Tuesday, April 30, 2002
Dear heart,
it seems a great while since i wrote to you last... and a lot of things can happen in the course of a day... i dont even know how i should be feeling... relieved that its over (yet again) or regretful that we wont work out after all... i should be relieved because the fact that we only went out for 3 weeks makes it easier for me to move on and to not have shared as much memories as i could have if it had gone on longer... or regretful because even though i wanted to stay single (and ready to mingle or whatnot), with shawn it was different... if he wanted me to be his girlfriend, i might have said yes... i might have...
but that doesnt matter now, i guess... because we are "good friends" now... he was tired of my games anyway... whatver that means... i really dont consider not poruing my heart out to him "games"... i was just really scared of getting hurt if he knew what i felt... "the last time really hurt me, im scared to fall in love... cuz everytime i fall in love it seems to never last"... yeah i know thats from my song with "him" but it fits with my situation... i was NOT falling in love with him anyway... ew now im thinking about him and not shawn... akkk! focus! as i was saying, it was just my defense mechanism and i guess it worked too well... he still doesnt even know how much i liked him... that i gave up the guys i could have been going out with for him... he doesnt even know...
you know what his song for me is? "i need a girl" by usher...
"I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to make my wife
I need a girl who's mine oh mine
I need a girl in my life
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to be my wife
Nobody else cuz she's all mine
I need a girl in my life"
and it's all because of that one time we were just messing around about getting married one day... he pulled out lines like:
"I want some real shit, I need somebody I can chill with
I need somebody I can build with
I need somebody I can hold tight
With the time and the full lips, snow white
Anytime we together would feel so right
You the girl I been lookin for my whole life
God bless me, I'm glad I got the insight
It's cuz of you girl, now I understand life"
that was for me... we used to talk about him being my superman cuz we were watching smallville one day... and then he'd be my hero and save the world... while being that real estate broker by day... it sounded like a good life... even though it was just for fun, its nice to think of dumb things like that... god im such an idiot! i should never have invested so much feeling into this... especially since i ruin everything anyway...
do you realize the first time we went out, i could NOT even stand him... i mean, i still cant... but back then i was all "NEVER AGAIN"... but then he asked me out again... and something changed in fashion show... i just saw a different side of him... that whole day, it was like mildly irritating but overall comfy... like we got my check, ate, and he held me while we ordered, then went to a school function he didnt even complain about... but now its time to get over it... and even though that wasnt the last time we were gonna see each other, i'll know he wont like me as much as he used to...
you know what ive always wanted? someone to fight for me... to keep me... and he always did that... when we argued, he'd call back even if i hung up or whatnot... even if it was my fault... even if he hung up on me because of a mean thing i said... he'd call and wonder why i didnt call back... he might have acted like an asshole most of the time with his stupid comments and jokes, but i know he's not really like that... i mean, if he's willing to give up his pride to call me back or beg to talk to me... and call over and over again till he was sure i wasnt mad... and it always worked cuz i'd get over being mad and just get annoyed and laugh it off... he hasnt even called me today... and i usually get like 5 missed calls during school... haha i dont see the point in it but it makes me smile to think he was thinking of me at school and work or whatnot... shizzy... that reminds me... must go to work now...!
[[ line of the day ]]
"now i know that i did something wrong, cuz i miss you"
-lisa loeb (stay)
it seems a great while since i wrote to you last... and a lot of things can happen in the course of a day... i dont even know how i should be feeling... relieved that its over (yet again) or regretful that we wont work out after all... i should be relieved because the fact that we only went out for 3 weeks makes it easier for me to move on and to not have shared as much memories as i could have if it had gone on longer... or regretful because even though i wanted to stay single (and ready to mingle or whatnot), with shawn it was different... if he wanted me to be his girlfriend, i might have said yes... i might have...
but that doesnt matter now, i guess... because we are "good friends" now... he was tired of my games anyway... whatver that means... i really dont consider not poruing my heart out to him "games"... i was just really scared of getting hurt if he knew what i felt... "the last time really hurt me, im scared to fall in love... cuz everytime i fall in love it seems to never last"... yeah i know thats from my song with "him" but it fits with my situation... i was NOT falling in love with him anyway... ew now im thinking about him and not shawn... akkk! focus! as i was saying, it was just my defense mechanism and i guess it worked too well... he still doesnt even know how much i liked him... that i gave up the guys i could have been going out with for him... he doesnt even know...
you know what his song for me is? "i need a girl" by usher...
"I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to make my wife
I need a girl who's mine oh mine
I need a girl in my life
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to be my wife
Nobody else cuz she's all mine
I need a girl in my life"
and it's all because of that one time we were just messing around about getting married one day... he pulled out lines like:
"I want some real shit, I need somebody I can chill with
I need somebody I can build with
I need somebody I can hold tight
With the time and the full lips, snow white
Anytime we together would feel so right
You the girl I been lookin for my whole life
God bless me, I'm glad I got the insight
It's cuz of you girl, now I understand life"
that was for me... we used to talk about him being my superman cuz we were watching smallville one day... and then he'd be my hero and save the world... while being that real estate broker by day... it sounded like a good life... even though it was just for fun, its nice to think of dumb things like that... god im such an idiot! i should never have invested so much feeling into this... especially since i ruin everything anyway...
do you realize the first time we went out, i could NOT even stand him... i mean, i still cant... but back then i was all "NEVER AGAIN"... but then he asked me out again... and something changed in fashion show... i just saw a different side of him... that whole day, it was like mildly irritating but overall comfy... like we got my check, ate, and he held me while we ordered, then went to a school function he didnt even complain about... but now its time to get over it... and even though that wasnt the last time we were gonna see each other, i'll know he wont like me as much as he used to...
you know what ive always wanted? someone to fight for me... to keep me... and he always did that... when we argued, he'd call back even if i hung up or whatnot... even if it was my fault... even if he hung up on me because of a mean thing i said... he'd call and wonder why i didnt call back... he might have acted like an asshole most of the time with his stupid comments and jokes, but i know he's not really like that... i mean, if he's willing to give up his pride to call me back or beg to talk to me... and call over and over again till he was sure i wasnt mad... and it always worked cuz i'd get over being mad and just get annoyed and laugh it off... he hasnt even called me today... and i usually get like 5 missed calls during school... haha i dont see the point in it but it makes me smile to think he was thinking of me at school and work or whatnot... shizzy... that reminds me... must go to work now...!
[[ line of the day ]]
"now i know that i did something wrong, cuz i miss you"
-lisa loeb (stay)
this heart of mine was broken at 3:58:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, April 28, 2002
Dear heart,
i believe that every couple has their love story... no matter how fairy-tale-like it was or how unromantic it is... it was their love story... and to them, its what brought them together... it was just a random thought of mine... like people meet at the supermarket and end up marrying each other... and it might seem fairly odd to other people, but hey... they were lucky enough to find love in the first place... even if it was the supermarket... i just find it fascinating when you walk down the street or through the mall and see these people holding hands and whatnot... dont you wonder how they met? what made them fall in love? what was their love story?
i believe that every couple has their love story... no matter how fairy-tale-like it was or how unromantic it is... it was their love story... and to them, its what brought them together... it was just a random thought of mine... like people meet at the supermarket and end up marrying each other... and it might seem fairly odd to other people, but hey... they were lucky enough to find love in the first place... even if it was the supermarket... i just find it fascinating when you walk down the street or through the mall and see these people holding hands and whatnot... dont you wonder how they met? what made them fall in love? what was their love story?
this heart of mine was broken at 9:59:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, April 27, 2002
Dear heart,
was that an actual fun conversation with him? like we were laughing and teasing each other... errr, rather he was teasing me on what i tell mr irritating... ew i hope im not regressing to the false hope stage... cuz im working plenty hard on resolve at this particular moment... its not like im falling in love with him or anything... no, it cant be that... well, ive always been in love with him anway... so there really isnt a difference... its just that i know better than to be with him cuz he's hurt me so much already and i know he'd do it again... besides, its not like he'd want to even if i did, ya know? but it IS normal to feel this way... to feel this way about him... cuz its such a natural thing...
and im so serious... will everyone please STOP telling me how cute we were together?! cuz i dont really wanna think about stuff like that... its hard enough trying to convince myself we just werent right for each other... with everyone trying to tell me otherwise... its so frustrating... leave me be with my internal struggles if you arent gonna help... sheesh...
ok the weirdo just tricked me... and im fruitlessly trying to convince him i knew it the whole time... all my secrets were sent to him... and i was like "whaaaaat?!" oh MY god... damn him... hahaha... damn u!
was that an actual fun conversation with him? like we were laughing and teasing each other... errr, rather he was teasing me on what i tell mr irritating... ew i hope im not regressing to the false hope stage... cuz im working plenty hard on resolve at this particular moment... its not like im falling in love with him or anything... no, it cant be that... well, ive always been in love with him anway... so there really isnt a difference... its just that i know better than to be with him cuz he's hurt me so much already and i know he'd do it again... besides, its not like he'd want to even if i did, ya know? but it IS normal to feel this way... to feel this way about him... cuz its such a natural thing...
and im so serious... will everyone please STOP telling me how cute we were together?! cuz i dont really wanna think about stuff like that... its hard enough trying to convince myself we just werent right for each other... with everyone trying to tell me otherwise... its so frustrating... leave me be with my internal struggles if you arent gonna help... sheesh...
ok the weirdo just tricked me... and im fruitlessly trying to convince him i knew it the whole time... all my secrets were sent to him... and i was like "whaaaaat?!" oh MY god... damn him... hahaha... damn u!
this heart of mine was broken at 9:41:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
thank GOD i went out with shawn yesterday... to think i was content with chillin at home until jebby's thing... but then something inside me told me to just go... i mean, what could i lose? except my heart... but im trying to hold onto it... i havent even told shawn that i saw him the same day... dammit! i hope we go out next weekend... but it shall be limited to friday cuz i have prom on saturday... i just wanna see him, thas all... dates with shawn seem so random and pointless... but we have so much fun and time flies by so damn fast... even our stupid little abusive flirtations make my day... i swear, his abuse equals mine... i think i have a thing for guys who maddog but when he's with me, he shares his smile with me... he doesnt even smile at my purdy friends... he just kinda nods... and when they leave, a boyish smile invades his face... i notice he likes to nuzzle his face in my hair, like when we're standing there... and he kinda pulls me close from behind... then lets go... i look at him but he acts so nonchalant about it... i dont know... i just dont know...
[[ song of the day ]]
when you know- shawn colvin (from the serindipity soundtrack)
thank GOD i went out with shawn yesterday... to think i was content with chillin at home until jebby's thing... but then something inside me told me to just go... i mean, what could i lose? except my heart... but im trying to hold onto it... i havent even told shawn that i saw him the same day... dammit! i hope we go out next weekend... but it shall be limited to friday cuz i have prom on saturday... i just wanna see him, thas all... dates with shawn seem so random and pointless... but we have so much fun and time flies by so damn fast... even our stupid little abusive flirtations make my day... i swear, his abuse equals mine... i think i have a thing for guys who maddog but when he's with me, he shares his smile with me... he doesnt even smile at my purdy friends... he just kinda nods... and when they leave, a boyish smile invades his face... i notice he likes to nuzzle his face in my hair, like when we're standing there... and he kinda pulls me close from behind... then lets go... i look at him but he acts so nonchalant about it... i dont know... i just dont know...
[[ song of the day ]]
when you know- shawn colvin (from the serindipity soundtrack)
this heart of mine was broken at 6:58:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
it turns out he did remember... but there just wasnt any point in mentioning it... it was an insignificant day that obviously meant nothing to either of us... so next time the 26th passes, it just passes... and it will be like every ordinary 26th of the month before i met him... how could i even have been so stupid that still meant anything, even if it was just a speck of treasured memory...
but im wrong... im SO good at that... being wrong about things... being wrong about people... having too much faith in people's hearts... assuming they would care as much as i do... but they dont... its as simple as that... im easily disappointed because i expect everyone to love as i do... cuz thats what i do best... love... and people cant see how easy it is to just DO that! but i will not dwell on this... i care not about yesterday... i care not about anything anymore... i must try this tactic of guys... of doing things without love... of making people cry and not care... of just not loving anymore... of showing no more than 15.6% of your emotions... this i must learn from shawn... cuz i know he's learning the caring portion of his life through me...
i know this was a venting entree but i had to add a random shawn tidbit: he has never had a real girlfriend... just friends he's messed around with... and never anyone he wanted to get serious with, instead to explore and exploit sexuality... (ew) but look how slow we're going... that must mean something right? WHY must i find meaning in everything?! stop it... remember? you dont care!... oh yeah...
it turns out he did remember... but there just wasnt any point in mentioning it... it was an insignificant day that obviously meant nothing to either of us... so next time the 26th passes, it just passes... and it will be like every ordinary 26th of the month before i met him... how could i even have been so stupid that still meant anything, even if it was just a speck of treasured memory...
but im wrong... im SO good at that... being wrong about things... being wrong about people... having too much faith in people's hearts... assuming they would care as much as i do... but they dont... its as simple as that... im easily disappointed because i expect everyone to love as i do... cuz thats what i do best... love... and people cant see how easy it is to just DO that! but i will not dwell on this... i care not about yesterday... i care not about anything anymore... i must try this tactic of guys... of doing things without love... of making people cry and not care... of just not loving anymore... of showing no more than 15.6% of your emotions... this i must learn from shawn... cuz i know he's learning the caring portion of his life through me...
i know this was a venting entree but i had to add a random shawn tidbit: he has never had a real girlfriend... just friends he's messed around with... and never anyone he wanted to get serious with, instead to explore and exploit sexuality... (ew) but look how slow we're going... that must mean something right? WHY must i find meaning in everything?! stop it... remember? you dont care!... oh yeah...
this heart of mine was broken at 12:59:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
it was all good yesterday... one of the best days ive had in a long time... before i go on with my gush fest... i must add a sad note, he totally didnt realize what yesterday was... it would have been 20 months... i mean, i KNOW it doesnt matter or whatnot...but still... *shrug* whatever...
ANYway... my morning adventure left marks on me and its a little embarassing... but its just what the doctor ordered... then soon after, mr irritating picks me up from my neighbor's house... he looked freaking BOMB! and for once, i was all ghettoed out... grr!! but he was happy to see me anyway... he was all sick and like wiping his nose... it was cute how embarassed he was because of it... and then we went to the mall to look for shoes...
oh MY god! did he have a comment about every damn person who walked by... he is so damn embarassing... and like he'd sing out of nowhere... i'd just walk away and it looked like he was just following me the whole time... hehe... finally we went to a bookstore... i was in search of yet another cynically depressed collection of poetry about love... he just went on and on about how scary book stores where... and he couldnt believe i would be caught dead in one... so when i went to the poetry section and sat down, he was going into shock... he kept bothering me and i told him to walk around but he wouldnt cuz it was "intimidating"... its funny when he uses big words... his voice doesnt suit that type of diction... haha! but anyway, while i was reading, out of nowhere he kisses me softly on the side of my mouth... it was so random and unlike him that i was like totally appalled...
*sigh... then he took me to jeb's house and like he didnt want me to leave... but i wanted to see all my friends already... and pj was there... he might leave if i stayed out too long... so he kept locking the stupid doors until i gave him a hug... and this went on for at least 15 minutes in front of her house... finally i was getting pissed and i refused to go any further... so he scrunched his face into a smile... snuggled his face into my left cheek... gave me a long hug and unlocked the door... i called him dumb before i left... but i couldnt hide my smile anymore... i came around and he touched my chin and smiled... and i went in the house
and yes... of course jeb's mom asks me what happened to him... cuz we were "a berry cute couple"... and im forced to lower my eyes and say, "its really over so oh well"... we TPed a house at like 3 in the AM and then ate at denny's full of queer folks... wow! it was awesome...
it was all good yesterday... one of the best days ive had in a long time... before i go on with my gush fest... i must add a sad note, he totally didnt realize what yesterday was... it would have been 20 months... i mean, i KNOW it doesnt matter or whatnot...but still... *shrug* whatever...
ANYway... my morning adventure left marks on me and its a little embarassing... but its just what the doctor ordered... then soon after, mr irritating picks me up from my neighbor's house... he looked freaking BOMB! and for once, i was all ghettoed out... grr!! but he was happy to see me anyway... he was all sick and like wiping his nose... it was cute how embarassed he was because of it... and then we went to the mall to look for shoes...
oh MY god! did he have a comment about every damn person who walked by... he is so damn embarassing... and like he'd sing out of nowhere... i'd just walk away and it looked like he was just following me the whole time... hehe... finally we went to a bookstore... i was in search of yet another cynically depressed collection of poetry about love... he just went on and on about how scary book stores where... and he couldnt believe i would be caught dead in one... so when i went to the poetry section and sat down, he was going into shock... he kept bothering me and i told him to walk around but he wouldnt cuz it was "intimidating"... its funny when he uses big words... his voice doesnt suit that type of diction... haha! but anyway, while i was reading, out of nowhere he kisses me softly on the side of my mouth... it was so random and unlike him that i was like totally appalled...
