everyone loves... damn! i cant get guys like that... and even if he ever did like me... which would be like a miracle in itself... i know in my heart he deserves someone better than me... someone beautiful, funny, smart, and would treat that boy like a prince... cuz he seriously does deserve someone awesome like that...
he reminds me of how i used to idealize chaz... like he was some unattainable piece of snowflake... that wen u touch i, it would melt but if u let it drop, you can watch its beauty join the others in its purity... but then chaz grew up and became conceited and moronic... alan is grown up... he's just been lucky enough to not let go of all he was...
oh i dont know... all this is coming outta my ass... haha... im thinking of asking him to grad night... wish me luck... i'll make it non-chalant and casual so he wont get scared off... how exciting! oh who knows... stop getting your hopes up, dear... its pathetic... im embarasses to be called your keeper... your self... lol... k im insane and tired... muah!
do you ever have those days when you feel like no matter who you are and what you do, you will never be good enough? im quite frustrated with being deeply infatuated with someone who might never see you "that way" because they are just so extremely, inexplicably perfect... they are smart, the finest guy ever, and athletic... to add to it all- he is shy and not conceited... he's actually a naively innocent guy who everyone loves... damn! i cant get guys like that... and even if he ever did like me... which would be like a miracle in itself... i know in my heart he deserves someone better than me... someone beautiful, funny, smart, and would treat that boy like a prince... cuz he seriously does deserve someone awesome like that...
he reminds me of how i used to idealize chaz... like he was some unattainable piece of snowflake... that wen u touch i, it would melt but if u let it drop, you can watch its beauty join the others in its purity... but then chaz grew up and became conceited and moronic... alan is grown up... he's just been lucky enough to not let go of all he was...
oh i dont know... all this is coming outta my ass... haha... im thinking of asking him to grad night... wish me luck... i'll make it non-chalant and casual so he wont get scared off... how exciting! oh who knows... stop getting your hopes up, dear... its pathetic... im embarasses to be called your keeper... your self... lol... k im insane and tired... muah!
this heart of mine was broken at 10:37:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, May 06, 2002
Dear heart,
talking to shawn about kissing... (online convo)
me: im kinda scared to kiss u... im just really paranoid that by doing that i'll like u too much and u might leave one day and hurt me just like everyone else... you know?
s: no i dont know. its not like that
me: im just scared of that
s: ok
mer: cuz im trying to go out with u without being hurt... and i kno that would hurt
s: well i wouldn't do that
me: i hope so
i'd say "lying thru his ass" right now if i was in the paranoid mood... but im not... im lazy and i must rest... hope ya'll have sweet dreams and may they all come true...
talking to shawn about kissing... (online convo)
me: im kinda scared to kiss u... im just really paranoid that by doing that i'll like u too much and u might leave one day and hurt me just like everyone else... you know?
s: no i dont know. its not like that
me: im just scared of that
s: ok
mer: cuz im trying to go out with u without being hurt... and i kno that would hurt
s: well i wouldn't do that
me: i hope so
i'd say "lying thru his ass" right now if i was in the paranoid mood... but im not... im lazy and i must rest... hope ya'll have sweet dreams and may they all come true...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:51:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
oh just forget it! my gosh... im so frustrated right now... i have no idea why... i dont know if its early PMS or wut but im like ready to throw the monitor across the room... and for what? absolutely nothing at all... well maybe the thought that he got off the phone with me cuz he was "wasting his minutes" so he went and talked to his other gf who has the same phone as him... my, arent they just perfect...
speaking of perfection... i have just concluded that alan is way out of my league... i cannot reach for that impossible star... like we were talking today and its like how can a guy like u stay single... EVERYone wants u... and i can tell ure that 1%... he's like an angel... yeah they come once upon a miracle and then they disappear like a dream leaving a trail of sweet pixi dust memories... dont u hate finding the perfect guy at the most imperfect time... like in a few months he's gonna leave to his far off college... and just look at him! i dont have a chance in the world!
i was happy today... but now the mood is killed and i cant get over it... my AP test wasnt as bad as i thought it would be... friends are always fun... i wanna miss someone... anyone! but my heart feels so cold and empty and i dont think anyone lives there anymore... its just this vacant lot in my chest... pretty useless... oh woe is me... seriously...
ps. and thanks to "him's" ex gf who he cheated on me with... this is a quote from her:
[[ insult of the day ]]
i guess "he " was wrong about you... you're not as dumb as he thinks you are =)
wonderful... applaud! im not stupid... he's stupid... for leaving me... for treating me like shit wen i was the best gf in the world... f*ck... its always his stupid past that keeps on hurting me... even after we broke up... and thanks for reminding me of all our bad times... that it wasnt all peaches and cream... that he did hurt me and he sucks cuz of that... i bet he lies to me still thinking im that same dumb girl who loved him... im not, ok? its just cuz i love you, isnt it? that u are capable of hurting me... well no more... it ends here...
oh just forget it! my gosh... im so frustrated right now... i have no idea why... i dont know if its early PMS or wut but im like ready to throw the monitor across the room... and for what? absolutely nothing at all... well maybe the thought that he got off the phone with me cuz he was "wasting his minutes" so he went and talked to his other gf who has the same phone as him... my, arent they just perfect...
speaking of perfection... i have just concluded that alan is way out of my league... i cannot reach for that impossible star... like we were talking today and its like how can a guy like u stay single... EVERYone wants u... and i can tell ure that 1%... he's like an angel... yeah they come once upon a miracle and then they disappear like a dream leaving a trail of sweet pixi dust memories... dont u hate finding the perfect guy at the most imperfect time... like in a few months he's gonna leave to his far off college... and just look at him! i dont have a chance in the world!
i was happy today... but now the mood is killed and i cant get over it... my AP test wasnt as bad as i thought it would be... friends are always fun... i wanna miss someone... anyone! but my heart feels so cold and empty and i dont think anyone lives there anymore... its just this vacant lot in my chest... pretty useless... oh woe is me... seriously...
ps. and thanks to "him's" ex gf who he cheated on me with... this is a quote from her:
[[ insult of the day ]]
i guess "he " was wrong about you... you're not as dumb as he thinks you are =)
wonderful... applaud! im not stupid... he's stupid... for leaving me... for treating me like shit wen i was the best gf in the world... f*ck... its always his stupid past that keeps on hurting me... even after we broke up... and thanks for reminding me of all our bad times... that it wasnt all peaches and cream... that he did hurt me and he sucks cuz of that... i bet he lies to me still thinking im that same dumb girl who loved him... im not, ok? its just cuz i love you, isnt it? that u are capable of hurting me... well no more... it ends here...
this heart of mine was broken at 10:57:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, May 05, 2002
Dear heart,
im happy i have a new obsession... like i know nothing will come of it but its not wrong to dream now, aint it? hehe... i got my pics back and he has a killer smile... i love the shy type... you know that! man... i have an AP english test tomorrow... im scared of failing... he's probably studying for it right now... haha download "without me" by eminem... it reminds me of them... i feel like dancing... woooo!
[[ digression of studying ]]
(before)
- the subject looks studious and focused, seriousness in face indicates dedication
(after)
- the subject looks mildly deranged with its ridiculous thick rimmed glasses used to increase the amount of knowledge accumulated, suprised look on face indicates insanity for she is obviously reading the material upside down!
help me....
im happy i have a new obsession... like i know nothing will come of it but its not wrong to dream now, aint it? hehe... i got my pics back and he has a killer smile... i love the shy type... you know that! man... i have an AP english test tomorrow... im scared of failing... he's probably studying for it right now... haha download "without me" by eminem... it reminds me of them... i feel like dancing... woooo!
[[ digression of studying ]]
(before)
- the subject looks studious and focused, seriousness in face indicates dedication
(after)
- the subject looks mildly deranged with its ridiculous thick rimmed glasses used to increase the amount of knowledge accumulated, suprised look on face indicates insanity for she is obviously reading the material upside down!
help me....
this heart of mine was broken at 9:45:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
[[ portentious horoscope for prom ]]
"May be you will fall in love"
Dear heart,
oh MY goodness! prom was sooooo fun... even though we were kinda late cuz we had to pick everyone up, it was cool! and even though the picture taking took forever, i still got to dance... oh HELL yeah! my date was kinda freaking me out cuz i guess he assumed we would be the common prom clique... you know... the thing u do AFTER prom... he swears!