*sigh... then he took me to jeb's house and like he didnt want me to leave... but i wanted to see all my friends already... and pj was there... he might leave if i stayed out too long... so he kept locking the stupid doors until i gave him a hug... and this went on for at least 15 minutes in front of her house... finally i was getting pissed and i refused to go any further... so he scrunched his face into a smile... snuggled his face into my left cheek... gave me a long hug and unlocked the door... i called him dumb before i left... but i couldnt hide my smile anymore... i came around and he touched my chin and smiled... and i went in the house
and yes... of course jeb's mom asks me what happened to him... cuz we were "a berry cute couple"... and im forced to lower my eyes and say, "its really over so oh well"... we TPed a house at like 3 in the AM and then ate at denny's full of queer folks... wow! it was awesome...
this heart of mine was broken at 12:38:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, April 26, 2002
Dear heart,
he just left... everything is all good like this... i thought i'd go crazy or somthing but lookie me! i can handle this... and i'll treat it like a regular friendship... no jealousy over anything... if he gets back with that stickly girl, then let him... im not gonna be foolish... i must learn to be unfoolish, i guess... we both know its better like this... love is a funny thing... so are hormones... and sometimes, you cant tell the difference... well my movie finished dling... must watch it... fare thee well...
he just left... everything is all good like this... i thought i'd go crazy or somthing but lookie me! i can handle this... and i'll treat it like a regular friendship... no jealousy over anything... if he gets back with that stickly girl, then let him... im not gonna be foolish... i must learn to be unfoolish, i guess... we both know its better like this... love is a funny thing... so are hormones... and sometimes, you cant tell the difference... well my movie finished dling... must watch it... fare thee well...
this heart of mine was broken at 2:18:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
oh who cares... its not like i wanted to see him anyway... SO not worth it...
i still need to pack for tonight... and i must find a cute outfit for tonight... it has seriously been a week since i saw that boy! dont you hate how you almost forget their face... am i gonna get my kiss today? will he act up? what's to happen tonight? and of all nights i can actually stay out really late... so what the heck are we gonna do those wee hours of darkness... maybe just cruising as usual... why does it feel like forever since i hugged shawn? i mean, it literally feels like months... but the thundering word of "asshole" lingers in my mind... are they right? is he like that? at least he hasnt proved them right so far, and if he does... he wont be any different to his accusers...
oh who cares... its not like i wanted to see him anyway... SO not worth it...
i still need to pack for tonight... and i must find a cute outfit for tonight... it has seriously been a week since i saw that boy! dont you hate how you almost forget their face... am i gonna get my kiss today? will he act up? what's to happen tonight? and of all nights i can actually stay out really late... so what the heck are we gonna do those wee hours of darkness... maybe just cruising as usual... why does it feel like forever since i hugged shawn? i mean, it literally feels like months... but the thundering word of "asshole" lingers in my mind... are they right? is he like that? at least he hasnt proved them right so far, and if he does... he wont be any different to his accusers...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:05:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
sometimes it sucks being a girl... for with that label comes all these subconscious little imperfections... like the inability to let go, the need for a significant other to feel worthwhile, and the constant reminding of self of certain days, places, etc... ok to sum it all up it would have been our 20 month anniversary... and im ashamed to have noted such a fact... i bet he thinks its just an ordinary day... well, in fact it is.. and i dont even know why i mentioned it... im sorry... im stupid... forget i ever happened...
sometimes it sucks being a girl... for with that label comes all these subconscious little imperfections... like the inability to let go, the need for a significant other to feel worthwhile, and the constant reminding of self of certain days, places, etc... ok to sum it all up it would have been our 20 month anniversary... and im ashamed to have noted such a fact... i bet he thinks its just an ordinary day... well, in fact it is.. and i dont even know why i mentioned it... im sorry... im stupid... forget i ever happened...
this heart of mine was broken at 10:43:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, April 25, 2002
Dear heart,
this is just the weirdest day... i cant even talk about it... i will just mark this in my mind as the weirdest day and i'll know what i'm talking about... im confused beyond belief but im not really bothered by it... shawn is just putting me through a lot of absolutely nothing right now which is pissing me off... and i dont remember "him" to be THAT good of a kisser... my goodness! has he gotten practice from his little girlfriend? well if he has, good job, shelly! now let me bludgeon you with a piece of meat... hahaha... i got this awesome book and i posted some poems...
shawn is so odd! he is, as of now, trying to explain to me the way to communicate with cats... he tells me to listen close then gives out this shrill atrocity from his mouth that just pierces into my ears... i swear... only he can make a sound as annoying as that... i was trying to avoid telling him of today's incidents... i mean, will he get mad and stop talking to me? i would, if i found out he kissed another girl...
why did i do it anyway? yes, it felt right... yes, it felt good... but was it necessary to go on with my life? haha not really... but im not sorry i did it... im a single girl! i can kiss my ex if i wanted to... i dont have a boyfriend or anything... its like kissing a random guy... except i just happen to love this one... i know he doesnt wanna be with me... and that kiss meant nothing to him... but what can i do? cry about it? i don think so, hunny... im a lil grown up in the relationship department... i think we tend to grow a little with every broken piece of our hearts... and ive learned to accept we arent getting back together... he and his lil girlfriend are taking "time"... before they rush off and get married... hehe... well whatever their furture plans together are... i know im not there...
im just comfortable with him... he knows everything about me... he's been through everything with me for a year and eight months... yeah, we fight... but we are friends... and he knows i care a lot about him... that theres nothing i wouldnt do for him... i hope its vice versa... but if not, i have many more friends who are like that... k im off to bed... nights...
this is just the weirdest day... i cant even talk about it... i will just mark this in my mind as the weirdest day and i'll know what i'm talking about... im confused beyond belief but im not really bothered by it... shawn is just putting me through a lot of absolutely nothing right now which is pissing me off... and i dont remember "him" to be THAT good of a kisser... my goodness! has he gotten practice from his little girlfriend? well if he has, good job, shelly! now let me bludgeon you with a piece of meat... hahaha... i got this awesome book and i posted some poems...
shawn is so odd! he is, as of now, trying to explain to me the way to communicate with cats... he tells me to listen close then gives out this shrill atrocity from his mouth that just pierces into my ears... i swear... only he can make a sound as annoying as that... i was trying to avoid telling him of today's incidents... i mean, will he get mad and stop talking to me? i would, if i found out he kissed another girl...
why did i do it anyway? yes, it felt right... yes, it felt good... but was it necessary to go on with my life? haha not really... but im not sorry i did it... im a single girl! i can kiss my ex if i wanted to... i dont have a boyfriend or anything... its like kissing a random guy... except i just happen to love this one... i know he doesnt wanna be with me... and that kiss meant nothing to him... but what can i do? cry about it? i don think so, hunny... im a lil grown up in the relationship department... i think we tend to grow a little with every broken piece of our hearts... and ive learned to accept we arent getting back together... he and his lil girlfriend are taking "time"... before they rush off and get married... hehe... well whatever their furture plans together are... i know im not there...
im just comfortable with him... he knows everything about me... he's been through everything with me for a year and eight months... yeah, we fight... but we are friends... and he knows i care a lot about him... that theres nothing i wouldnt do for him... i hope its vice versa... but if not, i have many more friends who are like that... k im off to bed... nights...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:07:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
one word: dammit!
one word: dammit!
this heart of mine was broken at 1:18:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, April 24, 2002
Dear heart,
i had THE best time ever... first we went to countdown and my goodness... all these boys i grew up with have finally grown into good-looking young men... it was just amazingly fun dancing again... and DAMN pj can dance... even better than alec... it was like prom date look out day... very amusing... and right after we went to an arcade and just played our hearts out... and then chilled at albertos and alec met up with us later... ewww we saw this crow road kill... and i was so traumatized... and these ewie old men were trying to hit on us... gross gross gross!!! but all in all, i had an awesome time... its always fun with the girls... even more fun than seeing shawn sumtimes... hehe SOMEtimes...
must get sleep so i can actually wake up tomorrow... he might visit me and i get to chill with my old friend... oh PLEASE dont let me fall in love with him all over again... cuz i really was doing ok without him... except for the periodic waves of loneliness for him that i get... i havent cried much over him and im almost forgeting how much we used to mean to each other... so do i really want to open this wound? to get to hug him like i used to... to fullfill a craving ive had these past 3 weeks? wish me luck... wish me strength... and most of all wish me love... always
i had THE best time ever... first we went to countdown and my goodness... all these boys i grew up with have finally grown into good-looking young men... it was just amazingly fun dancing again... and DAMN pj can dance... even better than alec... it was like prom date look out day... very amusing... and right after we went to an arcade and just played our hearts out... and then chilled at albertos and alec met up with us later... ewww we saw this crow road kill... and i was so traumatized... and these ewie old men were trying to hit on us... gross gross gross!!! but all in all, i had an awesome time... its always fun with the girls... even more fun than seeing shawn sumtimes... hehe SOMEtimes...
must get sleep so i can actually wake up tomorrow... he might visit me and i get to chill with my old friend... oh PLEASE dont let me fall in love with him all over again... cuz i really was doing ok without him... except for the periodic waves of loneliness for him that i get... i havent cried much over him and im almost forgeting how much we used to mean to each other... so do i really want to open this wound? to get to hug him like i used to... to fullfill a craving ive had these past 3 weeks? wish me luck... wish me strength... and most of all wish me love... always
this heart of mine was broken at 11:36:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
my GOD! shawn just went off on me like no other... i asked him why he's been acting weird these past couple of days and he goes all crazy saying he was sick... and he says its like he cant say anything cuz everytime he tries to tell me something, i hafto say something rotten... well that made me feel bad cuz it was partly true... but he does it too! how am i supposed to react to someone like him? im scared of being too nice cuz he might treat me like shit... and if we already treat each other bad, there's no change in attitude later... and we can always be equal... its a twisted way of looking at things, but it worked...
until i found out he wasnt enjoying it very much... i can be nice... i just never knew he felt like that... im just tired of getting yelled at... is it so damn much to ask? well, when shawn yelled before, it was just being funny and sarcastic and ditto... but now i guess he meant all that... and i truly am sorry... see! now i KNOW im doing something wrong... didnt i promise myself that im not gonna be sorry anymore?? not for anything or anyONE! but why am i then?
damn promises! i cant even keep promises i make to MYSELF!! has this world totally went bananas? damn the boat is sinking and im going down with the ship... drowning in a sea of shattered hearts and broken promises... where no one can save you because they are as much drowining in it all as you are... and everything is hopeless until a lil lifeboat of love sails by... but its a never-ending cycle of almost dying and being saved... and sometimes i cant tell the difference anymore... and where does that put me?
my GOD! shawn just went off on me like no other... i asked him why he's been acting weird these past couple of days and he goes all crazy saying he was sick... and he says its like he cant say anything cuz everytime he tries to tell me something, i hafto say something rotten... well that made me feel bad cuz it was partly true... but he does it too! how am i supposed to react to someone like him? im scared of being too nice cuz he might treat me like shit... and if we already treat each other bad, there's no change in attitude later... and we can always be equal... its a twisted way of looking at things, but it worked...
until i found out he wasnt enjoying it very much... i can be nice... i just never knew he felt like that... im just tired of getting yelled at... is it so damn much to ask? well, when shawn yelled before, it was just being funny and sarcastic and ditto... but now i guess he meant all that... and i truly am sorry... see! now i KNOW im doing something wrong... didnt i promise myself that im not gonna be sorry anymore?? not for anything or anyONE! but why am i then?
damn promises! i cant even keep promises i make to MYSELF!! has this world totally went bananas? damn the boat is sinking and im going down with the ship... drowning in a sea of shattered hearts and broken promises... where no one can save you because they are as much drowining in it all as you are... and everything is hopeless until a lil lifeboat of love sails by... but its a never-ending cycle of almost dying and being saved... and sometimes i cant tell the difference anymore... and where does that put me?
this heart of mine was broken at 4:21:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, April 23, 2002
Dear heart,
its late and im tired... his tummy "hurt" so he must be talking to his lil gf right now... how absolutely fabulous... im getting antsy... my heart is crossing its little fingers that he'll call me... go online... or something... ANYTHING! i cant write much... i cant wait for tomorrow... no work... and i get to see pj... so hip hip... hoorah! im off to bed... toodles...
its late and im tired... his tummy "hurt" so he must be talking to his lil gf right now... how absolutely fabulous... im getting antsy... my heart is crossing its little fingers that he'll call me... go online... or something... ANYTHING! i cant write much... i cant wait for tomorrow... no work... and i get to see pj... so hip hip... hoorah! im off to bed... toodles...
this heart of mine was broken at 10:28:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
{sumthing i wrote in pre-calc class earlier today}
Dear heart,
im really sick and tired of being excited over him... its not even worth the disappointment im going through anymore... i think im getting the emotional PMS again... cuz when i got his text that he couldnt see me, i just started tearing and i was fine a few seconds before... all this f*cking emotion bottled up inside just spilled out for once... pretending like im all "g" with this moronic girl being in his heart... with her being THE most important thing besides his gun... it makes me wanna BARF!!! yet i must smile and give opinions and advice as if he was always this friend... instead of my ex lover...
i truly believed i would finally see him again, just to see him, even as just a friend... but maybe opining myself to that opportunity makes me vulnerable to the pains of disappointment and getting hurt, yet again... im always putting my damn heart on the line for temporary and not-even-satisfying joys... where is shawn when i need him? i refuse to call him back... if he's gonna act like that- i say let him! its just, i want to have him next to me or talking to me so he can make me laugh... he's so good at making me forget about almost anything... i need to see him... or who knows what i'll do...
Dear heart,
im really sick and tired of being excited over him... its not even worth the disappointment im going through anymore... i think im getting the emotional PMS again... cuz when i got his text that he couldnt see me, i just started tearing and i was fine a few seconds before... all this f*cking emotion bottled up inside just spilled out for once... pretending like im all "g" with this moronic girl being in his heart... with her being THE most important thing besides his gun... it makes me wanna BARF!!! yet i must smile and give opinions and advice as if he was always this friend... instead of my ex lover...
i truly believed i would finally see him again, just to see him, even as just a friend... but maybe opining myself to that opportunity makes me vulnerable to the pains of disappointment and getting hurt, yet again... im always putting my damn heart on the line for temporary and not-even-satisfying joys... where is shawn when i need him? i refuse to call him back... if he's gonna act like that- i say let him! its just, i want to have him next to me or talking to me so he can make me laugh... he's so good at making me forget about almost anything... i need to see him... or who knows what i'll do...
this heart of mine was broken at 9:45:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, April 22, 2002
Dear heart,
so wait... is this weekend canceled? will mr irritating be sick till then? "he's so contagious, he turns my pages, he's got me anxious, he's what im waiting for"... i just LOVE that song... damn my playlist...
[[ song for someone special ]]
It took me by surprise
When I saw you standing there
Close enough to touch
Breathing the same air
You asked me how I've been
I guess that's when I smiled and said just fine
Oh but baby, I was lying
What I really meant to say
Is I'm dying here inside
And I miss you more each day
There's not a night I haven't cried
And baby here's the truth
I'm still in love with you,
That's what I really meant to say
And as you walked away
The echo of my words
Cut just like a knife
Cut so deep it hurt
I held back the tears
Held onto my pride
And watched you go
I wonder if you'll ever know
What I really meant to say
Is I'm dying here inside
And I miss more each day
There's not a night I haven't cried
And baby here's the truth
I'm still in love with you
What I really meant to say
is I'm really not that strong
No matter how I try
I'm still holdin' on
And here's the honest truth
I'm still in love with you
Yeah, that's what I really meant to say
(what i really meant to say- cyndi thomson)
its kinda sad thinking im a backup now... and how i honestly thought he just missed me... thas why he wanted us to see each other tomorrow... but i guess not... i was just a "what if" just in case she cant go out... nice... i feel SO much better, hun... THANKS! see how it feels if i ever did something like that... but im not like that so i guess he'll never know... if he does see the girl, i bet he'll kiss her finally... and indulge in her stupid little suggestive comments... UGH! but i dont care... *pouts* im going to bed... i feel icky now... must bother and wake sumone to make me feel better...
so wait... is this weekend canceled? will mr irritating be sick till then? "he's so contagious, he turns my pages, he's got me anxious, he's what im waiting for"... i just LOVE that song... damn my playlist...
[[ song for someone special ]]
It took me by surprise
When I saw you standing there
Close enough to touch
Breathing the same air
You asked me how I've been
I guess that's when I smiled and said just fine
Oh but baby, I was lying
What I really meant to say
Is I'm dying here inside
And I miss you more each day
There's not a night I haven't cried
And baby here's the truth
I'm still in love with you,
That's what I really meant to say
And as you walked away
The echo of my words
Cut just like a knife
Cut so deep it hurt
I held back the tears
Held onto my pride
And watched you go
I wonder if you'll ever know
What I really meant to say
Is I'm dying here inside
And I miss more each day
There's not a night I haven't cried
And baby here's the truth
I'm still in love with you
What I really meant to say
is I'm really not that strong
No matter how I try
I'm still holdin' on
And here's the honest truth
I'm still in love with you
Yeah, that's what I really meant to say
(what i really meant to say- cyndi thomson)
its kinda sad thinking im a backup now... and how i honestly thought he just missed me... thas why he wanted us to see each other tomorrow... but i guess not... i was just a "what if" just in case she cant go out... nice... i feel SO much better, hun... THANKS! see how it feels if i ever did something like that... but im not like that so i guess he'll never know... if he does see the girl, i bet he'll kiss her finally... and indulge in her stupid little suggestive comments... UGH! but i dont care... *pouts* im going to bed... i feel icky now... must bother and wake sumone to make me feel better...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:35:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear Heart,
i kinda wanted to see him tomorrow... but if he's seeing his little girlfriend then just forget it... i wouldn't be able to handle that anyway... he's probably fallen for her already... he just doesnt have the heart to tell me... maybe he's kissed her too or held her hand and touched her face lovingly... maybe he's scared im gonna do the same if i find out... haha cuz i will... im trying to not get too attached anymore... adrian and he said shawn could be an asshole... well all guys are, so whats new?
oh today... when i got to school, all my friends wanted to know who my "new bf" was... im like, "you mean, my FRIEND!" they kept teasing me and was the topic of discussion today... they think he's "cute" and "fine" or whatever... i was thinking, "i wouldnt be going out with him if he WASNT!" or at least slightly attractive... personally, i dont see him being THAT good looking... he's just shawn... i wanna be in the car with him again... with the stupid shyly look and turn away game... and the first few minutes we are just smiling... until he breaks the silence with some dumb joke that he finds funny... and i only laugh along after hearing him laugh...
i really must stop all this foolishness... this liking business... its just not a good idea... seriously... especially with someone like him... im WAY smarter than that... its like a foreshadowed heartbreak... wasnt this exactly what i didnt want cuz this is where it got me... stuck with empty memories, broken promises, useless tears, painful mornings, and excrutiating solitude... what happened to that "bah! guys? who needs 'em" attitude... why has he broken every wall ive put up... discovered every key to my locks... i really hate you for that, you know... : )
i kinda wanted to see him tomorrow... but if he's seeing his little girlfriend then just forget it... i wouldn't be able to handle that anyway... he's probably fallen for her already... he just doesnt have the heart to tell me... maybe he's kissed her too or held her hand and touched her face lovingly... maybe he's scared im gonna do the same if i find out... haha cuz i will... im trying to not get too attached anymore... adrian and he said shawn could be an asshole... well all guys are, so whats new?
oh today... when i got to school, all my friends wanted to know who my "new bf" was... im like, "you mean, my FRIEND!" they kept teasing me and was the topic of discussion today... they think he's "cute" and "fine" or whatever... i was thinking, "i wouldnt be going out with him if he WASNT!" or at least slightly attractive... personally, i dont see him being THAT good looking... he's just shawn... i wanna be in the car with him again... with the stupid shyly look and turn away game... and the first few minutes we are just smiling... until he breaks the silence with some dumb joke that he finds funny... and i only laugh along after hearing him laugh...
i really must stop all this foolishness... this liking business... its just not a good idea... seriously... especially with someone like him... im WAY smarter than that... its like a foreshadowed heartbreak... wasnt this exactly what i didnt want cuz this is where it got me... stuck with empty memories, broken promises, useless tears, painful mornings, and excrutiating solitude... what happened to that "bah! guys? who needs 'em" attitude... why has he broken every wall ive put up... discovered every key to my locks... i really hate you for that, you know... : )
this heart of mine was broken at 11:34:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i finally found a prom date... yesss... not a big deal anymore... and no its not anyone i really wanted to go with... *sigh* shawn is acting up today... but his twin adrian actually complimented me... we were talking about if my sister looked like me or not... and whether or not she would get with older guys and take my boyfriends... "if she's pretty like you then... she will" awww...
anyway shawn calls me like 5 times while im in school... and its like "uh... im at SCHOOL, dear!" but when i called him before i got to work, he was acting weird... i dont know what it is... and then stan leaves this weird message about caring about me a lot and that if he could choose anyone in this world, he'd want to be with me... and im thinking "you hardly know me. we havent went out yet. you dont even know my last name. how can u say that?" *shakes head*
im just so confused... "i dont feel good"... i thought he was lying at first but pati told me otherwise... the poor guy is sick... and i had the nerve to say witchy things and accuse him of not wanting to go out this weekend... is he just acting aloof? maybe he doesnt like me anymore... see! its my fault ive gotten so deep in this feelings sh*t... who cares if he has the softest hands ive ever touched... or the most hilarious laugh ive ever heard... or an endearing "muah" over the phone... or a smile i must turn away from in fear of turning to stone...
i finally found a prom date... yesss... not a big deal anymore... and no its not anyone i really wanted to go with... *sigh* shawn is acting up today... but his twin adrian actually complimented me... we were talking about if my sister looked like me or not... and whether or not she would get with older guys and take my boyfriends... "if she's pretty like you then... she will" awww...
anyway shawn calls me like 5 times while im in school... and its like "uh... im at SCHOOL, dear!" but when i called him before i got to work, he was acting weird... i dont know what it is... and then stan leaves this weird message about caring about me a lot and that if he could choose anyone in this world, he'd want to be with me... and im thinking "you hardly know me. we havent went out yet. you dont even know my last name. how can u say that?" *shakes head*
im just so confused... "i dont feel good"... i thought he was lying at first but pati told me otherwise... the poor guy is sick... and i had the nerve to say witchy things and accuse him of not wanting to go out this weekend... is he just acting aloof? maybe he doesnt like me anymore... see! its my fault ive gotten so deep in this feelings sh*t... who cares if he has the softest hands ive ever touched... or the most hilarious laugh ive ever heard... or an endearing "muah" over the phone... or a smile i must turn away from in fear of turning to stone...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:17:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, April 21, 2002
Dear heart,
I NEED A F*CKING PROM DATE!
i asked shawn... and like i knew he would, he laughed! my GOD! it started out like that...