but i danced with rita's hot friends... like 3 of em are so much fun! they arent scared to be weird and act stupid... i loved it! but the shyest one caught my eye... yeah he's waaaaay out of my league... he's like this dewey eyed boy... even more than pj... and whats even better is that he actually shows interest in girls... but yeah... one of her other friends were hitting on me but i couldnt get over "alan"... like ive talked to him before too online cuz rita's gave him my sn out of the blue and he's really funny... in person, he's kinda mellow compared to his compadres... well i ended up dancing in a group with them the rest of the night... hehe me and alan danced swing and some other stuff together... i was happy *HEEEEEEEEEEEH!* but yeah im over it now...
then after that, my date kinda wondered where i disappeared to the rest of the night and i said i was looking for him too... we went to a friends house but they were doing all this icky illegal stuff and i was just not having fun... so we called ppl up and met rita and them at their hotel... it was cool! we watched aladdin on TV and just chilled... some ppl were drinking... actually i think im the only one who refrained of such a thing... but try to be proud of me... i almost took a sip but no... im not dumb... we talked about our AP tests or whatnot and i AM scared since it IS on monday... grr
but anyway im glad everything turned out like it did... i just secretly wished i went with "him"... i will always hold that against the world for not letting me go with him... and now i miss him (i know... i know... im trying to stop)... especially right after i had the best time ever cuz he wasnt there to share it with me... and im sure no matter what we did, i would have had the time of my life... i hope he enjoys his parties with the hoe girls all up on him... but i will not show him that it troubles me cuz it DOESNT! (i think) but yeah... i wanna offer a toast... to prom... here's to the night...
"May be you will fall in love"
Dear heart,
oh MY goodness! prom was sooooo fun... even though we were kinda late cuz we had to pick everyone up, it was cool! and even though the picture taking took forever, i still got to dance... oh HELL yeah! my date was kinda freaking me out cuz i guess he assumed we would be the common prom clique... you know... the thing u do AFTER prom... he swears!
but i danced with rita's hot friends... like 3 of em are so much fun! they arent scared to be weird and act stupid... i loved it! but the shyest one caught my eye... yeah he's waaaaay out of my league... he's like this dewey eyed boy... even more than pj... and whats even better is that he actually shows interest in girls... but yeah... one of her other friends were hitting on me but i couldnt get over "alan"... like ive talked to him before too online cuz rita's gave him my sn out of the blue and he's really funny... in person, he's kinda mellow compared to his compadres... well i ended up dancing in a group with them the rest of the night... hehe me and alan danced swing and some other stuff together... i was happy *HEEEEEEEEEEEH!* but yeah im over it now...
then after that, my date kinda wondered where i disappeared to the rest of the night and i said i was looking for him too... we went to a friends house but they were doing all this icky illegal stuff and i was just not having fun... so we called ppl up and met rita and them at their hotel... it was cool! we watched aladdin on TV and just chilled... some ppl were drinking... actually i think im the only one who refrained of such a thing... but try to be proud of me... i almost took a sip but no... im not dumb... we talked about our AP tests or whatnot and i AM scared since it IS on monday... grr
but anyway im glad everything turned out like it did... i just secretly wished i went with "him"... i will always hold that against the world for not letting me go with him... and now i miss him (i know... i know... im trying to stop)... especially right after i had the best time ever cuz he wasnt there to share it with me... and im sure no matter what we did, i would have had the time of my life... i hope he enjoys his parties with the hoe girls all up on him... but i will not show him that it troubles me cuz it DOESNT! (i think) but yeah... i wanna offer a toast... to prom... here's to the night...
this heart of mine was broken at 4:32:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, May 03, 2002
Dear heart,
today was not as bad as i would have thought... school was so kick back... we watched videos and sat on the carpet... and put dry ice in the school fountain to make the smokey effect... very neato... then tina helped me to find my dress... its SO not me... but its kinda pretty... i have black gloves and whatnot... and damn does everything look sleek... i dunno...