[[ lesson #1 of how NOT to ask someone to prom ]]
mr i: you really want to go with me?
me: no! f*ck! whatever
mr i: *laughs* ok i'll go
me: forget it. i dont want to go with you
mr i: what the hell? ok...
me: ok. anyway
mr i: no really. i'll go. tell me when it is.
me: no really. i dont want to go with you. so just forget it
mr i: fine! act like a itch
me: say it, you f*cking coward!
mr i: *laughs* pink lunatik... when is it?
me: i dont need you to go with me. so it doesnt matter
mr i: be like that then. you can ask your ex boyfriend
me: i did.
mr i: what the hell? so im like second choice?
me: ugh! no ure not.
mr i: i get it now. he turns you down so you ask me
me: dammit shawn! just f*cking forget it, ok?!
mr i: fine i forgot already.
so yes... it ended just so... i'll just ask stan... all my friends will love him cuz he's social and very fine... but dammit i wont... i wanted to go with someone i liked... so whats a girl to do...? haha i'll ask chad... ive planned prom since i first met him... haha! too bad he looks nasty with his hair...oh i dont know... why must guys be so damn difficult? someone explain that to me... i BEG of you...
PS
must kill evil creature... must kill the damn thing that's giving me warm fuzzy feelings inside about someone incredibly NOT worth it... i know... if next time i see him, he kisses me- its bait and hook all the way... DAMMIT! he's poisoning me! i dont wanna feel like this anymore, shawn... how do i make it go away? why are you doing this to me? and im scared about how you feel... cuz if you dont feel the same, i'd die! and if you do, i'd go crazy! sometimes i wish we never went out... but i dont know how i woulda remained sane and "ok" with hearing his stories about his new lover without you... cuz you make me forget it hurts...
I NEED A F*CKING PROM DATE!
i asked shawn... and like i knew he would, he laughed! my GOD! it started out like that...
[[ lesson #1 of how NOT to ask someone to prom ]]
mr i: you really want to go with me?
me: no! f*ck! whatever
mr i: *laughs* ok i'll go
me: forget it. i dont want to go with you
mr i: what the hell? ok...
me: ok. anyway
mr i: no really. i'll go. tell me when it is.
me: no really. i dont want to go with you. so just forget it
mr i: fine! act like a itch
me: say it, you f*cking coward!
mr i: *laughs* pink lunatik... when is it?
me: i dont need you to go with me. so it doesnt matter
mr i: be like that then. you can ask your ex boyfriend
me: i did.
mr i: what the hell? so im like second choice?
me: ugh! no ure not.
mr i: i get it now. he turns you down so you ask me
me: dammit shawn! just f*cking forget it, ok?!
mr i: fine i forgot already.
so yes... it ended just so... i'll just ask stan... all my friends will love him cuz he's social and very fine... but dammit i wont... i wanted to go with someone i liked... so whats a girl to do...? haha i'll ask chad... ive planned prom since i first met him... haha! too bad he looks nasty with his hair...oh i dont know... why must guys be so damn difficult? someone explain that to me... i BEG of you...
PS
must kill evil creature... must kill the damn thing that's giving me warm fuzzy feelings inside about someone incredibly NOT worth it... i know... if next time i see him, he kisses me- its bait and hook all the way... DAMMIT! he's poisoning me! i dont wanna feel like this anymore, shawn... how do i make it go away? why are you doing this to me? and im scared about how you feel... cuz if you dont feel the same, i'd die! and if you do, i'd go crazy! sometimes i wish we never went out... but i dont know how i woulda remained sane and "ok" with hearing his stories about his new lover without you... cuz you make me forget it hurts...
this heart of mine was broken at 10:37:00 PM
1 people tried to mend this shattered heart
1 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i wish i knew what he was thinking... even a brief glimpse of what goes in his little head... does he seriously feel nothing for me like how he acts...? im getting really good with acting like he doesnt affect me anymore... but really its hard... its worse with your dad thinking you are still going out... i cant really break the news to him for some reason... dad liked him... and mom keeps telling me what a cute couple we were and how perfect we were together... its like "uh... ok"... she keeps insisting on what a great guy he was and how he doesnt understand why we couldnt work it out this time... she even knows the whole situation about what we both did... but she still belives that... mom, maybe we just didnt want to anymore... just so tired of working it out and then going back to wherever our problem started except it gets even worse... so whatever...
what was the point of this? i know not... but stan just called and he really "cares about me" and wants to go out next weekend... oh MY god... didnt i just tell him that i couldn't? guys need to learn how to listen... he's so damn persistent like "what's going on between the two of us? i know you feel it too"... geez... if he only knew...
shawn likes to bite his skin and not his nails... ew... thats just like me! haha i saw him do that in the car and i asked.... how odd of him... but yeah... i think we're all good now... we talked... nothing has changed... praise the lawd!
i wish i knew what he was thinking... even a brief glimpse of what goes in his little head... does he seriously feel nothing for me like how he acts...? im getting really good with acting like he doesnt affect me anymore... but really its hard... its worse with your dad thinking you are still going out... i cant really break the news to him for some reason... dad liked him... and mom keeps telling me what a cute couple we were and how perfect we were together... its like "uh... ok"... she keeps insisting on what a great guy he was and how he doesnt understand why we couldnt work it out this time... she even knows the whole situation about what we both did... but she still belives that... mom, maybe we just didnt want to anymore... just so tired of working it out and then going back to wherever our problem started except it gets even worse... so whatever...
what was the point of this? i know not... but stan just called and he really "cares about me" and wants to go out next weekend... oh MY god... didnt i just tell him that i couldn't? guys need to learn how to listen... he's so damn persistent like "what's going on between the two of us? i know you feel it too"... geez... if he only knew...
shawn likes to bite his skin and not his nails... ew... thats just like me! haha i saw him do that in the car and i asked.... how odd of him... but yeah... i think we're all good now... we talked... nothing has changed... praise the lawd!
this heart of mine was broken at 9:06:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
im scared... everything is starting to go wrong... shawn is getting weird now... nooo... why is he being stupid? why is he ruining everything? need to distance myself from all this... but little does he know that i told stan today i might not be able to go out after all... cuz of him... all for him... and now... *shakes head*
im scared... everything is starting to go wrong... shawn is getting weird now... nooo... why is he being stupid? why is he ruining everything? need to distance myself from all this... but little does he know that i told stan today i might not be able to go out after all... cuz of him... all for him... and now... *shakes head*
this heart of mine was broken at 7:40:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
bruises are going away so thats a nice start of my day... im just sitting here looking through my album and looking at shawn's picture... and i cant stop thiking about him laughing at random things on the road... then he like stares at me forever searching for approval or an insult to see if i was paying attention or not... i just shake my little head, roll my eyes, and look away... and i could feel his smile but i dare not turn to him... or i might be forced to smile... that might give it all away... every secret my heart holds, every emotion buried deep... but in truth, he makes me feel all stupid and girly inside...
im hungry but i dare not leave the comfort of my own room... im too damn lazy... and he might call... ew! have i been reduced to that? im actually staying by the phone waiting for his dumb call... what am i doing? ima take a shower... we might find a way to hang out today...
[[ conversations with my heart ]]
heart: stop thinking about him!! what's wrong with you?
me: im seriously trying so shut up!
heart: you know better than to get too involved emotionally this early...
me: yeah, yeah, yeah
heart: he's such an asshole! how can you like him this much?
me: you and i both know he really isn't like that... he just really got to me... i dont know
heart: of COURSE you know... is it cuz he's attractive? unattainable? landon carter?
me: hahaha... all of the above... EXACTLY what i was thinking... it's also cuz he makes me feel special... and since he has a handicap where he has trouble with giving compliments or being romantic... then i need not worry with him wooing some other girl but me...
heart: that's a good point. but im just saying dont invest too much on this... just in case, you know?
me: i know. i'll try. but i cant help it. seriously
heart: i know that too well. but please dont let anyone break me again. ive barely just begun to put the pieces together...
me: i promise... i won't let anyone hurt you anymore
bruises are going away so thats a nice start of my day... im just sitting here looking through my album and looking at shawn's picture... and i cant stop thiking about him laughing at random things on the road... then he like stares at me forever searching for approval or an insult to see if i was paying attention or not... i just shake my little head, roll my eyes, and look away... and i could feel his smile but i dare not turn to him... or i might be forced to smile... that might give it all away... every secret my heart holds, every emotion buried deep... but in truth, he makes me feel all stupid and girly inside...
im hungry but i dare not leave the comfort of my own room... im too damn lazy... and he might call... ew! have i been reduced to that? im actually staying by the phone waiting for his dumb call... what am i doing? ima take a shower... we might find a way to hang out today...
[[ conversations with my heart ]]
heart: stop thinking about him!! what's wrong with you?
me: im seriously trying so shut up!
heart: you know better than to get too involved emotionally this early...
me: yeah, yeah, yeah
heart: he's such an asshole! how can you like him this much?
me: you and i both know he really isn't like that... he just really got to me... i dont know
heart: of COURSE you know... is it cuz he's attractive? unattainable? landon carter?
me: hahaha... all of the above... EXACTLY what i was thinking... it's also cuz he makes me feel special... and since he has a handicap where he has trouble with giving compliments or being romantic... then i need not worry with him wooing some other girl but me...
heart: that's a good point. but im just saying dont invest too much on this... just in case, you know?
me: i know. i'll try. but i cant help it. seriously
heart: i know that too well. but please dont let anyone break me again. ive barely just begun to put the pieces together...
me: i promise... i won't let anyone hurt you anymore
this heart of mine was broken at 11:16:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
its funny cuz he's "out" with friends... but pati says they are right outside... they are just being stupid and laughing for no reason... and she can hear shawn laughing like a hyena... we're exchanging laugh stories... its hilarious trying to mock him
and she was wondering why he got off work at 3:30 instead of 5 on friday... it was cuz of me... he didnt even hafto... that was nice of him... i wasnt even planning on seeing him really... but im glad i did... i think my feelings are going too fast... must slow down... before i scare everything, including myself away... but i dont think he wants me to... *sigh he's so weird... he calls... says muah then hangs up... im guessing he wants to kiss me... haha ok im gonna give up my pride and call him now
its funny cuz he's "out" with friends... but pati says they are right outside... they are just being stupid and laughing for no reason... and she can hear shawn laughing like a hyena... we're exchanging laugh stories... its hilarious trying to mock him
and she was wondering why he got off work at 3:30 instead of 5 on friday... it was cuz of me... he didnt even hafto... that was nice of him... i wasnt even planning on seeing him really... but im glad i did... i think my feelings are going too fast... must slow down... before i scare everything, including myself away... but i dont think he wants me to... *sigh he's so weird... he calls... says muah then hangs up... im guessing he wants to kiss me... haha ok im gonna give up my pride and call him now
this heart of mine was broken at 1:23:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
thank god, thank god! he wasnt smoking out... he was out with his sister pati and his friends at downtown disney... ive never ever been there with a boy... hehe... must go to downtown disney... he was irritating when he called... but... what can i do? im just complaining about him to pati... and i can hear him in the background screaming "tell her to call me" or "what's she saying about me" or "tell her i wanna kiss her"... so yeah... i just mutter "he's gay"...
but yeah... he's out with his friends and he was acting stupid... pati told me some girls were checking him out there... ew... get away stupid whores... his response: "uh... ok! and like i was even looking at them"... so im not worried...she says he really likes me... and when i call him, he gets all happy or whatver... aint that sumthing? she says he hates telling or showing how he feels... but with me its different... cuz he acts all giddy yet he's NEVER showed this much excitement over a dumb girl... and he doesnt even check out girls anymore... he's like focused now or whatever... i dont know what to think... im just happy...
i remember he kept apologizing for burping... "it smells like armenian food"... yeah he swears i know what that smells like... and he's a guy for goodness sakes... why does he care? he told me he was gonna take me to eat armenaian food soon... hehe im excited... i think he's more culturaly aware armenian-wise... but he told me he was marrying a filipina girl... he likes filipina girls... he doesnt look half armo/flip... my friends say he looks white... he's just shawn... *shrug...
he's out again... but he's coming back early for me... *yawn... too bad im getting tired...
[[ book suggestion of the day ]]
sirena by donna jo napoli
[[ relieving thought of the day ]]
4-20 is FINALLY over... no need to worry about people we care about anymore.. and that is all
thank god, thank god! he wasnt smoking out... he was out with his sister pati and his friends at downtown disney... ive never ever been there with a boy... hehe... must go to downtown disney... he was irritating when he called... but... what can i do? im just complaining about him to pati... and i can hear him in the background screaming "tell her to call me" or "what's she saying about me" or "tell her i wanna kiss her"... so yeah... i just mutter "he's gay"...
but yeah... he's out with his friends and he was acting stupid... pati told me some girls were checking him out there... ew... get away stupid whores... his response: "uh... ok! and like i was even looking at them"... so im not worried...she says he really likes me... and when i call him, he gets all happy or whatver... aint that sumthing? she says he hates telling or showing how he feels... but with me its different... cuz he acts all giddy yet he's NEVER showed this much excitement over a dumb girl... and he doesnt even check out girls anymore... he's like focused now or whatever... i dont know what to think... im just happy...
i remember he kept apologizing for burping... "it smells like armenian food"... yeah he swears i know what that smells like... and he's a guy for goodness sakes... why does he care? he told me he was gonna take me to eat armenaian food soon... hehe im excited... i think he's more culturaly aware armenian-wise... but he told me he was marrying a filipina girl... he likes filipina girls... he doesnt look half armo/flip... my friends say he looks white... he's just shawn... *shrug...
he's out again... but he's coming back early for me... *yawn... too bad im getting tired...
[[ book suggestion of the day ]]
sirena by donna jo napoli
[[ relieving thought of the day ]]
4-20 is FINALLY over... no need to worry about people we care about anymore.. and that is all
this heart of mine was broken at 12:48:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, April 20, 2002
Dear heart,
im upset kind of... i couldnt go to that dance cuz my dad was being gay... he says i go out too much... oh MY god... i work like monday thru thursday... the only damn time i can actually have fun is on the weekend... and they deny me that very time where i can be free...
as of now, shawn is MIA... i have some paranoia that he is smoking out... man... that makes me even sadder... and pj went cuz i told him i'd be there... and now i cant... ugh! frustrating day...
im upset kind of... i couldnt go to that dance cuz my dad was being gay... he says i go out too much... oh MY god... i work like monday thru thursday... the only damn time i can actually have fun is on the weekend... and they deny me that very time where i can be free...
as of now, shawn is MIA... i have some paranoia that he is smoking out... man... that makes me even sadder... and pj went cuz i told him i'd be there... and now i cant... ugh! frustrating day...
this heart of mine was broken at 10:03:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
ok its all good again... shawn calls me baby now... "you gotta go, baby?" heeheehee... he's become nicer... like significantly this past hour... oh thank god... he still mocks me and stuff while being followed by that hideous laughter... but i seriously think thats the best part about him... and i cant stop thinking about his smile... the one he gives me while he laughs... and the way he says my name... cuz sometimes i just wont talk to him when im mad... and im right there so i cant just hang up on him... he nudges me and says my name softly... then "you want to hang up on me right now, huh?" and i just smile... stupidity is so endearing! haha... maybe its only him... cuz i find stupid people very, well, stupid! and i cant stand them... i know i cant stand shawn sometimes, but i just laugh and argue with him forever... and hours pass by so quickly... like we swear only a minute has passed but its been an hour...
uh oh... wait... its 4.20... does he smoke weed? i know he doesnt smoke cigarettes and he used to drink... but he did go out with his friends... and he wasnt answering his calls... NOOO! please god, dont let him smoke out... i SO loathe that... and i dont want him doing anything particularly stupid tonight...
damn! i cant see him till next weekend... aahhhh! like he always wants to see me but i have work... he goes to school early in the am and then goes to work until 5... so damn! we squeeze by lunch and after school time to talk... oh i was all "you only come see me cuz u think im pathetic and heartbroken." then he answers with "oh yeah. thats it. i drive for half an hour out of pity. why cant you just accept that i like you? shit..." so that settles it... he's so damn affectionate too... like when we were ordering at in and out, he was holding me and like keeping me warm cuz the wind was so cold and strong... and i didnt even ask him to... he just says, "come here." i shake my head. "come HERE!" i laugh at him and shake my head... so he pulls me towards him and hugs me all tight... i hate how much that makes me happy...
[[ lesson of the day ]]
[[ song of the moment ]]
something in the way
he never looks my way
im in love, im in love
something in the way
he doesn't hear a word I say
im in love, im in love
but people say we're not the same
he's out of my league
im insane
am I wasting my life waiting for you, is it true?
am I wasting my life on you
so tell me it's not true
something in the way
he looked at me today
im in love, im in love
something in the way
he says for me to get away
im in love, im in love
but people say we're not the same
he's out of my league
im insane
am I wasting my life waiting for you, is it true?
am I wasting my life on you
so tell me it's not true
(wasting my life- the hippos)
ok its all good again... shawn calls me baby now... "you gotta go, baby?" heeheehee... he's become nicer... like significantly this past hour... oh thank god... he still mocks me and stuff while being followed by that hideous laughter... but i seriously think thats the best part about him... and i cant stop thinking about his smile... the one he gives me while he laughs... and the way he says my name... cuz sometimes i just wont talk to him when im mad... and im right there so i cant just hang up on him... he nudges me and says my name softly... then "you want to hang up on me right now, huh?" and i just smile... stupidity is so endearing! haha... maybe its only him... cuz i find stupid people very, well, stupid! and i cant stand them... i know i cant stand shawn sometimes, but i just laugh and argue with him forever... and hours pass by so quickly... like we swear only a minute has passed but its been an hour...
uh oh... wait... its 4.20... does he smoke weed? i know he doesnt smoke cigarettes and he used to drink... but he did go out with his friends... and he wasnt answering his calls... NOOO! please god, dont let him smoke out... i SO loathe that... and i dont want him doing anything particularly stupid tonight...
damn! i cant see him till next weekend... aahhhh! like he always wants to see me but i have work... he goes to school early in the am and then goes to work until 5... so damn! we squeeze by lunch and after school time to talk... oh i was all "you only come see me cuz u think im pathetic and heartbroken." then he answers with "oh yeah. thats it. i drive for half an hour out of pity. why cant you just accept that i like you? shit..." so that settles it... he's so damn affectionate too... like when we were ordering at in and out, he was holding me and like keeping me warm cuz the wind was so cold and strong... and i didnt even ask him to... he just says, "come here." i shake my head. "come HERE!" i laugh at him and shake my head... so he pulls me towards him and hugs me all tight... i hate how much that makes me happy...
[[ lesson of the day ]]
[[ song of the moment ]]
something in the way
he never looks my way
im in love, im in love
something in the way
he doesn't hear a word I say
im in love, im in love
but people say we're not the same
he's out of my league
im insane
am I wasting my life waiting for you, is it true?
am I wasting my life on you
so tell me it's not true
something in the way
he looked at me today
im in love, im in love
something in the way
he says for me to get away
im in love, im in love
but people say we're not the same
he's out of my league
im insane
am I wasting my life waiting for you, is it true?
am I wasting my life on you
so tell me it's not true
(wasting my life- the hippos)
this heart of mine was broken at 3:46:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
ew! shawn is pissing me off! like i was explaining to tina why i liked his laugh so much so we three-wyaed him so she could hear it... so we were being sarcastic and yelling as usual... but then it got to the point when it was just way too annoying... so i hung up on him and he didnt even call me back... ew! and i hope he doesnt think im gonna give up my fudging pride just to talk to his stupid ass...
oh but i like him!!! i just cant help it anymore... he even wanted to see me next friday... but him acting like a dumbass doesnt help... maybe he's mad cuz last night he's all "gimme a kiss" over the phone... and i was like no! but i was just being annoying... i didnt mean it... and he might now the intensity and depth my stupid feelings have went... so i didnt want that... its funny cuz even though i act like i hate him, its so far from that... i just smile at the thought of him... or hear his name... or see his number on my phone... what a stupid idiot!! ugh! call me back!!!
ew! shawn is pissing me off! like i was explaining to tina why i liked his laugh so much so we three-wyaed him so she could hear it... so we were being sarcastic and yelling as usual... but then it got to the point when it was just way too annoying... so i hung up on him and he didnt even call me back... ew! and i hope he doesnt think im gonna give up my fudging pride just to talk to his stupid ass...
oh but i like him!!! i just cant help it anymore... he even wanted to see me next friday... but him acting like a dumbass doesnt help... maybe he's mad cuz last night he's all "gimme a kiss" over the phone... and i was like no! but i was just being annoying... i didnt mean it... and he might now the intensity and depth my stupid feelings have went... so i didnt want that... its funny cuz even though i act like i hate him, its so far from that... i just smile at the thought of him... or hear his name... or see his number on my phone... what a stupid idiot!! ugh! call me back!!!
this heart of mine was broken at 3:37:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
[[ advice for the insomniac ]]
dont get coffee when its practically 9:30 when you're expecting to sleep at least a wink for the night and look decent in the morning...
i keep laughing... i think im going insane... shawn has this immensly irritating laugh... and it makes me laugh everytime i hear it... and his face when he smiles... yeah he tries to put that "hardcore" face but he's actually very friendly... he said hi to all my friends... even fellow honors elitists... i think we're starting to care if the other person is talking to someone... like he thought i was going out with someone in particular...
mr irritating: so are you going out with me or some other guys?
me: im just dating around
mr i: uh... OK! what the hell is that supposed to mean?
me: excuse me. did u just cuss at me?
mr i: *laughs histerically* you're cute when you get mad
me: *smiling inside* you're just annoying when i get mad
mr i: fine whatever. hang up on me.
me: yeah i wish! (too bad he's sitting next to me)
mr i: come on, joanne. are you?
me: i told you, retard. im just going out with ppl... nothing serious
mr i: fine. do whatever you want (um...)
me: ok...
mr i: well i guess this is the last time we're gonna see each other (empty threats... i giggle softly to myself)
me: you are SO stupid... *rolls eyes* fine! do i care?
mr. i: *laughs histerically (again)* you're mad again!
me: no *starts laughing too* what about you? who are u trying to pimp or whatever. well i guess a lot of girls... i need to ask pati
mr i: ok stop talking to yourself. im only going out with you but not anymore.
me: ok whatever.
mr i: *laughs again* my GOD!
me: *turns face away*
then he hugs me... the weirdo hugs me like its not even funny... and i cant help but smile... what is WRONG with him? hahahaa... i think his stupid sense of humor is rubbing off... where he laughs at EVERYTHING... and wen i start getting jealous and start going off in a tangent, he says "ok... stop talking to yourself again"... haha i didnt get it at first... but yeah... im still unsure of its meaning but i think it means like i dont even listen for his answer, rather i think of all these awful scenarios that i take from experience...
i think he's rubbing off on me... wait- did i mention this beforee? like he calls- i swear like every 5 minutes... and i always answer with "what?" hahaha... and then he gets all mad... tries to mock me with my "fine whatever"s or "fine i'll just hang up"s or "nevermind BYE!"s... and wen he threatens that, i hang up and he calls me within seconds... its fun... i get a kick outta being bothered by him...
yess... first yawn has finally emerged signaling my body to sleep.... sweet dreams, ya'll... love yous!
[[ advice for the insomniac ]]
dont get coffee when its practically 9:30 when you're expecting to sleep at least a wink for the night and look decent in the morning...
i keep laughing... i think im going insane... shawn has this immensly irritating laugh... and it makes me laugh everytime i hear it... and his face when he smiles... yeah he tries to put that "hardcore" face but he's actually very friendly... he said hi to all my friends... even fellow honors elitists... i think we're starting to care if the other person is talking to someone... like he thought i was going out with someone in particular...
mr irritating: so are you going out with me or some other guys?
me: im just dating around
mr i: uh... OK! what the hell is that supposed to mean?
me: excuse me. did u just cuss at me?
mr i: *laughs histerically* you're cute when you get mad
me: *smiling inside* you're just annoying when i get mad
mr i: fine whatever. hang up on me.
me: yeah i wish! (too bad he's sitting next to me)
mr i: come on, joanne. are you?
me: i told you, retard. im just going out with ppl... nothing serious
mr i: fine. do whatever you want (um...)
me: ok...
mr i: well i guess this is the last time we're gonna see each other (empty threats... i giggle softly to myself)
me: you are SO stupid... *rolls eyes* fine! do i care?
mr. i: *laughs histerically (again)* you're mad again!
me: no *starts laughing too* what about you? who are u trying to pimp or whatever. well i guess a lot of girls... i need to ask pati
mr i: ok stop talking to yourself. im only going out with you but not anymore.
me: ok whatever.
mr i: *laughs again* my GOD!
me: *turns face away*
then he hugs me... the weirdo hugs me like its not even funny... and i cant help but smile... what is WRONG with him? hahahaa... i think his stupid sense of humor is rubbing off... where he laughs at EVERYTHING... and wen i start getting jealous and start going off in a tangent, he says "ok... stop talking to yourself again"... haha i didnt get it at first... but yeah... im still unsure of its meaning but i think it means like i dont even listen for his answer, rather i think of all these awful scenarios that i take from experience...
i think he's rubbing off on me... wait- did i mention this beforee? like he calls- i swear like every 5 minutes... and i always answer with "what?" hahaha... and then he gets all mad... tries to mock me with my "fine whatever"s or "fine i'll just hang up"s or "nevermind BYE!"s... and wen he threatens that, i hang up and he calls me within seconds... its fun... i get a kick outta being bothered by him...
yess... first yawn has finally emerged signaling my body to sleep.... sweet dreams, ya'll... love yous!
this heart of mine was broken at 1:38:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
just got done watching this awesome, yet highly intellectually stimulating movie called donnie darco... its so GOOD! i was depressed in the morning cuz of all the drama last night... but i still went to fashion show... and i had so much fun... we saw pj there!! and he kept tapping me and all that... hehe... shawn was with me and pj kept holding my hand to see wut he'd say... i actually saw a nice side of shawn... *smile* but basically it was fun... everyone looked gorgeous... im excited cuz i have a dance tomorrow and pj might be there too... he's just fun...
i didnt realize shawn liked me in that way... well, i did but he acts so aloof that sumtimes i dunno... its like he doesnt care... but he was the one to listen to my pathetic crying last night... even if he was eating at denny's with his friends... ew! i tried not to but i think im starting to like him... so fudge me in the pelvic girdle... i dont know where this revelation came about... just when i got home all happy... about nothing at all...
let me sleep with a smile...
[[ miracle of tomorrow ]]
dreaming of a million smiles... and actually take them with you when you wake up
just got done watching this awesome, yet highly intellectually stimulating movie called donnie darco... its so GOOD! i was depressed in the morning cuz of all the drama last night... but i still went to fashion show... and i had so much fun... we saw pj there!! and he kept tapping me and all that... hehe... shawn was with me and pj kept holding my hand to see wut he'd say... i actually saw a nice side of shawn... *smile* but basically it was fun... everyone looked gorgeous... im excited cuz i have a dance tomorrow and pj might be there too... he's just fun...
i didnt realize shawn liked me in that way... well, i did but he acts so aloof that sumtimes i dunno... its like he doesnt care... but he was the one to listen to my pathetic crying last night... even if he was eating at denny's with his friends... ew! i tried not to but i think im starting to like him... so fudge me in the pelvic girdle... i dont know where this revelation came about... just when i got home all happy... about nothing at all...
let me sleep with a smile...
[[ miracle of tomorrow ]]
dreaming of a million smiles... and actually take them with you when you wake up
this heart of mine was broken at 1:05:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, April 19, 2002
[[ self mantra of the day ]]
im a survivor, im not gon' GIVE up
(this is gonna bug shawn. isnt it? haha)
[[ revelation of the day ]]
society manipulates us:
guys bottle up emotions... or they arent manly
girls bottle up anger... or they wont please their men and in fear of being a nuisance
(funny how the other takes the thing they need not bottle up and take it to the extreme)
guys tend to be angry
girls tend to be WAY emotional (heeheehee)
im a survivor, im not gon' GIVE up
(this is gonna bug shawn. isnt it? haha)
[[ revelation of the day ]]
society manipulates us:
guys bottle up emotions... or they arent manly
girls bottle up anger... or they wont please their men and in fear of being a nuisance
(funny how the other takes the thing they need not bottle up and take it to the extreme)
guys tend to be angry
girls tend to be WAY emotional (heeheehee)
this heart of mine was broken at 7:21:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
ok, about that apology... its funny how i mentioned how much we loved each other and whatnot in my entree yesterday... and i argued with my readers that it was love... that i really meant something... but yet again i am wrong... he didnt love me at all... how ironic to see things in the light when i was constantly forced into the darkness... no wonder he didnt want me to talk to her... NO WONDER! because you know in between our little fights, he still went out with other girls... and although he told me he loved me and thats not what our temporary break ups were all about, he still went out with the one person who totally changed us... and no, i do not blame you... i dont even know exactly what you two did, nor do i care...
im sorry to have believed that he loved me for this long... that he loved me at all... i wanna say sorry to me for telling myself that for so long... and convincing myself to trust his lies... when deep down i knew what was up... im sorry for all those friends that i have been hostile to when they tried to convince me how much he didnt love me... i know i refused to believe it, who wants to hear such a thing anyway? but you were right... who cares what i felt... it was just me being me... loving unconditionally until it hurt just to make the stupid guy happy... he's gonna see what the hell he lost... that MY GOD i treated him like a f*cking god... and he can go out with whatever slut he wants but see how she is to him and compare it with me... and my evergoing quest to keep him smiling...
for the girl he supposedly loved a lot, he sure loved to hurt me and lie to me and cheat on me... but what more did i expect? that nifty bit of info was revealed WAY before... thanks to him... for not loving me enough after all... for not caring about me as a person to cheat on me twice... i cried every last bit of tear i had in me last night... its never coming back... and never again will i waste another tear on him... ever... he told me once that he wasnt stupid enough to do that again... hahahaha... well you know what? he was... and he just lost a friend...
thank god for allowing me to see the truth again... i know someone is watching out for me... love... BAH! this "love" will make me see what real love is in the future... and for sure i havent even met the guy yet... (haha yes even if im marrying the real estate broker)... thanks ji for opening my eyes last night... i bet he's threatening to not be your friend if you talk to me... you can or not, its your choice... i wouldnt mind much if i just forgot he existed forever... i wouldnt mind one bit...
to me:
"if you're calling about my heart, its still yours... i shouldve listened to it a little more... then it wouldn't have taken me so long, to know where i belong" (austin- blake shelton) and im finally withdrawing my heart from his evil clutches... and my heart belongs to me until i feel someone deems it worthy again...
and to him:
you know what, maybe you were telling the truth for once...
i wasn't "just anybody" to you...
i was nobody at all
ok, about that apology... its funny how i mentioned how much we loved each other and whatnot in my entree yesterday... and i argued with my readers that it was love... that i really meant something... but yet again i am wrong... he didnt love me at all... how ironic to see things in the light when i was constantly forced into the darkness... no wonder he didnt want me to talk to her... NO WONDER! because you know in between our little fights, he still went out with other girls... and although he told me he loved me and thats not what our temporary break ups were all about, he still went out with the one person who totally changed us... and no, i do not blame you... i dont even know exactly what you two did, nor do i care...
im sorry to have believed that he loved me for this long... that he loved me at all... i wanna say sorry to me for telling myself that for so long... and convincing myself to trust his lies... when deep down i knew what was up... im sorry for all those friends that i have been hostile to when they tried to convince me how much he didnt love me... i know i refused to believe it, who wants to hear such a thing anyway? but you were right... who cares what i felt... it was just me being me... loving unconditionally until it hurt just to make the stupid guy happy... he's gonna see what the hell he lost... that MY GOD i treated him like a f*cking god... and he can go out with whatever slut he wants but see how she is to him and compare it with me... and my evergoing quest to keep him smiling...
for the girl he supposedly loved a lot, he sure loved to hurt me and lie to me and cheat on me... but what more did i expect? that nifty bit of info was revealed WAY before... thanks to him... for not loving me enough after all... for not caring about me as a person to cheat on me twice... i cried every last bit of tear i had in me last night... its never coming back... and never again will i waste another tear on him... ever... he told me once that he wasnt stupid enough to do that again... hahahaha... well you know what? he was... and he just lost a friend...
thank god for allowing me to see the truth again... i know someone is watching out for me... love... BAH! this "love" will make me see what real love is in the future... and for sure i havent even met the guy yet... (haha yes even if im marrying the real estate broker)... thanks ji for opening my eyes last night... i bet he's threatening to not be your friend if you talk to me... you can or not, its your choice... i wouldnt mind much if i just forgot he existed forever... i wouldnt mind one bit...
to me:
"if you're calling about my heart, its still yours... i shouldve listened to it a little more... then it wouldn't have taken me so long, to know where i belong" (austin- blake shelton) and im finally withdrawing my heart from his evil clutches... and my heart belongs to me until i feel someone deems it worthy again...
and to him:
you know what, maybe you were telling the truth for once...
i wasn't "just anybody" to you...
i was nobody at all
this heart of mine was broken at 6:52:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i so need to apologize for many things, but first i must tell you about my dream...
NOTE: interpretations are biased.
there was this house on misery lane... and i crawled in the window... no one but this dark figure was with me... he led me into the living room...
part one :: mj was standing there with a suitcase ready to leave with me somewhere... but i knew in my heart that i didnt wanna go... so he took out a piece of toast and led me into the kitchen... "let me heat this up for you. i promise it will smell so good and you will want it..." but as the little red light lit up in the toaster i shook my head and the dark figure motioned to me... i slowly approached mj and kissed him... a passionate one but stepped back and gave him a smile... thus representing my sexuality...
(mj represented desire and sex... in these next few days i may want to rush into things physically with guys... like toast it might smell good at first... and the heat and passion only empower its affect on my taste... but i noticed the heat getting to the toast... and it stayed too long- burning it... the burnt toast reaked of heat but it no longer tasted sweet...)
part two :: then i saw this little girl in the bedroom at the end of the hall... i ran to her and hugged her... she had a problem... her hair was soaking wet... but she hated flyaways in her hair so she figured putting water on it constantly would make it go away... this represents my naive perceptions of love... and the little girl within me
(this girl was me... and all she needs is hugs... when i was gonna see him one more time, i was gonna give him that same hug... the flyaways in her hair represent problems in my love life... but im so quick to wanna make it go away that i dont see myself covering it with a temporary solution, where in the future it ends as just another problem... this water is my memory... of all the things between us... you think water is clean and pure but within it lies things you cant see... truths in memories that may lay hidden forever... i tried to squeeze it out but no matter what, there was so much water it wouldnt go away)
part three :: then i heard something steam in the kitchen... and the dark figure was still standing there so i ran to him... leaving the little girl just standing there... and i saw water boiling... it boiled so much that after it overflowed, it kept on boiling and the steam rose up until none of it was left... this represents my anger and problems that i love to botle up inside
(the water in this case is all the pain that i hide from other people... it stews inside me until one day it just all pours out... but then i try to act like nothing is wrong again... eventually it becomes steam and it doesnt help much... my problems get scattered and they are still there but i just dont think about them anymore...)
then i see this door... and i see my sister playing outside and she calls me... but i dont want to leave the house... because i cant bear to say bye to the little girl... until i turn around... and there is water on the floor, probably from the little girl trying to soak her hair again... my memories are placed in front of everyone to see and it just lies on the floor and does nothing but make me slip and fall into it again... i really have to let go of the memories... and the smell of toast is strong and i just want to turn my head away... sex is not something to be tampered with right now... i must wait and let time find me the right guy to be my next... i dont care what he does... then i see the pot but there is no water left... but its still hot and you can see all the steam droplets overhead that occasionaly kiss the pot... which makes it simmer even more than before... problems wont go away by forgeting... and no matter what i do, something will remind me... so i should put my steam in medium but work with it while im burning up... i shook my head at the awful mess i left in this house... i didnt want to stay... so i turn around... and the dark figure points to go outside but i know it cannot come with me... i turn back one last time... then i step out and close the door behind me
i so need to apologize for many things, but first i must tell you about my dream...