well i finished the rest of my shopping with shawn... we're cool homies now... he is so adorable... hehehe... even tho the idiot gets paranoid easily... like at first "ppl keep staring at him" which totally "pisses him off"... its hilarious cuz he says im paranoid... oh yeah! but when i picked up my check, adrian actually hugged me which was odd... we never hug... like it seems like he hates stuff like that... but anyway, we just chilled at the mall... he bought me food and like i felt bad and really wanted to pay, but he like blocked my way and just paid for me... and we bought perfume which smells like guy but its for a girl... its called thinking of you... i love it... and later we dance in the car on our way home... we went to 7/11 to buy lemonade and he bought his usual... nestle quik... and i got my first lotto ticket... i didnt win... but i was like 1 number away from $900 dollars... dammit...
oh bad thing tho... he was teasing me about something, i forgot what it was about now... but i was all "him, STOP!" yeah... i called shawn "him" again... fuuudge!! good thing he didnt hear it... and then i start missing him like an idiot... wondering what he was doing that very moment... if he was out with some girl... fudging some girl... and i REALLY, sincerely speculate my advancement toward the relapse period... agh! no! i was thinking of stupid bullshizz like "i dont belong here", "him should be right next to me", "i should be in him's car right now"... but hey... he didnt wanna see me so i guess thats why i was there... as i lean on shawn's shoulder, i realize im just doing that cuz i wish he was him... i know its stupid... damn merlin, my neighbor... she kept telling me to ask him back cuz we were really good together... oh MY god... not her too... but im so tired... continue this wen i get back from prom... love you all!
today was not as bad as i would have thought... school was so kick back... we watched videos and sat on the carpet... and put dry ice in the school fountain to make the smokey effect... very neato... then tina helped me to find my dress... its SO not me... but its kinda pretty... i have black gloves and whatnot... and damn does everything look sleek... i dunno...
well i finished the rest of my shopping with shawn... we're cool homies now... he is so adorable... hehehe... even tho the idiot gets paranoid easily... like at first "ppl keep staring at him" which totally "pisses him off"... its hilarious cuz he says im paranoid... oh yeah! but when i picked up my check, adrian actually hugged me which was odd... we never hug... like it seems like he hates stuff like that... but anyway, we just chilled at the mall... he bought me food and like i felt bad and really wanted to pay, but he like blocked my way and just paid for me... and we bought perfume which smells like guy but its for a girl... its called thinking of you... i love it... and later we dance in the car on our way home... we went to 7/11 to buy lemonade and he bought his usual... nestle quik... and i got my first lotto ticket... i didnt win... but i was like 1 number away from $900 dollars... dammit...
oh bad thing tho... he was teasing me about something, i forgot what it was about now... but i was all "him, STOP!" yeah... i called shawn "him" again... fuuudge!! good thing he didnt hear it... and then i start missing him like an idiot... wondering what he was doing that very moment... if he was out with some girl... fudging some girl... and i REALLY, sincerely speculate my advancement toward the relapse period... agh! no! i was thinking of stupid bullshizz like "i dont belong here", "him should be right next to me", "i should be in him's car right now"... but hey... he didnt wanna see me so i guess thats why i was there... as i lean on shawn's shoulder, i realize im just doing that cuz i wish he was him... i know its stupid... damn merlin, my neighbor... she kept telling me to ask him back cuz we were really good together... oh MY god... not her too... but im so tired... continue this wen i get back from prom... love you all!
this heart of mine was broken at 11:20:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, May 02, 2002
[[ random lyrics of the moment ]]
Jennifer Love Hewitt
You Make Me Smile
You make me smile
Even the times I'm trying to be serious
You are possessing the quality mysterious
A special style
You, you, you, you make me smile
You make me smile
Even the times our future's looking gloomier
Come through the door and then the room looks roomier
And for a while
You, you, you, you make me smile
You make me smile
We're never thinking that it could be so possible
Now on the other hand, It's finally probable
I'll stay a while
'Cause you, you, you, you make me smile
All the things I seem to feel uptight about
Ain't so devasting afterall
This must be what life is all about
Standing tall each time you take a fall
You, you, you make me smile
That's how I feel, boy
Whenever I'm with you
You make me smile
That's what you do to me, baby
[[ random quote from a guy ]]
"fuck mythical lies"
Jennifer Love Hewitt
You Make Me Smile
You make me smile
Even the times I'm trying to be serious
You are possessing the quality mysterious
A special style
You, you, you, you make me smile
You make me smile
Even the times our future's looking gloomier
Come through the door and then the room looks roomier
And for a while
You, you, you, you make me smile
You make me smile
We're never thinking that it could be so possible
Now on the other hand, It's finally probable
I'll stay a while
'Cause you, you, you, you make me smile
All the things I seem to feel uptight about
Ain't so devasting afterall
This must be what life is all about
Standing tall each time you take a fall
You, you, you make me smile
That's how I feel, boy
Whenever I'm with you
You make me smile
That's what you do to me, baby
[[ random quote from a guy ]]
"fuck mythical lies"
this heart of mine was broken at 10:42:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
"life has a funny way of sneaking up on you... life has a funny, funny way of helping you out..."