NOTE: interpretations are biased.
there was this house on misery lane... and i crawled in the window... no one but this dark figure was with me... he led me into the living room...
part one :: mj was standing there with a suitcase ready to leave with me somewhere... but i knew in my heart that i didnt wanna go... so he took out a piece of toast and led me into the kitchen... "let me heat this up for you. i promise it will smell so good and you will want it..." but as the little red light lit up in the toaster i shook my head and the dark figure motioned to me... i slowly approached mj and kissed him... a passionate one but stepped back and gave him a smile... thus representing my sexuality...
(mj represented desire and sex... in these next few days i may want to rush into things physically with guys... like toast it might smell good at first... and the heat and passion only empower its affect on my taste... but i noticed the heat getting to the toast... and it stayed too long- burning it... the burnt toast reaked of heat but it no longer tasted sweet...)
part two :: then i saw this little girl in the bedroom at the end of the hall... i ran to her and hugged her... she had a problem... her hair was soaking wet... but she hated flyaways in her hair so she figured putting water on it constantly would make it go away... this represents my naive perceptions of love... and the little girl within me
(this girl was me... and all she needs is hugs... when i was gonna see him one more time, i was gonna give him that same hug... the flyaways in her hair represent problems in my love life... but im so quick to wanna make it go away that i dont see myself covering it with a temporary solution, where in the future it ends as just another problem... this water is my memory... of all the things between us... you think water is clean and pure but within it lies things you cant see... truths in memories that may lay hidden forever... i tried to squeeze it out but no matter what, there was so much water it wouldnt go away)
part three :: then i heard something steam in the kitchen... and the dark figure was still standing there so i ran to him... leaving the little girl just standing there... and i saw water boiling... it boiled so much that after it overflowed, it kept on boiling and the steam rose up until none of it was left... this represents my anger and problems that i love to botle up inside
(the water in this case is all the pain that i hide from other people... it stews inside me until one day it just all pours out... but then i try to act like nothing is wrong again... eventually it becomes steam and it doesnt help much... my problems get scattered and they are still there but i just dont think about them anymore...)
then i see this door... and i see my sister playing outside and she calls me... but i dont want to leave the house... because i cant bear to say bye to the little girl... until i turn around... and there is water on the floor, probably from the little girl trying to soak her hair again... my memories are placed in front of everyone to see and it just lies on the floor and does nothing but make me slip and fall into it again... i really have to let go of the memories... and the smell of toast is strong and i just want to turn my head away... sex is not something to be tampered with right now... i must wait and let time find me the right guy to be my next... i dont care what he does... then i see the pot but there is no water left... but its still hot and you can see all the steam droplets overhead that occasionaly kiss the pot... which makes it simmer even more than before... problems wont go away by forgeting... and no matter what i do, something will remind me... so i should put my steam in medium but work with it while im burning up... i shook my head at the awful mess i left in this house... i didnt want to stay... so i turn around... and the dark figure points to go outside but i know it cannot come with me... i turn back one last time... then i step out and close the door behind me
this heart of mine was broken at 6:36:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, April 18, 2002
[[ thought of the day ]]
faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see
faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see
this heart of mine was broken at 11:04:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
conversations with him aren't so bad anymore... yeah, i still tear a little when he gives me details... but i wanna hear them... i'd rather know than leave the unknown to my imagination... and THAT is a very scary place... but we just got off the phone and i had a smile on my face... *shrug... cant blame me...
and to all those who tell me that what me and him had wasnt love... you're wrong... i know what i felt... and that was love... maybe not the one i was to hold forever but it was love... unconditional, unshaken, dependable love... i mean, it still stings when he talks about her but im not loving him any less... just because we broke up doesnt mean i have to stop loving him, does it? wait a minute... DOES IT?! well maybe not love him "in that way" anymore... just love him as he is and was... as a really awesome friend who has seen and allowed me to change this past year... the one who was there for me... who taught me lessons in life and vice versa ( i hope)... i just love him for all he meant to me as a lover and a friend...
conversations with him aren't so bad anymore... yeah, i still tear a little when he gives me details... but i wanna hear them... i'd rather know than leave the unknown to my imagination... and THAT is a very scary place... but we just got off the phone and i had a smile on my face... *shrug... cant blame me...
and to all those who tell me that what me and him had wasnt love... you're wrong... i know what i felt... and that was love... maybe not the one i was to hold forever but it was love... unconditional, unshaken, dependable love... i mean, it still stings when he talks about her but im not loving him any less... just because we broke up doesnt mean i have to stop loving him, does it? wait a minute... DOES IT?! well maybe not love him "in that way" anymore... just love him as he is and was... as a really awesome friend who has seen and allowed me to change this past year... the one who was there for me... who taught me lessons in life and vice versa ( i hope)... i just love him for all he meant to me as a lover and a friend...
this heart of mine was broken at 10:54:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
im having anxiety attacks again... i woke up and i got all panicked cuz i didnt know where i was or what i was doing there... do you think we have past lives we dream about at night... and for a second in time, we are transported there until we awaken again... we get to remember all these memories, see who we once were, and notice the difference in who you are now and who you were back then... its just ive been having dreams of frustrated women... and i step into their shoes... but they dont just let anyone tell them what to do or feel... and they MAKE things happen for themselves... they don't just sit back and let the world hurt them... they fight back... and now... look at the girl they have become... some withered child who tries to act strong but everyone can see how much she breaks inside... what happened to that woman i once was back then... the one with the sparks and the fire that lies within her... who won't take no for answer but an initaitve to push harder... or shrug off any amount of pain people grant her because she's better than that... she knows she deserves better and she can just accept things instead of having to pretend everything is ok when it's not...
maybe i never really was that girl in a past life... but i can feel that woman hiding within myself... she is in there somewhere, waiting to come out... i still need to get over all my insecurities and self doubt for her to come out... to break down that barrier towards the path i could take to be this strong girl... its just hard when it comes to love... its my only weakness... its the same for everyone, i guess... but not to the degree where it has rendered me logically handicapped... and i cant think for myself, rather you, my heart, speaks and rules over all... oh WHY can't you just go away? why do i need this heart? its easily broken and makes me prone to pain... but yet, my heart is the only thing that understands the point of every tear, the reason in every sleepless night... heart, you know all my secret joys and sorrows... that most people will never see... that i don't even wanna see sumtimes... but in reality, you're all i've got... and i gotta learn to take care of you... and won't let the careless handle you... but please remember, i need to be taken care of too... i cant do this by myself...
im having anxiety attacks again... i woke up and i got all panicked cuz i didnt know where i was or what i was doing there... do you think we have past lives we dream about at night... and for a second in time, we are transported there until we awaken again... we get to remember all these memories, see who we once were, and notice the difference in who you are now and who you were back then... its just ive been having dreams of frustrated women... and i step into their shoes... but they dont just let anyone tell them what to do or feel... and they MAKE things happen for themselves... they don't just sit back and let the world hurt them... they fight back... and now... look at the girl they have become... some withered child who tries to act strong but everyone can see how much she breaks inside... what happened to that woman i once was back then... the one with the sparks and the fire that lies within her... who won't take no for answer but an initaitve to push harder... or shrug off any amount of pain people grant her because she's better than that... she knows she deserves better and she can just accept things instead of having to pretend everything is ok when it's not...
maybe i never really was that girl in a past life... but i can feel that woman hiding within myself... she is in there somewhere, waiting to come out... i still need to get over all my insecurities and self doubt for her to come out... to break down that barrier towards the path i could take to be this strong girl... its just hard when it comes to love... its my only weakness... its the same for everyone, i guess... but not to the degree where it has rendered me logically handicapped... and i cant think for myself, rather you, my heart, speaks and rules over all... oh WHY can't you just go away? why do i need this heart? its easily broken and makes me prone to pain... but yet, my heart is the only thing that understands the point of every tear, the reason in every sleepless night... heart, you know all my secret joys and sorrows... that most people will never see... that i don't even wanna see sumtimes... but in reality, you're all i've got... and i gotta learn to take care of you... and won't let the careless handle you... but please remember, i need to be taken care of too... i cant do this by myself...
this heart of mine was broken at 6:43:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, April 17, 2002
Dear heart,
i dont understand how such an annoying personality could be trapped in that fine ass body... adrian took off his flannel and was wearing this kinda tight shirt... my mouth just dropped open... and we have "a song" now... cuz i was humming that song "weak" by SWV... and he started singing it and we just started cracking up... then he pretends to get mad at me for putting "that gay ass song in his head"... but later on, he's all "so this is like our song now, right? cuz we both know it." i just shook my head and said "yeah"... i dont know... its the tiny things that just make my day sumtimes...
im happy i have a date to fashion show... shawn was even happy to go... im just getting a lil more unmoved by everything each day... like right now, a huge spider crawled by and i would usually leap onto my bed and stare at it for hours... until it went away or if i could slip away from my room to call my dad... but today... i just went up to it, followed the stupid bastard and smashed it with a poetry book...
i guess he is happy with his new girlfriend... and i guess that's all i really want for him... but why did a tear escape my eye when he was talking about her... why did it hurt so much to find out she made him laugh? because that was my job... each time i hit my head... oh goodness... does it matter? he's gonna love her now... and replace everything we've been through together with memories of her... and forget what i meant to him.... i know one day he'll forget he ever loved me... and how it felt to be happy being in my arms... to be excited about giving me a million kisses before he left... or that one yummy kiss before i close the car door... or how comfy he felt with his arms around my tummy... snuggling into it even though i keep laughing cuz it tickles...
need to do a project... will vent later...
i dont understand how such an annoying personality could be trapped in that fine ass body... adrian took off his flannel and was wearing this kinda tight shirt... my mouth just dropped open... and we have "a song" now... cuz i was humming that song "weak" by SWV... and he started singing it and we just started cracking up... then he pretends to get mad at me for putting "that gay ass song in his head"... but later on, he's all "so this is like our song now, right? cuz we both know it." i just shook my head and said "yeah"... i dont know... its the tiny things that just make my day sumtimes...
im happy i have a date to fashion show... shawn was even happy to go... im just getting a lil more unmoved by everything each day... like right now, a huge spider crawled by and i would usually leap onto my bed and stare at it for hours... until it went away or if i could slip away from my room to call my dad... but today... i just went up to it, followed the stupid bastard and smashed it with a poetry book...
i guess he is happy with his new girlfriend... and i guess that's all i really want for him... but why did a tear escape my eye when he was talking about her... why did it hurt so much to find out she made him laugh? because that was my job... each time i hit my head... oh goodness... does it matter? he's gonna love her now... and replace everything we've been through together with memories of her... and forget what i meant to him.... i know one day he'll forget he ever loved me... and how it felt to be happy being in my arms... to be excited about giving me a million kisses before he left... or that one yummy kiss before i close the car door... or how comfy he felt with his arms around my tummy... snuggling into it even though i keep laughing cuz it tickles...
need to do a project... will vent later...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:23:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, April 16, 2002
Dear heart,
eep! im scared... stan wants me to be his gf... im all "whaaaat?" im SO not ready... but i guess he is starting to develop feelings for me or whatever... but can he slow down a bit? my gosh... and he cant understand the fact that i JUST got out of a relationship and im not ready for another serious commitment... he doesnt get it tho... he keeps asking why... and he's so damn sure of himself that he'll make me forget about him... um, riiight! but i simply laughed softly and said "we'll see"... i didnt wanna be mean...
shawn is confusing... he acts like a total moron one minute... then telling me how long he's liked me the next... what is wrong with these people? why cant anyone be normal nowadays... why cant i be normal so i will understand... and all i wanna do sumtimes is run into "his" arms and just tell him to make them all go away... i like them and everything... but... oh i dont know... i dont even wanna say it... ANYway adrian was driving me crazy today... he has these dimples that form near his eyes when he smiles that makes his whole face light up... *sigh* i guess im going out friday... but im scared to meet his parents... im not her, ya know... i just... cant... i dunno... im scared...
why is life getting confusing? what the hell have i gotten myself into? im stressed and its like they all freaking call at the same damn time... is this what single life was like? sheesh... let me go to college already!! i need to get away from all of this bullshizzy... im serious... please, someone... give me wings... so i can fly far away from here... but the only place i'd go is to him... eep... clip em NOW!! haha im going insane... must get rest now... toodles!
eep! im scared... stan wants me to be his gf... im all "whaaaat?" im SO not ready... but i guess he is starting to develop feelings for me or whatever... but can he slow down a bit? my gosh... and he cant understand the fact that i JUST got out of a relationship and im not ready for another serious commitment... he doesnt get it tho... he keeps asking why... and he's so damn sure of himself that he'll make me forget about him... um, riiight! but i simply laughed softly and said "we'll see"... i didnt wanna be mean...
shawn is confusing... he acts like a total moron one minute... then telling me how long he's liked me the next... what is wrong with these people? why cant anyone be normal nowadays... why cant i be normal so i will understand... and all i wanna do sumtimes is run into "his" arms and just tell him to make them all go away... i like them and everything... but... oh i dont know... i dont even wanna say it... ANYway adrian was driving me crazy today... he has these dimples that form near his eyes when he smiles that makes his whole face light up... *sigh* i guess im going out friday... but im scared to meet his parents... im not her, ya know... i just... cant... i dunno... im scared...
why is life getting confusing? what the hell have i gotten myself into? im stressed and its like they all freaking call at the same damn time... is this what single life was like? sheesh... let me go to college already!! i need to get away from all of this bullshizzy... im serious... please, someone... give me wings... so i can fly far away from here... but the only place i'd go is to him... eep... clip em NOW!! haha im going insane... must get rest now... toodles!
this heart of mine was broken at 11:40:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
im having a great day so far... didnt have to go to school... i finally got my permit... and stan is starting to sound more perfect every time i talk to him... he's so damn confident... like he swears if we go out im gonna fall for him... its "a guarantee"... i giggle softly to myself... he can supposedly "read me"... yeah, right! but just every answer he has to my questions is exactly what i want to hear... and im not sure if he's bullshizzing me or not... it sounds too good to be true... but we were being extremely honest with each other... and he says we have no reason not to trust each other unless the other person gives us reason not to... and i firmly believe that... oh who knows...
im having a great day so far... didnt have to go to school... i finally got my permit... and stan is starting to sound more perfect every time i talk to him... he's so damn confident... like he swears if we go out im gonna fall for him... its "a guarantee"... i giggle softly to myself... he can supposedly "read me"... yeah, right! but just every answer he has to my questions is exactly what i want to hear... and im not sure if he's bullshizzing me or not... it sounds too good to be true... but we were being extremely honest with each other... and he says we have no reason not to trust each other unless the other person gives us reason not to... and i firmly believe that... oh who knows...
this heart of mine was broken at 2:37:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
what an incredibly smiley day im having today... nothing has gone bad... ive seen my self worth through other people's eyes... i just had a ton of fun... shopping with my mom... getting irritated by shawn... just everything... like he'd say stupid sh*t that pisses me off and i hang up on him, and he calls me right back laughing his ass off... and i just dont get it... does he enjoy pissing the fudge outta me? but after he starts laughing, i do too... but i saw his twin/soul mate today at work... duh... he was kinda down today... which means he was actually nice! oooh! i found more info on stan... his last relationsip was junior year... she cheated on him and he's never cheated on a girl... "its stupid.." right on, stan... and then pj was supposedly harassing paprika for my screen name... according to her... so when i get this IM... i kinda knew who it was... why would he ask about me? i thought he wasn't interested in girls... you never know with guys... so damn fickle... he was fun to talk to...
well today i was talking to my supervisor about love and marriage... and he told me infidelity is a part of married life... cuz couples get bored and its a reaction... he even did it! that traumatized me... i do not wanna love anymore... and he said if she never went back to the PI, he woulda still been fudging her... ew! yet he says he loves his wife... do i get it? i think not... i really dont get the point of lies and being unfaithful... damn! just be honest and tell the other person how u feel... cuz ive learned no matter how hurt u think they may be if u tell them u're bored or that you wanna see other people... they will never be as hurt as if they find out from someone else... that just sucks the big one... trust me, i know... and i bet he does too... sucks how it's all come to this...
why cant everything just be like it was before... to be in love always... but "r", my supervisor says that doesnt really happen... that its a fairy tale... "it only happens in the movies. do you see that happening in real life?" i guess not... damn u for killing my faith in love and my hopes in finding it... but i cant forget mrs mendoza's love story... she told us that when she met her husband... they had a romance that no one could believe... "you know those movies you watch where the two people fall in love and everything is romantic and perfect? that doesn't even come close to mine and my husband's love affair..." now thats inspiring... a little light sparked inside me telling me to keep looking... you have not reached a dead end... just climb over the stupid wall! oooh! i made that up! didnt that sound like something you'd quote? haha
oh yeah... my parents were fighting... dad might leave again... i hate the way they are always so childish about everything... bickering about stupid ish like money... get over it! u're married! learn to share! my gosh... i just loathe hearing all that screaming and yelling and mean words... and i curl up in my bed hoping that someone would comfort me and forget there is this warzone outside my room... i called him, in hopes of him being that one... but i guess THAT was incredibly stupid... and he never returned the call... too busy, i guess.. or getting a good night's rest for six flags with his friends tomorrow... *sigh so i wrote to the only other thing that'd possibly care... you... my heart... but even you leave me lonely...
what an incredibly smiley day im having today... nothing has gone bad... ive seen my self worth through other people's eyes... i just had a ton of fun... shopping with my mom... getting irritated by shawn... just everything... like he'd say stupid sh*t that pisses me off and i hang up on him, and he calls me right back laughing his ass off... and i just dont get it... does he enjoy pissing the fudge outta me? but after he starts laughing, i do too... but i saw his twin/soul mate today at work... duh... he was kinda down today... which means he was actually nice! oooh! i found more info on stan... his last relationsip was junior year... she cheated on him and he's never cheated on a girl... "its stupid.." right on, stan... and then pj was supposedly harassing paprika for my screen name... according to her... so when i get this IM... i kinda knew who it was... why would he ask about me? i thought he wasn't interested in girls... you never know with guys... so damn fickle... he was fun to talk to...
well today i was talking to my supervisor about love and marriage... and he told me infidelity is a part of married life... cuz couples get bored and its a reaction... he even did it! that traumatized me... i do not wanna love anymore... and he said if she never went back to the PI, he woulda still been fudging her... ew! yet he says he loves his wife... do i get it? i think not... i really dont get the point of lies and being unfaithful... damn! just be honest and tell the other person how u feel... cuz ive learned no matter how hurt u think they may be if u tell them u're bored or that you wanna see other people... they will never be as hurt as if they find out from someone else... that just sucks the big one... trust me, i know... and i bet he does too... sucks how it's all come to this...
why cant everything just be like it was before... to be in love always... but "r", my supervisor says that doesnt really happen... that its a fairy tale... "it only happens in the movies. do you see that happening in real life?" i guess not... damn u for killing my faith in love and my hopes in finding it... but i cant forget mrs mendoza's love story... she told us that when she met her husband... they had a romance that no one could believe... "you know those movies you watch where the two people fall in love and everything is romantic and perfect? that doesn't even come close to mine and my husband's love affair..." now thats inspiring... a little light sparked inside me telling me to keep looking... you have not reached a dead end... just climb over the stupid wall! oooh! i made that up! didnt that sound like something you'd quote? haha
oh yeah... my parents were fighting... dad might leave again... i hate the way they are always so childish about everything... bickering about stupid ish like money... get over it! u're married! learn to share! my gosh... i just loathe hearing all that screaming and yelling and mean words... and i curl up in my bed hoping that someone would comfort me and forget there is this warzone outside my room... i called him, in hopes of him being that one... but i guess THAT was incredibly stupid... and he never returned the call... too busy, i guess.. or getting a good night's rest for six flags with his friends tomorrow... *sigh so i wrote to the only other thing that'd possibly care... you... my heart... but even you leave me lonely...
this heart of mine was broken at 12:02:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, April 15, 2002
Dear heart,
why does it feel like ive been awake forever? ew! and im playing devil music... like "one last cry" by brian mcknight... what to do, what to do? im bored as heck... should i call shawn? haha he hates it when i wake him up... even last year, he'd be all grumpy... but what can he do... hahahaha... hang up on me? i DON'T think so... why do i enjoy irritating him? did i tell you that when i first met adrian, the person that popped into my head was shawn... they are SO alike... not looks... adrian has this smile... *heehee.. and shawn just has everything... i dont know... not really... ugh! i need to stop... but actually this is healthy when moving on... especially if your ex has found someone else... and im not even getting all emotionally attached... and im already finding all these imperfections that are telling me it wont work out... except for stan... he still has promise... AND he's the best looking... i must away... im in desperate need of a nap... a short vist to dreamland is all i need... living in the real world is too much for me right now...
why does it feel like ive been awake forever? ew! and im playing devil music... like "one last cry" by brian mcknight... what to do, what to do? im bored as heck... should i call shawn? haha he hates it when i wake him up... even last year, he'd be all grumpy... but what can he do... hahahaha... hang up on me? i DON'T think so... why do i enjoy irritating him? did i tell you that when i first met adrian, the person that popped into my head was shawn... they are SO alike... not looks... adrian has this smile... *heehee.. and shawn just has everything... i dont know... not really... ugh! i need to stop... but actually this is healthy when moving on... especially if your ex has found someone else... and im not even getting all emotionally attached... and im already finding all these imperfections that are telling me it wont work out... except for stan... he still has promise... AND he's the best looking... i must away... im in desperate need of a nap... a short vist to dreamland is all i need... living in the real world is too much for me right now...
this heart of mine was broken at 8:55:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
last night was gee golly fun... too bad i got in trouble for going out every day this weekend... damn! what do they expect? they can't hold onto me forever... nothing can really hold onto anything forever... anyway, we went to the block... i hate those filthy comments by older men... but eventually me and olivia just started playing along... haha... it's amazing how great i feel with these people... they even made me call mj to ask him to prom... we were gonna talk about it later that night but i fell asleep by the time he called... this is where i met stan... i was SO no up for meeting people... and just the passing by of that borders books area really took a lot of me... and i saw the exact place where he sat... but im getting over that... moving on...
i really wasnt looking for anyone to meet... i have enough drama as it is in my life... but when i found him, it's amazing how incrediblyperfect... no... adequate, he was... he can sing, he loves to dance (he was a choreographer), he's allergic to cigarette smoke, he doesnt find the point in drinking, and he's 18... he had to show me his driver's license cuz i wouldn't believe him... and he was born like november... another scorpio (good sign for me)... he's so incredibly nice! and when we exchanged numbers i was like "where do you live if its 909?" but thas where he stays during the week cuz of school... which is riverside with grandparents... but on the weekends... guess where he lives? like 5 damn minutes from me... now THAS creepy... he's just right there... i dont know... he's gonna call me later... i'll update u on more tidbits of info...
shawn is still irritating, yet oddly intruiguing... and friday is set... maybe it's just cuz he's cute... still need to ask mj to prom... im scared though... what if he says no?
anyway, i realized it affected me more than i could admit to myself... it was just like a hard punch in the stomache... i bet she makes him smile and laugh... things im never gonna be able to do... i bet she makes him happy... the thing i never could get right... but the only aspect of this whole thing that really gets me is that it was so soon... ok... the brighter side: at least he's not lying to me anymore... thats all i ever really wanted from him... and i dont doubt anything he says anymore... i just hope we don't lose each other... even as friends, im ok... i WILL get over this... dont doubt me, please...
last night was gee golly fun... too bad i got in trouble for going out every day this weekend... damn! what do they expect? they can't hold onto me forever... nothing can really hold onto anything forever... anyway, we went to the block... i hate those filthy comments by older men... but eventually me and olivia just started playing along... haha... it's amazing how great i feel with these people... they even made me call mj to ask him to prom... we were gonna talk about it later that night but i fell asleep by the time he called... this is where i met stan... i was SO no up for meeting people... and just the passing by of that borders books area really took a lot of me... and i saw the exact place where he sat... but im getting over that... moving on...
i really wasnt looking for anyone to meet... i have enough drama as it is in my life... but when i found him, it's amazing how incredibly
shawn is still irritating, yet oddly intruiguing... and friday is set... maybe it's just cuz he's cute... still need to ask mj to prom... im scared though... what if he says no?
anyway, i realized it affected me more than i could admit to myself... it was just like a hard punch in the stomache... i bet she makes him smile and laugh... things im never gonna be able to do... i bet she makes him happy... the thing i never could get right... but the only aspect of this whole thing that really gets me is that it was so soon... ok... the brighter side: at least he's not lying to me anymore... thats all i ever really wanted from him... and i dont doubt anything he says anymore... i just hope we don't lose each other... even as friends, im ok... i WILL get over this... dont doubt me, please...
this heart of mine was broken at 8:11:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, April 14, 2002
Dear heart,
yesss... shawn asked me out again... i thought that would be the only time we'd be going out... and we piss the fudge outta each other so its really funny being out with him... i didnt think anyone would see us... but one of joe's friends told him i was out with some guy... oh well... im just glad i dont have a boyfriend to answer to...
and as of right now... all the attached feelings i had for him has left the bulding... its so weird... like story time made me feel a little bad but it made me realize it really was over... and soon this girl would be his and he'd fall in love with her... while im still in love with him... and that cant happen... and just the fact that there is someone in his life made me see him differently... like an untouchable... this feeling seems familiar... its herbie all over again... like the talking about people... and then one day it just doesnt hurt you anymore... and everything is gonna be ok...
yesss... shawn asked me out again... i thought that would be the only time we'd be going out... and we piss the fudge outta each other so its really funny being out with him... i didnt think anyone would see us... but one of joe's friends told him i was out with some guy... oh well... im just glad i dont have a boyfriend to answer to...
and as of right now... all the attached feelings i had for him has left the bulding... its so weird... like story time made me feel a little bad but it made me realize it really was over... and soon this girl would be his and he'd fall in love with her... while im still in love with him... and that cant happen... and just the fact that there is someone in his life made me see him differently... like an untouchable... this feeling seems familiar... its herbie all over again... like the talking about people... and then one day it just doesnt hurt you anymore... and everything is gonna be ok...
this heart of mine was broken at 5:16:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
[[ jojo's top 9 songs of the week]]
o Ashanti - Foolish
o Pink - Misery
o Sade - By Your Side
o Celine Dion - All By Myself
o Boyz II Men - Doin' Just Fine
o 4Xample - I'd Rather Be Alone (thanks kuya)
o Honeyz - Just Let Go
o James Ingram - Just Once
o Mandy Moore - Could've Been
[[ ultimate song of the week ]]
so long my friend, don't say goodbye
just give me one last kiss beneath this glowing sky
we'll go walking through the park
and hang out in the rain
tell a joke and watch me smile
as we drink away the day
and know the next time that you
make a wish upon a star
I'll be wishing on the same one that you do
and every night I'm all alone
in some burn out highway town
I'll be thinking of the day that I met you
hello again, it's been to long
what happened to our love
since the last time I was gone?
I detach myself again
and lose something everytime
the solutions in the problem
temporarily alright
and know the next time that you
make a wish upon a star
that sometimes it might actually come true
our conversation can't consist of hello and goodbye
and the silence between saying I love you
and sometimes I wonder 'bout that too
(The Ataris- hello and goodbye)
o Ashanti - Foolish
o Pink - Misery
o Sade - By Your Side
o Celine Dion - All By Myself
o Boyz II Men - Doin' Just Fine
o 4Xample - I'd Rather Be Alone (thanks kuya)
o Honeyz - Just Let Go
o James Ingram - Just Once
o Mandy Moore - Could've Been
[[ ultimate song of the week ]]
so long my friend, don't say goodbye
just give me one last kiss beneath this glowing sky
we'll go walking through the park
and hang out in the rain
tell a joke and watch me smile
as we drink away the day
and know the next time that you
make a wish upon a star
I'll be wishing on the same one that you do
and every night I'm all alone
in some burn out highway town
I'll be thinking of the day that I met you
hello again, it's been to long
what happened to our love
since the last time I was gone?
I detach myself again
and lose something everytime
the solutions in the problem
temporarily alright
and know the next time that you
make a wish upon a star
that sometimes it might actually come true
our conversation can't consist of hello and goodbye
and the silence between saying I love you
and sometimes I wonder 'bout that too
(The Ataris- hello and goodbye)
this heart of mine was broken at 4:45:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
just came from kuya's house... so many couples... such cuteness... "honey, get me water" (snuggle)(kiss)... ick! it almost got me, ya know... it's like i was all good... hung out with the girls... forgot about my problems... and then you go to something like that and scenes of happy couples just haunt you... and you wonder why you couldnt't be in love like that? why they're happy together? and you're just alone... why no one was holding you tight that very moment to keep you warm and protected from the air conditioning set at 50 degrees...
i am fine alone, though... and even though the sight of them torment me to see something i dont have anymore... it gives me faith that there is love out there... it exists... and i really see it through my kuya and his gf's relationship... he is so whooped... and so is she... still... after a year and 9 months... but ya'll knew i was always whooped... he just kinda stopped one day... maybe it was another girl... who knows... maybe it was me... who knows... does it matter? its over...
time has a way of ruining the most beautiful... they turn love into hate... turn promises into lies... change memories into nightmares... reducing the future to be a thing of the past... and vanquish hope into paranoia... eep! if only i knew that was the last time i would have seen him, i woulda held him a little closer... i would have kissed him a little sweeter... ( oh yeah! i LOVED that kiss)... i would have just let him stay with me a little longer... and savor our slowly melting heaven... but if only's get me nowhere... but back to where i started... so i will stop now... k bye
just came from kuya's house... so many couples... such cuteness... "honey, get me water" (snuggle)(kiss)... ick! it almost got me, ya know... it's like i was all good... hung out with the girls... forgot about my problems... and then you go to something like that and scenes of happy couples just haunt you... and you wonder why you couldnt't be in love like that? why they're happy together? and you're just alone... why no one was holding you tight that very moment to keep you warm and protected from the air conditioning set at 50 degrees...
i am fine alone, though... and even though the sight of them torment me to see something i dont have anymore... it gives me faith that there is love out there... it exists... and i really see it through my kuya and his gf's relationship... he is so whooped... and so is she... still... after a year and 9 months... but ya'll knew i was always whooped... he just kinda stopped one day... maybe it was another girl... who knows... maybe it was me... who knows... does it matter? its over...
time has a way of ruining the most beautiful... they turn love into hate... turn promises into lies... change memories into nightmares... reducing the future to be a thing of the past... and vanquish hope into paranoia... eep! if only i knew that was the last time i would have seen him, i woulda held him a little closer... i would have kissed him a little sweeter... ( oh yeah! i LOVED that kiss)... i would have just let him stay with me a little longer... and savor our slowly melting heaven... but if only's get me nowhere... but back to where i started... so i will stop now... k bye
this heart of mine was broken at 12:15:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, April 13, 2002
Dear heart,
im sorry... i dont think the day's entree would be complete unless i mentioned paprika's friend, pj... being the only guy should have freaked him out or made him feel out of place... but he fit right in... i barely met him and he already tackled me, leaving a few bruises here and there... haha... and everyone told me how fascinated he was with me... he was just incredibly cool... in a younger brother sort of way... so naive with eyes full of trust... like bambi... my gosh... and how many guys you know would let me put make up on them... he got all pretty too... you know who he looks like? jason biggs from american pie... and his whole naivety proves similar to the main character in that movie "Loser." dont ya think?! shit! im off...
im sorry... i dont think the day's entree would be complete unless i mentioned paprika's friend, pj... being the only guy should have freaked him out or made him feel out of place... but he fit right in... i barely met him and he already tackled me, leaving a few bruises here and there... haha... and everyone told me how fascinated he was with me... he was just incredibly cool... in a younger brother sort of way... so naive with eyes full of trust... like bambi... my gosh... and how many guys you know would let me put make up on them... he got all pretty too... you know who he looks like? jason biggs from american pie... and his whole naivety proves similar to the main character in that movie "Loser." dont ya think?! shit! im off...
this heart of mine was broken at 1:36:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
it's the start of a very beautiful end of a very hard week for me... and DAMN it feels like sunday already... i think the amount of fun i had last night could suffice this whole weekend... i must admit i did miss writing on this... i just wanted to fill you in on every side-hurting laugh i had and every bruise i have from just everything yesterday...
as you can see, i just got home from the best honors elite slumber party ever... paprika had her little friends visit until 12:30 so that was always fun... paprika owned her very own "playguy" magazine... mistakenly she thought it was like porn of younger guys... but BOY was she wrong... haha... it was gay porn! filled with little juicy stories... pages and pages of disgusting nakie young guys... i could NOT even look... i was on the verge of vomitting... too much information if you ask me... i SO did not wanna know how turned on some guy was putting his "throbbing d*ck" into some guys hole... eep! can anyone say "nightmares?"
instead of putting make up on each other, we drew tattoos and such on each other's legs, backs, arms, etc... i have a huge red shlong on my back... i hope the ink didnt seep into my skin like everyone said... "it IS henna paint"... eep! get it off me... thank god no one will see me nakie with that on my back... haha... and yes... i will never wash my hands again... not after mr. smiley drawn on there got the cutest kiss...
[[ notes to self ]]
! parika's: pj
! rebz's: rj
! mine: mj
since it was a movie night... we saw 200 cigarettes... i was in the mood for that type of movie so it really hit me... love is so fudging pretty! dont you agree? just the first kisses... the getting used to each other's lips... the chase in getting the apple of your eye... the whole falling in love gig... the blindness that significant other's might suffer, where they cant realize the one person they've been searching for all their lives is right there next to them heliping them look... another movie was riding in a car with a guy... or whatever that movie was... i really need to stop being all pathetic like her... everything is just helping me along with all of this... i am ok... can u believe it?
i really need to hop in the shower cuz i feel icky and dirty... and i must be getting on my way already... my god... there seriously is not a moment to breathe this whole four day weekend... and tomorrow... everyone's meeting at my house so we can have another girl's night out at- who knows where... maybe paprika is taking us to hollywood, or melrose, or just have dinner and a movie at the block like we planned... and monday... prom dress shopping... yes, i KNOW i have no date yet... but fear not... find a dress and the date will follow... always my belief... haha not really...
ok so basically im happy... leave me alone... hehe... MUAH
it's the start of a very beautiful end of a very hard week for me... and DAMN it feels like sunday already... i think the amount of fun i had last night could suffice this whole weekend... i must admit i did miss writing on this... i just wanted to fill you in on every side-hurting laugh i had and every bruise i have from just everything yesterday...
as you can see, i just got home from the best honors elite slumber party ever... paprika had her little friends visit until 12:30 so that was always fun... paprika owned her very own "playguy" magazine... mistakenly she thought it was like porn of younger guys... but BOY was she wrong... haha... it was gay porn! filled with little juicy stories... pages and pages of disgusting nakie young guys... i could NOT even look... i was on the verge of vomitting... too much information if you ask me... i SO did not wanna know how turned on some guy was putting his "throbbing d*ck" into some guys hole... eep! can anyone say "nightmares?"
instead of putting make up on each other, we drew tattoos and such on each other's legs, backs, arms, etc... i have a huge red shlong on my back... i hope the ink didnt seep into my skin like everyone said... "it IS henna paint"... eep! get it off me... thank god no one will see me nakie with that on my back... haha... and yes... i will never wash my hands again... not after mr. smiley drawn on there got the cutest kiss...
[[ notes to self ]]
! parika's: pj
! rebz's: rj
! mine: mj
since it was a movie night... we saw 200 cigarettes... i was in the mood for that type of movie so it really hit me... love is so fudging pretty! dont you agree? just the first kisses... the getting used to each other's lips... the chase in getting the apple of your eye... the whole falling in love gig... the blindness that significant other's might suffer, where they cant realize the one person they've been searching for all their lives is right there next to them heliping them look... another movie was riding in a car with a guy... or whatever that movie was... i really need to stop being all pathetic like her... everything is just helping me along with all of this... i am ok... can u believe it?
i really need to hop in the shower cuz i feel icky and dirty... and i must be getting on my way already... my god... there seriously is not a moment to breathe this whole four day weekend... and tomorrow... everyone's meeting at my house so we can have another girl's night out at- who knows where... maybe paprika is taking us to hollywood, or melrose, or just have dinner and a movie at the block like we planned... and monday... prom dress shopping... yes, i KNOW i have no date yet... but fear not... find a dress and the date will follow... always my belief... haha not really...
ok so basically im happy... leave me alone... hehe... MUAH
this heart of mine was broken at 12:53:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, April 12, 2002
*feeling*
anxious about today
*reading*
previous comments by people... i appreciate it... even those who look down upon broken hearts...
*watching*
absolutely NOTHING
*listening*
jason wade- you belong to me
*random thoughts and speculations*
- i should be taking a shower
- PROM PROM PROM
- who's taking me tonight?
- sleep over! yay (dont miss me too much when im gone...)
- shizzy... still need to clean my room
- im gonna have a good day
- i bet he will too... i wonder with who... and does it really matter
- this song is depressing
- ok shower time
anxious about today
*reading*
previous comments by people... i appreciate it... even those who look down upon broken hearts...
*watching*
absolutely NOTHING
*listening*
jason wade- you belong to me
*random thoughts and speculations*
- i should be taking a shower
- PROM PROM PROM
- who's taking me tonight?
- sleep over! yay (dont miss me too much when im gone...)
- shizzy... still need to clean my room
- im gonna have a good day
- i bet he will too... i wonder with who... and does it really matter
- this song is depressing
- ok shower time
this heart of mine was broken at 6:55:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Thursday, April 11, 2002
Dear heart,
i feel particualarly a-ok today... no pits of depression... just smiles and whatnot... i woke up freaking late today... like 5 minutes before my ride would come... so i literally jumped out of bed and put on whatever uniform was lying on the ground... i had wonderful dreams so my sleep felt a little sweeter than usual...
i was just thinking of my first boyfriend back in 8th grade... tis funny how i thought i loved him so much... how naive... first of all, we said i love you the day we got together, we fought 4 days out of the week since we got together, we lied to each other constantly, we cheated on each other because we thought the other person was cheating and used it as an excuse... my GOD! that was love? its just funny... and then he'd always pull me to the side before we enter church and kiss me on the lips... and all the other lil 8th graders would shake their heads at us, like we're shameless... but it was cool feeling like that... and the gay little butterflies that fluttered around inside... but i got over it in a month so thas cool... i liked my guy friend more anyway... haha
god! it was like that back then too... with him... those butterflies were crashing into the walls of my tummy... and man... each time he smiled... i fell like an apple on newton's head ... fell in love that is... he always smelled so yummy and felt so cuddly to hug... and he always had a way of making me feel better... i loved kissing him... our kisses were just precious... *sigh i'll stop now... dammit im regressing...