guess what?! while i was going to work, i get this call from shawn's work and im like "uh..." cuz i mean, it seems he hasnt called me in a long time... so it was just odd getting a call from him like that...
s: ey...
me: ya?
s: are we going out tomorrow? (!!)
me: what? but you said...
s: are we?!
me: i dont know... i had some stuff to do... and... i thought u didnt wanna go out with me this weekend... that you were too busy or whatver
s: yeah, yeah, yeah... do you want to?
me: fine
s: alright then, what time?
me: whenever you get off work, i guess...
s: alright...
me: are you sure about this?
s: YESS!
me: m'kay...
what a total weirdo... i seriously dont understand guys sometimes... i think they have their own way of thinking and i dont think i will ever get them... and he says i play games?! but im not complaining... not at all... shoot... its come to that ecstatic feeling of excitement where i can go hump a tree... you know what... that sux of him... making me worry and have the thought toil in my head that i wasnt gonna see him anymore... wut an awful thing to do to me!!! does he not understand how extremely stressed i am and how he has added to that... but now i can take a deep breath and smile for once...
oh yeah... i went to sleep with a smile last night... all because of him... i was so exhausted from our conversation i just fell dead asleep... shucks... just made me realize how much i missed him, i guess... yeah i know we talk like everyday again... and we're just cool homies now... but like i just miss "us" sometimes... you know? to say "sweet dreams, hunny... i love you" before we go to bed... or have him say "good night, my love"... *sigh i know it seems like im all good most of the time... but i do miss him... its so undeniable... hehe just a thought but our fun convo was sparked by that "stupid" song... hahahaha... i dont know... just found that ironic...
i dont know what stage of heartbreak im in... if im still in resolve or im falling into relapse... dammit! i think i am drifting to that insanity... seriously, i have this perfect picture of how we were back then... how happy and in love we were... how perfect we were together... its like im trying to cloud all the other not-so-perfect events... like our fights, infidelities, insults, hang ups, boredom, lies... the list can go on and on... shawn is right, ya know... "i cant believe you cant get over someone who cheated on you! think about it, pinklunatik, he put his sh*t in someone else... how could you ever forgive that..." and i find myself giving that stupid answer that battered wives and affair-victimized women say... "because i love him"... but what else is there to say? that IS my reason... so why does it seem different now? like its better... we get along so well... have we fought? no... has he cussed at me? no... has he hurt me? well... not INTENTIONALLY... so all in all, everything is all "g" with us... so it seemss... then why does something not feel right? why do i feel like im missing a part of me without him... i guess thats part of heartbreak... but i'll get over it someday, right? riiight...
"life has a funny way of sneaking up on you... life has a funny, funny way of helping you out..."
guess what?! while i was going to work, i get this call from shawn's work and im like "uh..." cuz i mean, it seems he hasnt called me in a long time... so it was just odd getting a call from him like that...
s: ey...
me: ya?
s: are we going out tomorrow? (!!)
me: what? but you said...
s: are we?!
me: i dont know... i had some stuff to do... and... i thought u didnt wanna go out with me this weekend... that you were too busy or whatver
s: yeah, yeah, yeah... do you want to?
me: fine
s: alright then, what time?
me: whenever you get off work, i guess...
s: alright...
me: are you sure about this?
s: YESS!
me: m'kay...
what a total weirdo... i seriously dont understand guys sometimes... i think they have their own way of thinking and i dont think i will ever get them... and he says i play games?! but im not complaining... not at all... shoot... its come to that ecstatic feeling of excitement where i can go hump a tree... you know what... that sux of him... making me worry and have the thought toil in my head that i wasnt gonna see him anymore... wut an awful thing to do to me!!! does he not understand how extremely stressed i am and how he has added to that... but now i can take a deep breath and smile for once...