$ breaking up over the phone: $.45 per airtime minute
$ tissue for wiping tears: $.99
$ box to put his things away: $2.00
$ shopping due to depression: $200.00
$ therapy sessions and counseling: $50.00 per hour
$ all the memories with him collected over a period of a year and 7 months: priceless
there are some things money can buy, for everything else- there's parents... heehee
i feel particualarly a-ok today... no pits of depression... just smiles and whatnot... i woke up freaking late today... like 5 minutes before my ride would come... so i literally jumped out of bed and put on whatever uniform was lying on the ground... i had wonderful dreams so my sleep felt a little sweeter than usual...
i was just thinking of my first boyfriend back in 8th grade... tis funny how i thought i loved him so much... how naive... first of all, we said i love you the day we got together, we fought 4 days out of the week since we got together, we lied to each other constantly, we cheated on each other because we thought the other person was cheating and used it as an excuse... my GOD! that was love? its just funny... and then he'd always pull me to the side before we enter church and kiss me on the lips... and all the other lil 8th graders would shake their heads at us, like we're shameless... but it was cool feeling like that... and the gay little butterflies that fluttered around inside... but i got over it in a month so thas cool... i liked my guy friend more anyway... haha
god! it was like that back then too... with him... those butterflies were crashing into the walls of my tummy... and man... each time he smiled... i fell like an apple on newton's head ... fell in love that is... he always smelled so yummy and felt so cuddly to hug... and he always had a way of making me feel better... i loved kissing him... our kisses were just precious... *sigh i'll stop now... dammit im regressing...
$ breaking up over the phone: $.45 per airtime minute
$ tissue for wiping tears: $.99
$ box to put his things away: $2.00
$ shopping due to depression: $200.00
$ therapy sessions and counseling: $50.00 per hour
$ all the memories with him collected over a period of a year and 7 months: priceless
there are some things money can buy, for everything else- there's parents... heehee
this heart of mine was broken at 11:21:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Wednesday, April 10, 2002
Dear heart,
i have the most painful headache today... days are pretty quiet now though... and i'm doing better... i havent really cried since like sunday night, i think... thank god for tomorrows... or i dont know how i'd be able to survive todays... fellow broken hearts of the world... we must all bond together... we can help each other through this era of pain... i wonder if he is one of us... broken hearted just like me...
[[ link of the day ]]
lessons on women
but i fear today's entree must be short and uninteresting... i have a lot of homework and i must read chapter summaries for 2 books i was supposed to read and have a test on tomorrow... so wish me luck... i love you all!
i have the most painful headache today... days are pretty quiet now though... and i'm doing better... i havent really cried since like sunday night, i think... thank god for tomorrows... or i dont know how i'd be able to survive todays... fellow broken hearts of the world... we must all bond together... we can help each other through this era of pain... i wonder if he is one of us... broken hearted just like me...
[[ link of the day ]]
lessons on women
but i fear today's entree must be short and uninteresting... i have a lot of homework and i must read chapter summaries for 2 books i was supposed to read and have a test on tomorrow... so wish me luck... i love you all!
this heart of mine was broken at 10:06:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Tuesday, April 09, 2002
*feeling*
exhausted
*reading*
my teacher's threats of reading a story i wrote in class... but he says if i dont- it wont exist and i wont exist...
*watching*
smallvile... did u hafto ask?
*listening*
my december- linkin park
*random thoughts and speculations*
- prom? whats that?
- ap tests are coming up!!
- why the hell am i still slacking?!
- need to do homework...
- must... find... prom... date
- its too hot in here
exhausted
*reading*
my teacher's threats of reading a story i wrote in class... but he says if i dont- it wont exist and i wont exist...
*watching*
smallvile... did u hafto ask?
*listening*
my december- linkin park
*random thoughts and speculations*
- prom? whats that?
- ap tests are coming up!!
- why the hell am i still slacking?!
- need to do homework...
- must... find... prom... date
- its too hot in here
this heart of mine was broken at 10:43:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
damn! everyone talks about prom like crazy nowadays... eep! i still dont have a date... there really isnt much to write... im becoming more cynical everyday... and i think every sweet word from a guy's mouth is bullshit and that he wants to get into my pants... whats up with this unhealthy paranoia? hehe well adrian is officially a dumbass... i cant stand him... i hate the way he talks to me and he swears he even has the right to say things like that to me... i dont know... how can you be so cool somtimes then be that ass you seem to be MOST of the time...
i dont really have any heartfelt and warm to say... nothing emotional or endearing... no sweet words to project from my heart... and all because it is empty... its hollow and broken and ive managed to live with it... my best friend kristen kreuk said "letting go makes moving on a little easier" or something like that... cuz if he doesnt give a shit anymore... then i dont either... i bet he's much happier now... and i smile for him... im glad... he deserves happiness...
but hey... this goes out to you (im oh so very pathetic):
I know you're going, I can't make you stay
I can only let you know I'll love you anyways
And if the road you take, leads to heartbreak
Somewhere down the line
If someone ever hurts you, or treats your heart unkind
You just run, to the arms of the one who loves you
You just run to these arms
And these two arms will keep you warm
When rain has filled your heart, never fear
I'm never far, you just run
To the arms of the who loves you
I want you happy, I want the best for you
And if you have to leave to find your dream,
I hope that dream comes true
But if the world you find brings you hard times
Or someone makes you cry
I'll be there to hold you, I'll be standing by
My love is strong enough you know,
strong enough to let you go,
but I'll always hold you, inside my heart
And ig you should ever change your mind
You can come back anytime
And when you do ( when you do)
You( you can run..........)
- xscape: arms of the one who loves you
[[ suggested song download of the day ]]
inflatable- bush
[[ meditation of the day ]]
"if you have two legs- run; if you have one leg- hop; if you have no legs- FLY!"
damn! everyone talks about prom like crazy nowadays... eep! i still dont have a date... there really isnt much to write... im becoming more cynical everyday... and i think every sweet word from a guy's mouth is bullshit and that he wants to get into my pants... whats up with this unhealthy paranoia? hehe well adrian is officially a dumbass... i cant stand him... i hate the way he talks to me and he swears he even has the right to say things like that to me... i dont know... how can you be so cool somtimes then be that ass you seem to be MOST of the time...
i dont really have any heartfelt and warm to say... nothing emotional or endearing... no sweet words to project from my heart... and all because it is empty... its hollow and broken and ive managed to live with it... my best friend kristen kreuk said "letting go makes moving on a little easier" or something like that... cuz if he doesnt give a shit anymore... then i dont either... i bet he's much happier now... and i smile for him... im glad... he deserves happiness...
but hey... this goes out to you (im oh so very pathetic):
I know you're going, I can't make you stay
I can only let you know I'll love you anyways
And if the road you take, leads to heartbreak
Somewhere down the line
If someone ever hurts you, or treats your heart unkind
You just run, to the arms of the one who loves you
You just run to these arms
And these two arms will keep you warm
When rain has filled your heart, never fear
I'm never far, you just run
To the arms of the who loves you
I want you happy, I want the best for you
And if you have to leave to find your dream,
I hope that dream comes true
But if the world you find brings you hard times
Or someone makes you cry
I'll be there to hold you, I'll be standing by
My love is strong enough you know,
strong enough to let you go,
but I'll always hold you, inside my heart
And ig you should ever change your mind
You can come back anytime
And when you do ( when you do)
You( you can run..........)
- xscape: arms of the one who loves you
[[ suggested song download of the day ]]
inflatable- bush
[[ meditation of the day ]]
"if you have two legs- run; if you have one leg- hop; if you have no legs- FLY!"
this heart of mine was broken at 10:35:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i just had the ickiest dream... i was in hawaii in search of something but i had to attend this conference.. so i went with a guy as my body guard type of person, but he was going to hawaii for his own mysterious reasons... anyway, we had to share a hotel room and our blanket was like paper thin so after 2 days of not uttering a word to each other, he suggested me putting my hands in his pockets... he wasnt some old grandpa guy... he was someone my age and obviously dangerously attractive... anyway, i woke up all nakie next to him and i guessed we had done the nasty... haha i was so scared, i thought it was real! and then we went to a conference the next day and he got me an interview with pierce brosnan... while we were waiting he was texting someone and it was this digital guy scoring a soccer goal... which meant he was trying to tell the other person "he scored" with me... i was so pissed... what an asshole! we told each other this was a secret and to THINK i was actually starting to like him... and then he pulls me back and he apologizes... then he gives me this small kiss... and i woke up.... weird or what? but i had a smile on my face...
i just had the ickiest dream... i was in hawaii in search of something but i had to attend this conference.. so i went with a guy as my body guard type of person, but he was going to hawaii for his own mysterious reasons... anyway, we had to share a hotel room and our blanket was like paper thin so after 2 days of not uttering a word to each other, he suggested me putting my hands in his pockets... he wasnt some old grandpa guy... he was someone my age and obviously dangerously attractive... anyway, i woke up all nakie next to him and i guessed we had done the nasty... haha i was so scared, i thought it was real! and then we went to a conference the next day and he got me an interview with pierce brosnan... while we were waiting he was texting someone and it was this digital guy scoring a soccer goal... which meant he was trying to tell the other person "he scored" with me... i was so pissed... what an asshole! we told each other this was a secret and to THINK i was actually starting to like him... and then he pulls me back and he apologizes... then he gives me this small kiss... and i woke up.... weird or what? but i had a smile on my face...
this heart of mine was broken at 8:29:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
tarot card reading time:
1. present position= "concern, anxiety over a loved one, despair"
2. immediate influence or obstacles="difficulty in launching new projects, difficult situtations, new troubles, embarassment"
3. goal or destiny="prosperity and well-being, generosity, security, liberty, dignity, a noble soul"
4. past influences="excessive pressures, problems soon to be resolved, possible use of power for selfish ends"
5. present influences="obstacles, problems, delays, disasters, barriers to overcome"
6. future influnce="great determination, initiative, strength, sucess, deep emotional feeling, love, championship, conquest"
7. the situation in perspective=" bravery, heroic action, rush into the unknown without fear"
8. questioner's influence (me)="unfulfilled hopes, disappointment, pessimism, lack of opportunity, stubborness, cnclusion of an unstatisfactory social friendship"
9. inner emotions="reasonableness, justice proper balance, harmony, honor, virtue, outcome whether good or bad will be truly fair to the persons concerned"
10. outcome="abitilty to conclude a task, patient, reliable, persistent"
[[ meditation of the day ]]
"simply seeing is an act of creation"
tarot card reading time:
1. present position= "concern, anxiety over a loved one, despair"
2. immediate influence or obstacles="difficulty in launching new projects, difficult situtations, new troubles, embarassment"
3. goal or destiny="prosperity and well-being, generosity, security, liberty, dignity, a noble soul"
4. past influences="excessive pressures, problems soon to be resolved, possible use of power for selfish ends"
5. present influences="obstacles, problems, delays, disasters, barriers to overcome"
6. future influnce="great determination, initiative, strength, sucess, deep emotional feeling, love, championship, conquest"
7. the situation in perspective=" bravery, heroic action, rush into the unknown without fear"
8. questioner's influence (me)="unfulfilled hopes, disappointment, pessimism, lack of opportunity, stubborness, cnclusion of an unstatisfactory social friendship"
9. inner emotions="reasonableness, justice proper balance, harmony, honor, virtue, outcome whether good or bad will be truly fair to the persons concerned"
10. outcome="abitilty to conclude a task, patient, reliable, persistent"
[[ meditation of the day ]]
"simply seeing is an act of creation"
this heart of mine was broken at 12:57:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Monday, April 08, 2002
Dear heart,
im finally able to write to you... ive missed you so! haha... school seemed particularly long today... why oh why... but work jus streamed by freaking fast... adrian was pissing me off in the beginning... he can be such a moronic bastard... and i tell him too... and then he gets tired of his act and just mellows down... but we were talking about palm reading and all that... it seems that he is an air sign as well... like libras... and in my stars... i can SO not get along with that, for we are opposites... im an earth sign... im more dependent and stable... like the earth... while they are more independant and unpredictable... just like him... see how very ok he is not talking to me...
my palms tell me i get broken hearted easily... and im faced with many "pits of depression"... my sensitivity has grown since ive been with him... my life line as well... im affectionate and mildly giving... my life line is long and very harsh in the beginning... im disappointed continuously until about the middle of my life... i still havent met my soul mate and im far from it... oh and my career line is still very vague which means i have no idea what the hell i wanna do... hehe... is this all true? seems all good to me... but remember... our lines are forever changing...
damn i have a major dilemma... on saturday... i either go to kuya's birthday or diane's birthday dinner thing... they are both really good friends... the kind who've been there for me always... so how the heck can i pick? kuya has karaoke and i can just laugh the whole night like last time... but then diane's thing will have my group there... and i never really hang out with them anymore... i just wanna be there for her... you know? aakkk! decisions... im excited for this weekend... girls night out on sunday... and sleepover on friday... meaning i'm going out before and getting dropped off at paprika's... yay i can stay out! and i got to drive today... ew quite scary... soon i will have my license... and soon i will be free!
[[ difficult thing to accept of the week ]]
"give me a few days or a week, i'll get over it"
[[ meditation of the day ]]
"there is always someone better"
im finally able to write to you... ive missed you so! haha... school seemed particularly long today... why oh why... but work jus streamed by freaking fast... adrian was pissing me off in the beginning... he can be such a moronic bastard... and i tell him too... and then he gets tired of his act and just mellows down... but we were talking about palm reading and all that... it seems that he is an air sign as well... like libras... and in my stars... i can SO not get along with that, for we are opposites... im an earth sign... im more dependent and stable... like the earth... while they are more independant and unpredictable... just like him... see how very ok he is not talking to me...
my palms tell me i get broken hearted easily... and im faced with many "pits of depression"... my sensitivity has grown since ive been with him... my life line as well... im affectionate and mildly giving... my life line is long and very harsh in the beginning... im disappointed continuously until about the middle of my life... i still havent met my soul mate and im far from it... oh and my career line is still very vague which means i have no idea what the hell i wanna do... hehe... is this all true? seems all good to me... but remember... our lines are forever changing...
damn i have a major dilemma... on saturday... i either go to kuya's birthday or diane's birthday dinner thing... they are both really good friends... the kind who've been there for me always... so how the heck can i pick? kuya has karaoke and i can just laugh the whole night like last time... but then diane's thing will have my group there... and i never really hang out with them anymore... i just wanna be there for her... you know? aakkk! decisions... im excited for this weekend... girls night out on sunday... and sleepover on friday... meaning i'm going out before and getting dropped off at paprika's... yay i can stay out! and i got to drive today... ew quite scary... soon i will have my license... and soon i will be free!
[[ difficult thing to accept of the week ]]
"give me a few days or a week, i'll get over it"
[[ meditation of the day ]]
"there is always someone better"
this heart of mine was broken at 10:02:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Sunday, April 07, 2002
[[ favorite dreams of the future ]]
- live in a glass house next to the beach
- be a writer or an animator
- work at a coffee shop if my trade doesnt rake in the cash
- and maybe WAY later get married
- have little joyce and bryan... or bryanne... thas a pretty name... who doesnt get it?
- have a little golden retriever named prince jr...
- be a famous writer (not the posthumous one)
- be in love always after marrying "the one"
- be happy
- live in a glass house next to the beach
- be a writer or an animator
- work at a coffee shop if my trade doesnt rake in the cash
- and maybe WAY later get married
- have little joyce and bryan... or bryanne... thas a pretty name... who doesnt get it?
- have a little golden retriever named prince jr...
- be a famous writer (not the posthumous one)
- be in love always after marrying "the one"
- be happy
this heart of mine was broken at 11:34:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i just remember one thing i ABSOLUTELY loathe... when family member ask "where is he?" i reply with "at home"... god! dont they know that if he's not there... there may be reasons other than the obvious ones... ugh! i dont wanna make a big deal about it... its none of their damn business... but they're making me feel like shit...
its funny how damn unemotional he is about the whole thing... yeah, makes me feel a whole lot better doesnt it? and what? a week? thas all its gonna take for him to get over me... how great for him... im sure there's some nifty lil girl in the side to help him out... what is she like? does she make you happy now? does she make you laugh and smile? does she know every face that you make and what it means? does she fall in love with you each second of the day too? is she there when you need her most? is she?! will she put up with your yelling? or will you save that until later?
im eating cheescake... i think im getting to be more of a fat ass... lol... who cares... cheesecake makes me happy... yumm... i remember feeding him cheesecake before... ok where did THAT come from? STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM!!! ok... hehe...
i just remember one thing i ABSOLUTELY loathe... when family member ask "where is he?" i reply with "at home"... god! dont they know that if he's not there... there may be reasons other than the obvious ones... ugh! i dont wanna make a big deal about it... its none of their damn business... but they're making me feel like shit...
its funny how damn unemotional he is about the whole thing... yeah, makes me feel a whole lot better doesnt it? and what? a week? thas all its gonna take for him to get over me... how great for him... im sure there's some nifty lil girl in the side to help him out... what is she like? does she make you happy now? does she make you laugh and smile? does she know every face that you make and what it means? does she fall in love with you each second of the day too? is she there when you need her most? is she?! will she put up with your yelling? or will you save that until later?
im eating cheescake... i think im getting to be more of a fat ass... lol... who cares... cheesecake makes me happy... yumm... i remember feeding him cheesecake before... ok where did THAT come from? STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM!!! ok... hehe...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:25:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
ive just stumbled on a remarkable revelation... i think all girls should be rounded up and just chill... we could ALL get along and keep in touch... so id we share info... our men can never cheat on us... and it should be an international thing so it would include "online romances"... hehe good idea? (for girls!) bad idea for guys! hahaha well too bad... and that is all
ive just stumbled on a remarkable revelation... i think all girls should be rounded up and just chill... we could ALL get along and keep in touch... so id we share info... our men can never cheat on us... and it should be an international thing so it would include "online romances"... hehe good idea? (for girls!) bad idea for guys! hahaha well too bad... and that is all
this heart of mine was broken at 10:49:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
ew i hate daylight savings time... especially when we "spring forward"... akk! it totally ruins my sleep habits... and to think i hafto go back to school tomorrow... an add to that AKKK! but yes... today didnt start out so wonderful... my mom was yelling at me cuz of my messy ass room... while she didnt understand that most of the mess was old pictures and such... trying to hide it away now... putting it out of sight... its hard cuz u see all your memories and its all gone now... and each picture i go "i remembered that" and laugh a little... it kinda made me feel good... to look back at the good times... we've been together sooo long... i never even realized it... it all went by so fast, i think... and then it just ended... like THAT... *sigh i dunno... just imagined it a bit more memorable and loving...
well i went to the mall and just walked around... i shoulda went shopping but other things were on my mind... gunther found a guy to stalk and i just followed along... it was an overall kick back day... gunther keeps urging me to go out with joe... but i dont think im ready yet... i bet he's not ready either... but its cool just getting that smile again... i'd trade it for bryce's any day but i wont be seeing that for a long time...
he's too busy for me now... talking to a friend... but *shrug... does it matter who the hell it is? "i guess it doesnt"... he just doest understand how simple it is to win me back... im tired... i have school tomorrow and i hate seeing how ready he is to give up on even a friendship with me... i feel so tired and unprepared for tomorrow...
ew i hate daylight savings time... especially when we "spring forward"... akk! it totally ruins my sleep habits... and to think i hafto go back to school tomorrow... an add to that AKKK! but yes... today didnt start out so wonderful... my mom was yelling at me cuz of my messy ass room... while she didnt understand that most of the mess was old pictures and such... trying to hide it away now... putting it out of sight... its hard cuz u see all your memories and its all gone now... and each picture i go "i remembered that" and laugh a little... it kinda made me feel good... to look back at the good times... we've been together sooo long... i never even realized it... it all went by so fast, i think... and then it just ended... like THAT... *sigh i dunno... just imagined it a bit more memorable and loving...
well i went to the mall and just walked around... i shoulda went shopping but other things were on my mind... gunther found a guy to stalk and i just followed along... it was an overall kick back day... gunther keeps urging me to go out with joe... but i dont think im ready yet... i bet he's not ready either... but its cool just getting that smile again... i'd trade it for bryce's any day but i wont be seeing that for a long time...
he's too busy for me now... talking to a friend... but *shrug... does it matter who the hell it is? "i guess it doesnt"... he just doest understand how simple it is to win me back... im tired... i have school tomorrow and i hate seeing how ready he is to give up on even a friendship with me... i feel so tired and unprepared for tomorrow...
this heart of mine was broken at 9:20:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i just saw him go online... even though he told me he was going to bed like half an hour ago... *shurg... he can lie to me now... im just nothing already... and it kind of hurts... but what can i expect... thats what happens when someone doesnt love you anymore... they just lie to you... they dont even really wanna talk... and even tho i miss him, i realized something... he must have found someone already... someone more interesting and similar to him... how weird to not be in love anymore... ew my heart hurts... like its breaking again... nooo!
its funny how joe's girl broke up with him the same day i did... he says its destiny... he just makes me smile... he doesnt make my heart sing... but i need to start moving on... cuz everyone else has and im just stuck here waiting for something that wont come back... i wish things could rewind and we'll live the first few months of our relationship... before the lies and the mean words... before her... UGH! if he only understood how much he meant to me and how much i loved him... maybe he wouldnt have wanted someone else... if i could have just proven everything i felt... i tried to... i dont know how he could have missed it... i gave up everything for him... i offered him all i could... i wanted to be his best friend... i wanted to be his... ok im going to bed...
i just saw him go online... even though he told me he was going to bed like half an hour ago... *shurg... he can lie to me now... im just nothing already... and it kind of hurts... but what can i expect... thats what happens when someone doesnt love you anymore... they just lie to you... they dont even really wanna talk... and even tho i miss him, i realized something... he must have found someone already... someone more interesting and similar to him... how weird to not be in love anymore... ew my heart hurts... like its breaking again... nooo!
its funny how joe's girl broke up with him the same day i did... he says its destiny... he just makes me smile... he doesnt make my heart sing... but i need to start moving on... cuz everyone else has and im just stuck here waiting for something that wont come back... i wish things could rewind and we'll live the first few months of our relationship... before the lies and the mean words... before her... UGH! if he only understood how much he meant to me and how much i loved him... maybe he wouldnt have wanted someone else... if i could have just proven everything i felt... i tried to... i dont know how he could have missed it... i gave up everything for him... i offered him all i could... i wanted to be his best friend... i wanted to be his... ok im going to bed...
this heart of mine was broken at 1:47:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
[[ lines for the broken hearted ]]
"maybe i dont wanna know the reasons why, but lately you dont talk to me, and baby i cant see me in your eyes, i hold you near but ure so far away, and its losing you i cant believe, to watch you leave and let this feeling die"
- jennifer love hewitt "dont throw it all way (our love)"
"tears are falling like the rain, how do i convince my heart again, that things will be ok... even if my heart should call out your name out in the rain, even if these arms should want to embrace you once again, and even if i'm all cried out and no longer in pain, i'll never fall in love that way ever again:
- jocelyn enriquez "even if"
fudge this... im just gonna listen... im tired of typing...
"maybe i dont wanna know the reasons why, but lately you dont talk to me, and baby i cant see me in your eyes, i hold you near but ure so far away, and its losing you i cant believe, to watch you leave and let this feeling die"
- jennifer love hewitt "dont throw it all way (our love)"
"tears are falling like the rain, how do i convince my heart again, that things will be ok... even if my heart should call out your name out in the rain, even if these arms should want to embrace you once again, and even if i'm all cried out and no longer in pain, i'll never fall in love that way ever again:
- jocelyn enriquez "even if"
fudge this... im just gonna listen... im tired of typing...
this heart of mine was broken at 1:35:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Saturday, April 06, 2002
Dear heart,
how is it that he is so FINE without me... he doesnt even miss me... not one bit... did i mean that little to him... being alone is a very scary thing... you get hit on my lesbians and a big group of ghetto black guys... i have nothing against either groups... i just dont wanna date ya'll... you know? i just walked around by myself... but i did fine... it wasnt as bad as i thought... and i'd seek refuge in comfort stores if my legs got too tired from roaming...
i saw all these couples walking around... even the non-cute ones... and i think to myself... how lucky they are... for two people to make that decisions that they will be the one for each other and no one else... why couldnt that be me? why wasnt i lucky? what does it take to be like them? i know what the single life feels like... to just have fun- no commitment... but its so very lonely... no one to say goodnight to... and tell you that they love you before you close your eyes... i will survive tho...
i saw him online and thank god he was at his friends house and they were watching th screen.. or i would have begged him back... aaahhh!! must be strong... must not let emotion rule me... must try not to be so much like myself... cuz i just hurt myself... im my worst enemy, you know? i do this to myself... why cant i just get over it like he can? please... it hurts so much... i just want everything to go away...
i just wanna be happy again... i just wanna be next to him and know im the only one he thinks of... that im the only one for him period... that he cant ever feel like that about anyone... that he's just gonna love me from now on... and i will too... because i always have... my hands are lonely without yours... my arms are cold without your warm embrace... my lips are cold without your lips... my eyes seem blind without the sight of you... my heart is empty and broken without you in it... and it hurts to pick up the pieces... why did it come to this? when did we both decide to hurt each other? why? just tell me WHY?!
[[ lyric of the day ]]
"i'll never get over you getting over me"
how is it that he is so FINE without me... he doesnt even miss me... not one bit... did i mean that little to him... being alone is a very scary thing... you get hit on my lesbians and a big group of ghetto black guys... i have nothing against either groups... i just dont wanna date ya'll... you know? i just walked around by myself... but i did fine... it wasnt as bad as i thought... and i'd seek refuge in comfort stores if my legs got too tired from roaming...
i saw all these couples walking around... even the non-cute ones... and i think to myself... how lucky they are... for two people to make that decisions that they will be the one for each other and no one else... why couldnt that be me? why wasnt i lucky? what does it take to be like them? i know what the single life feels like... to just have fun- no commitment... but its so very lonely... no one to say goodnight to... and tell you that they love you before you close your eyes... i will survive tho...
i saw him online and thank god he was at his friends house and they were watching th screen.. or i would have begged him back... aaahhh!! must be strong... must not let emotion rule me... must try not to be so much like myself... cuz i just hurt myself... im my worst enemy, you know? i do this to myself... why cant i just get over it like he can? please... it hurts so much... i just want everything to go away...
i just wanna be happy again... i just wanna be next to him and know im the only one he thinks of... that im the only one for him period... that he cant ever feel like that about anyone... that he's just gonna love me from now on... and i will too... because i always have... my hands are lonely without yours... my arms are cold without your warm embrace... my lips are cold without your lips... my eyes seem blind without the sight of you... my heart is empty and broken without you in it... and it hurts to pick up the pieces... why did it come to this? when did we both decide to hurt each other? why? just tell me WHY?!
[[ lyric of the day ]]
"i'll never get over you getting over me"
this heart of mine was broken at 10:39:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
[[ plans for the day ]]
- watching a movie by myself
- shopping by myself
- eating by myself
- hopefully going to paprika's house (by myself)
- go to my room by myself
- sleeping by myself
- just being by myself
( fudge! i need to get wasted, huh? but i find alcohol quite untasty... disgusting in fact... or should i take up smoking? but then again i AM a smokeaphobic... and each time i get near someone who smokes... i start gagging and feel like im gonna die... either way... i find both of them wrong... i see no point in them... damn my morals!!)
- watching a movie by myself
- shopping by myself
- eating by myself
- hopefully going to paprika's house (by myself)
- go to my room by myself
- sleeping by myself
- just being by myself
( fudge! i need to get wasted, huh? but i find alcohol quite untasty... disgusting in fact... or should i take up smoking? but then again i AM a smokeaphobic... and each time i get near someone who smokes... i start gagging and feel like im gonna die... either way... i find both of them wrong... i see no point in them... damn my morals!!)
this heart of mine was broken at 3:06:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
paprika is so cool... i wanna go to her house today... we get along so well now... and her friend waterboy is hilarious... must hang out with all of em... olivia and all of them should crash at her house tonight too... and of course my twin... oh damn! she has that church thing... well paprika's trying to hook me up with a prom date but i kinda wanna go with him still... he was just my man for this past year and it wouldnt be right going to prom with anyone else... but he will prolly say no... or make me pay for the whole thing which ya'll know i really cant afford... paprika's candidate would pay for everything... but i dont love him! he might be creepy... i heard he makes a lot of racist jokes and that usually scares me... but then again i always have my guy friends... they arent that freakish and they will split everything in half...
but my mind wanders back to him... he's the one i wanna go with... attachment really sucks... just promise yourself you wont fall in love... hah! i know you too well... well at least promise you wont show it... pretend like you're fine with this whole "friends" package... you'll get used to him being with other girls... him having a gf he adores... you will wonder what it is she has that you didnt... and it will all come down to one thing... she has him and you don't... well, its not like YOU wont find someone new... it just wont be the same... but if HE'S happy... why shouldnt you be?
i really need to move on, huh? tomorrows clean up day... so i wont have to look at all the things we shared... no haunting memories to look back on... maybe a small picture in my wallet... but thats just cuz i cant stand not seeing him forever... i should get ready... i feel like a damn bum...
paprika is so cool... i wanna go to her house today... we get along so well now... and her friend waterboy is hilarious... must hang out with all of em... olivia and all of them should crash at her house tonight too... and of course my twin... oh damn! she has that church thing... well paprika's trying to hook me up with a prom date but i kinda wanna go with him still... he was just my man for this past year and it wouldnt be right going to prom with anyone else... but he will prolly say no... or make me pay for the whole thing which ya'll know i really cant afford... paprika's candidate would pay for everything... but i dont love him! he might be creepy... i heard he makes a lot of racist jokes and that usually scares me... but then again i always have my guy friends... they arent that freakish and they will split everything in half...
but my mind wanders back to him... he's the one i wanna go with... attachment really sucks... just promise yourself you wont fall in love... hah! i know you too well... well at least promise you wont show it... pretend like you're fine with this whole "friends" package... you'll get used to him being with other girls... him having a gf he adores... you will wonder what it is she has that you didnt... and it will all come down to one thing... she has him and you don't... well, its not like YOU wont find someone new... it just wont be the same... but if HE'S happy... why shouldnt you be?
i really need to move on, huh? tomorrows clean up day... so i wont have to look at all the things we shared... no haunting memories to look back on... maybe a small picture in my wallet... but thats just cuz i cant stand not seeing him forever... i should get ready... i feel like a damn bum...
this heart of mine was broken at 2:19:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
*feeling*
(yawn) content
*reading*
other people's blogs
*watching*
nada
*listening*
you are- atomic kitten
*random thoughts and speculations*
- this day is starting off good
- is it a natural thing to get gas in the morning?
- will he miss me?
- hope he goes to prom with me...
- what should i wear today?
(yawn) content
*reading*
other people's blogs
*watching*
nada
*listening*
you are- atomic kitten
*random thoughts and speculations*
- this day is starting off good
- is it a natural thing to get gas in the morning?
- will he miss me?
- hope he goes to prom with me...
- what should i wear today?
this heart of mine was broken at 1:43:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Dear heart,
i apologize for my previous behavior... it was PHS (post heartbreak syndrome)... and its like HE doesnt wanna talk to ME? of all things... his pride will always get in the way of his love... and sunday... i am cleaning out my closet of him... and putting it in the garage... and after that- he'll disappear... if he wont think of me or care what happens to me... why should i? i will not torture myself with thoughts of him... "i wonder what he's doing?" or "is he ok? is he thinking about me too?" no he's not... he will live his life and forget about me... or talk about me as "the flirt"... and no one would ever think we were happy at all... i wont even talk about him...
i never would have imagined everything to be like it is now... its all so- unhappy... i picture myself having cofee with him a couple of years later... us being good friends... he was just important to me, thas all... he was my life for a year and 7 months... and now... he's not... i just want him to be happy anyway... and i know that place lies where im not...
me and my mom were talking and she confessed how she really liked him... she could see the good guy in him or whatever... and she even said: "you could have given him the love he needed and lacked. and i know you tried, chess but maybe you just werent that girl for him." but i so wanted to be her... i really did... it hurts to think he'll find someone and love her more than me... well he's done that already so i dont know what im worried about... i know what THAT felt like... maybe he's met her again... a new one... and she's everything i could never be... all things he wished i was...
i just see many things as pointless right now... was it worth all that? were the last memories in vain? were the last few monhts of fighting and tears worth it? should we have let go sooner? *sigh no... i wouldnt trade that last kiss for the world... i will have many kisses after this... but i will remember my last kiss with my first love...
i apologize for my previous behavior... it was PHS (post heartbreak syndrome)... and its like HE doesnt wanna talk to ME? of all things... his pride will always get in the way of his love... and sunday... i am cleaning out my closet of him... and putting it in the garage... and after that- he'll disappear... if he wont think of me or care what happens to me... why should i? i will not torture myself with thoughts of him... "i wonder what he's doing?" or "is he ok? is he thinking about me too?" no he's not... he will live his life and forget about me... or talk about me as "the flirt"... and no one would ever think we were happy at all... i wont even talk about him...
i never would have imagined everything to be like it is now... its all so- unhappy... i picture myself having cofee with him a couple of years later... us being good friends... he was just important to me, thas all... he was my life for a year and 7 months... and now... he's not... i just want him to be happy anyway... and i know that place lies where im not...
me and my mom were talking and she confessed how she really liked him... she could see the good guy in him or whatever... and she even said: "you could have given him the love he needed and lacked. and i know you tried, chess but maybe you just werent that girl for him." but i so wanted to be her... i really did... it hurts to think he'll find someone and love her more than me... well he's done that already so i dont know what im worried about... i know what THAT felt like... maybe he's met her again... a new one... and she's everything i could never be... all things he wished i was...
i just see many things as pointless right now... was it worth all that? were the last memories in vain? were the last few monhts of fighting and tears worth it? should we have let go sooner? *sigh no... i wouldnt trade that last kiss for the world... i will have many kisses after this... but i will remember my last kiss with my first love...
this heart of mine was broken at 2:23:00 AM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
Friday, April 05, 2002
Dear heart,
so maybe we can't be friends... and maybe i should be glad im leaving so i can just get out of his hair... why was i calling him anyway? what good did i think that would do?
i have a question... if i died... do you think he'd care... do you think THAT would get him to love me again... cuz if thats what it takes... i can do it... im not scared anymore... i have nothing to live for... im a failure... my parents are disappointed in me... i treat my sister like shit... i just cant anymore... i cant runaway... im too scared of getting lost or kidnapped or raped...
i just wanna die in my room... with a small knife making a sweet incision into my wrists... no one will ever know until i dont answer their calls... they'll think im sleeping... my hand is under the blanket and the blood has soaked thru the sheets... but it looks like the pattern in my bedsheets... they try to call me... they even get mad that i dont answer... they dont realize im not waking up anymore... i just wanna sleep forever... where im invincible from every hurtful moment... i would use pills but they might revive me... pump my stomache and wake me from my dream... and i wouldnt want that... i would just see the hurt in everybody's eyes again... and i cant deal with that... ive been too much of a burden already...
it's funny... cuz one day you will see me laugh and smile and joke around with you... and then the next morning you get a call saying im gone... that you will never see me have to fake my stupid smiles anymore...where i dont have to pretend like everythings ok because THEY ARE NOT! i wouldnt wanna forget everyone who's important to me... mom, dad, melanie, gregga, kuya, christina, brenda, honors elite ppl, francis, my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandma, grandpa too, marlene, abram, all the people ive loved in my life, all those who have met me whether i hated you, liked you, didnt care about you... you all touched me in some way... thank you for always being there for me...
i just want the pain to stop.... now...
so maybe we can't be friends... and maybe i should be glad im leaving so i can just get out of his hair... why was i calling him anyway? what good did i think that would do?
i have a question... if i died... do you think he'd care... do you think THAT would get him to love me again... cuz if thats what it takes... i can do it... im not scared anymore... i have nothing to live for... im a failure... my parents are disappointed in me... i treat my sister like shit... i just cant anymore... i cant runaway... im too scared of getting lost or kidnapped or raped...
i just wanna die in my room... with a small knife making a sweet incision into my wrists... no one will ever know until i dont answer their calls... they'll think im sleeping... my hand is under the blanket and the blood has soaked thru the sheets... but it looks like the pattern in my bedsheets... they try to call me... they even get mad that i dont answer... they dont realize im not waking up anymore... i just wanna sleep forever... where im invincible from every hurtful moment... i would use pills but they might revive me... pump my stomache and wake me from my dream... and i wouldnt want that... i would just see the hurt in everybody's eyes again... and i cant deal with that... ive been too much of a burden already...
it's funny... cuz one day you will see me laugh and smile and joke around with you... and then the next morning you get a call saying im gone... that you will never see me have to fake my stupid smiles anymore...where i dont have to pretend like everythings ok because THEY ARE NOT! i wouldnt wanna forget everyone who's important to me... mom, dad, melanie, gregga, kuya, christina, brenda, honors elite ppl, francis, my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandma, grandpa too, marlene, abram, all the people ive loved in my life, all those who have met me whether i hated you, liked you, didnt care about you... you all touched me in some way... thank you for always being there for me...
i just want the pain to stop.... now...
this heart of mine was broken at 11:30:00 PM
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart
0 people tried to mend this shattered heart