oh yeah... i went to sleep with a smile last night... all because of him... i was so exhausted from our conversation i just fell dead asleep... shucks... just made me realize how much i missed him, i guess... yeah i know we talk like everyday again... and we're just cool homies now... but like i just miss "us" sometimes... you know? to say "sweet dreams, hunny... i love you" before we go to bed... or have him say "good night, my love"... *sigh i know it seems like im all good most of the time... but i do miss him... its so undeniable... hehe just a thought but our fun convo was sparked by that "stupid" song... hahahaha... i dont know... just found that ironic...
i dont know what stage of heartbreak im in... if im still in resolve or im falling into relapse... dammit! i think i am drifting to that insanity... seriously, i have this perfect picture of how we were back then... how happy and in love we were... how perfect we were together... its like im trying to cloud all the other not-so-perfect events... like our fights, infidelities, insults, hang ups, boredom, lies... the list can go on and on... shawn is right, ya know... "i cant believe you cant get over someone who cheated on you! think about it, pinklunatik, he put his sh*t in someone else... how could you ever forgive that..." and i find myself giving that stupid answer that battered wives and affair-victimized women say... "because i love him"... but what else is there to say? that IS my reason... so why does it seem different now? like its better... we get along so well... have we fought? no... has he cussed at me? no... has he hurt me? well... not INTENTIONALLY... so all in all, everything is all "g" with us... so it seemss... then why does something not feel right? why do i feel like im missing a part of me without him... i guess thats part of heartbreak... but i'll get over it someday, right? riiight...
this heart of mine was broken at 9:48:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, May 01, 2002
Dear heart,
you know what's even harder than trying to get over someone... trying to get over two people! it was hard enough pretending to be ok with him... but now shant too? must i keep this smile plastered on my silly little head and act like it doesnt hurt me when he doesnt call... that there is a felt akwardness even when we have a chance to talk... i dont know if im causing it or its just there... im so tempted to just call him... but what good would that do?
ugh! i just realized ive come to aquire his stupid mannerism... like before he nuzzles his face on my cheek... he crinkles his nose and scrunches up his mouth... now when people tease me, i make that same exact face... oh ew! and then i think of him and its all over... damn these stupid boys... they cause me so much emotional anguish...
you know what's even harder than trying to get over someone... trying to get over two people! it was hard enough pretending to be ok with him... but now shant too? must i keep this smile plastered on my silly little head and act like it doesnt hurt me when he doesnt call... that there is a felt akwardness even when we have a chance to talk... i dont know if im causing it or its just there... im so tempted to just call him... but what good would that do?
ugh! i just realized ive come to aquire his stupid mannerism... like before he nuzzles his face on my cheek... he crinkles his nose and scrunches up his mouth... now when people tease me, i make that same exact face... oh ew! and then i think of him and its all over... damn these stupid boys... they cause me so much emotional anguish...
this heart of mine was broken at 9:56:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
its late and i just got done with my funeral project... i just had to share a song with you...
[[ song of the night ]]
you f*ck like a man,
but you act like a boy
and i'm annoyed
you're so selfish and you know it
i think i'll hate you forever for it
but i'll be your friend
its all you want me to be
the sum of all the parts of you
are you really happy?
but you'll fade away
like everyone else
but just for today
im gonna keep you for myself
this feeling inside
like you've let something die
becomes more familiar
with the passing of time
i dont think that i'll ever
meet another person quite like you
but thats ok
neither will you
i dont know how far
i actually wanted to take it
im just glad like it never
seemed like we wanted to fake it
(aranova) nerdy girl
its late and i just got done with my funeral project... i just had to share a song with you...
[[ song of the night ]]
you f*ck like a man,
but you act like a boy
and i'm annoyed
you're so selfish and you know it
i think i'll hate you forever for it
but i'll be your friend
its all you want me to be
the sum of all the parts of you
are you really happy?
but you'll fade away
like everyone else
but just for today
im gonna keep you for myself
this feeling inside
like you've let something die
becomes more familiar
with the passing of time
i dont think that i'll ever
meet another person quite like you
but thats ok
neither will you
i dont know how far
i actually wanted to take it
im just glad like it never
seemed like we wanted to fake it
(aranova) nerdy girl
this heart of mine was broken at 1:43:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart